


Just Give Me A Reason

by agaycabbage



Series: Rewrite the Stars [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Multi, Quote: It's literature! Smutty... literature. (Dragon Age), Shakarian - Freeform, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 557,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agaycabbage/pseuds/agaycabbage
Summary: Garrus & Elle’s journey together continues into ME2. They have a mountain of baggage between them, a painful past, and a galaxy to save. They each need to heal and forgive if they’ll ever have a future.***This is the third work in the series. You will miss things if you don’t read the first two installments; this is not a standalone.***MATURE CONTENT WARNING. It’s smutty as hell, I’m not sorry.Title & theme inspired by “Just Give Me A Reason” - P!nk & Nate RuessSome canon, some not, but it’s all Bioware’s sandbox and I own nothing.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Series: Rewrite the Stars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538497
Comments: 494
Kudos: 211





	1. Prologue: Save Joker, Lose Everything

The alarm ringing through the Normandy is that level of sharp that it's skull piercing. I can feel it vibrating in my brain, and I'm grateful for an excuse to put my helmet on after dressing in full armor. I grab my Carnifex out of habit; I make sure the guardian angel pin is on my color out of sentimentality. And then I go find out what the hell is happening to my ship. 

It's mayhem outside my quarters. The lights are on alarm out here as well, red and glaring. Everyone seems to be running. "Joker?" I speak into my comms. "All these chickens have their heads cut off. Where do you need me?"

"Distress beacon," he answers immediately, not a touch of his usual snark or humor. What's happening to my ship is also happening to his; I can feel his tension, and I can relate to it. 

"On it." 

I join the running around, racing through the med bay and into the office that Liara has occupied for a year. From there, I take a hatch down; there is no time for the slow as molasses elevator today. The distress beacon is triggered in engineering, and I navigate through mayhem there. Engineer Adams in his element and commanding his crew to keep control of the ship. 

Reality hits me when I stare at the controls for the distress beacon. A mayday signal. An alert to the Alliance and any nearby ships that the Normandy is in grave danger. We need help. 

The ship rocks violently, and another even higher-pitched alarm is triggered when multiple fires break out around us. Something just hit my ship, and now we're on fire. 

The doors to the Cargo Bay open and stay open automatically, allowing anyone in Engineering to escape and get to the escape shuttles. I nod to Engineer Adams, and he starts directing his team that way. There is nothing else they can do. We need the distress beacon. 

Another hit nearly knocks me off my feet, but I stay steady and start the command code to launch the beacon. 

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouts for somewhere behind me. He's getting closer, judging by volume when my name is shouted again. 

"Distress beacon is ready to launch," I tell Joker over the comms before moving to the fire closet. Damage control, but it's something. 

Kaidan rushes in and stumbles to a stop, panting heavily in full armor. "Will the Alliance get here in time?" he asks.

In time. We're going down, we're getting wrecked. But we don't have to die. I am not ready to die. Especially when he's not even answering my calls. 

"I'm not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses," I snap, turning to toss the other fire extinguisher to Kaidan. Now there are two of us throwing chemicals on engineering fires while something is attacking and breaking my ship. Fuck. "Get everyone onto the escape pods," I shout at him, moving to take down some of the flames near the door so he can get out safely. 

"Joker is still in the cockpit," he tells me. "He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either." 

Of course. We've only been chasing Geth for the last couple of months, so I managed to forget that Kaidan has such a violent and damaging hero complex. I grab the back of his armor and yank him away from the fire, throwing him toward the door. 

"Get to the shuttle! I'll take care of Joker." I push him again and then head for the hatch again, back up the CIC where I can get my stubborn as sin pilot. 

"Commander," Kaidan calls from behind me. I step up onto the first rung, and he shouts, "Shepard!" 

"Kaidan, damnit, go!" 

That gets him moving, and I hesitate for a just a moment until I can hear him directing crew toward the shuttle pods. The pods upstairs are being released as well, each one dislodging with a hiss that manages to be loud even over the screaming alarms. And then I step into the CIC, and it's absolute chaos. 

Everything is on fire, the heat so strong that I have to cover my face with my forearm. The ship feels like it's rocking and choking even more violently up here. An explosion to my left makes me stumble and not because of force, but because it was in my quarters. My room, my home for the last year and some months.   
The room where Garrus and I...

And now it's gone. 

"Mayday, mayday, mayday," I hear Joker calling into the comms, a public call to any nearby networks, I know. "This is SSV Normandy. We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy." 

I shake my head and push on, forcing one foot after another against the instability of the ride and the hell raging around me. Just when I think it can't get any worse, the doors open to the bridge, and I'm...in space. 

Entire chunks of the ship have been ripped away, and we are full-on exposed to space. The silence is daunting, especially when I'm aware that there is chaos and literal fire around me. My suit automatically triggers my gravity boots, and movement becomes a little more difficult. It's disorienting as hell feeling like you're on a zero-gee planet while inside your ship. Well, sort of inside. The nearby planet looming so large that it feels like I could reach up and touch it is a reminder that I am not completely inside. 

This kind of damage is not from another normal ship. This is big. This is Reapers.

But I don't have time to deal with that. I need to get my pilot. We've gotten lucky enough somehow that there is an intact escape pod waiting for us, and come hell or high water - or Reaper - Joker is getting on that damn thing. 

"Come on, baby, hold together. Hold together!" Joker is pleading with the ship over the comms. His voice cracks, and if I didn't know better, I'd think he was crying. He can cry in the escape pod.

He has set up a barrier so that he can remain in the cockpit and in his seat, breathing and secure despite the fact that he's not in armor. 

"Come on, Joker," I call him, grabbing the back of his chair. Every system in this cockpit is going berserk; I don't know how he can even hear himself think. "We have to get out of here!" 

"No!" he snaps at me. "I won't abandon the Normandy. I can still save her." 

"Joker, stop. The whole ship is on fire." 

"Shepard, I - " 

"Joker!" I shout at him, needing a lot more self-control than I really have right now to keep from shaking him violently. "The Normandy is dead. Just like us if we don't get the hell out of here." 

"No, we just have to..." Joker trails off and then breathes, "Oh, no." The tone of his voice is like a punch right in the gut. "They're coming around for another attack." He grabs for the ship controls and tries something - I know from his movement that something is supposed to happen, but nothing is happening. 

And then everything happens. A blinding red light flashes in front of the ship, and then disappears for a moment just before the ship shudders and rocks and rolls and slams us around. I nearly fly into the wall, but goddamn Joker is still fiddling with controls like he can do any damn thing to rescue this ship. 

I take a look back from the cockpit and see a beam from the Reaper ripping my ship in half. Tearing it in two like paper. 

"We're going," I inform him. This time, I give the stubborn fool no opportunity to argue, and instead of asking, I take Joker by the arm and physically remove him from the chair. Whether it's adrenaline or Joker's illness, I can yank him around like little more than a sack of potatoes. 

"Shepard!" he protests. "Oh, shit, watch the arm!" I double-check that he has a mask on before pulling him out of the cockpit with me. Gravity is a little weird, but I manage to get him to the door of the escape pod without any real issue. 

I lose my hold on him and my footing when an explosion manages to be loud in space, a place that is supposed to be devoid of sound. It's like being in a vacuum, a force stronger than any person or weapon who has ever hit me yanking me backward while jerking Joker right out of my arms and into the pod. I manage to grip some wall of the ship that I can no longer even identify, my legs floating out behind me along with the chunks of the ship being sheared off. 

"Shepard!" Joker screams, reaching a hand for me. He's not floating. He's okay. He's in the escape pod. 

And the button to release it is right in front of me. 

I could use the button inside the pod, of course. I could pull myself back over to the escape pod, get inside, and then send it off with both of us inside. Another explosion rocks the remains of the ship, and my decision is made for me. 

There is very little chance that I can get back to Joker and release the pod before this entire ship blows. We'll both die. 

I look up at Joker. He's only wearing a mask so I can see the look on his face. I can see the horror; I can see that he knows what I'm planning. 

"Shepard, no!" he screams, trying to leap for the door. 

I slam my fist into the button, and Joker is gone is a split second. The slight motion is the last straw for the Normandy. One more blast throws me backward, but there is nothing to catch me. I move as if in slow motion, floating when I should be getting tossed hard. 

It's a disturbingly excellent view of the remaining explosions that blast anything remotely familiar of the Normandy into burnt and flaming bits that are quickly suffocated by space before they'll be frozen. It's gone. Everything we did for the last year is gone. 

My body wants to gasp, but something is wrong. There's not enough air for it. Only then I notice the pressurized air in the form of vapor floating in front of my helmet. My suit is leaking. 

I am going to be the next piece of the Normandy suffocated in space. 

Panic hits first. It's extremely disconcerting to be trying to pant and breathe heavily when there isn't enough air to allow for that. Quickly, black spots form in my vision, and my head starts to spin with a burning in my chest. This is it. I survived the ship exploding only to suffocate in space with no one here to rescue me. 

Garrus would rescue me if he were here. 

He's not here. He isn't here, because of me. Because I pushed him away. 

The muscles all over my body burn and seize with a lack of oxygen. I can't squirm anymore, can't control. All I can do is float. 

I'm going to die here, alone, and ripped apart by space because I refused to let Garrus in. Because I’m selfish and stubborn and incapable of intimacy. I threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me, the best person I know because I'm desperate to control my life, and now here I am, totally without control. 

I'm going to die without ever having told Garrus that I love him. I'll never have a chance now. He'll never know. 

The dark void of space starts to enclose on me, dimming the light of the nearby planet and any remaining flames. It all goes dark. It's not peaceful, the way I imagined death would be, and it doesn't come with a sense of knowing I did my best. 

What do any of the accomplishments mean when I didn't have love? None of it means anything without Garrus. Not even my death.


	2. Prologue 2: Awake and Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter this week as thank you to all of you who have been reading from that start, back when the very first chapter dropped on N7 day! I'm blown away by the response since then and can't wait for you all to see where Elle and Garrus go from here. 
> 
> But you'll have to wait a liiiiitle longer for the reunion. *Insert evil laugh here*

Someone is speaking. Calling my name? I can't see them. Can't reach them. I can barely hear them. 

"Shepard!" 

It's dark. Too dark. The dark void of space.

"Shepard!" 

My heart races, my breath catches. Space, trying to choke me. My helmet leaking. I can't breathe, can't - 

"Wake up, Commander!" 

I gasp. And air moves. Enters my lungs instead of being robbed from it and sucked into space. I can breathe. I'm breathing. 

And someone is calling my name.

"Shepard, do you hear me?" The voice is unfamiliar, distant, accented. I try to open my eyes, but the light above me is bright enough to burn. "Shepard, get out of that bed now. This facility is under attack." 

Under attack. Like the Normandy. 

I force my eyes open. Light is not going to keep me from surviving the attack. 

The attack on... Where the hell am I?

Pain, sharp and hot, surges through my head and face. It feels like it's being ripped apart from the inside. But...I’m intact. How? I remember space. I shouldn't be here. Wherever here is. 

Whoever was speaking to me, the woman who knew my name, definitely wasn't lying about the attack. I can hear explosions, and through the large window facing me at the other end of what looks like a lab, flashes of automatic gunfire. 

But why the hell am I on a table in a lab with a horrible headache and a stranger calling my name? How am I not dead. 

Where is - 

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room," the unfamiliar woman tells me, her voice urgent over the intercom. "Hurry!" 

I swing my legs over the side of the table and slide until I'm standing. My feet hitting the floor brings horrible shooting pain straight up to my ribs, sharp enough to steal my breath again; I'm really tired of not being able to breathe. I reach for my side to try and keep my ribs from snapping with my hands and realize only then that I'm wearing clothing...but not mine. Black and white, fitting perfectly, but...wrong. 

"Grab the pistol and armor from the locker," the voice commands. Bossy. Not sure I like whoever that is. I take a step, shaky at first like I haven't done it in awhile. Everything is stiff, achy. "You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor." 

"I am not waiting around," I snap back. My voice is scratchy; it feels like that hasn't been used in a while, too. 

I manage to figure out walking pretty quickly and head for the locker, trying not to feel a little too panicked about the explosions I can hear. Those are too familiar to the last time I can remember walking. The last time I remember being alive. Before the Reaper, before the Normandy broke apart...before space. 

Where the hell am I? 

I reach the locker and quickly get myself prepared and geared up. I don't know what I'm gearing up for or even who is in this battle, but I know how not to get shot because I'm not ready. Stiff or not, I manage to get the armor on quickly. It's not my armor, not my N7 gear, but it fits well enough. Black and white, again. Is this Alliance gear?

I shake it off for now and focus, grabbing the pistol. Instantly I scowl. "This pistol doesn't have a thermal clip," I inform the voice. 

"It's a Med Bay," she responds, tone dry. "We'll get you a clip from...damn it! Those canisters behind the door are going to blow; get behind cover now!" 

Instincts kick in and take over the stiffness. I race across the room and slide over the tile floor to duck behind a table. I get down just before the canisters blow, rocking the room hard enough that it rattles. I look over the top of the table and find no enemies, just a wide-open door. 

And dead people with armor in the hallway. Dead people in clothes or armor matching mine who left behind their ammo. 

I race into the hall and start collecting clips. "What the hell is going on?"

"Someone is hacking security, trying to kill you." 

"Oh, good. Glad I'm doing something new in whatever universe this is." It's probably all a dream, a nightmare. Although the pain is a little too real to believe that. I'll figure it all out after the shooting stops. 

I head directly through the next set of doors and find more dead people. They'd flipped over tables, trying to defend themselves. "Looks like they set up a barricade," I say, partially to myself and in part to the voice. "What are they fighting?"

"You're about to find out." 

The doors at the other end of the room open, and a mech walks in. Armed. And shooting the moment it sees me. Again, I slide behind cover. This time, I manage to return fire. The thing goes down hard. 

So that's what the voice meant by enemies hacking security. They've taken the security mechs and turned them on everyone here. Smart. Deadly. 

"Keep moving," the voice orders. "We need to get you to the shuttles." 

Shuttles. Okay. At the very least, that means whoever this is wants to get me away from the shooting mechs. And they did point me to the armor and the gun. I don't have much choice at the moment, do I?

I move forward, through the room and toward another set of doors. When they open and another mech emerges, I shoot first. 

"Shepard, security mechs are closing in your position. Take cover; don't take any chances. Stay in cover while you take out those mechs." 

Obviously, the voice has eyes somewhere, and they haven't led me astray yet, so I take cover just as the door opens at the end of the room. The mechs are firing before I think they've seen me; they just intend to kill anything and everything. 

"You're a biotic, Shepard," the voice drawls. 

Okay, I do not like how well this person knows me. Although they don't seem to know that I don't go for my biotics during firefights. I go with what I know instead and take the mechs down with bullets.

"Nice work, Shepard. Coast is clear."

So many questions. But they have to wait. 

I get up and rush to the door at the far end of the room, moving beyond it and into another hall. There's a glass window, and on the other side, two unfamiliar people in black and white are fighting a Hydra mech. It kills them both with a violent blast. 

"Don't waste time," the voice snaps at me. "I can't keep the mechs distracted for long." 

She's right. It's not even like I know the people who were just killed. They weren't my crew. So I push on, through yet another set of doors. It ends on a platform overlooking a storage area. There's a dead person in front of me. Merc? Soldier? I don't know who these people are, or why they'd give their lives to stop mechs - and whoever hacked them - from killing me. 

"More reinforcements headed your way. That security officer should have a grenade launcher." 

Oh, now it's getting fun. 

I can't help a smile when the five mechs who come in through the door in the cargo area below me explode and let off a fireworks display of sparks. The smile stretches my cheeks, and the skin feels too tight. It feels...new. 

That's not something I want to dwell on. 

I take the elevator from the platform down. Either the grenade blast or some sort of security measure set something off, so my path out of the room is blocked by shooting flames. I have to sprint through them, more grateful now for the armor than ever. 

"You're doing...Shepard," the voice says, broken up by static as I reach the next hall. "Head to the...meet you." 

"I can't understand you," I call to the person I don't know with a face I've never seen. This is weird. 

"Shepard...read me. Closing in...position." There's a loud squeak and then a click. The voice is gone, and I'm on my one. I don't even know where I am, my body is stiff and sore, and I'm alone. 

The shuttles. She mentioned a shuttle. I just need to move forward and get there. Ever forward. 

The doors in front of me open and reveal two damaged mechs crawling on their stomachs. I shoot them both, one bullet each. Collecting ammo the whole way here means I can spare the shots; needing to stay alive means I can't risk them getting me first. 

This room is an office of some kind with two desks, each with a computer. And each with logs available. I play an available log from the first; I won't have time for full-on research, but I can't pass up an opportunity for information. 

A hologram of a face pops up. I don't know the dark-haired woman, but I recognize the moment she speaks. Miranda, according to the name on the log. "Progress is slow, but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are again functional, and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. In an effort to accelerate the process, we've moved from simple organic reconstruction of the subject to a bio-synthetic fusion. Initial results show promise." 

I don't understand any of it. She's creating something, but what? 

I move to the other computer and play that log. This time it's a bald man. Why...why does he look familiar? "Log update. The cost of this project is astronomical - over four billion credits so far. But nobody seems to care that we've gone over budget. I don't know where the Illusive Man gets his money; maybe it's better not to know. I just wish he'd kick a little more money in my direction once in a while." 

I know his face, his voice, but I can't place where. I ignore it for now and push one. Without more information, those logs mean nothing to me. I still have to get the hell out of here. The hallway outside the office takes me to a stairwell, and at the top of the stairs, I find another glass window. The man on the other side cries my name, surprised. Maybe even hopeful. 

And then he's dead, a blast coming long before I see the Hydra that fired on him. I try to shoot through the glass to get to him, but the bullets do little more than crack it. The Hydra looks at me before turning away, not the least bit threatened. I'm useless. 

But I'm not dead yet. 

I press on, finding another computer log. It's the bald guy again. A foggy sort of memory tickles at the back of my mind. Faces standing over me, voices. I can't grasp it. "I can't figure Miranda out. As project director, she should be ecstatic at all the progress we've made. But she's still the same old ice queen. Maybe she's worried Shepard might become the new favorite. Or maybe she's just a pure cold-hearted bitch." 

Me? Whose favorite am I supposed to be? That Illusive Man they mentioned? I don't know that person. And what could I have to do with their project? I don't even know where I am! 

Something here feels bad. Wrong. I don't know who is trying to kill me or why, I don't know who the people who know my name are. I have one gun and unfamiliar armor. This isn't right. I shouldn't be here. 

I wish Garrus were here. 

If I don't even know where I am, figuring out where he is right now feels impossible. He must have known what happened to the Normandy, though. And what happened to me. 

I remember dying. 

I shake it off. I have to get out of here before I can figure out what's going on. I push on through the next set of doors and find myself on what looks like a bridge to another area of the station. It's an open space, save for the bullets flying. I move to the end of the wall blocking me from wherever those bullets are coming from and take a peek around. There is an identical bridge maybe thirty feet away from this one, and it's covered in weaponized mechs. They're shooting at a young human soldier who is taking cover and returning fire. He needs help. 

I throw up a shield and run, sliding into cover beside him. The soldier startles when I arrive and then startles much harder when he recognizes me. "Shepard? What the hell?"

Why does everyone here seem to know me? A shot nearly hits my arm when I glance out from behind cover, so I choose not to answer this guy, instead working with him to take down the mechs. He still has questions, though. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks. "Thought you were still a work in progress."

I frown at that. What the hell is that supposed to mean? All this talk about projects and work is making me very uncomfortable, and I think it's all connected to that annoying voice who has disappeared. "Are you with Miranda?" I ask my new comrade when we have a break in the battle.

"Yeah...sorry, I forgot this is all new to you right now. I'm Jacob Taylor," he tells me. "I've been stationed here for - "

"Hostiles detected." Break over. 

"Damn it," Jacob swears. I notice then that sweat is beaded across his forehead. I was woken up in the middle of this battle, but I have no idea how long the other people on this station have been fighting it. The guy deserves a break if he's helping me. 

I lean out of cover, briefly take aim, and a fire a shot that would make my favorite sniper proud. It blows the head off one mech cleanly, and when that triggers an explosion, the other mech remaining on the bridge goes down too. 

"Nice," Jacob mutters. He gives me a once over and frowns again. "This must be worse than I thought if Miranda's got you running out. I'll fill you in, but we need to get to the shuttle first." 

Not a chance. After everything I heard on those logs, I need answers before riding any shuttle with these people. 

"I realize this might not be the ideal time, but I'm sick of stumbling around when I don't know what's going on. I need answers before I go anywhere." 

Jacob nods. "Fair enough. I'll give you the quick version. You and your ship were attacked and destroyed. You were killed. Dead as dead can be when they brought you here. Our scientists spent the last two years putting you back together. You've been comatose or worse that entire time. Welcome back to your life." 

If he had picked his gun up and shot me in the face, I would be less surprised. So, I was right; I do remember dying. I died. And now I'm...not dead? And two years?  
Where the hell is Garrus?

"Who is the 'they' that 'brought me back'? This doesn't look like an Alliance facility." 

"It isn't," Jacob admits. "I can't say much more than that for now. The Alliance officially declared you killed in action. Whole galaxy thinks you're dead. And if we don't get to those shuttles, they'll be right." 

Everyone thinks I'm dead. Garrus thinks I'm dead? I have trouble picturing him taking that lying down. But where is he?

"Were there any other survivors from the Normandy?"

Jacob exhales hard, and we both look up when the doors on the other bridge whoosh open, more mechs marching out. "I'll tell you what: you help me finish off these mechs, and I'll play twenty questions with you all day. We're low on thermal clips, but I’m biotic. I’m guessing you can conserve your shots?"

I down another mech to answer him. Jacob has no complaints about that, and we team up to use a combination of biotics and bullets to finish off the mechs again. When they're gone, and Jacob stands from cover, I follow him up. He puts his gun away for now, but I'm not quite ready for that. 

"Okay, I promised I'd answer your questions," he says. "What do you wanna know?"

How am I not dead?

Did you tell Garrus I'm not dead?

Is anyone else dead?

"The last thing I remember is the Normandy blowing up? Did anyone else make it?" I can still feel the heat of the explosion right after I ejected Joker in his escape pod when I think about it. I can still feel the cold of space, too. 

"Just about everybody survived," he answers. "A few servicemen from the lower decks didn't get out. Navigator Pressly was killed by an explosion. But everyone else, including the non-Alliance crew - the Asari and the Quarian - they all made it out." 

That brings me some relief. "Do you know what any of them are doing now?" 

"I don't know, Commander," he answers with a shrug. "It's been two years. They could be anywhere." 

I shake my head at that. "They were my team. If they knew I was alive, they'd come back." If Garrus knows I'm alive, there's no way he wouldn't be here. 

Except that I left him before I died. I told him we were done. And even more vividly than the explosion or the cold or suffocating, I remember how deeply I regretted that when I died. I need to know where Garrus is because I need to tell him that it was a mistake. 

"Maybe you can track them down after we get off this station," Jacob suggests. "If we get off the station." He has a point. 

"Do you know anything about this attack? Who's behind it, what they're after?" 

"Damned if I know," he answers, clearly frustrated. "I was getting ready for some shut-eye, then bam! Next thing I know, every damn mech in the place starts shooting...at us. I'm guessing it had to be an inside job. You'd need top security access to hack all the mechs." 

Miranda said that they were after me. That whoever started this attack was out to get me. Why? If I've been dead for two years, how many enemies can I have at this point? 

"You said they spent two years rebuilding me? How bad were my injuries?" It's a question I'm not really sure I want the answer to but that I feel I must ask. 

"I'm no doctor, but it was bad. When I first saw you, you were nothing but meat and tubes. Anywhere else, they'd have put you in a coffin." My mouth goes dry at that. Dead. Really and truly dead. "But Project Lazarus was different. Cutting-edge technology." 

"What do you mean? Cloning? Cybernetics?" Am I even real?

"You'd have to ask the scientists for the details, but I'm pretty sure you're not a clone. They wanted to bring you back exactly as you were. You're still you...you just might have a few extra bits and pieces now." 

I try my best not to grimace at that. "Okay, well, what do you know about the project. Were there other test subjects?"

Jacob gives me an odd look. "Project Lazarus only had one subject. The whole point was to bring you back. Just you. Even that was a challenge. Two years, all the top scientists, the best technology money could buy." 

But why? And who if the Alliance has declared me dead? Miranda is the only bit of information I have. 

"When I first woke up, someone named Miranda was talking to me over the comms. We lost contact just before I ran into you." 

"Miranda Lawson is the station's ranking officer. She led the Lazarus team. It was her job to bring you back, no matter what." He laughs a little and says, "Should've guessed she'd try to save you. She's not about to give up on you now." 

I try to pretend that I don't think Jacob is checking me out when he says that. 

"You said you lost contact?" Jacob remembers, frowning. "Could you tell what was happening?"

"There was some gunfire and an explosion right before I lost her." 

He shakes his head. "She knows how to take care of herself, but I hope she's okay." 

"And what's your job here?" 

"Depends on who you ask. Technically, I'm Miranda's top lieutenant. But I'm just a soldier. I served five years in the Alliance before this. Now I'm in charge of this station's security." I must make a face before he laughs a little. "It's usually a lot more dull than this. Normally I don't fire my gun unless it's target practice."   
And now we're fighting mechs out to kill all of us. 

"What's the quickest way to those shuttles?"

"Depends on where the mechs are thickest," Jacob answers. "It's probably best if we - " 

Jacob is cut off when his Omni-Tool chimes. "Check, check," a voice says. "Anyone on this frequency? Anybody still alive out there? Hello?"

"Wilson?" Jacob responds. "This is Jacob. I'm here with Commander Shepard; we just took out a wave of mechs over in D Wing." 

"Shepard's alive?" he asks, disbelief in his voice. "How the hell...never mind. You need to get her out of there. Get to the service tunnels and head for the network control room." 

"Roger that Wilson. Stay on this frequency," Jacob confirms. 

"I think I remember a Wilson checking on me when I woke up once," I tell him. 

Jacob nods. "That's him. Wilson's the chief medical tech. Answers directly to Miranda." He motions for me to follow him. "C'mon. The service tunnels are this way."  
I follow Jacob toward the end of the bridge. He looks too long at the body of another soldier - or whatever these people are - for me to believe that it's just anybody. Judging by the guy's position, he was probably fighting with Jacob here before a mech killed him. And he's still going to benefit me because he has a datapad.   
I pause to grab it and play, giving Jacob a look to dare him to say something about the delay. He stays quiet while I hit play. It's that Wilson guy again. 

"The Lazarus Project is about to enter the final phase. It's taken nearly two years, but we did it. Commander Shepard is alive. This is the most amazing medical achievement in recorded history. Maybe not Miranda will finally show some appreciation for everything I've done."

There is something intensely disturbing about someone saying I'm alive as if it's impressive or surprising. They use my name but talk about me like a science project. Which is what I have been for two years. A project. 

"Commander?"

Jacob's voice snaps me back to reality, and I shake it all off, leading Jacob through the doors at the end of the bridge. Several soldiers here have been killed, and I don't have to tell Jacob to help me collect the heat sinks. We follow signage for service tunnels through the far end of a hallway but are forced to take cover the moment we step through the doors. 

"Damnit, Wilson," Jacob snaps into his comms. "This room is crawling with mechs." 

I start taking shots while he waits for an answer. "The whole station is crawling with mechs," the medical tech snaps in response. "I'm doing the best I can!" 

"Find us another route out of here," Jacob demands. 

"Preferably one that doesn't lead straight into an enemy squad," I drawl, even though Wilson can't hear me. I have no Omni-Tool yet because I shouldn't be alive yet. I motion for Jacob to follow me, and we cut around the end of the room, getting a better angle to take down the mechs. 

"Just keep moving toward the control room," Wilson tells us. "Don't get pinned down. I'll do what I can." 

We get through the end of the room, firing through the final mechs. They don't leave us with any ammo to collect. It's a simple loss of machinery. Like Geth.   
Geth. What the hell has happened with the Reapers in two years?

"Oh, God!" Wilson screams through the comms, breathing rapidly now. "They found me. Help!" 

"Where is he?" I demand of Jacob. 

"Wilson? Where are you?" 

Wilson responds rapidly. "Server room B. Hurry; they're out of control!" 

We pass through another set of doors and into a hallway. "Stairs at the end of the hall, Shepard," Jacob tells me, pointing. 

"Oh, God. I'm hit! They shot me!" We break into a run, side by side, and find an office space after making a right. There are active computer logs here, and I find them very tempting. 

This Wilson guy took my body and did quite a bit to it without permission. He can wait a few extra seconds for me to save his ass. Jacob doesn't complain again; he also doesn't run ahead of me. This log belongs to Miranda. 

"Physical reconstruction of subject is complete," she begins, "but we still need to evaluate all mental and neurological functions. Our orders are clear: make Commander Shepard who she was before the explosion - the same mind, the same morals, the same personality. If we alter her identity in any way, if she's somehow not the woman she used to be, the Lazarus Project will have failed. I refuse to let that happen." 

How I used to be. Is it possible for me to be exactly the same if there was 'used to be'? I do not have time to figure it out right now. What I do know is I can still shoot.   
I lead Jacob back into the hallway and through the doors on the other side of the stairs. It leads into what looks like a cluttered server room, and a thin, bald human on the ground behind some crates. 

"Jacob! Shepard!" he calls to us. "Down here. Bastards got me in the leg." 

Look at him is like a very weird deja vu. I know this man, but from when a time when I was conscious. Maybe from when I wasn't even alive. "You were there the first time I regained consciousness," I note, walking toward him once we're sure the room is clear. 

"Yeah, that was me," he pants. "How about we talk about this after we fix my leg." 

It crosses my mind to just leave him injured. Once he's on his feet, I'll be outnumbered two-to-one by whoever these guys actually are. We're on the same side of this fight at the moment, but someone had to hack these systems. And what happens when the fight we're in at the moment ends? 

I don't stop Jacob from getting him Medi-Gel from a first aid kit on the wall, though. I'd rather have bad odds than let someone die to protect myself. 

"Thanks," Wilson mutters, climbing to his feet. He looks at me and smirks through the pain. "Never thought you'd save my life. Guess that makes us even now." He shakes his head and motions to the room around us. "I thought maybe I could shut down the security mechs, but whoever did this fried the whole system. Completely irreversible." 

"We didn't ask what you were doing," Jacob replies. "Why do you even have security mech clearance? You were in the bio wing." 

Wilson turns to glare at him. "Weren't you listening? I came here to try and fix this. Besides, I was shot! How do you explain that?" 

"You're all strangers to me," I remind him, not about to sit around and wait for them to bicker. "Let's get somewhere safe, and then we'll sort out whose fault it is." 

"Right, Shepard," Jacob agrees with a brief nod. "We need to find Miranda. We can't leave her behind." 

"Forget about Miranda," Wilson counters. "She was over in D wing. The mechs were all over that sector. There's no way she survived." 

Jacob scoffs. "A bunch of mechs won't drop Miranda. She's alive." 

"Then why haven't we heard from her? Where is she?" Wilson demands. "There are only two possible explanations. She's either dead...or she's a traitor." 

"Then why did she wake me up and warn me about the attack?" I ask, unable to keep myself from it, even if I don't want this argument to continue. 

Wilson sighs like that disappoints him in a way. A weird way. "Okay, maybe she's not a traitor. But that doesn't change the facts. We're here, she's not. We need to save ourselves. The shuttle bay is only a few - " 

The doors swing open at the other end of the room, mechs coming in. I'm ahead of Wilson and Jacob in the room, but instead of just taking cover, I swing back while firing. I can't let them fire at my back. 

We finish off the mechs and stand. I check my ammo, hoping I don't have to ask either of them for any extra heat sinks and start through the room again. "Wait, Shepard," Jacob calls from behind me. I turn to face him as Wilson hobbles over. "We took them down, but this is getting intense. Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

I frown at him, but Wilson doesn't let me answer. "This really isn't the time, Jacob." 

"We won't make it if she's expecting a shot in the back." So Jacob is aware enough to know that I didn't want them behind me during the firefight. 

"You wanna piss off the boss, that's on you," Wilson tells him, throwing up his hands. 

I turn to Jacob and wait. They both obviously think this is big information, which means I need to hear him. And I would prefer to be able to trust the people near me. 

"The Lazarus Project," Jacob begins slowly. "The program that rebuilt you...it's funded and controlled by Cerberus." 

That is not what I was expecting. Cerberus is a human-first terrorist organization. Supremacists. Ones I most definitely pissed off a time or two.

"I wiped out my share of Cerberus projects when I was a Spectre. Back then, they were trying to kill me. Why the change of heart?" 

"Those answers are way above my pay grade, but basically...things change. The Alliance declared you dead. They gave up. Cerberus spent a fortune to bring you back." Jacob shrugs a little. "Look, I'd be suspicious, too. But right now we have to work together. I thought you deserved to know what's what. Once we're off the station, I'll take you to the Illusive Man. He'll explain everything, I promise." 

"Illusive Man?" It's the second time I've heard that name. "Is he in charge of all this?"

Wilson answers, "Yeah. That's not his real name, though. Nobody knows what it is." 

"It's a code name the Alliance used for him. It kinda stuck." 

The man who funded the project to save my life got a code name from the Alliance. The Alliance hunted him - or is still hunting him. Because he's a criminal. 

"I don't care what you do or what you say or how much money he spent," I inform them, cocking my pistol to let them know I'm done with this. "I am not working with terrorists." 

I don't know if I'm totally human anymore, but I do know I have moral standards. 

"You can tell it to the boss," Jacob responds, shrugging his shoulders. "But after we've saved our own butts. We're almost at the shuttle." 

We press on and leave the control room, moving into another hallway. The mech did a number on Cerberus agents here. I might feel bad if I didn't think they were all terrorists or working for one. What does that make me, if I got saved by one?

We go through another set of doors and into a docking station where we have to fight multiple mechs coming from several sides. It's a significant fight, and Wilson is very clearly not a soldier, but Jacob and I make it work. We manage to clear them out and approach a bridge. One end is our exit, but the only end holds another terminal with a log from Miranda. 

"The test subject has been recovered, but the damage is far worse than we initially feared," she says in that damn annoying accent. "In addition to the expected burns and internal injuries from the explosion, subject has suffered significant cellular breakdown due to long-term exposure to vacuum and sub-zero temperatures. Despite the extent of the physical trauma, Wilson assures me that the subject is salvageable. The Lazarus project will proceed as planned."   
Salvageable. 

Meat and tubes. 

Cellular breakdown. 

"Shepard?" Jacob calls, his tone gentle. I shake it off again. At some point, I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I was not a person when they found me. I was barely a body. Now is not that time. 

I lead the two of them through the doors at the other end of the bridge. Wilson rushes ahead of us and uses a code to open the doors. The doors open, and he startles when a woman is standing on the other side. I recognize her face from some of the logs. Miranda. 

"Miranda?" Wilson asks, confirming. "But you were - "

I barely see her lift the gun before Miranda shoots Wilson right in the forehead. My gun comes out just as quickly, aimed at Miranda.

"Dead?" she asks, finishing Wilson's sentence and finding it appropriate to be cheeky when she just killed a man. A man who was supposed to be on her team.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jacob demands on her.

"My job. Wilson betrayed us all." Her accent is even more annoying in person than over the comms or on those logs. 

"Even if you're sure, did he deserve that welcome?" I ask, still keeping my gun trained on her. "Is that what counts for due process around here?"

"He sabotaged the security systems, killed my staff, and he would have killed us." 

Jacob scoffs a little. "Are you sure about that, Miranda? We've known Wilson for years. What if you're wrong?" I choose not to point out that Jacob didn't trust Wilson when we first encountered him. 

"I'm never wrong," Miranda responds with a smile that looks dangerous. "I thought you would have learned that by now, Jacob." 

I roll my eyes. "You should have taken him alive. See what he knew." 

"Too risky. I've put too much time and effort into bringing you back to life to let you get killed now." 

"You really think Wilson's capable of that?" Jacob asks. 

She looks down at his dead body and answers, "Not anymore." Damn. This bitch is cold. 

Still, she isn't trying to shoot anyone else, so I put my gun down. "If you say so. What's our next step?" 

"We get on the shuttle and go," she replies. "My boss wants to speak with you." 

"You mean the Illusive Man? I know you work for Cerberus." And I know she wasn't going to tell me before getting me on the shuttle. 

"Ah, Jacob," Miranda sighs, rolling her eyes. "I should have known your conscience would get the better of you." 

Jacob shrugs and doesn't comment on the fact that she talks about a conscious like it's a bad thing. "Lying to the commander isn't the way to get us to join her cause." 

"Well, since we're getting everything out in the open..." She turns to me and softens her features. It would look kind if it didn't look forced. "Is there anything else you want to ask before we go, Commander?"

"Convenient that you show us as we're leaving." I cross my arms over my chest, grounded myself. "Where were you during the attack?"

"Besides trying to save your life? Wilson figured out I was helping you and sent an army of mechs to take me out. I got here as soon as I could. Probably a little too soon if you ask Wilson." 

I just needed to hear her say it; she wouldn't have woken me up to get me out of here if she was the one trying to kill me. And she was in charge. 

"You're the Lazarus Project's Director, aren't you?"

"That's right. I put two years of my life into this project. Into you." 

"Why?" The question comes out harder and faster than I meant for it to. "What does Cerberus want from me?"

"Maybe you should ask the Illusive Man when you meet him," she suggests. "He poured virtually unlimited resources into Lazarus. Obviously, he has some kind of plan for you." 

There's definitely a hint of jealousy in her voice, and I remember one of the logs saying something about Miranda worrying she won't be the favorite anymore. I still don't know what that means. And I can't imagine why someone would work for two years on a project that they don't know the purpose of. 

Miranda is hiding something from me. 

For now, what matters is getting everyone the hell out of here. "What about the rest of the people on the station?" I ask them. 

"This is the evac area. If they're not here now, they're not coming," she answers. It's said so casually. So easily. Like she's not condemning anyone alive on this station to death once we leave. 

I shake my head. I'm not like her. "We can't leave without knowing for sure. We need to go back and take a look." 

"Don't you get it?" she asks, almost laughing. "The only one worth saving is you. Everyone else is expendable." 

"She's right," Jacob chimes in. "We all knew the risks when we signed up. Without you, there's no point to any of this." 

I don't have a choice to go back in by myself and make it out alive. I have to get onto that shuttle if I'm going to survive. 

"Where are we going?" I ask, resigning myself to this fate. For now. 

"Another Cerberus facility. The Illusive Man is waiting there." She motions for me to head onto the shuttle ahead of her. 

"I'm not sure I trust you," I tell her, needing her to know before we go any further. 

"This is the only shuttle off the station," she reminds me. "You want to stay and rot with the mechs, be my guest." 

I shake my head, trying to keep myself from smacking her. "I've had enough of this station to last a lifetime." And enough of Miranda to last several. 

"Or two in your case," she replies, reading my mind. "Come on." 

We climb onto the shuttle where a pilot in Cerberus gear, which I now realize I am also wearing, is waiting. I sit down across from Jacob and Miranda, and it takes off immediately. I lean my head back and close my eyes, kind of grateful for a moment to relax. For having been dead two years, I'm kind of tired. 

Tired and alone. The last time I remember sleeping, I had a nightmare and called Garrus. He didn't answer, and then the alarms went off on the Normandy. Now I don't know where he is. I don't know if he knows I'm alive. I don't know if he mourned me. 

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition," Miranda says, reading something from a datapad so that she misses the glare I give her. 

"Come on, Miranda, more tests?" Jacob asks. "Shepard took down those mechs without any trouble. That has to be good enough." 

Miranda shakes her head. "It's been two years since the attack. The Illusive Man needs to know that Shepard's personality and memories are intact. Ask the questions."

"This is a waste of time," I tell them. "I feel as good as ever."

It's a partial truth. Physically, I feel mostly fine. My biotics feels oddly well charged, and my skin is kind of tight, especially on my face, but it feels like my body. My brain, however, still feels a little foggy. There are weird memories that feel foggy. Like maybe they aren't mine, not completely. 

It would probably help if I could understand more of what happened and why. Why does Cerberus want me back? How did they put me back together? Is that even what they did, or did they start with scraps lying around a lab?

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done. Start with personal history," Miranda says, oblivious to my discomfort or ignoring it. 

Jacob sighs. "Okay. Records show you were a colony kid, raised on Mindoir, and then taken by Batarian slavers. The Alliance rescued you, you enlisted, and you survived a thresher maw attack that wiped out the rest of your team. Do you remember that?"

Memories flash through my mind, exactly the way they come in the nightmares. The sharp smell of thresher maw acid, the screams of my teammates as they melted...  
"I lost a lot of friends that day," I tell them, fighting the memories down the way I have for years. "Going through something like that changes you. It can break you if you let it." 

"I read the report," Jacob replies with a nod, meeting my gaze. "Fifty marines died on Akuze; you were the only one who lived." There's admiration in his voice, the same one I always hear when people want to talk about Akuze. They act like surviving alone is something to be proud of. It put me through hell. "Satisfied, Miranda?"

"Almost. Let's try something more recent." She's eyeing me almost suspiciously. "Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast." 

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was killed in action," Jacob chimes in. "It was your call. Why did you leave her behind?"

The memories this time don't hit me with the blast as we left the Normandy. Instead, I remember Ash reciting poetry, the way her face lit up when she read the classics. I remember her smile when she talked about her sisters. And I remember Garrus comforting me when it was all over. 

He undressed me, showered me, held me until I could stand on my own. And then he put the pieces back together with his touch. It was an intense day, start to finish. 

"I left a friend to die that day, and I didn't do it casually," I tell these people who could never understand. "But I had to save as many people as I could. Ash gave her life for the rest of the team. Without her, I couldn't have stopped Saren. She died a hero." 

"I understand, Commander, and I wasn't judging your decision. Everyone at Cerberus knows that cloning facility had to be destroyed," Jacob assures me. He very obviously wants me to believe him, so I nod. 

"Shepard, think back to the Citadel," Miranda continues, "after the Alliance saved the Destiny Ascension and you killed Saren. What happened next?"

I embraced Garrus in public. Everyone saw, and it started a lot of conversation. A lot of bad ones. And I let the assholes doing it scare me out of Garrus' arms, breaking my heart and maybe his. I can remember the look on his face when I left, and I can't block that out as well as my other crappy memories. 

"Humanity was offered a spot on the Citadel," I tell them, refocusing on what they're actually asking. "I recommended Ambassador Udina for the position, and he was accepted." 

"And is consistently causing a ruckus, from what I've heard," she mutters. Miranda takes a breath and shakes her head at her datapad. "Your memory seems solid. There are other rests we really should run." 

"Come on, Miranda," Jacob scoffs before I can. "Enough with the quizzes. The memories are there, and I can vouch for Shepard's combat skills personally."   
He obviously wants me to appreciate him for that. I don't care. 

"I suppose you're right," Miranda replies. "We'll have to hope the Illusive Man accepts our little field test as enough." 

Just in time, the shuttle docks on the station with a familiar clanging and hiss. The doors open a moment later and release us into what looks like a waiting area. Jacob and Miranda exit with purpose, like they have something to do. Instead of going to do anything that looks important, Miranda approaches a terminal and logs into it while Jacob wanders over to the window and stares out at space. 

"The Illusive Man is waiting for you in the other room," Miranda tells me, pointing to the hallway behind her. 

"I wouldn't keep him waiting," Jacob adds, smiling almost sympathetically. 

I'm not terribly interested in meeting the man who runs Cerberus and put me through a zombie project, except to satisfy my own curiosity. I have to know why. And I really want to get a read on the guy; he leads a terrorist organization, after all. 

I follow the hallway and stairs down the hall and then into a room that has nothing but a large pad. There is no one else here. "What the..." I step into the room, on the pad, and orange lights pop up to scan me from head to do. Just in front of me, a hologram image appears of a man in a chair, smoking a cigarette. 

"Commander Shepard," he greets me. 

"Illusive Man," I reply, already disappointed and crossing my arms over my chest. "I thought we'd be meeting face to face." 

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know." 

I get a feeling he thought I might hit him, and I don't fight my laughter. "You don't know me. You might be the reason I'm alive, but that doesn't mean I trust you." 

"You need to put your personal feelings aside." He pauses to take a drag from his cigarette. It's such a gross habit. "Humanity is up against the greatest threat to our brief existence." 

And then it all clicks. 

"The Reapers." 

"Good to see your memory's intact. How are you feeling?"

I shake my head. "You need to earn the right to ask me those kinds of questions." 

"Cerberus isn't as evil as you believe," he tells me. "You and I are on the same side. We just have different methods." 

"Cut to the chase," I snap at him. There is no way I'm going to get into a debate about the morality of a group like Cerberus, especially not right now. "What did the reapers do to make you decide to bring me back?"

"We're at war," he answers simply. Like war is simple. "No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack." He stands. "While you were sleeping - " 

"I was dead," I correct him, frowning. What kind of person refers to a dead girl as 'sleeping'?

"Yes, well..." He clears his throat. "Entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies. We believe it's someone working with the reapers, just as Saren and the geth aided Sovereign." He walks slowly toward me. Or the hologram image of me on his end anyway. "You've seen this yourself, and you bested all of them. That's just one reason we chose you." 

"You could have trained an entire army for what you spent to bring me back." 

"You're unique," he informs me. "Not just in what you've experienced, but in what you represent. You stood for humanity at a key moment. You're more than a soldier; you're a symbol. I don't know if the Reapers understand fear, but you killed one. They have to respect that." 

I don't know if he's trying to flatter me or not, but I don't hate it. "Fighting a war doesn't seem like Cerberus. Why are you involved?"

"We're committed to the advance and preservation of humanity. If the Reapers are targeting humans, Cerberus will stop them. If we wait for politicians or the Alliance to act, no more human colonies will be left." 

Cerberus is certainly a human-first organization, there's no arguing that. It's the methods I took issue with, especially when it cost innocent lives - human and otherwise. I don't like that we're standing on the same side. If he's even being honest about all this. 

"Sovereign was trying to harvest all life in the galaxy. Why would the Reapers target a few human colonies now?"

"Hundreds of thousands of colonists have vanished; I'd say that fits the definition of harvesting," he tells me. "Nobody's paying attention because it's random and the attacks occur in remote locations. I don't know why they've targeted humanity; maybe you got their attention when you killed one of them." 

"If this is a threat against humanity, you need to mobilize the Alliance." 

The Illusive Man shakes his head and takes another deep drag from his cancer stick. I'm grateful we're not in the same room when he blows the smoke at me. "They suffered substantial losses fighting Sovereign. They're rebuilding, still stretched too thin to waste resources verifying the Reaper threat. Blaming the abductions on mercs and pirates is easier." 

"And more convenient," I mutter, remembering well when the Council and the Alliance sent me on geth hunting missions instead of listening to me about the Reapers. They wanted to keep all of it - including Saren's real purpose and Sovereign's identity - quiet. I'm not surprised they still are. I take a deep breath. "If what you say is true...if the Reapers are behind this...I'd consider helping you." 

It feels dirty just to say it. 

"I'd be disappointed if you accepted any of this without seeing for yourself," he replies, moving back toward the seat. "I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be abducted. Miranda and Jacob will brief you." 

I scoff at that. "Miranda killed Wilson in cold blood, and Jacob is just a gun for hire. You expect me to trust them?"

"Wilson was one of my best agents, but he was a traitor. Miranda did exactly what I expected of her, and she saved your life in more ways than one." He lights another cigarette while sitting. "Jacob's a soldier, one of the best. He's never fully trusted me, but he's always been honest about it. You'll be just fine with them. For now." 

"Is this a volunteer job, or am I being volunteered?"

He almost smiles at that. Maybe it would be a smile if he had a more human face. "You always have a choice, Shepard. If you don't find the evidence we're both looking for, we can part ways. But first, go to Freedom's Progress. Find any clues you can. Who's abducting the colonies? Do they have any connection to the Reapers? I brought you back. It's up to you to do the rest." 

"I'll go to Freedom's Progress," I agree, shaking my head at him, "but it's my mission. And the moment it's over, I'm getting my own damn team." 

I step off the pad, not caring if that ends the call, and then move back up the stairs to where Miranda and Jacob are still waiting. 

"Freedom's Progress. Let's do this."


	3. New Normal

I do not like the Illusive Man. And I especially don't like not having someone to complain to about the Illusive Man. Instead, I have Miranda waiting for me after the meeting. Or cornering me. Of course, if she thinks she can intimidate me by waiting there, she definitely knows nothing about me. 

She's standing in the doorway back to the shuttle waiting area. She isn't totally blocking my path, but I'd have to go around her. I wait instead, willing to hear her out. For now. "The Illusive Man is very impressed with you," she tells me as I reach the top of the stairs. "I'm eager to see if you can live up to his expectations on this mission." 

"I can't have anyone disobeying my commands when we get there." Miranda might like to mince words, but I do not. 

"I know who I report to," she agrees with a nod. "As long as you don't do anything to betray Cerberus, I'll follow your orders."

I wonder if she knows I was in love with a Turian before I died; would that count as betraying Cerberus. I'm not sure it matters now. I did die, after all. 

And I'd still be dead if not for Miranda. Deep breath. 

"I never got a chance to say how much I appreciate what the Lazarus Project did for me," I offer, hoping she can accept it as an olive branch. 

"I just hope it was worth it," she replies. Guess not. "A lot of people died on that station." 

I choose not to remind her that I wanted to go back in and save more of those people she's suddenly so sad about. Didn't she tell me that my life was the only one that mattered? I wanted to save whoever might be left behind; it's her fault they're dead. She has another thing coming if she thinks I'm going to let that go. 

"We have to work together here, Miranda. Your attitude isn't helping anything." 

"I have the utmost respect for your abilities, Shepard. It's your motivations that concern me. I believe in what Cerberus stands for." She shrugs. "Only time will tell if you'll prove to be an asset or a liability to our cause." 

Clearly, this isn't going to get us anyway. And if this person is coming down to the surface with me for a mission, I need to find some common ground. She's obviously proud of her work with the Lazarus Project, so I try that. 

"I'd like to know more about the Lazarus Project from the person in charge." I'd like to know how much of me is still human and how much is robot.

"I wasn't in charge," Miranda counters. When I frown, she explains, "The Illusive Man was. If I was running the show, I would have done a few things differently." 

"What would you have changed?" I wonder if she thinks I should be able to fit into leather as tight as she can. 

"To start, I would have implanted you with some type of control chip," she answers as if it's the most normal thing in the world to want to control someone. "But the Illusive Man wouldn't allow it. He was afraid it might affect your personality - alter your character somehow. He wouldn't let us do anything that might limit your potential in any way." 

It's weird to think that I agree with the Illusive Man on something. "Can't say I like the idea of being brought back to life with a control chip in my brain." 

"The Illusive Man is taking an incredible risk with you. I just hope his gamble pays off." 

Her tone, not quite sarcastic but definitely doubtful, suggests that this line is not getting us any closer to common ground. I seriously doubt I'll ever like this person, but I'd like to be sure she won't shoot me. She already completed her mission and brought me back; maybe she's decided I'm not worth the trouble. "What can you tell me about this colony we're going to?"

"Freedom's Progress." She shrugs again. "It's a typical human settlement in the Terminus Systems. They had a small military force for protection supplemented by mechs and security drones. Average in almost every way, really. Completely unremarkable...until the disappearance." 

"Any thoughts on what we might run into there?"

Miranda shakes her head, and her hair doesn't move much. Meanwhile, mine is probably a disaster, especially since it's longer than it's ever been. "A lot of empty buildings and one giant mystery." 

Great; she's not going to travel down this path either. I do not like this person. Maybe if I could figure her out...

"Tell me about yourself." 

"Worried about my qualifications?" She puffs her chest out a little. "I can crush a mech with my biotics or shoot its head off at one hundred yards. Take your pick." 

"Did you and Jacob serve together in the Alliance?" 

"No," she answers. "The Illusive Man recognized my potential and recruited me at a young age." 

"How old were you?"

"Old enough to know that this is what I wanted." 

It takes a lot of self-control not to throw my hands up at her. Or throw a fist at her. "I am just trying to get to know you as a human being." 

"I'm not looking for a friend, Shepard," Miranda responds, cool as ever. "Stay focused on the mission. We can talk about it, or we can do it." 

"Fine, Miranda. Then stay out of my way, and I'll get the job done." 

I could do the adult thing and keep myself contained. There's room enough to walk around her. Instead, I hit her with my shoulder on the way. Let her go ahead and try to crush me with her biotics. Bitch. 

Jacob is standing near the window still, but now he's watching me and smirking a little. I run a hand through my hair and approach him, hoping at least one of the Cerberus crew has a personality that doesn't make me want to punch people. 

"I'm glad the Illusive Man convinced you to join us, Commander," he says, avoiding what he definitely saw with Miranda. I can appreciate that. Loyalty gets points with me, and she was his commanding officer. 

"I just agreed to work with him. I still don't trust him." I want to make that clear right away for everyone around. 

"Do you trust me, Commander?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at me. 

I pretend to consider it. "You're a good man, Jacob. But you might be working for the wrong people." 

"Maybe," he allows. "But I thought the same thing when I was with the Alliance. That's why I'm here now." 

I remember him telling me that the Alliance gave up on me. They heard what happened to the Normandy and declared me killed in action. Cerberus came after my body. I may not agree with it, but at least they took action. What has the Alliance been doing for two years? What did they do with my team?

"Why did you join Cerberus?" I ask him. It's hard not to be curious what might bring someone else here. 

"I guess I just got tired of never making a difference. So much of what we did in the Alliance seemed pointless." He shakes his head, his frustration showing on his face. "I thought things would change after the attack on the Citadel. The Alliance saved the Council, we should have gotten more respect. But nothing changes. Politics. Bureaucracy. Cerberus is different. When colonies go missing, we don't commission a team to write a report to figure out what the hell to do about it. We just go and find out." 

He startles a little when I laugh. "If you were like half a foot taller and had a fringe, you would be extremely familiar, Jacob." 

The laughter leaves me in a rapid flood, replaced by intense sorrow. It's been two years since I saw my best friend. Even if, to me, it kind of just feels like I died yesterday, something in me misses him. Where is he?

I take a breath and force myself to focus. "Do you know anything about this colony we're going to?"

"It's called Freedom's Progress, but I don't know much else. I guess we'll find when we get there," he responds. 

"That's all for now." And I guess that has to be good enough for now. I turn to Miranda and call, "Let's get on the shuttle and get to work." 

They both follow me onto the shuttle - a different one than the shuttle that brought us to this station. There are no others around, though. There's nothing and no one else around. I don't see the shuttle pilot again either, but I don't much care to. He's Cerberus, after all, and I may very well quit on Cerberus after this mission.   
Miranda and Jacob sit across from me again. Probably because I take the middle of the bench on my side. I never like having people next to me on shuttles. 

"We should be there shortly, Shepard," Miranda tells me. "The Illusive Man put us under your command. Do you have any orders?"

I think about what I know from the Illusive Man's report about Freedom's Progress. It was a colony, just like Mindoir. Families lived here, people just trying to live their lives the best way they could. And then they were attacked and taken, their families ripped apart. Just like Mindoir. And just like the other colonies this has happened to. 

"We're going to find out who did this and take them down. Nothing gets in our way. Am I clear?"

"Perfectly, Commander," Miranda responds. 

Jacob nods. "Good to have you here, Shepard." 

I watch through the window as the shuttle comes down among a bunch of prefab buildings. It's a small colony, set up like a town instead of a farming colony like many of the others. The colonists lived close together; they were likely very close. 

They probably tried to protect one another. Now it's my turn to protect them. 

As soon as the shuttle lands, I jump out and head for the first building. I keep my gun in my hand, but don't bother to wait for Miranda and Jacob. The building is a Mess Hall, and lights flicker on from the ceilings as the sensors recognize movement. If they went out, no one has been here for a while. 

"Looks like everyone just got up and left right in the middle of dinner," Jacob mutters. He's right. There are plates with food on them still, though it's definitely gone cold and stale. 

We move through the entire building and out the doors at the other end. A pathway takes us to an open cargo area with large tanks. I recognize them as the water wells colonists use. There are still no people there. There's nothing at all. 

"Strange," Miranda breathes, reading my mind. "No bodies, no structural damage, no signs of battle." 

We continue on through a large set of doors, deeper into the colony. This time, we don't even get to step through the doors before bullets are coming at us. I duck back behind the wall, Miranda and Jacob doing the same. "Hear that?" Jacob asks between shots. "Sounds like a Fenris mech." 

He's right; there's a low whirring sound. 

"The security systems were disabled at the other colonies," Miranda notes. 

"OK, well, they aren't here. Here, they're attacking us. Let's not stand around and let them." I lead the two of them into the battle, taking out a wave of Loki mechs that look like mechanical women and Fenris, which will always remind me of dogs. I don't like shooting dogs. 

Jacob is a fairly solid shot, and he has control of his biotics. He's a soldier, that's obvious in his motions. I can predict him. Miranda is certainly formidable in battle; her biotics are some of the best I've ever seen, and she's a good shot as well. She's also a loose cannon, and not in a good way. Something feels almost like she's showing off. 

When they're all down, Jacob frowns at me. "Those mechs shouldn't have been hostile. They should have recognized us as human." 

"Sometime reprogrammed them to attack on sight," Miranda chimes in. "We're not alone here." 

We know that it's not whoever attacked the colonists because they didn't shoot; they didn't fight at all, as far as we can see. We can assume it's not a colonist as well since none of them have survived these attacks so far. So someone who absolutely should not be here is, and that makes no sense. 

"Let's introduce ourselves," I suggest, motioning for them to continue on behind me. Neither of them objects or challenge me on it, so we continue through the cargo area, up a set of stairs, and then into the building at the top. There's a space at the end of the building before another one, and multiple security mechs are there and firing. It's almost like they're waiting for us. 

We wipe them out fairly quickly, a few shots and a well-placed hit from my biotics. Miranda side-eyes me for taking that shot before her, but I ignore her. Another building awaits, and we continue on, the doors opening automatically when we arrive. And sending us into a room with several Quarians. 

In a flash, we all have guns drawn on each other. I don't even know who moved first, but I know there's a Quarian rushing forward with his rifle up and shouting, "Stop right there!" 

"Prazza!" Another Quarian, this one unarmed, rushes forward. She shoves the others aside to stand in front of the one who yelled at us, Prazza. And this Quarian is very familiar, the moment she glances at us and puts one hand up in front of my barrel. My heart leaps into my throat. 

It's the first moment I've felt alive at all since waking up alive. And I wish that didn't make it so glaringly obvious that I...don't. 

"Prazza, you said you'd let me handle this," Tali tells the Quarian. "I..." She looks back over her shoulder again, and I can't help a smile when I know she's looking at me. "Wait...Shepard?"

"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives," Prazza snaps at her. 

Tali shoves him back and orders, "Put those weapons down." She whirls around to face me. "Shepard? Is that...you're alive?"

"That's what they tell me," I reply, lowering my gun and signaling for Miranda and Jacob to do the same. I can tell that Tali is skeptical, and I can't really blame her. "Remember when I gave you that geth data, Tali? Did it help you complete your pilgrimage?"

I can tell she's smiling because Tali'Zorah smiles with her entire body. "Yes, it did! Prazza, weapons down. This is definitely Commander Shepard." 

She might be smiling, but she doesn't move to touch me or hug me. The last time I saw Tali, she let me cry on her shoulder. Tali, my mother, and Garrus - the only people whose shoulders I have ever cried on. And now she doesn't even hug me. 

"Why is your old commander working for Cerberus?" her friend asks. 

"I don't know," Tali answers, scoffing at him. "Maybe we should ask." 

I owe her an explanation - I'm going to owe a lot of them - but we still have a mission here. "Cerberus rebuilt me, but I'm not taking their orders. We can discuss the specifics once I know why you're here." 

"One of our people was here on pilgrimage," she explains. "His name was Veetor. We came to find him?"

"This is where he came for his pilgrimage?" I clarify. "Isn't that a little strange? I mean, you fought in the Battle of the Citadel." 

She laughs, a sweet sound I've missed with no good reason to have missed it. "We can't all be like me, and Quarians can choose where they go on their pilgrimage. Veetor liked the idea of helping a small settlement. He was always...nervous in crowds." 

"She means that he was unstable," Prazza interjects. "Combine that with damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers and an infection from open-air exposure, and he's likely delirious." 

"When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town," Tali explains. "We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved." 

"Veetor is the only one who can tell us what happened here." Tali nods at me. "We should work together to find him." I try not to sound excited about that, about working with a member of my team again, but I don't know if I'm successful. 

"Good idea," Tali agrees. Is she excited, too? "We'll need two teams to get past the drones anyway." 

"Now we're working with Cerberus?" Prazza demands. 

Tali whirls on him again. "No, Prazza, you're working for me. If you can't follow orders, go wait on the ship." She turns back to me, takes a breath, and continues, "Head for the warehouse through the center of the colony. We'll circle around the far side and draw some of the drones to clear you a path." 

I really like seeing Tali in charge. Especially because it seems so familiar. Her team, however, is a concern. 

"Your people really don't like Cerberus. What did I miss?" I ask. 

"They killed our people, infiltrated our flotilla, and tried to blow up one of our ships," Prazza snaps, stepping closer to Miranda while he says it. The guy has no fear, I'll give him that much. 

"That's not how I'd have explained it, exactly," Miranda replies, way too casual for the subject matter. She obviously doesn't give a shit. "It was nothing personal." 

"We can argue over who killed who later," Jacob chimes in. "Right now, we've got a job to do." And now he's incriminated himself as well. Nice. Cerberus should teach its people just to shut the hell up. 

"We need to get to Veetor," Tali says firmly. 

I nod and use my new Omni-Tool to set-up a connection with hers. "Make sure to keep in radio contact." 

"Will do," she promises. "Good luck, Shepard. Whatever happens...it's good to have you back." 

And then she turns and walks away. She leads her own team off. A team that is different than mine. When Tali walks out the door, even though we're technically working together on this, a sick wave of loneliness washes over me. I am intensely alone now. The only people with me are a man who leads a terrorist organization and lives as a hologram, a bitch who wants me to fail, and an ex-soldier who has checked out my ass way too many times. I am alone. 

But I have a job to do, and I get on it, leading my team outside of the building and toward the other end of the town. Tali gives us a heads up about a squad of security drones waiting for us, and it's very helpful. Especially when we encounter drones that are equipped with rockets. They aren't as easy to take down, but they do go down. 

"Shepard!" Tali calls over the comms. "Prazza and his squad rushed on ahead. I told them to wait, but he wouldn't listen. They want to find Veetor and take him away before you get here." 

"We should have expected this," Miranda drawls. 

"As karma for being Cerberus? Yep." She chooses not to respond to that, following me through the remaining buildings and into a square at the other end of town. A set of stairs leads us down where more security mechs and rocket drones are waiting. 

"Hurry, Shepard!" Tali calls. "We're inside the loading docks. Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech; it's tearing Prazza's squad apart." The pain in her voice makes me move faster and harder, taking out the mechs and pushing through to the loading bay doors. 

"Tali, can you get these doors open for us if we take cover?" She confirms, and I order Jacob and Miranda into cover on either side of the door. I think Miranda might wish she were taking point, but she goes where I tell her. 

The doors open, and we're witness to one of the Quarian squad getting stomped on and then shot by a huge mech. "Let's get in there!" I order them, leaping over the cover and hurrying into the loading bay. There's plenty in here to take cover behind, but the mech is equipped with rockets and machine guns, so the cover only does so much to help. 

"That mech's got heavy armor plating," Jacob notes, his voice a little sad. "Those Quarian never stood a chance." 

"This is going to be one tough son of a bitch to take down," Miranda agrees. 

Little do they know that shooting makes me feel at least a little alive. A little. Enough. Enough that I'm almost sad the Quarian have done some damage to the mech, but it's still hard work to take it down. Tali proves that she's only gotten better, keeping its shields down. What I really need, though, is a sniper with an incredible rifle and even better aim. 

The mech lets off a rocket at the crates I was hiding behind just a second before I manage to leap out and take cover elsewhere. The thing almost got me. It was close enough that I can feel the heat of the explosion on my armor, and that is just too damn familiar. 

I am not dying again. Not until I have a chance to tell Garrus how sorry I am, how I feel - still, even now. I don't care where he is or if he's moved on, I cannot die with that regret again. And no way am I going down at the hands of yet another machine. 

I switch to my shotgun and take the metal bastard down in a shower of sparks. There is no time to waste enjoying that, though, and I hurry to where Tali is giving one of her teammates first aid. "This is your chance to go find Veetor, Shepard," she tells me. "He's probably somewhere in the back of the loading bay." 

"Radio in if you need us," I tell her. My hand lifts and moves toward her shoulder because that's what I would have done two years ago. But it's been two years. Am I allowed to touch her now, after all this time? I don't know the answer, but I choose not to chance it. I don't know if I could handle the rejection. 

Or if she freaked out because an undead robot touched her. 

I push on through the loading bay, facing no more resistance. Even the doors to the final building open for us without trouble. And inside, a sole Quarian sits in a chair facing away from us and staring at almost a wall full of screens. There is a lot of data scrolling, but he's very obviously keeping an eye on the entire colony.   
"Monsters coming back," he's muttering to himself. "Mechs will protect. Safe from swarms. Have to hide. No monsters. No swarms. No-no-no-no-no." 

"Veetor?" I call, hoping he can still hear me through what sounds like fog in his mind. 

"No, Veetor. Not here. Swarms can't find. Monsters coming. Have to hide." 

Miranda scoffs. "Great. We come all this way, and our only witness is a babbling idiot." 

She at least has the good sense to wither a little when I glare at her, but Veetor doesn't seem bothered. "Swarms coming. Have to hide. Have to hide." 

I try a different approach and step a little closer. It's worth a shot if he really is our only witness, and I don't want to be anything like Miranda. "Veetor, you're safe," I call to the shaken Quarian. "There are no monsters here. We came to help." 

For the first time since we entered, Veetor stops typing. Slowly, he straightens and then stands, guarding his side to suggest a bad injury there. And in a Quarian, that's even more serious than usual. "You're...not one of them," he says, slower now. "You're human. They...they didn't find you?"

"Who didn't find you?" Miranda asks. 

Veetor just stares at her for a moment, and I almost laugh. "Can you blame him for not wanting to answer your questions now?" She just rolls her eyes, but I turn back to Veetor and give him a nod, hoping he'll answer me. 

"The...the monsters," he stammers. "The swarms. They took everyone." 

"Why didn't the colonists fight back, Veetor?" I press. "What happened?" 

"You don't know," he answers, moving back to the screens and his keyboard. "You didn't see. But I see everything." 

He plays the video so that it includes all of his screens. "Looks like security footage," Miranda notes. "He must've pieced it together manually." 

We watch something that looks like giant flying insects - a swarm of them, actually - fly around while large aliens carry away what looks like coffins. None of it makes a lot of sense to me, but I hear Miranda gasp and Jacob swear. 

"My God," Miranda breaths. "I think it's a Collector." 

"Is that some kind of alien?" I ask. 

Jacob nods. "They're a species from somewhere beyond the Omega 4 Relay. Only a few people have ever seen one in person." 

"They usually work through intermediaries, like slavers or hired mercenaries," Miranda continues. "If they're involved with the Reapers somehow, it could explain what happened to the colonies." 

We watch as the Collectors through either dead or unconscious humans into the coffins carelessly. Like they're basically just tossing out the trash. It makes me feel sick. These people are alive and discarded. 

"The Collectors have advanced technology," Jacob tells us. "They could have a weapon that disables an entire settlement at once." 

"The seeker warms," Veetor announces. He sets the camera to show humans seemingly frozen for Collectors to grab. There are bugs everywhere. "No one can hide. The seekers find you. Freeze you. Then the monsters take you away." 

"OK, Veetor. What happened next?" 

Veetor turns to me again. "The monsters took the people onto the ship, and then they left. The ship flew away. But they'll be back for me. No one escapes."   
He dissolves into muttering again, this time leaning on the back of the chair like it's getting hard to hold himself up. I want to reach for him, but I don't want to freak him out any further. "I think that's probably all we're getting out of him, Commander," Jacob notes, and I agree. 

"Thank you, Veetor," I tell him. "You were very helpful." 

"I studied them," Veetor interjects. "The monsters. The swarms. I recorded them with my Omni-Tool. Lots of readings. Electro-magnetic. Dark energy." 

"We need to get this data to the Illusive Man," Miranda chirps. "Grab the Quarian and call the shuttle to come pick us up." 

Before I can tell him off, Tali comes in. "What?" she demands. "Veetor is injured. He needs treatment, not an interrogation." 

"We won't hurt him," Jacob says like he actually believes it. "We just need to see if he knows anything else. He'll be returned unharmed." 

"Your people tried to betray us once already," Miranda adds. "If we give him to you, we'll never get the intel we need." 

"God, you people talk about Veetor like he's a piece of data," I snap at them. 

"They have a point, Shepard," Tali says. She almost reaches out to touch me. Almost. Then she doesn't, because she doesn't think she knows me anymore. Her hand falls, and she says, "Prazza was an idiot, and his men paid for it. You're welcome to take Veetor's Omni-Tool data, but please...just let me take him." 

I want to ask her to stay. I even want to tell her that I'm lonely and scared to be alone with Cerberus. I would have before learning that we haven't seen each other for two years. Now...

"Tali, you don't have to take Veetor and go. We could work together." I have to swallow before I can say, "Just like old times." 

I know she's going to reject me before she speaks. 

"I can't. I've got a mission of my own. It's too important for me to abandon, even for you." That should be a compliment, I'm sure. All I hear is that I'm still alone. "When it's over, and I'm still alive, we'll see what happens." 

I'm not about to beg. Not even for Tali. 

"He's traumatized, and he needs medical care," I tell Miranda and Jacob. "Tali will give us Veetor's Omni-Tool data and take him to the flotilla." 

"Understood, Commander," Miranda agrees so quickly that it surprises me. 

Tali nods. "Thank you, Shepard. I'm glad you're still the one giving orders. Good luck out there. If I find anything that can help you, I'll let you know." 

She walks away from me then, toward Veetor, while I hear Jacob make a call for the shuttle to come get us. And then Tali leaves, back to her own ship and her own mission. Pride swells in my chest; Tali - the little Quarian I found in a back alley with a bunch of trouble and a snarky attitude - is leading her own mission for the flotilla. But the pride is hollow. 

She left. Tali knows that I'm alive, didn't even hug me, and refused to work with me. Logically I know that's for the best if she has her own work; I shouldn't even have asked for her to leave it. But I miss her. I miss my old life. 

If Tali won't work with me and she was like my sister, what about everyone else? What about Garrus?

*****

Yet again, I'm meeting the Illusive Man by hologram. I have to wonder if he's on this same station somewhere, or if the planet behind him is some kind of clue about where he actually is. It's just as bad as the damn Council when I used to have to report to them. 

Shit, do I still report to them? Am I still a Spectre?

"Shepard," the Illusive Man greets me, pulling me out of those thoughts. "Good work on Freedom's Progress. The Quarians forwarded their findings from Veetor's debriefing. No new data, but it's a surprising olive branch, given our history. You and I have different methods, but I can't argue with your results." 

"It pays to make friends instead of using force," I tell him. "And the data from his Omni-Tool should be useful. Veetor seemed very capable." 

"We're still analyzing it," he says with a nod that makes me wonder if they're going to bother analyzing it at all. "But more importantly, you confirmed the Collectors are behind the abductions." 

There is triumph in his tone, and it does not sit well with me. "Something tells me you're not surprised, so why don't you just tell me what you know about these...Collectors." 

"They periodically travel to the Terminus Systems, looking to gather seemingly unimportant items or specimens," he explains between puffs on a cigarette. "Usually in exchange for technology. When their business is done, they disappear as quickly as they arrived back beyond the unmapped Omega 4 relay. Until now, we've had no evidence of direct aggression by the Collectors." 

"I've never even heard of the Omega 4 relay before. Why is it unmapped?"

"All we know is that no ship passing through has returned. Our best guess is that the relay reacts differently to Collector vessels." 

"Meaning they manipulate the relays...which is Reaper technology," I note, only partially talking to the Illusive Man. This is proof that the Reapers are associated with all of this, which means I can't walk away. It means I'm going to be working with the Illusive Man and Cerberus. 

It means I have a shot to avenge my own death while saving a lot of lives. 

"Any idea why the Collectors and the Reapers have shifted their focus to humans?" I ask. If nothing else, Cerberus has built some information over the last couple of years. 

"Obviously, humanity played a huge role in Sovereign's destruction. That might have been enough to draw their attention." He pauses this time to sip what looks like whiskey. "What really concerns me is why bother abducting the colonists. Once the humans are paralyzed, why not just kill them?"

"I have more questions than that. I can see some connection to the Reapers, sure," I allow. "But what has kept you so sure for two years? And why isn't anyone else picking up the same clues you are?"

"The patterns are there, buried in data," he responds. "The Council and the Alliance want to believe the Reaper threat died with Sovereign. You and I know better. I won't wait until the Reapers are on the march; we need to take the fight to them." 

It's hard to argue with. None of it feels like two years ago to me, so I remember Sovereign's threats vividly. And if the other Reapers have half the power Sovereign did, we're going to be in for one hell of a battle. That doesn't even account for the Reaper that destroyed the Normandy like it was flicking a bug. 

"If this is war, I'll need an army," I tell him, crossing my arms and taking a stance. "Or a really good team." 

The Illusive Man nods. "I've already compiled a list of soldiers, scientists, and mercenaries. You'll get dossiers on the best of them. Finding them and convincing them to work with you could be a challenge, but you're a natural leader." 

"Hang on, you're handpicking more of the people I'm supposed to work with?" I scoff at him. "Miranda and Jacob aren't enough? How many do you need to keep me in check? No, thanks, I'll decide who's on my team." 

"I've made it clear to Miranda and Jacob that you're in charge," he replies, waving a hand dismissively. The hand with his ever-lit cigarette, of course. "You decide who joins your squad. Everyone else on this list was chosen specifically for this mission. They're the best." 

"I'll be the judge of that." And I've already made judgment; I know who is best. 

"I'm sure you will." He uncrosses his legs and continues, "Before you go...two things. First, head to Omega and find Mordin Solus. He's a brilliant Salarian scientist; our intelligence suggests that he may know how to counteract the Collector's paralyzing seeker swarms."

I laugh at him. "I haven't even started, and you're telling me what to do. You shouldn't have brought me back exactly as I was if you wanted me to just accept orders." 

"I'm giving you direction," he counters. "What you do with it is up to you. I'm sure you'll make the right decision." 

Gross, this guy can bullshit anything. I wave it off. "All right. What's the other thing?"

"I found a pilot you might like," he announces, obviously pleased with himself. "I hear he's one of the best. Someone you can trust." The Illusive Man pulls up a screen and presses a button. It takes me a moment to register the doors behind me opening, and I turn to wait for whomever he just sent in. 

The man who enters, hidden mostly by the shadows in the hallway at first, is slight in build and limping a little. He's wearing a ballcap as well. In an instant, he is intensely familiar. He's the last member of the Normandy I saw alive. 

"Hey, Commander," Joker greets me, smirking that exact smirk I missed on him. "Just like old times, huh?" 

"Holy hell, look at you." I step off the pad to end the call, and motion for Joker to walk out of the room with me. No way am I giving the Illusive Man a show for my reunion with one of my closest friends. "You're in much better shape than the last time I saw you, Joker." 

He laughs and shakes his head at me. "Me? Look who's talking! You got spaced." 

"Got lucky, with a lot of strings attached," I quip. I take his lead through the halls; it's clear Joker knows his way around. "How'd you get here?"

"It all fell apart without you, Commander," he breathes, voice and face falling. "Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted gone. The team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the only thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah, I joined Cerberus." 

"Damn." It's hard to blame him. Joker is a pilot; he belongs flying ships. I can understand him needing to find somewhere to fly but...Cerberus. "You really trust the Illusive Man?"

"I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do," he replies with a laugh. "But they aren't all bad. Saved your life. Let me fly...and there's this." He stops in front of a large glass window; whatever is on the other side is shrouded in darkness. "They only told me last night." 

He motions through the window, and I follow his gaze. The lights turn on inside what looks like a docking bay, one by one. And when they're all lit, they reveal a ship that is all at once new and familiar. It's upgraded for sure, and it's in black and white now, but even without the name painted on the side, I would know this ship anywhere. 

The Normandy SR-2. 

"It's good to be home, huh, Commander?"


	4. Adjusting

Joker parts from me on the ship to let me walk around a little on my own. I don't go far. I feel like a stranger here, waiting for the ship's Commander to come and welcome me. To tell me that I'm allowed to be here. The Normandy is so familiar but too different to fool me. 

This isn't the ship that took down Saren and Sovereign. This isn't the ship that was the last one Ashley Williams or Pressly ever served on. This isn't the ship a hodgepodge crew made home. 

This isn't the ship where I fell in love. 

"Welcome to the new Normandy, Commander," Jacob greets me, standing beside Miranda, where they're both waiting for me in the CIC. The galaxy map and controls here are at least familiar enough that I think I'll be able to get around. I find myself surprised that Cerberus didn't choose to eliminate all the Turian design aspects of the ship.

"I've been looking over the dossiers," Miranda tells me. "I'd strongly recommend starting by acquiring Mordin Solus, the Salarian professor on Omega. We know the Collectors use some type of advanced technology to immobilize their victims; we'll need him to develop a countermeasure to protect us." 

I wonder if she knows that the Illusive Man made the same recommendation. She has a point, though. "Without that countermeasure, we'll be helpless if we ever run into the Collectors." 

"Acquiring Professor Solus seems like the most logical place to start," another voice, feminine and robotic and kind of sultry, chimes in. I have no idea where it came from, though, and find myself looking around like a fool. 

"Who are you?" I ask. 

A beep behind me catches my attention, and I turn to find a hologram image has popped up from a console. It's circular with dozens of pixelated dots and lights that spread, moving like a mouth would speak but vertically. "I am the Normandy's Artificial Intelligence," the program announces. "The crew like to refer to me as EDI." 

"Oh, this is not good," I mutter. "Helmsmen aren't happy when someone takes control of their ship away from them. Especially helmsmen like Joker." 

"I do not helm the ship," EDI responds. "Mr. Moreau's talents will not go to waste." 

"As long as you plan to flatter him like that, you might be OK here." EDI doesn't respond, disappearing instead. I should have figured more people would be around...and probably should have figured Cerberus would participate in illegal AI research. An issue for a different day. I turn back to Miranda and Jacob. "I'm guessing it takes more than just the three of us plus Joker to fly this ship." 

"The Normandy has a full crew. They're at their stations, awaiting your orders," Miranda tells me. 

Joker's voice comes over the comms; now, that is familiar. "Final preparations for takeoff are complete, Commander. When you're ready to go, let me know where." 

"Head in the direction of Omega, Joker," I tell him. "In the meantime...I'll settle in." Or try to anyway. 

"Jacob and I should return to our posts," Miranda says. "Come find us if you need anything." She heads away, and Jacob salutes me before following her off. 

Alone, again. 

Instead of staying that way, I head for the cockpit. There is someone on this ship that feels familiar. And he might have some answers for me. 

He turns around in his seat as I approach, always anticipating my arrival. "Can you believe this, Commander?" he practically cheers. "It's my baby, better than new! It fits me like a glove. And leather seats! The military may set the hardware standard, but on a first-gen frigate, they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design," he coos, running his hands over the arms of the chair almost indecently.

"Reproduction is not intended to be perfect, Mr. Moreau," EDI says, popping up on the console just beside the pilot's chair. "Seamless improvements were made." 

"Aaaand there's the downside," he groans, glaring at the lights. "I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she's got this thing I don't want to talk about. It's like ship cancer." 

I shake my head. EDI is only one of the issues I have right now. "I don't trust them, Joker," I tell him honestly. "We still need to move ahead, but it's all too convenient. And this ship's just a copy. It'll never be the same." 

"Maybe you're right," he notes. "It's hard to argue when they installed an AI to spy on us." He smirks at me again. "We're staying, though, right? I mean, this seat is real leather!" 

"Good to you see you're keeping it all in perspective, Joker," I tease him. 

"Uh, leather!" He flashes me a grin before turning back to face his controls. 

Right, he has to fly the ship. That means this isn't a good opportunity to drill him about a Turian who the ship is decidedly missing. I don't feel ready to walk away yet, though. EDI blinking at me is a tempting excuse to stay. Besides, I do need to learn more about the AI Joker has called a spy and ship cancer. 

"EDI?" I ask the console. 

"Yes, Shepard?" 

"I...want to know more about the people I'm working with. And more about the AI that has access to my ship." 

EDI's console doesn't hesitate. "Much of that data is classified. Do you have a specific inquiry?"

"How did Cerberus replicate the most advanced warship in the Alliance Navy without anyone knowing?" I ask. I feel myself moving into posture, my arms crossing and my hips cocking. I don't do it on purpose, but I don't like EDI's answers so far. 

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question?"

"Excuse me? What does that mean?"

"Although I am less controlled than other AI, I am still subject to behavior blocks and the physical isolation of my hardware," EDI explains. "In this case, I am prevented from truthfully answering your questions by Cerberus' levels of secret classification." 

"I don't know if I should be pissed that I don't have access to all the information you possess, or if I should be grateful that you're not just lying to me," I reply, wishing EDI had a face I could glare at. EDI doesn't give me an opinion on which of those emotions I should go with. AI really are intelligent. "Let me try again. What sort of resources does Cerberus have? Money, personnel, facilities...?"

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question." 

I throw up my hands, and Joker chuckles. "Watch it, Brittle Bones. A good smack upside your head would feel really good right about now." 

"I said nothing, Commander," he says, putting his hands up and not looking at me. 

"OK. EDI. What if I want to know more about you?" I suggest, either too stupid or too stubborn to give up. 

"Do you have a specific inquiry?" EDI asks. I should have seen that coming. 

"What do you do aboard the ship?"

EDI finally gives me a real answer. "I operate the ship's electronic and cyberwarfare suites in combat. My reaction time is much faster than any organic. I also collate the records of shipboard monitoring devices." 

"OK, hang on. Let's come back to the warfare business later. You mentioned monitoring devices?" 

"Told you it was a spy," Joker chirps, turning toward EDI now. 

"The Illusive Man has monitoring devices on board?" I clarify, trying to keep my temper under control. 

"He has invested most of Cerberus' resources into the design and construction of this ship," EDI says calmly. "He has an interest in monitoring our progress." 

"I did not sign up to be monitored or spied on," I inform her, a lot less calmly. "EDI, I want those devices shut down." I can feel Joker glancing back and forth between me and the console while we wait for an answer. 

I will swear the AI sounds almost hesitant when she responds, "I am unable to accept that command. Only the Illusive Man can shut down the monitoring program." 

"Spy!" Joker shouts, pointing at her. "Unplug it, Commander." 

"I do not have a plug, Mr. Moreau," EDI replies. "I do have individual monitoring devices, however, that can be...inappropriately shut down." 

"Inappropriately? How?" I press, frowning at the spy that seems to be on our side. 

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question," EDI answers. "I do not, however, have a command that would force me to repair disabled devices or report their malfunction." 

"If I can shut them down?"

"Yes, Commander. Which I cannot condone or recommend." 

Joker frowns up at me from his seat. "Did, uh, the AI just give us permission to break Cerberus rules?"

"It might be a good spy, Joker," I note. "But it'd be nice to still have people on the crew who could shutdown those devices with a blink." 

"Ha! Yeah, that'd..." Joker clears his throat, and I look down at him, finding the pilot very uncomfortable and pale all of a sudden. It makes my chest feel cold. Something is wrong. "You're gonna ask me about him, aren't you?"

I take the navigator's seat and sit sideways in it so I can face him. "Do you not want me to ask about him?"

"I would be concerned they failed with bringing you back as, ya know, you if you didn't ask," he responds, rubbing his face. "Shepard...no one knows where he is." 

"I..." Words fail me. Garrus is...what, missing? Gone? "Explain." 

Joker takes a breath. "He just disappeared. One day he was on the Citadel; the next, he was missing and totally unreachable. We couldn't find him - and we all looked. Even Wrex and Tali, who were both back with their people. Anderson helped, too." 

"How long ago was this?" I have to use a lot of self-control not to shout about it, not to panic. How does someone just disappear in this galaxy? Especially someone who was supposed to be in Spectre training, who was a cop, who had friends and family. Garrus was loved; where the hell did he go?

"It was...a few months after you died. He wasn't ever really normal after though, you know?" Joker glances at me and then away again. It brings the cold right back and makes me feel sick. Joker doesn't want to tell me everything, and from someone this blunt, that's very serious. "He was really messed up over you, Shepard. And then he was just gone." 

"I don't accept that," I announce, standing. "If Cerberus has the resources to bring me back from the dead and to rebuild the Normandy, they can find one damn Turian." 

Joker shakes his head. "They tried. They tried to contact everyone from the original Normandy. Garrus was the only one they couldn't find." 

"He has to be somewhere!" 

"You know, if he hears that you're alive, he's going to show up. Garrus never could stay away from you." 

That drags a painful laugh from my throat. "Yeah, even when it would have been best for him, right?" Joker doesn't answer, doesn't look at me, and that speaks volumes. 

Is he better out there without me? Can I do this without him?

"I'm, uh...I'm gonna check out the ship and the crew. Omega, right?" I head toward the bridge before waiting for an answer. I don't need to hear more about Garrus being missing or whether or not he's out there somewhere. 

It's one thing to believe that he moved on. It hurts to think that he found someone and settled down. Rational, sure, but it feels like a kick in the balls. But if that were the case, Garrus would be on the radar. To be missing...

I'm alone, no matter what this ship looks like. I'll be alone until my best friend is back. And if Garrus is missing...is he alone, too?

I end up walking toward the Armory, which is at the far end of the CIC, on one side of a room labeled as a Comm Room. It looks like a glorified conference space. The room on the other side is a Tech Lab, but that's dark and empty for now. The Armory, however, is well lit and ultra-high-tech and full of weapons. I like it instantly. 

Jacob is standing at one of the consoles, typing away at something until he sees me. And then he snaps into a salute. I hate being saluted. "Commander," he greets me. "There hasn't been time to really settle in and take stock. I want to say that working with you is a great opportunity to do something that matters. It's a privilege to serve on the Normandy, Commander." 

"You may change your tune if we end up like the original Normandy," I mutter. I should probably have a better attitude, but that's getting difficult. 

"Maybe," he allows. "As long as the Illusive Man walks his talk and you do the same, I'll do my best to make sure we succeed. That's been the condition for my service so far. I have issues with certain actions Cerberus has taken in the past." He relaxes from the salute and leans on the desk behind him. 

"I know what my issues are, but what has Cerberus done to make you nervous?" It's probably going to help me figure out who to trust around here, based on whether or not they actually like Cerberus. If they sing the party line - like Miranda - I have to be wary; this is a terrorist organization, and I won't forget that. If they have brains of their own, it's a good sign for me. 

"A lot," Jacob answers. "They've been called terrorists and with good reason. Doubt you can find a more checkered past. But if the Collector threat is real and we do something about it, Cerberus will be remembered differently. Or we'll all be tried and executed. Can't count on people thinking about it as hard as I have." 

"Fair enough." I straighten from the table. "I think we'll work just fine together, Mr. Taylor." 

Jacob nods and smiles at that. "Likewise, Commander. Let me know if you need anything." 

I can feel his eyes on my ass as I walk out of the room. I'm going to have to choose the lesser of two evils here. He's objectifying me, but he doesn't trust Cerberus. He might stare at it, but I can probably trust Jacob to watch my back. 

"Welcome aboard, Commander!" a voice chirps at me the moment I walk out of the Armory and into the CIC. A slight redhead bounces over to me and holds out her hand when she gets close enough. A little too close, actually. "I'm Yeoman Kelly Chambers. I've been assigned as your administrative assistant. I'll manage your messages, and help you monitor the crew. And I must say, it's such an honor to work under you, Commander Shepard." 

This one is full of bubbles. 

"I'm...glad to have you on the team, Ms. Chambers." 

"Please, call me Kelly." 

I just nod at that. I've used the first name of lots of my teammates and crew; I like the way it keeps all of us on equal footing. I just haven't decided what footing I want to be on with Cerberus yet. 

"Do you have a moment to talk?" I ask her. 

"I always have time for you, Commander." 

I'm gonna get her an instructional manual on taking her nose out of my ass. 

"How do you feel about being assigned to the Normandy?" 

Kelly beams. "I was handpicked by the Illusive Man to help fight the greatest threat known to humanity. How do I feel? Honored, exhilarated, terrified. But mostly, I feel encouraged. Under your leadership, we can't fail." 

"You do realize I was dead until...earlier today. Right?"

"Commander, anyone who would call that failure just isn't paying attention," she replies. "And that includes the Alliance, as far as I'm concerned." 

Well, this one knows how to flatter. That much is for sure. How does someone this innocent though truly believe in Cerberus, though? She has to have some doubts, right?

"This organization has a dark reputation. Do you have any concerns, working for them?" It occurs to me that the CIC likely has recording devices. I wonder if the Illusive Man is listening to me right now, if he knows that I'm questioning his people and whether they're sheep or with me. I hope he hates it. 

"Not at all," Kelly responds, entirely earnest. "Our methods can be harsh, but Cerberus has noble objectives. We look out for human interests, advance human technologies, save human lives. They're good goals." 

"All I hear is human, though," I note. "It sounds like Cerberus wants to dominate all aliens and put humankind on top." 

"Cerberus looks out for humanity, but that doesn't mean we hate aliens. My sister started a dog shelter, but she loves cats, too. I love humanity. I also love Turian, Asari, Quarian, Salarian, Hanar...that isn't in conflict with Cerberus ideals." I can tell that Kelly believes every word she's saying, and it says a lot. 

"Yeah, well, I've been on the other end of what Cerberus does," I tell her, crossing my arms. "If you believe Cerberus is noble, you just haven't seen enough."   
Kelly's face falls. "I'm...sorry you feel that way. Hopefully, time will change your mind." 

"If you know me as well you think you do, Ms. Chambers, you know I rarely change my mind." I finish that sentence calling over my shoulder on my way into the elevator. Kelly calls out some kind of goodbye that I don't hear while the doors shut. 

And then I'm kind of lost. I just stare at the control panel for the floors, wondering where I'm supposed to go next. Four floors now; the Normandy really has changed. "Commander Shepard? I can provide you with an overview of the various floors on the Normandy as well as a list of crew members on each floor." 

"I wanted to explore on my own," I mutter into the open air - which, around here, means that I mutter it to EDI. I huff out a breath; might as well get used to this. "Fine. What are each of the other floors?"

"The lowest deck, deck four, is the engineering deck. Deck three contains the crew quarters, bathrooms, Mess Hall, Med Bay, and the XO's office." 

"Oh, I have an XO, do I?"

"Miranda Lawson was assigned as your XO by the Illusive Man. She is in her office." 

"Her office," I repeat, rolling my eyes. I'd consider changing the roster around here, but who the hell else would I put in that position? Who else would I force to do all the related paperwork? "And what's on the top floor, EDI?"

"That floor is your personal quarters." 

I frown and ask, "The whole floor? Yikes. These people definitely did not know me." Who would put an orphaned colony kid up in quarters that occupy an entire floor? I've lived my whole adult life in a cage or in military bunkers. "I'll deal with that later. Thanks for your help, EDI." 

I command the elevator to take me to the third deck, where I can find Miranda. We need to have a chat, especially if she's going to be my XO. 

The door to Miranda's office, which sits on one side of Mess Hall with Med Bay flanking the other side, is unlocked. She's sitting behind the desk, hard at work on something on her terminal, but she looks up immediately when I walk in. She almost even smiles. "Commander. What can I do for you?"

"Do you have a minute, Miranda?"

Now she smiles more completely and motions to a chair which I don't take. "No doubt you've got a lot of questions. Cerberus isn't as evil as most people believe. If I can help allay your concerns, I'd be happy to do so. So, what would you like to know?"

"What can you tell me about the Illusive Man?" It's a challenge to see if she's as much of an open book as she claims to be, and she knows it. 

"Not much that you don't already know. Even I don't have access to most of his background, and you've seen more of him than most ever do. It's rare for him to become directly involved in missions, but you're something special." That jealousy I can't understand is back in her voice. "Whatever else people might say about him, I can assure you he's got humanity's best interests at heart. That includes you and me." 

"Hmm, and how does it include the rest of the galaxy?" I put up a hand before she can answer that and instead ask, "How can you be sure of that if you know so little about him?"

"I didn't get to where I am without knowing how to gauge people's motives and ambitions. Even from brief encounters." She pauses for a moment, sending a challenge right back at me. 

"Well, let's see if he can prove it," I respond, easily keeping my cool. "I know what we're doing here, but what's Cerberus' long-term goals?"

Miranda shrugs. "The advancement of the human race. Nothing more, nothing less. The Salarians have the Special Tasks Group, the Asari have their legendary commandos - " 

"The Council has their Spectres?"

Another almost smile. "Yes. And Cerberus is humanity's answer to those organizations." 

"Fine, but those organizations are regulated by governments. Why keep Cerberus in check." 

"Nobody," she answers with a shrug as if it's not awful. "We're privately funded, and our backers trust the Illusive Man to make the right decisions. But he's very clear about our goals: protect humanity and serve its advancement."

Miranda isn't going to cave on this. Either she's an incredible advocate for Cerberus, or she's the most brainwashed person on this ship. Pathetic either way. And I'm stuck working with her. 

I lean on the back of the chair in front of me instead of sitting. "Tell me about yourself, Miranda." 

"I guess that's fair," she responds, standing up. I can tell by the way she says it and moves that she was hoping for me to ask about her. "I've spent the last two years learning everything there is to know about you, after all." 

"Whether or not you know me is yet to be determined, so let's not go there right now." 

Miranda smirks. I want to smack her when she smirks. "Well, you should probably know that I've had extensive genetic modification. Not my decision, but I make the most of it. It's one of the reasons the Illusive Man handpicked me. I'm very good at just about anything I choose to do." 

I nearly strain a muscle in the effort not to roll my eyes at her.

"What level of genetic modification are we talking about?" I ask instead. 

"It's very thorough. Physically, I'm superior in many ways. I heal quickly, and I'll likely live half again as long as the average human. My biotics are also very advanced...for a human. Add to that some of the best training and education money can buy and, well, it's pretty impressive, really." 

She's staring at me by the time she finishes. Obviously, she wants me to be impressed. I don't know if this is the jealousy thing again with her if she's just a super cocky asshole. 

"You certainly don't lack for confidence," I drawl, trying to keep myself from telling her off. 

"It's just a fact," she replies. "My reflexes, my strengths, even my looks." She motions to herself and says, "They're all designed to give me an edge. No point in hiding from it." It takes effort not to cover myself up, now that she's mentioned her body. "It's the reason I'm trusted to oversee the most dangerous, risky, and technically demanding operations Cerberus undertakes. And it's why I was assigned to you." She steps back toward the desk and meets my gaze. "It's my job to make sure you succeed, Shepard." 

This time, I can't help but laugh. And I don't really try. "Miranda, the only people who will be responsible for my success are me and my squad. Whether or not that will include you remains to be seen. Thanks for the information." 

I turn on my heel and walk out of the room, leaving Miranda's genetically perfect mouth gaping behind me. That feels pretty good. What sounds like an argument in Mess Hall feels less good, though. 

"Chef's surprise again? Come on, Rupert," one of the crewmen grumbles on his way back to the table. He hasn't spotted me yet, and I'm fine with that. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, princess," the man behind the counter in the kitchen area responds playfully. So, many not an argument. "Filet mignon and caviar, coming right up. Let me just get out my doilies." 

The crewman grumbles. "That'd be real nice, Gardner." 

Since he's sitting down, I head up to the counter, and the man smirks at me. "Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Citadel!" he greets me, saluting. "You did humanity proud that day. Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner here. How can I be of service?"

"First, you can quit saluting me," I respond, giving him a smile to put him at ease. "Spread the word on that one for me, would you?"

He chuckles. "You got it, Commander." 

"Thanks. Do you have everything you need?" I motion toward the crew members eating at the table with my head, and he rolls his eyes. 

"I make do, but have you ever tried to prepare a decent meal with military provisions? I'm good, but I'm no miracle worker. Taking down the Collectors is going to be rough business; the crew deserves a few fine meals while throwing themselves into the fire." 

"I couldn't agree more." Finally, something Cerberus and I can agree on - a Mess Sergeant instead of rations and a microwave is a necessary upgrade for any warship. "What do you need?"

He shrugs. "If I had some quality ingredients...ah, shit, you've got more to worry about than grocery shopping on the Citadel. Forget I mentioned it." 

A flash of silver hair in a reflection on the cabinets behind Gardner catches my attention. When I turn, my heart skips. Looks like Cerberus did one other thing right. I turn back to Gardner and tell him, "Send me the list. If I head that way, I'll get what you need." 

"Much appreciated, Commander." 

"Just Shepard, please. And you can thank me by making sure peanut butter is on that list." He laughs but promises, and I give him a nod before walking away and heading toward Med Bay on the other side of Mess Hall. 

My favorite food comes with memories that, right now, feel cold. I keep my eyes on the Med Bay, the person sitting at the desk inside a beacon at the moment. The smile on Dr. Chakwas' face when she spins around and spots me eases just a little of that cold. 

"Commander Shepard." She stands and approaches me with her arms out, and I don't resist, letting her pull me into a hug. It's the first hug since I came back from the dead, and I didn't realize how much I needed it. "I watched the Normandy crumble with you on board," she breathes, rubbing my back slowly. "It's good to see you alive." 

"Nice to see a familiar face, Doc," I tell her when we part. 

"I feel the same," she replies, holding my shoulders to look me over. "I wish more of the original crew could be here, though." I don't have a chance to get sad about that before she takes my face in hand, gently, and turns my chin either way to take a look at me. Her soft murmur isn't totally comforting. "The kind of trauma you endured would've changed most people, but if you've already jumped back into the fire, it didn't change you." She beams at me. "Welcome back, Shepard." 

I resist the urge to pull her back when she steps away. I don't need to be coddled, no matter how lonely I am. 

"You're not the Cerberus type, Doc," I note, looking around. It's a much more high-tech Med Bay than the last one, that's for sure. 

She sits back down and looks up at me. "I don't work for Cerberus, Shepard. I work for you on a mission that may be crucial to galactic survival. I have faith that your dealings with Cerberus will be ethical. I trust you, Commander." 

"I appreciate that, but there is a very good chance that this will be a one-way trip." I grimace a little and add, "The second trip like that I've taken you on. Are you prepared for that?"

"I've been through the Reclaiming of Shanxi and the Skyllian Blitz. We survived the Battle of the Citadel and the destruction of the Normandy together." I choose not to remind her that I did not survive. "I've lived a full life, no regrets. I'd like to make sure the crew gets the same opportunity."

I shake my head and admit, "You have always impressed me, Dr. Chakwas." 

"Likewise, Commander." I nod to her and head for the door, but stop when she calls, "Shepard?" She's playing with her own fingers now, almost nervously. "Have you..."

I know immediately who she's asking about. He never realized how endearing he was. 

"I haven't heard anything since...waking up. Joker told me that he just kinda disappeared." It's hard to say; he has to be out there somewhere.

Chakwas smiles up at me. "He'll find you," she assures me. "Garrus would never force you to do this without him. In fact, he'd be pissed if you tried." 

"You are probably right," I laugh, appreciating that. I can try to hope, at least. "We'll talk again later, Doc." 

"Commander." She nods, and this time she lets me leave, so I head through the doors and then back for the elevator. This time, I want to get down to engineering. 

I'm impressed the moment the doors open. This isn't the little closet behind the Cargo Bay from the first Normandy. Instead, the elevator doors open into a hallway with doors at either end - Starboard and Port Bays. Both are locked. Something called a Life Support Room is locked as well. Behind the elevator is the central area of engineering, both sets of doors leading me in. 

The core hums gently, echoing off the walls, but it's quiet in here, considering there are only two people. Two people who look shocked the moment they see me. "You came all the way down here to visit us?" the man of the two asks in a thick accent. I don't recognize it, but I love it. 

The woman next to him punches his arm. "You're speaking to our commanding officer!" She snaps into a salute that I quickly wave off. 

"I'm just touring the ship," I assure him. "I want to get to know my crew." 

"I'm Engineer Ken Donnelly, handling power control systems," he tells me, puffing up proudly. "This is Gabby." 

"That's Engineer Gabriella Daniels, actually. I'm responsible for the propulsion systems," his smaller, dark-haired counterpart chimes in. I like her. 

"What can we do for you, Commander?" Ken asks. 

I lean against one of the railings and start where I have been all day: "What do you think about Cerberus?" 

"Actually, we don't know much about the organization," Gabby says with a shrug. "We know our mission and who's in charge." 

"We're off to kick the Collectors right in their daddy bags," Ken chimes in, punching the air gleefully. "That's enough for me." 

OK, I like both of them. "How did you wind up with Cerberus then?"

"Ah, the moment you were gone, the Alliance brass descended like vultures, tearing apart everything you'd said. I was very public with my defense for you." Ken looks proud of himself now too, and I appreciate it. "I didn't hold back." 

Gabby laughs. "That's an understatement. If Kenneth wasn't such a talented engineer, they'd have court-martialed him for insubordination." 

"But it got me noticed by the Illusive Man," he continues. "He made an offer, and here I am. And since Gabby has been my partner in crime since we graduated from tech academy, there was no way I was coming without her." 

"Besides, we love engines, and the Normandy is state-of-the-art," Gabby chimes in. "When we got the opportunity to work on her, we had to jump on it." 

I nod and tell them, "I think I'm glad you did. Are you set-up okay down here?"

They both assure me repeatedly and that they’re thrilled to work here and then shout thank yous behind me while I walk away. "Can you believe that?" I hear Gabby chirp behind me. She's just as chipper as Kelly but a lot more down to earth. 

"I still can't believe she came down here to talk to us at all," Ken replies. 

I hear her smack him and then say, "I told you she would." Yep, I definitely like the two of them. 

After deciding that the bottom level of engineering is empty and useless to me, I head back for the elevator. This time, I take it all the way up to the fourth floor. My quarters. I can't fully explain the trepidation in my gut about going up there. I know part of it has to do with the opulence I can imagine is awaiting me if the rest of the Normandy is any sign. 

But the rest of it...that's the loneliness. I'm going to my quarters alone. I'm going to be alone in my quarters for the foreseeable future. I chased away the last person I wanted to share a space like this with, and now he's...gone? Missing? Disappeared? 

Where the hell would Garrus go? What could make him give up the fight against the Reapers when he knew I couldn't keep it going, when he knew how important that fight is? None of the answers feel good. 

Walking into my new quarters knowing that he may never be here doesn't feel good either, but I don't have much of a choice. I'm going to need a place to sleep. 

The elevator doors open and release me into a small hallway. The only place to go is three feet to the doors into my quarters, which has a lock available. I guess that makes this hallway the foyer. Ridiculous. Fortunately, the doors are unlocked for now. Less fortunately, I am never going to be able to sleep here. 

The doors to my quarters open into a small hallway as well. It seems innocuous at first, an office on my right and a few glass shelves - empty for now - on my left. And then the remainder of the wall, at least twenty feet long and probably five feet down from the ceiling is a fish tank. An actual fish tank. 

"Who the hell needs a fish tank in space?" I ask the room. 

"Water features and aquatic life are known to reduce stress," EDI answers, making me jump. Silly me, believing I was alone. "The lighting from the tank is designed to be relaxing as well, though you do have controls to shut it off." 

"Thanks, EDI. I, uh...I'd like some privacy." 

"Of course, Commander. I am here if you need me." 

I roll my eyes and choose not to point out the problem. If she's here, I'm not getting any privacy. It's probably not worth arguing, though, since the Illusive Man is also here thanks to those monitoring devices she told me about. 

I turn my back on the fish tank and turn into the office. The desk is rounded and takes up both walls. I have more shelves available as well as a lot of desk space and my own terminal. Maybe Cerberus figured out that I like to collect model ships. Creeps. The door to the bathroom is behind the desk, and the shower might convince me to like this room. Multiple jets isn't anything to complain about. 

I move to leave, but the large mirror over the sink catches my eye. Or maybe more appropriately, the image in the mirror is what stands out. I barely recognize that person. The Shepard staring back at me has a number of nasty look scars that are...glowing? Ugh, cybernetics. My hair is super long; at least it's still red. I wonder if the rest of me has these scars, too. I don't want to find out right now. 

I leave the bathroom and then the office, taking the three short stairs down into the living area. It's more than cozy with a huge sectional, an overstuffed recliner, and a bed that is more than large enough for one person. There's another desk space down here, two bedside tables, and a coffee table. A family could live here, for fuck's sake. 

The closet catches my attention next, the armor closet standing out. First, I'm shocked to find it full. And full of clothes that I recognize. My clothes. They must have replaced just about everything. Including my underwear, I discover when I open the top drawer in the closet. That's...creepy. 

A replica of my armor is available, but the customization options make me willing to scrap it. I can upgrade, replace...paint. Paint? I wonder if the Illusive Man and Miranda will have the sense to know it's an insult when I stop wearing armor that matches the Cerberus color patterns. 

The question is, what color patterns do I want? The red and black of the Alliance N7 doesn't really feel good considering everything I've heard. They left it to a terrorist group to find my body, and they let the Council scrap everything I died fighting for. Pink appeals, but once I see the sample, that much pink does not.   
I scroll through the color options and find my eye drawn to a cobalt blue. A very familiar shade of blue. I'm playing with it before I realize, and then the sample on the screen is...perfect. Black and blue, not silver, but it gets the point across. At least to me. The armor changes almost instantly, and I feel a little closer to him the moment I have it in my hands. 

It's still cold metal, though. It's not enough. Especially not while I'm in these Cerberus civilian clothes. I change into my own clothes, sweats, and an N7 zip-up. It's still my favorite sweatshirt, even if the Alliance has decided they don't want me anymore. 

"Commander Shepard?" EDI says, coming over the comms. "Yeoman Chambers wants you to know that you have unread emails at your private terminal." 

"No rest for the recently dead, huh?" I respond. "You don't have to answer that, EDI. I'll check my emails. Thanks." 

It gives me an excuse not to lay in the massive bed and wallow in my loneliness further, so I head back up into the office area and sit in my chair. OK, Joker had a point about the real leather. This is kind of nice. It's almost a shame that I don't do much paperwork and won't have a lot of need to sit here. Almost. Comfy chair or no, I hate paperwork. 

I open my emails, and my eye is immediately drawn to a message from Captain Anderson. There's one from Admiral Hackett, too. How do they know I'm alive already? How long have they known? Why are they reaching out by email? I would have thought Captain Anderson, the man who is like a father figure to me, would call. Or come get me. 

I click on that email, feeling a lot more trepidation than I'd like to. The fact that there's no personalized greeting or subject line doesn't help. I have to remind myself again that it's been two years. Everything has changed for everyone but me. 

Anderson wants me to visit him on the Citadel. It sounds like he wants me to...explain myself? It's only fair you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing. I assume that they've been hearing - although I don't know where from or for how long - about me working with Cerberus. I wonder if Anderson will be willing to explain, allowing the Alliance and the Council to discredit me. 

I wonder if he missed me. 

I realize that's probably unfair. The man saved my life and has stood up for me on more than one occasion. He gave me chances I don't know I deserved. But I'm on a Cerberus ship alone, so I can be unfair tonight if I want to, and I close the email with a little more vigor than is totally necessary. 

My next click is for the email from Admiral Hackett. I'm not necessarily surprised that he's all business; I would expect nothing less, really. I am pretty surprised by the content, though. Surprised and...nauseated. They found the crash site of the original Normandy, and they want to put a monument on the site. It's an incredible honor for all of us, the members of the crew that survived, and those that didn't. 

He wants me to place the monument. It won't be walking where I died; I was blown out of the Normandy. I'm not sure I want to know where I ended up or how far from my ship. But he wants me to walk where my ship went down and to place the monument, to find signs of the twenty crewmen who were unaccounted for. Again, an incredible honor. One my team deserves. But it's not something I can think about right now. Not alone. 

The next couple of emails are from the Illusive Man and Cerberus. They want me to test out a new weapon that actually sounds pretty badass. An arc projector. If this were the Alliance, the thing would need years more testing in R&D before I could touch it. Maybe there are some advantages to being employed by civilians.   
Cerberus also wants me to check out a survey ship that has gone missing. A side mission. Of course. So the civilians that now employ me are actually a little like the military that used to, and they still plan to find busy work for me. Great. 

At thoughts of employment, I send a quick message off to Miranda because I don't know who else to ask. I want to know what happened to my accounts, my salary, my benefits, my pension. I had a will that left my material belongings to Garrus - and I have no way of knowing if he got the few things I owned - but what about the rest of it? Where are the credits? 

I should probably care more. Really, it just feels like something I have to do. Especially if the Alliance does know that I'm alive again. 

I also need to figure out my Spectre status, and I shoot a message off to the Council offices to figure that out. If the Alliance knows I'm alive, chances are the Council knows. But Cerberus is not an official organization in Council space; I don't know if I even can work with both. I have to ask, though; Spectre status is too valuable to pass up, especially on a mission like this. And it was too big an honor to just let it go. 

The final message is from the Illusive Man, and it contains the dossiers of the people he'd like me to recruit. Just the thought exhausts me. I don't want new people, and I don't want to be alone, and...I want bed. 

I open the dossiers on a datapad instead and head for my new bed. Far bigger than I need and a lot softer than I'm used to - maybe because I've been on a slab for two years - but I crawl under the blankets and get comfortable on my side. With the lights off, the blue glow from the fish tank is kind of nice. I'm not going to admit that to anyone here. 

The Illusive Man certainly wants me to put together a unique group. The list starts with a convict named Jack, who I'm supposed to bail out of a Turian prison ship. I didn't even know Turian prison ships were a thing. Next is a Krogan warlord who is working with a mercenary gang, but Cerberus doesn't know on what. I guess gang affiliation is normal around here, but an alien gang surprises me. 

Mordin Solus, the Salarian professor, is a name I expected to see. We need him to help with the Collector's paralyzing swarms if we're going to get after them. Zaeed Massani, a fairly famous bounty hunter and merc, is not a name I expected. The guy is known for being almost sadistic. I have no inclination to know him, nonetheless work with him. I might feel the same about the convict and the warlord. 

I'm considering just scrapping the whole list, but there's only one name left on the dossiers, so I open the file. Archangel. Judging by the kill list included, this sniper is damn effective. And considering he's gone Batman is after the bad guys on Omega, of which there are plenty, I kind of like the idea. Technical expertise...strategic brilliance...Omni-Tool expert...noted sniper. 

One hell of a shot with a strong sense of justice. That is eerily familiar. The more times I read over the description, the more intense that sense of familiarity becomes. I know this Archangel. My gut is screaming at me that this mercenary commander is exactly the one person in this galaxy I need and want on my team.   
I flop onto my back, feeling a little hope for the first time since getting on this ship. If Archangel is who my heart and instincts are telling me he is, I could find someone I trust on Omega. I could find the person who belongs on my six. 

When I open my eyes, all the air is sucked right back out of my lungs. The entire ship feels like it rocks around me, and for a moment, I'm thrown back two years ago. I can't breathe, the void of space suffocating me. And it's the void of space staring at me now, through a window over my bed. 

I can't. I can't lay here. 

I grab the comforter and a pillow, leaving the bed behind and heading for the couch instead. I don't bother to change, only throwing myself down and covering my head with the blanket. I need to get to Omega; I can't be here alone any longer than I have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reunion is cominggggggg! 
> 
> Comments and kudos feed the author's soul...which the author then dedicates to making this thing smutty as hell as it goes on.


	5. Archangel

I wake up every day a little stiff and sore - kind of like I've been unable to move for two years and had multiple surgeries - but today, I finally have a little pep in my step. I have a mission that I'm actually excited about, and Joker will get us to Omega in the next couple of hours after almost two weeks of travel. 

Archangel is my task today, and I know deep in my gut that Archangel is exactly what I need. 

I dreamt vividly overnight of Garrus. It was so real, I swear I can smell him this morning. Sun-warmed metal and fresh-cut grass and something unique. Something Garrus. Between those dreams, though, were the nightmares that have plagued me every night. The ones that Garrus wasn't here to help me fight off. The ones made worse by knowing I'm on a ship. That space is just outside these walls, ready to take me away again. I wake up smelling Garrus and with a burn in my throat like I was suffocating. 

I can't imagine sleep being easy ever again. I only manage a couple hours each night between waking up in fits or tossing and turning, and even that is mostly bad. The dreams of Garrus are my only reprieve, and I know those came because I'm close. I could get back to him today. Archangel is my goal. 

Hot water is going to be a benefit to working for Cerberus. All of the benefits so far are materials, but it's something. Of course, the empty fish tank staring at me and that damn skylight over the bed reminds me that not all of the materials Cerberus has to offer are beneficial. But at least a fancy shower awaits, and I get into it as quickly as possible. 

The heat eases some of the stiffness and soreness in my joints. The skin on my face still feels too tight, uncomfortable...like it doesn't fit. I know that's from the scars, and I remember Miranda saying she had to wake me before they healed completely. I wonder if there's anything Dr. Chakwas can give me or do to help them heal. I'd like to look less like a robot with the exposed parts of my face glowing. 

I try to avoid the mirror, but with my hair this long, it's not a good option to put it up without a mirror. I almost scoff at the makeup provided in the cabinet behind the mirror; who the hell thought I'd want makeup? Aren't these people supposed to have known me, brought me back the same way I was? But then I look at myself again and...well, makeup maybe isn't the worst idea. 

And if I'm going to see Garrus again for the first time in two years, for the first time since abandoning him...would Garrus even appreciate it? Do Turians wear makeup?

Screw it. The scars on my face are glowing. A little eyeliner and pretty lipgloss never hurt anyone. 

Dressing in my new armor, now in colors that feel familiar and comforting, is a boost to my mood. I like the look, too. I look like a scarred as hell soldier, but it's not bad. The blue doesn't clash with my eyes, and my hair looks kind of okay in the ponytail required by length. And why am I thinking so much about how I look?  
Right, because I'm fairly certain I'm going to see the guy I fell in love with today. Shit. 

Most of the crew is in Mess Hall getting their breakfast when I get down there. Oddly, though, they're not eating together. This crew never takes their meals together. It doesn't look like most of them plan to stay in this room at all, really. And I can't help but wonder if Miranda sitting at the table is part of the reason for that today. 

I also can't help but wonder if it's partially my fault. I don't eat with them or encourage them to eat with each other. We dined together on the last Normandy because we were friends and family. This...this is not the same. 

I want to trust them. I need to trust them for our mission to be successful, and failure is not an option. But I'm not there yet. 

"Commander! How are you this morning?" Rupert is the only person I've ever known who is simultaneously a grouch and super friendly. Joker comes close, but mostly he's a grouch. 

"I thought we'd agreed to drop the title and just call me Shepard. Or am I mistaken, Mess Sergeant?" I throw in a wink that gets him to crack a smile. 

"You got it, Shepard." He holds out my usual breakfast, a protein bar and a mug of coffee, but pulls it back before I can accept. "You sure I can't make you something a little more substantial? We aren't supposed to survive on these, you know." 

I can feel Miranda's eyes on me and fight to keep the smile on my face. I don't want to chastise Rupert, but I don't need Miranda to know anything else about me. 

"I'm still working on building up my appetite, Rupert, but thanks for the offer." I take my breakfast and step away. "I promise you'll be the first to know when I'm hungry." With that, I make a break for Med Bay, hoping to escape Miranda. 

"Shepard!" No such luck. 

I turn slowly, but don't step forward and make no move to sit with her. "Good morning, Miranda. What's up?" 

"What's up is that we haven't discussed the plan for today." 

It takes actual physical restraint not to cringe at her accent. Was that part of the genetic modification? Who the hell thought that was a good idea?

"I believe we have, Miranda. The plan is to get Archangel and then the professor. What you want to discuss is your disagreement with that plan." Jacob comes from the elevator bay just then, and I have to wonder if she called him for backup. I nod to him in an effort to be polite anyway. 

"You'll wish you stayed upstairs in a minute," I hear Rupert grumble to him at the counter in the kitchen. 

"The professor is vastly more important to our overall mission," Miranda says for what must be the tenth time since I told them our first operative on Omega would be to retrieve Archangel. "If he has the ability to create a cure or protection from the Collector's seeker swarms, we cannot ignore that." 

"I am not ignoring that, and I haven't said it's not a priority," I remind her. "I have every intention of getting Mordin Solus to join our mission while we're on Omega. But it will wait until after I have met and recruited Archangel." 

Jacob clears his throat softly. "Shepard, I uh...it seems like more is going on here. Like finding Archangel is...personal?" 

Miranda gives him a look and then frowns before looking back at me. I feel like a deer in headlights for a second. I don't want them to know anything about my personal life. I also don't want them complaining about my priorities on Omega. And I definitely don't want to hear Miranda bitch all day. 

"I have reason to believe that Archangel is a member of my former crew," I tell them. "My crew from the original Normandy." 

"No one knows who Archangel is," Miranda counters dismissively. "If Cerberus couldn't find out, then - " 

"I know it's him," I snap. "I would know Garrus anywhere in the universe." 

"Alright, alright," Jacob says, putting his hands up and trying to placate both of us now. "Maybe you're right, Shepard, and this Archangel is your old teammate. Does that mean it takes precedence over a professor who could help us take down the Collectors?"

I roll my eyes. "If you knew Garrus, you wouldn't doubt that he was going to help us take down the Collectors. And..." They both stare at me and wait. I've come this far. "I could really use a friend on my squad. Someone who knew me before." 

"Shepard, I know - " 

"Stop," I interject, cutting Miranda off sharply. "Please don't tell me that you know this is tough or that you know me. Neither of those is true, and they're not helpful. You both signed on knowing who was in charge. I am going to Omega, and I'm getting Archangel. You can be on board with that, or you can stay on the ship. If you're coming, I'll see you at the airlock in a few hours." 

And then I walk away because neither of them has anything to say that I want to hear on the matter. Jacob has good intentions, and Miranda has a lot of expertise, but neither of them is Garrus. I need Garrus, and they couldn't possibly get that. 

Dr. Chakwas smiles when I walk in, and that eases some of my tension immediately even if I am not a fan of these daily check-ups. She calls them check-ins, but we both know the truth. I died and came back; Chakwas needs to make sure I'm not going to freak out or implode. 

"Good morning, Shepard. I see you're still enjoying the breakfast of champions." 

"It's still eating, Doc. Can I get a little credit for that?" I offer her a grin and take a big bite of the protein bar. Lucky for me, Cerberus spends way too much money getting extra fancy protein bars; usually, these things taste like cardboard. 

"Yes, you can. Sit." She points to one of the beds, and I hop onto the edge of it, balancing my travel mug to avoid spilling any of the precious nectar inside. Rupert's coffee could strip paint off a starship, and I love it. "How did you sleep last night?" 

"With my eyes closed." Dr. Chakwas tries not to smile at that, but I can see the glimmer in her eyes. She still manages to hold my gaze until I cave. "I got a couple hours. It's something." 

"It's not enough. You have to sleep, Shepard. Human bodies cannot heal and recover without sleep." 

I scoff. "But I'm part human and part robot. Surely that gets me out of sleep requirements." 

"No, it does not. And you're not part robot." She narrows her eyes at me. "I'm a doctor; I know a human when I see one." 

"Yeah, well." Chakwas doesn't know that all of my old scars are missing, but I'm covered in new ones. Some a little more healed - pink and soft - and others glowing orange. All over my body. I'm bits and pieces put back together. 

"How about your pain? Still sore today?"

"A bit," I answer honestly. "It's getting a little better every day, though. I'm hoping a good workout in the field today will help." 

Chakwas makes a noise and then mutters, "Sleep and real food would help, but yes, go out and get shot at." She smiles when I laugh at that. 

It makes me a little guilty when I feel alone here while Dr. Chakwas and Joker are here. They're friends. They care about me; Joker has been actually nice to me, and I know for certain that eats at his grumpy little soul. And yet its loneliness that is keeping me awake - and the nightmares that wake me up when I finally fall asleep. 

"I think Archangel is Garrus," I blurt out, startling Chakwas while she examines my eyes with a small light. She leans back a little and stares at me. I feel a need to explain to her instead of just telling her off like I did with Miranda. Besides, Chakwas could totally take me. "I don't have proof or any reason, honestly, but my gut tells me that it's him." 

"And you're going to Omega today to recruit Archangel, right?" she asks, raising her brow at me. 

I nod. "Yeah. Well...gonna try to. He'll have to decide if he wants to join the team." 

Saying it out loud makes that feel real. Garrus might decide that he doesn't want to join this mission. And who could blame him if he decided not to? Not only is this a mission funded by a human-first terrorist organization that could very well be hostile to him, but he'd have to serve with me again. 

I stomped all over his heart for my pride, for my career, and we both know it. It was the only thing I regretted when I died, and I'd like nothing more than a second chance with him. Or maybe it's at least a third chance. 

And even if Garrus does join the mission, join my team, giving me a chance is a whole different issue. I'm not sure I really care about that, though. I just need him here. I'll take what I can get. 

"Oh, Shepard." Chakwas smiles gently and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Garrus would follow you anywhere in the galaxy. It's why..." Her face falls a little. "That's why he was so lost when you died." 

"Garrus is not a follower." 

"No, he's not, but it's not about that. It's about you, Elle. Not as a leader but as...a north star." She sighs and turns away. "I hope it's him. It would be nice to know he's okay." 

I take a breath. "Even if it's not him, Garrus is okay wherever he is. It's Garrus." 

"That is an excellent point." She smiles at me once again, and I feel a little more at ease knowing someone else appreciates my priorities today. "You're free to go for now. Please promise me you'll try to eat dinner. A real dinner." 

"Two protein bars?" I quip, sliding from the table and heading for the door. "Anything for you, Doc." 

I keep eating my protein bar on the way to the cockpit so I can figure out how much longer I need to wait to get boots on Omega. I don't have to wait long at all to reach Joker, though, since he pops out of the elevator right as I get there. 

"You think it's Garrus?" he asks, nearly running into me. "This Archangel guy?"

"How did you..." I smirk at him. "You are still the ship spy. That's oddly reassuring." I motion for him to get back onto the elevator with me, and let him lead. "Yes, I think he's Garrus. It's just a gut feeling, though." 

Joker laughs. "The only gut I trust more than yours is Garrus'." 

"Hey! I should be trusted more than Garrus." 

"You were before..." He clears his throat and fidgets as much as someone who lives in constant pain and might break with any wrong movements ever really fidgets. 

"Joker? Before what?"

He clears his throat again. Joker is usually overly confident, so this makes me a little nervous. "I was hurt during the evac. Pretty bad. You know, someone threw me into an escape pod," he quips. 

"Someone is not sorry." 

"Yeah, well. I felt like shit when I got back to the Citadel without you. You weren't..." Another throat clearing, and he shakes his head. "It was rough. Garrus was a big help. Made sure I got to appointments, took care of me after surgery, bitched me out for missing meds. He even moved me into his apartment." He laughs, but there's no humor in it. "He, uh, left the apartment to me when he disappeared." 

My eyes well up with hot tears that I immediately blink away. I am going to try not crying in this new life. But Joker is breaking my heart. He looks intensely guilty and grateful all at once, and I get that. And Garrus...God. I could never deserve him. 

The elevator opens again, just as slow on this version of the Normandy as the last, and I walk out with him. "Just...it would be great if you found him, Shepard. I'd like to get the guy the hell off Omega, and where he belongs, you know?"

"I know, Joker. Believe me, I know." He nods and gives me a small smile. A smile is a rare thing from this guy. It comes with equal parts pressure and motivation to not only find Archangel but to find Garrus. Unfortunately, Archangel is the only lead I have. "How long until Omega?"

"Five minutes," he answers, lowering himself back into his pilot's seat. He looks me over and then smirks - this one his normal smirk, the one full of mischief. "I like the new armor design, Commander. I think Garrus will like it even more." 

"And if you like your legs in one piece, shut up." 

Footsteps on the bridge alert me that Miranda and Jacob have arrived. I try not to notice things like being able to distinguish people by the sound of their footsteps now. At least it gives me a second to school my face. I'm not ready for them to see the relaxed version of me that Joker gets.

Commander mask, on. 

"We're docking now, Commander," Joker tells me, reading the room correctly and already back at his controls. 

Through the windows, I can see that Omega isn't at all what I expected. Hollowed out asteroid yes but space station? This place is a dump. What the hell is Garrus doing in a place like this? It's concern that plagues me, though, no doubt. 

"Ready?" I asked my squadmates for the mission. Jacob is armored up, wearing his black Cerberus uniform. Miranda is in the same white outfit she was when we met. And it's exactly that - an outfit, not armor. 

"Ready, Commander," Jacob confirms, checking the heatsink on his assault rifle. 

Miranda has a look on her face like she just ate a sour grape, but she nods to confirm, too. Good. I expect no more arguments. 

Joker docks the ship, and I step out of the airlock and onto Omega for the first time. We're in the docking bays, but instead of a bustling port like on the Citadel or even the controlled operation of Noveria, it just looks like a seedy back alley. Complete with broken neon signs and flickering red lights. 

I march forward, determined not to let Jacob or Miranda see my concern. We don't get ten feet before a Salarian stumbles into our way. His hands are shaking, and his lips are so dry that they crack when he forces a smile. "Welcome to Omega!" he cheers in a raspy voice. "You're new here, aren't you? I can always tell. Allow me to - " 

He cuts off sharply when a Batarian appears at his side, silent and glowering. 

"Oh...hello, Moklan." Instantly the jonesing Salarian is timid, Afraid, even. If I didn't already have such a bad vibe from the Salarian, I'd probably intervene on his behalf. 

"Leave, Fargut," the Batarian, Moklan, orders him. 

Fargut nods, the movement jerky. "Of course, Moklan! Whatever she wants!

"Now!" Moklan snarls, taking a menacing step closer. Fargus turns and takes off running, nearly stumbling in his hurry to flee. "Blasted scavengers," Moklan mutters, turning to us. "Welcome to Omega...Shepard." 

I blink at that. "You know who I am?"

"Of course. We had you tagged the moment you entered the Terminus Systems. You're not as subtle as you think." I want to ask who 'we' is, but I let him continue. "Aria wants to know what brings a dead Spectre to Omega. I suggest you go to Afterlife now and present yourself." 

I choose not to point out that I have no idea whether or not I'm still a Spectre. Me and Moklan here are going to have other problems anyway. 

"Cut the attitude," I tell him, letting him see me roll my eyes. "I'm not here to cause problems for Omega." 

"Things explode around you, Shepard. You can't blame Aria for keeping an eye on you." 

OK, he has a point.

Moklan starts to walk away and calls back over his shoulder, "Afterlife. Now." 

I let him get some distance and then ask, "Anyone know what Afterlife is? I think I was probably there before someone ripped me back out." 

"That..." Miranda stops herself while Jacob coughs to cover up a laugh. "It's a club." 

"Great. Let's go find it." 

We push on toward the end of the docking bay, and EDI pops into my head over the comms. "I'm receiving quarantine warnings about the slums where Dr. Mordin Solus runs the clinic. Anticipate resistance at the transport station." 

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," I tell the AI, figuring that Miranda told EDI and likely the Illusive Man that we'd get the professor first. She'll be lucky if I don't leave her here at this rate. 

"I have also accessed messages between mercenary groups planning to deal with Archangel," EDI tells me. That gets me listening, and it gets my heart going a little faster. Deal with him? "There's a recruiting station at Afterlife that may have information on him." 

"Good. Thanks, EDI." 

There's a pause, and when EDI says, "You're welcome, Shepard," the voice is surprised. Is it weird to feel a little sad at the thought that the AI doesn't get thanked enough?

The docking bay was far from quiet or barren, but when we step through the doors into what seems to be a much more central area, the noise nearly knocks me back. The crowd is thick and rowdy, the worst of them in line for Afterlife, which looms large directly ahead of us. Music from the club is either new or very weird or both, and I hate it, especially when it's banging through speakers that play outside the club, too. 

I bypass the line because fuck that. No way am I waiting and paying a cover for a place like this. The Elcor standing guard takes one look at me and either knows something or thinks better of it because he doesn't say a word. Double doors welcome us into some kind of entrance tunnel that smells like cigarettes, cheap booze, and sex. It makes me want to turn tail and get the hell out. 

There are a few couches and chairs huddled around tables at odd intervals through the tunnel like they've been moved. Obviously, the dealings at these tables are less than appropriate. I catch sight of a Batarian who is definitely up to no good, judging by the way he leaps up from the table when we make eye contact. 

He rounds the table and plants himself directly in my path. "What are you looking at?" he demands, all four eyes looking me up and down. 

"Don't you have something better to do than pick fights with people you don't know?"

"Just the ones who get in my face." Almost ironically, the Batarian takes a step forward to get right in my face. He's stopped when the barrel of my pistol meets his codpiece. I could take him and his crew with my fists, sure, but I don't have time to waste. 

EDI telling me that mercs want to deal with Archangel is still running through my head. 

"You really wanna do this?" I ask the playground bully standing in front of me. 

He's gone pale but glances at his crew and then narrows his eyes for show. "Fine. You're off the hook...for now." He steps out of my way and says, "See you around." 

I wave my pistol at him in goodbye before getting on with my life and putting it back in my belt. "Subtle, Shepard," Miranda scolds me softly. 

"You know, for someone who claims to have spent years getting to know me, you don't seem to know much." I look back over my shoulder at her. "No one has ever called me subtle, Miranda."

She doesn't respond. Smart choice. 

We pass through another set of double doors and into the main club. It's actually not as bad as I was expecting. The music is intense but not overpowering, and that smell from the hallway is gone. Sure, there's a lot of shit going on around me that isn't above board, but it's a club. For Omega's standards - or what I've seen of them so far - this doesn't seem so bad. 

A bartender points us toward the back of the club when I ask where to find Aria. There, I find sets of stairs that move behind either side of the dance floor and to what looks like a balcony. A well-armed Batarian stands guard at the bottom of the stairs we head for, but he says nothing. 

I round a corner at the top and take a few more steps up onto the platform. Aria, I assume, is an Asari, and she has one hell of a view. Her little perch is behind the neon signage with the club name, casting a purple glow over her leather couch. It's also a lot less noisy than the first level of the club. Kind of cozy, really.   
Before I can say a word, and before I get far, Aria calls, "That's close enough." 

Almost immediately, I'm staring down the barrel of a Carnifex, just like the one on my belt. A Turian stands behind it, his face and demeanor entirely calm. It's his lack of aggression that convinces me to stop more than the command or the gun. Unfortunately, I'm with Miranda, the Cerberus mouthpiece, who was probably taught to panic every time she sees an alien by her terrorist boss. 

Miranda and Jacob both draw their weapons behind me. I know because six Batarians and Turians pop out of the shadows to aim behind me as well. I can only roll my eyes. If they get shot, I'm still going after Archangel. 

After a beat, almost like she's waiting to see what will happen, Aria nods her head a little. The Turian with his gun in my face disarms first, and the others follow. I look back and signal Miranda and Jacob to do the same, letting them both see that I am less than pleased. Again, they should really know I can handle a gun in my face if they claim to know me. 

A Batarian steps in front of me next. Is this a thing on Omega, or what? He only has an Omni-Tool, though, and he brings up a scanner while ordering, "Stand still." 

"If you're looking for weapons and need that thing, you're not very good at it." I have two assault rifles and a shotgun on my back, plus the Carnifex on my hip. What is he looking for?

"Can't be too careful with dead Spectres," Aria says, still not facing us. "That could be anyone wearing your face." 

"I was told to come here. To talk to you." 

The Batarian announces, "They're clean," and steps away. Only then does Aria turn and face me. She's striking, sapphire skin and an all-white suit. She also gives off total badass vibes, and all the men around her - serving her - only add to that. Something tells me I'm going to like Aria. 

"You run Omega?" I ask, moving a little closer now but staying on this side of the low table that's centered in front of the sectional. The thing is massive; it could fit forty people, easy. 

Aria laughs at my question and turns away again, scanning the club below her like a predator looking over their domain. "I am Omega," she announces, and she is dead serious. She looks back at me and continues, "But you need something. Everyone does. And they all come to me." 

There's pride in her voice, but something clipped about her tone. Like her mind is elsewhere. She starts to pace in front of the couch. 

"I'm Omega's boss, CEO, queen if you're feeling dramatic. It doesn't matter. Omega has no titled ruler and only one rule." She sits down on the couch and reclines, hips out, and arms draped over the back. Hot. "Don't fuck with Aria." 

Even hotter. 

"I like it," I tell her honestly. "Easy to remember." 

"If you forget, someone will remind you," she assures me.

"And then I toss your sorry ass out the nearest airlock," the Turian who had his gun in my face informs me. I can't help it; I laugh at him. It surprises him, obviously, but Aria seems to enjoy it. Enough that she motions for me to take a seat on the sectional. 

I do, choosing to sit on one of the sections protruding from the center, so there is some distance between us. It's clear she's used to a lot of respect, and I can respect that. Besides, if she's as in control of Omega as she says, Aria may be able to help. 

"So." She exhales slowly and folds her hands in her lap, her legs crossed. The woman oozes sex appeal and control. "What can I do for you?"

And she's full of surprises. 

"That's it? One scan, and we're straight to business?" I have to laugh. "People are usually more concerned about who I am. Even before I died." 

"Your death was downplayed but hardly what I'd call a secret," she replies with a shrug. "I had to make sure it was really you. You could have been anyone, anything. Whatever you need will come out on its own. I'm curious, but Omega doesn't really care about you." 

Does it care about anyone? Deal with Archangel. 

I lean forward, planting my elbows on my knees. "I'm trying to track down Archangel." 

Instantly, Aria's demeanor changes. But it changes so slightly that I almost miss it. Just a tiny bit of tension in her shoulders, a tick her jaw, her left foot shifts. It's there, though. She reacted to the name. The question is why. 

"You and half of Omega," she replies with a forced scoff. "You want him dead, too?" She only looks at me when she asks that last question; she wants to read my reaction. 

I force myself not to have one. 

"Why's everyone after him?" I ask, instead of answering. She eyes me but pauses and then decides to answer after a moment. 

"He thinks he's fighting on the side of good. There is no good side to Omega." She shakes her head. "Everything he does pisses someone off. It's catching up to him." 

Everything, every single thing I learn about Archangel, convinces me further that he is the Turian who belongs at my side. Garrus' sense of justice was just as strong and precise as his rifle aim. And damn did he know how to piss people off. "Sounds like the kind of guy I'm looking for." 

"Really?" Aria blinks at me and then smirks. "Well...aren't you interesting?" She takes a breath. "You're gonna make some enemies teaming up with Archangel. That's assuming you can get to him. He's in a bit of trouble right now." 

I shift forward before I can stop myself, my throat growing dry immediately. If Garrus needs help, I need to be there for him. For once.   
"What kind of trouble?"

Aria narrows her eyes at me, studying again. When she makes a decision, I can see it pass over her face. She's figured out that I want to help Archangel, and she wants the same. The Queen of Omega wants to help Archangel. 

They know each other. The question is, how. And how well. 

And why the hell I think that's any of my business. 

"The local merc groups have joined forces to take him down," Aria tells me. "They've got him cornered, but it sounds like they're having trouble finishing him off. They've started hiring anybody with a gun to help them." 

She shifts uncomfortably on the couch, and my gut tightens. She cares for Archangel. I know the effect Garrus can have on people who get close to him. I just wasn't prepared for someone to get close to him; even when I considered it a possibility, I didn't really want it in my face. Aria glances up at the Turian guard, who gives her a much more gentle look than I thought he was capable of. He's comforting her. 

Aria recovers and shakes her head like shaking off the thoughts. "They're using a private room for recruiting, just over there." She motions over her shoulder. "I'm sure they'll sign you up." 

"What can you tell me about Archangel?" I'm asking for the op. I need more proof that he's Garrus before I get there and have my heart broken. The petty part of me is also asking for me, to know how much she knows. 

"He showed up here a while ago. Almost two years now. Started causing all sorts of problems right away. If you make your own laws, which everyone here does, he makes life difficult. He's reckless and idealistic." 

And she has a small smirk on her face like she admires the hell out of him. 

"Which merc groups are after him? How serious is this, Aria?"

She looks over and meets my eye. "Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack - all of Omega's major players. Unless they're at war with each other, you'll never see them together. But the one thing they had more than each other is Archangel. And it's serious. They've been at him for eight days, and they killed his entire crew before that." 

"Shit." I slam back into the couch and try to take that in without letting it wash over me. This is worse than I thought. It was bad enough when I thought Garrus was just on this shithole station for God only knows what reason, but eight days at war by himself against three gangs?

Are we going to find him alive?

I take a breath. I won't find out unless I get there. Garrus needs me, and it's time to return the favor for every time he's shown up for me. 

"I appreciate the help." 

Aria nods. "See if you feel that way when the mercs realize you're here to help him." 

That's almost enough to make me laugh. Miranda clearing her throat is more than enough to kill any humor. I know what she wants without looking. 

"While I'm here...do you know where I can find Mordin Solus?"

"The Salarian doctor? Last I heard he was trying to help plague victims in the quarantine zone." She smiles a little. "I always liked Mordin. He's as likely to heal you as he is to shoot you." 

"What can you tell me?"

"He used to be part of the Salarian Special Tasks Group." 

I whistle. "Badass." 

"Exactly," she replies with a smile. "He's brilliant and dangerous. Just don't get him talking. He never shuts up. If you really need to find him, take a shuttle to the quarantine zone. No guarantee they'll let you in, of course." 

I offer her a smile this time. "And there's no chance you could help with that?" 

Aria laughs and turns toward me, leaning forward a little. "I'll tell you what, Shepard. Archangel did me some favors, and I can't help him out right now. It doesn't feel good to be in debt. So you get him out of this, and I'll get you through the quarantine." 

I stand and nod. "You have a deal." I so badly want to ask what Archangel did for her, but I don't actually believe the line. I think she wants to help because she cares. I also think she'd rather shoot me than admit that, and I really like that about her. "Thanks again, Aria. I'll be in touch." 

"So long as you survive," she calls while I head away. I should probably consider that a threat, and especially since she's into Garrus, I should be annoyed by it. Defensive, at least. But damn it, I like her. 

I have to find Garrus. And that starts with the Batarian standing outside one of the private rooms offset from the center of the club. 

"I hear you're recruiting," I say, stepping up in front of someone else for once today. 

"Hmm." The merc looks me over and then jerks his head down the stairs that lead down to a door. "Why don't you step inside?"

I nod to him and jog down the stairs to do just that. The doors open when we reach them. "You'll get paid when the job's done, just like everyone else," a Batarian is saying to a human in cheap armor. If he's a merc, he's a bad one. "Who's next?"

"Me," I answer, stepping around the human. Miranda and Jacob follow me in. 

"Well...aren't you sweet?" the Batarian soldier wearing Blue Suns armor says slowly, leering at me. "You're in the wrong place, honey. Stripper's quarters are that way." I just cross my arms and stare at him, unwilling to take the bait. The stakes are too high. "Wow, not even a smile? So you're here to fight then." 

"Sure, if this is the place to go after Archangel." It's tempting to start by shooting this guy, but I need to get to Archangel to save him. Going to war with the mercs is not going to help me. 

"This is the place," he agrees. "Standard fee is five hundred each. You get paid when the job's done. If you die, your friends don't collect your share. You'll need your own weapons and armor...looks like you've got that covered. And no, this does not make you a member of the Blue Suns, Eclipse, or Blood Pack. You are a freelancer. Period. Any questions?"

I uncross my arms, hoping I look casual. "This Archangel guy must be real trouble if all the mercs are working together." 

"Haven't been on Omega long, huh?" he chuckles. "He does everything he can to screw with us. Shipments go missing, operations are compromised...every month it gets worse. Tarak and the other bosses, Jaroth and Garm, are tired of losing credits, and men." He shrugs. "I was surprised they teamed up, but getting rid of Archangel is worth it." 

Damn. Go Garrus. 

"This all seems like a lot of trouble for one guy," I note. "Shouldn't it be easier to take him out?"

"He had a whole team, but we dealt with them. Now he's just one guy." The Batarian grins at that, then it falters. "But he's got the advantage. It's his base of operations, and he knows we're coming. He's planned for an attack like this. We've lost a lot of men trying to get him already." 

That sounds like Garrus, too. I remember the Illusive Man's dossier. Tactical brilliance. That's a guy who would be prepared for an attack like this. 

"Where's the attack taking place?"

"Archangel's base of operations." He scoffs and adds, "He's been hiding right under our noses. Head over to the transport depot outside the club, and one of our guys will take you from there." He looks past us, evidently dismissing us, and shouts, "Send in the next one." 

I've heard all I need to hear anyway, and I'm eager to get to Archangel. Now more than ever. 

I head toward the doors, and they open before we get there, a teenager wearing a beanie and no armor walking in with a smile. "Hey, is this where I sign up?" he asks. 

Oh, no. I turn back. "You look a little young to be freelancing as a merc." 

"I'm old enough!" he protests, looking back and forth between me and the Blue Suns recruiter. "I grew up on Omega. I know how to use a gun." 

Jacob scoffs. "So does Archangel." 

"I can handle myself. Besides," he pulls a cheap pistol off his hip, "I just spent fifty credits on this pistol, and I wanna use it." 

"Get your money back." I disarm the kid in one move, practically just plucking the damn thing out of his hands. I then break the gun while he protests and without dropping his eye contact, then shove it back into his chest. "Trust me, kid. You'll thank me later." 

I spin on my heel and head out, ignoring the teenager's protests. No way does a kid like that belong in the war these mercs are fighting. And I don't want Garrus to have to live knowing he shot a teenager who wasn't properly armed or armored. 

I lead Miranda and Jacob out of Afterlife, the two of them speeding up to walk on either side of me. "You think we'll find him alive?" Jacob asks softly. I appreciate his tone even if I don't want to hear the question. It's not a challenge; he's concerned. 

"I have to hope," I answer. "I need Garrus by my side." 

"We just don't want you to be disappointed if it's not him, Shepard," he replies, obviously being careful. He doesn't want me to yell at him the way I did Miranda. Smart boy. 

I take a breath. "I'm not ready to think about that yet, Jacob. I need to believe it right now." I need a reason to go on when I should be dead. I look at him and add, "But I appreciate your concern." 

He smiles and nods, accepting that for now. None of us can accept Omega, though, and I don't even disagree with Miranda when she complains the entire way from the club to the transport. If I never have to come back to Omega, it'll be too soon. 

"I'm on the mission," I tell the Batarian in Blue Suns armor who is leaning on a transport vehicle. 

"I hope you're ready. Archangel's been annihilating you freelancers." 

"They should put you in marketing," I quip. "Ready when you are." 

He motions to the car, and we get inside, letting him drive us deeper into Omega and into the residential wards. He parks at the stairs leading into a district and lets us out without so much as a word or a bit of direction. Another Batarian walks over to greet us. 

"About time they sent me someone who looks like they can actually fight!" He puts his hands up triumphantly. "They tell you what we're up against?" 

"The recruiter was a little vague." 

He laughs. "We wouldn't get many hires if everyone knew the truth. Archangel is holed up in a building at the end of the boulevard over there. He's got the superior position, and the only way in is over a very exposed bridge. It's a killing ground." 

I can hear the frustration in his voice; if he wasn't trying to kill my best friend, I might feel for the guy. 

"But he's getting tired," the merc continues. "Making mistakes. We'll have him soon enough." 

Over my undead body, asshole. 

"You guys have a plan?"

The Batarian lays it all out for me. They have an infiltration team that is supposed to get inside Archangel's hideout and take him down. They also have teams trying to get in through tunnels, but Archangel blocked them all off. The plan now is focused on the infiltration team, and they need freelancers to serve as bullet fodder. The goal is to throw enough bodies at Archangel that he gets distracted or overwhelmed, and the infiltration team gets inside. 

It's a damn suicide mission for all of these freelancers. Fortunately, that's not my problem. These guys just don't know it yet. 

I find out where the infiltration team is in the field so that I can take them out, and the Blue Suns merc tells us to look for a Sergeant Cathka for further instructions. With that, we're on our way into the warzone. 

"I want to see if we can find the gang leaders," I tell my squad. "They might have information we can use. We need to know what we're facing once we turn on the mercs." 

"We have a way in, but it sounds like getting out could be interesting," Miranda notes. 

I nod; she's not wrong. We can kill the mercs to get to Archangel, but then we'll be where he is, facing the full force of all three gangs. "Let's find him first. Then we'll figure out the rest." 

"Shepard, I've scanned the area, but I'm unable to plot any other paths to Archangel," EDI informs us while we head up the stairs and into the district. 

"I guess we're going with the mercs then." 

"The heavy mechs and gunships possess considerable firepower," EDI says, referring to the things that Blue Suns merc mentioned they'd tried. "Weakening them before leaving will improve your chances." 

"That...is smart, EDI. Thank you." 

We pass a barrier, the first of three from what we've heard, where a few mercs from each of the gangs are shooting down the boulevard. It's too long-range for them to hit anything; they're just firing in the hopes it keeps Archangel down or tires him out. They should know that's not how it works when you back someone into a corner. 

Inside a room with the door open, we find a group of Eclipse mercs. There's a datapad just inside the door, and I quickly swipe it, handing it behind me to Miranda for her to deal with. If she has so many genetically modified talents, she can figure out hiding a damn datapad. 

We walk in, and a Salarian at the table is talking to the rest of the group. He sounds in charge. "As the first wave goes in, the infiltration team will attempt to take Archangel by surprise." He notices us and looks up at me. "Can I help you?"

"You lead the Eclipse?" I ask. 

"You figure that out yourself?" He scoffs. "I'm Jaroth. I run Omega's Eclipse." 

Jaroth is a lot more badass looking than any other Salarian I've met. First, I didn't know they could be red. Maybe it's an all-over tattoo? He also has intense white tattoos that only make the red look more intense. 

"What do you need, freelancer?" he asks, clearly annoyed. I think it's more at our presence or existence than the interruption. I manage to learn a little from him anyway. Eclipse are involved in transporting eezo, and they control 20% of Omega. Jaroth thinks he's running a business. 

And he hates Archangel. Mostly, I think, because Archangel killed his brother while taking down a transport operation. Jaroth is willing to sacrifice as many freelancers as necessary to get to Archangel, and I think he'd sacrifice the other gangs too. He's not crazy about having to follow Tarak's plan for now. So they've teamed up, but they aren't a team. That's good news. 

Back in the hall, Miranda gives me the datapad back. It's a message from Jaroth to Tarak, and Garm is mentioned as well. Once they take Archangel down together, they're going after Aria to take over Omega. I save the message details to my Omni-Tool. Aria helped me get this far, and Omega will not benefit from being run from gangs. I'll give her this information as soon as I can. 

"Hey, Shepard." I turn back to Jacob, and he motions toward a room off the hallway we're in. Inside are a massive heavy mech and the control system for it. 

"You know, if we can mess with the friend or foe system on there, we could really screw with the mercs," I note. 

Jacob nods. "We could. Do you know how to do that?"

"Someone promised to teach me once. I just...we never got around to it." And a second chance could be so close. Or it could be impossible. Taking out this mech will help me find out either way. 

I mostly fiddle just around with the damn thing, but I manage to get something to happen. It worked solely on luck, and I'm taking that as a good sign for the rest of the day. "That should slow them down." 

"Perfect," Miranda chirps. "It'll be hostile if they activate it." 

We continue through the doors at the end of the hallway. There are a few ways to move here, but the Krogan in one room suggests we've found the Blood Pack hangout. The absolutely massive Krogan sitting on a table that is holding him up by either miracle or a total lack of physics is another good sign we've found them. 

"You're in the wrong place, freelancer," he growls at me. 

"You're the Blood Pack leader?"

"Names Garm. That's all you need to know. I'm stuck here waiting until you freelancers are done playing war. Ask your questions and go." Good, he's not happy with the plan either. This war doesn't have two sides, it has Archangel's side and then three others. 

Garm seems even angrier with Archangel than Jaroth, and in this case, I think it's pride. Archangel and Garm went toe-to-hand, hand-to-hand. And it sounds like Garm just about got his ass kicked before his crew showed up. 

"You're still confident this is your teammate?" Jacob asks in the hall. 

I can barely keep from smiling. "Yes, more all the time. Garrus had experience sparring with a Krogan even bigger than that one." My smile only grows when Jacob gives a soft impressed sound from the back of his throat. He should be impressed, but I know Garrus; he's seen nothing yet. 

We reach the second barricade, but don't get too close before a merc goes down. A headshot, clean. And at this distance. 

My heart skips, knocking the wind out of me. "Oh, my God. It's him." 

Garrus is here. He's a few hundred yards away. And he needs help, quickly. 

"I'm looking for Sergeant Cathka," I tell one of the freelancers hanging around by the third and final barricade. This is the last barrier between the mercs and the bridge, which is the only way to access Archangel. 

"You and me both, lady," the guy scoffs. "He's over there, working on the gunship. We go over that bridge when he gives the word." 

I follow his directions and find Cathka, a Batarian, working under the back of a massive gunship. This thing is dangerous. It's also damaged, thanks to Archangel, who shot the thing down the last time they sent it out. But they are going to get it fixed, and then Archangel will be facing it. 

While we're talking to Cathka, he gets the command that the infiltration team is ready. That means it's time for the freelancers - us included - to go. It also means that Archangel is running out of time. And that means it's time for me to make sure this gunship is not fully functional. It will fly, and it will fire, but if I can stop Cathka, it will not be at full force. 

And that's why Cathka ends up with some electrical tool shoved into his neck, eliminating him and his work as a threat. It's not the sort of justice that I usually encourage, but Garrus is at stake here. I'll do whatever it takes. 

At the barricade, the freelancers are beginning their assault. There's a wall serving as the end of the barrier. Jump over that, and they land right on the far end of the bridge. From there, they have to fight to stay alive and get across the bridge. At least a dozen freelancers go on ahead of us, and I hear at least three of them go down immediately. 

"Archangel doesn't have much time," Miranda says, actually sounding like she cares. I doubt that it's about Garrus, but maybe she's decided to be on board with the one damn thing I need to get my head back on. To get back to normal. To survive. 

"Come on. Let's give these guys a surprise." 

I lead Miranda and Jacob over the bridge, choosing not to wear my helmet despite walking into a sniper's killing ground. My hope is that seeing us fire on the freelancers and the mercs will make Archangel pause. And then I hope Garrus will recognize me. 

We start firing on the freelancers quickly, making enough noise - and forcing them to make enough noise - that Archangel and the infiltration team will notice us. As expected, the freelancers go into total panic mode; these guys have no idea what they're doing. Also as expected, the infiltration team turns on us instead of taking advantage. 

While I'm firing on a Blue Suns Trooper, I'm nearly topped over from behind. A concussive round...in a live-fire shootout? I get to cover so that I can turn and look back, found out who has a shot at me. And there is only one possible person, behind a scope on the balcony at the other end of the bridge. 

Archangel just shot me. If I had any doubts about who is waiting for me on that balcony, they were shattered by that round in my ass. So I throw the smug Turian bastard a very rude Turian hand signal and hurry up. 

I feel like I could throw up or pass out while fighting through the remainder of the infiltration team, letting Miranda and Jacob take out the mercs. It's been weird to think about being dead for two years when I haven't actually lost time, at least in my mind, but every fiber of my being is screaming like it missed him. 

I've missed Garrus for two years. And now he's a few feet away. 

I start running at the top of the stairs, unable to contain myself and not giving a shit about whether or not I look like a total fool. The doors at the end of the hallway, onto the balcony, unlock and...and then he's there. 

"Shepard?" he asks softly, almost hesitantly, while my feet freeze. The warmth of his chocolately voice washes over me. I only realize then how cold I've been. 

"Yeah. Yeah, it's me, big guy." 

He winces at the nickname, and I remember him doing that the last time I said those words, too. The last time we saw each other. Some of the hope, the elation, in my chest, cracks a little. Garrus is being greeted by a zombie who dumped him. This isn't a happy reunion for him. 

"Sorry, I..." I manage a laugh, pushing my ponytail back over my shoulder. Garrus steps out of the balcony and closer, moving slowly like he thinks I might be a hallucination. Or a nightmare. "I forget it's been a while. Doesn't feel like it while you're dead." 

He frowns. God, he's gorgeous. So much more handsome in person than in my memories. And he's been working out. Jesus. 

"But...you're here?" 

I nod. "Yeah. I'm here." 

Garrus closes the rest of the distance between us in a flash, grabbing me by my upper arms and turning to slam me into the wall so hard it nearly knocks the wind out of me. Having him this close to me is more than enough to take my breath away. 

The air between us sparks to life, that force that was always between us reigniting. Just the thought of his hands on me right now when I know he could make this body feel like I belong in it, when his touch could make me feel alive... 

Garrus presses his face into my throat, nuzzling, and I can barely breathe. And then his rough, hot tongue touches my skin and I can’t help a moan. Arousal so intense it hurts surges to my core. 

“Shepard,” he whispers, hands moving over my jaw and then into my hair. He pulls back enough to look at me and then presses his forehead against mine. This moan is more like a whimper, my heart threatening to break even while it swells. “I don’t know if I already died or if I’m hallucinating, but I don’t care because you’re here.” He closes his eyes, pain sweeping over his expression. “I needed you. Thank you for coming.” 

“Oh God, Garrus.” I grab his carapace and try to pull him even closer. “I needed you, too.” 

He moans and his lips brush against mine, tingles shooting down my spin. I’ve never wanted to be kissed so badly in my entire life. Bright, intense blue eyes meet mine and I can see him searching. I don’t know what he wants to find, but I’ll give him anything. 

But the moment ends when footsteps crash up the stairs, and Garrus raises his rifle, aiming at Miranda and Jacob, who are pointing their own weapons at him. Garrus hooks an arm around my waist and pulls me to his side protectively, growling deep in his chest. 

"Stand down," I snap at them, immediately shifting to put myself between them and Garrus. I could kill them both just for aiming at him. 

"Shepard, who the hell are they?" Garrus growls from over my shoulder. 

I turn to face him, inhaling that scent I've only had in my dreams for the past weeks. "They're with me, and we're your backup." 

He considers that for a moment and then smirks, almost sighs in relief, and leads us all back onto the balcony. "Good timing then." Garrus sits down heavily on a crate, and something about the way he does it makes me wonder when was the last time he sat. 

"Are you okay?"

Garrus looks up at me, and the impossible blue of his eyes takes my breath away. "I've been better. But it sure is good to see a friendly face." He chuckles, the sound so familiar and so comforting. "Killing mercs is hard work. Especially on my own." 

"You aren't on your own anymore, Garrus. Or...should I call you Archangel?" 

He barks out a laugh and looks a little sheepish. "It's just a name the locals gave me. For all my good deeds. I don't mind it, but please...it's just Garrus to you." 

"The locals, really? Pretty sure I was the first person to call you that." 

"Yeah. Yeah, you were." Garrus looks at me again, and a familiar heat blossoms in my core. That certainly hasn't changed. The expression on his face tells me that it hasn't changed for Garrus either, and that sends relief washing over me. 

I startle when Jacob clears his throat. Apparently, Garrus and I aren't the only two people in the room who can feel the heat. 

"Right. You got yourself in some trouble here, Garrus. How'd you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems?"

"It wasn't easy," he answers, shaking his head. "I really had to work at it. I am amazed they teamed up to fight me, though. They must really hate me." 

I step toward the balcony, looking around. This building is a home, obviously. Garrus' home, I assume. Which means the body bags we passed on the lower level probably belonged to his team. So Garrus is up here alone. Intentionally? For more than a week? That's reckless at best. 

At worst, it's...

I turn back to Garrus, letting him see my concern. "How did you let yourself get into this position?" 

The look that crosses his face and the way his eyes glaze sends ice shooting through my veins. I know the answer before he opens his mouth. "My feelings got in the way of my judgment. It's a long story." He stands and shakes his head, the immense pain still present in the set of his jaw. 

I want to touch him so badly my hands are itching. I'd give anything to be able to comfort him, to take that pain away. Even more, I want to know whether or not I'm still in a place to be able to comfort him...or if he wants me to. 

"I'll tell you what," Garrus says, composing himself. "You get me out of here alive, and I will tell you the whole damn thing." 

"Deal." It's not like we're in a good place to talk about it anyway. "Well, we got here...I don't think getting out will be as easy." 

"No, it won't. The bridge has saved my life, funneling all these assholes into my scope. But it works both ways." He motions toward the bridge. "They'll slaughter us if we try to get out." 

Miranda scoffs. "So we just sit here and wait for them to take us out?"

Garrus turns to look at her. Miranda might be genetically engineered to be attractive, whatever that means, but the engineer did not consider Turians. I almost laugh at the look on his face and can practically read his mind about her lack of armor. 

"Hey, the place has served him well so far," Jacob notes. 

"And with the three of you..." Garrus shrugs. "I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defenses, and take our chances." He looks at me and adds, "It's not a perfect plan, but it'll do." 

"I'm inclined to trust you." It surprises Garrus, and I smirk at him. "Although maybe I shouldn't trust the guy who shot me. You got me good, you know." 

He chuckles softly. "Concussive rounds only, no harm done. I didn't want the mercs getting suspicious." 

"They were already shooting back at us, Garrus," I laugh.

"Hey, if I wanted to do more than take down your shields, I'd have done it." He winks, and I have to reach out for the balcony railing to keep myself from falling flat on my face. Damn. "Besides, you were taking your sweet time. I needed to get you moving." 

"You've been up here a while, huh?" Jacob asks him, staring at Garrus' rifle, which he has not put down or away yet. 

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Garrus asks, moving his rifle to his side, almost like a child trying to keep another from coveting his favorite toy. 

"Oh, right! Sorry. Garrus, this is Miranda and Jacob. Long story that I will also explain once we get you out of here." He nods at them. "And this is Garrus Vakarian, my..." 

Walked yourself right into that one, Shepard. How the hell am I supposed to finish that sentence?

Garrus shifts, and I can tell it confuses or concerns him, too. Two years and I guess not that much has changed. At least he didn't jump in with something terrible. Something like "ex-boyfriend." 

Maybe that means I still have a chance in my second life. 

"My former teammate," I manage finally.

"And a lot more, I'd wager," Miranda mutters, that damn smug smirk back on her face. 

I ignore it and shake my head. Nothing will matter if I don't get Garrus out of here safely. "If we fight as a team, we'll hold them off. 

Garrus nods, probably just as relieved at the subject change. "You're right. Their numbers won't help them in here anyway. Let's see what they're up to." He walks up to the edge of the balcony and uses his rifle scope for a better look down the bridge. He can probably see the barrier from here. "Looks like they know their infiltration team failed. Take a look." 

For a moment, I just stare at the rifle when he offers it. Garrus Vakarian does not let other people touch his gun; that's like day one knowledge about the sniper. And here he is, handing it to me. 

I step closer than I need to and speak softer than I have to. "Olive branch?" I take the rifle by the scope, my hand near enough to his that our fingers brush. 

"Something like that," he rumbles, deep voice just as effective as the wink. Garrus doesn't release the gun right away, instead bringing his other hand over and covering mine. He squeezes very briefly and then lets me and the weapon go. 

It's enough for now. 

He clears his throat. "Scouts. Eclipse, I think."

I lift the rifle, a lot heavier than I anticipated it would be, and use the scope as a monocular. At the other end of the bridge, at least half a dozen mechs have jumped the barrier, armed and looking for a fight. "That looks like a lot more than scouts." 

"Then we'd better get ready. I want to stay up here; I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point." 

"I'm not leaving your side," I inform him. I can see the surprise on Jacob and Miranda's faces when I turn back to them, choosing not to see Garrus' response to it. "You two, head down to the first level and keep them from getting inside. We'll keep in contact by comms." I look to Garrus and ask, "OK?"

That definitely surprises him, but he recovers quickly. Garrus nods and pulls his rifle up, nailing one mech right in the head with one bullet. "Let's give 'em everything we got." 

Fighting side by side with Garrus is like sinking into a hot bath at the end of a too-long battle. Like sliding into bed when you're bone-tired. 

Like coming home. 

He is flawless, as always, but I can tell that he's tired. He's leaning instead of standing up straight, lowering his rifle more than needed to put in a new heat sink so that he can rest it for a moment. He's aiming more carefully than he usually does, too. Probably because his eyes are exhausted.

We're fighting through the Eclipse forces now, including LOKI mechs, troopers, snipers, heavies who are carrying rocket launchers, and vanguards who have biotic barriers. And every single one of them is focusing their shots on Garrus - on Archangel. Even with me doing serious damage and two people on the lower level, they want Garrus. 

And he's been dealing with this alone for a week. A week with no sleep, probably no food, and no one in the world to have his six. 

I may have been on the fence about whether or not being brought back to life was a good thing before this. No more. All of it, anything, is worth it to be here with him. 

"Damn it," he growls beside me. "They're deploying a heavy mech." 

"Oh, that problem is going to take care of itself." 

Garrus looks over his shoulder to frown at me, but I just motion back toward the bridge. He looks back just in time to see the Eclipse mercs get surprised when their own mech starts to fire on them, the thing even shooting rockets through the barrier. 

"Was that you?" he asked, clearly impressed. 

"Maybe." I throw him a wink now. "A girl's gotta have her secrets." 

"Spirits," he breathes, shaking his head and turning back to the scope. "I need all the blood I have left in my head, Shepard, thanks." 

I can't help a laugh - and I don't try hard. "Good to know I can still have some effect." 

"It would be good if you two could remember you're on open comms, too," Miranda snaps, startling both of us. My cheeks get hot and red immediately, and I can see a deep blue creep up Garrus' throat. Oh, well. They might as well know.

Garrus tenses beside me and leans forward a little. "Son of a bitch, come and get it," he murmurs. I do my best to line up where his rifle is aimed and find out who exactly has him so excited, but a red Salarian stands out. Jaroth. 

I get one glimpse of him before Garrus puts a bullet between his eyes. 

"And that's the end of Eclipse on Omega." There's some pride in his voice, but it's heavy. There's something else there too, and my mind drifts back to the body bags downstairs. Something tells me this battle got very personal for Garrus recently. 

We clear the rest of the field, and when it looks like no one else is coming, for now, I call Miranda and Jacob back up to join us. It's not like we could be alone anyway, so I might as well. 

"Looks like that's everyone Eclipse had to throw at us," Garrus breathes before sitting heavily on the back of a couch. "We might have a moment to regroup. There's a lot of ammo around, grab some. Running low on stims, though." 

I turn to glare at him, and Garrus avoids my gaze. _Not your place, Shepard._ I take a breath. "Feel good to get Jaroth?"

That gets him smiling. "Been after that little bastard for a while. He's been shipping tainted eezo all over Citadel space. Half the goods seized back at C-Sec came from his team here on Omega. I took out a big shipment a while back and killed his top lieutenant in the process. Not surprised he decided to work with the other mercs after that." 

"Impressive, Vakarian. That's good work." Garrus just nods, but he's definitely preening a little. I don't miss the glance at my squadmates. Still cocky, and I still love it. "We've got Blood Pack and Blue Suns left. Think we can make a break for it?" 

"Maybe. Let's see what they're up to." I wait while Garrus checks down the bridge with his scope again. "They've reinforced the other side. Heavily. But they're not coming back onto the bridge yet. What are they waiting for?" 

A rumbling sound echoes through the building, and then a distant explosion rocks the floor so much that I stumble. Garrus catches me with a hand on my elbow, and I watch his eyes sweep me. "Nice armor," he mutters. 

I might be able to create a response if not for the intense blue of his eyes and the blaring alarm that begins. 

"What the hell was that?" Miranda demands. 

Garrus has already stepped away from me and is pulling something up on his Omni-Tool. "Damn it. They've breached the lower levels." 

"They had to use their brains eventually," I note. 

"We need to cut them off down there as well," Garrus says. "If they all get up here, we'll be overrun." 

I nod. "I'm not leaving you alone now either. Miranda, Jacob - you know what to do." 

Jacob salutes and Miranda nods before they head away. Garrus gives them directions over the comms and guides their approach. He manages to continue giving them instruction and support, even coaching, while helping me take out the Blood Pack flood coming over the bridge. This is a man who has grown. 

"You've gotten really good at this, Garrus," I tell him softly, even though that won't keep it off the comms. 

Garrus pauses for a moment, and his voice is soft when he responds, "Didn't have much of a choice." 

"Commander, I don't know if we can get these last shutters closed," Jacob says urgently from over the comms. The gunfire seems to have increased on their end. "We're getting swarmed." 

"Go, help them," Garrus says before I can even ask. I catch his eye, trying to figure out if I think he'll be OK. He nails another Vorcha in the head before looking at me. "I've been handling it this long. Go." 

I don't have time to argue with him, so I race downstairs on the same path that Garrus guided Miranda and Jacob on ahead of me. I find them in a large space that seems like it was a cargo area or garage, and jump right into the fight. They have varren, Vorcha, and Krogan with a large range of weapons to contend with; I can see why my team needed some support. 

My mind is on Garrus the entire time, though, and I think he knows that because he keeps checking in. Unfortunately, his check-ins start getting more and more serious. "I'm gonna need some help soon," he admits. "They're getting more aggressive." 

"I just got the final shutter shut, we're coming," I promise, running ahead of Miranda and Jacob to get back. 

"Shit, they're getting through the door. Garm is here." It's the first time I've ever heard fear in Garrus' voice, and it makes me feel sick. "Shepard...hurry." 

"Garrus, hold on. I'm coming." 

Heart thumping, gut tight, I run as fast I can. My body is still stiff, and it's also tired and hungry, but I push it as hard as I can. Nothing matters but getting back to Garrus. 

We get back to the building and find that the Blood Pack has already gotten inside. I get a horrible view of Garm running up the front stairs; he's going to get to Garrus. I switch quickly to my assault rifle and unleash, spraying bullets in the lower level of the building. I don't care who or where I hit, if they're between Garrus and me, they die. 

"Clear them out, I'm going up!" I shout to Miranda, who nods and gets a Krogan trapped in a biotic forcefield. 

"Shepard, Garm has me pinned," Garrus pants into the comms. 

"Not for long." I climb the same stairs as before; this time instead of hope spurring me on, it's dread. And I get onto the balcony behind Garm, who is shooting hard and fast at Garrus in cover. 

The Blood Pack leader gets a bullet in the back of the skull, and then another to make sure he stays down. 

"Fuck," Garrus breathes, pulling himself up. He sways a little, and I can see the exhaustion starting to take a toll. 

I walk to him and place my hand on his chest, quickly checking him for new wounds. "We need to get you out of here, Garrus." 

"I'm not gonna argue with that." He covers my hand with his and gives me a serious look. "Thanks for getting here. I've, uh...decided I'd like to survive this." 

I search his eyes, trying to decide if he's saying what I think he is. And then I remember I have no business being upset about that. "Yeah...I know exactly what you mean." 

Garrus gives me a look that almost certainly mirrors my own, concern and complete understanding. He nods and drops both of our hands as Miranda and Jacob return. 

"Only the Blue Suns are left," I remind all of them. "I say we take our chances and fight our way out." 

"I think you're right," Garrus agrees. "Tarak's got the toughest group, but it's nothing we haven't faced before. Besides, he won't be expecting us to - " 

A shattering of glass cuts him off, and Garrus reaches for me at the same time I move to pull him to cover. "Archangel!" an amplified and pissed off voice screams. We peek over the couch to spot the rather large barrel of the gunship's gun.

Garrus swears. "I thought I took that thing out already." 

"They're offloading troops!" Miranda calls from behind a bookshelf, closer to that end of the balcony. 

"And repelling down the sidewall," Garrus adds. So they're coming at us from all sides and using the gunship. This is not going to be easy. 

"Hey." Garrus looks at me between shots. "The end is in sight. Let's do this and get out of here. OK, big guy?"

I watch him swallow hard, probably a reaction to the nickname again, but he nods. We all get to work, fighting through what feels like damn swarms of Blue Suns. I have to move into the hallway to help Jacob keep the forces from getting up the stairs and adding to our problems. Miranda's biotics are helpful combined with Garrus' rifle, so I'm a little more okay leaving him. 

Until I hear the gunship return and can't see it.

"Archangel!" Tarak screams over the speaker again. I nearly drop my gun when I hear machine gun spray. A lot of it. Too much. 

"Shepard!" Miranda shouts, her tone terrified for the first time I've heard it. I turn and run, abandoning my gun and any pretenses. 

"You think you can screw with the Blue Suns?" Tarak growls. 

I reach the balcony just in time to be blown backward, out into the hallway. A rocket. He shot a fucking rocket. At Garrus. 

The moment I can, I scramble back into the room. And then the entire universe shrinks to the size of this balcony in an instant, nothing existing outside of Garrus on his back...unmoving...in a puddle of blue blood. Too much blue blood, the pool only growing. 

Vaguely, I'm aware that Jacob and Miranda are firing on the gunship. I stumble when it crashes and rocks the ground. But I don't care.

"Garrus." He doesn't move. "Garrus!" 

I fall to my knees almost on top of him, blood everywhere and immediately coating my hands when I touch him. For a moment, there's nothing - he's completely still. And then he takes a huge breath, his eyes flying open. 

"Garrus!" It's not too late. I'm not too late. 

"Sh...Shepard," he stammers, his hand moving weakly along the floor. He squeezes his rifle but leaves it quickly, looking for something else. I slip my fingers into his palm, and he grips them, not letting go. "Shepard." 

"I'm here, I'm here. You have to stay with me, Garrus." There is so much blood, so much damage. His face...I can't even touch it; I wouldn't know what's still intact. 

And his chest...right through his armor. "Oh, Garrus." 

"I...Shepard, you..." He coughs, blood pooling at the edge of his mouth and breaking my heart. 

"Shh." I can hear Jacob and Miranda calling for evac immediately. "Don't talk, Garrus. Please. Just...just stay with me." 

His eyes get distant, a look I've seen on soldiers too many times. This time, it makes me feel sick. The cool temperature of his hand only adds to the pain in my chest. 

"Garrus, no! No, please." I want to shake him, slap him, do anything to keep him with me, but there is damage everywhere. All of him. So much blood. "Please, Garrus." 

His eyes close, and it's like the whole universe shatters around me. I just got him back, and he's slipping through my fingers again.


	6. Suffocating

I suffocated in space. 

The void sucked all the air from my lungs and throat, and every single one of my cells. And I suffocated. 

It killed me. I don't need to know what reports list as the cause of my death because I remember dying. I stared at those stars until they suffocated me. It was the single worst experience of my life until then. 

I watched my family die. The Batarian pirates shot my little brother, where he was hiding under my bed beside me. They set my parents on fire, along with dozens of other people in my village. I was orphaned in an instant and alone. 

I was kidnapped by those pirates and forced into slavery; people paid money to traumatize me. Even when the Turian squad that rescued us swooped in, watching the Batarians get riddled with bullets was hellish. 

Then, Akuze. When that thresher maw first attacked, I was launched from the backseat. It missed me, but I listened to the screams of my squad - my teammates and my friends - while they were devoured by hundreds of teeth or dissolved in acid. For days that repeated while we tried to just get the hell away, back to our ships and home. I got on the shuttle out alone. 

But suffocating in space, all alone once again, was worse than all of that. 

And the absolute horror of feeling the final, fleeting remains of oxygen left in my body is nothing compared to this moment. 

Garrus is dying. 

I'm holding his head and chest in my lap on the shuttle, his body wrecked, and I'm getting covered in blood, and he's dying. Even the fluttering of his eyes doesn't bring me any relief, not with blood pouring from him and his mandible barely attached and the bone on his jaw visible. 

"Shepard." 

I nearly startle when he speaks, his eyes a little more focused now. Focused on me. I put my palm on the cheek that is still attached, my gloves gone so that I can feel him. The comfort is lost because he feels too cold. My Garrus is a space heater; this bloody one has a rattle in his chest and cool skin. 

And a smirk, clearly visible on the intact part of his face. 

"You...so beautiful," he rasps out. His voice is wrong, but the words...the words hurt. 

"I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner." My voice is choked by tears, not blood. He grows blurry, my eyes brimming. "I told you I wouldn't leave you alone." 

Garrus takes a wheezing breath. "Shut up." 

A laugh I'm reluctant to let go of escapes me, and it takes tears that I hate out with them. "Stop talking. You need your strength." 

He tries to shake his head but closes his eyes, and I can see pain. I can see the blood flow from his neck increase, too. I push down harder with the hand there, at the space between his neck and shoulder where it seems worse, but I'm not sure I'm doing anything but hurting him more. And his soft grunt of pain guts me. 

"I'm sorry. Just hold on, okay?" 

Another soft grunt, and then he's gone again. Limp and...not here. 

Garrus is dying. 

The shuttle finally gets back to the Normandy, and I can't even look at Joker. He was so hopeful when I left; he's crushed now. I don't leave Garrus when we get into the Med Bay, putting my fingers back into his hand where he wanted them. Chakwas and Miranda are saying things, a lot of things, but they sound distant. Playing in the background while everything centers around Garrus. 

Another hand covers mine. Chakwas. "Shepard. Shepard, look at me." I pull my eyes away, trying to focus on her, but all I can think about is Garrus dying. "I'm going to help him, Shepard, as best I can. But you need to move." 

Dr. Chakwas is the most professional person I know. And the best doctor. But there are tears in her eyes. 

"You think he's going to die." 

It's an accusation, and she knows it. 

"Shepard." She takes both of my hands and pulls them off Garrus. She's warmer than him. And she turns me toward her, squeezing my fingers. "I lost you and watched it destroy him. Until today, I thought I'd lost him, too." A tear tracks down her cheek, but her expression is unwavering, so I believe her when she says, "I will not let another one of you die." 

I nod because I believe her. But that doesn't mean I know how to walk away from him. Not like this. 

"I can't abandon him again." 

"Shepard." It's a different voice this time. Joker. He's not crying, not crushed. He looks calm even while he walks toward me, but I know he's in pain. He holds a hand out to me. "Come on. When the big guy wakes up, you can't be all covered in his blood." 

I look down at myself. Even the black of my new armor has a cobalt blue tint now. And my hands. 

I nod at Joker and then look back at Garrus. 

"You're not leaving him, Shepard," Chakwas breathes, touching my cheek with the back of her gloved hand. "Here. He was wearing these, and I know he'll want them back." She presses something into my hands, and the sight of them makes a sob leave my throat.   
Joker steps forward and takes my hand, ignoring the blood and not waiting for me to close the distance between us. "None of us is leaving him. Come on." He tugs, and I go because I could hurt him if I don't, but Garrus stays, and I hate that. 

"What if something happens?" 

"Shepard, I will monitor and keep you updated," EDI informs me. 

"And you can come back in right after your shower and his surgery," Chakwas says, pressing her hand against my lower back and guiding me out while Joker pulls. My instincts want me to stay, my friends want me to go...

I just want Garrus. 

And then the Med Bay doors shut and lock behind me. I know Chakwas isn't going to let me back in there, Commander or not. 

"Keep moving, Shepard," Joker says, not letting up with his tugging on me. We're moving toward the elevator. "Trust me. As long as you're moving, you'll be okay. You can stop when Garrus is out of surgery." 

I step into the elevator and pause when I realize that now Joker isn't leading me. He doesn't climb on with me. 

"You'll be okay up if you keep moving, okay?" I just stare at him and Joker takes his hat off, running a hand through hair. It's the most unlevel I've ever seen him. "Garrus didn't leave my side until I could walk again. I'm gonna stay down here." 

I nod, feeling a little bit of the knot in my gut release. I reach up and wipe the tears I can feel tracking down my cheeks. "Yes. That's good. Thank you." 

"Least I can do. Go. Moving." He points toward the console to select my floor. "Shower, change, come back down and sit with me. I'll send some horny crewman up to peep on you in the shower if you're not back in twenty." 

The laugh doesn't even sound like me, hoarse and wet, but it does help. A little. Knowing that Joker, one of Garrus' closest friends the last time I knew him, will stay helps more. Twenty minutes. Then I'll be back. 

The elevator moves too slowly. When I feel the walls start closing in, I start to pace back and forth. Joker said to keep moving. I keep moving, right into quarters that don't feel like mine to dump all of my armor. Blood splashes on the floors that are too shiny; I'll deal with it later. 

Blood is even on my BDUs under the armor, soaking through the minuscule creases. It's a clear sign of how much blood there was and for how long. So long. We got him back too slowly. 

And I can't get back by his side until I'm showered. Joker is right; who would want to wake up from surgery and find someone soaked in their blood? I head right in there, cranking up the heat to try and dissolve some of the cold remaining in my hands. Cold that seeped through from Garrus, my Turian so hot he even smelled like he'd been warmed by the sun. 

I shake it off and head for the mirror, pulling my hair down on the way. I can't get derailed by every thought, not if I'm going to get back to Garrus quickly. And then immediately the mirror slows me down. 

Blood is streaked across my face on both sides. I wiped my face in the elevator, while my hands were still soaked in blood. And now Garrus' blood is smeared across my cheeks, my jaw, even into my hair and the corner of my mouth. The cobalt blue stands in stark contrast to my green eyes and red hair, but my eyes are drawn to the pink lip gloss. 

I wore makeup today to try and interest Garrus. And then I couldn't even keep him safe long enough to get off Omega in one piece. 

I scrub my face, hard enough that the healing scars on my face make themselves known with stinging bites of pain. The water is hot enough to sting, too, but I don't adjust it. I want the hot water to burn every moment of today off, every failure. 

I'm still holding what Chakwas gave me, what she took off of Garrus' neck. My dog tags. The ones I left for him before leaving him on the Citadel, ones I assumed he would throw out but that I had to leave anyway because I needed a connection to him.

Once the soap starts to run clear again, I step out and dry. Part of me wants more armor on; something about that makes me feel safe. But my other set is the wrong color now. And I think I'd rather be comfortable. 

It's weird to find my own clothes but in the wrong places. I could lose myself in this reorganization if I wanted to take my mind off things. That's the last thing I want. I'm not using excuses or distractions anymore to push Garrus away. I've already made that mistake once. 

Sweatpants and a t-shirt are calling to me today, and I dress quickly. The shirt goes on over my head, and something metal hits the floor with a soft clanging sound. I yank the shirt over my face and look down, but down see anything immediately. Spinning in a circle, a morbid part of me wondering if a screw they used to put me together has fallen, something shimmers in the light from the fish tank. Something tiny. 

I kneel and pluck it from the ground with my fingers. The moment I get a look at the little piece of gold, the knot in my stomach loosens so quickly that I nearly lose my protein bar from breakfast all over the floor. 

They saved it. Along with my clothes and the random shit I had around my quarters in the first Normandy, Cerberus somehow knew that when I fell asleep that night, a gold guardian angel pin was in my quarters. A gift from Garrus, the last wonderful, selfless, amazing thing he did for me. 

I dumped the guy, and he gave me a guardian angel pin. And he's been serving as a guardian angel to an entire hellhole of a station for almost two years. How the hell am I ever supposed to deserve this guy?

Getting back to Med Bay so that I can be there for him is probably a start. 

I pin the guardian angel to my shirt, pull my hair up into a bun that's probably a disaster because how do I function with this much hair, leave the dog tags on my bedside table, and then I jump right back into the elevator. Which then proceeds to crawl like a drunken Elcor, slower than should be possible down to the Crew Deck. 

I'm ready to explode into motion by the time the damn thing stops, and I nearly explode right into Kelly Chambers. We both jump and startle, Kelly letting out a little squeak. "Oh! Oh, Commander, I'm so sorry. I was coming around the corner to meet you, but then there you were and -"

"Yeah, I know the rest, Chambers. Whatever it is, you will have to wait." I step around her and head for Med Bay. They won't let me in, but I can look through the window, at least. 

"I just needed you," Kelly says, her footsteps rapid behind me. "I-I mean...I wanted to talk to you. To see if you want to talk." 

"You'll have to wait for mission reports." I frown at the shuttered Med Bay windows, preventing me from getting in, and add, "Isn't that Miranda's job? What the hell do I have an XO for if I still have paperwork?"

Kelly lets out a soft sound; I don't know if it's annoyed or something else, and I don't care. "I didn't mean about the mission. I mean about you, and what happened today. Your friend in there." 

"Shepard." I turn toward Joker. He's sitting at a chair that he's pulled out from the table and turned toward the Med Bay. There's an empty chair sitting beside him, and he pats it. A spot for me, keeping guard with him. 

I ignore Kelly and take that seat, resting my elbows on my knees and watching the Med Bay windows. "Any updates or progress? Anything?" 

"No." 

"Officer Vakarian's vital signs are holding stable during surgery," EDI tells us. "Dr. Chakwas, Miranda, and the medical team are working to stop the bleeding before they can move on to repairing the damage done." 

My throat tightens. "He's still bleeding?"

EDI pauses. "They are making progress, Shepard. Dr. Chakwas has asked me to remind you that Garrus Vakarian is...Garrus Vakarian." 

Joker and I both laugh at that, probably confusing the AI. Definitely confusing Kelly. "Thank you, EDI. That helps." 

"Yeah, who knew ship cancer had a purpose?" Joker grumbles. 

I don't get a chance to scold him before Kelly pops up in front of me again. "I'm here to talk if you ever need it. You and the whole crew. It's part of the reason I was chosen for the crew; I have a degree in psychology." 

"Oh, God," Joker grumbles. "I did not sign on to get shrinked." 

"Kelly, please." I rub my forehead, a headache definitely coming on. "This is the worst day I've had since...ever. Including my own death. The last thing I need is a psychologist. Unless you're a surgeon, I am not interested in anything you have to offer right now." 

It doesn't phase her. The smile doesn't fade at all. Maybe I should take some of whatever she's on. "I understand, Commander. I'll be around. And... I'm looking forward to meeting your friend when he's better." 

"I hate that she bounces when she walks," Joker mutters while Kelly does just that out of the room. "I hate everything about this." 

I try to take a breath so that I can sigh, and find that my chest is too tight. I can't even breathe right, not while Garrus is hurt. Not until I can see for myself that he's alright. And something tells me we're in for a long wait. 

Time passes because, of course, it does. Joker has to get up eventually; the chair is killing his legs and back I'm sure. He comes back regularly, but I don't know how much time passes between checks. Several members of the crew hang out for a bit. Hawthorne, Gabi and Ken the engineers, Hadley, and Matthews. It's nice of them, but I can't give them much attention. Rupert tries to get me to eat at least twice - lunch and dinner, I assume. EDI is actually kind of helpful, providing regular updates. Except that when she doesn't, I convince myself that something is wrong. 

Jacob shows up in his casuals, holding a bowl of what I guess is chili, and throws himself into the seat beside me. "How you holding up, Commander?" 

"I'm...fine." It almost feels like doing Garrus an injustice to tell that lie, but I barely know Jacob. 

"You know, Cerberus got an analysis of the damage Archangel did over the last week," he tells me between bites. "That guy," he motions toward the window with a spoon, "took out hundreds of well-armed and trained fighters on his own. And he continued to do that for a week." Jacob gives a short laugh. "He is almost as impressive as you, Shepard." 

"That would be more comforting if it didn't take two years and four billion credits to bring me back, Jacob." 

He looks at me. "Garrus isn't dead." 

I look away, at the floor this time. "Dying isn't much better when it's someone you..." Jacob doesn't make me say it. I refuse to say that about Garrus out loud for the first time to someone who is not Garrus. I clear my throat. "Don't ever tell him what you just said, by the way. That he's almost as impressive as me. I will never live it down." 

"You know," Jacob laughs, finishing off his bowl and standing, "I think I'm gonna like this guy. I can't wait to meet him." Jacob gives me a gentle smile, and I manage to thank him with a nod before he walks away. I wonder if Garrus will like Jacob as much as Jacob thinks he'll like Garrus. Considering Jacob doesn't flirt with me too obviously, they have a chance at friendship. 

"Commander Shepard." 

My head snaps up, and when I realize the speaker is one of the medical techs, standing in the doorway of the Med Lab, I stand from the chair so quickly that it flips and clatters to the floor behind me. The med-tech just stares at me, mouth open a little. "What is it?" I demand, seconds from crossing the room and shaking the guy. 

"I...Dr. Chakwas. She asked for you to come in." 

For a second, I feel frozen. My heart stutters, and my face flushes, and the knot in my stomach clenches until it hurts. I hate it. But then I rush forward, the med tech wisely getting the hell out of my way. The scene in Med Bay gives me pause. I wasn't expecting this. 

Instead of blue blood all over the floor and everyone rushing, it's clean. Even calm. A machine is steadily beeping, but if I didn't know better, I could believe that Garrus is sleeping. Dr. Chakwas is at his side, examining a screen that's scrolling data I don't understand, and Miranda is doing something on a datapad. They've both definitely changed since they aren't bloody either. I want to ask questions, but not before I touch Garrus for myself. 

The look of him is kind of a shock, too. One entire side of Garrus' face is covered in an intense-looking bandage. The mandible is still connected but also bandaged. And those bandages continue down his neck, across his right shoulder, and to his chest. So much damage. I reach for him, but all that damage gives me pause. 

"Is he..." I can't. 

"He's in a medically induced coma, for now," Dr. Chakwas says, speaking slowly and softly like she knows how fragile I'm feeling right now. On another day it might feel patronizing; today, I appreciate it. "He's going to be in a lot of pain, and he needs rest to heal. Garrus was never very good at rest, so I'm being cautious." 

"When will he wake up?" When can I see his eyes again, hear the sound of his voice? When can I touch him?

"I can't answer that for sure," she answers, shaking her head a little. "He'll wake up on his own sometime after the medicines wear off, which will take several hours. I want him to rest." 

I nod, creeping my hand over his now. Warm. His palm is warm. It gives me the courage to hold his hand genuinely again, squeezing his fingers and waiting for him to squeeze mine in return. "But...but he will wake up, though. Right? He's going to be okay." 

"I'm not going to lie and tell you that this wasn't severe," Chakwas responds, placing her hand on Garrus' forearm. I'm not even sure she realizes she's doing it. It's something I understand, the need to feel close right now. "Garrus sustained severe injuries. He should have been dead on impact. The fact that he wasn't says a lot and it changes his prognosis." 

"Garrus is strong," I agree with her, nodding. "Maybe stronger now than ever." Because I forced him to be. "Can I do anything?"

"We still have a mission," Miranda interjects, standing at the end of the bed sans datapad now. "We need to go get Dr. Mordin Solus so that we can move forward. The professor is a priority." 

I shake my head and look back at Garrus, lifting my other hand to his shoulder. "There are no other priorities, Miranda." 

"Shepard, we must - " 

"Miranda, perhaps we could give the commander some time," Dr. Chakwas cuts in. 

Miranda is shaking her head before the doctor even finishes speaking. "I allowed the distraction with collecting Archangel but - 

"Excuse me?" She falls silent at the tone of my voice and I watched her genetically engineered eyes go wide. "Did you just say that you allowed the distraction? If you have any misconceptions that I require you to allow a single damn thing on my ship, you are in for a nasty surprise, Miranda. I require no one's permission, and I must do nothing except be exactly where I am." 

"Commander, I just - " 

"Stop. Another word, I go to the Illusive Man and demand a replacement. I'm worth four billion credits and the fate of humanity; do you think he'll fight me?" The words feel dirty and not like me in a big way. I hate thinking about myself with monetary value, first and foremost, but I really hate throwing it in someone's face. If Miranda did know me, she would know that. 

But she'd also know never to back me into a corner, and especially not when it comes to my crew. 

And never, ever when it comes to Garrus.

"I'm going to stay here and wait for Garrus to wake up. Only then, when I am certain he's going to be okay, will I consider how to proceed with finding and recruiting Dr. Mordin Solus. Take it or leave it, Miranda, and don't ask me which one I'd prefer you do. You won't like the answer." I turn back to Garrus, apologizing in my head for having been distracted from him for this long, and tell her, "You need to leave. I'll come to you when I'm ready." 

There's a pause, a moment of tense silence, and then I hear Miranda march on heeled boots out of the room at a rapid clip. I don't know if she's pissed or running away, and I don't care. 

"Shepard." I look up at Dr. Chakwas and she motions to the corner of one of the screens to show me the time. It's well into the night cycle. "You need rest."

"Please, don't make me snap at you, too." 

She chuckles and shakes her head. "You know better." I can't help smiling in return at that; she's right. "You need rest because Garrus is going to need you when he wakes up. And you need to eat so that you have some strength." 

"I'll get another - " 

"If you say protein bar, I might put you in a medical coma." 

If it was anyone else, I'd lash out. God knows I want to lash how. How the hell am I supposed to think about food and rest while Garrus is in this condition? The shower was bad enough, I will not be forced away by anyone or anything else. But if Garrus finds out that I yelled at Dr. Chakwas, he'll kick my ass in a sparring ring the first chance he gets. Not that I'll ever admit he can kick my ass. 

"Okay." I take a deep breath. "If I ask Rupert to bring me a sandwich and I make an attempt - a real attempt - at eating it...will you let me stay in here tonight? With him?" 

Chakwas' hard as steel and equally gray gaze softens immediately. "You don't need to make deals with me to stay with him; I was already planning on making up the second bed for you." She smirks and adds, "But since you offered, it's a deal. EDI, would you ask Rupert to prepare a sandwich for the commander as soon as possible?" 

"Yes, Doctor. What kind of sandwich would you prefer, Shepard?" 

I look at Garrus again, finally feeling a smile tugging at my lips. "Peanut butter and jelly. And if he has any pickles, I'll take one on the side." 

*****

Chakwas hovers but seems fairly satisfied with my picking at the sandwich. Besides, I can't actually prove that she's hovering over me and not Garrus. I'm grateful she's here either way. 

Garrus is supposed to be resting, but he's obviously in bad shape. Chakwas has to give him something through an IV twice, once when his blood pressure drops and another time when his heart starts going too fast. Both events make me feel like I'm suffocating all over again, but Garrus pulls through. By the time the hour gets late, Garrus looks like he's just sleeping peacefully. 

It takes me a while to convince Joker to leave to get some sleep after he eats dinner with me and then spends a couple hours vigilant. It takes even longer to convince Chakwas, and she promises to be back in a few hours to check his vitals again - even though EDI can monitor them and report any issues. I'm grateful to both of them, more than I know how to say, but it's a relief to finally be alone with Garrus. 

The second bed in here has been set up for me, but I have no interest. I stay in the chair at his side instead. I don't even want to talk about being far enough away that I can't touch him. Not until he wakes up and tells me to stop, that is. 

I'm not naive. Garrus may very well wake up, realize that he doesn't need me to survive a war with three mercenary gangs anymore, and come to his senses. And his senses should tell him to get the hell away from me. Maybe he'll at least let me apologize first. Maybe he'll even stay on for the mission. That feels likely; Garrus wouldn't leave me here alone with Cerberus, even though I abandoned him on the Citadel. 

"It all seems so stupid now," I tell him...or the room. I don't know. "I remember being so worried about that xenophobic graffiti, you remember? Hackett made some nonsense comment about it, he wasn't even upset, and I couldn't eat that day. God, I was stupid." I wonder if somewhere he can feel my fingers running over his fringe. "I had something so great, and I threw it away. And for what? Things that seem so trivial now." 

Garrus' intact mandible twitches, such a tiny bit that it's probably nothing. But maybe it's something. And I kind of prefer believing that he can hear me. 

"You know that week I was at your apartment?" A smile comes unbidden at the memories. Falling asleep next to Garrus, waking up in his arms, and all the sex before and after both was incredible, but it wasn't my favorite part. The mundane things stand out most. Getting dressed together, eating dinner in his kitchen, going through nightly routines side by side. It felt comfortable. Like being with family. "That was one of the best times of my life. I never should have left. And now...I don't know if I'll ever have a chance to tell you how sorry I am. Or if you want to hear it." 

My fingers graze the edge of the bandage on his chest, far enough away that I'm confident I'm not going to hurt him further. He's going to be in massive amounts of pain when he wakes up. 

"For fuck's sake, Garrus, only you would try to catch a rocket with your face." No reaction, of course. Why did I expect one? "You would have laughed if you heard that. Because I'm hilarious. As you know." 

I can't keep the smile on my face if he isn't smiling, too. And as much as I want to, I can't keep standing by his side all night. I'm not going to tell Chakwas about it, but my poor sleep and lack of real food lately is taking a toll. I need rest...but the other bed just feels too far away. 

I grab the blanket and pillow from that bed and return to the chair I'd been in earlier, pulling it closer now. I stay on Garrus's left, his uninjured side, and put the pillow on the back of the chair behind me. I wrap the blanket around my shoulders and try to curl up in the chair as best I can, facing Garrus and resting my head on the pillow. I don't want to lose sight of him, even if I have to close my eyes. 

"I'm gonna do this right this time, Garrus," I promise him, even though I know he can't hear me. "I love you. Always did. I'll prove it." 

*****

Waking up in horrible, bone-deep, sharp pain is disorienting in the worst possible way. It doesn't help that I have absolutely no idea where I am. 

Panic grips me and takes my breath away, my lungs seizing. It's for the best, though, that I can't breathe or make any noise. If I was taken and one of those fucking mercs has me, I need to not draw their attention. 

The pain is nauseating, dizzying, all-encompassing, and...and then it's not. Then it starts to fade. Slowly. Something heavy washes through me. It's not the comforting sort of heavy, like a blanket, but it eases the pain, and so I don't much care. 

Maybe this is it. The pain was the final act, the final bit of torture whichever merc group grabbed me decided to inflict, and this release from that pain is the end. It's - 

"Garrus?" 

My heart stutters, and it's only then that I realize something is beeping near my head. I can't move to find the source without blinding pain and...and then Dr. Chakwas is in front of me. I must already be dead. Except...she got away from the Normandy. 

The Normandy. That's where I am. I move my eyes as much as I can without moving my head; some of the machinery is different, but I know this place. I've been in this place before. The Med Bay. On the Normandy. This ship that blew up. 

"What the hell is going on?" 

I mean to say that to myself and only realize it was me who said it aloud, the voice I hear raspy and unfamiliar, when Dr. Chakwas chuckles gently and gives me a very kind smile. "Welcome back to the Normandy, Garrus. There's a lot to explain, but none of it matters right now. Do you remember what happened to you? During the battle on Omega?" 

I close my eyes when an entire different sort of pain flares through my chest. Omega. My team...Devon...Sidonis. "I was betrayed. The mercs wanted to do war. A rocket." 

"Yes, from a gunship. You sustained a significant amount of damage to your right shoulder, your chest, and...and your face." Dr. Chakwas takes a breath. "You also sustained multiple gunshots." 

"Right, the machine gun on the gunship." 

Chakwas huffs out a soft laugh. "You are the only person I know can talk about being shot and blown up by a gunship so casually." 

I don't even try to smile; it would hurt like hell. I also don't dare tell her that I feel anything but casual. I feel a suffocating, crushing pain in my chest. The loss of everyone I've trusted, everyone who trusted me, everyone I loved over the last two years. And now...what else have I lost?

I flex my right hand, my dominant hand. Pain shoots up to my shoulders but as far I can tell, everything moves. I'm scared to look, though. 

"Garrus, don't. Not yet." She puts her hand down on my forearm and squeezes lightly. The touch is comforting. "We'll do some more tests when things aren't quite so fresh, but I have a feeling you'll be back on a battlefield in no time. And probably far sooner than I'd like." 

That one almost gets me to laugh. 

"We should be quiet," Dr. Chakwas breathes, smiling as well. "We don't want to wake her." 

"Her?"

The doctor's smile grows, lighting up her face like I've never seen before, and then she looks down. I follow her gaze down to the bed. It takes me a moment to realize what I'm looking at, it all feels so impossible. The red hair sprawled across my lap, that face... I've seen it in my dreams every night for two years. But this...this isn't a dream. 

"She's here." 

I hear the crack in my voice and my subtones kick into gear, humming in a combination of flexes on my secondary vocal chord that haven't had any work for two years. They sound foreign to me now, after all this time. 

And as impossible as it all seems - knowing for certain that this woman died, remembering going through escape pods and not finding her - there's not a single part of me that's unsure this is real. I can feel every cell in my body vibrating, coming back to life in recognition of the other part of my soul. Whether or not Shepard knows it, my soul has been incomplete without her. 

I can almost feel it clicking back into place now, watching Shepard sleep soundly. I lift my left hand, inches from hers like she'd been holding my fingers, and reach for her...but hesitate. What if I touch her, and this is all just a nightmare? What if I lose her again?

"I remember her being on Omega, but...I think I thought she was a hallucination," I confess to Chakwas. "I'd been... I'd thought of her earlier. Thought I could...smell her." 

"You'd been awake for more than a week, from what I understand. Hallucinations are normal. But I can assure you that this Shepard is not a hallucination."   
I know. I know her. 

I move my hand forward again, daring only to tuck a lock of red hair behind her ear and grazing the lobe on the way down. I cover her hand with mine, careful not to wake her. "Is she okay?"

Dr. Chakwas doesn't answer for long enough that I look up at her, dragging my eyes away from Shepard's face even though it's agonizing. The worry on her face makes me feel sick, but I don't think it's all for Shepard. "The two of you are going to be just fine now, I think." She smiles, but her eyes go stern when she adds, "But you need rest. You need to sleep, Garrus, and so does she. If you're in pain, I can give you -" 

"No," I interject, instinctively trying to shake my head and regretting it in an instant. "No, what you gave me already is enough. I want to be coherent in the morning." I look back down at Shepard. "I need to..." 

"Alright." Dr. Chakwas does something on the monitors beside the bed that makes the beeping stop, even though the data remains. When it's quiet, I can hear Shepard's deep breathing and find it soothing in a way painkillers could never be. "Sleep now, Garrus. She will be here when you wake up." 

A whiff of citrus and cinnamon reaches my nose, and I let myself relax into sleep, knowing that I'll wake up whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand now because the world has gone to shit and everyone deserves a break...a second chapter for the week. Enjoy!


	7. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter for the week! I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and that this does a little something to make you smile.

Distant voices, some kind of machinery...for a moment, I expect to hear Miranda screaming at me to get up over a very loud speaker again. I squeeze my eyes closed against it, not ready to give up sleep. 

"Shh," someone whispers, those voices breaking through the fog a little now. I know that voice. Something about it speaks to me, pulls at me. But...

"Let her wake up," a different voice responds. "You know she'll wanna see you." This one is familiar, too, but doesn't have the same effect. 

The first voice speaks again, and something warm crashes through me. "No, Chakwas said she hasn't been sleeping well. I want her to rest. So shut your yap." Both laugh and a rumbling stirs under my head. Something shifts in my hand, moving my fingers. The last time I woke up, things were bad. But this time...that voice, whatever is touching me...I know it. 

Sleep still calls, refusing to release me entirely. It's been too long, and now that my body has it back, trying to break away is...tiring. 

But that voice. I can feel it calling me now, even that the voices are too hard to make out. In an effort to battle out of sleep and wake up, I try to move. My fingers tense around whatever is inside my hand, and then it covers the back of my hand, squeezing. Engulfing my palm in an extremely comforting way, even when I can't see happening. 

"I think she's waking up. I should leave you two alone," the second voice says. I hear some shuffling and then nothing. 

Until something runs lightly over my scalp, pushing my hair back from my forehead. It's almost enough to put my back to sleep, tingling sensations flooding my body. Then it shifts, tucking my hair behind my ear. My heart skips. It grazes down my earlobe, and my breath catches. When my lobe is tugged gently, all of my senses snap to in such a rush that it feels like the entire room tilts. 

My eyes fly open, and I snap my head up, sleep fleeing in an instant. And then there he is. Impossibly blue eyes, stunning smirk, cobalt blue markings. 

"Garrus." 

I can see the smile grow in his eyes but not on his mouth, probably because he's in pain. I don't let my eyes linger on the bandage covering half his face, back to his ear, and down to his shoulder. It doesn't matter. He's awake and alive and smiling to see me. 

"Shepard. This time I'm certain you're real. Well...mostly." 

"If I'm being honest, it feels more like I'm still dreaming," I confess, itching to get out of the chair and closer to him. I shift instead, hoping not to push my luck. "I don't think Chakwas expected you to be up yet." 

He chuckles softly. "Yeah, she threatened to put me back under with drugs when I woke up this morning. I only managed to calm her down by agreeing to take painkillers - much less strong painkillers." That brings me to my feet. 

"Are you in pain?" I reach for him without thinking about it, my hand landing on the center of his bare chest. Garrus gasps and flinches like I burned him, and I jerk my hand away, heat flooding my cheeks. That reaction wasn't because I hurt him...it was because I touched him. "Habit. I'm sorry." 

I pull my hand out of under his and grip the blanket again, wishing I wasn't such an idiot. It's been two years; we're basically strangers now. And the last time we were together...

"Shepard, I..." His hand lifts and then covers mine again, warm now and oh so comforting. "It just surprised me. It's been a while." 

Now it's my turn to laugh, but there's no humor in the sound. "It's really weird for me. I feel kinda like I just took a nap and then...I lost two years. And I woke up with no one here, no one to trust." My eyes burn, and I clear my throat, realizing how much I just spilled on a guy who hasn't seen me in forever and is basically my ex-boyfriend. Oh, and who thought I was dead yesterday. Nice. 

"Hey...look at me." I shake my head, refusing, and look away. My cheeks are still burning, and I don't want to face my shame. "Elle." 

OK, that gets me looking. 

"I'm here now," he breathes, squeezing my hands. "I'll fight with you, you know that." 

"I know." Warmth settles in my chest, easing some of the pressure already. If nothing else, I'll have Garrus on my six when I walk into battle, and that means a whole lot more than nothing. "I don't think we'll be getting you into battle soon, though." 

Garrus scoffs, just like I knew he would. "I'll be on my feet in no time, don't you worry." 

"Yeah, well, your armor is shot to hell." 

"Not just my armor." He motions toward his face and grimaces a little. "Chakwas said I'll have full functionality, but...she wouldn't let me see a mirror. How bad is it?"

_You're still the most beautiful man I've ever known._

"Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some paint on there, and you won't be able to tell the difference." 

He barks out a laugh, genuine and warm, but then winces and hisses in pain. "Damn it, don't make me laugh. My face is barely holding together as it is." Garrus moves one hand up like he plans to rub his jaw but then hesitates, dropping it back to his lap. "You know, some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are Krogan." 

"Well, maybe we'll detour to Tuchanka and find you some fun," I joke, rolling my eyes at him. 

"You know, I'm more worried about you, Shepard," he says, his voice serious. "Cerberus?" I can tell by the tone of his voice that Garrus remembers as well as I did that they did some horrible things. They probably still are doing horrible things. 

I give Garrus a quick rundown of the mission, the way that Cerberus got me to agree to this. He grows serious while I speak and agrees that what I've heard is true; the Council and the Alliance have done nothing to take down the Reapers or even continue in that mission. 

"This is why I'm glad you're here, Garrus," I admit, leaning on the edge of his bed. "If I'm walking into hell, I want someone I can trust at my side." 

"You realize this plan has me walking into hell, too?" he quips. Garrus smirks and cocks his head. "Just like old times." 

I laugh and shrug, hoping I manage to look innocent. It won't be the first suicide mission I've dragged this guy on. It also won't be the first time Garrus has trusted me without question. With Tali having shot me down, Anderson's stiff email, and no one else even around, Garrus' loyalty means more than ever. 

And I failed to be there for him when he clearly needed me most. 

He reaches out slowly, and I think he’s going to touch my face, but his fingers move to my collar, and I hear the tap of his talons on the gold. “That’s unexpected,” he breathes, something heavy in his tone.

“All of my things were replaced,” I explain. “I haven’t taken this off since I found it. I needed an archangel.” Garrus’s eyes light up for the briefest of moments before that light is extinguished by pain I don’t think is physical. "You know, you promised to tell me about Omega and how you ended up on that bridge if I got you out alive," I remind him. 

Garrus scoffs. "You got me out after I ate a rocket. Does not count." 

"Or...you don't want to talk about it. That sounds just like old times if we reversed roles." Now he laughs softly and rolls his eyes but very decidedly does not look at me. He avoids my eye. And that tells me more than anything he could possibly say. "I'll let it go until you're out of Med Bay." 

"Shepard - " 

I squeeze his hand and urge, "You can tell me anything, you know that." 

"No, I don't," he snaps, voice hard now before yanking his hand back. It's like a shot in the gut. "I don't..." 

"It's OK. I get it. We aren't...it's not the same." And I don't know if he wants it to be.

The door whooshing open is something of a relief because it cuts this awkward as hell moment short. Garrus and I were never awkward. Two years later, I probably shouldn't be surprised. Some of the relief disappears when Miranda follows Dr. Chakwas in, but I keep myself calm for now. And the way Chakwas smiles when she sees Garrus alive and awake and well is comforting. 

"Always a fast healer," she chuckles, shaking her head and moving for the opposite side of Garrus' bed where she can examine all the screens and doodads attached to him. "Everything looks great, Garrus. How is your pain?"

"Commander, are you ready?" Miranda cuts in before he can answer. 

I don't turn around to respond, "Do I look ready, Miranda?" 

Garrus eyes me and then glances at Miranda, clearly curious. I catch his gaze and roll my eyes, which makes him grin. Miranda still exists, though, so my own smile fades. "Shepard, it's time we get on with things. Officer Vakarian is going to make a full recovery. Meanwhile, Mordin Solus is in a plague quarantine zone. We should go get him." 

"Dr. Solus?" Garrus asks. "You're recruiting him?"

"I need his help dealing with these paralyzing bugs the Collectors have," I explain. "You know him?"

"Yeah, he did great work patching up my crew and for Omega at his clinic. Guy is a total badass, though, and his clinic has the only vaccines to the plague." 

I sigh. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's not at risk. And we should get him back here." It's the last thing I want to say at the moment; I don't want to leave him. I kind of don't want to let him out of my sight ever again, as ridiculous as that is. "Miranda, suit up and get Jacob too. We'll leave as soon as I'm dressed." 

I can almost hear the smug look on her face while she marches out of the room. 

"You do not like her," Garrus notes with a laugh once she's gone. 

"I don't know how anyone likes her. She's the Illusive Man's perfect little puppet, and I don't trust her." Another sigh. "But...she has a point. I need to get Mordin Solus on board and on the mission as soon as possible." 

Garrus must see something in the way I look at him because he gives me a gentle smile. "By the time you get back, I'll be on my feet and ready to go." Chakwas grumbles at that, but he throws a charming little grin at her, and she turns away to hide a smile. This Turian has not lost his magic, that much is for sure. 

"Just...please listen to the doctor and take it easy." I look him in the eye and hope he can see how much this means to me. "There isn't enough of your face left to take another rocket, OK?"

"Ha ha ha, very funny. Get out." 

I laugh and force myself away, no matter how much I hate any distance between us. The sooner I get done on Omega, the sooner I can get back here and back to Garrus. Right where I belong. 

The question is whether or not he still wants me there. 

Mordin Solus is every bit as brilliant as I've heard and as the Illusive Man expected him to be. And he's also every bit as deadly as Garrus told us, more than holding his own against the mercs trying to use the chaos caused by the plague to take over the residential area. He's also driven and quickly dedicates himself to the cause once he gives his assistant control of his clinic. 

I'm eager to get back on the ship and plan on asking Jacob to get Mordin settled in the tech lab, but the sight of Med Bay with the windows shuttered again turns my blood cold. Anything else, any other priorities, flood away from me, and I rush toward the room, grateful the doors are open. 

Inside, Garrus is sitting up, which should be a good thing. The hacking cough shaking his entire body and the pale gray of his plates are definitely not good, however. Chakwas is by his side, wearing a mask and pressing a stethoscope to his chest. "What happened?" I demand, hurrying toward him. 

"I'm fine," Garrus protests, his voice weak and raspy. When I get closer, I can hear him wheezing. 

"Mask," Chakwas commands, pointing to a box. 

"No need," Mordin interjects, stepping forward and putting his hands on Garrus' throat to feel for something immediately. "Plague. Humans immune. Archangel. Heard you were dead. Glad it's untrue." 

Garrus nods a little, wincing when the Salarian doctor presses in a certain spot on his throat. "Not dead. Also, not the plague. You..." He breaks off to cough, the sound harsh. I have to ball my fists to keep from touching him, especially when he shudders. "You vaccinated the whole crew," he pants once the coughing stops. 

"Severe injury lowers immunity. Vaccine failed. Plague." Mordin's shotgun manner of speech was started to irk me a little on Omega, but in this case, I appreciate it. Quick and to the point.

"Can you treat him?" I ask. "Will he be okay?"

"I'm fine," Garrus repeats. My heart stalls when his hand extends to me, and I accept it, moving to his side. His palm is too hot and sweaty now, a big change from the nearly lifeless cold I felt on him yesterday, but I'm not sure it's a better one. 

"Have treatment, yes. Injuries will complicate recovery." 

"What does that mean?"

Chakwas gives me a gentle look. "Garrus' lungs are starting to fill with fluid, and his fever is very high. Like Dr. Solus said, severe injury and surgeries can both complicate immunity." She looks at Garrus and my stomach knots when I watch her face fall a little. "Garrus is very sick." 

He starts to shake his head, but I cut him off and warn him, "If you even think about telling us that you're fine again, I'll smack you, Garrus Vakarian. You're sick, and you're going to stay right here and get treatment." 

"No, not here. Not here," Garrus argues, pushing his way off the bed even while he's obviously shaky and maybe even a little dizzy. He shoves at Mordin, who doesn't seem to mind it, so I move to stand in front of him. "Shepard," he mutters, leaning on me instead of moving me. I brace myself to keep from falling and let him wrap an arm around my shoulders. It should be comforting. It should be everything to be back in his arms. But with Garrus uneasy on his feet and blue eyes becoming glazed over, I would prefer him in the bed. 

"OK, big guy, take it easy." 

"No more hospital, Shepard," Garrus slurs. 

"Shepard, he needs rest and fluids and medicine right now," Chakwas snaps. 

My heart is racing, worried that he's going to pass out and take us all down with him. And terrified that he won't get back up. "Are there any of those that you can't give him upstairs? Garrus, you would rest in my quarters, right?" 

I'm hoping he remembers the concussion; I'm hoping he still trusts me. 

"Just not here," Garrus pants. It's not exactly approval, but it is a step forward. It means I can get him upstairs and then into treatment, and that means I can keep an eye on him. 

"I'm comfortable treating him upstairs, yes." 

I look to Mordin, who gives an awkward sort of shoulder motion I assume is a shrug. "Anything better than Omega." Garrus huffs out a laugh at that which would be a good sign if it didn't send him into another coughing fit. This one is bad enough that Chakwas presses an oxygen mask to his face until it passes, and by the time it does, I need Jacob to help me keep holding him up. 

"Come on, big guy, you're gonna be okay," I tell him, continuing to talk to him while we get him upstairs, so Garrus has an idea of what's going on. I don't think he's coherent enough to know on his own. "Wait until you see the size of my bed now. It's absurd," I tell him on the elevator. 

Garrus makes a noise that's kind of like a laugh. "Wanna take advantage of all that space?" he slurs. 

Now Jacob laughs and has to try to cover it up with a cough. I can't really blame him, though. "Maybe when you're not drowning in your own lungs, okay?" 

We practically drag Garrus inside, and I ask Jacob to just set him down on the couch. And then I dismiss Jacob; I can tell he's not thrilled about that. I want to get Garrus comfortable as soon as possible, but Mordin and Chakwas show up and brush me aside. They give Garrus a series of pills and shots and tests, and I can't blame the guy for looking ready to fade after all that. 

"You can use EDI to reach us if needed," Chakwas tells me when they finish. "EDI will also be monitoring his vitals, just in case. Most of what he needs now, from what I understand based on Mordin's research on the plague, is rest." 

"Agreed. Sleep. Keep warm." 

I nod to them both and thank them, hoping that it doesn't seem like I'm rushing them out. At the door, Chakwas turns and touches my shoulder. "Are you OK, Shepard?" When I frown, she gives me a small smile. "You have had the shock of a lifetime, and then had a traumatic couple of days. We both know Garrus being hurt is a lot worse for you than your own trauma, after all." 

"Yeah, well..." I think about brushing her off and lying, but Garrus shifts a little on my couch and the leather creaks. I want to do better this time, and that means being more open. I may as well be that way with everyone. "You're right. Seeing Garrus like this is..." I shake my head because I don't have the words. 

"His prognosis is fairly positive," Chakwas promises, squeezing my shoulder again. "And I really doubt you're going to let him go now." We both laugh a little at that. "Try to get some rest with him, OK?" 

"I'll try." It's the best I can offer, and she seems to appreciate that. 

Garrus is right where I left him when I walk back to the couch. "Am I hallucinating...or...is that a fish tank on a spaceship?" 

"Oh, I wish you were hallucinating," I assure him, heading for the mini-fridge. Yet another totally ridiculous thing to have in a cabin on a ship. A goddamn warship. But I guess I can be grateful at the moment because I want to give my very sick best friend a drink.

I try to hand him the water bottle and almost retract when I realize he's shaking, but Garrus manages to grasp it. And then his hand plops into his lap like I just handed him a steel ball instead of a bottle of water. He also then promptly dissolves into a coughing fit that looks and sounds painful. I kneel on the couch beside him and take the bottle back while rubbing his back. I have no idea if rubbing or patting a Turian's back helps at all, but I can't stand feeling so useless with him. 

"You okay?" I ask while he wheezes to try and catch his breath. He just kind of moans in response. That can't be a good sign. "Let me help." I unscrew the cap on the water bottle and bring it to his mouth, but Garrus turns his head weakly. 

"Don't," he groans. 

"Garrus, please. You need to drink water." 

"I don't...need...to be fed," he coughs out. "Not a baby." 

I bark out a laugh, and Garrus turns his head back toward me to shoot the best daggers he can manage right now. That would be funny too if his normally blazing blue eyes didn't look far too dull. 

"OK, well, let's put it this way." I shift closer and hold up the bottle. "If you don't drink water, you will die. And if you die...I have no idea how I'm supposed to do any of...this." I wave around the room and know that even very ill, he understands. "And if you die on my watch, Chakwas will probably kill me for not following her rules to take care of you." 

Garrus groans loudly, far more dramatically than anything I've ever seen him do before. 

"Oh, my God. Did Garrus Vakarian - Archangel - just whine at me?" 

"Gonna shoot you next," he grumbles. "Water." He holds up his hand, and I try not to look too smug while helping him take a few sips. He winces and pushes me away. Well, he puts his hand up a little, and I assume the effort is to push me away. "Cold." 

"Did you want warm water, ya freak?"

He makes a noise that would be a laugh, I think, if he had something less than what sounds like glass in his throat. "Cold room." I notice then that he's shivering, and my heart leaps into my throat. I didn't even see Garrus shiver on Noveria. 

I put the water aside quickly and press my hand to his forehead. The guy has always been like a living heater, but now he's burning up. Like, I'm pretty sure he could burn my skin. "EDI, please turn the temperature up in this room," I call, bringing Chakwas up in a call on my 'Tool. "Garrus is a lot warmer than he was a few minutes ago. What's happening?" 

"Fever spiking," Mordin answers instead. "Reaction to vaccine. Uncommon reaction." 

"What do I do?" If the Salarian thought that telling me Garrus' reaction was uncommon would somehow help, he was severely mistaken. 

"Shepard, relax," Chakwas replies, her voice low and calming. "There isn't much that you can do. Offer him water, get him into bed under the blankets, keep him warm." 

"I-I had EDI raise the temperature," I tell her, forced to my feet because it feels like my skin is crawling. "Is that OK?"

"That's smart, Shepard, yes. You're doing well. Sleep is what he needs to let his body heal and get the time he needs for the vaccines to take effect. OK?"   
I nod even though she can't see me. "OK." 

"I'm right here if you need anything. Call or have EDI reach me, and one of us will be up," Chakwas promises. "He'll need more medicines in a few hours so I can check on him then." 

"Okay, good. That'll be good." Chakwas reassures me once more - and definitely not enough times - that he'll be okay and that I'm not going to kill him, and then I let her off the call. "Alright," I say to Garrus. I only know he's still awake because I can see a bit of his blue eyes under heavy lids. "We need to get you in bed." 

Garrus wants to argue, I'm sure, but a shiver wracks him hard enough that I hear his teeth chatter. I don't give him a chance before reaching forward and taking him under the uninjured arm. I manage to get my arm behind him and then shift his shoulder under mine, taking a good deal of his weight on me to lift him up. And...I manage it. 

How do I manage it? I'll have to deal with being about to lift someone at least twice as heavy as me later. 

Right now, it's a good thing because Garrus needs help getting into my bed. I throw back the covers and then guide him down, making sure to fold a pillow in half to support his head and fringe. Garrus lays on his intact side, facing away from the fish tank, in the middle of this enormous bed. It occurs to me that he's on the wrong side...but that's only true if I get in with him, I suppose. 

I pull the blankets all the way up to his chin and tuck him in carefully, being mindful of all his injuries. I think he's likely too out of it to even notice the pain. Or Chakwas did an excellent job with the painkillers. Either way, he still manages to reach out and catch my hand. "Your bed," he grumbles. 

"It's...a bed." I don't dare look up at the skylight I can feel bearing down on me. "I've more made a bed from the couch. I can’t sleep under that window. But...you need to sleep." 

"You, too." He manages to make that sound like an accusation without opening his eyes and barely opening his mouth. 

"I need to keep you and Chakwas out of the same room, apparently." His total lack of reaction to that is definitely not a good sign. I can still hear his teeth chattering, too. If I didn't think it would make me look ridiculous, I'd call Chakwas again. "I need you to get warm, too. Although why I should warm you up when you're physically burning is beyond me." 

"Freezing," Garrus argues, squeezing my hand. "Please."

"I don't...I don't know how, Garrus, I'm sorry." 

Garrus exhales, coughs, and then winces, but he opens his eyes and looks right at me. "Come to bed. Please." 

My mouth goes completely dry, and not just at the thought of being in bed with Garrus. It occurs to me that I actually do know a way to warm him up, and that would keep from having to pull me into this bed. This bed that I hate. He coughs again, and the decision is made for me. There's no way I can let him get or feel worse. 

"Okay. I guess we're doing this. You probably won't remember any of this. That either makes it better or worse." 

I think my hands are about to start shaking when I pull my shirt off over my head. At least Garrus' eyes are closed again, though he stirs a bit when I have to take my hand out of his. My boots come off next while I unbutton my pants, and when I kick them away, one clambering across the floor makes Garrus open his eyes again. He coughs, and I think this time, it's more from shock than anything else. 

"What..." 

"You need to be warm." I force myself to think about it clinically, logically, only in terms of Garrus' illness and his needs. I refuse to let myself think about getting into bed with Garrus in only my underwear and bra, or about how little he's wearing, or about our bodies - 

Fuck, this is going to hurt later. 

"Humans have a lot of body heat. Warm-blooded, remember?" I slip under the blankets before I can talk myself out of it. He's somehow shivering and so damn warm all at the same time. I can see him start to reach for me, more for the warmth than anything else I'm sure, but he pulls back and shudders. "You're cold. Chakwas said warming you up would break your fever so...I want to help you warm up." 

His gaze stays almost too firmly on my face. I don't know what to make of that, but it makes me feel a little nauseous. 

"The whole body heat thing...it really only works if we're close together. Touching." 

"Touching," Garrus echoes, his voice even raspier now. I nod, not sure that I can form actual words at the moment. Garrus might be sick, but he's still Garrus, and it's not like he's been ill for a long time. He's been working out, and in just shorts and a t-shirt, it's very obvious. The bandages, even on his face, don't distract from how damn beautiful he is. 

And how sick he so obviously is does not distract from how nervous he is.

"Garrus, you can say no. I understand, I just - " 

"No, please. Please. I'm so cold." His voice cracks, and he coughs again, the crackling in his lungs audible and painful to listen to. I move closer, entirely tense, and full of knots in places I didn't know could knot until I reach out for him. 

My arms fit around his back exactly the way I remember, and our legs tangle together like the lines of our bodies are supposed to fit. Garrus gives a full-body shudder and runs his hands over my back, the frantic speed giving away that it is not about me or touch or anything other than warmth. And that floods relief all the way through me. 

"Shh, relax," I breathe, rubbing his back carefully to avoid any of the bullet wound bandages. And trying not to consider how close to his spine some of them are. Garrus is almost panicking, each breath a wheeze, and I remember hearing people like this on Omega in the quarantine zone. He's sick, so sick. "Easy, big guy, breathe with me, OK? You're gonna be okay." 

A few more shivers and shockwaves rush through him, but Garrus starts to settle down slowly. I continue to murmur to him and breathe slowly, resting my head against his carapace even though I start sweating in moments. Finally, his body eases, and I feel him sink into the mattress. It's almost like I can feel the medicine taking hold of him and easing him under. 

For the first time since waking up, I feel completely at ease. My body and my mind both relax, and even the skylight doesn't seem as intimidating as it did just a few minutes ago. I feel...safe. Secure. I'm alive again, and now I'm okay. 

"Thank you for coming back, Garrus," I murmur, rubbing my face against his shirt while his breaths shift into shallow, soft snores. It sounds like a purr under my ear, and I love it. "I couldn't do this without you." 

Garrus' arm tightens around me, shivering just a little less now, and I close my eyes to slip away. Sleep beckons, and I'm not terrified of it. Even if the nightmares come, I have what I need to battle them. 

*****

Waking up is like being in a dream. I remember this, I've fantasized about this...waking up in Shepard's quarters, the room dark and her body warm. I could smell in her my dreams too, but something about that scent right here and right now is so intense, so vibrant that I know for certain it's real. This is not a dream.   
I'm really here. I didn't die on Omega, and Shepard isn’t dead anymore, and now I have her in my arms. 

It's a little weird having absolutely no idea of how I got here, though. It takes me a few moments to clear the fog, and then I can recall being in Med Bay, even talking to Shepard while I was there. Chakwas and Joker, too. But getting here...and why does my chest burn like I drowned? My head feels abnormally heavy, and I can't help but wonder if the blue light cascading over everything in the room is real or a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. 

I very carefully shift Shepard so that I can roll onto my back, grateful there are enough pillows on this enormous bed to keep my carapace supported. When I see the fish tank, a few things start coming back to me. Definitely thought that thing was a nightmare. I remember Mordin coming onto the Normandy, too. 

Oh, shit. I had the plague. Or...have it, I guess. I feel pretty okay, though. The ache in my chest reminds me of all the coughing and wheezing, but that doesn't seem to be happening right now. Breathing is a good sign, I assume. 

Shepard makes a soft little noise and cuddles into my side. When my heart leaps into my throat, knocking all the wind out of me on the way, I'm certain the smile on my face is going to split right through my new wounds. And I don't care even one bit. My face could shred every day for this sensation; it's the first time my heart has raced in two years, and its Shepard and Spirits, she smells amazing. 

I tighten my arm around her, and she shifts again, resting her head on my shoulder and turning her face up toward mine with sleepy little blinks. "Hey. You aren't the color of death anymore," she breathes. Shepard rubbing her eyes would be adorable if the great Commander Shepard could be adorable. 

"Well, thanks. I can breathe, too." 

"Basically a new man," she teases though I can see the relief in her very clearly. "You don't feel as warm anymore, either. Are you still freezing?"

I shake my head and start to answer, but the words get trapped in my throat when she shifts. The sight of a very thin strap on her shoulder reminds of one other very important thing. Shepard is not just in bed with me, but she's just about naked. It was something about body heat but who the hell cares because Shepard is naked. 

"Garrus?"

"Oh." I clear my throat and get my bearings. "Uh, no. Not freezing. I, uh...feel okay." She cocks an eyebrow, and I confess, "Okay, I feel like three hundred Krogan stomped all over me, and I'm pretty sure I have half a face, but I can breathe, and I'm taking that as a win." 

She laughs, the sound whole and warm and relieved. "I definitely think that's a win. And..." She checks her Omni-Tool quickly. "Oh, good. And you can take more pain meds." 

Shepard pulls away from me and leans backward, twisting and extending her spine in an incredible way that seems pretty impossible to me. The skip in my heart has me reaching for my chest to anchor myself, but the only thing there is my plates and a shirt. They're missing, and my blood runs cold when I think they might have been lost in the battle. 

"Where are they?" I demand, unsure of who or what I'm actually asking when I shoot upright, still searching my own neck for the chain. 

"Where are what, Garrus?"

I try to throw the blankets aside, and a pull in my shoulder slows me down enough that Shepard can grab my other arm. "No, don't, I-I have to find them. Where is my stuff?" 

"We brought it onboard, Garrus, but what are you looking for?" she asks. I shake my head and move to pull away, to climb out of bed. The room swaying along with the size of this bed makes that difficult. "Hey, come on, big guy. You're a little sick to be running around." I want to pull away again, but then her hand slides over my bicep, and the electrical warmth gives me pause. 

"Shepard, I - " 

"I think I have what you're looking for." 

_Oh, you have no idea._

The sound of metal clinking catches my ear, and I spin around, throwing the risk to my neck and shoulder injuries to the wind. Shepard still has a hold of my arm as she leans back from the nightstand, holding a set of dog tags from a chain. I start to reach for them on instinct but stop myself; I can't exactly take them away from the person they belong to. 

"You were wearing them when we brought you back to the Normandy," she murmurs, holding the tags in her palm and looking down at them. She seems thoughtful but not annoyed. And she did leave them for me after all; I'm pathetic, not a thief. 

I'm honest, too. "I've been wearing them since I found them in my apartment, Shepard." 

"Why?" she asks. The question is supposed to be innocent, I'm sure, but it's like a smack in the face. She can't expect me to bare my soul after all this time. It must show on my face because after just a second, she adds, "I'm sorry, I don't...you don't have to talk until you're ready." 

"Thanks," I manage to mutter. 

Shepard shifts, moving to kneel in front of me. It's like a fantasy I must have had hundreds of times over the last two years, Shepard crawling to me in a dark room and having her way with me. A heat stirs in my core where it's taken so much effort to get any heat at all before this, and I want to shift, to relieve the pressure, but I can't move. I can barely breathe. 

"Here." She leans forward and very carefully to avoid hurting my face, puts her dog tags back around my neck. The moment the cool metal touches me, even faint through my shirt, a weight lifts, and I release a sigh. It's like having a piece of me returned. "You should keep them." 

Grateful as I am, I frown at her. Well, frown as much as I can with my face like this. "Why? You're back, they're yours." 

"Do you remember what I told you about them? Do you...do you know why I left them for you." 

My throat threatens to close, but I swallow and press on. I need to know. "I remember what you said, the human tradition of promises to return and staying connected. But I...I don't know if I ever understood why you left them for me when you..." 

Dumped me. Still can't say it. It's worse now, actually. 

I try to look away, shame settling in my gut, but Shepard runs her fingers lightly over the uninjured side of my face and then slips them under my jaw to pull my face back up to meet hers. "You do know why," she whispers. I have about a split second of panic when I think she's going to make me respond to that, but then she smiles and pulls away. "Let's get those pain meds in you and then get you back to sleep, OK?"

I manage a nod, managing to look like a total noob in our first real conversation. Having the tags back is comforting, but the way she's behaving is...odd. I accept the pills and the water and try not to think too much about it when she lays back down beside me. She finds a shirt and pulls that on, but I can't decide why if she was naked before. And I can't ask. Can I? No, we barely know each other now. Joker said that Shepard is supposed to be exactly the same as she was, but I am definitely not the Garrus that she knew. 

She left me her dog tags after dumping me. She made a promise to come back. And I remember feeling certain then, even through my heartbreak, that Shepard and I weren't really done. But that was two years and a whole lifetime ago. I don't know if that can still be true now. 

And...it's Shepard. She will always be my bondmate, I'll always want her just as badly as I do right now and as badly as I ever have. But even now, wearing her tags and after she saved my life, when Shepard lays down beside me, I wonder if she'll want me here in the morning. Two years isn't so long that I've forgotten the pain, and if she's the same...then she may still not want me enough. 

Shepard is back, but I don't know if that means we'll ever be okay again. 

*****

“Stop thinking so much,” I tell Garrus. I’m aware that I’ve already made massive mistakes, I’ve already shoved my foot in my mouth. He’s already winced when I touched him and pulled away, and whether or not that’s from his trauma or my past, I’ve clearly got a lot of distance to bridge between us. 

But he needs to rest, and I’m putting my foot down about it. 

He gives me a petulant and rather adorable little growl about it, rolling onto his side to face me. I grab the ice pack that Chakwas left when she dropped off more meds and then crack it open to make the bag cool. These things always make me laugh; they’ve been the same since my mother was a child on Earth. 

“Here.” I join him, laying on my side as well with my elbow resting on the pillow and my head on my palm. Looking down at him lets me get the ice where it should be without hurting him. He still winces a little, but I can feel the relief after a moment. And he lets me hold the ice for him; that’s a good sign. 

In another situation, maybe in another lifetime, in my case, this might even be romantic. It’s quiet up here with just a bubble from the fish tank and that blue glow softening the room. 

“You have really gotten an upgrade here, Commander Shepard,” he teases, eyes much clearer now. I need Cerberus to give Mordin a bonus for his plague vaccine. 

I huff out a laugh. “The whole crew has, really. There’s a mess sergeant, and you should see the crew showers.” 

“Yeah, and I heard about Joker’s real leather seat,” he chuckles. 

“Oh, God, he hasn’t changed a bit.” 

Garrus agrees, “No, he has not. Gives me some faith that maybe everything else hasn’t turned upside down.” 

“Yeah...I know exactly what you mean. It’s, uh, kind of weird to imagine everything that could have changed in two years.” I force a laugh and can’t manage to look at him when I admit, "I kind of assumed you would have met someone. Gotten married, maybe had some kids. I figured you'd be on Palaven, moving on with your life." 

It’s not an easy thing to say. He could just tell me that he does still have someone waiting for him; I know nothing about his personal life for the past two years. And I have no right to the sick jealousy that sinks in my gut. I was literally dead and had no claim to him. I still don’t. Ugh, I hate feeling vulnerable. 

Garrus just laughs and rolls his eyes, though, and that makes me laugh. "Still rolling your eyes, are you?" I tease. "How very human." It makes me feel closer to him, and I’m even kind of impressed I was able to impact him enough that he still does human things as simple as eye-rolling. 

"Hitting below the belt, Shepard," he retorts. We laugh together, and it feels good, not just to have the chocolately sound of his laughter wash over me but to feel Garrus relax.

The timer I set on my Tool goes off, signaling I should remove the ice. I drop it back on the bedside table behind me but don’t really feel ready to stop touching him. “Feeling OK?” I ask, using it as an excuse to run my fingers over the bandages and bruises instead. I keep my touch as light as possible and realize that he probably can’t even feel it. 

Garrus doesn’t complain, though, just watching me before he breathes, "I didn't meet anyone. I didn't even look. It was...hard." 

"I'm sorry. I would be lying if I said I'm sorry you didn't find anyone, though." 

I know it’s a mistake the moment I open my mouth, and Garrus' eyes flash. "Yeah, well, finding someone gets tough when the last person you loved strung you along, dumped you, and then died,” he snaps. 

The words hit hard. Especially because he’s right. 

He reaches up and catches my hand to stop the touch. "What are you doing, Shepard? I get needing me on your crew, but this...I can't let you hurt me again." 

God, the crack in his voice makes me feel sick. I can taste the bile threatening my throat. And I want to run. I want to shut this down and make an excuse and get away from him. Instead, I force myself to stay. Garrus was always asking me to open up. I twist my hand to catch his fingers, using that to ground myself. 

"I'm gonna do whatever I can to prove to you that I won't hurt you again, Garrus,” I tell him. “This isn’t me pressuring you, though. And I'll be whatever you need me to be while you figure out that you can trust me." 

Garrus looks away. 

"Garrus.” He looks back up at me. “Letting you go is the only regret I had when I died. I will not make that mistake again." 

"Spirits,” he breathes, uninjured mandible flaring. “Shepard, damn it...how can I want you this badly and still be so afraid of you?"

A humorless laugh escapes me. “Can I just hold onto the hope I get from you still wanting me?” I let my eyes fall away, even while he squeezes my hand. I’m not sure I can ever look him in the eyes again...and then I’m not given a choice when he puts a talon under my chin. 

“I wanna have hope too, Elle.” 

The way my heart speeds up nearly chokes me. I have to take a breath to keep from doing something insane like kissing him...shit, I want to kiss him. Instead, I shake my head. Shake it off. 

I lay down beside him again, and we both settle in. Sleep beckons, but the blue light of the fish tank is too bright through my eyelids, so once I think Garrus is asleep, I roll over and away from him. A big hand touches my shoulder a second later, and I almost jump. 

I hear him hesitate, and then Garrus’ voice is low when he asks, “Can I hold you?”  
God. “Please do.” 

Tears fill my eyes when Garrus cuddles up behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist. I fit perfectly here; at the moment, it feels like the only place in the universe I fit. It’s also the only place I’ve felt safe, and it’s that sense of safety that pulls me under again. “Thank you for being here, Garrus.” 

“I’m on your six, kid.”


	8. New

I can't begin to imagine the protocol for waking up in the morning next to your ex-boyfriend and former best friend the day after your reunion, which involved a gunfight, a rocket to the face, and the plague. Part of me wants to look it up on the extranet, I'm so desperate just to get some help with a situation I know could be unbelievably awkward. I hate the idea of being awkward with Garrus. 

An extra dose of painkillers overnight keeps Garrus sound asleep while I wiggle out of his arms. It would have been nice to stay there all day, but Joker started on the way to the Citadel as soon as Mordin got onto the Normandy yesterday. I should probably be professional at some point. Not that I give a shit whether or not Cerberus thinks I'm behaving in any manner they approve of. Even if I did, I have a feeling that ship sailed when I brought a Turian into my bed and spent the night with him. 

I really hope EDI told the Illusive Man about this. 

That gets me smiling on the way into the shower, at least. I don't indulge in the hot water today, though, hurrying through it so that I can be out when Garrus gets up. Well, and dressed. It's one thing to have my new scars exposed when it's dark, even if I know Garrus can see very well in the dark, but with the lights on...I couldn't stand to have his eyes on any more of my body than my face. The glowing orange gashes on my face are bad enough. 

I get dressed in the bathroom and manage to do something with all this goddamn hair. I really like the look, but I don't know if I can handle the maintenance. And yet, that lip gloss is calling to me again. It's ridiculously vain, I know. I wore makeup to a dance once in school on Mindoir; what now, I'm going to start wearing it with my armor? 

The glow from the scar on my cheekbone catches my eye. God, it looks like I was sewn together piece by piece. I guess that's the price you pay when you die. 

I died. In this line of work, I could die again tomorrow. So if I want to wear cute lipgloss today, who can blame me? And if maybe a teensy weensy part of me is wearing it because the hottest guy I know is on my ship - and in my bedroom - that's just being smart. A good soldier has to strategize, after all. 

My strategy pays off when I walk out to find Garrus standing beside my bed, rolling out his injured shoulder. "Are you supposed to be moving that?"

"No idea," he admits. "Wanna break rules with me and help me get these bandages off?" 

I laugh and shake my head at him. "Absolutely not. Chakwas is deadly." He chuckles at that but leaves his shoulder alone for now. "How are you feeling?" 

"Normal again. A little stiff, but..." He throws up his good shoulder in a shrug. "All things considered, I shouldn't be feeling this well." Any response I might have flies out of my head when I watch Garrus' face fall suddenly. He recovers too quickly for me to have a chance to question it. "Thank you for letting me stay up here last night, Shepard. I'll tell our deadly doctor that you were an excellent nurse." 

"Oh, you wish, Vakarian." 

"Oh, you have no idea, Shepard." 

Something warm swells in my chest when the moment feels like two years ago all over again. It's comfortable. Normal. And then Garrus clears his throat and turns away, obviously feeling very different than I am. 

"I should, uh...I should go see Chakwas. And get dressed," he mutters, rubbing his fringe. In my room, wearing my tags, and miles away from me. It stings, but I take a breath and refuse to let it force my walls back up. I made him a promise, and I intend to keep it. 

"Okay. We should be hitting the Citadel sometime early today. Wanna meet me for breakfast in Mess after the check-up for your little boo-boos?" 

Garrus barks out a laugh, and I can see that he's surprised. He'd probably be shocked if he knew that this will be the first time I've eaten in Mess. I wonder if he remembers that last night was the first time I slept in this bed. 

After apparently deciding that I'm not joking or messing with him, Garrus' smile transforms into that sweet, shy one I love so much. "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. I'll, uh...find you." 

He heads for Med Bay, and I force myself not to watch his butt while he walks away. And then I immediately ignore my own orders. Damn, he's sexy. I shouldn't be blamed for that; it's apparently been two years since I got laid. 

I brush it off and head for the lab, where I know the crew was planning to set up Mordin Solus today. Hopefully, he's already at work. I won't be able to restrain Miranda for much longer. 

I walk through the doors and find Jacob already present. "Commander," he greets me with a nod. "I was just welcoming the professor to the Normandy. It's an honor to have him on board. 

"Yes. Very exciting. Cerberus working with aliens. Unexpected. Illusive Man branching out, maybe? Not so human-centric?"

I scoff at that. "Don't kid yourself, Professor. Humans still come first in the Illusive Man's eyes. But this mission is too big for them to handle alone." 

"Yes. Of course. Can't risk being captured like colonists," he says with a firm nod. "Need to identify, neutralize technology. Have samples. Ready to go." 

"Glad to hear it," Jacob replies. He nods at both us and excuses himself, probably heading back to the Armory to hide. I need to make sure he and I are okay after everything that happened on Omega yesterday; I told Miranda off a lot about herself and Cerberus. Jacob works for Cerberus too, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

"Assume Archangel is well today?" Mordin asks, cocking his head at me a little. 

I can't help a smile, relieved at the answer I can give. "He is, yes. The turnaround was kind of amazing. That plague vaccine you cooked up is seriously impressive." 

"Ah...yes. Well." 

So, the Salarian doctor is a super genius and all-around badass with outstanding morals who just so happens to be humble. I am going to like this guy. 

"Garrus, by the way," I add. "Archangel's name is Garrus. He's getting a check-up with Dr. Chakwas, but I assume he'll be by later to introduce himself. Or reintroduce himself, I guess." 

Mordin smirks, the corner of his mouth curving up. "Will be nice to meet the real Archangel." 

Yep, I definitely like the professor. 

"So. Is the lab working out for you, Professor?" 

"Quite satisfactory," he tells me with a confident nod. "Found a few surveillance bugs. Destroyed most of them. Returned expensive one to Miranda. Nothing unexpected. Just need more samples." He looks up from his work. "Collector data, tissue samples, new tech...anything you can get, I can use." 

"I'll keep an eye out, no problem." I point to the stool on the opposite side of the table from him, and Mordin nods, so I pull it over and sit down. "If you have a minute, I'd love to chat. Get to know you." 

He freezes for a moment, staring at me. "Normal procedure? Or because I saved your mate?"

"My...oh." I have to force out a cough to survive the knot that forms in my throat and threatens to choke me. "He's not my...my mate." Mordin cocks his head at that, almost skeptical. I choose not to consider it. I also choose to keep my open and honest trend when it comes to the Turian, who is not my mate. "He does mean a lot to me, though, so I'm very grateful. But this is normal procedure. I like to know my crew." 

"Good answer," he chirps, straightening up a little. "Have time. Plague on Omega dealt with. Plenty of time to analyze Collector intelligence. Impressive laboratory setup. Missed working for operation with a budget. AI, in particular, very helpful. Best setup I've seen since working with Special Tasks Group." 

I raise my brow at that. "STG is supposed to be pretty hardcore, right?" 

"Respected organization, yes," he agrees. "Clandestine. Handles difficult assignments with limited oversight. Recon, analysis, occasional wet-work. Identify problems, have neutralization options ready should need arise. Model for Council Sprectres based on Special Tasks Groups." 

"They sound similar, for sure," I agree. "But why do the Salarians need their own force of Spectres?"

"Salarians lack numbers like Asari or brute strength like Krogan or military prowess like Turians." I have to ignore his likely unintentional skip of humans. I'm glad Garrus wasn't around to hear it; I'd never live that down. "Have to rely upon stealth, superior intelligence. Agents trusted, given wide operative freedom. Given goals, told to accomplish. Like Spectres. Better funded, of course. Didn't have to buy our own weapons." 

"Well, shit, can I switch special tactics factions?" He chuckles at that; it feels kind of nice to know I can make the spy and scientist with superior intelligence chuckle. "So, what kind of work did you do with the STG?"

"Some research. Several recon missions. Covert, high risk." I can tell he's proud of that. "Served under young captain named Kirrahe. Studied Krogan genophage."   
"Oh, I worked with an STG captain named Kirrahe! His team helped me destroy Saren's cloning facility on Virmire." 

Mordin smiles. "Heard he was part of that! Jury rigged explosive? Always got job done with limited resources. Good captain. Bit of cloaca, though," he adds, almost thoughtfully, before shaking it off a little. "Probably military bravado. Jargon, chest-pounding. No offense." 

"None taken. Why would STG study the genophage?" 

I'll admit to knowing very little about it; we never really talked about it on the Alliance or back home on Mindoir, and whenever I asked Wrex about it, he shut me right down. Well, I asked him once and thought he was going to bite me, so I never brought it up again. And then after Virmire, there was no one who wanted to discuss it - myself included. I know Krogan continue to die but not much else. 

Mordin drops his head when he responds, something like sorrow or shame washing over him. "Krogan Rebellions bloody, dangerous. Nearly as bad as Rachni attacks. All species evolve, adapt, mutate. If genophage weakens, need to be prepared." 

I...do not like the sound of that. 

"What was the STG preparing to do?" I ask. 

"Military schematics for likely Krogan population growth. Political scenarios for attack points," he answered casually. "Genophage reduced Krogan numbers. Species aggression unchecked. Population explosion would be disastrous. STG helped check Krogan Rebellions. Needed to be ready to do the same." He waves it off again, which tells me that he can see my reaction. "Simple recon. Nothing to worry about." 

I let it go for now. We don't know each other well enough to debate the morality of the Krogan genophage - especially if he was so closely involved. 

"It must have been pretty frustrating to go from that to working on Omega with such a limited facility," I note. Which makes what he did even more impressive. 

"No! Loved it!" he objects. "Limited facility presented challenges. Save greatest number of people using limited resources. Security threats, gangs, mercenary groups add additional difficulty. Quite enjoyable. Plague stretched abilities to limit. Couldn't have asked for more." He nods to himself and adds, "Also enjoy saving people, of course. Helping the helpless, greater good. All that, too. Nice retirement after STG work complete." 

For a moment, I wait to see if he's serious about that whole challenges and being stretched to his limits thing. Most people would complain about that. But Mordin's attitude gives me a little hope about our mission. 

I stand up and smile at him. "Welcome to the crew, Mordin. I think you're going to be an excellent fit here, and I'm really glad we have you." 

That manages to surprise him. "Honored to be chosen," he replies. "Looking forward to challenge. Know you will impress." 

I give him a wink for that and head out of the room, going back into CIC and then into the elevator to reach Mess Hall. And hopefully Garrus. The doors open, and Garrus is standing on the other side, looking just as surprised as I feel. "Should I not get my hopes up that you were coming to find me?" 

"He was totally coming to find you," Joker announces, heading toward the table from the kitchen with a tray. 

Garrus rolls his eyes while I try not to smile, and I know he can hear several members of the crew chuckling behind the elevator bay. "And now that it's done, I have a pilot to snap in half." 

"After we eat, please." I step out of the elevator and put my arm through his, tugging him along with me. "Tell me about your check-up. You're wearing a shirt; does that mean the shoulder bandages came off?"

He clears his throat and glances around, noticing that we're in full view of the crew. I can feel their eyes, and there is part of me that wants to run and hide, but more of me loves the way it feels to be with Garrus like this. The way it feels to be touching him again at all. And as much as I hate this sort of attention, especially in front of my crew, I kind of like the idea of people seeing me with him. 

"They did," he responds after gathering his wits. "Chakwas said it looked good, let me downgrade to normal bandages. She also cleared me for duty." 

"Thank God," I tell him, entirely sincere. "Does that mean you'll come onto the Citadel with me today?" 

"Commander!" Rupert greets me, startling me a little. I managed to forget the whole room around Garrus. That really does feel pretty incredible. "Protein bar and black coffee?"

I wince immediately, even before Garrus turns to lean the elbow of his good arm on the counter so that he's closer to face level with me. "Shepard. Tell me you haven't been eating just protein bars and coffee." 

"That's it. Best I can do is a second bar for dinner once or twice," Rupert announces, nodding along like that time my principal told my dad that I didn't finish my science project in third grade. Garrus is doing a disturbingly good impression of my dad, too. "And that's for the entire two weeks she's been on board." 

"Hey! Judas," I snap playfully at Rupert. "I...have not had an appetite. And you don't have room to talk after surviving on stims alone for an entire week - no food, no sleep." 

"I was at war; you have a world-class warship at your disposal. Eat your damn breakfast." Garrus turns back to Rupert and holds out his hand. "I'm Garrus. Would you happen to have bacon?"

There's a moment where I have a tiny bit of panic. Garrus has just introduced himself very casually to someone who works for a human-centric terrorist organization. I haven't actually seen him interact with anyone onboard but Joker and Chakwas. I'm going to have to set this whole ship on fire if these people treat Garrus as some sort of subpar creature. 

The moment passes, and relief swells in my chest when Rupert smiles and accepts the handshake. "Rupert, Mess Sergeant around these parts. And yes, I have bacon. How about you?"

"I'll have what she's having." Garrus narrows his eyes at me. "That'll make you eat, huh?" 

"That is cruel and unusual, and bacon sounds fantastic. Charitas would be better, though." Garrus chuckles, and his eyes sparkle at me for just a second before, yet again, his face falls. That darkness inside him, whatever that is, snuffs out the light every time I get even a tiny glimmer. I have a feeling it'll take more than bacon to fix that. 

We're joining Joker at the table with breakfast and coffee a few minutes later. Garrus and Joker seem to pick back up right where they left off; I wish I could pretend that doesn't make me a little jealous when we've only had glimpses of normal. Their laughter eases the entire room, though, and before I know it, we're joined by Gabby and Ken the engineers, Kelly Chambers, and crewmen Hawthorne, Matthews, and Hadley. Jacob shows up as well, though I think he's already had breakfast. 

I'm not sure who starts the conversation, but a poker game for tonight is scheduled. Garrus dodges efforts to pump him for information about Archangel's kills, and he seems entirely oblivious to the way Gabby and Kelly are looking at him. I, however, can see nothing else. 

I want to touch him. Especially when after almost every smile or laugh, I catch a flash of pain across his face that is not related to the injury. His pain runs much deeper. He's beautiful, and that makes me want to touch him, too. But what do I do if he pushes my hands away? How do I react if he flinches away from my touch?

And what if I never try and then I lose him again?

When my breakfast is finished, I take the tray to the kitchen. I run my hand across the back of Garrus' shoulders before returning to my seat. Simple, easy enough to pass off as comradery if Garrus doesn't like it. But he doesn't flinch or push away. I'm pretty sure I even feel a small shiver from him. And then his blue eyes are on me, hot and hard. 

I give him a smile that I don't try to temper. I smile at him exactly the way that I want to smile at him, showing all the affection I can feel. 

"So, whose dossier is next, Commander?" Jacob asks, leaning back in his chair. 

I take a gulp of coffee, consistently impressed by how strong Rupert manages to make it with the instant bullshit available on the ship. "We're going to the Citadel today and then heading for Purgatory to pick up that biotic, Jack." 

"Purgatory, the Turian prison ship?" Garrus asks, cocking his brow at me. I nod and hide my smile behind my mug. "Please tell me that you're acquiring a guard who works on that ship? Which is honestly still bad because the warden is a sadist." 

"Not a guard, but wait, how do you know him?" 

"My oldest brother had a run-in with that guy over a negotiation for a prisoner," he answers, shaking his head. "I'm just glad I'll be there if you're dealing with him." 

That almost makes me choke on my coffee. I glance at Joker and can tell that he's having the same thoughts, but I know better than to bring it up right now. We're going to have our first big fight since being reunited soon, though - and a lot sooner than I anticipated. 

His mention of his brother reminded me of another thing we need to talk about that Garrus probably won't like, too. And these days, I can't even ply him with sex. 

Fortunately, since I really don't want to sit around and stew in this, conversations and breakfast wraps up. Joker gives us a countdown until we'll arrive on the Citadel, and we part. I follow Garrus to the Main Battery, where he's decided to set-up, and Garrus doesn't complain or ask questions. "You're gonna be warm enough in here?"

"EDI upped the temperature for me, so I'm fine. And I'll wear my armor most of the time." 

"Maybe we should get you some armor without that giant hole in it then," I tease, even if thinking about the damage to his armor and to him makes me feel a little sick. "We'll put it on the Illusive Man's credit chit and write it off for operations." 

"Oh, there's an idea I like. I'm getting top of the line," he quips as we step through the doors. The Main Battery has a soft hum and low lighting that does make it feel kind of comfortable. Until you get a look at the absolutely massive gun in the center of the room. "Hey, are you aware that there are surveillance devices all over this ship? I got my 'Tool back, and it started going off with alerts like crazy. I took them out in Med Bay, the cockpit, Mess Hall, and in here." 

"God, I forget how useful you are. Not just a pretty face, Vakarian." He graces me with an eye roll, and we share a laugh. "Could you come upstairs later and take out the devices in the bedroom?" 

"The surveillance devices or your vibrator?" he quips. My jaw hits the floor and laughs harder than I've heard him laugh in a long time at my surprise. "Come on, Shepard. You thought I didn't know about it?"

"OK, I can't. We aren't talking about this right now." I can feel my face on fire. How did he know? He could he possibly have known? Damn Turian and his super senses, he could probably smell it. Oh, fuck. 

Garrus laughs and leans against the console, crossing his arms over his chest. The injured arm seems a bit stiff, but other than the bandage on his face, you'd never know that he took a rocket blast yesterday. "So what are we talking about? You have something on your mind." 

Here goes nothing. 

"I wanna talk to you about the mission on Purgatory." Garrus nods, focused and business-like. "We have a long mission ahead of us with the Collectors and Reapers. We need to make sure we can get the finish line, you know?"

"Sure." 

I take a breath. "I think it's best if you get a little more rest and skip the Purgatory mission." 

"What?" He laughs, but it's forced and humorless. I want to look away from his stare, which gains intensity by the second. "Shepard...explain." 

"Does it really need an explanation? Garrus, you were very seriously injured and then got so sick. Less than twenty-four hours ago, you were in surgery, and I didn't know if you - " I cut myself off when my voice breaks. His gaze softens just a bit but not enough to make me believe he's not still pissed. "I need you to take more time to heal so that I know you'll be around for the long run." 

"Shepard, you came and got me from Omega for a reason, right? You wanted me on your six. Has that changed?" 

I shake my head and resist the urge to touch him. "Of course not! I don't want to do any mission without you, but - " 

"Then don't!" he interjects, voice getting unnaturally high. "I need to be involved. Someone needs to keep an eye on Cerberus." 

It feels like a smack in the face. Garrus doesn't feel left out, and he's not protesting staying behind on the mission because he's worried about me. This is about Cerberus, about us working on their dime. This is about Garrus not being able to trust me to work with them without becoming them. 

I thought he knew me better than this. Maybe he did two years ago. Maybe now he's not sure who I am. 

But knowing that this man, the person I've trusted more than anyone my entire life, no longer trusts me...that makes me feel like staying dead would have been better. It makes me feel less than alive. 

It also pisses me the fuck off. 

"You're not coming on the mission. You're benched. I'd like you to spend the day on the Citadel with me, but I won't force you if you're pissed at me." 

"I..." Garrus drops his head and swears at himself. "I wanna..." He's struggling with the words, and I have so many of them. When did we switch roles?

"I want to spend the day on the Citadel with you, Garrus,” I repeat. “I didn't want to start a fight first, but you'd be more pissed if I told you later." 

Garrus shakes his head and steps closer, lifting his hand like he might touch me and then stopping. I want so badly to take his hand and put it on me. "We won't be at Purgatory until tomorrow night. Will you at least talk to Chakwas tomorrow, before the mission, and take her thoughts into consideration? She did clear me, Shepard, and you know she wouldn't take it easy on me." 

He has a point there. Still...

"I'm keeping an eye on Cerberus, Garrus." 

"I know that." He blinks and frowns. "Of course you are. You're not a fucking terrorist." He smirks a little and adds, "And I happen to know that you don't share their opinions about aliens." 

That breaks all the tension left inside me, and he smiles genuinely when I laugh. I almost thank him for it, but I can tell he knows. 

And he trusts me. At least enough to watch Cerberus. But maybe not enough to watch them without him. Or maybe he wants someone watching me. God knows someone should have been watching him for the last two years. 

Now isn’t the time. I don’t want to fight. 

"Can we start with the Citadel? I'd really like it if you were just with me for a while," I breathe, my chest still tight when I try to open up and show him my heart at all. That hasn't changed. I wonder if my heart has as many scars as my skin. "I have to see Anderson." 

"You...don't sound happy about that. It's Anderson, why aren't you happy?" 

I shake my head. "I don't really know. He sent me an email like the day after I...woke up. It was weird. I don't really know who still wants me around and wants to see me and who...thinks I'm a traitor." 

I'm throwing my hands up before I realize they're moving, and then Garrus is there, pushing my arms down and pulling me against him. "Easy, Shepard," he breathes, and the words are like a balm to my soul. I feel myself melting around him, and he doesn't resist, holding me tight. "Anyone who knows you know that you're not a traitor. And of course, they want to see you." 

"I saw Tali," I tell him. "She had a mission, I know, but...she didn't want to come with me." 

"Who else did you see?" 

I frown at the question but answer, "Just you and Tali." 

"So, she didn't come with you, and I did. One for two isn't bad." I laugh and nudge him with my shoulder before lifting my arms from where he put them at my sides and wrapping them around his back. His hand starts to rub my back. "It's different now, I know. But for whatever it's worth, you don't seem different. You're still a tiny, stubborn, pain in my ass." 

"You're a dick," I laugh, pulling out of his arms and shoving him playfully. Neither of us goes far. The distance still feels like too much, though. "It helps that you're here, Garrus." 

"It...it helps me too," he breathes, looking away from me. For a moment, I see him again as Archangel, alone and exhausted on that bridge. I don't know he ended up that way, but I can see the weight on him still. 

"Maybe tonight, after the Citadel, we can talk about Omega. About what happened?"

Garrus' face shifts in an instant. His eyes shutter, and the walls fly up. He even steps back from me. I wish I'd never asked...except that it couldn't be more obvious he needs to talk. "There's nothing to say about Omega. It's done." 

"Sorry to interrupt." We both jump at Joker's voice over the intercom. "We're docking on the Citadel. Anderson shot a message to the ship, asked you to come see him right away." 

"Thanks, Joker." Garrus can't hide that he looks relieved. Not from me, anyway. I let it go for now. "Don't worry about armor. I have to do some grocery shopping and whatnot. It’s the best since your armor makes you look like...well, like you caught a rocket." 

"Don't be scared the ladies won't be able to keep their hands off me," he quips, sauntering back through the doors and leaving me behind. But not before rubbing his neck to check for my dogtags in a way that I'm certain he thinks is subtle. I think it's about the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I don't dare call him out on him, settling instead just for catching up to him. 

"Jacob is coming with us," I tell him. Or maybe warn him. Definitely warn him, based on the look he gives me. 

"Oh. Didn't know Cerberus needed to babysit us on the Citadel." 

I take a breath. It's like I can blame him for the attitude about Jacob. Can't wait until he has to deal with Miranda. "It's not Cerberus babysitting us, it's Jacob coming with us. He's former Alliance, and he's not all bad." 

"The Alliance has done nothing in the last two years to earn my loyalty, Shepard." 

"Yeah...I heard some of the things they were saying to discredit me." 

He lets out a soft growl as we reach the bridge. "You don't know the half of it." 

I barely hear his sentence because holy shit Garrus is growling. I'd forgotten how much I missed that sound, or how strongly my body responds to it. And since my body hasn't really responded to anything for years, it's even more intense than usual. I nearly stumble from the sudden clench in my core, hoping that Garrus doesn't notice. He's probably too irked at the sight of Jacob waiting for us at the airlock to notice anything. 

Although, the guy did manage to notice I had a vibrator when I never even showed him. I think I'd also forgotten how dangerous Garrus' super senses are. I'm going to need to be careful around him...especially while he's so shut off from me. 

*****

The Citadel looks almost unrecognizable when we step off the ship and into the docking bay. Security has been beefed up quite a bit, and it looks like they have customs officers at every dock now. I wonder if they realize that absolutely none of this would actually have done anything to stop Saren, Sovereign, or the Geth. So much for proactive measures. 

Shepard looks just as starstruck by the changes, if not annoyed that we have to wait in line to get through security and into Zakera Ward. Her slight frustration explodes into a full-on scowl when an alarm goes off after a C-Sec officer I don't recognize scans her. 

"Shut it down," the officer says into his comms. "What? Do you seriously think...yeah, okay." His subtones are more confused than anything when he turns back to Shepard. "Sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am. Our scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you're, uh...dead." 

I try to hide my laugh with a cough; she can't hide the sparkle in her eyes when she looks back over her shoulder and smirks at me. She shrugs it off with the officer and tells him, "I was listed as missing in action a couple years ago." Not untrue. Probably all the truth that he really needs. 

My head is still spinning from the whole 'back from the dead' thing; we don't need to do that to the poor guy. 

"Would you mind checking in with my captain?" he asks, motioning over his shoulder. "He can reinstate you in our systems. Just past the scanner on your right." Shepard agrees and thanks him before he lets us through the doors. It opens into a mini C-Sec office that seems to exist explicitly for this purpose. Too little too late, sure, but they've made good improvements now. 

"I see the problem already, Commander Shepard," a familiar face says from where he's sitting behind a desk. He waves us over and then does a double-take when he spots me. "Holy shit. Two dead people just strolled onto the Citadel. How the hell ya been, Vakarian?"

"Good to see you, Bailey," I respond, accepting his handshake when he stands and offers. "Only one of us was dead, though." 

He huffs. "And now neither of you are. Although my console says you are, Commander."

"You're not worried I'm some imposter claiming to be me?" she asks. 

"We have the best screening equipment in the galaxy," Bailey tells us, preening a little. "Those scanners can sample DNA from skin flakes. Hell, if you have unregistered gene mods, they can even figure those out." 

Shepard chuckles and mutters, "I wonder if Miranda's breasts will make it through." Jacob coughs in his hand to cover up his laugh, but Shepard looks damn proud of her little joke. And damn is she cute when she's full of mischief. She winks at me and then turns back to Bailey. "Could you do me kind of a weird favor? Don't tell your system I'm not dead. Anonymity is useful on my current mission." 

"Smart," I tell her with an approving nod - not that she needs my approval. It's a good point, though. We have no idea whether or not Shepard is still a Spectre, and we're going to need to be able to travel. If we attract too much attention with a suddenly not dead human hero, it's going to slow us down. 

Bailey shrugs. "Sure. You're a goddamn hero; it's not like we have to worry about you smuggling guns in or something." He types something on his console and then says, "I just put a block in the system. Officially, you still don't exist. But you won't get hassled by the security checkpoints." 

"Thank you." 

"I'm not actually dead in there, am I?" I clarify, remembering his words when he first saw me walk through the door. It's bad enough that I just fell off the face of the planet, but pretending to be dead is a crime. It's also severely damaging for loved ones to have empty-box funerals; I should know. 

"No, you're not. But we didn't exactly have another answer that made sense." Bailey's tone is harder now, and I can tell he's not pleased with me. We worked together and hung out a few times, so I can't exactly blame him. "You know, your father was here." 

I'd be less shocked if he pulled out a gun and shot me in the dick. 

"My father? What?" I can feel Shepard's eyes on me, but I ignore her for now. I'm not prepared to deal with that. 

Bailey nods. "Yeah, when you resigned from Spectre training and then disappeared, your friends got worried. That happens, you know?" I ignore the rhetorical question and the sarcasm. "Orbin, I think it was, called your parents after a few weeks. When your family hadn't heard from you either, your dad dragged his ass here all the way from Palaven and spent upwards of a month looking for you. You know, Captain Anderson helped him." 

"Fuck." I didn't want my family or friends to be able to find me, and I knew they'd be concerned, but it never even occurred to me that they would mourn. Have I made people suffer the same way I was? My heart thumps painfully. "Thanks for letting me know, Bailey. I'll, uh...I'll make sure they know I'm back." 

"I would sure as shit hope so," he snarks, shaking his head at me. If I didn't respect Bailey so much, I'd lay him out for that tone. It helps that he's right and I know it. But that doesn't make thinking about calling home and telling my mom, my sister, my father where I've been and why feel any less awful. The way Shepard is looking at me, a mix of pity and disappointment, does not help. 

"We should probably get going," Jacob notes, likely feeling the tension in the room. 

Bailey stands and shakes Shepard's hand one more time. I'm not sure if it's even appropriate to offer mine after he handed my ass to me, but I do it anyway. He accepts without hesitation. "It's good to see you again, Garrus. Even with just half a face." 

I appreciate him sending us off with a laugh. Even if it doesn't totally ease my anxiety about the call I have to make later, it gives me enough of a distraction to push that to the back of my mind for now. Shepard is stressed about meeting Anderson, and she wants to talk to the council today, too. I need to be as present as possible for her. 

We leave the office and head through Zakera Ward. "Damn. Looks nicer now than it did when this was my neighborhood," I muse.

"Yeah, it does," Shepard agrees. "C-Sec agents are splurging for apartments here now." 

Zakera Ward was always pretty nice, kind of high tech. It's a hub, the most popular route on and off the Citadel from the docks. It also took a ton of damage during the attack by Sovereign. Entire sections of this ward were unliveable even when I left; it was pure luck that my apartment building was in-tact. I wonder idly if anyone is living there now. The place was paid off when I left it to Joker, but I wouldn't blame the landlord for renting it out. Whoever lives there has an upgraded Zakera Ward though, that's for sure. 

Including a shiny new video game store...

"We have time." I catch Shepard's hand and tug her along, letting go after a few steps so she can follow me without having to hold my hand. She laughs when she realizes where I'm going but doesn't object or try to stop me. "I get a salary with Cerberus, yeah?"

Jacob laughs too, but he's already beelining for a new VR system. On Omega, that system was explicitly used for porn. I don't want to know whether or not that's Jacob's interest in it. 

"That has to make you the first alien on their payroll," Shepard muses, thumbing through some of the games in a clearance bin with little interest. I use my visor to snap a few pictures of titles that catch my interest; I've been out of the news for too long to just buy them, so I send them to Joker for advice. "You know, we're supposed to be working on the ship." 

"There's always downtime, Shepard. Don't be jealous that I want to spend some of it with imaginary humans." 

"Wait, some of these games have humans?" I laugh and let her get distracted by some weird game humans get obsessed with. The premise is to create characters and then guide them throughout their lives - mundane shit like cooking food, going to college, and getting jobs. I can't fathom why that's interesting to humans who could just be living their own lives, but whatever. 

The Salarian behind the counter is no fool and hooks me far too easily on a game based on Turian mythology. Jacob is interested too, but Shepard loses patience before I do. Some things never change. 

"OK, time to go," she calls playfully, trying to herd us away from the counter. 

"You always ruin my fun," I tease her even though I don't resist at all. I assume Jacob is following us, but with Shepard holding my hand and walking backward, green eyes glimmering, I can't pay attention to a damn thing. "You're looking at me like you have a whole different kind of fun planned, kid." 

She blinks at the nickname and flushes at the rest, and I've never wanted to kiss her so badly in my life. I think if Jacob didn't walk up beside us, I probably would. And I think Shepard knows it. 

The question is whether or not she would stop me. 

The problem is...I don't know if I want to risk as much on her again. It'll never be simple for me to kiss her, to hold her, to...fuck, I want her. The part of me that's been trying to kill myself for two years doesn't give a shit about the risks, especially not while she's holding my hand and smiling at me. Especially not while she's being so flirty, so different - even with people around. Especially not after everything she said and did last night. 

If I'm going to be destroyed, maybe it's apt that it happens at Shepard's hands. Again. 

"Shepard! You were recently dead." I see the shock that smacks me ripple across Shepard, and we both whirl toward the voice, finding an animatronic ad console, one of the fancy newer ones able to scan people passing by and then customize ads to them. The hologram Asari on this vid has no idea how incredibly inappropriate she is. "Don't you deserve the quality and distinction of a traditional Asari burial robe? Anatass. We'll help you leave a good-looking corpse." 

Panic washes over me for an instant, and my gaze snaps to Shepard. How will she react hearing herself called a corpse? Shepard, however, is definitely not panicking. She looks stunned for a split second and then explodes in laughter, the musical sound contagious. "Wow, can you imagine coming up with a tagline that shitty? Yikes." 

"Can you imagine falling for it?" I counter, shaking my head at the company logo. They're having a two-for-one sale on these robes; that's wildly disturbing. "Who is vain enough to give a shit about their corpse?"

Shepard laughs with me and shakes her head. The image on the console shifts just before we walk away. A coffin, a deep, almost matte black...just like Shepard's. Only hers was empty, and these won't be. 

And my team...they never even got coffins. Body bags and blankets were the best I could do. I couldn't even go out with them. 

The temperature on the Citadel plummets when I see Devon's eyes, pleading and terrified, and then empty. Dead. Bile surges into my throat, and I spin away, not thinking about anything but getting away from the coffin. No more coffins, I can't. 

"Garrus?" Shepard's hand touches my wrist, cautiously at first, and then she squeezes. "Where'd you go, big guy?"

I shake my head, forcing it all down. Focus. Swallow it. Stuff it down, find a little more room in the bottle. I'm good at that. "Sorry, just...still tired from yesterday, I guess. But I'm fine." 

"You're sure?" she presses, the crease in her brow telling me for certain that she does not believe me. 

"Of course." I throw in a wink for good measure, and it at least eases her anxiety a bit, getting a smile from her. 

We continue walking, Shepard closer to me than she has ever really been in public before. We're close enough that her hand continues to brush mine, that I can smell her cinnamon and citrus scent with every little move she makes. It's odd. Shepard knows how to make a point, sure, but she's never been one for putting on a show. For better or worse, she's genuine. 

"Miss Shepard," another console calls to her. 

"So much for anonymity," Jacob quips, rolling his eyes. 

Shepard laughs, but there's no humor in it. "And so much for my title. It's been a very long time since anyone called me 'miss.'" 

Her anxiety returns tenfold, this time about her own future instead of mine. Shepard has her issues with the Alliance and the Council at the moment, sure, but she's a career soldier. When you die, do you get to come back into your former life, into the roles you left behind?

"A woman of your beauty deserves the finest in Asari technology," the console continues, oblivious. Shepard's laugh this time is different, something I don't totally recognize in her. She sounds...embarrassed? She touches her lip and the soft pink color there almost self-consciously. That's new about her, too, wearing makeup. I hope this dumb piece of tech doesn't make her feel bad about it. "The next time you're out on the town with Mr. Taylor - " 

"Excuse me?" I demand, hoping this dumb piece of likely very expensive tech doesn't make me destroy it. Jacob clears his throat and very intentionally doesn't meet my eye when I turn to him. 

Shepard doesn't seem the least bit bothered. "These things can scan our DNA and can't manage to get the right guy, huh?" she teases, leaning into my side for just a second. Or maybe I imagined that. I had to imagine it...right?

Before I can figure it out, Shepard flashes a grin and continues on our path through the ward and toward a rapid transit station for the Presidium. I follow along behind her, trying not to be quite so dazed. "So," Jacob chirps, popping up beside me instead of idling along behind me the way he has been. I prefer this; it's annoying to have to keep an eye on him from the back of my head. 

"So?"

"So...you and Shepard?"

"What about me and Shepard?" There's a question I'd sound like an ass for asking if he could hear my subtones. Lucky for me, I manage to keep my cool. 

Jacob scoffs though, clearly not buying it. "Come on. You think anyone can't see that she's flirting with you? All the time." 

"Shepard is a flirt," I counter. "She flirts with just about everyone, all the time. Even when she doesn't realize she's doing it." 

And I kind of love that. Sure, when it was guys like Kaidan who were trying to keep her from me, I didn't. But Shepard's innocent, adorable flirting with Wrex, with Ashley Williams, with Joker...it gets me hot. Territorial a little but mostly just into her sexuality and her comfort with it. Besides, knowing everyone else can see that she's sexy as all hell when she's with me, even in secret, turns me on. 

Granted, there isn't much about Shepard that doesn't turn me on. 

"She doesn't flirt with me," Jacob says, shrugging like it doesn't bother him. And I actually really believe that it doesn't. "I haven't seen her flirt with anyone else actually. Only you." 

"We've known each other a long time. She trusts me." I glance down at Jacob and try not to sound like an ass when I add, "She doesn't exactly have a lot of reason to trust Cerberus yet." 

"Fair enough." Jacob smirks. "But don't forget that I was there before we found you, and after you got hurt." He shakes his head and looks away from me again, his eyes almost definitely finding Shepard's ass a few feet in front of us. "Can't imagine why you'd lie about a woman like that." 

I don't have any interest in digging through all the history Jacob would need to hear to understand. I can't think of a good reason to lie about her, either. Never could. Shepard, on the other hand...

"Commander Shepard!" This time, the person calling her name is real, not a console. She's also familiar and the sight of the reporter who once tried to drag Shepard for being a traitor to her people by working for the Council as a Spectre, instead of honoring her as the first human Spectre, ignites a hot fire in my gut. 

"Don't," I snap at the woman whose damn I don't care to remember, picking up my pace and using the length of my legs to overtake Shepard and cut the reporter off from her in a few strides. "Don't," I repeat, letting the growl in my chest loose. 

A hand I know as Shepard's more from the way my body responds to it than by touch lands low on my back and slides up my spine. "Easy, big guy," she whispers, slipping around beside me with her hand on my back. "Don't cause a scene." 

"You should have punched her three years ago," I tell Shepard without taking my gaze off of the reporter. 

"Well, there are always second chances, right?" She manages to distract me with that, and I glance down to catch her eyes. The sexy little glint there confirms for me that she's talking about more than the reporter. When the camera's bright light flicks on, all I can do is hope it doesn't catch the blush I can feel creeping up my throat. 

The reporter clears her throat, recovering and ruining our moment. And drawing my attention back to her, for better or for worse. I know the humans have sexist rules about men not hitting women, some archaic bullshit about men being inherently stronger. I genuinely hope this bitch realizes that I am not a human and not a sexist, and I will lay her out if she disrespects Shepard. 

"Got time for the press? The people want to hear your story, Shepard. Khalisah bint Sinan al-Jalani, Westerlund News." She extends her hand, but Shepard just stares at it and crosses her arms. "I interviewed you two years ago when you first became a Spectre. You presented your case very well on camera." 

I snort at that, and Jacob chuckles beside me. "I saw that report. Shepard made you look bad," he tells Khalisah. 

She just narrows her eyes at him and then looks back to Shepard, casual as ever when she asks, "Do you have a minute?" 

"What, so you can try to do another smear job on me?" Shepard retorts. 

"Now, Shepard," the reporter begins, holding one hand up in a placating gesture, "you may object to my methods, but we're on the same side. You're back, you're news, I just want to give your story its due." She clears her throat again and straightens; another light turns on above the camera, signaling that the recording has begun. "Sources claim you were at the heart of the Presidium during the Battle of the Citadel. It's fair to say the course of the battle hinged on your words. If true, you told Admiral Hackett to assist the Destiny Ascension, costing hundreds of human lives and securing the continued dominance of the Citadel Council." 

It's easy to see her point, and I hear my own growl get louder at the implication. I remember the look on Shepard's face, the toll it took on her when she had to make that call. I remember what people said about her, about us after...and I remember the part that it played in Shepard leaving me. I'm not going to be polite about dealing with it this time. 

Shepard must sense my reaction because she steps in front of me and leans back just enough to touch me. Just enough that if I move, I'll drop or hurt her. She may want to hold me back, but Shepard isn't backing down. 

"The Turians lost twenty cruisers," she informs Khalisah. "Figure each had a crew of around three thousand. The Ascension - the Asari dreadnought we saved - had a crew of nearly ten thousand." 

"But surely the human cost - " 

"The Alliance lost eight cruisers," Shepard continues, cutting the reporter's objections off. "Shenyang, Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, Madrid. And yes, I remember them all. Everyone in the Fifth Fleet is a hero. The Alliance owes them all medals, and the Council owes them a lot more than that." Shepard leans closer, and the reporter has the strength to shrink back. "And they deserve a helluva lot better than you." 

With that, Shepard spins on her heel and marches off, taking my hand to pull me along behind her knowing damn well that we're in full view of the camera. I wonder if the shot catches my instant need to adjust myself in the hopes my groin plates stay closed. This is not the moment for being cautious. 

I sidle up closer to Shepard, daring to lean down, so I speak into her ear. "You are still the sexiest woman in the galaxy, Elle. And that was the hottest thing I have ever seen." 

She gasps. I can hear her heart rate pick up, and my visor alerts me to a spike in her core temperature. The scent of her arousal, just a whiff, reaches me, and everything inside me responds to the memory of that scent and what it means. Her emerald eyes are glittering when she looks back up at me. 

"Not fair, Vakarian. Turning me on when I have to meet the Council." 

"Hmm. Just nice to know I still can." 

Jacob catches up to us, laughing about whatever the reporter said to sign-off, and I'm forced to straighten. Shepard lets my hand drop again, but she stays close. She always seems to be close now. 

Shepard looks the same, smells the same, certainly turns me on the same. But she is different. And I can't help but have a tiny bit of hope that the difference will mean good things for me. For us.


	9. Trust

The closer we get the Presidium, the higher the gear my nerves kick into. The only other time in the years that we've known each other that I was nervous to see Captain Anderson was the very first time. 

A couple Turian soldiers, from the same unit as those who rescued me from the Batarian ship, escorted me to the Citadel. I was told that since I was already eighteen, they wouldn't be sending me to a foster home on Earth. Anderson was just supposed to be transporting the rescues to another station after we were seen at the hospital, but by the end of our first meeting, he asked if I wanted to enlist. 

Anderson took me under his wing from there. There was no favoritism by any means; anyone who trained and served with me in the early days knows that the standards were set a lot higher for me. He accepted nothing but my absolute best, challenged me at every opportunity, and made sure I knew that he was proud of me. And it worked; I've never settled. I've always worked to be the best. 

That effort might have something to do with why I let go of the best thing I ever had when I dumped Garrus over regulations and rumors, but as a whole, it's been a good thing for my life. I've heard some stories about where the other kids rescued from that ship ended up. I've been lucky. 

A big part of my motivation has always been making Anderson proud. Now I'm going to face him with no idea if I've lost my rank and while working for an organization shunned and criminalized by both the Alliance and the Council. Now it's possible that I've disappointed my mentor, and the thought sits in my gut like a rock. 

"Hey, uh, Jacob? Could you do me a favor?" I turn at Garrus' question, watching Garrus whip a credit chit out of his pocket. I get enough of a glimpse to notice it doesn't have a name; no one legit uses unnamed chits. "That game we were checking out, the Corsairs one? Would you run back and grab it?" 

I almost laugh. If we were on an actual mission instead of just heading for a meeting, I'd be annoyed that Garrus is sending our third man off to buy a video game. Meeting or no, it's hard to get annoyed when I can tell Garrus has an agenda. And I know Jacob can tell too when he frowns and starts to object but then sees something in Garrus' face. With Garrus' back to me, I can't tell what that is, but Jacob smiles at it. 

"We'll put it on the tab," Jacob assures Garrus, taking a few steps backward and nodding to me before turning away. Leaving me alone with Garrus.   
He turns around and holds his hand out to me. "Come." 

And that word nearly sets me on fire. It's an order, plain and simple. He doesn't snap it out because he doesn't have to; the authority comes from who he is and not how angry or in charge he sounds. It's that soft tone while giving me a command that does it. 

It's unmistakably the tone that Garrus uses in the bedroom, and my body intimately remembers how to respond to it.

Fortunately, I don't have to figure out speaking. The moment my hand is in Garrus's palm, he's pulling me along behind him. We move away from the rapid transit station and to a small cafe. Garrus pulls a chair out for me at one of the small tables and then sits down across from me. He hasn't let go of my hand, and he covers it inside both of his while leaning over the table toward me. 

"What's going on?" he asks softly, voice not just low for privacy but because he's concerned, I think. 

"I...don't know what you mean. You pulled me over here. And sent Jacob away on false pretenses," I note, cocking my head at him. 

"You forget how well I can read you." He releases my hand with one of his just long enough to tap his visor gently with a talon, a reminder that Garrus is reading my vital signs at any given moment. Damn him. "You still worried about seeing Anderson?"

And clearly, he doesn't need the visor to see right through me. 

I fight the instinct to lie and nod. "I don't know what I'll do if he's...disappointed, you know? I don't think he ever imagined me working for Cerberus." 

"Anderson believed you about the Reapers. He was always on your side," Garrus reminds me. "The guy helped us commit treason and steal the Normandy, remember? If anyone is going to understand why you need to stop the Collectors even if the Alliance is sitting on their hands, it's Anderson." 

"Yeah...yeah, that's true." I shake my head though, something not sitting well with me. "But if the Alliance is aware of the colonies disappearing - and they have to be aware - why hasn't Anderson done anything about it?"

Garrus softens a little and shakes his head, unsure of how to answer that and definitely unhappy about it. That doesn't make me feel good. "Hey." I look back up at him, impossibly blue eyes soft and kind. "You're not gonna know before you get in there. And...Shepard, Anderson loves you. You know that." 

"Yeah...I do." The truth of those words lifts the rock. He's right. Anderson became my only parent when I was eighteen, and I've been his only child. I think he may have some disappointment, sure, but it won't make him love me less. We don't love the people in our hearts less because of the mistakes they make. "How do you always know how to make things better?"

Two years ago, Garrus would have had a charming response to that. A grin, maybe a wink, a quick line. Now, he forces out a laugh and looks away, his face collapsing all over again. I've seen him look this way - crushed and broken and hurt - almost constantly since he came back into my life. I want nothing more than to ease his pain. 

"You know, I don't need a visor to see when something is wrong with you." I tap his knuckles playfully and add, "Of course, that's because humans are far superior in just about every way but..." 

"Ha! Superior to what, rocks?" Garrus jabs right back, his mood perking up again. "You might be superior, sure. But your species?" He makes a dismissive noise and rolls his eyes. 

"You're a horrible dinosaur." We both break into laughter loud enough that people at the next table over turn to look at us, but I can't help it, and I can see it lifting some of the weight from Garrus. Until we catch our breath, and then the pain is back in his eyes almost immediately. And something else. Guilt?

Ah. Yeah, that...that I know. That one I'm familiar with. When the people you love, people who were counting on you, die while you walk away, every time you feel even a bit of happiness for a while after, guilt is never far behind. There's a sense of wrongness like you don't have the right to smiles or to pain-free moments without them. And I can see that on Garrus right now. 

"Garrus, is this about your family or about your team?" 

He winces and shakes his head, a noise like a growl but off in a way, more high pitched and a lot more painful, coming from his chest. "Shepard, please. Not here...I can't." 

I squeeze his hands and fight the urge to go around the table, to sit on his lap and hug him as tight as I can. "Okay, big guy. I'm sorry. It's okay." 

"Thank you," he whispers. Garrus takes a breath and composes himself, slipping on a mask that I'm sure most people couldn't see his heartbreak though. Most people don't know Garrus the way I do. "Come on, let's get you to the Embassy." 

I groan and lean back, but he laughs, stands, and pulls me from the chair. It's too good an opportunity to pass up, so I lean forward as I get to my feet. Just like I knew he would, Garrus catches me. His hand slips around my back, and my hands land on his biceps. Chest to chest, face to face. If I leaned up on my toes, I could kiss his throat or his jaw. He could duck his head just a little to meet my mouth. 

Blue eyes flash down to my mouth, and a shudder runs down my spine. I want this. I can still taste him, two years or not. I want to kiss him and never, ever stop kissing him again. 

But then Garrus steps away, only shifting his hands to my shoulders for long enough to make sure I won't fall. The moment is already gone for him. He isn't even looking at me anymore. 

The heat in my core shifts to a familiar cold, one that I've done everything I can to avoid. Rejection. 

Garrus doesn't want me anymore. 

I guess I knew that was a possibility. It's been a long time. And I've been pieced back together like a science project; that's not sexy at all. But I can't deal with this right now. It doesn't matter who I work for or what some console called me, I'm Commander Shepard. And I am not going to cry over a guy in public. 

I take a breath and hope he doesn't know enough about humans yet to know why I'm sniffling. "Okay. Let's... let's get to the Embassy. Let's get this over with." I start to move past him but Garrus catches my arm. It's not firm enough to stop me, but I stop because it's Garrus. "Don't. It's fine. I can't right now." 

A beat, and then he releases me. 

"Hey. You two ready?" Jacob calls from the entrance to the cafe. 

"We're coming." I turn my head to Garrus but don't lift my face to look at him. "As long as you're with me on this, it's enough." 

"It's not," he whispers. "But I'm here. I'm with you." 

*****

Shepard seems a little more confident as we reach the embassies where Anderson, now the liaison between the Council and the Alliance, has his office. At least I did one thing right if I helped get her less anxious about this. Everything else about today, I've screwed up. Probably everything since...well, since she died. A long list of fucked up. 

And Shepard wanted me to kiss her. I saw it on her face, watched her pupils dilate with desire. I know it was there. It would have been the first time since our first night together that she kissed me in public. Far from the first time I wanted her to. But I didn't want it like this. Not while I'm like this. 

I made her more confident, though. And I'm here for her, with her. That's what she asked me for, and that's what I can deliver. Even if facing Anderson makes me feel sick. 

Jacob and I follow Shepard through the doors as they slid open. The Councilors are standing on holo-platforms, that little worm Udina that Shepard recommended for appointment missing. Anderson is speaking to them but stops mid-sentence before turning toward us. The moment he spots Shepard, the man's face lights up. He clearly makes an effort at keeping his smile professional, but there's no mistaking joy like that. 

"Shepard! We were just talking about you." He meets her halfway across the room, both of them vibrating with energy but holding themselves together so they can shake hands. 

"It's been a long time, Anderson. I hope the last couple of years have treated you right." 

He gives a short laugh. "There have been some rough spots. It's good to have you back." When Anderson turns to me, I want to look away. I want to shrink back and duck my head with all the shame wearing me down. But I'm not here for me or my bullshit; this is about Shepard. "Vakarian. Welcome back." 

There's a question in those words but no judgment. And when he holds a hand out, I accept it. 

"Captain Anderson. Good to see you." 

"Oh, it's... it's, uh, Admiral now." In true Anderson fashion, he seems almost embarrassed about a significant promotion. He shrugs it off and explains, "They made me Udina's Chief Advisor and promoted me." 

"Udina's Advisor?" Shepard repeats, raising her eyebrows skeptically. 

"Not that he listens to me," Anderson admits. "Ever since he got that seat on the Council, he thinks the stars shine out of his ass." 

"What did you expect?" she quips. 

He lets out a small laugh. "I don't know...but definitely not to start hearing rumors about you being back. I figured it was best to get all the explanations out of the way at once." He motions toward the holopads, and we approach, the Councilors sharing glances of surprise and concern that could be for either one of us. They had at least been given reason to believe Shepard was back. When she glances back at me, I know she has the same concern. 

"We've heard many rumors surrounding your unexpected return," Velern says in greeting, jumping right in. The Salarian Councilor has always been the type to ignore any pretence or pleasantry. "Some of them are...unsettling." 

"We called this meeting so you could explain your actions, Shepard," Tevos picks up. The Councilors are still finishing each other's thoughts, and it's still super weird to listen to. "We owe you that much. After all, you saved our lives in the battle against Saren and his Geth." 

I'm only glad right this moment that I didn't bring my rifle because I don't know that I could keep myself from shooting at the hologram if not rushing up to the Presidium and laying these three out. What they owed her was an ounce of respect after she died; instead, they raked her name through the mud to keep people from asking questions about the Reapers. And now, even while she offers something that looks like peace, Tevos is talking about Saren, not Sovereign.

"Saren wasn't the one commanding the Geth," Shepard tells them, not about to give an inch. That's my girl. "It was the Reaper, Sovereign." 

Sparatus scoffs, and his mandibles flare in a derisive sneer. "Ah, yes. Reaper," he intones with air quotes around the word. "The immortal race of sentient starships allegedly waiting in dark space. We have dismissed that claim." 

"They never even looked into it," I counter, not bothering to keep my voice down. 

"Shepard, no one else encountered the hologram on Ilos that told you the truth about the Reapers," Anderson reminds her. And me, judging by the little glimpse he throws my way. At least he put emphasis on truth so I'm still convinced he's on our side. "Only you two and your crew ever spoke with Sovereign. I believe you, but without evidence from another source, Udina and the Councilors think Saren was behind the geth attacks." 

"Go back to Ilos and talk to Vigil," Shepard snaps. "Or just look at what's left of Sovereign. It's obvious the technology is more advanced than ours." 

I shake my head, bile rising in my throat when I think about the first few weeks after Shepard died. "I tried all that. Vigil's hologram was messed up when we went back, and they just argue the tech in Sovereign is Geth." 

"The Geth are capable of remarkable technological achievement," Tevos says, nodding along like I haven't told her off about this shit a hundred times. "This is probably why Saren recruited them." 

"This Reaper theory proves just how fragile your mental state is," Sparatus snaps, pointing a talon at Shepard. "You have been manipulated - by Cerberus and, before them, by Saren." 

Shepard throws her hands up. "Saren was organic. The Geth never would have accepted him as their leader! They only followed him because he was Sovereign's agent." 

"Saren was a compelling and charismatic individual," Tevos says, clearly not hearing anything that Shepard has said. She never listens. "He convinced the Geth that Reapers were real...just as he convinced you." 

"And the way you convinced a once-proud Turian," Sparatus growls. I can imagine what he said to my father while he was on the Citadel, telling him that my Commander had been jerked around by some crazed Spectre and taken me down with her. "It was part of his plan to attack the Citadel. The Reapers are just a myth. One you insist on perpetuating." 

I feel myself take a step forward even though I know he's not really in the room, anger boiling in my gut. Shepard puts up a hand, just like Tevos does to Sparatus. "We believe that you believe it," Tevos says, clearly placating. "But that doesn't make it true." 

"We are in a difficult position now, Shepard," Valern chimes in. "You are working for Cerberus - an avowed enemy of the Council. This is treason, a capital offense." 

"How dare you?" I snap at the same moment Anderson shouts, "That is too far!" I snap my mouth shut, and he continues, "Shepard is a hero." 

Again, Tevos is placating, this time putting up a hand. "Maybe there is a compromise. Not a public acknowledgment, given your ties, but something to show peripheral support." 

"Shepard, if you keep a low profile and restrict your operations to the Terminus Systems," Sparatus begins, "the Council is willing to offer you reinstatement as a Spectre."

"And what does that mean, you want me to start filing reports?"

"That won't be necessary," Valern tells her. "This is a show of good faith on our part." 

Anderson softens a little and tells her, "The Alliance has also agreed to reinstate your full rank and all of your commendations if the Council makes you Spectre again. Working for Cerberus makes them cautious, but they'll take the Council's lead." 

"We cannot become involved in an investigation regarding the missing colonies in the Terminus Systems," Tevos chimes in. "But Spectre reinstatement shows our support of you personally." 

Shepard takes a breath like she's thinking it over and then turns back to me. She wants my opinion, and I don't care if the whole damn station can hear the pride in my subtones. I give her a nod. It's not my favorite thing, and I'm already hoping I don't come to regret it, but Shepard having Spectre status makes a big difference in how easily we can get around and get our job done. 

"I accept your offer," she says, turning back to the Councilors. 

Tevos nods at her. "Good luck with your investigation, Shepard. We hope for a quick resolution and a quick end to your relationship with Cerberus." The call ends, and the three of them disappear. 

"Well," Anderson huffs, "that actually went better than I expected. You realize the Council's offer is just symbolic, right? They won't actually do anything."

"Do they ever?" Both of them smirk at me, and Jacob chuckles from behind me. 

Shepard shrugs. "Yeah, well, even if they don't help, I might as well stay on good terms." 

"True enough," Anderson agrees. "Don't worry about the Council or the Alliance. I'll find some way to keep them off your back. Shouldn't be too hard...as long as you stick to the Terminus Systems." 

Shepard nods, and then her shoulders relax, and her smile becomes genuine. "How have you been?"

Anderson returns her smile and turns away, heading for the balcony overlooking the Presidium. Shepard joins him, but I hang back, giving them their reunion. I know neither of them is big on these emotional moments or much for words, but they need the time. They deserve it. 

"Shepard and her captain are close," Jacob notes, coming up beside me. He hung around in the background during the Council meeting, I assume in an effort not to draw attention to himself. I wonder how it feels for him, former Alliance, and listening to his current employer get shit all over. Hell, listening to the reminder that working for them is treason. 

"Yeah, he mentored her," I tell him, even though I'm sure Jacob has some awareness since they dug through every single one of her files. It's creepy how much these people likely know about her...how much they've seen of her. I don't want to think about that. "And he's a good man. One of the best." 

Jacob nods. "I always heard good things when I was with the Alliance, yeah." 

"You two ready to go?" Shepard asks, returning to us. Her smile is easy and genuine; she's happy, and it's like a balm to my soul. I don't get enough of those. 

I nod to her, but Anderson interjects. "Actually...would you give me a minute alone with Vakarian?" My stomach knots and Shepard frowns, but when Anderson doesn't offer an explanation, she doesn't press for one before motioning for Jacob to follow her out. Good soldier. Bad for me, though. 

Anxiety and shame wash back over me in waves when we're alone. I know exactly what he wants to say to me. I know what I did wrong and why he wants to talk to me - ream me out, probably. Anderson stuck around for a while right after Shepard died, checking on me and Joker, but I could always see it there. I always knew how he felt about me. 

"I wanted to talk about that message you sent me," he begins, hands behind his back. "The one right before you fell off the face of the galaxy. You remember?" 

This isn't what I was expecting, and being on edge makes me a little uncomfortable. I choose not to answer; I know how interrogations work. 

"You didn't message your father, your sister, your closest friends," Anderson continues, frowning but not in an angry way. "You didn't even tell Joker you were leaving, and you lived with him. But you messaged me before you left. Why?"

"I..." He's staring at me, deep brown eyes. And there's no judgment, no anger. Maybe that's why I answer him honestly. "I had to tell you." 

"You had to tell me that you were sorry?" Now there's something else in his gaze. Sadness. Concern. That hurts. "What were you sorry for?"

I take a breath to calm my pounding heart, but I cannot look at him, not for another second. "Before...before we stole the Normandy." Another breath, this one to keep me from throwing up. “You told me to take care of her. You told me that...that you thought I could keep her safe. And..." I still can't say it.

"You think you failed to save her?" I can't answer that. Just hearing it is too much. "Look at me, son." 

I obey, as much in surprise as anything else. It's been a long time since anyone cared enough to call me that; the last one was Saren. 

Anderson steps a little closer and puts his hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes with a gaze that manages to be firm and gentle all at the same time. "You did not fail her, Garrus. Neither did I or Joker or anyone else on the Normandy. The only ones to blame for what happened to Shepard are the Reapers, and you have to remember that." 

"No, it's..." I shake my head and push his hand off of me. "You don't understand. I wasn't there so I couldn't get her onto an escape pod. And the only reason I wasn't there was because of my pride. Because I -" 

"You weren't there because you love her," Anderson interjects, managing to shock me for the second time in a matter of seconds. He smirks a little. "She's like a daughter to me. Do you really think I'd miss someone falling in love with her?" 

I shake my head again and offer, "I'm sorry." 

"I am not scolding you for it, son. I want you to know that we have all done things we regret to try and avoid the pain that comes from love." He puts that hand back on my shoulder, the touch firmer this time. "You never needed to apologize. I...I'm sorry you felt that I couldn't be there for you." 

"I didn't want anyone there. It's not on you." Anderson nods a little like he understands, and something tells me that he actually might. I wonder what Anderson regrets doing to avoid the pain of being in love. And maybe that's why I confess, "I couldn't be here without her. I couldn't be around people who knew her while the Council and the Alliance were disgracing her memory." 

He makes a little grunt; this, I know he understands. "You feel guilty, son? Then do me a favor to make up for it." 

"What's that?"

"Don't make the same mistakes twice." 

*****

I can't help but wonder if Chakwas hasn't been given some sort of mind-altering chemical by Cerberus. Maybe they want to throw Garrus to the wolves, so they've gotten the doctor on their side. It's really the only rational explanation I can come up with. 

"There is no way that he took a rocket to the face and just had the plague, but now he's fit for a mission," I protest for what must be the hundredth time. The smug look on Garrus's face is not helping my mood. 

"I don't know what you want me to say, Commander," Chakwas offers with a small shrug. "I thought he would need longer as well, but Garrus has full range of motion in his arm, his vision is fine, and his breathing is normal. The pain in his face and jaw, the lack of sensation there are lingering, but they certainly aren't enough to warrant putting him on the bench." 

"My word should be enough to warrant that," I mutter, crossing my arms. 

Garrus stands from the hospital bed and frowns at me. "Shepard, you agreed that if Chakwas cleared me, I could go on the mission to Purgatory." 

"I said I would consider it." 

"It's not even a real mission!" he argues, obviously putting effort into not raising his voice. "Cerberus already negotiated the fee and the pick-up for the biotic. We're going in, picking Jack up, and leaving. And you can't even trust me for that!" 

"You think I don't - " 

"Excuse me." The intrusion sends both of us spinning toward the door. I don't know about Garrus, but I'm instantly annoyed to see Kelly with a little smile on her face. She looks like my mother used to before she spun an argument that my brother and I were having on both of us. I could accept it from my mom, but definitely not from some kid with a psych degree. "Perhaps there is an underlying issue here we should be talking about. It doesn't seem like this is about the mission at all." 

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I think we just figured that out." 

"Why is your secretary trying to shrink us?" Garrus demands. 

"Yeoman - be nice," I correct him, trying my best to scold when I can hear the smile in my own voice. "And she's trying to shrink us because she's a shrink." 

"I prefer psychologist," Kelly objects, cocking her head and giving a little shrug that is painfully naive. 

Garrus lets out a soft, brief growl, and Kelly's eyes go wide when she looks at him. I know that look. It's not fear; she's not afraid because of that growl. She's attracted to him, hot for him even. And that is so, so much worse. 

"Can we finish this conversation privately?" I ask, turning only to Garrus now. "Upstairs? Please?" 

"Battery," he answers quickly. I know the move; Garrus doesn't want to feel like he's on uneven footing with me. It's a compromise that I can accept, so I thank Chakwas and ignore Kelly before following him there. Inside, with the doors shut behind us, Garrus is like a caged animal, pacing and growling, and I instantly respond to it with equal parts arousal and agitation. I want to punch him in the face and jump his bones all at once. 

"How could you think that I don't trust you?" I snap at him. "I dropped everything and went to Omega on nothing more than a hunch that you might be Archangel just so that I could get you - the only person I trust - on this ship with me!" 

"You brought me on the ship for gun power, fine. You might even have brought me here for a fuck buddy, but -" 

"Don't you dare!" 

"If you'd brought me here because you trust me, I'd be going with you tonight. You would want me with you." 

I throw up my hands, frustrated that Garrus can't see past five seconds from now. "If you would listen to me, you'd realize that I'm not sure about you going because I want you with me. For the long haul, Garrus! Not just for some stupid pick-up." 

"What if this stupid pick-up doesn't go the way you plan, Shepard?" You're walking onto a ship run by a sadist and a criminal, and you want me to let you go alone." He steps closer, almost into my space, and demands, "What the hell am I supposed to do if you die again because I wasn't there _again_ , Shepard?"

I follow his lead, stepping closer so that we're almost chest to chest. "And what should I do if you're hurt because I don't feel safe without you behind me?"

"Damn it, Shepard, I'm fine. And you can have me behind you!" 

My frustration spikes, taking my heart rate with it, and I throw my palms into his chest to shove him back. "Garrus, for fuck's sake, will you listen to me? I cannot lose you again!"

"You left me in the first place," he snaps, pointing a talon in my face. I smack it away, and Garrus catches my hand, abruptly twisting my arm at the elbow to spin me around. I stomp down hard on his boot and throw my elbow back into his waist. 

He stumbles enough that I can break the hold and turn, instinctively going into a fighting stance. Garrus doesn't hesitate, rushing me and grabbing me around the waist; he lifts me up and then slams me onto my back on the unforgiving cot at the side of the room. Before he can get an angle to pin me, I bring my elbow down hard into his fringe, and Garrus rips out a growl. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that I'm fighting - actually fighting - my best friend, my teammate. But the heat surging through my veins and adrenaline pumping in my heart keeps me from grasping those rational thoughts. I want to rage, tear at him, anything. Anything. I just need to feel. 

With my legs around his waist, I manage to twist our positions so that I'm straddling him. I try to get a hold on his arms, but Garrus has too much reach and punches me square in the jaw. Pain explodes in my head, stars erupting behind my eyes, and Garrus uses the opportunity to sit up and shove me onto my back underneath him. He leans forward to pin my legs, still wrapped around him, and then catches my wrists, using only one hand to trap them above my head. 

Everything stops when Garrus's other hand wraps around my throat. 

Everything. Time, space, the universe, hell the law of physics probably quit when that massive hand wraps around the front of my neck.

The next thing I know, Garrus's mouth is on mine, and I'm using my legs to yank his hips down against me. As suddenly as everything stopped, it all explodes again. This time, it's not anger that fuels us. At least not anger alone. This time, I need to feel much more. 

He kisses me like he needs it to survive, his tongue hot and urgent against mine. I give it all back, feeling everything swell and surge inside me in need so intense that it's painful. The hand around my throat remains, squeezing just enough, and even after two years and with a brand new body, I respond the way he trained me to. 

"Shepard," he moans, ducking his head and moving his hand enough to lick a hot trail down my throat. 

"Ah, Garrus. Garrus, let me touch you," I plead, trying to get my hands out of his grip. Garrus releases me, and even with two hands, it's not enough. I can't reach enough of him, can't feel enough. The urgency Garrus is showing, his hands groping my breasts and running over my waist, squeezing my ass and gripping my thighs, tells me that he feels the same way. 

And I need him to feel more, too. 

I lift my hips and rotate them into a rock hard erection through his pants, one hand rubbing under his fringe and the other kneading his waist. Garrus growls, the sound unbelievably sexy, and rolls his hips against me. The sparks that were always between us seem stronger now than ever, and Garrus obviously never lost his mental map of my body; the next roll of his hips creates friction in exactly the right place. I hear myself call out while stars of a different sort block my vision this time. 

"Garrus!" I cry, throwing my head back when he doesn't stop, dry fucking me with perfect precision through our clothes. 

"Yeah, baby, come on," he growls, voice deep and raspy. He nips my ear, using a hold on my ass to keep me in position so that he can drive me wild. His other hand comes up to my throat again, squeezing just enough to add an element of fear that only elevates my pleasure. Exactly like he knew it would. "You don't know how badly I need to make you cum, Elle. Let yourself go for me, trust me." 

Some ungodly sound rips from my throat, and I cling to him, heat and pressure building so high I'm convinced I'll explode or pass out or - 

"Give it to me, Shepard. Cum for me. Now." I've never been able to refuse or challenge that order, and it's no different now. The orgasm comes swiftly and violently, Garrus swallowing my scream with a kiss. I feel his shallow thrusts take on a much more erratic pace, and then he's using our kiss to muffle himself too while a shudder rocks through him. 

I fight through the fog to kiss him, so afraid that he'll go away now. I thought he didn't want me. 

Relief brings tears to my eyes, and I continue to cling, holding the uninjured side of his face with my other arm thrown around his neck to keep him close. Garrus doesn't seem inclined to move, still hard, and moving his hands everywhere that he can reach again. We slow together, every touch becoming less urgent, our breathing getting back to normal, and the kisses growing soft instead of angry or panicked. 

He breaks away on a gasp and rubs his nose against mine, eyes closed while I watch him. There's finally some peace in his expression, and I'd gladly die again to help him keep that there. I kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheek, the bandage over his face, his in-tact mandible. Garrus keeps his eyes closed and stills his hands on my hips, holding his breath. 

An entirely different need builds in my chest - different than the need to fight him or to fuck him - and for the first time in my life, I don't fight it. 

"Garrus...I love you." 

Impossibly blue eyes fly open, full of shock for a bare second before it's pain that sweeps through, and yet again, he's looking away from me. I pull his face back this time, though. I'm not ashamed of it. I won't apologize. I only regret never saying it before. 

"You don't even know me anymore," he whispers, voice still raspy, but it's not from arousal now. 

I guide him to look at me and then arch my neck up, pressing my forehead against his. "So let me." 

"Shepard, I..." There's something that he wants to say, but I watch Garrus swallow it, and then he smirks. "I really need to change my pants." 

Laughter breaks the tension without leaving a vacuum in that way only laughter can. I know there was more, but I let it go for now because at least we're okay. And because we have time. I'm not letting him go ever again. 

Besides...I missed laughing with him more than anything else. Even more than his ability to make me cum through our pants. 

Garrus climbs off me carefully and groans when he stands, adjusting his wet pants around an impressive erection. Mouth-watering, really. And shit, I would love to get my mouth around that thing right now. We fought for a reason, though, and I sit up while Garrus grabs his duffel bag from the foot of the bed and unbuckles his belt. 

"I want you to come tonight," I tell him honestly. "We both know I'd never leave the ship without you if I could help it. That's still true; nothing about the way I feel about you has changed." Garrus just continues rifling through his clothes and random things, pausing for a moment on a box. "Look at me. Tell me you know it hasn't changed." 

He takes a breath and pauses for a moment before looking at me. "I believe you." 

"Good. Please also try to believe that I'm only trying to protect you," I urge him. "And...I realize that I'm being a little overprotective." He looks at me again, this time with surprise that makes me chuckle. "Watching you try to eat a rocket and get lit up by a machine gun might have something to do with that. Not to mention having to learn how to handle a fever in a cold-blooded species." 

Garrus exhales hard and then moves to sit beside me, groaning when his pants tighten around his cock. "I forgot how annoying it is to constantly have an erection because you're around." 

"Constantly, hmm? If that's true, we didn't have nearly enough sex." He laughs and rolls his eyes at me. "Can you try to understand why I'm worried? And that it's worry - not that I don't trust you?"

"Yeah...yeah, I can see that." He looks down and shakes his head a little. "I get a little crazy when it comes to your safety, Shepard. I always have."

"I know. Frankly, it's one of the things I like most about you." I take a breath, squashing the anxiety threatening to bubble up again. "And that's why I want you to come tonight. But only if you promise to tell me if anything hurts or feels weird or...anything. Okay?"

Garrus nods, meeting my eyes. "Yeah. I promise." 

"Good." I slap my thighs and stand, getting a little more air when I'm not so close to him. And not on a bed. "I'll let you clean yourself up and then...see you for dinner?"

"Worked up an appetite, did you?" he teases. 

"Hmm, I think you worked up my appetite," I respond, leaning down to kiss his forehead lightly. He makes a soft noise deep in his throat and has his eyes closed when I pull away. Peace, again. And I love it. 

I leave him like that, wanting to keep that expression in my mind for as long as possible. The pain is bound to return; he can't seem to escape it for long. But we brought each other some peace, and that's something. Even just knowing we can still do that helps. And telling him that I love him didn't blow up in my face, so I have that win to run with, too. 

Opening up still scares the bejeezus outta me, but it'll be worth it if Garrus and I can keep making progress. If I can keep from losing him again, I'll do whatever it takes.


	10. Maybe

I should be over the moon. I should be absolutely walking on clouds. I should not know so many human idioms, but that's a different story. After the afternoon I just had...Spirits, I should be fucking floating with joy. 

Shepard told me that she loves me. Commander Elle Shepard loves me. 

I knew it before. I remember feeling certain of it, being so sure even when I was heartbroken because she dumped me that we would end up together. We were in love; how could we not? Back then, when she hadn't ever said it but I could feel it, it brought me joy. It made everything in my life easier; it made me feel like I had a purpose. 

And now she's looked me in the eye and said it. Now I've heard her say words I would have given anything to hear two years ago. But now...

She doesn't know who I am. She doesn't know what I've done, what I've become. She doesn't know her own worth, which is probably the worst of it all. The woman I fell in love with, my bondmate, has come back from the dead and finally returns my feelings. And I can't let her act on them. 

Spirits, I couldn't help reacting to her, though. Shepard is the only person who has ever been able to get me pissed off the way that she does. I have a temper, sure, but I can keep my cool, especially when I know my rank. I punched my commanding officer in the face and threw her down, I nearly choked her. Shepard can take it, sure, and she likely would have ended up kicking my ass...but then she submitted, and I was lost.

I haven't dry humped my way to an orgasm since I was a teenager. Shit, I feel like such a fledgling. It would be a disaster if I hadn't made her cum too, but even still. That's not really how I saw our first time back together going - something I fantasized about almost every time I touched myself over the last two years - but Spirits, it was hot. She is unbelievable. Even better than I remembered. 

But loving me...that's too much. That's bad for her. I'm bad for her, and she has to know that. I have to make sure she knows that, so she stays away. I'm only going to hurt her. 

And I love her so much it's shredding me. 

The mission gives me something to focus on, once I've cleaned myself up and gotten into clean BDUs. The problem now is that my armor is decidedly missing. It's a big enough set that I shouldn't have to search, but here I am, tearing apart my duffel bag as if it could possibly hold my entire set of armor. 

"Officer Vakarian." The ship AI manages to startle me yet again. "Jacob took your armor to the Armory earlier. He asked me to tell you." 

"Oh. Well...thanks." Do I need to thank an AI? Is there some sort of protocol on manners for speaking to almost-sentient and very illegal robots? My mother would likely say that yes, I do need to thank an AI. So I'll keep doing it. "Hey, EDI? Please stop calling me 'Officer.' I haven't been an officer of anything for a long time." 

"Okay..." 

Her hesitation makes me smile. "Just Garrus is fine, thanks." 

"Okay, Garrus." 

I head for the Armory, wondering why Jacob would have taken my armor. If he were going to sabotage me in some way, he wouldn't have told EDI to give me a heads up. But honestly with Cerberus and considering my experience with human men around Shepard - and the way they treat me - I don't have a lot of faith. That's probably why I stop in outright shock when I walk into the Armory and find Jacob hard at work...on my armor. 

"Hey, figured you'd be down soon," he says, pulling up the goggles he's using to protect himself from sparks created by laser on metal. "Good timing. I just wrapped up." 

Jacob picks my chest piece up from the table and turns it toward me. He patched up the piece of my armor that was mangled by the rocket blast. It's whole again and looks pretty damn good. Certainly better than it did before. I don't have to worry about this armor doing more harm than it's worth on missions until the new set I bought today is delivered. 

"You...you did this for me?" It's a stupid question all things considered, but I'm feeling smacked pretty stupid right now. 

"Well, yeah. And for Shepard. She's...better now that you're around." He smirks and adds, "Plus, I get the feeling that finding her good side involves getting very firmly on yours." 

I laugh and approach him, accepting the repaired armor. He got the color match perfect; that seems more important now that Shepard is wearing the same colors. My colors. I look up at Jacob and hold my hand out to him. "Thank you. I really appreciate this." 

"No problem, man. We're teammates." He accepts the shake, his hand warm and calloused if a little sweaty. They're the hands of a soldier, and that makes me appreciate him even more. Maybe we could even be friends. 

I drop my armor off in the battery before heading into Mess Hall. Shepard comes out of the elevator with Joker as I arrive, the two of them laughing. Most of the other crew are already around the tables, eating or just laughing. It's a good vibe, one I might be able to get used to. But one that feels incredibly bittersweet. 

My crew, my team isn't here. My fault. 

"Hey, big guy." Shepard's hand lands on my arm and jerks me out of those thoughts. "Where are you?" 

"I'm fine," I lie, aware that it's a lie but that I can't tell her yet. I'm not strong enough; she'll never be able to look at me the same again after and right now...Spirits, right now the look on her face could set me on fire. My smile isn't forced. "I know what you're thinking about." 

She bites her bottom lip in a new move that is almost too sexy and then throws me a wink. Once again, she stays close while we get our trays and then sits closer than she needs to at the table. She isn't shy about touching me either. I don't know what's changed for Shepard that she's so much more affectionate, but I'm not about to question it. Shepard can touch me any damn time she wants. 

"The Starboard observation desk has this huge window and shutters you can put down over them," Joker tells me, his eyes bright with almost uncharacteristic excitement. "We can use it as a screen for gaming." 

"Ooh, it'll be like our own movie theatre!" Gabby chirps. "We should check the Cerberus library, I bet they have a lot of things we couldn't get elsewhere." 

"Yeah, but all the porn will be human only," I quip before I can help myself. Lucky for me, the human-only crew around the table laughs, and Shepard gives me an approving nod. She always did encourage me to be as familiar with our crew as she is. 

"I have a library of diverse porn I can add!" Kelly informs us, far too excited about that. And looking at me way too hard. 

I don't have to wonder if Shepard notices when she drops her fork and plants her hand firmly on my thigh. Rather high up on my thigh, too. And when that hand starts to drift up even further, I have to take hold of her wrist and pull it away from my crotch. It won't take much for her to get me hard. To soften the blow of stopping her, I tangle our fingers together and squeeze. 

"Don't want me staking a claim?" she whispers, looking up at me very pointedly. It takes a real effort to stop the growl that wants to explode from my throat. I could show her exactly how I want to stake claims, and I'd do it right on this table in front of the whole crew if I didn't think she'd regret it after. 

"You don't need to," I tell her, keeping her gaze on mine. I roll my eyes and add, "Especially not with the shrink." 

She snorts out a laugh and shakes her head at me, but I can see that the jealous little flair in her chest has faded. I don't hate that she cares enough to be jealous; part of me has always enjoyed it. But I know that jealousy comes from insecurity - in yourself and in your relationship - and I want to be able to fix that for her. It might be the one good thing I could do for her. 

I could also help by not making her feel like she needs to put on a show for my benefit in front of the crew. She thinks that's helping me stake a claim, I guess. It's not a position I want to put her in. 

"Commander," Miranda announces her presence in the room from way over at her door. Like she needs to warn us. And considering the way the rest of the crew falls silent at her arrival, I wonder if she does. "We should discuss the exchange on Purgatory. As I am not coming with you," she spits, definitely not even bothering to hide the bitterness in her tone, "I need to give you the authorization codes." 

Shepard heaves out a heavy sigh; she doesn't bother to hide that. "Play nice with the other kids," I scold her softly. Emerald eyes flash at me, full of mirth and promises for later before she stands and walks away. I wish I was strong enough not to cast a glance at her ass in retreat until I see her hips swaying; I've never been so happy to submit. 

"Not bad at all," I hear one of the crewmen, Hadley, I think, murmur. There's no doubt in my mind that he's watching her ass, too. Can't blame the guy. And it doesn't make me jealous. How could it? 

Shepard loves me. 

I get ready for Purgatory without being told and meet her at the airlock before Joker docks the ship. They're expecting us, and Cerberus has worked out a deal in advance, but my entire being feels uneasy about this. "Shepard, do me a favor," I begin, checking my ammo before we leave the ship. "Remember what I said about Kuril. He is not to be trusted." 

"Isn't the guy basically galactic law enforcement?" Jacob asks. 

"No, this is all about profit for him. And he makes some seriously questionable choices in morality from what I've heard." I shake my head and catch Shepard's eye. "I just wanna approach this cautiously." 

"Will do," Shepard agrees, not questioning me. "Besides, I'm bringing Archangel as my back-up." Her little wink would settle me more if Archangel didn't run a lot deeper in my bones than she knows. More than I'm willing to tell her. 

We exit the ship into a long hallway with a huge window that gives us a pretty fantastic view of the Normandy in all her glory. There is no real docking bay; they only allow one ship to dock at a time for security. Standing at the end of the hallway is a Turian guard. He might be in full armor with a helmet, but the sight of him turns my stomach. 

"Shepard," I murmur to her, letting Jacob here me while we continue down the hall. "He's a Blue Sun. They all are." Shepard glances at all three of the guards in the hallway, and I see her jaw tighten. We can assume the rest of the ship is run by the gang, too. 

"Any chance they recognize you?" she murmurs, turning her head to eye me. 

I shake my head and tell her, "No." I'm confident in that; I was careful never to be seen with Archangel insignia and my helmet off at the same time. It helps that as far as we know, all of the gangs assume I'm dead after the battle on Omega. She seems content to take my word and nods before we reach the guard. 

"Welcome to the Purgatory," the guard greets us, his tone entirely bored. "Your package is being prepped, and you can claim it shortly. As this is a high-security vessel, you'll need to relinquish your weapons before we proceed." 

Shepard shakes her head. "I can't do that." 

The guard opens his mouth to argue, just before the door behind him opens and a barefaced Turian with Blue Suns armor and far too much swagger walks through. I only need a glance to know who he is. 

"Everyone, stand down." He says it like an announcement, holding his hands out. "Commander, I'm Warden Kuril, and this is my ship. Your weapons will be returned on the way out. You must realize this is just a standard procedure." 

"It's my standard procedure to keep my gun," Shepard responds, cocking her head to the side in a move that I recognize as meaning everything she says is dripping in sarcasm. Whether or not Kuril knows enough humans to recognize that tone, I can't say. But he doesn't speak for a long moment, the two of them just staring at each other. I keep my fingers steady, but I'm fully prepared to grab my rifle. 

Finally, Kuril sighs. "Let them proceed. Our facility is more than secure enough to handle three armed guests." 

That's threat number one. This asshole can have three strikes, and then Shepard will just have to be pissed at me for putting a bullet between his eyes. 

The guard steps aside, and we approach Kuril, waiting for us by the door. "We're bringing Jack out of cryo. As soon as the funds clear, you can be on your way. If you'll follow me for out processing, Commander?"

"Let's go." 

We follow Kuril through the doors into another set of hallways. He takes a turn to give us a wall-sized window and a look into the prison operations. Even if I couldn't hear his subtones, his pride would be obvious. "Cellblock Two," he tells us. "As you can see, we keep tight control over the population." 

The cells are modular units, stacked ten or twelve high. Massive mechanical arms move to grab and shift the cells. One of them pulls a cell into the middle of the room, placing it on a platform. I can assume that's Jack, especially since the cell is marked as being cryogenically frozen. It's enough to make me wonder. If other prisoners are walking free in the cells I can see from here, why did Jack need to be frozen?

"Each prisoner's cell is a self-contained, modular unit. I've blown a few out the airlock as an example," Kuril brags to Shepard. "The ship is made up of thirty cell blocks identical to this one. We house thousands of criminals, and we can put the whole place on lockdown at a moment's notice. Nothing goes wrong here." 

Shepard pauses at the end of the hall, near the window. "How'd you end up running this ship?"

"I worked in law enforcement on Palaven and got sick of seeing criminals escape out into the galaxy to carry on with their crimes." He motions toward the prison on the other side of the window, so full of himself I could vomit. "Every day, I see the worst sapient life has to offer. Governments are soft, unwilling to make hard choices. Someone had to stand up and make the galaxy safe." 

Jacob catches my eye and rolls his dramatically. At least I'm not the only one who can see through his bullshit. 

"Maintaining a population this size in space can't be cheap." Shepard's tight tone tells me that all three of us have a distaste for Kuril. And again, he doesn't notice at all. 

"We can cut corners that governments can't," he answers simply like he's not talking about the mistreatment of people who have rights, including ethical treatment. "And each prisoner brings in a fee from his homeworld. These individuals are violent, and their homeworlds pay to keep them here." 

There it is. "Tell her what happens if the homeworld government can't pay." 

Kuril shoots daggers at me but doesn't hesitate to flash a cocky smirk. "We explain that we can't maintain the prisoner without their help, and we'll be forced to release him back onto his homeworld. At an unspecified place and time." 

Shepard makes a disgusted noise, and Jacob demands, "You scare the homeworlds with the threat of the prisoners?"

"So much for standing up and keeping the galaxy safe," Shepard mutters. 

"You don't have to agree with my methods, but don't question my motives," Kuril snaps at us. "These are despicable people, and I'm keeping them locked up." 

"As long as you can continue to extort their homeworlds," I retort. 

"Let's get on with this," Shepard interjects before Kuril can lob something back at me. It's easy to see he doesn't like her, and I notice it clearly when his eyes shift back and forth between my armor and Shepard's, but he turns away and continues to lead us through the hallways. 

Through the next window, we can see two prisoners walking toward one another, each of them with a guard. The prisoners start to shove one another, and almost immediately, a system nearby traps each of them in a biotic field. I can hear the smile in his voice when Kuril says, "We have many ways to control our population." 

We pass through yet another set of doors, getting deeper into this ship than I'd like to, and Kuril stops. "I'm going to confirm that the funds from Cerberus cleared. Out processing is straight down this hallway. Just keep going past the interrogation rooms and the supermax wing." 

He starts walking away, down a different hall, taking that same sauntering pace. "I'll see you later...Shepard." 

And I can't fully explain why, but as far as I'm concerned, that is threat number two.

"Wow, he was a giant dick," Shepard mutters, watching the warden go. 

I scoff. "That much attitude? He doesn't have a giant anything." They both laugh and Shepard motions for us to follow her per Kuril's directions. "He also didn't work in law enforcement on Palaven. I'd be willing to bet on it." 

"You mean because he's barefaced?"

"You remembered," I praise her, pretty impressed. 

She laughs. "Time didn't pass for me. If I forgot, it would be an issue." I chuckle with her, but I don't like the reminder that only one of us spent two years away from the other. Shepard said it felt like she just woke up from a nap, so everything from our past is entirely present to her. She doesn't realize how much has changed, how bad things have gotten. 

It's a good thing. I wouldn't wish suffering like I've dealt with for the last two years on anyone, but especially not someone I love as much as Shepard. 

The sound of a yelp and a low moaning interspersed with what is unmistakable as a boot on flesh reaches us. We turn a corner and find a Turian guard standing in the hall, watching another guard - that one human - kick the hell out of a prisoner who is on the ground and begging for mercy. A growl rumbles through me before I can help it, and I itch to grab my rifle, but Shepard gives me a stand down signal. 

The guard outside the cell hears my growl and pissed off subtones, so he turns and looks us all over. "Can I do something for you?"

"There's no excuse for beating a prisoner who can't fight back," Shepard snaps at him.

"This is a massage compared to what his victims when through," the guard replies dismissively, turning back to the window like he doesn't want the show interrupted. "Besides, we have orders." 

Shepard scoffs, "What, you're not important enough to make your own decisions?" The guard turns to look at her again, and Shepard motions toward the cell. "This degrades you as much as him." 

There's a pause, and I can hear the shift in the guard's subtones to signal when Shepard gets through to him. Damn, this woman is impressive. "Yeah...I admit, sometimes I get tired of this. You're right." He speaks to the other guard through his comms and orders. "Call it off." To us or to himself, he adds, "For now." 

It gets the guard inside to stop, though, allowing the prisoner to curl into a ball in the corner and lick his wounds. I seriously doubt they have an infirmary or will even give him Medi-Gel to help the poor guy out. Criminal or not, there's no excuse for that. 

We try to continue down the hall, but a frantic voice calls to us from the next cell, a human banging on the glass inside. "Hey! If you're buying prisoners, could you buy me?"

"Hey, gotta appreciate his effort," Jacob laughs. 

Shepard, who can never help herself, slows to talk to the guy. I would object and tug her along if I was willing to risk making her think I don't trust her again. Granted, that fight didn't end too badly for either of us last time. 

"Man, I don't care where you take me or what you do to me, it's got to be better than this," the prisoner laments. 

Okay, now I have to intervene. Shepard's heart is just big enough for me to believe that she'd try to rescue more than one prisoner while we're here - criminals or no. "He can get himself out, kid," I advise, using the nickname, so she knows I'm not being obstinate. "We're here for Jack." 

"Jack?" the prisoner repeats, taking a step back from the window. "Forget what I just said. I don't want to go nowhere with you."

"Well, that can't be a good sign," Jacob mutters. 

"What do you know about Jack?" I ask him, inclined to agree with Jacob. If a prisoner is scared of Jake, what the hell are we getting ourselves into?

He scoffs. "The worst trouble you ever saw, mixed with some crazy and way too much biotic power. That's all I'm saying." 

"Hey, you mentioned buying prisoners," Shepard begins, stepping a little closer to the glass. I follow and stay close. Whether or not he's in a cell, I want criminals like this no where near Shepard. "I thought this ship was a prison, not a market." 

"Sometimes people buy cons so they can do some punishing of their own if you know what I mean," the prisoner explains. "Warden sells to whoever can pay enough. But at least it keeps the guards from going too far when they get a little too excited, like with Bimmy over there." He motions toward the cell beside his where that guy was just beaten. "Warden can't make money off of us if we're dead." 

Shepard considers that for a moment, the muscle in her jaw ticking, and I hold my breath. This woman is too full of surprises for me to even begin to guess what she'll do next. She takes a deep breath and said, "I should go." 

We start to walk away and hear him groan, "I wish I could go." 

"You can't take them all, Shepard," I tell her softly, well aware that anything resembling captivity or slavery is a trigger for her. "They don't necessarily deserve what Kuril is doing, but they're in prison for a reason. We can't take on that trouble, not now." 

"Yeah. Especially since it sounds like Jack will be enough of it," Shepard agrees. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeeze even though she can't feel it through the armor. She knows, and when she smiles, I know she appreciates it; that's all that matters. 

As if on cue to drive my point home, the prisoner in the final cell on the hall starts screaming, something about voices in his head and how much he likes them. Shepard glances at me and nods, confirmation we're doing the right thing. We're taking Jack for biotic support, but we have an entire galaxy to save. Prisoners running around on the Normandy will not be a help with that. 

Around the corner, we find a room with a sign marking it as out processing and step through the doors. It's a long room with several rows of tables and chairs, a small waiting area, and a couple consoles. It's empty except for a technician at a console near the door who looks over his shoulder to say, "Outprocessing is through the doors at the end of the room." 

He points, and Shepard nods, leading us in that direction. She sidesteps a massive and disgusting looking stain on the metal floor as we go. The doors the tech directed us to open with a whoosh and my heart drops with a whoosh of its own. "Wait!" I reach out and grab the back of her armor, yanking Shepard back. She frowns at me, but I motion into the room and see understanding dawn. 

The room is small, a compact box with no windows or seats or another exit. It also has shackles on the floor, ceiling, and each wall. This isn't out processing, it's a cell, and Shepard nearly walked right in. 

Rage is already coursing through me by the time Kuril's voice comes over the ship-wide comms. "My apologies, Shepard. You're more valuable as a prisoner than a customer. Drop your weapons and proceed into this open cell. You will not be harmed." 

"Hey," Shepard snaps, pulling her assault rifle into her hands. Jacob and I follow her lead and turn back to face the room, entirely empty now. "Why don't you blow me, and we'll see how valuable you are?" 

"Activate systems!" Kuril calls, alarms instantly following his command. Alarms and the Blue Suns mercs who burst in through the doors. 

Jacob and Shepard dive behind the nearest table for cover, and I take two long strides before sliding across the room and behind the next table forward. Bullets spray behind me, but none of them hit, and now I have a vantage to see who is coming down the hall. When the guards rush the room, they funnel into my scope at the doorway. Any who get through by sheer number are quickly taken down by Shepard or Jacob.

Shepard starts the push toward the door first, and I take her lead, keeping her covered as we continue to wipe out the suns and the Fenris mechs they're using. We know we're making progress when Kuril comes over the comms and shouts, "Reinforce out processing. Shepard is loose!" 

The last of the guards in this wave fall, and we move into the hallway. Jacob starts to move back the way we came from, but I stop him. "We need to get Jack out of cryo, and we know it's not back that way." 

"He's right," Shepard agrees. "This way." 

We head down the hallway to the left, my visor preventing us from getting surprised by the guards hiding around the bend in the hallway. When we push through them, we move into a new room with a few of the cell blocks and the cryo cell that was taken. A tech at the console - the same one to sent us to that cell in out processing - is looking around for a way to run. 

"Shepard is on the loose!" he screams into his comms, awkwardly bouncing side to side like an opening will just appear. "Repeat, Shepard's loose. Get people down here!" He makes a move to start running, and I only need one bullet to make sure he never does. 

"Garrus!" Shepard snaps, startling me. "He wasn't armed!" 

"He works for the Suns. They're all dangerous," I counter. She is clearly not convinced, and her green eyes blaze at me. 

Jacob moves between us, likely also noticing how pissed off she is. "We can argue about that later. Let's get the hell out of here, please?" I hate leaving Shepard mad at me, a hell of a lot more than I used to, but he's right; we have to get moving or risk getting cornered in this room. 

We step up to the console, and Shepard is at least liking me enough right now to let me take over. Unfortunately, without spending a lot of time figuring out how their system works, the only option I really have is to open the cells. Every single one of them - Jack's included. I explain to Shepard and assure her, "It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo." 

"Do it," she confirms with a nod. "Be ready." 

I get the controls going, and we watch a mechanical arm pull the center up out of the cryo container and lift it onto the platform. A billow of steam comes with it, and three huge YMIR mechs move into position at the end of the platform. They've been programmed to be ready for a disaster with Jack, and it doesn't make me feel good. 

When we get a clear view of Jack, I have to lean forward to make sure I'm seeing this right. "Jack is...a girl?" Jacob breathes, sounding as surprised as I feel. 

Jack isn't just a girl, she's young, and she's tiny. She's bald, covered in tattoos from head to toe, and she's almost completely naked. There's no way the thin leather band across her chest could be called a top, whether or not it covers her nipples. 

And this is the person that everyone on this prison ship is afraid of?

I'm about to voice my concerns when Jack starts to stir. She realizes in a split second where she is, and pure rage flashes over her face, including a snarl that looks impressively Turian. And then she yanks one arm right out of the steel restraint around her wrist like it's nothing. The next arm comes out too, and I can only stare on in shock when the tiny human pulls the collar from her neck and frees herself. 

Jack isn't done. The mechs move into position, and we hear her roar through the glass, a mighty bellow for such a small creature. Her entire body glows blue with biotics, and she runs towards the mechs. Fearless. From our angle, all we get to see is the explosion before Jack is gone. 

I am gonna like Jack. 

"Oh, I gotta see this," I tell Shepard, pushing her toward the door to snap her out of shock. "Let's go!" 

We haul ass down a flight of stairs and into the room where Jack escaped. I turn, expecting to see a door that Jack disappeared to. Instead, we're facing three dead mechs and a huge hole torn right through the steel walls of the ship. Severed wires inside the walls spark and spit, uselessly trying to find somewhere for their energy to go. 

"You ever seen a biotic like this?" Shepard asks Jacob. He shakes his head, eyes wide, and Shepard sighs but then motions for us to follow her. We use the hole Jack cut for us and take it into a hallway. 

"All guards: restore order," Kuril commands, his tone definitely getting more frantic now. "Lethal force authorized, but don't kill Jack. Techs: lockdown! Lockdown!" 

"He's still hoping to sell her to the highest bidder." Shepard scoffs. "What a dick." 

Several guards lay dead in the halls, and the ship computer confirms that the damage is much more widespread than that. "Sectors Seven, Nine, and Eleven have lost life support. No survivors." 

Jack is tearing the whole damn ship apart. 

We use another of her holes and move into a cellblock area where it's total chaos, prisoners and guards at all-out war, and the machines going haywire. There's a door at the far end of the room, but Jack blasted a hole through it instead of just walking like normal. "This kid is powerful, but she lacks subtlety." I hear Shepard snicker at that, but we don't have time to address it before a guard notices us and fires. Just like that, we're sucked into the war. 

Again, we push forward through the room, always moving toward our target even while we fight. Guard or prisoner, anyone in the fight goes down. We have to get Jack and go; Shepard is single-minded, and we move efficiently. Jacob fits well, throwing in his biotics as fire support and following orders without hesitation. He's powerful too and not bad with his shotgun. 

"All prisoners, return to your cells immediately, or I'll open every airlock on this ship." Kuril is shrieking over the comms now, obviously nearing panic mode. I can't help a smile when I remember his smug grin while he told us that nothing goes wrong here. He just hadn't met Shepard yet. 

We manage to clear the room and push through, heading for Jack's next hole to follow her. The ship computer warns of more sectors losing life support and fire breaking out all over the ship. With or without Jack, we aren't going to be able to stay on the ship much longer. 

"Shepard," EDI says, breaking over our comms. "The warden has locked down the area behind you. You must find another exit route." 

Just as EDI finishes, the ship's computer announces, "Power plant damage has led to overload. Core systems failure imminent." 

I notice Shepard's jaw tick, and my visor records a jump in her heart rate, but she shows no other signs of reaction or concern. I don't need those signs to know she's freaking out a little, but she'll hold it together. "Let's move at double time," she orders while breaking into a run toward the hole out of the room. 

"And let's hope Jack has the sense to head for the docking bay," I chime in, keeping up while we use the worst of Jack's damage to tear through the ship. Kuril is screaming lockdown orders and directions to find Jack over comms, and we end up in another major firefight in the next room. Shepard keeps us from stopping or even taking much over; we aren't wasting any time. The ship's computer doesn't help, reporting multiple hull breaches and no survivors all over the ship.   
We pass through another door, under a sign that says "Cellblock One" just as Kuril orders all remaining guards to the same location. 

And there he is waiting for us on the platform at the opposite end of the room. Kuril is using some kind of fancy shield system that he obviously feels cocky behind, picking off prisoners with a rifle. The shield is held up by a series of mini-generators. 

I take cover with Shepard behind some boxes before Kuril spots us, and Jacob does the same a few feet away. "See the generators?" she asks. 

"Yeah. We get those down, we'll have a clear shot at Kuril." 

She nods. "You and Jacob give me cover; I'll get the generators down. I should be able to just shoot 'em, right?"

"Almost definitely, but I could do that with my rifle instead of having you break cover." 

Shepard blinks at me and then lets out a humorless little laugh. "You used to be a lot better at taking orders, Vakarian. Is it you or your opinion of me that's changed?"

"Excuse me? First of all, I thought we already determined that I trust you." I'm doing my best not to snap at here even while I know this has to be a quick conversation. "And I'm not questioning your orders. I'm not allowed to give you my take, an opinion anymore? That's changed?" 

"I - " 

A blast hits the boxes, and we're forced to scatter. Even worse, we're forced to listen to Kuril monologuing. "You're valuable, Shepard," he shouts, voice echoing around the room. "I could have sold you and lived like a king. But you're too much trouble." Hard to argue. "At least I can recapture Jack." 

"Not happening," Shepard replies in that cocky and casual tone I love so much. "You're a two-bit slave trader, and I don't have time for it." 

"I do the hard things governments are unwilling to! This is for the good of the galaxy!" he screeches at us. I have to wonder if this asshole even hears himself. 

Shepard catches my eye and pauses; seconds ago, she was upset with me for suggesting an alternative, and now she wants my approval. This woman made more sense when she was walled off and never told me a damn thing. 

There's nothing wrong with her plan, though, even if it puts her at unnecessary risk, so I nod, and she instantly takes off running toward the first generator.   
Jacob catches on and helps me give her cover fire. Kuril is so worked up that he doesn't know which of us to fire at, and that means none of his shots are great. When what looks like his stragglers come in and join the fight, they go down pretty damn easy. The final generators go down, and then all Kuril has to protect him are his personal shields; those go down with a single, well-placed shot from my rifle. Shepard takes it from there and loads the asshole up. Kuril goes down exactly as hard as I would have expected him to. 

"Look!" Jacob shouts, pointing above and behind me. I whirl around, expecting an enemy. Instead, through the window onto the docking bay hallway, we watch Jack hauling ass toward the end of the dock where the Normandy is waiting. 

It occurs to me that we should get the hell up there before Jack fights her way on and destroys our ship, too. Shepard must be on the same page because she races toward the end of the room, where a flight of stairs will lead us up to reach Jack. When we get there, she's pacing back and forth, throwing her hands up and muttering swear words under her breath. And damn she knows a lot of them - some that I'm definitely borrowing.

Before we have a chance to say a thing, a guard sneaks out from cover at the other end of the hall and aims at Jack. One shot, no scope needed, and he goes down with a hole between his eyes. Jack startles, staring at the dead body, and then spins to gawk at us. I put my rifle down, but the human biotic doesn't put her guard down. "What the hell do you want?"

"You're in a bad situation, and I'm going to get you out of here," Shepard answers. 

"Shit, you sound like a pussy." I glance to Shepard in time to see her brows shoot up, but she doesn't react as poorly as I'd feared. The fact that Jack is pacing the hall like a wounded animal while managing to look like a child and a psycho all at once probably has something to do with that. "You're with Cerberus." 

"Why does it matter if I am?" Shepard counters, not giving an inch. 

"They've been on my ass for years," Jack snarls. "Every time I get free, they put a huge bounty on me. That's why Warden Kuril figured he struck gold when he caught me. It hasn't worked out too well for him." 

I shrug and offer, "You're welcome." 

Jack's eyes flash to me, but before she can say anything, Shepard admits, "I don't work for Cerberus. I'm here to ask for your help." 

"You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere and say they don't work for them. You think I'm stupid?" Jack demands. 

Shepard shrugs. "I don't care what you think. Look at your options. This ship is going down in flames and I'm getting the hell off of it. I can get you to safety, and I'm asking for your help. Me, not Cerberus." 

"We could just shoot her and patch her up on the ship," Jacob announces, disdain dripping from his words. It's the first time he's genuinely pissed me off. 

Jack stares at him, glows blue from head to toe, and smiles at him. "I'd like to see you try." 

"No," Shepard responds, glaring at Jacob. "We're not going to attack her." 

"Smart move," Jack quips. She takes a step forward and says, "Look, you want me to come with you, make it worth my while." 

Shepard laughs at that. "You don't have to bargain. Join my team, and I'll do what I can for you." 

Jack moves forward to put her finger in Shepard's face. I tighten my hold on my rifle but don't lift it yet. She's just a scared kid. I don't doubt that her bite is just as bad, if not worse, than her bite, but... she's a kid. I want her on the team as much to prevent guys like Kuril ever from getting near her again, as I want her to help with our mission. 

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Shepard," Jack snaps. "I bet your ship's got lots of Cerberus databases. I want to look at those files. See what Cerberus has got on me. You want me on your team? Let me go through those databases." 

"Shepard - " 

"I'll give you full access," Shepard agrees, holding her hand out to Jack and ignoring Jacob all together.   
"You better be straight up with me." Shepard just continues to hold out her hand and keep Jack's gaze. After a tense pause, Jack slaps her hand inside Shepard's palm. "What the hell are we still standing here for?" 

Shepard nods and orders, "Move out." 

Jack turns and struts toward the ship, and Jacob follows her. I'm waiting for Shepard to start moving, but she turns toward me instead. "Can we talk? On the ship - not this exploding one?" she asks.

"Of course," I reply, always grateful that Shepard even wants to talk now. This is a lot different than the Shepard I was chasing around before. Even if we're going to fight a lot more, it still feels better than never knowing where I stood. 

I may even feel optimistic enough to believe that this is progress, that maybe...

Maybe we can make this work. Maybe I'm not too far gone, and she cares enough, and...maybe.


	11. This Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm out of town tomorrow so this week's chapter drop is a day early! Yay!
> 
> This is also probably a good time (and a good chapter) to remind slash warn you that this story is about to get very smutty, and the temperature will continue to rise from here. If that's not your thing, turn back now (no hard feelings). 
> 
> Otherwise, get a cold shower ready and enjoy! Comments & kudos are always appreciated!

Garrus has changed. 

He was always a rogue and a rebel; he was always one to question authority. It's one of the things I like about him most - then and now. But Garrus always respected my leadership. It wasn't blind following, but it wasn't insubordination either. 

Garrus made his own moves on Purgatory. He didn't wait for an order, didn't consider what I was doing, he even gave Jacob a couple orders. He's a born leader, sure, but I can't have him undermining me on a mission. And certainly not in front of the crew. The last thing I want is another fight with Garrus today or to make him feel like I don't trust him. I have to draw a line, though. 

I want to fight with him even less when I realize that Jack is practically drooling over him in the airlock. I certainly can't blame her; even with the serious bandage on the side of his face, Garrus is beyond sexy. He's also pretty much oblivious to Jack's eyes on him, and that actually makes him sexier. The other women on the ship, Gabby and Kelly, haven't been able to stop looking at him for long, either. I wish it didn't all make me so damn jealous. 

"We have room for you in the crew quarters," Jacob tells Jack as the doors open to release us back onto the ship. Joker has turned his seat around and is not at all subtle about the look on his face when he sees Jack. 

"I'm not bunking with Cerberus," Jack spits as if Jacob suggested she take a roll in Elcor shit. "Point me toward the lowest deck on the ship and send a cot down there." 

Garrus gives her directions to the elevator and then to Engineering, a little smirk on his face the whole time. I can tell he's a fan, and knowing how Garrus feels about people who can create general chaos for our enemies, I'm not surprised. She walks away, drawing the attention of every crew member in the CIC, and Joker shakes his head before giving me a salute and turning back to his console. 

"You mind if I shower before we talk?" Garrus asks as we walk back across the bridge. "I didn't get a chance before the mission, and I was, uh, kinda messy." 

There's no hiding in my smile in response to that. Or my arousal, which I'm sure he's aware of. Damn him; even when I'm annoyed with him, Garrus turns me on.   
I want to ask him to come upstairs with me. I want to bring him into that massive, luxurious shower I have waiting, and I want his hands all over me. And then I remember how bright the lights in that shower are and how different my body is now and...

Garrus wanted me earlier, there's no denying that. But I don't know if I'm ready to parade around naked in front of him with the lights on - and when he's not delirious from fever. I don't know if Garrus will still want me when he sees the entire package and when I also don't know what or who Garrus has done for the last two years. I'm not ready. 

"Yeah, okay. I'm gonna shower, too. Will you come up when you're done?" 

"Hey, big guy, we gonna test out these new games?" Joker asks, joining us in the CIC with a hopeful as hell look on his face. Hadley immediately chimes in that he wants to play. And I can see how eager Garrus looks, too. 

Still, he shakes his head and starts to turn them down or at least delay them. But he's bonding with the crew like a leader should. I don't want to get in the way of that. "It's fine, Garrus. Play. When you're done..." 

I stop automatically, censoring myself because other people are around. Right away, I can see Garrus's mandibles tighten to his face. It's like his whole face is saying, ‘here we go again.’ 

So I step closer, much closer than could be considered professional, and press my hand to his chest. "Come up and see me." 

Now his expression is outright shocked, but Garrus manages a nod. I love making him even a little less smooth and charming than usual. It makes me feel like even ground with the guy is possible. I flash him a smile and then turn away, well aware that his eyes are trained on my ass. And I have no complaints. 

The shower might be a little lonelier than I'd like, sure, but the water is hot, and the pressure is great, and the mirror is at an angle that prevents me from seeing myself naked. My shoulders are tight, and I let the water pound them; it's probably stress from a simple pick-up that turned into a kidnapping attempt. Garrus was right about that Warden from the start. 

Garrus was right about a lot of the moves he made. All of them, really. They may not have been exactly what I would have done or when, but they were excellent. The dossier on Archangel mentioned strategic brilliance, and it was the tipping point toward my believing Archangel was Garrus; I've always known how brilliant he is on a battlefield. And Chakwas was right that he was ready for battle, exceptional with every bullet. Without him, the day could have gone a lot differently. 

Maybe it doesn't matter that he acts without orders. He used to do the same thing in a way; back then, I thought about it as a good thing that he anticipated what I wanted. Now I'm looking at the same thing as insubordination. 

Why? Is he right, that I've lost faith in him?

Even the thought seems absurd. Garrus being here has given my faith in everything back. I couldn't do this without him, that got proven to me in the two weeks I was forced to. The months without him before dying weren't the same either. I felt...disconnected. Then, I blamed it on being shit Geth-chasing missions instead of doing anything that mattered. But maybe Garrus was the difference. 

My faith in him is solid. His faith in me has always felt unshakeable. My faith in myself...

I was rebuilt. Resurrected from the dead, pieced back together, filled with cybernetics, and made alive again. I'm supposed to be all me. Miranda said that the Illusive Man would have considered Operation Lazarus a failure if I didn't come back exactly the same as I was - including the parts of me that hate Cerberus and the Illusive Man. 

There's a sense of not being in the right body, though. Or maybe just not really being in this body. A disconnect. I was never exactly confident, trauma from the Batarians and comments during my early years in the military wreaking havoc, but this is different. It feels like I'm not quite home. I feel closer to normal when I'm in battle, probably because the fight comes so naturally. But it still isn't quite right. 

Maybe my issue with Garrus making his own moves and decisions on the battlefield isn't because of Garrus but because losing confidence in myself makes it hard to release any control. Kelly would probably enjoy my little conundrum, but that is just never happening. My options on who to talk to are limited to one oversized Turian who is going to have to understand it's not him I don't trust. 

Clean and muscles a little looser, I get out of the shower and dry off quickly. I wrap a towel under my arms while brushing my teeth and running a comb through my hair. That's a lot harder than it used to be; it feels like I have ten feet of extra hair when I know logically, it's just a few inches. Maybe half a foot. Aesthetically I like it, but I need to learn how to maintain this mess of curls. I also need to find out if Chakwas can do anything about the scars on my face, nasty and glowing still. At least the ones on my body, I can hide. 

Steam follows me out of the shower, and I dress in a loose pair of shorts with a long-sleeved t-shirt before sitting down and ambling through my emails. Admiral Hackett has learned I'm back and is putting me to work for Fifth Fleet; the Alliance may not be willing to approve what I'm doing, but they'll take advantage of it. Not that I blame them. At least on missions for them, I'll know I'm on the right side of things. 

Sleep beckons. It's getting late - the mission taking quite a bit longer than anticipated - and I haven't been sleeping well, but just the sight of the bed is enough to keep me awake. I grab my blanket and pillow and toss them onto the couch for another miserable night. I'd rather not sleep than have the skylight threatening me all night. 

I'm sure Garrus will be playing video games for a while, Cerberus determined to indulge us apparently, so I might as well try to grab a couple hours now. I send him a quick message, letting him know the door will be unlocked, and then settle in. On cold leather. 

For sitting, the couch is extremely comfortable. Considering the size, I think it's probably even better for making out. But for sleep...well, it's a couch. 

I roll toward the back of the couch to block out the blue light from my fish tank - maybe I should get fish - and close my eyes. At least I can usually sleep for a couple hours before the nightmares kick in. 

No such luck tonight, though. It feels like the moment my eyes are closed, I can feel the cold of space creeping into my lungs and straight down to my bones. I scream and can't hear it, I pull in breaths desperately and get nothing, I fight with my helmet and the lens frosts. My heart races too hard, so fast that it's painful, and I'm convinced it'll explode right from my chest. 

And I'm alone. Completely alone. I'm dying entirely alone all over again. 

Only this time...someone is here. Fear that it might be the Reapers or Collectors is even colder in my veins than the actual ice from space. But hands touch my arms, even my face. Warm hands, leathery soft but rough from use. Familiar. 

I can feel those hands guiding me out of space, pulling me through the void, but it only makes my heart race faster, and I still can't breathe and - 

"Hey, come on, kid." 

Garrus. 

Consciousness rushes in and smacks me across the face, yanking me violently from sleep. I register something above me and swing at it instantly but never get the impact, my hand getting pinned back down at my side instead. 

"Shepard, open your eyes." They fly open, obeying the command, and Garrus's impossibly blue eyes immediately start to settle my heart. 

But the problem with a comedown from a nightmare like that is that it's never steady or slow or gentle. Instead, I go plummeting back into reality with nothing to catch me. A sound that doesn't even seem human tears from my throat. My cheeks grow wet, and I lose my breath all over again, sobs threatening to choke me. 

"Okay, alright." Garrus gathers me into his arms and pulls me into his lap, holding me tight. I cling, terrified that if I let go, space will grab me again. He whispers softly while I bury my face in his throat and beg for mercy from the universe. "Hey, you're okay. I'm here, baby. Try to breathe." 

I thrash my head back and forth, only able to take quick gasps. 

"You can, come on. Listen to me breathe, baby, and do it with me. We'll breathe together, okay?" Garrus starts very intentionally breathing in and out, slow and deep, and audible breaths. I focus on matching them, listening to his steady heartbeat. It feels like it takes forever, and my back is burning by the time I manage to control my breaths, but Garrus never releases me or complains. 

I unclench my fists, fingers cramped, and wrap my arms around his chest while resting my head on his shoulder instead of hiding my face. Garrus starts to slowly rub my spine, his big hand covering just about all of me and easing the ache in my shoulders and spine. 

"Good girl," Garrus breathes when I take a deep breath all on my own. Whether or not this body is mine or a rebuilt suit, I still respond to that praise and it even manages to make me smile. I feel him nuzzle my hair and inhale deeply. "You smell fantastic." 

"Thanks," I laugh, not moving or releasing him. It feels good to laugh, more of the tension inside me easing. I take another breath, guilt following the air into my chest. "I'm sorry about that. Your shirt is wet." 

"We both know I don't care about my shirt," he murmurs, rubbing my back still to make the point that he's not letting go. "You wanna talk about it?" 

I shake my head, but my heart isn't in that. It doesn't feel good. It's not like I want to bare my soul, and I certainly don't want to talk about the nightmares, but shutting Garrus out - again - would be worse. "I remember dying. I remember how cold I was, the way my lungs burned...it was so dark." 

Garrus is the one breathing rapidly now, and I can feel his heart thumping. He wraps his arms completely around me, holding his elbows in the opposite hands so that he's got me fully encircled. And this time I think it's for his benefit and not mine. I tighten my hold around his waist for both of us. "And that's what you dream about?"

"Yeah. Almost every time I sleep." 

"Oh. I thought I remembered something about the skylight from when I was sick but that whole night is...fuzzy." Considering his brain was boiling, I don't blame him for not remembering every detail. "You can see space through it. That's why you aren't sleeping in your own bed." 

I nod, unable to voice that without feeling ashamed. It's like fearing the monsters in your closet. I'm a soldier, a commander on a mission to save the universe. I have no business being afraid of a window and especially not of what is essentially our battlefield. Space is where I've lived since I was sixteen. It's also where I've died. 

"It's ridiculous, I know. I work on a starship, and now I'm afraid of space." 

"Hush." Garrus presses his mouth to the top of my head, I think to try and soften the blow. What he doesn't know is I hear that word and picture him naked, in charge, taking control of me. That helps ease the cold inside me a bit. "What you went through, Shepard...I don't think most people could have ever gotten back on a ship. Especially not so soon." 

I laugh at that. "Yeah, well. I have a galaxy to save." 

"And that's why you're amazing," he breathes softly. "Although you'd probably be a little more impressive if you could manage to get some real sleep." 

"Ha! If I was much more impressive, I wouldn't need you around." Garrus laughs, the sound rumbling through his carapace and into me. It's soothing, warming. Arousing. 

Garrus stiffens just a bit when I press my hands into his spine, my fingers dancing along the edge of a plate. "You should, uh...try to get some rest. In the bed where you can actually sleep." 

"I can't lay there and stare at that thing, Garrus," I tell him. "It's...suffocating. The couch is fine." 

"What if...what if I stayed until you fell asleep?" he offers, voice soft but deep. I sit up enough to look at him and find a blush creeping up his throat. It's warm under my fingers, and only then do I realize I moved to touch his neck. Garrus swallows but doesn't tilt his head back, and I never expected him to. That's even more arousing. 

"You can stay." I barely recognize my own voice, but the courage to shift until I'm straddling his lap is even less familiar. Garrus inhales sharply then moves his hands like he doesn't know where to put them. "And maybe you could help me get tired enough to sleep." 

"Oh, shit, Shepard," he mutters under his breath, closing his eyes tight for a brief moment. "We...we can't. I don't...

Ouch. 

"Yeah, no, that's okay." I start to slide back off of his legs, to get some distance and stop assaulting him. I can't believe I just threw myself on him. "I get it, I do." 

"Shepard, stop." He tries to catch my arm but I shove his hand away. "Elle, stop," he growls, yanking me against him by the small of my back. I lose my breath when we're pressed against each other, his mouth just inches from mine. And so are his very angry blazing blue eyes. "I can't, Shepard, I'm..." The anger fades and Garrus's head falls forward, that shamed look coming over him again. "You don't know me anymore." 

"You said that earlier, too." I shake my head and press even closer, moving my hands to his face while being extra gentle on the injured side. "For what it's worth, I think you're wrong. But we're both here now. Why don't you let me know you?"

Garrus takes in a breath that makes him shudder and wraps his hands around my wrists. He doesn't pull my hands away, but he does stop them. "You won't like what you find," he breathes like it's a confession. "And I...Shepard, I won't survive you again." 

My throat tightens and a pain like a gunshot lances through my chest, knocking the breath out of me. My heart breaks for him, for the pain I can see in his eyes. What happened to him? How much of it was my fault? 

"Oh, Garrus." I lean in slow enough to let him stop me and press my forehead against his. Garrus tenses and makes a strangled sort of noise. "I'm so sorry." 

"Don't do this," he whispers. "I can't stop you, can't deny you. I can't." He pushes his forehead more firmly against mine, breathing hard - almost panting. An odd sensation, like static electricity, shoots through me. "I'm not what you deserve," he breathes. "I can't be." 

"What I deserve? You know I hate being put on a pedestal, Vakarian, don't do that." I shake my head to stop his objections. "I'm basically a zombie, Garrus. You should...God, you should see the scars. All over me. I don't... I'm not even sure whose body this really is. And besides, I work for a terrorist organization. I'm a traitor if you ask most of the galaxy. What I deserve is not very good." 

"Technically, we both work for a terrorist organization," he quips, making both of us laugh and easing some of the tension. "I know this body is yours, Shepard," he whispers, pulling our foreheads apart to nuzzle my face with his. His hands land on my thighs and squeeze lightly, warmth from knowing that he's inches from slipping under my shorts zipping to my core. 

I press my hand against his carapace, right over his heart, and cup his jaw with my hand. "And I know you, Garrus." I kiss him before he can argue with me, licking his lower mouth plate slowly. "I know you. I know how badly I screwed things up between us, but I'm not leaving you again. Let me prove both of those." 

"Shepard," he breathes, closing his eyes. 

"Garrus," I reply in the same tone. "Let me love you. Be with me." 

He forces out a laugh. "I've waited my lifetime and two of yours to hear you say that." 

"And yet you're gonna turn me down." Cold creeps into my veins when he doesn't answer right away. "It's okay," I lie. "I understand." 

"Shepard? Shut up." I pull back to gawk at him and Garrus flashes a grin, natural and easy. It's a balm, brushing away all the remaining pain from my nightmare and any fear of rejection. "I'd be an idiot to turn you down, and I'm not an idiot. I do feel selfish, though." 

"When you're ready to tell me everything you think I need to know - and I hope you will soon - I'm here. But I promise it doesn't matter." I kiss his forehead. "I'm not letting you go again." I kiss his closed eyes and Garrus leans into it, his hands tightening on my thighs. "I wanna be yours." I kiss his uninjured mandible, steel my courage, and run my tongue down the end of it. 

Garrus moans and slips his fingers under my shorts, teasing skin on the inside of my thighs that has never been touched. The realization makes me laugh, and he pulls back to eye me. 

"There are things this body has...never done." 

"Mmm. Maybe we'll have to explore what this body likes all over again." Garrus pushes his hands further up my legs and my shorts move with it. I follow his gaze when he drops his eyes to look and instantly notice the glowing orange gashes on the inside of my thigh. The sight - and knowing that Garrus is seeing it - makes my stomach drop, and I yank my shorts back down to cover it. "Hey, what - "Garrus looks back up at me. "The scars." 

All I can do is nod. It feels silly to be self-conscious about them, but I hate the reminder that I've been pieced back together. It makes me feel less human, less me. But is it so bad if they also make me feel less pretty, and I don't like that?

"Okay," he breathes, moving his hands to my face instead. I can feel his thumb sweep over the scar on my cheekbone. "I won't do anything you want me to, kid, you know that. How about tonight we just focus on getting you some rest? Watch something stupid until you fall asleep?" 

Relief washes over me. "That sounds perfect." 

I arrange the blankets and pillow on the other side of the couch where we'll be able to see the movie on the fish tank, which Garrus manages to make dark with the push of a button under the base. Damn him. He also does a sweep for bugs and then goes through a movie library on his Tool. "Did you know they put out another new Blasto movie?" 

"What?! They released cinematic brilliance without me?"

"Well, they considered just ending the multi-billion-credit franchise since you couldn't watch them anymore, but they decided just to mention you in the credits instead." I whack him with the pillow when he comes over to the couch, and we both laugh, all the tension gone. He tosses himself down on the couch beside me and pulls the blanket over both of us, opening his arm to me like it's natural again. And it certainly feels that way when I'm against him. 

It's the first time I've been in his arms, been with him at all, in what feels like forever and just a couple minutes all at once, but exhaustion comes sweeping in, and I feel powerless to stop it. Garrus is comfortable and warm, he smells amazing, and I'm safer than I have been since coming back to life. I try shifting a few times to force myself awake, but he catches on and shifts to lay me down, my head on his lap. 

"You're not supposed to be fighting sleep, Shepard," he murmurs, running his talons through my hair. "Sleep. I won't leave until you're asleep, I promise."

"I don't want you to leave at all," I try to tell him, my words already muffled by sleep. 

His hand pauses for just a moment before going back to running lightly over my scalp, tingles running down my spine with every pass of his talons. "We'll talk about that another night, kid. You need to just sleep for now." 

I want to argue. There are a million things I want to say to him and a million more than I want to do to him, do with him...let him do to me. But right now, I'm warm and safe from the grip of space. It can't reach me, and it's not the Normandy keeping it out but Garrus. 

He'll be here in the morning even if I go to sleep, even if he doesn't stay. We finally have a shot at what we always should have been. I can finally get some sleep. 

*****

Sleep is impossible on my unforgiving, horrible cot in the Main Battery after leaving Shepard's quarters. I remembered every detail, but I forgot how I feel when I'm around her. It's even stronger now that I've lost her, I've been without her. I can breathe again. 

That kind of relief can be addicting. I can't deny her a damn thing, that certainly hasn't changed. And what Shepard wants is me. 

She doesn't know what she's getting herself into, I know that. It's selfish as hell, I know that too. But Spirits I've wanted this for so long. She wants to know everything and I'll have to tell her eventually. I'll have to take it on faith that she meant what she said and won't leave me for it. I'm just not ready for that yet. I want to enjoy loving her, being loved by her while I still can. 

I finally quit on sleep and drag myself into Mess Hall when I hear the crew starting to move around. It pleases me immensely that Shepard isn't here; she needed rest desperately. It also gives me an excuse to go back up there. 

"Hey, Rupert," I greet the mess sergeant. Most of the human crew on this ship has been surprisingly nice to me, especially for Cerberus, and Rupert is no exception. He greets me with a genuine smile and a pot of coffee.

"Well, good morning there, Garrus! The usual?"

"Yes, but could I get the coffee in a mug with a lid? And, uh...can I get Shepard's breakfast, too?" It's more than a little awkward to ask a question like that, but Rupert doesn't miss a beat. 

"'Course you can! The commander is sleeping in this morning, huh? Good for her." 

I nod to agree with him and turn away from the counter just as Joker approaches, shit-eating grin right where it belongs. I left the guys earlier than they would have liked last night, but an hour was all I could manage when I knew Shepard was waiting for me. 

"You at least get laid last night since you bailed on us?" he asks, at least keeping his voice down. 

"Bet you a hundred credits you won't ask Shepard that same question." He laughs and shrugs innocently, collecting his tray from Rupert before heading to the table. Most of the crew is there now, and I nod to them, appreciating the welcome but not even a little tempted. Again, Shepard is waiting for me, and that's too hard to resist. I don't even want to try. 

Once I have our trays, I head for the elevator, and the nerves set in instantly. Shepard has said amazing things before and then found an excuse or changed her mind. And Shepard has died. She's left me before, and I'm not nearly as strong then as I was then. Not after everyone I've lost. Not after everything. 

But Shepard asked me to let her prove it, and whether or not she's left me before, there still isn't anyone else in the galaxy I trust as much. She's the love of my life, my bondmate. Whether or not we're together, my feelings for Shepard won't change. If I have a chance at being with her, I have to take it. 

Her door is still locked, the way I left it when I get back to it. I use the code that she gave me to get in, and my heart lifts at the sight of her asleep on the couch still. I'd prefer the bed, but it's something. Her bright red hair stands in sharp contrast to the black couch and white pillow, her face young and peaceful while she's sleeping. And with the blanket tucked all the way up to her chin, she looks even younger. Adorable. 

I sit carefully near her feet and place the trays down on the table in front of her. I could probably just touch her to wake her up, shake her knee or something. But we both want more than that. 

I balance myself on my hands to lean over her, careful not to touch her before I'm ready, and then lean slowly down to bring my mouth to her neck. The skin is soft and warm and sweet under my tongue, and I do my best not to bite down. Her moan makes that almost impossible. I drag my tongue slowly to her ear and nip that instead, feeling and hearing her heart skip. 

"Good morning," I murmur, going back to her neck as she stirs. I'd only intended to kiss her once, but now I can't stop, the energy between us sparking to life and pulling me in. It's glaringly obvious how cold and hollow I was without her, without that energy, now that it's back. Shepard rolls to her back under me, and I yank the blanket away from between us, needing to feel her warmth. She reaches up even before I can move, tugging me closer and tilting her head back to expose her throat. 

"Make it a good one," she whispers, already writhing. 

"Yeah? And how can I do that for you, Elle?" 

Shepard fists her hands, trying to grab the leather of the couch for purchase. Those hands shift in a flash to grab my face and pull it up to hers, kissing me so hard I'm worried she'll bruise her lips against my plates. If it hurt, she doesn't show it, letting my tongue into her mouth and tasting me with equal fervor. When she pulls away, I'm panting desperately. 

Shepard nips my mandible and then whispers, "I want your cock in my mouth." 

My cock goes from half-hard and interested to throbbing and stiff in an instant, so fast that it hurts. "Oh, fuck, Shepard." She doesn't miss a beat, shoving her hand between us to grab my erection through my pants and squeezing hard. "Oh, I'll cum. Baby, don't, I'm already close." 

"You'll just have to cum again," she murmurs, voice low and wicked. "And again...and again..."   
Spirits. 

"In your mouth," I growl at her, slipping my hand beside her and then shifting to sit up while bringing her with me. "Get on your knees." 

Shepard scrambles to the floor and tears through my belt and zipper, more eager than I've ever seen her. She moans when my cock pops up as my pants go down, and leaves them around my ankles to run her hands all the way up my thighs until both of her fists move onto my shaft. I watch, heart in my throat, while she swirls her tongue around the swollen head of my cock, her eyes never leaving mine. 

When she starts to jerk me with both hands, I have to claw at the couch to fight grabbing at her. "Touch me," she whispers, almost pleading. "Be rough with me, I can take it. I need you. Use me." 

It catches me off guard when I realize I recognize the look in her eyes. Last night, when Shepard was telling me all the reasons she isn't worth working to deserve, I saw this same vulnerability in her eyes. Shepard is still so sensitive to rejection, especially from me and especially in this body. The scars make it feel like she doesn't belong in it. 

I won't contribute to that. I need her to know I'm still just as crazy about her body now as I ever was. 

I push her back by the shoulders, moving her hands away and kicking the table back to give us room. Shepard catches on and slides backward, giving me enough space to stand. I set my feet shoulder length apart and grip my dick with one hand, cupping the back of her head with the other. "You want it rough, baby, huh?" 

Shepard doesn't hesitate when I hold her head still, stepping close enough to press my cock against her cheek. Her mouth pops open almost like an instinct, and her chest heaves for air. "Fuck, you're beautiful when you're ready to beg. You really do want it, don't you?" The urge to push her, to see how far she can go, becomes too strong to fight. If she's going to run, I want it sooner rather than later. But I don't want her to run. Spirits, I want her. "You're such a pretty little slut." 

Green eyes flash, but it's not anger. I don't even think she's surprised. The wave of her arousal that watches over me is dizzying. She wants it, all of it - all of me. 

"Hands behind your back; you won't need them." She obeys, and when she grabs the opposite elbow with each hand, my heart leaps. She remembers. "What's your safeword, Shepard?" It comes out as a demand because I'm rapidly losing control. 

"Shampoo." 

"That's my girl." I fist my hand in her hair, getting a more firm hold on her. "If your mouth is full, you tap my leg twice. Understand?" She nods, panting, and nuzzling my cock with her face. I tilt her head to the right angle and press my dick against her lips, pushing slowly through. And then I nearly explode the moment that hot, wet heat is surrounding me. She lets me in hungrily and sucks hard, working her tongue and moaning. 

"Oh, baby." My free hand is shaking when I press it to her cheek to hold her face gently. "You're so perfect. I missed you so much, Shepard." My eyes sting with hot tears, and she trembles when I tuck the hair behind her ear, tugging on the lobe as my hand falls. Her eyes grow wet, and I don't think it's because my dick is in her throat; the heat surging through me definitely isn't just from her expertise. 

I can hear her saying that she loves me in my mind while watching my cock push through her soft lips, and it's every fantasy I've ever had. My bondmate, the person I was made to be with, begging for my dick, and loving me. 

The words burn inside me. I want so badly to tell her, to bare my soul and confess that I'm desperately in love with her and the last two years have been unlivable because even when I was happy, all I wanted to do was die to be with her. But I can't be that unfair to her. Not when she's everything I want. 

I take Shepard's head between my hands and thrust into her mouth faster, as hard I dare. It's obscene, fucking her mouth, and it's everything. She takes it, gagging but never stopping me or even moving her arms, her eyes watering, but her moans never ceasing. "Shepard, yes. Fuck, I wanna cover every inch of you in my cum, fill you everywhere." 

She moans deeply, and her eyes roll back, pleasure sweeping over her expression. "That's my girl. Take it...like that, yes...ah, Elle!" Heat floods me, and pressure erupts at the base of my spine, tearing a growl from my throat and ripping the orgasm from me violently. I nearly lose consciousness, stars before my eyes and my legs weak, mindless with only the need to pump everything I have into her. 

I snap back to reality when two taps register on my leg and release her head immediately, stepping back to take my dick from her mouth. Shepard gasps for air and coughs, her lips coated in my cum and her cheeks red. "You okay?" I ask, kneeling in front of her on shaking legs. 

"Yeah," she replies, nodding and smiling even though she's panting. "That was so sexy." 

"You're sexy," I counter, running my thumb over her lip. Shepard catches my hand and licks my thumb before cleaning the rest of my seed from her lips. She smirks when I growl and my cock twitches, still half-hard between us. 

Shepard laughs, shaking her head at me. "Unbelievable. You could go again after that?" 

"For you? I can go as many times as you want." 

"Get pants on!" We both startle at Joker's sudden intrusion on the intercom. "We're fifteen minutes out from the location for this Krogan pick-up. You just can't help yourself, huh, Shepard?"

She chuckles, eyes on my cock, and replies, "No, I cannot." 

Joker laughs, blissfully unaware, and clicks off while I shake my head at Shepard. "You're gonna be big trouble for me, aren't you?"

"Oh, I don't know," she breathes, pressing her hands to my chest until I sit and then crawling into my lap. "Depends on whether you think keeping you hard as often as possible is big trouble." 

I kiss her, growling and lost and falling in love all over again. When we part, our foreheads meet and a shudder rips through me from the sensation. I hear her voice in my head again, telling me she loves me, and I want so badly to be able to say those words. "Shepard, I...you know what you mean to me, right?" 

She smiles. "Yeah, big guy...I know." Her forehead touches mine again, and I lean into it. She doesn't know the half of it. "I've missed you, too. We're gonna be okay this time, Garrus. I promise."


	12. Peace

I miss out on another opportunity to shower with Garrus, but it's more than worth it for the time we do get to spend together. He apologized for forgetting that my throat would have limits while we were getting dressed, but it was entirely unnecessary. Garrus has never been so sexy, and I'm not sure I've ever been so turned on. Getting to see him falling apart like that is worth the ache that remains in my core in the elevator. I have no doubt that Garrus can help me take care of that later. 

And maybe with Garrus so at ease and sated now, he'll be more open to the conversations we have to have. 

"Can we talk about the mission today?" 

Garrus perks up from where he's leaning comfortably against the wall on the opposite side of the elevator. "Sure. What are you thinking?"

"Well...I guess we actually need to talk about Purgatory first." Garrus cocks his head a little but stays quiet, patient. "You're a little different in battle these days, big guy." 

"Is this about killing that tech?" he asks, frowning a bit. 

I wave that off. "No, no. I think we'd need to talk about things you haven't been ready to talk about yet to go there, and I don't want to do that." Garrus chooses not to respond when I pause, but at least he knows I've seen the darkness in his eyes. I'm not sure either of us actually wants to talk about it yet. "I mean that you make a lot of your own moves, your own calls now." 

"I..." Garrus trails off and frowns, obviously replaying the mission in his head. He blinks, and then the frown clears. "Shit, you're right. I just...didn't even think about it." 

"I could tell." 

"I'm sorry, Shepard, that's not acceptable," he offers, stepping closer but keeping an air of professionalism by not touching me. "I'll do better today." 

I shake my head and assure him, "I don't need an apology. I was annoyed by it at first but...you've been a leader for two years, Garrus. In charge and leading missions - big ones, if the reports I have on Archangel are to be believed." 

"Some leader," he growls, his shoulders going stiff and low. That anger, that pain, is back, and my heart aches for him. I want so badly to drag everything that happened out of him, but I have to be patient. Whatever the darkness in his eyes is, I know it comes from Omega. As long as Garrus is handling it - and he seems to be for the most part - I'll let it go. For now. 

"Garrus, your instincts and the abilities I saw in you were always one of the things that made me want you on missions most. It means a lot that I have a partner out there, someone I can trust." I step forward, throwing professionalism away to run my hands over his chest. "So, we'll work on it. Figure out a compromise that doesn't force you to fight those instincts or be insubordinate." 

He smiles, clearly grateful, and wraps an arm around my back. "If that's what you want, I appreciate it. But you don't need to make concessions for me, Commander. It's an honor to serve on your six, you know that." 

"I know you just like the excuse to watch my ass," I tease, wrapping my arms around his neck as the elevator slows and comes to a stop. Garrus glances toward the doors but pulls me closer and doesn't resist when I lean up on my toes to kiss him. 

"We're going to get caught," he murmurs, our lips brushing. 

"Hmm. Wanna know a secret?" I kiss him slowly, and he nods when we part. "I kinda like the idea of someone watching." 

Garrus freezes as the doors open, and I nip his mandible sharply before stepping out of his arms and walking quickly away. I'm trying and failing to hide the smile on my face, and it only grows when Garrus doesn't manage to start moving for several seconds after I get out of the box. 

"You're gonna kill me," he mutters behind me. The crew in Mess Hall stops what they're doing when I walk in laughing at that, but I don't care. I'm just about floating right now. 

"Jack, do you need an armor set?" I ask, aiming for the coffee pot since an almost seven-foot-tall distraction took me away from my last cup while it was still hot. Rupert gives me a knowing smile when Garrus approaches for the same thing, and I just offer him a wink. 

"For what?" she asks, sitting alone at the far end of the table away from everyone else and stuffing her face full of cereal like she hasn't eaten in days. Considering what I saw of Purgatory, I don't want to consider whether that might be the truth. 

"You're coming with us today for this pick-up," I tell her. Well, tell the whole crew, I suppose. "The dossier doesn't say whether the Krogan is there by choice, so I'm expecting hostilities. I'd like to see what you can do when you aren't just rampaging." 

Garrus snorts softly beside me, and I elbow him, fighting a smile. 

"Who is us?" I blink at her, confused. "You said, 'coming with us.' You and...?"

"Oh, Garrus." I motion to the Turian at my side, who turns toward the crew, sipping his coffee. "Garrus is always on my ground squad." 

Jack hums and looks him over. "I can think of a few places I'd like to have him, too."

"Get in line," Gabby mutters with a smirk, also ogling him. Kelly isn't doing much to hide her interest either, and it takes real effort not to preen. Garrus is the guy that they all want, and he is mine. That’s a really nice change from jealousy.

"There is no line," Garrus groans, rolling his eyes. And he believes that, too. The guy is aware enough that he's attractive and knows how to use what he's got to make people want him, but I've never seen him cocky about it. 

At the moment, though, I'm having trouble not feeling cocky about it. I made this gorgeous man fall apart for me, go completely mindless with the need to cum for me, and now I get to see other people fawning over him. I could get used to this. 

I didn't always feel like this. It's odd, this sort of confidence. Maybe it's because now I feel like Garrus is truly mine. Before, like with Lorik Qu'iin, he wasn't mine. Granted, I have no idea whether or not we're monogamous. Or even what to call this thing we have going. Shit. Well, I was feeling good. 

"Stop it," Garrus murmurs, turning toward me and leaning his hip on the counter. "They can watch, but I'd like you to be very selfish with me for a while." 

And just like that, I'm better. 

"I think I can manage that," I promise, smirking at him and fighting the urge to touch him far more inappropriately than just by resting my hand over his on the counter. 

"Good girl," he purrs. "I need to go get my armor on. Meet you at the airlock." He flashes another grin and walks away, but I don't get to watch his ass go when Miranda stands and approaches me. 

"Commander, we need to talk about your ground crew for the mission," she announces, crossing her arms over her chest. "Do you really think it wise to bring someone untested for something so important?"

I nearly strain a muscle trying not to roll my eyes. "You wouldn't call her untested if you'd seen what she did in that ship. Jack can handle whatever we might face down there." 

"But can she take orders?" Miranda counters. 

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Jack snaps from behind her. 

The entire Mess Hall goes silent; it even feels like the ship engine stops humming for a second. It breaks when Garrus comes back out of the Main Battery, only dressed in the bottom portion of his armor and his BDUs, carrying the rest of it. He obviously heard that and wants to be out here in case shit escalates, and I'm grateful even if I don't think I'll need it.

Miranda rolls her eyes and doesn't look at or address Jack. "See what I mean?"

I hear a chair squeak on the floor but ignore it, meeting Miranda's steely gaze. "Miranda, there are a couple things you need to keep in mind about me. First of all, I have zero tolerance for bullies. We're adults, and we're a team; if you can't play nice, you shouldn't be here. And second, my ground crew is chosen by me and me alone. I do not accept input, requests, or opinions. Are we clear?"

Someone coughs, definitely trying to cover up a laugh. If a cough can have a Scottish accent, it was definitely Kenneth. I don't drop Miranda's gaze, though, and I actually think she may believe she could intimidate me. 

She doesn't last long before giving me a nod and then running away, disappearing into her office. I catch Garrus' eyes where he's finishing putting on the seals of his armor, and we roll our eyes simultaneously. When I look back toward the table, Jack eyes me for a moment before nodding to herself and planting her hands down on the table. 

"Okay, I'm in for this ground squad thing. Where are we going, and what's the mission?" she asks. 

"Korlus," I answer. "We're picking up a Krogan warlord. Don't ask me why, I'm honestly not clear on it other than Krogan are always useful in battles, and we have big battles ahead of us." 

"Hang on...did you say Korlus?" Garrus asks, frowning. "Why does that feel familiar to me?"

I shrug, but Joker offers, "Probably because it's one big ass Blue Suns base." 

"Shit, that's it." Garrus shakes his head. "It's their training headquarters. We are definitely going to have to fight our way through there, and it isn't going to be fun."

"Depends on your definition of fun," Jack quips. 

"Shepard, are we sure that this Krogan doesn't work with the Blue Suns?" Garrus asks, ignoring the joke. 

I shake my head and confess, "I have no idea, really. I don't know if he wants to be there, if he's one of them, nothing. I do know that he agreed to work with me, though, and that he has information on the Collectors, per the Illusive Man. Probably for money, but that's not my problem." 

"Hey, that reminds me," Jack chimes in, snapping her fingers. "You were gonna shell out a buncha credits for me, right? Shouldn't those be mine since the asshole you were paying is gone?"

"Yeah, I also did not get paid to join and would like to protest that," Garrus notes, still frowning, "but we have a bigger problem at the moment. We can't be working with the Blue Suns. None of them. That's understood, right?" 

I can feel my shoulders tense at being challenged in front of the entire crew. My instinct is to lash out at him, but I would really rather not - only because it's Garrus. "I don't particularly want to work with a Krogan from a merc gang, no. But we're at least going to talk to him and find out what he can offer." 

He starts to open his mouth, probably to argue again, but I see something cross his face and then Garrus shuts his mouth. The Mess Hall is still silent, and now it's awkward. "We're, uh...gonna land. In a minute." Joker gets up and scuttles away while the others make excuses about where they have to be in a thinly veiled effort to get away. Jack takes toast off of someone else's tray before following Joker and aiming for the airlock. 

"What the hell was that, Vakarian?" I demand as soon as we're alone. Hell, we might not even be alone completely yet; I don't give a shit. 

"Shepard, I - " 

"You just challenged me in front of the entire crew! Do you need to get bitched out like Miranda?" 

"No, it's - " 

"What happened to the conversation we just had? I don't - " 

"Would you shut up and listen?" he snaps, hands balling into fists at his sides. "Fuck," he growls. "I'm...I was on Omega, okay? They made it bad. The Blue Suns, the Eclipse...I saw them do horrible shit." He takes a breath and runs a hand back over his fringe, the pain on his face mirrored in my chest. "It's bad enough for me to have to realize that after everything my team did and everything I lost, it wasn't enough because they still have a presence. But working with them, Shepard?" He looks up at me and shakes his head. "Please don't ask that of me. I told you I can't deny you, but damn that hurts." 

I can see that pain written all over his face. "Garrus, this is by far the most you've said to me about Omega. I can't know what's going to hit hard if I don't know anything. Okay?"

"Yeah...yeah, I know. I...I'm trying." Garrus starts moving at the same moment I do. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I saw red." 

"I would never hurt you on purpose. Don't you know that?"

Garrus stops walking very suddenly and looks away, hiding his face from me. I've only ever seen him do that when I was breaking his heart, and it drives the message home hard. I have hurt him, very much intentionally, and when I absolutely had other options. 

"Shit." I reach for him because it feels right - it always does - but then stop because I don't know if he wants me to. Before I can pull my hand away, Garrus catches my wrist and tugs me closer, pressing my hand to his chest. 

"Please don't ever feel like you can't touch me," he breathes. "I always need it." 

The words melt me, but the look on his face still hurts. I can give him platitude and promises all day, or I can give him an actual solution. And he deserves one. Garrus has been my partner in every mission we've been on together, and I truly respect him as a leader. It's time to prove that. 

"If Okeer is working for the Blue Suns, he will not come onto this mission. We will get the information we need, Cerberus can pay him, and we're done. You have my word." Garrus searches my eyes for a moment and then relaxes, taking my word for it and nodding. Trusting me. "We're going to go in there, shut down whatever they use this base for, and then we'll leave. No Blue Suns on the squad, I promise." 

Garrus leans down while pulling me closer and bumps his forehead lightly against mine. "Thank you." 

"You're welcome. But that cannot be the appropriate way to salute your commanding officer." 

"Oh, I'll give you a salute," he teases, quickly dropping one hand to my ass and squeezing. It makes me yelp in an embarrassingly girly way, but since it obviously delights Garrus, I don't much care. "Come on. Let's go kick some ass and then get naked again." 

*****

Our landing pad on Korlus is nothing more than a little space among all the rubble where the shuttle will fit. It's exactly the kind of place that no respectable people would ever work, humid and windy and filthy. It's an outdoor Omega. 

And the Blue Suns here will die exactly like the ones on Omega. 

Shepard gives the command to get locked and loaded before we even land, and I applaud her instincts. Jack must feel the same tension because I have a feeling she'd argue with any order she didn't think was exactly right and worth following. The kid will be one hell of a compass for Shepard if nothing else. 

When the shuttle lands, it needs to leave again as quickly as possible. I step aside to let Shepard and Jack out first, then follow them to the ground and to cover behind a low metal wall. "Assume hostiles," Shepard calls, using our headset comms because the wind would make her shout over it. 

I jump at the sound of her voice on the wrong side of my head; I've always worn my comm on the opposite side from my visor, but that side of my face is a disaster. Now I'm wincing at the voice inside my head. 

"I'll take point," Shepard continues, snapping me back to reality. "Garrus on my six. Jack, focus long distance with your biotics." 

"Aye, Commander." 

Jack just grunts, but Shepard lets it go. Again, her instincts are likely on point. A kid like this is bound to be testing a new commander. 

"There is only one measure of success," a woman's voice - human or Asari - announces over a loudspeaker. A very loud speaker, given we can hear it fairly well. "Kill or be killed. Perfection is your goal." 

"Oh, this sounds like a lovely place to work." Shepard flashes a grin, and I wish I could hear her laugh. Instead, I hear her give the command to move out. 

The warzone look to this place coincides with that woman on the loudspeaker. There is debris everywhere, pieces of metal and broken - some of them smoking or on fire. We can hear gunshots distantly, and explosions rumble the concrete under our feet. The question is who is fighting and who is on the right side. 

It won't be the Blue Suns. That's the only thing I know for sure. 

"Being hired is merely the beginning," the voice over the loudspeaker calls. "You must earn your place in the mighty army we are building." 

Well, that's not good.

We push on and take a short level of steps up. It leads us onto a metal platform. "Observation post," I note, recognizing the structures. "And ready for a fight, it looks like." 

"Let's keep our heads up," Shepard advises. 

It's a good call since the moment we step around the corner and onto the post, we're fired on from a platform in the next building over. I dive for cover and take my shots, focusing on the impossible ones first - the ones that Shepard and Jack would have to work for. 

I'm only ashamed to admit that I have one eye on Jack the whole time when she starts to perform. There was part of me - at least one part - that worried this chaotic little warrior would be a threat to Shepard once we got into battle. Instead, she does exactly what she was asked to and then some; damn, her biotics are incredible. She could outmatch any of the Asari I know. 

Shepard, of course, is flawless. She manages to make kneeling in the dirt, ducking rocket launchers, and firing an SMG look sexier than any move an exotic dancer could make. Her aim has improved; it was never even close to poor, but she's a damn sharpshooter now. I wonder if that's her new augmentations from the cybernetics or if it's her new outlook on life. 

"Hey, big bird, didn't you eat a rocket like a week ago?" Jack calls over the comms. 

"Jack!" Shepard snaps. 

"I did, freak, yeah," I respond, calmly taking the head off another Batarian in Blue Suns armor. Shepard glances over between shots, trying to decide if she needs to intervene on the name calling. "Didn't you destroy a spaceship during a temper tantrum?" 

Jack barks out a laugh that makes me smile. She launches a merc in the air, and I take his head off, too. "I was just wondering," Jack continues. "You know since you'd think you learned your lesson and maybe wouldn't watch Shepard's ass instead of the rockets." 

This time it's Shepard who laughs, just as the final merc goes down, and she turns to me with a wide smile. "Enjoying the view, are you, big guy?"

"Hell yes, ma'am," I respond with a wink. 

They both laugh at that. Shepard shakes her head at me a little, but there's no heat or anger behind those emerald eyes; well, at least not the heat that comes from anger. She pounds her fist twice on my chest plate while walking past me, and my heart skips, just like it does with every little reminder that she really is here. 

Here, and different. Not even freaking out when she learns a crew member has caught me staring at her ass.

Here, different, and mine. 

We continue along the observation post and toward the next section of this mess. Before we can see him, we can hear a merc crying out in pain. "Shit! Shit! It won't stop bleeding," he cries, holding his side and throwing his head back into the concrete block behind him. "I'm gonna...son of a bitch!"

Jack scoffs and turns to Shepard and me. "Is this guy for real? That's barely a boo-boo." 

She's right; there is a wound on the guy, but it's a surface wound at best. He's clearly not handling it well, though. 

"He doesn't need to know that," I note. Shepard narrows her eyes a tiny bit, but she's still not angry. 

"I knew it wasn't berserkers," the merc groans. "Not at range. You're mercs. Or Alliance." He hisses out a breath like the pain is agonizing. "I'm not...I'm not telling you anything." 

"You know, I've got a nice application of Medi-Gel ready to go," I tell him, queuing the medication up on my Tool. "But if you'd rather we just keep walking..." 

The merc swears under his breath. "I don't know anything; I just shoot the overflow from the labs. The old Krogan up there, he's really been cleaning house lately. Jedore hired him to make her an army, but the Krogan he creates are insane, so we use them for live ammo training. I don't get paid enough to goddamn bleed out." 

"You're telling me that Jedore - your commander, I assume - is using a Krogan to build a Krogan army from test tubes?" I shake my head at him, unsure I buy it. "Conventional weapons have to be cheaper than that." 

"I don't know, man, I just point and shoot and bank my credits," the merc groans, eyeing the medication on my Tool. "Maybe there's something better in the labs." 

"Outpost Four?" someone calls over his radio. "Jedore wants us to move. We need coordinates on the Krogan pack." 

Shepard steps forward, standing at my side, and snaps, "I want your friends gone." 

It doesn't take the merc long to agree. "Uh...patrol?" he calls over the radio. "The last group...dispersed. Lost sight five minutes ago." 

"Dispersed?" the merc on the other end responds. "Jedore will be pissed. She wanted a show." 

I roll my eyes, and I'm surprised when the merc does the same before replying, "You wanted a report, you got it. Dispersed." 

"Understood. Returning to the labs." 

"There, you see?" the merc says urgently, waving his hand at the radio. "I'm helping." 

"Yeah, I'll decide when you've helped," I inform him. "You said there's a Krogan up in the labs. Okeer. Do you know if he knows what the Krogan he's creating are used for?" 

He shakes his head, breathing heavily now. "We can't go in the labs, but everyone sees what happens when the Krogan come out. I've shot hundreds. They're crazy. Mindless. Everyone up there knows what's going on." 

"Is the lab heavily guarded?" Since Shepard is participating in my little interrogation, I assume she's not pissed that I've taken the lead on it. 

"There are big guns to keep ships away. We're not outfitted to fight goddamn commandos." 

Shepard nods to him and then nods to me. Permission to give him the Medi-Gel. But she doesn't make it an order, so I shut it down on my 'Tool. "If you start limping now, you might find a shady spot before you bleed out." 

I turn away from the merc and don't have to watch him crawl away like he's moments from death. I wonder what he'll tell himself when he's completely fine in a few hours. 

"The scare was a nice touch," Vakarian," Jack says, giving me a respectful little nod. 

Shepard doesn't seem as convinced, but she still doesn't object and doesn't look mad. Sure, I was a little hard on the guy, but I've learned a thing or two since the last time we fought together. Shepard might have death on her record, but she hasn't seen what I've seen. She hasn't done what I've done. I close my eyes against the pain hitting me hard in the chest. 

"Come on," Shepard commands, grounding me again. "Our Warlord is in Jedore's lab." 

Shepard may be back, but the darkness in my head is still there. If I pay attention to it, it might swallow me; that just doesn't seem fair now that I have what I needed so badly. 

I try my best to pretend I don't see the concerned look Shepard gives me before she leads us away. 

*****

I'll be the first to acknowledge that things on missions often change or go wrong. Flexibility is part of the job - maybe the most important part when you're leading a squad. I do my best to be prepared for any possible eventuality and for none of the eventualities I'm able to imagine. In general, I'm successful. In general, I don't get thrown by many changes. 

I can admit that I never imagined leaving Korlus with a "pure" Krogan prototype in a ten-foot test tube. 

Neither Garrus nor Jack seems to understand the decision. It actually surprises me, coming from Jack. She clearly has a reckless streak, and if even a fraction of the crimes attributed to her on the record we got from Purgatory's database are crimes she's guilty of, Jack doesn't have a problem taking risks. It gives me pause on Korlus when she suggests taking the Krogan with us might not be a good idea. But just pause. I'm too curious to leave this science experiment. 

It's not a surprise that Garrus isn't thrilled about it, though. He has some fairly strict standards when it comes to my safety. He's also extremely intelligent, so he knows that telling me not to do something is almost always a great way to get me to do it. Garrus stays calmer than I'd expect when I need his help lugging the test tube back onto the shuttle - it barely fits. On the ship, he makes me promise not to do anything crazy. And I know what he means, but...he's not specific. 

And that's how I end up in one of the Engineering Cargy Bays, staring at the Krogan in the tube. Alone. Trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with it now. Or what I want to do with it. 

There are some tools and a couple boxes on shelves against the walls, but most of the storage space in here is clear. Still, it's a small room. Three walls are metal, but one is all glass and overlooks the ship's engine core. In a room this size, a rampaging Krogan is going to do significant damage. 

Guess I'd better hope there is no rampaging. If I let him out. 

The Krogan is standing at the end of the room. Or...floating. There is liquid filling the tank, behind the glass, but it looks like he's standing. Or maybe something that large just isn't capable of floating. He's massive, easily the biggest Krogan I've ever seen, and heavily armored in light gray and blue. A huge Krogan demands a huge tank; this thing is going to be in the way eventually. If I let him out, the Krogan could theoretically live in this Cargo Bay. He'd still take up the same space but also contribute. 

"How's he doing, EDI?"

"The subject is stable, Shepard," the AI answers. "Integration with onboard systems was seamless." 

"Can he see anything in there?" I ask. "Does he know where he is?"

"Unlikely. Current neural patterns indicate minimal cognition. Barring a ship-wide power loss, the nutrients in the tank could sustain him for over a year." The Krogan has his eyes closed and looks almost like he's sleeping. Peaceful, sure, but trapped in there. Caged for a year, at least. And then what?

"Any idea how dangerous this guy is?"

EDI pauses for a moment before she answers, "He's a Krogan, Shepard." If I didn't know any better, I'd think that was snark. "If you are asking whether he is actively hostile, I don't have the necessary data to answer. Okeer's technology could impart data, not methods of thinking. The subject may know of his creator's view, but would not necessarily share them."

"Like an AI?" EDI doesn't answer that, and it makes me smile. I won't be telling Joker that I think his greatest enemy is pretty funny. "What can you tell me? Anything unusual?" 

"The subject is an exceptional example of the Krogan species, with fully formed primary, secondary, and tertiary organs where applicable," EDI explains. "No defects of any kind, aside from the genetic markets of the genophage present in all Krogan. I cannot judge mental functioning." 

I remember what Okeer said about him, what his whole purpose was. A Krogan who can face anything, even the genophage, and conquer it. Pure. Perfect. Cerberus will see this as an asset, I'm sure, but if I turn him over...who knows what they'll do to him? 

I can't do it, can't let that happen. I know what life in a cage is like, and I know that even if you don't know it's bad, it hurts. Talitha comes to mind.   
"Stand by. I'm going to open the tank and let him out." 

"Shepard, Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested alien technology," EDI says, not quite a warning but definitely at least a caution. 

"He's either a powerful addition to the crew or a time bomb," I note, shrugging my shoulders and shrugging off her concern. "I'd rather deal with it now. Miranda can throw a fit later if she likes." 

"Very well, Shepard. The controls are online." A panel attached to the tank lights up. "The switch - and the consequences - are yours." 

Story of my life. Being in charge isn't always fun. Releasing a massive and pure Krogan should be fun, though. Part of me plans to enjoy this, sure, but...I'm aware that it's reckless. I know how dangerous this could be. And part of me feels like that's why I want to do it at all. I don't know how to deal with that right now, though. 

I could call Garrus down here for backup, but I don't need it. I can handle this. 

I step up to the tank, set the control, and then take a step back to get out of the way. Instantly, the liquid in the tank starts to drain. As it empties, the glass opens. The Krogan falls forward and, with his first breaths, he hacks up water. Or whatever fluid was in there. After a moment, the Krogan gathers himself well enough to stand. 

I thought he was huge inside the glass, but when he's standing right in front of me… Fuck me. 

And then he's rushing at me, growling and closing the distance between us in seconds. The Krogan grabs me, his hands large enough to cover my biceps and still extend onto my torso. There's barely time to react before the Krogan slams me into the wall, pressing his hand right against my chest so that he could crush my windpipe by just shifting. Barely.

Given the Krogan's size, he has no problem holding me here. And since he takes the opportunity to look me over, I do the same. The Krogan's scales are gray, and his skin is a soft tan color. His eyes are almost the exact same color gray as his scales and give his eyes an ethereal quality. They're very pretty. He's obviously a scary guy, but he's not the mauled and mangled I'm used to in a Krogan. 

"Human. Female," he announces. His voice is oddly soft. "Before you die, I need a name." 

Odd request, but not hard to accept. 

"I'm Commander Shepard of the Normandy." 

"Not your name," he corrects. "Mine. I am trained, I know things, but the tank...Okeer couldn't implant connection. His words are hollow. Warlord, legacy, grunt...grunt. 'Grunt' was among the last. It has no meaning. It'll do. I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me." 

I blink at him, surprise giving me pause. "We just met, Grunt. Why would you want me to try and kill you?"

"Want?" he repeats, sounding just as surprised as he made me. "I do what I am meant to - fight and reveal the strongest. Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want. I feel nothing for Okeer's clan or his enemies. That imprint failed. He has failed. Without a reason that's mine, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you." 

"The other tiny redhead on this ship is a psychologist; she can deal with what you just dumped on me. I might be able to find what you want, though. Find your connection." He doesn't immediately object or argue, so I take that as a good sign and continue. "I have a good ship and strong crew, a strong clan. You'd make it stronger." 

"If you're weak and choose weak enemies, I'll have to kill you."

I almost laugh. "Our enemies are worthy. No doubt about that." 

"Hmm. That's acceptable. I'll fight for you." 

"I'm glad you saw reason." I nudge Grunt in the gut with the pistol that I've had on him this entire time. He gave me barely enough time to reach it before slamming me against the wall, but it was enough time.

He looks down, realizes that I could have shot and killed him at any point, and then smiles. "Ha!" He takes a step back, and my feet hit the floor again. "Offer one hand, but arm the other. Wise, Shepard. If I find a clan, if I find what I...want, I will be honored to eventually pit them against you." 

"Oh, we're gonna get along just fine, Grunt." I hold my hand out to him, and Grunt accepts it, almost covering my wrist along with his hand. "You can settle in here if that works for you. We'll get rid of the tank as soon as we can." 

"Leave it," he replies, turning to stare at his place of birth, his first home. I get it. 

I give Grunt a final nod and then head out of the room, heading upstairs and hoping I can get the members of this crew that are going to be very upset with that decision a heads up before our new Krogan comes upstairs for dinner. 

That blows up in my face when a Turian steps off the elevator just as I leave the Cargo Bay. 

From fifteen feet, I can hear Garrus growling, and I think even miles apart, I could see the rage in his eyes. He glares at me and pauses to use the windows in front of the elevator for a peek into the Cargo Bay. His eyes flash when he sees Grunt, and I watch him take a sharp breath. 

"Garrus, I - " 

"Shut up," he snaps, voice low and deadly. It's the only time he sounds as scary as I know he can be. "It was, what, twelve hours ago that you were promising me we'd be okay this time? Do you remember that, Shepard?" I open my mouth only to lose my words when Garrus takes a slow, threatening step toward me. He's practically prowling, and it sets my heart to racing. 

This is going to be bad. And yet it feels so, so good. 

_Shepard, getting turned on when he's mad at you is rude. Stop it._

"How do you plan for us to be okay when you're throwing your life away every chance you get?" 

"That's a little extreme." 

Garrus bares his teeth at me, and a shiver runs down my spine. "I'm on the ground fighting beside you, Shepard. I have seen the risks you're willing to take now. You barely had your shields up at all today, and they were shooting rockets at us!" 

"My reaction times are better, Garrus, and so is my aim! Those are risks I can afford now." 

"Shepard, you admitted that you don't feel comfortable in this body yet," he counters. "You don't know everything that it can or can't do, you don't know your own reaction times - and I've seen that. At least one shot got way too close today." 

Damn, he really does pay attention. 

"And now you've decided to unleash a Krogan without any way of knowing his potential reactions, and you did it alone!" Now he's shouting, and now it doesn't feel good anymore. Garrus raising his voice is fairly rare, and I hate it. "You could have called me, you could have even called someone else if you didn't want to argue about whether or not to open it. But doing this alone was fucking stupid, Shepard." He finishes walking now that he's close enough to tower over me. 

"I'm not stupid," is all I can manage, my heart racing and my mind whirling. The look on his face isn't familiar, and that feels foreboding. I need to fix this, but all I can think to do is be more stubborn. 

"Well, it's stupid or suicidal, Shepard. Pick one." I scoff at that, and Garrus steps closer, our armor clinking when our chests meet. Now I can see that his eyes are wet, and it knocks the air out of my lungs. "Shepard, you promised. You told me that we'd be okay and I wanna believe you. I want...I want to feel like I can love you without risking my life. But this," he motions toward the Cargo Bay door, "tells me that I can't trust you not to break me again." 

An entirely different sort of fear, cold and nauseating, rushes through me. 

"Don't that say," I whisper. I almost hesitate to reach for him, but then I remember this morning and go for it, planting my hand on his chest before moving it up to his face. "I didn't...it wasn't a conscious effort to keep you out. I'm just...I don't know, I'm not used to having to consider someone else in my decisions. I mean, for the team, sure. But not personally." 

Garrus lifts his hands and takes my face between them, holding my jaw. "Don't you know that it would kill me to lose you again, Elle? You can't take these needless risks. Please." 

"Okay. I'll at least let you know what I'm doing next time, and then we can have a shouting match about whether or not a risk is needless." He laughs, fortunately, and relaxes just a little. 

"Could you consider keeping your shields up, too?"

"Only when you do, big guy." The next laugh is much more genuine, and it comes with a kiss on my forehead. He's not growling anymore, so I feel safe to relax. And no less turned on. "You were really yelling at me, you know. All of Engineering probably heard you." 

"The entire Mess Hall heard you screaming the other morning, so it only seems fair." 

I pull back and look up at him, trying to find a way to scold him, but... "Wow, that should not turn me on." 

"And arguing with you about releasing a rogue Krogan shouldn't have given me a hard-on, but here we are." He grimaces and adds, "And erections really hurt up against metal, in case you were wondering." 

"Let's get you out of that gear then, huh?" I shove him back by the shoulders and then keep pushing, driving him into the elevator and then right into the wall. I slap my hand down on the controls to send the elevator up to my quarters, and then I rip off his codpiece, dropping the metal to the floor as the doors close. 

"Oh, fuck," Garrus growls, slumping against the wall when I grip his cock through his BDUs. "I'm cumming inside you this time, baby. I need it," he warns me while I maneuver his cock out of its confines. The sight of it gives me pause in the bright lights above us. 

"It really is beautiful, you know," I muse, aware that I'm torturing him. I glide my fingers around the ridges and marvel at the cobalt blue color, the way that color shifts and swirls. I marvel as well when I wrap my hand around the base, the space between my thumb and my fingers a blazing neon sign that the thing isn't just pretty but powerful. And it's all mine. 

"You never look more beautiful than when you're riding it, you know," he replies, voice husky and soft. My heart skips, and he tucks a talon under my chin to tilt my face up to his. Garrus leans down just enough to brush his lips against mine. "I wanna take my time with you, Elle." A soft kiss, his tongue brushing my bottom lip. "I've missed your body; I wanna explore it all over again." Another kiss, and this time his teeth capture my bottom lip. It's connected to my core, already wet and now throbbing. "I wanna make love to you." 

My heart is thundering in my chest now, going so hard I can barely breathe, and Garrus covers my hand with his on his cock. He guides my hand to the base slowly, both of us squeezing tight. 

"I wanna be so deep inside you, so hard and for so long, that you feel me every damn time you move." Our hands move back down, and he grunts softly. "I want to cum inside you over and over and over." He pulls my hand back up his shaft, using his hand to squeeze mine hard on the head. His natural lubrication is enhanced by his precum now, my fingers growing sticky. "Just me and you, baby." He nuzzles my forehead and kisses me again. "Let's start over. Do things right this time." 

"Yes." It comes out so fast that it's barely a whisper when everything inside me is screaming that word. "You're all I want, Garrus." 

"You have me," he breathes. "You've had me since the day we met, kid. I...you're everything to me."

I hear the ding of the elevator behind me, and Garrus kicks his own codpiece out before walking me backward, letting me lead him by his cock. "This is a fun new kind of leash," I tease him.

"Baby, when we pull out a leash, you won't be on that end of it. Shower?"

I start to agree and then catch sight of myself in the glass from the fish tank. My cheek is glowing orange, and I know that under my clothes, so are the scars on my breasts, my stomach, my hips, my thighs. Letting Garrus see me like this is...

"EDI?" Garrus calls to the room. "Can you lower the lights in Commander Shepard's quarters? Including the bathroom." 

"Yes, Garrus," the AI responds, the lights instantly dipping. They get dark enough that I have to adjust to the lack of it; I'm well aware that Garrus can still see just fine, but at least I can't see myself in the glass anymore. 

"Look at me." I obey, meeting his eyes - which somehow still manage to sparkle at me. "I love your body. But I can wait until you do, too." 

I step closer, letting my chest press against his. "I want you. I want you to touch me and feel me everywhere. I just...it's not you." 

"I know. Does this help?" he asks, motioning to the room around us. There's a tiny bit more confidence in the dark. Enough to continue leading Garrus by his cock toward the bathroom. "That's my girl." His praise makes my confidence build even further, whether or not that's absurd. 

Under hot water - hot enough that even a Turian seems pleased - we wash each other slowly. I remember the last time we did this on a warship, and the last time we did it in his apartment. And it's different now. It's like our first time in some ways; we're learning each other again. Garrus, especially. He's been away from me for two years, after all. But it's also like we've grown together. It's...experienced. Intimate. Even in the vulnerability, it's comfortable. 

It's what I've always wanted with him. 

And that joy only explodes when Garrus pins me to the wall of the shower, kneels in front of me, and lifts one of my legs over his shoulder. He buries his face between my thighs and inhales; it would make me flush if he didn't growl deeply with arousal. "Damn, you smell incredible." His tongue runs down my slit, and pleasure surges up my spine. 

His tongue moves expertly, playing with my clit and rubbing inside me. Pleasure builds, and my legs shake, my hips moving on their own to roll into his mouth. Garrus likes that, his talons digging into my thighs and his moan vibrating up all the way through me. His hand slides up over my stomach to grope my breasts, his fingers playing nimbly with my nipples. 

I wish I could tell if he's looking at me, but something in me knows that he is. I reach down and grip his fringe, aiming for his eyes with my gaze and keeping contact when I bite my lip and grind into him. I want Garrus as turned on as I am; the moan suggests that he is. 

"Make me cum, Garrus," I beg, my entire body begging for release. "I need you. Please." 

His moans, higher-pitched than I'm used to hearing from him, and when I realize it's almost desperation in his tone, I all but explode. My screams echo in the bathroom, and Garrus just keeps going, shattering me entirely. Only when I start to collapse over his back does Garrus stand, catching me and tugging me back into his arms. "I've been starved for you," he whispers before kissing me deeply. 

Garrus devours my mouth the same way he did my body, pushing his fingers into my hair and holding me still while exploring with his tongue. I melt under him, my legs still shaking and the chill that should be seeping in now that the water is off missing while he makes me feverish. His other hand slips down my back to cup my ass and tug me against him, my over sensitive skin against his rough plates sparking my nerves all over. I want to just hang on him but not as badly as I want to be active, to make Garrus know how badly I want him, too. 

I run my hand over his chest, across his shoulder, and down to his bicep. When I give an appreciative squeeze, I feel him smile against my mouth. He definitely knows how sexy I think he is. I pull my mouth from his and drag it across his throat, nipping gently. "Had some spare time to work out lately, huh?" 

"Like what you feel?" he teases. 

I hook my leg around his, catching his cock between our bodies and making him gasp. "Yes." I bite harder this time, and he growls. "I'd rather feel it inside me." 

"Oh, yeah?" He drops his head and runs his tongue over the shell of my ear. "Let me give my girl what she wants." 

I barely have a second to register him calling me his girl before Garrus slips his hands behind my knees and lifts me. He moves easily toward the desk by my bed, pulling the chair out and sitting down with me on his lap, straddling one leg. I make him stop only long enough to take off his visor and put it on the desk behind him. 

His cock is standing proud, but Garrus ignores it for now, kissing my throat instead. His tongue and teeth trail my collarbone, sending hot shivers all over my body. The sensations he's creating demand that I move, and moving against his thigh...oh, shit. Garrus moans, lightly running his hands over my thighs and hips while letting me grind against him. The plates on his thighs are just rough enough to make things interesting without putting me at risk for some really hard to explain chafing. 

Garrus pulls back just a little, enough to look me over. I falter at first, remembering I'm so exposed, and then Garrus rips out a growl. "Damn, Elle. You're so sexy...Spirits." 

His hand moves to his cock, jerking himself off without shame and without taking his eyes off me. He's pleasuring himself, turned on by watching me move. It's the hottest thing I've ever seen. 

"You like this?" he breathes, motioning toward his erection with his head. "Touch yourself for me, baby." 

And that is what I want. I want him to be every bit as turned on as I am. Knowing that I could give that to him gives me the courage to run my own hands up over my stomach and up to my breasts. They're heavy and sensitive, my nipples hard and aching, and when I pinch them, I can't help but cry out. Garrus moans with me, breathy and hot. 

"I wanna watch you," I tell him, barely recognizing my own voice. I keep moaning, riding his thigh and rolling my hips while groping my breasts and tweaking my nipples. I keep my eyes on his cock, his strong hand gliding steadily over his shaft and growing rougher. He starts to grunt every time his hand reaches the head, and I can feel his hips start to shift under me. 

We move like that, eyes trained on the way each other is moving. His free hand moves into my hair again, holding tight enough that it hurts, but that bite of pain only makes me feel hotter, more desperate. "Shepard," he groans, a warning in his voice that keeps my eyes trained on his cock. There's enough light for me to see the color getting darker, almost purple, and his cock swelling in his hand. 

"Garrus...don't stop," I beg, thrusting against his thigh and riding the high - higher and higher. 

"With you? Never." His hand moves faster, rougher, becoming almost brutal. If my mind wasn't a chaotic cloud of near-orgasmic pleasure, I'd probably find it very interesting that he's much rougher with himself than he wants me to be - or than he is with me. "You're gorgeous," he murmurs. "So perfect." He gives a lower grunt and a gasp, and I almost falter again, this time because I'm enraptured. 

Garrus's eyes are trained where our bodies are meeting, so I dig up my courage and drop one of my hands while shifting my hips so that I can reach my clit. A little pressure is all it takes to make me moan and to drive Garrus wild. 

"Oh...oh, shit." He whimpers and nearly lifts his hips high enough to move me, and then Garrus throws his head back and cries out. His hand continues to pump, and his body shudders while his cock erupts. Hot, sticky seed hits my thigh, both of our stomachs, and pours over his hands. "Shepard...fuck!" He brings his head up again and eyes me. 

My heart is racing, and I can barely breathe. "That was so hot." 

"You're telling me," he huffs out in a laugh, weakened with post-orgasm bliss. His dick has not been weakened at all, though. And I don't think his arousal has either, based on the way he growls when I wrap my hand around his erection. Garrus smiles and pulls his own hand away, lifting it between us. "You made me make a mess," he purrs, showing me his fingers. "Clean it up." 

I recognize the tone as an order, and damn I like it. 

I pull Garrus's hand closer and keep eye contact while running my tongue slowly up his finger, collecting the seed left there. At the tip, I slip his finger into my mouth and suck, reveling in the groan it draws from him. And fuck, he tastes good. I clean his fingers completely, taking my time while lightly running my fingers gently up and down his erection. 

"Good girl," he purrs when his hand is clean.

"I want you," I pant, squeezing his cock harder. "I want this...deep inside me, all night long. Make up for every chance we've missed." 

He hums softly and leans forward, nuzzling my forehead with his. "I used to think we had forever. Even when you left, I felt so sure you'd be back. There was no way that could be the end for us - not us, you know? But now...I'm scared to waste a moment." 

"We won't," I promise, taking his jaw with my free hand. "We'll have this forever, for however long we have and through whatever comes next. I love you." 

"Shepard." He runs his mouth across my lips and nips gently. He holds my hips and guides me to put one leg on each side of his, but then pulls me down so that his cock ends up against my ass instead of where I want it. I might object if his hand didn't slide between my legs, his fingers teasing and very effectively distracting me. 

"Not bad," I manage, still panting. "But not exactly what I was hoping for." 

"Hmm...not bad?" He slips his finger inside me and grins when I moan, a quake shuddering through my spine. "You told me you haven't had sex in this body yet. I don't want to hurt you." Garrus starts to slowly pump that finger. "You'll have to deal with another orgasm or two before I fuck you." 

I laugh, clinging to his shoulders when he pushes further in and just a little pain tears through me. "Quite the sacrifice I'm making here." 

"Mmm, I know. I'll make sure your reward is worth it." My eyes fly open when Garrus's hot, rough tongue glides up my throat. "Come here," he breathes, pulling me closer and up higher. I almost don't understand until his free hand lifts my breast to his mouth, that tongue lashing across my nipple now. It's connected right to my core, and that pleasure explodes when Garrus's teeth scrape while his thumb finds my clit. 

"Can I move?" My voice is too rough, too husky for me to recognize it. 

"You need my permission to move?" he asks, moving to repeat his torture on my other breast. 

"I want it," I confess, my mind foggy and spinning and only getting worse as he keeps increasing the pressure between my legs. "I want you to tell me, order me. I...I miss that." 

I can feel his smile before Garrus lifts his head to eye me. "You really are incredible, Elle, you know that? I'll give you whatever you want." He hooks his finger toward the front of my body and shoots a jolt of pleasure through me. Garrus rolls his hips slowly, his cock slipping through my ass cheeks, and this time, he shudders. "Move for me," he murmurs, nipping my ear. 

I want to move enough to get his cock inside me, but Garrus clearly enjoys where his cock is right now, and I want him to enjoy this, too. I keep moving, lifting my hips slowly, riding his cock and his finger. He rewards me by adding another finger and lifting his hips up in rhythm with me. 

"You'll tell me if I hurt you." It's not a question, but I nod anyway. His other hand moves up my thigh to cup my ass, squeezing hard. "Your ass is the only thing that can distract me during a shoot out." 

"Very risky, Vakarian." 

"Worth it, Shepard." I laugh, but it's cut off when his palm presses against my clit. "We're gonna explore this ass, baby. You're gonna love it." 

Fear gets added to the pleasure, making my heart skip and taking my breath away. And he knows that, of course. Even if he couldn't hear it, see it through his visor, he knows me well enough. The fear is part of what makes it so hot. 

His fingers move faster, massaging the front of my body to keep my heart racing. "Wanna ride me?"

"Yes. God, yes." 

"Me, too," he breathes, kissing my throat and collarbone. "Cum for me one more time, and I'll let you. Tell me how you need to be touched." 

This time I only almost laugh; it's ridiculous. "You know how. It's always so right...right there." He hums and presses harder, lifting his hips in time with his hand and sliding his cock against my ass. "More. Harder." 

"How's this?" Garrus lifts his hand from my ass briefly before bringing it back down with a ringing slap, heat and pain in equal measure flooding me, all of it escaping in some kind of yelp-slash-moan. My first instinct is to reject that, even to stop. But my hips are still moving, and I want him even more. The fear makes it hot, and so does the pain. 

"Fuck," is all I can manage to sum up my response to it. 

Garrus smiles and sits up a little, kissing me deeply. "You have to tell me if you want it again, baby." Another kiss, his hand rubbing my ass, and I'm panting into his mouth. "Did you like it?" Heat floods into my cheeks; part of it is shame, the other part is excitement. And the second part is bigger, but only because I know I'm never going to get shamed or judged here. 

"Yes." 

Another smack, this one a little harder. This one perfect. Fuck. There's something additionally naughty about all this. He only smacks me once more, never relenting between my legs and touching me exactly the way I need him. But it's enough, and my ass is stinging when I find my peak. Garrus slows to guide me back down, but that's not what I want. 

I need more. 

*****

I could watch Shepard orgasm all day and need nothing else. No food, no water, there's nothing that I could possibly need more than this woman sweating and panting and melting. Especially when she's cumming for me. 

And I never thought I'd get to see it again. I dreamt of it every night, of course, but my fantasies couldn't do her justice. Neither could anyone I replaced her with. Guilt floods my arousal, almost enough to take down my erection. She clings to me, slipping her hand under my fringe while running her mouth over my mandible. She's just come down, and she wants more. 

"I missed you," I tell her, an ache building in my chest and sting coming into my eyes. "I missed you so much." 

Shepard smiles and kisses me, bumping her forehead lightly against mine. "I feel like I took a nap, really. Even though I remember dying...I can't feel the time that I lost. But God, Garrus, I missed you too. I could have lost you."

"You never will," I promise. I'll be hers for the rest of my life and whatever lies beyond that. For however long she wants me. 

We kiss while I help her lift again, her legs a little shaky. And that makes me pretty damn proud. She holds my shoulders, and I aim my cock, almost ready to blow the moment I slip the head through her folds. It's incredible. 

"Your body is so greedy," I tell her, all but snarling at her. I clamp down on my urges and force my hips to stay on the chair. All of my instincts are screaming at me to thrust up inside her, but I can't risk hurting her. "Go slow, Shepard. I won't hurt you." 

Shepard chuckles softly, panting. "Do you remember our first time? You said almost the exact same thing."

That night, our first, will be forever engraved in my mind. I'd never felt desire that strong, and I'd never touched a body that incredible. Those things are still true with Shepard. 

"I remember. I managed control for a couple minutes before trying to fuck you straight through that bed." I grip her hips a little tighter and add, "I also remember you trying to impale yourself on my dick and very nearly cumming the moment you did. Don't do that again." 

"Gonna spank me for real if I do?" she teases, tugging playfully on my fringe. 

I laugh, especially because I can hear the fear in her tone. "No, baby. If you do it, I won't spank you for real, and that will be your punishment." 

It actually gives her pause, and my heart stutters a little. She genuinely wants that from me. 

I knew Shepard would like a little pain; I could figure that out just from watching her in the field. But I wasn't sure if she'd be completely open to the idea. Now, I can smell the strength of her arousal and hear her heart rate pick up. Now, I know I can give her what she needs. In bed, at least.

"Slow it is," she breathes, pulling my free hand to her hip where I can guide her down onto me. Slow or not, the moment she begins to move, I’m near total loss of control. 

"Fuck." It comes out barely audible over the growl tearing through my chest. I have to yank my hand away from her and grip the underside of the chair out of fear that I'll fuck her senseless and hurt her. I remembered Shepard's body feeling more incredible than anything else that ever grabbed my cock, but I'd forgotten just how amazing. Tight, hot, wet...perfect. "Slow." 

This time it's an order; I want this to last, and I cannot if she goes too fast. 

She whimpers, betraying her own loss of control. I can tell that it's different for Shepard, though; she wants to drill me. And she's going to, judging by the way she's rubbing behind my fringe. "You can let go," she whispers, grinding down on me. "Don't fight it. I want you to cum."

"Shepard," I groan, feeling the pressure from the back of my head and my groin combining low in my spine. 

"We both know you can keep going after," she purrs, nuzzling my throat and biting hard enough that I feel it through my plates. That pain floods pleasure through my system like wildfire. Shepard has been my wildfire since the day we met, and she proves it by lifting just a little and then grinding down hard again. Barely any movement, and it's intense enough to take my breath away. 

"Make me cum," I growl at her. "Hard." 

Shepard grabs my fringe and yanks my head back, crashing her lips down on mine while bouncing on my dick. Her ass slaps off my thighs, and her body grips mine, and oh Spirits, I love this woman. I keep my hands down as long as I can, letting Shepard get me over the edge, and when the pressure explodes - strong enough to blind me for a moment - I throw my arms around her and hold her against me, hold her still. I can feel my dick twitching, feel my seed inside her, and Shepard hugs me to her chest. She wraps her arms around me, slowly rubbing my back. 

"I really like feeling you do that." That gets a much larger twitch out of my dick. "I like that, too." 

"You're very naughty these days," I tease her, tilting my head to lick her throat and savor the taste of her sweat. 

"I'm a lot less prone to listen to my inhibitions these days," she counters. I lift my head and offer my mouth, which Shepard accepts happily. "What do you think, big guy?" she asks softly, her voice low and husky. "Got another round in you?"

Spirits. "Stand up and turn around." 

She eyes me for just a moment before obeying. Shepard slides off my dick and then off my thighs, turning around. I reach for her the moment she's facing away so that she never feels unsure or abandoned. "Keep your legs closed, sit down slowly. I have you." 

She trusts me, only gasping but never hesitating when she feels my dick coming up to meet her. Shepard lets out a slow, low groan when I pull her to sitting on my lap. It's a rush, realizing how much of her body I have unfettered access too now, and Shepard doesn't seem to have too many complaints when my hands travel her breasts, the inside of her thighs, her throat, her waist. She reaches back and slips one hand under my fringe, dropping her head back onto my shoulder and turning her face toward my neck. 

I don't move her or ask her to move, instead giving shallow thrusts and gentle grinding of my hips. I play with her nipples, drag my talons down her torso, touch her anywhere to drive her wild, and she responds to every touch. I love the little moans and whimpers she releases. I love the way she cries out my name in the throes of passion. I love her, so much it hurts. 

"You're amazing," I breathe against her cheek, doing my best to mime a kiss and not just because she likes it. I can't be what she deserves, I'll never be as good a man as the one this woman should have at her side, but I can make her feel good. 

She calls out my name when I roll my hips up into her again, and the sound sets my heart pounding even harder. My bondmate's needs - physical, emotional, or otherwise - call to me and demand my attention. Every part of my body and my being serve this woman now and will for the rest of our lives. I'll give her whatever I can. 

"Feel good, Elle? Tell me what you need." 

"Just you," she whispers, arching her spine and digging her nails in behind my fringe. "Just you, like this. I need you like this. Don't stop." 

"Never," I promise. I drop one hand to her clit and rub in slow circles the way she likes, bringing my other hand to her throat and squeezing...just enough. It amps up her heart rate and her temperature instantly. I won't leave her until she wants me to. Until then, I'm here for every moment. And every orgasm. "I still remember the first time I felt you cum. I love it every time, baby. Give it to me." 

Shepard goes stiff, cries my name one more time, and her body clamps down on me so hard that it's difficult to move. I keep going until she melts, and even then, I don't release her throat. I'm not done, and neither is she. 

"Garrus!" she cries in a yelp when I stand, using my hand on her throat and another on her back to bend her over. Her cry gets higher pitched when I continue to push her lower, bending her in half. 

"Hold your ankles, baby, brace yourself." I can feel her escalating - excitement and a little fear - but she doesn't resist and obeys. I give her a second to adjust, get a good hold on her hips, and then I thrust into her. Hard. "You can hold the bed if you need to," I tell her, not relenting and not letting up. She feels too good. And Shepard, being the perfect woman, takes all that I give her. She doesn't even take more leverage on the bed, obeying my first order, and holding her ankles.   
"It's so deep, Garrus, I..." 

"Arch your spine," I guide her, pressing on her lower back where I want her to bend her back. She does and relaxes a little immediately, enjoying it more instantly. "Good girl. How's that feel?"

She makes some kind of noise I take to mean acceptance, and I keep pumping inside her hard and fast. Shepard takes everything I have to give. She screams and goes boneless moments before I lose control, and I'm holding her up while spilling deep inside her. I pull her back up against me and turn to sit heavily on the bed, Shepard slumping against me and my dick finally starting to relax. 

"Reunion like that almost makes being apart worth it," she mutters, obviously sated and about ready to pass out. Good timing. 

I shift, pulling out of her gently and then pulling her into my arms. I stand and turn, laying her on the bed carefully before heading to the bathroom. I clean myself up in there, my cock slipping back behind my plates before I head back into the other room. Shepard has dragged herself from the bed and is sprawled across the couch now. 

I give her the warm washcloth and then a moment of privacy, heading for the bed and pulling back the covers. She ignores me before going to the bathroom, and I sit against the pillows while waiting for her. If I wasn't prepared, the look on her face when she returns and sees me in the bed that she's dreading and avoiding to the point of losing sleep would shock me. Tonight she looks exhausted - if a little pissed right now - and tonight, I am getting her to sleep. 

"Garrus...we can fit on the couch." 

I cock my head at her. "Maybe. But you slept with me in this bed before." 

"You were sick, it was different. And maybe it'll be easier with you here but..." 

"But you don't want to." Shepard looks shy about it, but she shakes her head, and I appreciate the honesty. I extend a hand to her. "I have you, Shepard. Come here." 

I can tell she's not sure about it, but she comes over and takes my hand anyway. She gasps but doesn't fight when I pull her into my arms, bringing her across my lap. She also immediately tucks her head under my chin to hide her face from the ceiling. Her fear makes my heart ache; I'd do anything to protect her. What I've already done was no trouble, no sacrifice. 

"You're okay," I promise her. "Shepard, when I tell you that I've got your six, I mean that I will never let anything hurt you. Ever." 

She gasps again when I roll, bringing her under me so that she lands on the pillow. I move over her, blocking her view of the ceiling and kissing her deeply. She's tense but doesn't push me away or object, even kissing me back after a moment. I shift a little, pulling away just enough, and Shepard lets me go but doesn't open her eyes again. 

"Trust me, baby. You can look." 

I watch her face, proud and humbled when she trusts me enough to open her eyes. She should be staring right at the thing that causes her nightmares, but she trusts me. And then her whole body startles with surprise when she’s looking at a covered skylight. "What did..." Her eyes flash to me, wide and bright. "Did you do this?"

"I had some time while you were doing rounds, and the Battery had some metal plates it didn't need." I shrug and brush the hair back from her forehead. "I couldn't let this keep hurting you." 

"Oh...Garrus." She shifts up and takes my face - a little too roughly on the injured side, but I don't complain - and kisses me hard. After a second, she breaks from my mouth and then rains kisses all over my face, the sensation and her joy both infectious and making me laugh. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she murmurs between kisses. 

"You're very welcome. And it's removable, so if you ever decide you want to see space...we can try that, too." 

That earns me another kiss. The smile on her face is more than enough reward, but I'll accept the kisses, too. "Oh, when I can see straight again, you are so getting the blowjob of a lifetime." 

"You get some sleep, and I'll let you give me that blowjob." 

Shepard laughs but doesn't fight me when I arrange her under the blankets and tuck myself in beside her. She rolls onto her side, facing me, and curls up against me while resting her head on my chest. It's hard to imagine she can find me comfortable, my body so much harder and rougher than hers, but Shepard seems to like this. And I love it. Especially when she falls asleep, her body warm and her breathing soft. I set a quiet alarm before it lulls me under, and then I find peace with Shepard. 

Peace. With Shepard.

Everything's going to be okay.


	13. Together

I wake up with my alarm in the morning. I wake up during the morning cycle, instead of in the middle of the night, and I wake up after sleeping instead of from the nightmares. I wake up without space threatening to suffocate me, either in my quarters or in my mind. 

But I wake up alone. 

I would welcome back the nightmares and the sleeplessness in exchange for that. I would have been happy sleeping on the couch if it meant I didn't wake up by myself. I just wish I knew what to trade to get back all the mistakes I made two years ago. Everything I did that made Garrus believe I wanted him to leave in the middle of the night instead of staying with me. 

We're better. But we're still haunted by our past. Changing that is going to be entirely up to me. 

I haul my ass out of bed and run through my schedule for the day mentally. We won't get back to Omega to pick up the next person on our list for a couple days. I promised to check something out for Hackett, but we won't be on site until tomorrow afternoon. Today, I get to bond with my new crew - the group hired by a terrorist organization, the psychotic biotic, and the Krogan test-tube baby. It promises not to be a boring day. 

My most comfortable pair of jeans is somehow still comfortable, and I forego the boots to stay comfortable. I throw on a tank top and my N7 zip-up hoodie - mostly in the hopes that Miranda will hate it - and then add my guardian angel pin. I consider putting my hair up, but it takes forever these days and getting some rest has recharged my appetite; I'd rather have my hair down than wait even a minute longer than I have to for breakfast. 

It helps that I'm hoping I'll see Garrus down there. I want to prove a point, but it feels more than a little desperate to message him when he's on the same damn ship. The elevator goes slow enough that I'm almost convinced, but I hold patient until I get to the Crew floor. And then, of course, no Garrus in the Mess Hall. No luck. 

The crew greets me comfortably, casually, like they're coming to know me and like me. Even after Garrus joining the crew, and considering what happened with Grunt's arrival on the ship. It's a good sign that the Cerberus crew I'm stuck with doesn't have the Cerberus ideas I can't tolerate. 

"Good morning, Shepard," Kelly Chambers chirps, just about bouncing in her chair. If I don't look too closely, maybe I can pretend she's Tali and not trying to psychoanalyze me all the time. Then maybe I could actually be nice to the perfectly nice girl. 

"Good morning, Kelly." I greet the others as well while heading for Rupert and control myself enough not to ask whether Garrus has had breakfast yet. 

The Mess Sergeant always gives me a smile to start my day with. More importantly, he also gives me coffee. "Morning, Commander. Garrus asked me to let you know that he has a check-up with Dr. Chakwas this morning. I figured I'd hold your breakfast until you were done...checking up on the check-up." 

"You know me far better than you should, Rupert," I tease him, taking the mug of coffee he's holding out to me before heading right for Med Bay. Maybe Garrus left me because he had an appointment with the doctor. Still, I wish he'd woken me up. I really just wish I'd been able to wake up beside him today. And then every day for forever. 

The curtains in Med Bay are closed, but the doors are unlocked, so I go through them. I also stop just inside; if Chakwas and or Garrus doesn't want me here, I'm not about to invade his privacy. 

When I walk in, they're laughing, and both turn to me with a smile. Garrus is shirtless, and Chakwas is wearing gloves to examine the wounds on his shoulder and neck, but they could just as easily be two friends having a chat. That makes me smile, too; I love the way my crews bond, and since Chakwas is like a parental figure to me, this bond is probably my favorite. 

"You don't have to lurk near the door, kid," Garrus quips, motioning me over. Chakwas nods her consent as well, and I approach, standing at Garrus's side. I cover his hand where it sits on the bed with mine and squeeze. He looks mildly surprised but then flips his hand to hold mine. 

"He doing okay, Doc?" 

I notice the doctor's eyes flash down to our hands, and then she grins but gathers herself quickly. "He's doing very well so far. There was no structural damage to your carapace, and it looks like there won't be any major scarring on your chest or shoulder. How's the pain in your shoulder?"

"It aches a little, but nothing a few low-grade analgesics can't handle. And I've been fairly active so." I squeeze his hand, hoping my cheeks don't get as red as they do hot. Garrus sweeps his thumb over my knuckle, and a spark shoots up my arm. How does he do that?

"Good! Let's take a look at your face." Chakwas reaches up to remove the bandage covering Garrus's jaw and the side of his face. In a flash, Garrus shifts from a carefree guy to a Turian entirely on edge. His hand flies up and catches Chakwas by the wrist, leaning his head back from her at the same time. I'm even almost certain I hear just a bit of a growl in his chest for a second. "I'm...I'm sorry," the doctor splutters while I can only stare at him dumbfounded. 

Garrus shakes his head, almost like he's coming to. "No, I...shit." He relaxes his hold on her, making it much more gentle than defensive. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you would..." He glances quickly at me, and I notice dark blue creeping up his throat. 

He's blushing, and his shoulders start to hunch like he's trying to fold in on himself. I know this pose. I've been in this pose; this is how every one of us who was rescued from that Batarian ship sat for weeks in the hospital. It's how people who feel ashamed of their bodies look, and on Garrus, it breaks my heart. 

"You haven't looked in a mirror yet, have you?" I breathe, everything clicking only just now. Garrus has been in my bathroom and in my quarters where he certainly could have seen himself in the fish tank. But now that I think about it...I haven't seen him react to his appearance yet. 

"I don't really need to see it to know it's a disaster, Shepard," he replies, making a weak attempt at laughing. 

"Considering you took a rocket to the face, the damage is actually minor," Chakwas counters. 

He rolls his eyes, no damage to those gorgeous blues. "But it's damage, right? And it's my face. I'm..." This time he does laugh, but it's humorless. "We can be honest here, okay? I'm a washed-up ex-cop, a failed vigilante, and a Spectre training drop out. I can shoot really well, and I'm attractive. That's what I have going for me. With half a face, I lose half of that." 

I feel my stomach cramp and acid threaten my throat, but I manage to clamp down on all of it for the moment. "Dr. Chakwas...would you give me a moment alone with Garrus?" 

She nods and heads out of the room, touching my elbow as she passes. I recognize the gesture as one of giving strength and encouraging patience. I'm going to need it, I think, so I step away from Garrus to take a breath. The moment she's gone, I whirl on him. 

"How could you say those things about yourself?" I demand, crossing my arms so I can fight the urge to shake him. 

"They're true, Shepard." 

"No, they're not! And I'm not about to tolerate you talking about my best friend like that." 

Garrus scoffs. "I don't know how many times I have to warn you of this, but you don't know me anymore. You keep calling me your best friend, but you're talking about someone who...who died when you did." 

He manages to gut me even while pissing me off. I cross the room back to him and brush my hand back over his fringe, Garrus immediately leaning into the touch even though he doesn't look at me. "I woke up and had to spend a few days wondering if you were really gone, if I'd have to live without you. It was nearly enough to break me. Two years and knowing I was dead...Garrus, I can't imagine." 

"Shepard," he whispers, leaning forward and resting his head on my chest. I hold him there and kiss his head while he wraps his arms around me.

"I do know you, though." He tenses but doesn't pull away. "It doesn't matter how long it's been or what happened to you or what you did. The Garrus I knew two years ago would have covered that skylight for me and expected nothing in return. He would have touched me, kissed me, tasted me in exactly the same way you did last night, the way you have since coming back. Garrus two years ago fought with me, teased me, pushed me just like you do." 

I feel him take a deep breath, and I know that's Garrus trying to gather his thoughts. I wait instead of telling him that this is the same, too. 

"Sometimes I don't feel like myself," he admits finally. "And I'm...I think if I see my face and I don't look like me, that'll only get worse." 

"Yeah. Looking at yourself and feeling like you aren't familiar is a smack in the face." Garrus pulls back to look up at me, and I hold his jaw on the bandaged side gently. "You're helping me learn to see my body the way you do. How can I do the same for you?"

Garrus just shakes his head and ducks again, moving back to my chest. He then yanks the zipper on my hoodie down and nuzzles his face against my cleavage, even letting out a small growl. We both laugh when I swat him in the back of the bed; it's nice to know I can help him relax at least. 

"You look familiar to me," I assure him. "For whatever that's worth. Bandage, scars, or no. You're still familiar. And you're most definitely still attractive." 

"You're biased, and I like it." He takes a deep breath and then sits up, exhaling slowly. "I should get this over with. Chakwas has to check the damage...I might as well see what's under the bandages since I'm not going to be able to hide from my reflection forever." 

"Do you want me to leave for it? I under - " 

"No," he cuts in, pulling my hand off his shoulder to squeeze it. "No, please stay." 

It feels good, a bloom of something warm in my chest to know that he trusts me enough to ask me to be here when he's vulnerable. It feels intimate and makes me feel a lot closer to him. As close as I've always wanted to be. And that reminds me that I woke up alone. 

I'll badger Garrus about that after he faces the monster he thinks is waiting for him in a mirror.

Chakwas comes back in, removes the bandages, and examines Garrus' face. He's healing, but it's slow going even with the cybernetics. And it's...bad. 

"That bad, huh?" he asks, looking away from me. 

"No, big guy, it's not," I assure him. Even I can hear my voice shaking, and Chakwas narrows her eyes at me. "Garrus, seeing the damage is a reminder of what happened. I had just gotten you back, and I almost lost you. The bandages can distract me, but..." I start to reach for him and go for his fringe instead, my heart aching and guilt hitting me again. He never should have been on Omega. 

Garrus squeezes my hand, pulling me back to reality. "I'm right here, kid." I take a breath and nod, and then so does he. "Okay. Let's get this over with." 

Chakwas hands Garrus a mirror and then gives him just a moment - just long enough - before she starts putting the bandages back on even while he's looking. No wallowing. It's almost comforting that Garrus has some orange glow inside his face, too, but the look he gives himself is painful. It's familiar, too; I'm sure that's what I do with my body. And all of a sudden, I realize how Garrus feels when I talk shit on myself or try to hide. 

"I was picturing something much worse," Garrus confesses, putting the mirror down. "I still have a face; that's something." 

"Did you really think I'd let you come out of this with no face?" Chakwas mock scolds him. "I'm not sure you'll ever get sensation back, though. Possibly some touch, likely not temperature. And since you won't feel pain, you need regular check-ups. I can teach Shepard how to clean the cybernetics while they heal and how to do the bandages so that you don't need a doctor every time." 

"Are you saying you don't want to regularly maul my face?" he teases her. Chakwas chuckles and shakes her head at him. Finally, she finishes and dismisses both of us after Garrus puts his shirt on - the only person still allowed to dismiss me from rooms anymore. Garrus immediately ducks his head near my ear as we leave the room and breathes, "You should get a slutty little nurse outfit if you're going to change my bandages."

"Oh, dream on, Vakarian!" I tease him, shoving him away playfully. Our laughter attracts attention from the crew in Mess Hall, and I wonder if I'll ever stop having these moments of doubt. Every time someone notices me with Garrus, sees me doing something with him that the Alliance would frown upon or that the xenophobes all over the galaxy would hate, I want to shy away from him. I want to pump the brakes. 

Every other moment of the day, I want to set the damn brakes on fire. Especially because I know it was these moments, these inhibitions, that made me break both of our hearts two years ago. 

I'm not sure how to get over it, but I'm sure that hiding from it - from Garrus - isn't going to help anyone. 

Rupert supplies us with breakfast, and we sit at the table, Garrus choosing the seat beside me. "We really need to get some charitas around here," I note, munching on bacon and only feeling a little bittersweet about it. 

"What the hell is that?" Hadley asks, frowning at me. 

"Turian bacon. And it's vastly superior." 

"Bacon is better," Garrus argues, swiping the remaining pieces of bacon from my tray with a grin. 

Joker makes an exaggerated scoff. "I forgot how disgusting the two of you can be." 

"You dreamt of me nightly, and you know it," Garrus retorts with an equally exaggerated wink. 

"Miranda will have a total meltdown if we tell her that we want Turian food on the ship," Kenneth notes, grinning impishly. "Let's get some Turian food on the ship." That sends the whole table laughing, and I relax around the entire crew for the first time. 

Garrus relaxes too, leaning back in his seat and sipping his coffee. And attracting attention from just about the whole crew with just that movement. 

"What is there to do for fun around here?" Jack demands, sauntering into the Mess Hall. She's still wearing barely any clothing. She glances around the table, and I watch her gaze fall on Garrus. "Oh, I bet you're fun." 

I turn to Garrus immediately, waiting for his reaction. His eyes are on me at the same moment, probably waiting to see what I'll do. Whether or not it's a challenge, it feels that way. And I've never been one to back down to a challenge. 

"He certainly is," I inform Jack and everyone else on the ship, reaching out and running my hand over his fringe again. Garrus leans into the touch, and whether that's for himself or for me, I don't care. 

"I knew it!" I hear Gabby whisper excitedly, elbowing Kenneth. He looks disappointed, but something tells me that has to do with a bet more than his actual feelings regarding me or Garrus. The haughty look on Hadley's face confirms that. 

Kelly Chambers looks a little disappointed, and I think Jacob might too, but Jack is grinning at us. "Very nice, Shepard," she says, nodding at me as if to give praise. "I think I'm gonna like it here if this is the sort of ride I get to take." 

Joker nearly chokes on his coffee, and I can't help laughing. Jack can go ahead and praise me; Garrus is a prize, that's for damn sure. 

"Perhaps we should have a discussion about Cerberus regulations for crew fraternization," Miranda chirps from the end of the table. I'd almost managed to forget she was in the room. But of course, she would know exactly where and how to poke; the threat of regulations is still enough to make my hand tense where it's resting on Garrus. 

Garrus, on the other hand, has never been easily swayed when it comes to leaving or hurting me. "It's interesting you'd bring up those regulations when I can smell you all over Jacob's hands," he informs her, entirely casual like he doesn't know he's dropping an absolute bomb on the crew. 

They all just stare until laughter explodes from me before I can clamp my hand over my mouth, and then the table explodes right along with me. Jacob's blush is visible under dark brown skin, but Miranda pales and only looks angrier before she stands and storms off. Only then do I remember I'm supposed to be professional and narrow my eyes at the Turian troublemaker sitting beside me. 

"She started it," he replies with a shrug, and the sort of smirk that he knows melts me. 

"What other tricks can you do?" Jack asks, leaning across the table toward Garrus. "Who else is sleeping together?"

Garrus leans right back across the table toward her. "Me and the new Krogan. A hundred credits if you can correctly guess who tops." 

"Vakarian!" I swat him for it while trying my best not to imagine it. And I could absolutely win that bet. 

Jack is satisfied, though, and he's effectively silenced her, so she throws herself back in her chair, toasts him with her coffee, and then starts chugging it. Garrus doesn't look the least bit sorry, and I enjoy this rebellious streak in him so much. 

"Hey, are you gonna spar with the new Krogan, too?" Joker asks. 

"Wait, wait. What do you mean too?" Hadley chimes in, blue eyes bright and sparkly like a kid in a candy shop. 

Joker grins; he's obviously been waiting for this opening. He's all too eager to dive into a vivid tale of the "battles" Garrus and Wrex used to get into. I could let Garrus play and brag, but we have more important things to do. 

"Can we talk?" I ask, putting my hand on his arm for his attention. Garrus frowns just a tiny bit but nods quickly to agree. He waits for me to stand and then joins me. 

"Enjoy the ride," Jack calls from behind us while I lead him to the Main Battery. It's a little less safe than my quarters for being alone with him. Only a little, considering it was the first place we fooled around after he joined the crew. 

"Spirits, that one is a pistol," Garrus mutters, humor in his tone. Jack can very obviously be abrasive, but something tells me she's not actually a horrible person. I'm relieved that Garrus seems to feel the same; I'll have someone to back me up if the tiny, angry biotic starts trouble. "Everything okay?" he asks the moment the doors close behind us. 

Now there's anxiety in his tone, and that makes me turn back to face him. 

"Yeah, everything's okay. Why?"

"We were...pretty open out there. A lot more open than we used to be anyway." Garrus makes an awkward sort of old shoulder shrug. "Two years ago, right about now, you would start avoiding me again. Kaidan would do the lost puppy thing. We'd fight until we fucked. Actually..." He huffs out a sad laugh. "Maybe that last part is still true." 

"Hey, we only fought until we fucked once. So far." Garrus smiles and shakes his head, trying to hide it. "You're right, though. I would have done all those things. But it's different with my boyfriend." 

His head snaps toward me, eyes searching me like he's trying to decide if he's hearing things or if I just had some kind of stroke. I can't help but laugh at him, and then Garrus is trying to decide if I'm just teasing him. 

"Come here," I beckon him, sitting down on his cot. He follows, and I turn to face him, pulling one of my legs up between us. "Is what I would have done two years ago why I woke up alone this morning?" 

"I..." Garrus balks at me, his eyes going wider. "I-I thought that's what you wanted. It was always what you wanted." 

"It was never what I wanted," I counter, unable to look at him when I talk about how awful I was to him. "It was...what I thought was necessary. It was me being an idiot. But I never sleep better than when you're there." 

Garrus cups the back of my head and bumps his forehead against mine. "Listen to me. I love falling asleep with you, waking up with you. But I'm..." He shakes his head, and that shame I've come to recognize washes over his face yet again. "I thought you could break me then. I've already been broken now. And I don't think I can take it again." 

"I'm not - " 

"If we wake up one morning and you've changed your mind, you decide I never should have been there, and you shut me down..." Garrus closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I don't trust you not to break my heart. What kind of boyfriend would that make me?" 

My own heart plummets right into my stomach and knocks the wind out of me. I pull away from him, letting go mostly because I'm worried I'll throw up on him. "You were mad at me for not even giving us a chance when I left two years ago." 

Garrus is silent for so long that I'm not sure he'll say anything else. The fear that builds in my chest is really all I need to know; I can't lose him. 

"Move in with me." 

"Yeah, okay. Penthouse or cabin? You like beaches, right?"

"No, seriously." I push closer to him, taking his face between my hands and pulling him to look at me. "Move into my quarters upstairs. Live with me. Go to sleep with me every night and wake up with me every day." 

"Shepard," he laughs, slipping one arm around my waist, "you don't have to make a huge gesture like this to keep me." 

"I'm making an offer I want to make because I'm crazy about you." 

He laughs again. "My girlfriend has developed some serious impulse control issues." We both laugh at that, and our foreheads bump again. 

"You just wanted an excuse to call me your girlfriend," I tease him even while bracing myself for what comes next. Garrus gives a soft hum and nods. "Any chance your girlfriend will get to meet your family?" Garrus stiffens, and I tighten my hold, not letting him pull away yet. "They deserve to know you're alive, big guy." 

"Ah, fuck, Shepard," he groans. "I never wanted them to believe I was dead, I just..." 

"What did you think would happen?" I press, frowning at him. "No one could find you. Cerberus has almost unlimited resources, and they had no idea you were Archangel. Garrus, of course, they thought you were dead." 

"I couldn't face them," he almost snaps at the same time he drops his head onto my shoulder, letting me console him. "I would have ruined my relationship with my father forever if I'd gone home broken and broken-hearted over a human. It's honestly better that he thought I was dead; at least I haven't been disowned yet." 

"Wow. I guess I won't be meeting the family then." 

Garrus sits up to look at me again and shakes his head. "He doesn't deserve you, Elle. It's not on you." He sighs and continues, "But when I call to tell them...I'll have to be honest. And I don't know how to explain the way everything just imploded when you were gone." 

I kiss him because it's the only thing I can think of to do for a little relief from the pain either of us is feeling right now. The last thing I want is to put more pressure on Garrus when it comes to making this confession to his parents, but if I tell him that he can keep me out of the explanation, I'm afraid he'll think I'm trying to hide him. And I can't make that mistake again. 

"What if you don't call your dad?" I suggest. "Your sister, you were close to her, right? Maybe she would be more receptive?" 

"That's...actually a really good idea. I mean, she's going to scream at me and probably cry, which I hate but..." He exhales hard. "Solana is a better place to start, yeah. Thanks. I, uh..." 

"Need me to leave? Yeah, I figured as much." I flash him a smile so he'll know it's okay and then kiss his forehead so that I'll be okay. "If you need me, I'm here." 

"I know. Thanks, kid." 

"Anything for you, big guy." I stop at the doors and turn back to him when I add, "And I was serious about the offer. Move in with me. Think about it." 

*****

Even Shepard's painfully perfect ass isn't enough to distract me after dropping bombs like telling me to call my family and asking me to move in with her. I'm not sure which of the bombs is actually bigger. Calling my family, even my sister, is going to be heartbreaking. I can already hear my baby sister sobbing, and I don't know how to prep myself for that. Moving in with Shepard is opening myself up to being the one sobbing. 

It feels impossible that she won't break my heart again. But damn do I want to enjoy that ass while I can. Same trap as before, I see it coming, and I want to waltz right in. 

There's no solution to that. Not a clear one anyway. The solution to the fact that my family thinks I'm dead is staring me right in the face. All I need to do is use the comms on the terminal to call Solana. I still remember the number, even if all the contacts I had saved were on the Omni-Tool I ditched before going to Omega. I could never forget how to reach my sister. 

It's the only of my two crises I can deal with right now, and unless I want to sink back into a bottle or back into my bag where that pistol waits, I have to start dealing. 

Why do I still think about that damn thing every day?

Okay, there are three crises. And I need to get one of them off my plate or risk suffocating all over again. I can't bail on Shepard now, and that means moving forward. So I move, right to the terminal, and I start a call to Solana. 

"Hello?" she answers, chirping in that way Solana always has. She's the perkiest person I'd ever met before Tali, and even Tali could be pushed to blow up. My baby sister only ever blew up at me. And only when I deserved it. 

I deserve it. 

"Hello?" she calls again when I'm silent for too long. 

"Hey, baby Sol." 

A sharp gasp greets me, the call quality too low for me to hear her subtones. I can hear her growl, though. "Who is this?" she demands from the other end, definitely not chirping now. "What kind of sick asshole - " 

"Solana...it's me." Her anger hurts, but I know it's about to get worse. When I hear the first sob break from her throat, a pain sharp enough to take my breath away shoots through my heart. 

"Where are you?" she asks, voice harsh and low. "Where...I don't understand. How?"

"It's...a really long story. But I'm back on the radar." It's a cop-out, and we both know it. "I'm on a ship, on a mission. I...I'm sorry." 

"You're sorry?" she snaps. "You're sorry, Garrus, really? It's been two years, you won't even tell me where you've been, and you're sorry?" I take a breath and lean on the terminal, settling in to let her give me exactly what I deserve. "I want to hear the story first. I want every damn reason why you haven't been here, why you let us all believe you were dead. And then I'll decide if I even want you back." 

"Solana." It's almost a moan. She could just not tell the rest of my family and pretend this never happened. She knows me well enough to know I'd never go around her; she's the center of the family for me. 

"Talk, Garrus. I mean it." She's still crying, I can hear it, but she's not going to back down. She is my sister, after all. 

And so I spill. I tell her all of it. That Shepard died, and I completely lost myself. I tell her about Omega, that I was drunk and suicidal for most of the last two years and that I couldn't face my family that way. I only slow near the end of the story. I can't tell her what happened to my crew yet. I can't tell her before Shepard, and I'm not ready to tell Shepard. 

"Cerberus brought Shepard back to take on the Collectors and the Reapers," I tell her, giving a brief background on all of that, too. I wonder if she'll argue that we're crazy for believing any of it, but even as the thought crosses my mind, I know it's not going to happen. Solana trusts me. Or at least she used to. "Shepard came and found me on Omega, saved my life, and asked me to join the mission. There's where I am now. On the Normandy."

"This is the Shepard you went to Ilos with, right? The Hero of the Citadel?" 

"Yeah, that's her." I roll my eyes at the name and try to control myself, so I don't break the terminal. The Alliance and Council whipped out that nickname right before they started ruining her reputation and accusing her of being fooled by Saren. 

Solana is quiet for a minute, and I'd give anything to hear her subtones or read her mind. "You messaged me before Ilos. You told me that you didn't know if you guys would survive the trip...and you told me you found love. You wouldn't fall apart over just anyone. You fell in love with her." 

It's not a question. 

"Yes. I did." I swallow, my throat dry. It feels like my body is desperate to tell her the whole truth, what I've only ever shared with a few members of my crew. No one alive knows that I bonded with Shepard, and it's eating at me. But I can't tell Solana that before I tell Shepard either. And I'm never telling Shepard that one. 

"You fell in love with a human." Solana laughs a little, no humor in the sound. "That actually sounds like a good reason to hide from Dad forever." 

I almost laugh, but I don't feel any humor either. "It's not a reason, Solana. I don't have a good reason. All I have is the truth, even if I regret it now." 

"Do you? Regret it?"

Damn, this kid always could see right through me. I'd like to lie to her. Maybe I'd even like to believe that I do regret it. But it would be doing a disservice to my team, the people whose lives I cost. We did good work. We were family. And I could never forget falling in love with Shepard.

"No. I..." I exhale, trying to gather myself. "I missed you, Solana. I still do. I regret not having the courage to come home or tell you where I was." 

"It's been two years, Garrus," she presses, raising her voice a little again. "What if I'm married and you missed it? If you failed to approve of the guy, and you weren't there to give me away? What if you missed my children being born?" 

It's like she's kicking the air out of my lungs with every word. 

"Garrus...what if Mom..." 

"Did she?" I close my eyes and brace for the answer, grabbing my Omni-Tool and quickly sending a message to the only person who can ground me right now. "Solana is Mom - " 

"She's still with us, Garrus. It's...it's worse, though." Her voice is softer now, still hurt but not harsh. I can't find any relief in that. Worse for my mom could be really bad, and worse for my mom without me means that it's been hell for my sister. 

"Tell me what's happened." 

Solana spills, letting it all out in a rush. She's halfway through telling me how our mother has started using a wheelchair, totally without the use of her legs for the last year, when Shepard walks in. She must see something on my face because she hurries to my side and leans into me. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close and nuzzling the top of her head as a thank you for coming to be my rock. I inhale the cinnamon and citrus, letting it ground me. The fact that I can smell myself all over her helps. 

"Sol, I'm sorry you've been dealing with it on your own." 

"Yeah," she sighs. "You've said that. She's still with us, Garrus, and she remembers everything. She asks about you, she prays for you." It's another too-hard hit to my heart, already badly damaged, and Shepard slips her arms around me. 

"I miss her." The words make my throat feel raw, and I close my eyes to try and block it out. Shepard presses her lips to my chest, where her head falls. 

"We miss you." Solana sighs again; I still know her well enough to know she's coming to a decision. "I'm going to do you a huge favor and talk to Mom and Dad for you. But...I need a little time first." 

"I understand. And I'm grateful." My dad especially is going to be much nicer to Solana than he would to me, and it'll take some of the edge off when I finally have to speak to him. "You need time to decide whether you can forgive me, too." 

"No, I don't. I forgive you. I'm just..." Another sigh. "This is hard. I need to go for now and get my head around this. But I'm going to call you tomorrow. And Garrus?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanna hear all about Shepard." The redhead in question looks up at me with a small smile, and I return it, brushing a curl behind her ear. "Is she the one?" my sister asks, innocent and oblivious to Shepard being in the room. 

Shepard blushes and starts to duck her head, but I catch her with a talon under the chin and hold her gaze. "Yeah. She's it for me." Her cheeks get even redder, and I hear her breath hitch. I can't resist the urge to kiss her lips quickly. 

"Well, that makes me a lot less pissed off," Solana quips on the other end. "Just get me your Omni-Tool info, and answer when I call you tomorrow. Okay?" Before I can answer, she interjects, "No, you know what? You officially have to answer every single time I call from now until the end of time. No more being too busy for baby sister." 

I laugh and roll my eyes, but it's an easy promise to make. And I have no doubt that Solana's future sister-in-law will hold me to the promise. I can feel Solana's hesitation before we end the call like she's afraid we won't speak again for another two years. "I love you, baby Sol. I'll talk to you tomorrow." 

"Yeah. I know. I love you, too." 

We hang up, and instantly the silence feels like too much distance. Shepard squeezes harder and steps in front of me, resting her head on my chest like she understands that the pain is in there. "Thank you," I whisper, eyes closed again. "Solana is going to love you." 

"And love embarrassing you, I'm sure," Shepard quips. 

"You're not wrong. Maybe I don't want you to meet her." Shepard laughs and drops her hand to pinch my ass as punishment for that. Her little giggle when it makes me jump is the best sound I've heard in years, and it instantly relieves the pain. And ignites something else. 

I reach around Shepard to turn off the terminal and then lift her onto it, getting another little squeal in reward. My mouth moves immediately to her neck like I've been drawn by a magnet, and I drag my tongue along her throat. 

"Garrus, mmm," she breathes. I can feel her trying to stop me - or at least pretending that she wants to stop me. "We can't, not now. Not here." 

"The door locks," I murmur against her skin, nipping lightly. "Were you very busy?"

"I...rounds," she manages to spit out, her heartbeat speeding up under my tongue. "I was doing rounds." 

"So, you have an excuse to stay." I tug her ear with my teeth and use my hand to pull her head back by her hair. Shepard doesn't resist, exposing her throat and opening her mouth slightly in perfect submission. "Finish your rounds after you cum on my cock." 

Shepard swears under her breath and sways a little, her eyes fluttering shut. I go back to her throat, back to tasting the incredibly soft skin and slipping my hand under her shirt to feel the softness there, too. She's done resisting entirely now, arching her spine to press her breast into my hand. "Here?" 

"Here," I respond. "I'm going to take you on every available surface on this ship, Elle. Everything that we should have done last time...we're not wasting chances now, baby." 

"Yes," she moans, slipping her hands to the back of the console to expose more of herself to me. I obey, sliding my fingers under the cup of her bra and pinching her nipple roughly. She makes a fantastic, rough sound at the back of her throat, and I catch her next moan with my mouth, her tongue eagerly meeting mine. 

"Hey, Vakarian, have - " Jacob stops abruptly in a yelp, and I feel Shepard's heart all but stop too, while I yank my hand from her shirt and step in front of her to make sure that she's not exposed in any way. "Shit! I'm sorry, I-I..." 

"Sorry," I mumble to Shepard while she tugs her shirt back down and blushes furiously. Jacob continues to ramble apologies from behind me, and Shepard won't meet my eyes. Shit. I know this look on her face; someone caught us, and she's ashamed. I'm about to lose her. "Please don't walk out," I whisper. 

I could try to convince myself that she doesn't hear me, but she excuses herself and goes, marching out without a word to me or Jacob. 

That intense, choking, painful cold is right back in my chest. Like it never left at all. 

"My bad," Jacob breathes, bringing my attention back to him. 

It's not a challenge to put a mask on, to get down to business. I've done it every minute of every day for the last two years. "No, that's...should have locked the door," I huff, attempting to smile and unsure it works. I don't even know if he can recognize a smile on a Turian. "What did you need?" 

Jacob has a question about schematics for an upgrade to the Cerberus issued SMGs. Yesterday, I promised to help him update the armory with the latest illegal, black market, badass mods from Omega and around the galaxy. I should be looking forward to it; I was yesterday. But all I can feel now is hollow, cold...dark. 

Like Omega. 

Like I lost Shepard again. 

*****

My father called me a drama queen once when I was nine. I didn't talk to him for like a week after. Proved his point, but it took me probably ten years to realize that. A drama queen. Sexist insult, probably true. 

Jacob walked into the Main Battery, and all I could think about was a strange man, someone I can't trust yet, seeing me wanton and vulnerable - the way that I get only with Garrus. It was someone seeing me submissive when I am never submissive...except when I'm safe and alone with Garrus. At all other times, that submissive part of me stays hidden, and I stay invulnerable.

I didn't even know that part of me existed before Garrus. I'm not ready for anyone else to know about it. 

I'm not sure if I end up in Engineering to talk to Jack after running away from the Main Battery because of a subconscious choice to get as far away from that room as possible or to be around potentially the strongest woman I've ever met. Or at least the least submissive. 

"Jack? You down here?" 

"Only if you didn't bring the cheerleader with you," she responds from within the dark room. The only lights down here are red bulbs intended only to provide enough light for the barest maintenance. Evidently, Jack doesn't mind since she's set up a cot and is lounging comfortably. "Need help wrestling another Krogan?" she quips when I hop up on a piece of equipment near her. 

"You're learning me so well already. Except you should know that I fight my Krogan one on one." 

Jack laughs. "When you have a seven-foot Turian to play bodyguard? Why?"

"Because he's like six-seven at most." 

She laughs harder at that, free and genuine. Something makes me believe that the sound - the emotional display of any sort - is rare from Jack, and I'm kind of proud to have brought it on. Of course, seconds after she lets the sound out, Jack clamps down on it and offers only the cocky grin we've seen from her just about constantly. This one has walls a size and strength that could rival mine. 

"So, what do you want?"

I shrug and lean back against the wall, my feet several feet from the floor, so I can swing my legs. "I have to want something just to come down here and talk to you? It is my ship, you know." 

Jack turns on her side, resting her head on her palm and propped up by her elbow. "There's always a motive, Shepard. You might as well just tell me because I'm not into the mushy bullshit." 

"I'm sorry, when did I give you the impression that I like hugging, campfires, and singing Kumbaya? I don't have a motive related to you. I do rounds for myself. Fair enough?"

"Sure." Her smirk turns mischievous, and she pats the cot in front of her. "Call your boyfriend, and we could make rounds worth the trip down here." 

This time I do the laughing. "I'm not sure we know each other that well yet, Jack. Generally, before I let someone take Garrus for a ride, I like to know more about them than whether they can tear apart a ship with their biotics and a temper. I saw what you did with those mechs, and I'd rather you didn't do that to my Turian bodyguard." 

"Well, that just might be enough incentive to let you sit there and irk me." Jack flashes a sarcastic grin before flopping into her back and resting her hands behind her head again. "You're holding up pretty well for someone getting fucked by a Turian, you know." 

"I...have no idea what that means." 

She glances at me. "I've been with a Turian or two in my time. Sometimes at the same time." 

"Nice." 

"Try it someday. But I know how it is. All the biting and scratching and..." She shudders, and my mouth grows dry at memories of my own. "You've got a mark or two that I can see, but you're not bleeding, and he's not desperate so." 

When I consider it, I realize she has a point. Garrus used to bruise me, scrape me up so badly that he'd feel terrible and offer Medi-Gel. It's never been an issue for me; I love knowing that Garrus loses himself and his inhibitions when he's inside me, I love the rough way that he makes love, I love feeling the effects the next day. But I wasn't bruised or even really scratched up today. 

"Must be the cybernetics," I muse. I don't tell Jack that I wonder if it means I'll need him to work harder to put those little scars back on me. I'd much rather have those than the ugly glowing orange on my skin. 

Jack smirks. "I like that you didn't even think to deny you're getting rode hard by a Turian." 

"Yeah, well, I learned my lesson about that." And then ran away from Garrus the moment I got a little anxious today. Crap. I push it aside for now and get to my purpose for Jack, probing her about her past, how she got here. The only thing she's willing to talk about is her criminal history, and it's damn impressive. The worst thing I've ever done was...well, treason. And that technically beats most of hers. Intent counts, though, right?

That's something for Future Shepard to deal with. 

I can consider the rounds a success, though. Jack appreciates that I held to my word and gave her the record she asks for; I appreciate that Jack hasn't blown any holes in my ship. And she's talking to me. Whether or not she's avoiding some questions, being snarky, and trying at least a little to scare me off, Jack is talking to me. It's progress. 

I leave her down there and check on the engineers who, after some pressing, tell me that they need some tool to upgrade some system I don't understand. All I need to know though, is that I can get what they need on Omega, and Garrus will likely know how to find it, so Kenneth sends me the information. If Garrus isn't too pissed at me for running earlier, he can help me find it. A bodyguard, a mechanical expert, and the Turian who is riding me hard. I'm damn lucky.

Grunt is my next stop on the way up, and he seems to be doing okay. He even agrees to come to dinner in the Mess Hall; I make a mental note to warn Rupert that he is going to need a shit ton of dinner to feed a growing Krogan. Grunt doesn't talk much, but I like him. He's bright, even a little sweet and charming. The guy is going to make a good fit on the team. I think Joker and Garrus could do a good job of getting him out of his shell; Hadley and Kenneth too if they can get over any fear I'm sure they have of a Krogan. 

I'm not ashamed to avoid Jacob on my rounds, but Mordin is lovely. He talks a lot and far too fast, but his mind is fascinating and his history even more so. I appreciate his passion for all things, and I have no doubt he's going to make this mission possible. I also think he could kill me with one finger, but I kind of like that about him, too.

Miranda is cold and distant, as always. She also manages to bring up her genetically designed perfection twice in one conversation. It's two times too many. She seems worried that I'll replace her as XO with Garrus. I don't say or do anything to let her believe otherwise; maybe a little fear will get her to learn humility. She doesn't need to know that I think Garrus would mutiny if I tried to suggest paperwork to him. 

It's a good set of rounds, but I find myself anxious, needing to release some energy. So when I learn that Garrus is down in the ship's built-in gym where we have equipment and a sparring ring, I jump at the opportunity and change into more appropriate clothes quickly before hopping into the elevator. He's likely assumed the worse since I ran out on him. Sometimes all the work ahead of us feels overwhelming. 

Garrus is shirtless and wailing on a punching bag in the gym. It's too good an opportunity to waste, so I stop before letting the doors open to alert him and watch. His body is...exceptional. I love watching the way his muscles and plates shift with every movement, the intricate design of his body. Garrus was always in great shape, but I also love the new bulk he's put on. Everything about him screams strength. Power. Dominance. 

And I have the honor of knowing the other parts of him. The gentle and soft side of Garrus who holds me after nightmares, the incredibly thoughtful man who drilled a metal panel into my ceiling to let me sleep in my bed. My best friend, the guy who makes me laugh and knows me inside and out, is not just a bodyguard and not just his brain. He's...everything. 

I step toward the doors, and they whoosh open. Garrus barely pauses, meaning he's instantly recognized me. "You know, you've never told me what I actually smell like to you." 

"A guy has to have his secrets," he replies, the tight tone a dead giveaway that he's worried or angry or both. 

"Ah, come on. You show me yours, I'll show you mine." 

That makes him pause. "I smell like something to you?"

"Definitely. There's a very...you scent. And I know it's not all Turian because I met Nihlus that same night." Garrus makes a soft noise and goes back to the punching bag, but it's half-hearted. I could offer him a sparring match, but there are better ways of getting and keeping his attention. And so I take off my shirt, get onto the treadmill in his view, and start running in time to the heavy bass music he's playing.

I very studiously keep my eyes off of him, letting Garrus decide if he wants to come to me. In a sports bra, I'm well aware that I'm not playing fair. Garrus has a full view of my waist and my breasts, and I'm going to start sweating. If this isn't an apology, I don't know what is. 

When the treadmill stops suddenly, I nearly fall but manage to catch myself, looking up to find Garrus standing at the end of the machine, holding the key that he yanked out to stop it up for me to see. I hold onto the rail and catch my breath under the gaze of his piercing blue eyes. 

"Is this because you're horny, or trying to get my attention?"

"Both. Can I be both?" 

A smile tugs at his intact mandible, and relief hits me hard. He's not angry. And his eyes keep drifting to my tits. 

I lean forward, my elbows just above his hands on the display of the treadmill. "Vulnerability is very new for me," I tell him. One of his hands comes up to cup the back of my arm like he knows just saying that makes me vulnerable. "I like it. But I only like it with you. Jacob seeing me the way that you can get me..." 

"Too much," Garrus finishes for me. "I asked you not to run. I could have helped." I look back up at him, and he brushes hair behind my ear, tugging the lobe before letting go. "You can trust me, Shepard. I know you well enough to make you vulnerable, but I know how to make sure no one else can, too. You are always safe with me. Okay?" 

I throw myself forward and my arms around him, ignoring the treadmill between us. Garrus laughs and wraps an arm around my back before lifting me over it and letting me cling to him with my feet a foot off the ground. He exhales hard, wrapping both arms all the way around me in a bear hug. 

"I'm screwing this up, aren't I?" 

"Shut up," he replies, burying his face in the crook between my neck and shoulder. "Nothing is screwed up. We're learning. Just stay with me while we do it together, okay?" 

"Always," I promise, squeezing harder. "I'm yours." 

"And you're the one, kid."


	14. Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that this work broke 100k words last week! The total words for the series is up over 300k words. YOU'VE READ 300K OF MY WORDS. I'm beyond grateful and so thrilled that you're here. Please keep reading and commenting, it's the highlight of my day.

Sleeping with Shepard eases the cold and the pain in my chest. It even makes the darkness in my mind feel less...dark. Or at least less overwhelming. She's soft, and she's warm, and she's here. She wants me here, too. It should be enough. It should be everything. 

But it doesn't keep the nightmares away. 

Usually, the dreams are of Devon. Sometimes they aren't even that bad. Sometimes they're awful. Even when it's a nightmare, there's something bittersweet about it. It's nice to see his face...until he dies. I miss him, maybe even more than I would because I'm here. Devon would fit in here; his brand of humor would be perfect for Joker, and Shepard would fawn over him. I don't mind the nightmares so much when they mean I get to see him. 

Tonight, it wasn't Devon. 

I don't feel guilty for never sleeping with Caeria. I would feel guilty if I'd led her on, actually. I did the right thing in not telling her anything other than the truth: that I did not and could not have feelings for anyone else. I did not sleep with her, even when she promised that was all she wanted. And I know that was the right thing because she told me later that she loved me. 

And then she died in my arms. 

I walked back into our apartment building too late; Garm's gang had already been in and wreaked havoc. Most of my team was dead. I had to step over Akart and Sertis to get into the building. Butler had bled out in Dhelem's arms, and then Dhelem died telling me not to follow them. 

Caeria was still alive. She'd been shot in the gut and was dying slowly, painfully. I pulled her into my arms, I told her I was sorry...and she told me that she loved me. And then she died. The last thing she ever said was that she loved me. 

Caeria died the same way I was living - trapped in the hell that is unrequited love. Now I'm getting a second chance, and she is not. She never will. Even if miracles were possible, I couldn't love her. And in my nightmare, I saw her blaming me for that. She was pissed off at me, screaming at me for hurting her. And maybe she was right. I know better than most that we can't decide who we love but...no one should die like that. 

None of them should have died at all. But they're gone. And it's my fault. 

I have to get out of bed. Nightmares make me restless. Shepard is tempting; I could wake her, fuck her until I'm exhausted again, and pass out. I don't think she'd mind. Even just watching her cum would relax me enough. But Shepard needs sleep, and I need to not burden her with my demons. 

She's facing away from me now, so I press a gentle kiss to her hair and roll her a little, encouraging her to snuggle her pillow. My arm slips out from under her easily enough, but I move cautiously and pause at the end of the bed, making sure I don't wake her. I pull the blankets up to her shoulder to keep her warm and then find my clothes. She pulled my shirt off on the couch, and my pants are balled up at the end of the bed. At least I had the sense to change into sweats before coming up here. 

Shepard was disappointed I didn't bring my bag with me. Seeing her face fall was the first time I thought she was serious about having me move in with her. I assumed it was Shepard trying to placate me or prove her dedication; I should have known better. Shepard doesn't do anything halfway. Well...except for us the first time around. 

I meant what I said, though. I'm not ready to move in and then have all this blow up in my face. The problem with that is I don't know if I'll ever be ready. How do I prepare for her destroying me even worse this time?

But I like that we're closer, more intimate this time. So now I have to figure out how to balance getting closer, moving forward in our lives together, with not getting hurt. And I don't know how moving in together fits into that. 

Shepard wants me to trust her, to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just… How do I give her all of me without letting her destroy me?  
I'm grateful Solana is calling tomorrow, now more than ever. Maybe she'll have some insight. Not that I ever imagined turning to my baby sister for romantic advice. Of course, I also never imagined falling in love with a human, getting brutally dumped and left behind, or bonding at all. Spirits, _me_ bonded. Nihlus and Saren are laughing wherever they are. 

And yet my heart bounces around when I look at Shepard. I can actually feel her - her pain, her joy, her fears all feel like they're coming from right inside me. We are connected in a way I never knew happened with a bond. It makes me wonder what my father goes through, being bonded with my mother, who is in constant pain and so ill. And worse, without me home to support her. There's yet another source of nightmares. 

I slip my boots on because it would make any humans I pass on the ship uncomfortable to see me barefoot and because my feet will get cold. I hate cold feet. And right now, I really don't need to be any more miserable than imaging the teammate whose death I am responsible for hating me in the next life because she loved me, and I couldn't love her. 

I avoid the Main Battery. I'm not sure about being hidden in that little hole and near the pistol that is constantly calling to me. Still. Why won't that fucking thing leave me alone? I'm happy now, for fuck's sake. Well, not with the nightmares but still. I don't ever want to leave Shepard, and certainly not by eating a bullet. And yet I end up in the Starboard Cargo Bay, staring through the massive window out at space, and pretending the bar isn't staring me down. What the hell kind of warship has a bar anyway?

When the doors open behind me, I expect Shepard, and I turn to start apologizing for leaving her in bed; I know she's looking forward to waking up with me, and I am too. But instead of Shepard, I find Jack. She's still wearing barely anything, and she still has that cocky little smirk she wears like a mask on. 

"Shouldn't you be well fucked and passed out?"

"I am one of those," I respond, throwing myself down on the couch instead of standing in the middle of the room like an idiot. Jack chuckles and heads for the bar. "Couldn't sleep?"

"What gave me away?"

I narrow my eyes at her, not in the mood. "You started the conversation. You don't wanna talk, shut up." 

"Wow," Jack drawls, picking up bottle after bottle like she's picking out a shirt for the day. She'd probably have to wear shirts for that, though. "You're in a mood." 

"And you're self-medicating." 

She looks up from the bottles - one tequila and one bourbon - in her hands. "Takes one to know one. Need a drink?"

_Like you wouldn't believe._

I shake my head, and Jack just shrugs, pulling out a glass and filling it far too full with tequila. Cheap tequila. Considering this is Cerberus, and they go for unnecessary exorbitance in everything, I assume there is much better tequila over there. No one chugs the good stuff when they're only drinking because they hate themselves.

I make room for Jack on the couch, and she may even give me a little nod before sitting down. "Insomnia," she tells me. "You?"

My knee jerk reaction is to tell her to fuck off. I want to throw up the walls that I could never get down on Omega and keep her as far away as I possibly can. But I did that to my team. I did it to Caeria, and in my nightmares, she hates me for it. 

"Nightmares." I feel like a child confessing to having bad dreams. I'm sure she feels vulnerable telling me, too, though. Now we're both fucked. 

"Sucks. Alcoholic?" She takes a swig from the bottle - she left that glass on the bar - while looking me right in the eye. 

"No. Or...maybe. I don't know." I look away from the bottle, the pull a little too strong. I've never even thought of using that word for myself before, but with every moment that felt terrible in the last two years, I dove deeper and deeper into a bottle. I lost entire nights, even full stretches of days because I got blackout drunk and stayed that way. 

Fuck. Am I even more screwed up than I realized?

"I don't want a drink," I tell Jack, being honest with both of us. I don't want it. Not right now. "I could use a fucking cigarette, though." 

"Oh, yeah?" Jack lifts her hips so that she can go into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "I thought I'd have to hide them around here." 

"Oh, you will. And now you'll also have to share." She laughs but tosses me one, followed by a lighter. It's safe enough to smoke on a ship - as safe as it is to smoke anywhere else in the galaxy - but I still do an extra sweep for bugs in the room before lighting up. The first drag brings relief, even as it brings in guilt. Shepard won't like this. 

It's better than diving into that bottle or falling on the pistol, though. So I sit with Jack, exchange petty insults and snark, and I smoke. She puts on a vid eventually and then passes out, curled up on the couch. I carry her down to engineering, tuck her into her bed, and then take another cigarette as payment. 

And then I head back up to Shepard. I needed the space, and I needed to get away from the nightmare for a little while. But returning to Shepard is a balm. She's sound asleep when I get there, and doesn't do more than roll toward me when I crawl into bed beside her. That, and she reaches for me. She murmurs my name in her sleep and reaches for me. 

She needs me. 

I have to figure this out. The nightmares, the darkness, the...that fucking pistol. I have to stay. 

*****

"I like waking up with you." 

Garrus smiles, his face a few inches from mine and his whole body radiating heat. Our legs are still tangled, our brains still foggy since we just woke up a few minutes ago. And it's the first real peace I've felt. 

"I like it, too," he breathes, voice raspy and rumbly and unbelievably sexy. "How long are you willing to lay here before you jump up and start working?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the species that can't manage to stop working?" 

He laughs and shifts, rolling on top of me in one smooth movement. All the air in my lungs escapes in a rush when his erection presses firmly against my hip. "I have incentive to stay right here," he murmurs, running his nose gently down the length of mine. 

"Well, in that case, I'm willing to lay here for a long, long time." I wrap my arms around his neck and lift my head to meet his mouth, Garrus' kiss every bit as eager as mine. He nudges my legs apart, and it's no sacrifice to let him in, wrapping my legs around his hips. I then use that same hold to flip us quickly, straddling Garrus with my knees outside his hips. 

He groans, the sound pained and pleasured with his cock trapped down under me, and I drag out his torture by rolling my hips. He doesn't stay pliable for long, sitting up quickly to bring us nose to nose. Garrus kisses me again, slipping his hands over my thighs and then my hips, dragging them up my stomach to pull my tank top off on the way up. I don't hesitate or resist, raising my arms to let him take my top off and throw it away. When the shirt passes between our faces is the only moment we stop kissing. 

I hold his face between my hands and rock my hips against his, Garrus holding the back of my shoulders before dragging his talons down my spine and pulling me into an arch. He then takes my thighs again, guiding my legs around him while crossing his own under me so that we're entwined. There's cotton on both of us, separating me from where I can feel him throbbing, but we're completely joined otherwise. 

And we jump simultaneously when EDI's voice comes over the comms. "Miranda has asked to see Garrus this morning, Commander." 

"EDI, you know he's in the room," I reply, frowning up at the ceiling. "Why don't you just tell him that?"

"I...was not sure that you wanted me to know that Garrus is with you," the far too intelligent AI responds. Garrus makes a noise I don't love and drops his head to my shoulder, nuzzling his face in my neck. 

"Message received, EDI," Garrus responds, his mandibles flicking and tickling my skin while he speaks. I return the favor by digging my nails into the soft spot under his fringe, and Garrus growls softly. "Tell her I'll be down as soon as I'm done. Don't tell her that I'll be down as soon as Shepard is done." 

I swat his arm for that one, and he chuckles, nipping my bare shoulder. Another chime signals that EDI has chosen not to respond to that - smart, smart AI - and Garrus immediately tilts his head up to kiss me again. Even if I wanted to scold him, I couldn't manage considering how exceptional he is at kissing. I run my hands over his shoulders and throat, pull on his fringe, and rock against him, determined to make him as wanton and needy as he makes me. 

His hands grip my ass, gropes my breasts, and seem to be everywhere all at once. We're panting into each other's mouths within moments, both of us sweating and moaning, and neither of us escalating. And I'm kind of into it. We're...making out. It's hot. 

But it so good and damn, I need more. 

I rock harder into him, and Garrus reads me perfectly, lifting his hips up into mine. He tugs my head back by the hair, forcing our lips apart, and licking a hot, wet trail up my throat. One of his hands moves between us, and I hear the cotton of my panties tear under his talon. At the same time, I work his erection out from the confines of his shorts. He lets me direct his cock toward me and pulls me slowly onto him, stretching me and taking my breath away. 

I move him to kiss him again, and Garrus is already moving to do the same, our mouths and bodies moving together in perfect sync. He continues to rock inside me, and I lift and lower my hips to meet him. Slowly, steadily, we both start to climb. Garrus doesn't hesitate to escalate with me, dropping a hand between us and playing with my clit. 

I pull my mouth away and press my cheek against his. "Cum with me," I plead, desperate to feel it. Aching to have him explode inside me. "Please. I need you." 

"I'm there," he groans, pressing his cheek closer and groaning into my ear. "I'm there, Shepard. Yes, yes, ohhhh." He trails off in an unintelligible groan that manages to be one of the sexiest sounds I've ever heard. Moments later, I feel his cock twitching, and seeing him go over the edge is enough to drag me with him. 

The orgasm releases me into a heap in his lap, and Garrus is huffing just as hard, holding me boneless in his arms. Garrus shifts to lay back, keeping me on top of him and giving me a chance not to get my legs stuck behind him. I curl up happily on his chest, enjoying this as much as the orgasm when I can hear his heart thumping under my ear. 

"Good morning," he whispers after a moment, humor and pleasure in his voice. 

"We could have these mornings every morning if you moved in." The words come out without filter, without permission, and I wince the moment Garrus tenses under me. "Sorry," I mutter, tightening my arms around him. 

"Don't be," he replies, speaking into my hair. "I love that you really want it, and it's not that I don't want to. I just need some time to figure my own shit out."   
I sit up a little again, just enough to make eye contact. Garrus isn't looking at me, of course. He has that shamed, dark look on his face again. He's hurting, and it breaks me every day. 

"You know I'm here if you need anything. If you want to talk or...whatever. I don't buy any of this 'you don't deserve me' nonsense. But I can wait for you to be ready." Finally, blue eyes meet mine. "I'll always be here." 

"I'm working on believing that," he breathes, leaning forward to bump my forehead with his. I lean into it, more than willing to accept that. I have time to make up for and mistakes I need to amend. All I ask is that he give me a chance. 

I kiss his lips one more time and then roll off of him, laughing when Garrus groans petulantly and tries to pull me back onto him. "Now, now. You have a meeting with my XO, and I need to do rounds. And shower, now that there's another Krogan in my life to smell the Turian inside me. Grunt almost gagged yesterday when I went into the Cargo Bay with him."

"Oh, really? Have we already found the pure Krogan's weakness?" Garrus laughs and tackles me to the far end of the bed, rubbing his neck into my throat and fluttering his mandibles to tickle me mercilessly. "I must take advantage of this." 

"No torturing Krogans!" I argue, trying to fight him off while almost totally out of breath. Garrus stops before it hurts and lifts up onto his forearms, grinning down at me. "You truly are brave and reckless to treat the great Commander Shepard this way, you know," I tease him, giving him a playful poke in the side. "And truly lucky I'm nuts about you." 

"All of those are incredibly true," he replies. "And you are gorgeous first thing in the morning." He kisses me one more time and then shifts to let me go, both of us climbing out of bed now that my entire face is flushed. I head for the bathroom, but Garrus catches my hand, tugging me back toward him. "I really like whatever that pink stuff you've been wearing on your lips is. And I like how pretty it makes you feel." 

"How could you..." I laugh and trail off; eventually, I'll learn it's not even worth asking that question. Garrus knew about the vibrator I never showed him on the last ship and still have hidden on this one; of course he knows that lip gloss makes me feel pretty. "I'm glad you like it. I like it, too. And..." I lean up on my toes and tilt my head, Garrus meeting me for a gentle kiss and so that I can whisper against his mouth, "I can't wait to see how it looks on your dick." 

My reckless, tough, brave Turian groans at the torture in exactly the same way as he did when he was cumming inside me, and I'm not even ashamed of the way it makes me giggle before I dodge him and dart away. I manage to actually get to the bathroom this time and smile at the tube of lip gloss on the sink. I even manage to smile at my own reflection; when Garrus has made me glow, I don't notice the cybernetics scars quite so much. 

He's gone when I get out of the shower, which makes me a little sad but makes sense, too. I should probably appreciate that he can still be responsible; one of us has to when the other is naked, and I'm not always capable. I do wonder if Miranda will piss him off, though, on my way down to the Mess Hall. 

Hawthorne and Hadley nearly charge into me when the elevator doors open, and all three of us startle. "Jesus Christmas, I need to install alarms for when someone is standing on the other side of these doors," I quip, stepping out where they make space for me. 

"Sorry for the scare, Commander," Hadley offers with an impish grin. 

"No problem. But why are you looking at me like that?"

His grin only grows, and Hawthorne laughs from beside him. "You, uh...look rather happy this morning, Commander. It's just nice to see." They both flash knowing looks at me when my face heats up at that. "It's a good thing, ma'am. We like to see it." 

"Yeah, well. Knock off the ma'am shit unless you're joining my ground crews." I spin away before I can keep blushing, and they both laugh softly, letting me escape with no more punishment for my post-morning-sex glow. I'm not ashamed of it, at least. I'm sure the only reason no one in Mess Hall chooses to call me out is that Garrus has also just arrived, and he's a lot bigger than I am.

He's also glowing right along with me, and I don't hate that one bit. 

"Everything okay with Miranda?" I ask at the coffee machine since we're too late for breakfast. 

"Oh, yes," he answers, sounding a hell of a lot happier than I thought he would after a meeting with someone like Miranda. It occurs to me that he might have hit her, and I'm not sure what I'll have to do about that. Maybe throw him a parade. 

Garrus reaches over my head and pulls down the coffee mug I always choose for myself, the one I have to practically climb onto the counter and dig for. He even knows what mug I prefer. I lean up on my toes again, this time to kiss his cheek. He flushes harder than I ever have, his whole throat turning bright blue, and I hear a gasp pass through his lips. 

"Warn a guy before you stop his heart, kid," he breathes. 

"What's the fun in that?" I wink at him and accept the coffee - perfectly prepared, of course - before heading toward the table with him. 

"Commander." I almost wince at Miranda's hellish accent when she calls my name but school my features. I apparently can't school my internal reactions though, which, of course, Garrus recognizes and smirks about. "Can we discuss your ground crew plan for Omega?"

I frown at her, confused instead of irked this time. "I don't have a ground crew plan. I'm actually giving the crew a day of shore leave." 

"Hey, going to the club!" Kenneth cheers, lifting his arms triumphantly. Gabby swats him for it and then catches my gaze to roll her eyes. Miranda still doesn't look pleased, though. 

"We've been working hard, we've made our way through a lot of the dossiers that the Illusive Man sent me. All I'm doing on the station is a pick-up for someone who knows we're coming. I do not need a crew for that." 

"It's Omega, Shepard," Miranda retorts, planting her palms on the table and narrowing her eyes at me. "Everyone needs a ground crew." 

"Take it easy, Miri," Jacob says softly, not reprimanding her but managing to sound like he really wants to help. And she listens, relaxing at least a little instantly. "The commander is pretty likely to take Garrus with her, and who is more equipped for handling Omega?"

"Yeah, that seems wise," Miranda retorts, rolling her eyes. "Take the man that the gangs of Omega ran off in blazing glory back onto the station just when they believe he's dead." 

Garrus stiffens beside me. "Archangel was anonymous. They have no idea who I am." He takes a breath, the sort of one that concerns me, and I frown up at him. "Besides...even if they knew me, I only have half a face to recognize." 

"Hey." I plant my hand on his thigh and squeeze a little. "It's an excellent half a face." He smirks and winks, relaxing again completely. And even preening a little while he drapes his arm over the back of my chair. There's the Garrus I know. 

"Fine. Just...avoid your old contacts at least." Miranda tosses her hands up and marches off again. This time, Jacob follows after a long gaze at her ass - genetically designed to attract his attention. Success for both of them, I guess. 

"So...could you do your friends down in engineering a favor while you're on Omega?" Kenneth asks, leaning across the table and waggling his eyebrows at me. 

"Kenneth!" Gabby swats him again. "Do not bother the commander with our nonsense." 

"No, no, it's okay," I assure them, leaning into Garrus's side and enjoying the way they both notice. "If there's something I can do to make your jobs easier or the ship to perform better, let me know. I admit my engineering knowledge is super limited, though, so use small words."

Kenneth looks to Gabby for approval, and this time she nods. Unfortunately, they then both immediately go into the description of something about a coupling and maintenance times that goes right over my head. Why is it that engineers always talk so damn fast about their machines and math and mojo? I just told them I understand next to nothing, and now I'm beginning to wonder just how distant that 'next to' really is.

Garrus comes to rescue and squeezes my shoulder. "I've got it, kid. I know what they need and where to get it."

"Lucky me. My big nerdy hero." 

He laughs, but there's something tight about it, and then he motions with his head away from the table. I nod as well and drain my coffee before following him into the Main Battery. "My sister is supposed to call me again in a minute, but, uh...I need to talk to you about something." 

Garrus doesn't have many tells. He's a sniper, which means that he's patient and steady and a rock. He's a Turian, which means that the majority of his emotions are expressed in vocal tones and subtones, not his facial expressions. And he's Garrus, which means that he's a damn good poker player and intuitive as hell. Garrus doesn't have many tells, but he has a couple. 

When Garrus is feeling nervous, he rubs his fringe. And when Garrus is guilty, he taps his left heel. And right now, Garrus is doing both of those things. 

Garrus guilty and nervous makes me feel nervous, too. He really is a rock; not much at all can throw this guy off-kilter. Actually, the only thing I know of which can is me. Us. And I thought we were pretty great after this morning so...

I clear my throat, calm myself as much as possible, and sit down on his cot. The cot he still hasn't gotten rid of in here because he's not moving in with me. Maybe this is how he's going to tell me that he doesn't want to move in with me at all. I could be okay with that, really. I mean, at least for now. Eventually, I want it, but...maybe Garrus never will. And then - 

"Shit, Shepard, I can see the wheels turning from out here." Garrus kneels in front of me and catches my gaze. "Relax." 

"That would be easier if I didn't know you were nervous. And guilty about something." He blinks, surprised, but now it's all out in the open. Now we can start talking. "What's going on?"

Garrus stands and starts walking away, pacing the room in front of me. This is his other tell. This is a bad one. Garrus thinks that whatever this is, it's serious. 

"We're going back to Omega," he begins. "There are...things that happened on Omega I'm not ready to talk about. And there are..." He takes a deep breath. "Shepard, there are things I'd prefer I never had to tell you. But if we're going to Omega, there's something you need to know." 

"Okay." I pull my legs up under me and grab his pillow, needing something to comfort me and to hold onto. "I gotta tell you, big guy, you're making me more and more nervous by the second. I mean, did you leave a drug ring behind? Or...a wife?" It's hard to get that last word out, and I hear my voice crack around it. Garrus hears it too and whirls around to face me. 

"Baby, no," he breathes, crossing the room again and this time sitting down beside me. "I told you I couldn't even look for someone else to love. You're it." He nuzzles the side of my face, and I feel relief flood through me. We're not going to end up meeting his family on Omega, the other woman who loves him and is looking for him. 

"Okay, well, then it can't be that bad. Even the drug ring isn't that bad." 

He chuckles and nips my jaw in his best approximation of a kiss. "It's...it's not that bad. It's just hard to talk to you about this." Garrus wraps his arms around me and rests his forehead against the side of my head. "Shepard, I didn't love anyone else. I never even seriously dated someone else - before or after you. But I did...there were other people." 

I do my best not to tense but know that he feels it anyway when his arms tighten just a little like he's afraid I'm going to take off running. "It's okay," I manage. "I'm...it's not something I have any reason or right to be upset about. I was dead." 

Garrus tenses when I say that, and this time I reach for him. 

"I'd be upset too, Shepard. I get it." He presses his mouth to my hair. "If I'd know you were coming back, that there was any possibility..." He trails off, and I shake my head. I don't want him to feel guilty about this. It's foolish on my part and unnecessary on his. Except that Garrus thought it was necessary today when we're going to Omega. 

"You think we might see someone that you slept with on Omega." Garrus doesn't respond, and something cold blooms in my gut. "You want to see someone." 

"I don't want another person wondering if I'm dead," he breathes. "I have to keep it from most on Omega, but...there is someone who helped my crew out a lot. Who helped me. I owe it to her." 

"I understand that," I assure him, thinking about how devastated Garrus sounded during his conversation with his sister yesterday. He was afraid she'd never forgive him, that she'd wish he was dead. He doesn't want to live as a ghost anymore, and I respect that. But the insecure parts of me are screaming. Does he miss this person? Did she mean anything to him? Does she mourn him? 

"It was a business partnership, Shepard," Garrus breathes like he can read my mind. "We both benefited from it. The sex was also just part of the business partnership. I felt nothing for her outside of appreciation and physical attraction." His honesty is appreciated too, but it hurts more than I want it to. "Listen to me. No one has ever done for me what you do." 

"I know." And for the most part, I mean it. Except there's always part of me who remembers what Garrus had before me. I can't just pretend I never saw vids of what Turian sex is really like, or that I don't know he's a lot kinkier than we have been, or...I stop my own train of thought. This headspace isn't getting us anywhere good. "Do you want time to see her alone?"

"No," he answers quickly and firmly. "I think as a team, on this mission, we could still benefit from a relationship with her. But it should be through you. You're our Commander, this is your call." He runs his nose along my ear, hand slowly rubbing up and down my arm. "I don't want anyone else. I don't want anything else to do with her." 

Someone useful. Someone on Omega. Someone hot enough to get Garrus's attention. 

"Oh, wow. Aria T'Loak?"

The slow exhale and stiffening answers my question and confirms my suspicion. And I've never been less confident in my entire life. Aria T'Loak absolutely oozes sex appeal; I felt it from several feet away and after only moments in her presence. 

"Shepard..." Garrus takes one of my hands and presses it against his chest. "There's only you. There has only ever been you. Sex means nothing to me unless it's with you. You're the only person who gets to me at all." 

"I'm sorry. I'm a pathetic, insecure - " 

"Stop." Now his voice is much firmer. "You're not pathetic. And you're insecure, but we're working on it." A nip at my ear sends a shiver running down my spine. "You're going to let me in, and then you'll let me show you just how sexy you are. How sexy everyone but you knows that you are." He licks the spot right behind my ear, and that touch, so small and simple, sets my blood to boiling and takes my breath away. "Aria has nothing on you, Elle. Especially not in the effect you have on me." 

Garrus pushes my hand from where it rests on his chest down between his legs. He's not hard yet, no erection, but I can feel the shift in his groin plates. I've never touched him here when he wasn't hard before, and there's something hot about it. Intimate. I look up at him while I press against the slit forming, and he growls, eyes fluttering shut. 

"I was making a point," he murmurs. "But, please stop if you don't want this to go much further." 

"Garrus, I want you to take me on every surface of this ship. And anywhere else you want to take me, too. EDI, lock the doors, and go into privacy mode until I unlock the doors and come out." 

Garrus growls while the AI confirms, and he tugs my ear with his teeth, thrusting his hips into my hand. I move to kiss him, but in a flash, Garrus is standing in front of me and tearing through the buckle on his pants. He shoves them down and catches my hand again, pulling me close. My heart thumps, and even while I want him desperately, I hesitate. 

"I don't know how to..." 

"Not inside," he growls out. "Just...pressure. Here." He presses my fingers against that slit and moans. 

I rub a little, keeping that pressure, and ask, "Like this?"

"Yeah, just like that." He laughs a little and releases my hand to let me work alone. 

"You get me hard so fast. So much faster than I knew was possible before you." In a rush, Garrus's plates shift, and his cock spills out right into my waiting palm, like being released from a spring. He groans deeply, almost like it hurts, and I eagerly wrap both my hands around him. "Spirits, Shepard. You drive me crazy." 

"I think you are a little crazy," I tease. "Tempting me with a nooner when you know your sister is calling soon." 

He gives me a grin that's downright evil. "Just means we're going to have to be quick." 

Garrus moves at the speed of light again, practically jumping on top of me and laying me back on his bed, the pillow falling to the floor. He kisses me hard and deftly pulls through my pants to yank them down. I shift to let him take them all the way off, but Garrus stops when they're at my knees and then pushes my knees up to my chest. 

He kneels and leans over me, pressing my knees back further and bringing his cock into alignment with me. "Wrap your arms around your knees and hold them to your chest," he orders, fingers testing and teasing me. I obey him without thought, my entire body surging with heat and intense pleasure. "I'm going to take you fast and hard, but you'll need to be quiet. No noise, and I’ll let you cum. Scream, and you won’t get to." 

"Oh, fuck, Garrus." I push my head back into the mattress. I know that he pauses because part of him is wondering if I'll resist or react. But I want this. I want whatever he wants, and I want to cum only when I have his permission. 

"That's not quiet now, is it? You'll need to be punished if you're going to ignore orders, Commander." 

I want to argue, to give him snark for using my title like that, and then he's fucking me, and all I want is more, more, more. I force myself to stay quiet, clenching my knees instead of screaming. It would be a lie to say that it's because the crew is outside the doors, a few yards away; I don't much care with his cock stretching me. I'm quiet because he told me to be. 

And it gets harder as everything inside me starts to heat and tremble. "Don't cum," Garrus growls, his teeth at my throat. "I warned you." 

"Oh, God, no," I beg. "Please...I need it." 

"Don't," he snarls, still pounding away and making not falling apart for him damn near impossible. 

"You can...you can punish me later," I plead with him, desperate and turned on and needy. "Anything but this." Garrus just chuckles and scrapes his teeth down my throat, forcing me to moan. "Please...you-you can..." It hits me, and I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that it makes my heart leap. "You can spank me." 

For the first time in all the times that we've had sex, Garrus falters in his rhythm. It lasts barely a second, and then he's stroking into me again, rotating his hips and letting his balls slap off my ass. "You want me to spank you?" he breathes, shifting to speak against my lips. I kiss him and nod. "Say it." 

"I want you to spank me." 

Garrus flashes a grin and sits up, gripping my legs just below my hands and going even faster, even harder. It's well beyond what I can handle, keeping me right on the verge of an explosion, and then Garrus murmurs, "That's my girl. Cum for me." 

I shatter, losing my mind and my sight and my breath when Garrus pounds right where I need him. Vaguely I feel Garrus guide my legs back down before he collapses on top of me, huffing into my throat and wrapping his arms around me. I feel like Jell-O and not just because of the position he had me in. "God, you're good." 

"I know," he teases, nipping at my jaw and then sitting up to kiss me. "Don't be mad that I'm asking you to go now, please. My sister should call any minute." 

I laugh and shake my head, then kiss him to assure him that I'm not angry. He deserves time with his sister. I'm honestly excited that he carved out ten minutes to be brutally honest and fuck me senseless. 

He kisses me one more time, and then we both stand to get our pants back on. "I hope that doesn't get too painful," I quip, eyeing his very much still hard erection. 

"If it does, I'll just return the favor tonight." My heart stalls, not even relaxed when he winks. Whether or not he means it, I do. It scares me just to think about it but...but I want it. 

I want him to spank me; I want it to hurt, and I want him in control, and I want to absolutely lose my mind for him. 

I throw myself into his arms, and Garrus laughs, catching me in a bear hug. I push my forehead against his and whisper, "I want to be everything for you." 

Garrus pulls back a little and kisses me briefly, looking me right in the eyes. "You already are, Elle. I don't need anything else." I bump our foreheads, grateful and just so happy. "I want to make you happy, too. I want to give you everything you deserve, everything you want. Even the things you never realized you wanted before." 

"I realize now," I assure him, tightening my hold and pressing closer, his erection throbbing against my stomach. 

He makes a soft, thoughtful noise and then shifts into a growl, dropping his hand to my ass. "I can't wait to see this ass turn pink under my hand," he breathes, voice low and dangerous. "I want you hot and panting and aching for me while your ass stings, and you want to beg me to stop. Is that what you realize, Shepard? That you want that?" 

My heart is pounding, and I can hear myself panting. And I don't even care if it's pathetic. I want him to see me absurdly needy. I want to give him everything. Every single piece of me. 

"I want it. I want everything." 

Garrus leans down and kisses me softly. "And I'll give it to you." 

*****

Solana is still the light of my life. Ever since she was born, the little pain in my ass could brighten up my whole damn day by doing nothing at all. And even when I'm not in a bad mood, Sol makes my world a little lighter. 

She doesn't completely understand what's going on with Shepard and me. I'm sure some of that has to do with Shepard being human; we don't know any Turians personally who are in relationships with humans. I've only ever heard of one or two even sleeping with humans who weren't prostitutes. She's not judgmental, though. I didn't expect her to be. Solana isn't racist. 

She is well aware that our father will be extremely judgemental, though, and she doesn't let me forget it. Solana wanted answers I don't have - how I'm going to handle Dad's reaction to this, how Shepard will handle Dad being an asshole, what I do if Dad refuses to accept her. Ever. She hates that I can't answer and won't plan, but Shepard and I are new to this. I know we're permanent, but I plan to enjoy it for now.

It's hard to be honest with her about Omega. It's even harder to hear about everything I've missed; I have two new nephews from my oldest brother. Hearing about our mom and the changes in her health, the way she's degrading almost breaks my heart. Solana manages to make it all a little easier, but she can't take the pain away entirely. There's only one person who can, and Omega is going to get in the way of getting to her for a while. 

Of course, Shepard needs to barely glance at me when I arrive in Mess Hall on time to leave the ship to know that something is wrong. I shake my head just a little, asking her not to confront me about it here, not now. Always on my side, Shepard nods in return and then winks, promising me a normal day. 

"Everyone get the memo about ground rules for today?" Shepard asks the crew over her coffee mug. Third cup today; someone wore her out last night. She asks that question while looking directly at Jack, and I try not to laugh. 

"No bringing back drugs or hookers, don't get arrested, be back on the ship in twenty-four hours," Jack recites in a dry tone. 

"And it's impossible to get arrested on Omega so...tiny list of rules you got there, Commander," I tease her, taking a seat at the table so that she has my attention even if I make jokes. I can tell by the sparkle in her emerald eyes that she appreciates it. 

"Seriously. You're adults, and I don't care to babysit any of you," Shepard continues, her Commander mask and voice on. The crew is attentive but not in that worshipy way we both hated from Alenko. That means she has a chance of getting along with the entire crew, and so do I. Hawthorne catches my attention, holding up a pack of jerky before tossing it to me. Yeah, we'll be fine here. "Behave. Don't embarrass me, and do not expect me to bail you out." 

"Yes, ma'am," Hadley agrees, giving her a salute. He then grins ear to ear and asks, "But...we're getting together at Purgatory tonight, right?"

I nearly shudder at just the name of the place. I'm not sure how I feel about going back there at all, nonetheless without my crew. Maybe having Shepard will help. Maybe. Or maybe I can convince her to stay on the ship with me and let the crew misbehave without us. 

"Dismissed." The crew starts to disperse, and Shepard signals for me to wait before walking away with Mordin and Miranda. Joker taps my shoulder, so I stand and follow him toward the cockpit, figuring I'll wait near the airlock for Shepard. Joker sits down carefully in his chair and keeps it facing me where I lean against the wall instead of his controls. 

"You okay?" 

I frown at the pilot's question. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Because...Omega." He makes a wild sort of gesture with his hands. "You don't seem to want to talk about the place, you make a face every time it's brought up. Figured coming back might be a little weird." 

"Yeah, it's...a little weird," I admit. He doesn't need to know that it's an incredible understatement. Especially since he already looks too damn sad for me to stand it. "Quit looking at me like that, and I'll tell you later about who I've seen naked on Omega."

"Whoa, who - " 

"Ready, big guy?"

Fortunately for all parties involved, Joker has the sense to keep his mouth shut as Shepard approaches. Talking about my sexual exploits as a heartbroken asshole with no inhibition or conscience with an old friend is a lot different from talking to Shepard about it at all. I knew she'd feel a little jealous about Aria, the powerful Asari being one hell of a sex symbol. But I know it's insecurity, not that she doesn't trust me. And I know that no one is sexier than Shepard. I know she'll feel better after seeing me with Aria today, too. 

Not that I think I'll feel better about seeing Aria. And this day started so damn well. 

At least this time, I get to be with Shepard on Omega instead of just mourning her. Maybe she can help keep some of the demons at bay. Unlikely, judging by the way my heart is thumping as we near the airlock door.

"You wanna take a minute, big guy?" Shepard asks softly, glancing behind us to make sure we're still alone. I frown down at her and then have to laugh at the knowing expression on her face. 

"I thought I was the one with the uncanny ability to read people," I quip, even though I know joking won't take the pressure off me. I take a deep breath; the urge to lash out at Shepard doesn't come up often, and whenever it does, it makes me feel like shit. Especially now when she doesn't deserve it. She's only trying to help, and she would know how sore a spot Omega is for me if I talked to her about it. 

"I don't have a scanner for people, but I do know you," she replies. Now her voice is soft because she can hear the agitation in my voice, I'm sure. 

I reach for her hand, grateful to have someone who knows me so well. And cares so damn much. "I don't like being here. I'm only managing because I'm with you. I don't need to take a minute; I only need you, kid." 

The smile that she gives me feels warmer than the sun on Palaven, and it eases the icy burden in my chest just a little. The darkness in my mind is harder to fight, and not just because I'm stepping back onto the station where twelve people who counted on me died. Died for me. It's enough to let me breathe, though. Enough to let me walk through the airlock and onto the station. 

There's something almost comforting about the smell that hits me when we step onto Omega. Yes, that smell is piss and burnt red sand and taboo sex. And yes, it turns my stomach. But at least I know it. There are no questions about Omega. It's a constant. Steady hell, but steady. And in a world where people I love come back from the dead, maybe I need a little steady...even if it is hell. 

"You know this guy, right?" Shepard asks, talking about Zaeed Massani and our mission today. 

"Know him might be an overstatement. I worked with him once to take out a rogue merc, about a year ago. Brief mission, nothing spectacular. He's a little nuts, but he gets the job done." I shrug and add, "He didn't have a problem with me being Turian or the aliens on my crew at least." 

"Well, that's something." I can tell she doesn't feel confident about this recruitment - less than she did with Jack or Grunt anyway. I wonder if that has something to do with him being a vigilante...and I wonder what that means she thinks about Archangel. 

Zaeed is supposed to meet us on the docking bay, and I spot him all the way at the end of the hall. He's got a Batarian guy up against the wall with his hand, the guy holding one leg oddly enough for me to know that it's broken. We get close enough to see the guy bleeding and to hear his grunt when Zaeed knees him right in the gut. 

Shepard makes a soft little gasp, and I can almost feel her red flags going off. A memory of her shoving Wrex when he shot an unarmed prisoner who was doing seriously bad shit flashes through my mind. It makes her a good person, but she's not cut out for understanding bounty hunting or mercenary work. I'm sure the Batarian deserves whatever Zaeed is taking him in for. 

The Batarian can see that Shepard is soft for a lost cause, too. "Please...help me," he pleads when he spots us. 

"No one said you could talk, jackass," Zaeed snaps at his prisoner. 

"You Zaeed Massani?" Shepard calls, her voice just as hard. She's not making me out myself in public on this station, and I appreciate it. Zaeed never had a reason to see me without a helmet, and I don't have a reason to stop being anonymous here. 

Zaeed turns around to face us, leaving the Batarian on the ground. His face isn't a shock to me anymore after seeing it half a dozen times, but Shepard stiffens just barely. I only see it because I know her. His entire face is heavily scarred like he got into a fight with a rabid Varen or an ungloved Turian. One of his eyes is fake, and the replacement looks like it has cybernetic augmentations built it, an odd color and not quite sitting naturally. He also has a weird accent and a deep, gruff voice. 

"Yeah, that's me," he responds, giving Shepard the kind of once over that gets my territorial instincts up. "You must be Commander Shepard. I hear we have a galaxy to save." 

He might be trying to form an alliance, but Shepard isn't biting. "I assume you've been briefed?" she asks, stiff and professional. 

"I've done my homework. Cerberus sent me everything I needed to know.”

"Yeah, well, Cerberus told me that we were picking up one man. Not two." She motions to the Batarian in a groaning heap on the ground, and Zaeed turns slowly back to his prisoner. The smirk he gets when he sees the guy flinch is familiar. That's comforting, too. There's something cathartic about knowing you can scare the hell out of a badass alien mercenary. 

"Batarian delinquent," Zaeed tells us. "Pissed off someone rich enough to hire me to go after him. And for my 'bring 'em in alive rates' even." 

"Please," the Batarian moans. "I didn't do it." 

I can't help scoffing at him. "Yeah, right. That's what they all say." 

Shepard and Zaeed shoot me looks at the same moment, but they're completely opposite. He approves; she's disappointed. For now, I pretend I didn't see her.   
Zaeed kicks the Batarian in the face. "I said shut it." He then casually turns back to me and Shepard. "Bastard tried to lead me on a chase all over the Systems. He should have known better. These people always run to Omega." 

"What's going to happen to him?"

I can tell Zaeed doesn't understand why Shepard would ask that, why she cares. As well as I know her, I don't really understand either. "I'm going to turn him in for the bounty. Don't much care what happens after that." 

Shepard takes a breath. What else is there to say? Shepard chooses to focus on the business instead. 

"What's your relationship with Cerberus?"

"The long and short is that Cerberus is paying me a lot of money to help you on your mission," Zaeed replies, walking closer to her. He's strutting, really, and I take a step closer from behind her. I might be on her six just for support, but I'll shoot him for real if he keeps looking at her like meat. 

He eyes me, obviously aware of what I'm doing, and smirks a little. But he also stops stalking toward my girl. 

"Not many mercs would take a suicide mission for pay," Shepard notes, cocking her head to the side. I almost smile; I took a suicide mission for love - or so I thought before talking to Miranda this morning. But I wonder which Shepard considers as the dumber option. 

Zaeed does smile, and it's a grizzly look on him. "Most mercs don't get an offer like the one Cerberus sent me. The mission doesn't sound like good business, but your Illusive Man can move a lot of credits."

Shepard sighs deeply but sticks out her hand. She's not pleased, but I know an olive branch when I see one. "Good to have you, Zaeed. We have a lot to do." 

"That's what they tell me." Zaeed turns back to the Batarian, pulling out his pistol and motioning with it for the prisoner to stand while still talking to Shepard. "I assume the Illusive Man told you about the rest of our arrangement?" 

The set of her shoulders is a clear determinant that the Illusive Man did no such thing. "No," she replies. Even if I didn't know that particular stance, the tone of her voice makes it obvious. "I guess he decided to leave that information out of the dossier." 

"Good thing I asked then." Zaeed starts to pace the hallway in front of us at a leisurely pace while his prisoner leans on the wall as best he can with a severely broken leg. 

He's going to run. I can see it coming. 

"Picked up a mission a little while back, just before I signed on with Cerberus. You might be interested," Zaeed tells her. "You heard the name Vito Santiago?"

Shepard shakes her head, but my interest is instantly piqued. 

"Head of the Blue Suns," I interject. "Runs the whole organization." And he's a shifty, shady bastard who never came to Omega or he'd be dead. He deserves to be dead. 

"That's right," Zaeed agrees. "Seems he recently captured an Eldfell-Ashland refinery on Zorya and is using their workers for slave labor. The company wants it dealt with." 

Shepard reacts exactly the way I knew she would at the mention of slavery, and I'm reaching for her even before she can. My hand wraps around her elbow, and I feel her relax a little. She looks to me for feedback now; she'll look at me later for support. 

"Blue Suns are known for slavery operations," I tell her. "It's their bread and butter, along with drug ops. Most of the slavery in the Terminus Systems is their business." 

Zaeed hocks and spits on the ground; I don't know if that's at what I've said or just because he's disgusting. 

"I'll make sure we get Vito and his operation shut down," Shepard promises Zaeed - and probably promises herself. 

"Good! Let's get it out of the way so we can concentrate on being big goddamn heroes." 

And right then, proving my instincts are still spot on, the Batarian prisoner gathers his courage and takes off running back down the hall. If he gets through the doors onto the station, he might have a shot. Even with the limp and the blood trail. Zaeed doesn't move to chase him, though. 

Instead, he fires a shot at the Batarian from behind, and the guy falls dead. One more dead sack of scum on Omega. 

Shepard wants to say something, I can tell, but she doesn't get a chance before Zaeed sighs heavily and heads for the dead guy. "I better get this thing turned in before it starts to stink. I'll be locked and loaded next time you're ready to get some killing done." 

Zaeed then grabs the Batarian by the back of his shirt and drags him toward the Cargo Bay, a thick trail of blood following the dead body. 

"Should be an interesting addition to the team," I note, trying to hide my smirk since Shepard won't like it about a dead person. Even if the dead person is a criminal. 

"I'm not sure he's going to last on the team," Shepard counters. She crosses her arms over her chest and cocks her hip, eyes narrowed in the direction where Zaeed disappeared. "I don't like knowing he accepted the mission on the contingency I would help him." 

"Oh, come on, Shepard. You're always doing favors for your crew." I nudge her with my elbow and remind her, "You did a favor for me. Remember? Dr. Saleon?" 

"Yeah, but - " 

"You weren't getting great dick from everyone else on the original Normandy," I tease, "so that's not why you helped me. What makes Zaeed different?"

Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes at me. "Don't get cocky about the great dick, big guy. And I think I'm allowed to be cautious about a guy like that, considering what we know of him. He's a mercenary, a murderer for hire." 

"Yeah...maybe we're not all bad." 

"You stop that," she retorts, swatting at my chest and narrowing her eyes at me. "What you did - what Archangel did - is not the same as what Zaeed does. You had a greater mission." 

"We do now have matching scars, though," I quip.

Shepard throws her head back to laugh this time and shoves me away, marching past me while shaking her head. "Hey!" I call after her, giving chase and not just because she has an exceptional ass. "A pretty woman like you should not be alone on Omega. Besides..." I throw my arm around her shoulder as we step into the Market District of Omega. "This is our first date since you came back." 

"This is a date?" She huffs out a playfully sarcastic laugh, motioning around her. "All this, and we're going to buy weird parts for the engineers?"

She has a point. Even in the part of the Omega designed to entice sales, free market, and tourism, the station is a steaming heap of shit. We walk past homeless people of several species sleeping on the streets and even a couple dead bodies. There are people in fights, people using and selling drugs, and a Krogan getting a handjob from a Salarian guy. I'm dying to know how those two ended up in that situation, but Shepard isn't wrong about our 'date.' 

"I...well, I don't know," I admit, shrugging my shoulder. My throat starts to heat and flush when I have to confess, "This is my first date with a girlfriend. My only other date was also with you. Is a shooting range more romantic?"

Shepard stops walking instantly, and I wince, well aware of how pathetic I just made myself sound. I'll be thirty this year, and I've never been on a real date. She's the only person I've ever cared to date - and that makes me both pathetic and an asshole. 

"I have been on four dates," she informs me. I turn back, curious. "The first, I was fifteen, and he was a year older. My first kiss, too. He basically choked me with his tongue and slobbered all over my chin." 

"Is that what kissing is usually like? Why do you people like it so much?"

She rolls her eyes with a smile. "Is that what kissing is like for you, Vakarian? It takes practice to get good at it. And you know damn well why we like it." She falters just a little and adds, "Or at least I hope you do." 

"Hey." I scoop her into my arms, pulling her off her feet and against my chest. Before she can react or notice the people around us noticing, I kiss her soundly. It takes half a second before she melts. I pull away just enough and assure her, "I know why." 

Confidence restored, Shepard smiles and I let her down. "You like being able to kiss me in public." 

"I love it. Now tell me about your other dates." 

"Fine," she laughs, motioning for me to continue leading her. "The second date was when I was...twenty-one, I think. He was serving on my unit, he was super cute, and he didn't treat me like the girl on the squad." 

"Dreamy." 

She swats my arm, and we laugh. "Anyway. The date was standard, dinner and a movie on Earth. And it was...so boring." This time she laughs to herself. "We had nothing in common except for service, and that remained the same with everyone else I was even a little attracted to until I got dragged to the Citadel for the first time to pick up a Turian Spectre." 

"And his much, much sexier best friend," I add, puffing up my chest playfully. 

"With a much, much bigger ego. My third date was your first, and...now this. So if your dating history is sad, mine is too." 

"Oh, good. Let's be pathetic together." 

She laughs but shrugs a little, pink coloring her cheeks to match her lips. "Or...we could date. Do this more often." 

This time I stop, and I catch her hand to make her stop with me. "I would love that. It means a lot that you want to be public but...I want to spend time with you, not working or fucking. Is that okay?"

That Palaven-warm smile comes back, and she pops up on her toes to kiss me. "Of course, it's okay. I love that." 

The ice inside me thaws just a tiny bit more. 

I motion ahead of us toward my target, a dark little shop in a dark little corner where most shoppers never think to go. The Quarian behind the counter doesn't notice us approaching right away, and Shepard looks far less than certain about buying parts for her ship at a place like this. She'll trust me on it, though. 

I clear my throat after a moment, and the Quarian, Kenn - the proprietor of Kenn's Salvage and a really sweet kid - whirls around. "Hello there!" he greets us, putting down the drill he was using. "Might I interest you in some salvaged tech? Every credit goes toward a ticket to get me off this forsaken rock." 

"I'd hoped you would already be gone, Kenn," I tell him, leaning on the counter to keep anyone walking past from seeing what I put down on the counter. These patches were on all of our clothes and armor, so the Archangel symbol became recognizable for everyone. Kenn included. 

"You're not dead!" he squeaks, barely managing to keep his voice down. I hush him anyway, and he whispers an apology. "Everyone has been talking about you - even more than before. It's been kinda nice not having the gangs breathing down our necks. Some of them did celebrate your death, though." 

"Of course they did," I drawl. It's good news that all of Omega, and especially the gangs, think I'm dead. "I see Harrot is still breathing down your neck. When are you going to let me do something about that?" 

Kenn is shaking his head before I even finish. "You know I can't do that. This is my pilgrimage, I have to do this on my own." 

"You know, I buy a lot of parts and equipment," Shepard notes, tapping his console to bring up a screen for purchasing. "Maybe we could make an arrangement." 

I manage to fall even deeper in love with her somehow. Kenn does too, I think. "Really? I mean...Harrot could kill me, but you're with Archangel, so I trust you not to tell him." 

"Not a word," Shepard promises. "Now, I need Archangel to help me figure out what I need." I laugh, but Kenn stays professional, and I quickly find the couplings that Gabby and Kenneth need. It's not a huge expense, and they're right, it will help maintenance times. "What brought a nice kid like you to Omega, Kenn?" she asks.

"My pilgrimage. What money I had got stolen within a few days, so I decided to sell salvaged parts. You can see how that turns out." He shakes his head, shoulders low. "Harrot's forcing me to sell high. When Archangel was here to keep him in line, it was a little better, at least."

Guilt pierces me. I barely made any difference at all on Omega - that's obvious just by looking around. But the difference that I did make is null now that I've lost my team and can't stay here. 

"How much do you need to get off Omega?" she presses. 

"No, ma'am, I couldn't - " 

"Kenn. How much?"

He's powerless under her gaze; I know the feeling. He sighs and says, "One thousand credits. This is my mistake on my pilgrimage, though."

"I get that, and I respect it," Shepard assures him, tapping his hand soothingly. She then turns to me and says, "We need a lot of...salvage for engineering, right? Maybe a few parts and pieces for the Main Battery, too? I seem to recall a metal plate going missing from down there." 

"You are absolutely right, Commander." I turn back to the console, resisting the urge to kiss her in public right now. Kenn stands there flabbergasted while I go through his parts list and rattle off random costly pieces, making up excuses about why we need them. Shepard accepts all of them without question. I let up when we've spent two thousand credits, and she nods her approval. 

"Get out of here," I tell Kenn, handing him the Cerberus credit chit and feeling damn good about it. It's real progress on Omega, getting a kid who deserves it off this station. He has a pilgrimage to finish and things to do. 

"I...I don't know what to say." 

"Say you'll leave on the next shuttle out of here," Shepard says, absolutely an order. 

He promises, thanks us repeatedly, and then runs away as fast as he can. I hope he has the sense to hide that credit chit before he gets mugged again. It's a fleeting thought, though, affection for Shepard overwhelming me. 

"Come here." I pull her against me again, and this time I tug her around the counter and into the shadows of Kenn's shop. Shepard doesn't resist, even when I shove her against the wall after knocking some crates out of the way. "You're an incredible person," I tell her, making sure she can still see my eyes when I say it even in the dark. I can see her face flush and the sweet smile that comes over her. 

"I didn't do anything Archangel wouldn't have done...with the resources," she adds, laughing a little. 

"Maybe, but your breasts look much better than Archangel's." She laughs, but I muffle it with a kiss, using her surprise to take more of her mouth while I pin her against the wall with my body. I can almost feel the pressure of her hands on my waist when she reaches for me. I thought I'd have to convince her to get into this, but Shepard kisses me back eagerly. "Is this normal dating for you?" I tease, dragging my mouth to her jaw and wishing I could get to more of her neck. 

"Archangel turns me on," she breathes, arching her spine as much as he can. "I hate not being able to feel your hands." 

"It's not my hands I want you to feel. What is about Archangel? I know he's tall and handsome, but I have some of that going for me, too." 

"Mmm, jealous?" She laughs, then yelps when I nip her ear. "There's a mystery to Archangel. A...danger. It's hot." 

My cock leaps to life, throbbing painfully against the metal of my armor. "Spirits, you make me fucking hot. I can give you danger, baby. Get on your knees for me, and I'll show you danger." 

"Here?" she breathes, throwing me back to our moment in the Main Battery before we were interrupted. I failed her then. Now, I'm going to keep her safe, even as I make her intensely vulnerable. 

I grip her ponytail and jerk her head back. "On your knees," I command, ignoring her question and the potential danger. "I'm gonna fuck your mouth right here, where anyone who comes around the corner could see you and learn how hungry you are for my cock." I brush her lips with my mouth and add, "Or what a perfect little slut you are for me." 

"Oh, fuck." It trails off in a pained hiss when I use the hold on her hair to start shoving her to her knees, but she doesn't react or fight against me. Shepard tears my codpiece off and eagerly works my dick from its confines, directly into her waiting mouth. 

Hungry was right. She moans deeply like it's the best-tasting thing she's ever had in her mouth, and the notion makes all of this so much hotter. 

"Look at you," I growl at her, letting her set the pace - which includes licking and sucking and jerking my erection hard. "The great Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, on her knees in some filthy back alley with a Turian cock in her mouth." 

Shepard moans, almost a whimper, and ups her pace while bobbing her head up and down on my shaft. 

"Good girl." I cup the back of her head but don't push. I've pushed enough for now, and this feels incredible. "Just like that, Elle." My legs tremble and threaten to give out when I feel the back of her throat, hot and lush and soft. Her hand slips into my BDUs to cup my quad, squeezing just enough to send shockwaves shooting up my spine and down my legs while she continues to work me in and out of her throat. "You're gonna do this again tonight, baby. You're gonna suck my dick, and I'm gonna spank that perfect ass, and then I'm going to cum all over you." 

Her hand squeezes my quad roughly, enough that it hurts, and I lose it. All I can manage to do is not roar while I shoot a fantastically cathartic load down her throat. Shepard doesn't move, swallowing it all down until she has to pull away, gasping for air. She makes a soft humming noise, running her fingers over my shaft slowly - almost playfully. 

"Yeah. Archangel is hot." 

"And Archangel's girlfriend is so...fucking...sexy." I help her to her feet while adding, "And incredible with her mouth." 

Shepard laughs and kisses me, folding my cock gently back into my BDUs. "I could be really terrible at that, you know. Do you have a lot of experience to know whether or not I'm incredible?"

"With blowjobs? Only you. I don't need more than that to know it feels amazing." 

"Wait, really? You've never...no one else?"

I pull back and look down at her, surprised that she seems surprised. "Of course not. I mean, I know it's kind of common for humans but...it's always been just a thing I had with you. And..." I swallow, trying to decide how much to confess. "And you remain my only human." 

"Garrus." Shepard throws herself against me, kissing me so hard I'm sure it has to hurt her soft lips. It's an instant relief, though, and I hold her close, reveling in the post-orgasmic bliss and peace that only Shepard can give me. "I love you," she breathes into my neck, the words getting my heart racing just like every time she says it. 

"Hearing that will never get old." I hug her, nuzzling my face into her neck. "Thank you for making Omega a little less like hell. And today, just a little more bearable." Shepard wraps her arms around me and returns the embrace. 

"Will you talk to me later? At least about the call with Solana?"

I take a breath, preparing myself to be honest instead of giving the knee-jerk answer. They're the same answer. "Yes, of course." 

"Thank you." She kisses my cheek, and then we part slowly, neither of us really wanting to let go. She bends down and retrieves my codpiece, holding on when I take hold of it. "And, thank you for doing this right before we go see Aria." 

"Were you thinking about Aria while you were sucking me off, Shepard?" I tease. "You are a dirty little thing, huh?" I swat her ass, and Shepard jumps but laughs at me. She then grabs my hand and drags me back around the counter, letting me take the lead again. She's the only person in the world who can make me feel whole in the place that shredded me. 

*****

I assume it would be ridiculous to just walk into Purgatory and announce Archangel had returned from the dead to see Aria. It has to be a good way to get a gun in our faces, really. However, that's exactly where Garrus takes me. 

He's tense the moment we reach the club, even before we get inside. I can't be completely sure why, but it doesn't matter. I just squeeze his hand harder and stay by his side while Garrus navigates the crowd. There are demons inside this man that weren't there before - demons that saw something familiar in Zaeed Massani. And if saying goodbye to Aria T'Loak will help conquer them a little, I'm more than happy to be here. 

We head for the back stairs leading up to Aria's little throne, but Garrus changes direction at the last minute and aims for the other set of stairs. One more squeeze of my hand, and then he approaches. Instantly, the bored Turian snaps to, his jaw opening almost comically. "Hey, Grizz. How's it hanging?" Garrus greets him with a charming grin. 

Grizz is less than impressed. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he hisses, both hands balling into fists. He looks around, a little suspicious and more than a little frantic, and then motions toward the little hallway off the edge of the club. "You know where to go, and you know the code. Go. Wait. Call no one." 

Garrus just nods, no questions or further information. Obviously, whatever Grizz is talking about, Garrus is familiar with, and I'm dragged along for the ride. He tugs me down the stairs after him and then down the seedy little hallway. The lights are low and red, making it clear what this area of the club is for. I don't want to know what happens behind closed doors. 

"Where are we going?"

"One of Aria's apartments," he answers, glancing at me to check for my reaction. 

I smile up at him. "I care a lot less that you know where her apartment is after watching you fall apart for me like that. And hearing you call me a slut actually helps."

"Hmm. You sound surprised by that last one." He releases my hand to swing his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. I gratefully lean into his side and hold onto his hips. 

"I'm surprised that I liked it," I confess. "Anyone else called me a slut before you, I might have laid them out. But the thought of being your slut, being there for you to use..." A shudder runs down my spine, my mind cycling through Garrus talking about making my ass pink and cumming all over me, and I'm helpless to stop my reaction to it. 

"Shit, I am crazy about you." That sends a shudder down my spine as well. 

When Garrus tugs me through a little doorway that I almost miss entirely, I think he's aiming for another quickie. Instead, I find myself in a much quieter hallway with only one door at the end. At that door, Garrus uses his Omni-Tool to enter a code. I note that he doesn't have it saved, the way he did with his own apartment on the Citadel, and find a little more relief in that. 

Aria's apartment - one of them, apparently - is small but stylish. It's all black and white and ultra-high modern, high tech, and high luxury. A massive bed dominates one entire end of the studio apartment with a plush couch offering more casual seating. Garrus is familiar with the space, guiding me to the couch and pulling me to sit down next to him. 

"You're absolutely certain she won't set you up, right?" I ask, anxiety settling in my chest now that we're here. There is no other way in or out of this apartment; if Aria sends one of the merc groups in here to wipe us out, they'll be shooting fish in a barrel. 

"I'm certain," Garrus replies, draping his arm over the back of the couch and resting one ankle on the other knee. He angles his body toward me, comfortable in someone one else's space, but focused on me. "Aria was a big help to my crew, and she gave me as much of a heads up as she could about the joint attack on the bridge without getting herself killed." 

"So, I owe her a big thanks." I run my fingers lightly over the bandages on his cheek, trying not to consider just how much I owe Aria now. She helped make sure I could get to Garrus in time, and she gave him a heads up. "Did she help you survive here, too?"

Garrus takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "I...I'm not ready to talk about that, Shepard." He shutters immediately, putting on his own mask and looking away from me. "I'm still not sure I survived here at all," he whispers, leaning into my touch even as he avoids me. 

"I don't know what that means, big guy." I lean into him as well, wishing I knew a way through his walls. "I just want to help." 

"You do," he murmurs before leaning in to kiss my lips, so softly that it's barely a brush of our lips. And somehow, it still sets my heart to fluttering. "You want me to return the favor right here, right now?" he breathes, the mask gone and his charm back - and then some. 

"Garrus!" 

"Ah, come on, baby," he murmurs, nipping my bottom lip. "I'll lay down right here, you can ride my face." Heat washes over me, and I almost fall into him, far too prepared to climb on top of him and do just that. "Damn it. Later." Garrus presses a hard kiss to my lips and then pulls back - not actually pulling away but no longer on the verge of making out with me either. I start to protest until the door chimes and then whooshes open. 

Aria walks in and glances around before coming right to the couch, Grizz following her into the room and then locking the door behind him. She sits down on the coffee table in front of us and takes Garrus by the jaw, pulling his head sharply to the side where she can examine the wounds. Or at least the bandages. "Shit.   
Grizz said you showed up with half a face, but I didn't believe it was this bad." 

"I take anonymity very seriously," he quips. "Ouch! Easy, Aria, shit." 

I tense with an instinctive need to protect him, and Aria notices the spark between my fingers, my biotics flaring without permission more often than I'd like these days. She looks over my body before looking at my face, and I'd like to pretend I haven't already noticed her cleavage. 

"You showed up a ghost and brought one with you." Aria laughs, the sound husky, and then shakes her head a little. "You never disappoint, Archangel." 

"I try. And...it's Garrus." 

I try not to startle at the realization that he never gave her his real name. He may have fucked her for months, but they never were on a first-name basis. It also then occurs to me that Aria may have had him for longer than I ever did. And that one is my fault. 

"You found your girl," Grizz notes, sounding immensely pleased. A hell of a lot more pleased than I'd expect one of Aria's bodyguards to sound about Garrus. And then I feel Garrus shift just a tiny bit. Aria and I aren't the only people in this room that Garrus has fucked. Shit, that should not be so damn hot. 

"I did," Garrus replies, moving his hand from the back of the couch to place it on my thigh instead. I recognize it as protective and proud but not territorial. He's not trying to hide me from them. Not the way he used to with Kaidan or Liara. Interesting. 

Aria takes a breath and then stands, moving into the oversized recliner like it's a damn throne. "So. You're not dead, you have your heart back, and...you're back on Omega? What the hell is wrong with you?"

A laugh escapes me, and I have to clap my hand over my mouth to stifle it when Garrus shooks me a playfully dark look. "Watch it, kid. It's your fault I'm back here, remember?" Garrus winks and leans back comfortably on the couch. I want to be that comfortable and even feel like I could with Aria and Grizz - as surprising as that feels - but I'm not there yet. "We're back for a mission, but...figured I owed you this. Both of you." 

"Aww, are we getting a big goodbye speech?" Grizz teases, sitting down on the arm of Aria's chair. He is most definitely comfortable with her. 

So Garrus has had them both...maybe together? I have to clench my core to stop another shudder. There is no excuse for me to find that so arousing. And when Garrus gives me a dark glance, I know that he's aware of what the thought is doing to me. I dodge his eyes and pretend I'm a professional. The sort who doesn't get hot for strangers and the thought of her boyfriend fucking them. 

"No speeches," Garrus responds. "But I'm aware of how much I owe you both. I would have died in the ambush if you didn't give me a heads up in time. And I got the delivery of ammo, too." 

Aria glances up at Grizz for that one, and he shrugs. "No idea what you mean." 

She just smirks at him and then shakes her head at Garrus. "We're even if anything. Your girl here gave me a heads up on a scheme to take me down." 

"You what?" Garrus asks, his eyes burrowing right through the side of my head. I just offer him a shrug and try to brush it off. I didn't do anything that wasn't the right thing. Especially considering what Aria gave me in return. If Garrus had died... 

"We're even," I tell Aria. "Like you said." She nods as if she understands, and something tells me that she does. I don't think she's in love with Garrus, though. And that's a relief, whether or not I think he could love her. 

"Things okay?" Garrus asks, deciding to let it go even as he pulls me against his side. 

Aria sighs; her arrogance and utter control of every situation are back. I like it. "Things are Omega. There is only so much change we can expect, whether the station has an archangel or not." 

This time I reach for Garrus, squeezing his leg even if he won't feel it through the armor. It can't be easy to hear that, considering all the work that he put in on this station and everything that it cost him. At least I don't think Aria is being intentionally cruel or obtuse by saying it; she's probably just frustrated by all the bullshit she must have to put up with on this station. 

"How long are you around for? Got any...free time?" The look that comes into Aria's eyes is entirely unmistakable. It's a look that Grizz shares at the moment, and one that makes my mouth go dry. Aria just asked Garrus on a date...and I think I was invited. 

"Our crew might be around tonight; they have a night off and are looking to blow off some steam." Garrus pauses for a moment and holds me a little closer when he admits, "I don't know if I'm ready to hang out on this station yet. I only came back for Shepard and then for you." 

"I'm honored," Aria quips, giving him a sarcastic look. It softens almost immediately, though, and she gives a slight nod. I appreciate her understanding, even if I don't quite understand everything that's going on with him yet. I do know that Garrus has had one hell of a day, though. He needs a break, and Omega doesn't seem like the kind of break he needs. 

They start to talk about a few Omega-specific things, and I mostly zone out while considering what I can do to give Garrus that break. I don't zone back in until pleasantries are being exchanged, and we're getting ready to leave. The meeting went a hell of a lot better than I could have hoped for, though. Sitting down with people Garrus fucked could have been a disaster even if I trust him. 

Garrus promises to keep in touch and let them know when we're back on Omega - if we come back this way. Aria offers to share any intel she gathers that might make a difference for the battle against the Collectors and the Reapers; she might hear something interesting considering her station and where that station is located in the galaxy. A pleasant introduction, a useful meeting, and one less burden for Garrus to carry around. Now he just has about a million more things weighing him down, and sky-high walls to scale. 

We head back out of Purgatory, and I assume we're going directly back to the ship. It's easy to see that being among friends did nothing to ease Garrus's anxiety about being on the station overall. The filth alone is enough for me to want to get the hell out of here. 

But Garrus grabs my hand and makes an unexpected turn, taking me in the opposite direction through the Market District as we were in before. "Where are we going?" 

"Oh, I have new toys and illegal mods to buy. There's a very large, extremely impressive rocket system for the Normandy I want to look into, too. The Council isn't approving it for their ships yet, but this cannon could make a difference when we're facing a Reaper." 

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say 'illegal mods,' but I'm on board with the rest of it." Garrus shoots me a playful look, and I roll my eyes at him. "Oh, come on, Officer. One of us has to act like we're going to behave." 

"Fair enough," he laughs. 

"I'm always up for charging more to the Illusive Man's account, though!" Any opportunity to shove a boot in that guy's creepy ass is more than welcome. 

Garrus shakes his head, stopping me in front of a shop that looks like the sort of place where you can buy illegal weapons mods. A Batarian growls at us, and someone behind me mutters a racist slur; I swallow down the urge to take my hand back from Garrus by leaning into him instead. 

"The cannon is definitely going on the Cerberus chit, but the mods are for me." He gives me a wicked grin and announces, "Apparently, Cerberus was going to offer me a pretty nice sum for joining the crew. Even though I chose to join without knowing that, they decided I still should get the credits." 

"And now they're burning a hole straight through your pocket," I laugh. "Got it. Spend away, big guy." 

I'm rewarded with a quick nip on the jaw, the closest thing to a kiss he can approximate, and about a thousand times even more appreciated because he makes an effort. I'm also treated to Garrus on a shopping spree and in geek mode, something I've always enjoyed. He throws in just enough weapons to keep me entertained for the day as well. And spends enough to call it a splurge without venturing into the range of reckless. 

He also put in a request for a cannon that sounds entirely badass and should be costly enough to make Miranda's head spin. I'm just petty enough to be sure I'll enjoy the two of them fighting. 

Back on the ship, most of the crew is still milling around but preparing for their evening. I want to bring the new equipment to engineering and then do rounds before anyone leaves. Garrus stops me at the elevator. "I need a little while on my own if that's okay. I'm feeling kind of drained." 

"Of course, it's okay." I step closer and reach up to touch his cheek. "Are you alright?"

My gut feels tight just at the thought of Garrus struggling, especially when I don't know if this is physical or emotional or both. He's taken a rocket and had a plague recently, plus he's just started to reconnect with his family after two years. And I still don't know what his sister told him this morning. The day was fairly stressful, as well. I can't blame him for needing some downtime. 

He smiles, though, and squeezes my other hand. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just..." 

"Need a break. I get it. Go." Instead of letting him, I tug his hand a little. "Do you mind if we stay in tonight, even if the crew goes out? A break sounds nice." 

This smile is much bigger. "That sounds perfect. Especially since we have a deal to make good on tonight." 

"We do," I agree, my face flushing for the umpteenth time. God, he makes me feel like a teenager; I love it. It's not enough to distract me entirely, though. Not with everything going on. "And you promised we could talk." 

"Ah...yeah." His entire face falls, that dark shadow passing behind his eyes again. It's the most painful thing in the world to watch, knowing that he's heartbroken and I can't reach him. "I really need that break," he whispers. 

Before I can react, Garrus steps forward to bump his forehead against mine and then tucks a curl behind my ear, tugging the lobe gently. He offers a gentle wink and then turns away, likely going to collect his packages and then to his hiding spot in the Main Battery. I'll give him the space he needs for now but...

I have to find a way to reach him.


	15. Pushing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING**: suicide mention & ideation

_Devon is cold, his body stiff. I can smell the red sand, that sweet burnt smell on his breath and his clothes and hair. It's always in his hair, even when he's not high. Even if he's not using, I can smell the sand combined with his natural scent, that soft vanilla and baby powder that fits nothing about him except how much he likes to cuddle._

_There's a new smell now, too. Something sour and painful and...rotten._

_Devon smells like death._

_His body starts to disintegrate, fading into ash right in my arms. I can't stop it but...I don't try. I can't even feel anything. I just...watch._

_And that repeats with every single one of my team members, all of them dying and falling apart until I'm left holding nothing. All I can feel is the numbness, that icy hollow threatening to swallow me whole._

_Until the last body. Red hair that looks more beautiful sprawled across white pillows than any sunset or star in the galaxy, perfect and soft skin, full lips. But I can't see her eyes. Her eyes are closed, and being robbed of those gems makes my heart threaten to stall in my chest._

_The walls around my heart, my emotions, my fears, crumble and everything explodes. The pain in my chest is sharp enough to take my breath away, the taste of blood floods my mouth, and fear makes me gag._

_She's gone. I've lost her again, showed up too late exactly the way I did with my crew. And she's gone because of me because I failed her. Exactly the way I did with my crew._

_I've lost them all. I killed them all._

_A glint of silver catches my eye, and the moment I glance at the pistol, it's all I can see. Shepard's Christmas present, my escape plan. I only realize I've put it in my mouth when the metallic taste hits me, and in that instant, peace overcomes me. This is it._

The bang feels so real, so loud that it echoes in my brain, and I startle back into reality. That sudden shift makes my heart stop, my lungs scream for air for the nanosecond I can't breathe...and the hand on my back relaxes all of it instantly. Relief floods me. I know that hand. 

"Hey, big guy, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you." 

I blink, trying to reorient, and realize that I'm laying on my stomach with a pillow propped up under me to support my carapace. In Shepard's bed. Right. I came up here after we got back from Omega, threw myself onto Shepard's bed, and passed out. For...two hours, according to my Omni-Tool. Spirits. 

Shepard's hand moves away when I push up onto my forearms and then roll over, sitting up and rubbing my face. "Are you okay?"

"Of course," I answer reflexively. "I was more tired than I thought, I guess." 

"No." She sits on the bed in front of me, pulling her legs up underneath her. "You were having a nightmare." 

"Just a dream," I lie, immediately hating myself for lying to her. The look on her face makes me hate it even more. She knows I'm lying, and she's not happy about it. "Shepard... it's not a big deal." 

"I believe you. But maybe talking about it - or talking about anything - would help." 

For fear of lashing out at her, I look away. And even then, shame overcomes me. I don't want to hide things from her, but I really don't want to talk about it. And I don't want to be angry at her for giving a shit about me. 

"Garrus, it's obvious that something is weighing on you." 

"It's fine. We don't need to talk about any of it." 

"You told me we would talk tonight." 

"I...don't know what you want me to say." Another lie, and Shepard gets pissed about this one. She moves to get up from the bed and I don't stop her, trying not to make things even worse. "Shepard..." 

She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you shutting me out because you still don't believe I'm going to stay or because you don't think I can understand?"

"I know you couldn't understand." It comes out like word vomit, a flare of rage in my chest shoving it out. And now that it's out, it feels impossible to stop. "And no, I don't think you're going to stay. Especially not if you know everything." 

I brace myself for Shepard to yell, to storm around, and maybe to walk out of here. Instead, her arms fall, and Shepard just...stares at me. This is worse. 

"Say something," I snap at her. 

"What do you want me to say? What could I say to make you let me in, make you trust me?" 

Yeah. Much, much worse. And still pissing me off. 

Yeah. Much, much worse. 

I shift off the bed, moving to stand in front of her. "You have been back in my life for, what, a couple weeks? After being gone for two years, after leaving me over and over again until you left permanently. If you expect me to just forget all that and be able to move on like the last two years didn't happen, you might as well leave again." 

"I am not leaving you. Ever again," she snaps back, still not raising her voice though. "But if you don't let me in, it won't matter whether or not I leave. We're never going to survive if you keep me out from whatever is eating at you like this." 

"You don't know - " 

"I didn't come back stupid, Garrus. I can see the darkness in you, the pain every time you start to relax at all. I know what that guilt feels like...better than most." 

This time I wince, her past just as painful to me as her own. And it makes me feel like an epic dick for saying she couldn't get it. Shepard has been through hell, much closer to what I've suffered through than anyone else I know. Maybe…

No. 

"I can't," I confess, my throat too tight for the words to get out in more than a whisper. I realize what this is going to do to us. I know that this time if we don't make it, it's my fault. And here I am anyway, screwing up the only thing that makes me happy. 

Happiness isn't what I deserve. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Me, too. I don't know where we go from here." Shepard exhales hard and sits down on the bed. "If you've moved in, you're welcome to stay. If you still have one foot in the Main Battery...you should probably stay down there tonight. Your choice." 

_Fuck._ We should be halfway to bliss by now, I should be falling asleep with a submissive and sated Shepard in my arms. And instead, I'm leaving her quarters, going back down to the Main Battery alone. Alone. 

No. I can't be alone right now, especially not in a room with that pistol. Shepard thinks I've hurt her now, but if I go out that way...

I change the command on the elevator and head for the airlock. I need to feel something other than Shepard's loss all over again. Tonight, I need the pain that only Omega can offer me.

*****  
Morning comes with even more pain. Only now, it's throbbing in my skull and behind my eyelids. Blurry vision, my stomach rolling, and the sandpaper in my mouth and throat become reminders of how I got like this. 

I left the ship, went to Purgatory, and got trashed. At some point, the crew showed up. And then...

Oh, shit. 

There's a reason this bed feels familiar when I know it's not my cot, and it's not Shepard's. My heart pounding with terror, I slide a hand down my body and find not one single stitch of clothing. I'm hungover, naked, and in Aria's bed. 

"Good morning, sunshine!" The deep rumble in Grizz's voice usually vibrates comfortingly through me. This morning it feels like a quake in my brain and I groan, swatting at the air to get him away from me. I'm naked and with both of them; great.

Grizz just laughs, and something hits me in the face. It smells familiar. My shirt. I peek open my eyes and find the rest of my clothes at the foot of the bed, waiting for me. My armor is in a pile near the door. Something tells me that I didn't get out of it that neatly. 

"Your Omni-Tool has gone off about a million times in the last couple of hours." 

"Oh, shit." 

The first messages are from Shepard. She asked where I was, asked if I was okay, and then finally devolved into demanding that I get my ass back to the ship before she has to drag me back. When she stopped, messages from Joker started to come in. Those are much, much worse.

** Shep just found out you left Purgatory with Aria. Where are you?**

**You can't be serious, man. If she tells me to leave Omega without you, I can't refuse the order.**

**Where are you???? She's taking Jacob and Miranda to recruit the thief today.**

**YOU JUST GOT HER BACK YOU GIANT UGLY ASSHOLE. COME FUCKING HOME** 

I want to tear the thing off my wrist and throw it across the room. It's nearly midday; Shepard has at least started her mission without me if she didn't already finish and leave me here. And she knows. She knows that last night I got shit faced at Purgatory, Aria came into the club, and...and the rest of it is blank. But waking up in Aria's bed without any clothes on can't be a good sign. 

"What happened?" My voice is harsh, barely recognizable. Except that I do recognize it from all the other mornings I woke up like this. The hundreds of mornings over the last couple of years.

Grizz sits down on the end of the bed, tossing the rest of my clothes at me, and talks while I start to get dressed. "We spotted you in the club last night. Some of your crew was there, but there was some Asari crawling into your lap so -"

"Someone other than Aria?"

"Aria got you out of there," Grizz counters, his subtones showing his agitation. He might like me a lot, but he won't let me say a single bad word about Aria. He's a good man. "She coaxed you out of the club, and I had to just about carry you back here. You threw up a few times, and then you passed out." 

I look at him, studying his face for any indication that he's lying or hiding something. "That's it? I just passed out?" 

"That's it," he replies, giving me a smirk. "You're naked because your clothes needed to be cleaned. You're welcome for that, by the way." 

"Did you or Aria tell Shepard where I am?" I demand. I motion to my Tool and tell him, "Someone did. She knows I'm here, knows that I slept at Aria's place and knows that we've fucked." I roll out of the bed to yank my pants up and buckle them. I have to grab the wall when a wave of nausea and dizziness strikes me. "She fucking knows." 

"And you're mad at me because you left her to get wasted?" Grizz retorts. He scoffs and stands, kicking my boots toward me. "Aria had shit to deal with this morning, and then she got bored waiting for you to get up. Get the fuck back to your ship, beg your girl for forgiveness, and then come back when she abandons you on Omega."

My heart sinks into my boots, which have barely hit my feet. This time I have to reach out for the wall because my world threatens to shatter, not spin. What have I done?

Shepard was just trying to help. She only wanted to get inside my walls to support me, exactly the same way I've done for her in the past. And instead of even having the courage and good sense to tell her anything or to ask for a little more time, I got pissed off and stormed out. 

I have no idea why. She asked me to stay, still gave me the option to move in with her...and I left. I left, went right back into the bottle, and ended up in another woman's bed. I know better than to think that whether or not something happened between me and Aria is relevant. 

It's tempting to stay here or go somewhere else on this station to hide. It even crosses my mind to get a shuttle to the Citadel and then to Palaven, just so that I don't ever have to face Shepard for this. So that I don't have to face letting her in, telling her what I've done, and answering questions that terrify me. 

But Joker and Grizz are right. She's my girl, and I just got her back. I can't let her go. 

"Thank you," I manage, clearing my throat. "And please thank Aria. For everything you guys did last night." 

Grizz just waves it off. "You've earned a personal favor or two. And maybe we like you." That's almost enough to make me smile. Almost. "Get the hell out of here, Garrus. Happy begging." 

"Blow me, Grizz." I punch his shoulder in thanks on the way past and earn a swat to my ass in return for it. That does make me smile.

First on my agenda is to get the hell off this station and back where I belong. Part of me does think there's a possibility Shepard will have left me, but she promised not to, and I know she wants me to trust her. I know everyone else thinks I should trust her. 

I also know not a single one of them, including Shepard, has been through what I have on this very damn station. 

It's a good sign that the Normandy is still docked, still waiting for me. Or at least still here. Good sign number two is that my scan still gets me onto the ship; no one has removed me from the crew yet. The good signs stop when I step out of the airlock, head down the bridge, and walk into the CIC. Shepard, Miranda, Joker, and Jacob are standing at the edge of the galaxy map deep in conversation. All four of them turn to look at me at the same time, and not one of them looks even marginally happy to see me. 

I don't give a shit what Miranda and Jacob think, but the disappointment on Joker's face sucks. And with Shepard...shit.

She turns away after a moment, which is even more painful than the look. "We're done with what we came to do on Omega. Joker, have EDI record a roll call and then get us out of here. We're heading for Zorya. Miranda, get the Illusive Man to call back in about the Thanix." Both of them nod and head away.

"You okay?" I hear Jacob mutter softly to her. 

"Yeah. Check in on Kasumi, please, make sure she's settled onboard." 

Jacob nods to her and then heads off, sparing a moment to nod to me as well. It's approval just for coming back onto the ship, I know. It's more than I deserve; I never should have left last night. The sharp pounding in my head and the way my stomach is twisting are signs the universe is punishing me. 

"Vakarian." Shepard's voice isn't hard, it's official. She's speaking to me as my Commander. And I'm a soldier. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Shore leave ended six hours ago. You will complete one day of latrine duty for each hour that you were late. Understand?" 

I'm getting off easy, and we both know it. If I were anyone else, she'd tell me not to bother coming back if I'm late ever again. She still doesn't want me to go. She still isn't telling me to leave. I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a sign that she's as pathetic about us as I am. 

"Yes, ma'am. It won't happen again." 

She still isn't looking at me, but I watch her shoulders fall at that. She doesn't believe me, because she's not talking about me being off the ship or about me going out and getting hammered or even about sleeping at some other woman's home. She doesn't believe that this fight - me shutting her out and refusing to talk to her about Omega - won't happen again. And neither do I. 

"The Illusive Man wants to talk to you about the Thanix cannon you recommended for the ship before he approves the purchase and install," she continues. "He's going to call, and EDI will connect him directly to you. Gabby, Donnelly, and EDI have all vouched for the equipment, so I've already approved. I want it; convince him." 

"Will do, Commander." 

Shepard nods and then walks away. She heads for the elevator without even looking at me, without saying anything that wasn't related to business. She's miles away from me on the same little ship, and it's all my fault. 

I close my eyes against the new pain in my chest, but the room spins and I have to reach for the wall to catch myself. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop the new and violent wave of nausea, acid creeping into my throat and threatening to eject all over the floor. 

"Vakarian." 

I startle and turn, the spinning getting so fast that I fall against the wall. "Sorry," I manage, my voice breathy because I'm afraid to say too much for fear I'll vomit right here. 

"We'll be on Zorya in three days. You're scheduled on the ground team," Shepard says. I don't know if I should be grateful she isn't calling out my condition or concerned that she seems so aloof. "Get to the Med Bay and have Chakwas get you back on your feet." This time she doesn't let me confirm before spinning away and leaving for real this time. 

I take another moment to get myself stable and to make sure Shepard is no longer on the elevator, and then I get on board. Mess Hall is full, the crew standing around and most likely talking about me since they quiet when I come into view. I would roll my eyes if I didn't think the pain would kill me. 

"Wow, you look like hell," Matthews informs me with a broad grin. He's enjoying my pain; at least someone is. 

"Thanks. Trying for a more human style these days." Getting shitfaced on cheap liquor in an effort to kill yourself slowly and painfully certainly isn't Turian. Any number of things I've done in the last two years could get me stripped of my hierarchy rank, disowned by my family, and refused the chance to live or be buried on Palaven. And they could all cost me Shepard if she knew. 

I'm willing to obey her orders, though, and I head for Med Bay. Okay, it's partially her orders and partially because I'm in hellish pain that needs to stop. The bright lights in Med Bay don't help. 

"Wow," Chakwas breathes, sitting in her chair and already facing me. "Joker told me that you looked awful, but I wasn't prepared for this. EDI, please lower the lights in Med Bay." 

There's an instantaneous relief in my skull and eyes when the lights dim, and I manage to catch my breath. "Thank you." 

"I haven't decided yet whether or not you deserve torture for scaring all of us, so don't thank me yet. Pick a bed." I choose the one furthest from the door, hoping it will offer me some privacy. Chakwas continues to be kind to me and shutters the windows before she comes back to me, carrying a bag full of yellow fluid and an IV tube. She also tosses a pill bottle at me. "Take two of those. I'm going to set you up with IV fluids loaded with...well, everything that alcohol strips you of. Couple hours, you'll be back to normal." 

"Thank you." I dry swallow the pills and offer her my arm, laying back on the bed with a pillow folded so my neck doesn't also get fucked up. I stare up at the ceiling, wondering if a couple hours to get back on my feet will be enough to figure out how to talk to Shepard. Or if I even should. 

"Garrus." Chakwas sounds soft, even hesitant, and it pulls me out of the thought. She looks me right in the eye, takes a breath, and asks, "Should I run an STD panel on you?" 

A laugh escapes me but cuts short when pain surges like my brain is slamming around against my skull. "No. Not unless you're worried that Shepard gave me something. I haven't had sex with anyone else since I got here, and you tested me when I first got onto the ship." 

"At your request," she reminds me. "You were reckless with your life the last time you were on Omega, and it doesn't seem like you made better decisions this time around. Do you need help?" She squeezes my hand. "Will you let someone help you?"

"I'm fine, Doc. Really. I appreciate it, but..." I shake my head and trail off, unsure of how else I can blow people off. Especially someone who has done nothing but literally care for me. And put my face back together. "I'm not ready to talk. I don't honestly know if I ever will be, or if I actually need to. I've been dealing for this long, I can keep going. I just...need people to stop asking." 

Chakwas gives a sigh I recognize as disappointed but offers a smile and nod, patting my hand before she turns away and goes back to her desk. Leaving me alone like I asked. Leaving me lonely again. Just like I asked. 

It's better this way. I've dealt long enough. I failed Shepard, failed on Omega, even failed at dying. It's better for me to just keep my head down and do my job. It's better if no one else gets sucked into this bullshit with me. 

And even as I think it, I know I'll fail at that too. I can't exist without Shepard, and not just in my life but as my life. 

So I either have to figure out how to talk to her...or how to say goodbye. 

*****

EDI keeps giving me up on where Garrus is around the ship and what he's doing for the next two days. I haven't asked her to; it's not like I think he could leave considering we are in space. Of course, I didn't really think he would leave when we were on Omega, either. The guy tried to die by mercenary war; it doesn't seem that far out of the realm of possibility that he'd airlock himself. I don't ask EDI to stop with the updates. 

I wish I could ask Garrus to come to bed, though. He didn't last night. EDI said that he slept in the Main Battery. He hasn't really left the room since being released from Med Bay two days ago. Apparently, the installation and calibration of this new cannon is going to take a ton of work; EDI says that Garrus is also improving existing ship systems. I guess leaving him alone to think only with the head on top of his shoulders is good for everyone. 

But now I'm staring at my empty bed for a second night, wondering if I'll be able to sleep without him ever again. I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to sleep with him again, too. That thought hurts enough to make me want to cave, to go down there and tell him that it doesn't matter if he never talks, I just want him back. 

I can't watch the darkness eat him alive, though. I love him too much. 

"Commander, Yeoman Chambers just left the Main Battery." I close my eyes. I don't need to read the AI's tone to know that it didn't go well. 

I knew it wouldn't go well the moment I asked Kelly to try and talk to him. I knew I was throwing him to the wolves, and I knew Garrus wouldn't like it. But it was a last-ditch effort, a plea for him to take some help. 

"And Garrus is on his way up here in the elevator," EDI adds, her tone definitely ominous now. 

I'm about to get yelled at. 

Immediately, my brain goes into defense mode. Instinct tells me to find a way to disarm him before the fight even starts. Nudity would probably be the most effective, considering my enemy, but...I can't do that. I'm asking Garrus to be genuine and honest with me; he at least deserves the same in return. 

I move to the couch instead of the bed, sit down, and brace myself. Then I get back up, head for the bar, and grab a very expensive bottle of whiskey with two glasses. The doors open without a chime - Garrus using his code - and then he's standing there. And God, he is beautiful; framed by the light in the hallway, he looks like the angel I've always known him to be. 

The distance between us feels more like miles than a few feet. I can't touch him. I can't cave in, not this time. 

"How could you do that to me?" he demands, stepping only far enough into the room to let the doors shut behind him. In the dark of the entryway with only the dim blue glow of the fish tank, he looks deadly. The archangel he's become. 

"I'm just trying to help. I'm...grasping at straws now." 

"So you sent a fucking shrink to me?" He spits out her profession like it's dirty. "You thought I'd want to tell a stranger, a goddamn child, my deepest darkest secrets when it tears at my fucking soul to think about telling them to you? I can't talk to my best friend, the woman I love because it hurts too damn much, and you thought Chambers would be better?"

He's yelling by the time he's done, and I don't realize I'm crying until the tears drip from my chin. "I just want to help you. I need to." 

"You can't help me!" he screams, swiping everything off my desk in one move and shattering the new ship model I had there. This is Garrus enraged, and it's terrifying. But I'm not scared of him; I'm scared for him. 

I put down the bottle and the glasses, and I wipe my cheeks to try and calm myself. Garrus may be a Turian and used to using violence to solve differences - we've done it before - but he won't come at me first. Even pissed, he won't hurt me. 

"You need someone to help you, Garrus. And I'm your best friend. I just -" 

Garrus rips out a growl and steps forward, gripping the wall like he needs it to physically restrain himself. The sound makes the words die in my chest. "I do not need help. I survived for two years after..." His voice breaks, emotion making it thick. "After you broke my heart and abandoned me. I don't need your help because you're the reason I'm like this in the first place." 

I have to turn away from him, the pain in my chest so severe that it's like he's shot me in the chest. The air leaves my lungs, suffocating me for a moment. And the moment is enough for the panic to return. 

"Shit." 

I can feel Garrus approaching before I hear him, but his hand touches my shoulder before I can spin. I swat his hand off of me and back away. "Don't touch me. Is that what this whole thing is? You're punishing me in some sick fucking way?" 

"No, I'm not. It's not about you." 

"And I should just know that?" I scream back at him, wishing I had something to throw...or the energy to throw it. "You just said that I did this to you. I've put this darkness I can see inside you, the pain I can see eating you. So what the fuck are you still doing here?" 

Garrus steps closer and roars, "I cannot leave you. I'm too fucking pathetic, and I love you too damn much. I won't survive you, Shepard, but I can't keep you, and your fucking ship shrink won't help with that." 

"What will?"

"I don't know!" 

We both fall silent, standing there stewing in our mutual rage and glaring at one another. I want to touch him, I need him to touch me, and I can see his hands flexing with the same desperate need. But neither of us moves. Sex won't fix this. 

"You can keep me. You will," I tell him, forcing my breaths to slow and my voice to calm. "I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not letting you leave me either. So you have no choice but to survive." 

Garrus winces and looks away. And he doesn't have to say anything else. I can see it on his face. He hasn't decided that he wants to survive yet. 

This time I reach for him, but Garrus steps back, the hardness back in his eyes so that they're blue steel. Cold instead of fire. 

"Tell your shrink to stay away from me," he whispers, a growl rumbling deep in his throat. He turns around and starts walking toward the door, not sparing me another glance. But I'm not strong enough to let him go yet. 

"Do I have to stay away, too?"

Garrus freezes, close enough to escaping that the doors are open. There's a long pause, and then I can barely hear his answer. "You should."   
And then he's gone. 

I get my answer when I can't sleep without him. Not a wink. In the morning, I can't even get a protein bar and black coffee down. EDI has stopped telling me where he is, and I don't know if he told her to. I don't see him to ask. 

It actually surprises me when Garrus shows up at the airlock, armored and ready to go for the personal favor Zaeed was offered. Zaeed is different with Garrus now, evidently learning from someone on the crew who Garrus was. It unnerves me that the grizzled mercenary sees a kindred spirit in Garrus; it terrifies me that I can see it, too. 

I get on the shuttle first and sit down. Garrus sits next to me. There's a moment where my heart shudders, and I wonder if there's hope for me. For us. Because he wants to be close to me. It lasts long enough that I consider reaching for him. 

And then Zaeed throws himself into a seat across from me. Leering at me. Garrus is next to me because he's still territorial, not because he wants me. 

I wish I was strong enough to reject that. But I'll take whatever I can get from him. Three days missing him, and I feel empty. Hollow. Broken. 

But I'm Commander Shepard, and we have work to do. 

"I understand the Illusive Man promised that we'd get this done for you," I tell Zaeed, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees. I have to ground myself somehow. "But we need to be clear that this is my team, my mission. You answer to me today, and I'll make the final calls. If that's going to be an issue, tell me now, and we'll turn the shuttle around. If you make it an issue down there, the shuttle leaves without you. Are we clear?" 

Zaeed smirks like he's cocky or not taking me seriously. But his eyes harden, and he narrows them at me. He wants to challenge me.   
I've worked with his type before, the hyper-macho guy who doesn't want to feel subordinate to anyone but especially not a woman. I never had any tolerance for them, but especially not now and not with this guy. Not with a guy who has no honor. 

"Whatever you say, Commander." 

Challenge issued, as far as he concerned. I almost hope he pushes me today. If I abandon him for mouthing off, I'll get to prove to Zaeed, the Illusive Man, Miranda, Cerberus, the Council, and the Alliance that I will make whatever calls I want and I don't need to give a shit about their opinions. I am in charge, and they have to deal with that if they want me. And they all want me. 

If Zaeed needs to learn that lesson the hard way, I'll make that happen for him. 

"And what's your role on these missions?" Zaeed asks Garrus, cocking his head at him. "Sniper? Bodyguard? Or are you boyfriend on the ground, too?" Garrus shifts in his seat, not answering. "You're not in charge here, but you were on Omega. Or maybe you are in charge...just not on missions." 

"Yes, he pulls all the strings," I snap. "You're not doing yourself any favors here." 

Zaeed just chuckles, and I look away, hoping it seems like I'm annoyed with him instead of nauseous. How do you navigate finding out if someone is still your boyfriend when they won't talk to you, told you that you're the reason they're dying inside, and won't let you in? 

How do I figure out if I'm still his girl?

"We're approaching," the shuttle pilot calls back. We need Zaeed to give us a landing zone, so he gets up and heads into the cockpit. His absence doesn't relieve any of the tension. 

I sit back again, trying to take a breath and wondering if I should just move. He probably wants distance from me. Garrus sighs heavily from beside me and pulls up a command on his Omni-Tool. An instant later, I hear the telltale gasp of someone who has just been hit with a round of stims. 

I glance at him but pull my gaze away before actually seeing him and ask, "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. Didn't get much sleep." I hate myself a little for being relieved by that; he can't sleep without me either. Or the cot in the Main Battery is extremely uncomfortable. 

"Me neither." And not just because the couch in my quarters isn't all that comfortable. "I miss you." 

There's silence for a beat. So still I'm not sure he's breathing. And then Garrus whispers my name, my first name, like it hurts. I've caused him so much pain. 

"Tell me where we go from here, and I'll follow." I turn toward him to find him already looking at me, his expression guarded and his mandibles pulled tight. I don't care. I have to say this. "I can make anything work, Garrus. But I don't want to quit on this again. I know from experience that would be a mistake." 

Garrus opens his mouth to say something, but then his eyes dart above me, and he closes it again, silenced by Zaeed returning. He announces we'll be landing in a moment, our conversation cut short by the mission. Or maybe the mission is just delaying the inevitable pain. But I said what I had to. Cards on the table this time around; I belong with Garrus, and I'll do whatever it takes. 

*****

Two years ago, I would have given my left arm to have Shepard be this open with me. She's honest, and she's vulnerable, and she's saying everything I've been so desperate to hear and never let myself imagine. I should be thrilled. 

But now she's saying these things to try and get me to talk to her about Omega, about the nightmares, about what keeps me up and keeps me down. She mentioned the darkness inside me, and I nearly panicked; I had no idea someone else could see it. Of course, Shepard would see; no one knows me better. 

The problem is that this new and open Shepard wants to talk about it. She wants me to be as open with her as I used to, as open as I always pushed her to be. Only now I'm a fucking wreck, and letting her in would be a disaster. 

I'm almost grateful we have to deal with Zaeed's bullshit, so I can get a distraction. How the hell am I supposed to deal with Shepard putting this particular ball in my court? She basically told me that she'll suffer if I ask her to, and I remember being in that position. I can't do that to her. 

And now I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. Can't just fuck my way out of this one. 

I let the shuttle landing pull my mind back to the moment. Zorya is heavily vegetated, and the refinery itself rises above the tree lines with mountains in the background. EDI told us there's a river that wraps around as well. It seems kind of ironic, something as climate cursing and dirty as a refinery existing in such a natural environment. 

It's not going to make moving to the actual refinery any fun. At least Shepard was able to devise a route with EDI that takes us in through the back and to the southern entrance. If we were marching to the front door, it wouldn't be pretty. Considering this is the Blue Suns, it's not going to be pretty anyway. 

Zaeed jumps out of the shuttle the moment the thing is one the ground. I let Shepard go next, and then I follow with my rifle in my hands. Shepard glances at it but chooses not to make a comment; I'd rather be safe than sorry, and she can think of it whatever she'd like. 

The stack of the refinery, marking our entrance, is visible from here. Zaeed's aggravation while staring at the thing is probably still visible from the Normandy. 

"I would have the shuttle get back into orbit," I offer to Shepard, trying my best not to cross a line without letting anything bad happen either. "If the Suns are around and get to it..." 

Shepard nods. "Good call." She gives the command for the shuttle to take off, leaving us on the ground and on our own for now. 

"I'm tapping into Blue Suns communications," Zaeed tells us, plugging a code into his Omni-Tool. It's a code that I gave him, one we hacked from Omega; Shepard doesn't need to know that. At the moment, I have no idea what's going to make me look worse. Or if that's even possible. 

"Let's stay tight and look out for ambushes," Shepard warns, motioning toward the worn path through the trees that we're supposed to take. She pulls her weapon as well before we start moving. 

The road we're following is large enough for tanks like the Mako - I try not to get sidetracked by thoughts about the backseat of the Mako - but it doesn't look too heavily traveled. That tells me that the refinery workers and the Blue Suns don't come and go too often...which tells me they're going to be hunkered down in here. 

"How come the prettiest planets get used for the worst shit?" Shepard muses. 

"I'll never be able to see a beach without seeing Virmire in my mind," I agree. 

Shepard gives me a knowing smirk. "Thinking about going to beaches now, are you? I thought that wasn't a Turian thing." 

"Neither is drooling over humans in bikinis, but we've established I'm a terrible Turian." 

Shepard laughs, hard and easy, easing some of the tension from our fight. It helps a little too that she's not screaming at me about being with Aria overnight and instead telling jokes. It only eases some of that, though. We need to talk, and I hate talking now. 

"You wanna drag him behind a tree and suck him off, or what?" Zaeed gruffs. 

"You're not gonna wanna talk to her like that," I inform him. Zaeed glances at me and then Shepard, expecting her to say something I'm sure. Shepard can handle herself, but something like that affects us; she left me once because of people making those comments, and I won't stand for it now. 

Shepard gives me a nod and then meets Zaeed's gaze. "Keep it up, and you'll get left here, Zaeed. Please test me." 

She then flashes him a stunning and dangerous smile before continuing to lead the mission, paying no mind to his bullshit. Damn, she is sexy. 

We don't get far before encountering our first dead bodies. These are civilians, and as far as I can tell, they are and were unarmed. They aren't even wearing holsters. 

"Shot in the back and left to rot," Zaeed notes, shakes his head as if he's capable of feeling sorrow for them or for anyone. "That's definitely Vido's style." 

"That's Blue Suns style," I counter. "You keep separating them like Vido is a problem but not the operation." 

"Vido is a problem," he retorts.

"And so is the operation." 

Zaeed just blinks at me and then turns away, continuing down the path. He evidently isn't going to agree, and he's too big a coward to argue with me. I look to Shepard, hoping she'll intervene. I can see the concern on her face as she watches Zaeed walk away, and the extra glance at the dead bodies is a good sign, but she says nothing. I take a breath to combat the flare of anger in my chest. I need to trust that she won't bring us around to working with the Blue Suns. She knows my feelings, she cares about my feelings. 

"Hey." I look up at Shepard's voice, calling me from where she stopped a couple feet away. "I'm on your six, too, Garrus." 

Relief hits me hard enough to knock the wind out of me. She's not going to betray me or let me down. 

I give her a nod and catch up, ensuring that she knows I have her back as well. It gives me hope we'll get through. It also makes me feel like an ass for not trusting her. Fuck. 

A shudder in the leaves nearby draws our attention and the scope of my rifle, but I'm grateful I don't shoot when an animal comes rushing out. It hesitates just long enough to scream at me and then continues on, climbing a tree on the other side with impressive agility. 

"Oh, my God, I didn't know there were monkeys here!" Shepard chirps from beside me, her voice genuinely gleeful. There's an innocent joy on her face that makes my heart skip. "You know, we evolved from something like that. Humans, I mean." 

"Really?" I look up to where the furry creature with big ears, a long tail, and bug eyes is staring down at us.. The thing then grabs that long tail, lifts it up, and starts licking its own ass. "Yeah, I don't have trouble believing that's what your people evolved from." 

Shepard laughs but shoves my shoulder, hard enough to make me stumble though I might milk it a little. "Screw you! They happen to be very intelligent." 

"Ah, so you evolved backward, did you?" 

"Ha ha ha, you're so funny. Turians clearly did not evolve from anything with a sense of humor or empathy," she quips. She frowns a bit and looks me over briefly. "What did you evolve from?"

I just shrug. "I don't really know. It's not something we talk about. Turians don't focus much on things like that." 

"You don't talk about your history?"

"Military history, sure," I answer with another shrug. "Kids learn about the Unification Wars and all the uprising from the colonies. We talk about the Spirits a bit, but mostly related to how we can earn rejoining Palaven through service." 

Shepard makes a thoughtful little sound. "Humans still talk about all sorts of history. Even on the colonies, we learn about Earth history going back millennia. We can still go back centuries with available movies, books, music, and art, too." 

"Centuries, really?" She nods and I can't help but be impressed. It's a novel idea for me. "That's...kind of cool, actually. Turians don't have much culture or history outside of the military." 

"There's merit to that, I think. You don't get stuck in the past." 

"Maybe. But if we collected history and art, more Turians might actually create art. If you don't serve, there isn't a lot of place for you in Turian society - especially on Palaven." 

"Good point. You're also almost always at the forefront of technological innovation, though. Especially in the military." Shepard gives me a playful look. "Don't tell Cerberus or the Alliance that I said this, but the rest of the galaxy would be screwed a dozen times over without Turian military might and innovation." 

I laugh at that and roll my eyes at her conspiratorial whisper. She flashes a grin, and we continue down the path, the mood between us a total 180 from where it was an hour ago. 

"I really thought you'd hate me once you found out where I spent that night, Shepard," I confess, keeping my voice down a little now. Zaeed can hear whatever he wants about human and Turian evolution, but he doesn't need to know shit about my personal life. 

Shepard hesitates for just a moment, and my visor picks up the increase in the blood pressure. "Do I have reason to hate you, Garrus?" The words come out almost a whisper, her voice tight and right on the verge of breaking. 

I stop and catch her arm, tugging her to stop as well, but Shepard doesn't turn until I say, "Look at me." I can see the fear in those bright green eyes and it pains me. "You might have reason to hate me, but anything that happened after I left the Normandy isn't on the list. I shouldn't have gone but nothing happened." I squeeze her hand and insist, "Nothing ever well. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make me unfaithful to you. I need you to know that." 

"I do know it," she says, squeezing my hand back now. "I was worried about you, but even once I knew where you went...I wasn't that worried. That's a really nice feeling." 

"Well, then I've done one thing right." She smirks at that and then motions for me to come along. I don't hesitate, and we quickly rejoin Zaeed where he is waiting further up the road. 

I see why he didn't continue alone when I realize that the road funnels between two high walls of sheer rock. It's a Spirits damned killing ground; if there are Blue Suns watching from up top, we're fucked. And if Zaeed has set us up, this is a great place for an ambush. 

We move through cautiously but steadily. I keep my eyes above Shepard as much as possible, prepared to intervene if I see any threat coming her way. With the size of the valley, if a rocket comes down here, it's going to be hard for any of us to get away without severe damage, at least. And I don't have a lot of space left on my face for rocket damage. 

"Command to Bravo," an unfamiliar voice calls over the comm channel Zaeed hacked into. "Take a position. Likely these people are not runaways." 

They know we're here; that sucks. But they aren't already in position, and that's a good sign at the moment. 

Toward the end of the valley, we all start to breathe a little easier and feel like the ambush isn't coming. I can see both of their heartbeats steadying on my visor, and feel my own relaxing. "You know, part of me thought you might be ambushing us here, Zaeed," Shepard admits, parroting my own thoughts without realizing it. 

"I approve of your skepticism," Zaeed grumbles, even managing a smile at her. "At least you didn't have the Turian shoot me." 

"Yet," I chime in. "But she'll shoot you herself before you see it coming." 

They both laugh at that even while we're all doing our best to keep quiet now. And with good reason, according to the new alert on my visor. 

"We have company just outside this valley. Not close enough to corner us yet." 

Shepard nods at my warning and signals for us to move at double time, and we get out of the valley, almost to cover behind a massive pipe before the Blue Suns catch sight and start firing on us. We get down, Zaeed taking more distance from his team members than he should rationally, and Shepard clears us to return fire. 

"Report to base!" a Blue Suns dispatcher calls over the comms. "Armed intruders at the southern checkpoint." 

"Well, this is further than missions with you usually get before going sideways," I tease Shepard, shifting so that I can stabilize my rifle on the pipe and fire more rapidly. Shepard shifts as well...closer to me. 

"Cute, Vakarian. You're asking for today to be the day I get you back for that concussive shot on Omega," she replies, firing from beside me. It feels even better to laugh with her than it does to shoot more Blue Suns - always an opportunity I revel in. 

We push forward. Or at least Shepard and I do, methodically and logically, while supporting one another. Zaeed is on our side and very much not on our team, all at the same time. I ignore him, focusing on my shots and on keeping Shepard safe. And it's a good thing I'm focused when I manage to nail the guy with the rocket launcher before he has a chance to threaten her with it. 

"Nice shot," she mutters, making a few great shots of her own. 

"They all are, baby," I tease, keeping the mood between us light for as long as I can. Shepard's laugh signals that mission at least is going well. 

The Blue Suns aren't finished yet, though. "Reinforcements incoming! We got your backs." 

We move under a platform that leads into an administrative area of the building - not our focus. It will allow us to continue on to the southern gate where we plan to make entry, though. Several Blue Suns Troopers, FENRIS mechs, Heavies with rocket launchers, and pyros are standing in our way. 

As we push through them, the mood on the comms dispatch changes. "All squads fall back!" 

"Hey, maybe that means things are right side up again," Shepard teases. 

"With you around? Let's not get our hopes up." She laughs and finds a moment to kick a rock at me before laying out a Turian on the Blue Suns squad. I finish the last of the pyros, and we're clear for the moment. 

A roaring noise up ahead confuses me until we come into view of a waterfall. It's beautiful, a rainbow sparkling through the mist kicked up, and even the sound is kind of soothing. Shepard makes a soft 'ooh' noise and moves to the railing of the metal platform, looking over the edge. She doesn't seem immediately concerned that there is no way across the river that's thirty feet below us. It would annoy me if I didn't adore her. And if there wasn't a console I can easily hack. 

"Great," Zaeed grumbles from behind us, wandering to the other end of the platform with his boots clanking heavily. "Now, we can be sweaty, wet, and shot at." 

"My favorite combination." Shepard snorts a laugh and shoots me a look that might be scolding if she weren't smirking. 

She goes right back to watching the water flow as I pull up the console controls. The sunlight reflecting off the waterfall gives her a glow, and my heart thumps. She's a thousand times more beautiful than any natural phenomena. 

"I remember you love beaches," I note. I also remember rubbing one out to thoughts of her in a bikini a few times, but that doesn't seem important to mention right now. "Do you feel the same way about waterfalls?"

"Absolutely. Waterfalls, beaches, lakes, rivers...any body of water or water feature." 

"And yet you scowl violently at the fish tank in your quarters?"

Shepard throws her head back on a laugh, the sound washing over me warmly. "I like water features, but I hate waste. And that seems like a waste." 

I give her a look. "We both know that if that was open space, you'd fill it with model ships. Those aren't a waste?"

"Of course, they aren't! How dare you?" She's laughing even while she speaks, winking at me. "You're probably dreading future vacation with me now, huh?"

"Shepard...I dread absolutely nothing about our future." And now I can't look at her at all, my throat heating with a blush when I can feel her eyes on me. I wonder if I'll ever not feel vulnerable when I say those things, if that usually fades for people over time. We've had next to no time; maybe I have that to look forward to. 

"This is Commander Santiago," Vido announces through the comms, his tone agitated but haughty. It's good timing since I've got the bridge ready to go so we can continue through to the gatehouse. "If any of you retreat while the intruders are still alive, I'll kill you myself. Now get the hell back out there." 

"Excellent leadership," I mutter, waiting for Shepard to give the go on the bridge. 

Zaeed huffs. "Vido. Sounds like he hasn't changed." 

Shepard cocks her head at him and narrows her eyes. If you know Shepard, you know immediately that she's about to work you into a corner when she looks at you like that. Zaeed hasn't been around long enough to know. 

"You have more of a past with this Vido than you let on." It's not a question. 

"I knew he was a sadistic bastard back when we started the Blue Suns. The Suns only got meaner after he staged his little coup twenty years ago." Zaeed practically snarls and I'm working on controlling my own growl. "So, yeah. We have a past." 

"Why didn't anyone tell me you founded the Blue Suns?"

I ignore Shepard's question and step closer to Zaeed. "Why didn't you tell me that you were not just a Blue Sun but that you founded them? You didn't think that was pertinent information when I was allowing you near my team while we had ops against the Blue Suns?"

"It's not common knowledge," he rips out, glowering at me with some fucking nerve. 

"It damn well should have been." I don't realize that I snapped it until Shepard's hand lands on my arm, more restraint than warning. I manage a breath and turn away, trying to keep my cool. 

I've been concerned about having a Blue Sun on the squad, and now I find out that the asshole who started them has been sleeping on the same ship. He was alone in a room with Shepard yesterday - the guy who started the gang that nearly killed Devon and whose Omega leader shot me in the face. 

I can feel rage coursing hot and heavy through my veins, and I'm no longer able to keep the growl in my chest at bay. This asshole lied his way onto Archangel's mission, and he was not upfront with Shepard, which is actually worse. I can feel my finger twitching on my rifle. 

"Vido wiped me out of the records," Zaeed continues, offering a cheap explanation. "He ran the books, I led the men. Worked real well for a while. Then Vido decided to start hiring Batarians. Cheaper labor, he said. Goddamn terrorists, I said." 

"Yeah, it's definitely race that makes your boys drug-dealing murderous assholes," I scoff at him. "You know, I worked with several Batarians who were excellent at destroying your boys. And they weren't liars." 

"Easy," Shepard murmurs, definitely not a reprimand. It's concern, I know. I don't fight it. "Twenty years is a long time to hold a grudge." 

"A grudge?" Zaeed echoes, shouting now. He steps forward, putting himself right in Shepard's face and holding up an accusatory finger in her face. He's lucky I don't tear it off and shove it right up his ass, but I do immediately step between them, shoving him back with just enough restraint that he doesn't go flying over the railing. 

"Watch it, Massani," I growl. 

Zaeed takes a short, angry breath. "Vido turned my men against me. He paid six of them to restrain me while he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. For twenty years, I've seen that bastard every time I close my eyes. Every time I sighted down on a target. Every time I heard a gunshot. Don't you call that a goddamned grudge." 

And right there, the anger boiling inside me is reduced to a simmer. As much as I want to hate him, to strangle him right here and now, I can't help but relate to that. I know what it's like to have a need for vengeance burn. 

"Is this about you trying to get the Blue Suns back under your control?" Shepard asks him, managing to be calm. "Do you have any notion about taking them back, Zaeed? I need to know right now because it's absolutely going to change our working relationship. And by that, I mean, you'll get paid and then get dropped back off on Omega because no fucking way." 

She eases even more of the anger. Shepard has my six, she's on top of making sure we're not going to get caught working with gangs responsible for the death of my friends, my crew, my family on Omega. I might understand what he's going through, but that's not anything like working with him or letting him - or the Suns - near Shepard. She's also more than a little serious, and I can see that register with Zaeed as well. 

"I'm not here to get back the Blue Suns," Zaeed says, calmer now. "I'm here to take Vido Santiago out. If the Suns burn in the wake, so be it." 

Shepard glances back at me, waiting. She wants to know if I buy it, if I'm comfortable with it, and I know it's not just because she knows I can read his bio stats. She doesn't know how well I can relate to a need for revenge, though.

"Fine. We'll believe you for now." Shepard gives him a look and adds, "You survived a gunshot to the head?" 

"Yeah," he laughs. "And you survived your ship getting disintegrated, and this one caught a rocket with his face and survived. A stubborn enough person can survive just about anything. Rage is a hell of an anesthetic." 

Well, he's got one thing right. 

"They're at the southern access," Vido says to his teams. "All squads mass at the gatehouse! Now!" 

They've figured out where we are and where we're going. So much for taking this place by surprise or by storm. The one good thing is that it leaves us with exactly one option: we push on and move forward. 

"Bring it on, you son of a bitch," Zaeed rumbles under his breath, cocking his shotgun. 

We head across the bridge, up a set of metal stairs, and then follow that around the side of what's basically a sheer rock cliff. It leads to a field with some refinery equipment and massive trees. These are gorgeous, too. 

"Squads Charlie, Delta!" another voice barks over the comms. "Mass on the gatehouse!" 

"Shit," Shepard mumbles, reading my mind at this point. It's one thing to push on and another to walk into a no-win situation. The gatehouse is going to be heavily guarded, and obviously, once Vido realizes Zaeed is here, things will only get worse for us. 

"Should we regroup, consider another option?" I ask, checking my ammo supply while we're paused. 

Zaeed scoffs rather rudely at that. "I guess Archangel has been whipped into submission these days. You used to go in guns blazing." 

"I never went in anywhere that was going to endanger my team," I counter, trying to put that leash back on my temper before I show the sadist how to submit. 

"And I don't plan to endanger mine," Shepard chimes in. "But EDI made it pretty clear this was the only option. They can shut us out or funnel us into a trap anywhere else." 

"And this is the best way to access the refinery workers, I remember." I take a breath and nod to her. "On your lead, kid." 

I ignore Zaeed's self-satisfied grunt and the smug little grin to follow Shepard, exactly as I promised. Fortunately, her ass is a great distraction, even when I might be headed to my death. Not a bad way to go if I'm being perfectly honest. So long as Shepard never knows that I just had that thought. 

Distraction or no, I'm not useless, and being on her six doesn't almost mean I have to be behind her. In this case, I make sure I'm ahead of Shepard when the doors into the gatehouse open. If a shot comes, I'll take it. 

The doors open, and there isn't immediate fire. I might consider it a good sign if there weren't three Blue Suns standing on a platform above us and very limited places to take cover in here. One of the men on the platform has no helmet and a cocky smirk on his face when he crosses his arms. I know before he speaks that this is Vido Santiago, leader of the Blue Suns. 

"Zaeed Massani," he practically purrs. "You finally tracked me down." 

"Vido." 

Vido scoffs. "Don't be stupid, Zaeed. I have a whole company of bloodthirsty bastards behind me, ready to kill or be killed on my command." His smile grows, and he spreads his arms. "Actually, take your shot. Give my men a reason to put you down like the mad dog you are." 

In an instant, bullets are flying. It's not until after I get behind a stack of crates with Shepard at my side that I realize Zaeed is the one firing wildly while taking cover at the other side of the gatehouse. "The fuck was that?" Shepard mutters. 

Not a single bullet hit his targets. The shots were almost too bad to be mistakes. Almost like...

"What was that?" Vido laughs. "Gone nearsighted, old friend?"

And that's when I notice where Zaeed's bullets did hit, and the steam escaping from several vents and pipes on the ceiling behind Vido. The shots were too bad to be mistakes. 

"Get down!" I hiss at Shepard, pulling her against me and under my chin. 

"What are - " 

She stops talking and stops resisting when Zaeed growls, "Burn you son of a bitch."

Zaeed takes one more shot, this one perfectly aimed and igniting the only spark this room needs. The explosion shakes the entire building and sends one of the crates crashing down on my back, but if that's the only damage we take, I'm not complaining. I pull back to look at the platform, Vido and the Suns picking themselves up off the floor while flames pour from the ceiling. 

"You just signed your death warrant, Massani!" Vido screams. Then the tough guy turns and runs further into the building, dodging the fire. It would be amusing if the platform didn't get flooded by Blue Suns immediately, all of them firing at us. 

Shepard and I return fire, shooting like we're hiding behind entirely fragile cover that will shatter any moment and expose us. Which is true. Zaeed, however, is not returning fire. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Shepard screams at him. The suicidal asshole is slamming the butt of his rifle against a wheel on a pipe, trying to loosen it. And he succeeds with a bang. 

The pipe breaks open, and explosions break out all over the room. After the first, I abandon shooting and tackle Shepard, covering her body with mine. "Garrus," she whispers, tucking her face into my neck and clutching at my back. 

Bang after bang echoes, each one larger than the last. A dead Blue Sun lands near us, the crates we were hiding behind shatter, and I can feel the heat of flames far closer to my head than I'd like. We can hear explosions echoing through the rest of the building and probably the whole refinery in a chain reaction. 

I don't move until the explosions stop, and Shepard eases her hold on me. There's no one left to shoot us when the smoke clears, only flames absolutely fucking everywhere, and Zaeed staring at us. 

"Opening the gate," he replies to Shepard's question. 

I manage to roll off of Shepard just before she leaps to her feet and rushes Zaeed, shoving him backward and then getting right up in his face. "You set fires all through this place. There's no telling the damage you did. We do not sacrifice lives for the sake of the mission. There's always a better way." 

"Like what?" he retorts. "Wandering out in the jungle for hours, looking for another way in? You want to waste time out here, go ahead. I'm going to kill Vido." 

I could have predicted what would happen next. Actually, I do predict it. And I don't make a move to stop her or hide my smile when Shepard throws her fist right into Zaeed's jaw. His head snaps to the side hard, and he spits blood, but recovers and squares off to her. 

The sight of someone armed, bigger than her, and obviously unstable squaring off to Shepard sets my blood on fire. Every instinct inside me screams to get between them or maybe just shoot Zaeed in the face. I force myself to stay still, though. Shepard can handle him, even if Zaeed starts swinging. She doesn't need me to fight her battles, even if I want to. And I'm right here if things go wrong. 

"You really wanna do this, Shepard?" Zaeed demands. 

"I warned you I was in charge, Zaeed. Do not make me leave you here." Shepard glowers at him even as she tries to take a deep breath. "I ought to knock you the hell out. But thanks to you, we have a burning refinery to save." 

Zaeed throws up his arms. "Let these people burn. Vido dies, whatever the cost." 

I can see the rage in his eyes - or at least the real one - but there's a pain I recognize there, too. Zaeed just had to face the person who uprooted his entire life. The guy who cost him everything. Vido pretended to be his partner, maybe even his friend, and then...

Images of my team dead and bloody flashes through my mind and blind hatred follows. I might question Zaeed's methods, but his motivation is something I can relate to. And something else I'm pretty sure Shepard would hate me for. 

Shepard and Zaeed manage to agree on continuing, for now, the three of pushing further into the burning building. It's a refinery, so flames are even worse than they could be otherwise, and now we're dealing with random explosions rocking the floor and flames occasionally bursting from the pipes and walls. We also now have the Blue Suns to deal with, showing up to try and slow us down. It only serves in getting them shot and making all of us sweat a little more. When we finally escape and get back outside, the breeze cooling us all is a huge relief. If I'm hot and I'm cold-blooded, I know the humans with me are melting. 

We emerge at a bridge over a ravine that will carry us through to the rest of the refinery. Vido is escaping through that building right now. 

We get halfway across the bridge before a new explosion blows a chunk of building onto the bridge, nearly nailing Shepard. She dodges but then stumbles, and I catch her, wrapping my arm around her waist to stabilize her. Her eyes are trained on the edge of the bridge, and I can see the image of herself falling to the ravine below us running through her head. 

"I've got you, Commander," I murmur, squeezing her a little to try and ground her. Fortunately, it works, and Shepard takes a breath before nodding. 

We escape the bridge and head for the door into the building. I need to hack through the console, but before I can, shouting from behind us catches our attention. I turn back, looking at a bridge several levels above us where a human civilian is screaming and waving frantically. 

"Help!" he cries. "We're trapped." 

As if on cue, another explosion blows out the windows of the building that he just came out of. That must be where the workers are. And damn, it's burning badly. 

"We can't get to the gas valves to shut them off. The whole place is going to blow." 

"No time," Zaeed announces, waving him off dismissively. "Vido's probably halfway to the shuttle docks by now." 

Shepard whirls on Zaeed, looking just as shocked as pissed. "You would really just leave these people here?"

"Vido is smart. We stop to help these people, and he'll use the time to get away. And if he gets away, I'm blaming you." 

My stomach knots and something that is either guilt or self-hatred or both hits me hard. Zaeed is right. If Shepard weren't here...

She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand what the need for revenge like this feels like, the way it eats at you knowing someone who betrayed you is walking free. And even worse for Zaeed, the object of his revenge is so close I imagine he can taste it. I'm not sure anything, even Shepard, could stop me if a shot at Sidonis was near. 

But even as I think it, I know it's wrong. I know in my gut that leaving these innocent refinery workers to die is horrible to even think about, no matter what mission is at stake. And I know in my heart that my team would be so disappointed in me that I even considered it an option. 

What have I become? That darkness inside me that I feel, that Shepard sees, has become a threat. To me, to Shepard, to our crew, and to people who need help. 

Shepard remains both my moral compass and my wildfire, grabbing Zaeed by the collar. "We're here to free these people. We're going in." 

"I knew this was a mistake," Zaeed grits out though he makes no move to defend himself. "If we're gonna do this, we'd better get to it." 

Shepard lets him go and hops over the railing onto a level below us. I follow immediately and hack her into the building. It's the basement level of the refinery, and it's on fire, so we get moving quickly. Shepard leads up a flight of stairs and then through the door at the top. 

The moment it opens, another blast throws us backward. I only manage not to fall by some miracle, and Shepard stumbles hard but catches herself. The people in this building are fucked...and I was thinking about leaving them. 

Things get worse through that door and further in. People are trapped and screaming, fire is spewing from everywhere, and it's already hard to breathe in there through the smoke. We have to keep our shields up to avoid getting burnt, and I'm sure Shepard is just as aware as I am that these poor people have no shields. 

We finally find the fuel control panels - or at least the first two. We can use them to redirect fuel...if we can make them work. This is not the time for me to fail, and not just because Shepard is watching. It's one of the harder hacks I've ever had to manage, and I wish - not for the first time - that Akart was here to work his magic. But finally, I crack the system, fix the controls, and redirect the fuel. 

Some of the flames lower, but we're going to need to find all the controls and the fire suppression system if we're going to put the fire out before this building goes down. A banging noise brings us away from another door, and we find a window into a room where several workers are screaming, banging against the glass, and fighting for air. 

"Upstairs!" one shouts. "The extinguishing system is upstairs!"

"The doors won't open until the fire is out!" another cries. 

They're trapped unless we can put out the fires. They will burn to death until we can get to that extinguishing system. And if we'd gone after Vido first, they'd have no shot. Damn it. 

The stairs that we need to take are blocked by flames, and Shepard orders us to spread out and find the fuel control. I do, quickly, and redirect the fuel. We sprint up the stairs, dodging flames and debris and explosions until we get to the top. "Another console," Shepard scowls. "Can you deal with it?" 

"Yeah, but I don't know why you look so unhappy about it," I note, moving right to the console. 

"Just feeling a little useless at the moment," she breathes from beside me. It takes me a minute to figure out what she means. Commander Shepard is anything but useless, especially when she's leading a mission. And then I catch her watching me hack through the system. 

"I can teach you to do this," I tell her. "I offered once before, but we...never really had time for it." 

"The only opportunities we get are usually when we're on missions like this," she notes. Just then, I unlock the controls and turn on the system. Immediately water starts pouring from the sprinklers on the ceiling, an alarm begins to sound, and a door at the other end of this room opens. "Hopefully, that means the other doors are open, too." 

She hurries to the glass window overlooking the refinery. I follow, and we watch refinery workers running to the doors, helping their injured coworkers out and reveling in the spray. Relief washes over me at their freedom, and I can feel it in Shepard too, even before she leans into my side. 

"You made the right call," I murmur, pressing my mouth to her hair. I then have to pull away immediately and try my best not to grimace, but the smell of fire and ash and fuel in her hair is almost painful. 

"Hey! You're not supposed to react even if I stink," she teases, pushing me away. "Let's get moving." 

"Finally, you say something worth listening to," Zaeed snaps before marching out of the room ahead of us. 

Shepard meets my gaze to roll her eyes, and then we follow him, taking a different set of stairs back down a level. There's a very dead and very burnt Blue Sun at the bottom of the stairs, but the weapons beside him look almost untouched. 

"Oh, yes." Shepard pauses when she hears me and turns backs while I pick it up. "An M-451 Firestorm. Oh, please tell me I can bring this home." 

"A flamethrower?" she observes, cocking an eyebrow at me. 

"I'll share. You can play with my toys whenever you want." Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes at me, but I can see the flush. And she doesn't tell me that I have to leave it behind, so the Firestorm joins my assault rifle and pistols on my back. Before I can encourage Shepard to check out my toys, though, gunshots ring from up ahead. 

We find Zaeed further along in the warehouse and in a shootout with several Blue Suns. We get there just as more arrive. A lot more. And they've got the advantage here by standing in our way. 

The three of us buckle down behind cover and start fighting back. Shepard and I work seamlessly, timing our shots and reloads perfectly, using my tech skills to shut down shields so that she can blast them, strategically pushing forward. Zaeed is doing his own thing, and Shepard doesn't seem to give a shit what he does. 

We manage to push them back into a warehouse back on the basement level, and we have something of a level fighting ground except that we're well outnumbered. At least we have the motivation. 

"First person to bring me Massani's head gets something special in their paycheck." 

Okay, so maybe now Vido has given them some motivation too. Shit. 

The fight is intense, the worst we've had since getting here. Actually, maybe the worst since we've been back on a squad together, with Blue Suns Heavys, YMIR mechs, and pyros all over. There's a lot of cover, but it's not easy to push forward through space like this, and a few times, one of them almost gets around us. 

"You brought Shepard with you," Vido taunts, using the comms to talk to Zaeed, "and you still don't stand a chance. I took your Blue Suns. I took your life. And now I'm taking it again." 

I dare a glimpse and see Zaeed's jaw tick. It's enough for me to feel his pain like it's my own. The guy who changed and maybe ruined Zaeed's life is on the way to escaping. 

"Take a knee now, Zaeed, and maybe I'll forget this ever happened," Vido cries. "Let that loser die, Shepard. You can walk out of here alive! Never should have come here, Zaeed. Did you forget who you were dealing with? Get ready, Zaeed. Here it comes." 

A whirring noise echoes, and then a mechanism overhead starts to move, carrying huge crates and dropping a stream of flames along its path. They're set to move from one end of the warehouse to the other, starting at opposite ends so that our way out is blocked. 

"Well, fuck. What do you say, big guy? Get rid of that for me?" Shepard flashes me a far too sweet smile. 

"Oh, so I am getting punished?" I quip. Even as the words are coming out, I realize that they're a mistake. I can't take them back, and I can't escape the look on Shepard's face. 

Instead of trying to apologize when I don't know how and when we have more important priorities, I focus on the task she's given me. One well placed shot to the top of that crate, and it comes crashing down, landing with a quick but massive blast that instantly wipes out half the Blue Suns that were under it. The others start running too late, and when the second one comes down, it's just as successful. 

We wipe out the stragglers and then escape the warehouse, running for the doors at the far end and out onto the landing pad. A helicopter is already there, already hovering with Vido inside. "Not this time, Zaeed, you son of a bitch," he shouts as it gains height and speed. "See you in another twenty years." 

Zaeed takes off running after it to the end of the platform, shooting and screaming in rage until his magazine is empty. Even when the gun is just clicking, he keeps pulling the trigger like it's not enough. I know the feeling; it'll never be enough. 

"Zaeed!" Shepard calls, taking a few steps forward. She wants to help, I know. But he's beyond compassion. 

Finally, he throws the rifle down, making the magazine pop, and pulls his pistol, turning to Shepard and aiming it right at her face. My heart drops into my stomach, and I run cold, my own rifle slipping into my hand. I can aim at him, but there's no telling whether I can pull the trigger first if he decides to shoot. 

"You just cost me twenty years of my life!" he screams at her. 

I want to intervene, and part of me hears Shepard say something, but noise from behind Zaeed catches my attention. I watch a small flame following a trail of oil from the bullet that popped from Zaeed's weapon all the way back to...oh shit. 

My rifle leaves my hand, and I slam into Shepard before it hits the ground, taking her down underneath me just as a blast slams into both of us from the side. I manage to land without crushing Shepard but keep her covered. A scream sounds from behind us, raspy and almost animalistic, but I don't turn and don't let Shepard go until debris stops hitting me. 

"You're bleeding," Shepard breathes, bringing her hand to the side of my head. Until she touches it, I don't realize, but at contact, pain surges, and I wince away from her fingers. 

"Son of a bitch!" Zaeed cries, distracting both of us. He screams again, and I roll off of Shepard, letting both of us turn to see. A chunk of metal landed on him, pinning the bastard down by his legs. And he's standing exactly where Shepard was moments ago before I got her down. 

"Zaeed." Shepard scrambles to her feet and goes to him while I sit up a little slower than usual, hoping I don't have too nasty a reaction. My head swims for a moment but blood isn't even dripping, so the wound isn't bad. I'll be fine. Zaeed, however... "Are you alright?"

"The hell do you care?" he snaps at her. "I'm fine. Now come on. Get me out of this shithole."

I laugh at that while climbing to my feet. "You know, you're gonna need me to get that thing off you," I note, motioning to the pipe on top of him. "And if you want my help, you should consider not being a dick to her."

Shepard wouldn't let me just leave him here, no matter how much I might want to after seeing him hold a gun in her face. But Zaeed doesn't need to know that. I get at least a little satisfaction at seeing him pale.

Shepard kneels so that she's eye level with him, everything about her countenance completely calm. "I'm not sure I need a man like you on my ship." 

"If you didn't need me, Cerberus wouldn't have paid my fee." He sounds almost cocky, and I just about laugh again. 

"Cerberus wasting their money is none of my business," Shepard replies, still calm. "The Illusive Man made suggestions; the choice is mine." 

That doesn't ring hollow with Zaeed. He doesn't know her well, but he's figured out that she doesn't make empty threats. If he has sense, Zaeed will ask us for a lift to the nearest station and get the hell away from her. No way does someone like him survive for long around Shepard.

"I'll do what I was paid to do," he says finally, not snapping or growling at her for the first time all day. "Nothing more, nothing less. Now stop screwing around. Let's go!" 

Shepard stands up again, taking a couple slow steps away from him. "You put your own goals ahead of the mission. That's not the way this works." 

"I've survived this long, watching my own back. No time to worry about anyone else." 

This time, Shepard pulls her rifle and points it at Zaeed's face. It's a mirror image of what he did to her. "You're part of a team now. There's no way we can do this unless we're all working together." 

Shepard isn't looking at me. She's speaking directly to Zaeed, and he's reacting to her words like he knows that. But I know that Shepard is talking to me. 

Even what Zaeed said rings with me. I've survived watching my own back; when I had a team, I failed to watch their backs. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else, ever again, because I know what happens when I get attached. And that's why I'm still keeping Shepard out. It keeps us, me and her, from being a team. 

And it might be why I may have let all those people in the refinery die today if Shepard hadn't been here. The darkness might be connected to how alone I am...even when I don't have to be alone. 

Zaeed is considering it, too. At least as far as he has to for his own survival. Why am I considering it? For me? For my team? For Shepard?

Does it matter?

"You have a point," Zaeed breathes. "I'm not done with Vido, but I can put it aside long enough to get your mission done." 

Shepard looks at me and nods. And then she holds my gaze. I know what she wants...but I don't know if I can give it to her. I do the job instead, shouldering my rifle to free my hands and then lifting the beam. I get it up by a few feet and toss it aside, freeing Zaeed. Shepard puts her gun away too but doesn't offer a hand to help him up while calling the shuttle. 

Zaeed crawls to his feet, hurting and potentially dealing with some broken bones but handling it as well as I'd expect from someone like him. Someone like us, maybe. 

"Let's get the hell out of here."

The shuttle lands, and we climb aboard. I sit first again, and this time Shepard sits in the seat across from me. Zaeed stands, and he stares at Shepard for a moment but chooses not to say anything. It gives me time to consider what the hell I could possibly say. 

She's still going to want to talk, and she deserves more than I've given her. After what I saw of myself today, it only feels harder. I've been saying this whole time that Shepard won't want me if she knows the truth, that I could never deserve her. It's never been more true. 

"You need to see Chakwas," Shepard says. Some of the business is back in her tone. I get it; the flirting and playfulness was for comradery. For comfort and teamwork, for the benefit of us both. But I shut her out, left the ship, and made mistakes. I'm going to have to put work in if we're going to get through this. And that starts with not arguing with her about this. 

"Yes, ma'am." She winces a little at the formality. The last time we talked shop, it was what she needed. Now I don't know what that is. 

I don't know if that's me. 

*****

I laughed at Gabby when she suggested a movie night with the girls on board. I've never done that, the teenagers hanging out and having sleepovers with friends thing. On Mindoir, I wasn't cool enough. Since then...well, I still haven't been cool enough. And now I'm a commander fighting to save the world from sentient machines, so the idea seems...almost too innocent. 

But I'm two nights out from what might have been a breakup and was definitely my boyfriend leaving the ship - our home - getting wasted, and spending the night in another woman's bed. I'm absolutely certain that Garrus didn't have sex with Aria or Grizz or anyone else. But he left me for Omega. He chose Omega instead of talking to me. I spent the night broken and guilty, knowing that whatever is inside Garrus now is at least partially my fault for doing the very same thing to him. 

It feels like innocent is exactly what I need tonight when I have no idea whether Garrus is going to try and talk to me or if he'll just get hammered again. Not that getting trashed sounds terrible right about now. I have alcohol and loneliness, or alcohol and a movie night with the girls. 

And that's how I end up in sweats on the couch in the Starboard Observation Port between Kelly and Jack, who is laying back with her feet propped up on my lap as if we've been friends all our lives. I like it. Even when they pick an absolutely horrible romantic comedy about a Turian and an Asari. Whether it was intentional or not, a mixed-raced relationship on screen makes Gabby and Kelly ask me way too many inappropriate questions that Jack and Kasumi find hilarious. If I wasn't tipsy on deceivingly strong mixed drinks, courtesy of Kasumi, I'd probably be annoyed. Instead, I can only hope I'm not telling them way too many inappropriate things in return. 

"So, you've only been with the one Turian?" Kelly has definitely asked that before. I think she's hoping the answer will change, like I might give more wild and dirty details if we're talking about a different Turian than the one who serves on this ship. The one who should be in bed with me right now. 

"Only one so far, am I right, Shep?" Jack teases, poking me with her foot. 

"I'm not interested in other Turians," I tell her, rolling my eyes in the same dramatic style that she does a hundred times a day. "Well...not unless Garrus is there, too." 

And that's the sort of thing I'd never say without one of these sweet, deadly pink drinks. While the others howl in laughter, I down the rest of it. Might as well not let it go to waste, right?

Someone with a deep, chocolatey voice clears their throat, and heat that is not from the alcohol surges through me from head to toe before sweeping back up and centering in my core. I'm expecting Garrus and yet the sight of him leaning on the doorway with a small smirk on his mouth but concern in his eyes, a tight shirt stretched across his chest and biceps, and baggy pants takes my breath away. 

"A very lucky girl," I hear Kasumi mutter, definitely not trying to keep her voice down. Garrus flicks his gaze at her and then does a double-take, probably realizing then that he doesn't know her. 

"Garrus Vakarian, this is Kasumi. Intergalactic thief and newest member of our crew," I offer, motioning between them. 

Garrus straightens and steps forward, offering her a hand. Kasumi takes his forearm instead, and I can tell they both appreciate the gesture from the other. "Garrus." 

"No titles?" she asks him. 

"Nothing worth mentioning." He breaks their connection and looks to me, an almost shy expression crossing his face. "Can I steal you away?" 

"No!" Gabby squeals, launching herself over the back of the couch to hug me. "Shepard stays! The movie isn't over." 

Garrus glances at the screen for less than two seconds and laughs. "Something tells me that Shepard is not interested in this movie." 

"Maybe," I allow, taking the drink out of Kelly's hand and toasting Garrus with it. "But I'm interested in the alcohol. You know what that's like, right?" I don't break eye contact before downing what's left of the drink. 

Tension in the room skyrockets. It glances off of me, the alcohol forming a shield. Garrus is left vulnerable, and he can't hide the wince. Or doesn't try.   
"Fair enough. I'll be in the Main Battery if..." He smiles, soft and sad, and glances around the room. "Have fun, ladies. Goodnight." 

A thick silence falls on the room as soon as he's gone, and it makes my gut twist with guilt. I didn't want to run him out of here, not really. And I definitely didn't want him to go away. It was probably a low blow, but maybe I'm a little more sore about what happened than I realized before I started drinking. He hurt me. That doesn't stop being true even if we had a good mission and even if I miss him after a couple nights apart.

"Are you okay?" Kelly asks, putting her hand on my knee. 

"It's nothing," I lie reflexively before turning back to the movie. Walls up, mask on. The only person who has ever been able to get through those just walked out of the room. But nowadays, I find myself wishing the wall at least had a few holes. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Gabby asks. 

Before I can reject that, Jack scoffs loudly. "Waste of time. She needs to go put her ankles over Vakarian's shoulders." I turn to gape at her, and she shrugs. "You can talk to him after." 

"I like it here," Kasumi announces, laying back on the bar and propping her head up on her hands. 

"We won't mind if you leave before the movie is over," Kelly offers softly, not looking at me while she says it. Almost like she wants to give me a chance to ignore her if I want. And I want. I've been stewing for three days - four, really since Garrus left the night before. Now he decides he wants to talk? Garrus can wait a little longer, and I can finish watching this movie. 

This horrible, stupid movie. 

By the time the damn thing is over, with a happily ever after, of course, I'm crawling out of my skin. My mind was never really on the movie, thinking instead about how Garrus looked tonight. And not just the shirt showing off his biceps and broad as hell chest, but the look in his eye. I'm fairly certain I wasn't mistaking the lust. He was guilty and sad, sure, but...Garrus wanted me. And after several nights apart, I'm feeling the same way. 

Part of me wants to jump him without even bothering to talk. That one is the remainder of the alcohol talking, though. It's almost completely burnt off already, thanks to biotics, so the rest of the horniness is because Garrus is goddamn sexy. And besides, Jack put the image of my ankles over his shoulders in my head, so she's just as much to blame. 

I get up the moment the movie is over and head out of the room, calling my thanks to the girls for a good time on my way out. And I did have a good time. If it weren't for the other stress, this would have been a very relaxing evening. And for the most part, I am more relaxed than I was before the movie started. 

Now that I'm a little more relaxed, I'm even more eager to see Garrus. I just don't know if I want to talk to him, fuck him, or fight him. Maybe some of each. But first, I have to figure out where to find him. 

I thought he'd be in the Main Battery, his favorite hidey-hole, especially now that the massive new cannon is on the ship, and he's the only one who can install, calibrate, and maintain it. Or so he and engineers tell me, but I think they have some kind of deal going on and Garrus just wants to play with the big ass gun. His cot is empty, though. I even call into the room for good measure, like an idiot. 

He's not in Mess Hall either, and I get all the way down to the Cargo Bay, where I think maybe he's working out before EDI reminds me that she can tell me where anyone on the ship is at any time. EDI tells me that Garrus is in my quarters and something that feels like hope sparks in my chest. 

Fine, I'm a little horny and still annoyed. But I want us to be okay. I need to get us back on the same page. I need to not have any more nights or mornings or missions without him. I'm not complete with Garrus, even when Garrus is dark and broken and shutting me out. I miss him. I need him. I love him. 

Especially when he's asleep on my couch, curled around my pillow, and looking ten kinds of adorable. Someone who is almost seven feet long never quite looks small, but Garrus is pretty damn cute when he's in as much of a ball as he can get into. I keep the lights low so that I don't disturb him and move to the couch, sitting down on the table in front of him. I know I should probably let him sleep since I saw him using stims just this morning, but he came up here for me, and I don't want to stay away from him.

I lift a corner of the blanket and slip under, making room for myself on what's left of the cushion. Garrus stirs almost immediately, but I shush him and curl up against him, his carapace never bothering me. He whispers my name when he realizes what's happening and pulls me up against him, warm and strong. Hooking my leg over his waist gets me into a position where I feel totally comfortable, far less aware that I'm nearly on the end of the couch. 

"How was the movie?" he asks softly. 

"Stupid. Far too cute. Not a single explosion." He laughs, his chest rumbling against mine, but I can feel how tense he still is. "I was mean earlier. I'm sorry." 

"All things considered, I deserve a little mean." He tightens his arms like he's afraid I'll remember and run. I tighten my hold on him in return, hoping he doesn't have a single doubt. "I wasn't sure you'd be okay with me being here. You left the door unlocked, so I'm prepared to use that as an excuse." 

I laugh now. "You don't need excuses. I asked you to move in, remember?" 

Garrus's whole body tenses and his eyes get sharp, looking back and forth between mine. He thought I would change my mind. Maybe he thought I was going to break up with him, or let him break this off with me. He's got a lot to learn about everything that's changed since I came back. I want to be with him, and I'll do what it takes. 

When I don't take it back, Garrus heaves out a sigh - slow and heavy - and then starts to push himself up to sitting. I would protest except that he brings me with him, including the leg wrapped around him. Another deep breath, but this one is shaky. It's not until then that I realize Garrus is struggling. The weight on his shoulders seems heavier than I've ever seen it, and it's nearly heartbreaking. 

I shift this time, sitting a little more comfortably without leaving his lap and wrapping my legs around him. Garrus holds me in return, the two of us making complete circles around each other. 

"Were you badly hurt earlier?" He frowns and I use his chin to pull his face to the side, checking his head where he was bleeding earlier. There's barely a mark now. 

"Oh, that. It was nothing." Garrus turns his head and kisses my palm, nipping my wrist lightly. 

"Something is wrong," I note. I really don't want to push him into talking again this soon, not after what happened last time, but Garrus looks like he's in physical pain. All I want to do is help. 

"Yeah...something is wrong. We need to talk." My heart seizes and it feels like a cold rock drops right into my stomach. Those might be just be the scariest words I've ever heard. "I'm not...Omega messed me up." 

I hate feeling relief, but I can't help it. He needs to talk about what happened to him. Garrus is letting me in, and I hope I don't actually look eager. 

"And I need you to know what happened so that you can understand a little of what that means and...and what it's done to me. But this isn't an easy thing for me to talk about, okay? I just..." 

"It's okay," I tell him, slipping my arms around to hold the back of his head. I lean forward and Garrus meets me halfway, our foreheads joining. "You can tell me anything, big guy." 

"I've felt like I could trust you from the moment we met," he whispers, almost shaking. "I hate fighting against that, I don't want to anymore." 

I want to encourage him, to assure him that he can trust me and I'm not going anywhere. But Garrus has to make that decision on his own, so I wait, and I stay quiet. I hold him, doing nothing more than nuzzling my forehead against his. At least that still makes him purr; that has to be a good sign. 

He pulls away enough to bring his arm between us and pull up a photo on his Omni-Tool. It's Garrus and at least a dozen other people of all different species. They're gathered around a couch, at least a few of them wearing the Archangel insignia. It's a happy picture, and it's obvious that they're all very close. Garrus is in the middle of the picture, doing his best not to smile, with a slight blonde human guy kissing his cheek. It's sweet. Like a family photo. 

"This was my team." Garrus's voice is hoarse and soft like his throat is too tight for the words to escape. "They all kind of came in at different times, all of them pissed off at the lack of justice on Omega for one reason or another. Most had lost something. When they first put me in charge, I refused." He glances at me, almost smiling, and quips, "Shoes from my last leader felt too big to fill." 

"And you'd have trouble wearing heels," I tease, grateful when it eases some of the tension in him. I look back down at the picture. "You and your team did some great work on Omega." 

He nods. "Yeah. They were great. We were great together. It felt like a family...except that I never really let any of them in. Everyone was at a distance, even if they didn't deserve it." Garrus leans forward to nuzzle my cheek a little. "I'm still making that mistake." 

Again I don't say anything, but I hold him closer. There's nothing I could say. 

Garrus closes the picture and sits back, leaning his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes. Powering up for the big reveal, I know. I can barely breathe. 

"We knew we were getting to the gangs by the way they reacted, the talk that we heard. But we had no idea how big it was, how pissed they were until they showed up at our apartment one day. They had Devon. They killed him in front of me before I could do anything about it." 

I place my hands on his chest and try to fight the stinging in my eyes. Even if the story wasn't bad, Garrus looks shattered, and I can feel him shaking. 

"A little while later, I got a call from another member of the crew. Sidonis. He said he had a lead on something and wanted me to meet him." Garrus swallows. "I told everyone to wait there. I wanted them to be together; I was going to bring Sidonis back, so we were all together." Garrus opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling before he says, "I knew the moment I got to where Sidonis said to meet him that it was a trap. He betrayed me. And then, by the time I got back to our apartment, they were all dead or dying. Every member of my team, murdered." 

His voice cracks on the last word, and I reach for him, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. Garrus doesn't resist, hugging me in return and ducking his face into my throat. 

"I got them killed, Shepard. It was my fault." 

"No, Garrus. You couldn't have known someone that you trust would betray you." He tenses, almost letting go of me and pulling away before renewing the hug and taking a shaky breath. He may as well have smacked me in the face. "You think you should have seen it coming because I betrayed you." 

Garrus pulls away to look at me. "It's not that you dumped me, Shepard. I mean that sucked but...I don't want you to feel like I blame you for it. You had every right; you always do. I...I felt like you betrayed me when you died." I blink at that, and Garrus chuckles a little. "Yeah, I know. I realize now that it's ridiculous. At the time, I was just too heartbroken to see straight."

"I understand it. I was that way about my parents for a while," I admit. "I was just as mad at them for dying as at the pirates for killing them." 

"Grief makes no sense." 

"None," I laugh, shaking my head. I meet his eyes again and touch his mandible lightly. "Thank you for telling me. I get why that's so hard for you to talk about."

He sighs again. "Yeah, I...didn't really feel like I had much of a choice after today. When Zaeed was talking about Vido, I understood him. I could relate. If I was in his place and chasing down Sidonis..." He trails off, shaking his head a little like even saying it makes him too angry for words. 

"You're not Zaeed. You would have handled it differently." 

"No, that's the problem. I think you're wrong." My gut tightens in warning but Garrus looks into my eyes so I don't react, don't move. I have to let him open up without judgement, I can't react. Not yet. "You're right, Shepard, there is something...dark inside me. Something wrong. And I think if you weren't there, I would have agreed with Zaeed. I think I would have let those people burn." 

He can't even say it without his voice becoming strained and cracking, his mandibles trembling against his jaw. I can see the pain building in him when he even considers following Zaeed's lead and what would have happened to all those people. 

"Garrus, do you remember what I told you when we were facing Dr. Saleon? We can't predict what other people will do, only -" 

"Only how we respond, yeah." He nods but frowns. 

"Actions matter," I press. "You questioned yourself for a moment; maybe you even wanted to throw everything else away for the sake of revenge. God knows I've had moments like that where I wanted to do something so badly, even if I knew it was wrong. Like punching reporters." 

"Is that wrong, though?" he counters, managing a grin. 

"I'll let you ask Hackett and Anderson about that. But I didn't act on it. And neither did you. It's how you respond, what you do, that tells you and the world who you are." I take his face between my hands. "And you are a good man, Garrus Vakarian." 

He holds my wrists and closes his eyes again. "Am I still good if I want to find Sidonis?"

"Where did he go?"

Garrus shakes his head. "He disappeared off Omega, not even a trail. I have some feelers out in the hopes that he'll turn up, but..." 

"When he does turn up, you let me know, and we'll go get him." He opens his eyes, clearly surprised. He shouldn't be; there isn't much I wouldn't do for Garrus. Bringing the man who hurt him this way to justice and who got his team killed is not even a favor. It's my place and my honor as his partner to help with this. "We'll get him together, Garrus. You have my word."

This time when Garrus releases a heavy sigh, there's something relieved about it. It's not the sort of sigh shoved out of him by the weight on his shoulders and his back. I don't know what Garrus thought would come of telling me, but from the sound of that sigh, I can tell he's surprised. 

"There's nothing about you that I won't or can't love, Garrus. Darkness and all. Okay?"

"Okay," he answers, barely a whisper. His hands slip to my shoulders and he squeezes before tugging me a little closer. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, kid, but I am so grateful you came back to me." 

"Me, too." 

He embraces me again, and I hold him close, his face against my throat. I rub my hand slowly up and down his spine, trying to settle him or to convince him I'm here or...something. Anything. Whatever he needs. 

"We can get through this darkness together too, Garrus. I promise." 

"It feels like there's no getting through sometimes," he murmurs, hot breath gusting over my throat and his hands fisting in my shirt. "I think if I let it, it'll swallow me whole, Shepard. It...it scares me." 

Fear washes through me, icy and sharp. I've never heard Garrus afraid of anything before. Even knowing what we're up against in the universe, even with everything he's seen and done and been through...Garrus has been fearless. A rock, bold and steady in a world that's always in chaos around me.

Or at least, that was true two years ago. The Garrus in front of me now is scarred and scared. No less a rock, unfalteringly steady when I need him but...broken a little. 

I don't need Garrus fearless. I just need him here.

"It's okay to be scared. We'll figure it out. I'm with you, I'm on your six." 

Garrus tightens his hold on me, and I return it. I fight the urge to cling to him when he feels like he could slip away. Our bond has never been stronger, but something else is threatening Garrus, threatening to pull him away from me. That darkness isn't the sort of enemy we can create a tactical response to, not something that we can shoot or kill. It scares me to battle that even more than the Reapers; at least I have a name for them. We need help. 

"Garrus...would you consider talking to Dr. Chakwas? I get not wanting Kelly, but..." 

He doesn't move to look at me, but at least he doesn't pull away. "You think maybe she could help?"

"I think it's worth a shot. And I think we can trust her; I trust her with you." 

"I trust her, too." Garrus is quiet for a few minutes and again I don't push, don't even talk. I'll follow his lead here. "Turians aren't known for getting mental health care. There's a huge stigma around it. Turians who want to work in mental health have to leave Palaven, the planet has zero psychiatric hospitals. Even just talking to Chakwas about this, admitting that it's there..." He huffs out something like a harsh laugh. "I'm disgracing my family even further." 

I shake my head even though he can't see me. "Garrus, I haven't spoken to your sister or your mom yet, but from what I know, they want you to do whatever it takes to get home to them. And your other family could never be ashamed of you." 

"Other family?"

"Yeah. I'm not much, but I am crazy about you." 

He shudders from head to toe and whispers my name, straightening up to press his forehead against mine and squeeze me even closer. "Spirits. You don't know what that means to me." He kisses me softly, sweetly, our lips mostly just brushing. "I'll talk to Chakwas tomorrow. Do you...would you be there?" 

"If you want me to, of course, I'll be there." And if the idea of that conversation makes me nervous, I can't imagine what it does to Garrus. "Why don't we try and get some rest for tonight?" 

Garrus nods, but it takes another moment before he lets me go enough that I can slide back off his lap and stand. He takes my outstretched hand even though I'm not big enough to pull him off the couch and then lets me lead him to bed. 

I strip off my jacket and sweats while he sits and then ask EDI to turn off the lights, crawling into bed beside him. I snuggle close, and Garrus brings his arms around me, letting me get as close as I need and seeming like he needs the contact too. It's not often I lay without Garrus without his erection between us; if nothing else, it's a stark reminder of what we've been through tonight. 

Garrus's mind must be on the same thing. "Is it okay that I'm not...I'm not sure I can tonight." 

"That's always okay, big guy," I assure him, squeezing him without touching his waist so he can be sure I'm not coming onto him. "I love your libido, but it's far from the only thing you offer me. You also happen to be basically a living space heater." 

"Good to know I have my value," he laughs. "Thank you, though." 

"Did you really think I wouldn't want to share a bed with you if we weren't having sex?" I laugh because it's absurd, and I catch a glimpse of his smile in the blue glow from the fish tank. 

"I don't know," he admits. "I'm not exactly an expert in sharing beds for more than a few hours, and definitely not without sex. I'm still learning how this works." 

"Well, we can learn together. But you should know that I'm a huge fan of cuddling, even if it's not going anywhere sexual." 

Garrus makes a thoughtful, soft noise in his throat and nuzzles the top of my head with his face. "I'm becoming a pretty damn big fan of it, too." I smile into his chest and hold tight.

For the first time, I kind of wish I could see the stars through the skylight. I'd like to see that slice of the universe so that I can thank it or thank whoever, whatever might be out there listening. I need to show my gratitude to whoever brought Garrus back into my life when they did. He wouldn't have survived much longer on that bridge, but I wonder how much longer he would have made it even if the bridge never happened. I'm not egotistical enough to think that I can or did save him, but I least I know that now Garrus doesn't have to get through it all alone. 

"Thank you for coming back, Garrus," I breathe, bathing in the steady pound of his heart. 

He sighs. "Thank you for pushing me." 

"Anytime," I promise. "I love you. And I promised we'd be okay this time." It's a promise I intend to keep.


	16. Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter exists solely for smut. No, I'm not sorry. 
> 
> I am a little anxious about this one will be received, but Garrus and Elle's sexual relationship has been headed in this direction for a while now. It's where their story goes, and it continues to evolve in ways I'm really excited to share. 
> 
> I'd recommend being alone and in private when you're reading this chapter. Enjoy!

The crew keeps making fun of me. At this point, I swear they're just coming in to hear me tell them that I'm in the middle of calibrations and whatever they want needs to wait. I don't love the interruptions, but I also don't really care too much. There isn't much that can bring me down when I have a machine like the Thanix to calibrate. If I wasn't sleeping was Shepard, this would be the most exciting thing in my life right now. 

Shepard is helping my mood, too. She promised me that she wouldn't feel differently about me if she knew more, and she meant it. She's exactly the same with me - not mad, not being careful, not pitying me. Nothing changed, except now I'm not hiding from her. And now, because I told her, I'm fighting back against the darkness. 

It wasn't easy to hear Chakwas call me depressed. I'm a Turian; even if I don't share the stigmas around mental health other Turians do, it's been drilled into my head that a strong body and dedication to family, to duty, to Palaven will keep our minds strong. Hearing that I'm depressed made me feel weak. Chakwas told me that no one of any species can fight a chemical imbalance; she also found research available on drugs and dosages for depression in Turians which means that even if we don't talk about it, other Turians deal with this too. That helps. 

When it was over, when I was considering whether or not I'm ready to start taking antidepressants, Shepard called me Archangel, told me that there isn't any battle we can't win together, and sucked me off. Decision made; I've been taking the antidepressants for the last week. 

It's not perfect, I'm a little tired and my appetite is shot, but that darkness is only on my mind seventy-five percent of the time instead of a hundred. Chakwas says it might keep getting better, or we could try something else. Plus, it hasn't fucked with my libido; I'm not ashamed to admit that was the side effect I worried about most. 

So I'm dealing with clinical depression and taking medication for that, I'm calibrating the most effective cannon in the galaxy on the ship that I love, and my relationship with my bondmate is the best it's ever been. For the first time in two years, I feel like I might actually survive.

And instead of that being a burden, I'm excited about it. 

The doors open and the air in the Main Battery, stale by nature because of the machines running and the temperature, sparks to life. I can feel an energy pulling behind me, toward the person in the doorway. I felt that the very first time Shepard looked me in the eye; was she my bondmate already then?

I turn around to face her instead of whipping out the usual line, resting my hands behind me on the console. She's wearing a long-sleeved white shirt with an N7 decal on the chest, and a pair of baggy black pants. The shirt is tight enough to show the lines of her muscles, more formed now than before thanks to the gym on the ship and her affinity for working out with me. The fit of the pants makes her look a little shorter than usual; I love how small she is. Her long hair is only half pulled up now so some of it cascades over her shoulders and I want so badly to inhale the scent of that hair.

"Are you ever coming out of here today?" she asks, cocking her hips and leaning against the doorframe. 

"Depends. You willing to come in and lock the door?" 

She gives me a devilish little grin paired with pink on her cheeks that sets my heart to racing. But she doesn't step inside just yet. 

"Actually, I am willing. But not for the reason you're thinking." 

"First of all, don't pretend you know sex is on my mind constantly," I tease. She laughs and it cuts off in a squeal when I lunge forward and yank her through the door, letting them close behind her. "Second...tell me what you need, my love." 

"Geez. I really love when you say that." She pops up on her toes and kisses my good cheek, then ducks around me to lock the door. Just when I think I might be getting very, very lucky, she skirts around me again and moves to the console. Shepard spreads her hands over the screen, hovering, and says, "Teach me how to hack." 

Oh, this will be fun. 

"My pleasure, Commander. I do need to know exactly what your intentions with this skill are," I tell her, keeping my tone light so she knows I'm teasing her. I step past the console and lean on the railing separating us from the Thanix, facing her. "The hacking level required to get through locked doors is different then what you'd need to acquire data from someone else's Omni-Tool. And if you're hoping to be able to crack major vaults or security infrastructure - " 

"Garrus! Where the hell did you learn all of that?" she demands, crossing her arms over her chest and sinking back into her left hip. 

I mirror the movement, still convinced that I was doing this first. "I have a wide range of skills you have yet to be introduced to, Shepard. I can start teaching you all of them any time." 

Instantly, her face flushes, and the great and fearless Commander Shepard is forced to turn away from me to hide it. I laugh and put her out of her misery, approaching and standing behind her while she faces the console. "Let's start with what you'll need for doors, consoles, wall safes - that kind of thing," I suggest, bringing up a program that is used for teaching students to hack. It's advanced for her and not in a language she can read, I know, but I'm well aware she's smart enough to handle it. "If you enjoy it, we'll move on from there." 

"I am not ever moving on to acquiring data from someone else's Omni-Tool, Garrus," she laughs. "One of us has to be the responsible adult here." 

"That sounds horrible." 

Shepard laughs and tilts her head to reward me with a beaming grin. Spirits, she's gorgeous. I shake my head and force myself to focus on the task at hand. It's not easy when she's this close and smells this good, but this is an important skill on missions. More than once, we've been in a place where, if I couldn't hack us out, we would have been stuck or forced to change strategies. Shepard knows this and knows she needs to be prepared for those moments. 

I'm also just honored that she's asked me to teach her something. I feel like I've learned something new from Shepard every day since we met. Shepard is the best soldier, person, and leader I've ever known. I wouldn't have been capable of managing any of Archangel's operations without what I learned from her. Knowing that there is something I can teach and more importantly that she trusts me to teach her feels damn good. 

"This is simpler than it looks," I tell her, bringing up a standard lock. "And it's very similar to what you'll see when you try to open a locked door or console without a code. The general idea is to form connections for every node; it's what a code or key would do automatically, but you're doing it by hand." 

I show her a couple times, identifying the node connections and then carefully but quickly tracing them to completion. "If you're too slow, almost every lock will time you out. Most locks give room for one mistake, but never assume that. Assume that one mistake, it shuts you out permanently and you cannot get back to here." 

She huffs out a breath. "No pressure." 

"You can do this," I assure her, setting my hands on her shoulders. "Go ahead, give it a shot." 

Shepard starts out just fine, definitely grasping the concept already, but she's nervous enough that she's moving slowly and triple checking everything. The lock times out on her. She makes a second try, and the same thing happens. 

"You're overthinking it." I slide my hand down her back and then around her waist, slipping under her shirt slowly. "Relax. Trust your instincts." 

"My instincts don't include computers," she quips.

"They do include problem solving and puzzles. That's all this is." I lean down to nip her ear, dragging my talons lightly across her stomach from one hip to the other. 

Shepard leans back into me a little and doesn't sound upset when she complains, "I can't think when you're doing that." 

"Good." I lick her neck and press one hand further up her shirt, grazing under the strap of her bra. "Don't think. Just do it." 

"But I - " 

I pull one hand from her shirt and smack her ass, just hard enough to make her yelp. "Do. It." 

Shepard sets to work while I cup her ass with one hand and tweak a nipple with the other. And this time, half her brain focused on something other than the console, she nails it. Several seconds to spare. I feel the shock ripple through her and then her heart rate jumps. "Hey! I actually did it." 

"Mmhmm, you sure did," I breathe, bringing my mouth to her neck again and sliding one talon into the front of her pants this time. The muscles in her stomach jump and twitch. "The next one is harder. Keep going." I take my own advice and unbutton her pants. "Do a couple of these without the alarm, and then I have one more hack to teach you." 

"This is unfair," she groans, sinking back into me while I find the spot on the back of her shoulder that makes her legs tremble when I nip. "I need to focus if I'm going to learn this." 

"Not true. You already learned it; this is just practice." I sweep her hair aside and run my tongue up the back of her neck. "And am I really any more distracting than a battlefield, enemies firing?"

Shepard moans when I palm her breast and press my hand further into the front of her pants. "You are far more distracting than guns." 

"Flattery won't get you out of this and only successfully hacking will get you an orgasm. Now work, Shepard." 

She listens, struggling a little as the hacks getting more challenging but eventually conquering all of them. As the last one clicks green, I slip my finger inside her and press my palm to her clit. Shepard isn't interested in celebrating, her head falling back against me and her hips grinding into my hand. 

"Yet another talent for our Commander," I purr into her ear. "You're incredible, you know that? I'm constantly amazed by you." 

"Garrus," she whispers, her voice shaking the way it always does when she's about to cum. 

"I'm crazy about you," I tell her, nipping at her ear again. "And you let me teach you something. Ah, baby. The only honor in my life greater than getting to be on your six," she shatters, crying out for me, "is getting to make you cum. Mmm, brilliant, capable, and sexy." I pull my hand away and let her see me lick it, savoring her. "And fucking delicious." 

Shepard is all over me in an instant, almost throwing me back onto the cot and tearing through both of our pants. I barely have a chance to prepare before she's sinking down on my cock with her head thrown back. I sit up only enough to rip her shirt off and then lay back to watch her breasts bounce, reveling in the feel of her hot sex rocking on my cock. She is perfect.

We're barely separated from whatever crew is in Med Bay, and with dinner looming, I'm sure there are a lot of them. It's the middle of the day, and Shepard was in the middle of the task. And now here she is, fucking me. I have found the perfect woman, and she is with me. She loves me. 

I flip us over, carefully given the lack of space on the bed and the metal wall inches from her head. I trap her hands down by her hips, her legs wrapped around my hips firmly, and I give in to my urges. I drive into her hard and fast, loving the sound of the cot creaking as it rocks with me. Her breasts bounce perfectly like this too, and now I have an even better view of her face. Her expression is entirely blissed out, back arching while she moans my name. 

"I still have more to teach you," I tell her, hearing my own nearing-an-orgasm voice. "So much more." 

She gasps when I wrap my hand around her throat, not quite squeezing but holding tight enough to get her pulse racing under my fingers. Her now freed hand comes up to grab my forearm. I allow it for now since I think it has more to do with how close to explosion she is. I stroke harder, deeper, but slow down to let her feel me slipping in and out of her. "Garrus...please." 

Heat is building at the base of my spine, a pull starting in my fringe. I'm holding onto control with my fingertips, and I have very little left. But I don't need more. My girl is there with me. Always. I lean forward to speak into her ear again, squeezing a little more firmly now. "Cum for me," I growl. "Let me feel you cum." 

Shepard cries my name loud enough that anyone on the other side of that wall knows why she just screamed my name. Knowing that her need for me might be public knowledge combined with the incredible squeeze of her body is enough to drag me over the edge, and I press as deep inside her as I can get. When the orgasm releases me, I lay down to put my head on her chest and she wraps her arms around me. "You're the best teacher I've ever had," she murmurs. 

I laugh and pull away enough to look her in the eye. "Yeah? Does that mean you'll come upstairs with me to continue your lessons?"

This time Shepard laughs, rolling her eyes at me. "I would except I know you skipped lunch and now it's dinner time. Come and eat with me." She kisses me and then shoves me off of her deftly, wiggling out of the bed and grabbing her pants. I can’t say no to her, and I know she’s been worried about me eating, so a couple minutes later, my legs still shaky, I follow her into Mess Hall.

"Ohhhhh I get it," Kenneth teases, throwing his hands up from where he sits at the table. "You ignored me when I came in because I don't have boobies!" 

"Did you actually just say boobies?" Gabby teases him while the humans who understand that phrase erupt in laughter. I look down at Shepard for help, and she motions to her breasts. And now it makes sense. 

"They help get my attention, yes." Shepard swats my arm for that but she doesn't release my hand and she doesn't stop smiling. 

We head for the kitchen counter to get our meals from a jovial Rupert, and Kelly Chambers joins us. When I realize her tray is already at the table, it takes effort not to tense up. "How are you feeling?" she asks, her voice soft. She can at least manage confidentiality when we need her to. 

I didn't love the idea of Chakwas getting extra advice from Kelly before giving me a prescription, but I understood it when she explained needing help from a mental health professional. She could only be so secretive when I'm the only Turian on the ship and when the big picture trauma I dealt with on Omega is common knowledge. But Kelly didn't come into the Med Bay looking for a hug, and she hasn't given me any pitying looks so...I'm grateful. 

"A lot better than I was," I answer. Shepard squeezes my hand. 

"Sleep, appetite...other drives. Those are all good?"

I clear my throat and this time I squeeze Shepard's hand so that I don't snap at her. I still have little patience for people asking personal questions; apparently antidepressants can't fix that. "I want to take a nap and then get her in bed with me, but I'm not thrilled about having to eat." 

Kelly nods like she was expecting that - and that likely includes my attitude. "The appetite should level out when you adjust, but if it doesn't please tell me. Or...well, Chakwas. We should adjust, especially considering the amount of energy you expend on a daily basis. Turian protein intake cannot drop; you need to eat just as much as you always have." 

"Thank you for letting us know that, Kelly," Shepard replies. "I'll stay on top of this." 

"Yep, my other drives are just fine." Both women laugh at me for that, and Kelly touches my shoulder before she goes back to the table. Rupert puts our trays down and I don't miss that he's overloaded mine a little. He looks away when I try to make eye contact, but it's not from shame. He doesn't care if I know he listened, it's just that he doesn't want me to argue about the amount of food. I can at least give it a shot. "Thanks, Rupert." 

"You got it," he replies with a nod. 

We sit together at the table, Shepard close enough to touch me, and the team is relaxed. We don't have a mission on schedule at the moment, just heading for the Citadel to restock and doing maintenance or upgrades on the ship. We're all feeling good at the moment, and it's nice to be at ease along with them. Gratitude swells in my chest and I lean down to press my mouth to Shepard's hair. 

"Thank you," I whisper to her, bumping her head with my forehead. She leans into the touch. "I almost forgot what not having that weight in my chest was like. You gave this to me." 

Shepard puts her hand down on my thigh and turns her head to nuzzle against mine. "You're fighting for this yourself. I'm proud of you." 

"Hmm. Well, I'm gonna spend the night worshipping you." Now a shiver runs down her spine and she turns more fully to give me a look. "Do you have complaints about that?" I tease.

"No, but you'll have complaints about getting shot down if you don't eat enough." 

I laugh but turn back to my plate. "That's definitely one way to get me eating." She laughs but seems satisfied when I do actually start eating, and knowing that it makes her feel good is an incentive for me. Still, it's hard to eat when you're not hungry, and I bail on dinner long before everyone else though I do stay at the table. It doesn't go to waste, Grunt taking over my tray almost the second I put my fork down. 

"That wasn't much," Shepard notes, frowning a little. 

"I know. I did try, though," I assure her. "I'm just...not hungry." 

Shepard sighs but nods and offers me a smile. She's not mad at me at least, just concerned. I don't love that either but it's better than the alternative. I pat her knee and keep my hand there while she finishes eating and we relax with the crew. I don't know who starts sharing war stories but I zone out pretty quickly; I know who is going to win this game, and Shepard seems to feel the same because she leans on me and doesn't take part. I'm not above monopolizing her attention instead. 

"Your hair is so long," I murmur, running a talon down through her curls. 

"I know," she laughs, picking up the ends where they hang over her shoulders and down to her breasts. "When I first realized it, I figured I'd cut it again. It had been short for so long, you know? But...I don't know, I think I kind of like it." 

"I like it, too." 

She smirks up at me. "I wasn't sure if you had any preference since hair is a pretty foreign thing for you." 

"I don't have a preference in general. But you're more confident now than you were before. I like that." I tug a curl playfully. "And I think the hair might have something to do with it."

"Maybe something. Though not as much as the seven foot wall of handsome who looks at me like he wants to devour me all the time." 

I can't help but growl in response to that, and I lean down to kiss her in an effort to mute it. Shepard meets my mouth, her hand on my jaw, and even though the kiss is very soft, it gets my heart racing. She lingers, and I squeeze her knee instead of pulling her onto my lap. I can feel my erection growing behind my plates, and I'm grateful I'm still in my armor to protect from the chill in the Main Battery now that it'll also help hide my hard on if she makes this much worse. 

"I was wondering if they kissed," I hear Kelly murmur from further down the table. Shepard tenses and turns toward her but doesn't pull away or shun me; it's a good sign. 

Another good sign is that she laughs at Kelly. "OK, so clearly I need to schedule enough leave for you people to get laid," she jokes, "if you're spending your free time wondering if we kiss." 

"Wanna know what I wonder about?" Jack asks, giving her an exaggerated and impressively leering grin. 

"God, no," Shepard laughs. "I'm sure we could find porn for that." The crew joins in with laughter at that and I manage to laugh, but I'm distracted. And this time it's not by a darkness in my chest but a heat in my core. 

"Speaking of porn...we should watch a movie tonight," Hadley suggests. 

"Ew!" Gabby squeals, throwing a roll at him. 

We all laugh and Hadley rolls his eyes. "Not that kind of movie. I do my porn in private, thank you. I meant something like the new Blasto." He waggles his eyebrows at Shepard but it's unnecessary; the moment the word is out of his mouth, he's earned her interest. And my erection is going to need to wait a while, I guess. 

It's worth it. For all the time I've spent with the crew, this is the first time I've felt genuinely present with them. Besides, watching Blasto with a group of soldiers and engineers who can back me up against Shepard about how absurd these movies are is worth it. And having Shepard fall asleep halfway through the movie, her head on my shoulder and curled up against my chest, is pretty damn nice too. 

"D'aww she's almost cute when she's asleep," Joker teases from a chair beside the couch. 

"She'll shoot you when I tell her you said that," I retort, shifting one of my arms carefully behind her knees so I can lift her. Shepard is a soldier; she can sleep soundly through just about anything, anywhere that isn't gunshots or an alarm. I'm confident I'll be able to carry her upstairs without disturbing her. 

"Ah, don't go," Kasumi whines. "You're comfy." She has her head rested on my shoulder and her feet tucked under my thigh; she kicked off her boots an hour ago claiming that I'm warmer than shoes. Jack is lying at the other end of the couch, her head in Kasumi's lap. Kenneth and Gabby are on the floor in front of us, shoulder to shoulder and only just not cuddling. Hadley, Matthews, and Hawthorne are in chairs beside Joker, Miranda and Jacob are at the bar and pretending they're too cool for this. 

I feel good here. Shepard was comfortable and felt safe enough to fall asleep. It's almost tempting to stay, just finish out the next couple hours. But I'm exhausted, and I'm not going to be able to fall asleep here; it's just not in Turian nature. Besides, I want to get Shepard in bed - and maybe underneath me - as soon as possible. So I stand, easily bringing her with me. 

"Goodnight, guys," I call to the room, keeping Shepard close and warm and hopefully cozy. They all wish us a goodnight, Kenneth making some inappropriate comment I choose to ignore because I know Gabby will smack him for me. 

Kelly Chambers is in the elevator when the doors open, and she smiles at the sight of us. "That's very sweet," she chirps. "I'm not too late for the movie, am I? The paperwork just couldn't wait." 

"No, they're still there; you still have a few hours of cheap CGI and overacting." 

"I am shocked Shepard didn’t just wake up and scold you for blaspheming." 

I laugh though I try to stifle it so the vibration through my chest doesn't wake Shepard. I can tell that Kelly is pleased I laugh at her joke, though. And I know that means I don't do enough to show the ship psychologist and yeoman that I don't hate her. She plays an important role in Shepard being able to do her job, and she was very kind in helping me get on the right meds. Kelly's age isn't her fault, and her positive personality isn't a flaw I should be seeking. 

"Hey, Kelly?" I call as we switch positions and I step into the elevator as she steps off. "Thanks for all your help recently. I really appreciate it." 

Her entire face lights up; she's a good kid. "My pleasure, Garrus. Thank you for letting me help. I hope you know I didn't just do it for Shepard or for the mission." 

"I do. Enjoy the movie." 

"You enjoy your night, too." She tosses me a wink and then spins on her heel, heading off as the doors close. I shake my head, still smiling, and lean against the back of the wall after programming the elevator for Shepard's quarters. 

I want to let her sleep more, but I know she'll wake up when I try to undress her anyway. I nuzzle the top of her head gently, testing out whether or not she's in a deep enough sleep that I should leave her alone. Instead, Shepard stirs immediately, pressing her face into my chest and gripping my shirt. "Where are you taking me?" she mutters. 

"I wish I could give you a more exciting answer," I tell her, stepping off the elevator and moving toward her doors, "but we're just going to our quarters. You fell asleep halfway through some incredibly bad movie." 

"Hmm. What would a more exciting answer be?" 

I step inside through her doors, already unlocked and letting me in easily. "I'm tempted to brave a beach and an ocean just to see you in a bikini. And wet." She laughs as we reach her bed but whimpers and hangs on when I try to place her down; instead, I turn and sit with her in my arms. I like it more than letting her go anyway. "Or we could go to Palaven; I think you'd like the chaos in Cipritine, and the deserts are beautiful. Maybe Mindoir. Someone told me the sunsets there are incredible." 

"You remember that?" She tilts her head back to look up at me, green eyes wide and sparkling. "I haven’t been back on Mindoir since...you know. Sometimes I think about going back. I think if you were there, I could actually do it." 

"I'd love to be there." 

Sometimes the difference in Shepard now from two years sends my head spinning. Before she died, if I mentioned going to Mindoir, Shepard would have shut me down immediately. She always did whenever anything even remotely personal or difficult came up. Getting to know her was a battle; worth it, but exhausting. I've learned more about Shepard in the last couple months than I did that entire first year. She's not just open now, she's vulnerable. 

Shepard says that the difference is because she died. Less prone to her inhibitions. She also told me that her only regret when dying was losing me, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes. 

I've never been so sure that she loves me. 

"And you would take me to Palaven?" she asks, shifting a little to hold herself up without getting off my lap. 

My last conversation with Solana, the things she told me, come flying back and punch me in the gut. "I, uh...I'd like you to meet my mom. I want my mom to meet you." Shepard squeezes me a little but waits; she can always tell when I have something else to say. "She's getting worse. She's pretty bad now. I don't know if we'll...make it." 

"What does worse mean?" It's a valid question; I only told Shepard a little about my mom's illness and nothing about her current state. 

"Solana says that she's been in a wheelchair permanently for the last six months; two years ago, she was using a cane most of the time but not always. The last time I was home, she was totally mobile, and that was only four years ago. Disease progress, Solana says." 

Shepard squeezes me again and this time she holds on. I'm grateful for it, and I hold onto her too. "We can make time to stop by Palaven. Or at least for you to go back for a little while." 

I shake my head as soon as she starts. "No, it's...I wouldn't be able to see her right now. Not with my dad. I'd have to see him first, and he's not willing to see me, so..." 

"Your dad won't let you see your mom?"

"He can't let me associate too closely with the family right now, Shepard." My throat and chest grow tight; I have to keep telling myself she promised not to leave, and she didn't abandon me after learning more about Omega. Maybe she won't now.

Again, Shepard can see me struggling. She shifts, straddling me and holding my neck. It's exactly the way I held her the other night when I confessed everything. It's just as comforting tonight, and I hold her close with my face in her neck. 

"Remember what I told you about a society based on merit? That includes the merit of your family, your loved ones, even your close friends." I take a breath and close my eyes, blocking out everything screaming at me that I can't trust her. She loves me. I just need to believe that she won't stop loving me once she knows me. "Right now, I would bring horrible shame to my family if I went back to them. I quit C-Sec, quit Spectre training, disappeared from duty of any kind for two years. Even now, working with a human terrorist organization...that's going to be a hard sell as not disgraceful." 

"You keep telling me that if I knew you...Garrus, do you think I’m ashamed of you?" 

I don't want to answer that. 

Shepard shifts and pushes me back by the shoulder, forcing me to look at her with a hand on my jaw. "You listen to me, Vakarian. Right now, I could smack your father. The Primarch and the whole damn hierarchy, too. You are not a disgrace, you have done nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, if anything, all of that is my fault. And you've done so much good. It's bullshit that they won't see it, but it's not acceptable that you think I don't." 

Love swells in my chest so big it threatens to choke me. I lean in and kiss her - hard. "Leaving C-Sec is the best decision I ever made," I whisper against her mouth. "I only regret not being on the Normandy when it went down; I never would have let you sacrifice yourself." 

"Well then I'm glad you weren't on board," she responds. I can feel her trembling. "Cerberus would not have spent two billion credits bringing your giant ass back." 

We both laugh, and the rest of the tension eases from the moment. And Shepard stays. She doesn't pull away, doesn't resist, not even when she knows what I've done to my name, that I've brought shame to my family. I'm nothing anymore...except for hers. And it's exactly what I want to be. 

"Come here," I breathe, pushing my hand into her hair and pulling her to kiss me. She leans into it like she'd been holding her breath waiting for it, taking my face between her hands and eagerly meeting my tongue. Her breasts press into my chest, and her moan sends heat flooding through my veins. I slip my free hand under her ass and squeeze, the perfect give sending shockwaves into my cock. 

"I've been hot for you since dinner," she murmurs between kisses. 

"Mmm is that why you were wiggling around on my lap?"

She lets out the sweetest little giggle. "I was hoping to stir something up." 

"Something like this?" I use the hold on her ass and tug her against my erection, so glad I changed before we started the movie so that I can feel her heat through both of our pants. 

"Not bad." 

Spirits, I love when she challenges me. 

I flip her over quickly, keeping her legs around me and rocking into her. "Not bad, huh?" I shift to kiss her neck, running my tongue from collarbone to her jaw while she arches to her neck to give me more space. "You wanna play, baby?" 

She tenses just a little at the word, but it's not the bad kind of tension; I know because of the way her hands squeeze my waist. She knows that it means I'm going to push her limits, and that excites her as much as it scares her. And both of those are a good thing for my purposes. 

I wait, continuing to kiss her neck, roll my hips against her, grope her over her shirt. I want to turn her on without pushing or convincing her. I want her to decide. 

The tension floods out of her in a rush, Shepard's body melting into the mattress. It's compliance and submission and arousal all at the same time. "Yes." 

I love that fucking word. 

"But wait, Garrus." I pause instantly, on edge but not because she's done anything wrong. Now more than ever, I can't make mistakes. "I want...I want all of it. More than just play." 

I pull back enough to look at her. Shepard's eyes are clear, focused, sure. She's a little nervous, I can tell by the flush on her cheekbones, but there's a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Do you know what you're asking for?" 

She nods. "I'll need you to teach me, but I want that with you." She tugs on my fringe and murmurs, "I want you to dominate me." 

A flip switches in my brain, my instincts escalating and my heart steadying out. I'm the same person with the same love and respect for Shepard. But I'm not only that now. And now that I'm her boyfriend, now that she's dedicated to me, play is going to change for me and Shepard. 

"Words are part of the mindset," I tell her, keeping my voice low and deep. While I talk, I sit up and start to strip by pulling my shirt over my head. "So we're going to choose our words carefully from here on out. You're going to answer me with words when I ask you a question. Not shaking your head, not moaning. Words. I need a clear yes or no; do you understand?" 

"Yes." 

"Good girl." I work through the belt on my pants and pull the zipper down slowly, her eyes tracking the movement. "Your words will keep you in control. If you say yes, I'll continue; if you say no, I'll slow down and we'll figure out how to continue. If you use your safeword, I'll stop. Understand?"

"Yes." 

I let my pants fall to my ankles. "I have to be able to trust you to use your safeword, Elle. It's for my benefit as much as yours. If you are scared, if you are confused, if you're just feeling a little unsure, you say it. You don't have to dislike something to say it; there is no bad reason. Understand?"

"Yes." My shorts follow my pants and after I toe off my boots haphazardly, I kick my clothes off so that I'm standing before her naked. I can see the appreciation blatantly on Shepard's face. "If I...use my safeword...can we go back to it? Whatever we were doing?" 

"Of course. When you're ready. It's not a punishment, the stopping. It's for our safety, our comfort, our intimacy." I step a little closer and hold my hand out for her to accept, using it to pull her up from the bed. "Everytime we're together, it strengthens what we have. This is going to make that even more intense, if we continue to respect and protect each other. Okay?"

She nods but then quickly corrects herself with a clear, "Yes." 

I start to pull her shirt up over her head while I continue. "We both have a role here. Mine is to carry responsibility for all of your needs, all your burdens, all your emotions. Before, during, after. Yours is to be honest with me so that I can." She blinks at me after her shift passes over her head. "When things get intense, you will crash after. There's no avoiding that. But I need you to be honest with me about how it feels, about what you need. There is nothing you can't ask me for. I need you to help me achieve my role. Tell me you understand and that you can do that." 

"Yes. I can. I will." She's shivering, but not from cold. I can smell her arousal, intense and hot. A blush is already spanning her chest; the moment she gets permission, Shepard will come apart for me. It's damn heavy knowledge. 

"When we're out there," I motion toward the door and know that she'll understand I mean the rest of the world, everything outside of what happens between us in private, "we are commander and soldier. That changes in here. You will do what I say, when I say, and how I say. And you will only do those. Orders are mine to give, yours to listen to." I slip my hand behind her and undo her bra, guiding the straps down her arms slowly. "We can try things that might put you on top, if you will. But we can try those on my order. You understand?"

"Yes." 

"Are you comfortable with that?"

Her bra hits the floor, and she meets my eyes. "Only because it's you. Yes." 

Now I work through the drawstring on her pants. "I want you to try and get into the spirit of it, Shepard. Give over control. Let me make your decisions and carry that burden. You're always in charge, constantly responsible and literally carrying the weight of the galaxy. I want to take that from you in here, Shepard. If you'll let me." 

"I want to let you. I can do that." I know she means it by the breathy tone. Just the idea of releasing some of that burden gets her heart racing; this woman is carrying so much more than most of us would be capable of. 

I start to guide her pants down slowly, letting my hands drag over her ass and thighs. "One more thing, and then I'll give you what you want." Her chest is rising and falling rapidly. "I told you that words are important, that this is my command, and that I want you in that spirit. We need another word to get us both there. But I want you to be comfortable using it, so you can choose." 

She frowns just a bit, but then I can see it hit her. "You want me to choose what I call you?"

"Yes." Fair is fair; I'll use words, too. 

"I...don't know. What, uh...what do you usually get called?"

Now I shake my head as her pants hit the floor and she loses them. "That doesn't matter. This is about me and you." She hesitates a bit; I wish I didn't think she wasn't wondering what other people have called me when we we’re naked together. "You're a soldier, we both are. Are comfortable using 'sir'?" 

Shepard's eyes flash, and I can't help a smile; that was a smart suggestion, apparently. "I love that," she breathes, her voice husky now.

"Good girl. You feel okay about all this? You understand that if you don't want this, if you don't like this, it's okay, right?" 

"This is natural to you. You need this." 

I shake my head and pull her against me. "I like this. I need you." 

"Honestly, it doesn't matter. I've never been so hot as I was when we've played before. I want this." Shepard puts her hands on my chest and breathes, "I want you, sir." 

A hot, powerful tremor surges through me from the top of my head to the head of my cock. I can feel my body rock with it. That word in that tone from this woman is one of the sexiest things I've ever heard. 

"Can I ask questions?" 

"Please do. EDI, can you turn the temperature up in here a little?"

Shepard startles. "Are you getting cold?"

"No, but I'd rather not get gold." I pull Shepard with me to the chair of her secondary desk, the one near the bed, and sit down, pulling Shepard onto my lap. "Ask your questions. Don't hold back." 

She swallows. "If I break the rules...you'll punish me?"

"I will," I answer quickly, clearly. I don't want there to be any misunderstanding. "How will depend on what rule you break, how, and how often. But you set the limits there, too. Your safeword counts, and so does your no. Are you okay with that?"

"What if I say no?"

I shrug, and I mean it. "We'll readjust. We'll figure that out. All I want is you, baby, you know that." She smiles and nods, relaxing. "Punishment enhances the mindset. It makes the power exchange more firm, more intense. Punishment, when done right, can also be pretty damn hot. Considering I'm fairly obsessed with getting you off...punishments will be creative, I can promise that." 

Shepard smiles at me openly now, no longer fearful of the idea. "I like the way you think."

"Good. What else?" She takes a breath, refocusing. I love making her lose focus. 

"What...is this? What does this make me?"

This is one thing I can tell her about myself with no shame; this is who I am, and Shepard accepts me. She's enjoyed this before, too. "When we're in here, you're submissive. It doesn't make you a sub unless that's how you feel, unless that's what you want to be." 

"What's the difference?" 

"Power exchange. One is a role, a temporary mindset. The other is a lifestyle where that mindset becomes...part of you. You have submissive characteristics and tendencies with me all the time, which is why I started any of this with you two years ago." I brush a curl behind her ear and tug the lobe. "It wouldn't mean you can't be in control or command, of course, just like it doesn't mean I can't take orders from you in the field." 

"But we'd always know. That would always be between us." I nod and watch her, waiting. When she smiles, my heart skips. "I like that."

"I like you," I respond, leaning in to brush my lips against hers. "There's a freedom to this, Shepard. You deserve that. Thank you for letting me give it to you. Now what other questions do you have?"

"What if there are things I'm not sure about trying yet? Or things I definitely don't want to try?" 

"You tell me. I don't want to do anything you're not into, Elle, I wouldn't get anything out of that." She smiles a little and nods. "I will continue to push your limits, encourage you to try new things with me. But saying no or not yet or never is always an option. And you have my word that I won't do anything I don't think you'll enjoy." 

"And...if there are things I want to try?"

I raise my eyebrows, a little surprised that's where her mind is right now. "You should absolutely tell me about those. What are you curious about trying? Do you have fantasies I should know about, Shepard?

"Hmm, I don't know. Are you ordering me to tell you, sir?"

I laugh and stand again, guiding her legs back around my waist. "No. I'm going to get them all out of you in a much more entertaining way." I start toward the bed and stop when one final thing occurs to me. "Oh. You should know my safeword, too." 

"You have one?" she asks, obviously surprised. 

"Of course. I need to be safe as well. And like I said, I don't have to be on top." Her eyes sparkle, and I'm getting damn near desperate to know her fantasies. "My safeword is Arnax." She gives me a curious, playful look so I explain, "Make of my first car." 

Shepard laughs, her head dropping back. "You are such a dork." 

"You picked soap. Now hush about that. I have ravaging to do." 

*****

Thank God Garrus told me I don't have to be quiet because holy shit his tongue. It's all I can do but hang on and scream, clinging to reality while Garrus spreads my thighs wide and devours me. His growls and moans, and the intense way that he's enjoying this is almost as hot as what he's actually doing to me. And then it stops and Garrus is crawling back up over my body. 

Protests scream from every cell in my body. Garrus has never left me hanging before when it wasn't on purpose; he knows exactly what he's doing, and he's damn good at it. Which means right now, he's trying to torture me. 

"Why?" I manage to cry out, making an effort at pushing him back down between my legs by the shoulder while he makes his way over my stomach at a leisurely pace. 

"Don't worry, baby," he breathes, ignoring my shoving like I'm not more than a fly on his shoulder. "I have bigger plans for you tonight." 

That gets my heart racing all over again, and when Garrus sits up over me, straddling my torso, I lose my breath. He's so damn gorgeous. 

"I want to hear about these fantasies of yours," he purrs at me, smiling like the devil himself. "But I want to show you one of my fantasies first. I know where it is, but I want you to tell me." He leans down to kiss me gently and asks, "Where's your vibrator?"

"Oh, God." I have to close my eyes, unable to look at him when he's talking about that. It's embarrassing to think that someone was responsible for replacing everything I owned before dying and had to purchase the exact same sex toy. But knowing that Garrus always knew about it, that he could smell it on me after I masturbated, and that now he wants to see it...

"Look at me." I do - not because he ordered, but because it'll help. "We haven't talked about your limits or kinks yet. I know you used the vibrator, but if you don't want to use it with me, that's okay" 

I shake my head. "It's not that I don't want to. Just..." 

"Not something you've ever done before," he guesses correctly. I nod, and Garrus' smile gentles while his hands start to glide up my arms, across my shoulders, and then to my throat. One big, heavy hand comes around the front of my neck, but he doesn't squeeze. "Would it help to know what I want to do?" 

I nod, mostly just eager to hear him tell me in that damn chocolately voice of his. But I trust him, too. Garrus wouldn't try anything that he won't tell me about. No surprises, nothing creeping up on me. Garrus will keep me safe and get me hot; all I have to do is let him. 

He leans over to my bedside table and reaches in blind, using long arms to keep from having to move much at all. He comes back out holding exactly what I knew it would be, a plum colored silicone shaft with a light curve at either end. He eyes it curiously, almost weighing it out, and I'm sure then that he's never touched it before. "I wondered if it would be shaped like a human penis."

"Ha! They sell those, but it's not what I was looking for." 

"It's never been what I was looking for," he mutters in response, making me laugh. "So..." Garrus drags the hand around my throat lower and then to my left breast, letting his talons tease me. "You like the way this feels inside you?" I hear the soft buzz telling me that he clicked it on and feel my own temperature rise. Garrus gives an appreciative little hum as he clicks through the settings. "That's nice. Bet that does feel good. Huh, baby?"

I nod but he frowns at me and I quickly correct, "Yes, sir." 

His smile returns, and Garrus draws the tip of the vibrator between my breasts, his cock twitching when I gasp in response. "I have a fantasy, Shepard. I want to fill as much of you as I can...all at once." Garrus snares my attention away from potential panic with a hand on his cock and a long stroke. "I want to fuck you with your pretty little toy here. And I want you sucking my dick while I do." 

He guides the vibrator over my nipple, and I jump as much as I can under him, my hips automatically lifting in a plea. 

"I want you stuffed full, baby. You okay with that?"

"Yes, yes please. Anything, sir." I barely recognize my own voice, and I can't sit still the vibrator teasing my breasts and Garrus' cock almost close enough to kiss but just out of reach. "I want your fantasties. All of them." 

Garrus moans and leans down, kissing me deeply. "You're a dream come true, Shepard. We're going to do everything either of us has ever dared to dream of together," he murmurs against my mouth. 

"Please." 

He gives me one more kiss and then shifts off of me, moving beside me and pulling the vibrator slowly down my stomach. I can feel his eyes on me, watching between my legs as he guides my legs apart, and the last thing I want is to watch that...until he moans. I look at him while the vibrator slips lower, tracing the crease between my pelvis and thigh and sending a shiver all the way up my spine. Garrus' eyes are intense and bright, his body almost trembling. 

Trembling with need for me. 

I want to be Garrus' fantasy, all of his dreams come true. I want Garrus as hot for me as I always seem to be for him, I want him certain that he's never had anyone sexier. And so I let go, not trying to hold back the way my body wants to move or trying to stay quiet. My inhibitions are much easier to let go of now than they used to be, before I died. It's also easier now that Garrus is really mine - and always will be if I have anything to say about it. 

The vibrator slips inside me, just barely and on the lowest setting, and I nearly shatter with need. My spine arches off the bed and I cry out, his name the only thing that comes to my mind and slips out of my mouth. 

"Oh, fuck, Shepard. Come here." He shifts, reaching for another pillow and tucking that under my head as well. Then he tugs the pillows to move my head toward him. "Turn toward me a little. Keep your legs spread." I want to obey him immediately but it's hard to focus with the vibrator slipping further in with each slow thrust. Garrus chuckles a little like he can sense that and slows, giving me a moment to get my head on right. 

I manage to shift enough and Garrus kneels besides my head, his hand firmly around his cock. I want to dive on the damn thing, swallow him as deep as I can, but I don't dare move. Not until he says I can. When the dog tags around his neck - my dog tags - catch the light from the fish tank, peace comes over me even while my arousal soars. 

"I love you." I don't even mean to say it; the words just spill out of me because I can't help it. And Garrus freezes, blinking at me before he smiles. He looks so surprised every time he hears it. That means I should say it more often. 

He brushes curls off my forehead, soft and gentle even while he continues to torture me with a toy. He's making me feel unbelievably wild and so very cared for all at once, the feelings colliding into one giant need to be fucked. 

"I'll tell you what, baby," he murmurs, slipping the toy a little further inside me. "Even when I tell you that you're not allowed to talk, not allowed to say anything that isn't your safeword...you can always say that, okay? I always wanna hear it." 

"Okay. I love you." 

"Hmm, good girl." Garrus shifts a little more, angling so that he can feed me his cock and reach between my legs without straining either of us. It probably helps that I am so much smaller than him. I'm not really worried about logistics at the moment, though. I want his cock and I want him to get that damn vibrator fucking me and I want to watch Garrus when one of his fantasies comes to life. "How do you stop me if your mouth is full?" 

I lift my hand and tap his thigh twice. I did this once before when Garrus got lost in his pleasure; I would describe it as a loss of control except that he stopped the moment I tapped out. Now he smiles, obviously pleased that he doesn't have to repeat lessons. 

I'm going to do everything I can to make sure Garrus knows I'm serious about this. Everytime Garrus has taken control, each time he's wanted to play, we've both enjoyed the hell out of it. And he's right, it increases the intimacy between us and our bond. I have the weight of the galaxy on my shoulders, except when Garrus lifts that burden for me. I want to give him control; I want him to dominate me. 

And I want him in my mouth. 

Garrus cups the back of my head, and positions me, holding my head steady so that he can thrust through my lips. I love when he does that, the way he growls and the face he makes when he takes my mouth. I love when he gives me freedom to drive him wild too, especially when he's doing the same for me. So while Garrus uses a vibrator that became virtually useless to me after I met him to deliver intense, perfect pleasure, I wrap one hand around the thick base of his cock and jerk slowly while sucking steadily and swirling my tongue around the head. 

I watch his face closely, his bright blue eyes darting from my mouth to my core. His chest is heaving, the growl in his chest nearly feral. I know even before he speaks that Garrus absolutely loves this, and that makes this whole thing even hotter. 

"Damn, Elle, you look incredible. You're so beautiful," he breathes. I'm sweating, panting and gagging around his cock, I can't keep my hips or my legs still, and I'm sucking on the end of his cock like I need the damn thing to breathe. And he thinks I'm beautiful. "I knew you would be this good. You were made for this, for being filled and used." 

His eyes are on mine now, looking for a reaction. I beg him to say it, to give me what I need to hear. When he smirks, I know he can see it. 

"Perfect little slut." 

I cry out, muffled by his cock, when my entire body reacts to it. Heat floods me, all of it coming from between my legs where Garrus uses the shape of the toy and his own knowledge of my body to massage the right spots every time he slips the shaft in and out. I don't neglect him, jerking him harder and faster and taking him as deep into my throat as I can. 

"That's right, just like that," he whispers, mandibles fluttering the way they always do when he nears his peak. I watch him as best I can while he's taking me higher and higher, everything around me shattering away when all I can think about is what he's doing to me and doing the same to him. 

I whimper around him, hollowing my cheeks, and Garrus nods. I know he understands; he always does. He tilts the toy just right, sending the vibrations through my clit, and my entire body erupts. I have to release him from my mouth, unable to keep from screaming. Only Garrus' violent growl brings me any glimpse of reality, though my vision is blurred when I look up. A second later, he's cumming on my chest and whimpering my name, both of us shuddering as our climaxes steady out. 

He slips the toy away and turns it off deftly before collapsing onto the pillow beside me, groaning up at the ceiling. "Wow," he breathes. 

"Yeah," I laugh, huffing for air and relishing the cool of the room on my overheated skin. I reach for his hand between us and Garrus squeezes mine in return. "This time, you made a mess of me," I tease. 

Garrus pauses for a just a second and then makes a very obviously interested sort of growl before sitting up and rolling toward me. "Oh...shit," he whispers, staring down at me. I look down as well, surprised I find the sight of his seed all over my breasts as arousing he seems to. Well, as he obviously does judging by the way his cock hardens completely again. 

"You like this?"

He gives me a look that makes me smile, like I just asked if he likes breathing. "Do I like the way you look with my cum on your tits? I'd trade every sunset on all of Palaven's moons for this sight right here, baby. Spirits." 

"Does that mean you're not gonna let me get cleaned up?" I ask, grinning at him because I can't help it. 

He laughs in that low, deadly way that makes me hot, and then he moves quickly, grabbing my legs and turning me toward him, pulling my thighs around his hips. I don't have a second to react or to prepare or to think before Garrus is inside me, stretching and filling me. The room swallows the gutterral, almost unrecognizable sound that rips from my throat. Every damn time. It's always just...so...good. 

"I'll let you get cleaned up," he breathes, pulling one of my legs up over his shoulder and holding the other around the small of his back. "But I'll let you cum against first." 

Garrus moves, a steady pace just under the threshold I would imagine for rapid but it is intense and hard and fast enough that I have no chance to gather my wits or find a grip on reality. And he just keeps at it, seemingly no limit to his stamina or end to his need to drill me into the mattress. He's thrusting hard enough to make my ass bounce off him, his eyes trained on where my breasts bounce with every movement. With him inside me, on my skin, his scent all around me...I'm surrounded, encompassed, entirely taken by this man. 

He drags one orgasm out of me and then another, and then flips me onto my stomach. Garrus yanks my hips into the air, pushes my head down into the sheets, and then slams back inside me. He keeps one hand at the back of my head, and the other firmly around my hip, his balls slapping against me loudly. 

"You okay?" he breathes, obviously fighting for some control while picking up the pace and going even harder, even faster. I try to catch my breath enough to respond, oversensitive as hell and my legs shaking and yet another orgasm building simply because my body knows he wants it. "Baby...need you to tell me." 

"Yes," I cry out, my voice rough and husky. "Garrus, yes, please!" 

He lets go of my head to take hold of my hips with both hands. He starts tugging me back against him to meet every thrust, exactly where and how I need him. I can feel a fire raging inside me, my mind spinning. Participating isn't an option; all I can do is give myself over to him and trust Garrus to get me where we need to be. And he's being damn successful. 

"I'm gonna cum so hard for you, Shepard," he growls. "Cum with me, baby. Come on. I need you with me." 

I try to tell him that I'm with him, to promise that I'm ready, but all I can manage is a moan that doesn't sound like his name even to me. He knows, though. No one has ever known my body as well as Garrus does - including me. 

"Shepard...now. Cum for me, oh, _Shepard_." He trails off in a growl and hot pleasure rips through me. Even exhausted and over-sexed, the orgasm is powerful. Garrus follows me over the edge with a snarl, his seed exploding inside me so hard that I can feel it, and then his body finally stills. He starts to collapse over my back, one forearm hitting the mattress beside my head to hold himself up. I can't do it that well, boneless and spent, so I collapse and Garrus follows, falling on top of me. 

His dick is still inside me, our sweat and body fluids mixing, Garrus' scent surrounding me. Even obviously exhausted, Garrus nips the back of my shoulders softly and one hand travels my side. He's still focused on me, still wants to be touching me and gentling me. "Was I too rough?" 

"No," I assure him, turning my head to the other side so that he can see me. "I like when you start to lose control." 

"I like that you make me feel so good that I can," he purrs, nuzzling my face gently with his. "And I don't just mean physically. Shepard, I...I never lose control. Except with you. You make me feel trusted enough and like I'm safe enough to...let go. Give in." He exhales, his breath hot but shaky against my throat. "I trust you to love me no matter who I am." 

My heart leaps into my throat. It was only days ago that Garrus was admitting he didn't trust me - couldn't trust me not to leave him again, or to love him no matter what he'd done or what he told me about himself. It broke my heart and terrified me; we don't have anything if we don't have trust. I've been working hard to prove otherwise, convince him, but I was never sure...

And now I know. We're going to be okay. We can make this work. 

"Don't cry," he whispers. 

I don't realize until then that I am crying, almost choking on emotion. More than when I first saw him on Omega, more than the first time we were together again...this feels like our reunion. And damn I needed to be reunited with him. 

"Baby, please, what's going on?" He shifts and encourages me to roll over. I don't hesitate, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and meeting his forehead with mine. 

"I'm just..." I have to catch my breath around a sob. "I'm so glad you're back. That you're here. I...I missed you." My voice cracks and it breaks the dam, almost painful sobs wracking through me. 

"Okay, alright," he murmurs. Garrus wraps himself around me, letting me cling to him and using his body weight to settle me. "I'm here, kid. I'm right here." He continues to whisper to me, keeps running his hands softly wherever he can reach, telling me over and over that he won't leave me. "You're mine, Shepard. It's me and you, and I'm never letting you go." 

I close my eyes and focus on the warm tone of his voice, the soft wisp of strong hands, the steady way he's breathing. My heart starts to calm after what feels like forever, and then I can finally catch my breath. Exhaustion settles into the vacuum left by the all the emotions, and Garrus anticipates that too. He sits up, pulling me up with him and holding me steady. 

"I'm gonna get you in the shower," he tells me, still running a hand slowly up and down my spine. "And then I'm gonna clean up the bed, change the sheets." 

"No, I can - " 

"Hey, what did I tell you? My job is to carry all your responsibilities, all your burdens." He leans forward to kiss me gently and then smiles. "That includes cleaning up the sheets when you're exhausted and I made a mess of you." 

I manage a laugh at that, my throat still raw, and nod. He guides me off the bed slowly, like he wants to make sure I'll be steady on my feet, and then leads me by the hand to the bathroom. He holds me against him while he gets the water running and then asks twice if I'm okay before leaving. And he asks EDI to leave the doors open, just in case I need him. 

If I'd broken down like that in front of him two years ago, for any reason, I would have panicked. I would have put my walls up higher and harder than ever. Even now, if this was anyone else in my life, I don't know if I could handle what just happened. Garrus talked about losing control, but that's what happened to me. And yet I don't feel embarrassed or pathetic. I feel safe. Hell, he's out there changing the sheets on our bed; I feel cherished. And when, after a few minutes, Garrus comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me, I feel seen. 

"You alright?" he whispers, the soap I'm rinsing off running over him, too. I nod and turn back to him, leaning on him heavily because I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally wrecked. "You did great tonight, Shepard. You were perfect." He kisses my head. "I want you to pay attention to how you feel right now, how you felt back there. The emotional crash you had is because of the physical high. This is normal. Look at me." I do, meeting his gaze. "This might happen again. It will be normal every time. Do you understand?"

I nod, unable to find the strength to speak, and let my head fall against him again. He doesn't push me to answer with words this time. 

"Okay, kid. Let's get to bed." Garrus shuts off the water and then smoothly scoops me up into his arms. I barely have the strength to hold on - not that he needs it. He carries me to the couch and puts me down gently, stepping away only to grab a towel. He doesn't even suggest that I dry myself off, immediately doing it himself. He even dries my hair, though I know hair is something he's not comfortable with. He's gentle, effective, and putting me to sleep. "Do you want something to wear?" 

I shake my head and he smiles, pulling me into his arms again and taking me to bed this time. Garrus stays naked too, but he feels cooler to me than usual when we get into bed. I don't complain when it's probably why he snuggles so close, pulling my leg around him. 

"Was it what you wanted?" I ask. Even I can tell I'm mumbling, sleeping tugging at me. 

"What?"

"Your fantasy." 

Garrus chuckles softly. "Shepard, you're exactly what I want. That doesn't change, no matter what we're doing or how. Okay?" I nod into his chest, smiling like a fool. "But this...Spirits, that was incredible. It was perfect." My smile grows, my heart skipping. Knowing I fulfilled his fantasy fills me with pride. Especially now. 

"I want to do this with you," I murmur, nuzzling against his chest. 

"You are, kid, you are. I'm so proud of you." I feel his mouth press against my head as things grow dark, heavy, slow. Sleep wins the battle, but just before I go under, I hear Garrus say, "You were right. We're gonna be great this time."


	17. Overlord

I think the only thing worse than waking up with an alarm is waking up to the ship intercom. I know that if Joker is trying to get my attention before the alarm goes off in the morning cycle, something is wrong. And knowing that I have to get up and deal with an emergency while I'm in bed with Garrus makes it all even worse. 

Garrus groans, hiding his face in my neck. His body is wrapped around mine, my ass sitting in the cradle of hips and his arm over me. Under my pillow, our hands are connected. I'm comfortable, warm, and so not ready for an annoying start to my day. 

"What, Joker?" I call to the room. 

"We got problems with the ship cancer," he responds, voice in a pissed off growl. 

"Oh, come on, Joker," Garrus whines, tugging me closer. I can't help a smile; it's nice to know he doesn't want to get out of bed either. "You can't wait until we're up in a couple hours to complain?"

"You know, big guy, I'd love to wait until you two have had your morning delight," the pilot snarks. "But this damn robot just stole my fucking ship!" 

I sit up instantly, Garrus leaping right out of bed and aiming for his clothes. "EDI! What the hell is going on?" I shout to the room. 

"I am following orders," EDI replies, as calm as ever. "The Illusive Man sent a message to your terminal." 

Garrus snarls at that, yanking his pants up. I follow his lead and clamber out of bed, pissed off and frankly kind of insulted. "I didn't give any orders, EDI. I tell Joker where we're going, so there is no reason for us to be going anywhere under your control." 

There's a pause and then EDI says, "I was not aware that the Illusive Man did not tell you, Shepard. I...apologize. Should I give control back to Mr. Moreau?" 

"Yes!" Joker shouts. 

"I..." I take a deep breath, trying to separate what's rational and emotional right now. 

"Shepard." I turn toward Garrus. "It's not EDI's fault. You know the Illusive Man is likely to mislead EDI on purpose, just like he'd do to anyone else." I nod, sure that he's right, and take another breath while pulling on a shirt. 

"Joker, hang on with the sledgehammer for now. I'm going to check my messages, see what the Illusive Man wants, and I'll let you know the plan. Okay?"

"Aye, Commander. So long as everyone is clear on who I take my orders from." 

I wish that didn't make me smile. "Your loyalty is appreciated, Joker." I hear a chime signaling that he's off the comm line; EDI is always present, though. "EDI, we need to be clear on who you take your orders from. This is my ship. I don't care if the Illusive Man, Miranda, or anyone else gives you an order. You always check with me first. Okay?" 

"Yes, Commander. I am sorry." If I didn't know EDI is an AI, I would swear I can hear regret and even sympathy in her voice. 

"It's done, EDI. Let's just move on." I move on as well and head for my computer, ready to see this message the Illusive Man sent. This had better be good. I take the seat at my desk and Garrus comes up behind me, stopping short at the end of my desk. "You're allowed to see my emails, Garrus. Miranda has the title, but we all know who my first officer is." 

"That's...one hell of a compliment from you." He comes up behind me, resting his forearms on the back of my chair. "But don't you ever give me all that paperwork." 

"I knew you'd say that," I laugh. 

I pull up my most recent unread email, from the Illusive Man as EDI said. He sent it three hours ago; I wonder if he's in a part of the galaxy where that isn't the middle of the night. 

The Illusive Man wants me to check out a Cerberus cell on a planet called Aite where something called Project Overlord has gone badly. Whether they want me to shut it down or save it is unclear. But one thing is for certain. 

"He's worried," Garrus notes, reading my mind. The Illusive Man has emailed me about a few random missions before, sent me important details. He wrote all the dossiers. He's always come off aloof, detached. This is different. 

"The question is why. Is he worried because of what happened or because of what we'll find out they were doing?" 

Garrus sighs. "Hard to say with that guy." He presses a kiss to my head and then stands. "I'm gonna go get dressed. I'll meet you for breakfast." 

"Hey, do me a favor," I call, spinning in the chair and catching his hand. "I'm going to stay the course and check this out. Joker will listen, but he's pissed. Can you check in on him?"

"Of course." I thank him and tilt my head, angling for another kiss. Garrus smiles and delivers, lingering against my mouth softly before pulling away. He winks and then leaves the room. I want to remind him that if he moved in, he wouldn’t have to take the walk of shame down to the Main Battery in the morning, but I don't want to pressure him into that decision. 

I get dressed instead of dwelling on that and then pull on my armor. I love the look of it in the mirror, colors that are so distinctly Garrus all over me. I can be surrounded by him in public this way, too. A little shudder runs through me, a thrill at thinking about people seeing that. I wonder if anyone will know what he is to me, what he does to me. 

So much has changed. I would have been mortified at the thought two years ago and far too prideful to let anyone believe that I'm connected to someone else. My career and my independence were far too valuable. I thought those were what would matter when I died, that those would be how I left a mark on the world. 

And now I know better. Our mark is left on the people we leave behind, the people that we loved and who loved us. This time, this lifetime, my focus is on building connections that matter. This time, I want everyone to know what's important. 

Once my hair is up and I put on my new favorite lipgloss, I head down to the Mess Hall. Today, Rupert has a protein bar and a cup of coffee ready for me. I know that means we're close. Garrus and Joker aren't here and I take that to mean they're together, so I head for Miranda's office with my breakfast and I don't bother to knock before walking in. 

It's lucky I don't come to regret that since Jacob is in the room with Miranda. Garrus is convinced they're having sex but I'm not sold yet, even if he does have super senses. Jacob is sitting on the opposite side of Miranda's desk from where she paces. The distance doesn't make me think they have much intimacy. Granted, Garrus' exact words were fucking like Varren which also doesn't suggest much intimacy. 

I shake off the thought. "You have any idea what's going on?" I ask before taking a bite of my protein bar. I almost wince; how did I survive off these things alone for weeks? 

"No. I am as in the dark as you are." The tone of Miranda's voice - pissed off, indignant, and maybe even a little jealous - tells me it's true. She does not like being left out of the loop, and she obviously has been. 

"What about this Project Overlord thing the Illusive Man mentioned in his message? You were in charge of a big Cerberus project. Any chance all the project heads were on the same text chain?"

She almost smirks at that. "No such luck, Commander. It's in the tech sphere and that's all I know." 

"I've never heard of it either," Jacob notes, shaking his head. "We had a few guys come from other projects to help out sometimes but they never mentioned Overlord." 

"Well, whatever it is, the IM sounds seriously concerned about it going wrong." I chug some of my coffee, grateful Rupert knows how to make the stuff like rocket fuel. "You should come with us today, Miranda. If this is a Cerberus thing, I'd like a Cerberus person around for the mission." 

It's almost entertaining watching the little internal battle that sends her into. Miranda wants to try and convince me either that I am a Cerberus person, or that Cerberus people aren't bad. But she's torn because she knows that will get her kicked off my ground squad, and Miranda wants to be on the mission more than she wants to argue for pride. 

The smart side wins out and she nods. "I'll be at the shuttle when you need me." 

"Twenty minutes. See ya, Jacob." 

"Have fun, Shep." 

This time I head back through Mess Hall, finishing my breakfast and disposing of my cup, before going to the cockpit where I know I'll find my most favorite sniper and pilot. "Hey, if you guys are talking about Hanar sex again, can you let me know in advance?" I call from the bridge. 

I hear Garrus laugh and Joker mumble at him, "You're a dick. A big, blue Turian dick." 

"Familiar with Turian dicks, are you?" I tease, reaching the cockpit. Joker is facing his controls, steering the ship toward our destination where he'll drop us via shuttle. Soon, by the looks of things. Garrus is in his usual seat beside Joker, and he has the chair facing the pilot. He's leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and grinning. He looks at ease, young, handsome as hell.  
For a moment, for the first time, I see a flash into our future. When this is all over. It's a future worth fighting for. 

"Porn exists, Commander," Joker quips in response, tilting his head back to give me an overly sweet smile. I move to Garrus' side automatically and run my hand back over his fringe, Garrus leaning into the touch. "If you two weren't so disgustingly happy, I wouldn't need as much porn, you know." 

"Joker, I find it extremely concerning that our sex life does anything for your libido, one way or the other." Joker flips me off for that one and Garrus laughs while I bop Joker's hat playfully. "What can you tell me about where we're going?" 

"A few decades ago, the Alliance was talking about settling Aite," Joker tells me, slipping seamlessly into work mode. "But its moon is supposed to slam into the planet within the next two centuries, so no one is moving in anytime soon. We're heading to a station with some stupid name, one of a few on the planet." 

"We should take the Hammerhead down," Garrus chimes in, leaning back in the chair so he can look up at me. "Shuttle travel is possible down there, you know." He flashes those baby blues and assumes he can get whatever he wants. And in this case, since he wants a tank that basically amounts to a flying Mako, he's likely to get it. 

"You're gonna let her drive?" Joker quips. 

"Excuse me, let me? You're asking to get turned into a big, blue human bruise, Joker." They both laugh at me, and an alarm sounds to let us know that the landing pad is coming into range. 

Garrus stands and motions for me to lead him out of the cockpit. "Try to be nice to EDI while we're gone," I hear him mutter to the pilot when I turn away, patting his shoulder. Whatever Joker says in response isn't loud or clear enough to understand, but I can be damn sure it's unhappy. 

I move across the bridge and Garrus catches up easily, slipping his hand across my lower back even though we both know I can't feel it; I only know because he tugs me a little closer. "You feeling OK about this?" 

"No," I answer honestly. "Anything the Illusive Man assigns personally gets my hackles up, you know? I don't trust the guy."

"I got bad vibes when I spoke to him about the Thanix," Garrus admits. "He comes off...I don't know. Kind of slimy. If I were still a cop, I'd probably put the guy on a watchlist." 

"He's on about a dozen watchlists." We reach the elevator and wait for it to arrive, so I lean against the wall with Garrus standing in front of me. "I don't think this will be too bad. As much as he lies, he overreacts - especially about his own assets." 

"You're probably right," he agrees with a nod. "Likely, he doesn't want whatever went wrong to draw attention to Cerberus or to lose more money than necessary." 

"Yeah. But let's make sure we're geared up for any eventuality, just in case." 

"Don't we always?" I smile at him as the elevator arrives and the doors open, letting us in. Miranda is already in there, scanning a datapad. She glances up and doesn't react at all to see me, but her face definitely falls a little when she looks at Garrus. 

"Good morning, Miranda," he greets her, voice monotone instead of playful or charming the way he talks to his friends but also not tight the way he used to speak to Kaidan. So Miranda is somewhere between friend and the guy who wanted to sleep with me in Garrus's mind. I suppose it could be worse.

"Good morning." Now her tone is tight. She's already decided that they're never going to have a friendly relationship, and whether that's because he's not human or because she feels like he's taken the role she should have on my crew doesn't much matter. Miranda is missing out. 

"We're taking the Hammerhead down to the surface," I tell her, leaning against the wall across the box from Garrus. "There are multiple facilities, and if we need to travel between them, it'll be the simplest way." 

Miranda nods, and Garrus smiles. Always dangerous. "You ever been in a vehicle that Shepard was driving, Miranda?" he asks. 

"Oh, here we go," I groan, rolling my eyes at him and fighting my own smile. "I am not a bad driver. Maybe you're just sexist and don't think women can drive." 

"Don't you try to turn this on me," he laughs. "I'm not the one from a society that still holds women back. How many N7 are women, Shepard?" 

"One," Miranda answers, giving me a look that would probably be a grin on anyone with a less perfect and less manufactured face. I stick my tongue out at her, and then she actually smiles; the only real smile I've ever seen on her. "Very mature, Commander." 

Garrus laughs and leads the two of us out of teh elevator, straight to the garage. We gear up; I take my Carnifex, my assault rifle, and my shotgun. Better safe than sorry. Miranda and Garrus seem to be on the same page; Miranda brings both her pistols and an assault rifle, Garrus brings his Viper, his assault rifle, and an extra pistol. We all grab extra heat sinks and I spot Garrus adding more Medi-Gel than usual to his 'Tool. 

We're all a little on edge, I think. EDI isn't the type to break rules or try to undermine me; at least not from what I've seen so far. And the Illusive Man being secretive is definitely a bad sign. He said Project Overlord was experimenting with 'highly volatile technology.' Something about this sits badly with me. 

I'm walking my team into something completely unknown, maybe even a trap. And I'm doing it on orders from an asshole I don't trust.

"We're taking extra care today," I tell them. "Once we get down there, we keep comms on and stay locked and loaded. No exceptions. If there are hostiles, we shoot first, ask questions later. Understood?" 

"Aye, Commander," Garrus answers quickly. Miranda nods her confirmation. 

I pound the side of my fist on Garrus' chest twice before moving to the Hammerhead. "Words are important, Miranda," I call back. 

"I...what?" I don't answer her before climbing into the driver's seat, though I hear Garrus chuckling. He gets into the front beside me, Miranda in the back. 

"You know, if you're going to be a brat and tease me, you might earn that punishment after all," he murmurs, fiddling with the sight on his rifle. "We never did get around to that spanking last week." 

My mouth dries and I swallow hard, but I can't let him have control that easily. I want him to dominate me, but I'm gonna make him work for it. "Did you just call your commanding officer a brat?"

"No, baby, I called you a brat," he responds coolly, now shifting to lean on the armrest between us and look right at me. EDI gives the OK for us to drop from the Normandy and Joker confirms that he's opening the hatch. "Drive the tank, Shepard." 

I focus and take control, getting us in the air and turning on the boosters so we can lower steadily. The Hammerhead has an excellent VI and mapping system; it makes guiding the thing to our landing pad simple. Dealing with Garrus at the moment is far less than simple, though. 

"Don't panic," he breathes, keeping his voice low and deep ostensibly so Miranda can't hear but I know it's because that's the voice he uses in bed. "You're on edge about this mission and we haven't had a chance to talk through last night. Humor is your defense mechanism...but you're teasing me." 

"I - " 

"I didn't tell you to speak. Don't make this worse for yourself." 

I close my mouth and my heart stutters in my chest. I'm almost shocked that he's doing this to me on a mission but I should have realized. Garrus wants me to know that he can own me even while I own a mission. I'm not surprised I like it. 

"You asked me if I would punish you. Yes. And I'm going to punish you tonight for being a brat. So, Shepard?"

I look at him. "Yes...sir?" 

"Do not be reckless today. Do not get hurt too badly for me to enjoy spanking that pretty ass of yours tonight. And do not die. Do you understand?" 

"Yes, sir," I answer, smiling now. "Since I'm already in trouble for being a brat, can I keep pushing my luck and tell you to kiss me?"

Garrus flashes a grin. "Yes, ma'am." 

I touch the Hammerhead down and then turn, taking Garrus' face between my hands and lean in to kiss him. I don't hold back, slipping my tongue into his mouth and tasting as much of him as I can right now. Garrus is just as urgent, grabbing hold of the collar of my armor to tug me even closer. 

We both know we have to part so it doesn't last long. I linger as long as I can and meet his forehead, Garrus moving forward at the same time I do. I flash him a smile and start to pull away, but Garrus stops me. 

"I, uh...Turians don't kiss," he breathes. "But when we're in a serious relationship, when we're fully committed to someone..." Garrus pulls me back to him with a hand in my hair, bumping my forehead once more and then tilting my head back to nip my throat. I jump a little, the bite hard enough that it'll leave me at least red for a bit. "A show of intimacy and a show of ownership." 

"Turians do that?" Garrus nods, his expression a little wary now like he's not sure how I'll respond to that. Pride swells inside me. He likes kissing, I know that, but he does it mostly for me. This...this is meaningful to him. "Fully committed, huh? I like that." 

He exhales hard, the sound clearly fully of relief. "Me, too." 

We have a moment to exchange one more smile and then we have to part, climbing out of the Hammerhead which I leave armed and running just in case. We're on a landing pad outside a building that doesn't look too special at first glance. The only thing that strikes me immediately is that we're totally alone. No one is here to greet us or give an explanation or - 

"Thank God you came!" an accented voice breaks over our comms. "My name is Dr. Gavin Archer; the Illusive Man said we could expect you." 

"The Illusive Man told me nothing," I tell Archer, pulling my rifle into my hands. Now it's not just because this is the order I gave, but because Archer sounds so panicked. Downright scared, even. 

"The situation is urgent," he says. "We're facing a catastrophic VI breakout. I'll explain the details but you have to retract our transmission dish! The controls aren't far from your position. Hurry!" 

I want to ask him what the hell kind of VI breakout is a catastrophe, but I remember the Alliance VI on Luna we had to take down a couple years ago. I had Tali and Garrus with me for that and it's lucky I did because the system went totally berserk, killed a bunch of Marines, and made every system on the station useless. 

Instead of bothering with questions now, I motion for Garrus and Miranda to follow me inside. We step into what looks like a high-tech lobby, nothing immediately concerning except for the silence. But through another set of doors, we reach a flight of stairs heading down and pass our first two Cerberus agents - dead. Something tells me those will be far from the only ones. 

At the bottom of the stairs is a console on fire. The two large desks in the room are messy, like they've been rummaged through, but they're largely intact. 

"Over here!" Archer's voice cries. This time he's not on the comms; it sounds like he's in the room, but we're alone. I motion for Garrus and Miranda to clear the room in case there are any hidden areas. "On the monitor."

Sure enough, a man's face pops up on a holoscreen above one of the desks.

"Ah, there you are," he says when we come into view. "I've locked myself in a computer room on the far side of the base. There are Geth on the loose."

"Did he say Geth?" Miranda demands.

At the same time, Garrus growls. "What the fuck?"

"A rogue VI program has seized control," Archer continues. I'm thinking about smacking him and shooting the Illusive Man; how could we not have gotten a warning about Geth? "I've lost a lot of friends today. I'd hate to see you join them." 

The holoscreen shuts down and I take a break, trying to manage my temper. I have half a mind to get back on the Hammerhead and go right back to the Normandy. This place means nothing to me, I don't give a shit about Cerberus assets. I also don't care to have Geth kill me or Garrus today. 

"There's another dead agent over here," Garrus calls from the other end of the room. I head toward him. "None of these consoles has anything to explain what's going on," he says, motioning to a row of them at desks that have been abandoned. 

"I don't think anyone was looking for something specific," Miranda chimes in at the other large desk. "I think it was just..."

"Panic." She nods at me, expression tight. It's something of a relief to know that she's pissed about this, too. And she certainly has reason. She thought she could trust the Illusive Man, only to have him send her with me blind to find Geth and a rogue VI with no information. I'm annoyed but at least I wasn't betrayed.

"It's really quiet for panic," Garrus notes. "There's nothing. No gunshots, no screaming, no alarms." 

He's right. There's none of the chaos I would expect for a place under siege by geth. Feros comes to mind, and that place was madness. 

"Let's move on. See if we can at least figure out what happened." 

I lead them out of the lobby and into a hallway. Almost immediately, an announcement comes over the comms. "Be advised. This is a secure facility. All weapons must be declared upon entry, and checked with security personnel on duty." 

"We'll get right on that," Garrus snarks at the automated voice. He can't help himself and I love it. 

The nearest door is locked, but through a window we can see that there are a number of consoles inside. I want the information we might be able to get from those consoles. "Can you hack in here, Archangel?" I ask, motioning to the lock. 

"No, the locking mechanism itself has been shut down. There's nothing to hack." 

"How does that happen?" Miranda asks. 

"It's the VI, definitely. That thing doesn't want us in there." 

I frown at Garrus. "You realize that only makes me want in more, yes?"

"Yes," he laughs, "but I have an idea." Garrus leads me back into the lobby and around a side wall where we find a window into the same room. He motions at it. "Wanna do the honors?" 

Now I laugh and pull out my shotgun. It only takes two shots for the glass to shatter and rain down. With armored gloves, the remainder of the glass isn't a concern when we vault into the room. And it's worth it when we find a log. 

"Status report," a voice says. 

"That's the same guy," Miranda notes. "Dr. Archer." 

I nod and continue the playback. "Please inform the Illusive Man that we've made great strides in our research. His doubts about the lack of progress are unwarranted. A demonstration is forthcoming." 

That's all we can find here, so we unlock the door - the lock available on this side - and head down the hall into the facility proper. The next room is large and open, containing the docking controls for the landing bay and a wall-length window looking outside. The systems are all up and running, but everyone in the room is dead. 

"Most of these people weren't even armed," I note, my stomach turning. Is Cerberus at fault for this? How innocent were these people? It doesn't matter; they didn't deserve to be put down like this. 

"Memo to all project personnel." I turn at the sound of the automated voice, Archer again. This time, Garrus started the log. "I understand there's some concern about handling live Geth."

I feel my mouth pop open, my brain screaming that there's no way I heard that correctly. 

"System Error," he's cut off by another announcement. 

The room fills with a horrible, grating noise. It reminds of bad brakes combined with someone screaming, but it's not a voice or a spoken language. It's screaming but it's...not right. And then it stops just as quickly. 

"The hell is that?" I hear Garrus growl from behind me. I turn to find the screens of every console as well as the entire window - which should just be glass - covered in something...wrong. It looks like an error, the kind I get on my console sometimes, but it's off. "I can't access this, Shepard. I can't interpret it...nothing." 

"Damn it," Archer snaps, popping up over our comms. "The VI's overridden the controls. We have to stop him; he's trying to upload his program off-planet!" 

"What does that mean?" I demand, the panic in his voice terrifying me. 

Garrus answers, "It means that the VI could jump onto other systems. It could hack them, take them over. Whatever the rogue VI can do, it could do out there." 

"Destroy the antennae inside the dish. There's a tram on the lower level. Get to it as fast as you can!" Archer clicks off. 

"If the VI reaches a satellite, it could get pretty damn far," Miranda notes. 

"Did you notice that Archer called the VI 'he'?" I ask them, shutting off my comms for the moment, in case Archer pops back in. "We don't even use a pronoun for EDI, and EDI is an AI involved in every aspect of our lives." 

I watch that settle in with Garrus and Miranda, their expressions mirroring my feelings about it. Archer isn't telling us everything about this rogue VI.

"Let's shut the thing down and then figure out what the hell he's up to." I lead them through the doors at the opposite end of the room. It opens to a flight of stairs that goes down to another door, and that takes us to a balcony overlooking another section of the station. 

There are dead Cerberus agents everywhere, including draped over the railing. Some of these tried to fight back, but there are no dead geth here so I don't think any of them was successful. We head for the stairs down from the balcony, and the rogue VI screeches at us again. 

Beside me, Garrus pauses for a fraction of a section and I catch him wincing, almost reaching for his ear. If the sound is too loud, too high-pitched, too uncomfortable for me to tolerate, I can't imagine what it's like for someone with super senses. 

"Are you OK?" He just nods and continues moving but I catch his arm. "Turn your playlist on." Garrus cocks his head at me and I almost smile. "You know, your battle playlist? The one I know about?" 

Garrus laughs and shakes his head at me. "This feels like payback," he muses even as he reaches for his visor and taps a button, turning the playlist on. With it playing in his head, maybe he can get some distraction from the noise. "Good idea. Thank you." 

I nod to him, pound his chest twice, and then keep moving. The short flight of stairs down leads into some kind of lobby or lounge with a massive couch that wraps three walls. Two tables sit between them holding a few consoles, and large screens hang from the ceiling. Every screen is covered in the same code error. 

There are no living people here either. Just dead bodies, silence, and the rogue VI. 

"This is an automated security update," the station computer announces. "Geth activity has been detected. Please remain at your workstations until the all-clear is given." 

It's a morbid announcement now, considering the number of people dead at those workstations. I can't help but wonder if they would have lived if they ignored the order and ran. Knowing the Geth, probably not. 

Another flight of stairs at the back of the room leads us through a hallway and then into a very fancy cafeteria lounge area. Upon our entry, another announcement sounds. "Welcome. Today's lunch special is - " The voice is cut off by something unintelligible. " - fillet with a side of - " Another nonsense sound and then it finishes with, "egg salad." 

Everywhere we go, Garrus uses his sniper rifle to take out surveillance cameras on the ceiling and walls. He has to shoot down almost a dozen in here. It makes me anxious to see how closely Cerberus likes to watch its own people; thank goodness I have people I trust on my ship to prevent that in our lives. 

Miranda notices it, too. "Are you doing that to keep the rogue VI from watching or Cerberus?"

Garrus doesn't answer her, but he looks her right in the eye while raising his rifle behind him and shooting down another camera. Miranda looks at me; I have nothing to say. She should know better than to ask. 

We push through the cafeteria and almost stumble upon Geth at the other end of the room, we've gotten so used to being alone. They weren't expecting us either though, so the shootout starts fair. At least we can get cover in here. And we end up fighting as a pretty damn good team. 

I wasn't sure about Miranda in the field. I know that the first times we worked together - on Freedom's Progress and Omega - she was trying to prove something to me. I worried it might be the same with Garrus around. Instead, she's smoothly operating with the two of us. 

We quickly fall into a routine to take down the Geth rocket troopers and destroyers. Garrus gets their shields low with a combination of his tech skills and well placed rifle shots; that lets me take them down with my gun, or Miranda handle them with biotics. In short order, they're all gone. 

"Nicely done," I tell them both, feeling a little more confident about our chances now. I brought Miranda to rub Cerberus bullshit in her face; instead, she's going to be valuable today. "Let's clear the space; there might be something of use around." 

We search the lounge and kitchen, finding Medi-Gel and ammo right where it should be. The Cerberus agents didn't get a chance to use it. 

"Shepard, I can't help but notice that you almost never use your biotics," Miranda says while I clear out a small room with bunks, probably for the kitchen crew. 

"No, I don't. You know I didn't get exposed until I was older than most, and then I went into the Alliance for regular training." I shrug. "Never really learned to use them." 

Miranda makes a thoughtful noise that doesn't sit with me well, but when I turn to look at her, she's already walking out of the room. The person who likes to brag about how much she knows about me should have known I don't have biotics training; I wonder what made her bring it up. Now isn't the time, though. 

I find another console with a log from Archer. "Memo to all project personnel. Congratulations on your hard work. Tomorrow, we make the next leap forward. It will be a great day for Cerberus, and an even greater day for humanity." 

"Nothing involving Geth is good for humanity," I mumble at the console, aware that it can't hear me and too pissed to care. Cerberus really screwed up here. 

I rejoin Garrus and Miranda, leading them through the doors where we end up in a lobby that serves as a waiting area for a tram. There are several dead Cerberus agents all over the room, including one who is dead still in his seat; they were taken completely by surprise. 

We press through the room and move into the tram. The controls are still online, so the thing is functioning, and we get it moving right away. 

"Damn it all," Archer snaps from over the comms. "He's aligning the dish to a new upload target! He'll have a clear line of sight to our satellite. This is going to be tight." 

He clicks off and the tram starts to slow after the brief outdoor trip. We're at another piece of the building now. "Arriving at dish access," the computer tells us. 

"If this VI gets to the satellite...can it get into the Normandy's systems?" I ask. 

"Yes," Garrus answers quickly and confidently. "EDI might be able to do battle with the thing, but she couldn't shut it down, and if it found a way in..." 

"Warn Joker and EDI," I tell Miranda, already heading off the tram and into another hallway. I hear her talking as we continue on, this part of the station much more military; people don't live here. 

There are dead Cerberus agents in the hall and the walls are pockmarked by bullets. Most of the dead men and women are still armed; they went down shooting. In this area of the station, they had warning against Geth, and they still couldn't win. 

The end of the hallways takes us out onto a metal platform outside. It leads along the side of the building and then across a huge bridge to a massive satellite. As we move along, we find a few small offshoots from the pathway and clear those out. Most only have cargo and supplies. 

"Attention," the computer chimes. "Satellite broadcast window is opening soon. All upload data must be approved by your department survivor." 

"We need to get moving," I order. And then that order gets squashed immediately when a squadron of geth show up at the other end of the platform. We have almost no cover or room to maneuver, especially with the Rocket Troopers and the heavy ammo the Destroyers have. 

"Can we push forward?" Garrus asks, probably sick of having me bump him or Miranda spark him with her biotics. 

"It's gonna be close. I could maybe - " 

"No, nevermind," he interjects. When I frown at him between shots, Garrus says, "Anytime you come up with a maybe sort of idea, it's a bad idea and you put yourself at unnecessary risk. So nevermind. I'd rather you two keep stepping on me."

Miranda laughs. "It's not our fault you have such big feet." 

"Hey, do Turians say the same thing about guys with big feet?" I ask, leaning out to sneak a few shots. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Garrus replies, ducking out as I come back in to send his own shots. 

"Ask Joker," Miranda responds. "And be sure to tell him your shoe size." 

I can't help laughing so hard that my head falls back against the wall. Garrus just shakes his head at us. More than anything, I'm excited to have gotten a glance at Miranda's sense of humor. 

The ship computer making another announcement about the satellite opening kicks all of us back into gear. We need to get moving, and soon. Garrus peeks out and gives me a sitrep; we're down to one final Destroyer. They're nothing to mess with, but we're at least gonna outnumber the bastard. 

"OK, I wanna it hit all once. We'll all keep our shields up, go out together. Garrus, hit it with an overload; Miranda, just nail it with all the biotics you have. I'll keep fire heavy, and Garrus you can help with that after the overload. Clear?" 

"Aye." 

"Got it." 

I glance up at Garrus while we prepare our shields, and he's already looking at me. It's a tense moment; we're not going to be able to get away from anything the Destroyer shoots at us, and the risk is huge. 

But Garrus is calm. Always my rock. It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, considering the things he faced alone. Now we have each other. 

That thought soothes me. Garrus' little wink gives my confidence back. Now I'm ready. 

"Set. Go." 

As a seamless unit, the three of us step out from cover. Things happen quickly, but they also happen exactly as I planned. Garrus gets the shields almost completely down with an overload, and then we tear through it as a team. A few shots from the Geth get a lot closer than I'd like and our shields take some damage, but none of us gets hurt and all the Destroyer goes down in flames. 

"Very nice. Well done. Let's keep pushing." 

"Wait, I saw another log before they showed up," Miranda says, running back into the cargo room. 

Garrus grabs me the moment she's gone, hauling me up against him. His eyes pin me in place, intense and hot. "Thank you for being as cautious as you could. I know I can be overbearing with it but...you kind of mean everything to me, kid." 

"Jesus. Don't make me wanna jump your bones so bad when we're on a mission." 

He laughs and bumps my forehead briefly before releasing me, just as Miranda returns. I do my best to focus on her for the moment but damn Garrus can get me worked up. It's not just what he said, that I mean so much to him, but how different he is now. Garrus smiles without pain, and he can just be without the darkness. I make a mental note to thank Dr. Chakwas for the one million and twelfth time. One little pill a day and I have the love of my life back. 

But for now, I also have to focus on shutting down this satellite and then the rogue VI trying to escape the Cerberus facility full of geth. Maybe someday the love of my life and I can be normal for like ten minutes. 

"Another log from Archer," Miranda tells us, playing a datapad she found. 

"This is Project Overlord with an emergency message for Cerberus command. We have experienced a catastrophic security failure and are requiring assistance. We...what do you mean going comms are jammed? How can he do that?" 

The message goes dead after that. "Oh, excellent. Not ominous at all. And hey with a name like Project Overlord, what could go wrong?" 

"The Illusive Man watches his investments and his projects very closely," Miranda tells me. "This either went bad very, very quickly. Or Archer and the project team did not tell the Illusive Man until it was too late." 

"And then you and I get to clean up the mess. I hope he doesn't start making a habit of this, but let's end Project Overlord before it becomes a problem for anyone else in the galaxy." Miranda gives me a firm nod. "Good. Move out." 

We follow the platform all the way around and over a narrow bridge into the building that houses the satellite. Before we can reach the door, though, the rogue VI lets out another angry roar. This one comes from our comms and the station communication; it's accessing our systems too now, at least a little. There's no chance to worry about that now though because Geth appear on the adjacent bridge. At least here we can take cover behind the rails, and we make short work of the Geth. 

I turn to Garrus at the locked door we meet at the end of the bridge. "Wanna get us in here, big guy?" 

"No," he answers, leaning against the door. It would be a casual stance if he wasn't watching the other bridge so carefully. "You can get us in." 

"Do we have time for a lesson?" Miranda asks. She doesn't sound snarky, but I never really know with her. Unfortunately in this case, I agree with her. 

"She already learned, it's not a lesson. And the hacks are timed, so it doesn't matter who is doing it." Garrus motions toward the door. "Field test time, Shepard, let's go." 

I don't know if I should be pissed he's putting me on the spot or grateful that he clearly believes I'm capable of this. In either case, I have to open the damn door, so I step up to it with a deep breath. The system comes up, identical to what Garrus taught me on, and I recall the lesson. I also recall his hands sliding up under my shirt...and everywhere else they went. 

A beep makes me jump and then I have to stare for a moment as it clicks that I actually did it. I have hacked a door on a mission for the first time in my career. "Holy crap! I didn't think it would feel this good." 

"It should feel good," Garrus says, holding my shoulder. "You did it on the first shot. And this was the one thing you had to rely on other people for." 

"Yeah, now I can pretty much kick you off missions, huh?"

"Not funny," he growls softly. He's still grinning though so I wink at him this time, and then we go inside. 

We enter a round room full of huge pipes, towering consoles, and massive connections. There's also a shit ton of Geth in here. The battle comes to us instantly, and we take cover. The fight is complicated by the shape of the room, laid out in a complete circle; the Geth have an entire room of opportunities to get in behind us. Fortunately, I have Garrus and the two of us have hundreds of hours logged on a battlefield together. 

It's surprisingly easy to move forward with him at my back, following but in reverse. Neither of us has to look or second guess steps. When I want to move or even change direction, I don't have to tell him. I know when Garrus needs to pause or shift without needing to ask. I don't exactly know why or how it works this well, but it does. 

We're lucky to have Miranda as well. She's a good shot and an exceptional biotic, so she can support either one of us and control the center of the room. It's still not an easy fight, especially with the Geth Hunters who can go invisible and a Geth Prime joining the fight while we battle our way up the stairs at the back end of the circle. We do get there, though, reaching the top platform where the satellite controls wait. 

"You need to destroy the support struts," Archer tells us. I don't like that he's pretty clearly still watching us. "You can blow up the capacitors." 

"Easy enough." I pull out my shotgun and two shots later, the first support strut blows.

"Shepard, damn it, you should know better than to jinx us." I whirl around at Garrus' playful scolding in time to see him fire on the Geth who have arrived. The rogue VI is yelling at us again, too. We have to keep going, though. 

"Warning: Structural integrity of dish has been compromised," the announcement tells us. Helpful. 

We again fight our way around the platform, each of us taking turns shooting either Geth or the support structures. Garrus gets creative and gets a Rocket Trooper to take out one of the struts for us, but more Primes arrive and add to the pressure. It's frustrating to feel so close and have to take cover from these damn things before we can get the structure down, but finally, we get it done - the last Geth and the last strut. 

Archer's voice pops up on the comms immediately. "You've done it! You've severed the link to the satellite!" 

I want to push him, to ask more questions about what the hell is going on and demand that he meet me face to face; if the Illusive Man isn't willing to, this guy is going to have to make up for that. I don't have a chance to make a single demand though before a huge chunk of the concrete support structure comes crashing down. 

The central structure in the room cracks and shudders and then falls over sideways, sparking as it comes down like when you yank wires from a socket. It crashes far too close to any of us for my liking. And then before I can give the order to get us out of here, a metallic groan echoes through the room and draws our attention upward. 

The entire satellite is coming down. And it's going to come down right on top of us. 

This whole day is just pissing me off. "You have got to be kidding me." 

"Move!" Garrus shouts, grabbing my arm and tugging. It snaps me back to reality and we start running, back down the stairs and out of the room as quickly as we can. We get partway across the bridge before the satellite comes all the way down, and the force of the blast launches the three of us clear into the air.

We're flying then, weightless and speeding. It's an adrenaline rush of the worst kind, especially with the platform on the other side of the bridge coming up from under us fast. Too fast. I can't catch myself and get thrown down right onto my stomach, skidding forward until I hit a wall. Miranda lands on her side next to me, protected by her shield only a little, and then Garrus hits the concrete on his back. 

"Everyone OK?" I ask, already moving toward Garrus. He rolls and immediately looks for me because of course he does. At least he's moving; that's a good sign. 

None of us is injured, eggs a little scrambled but nothing that getting back on our feet and stretching won't work out. I pretend not to notice Garrus rolling out the shoulder that took the rocket back on Omega with a brief wince; it's bothered him a little since then - not that he'd ever admit it. 

Once we're on our feet, all of us turn to look at the wreckage of the satellite. It's basically a crater now. And the Geth...they really went to war for that thing. Or maybe for the rogue VI. 

"What the hell is going on around here?" I wonder aloud. 

"Man's reach, exceeding his grasp." I turn to find a man wearing a white and red Cerberus uniform, the kind I remember seeing on scientists back when I first woke up. He's panting so he ran out here, and judging by the accent, this is Archer. "Come on. I'll explain." 

Archer motions for us to follow and then heads back inside. I start after him immediately, feeling Miranda and Garrus fall in line behind me. I'm going to get some answers about all this. And if I have to, I'll shut this whole project down.


	18. Trapped

Aite might be a damn pretty planet, but I'm starting to hate everything about this day. Last night was absolutely perfect; Shepard submitted beautifully and the sex was better than ever. She even handled the crash after shockingly well, didn't shut me out or berate herself for it. Getting Shepard to acknowledge and respect her own emotions and limitations will be the hardest part of our relationship, but we're making strides. 

I should have woken her up with kisses this morning. I should have made love to her and then we should have talked about last night, debriefed and reassessed. We still have so much to talk about. Instead, we woke up to a crisis and it's been nonstop ever since. 

The Illusive Man is a sack of Varren shit. He's secretive at best, more accurately a liar. He's arrogant and makes assumptions about what other people are willing to do for him, and his moral code is nonexistent. The man has no honor, and yet he can send Shepard on missions knowing that her honor forces her to do the right thing. Always. Even at the expense of her own well-being. It's a dangerous combination. 

Today he sent us to some backwater planet with vague warnings about technology instead of giving us a heads up that there are Geth here. We were not prepared for the extent of the issue, especially since this doesn't seem to be over yet or simple to resolve. 

Dr. Archer leads us into the observation room again where we can look out at the landing pad and the planet through the wall-length glass window. He's pale but doesn't sound quite as panicked now. "You have my thanks, Commander Shepard," he breathes, walking over to the consoles with Shepard. "You bought us some time, though probably not much. This isn't over yet." 

"Who did you say you were again?" Shepard asks. I recognize it as a challenge, a push. She and I are on the same wavelength; if this guy works with the Illusive Man, we cannot trust him. 

"Dr. Gavin Archer, chief scientist at this facility," he answers, no aggression. His face falls and he adds, "And probably the only one left." 

I wonder if the guilt in his eyes is just because he survived, or because he's responsible for whatever is going on here. 

"You owe us an explanation," Shepard informs him, her arms crossed over her chest. 

Archer takes a breath. "This is Project Overlord. An attempt to gain influence over the Geth by interfacing a human mind with a VI. The results have been...less than satisfactory. Yet even amid chaos, there are lessons to be learned." He starts walking from the room, again motioning for us to follow. "My brother David volunteered to serve as a test subject, but his mind couldn't handle the VI connection." 

"Not surprising," Miranda snaps. "There was some talk of using that sort of technology for your revival, Shepard. But there is no evidence that it could work and no logical reason to believe it. It's risky at best." 

"That should be a given," I scoff, finally grateful to Miranda for the way she handled the project to bring Shepard back. 

"Yes, well." Archer clears his throat and leads us to another window. We're looking down at dismantled pieces of Geth. "He's like a virus now, infecting our networks and seizing control of any technology he finds. It's why you had to destroy the dish. Imagine if his program got off-world." 

Shepard faces him, not the window. "What's the worst case scenario?" 

"A technological apocalypse. Every machine, every weapon, every computer could be turned against us. If he hit the extranet, who knows where it would end." 

"The Illusive Man brought me back to fight against sentient machines who want to wipe out every organic being in our galaxy," Shepard notes, clenching her fist. "And you're actually enhancing their power?" 

"That's not..." Archer shakes his head, stuttering. "The purpose was to get an edge on the Geth! It's - " 

Shepard scoffs and turns away, done with him. They should all know better. After what happened to the Quarian when they created the Geth, after seeing what happened to Saren when he tried to control them and use Sovereign...this was stupid and reckless at best. 

"How does he take control of electronics?" I ask, just as tired of the excuses as she is.

"This is a hybrid intelligence the likes of which I've never seen. I don't know where the man ends and the machine begins." 

"How do we stop him?" Shepard asks. 

Archer takes another breath. "Davi...the VI has fortified itself in the main laboratory at Atlas Station. It's in lockdown now. To enter, you need to manually override security from our facilities in the Prometheus and Vulcan stations." 

I glance at Shepard to see if she noted the switch in pronouns as well. The VI has gone from 'he' to 'it' and he almost referred to the VI as David again. His brother. This is personal for Archer, and we need to keep that in mind. 

"I can give you my authorization from here," Archer continues, "but you'll have to manually reset the other two yourself. No one is left at those stations to override for us." 

"Dr. Archer." He looks up at Shepard, only barely not shrinking back. "What happens if I have to kill your brother?" 

Archer turns away and walks to one of the consoles. There's a framed photo on the desk; Archer and another young man. "Let's just hope it doesn't come to that." 

"What went wrong with the experiment?" Miranda demands, her voice tight. 

"David volunteered to interface with the VI to give it genuine consciousness. Theoretically, it should have been safe but...with an artificial intelligence, there is no such thing as safe." 

"Then you shouldn't have attempted it," Shepard snaps. 

"And what if you had never attempted to find the Reapers, Commander Shepard?" he demands, finally showing a little life. Doesn't mean I won't blow his face off. "Where would the galaxy be then? Sometimes you have to ignore the risks." 

Shepard doesn't like it, I hate it...but the guy has a point. She takes a deep breath, calming herself. I watch her clench and relax her fists. "Tell me more about Project Overlord." 

"We wanted to turn the Geth's religious impulse into a weapon," he explained, speaking slowly like we're children who need our hands held. I'm gonna smack him. "When we saw them following Saren, we realized they could be swayed. And if a proper figurehead was created - a virus with a face, if you will - the Geth might be controlled." 

"An ambitious undertaking," I allow, trying to keep the snark out of my voice. 

"And it would be the perfect weapon," Archer presses. "Victory without casualties. We could avoid war with the Geth altogether." He exhales hard. "That was the plan anyway." 

Shepard takes a breath, running a hand back over her hair. "Atlas Station. What do I need to know?"

"It's the main laboratory where all of our VI experiments take place. It's your final goal once you've overridden the lockdown. It's also..." He clears his throat, pain flashing in his eyes. "It's also where my brother became...something else." 

"We're heading out now. Send the locations to the stations to my Omni-Tool." 

"Will do. Best of luck, Commander," Archer calls as we pass through the doors and back outside of the station where the Hammerhead waits. 

Shepard is moving at a clipped pace, her shoulders tense. It's a tell that she's frustrated, and it's hard to blame her. But she'll lead us where we need to be and complete the mission. That's just who she is. And it's one reason why I love her. 

"Okay," she says as we reach the Hammerhead, turning back to us and pulling up a map on her 'Tool. "We have the locations of the Prometheus and Vulcan stations, both in driving distance." 

"The planet is going to be covered in Cerberus security mechs," Miranda notes. "Anywhere that a Cerberus base - especially a high value one - is located will be heavily guarded." 

"And the VI can likely take control of the mechs," I chime in, rolling my eyes. "Great. Cerberus needs our help, and they're going to be shooting at us all at once." 

"The Illusive Man owes us big for this," Shepard notes with a nod. "Let's get going." 

I move for the Hammerhead, aiming for the driver's side this time, and Shepard reaches for the door at the same time I do. "You can land the thing, Shepard, but let's be honest. If we need to drive to three stations intact in a tank that hovers, maybe someone else should drive." 

I can't keep the smile off my face while I say it and her scowl grows deeper with every single word. "You know, the teasing me about driving wasn't funny two years ago either." 

"Maybe not but it was true then, too." 

"You're a dick, Vakarian. Better watch how bratty you are, or I might not let you get as familiar with this tank as the last one." Her little threat rings true, getting my heart racing and a stir building in my core. 

I step a little closer, making sure Miranda is otherwise distracted, and put my hand beside her head on the door. "You talk a big game, but you'll take my cock wherever I give it to you, won't you?" I lift my hand, running my fingers down her throat slowly and letting her see my eyes drift down her body. "You're as starved for it as I am for your soft body, that sweet pussy of yours. My perfect little slut." 

"Jesus Christ," she moans, her head falling back briefly. "Why does that make me so hot?" 

"Because you know what it means to me." I lean down and catch her lips for a brief kiss. "Earning your trust so that you can be like that with me, for me, is the only thing I've ever done that I'm truly proud of." 

Shepard's emerald eyes flash and the smile that pops onto her face makes my breath catch in my throat. 

"Try not to kill us on the drive." I dodge her playful punch and laugh all the way to the other side where I climb in beside her. Shepard gets us a few feet off the ground and starts the drive, following the Hammerhead's internal mapping system. "This is a damn nice upgrade from the Mako...and I loved the Mako." 

"I have to agree. The toys that Cerberus provides are the one benefit to working for these people." Miranda makes a noise from the backseat which Shepard laughs at. 

Aite is even prettier here, the landscape rocky and raw, broken by lush vegetation and water features. "Geographic conditions indicate an aesthetically pleasing view nearby," the Hammerhead computer tells us as we approach a waterfall. "Organic life forms may wish to take note." 

"Well, it is not wrong," Shepard notes with a sweet little giggle craning her neck to see it while trying to watch where she’s going. 

We have a few moments, so I shift in my seat to look back at Miranda. "What do you think about all this? Is the Illusive Man going to be upfront with us - with you - when it's done?" 

She opens her mouth with a hard stare that makes me certain she's about to snap at me. Instead, she closes it again. Her eyes don't soften, though. "I think the Illusive Man will do what's best for the mission." 

"The question is whose mission," Shepard retorts. She's always harsher with Miranda if Miranda is being mean to me; humans never learn their lessons, though. 

"I hacked a console and found some files that were marked confidential; they were hidden and encrypted, and they weren't among what Archer or the Illusive Man sent to Shepard." 

Both women look at me for a long beat. I catch Shepard's eye and she nods, aware of my motives and approving of my methods. And then I focus on Miranda. What I want right now are her reactions. 

"Cerberus will want those files," she informs me, voice tight and emotionless. Her face is supposed to have been crafted for perfection; I don't get it. She always just looks miserable to me. 

"I don't work for Cerberus," I remind her. "If my commander wants the files, she'll have them. What she decides to do from there, I'll trust." 

Shepard reaches over and pats my knee, giving her approval. "We'll look at them together tonight. I'll keep you updated, Miranda." 

"I understand," Miranda replies, still looking at me, "but I have to encourage you to trust Cerberus. They aren't the enemy you keep making them out to be." 

I bark out a laugh at that. "Did you not see all the carnage back there?" I demand of her. "All of those people trusted Cerberus. What did they get for it? Gunned down by Geth that were there at the fault of Cerberus. That's not an incentive for me to trust them." 

"Cerberus brought back Shepard," she snaps back, a smug smile appearing. 

"And I'll be grateful for that every day for the rest of my life. But don't act like you and the Illusive Man don't have your own motives." 

Miranda folds first, looking away from me with her jaw set hard. She's not going to concede or give me an inch. I can appreciate her sense of loyalty but unless that loyalty is to Shepard, it's useless to me, to the crew of the Normandy, to our mission. 

"I've made my decision on the files, Miranda. If I think you or the Illusive Man should see them, you will. Understand?" Shepard doesn't get an argument or snark, and I turn to face the front of the Hammerhead again. Shepard supports me on this; that's all I need to know. 

She guides the Hammerhead through a passage built into a mountain, rock on all sides of us. Piping begins, built out of the rock, and Shepard manages to bump several of them. It's not until I see lava through the rock that I realize where we are. 

"Commander," Archer breaks in over the comms, "I advise extreme caution. Vulcan Station is our geothermal plant. They stopped reporting in shortly after the experi - " 

The roar of the rogue VI cuts over the comm and echoes around the tank's cabin, ending our connection to Archer. 

"Scanning area," the Hammerhead tells us. "Analysis: VI infection is present within plant machinery. Advise caution." 

It's a good reminder to double check my weapons and heat sinks. I do the same for Shepard since she's driving, and she flashes me a grateful smile. I wink in response. The thanks is unnecessary; just like Cerberus had an ulterior motive to bring Shepard back, I have a vested and selfish interest in keeping her alive. 

We have to take the Hammerhead over a river of lava, and I do my best not to white knuckle it all the way across. I don't handle not being in control of things at moments like this well, but I don't want to take that out on Shepard. 

Like we'd expect at a geothermal station, there are venting stations. Unfortunately, Shepard passes at least partially over one and the thing shoots us up into the roof of the cave. It's a jarring impact, and I nearly whack my face on the dashboard.

"Shit! Sorry," Shepard offers, a shy smile on her face. 

"I'm good," I assure her. Miranda says the same, and Shepard is more careful passing the next one. And then we reach the end of this pathway, and find the area covered in vents with no other way out. 

"The map says we have to go up," Shepard notes, holding the Hammerhead steady.

I lean forward to look through the windshield and up. The rocky outcroppings create multiple levels, and the ceiling is much higher here. "Use the vents, Shepard. We need to go up, let them send us up." 

"Creative, I like it." She listens, and my stomach drops as the Hammerhead is launched into the air at a higher velocity than I anticipated. It works out, though, getting us to the next level. Shepard giggles again, clearly enjoying our little ride. 

"Spirits, you can be so adorable sometimes," I inform her, shaking my head but unable to stop smiling. 

"Excuse you, Garrus Vakarian," she replies, feigning insult. "I am the Hero of the Citadel. I am not adorable." 

I laugh and she smirks in response, but the happiness fades quickly when we start moving and come into view - and range - of an automated turret. Shepard gets the Hammerhead behind cover and then tries to return fire but after a couple shots, it becomes clear that the tank's guns can't do anything against it. 

"We're gonna have to speed past it," Shepard says. "Hang on." She floors it, zooming past the turret and barely getting any damage on the way. 

"Nicely done, kid." 

She nods at me and keeps going, the cave structure leading us around to a huge flow of lava, including a lava waterfall. "The Hammerhead doesn't think this one is pretty," Shepard notes, pauses again to watch it. 

"It's wrong," I note. "There's something beautiful about things that deadly." I look at Shepard, taking in the most beautiful and deadliest thing in my life if not the universe as a whole. Her flush and the little smile she tries to hide only add to the beauty. 

"Getting across that is going to be a challenge," Miranda notes. 

She has a point. It's a large flow, pretty rapidly moving. There's no way the Hammerhead could stand up to something like that if the lava got to us, and the tank only hovers; it won't fly long enough to get us all the way across.

"There's enough debris," Shepard says, pointing toward some of the larger rocks floating. "I could probably hop across. You think?" She looks at me and I have to hesitate. 

I tease Shepard about driving but some of it is warranted; she's got great aim with a gun but with a tank... 

Right now, Shepard needs confidence and support, though. I promised to hold all of her burdens when I promised to dominate her. This is a burden on her right now, and it's my job to hold it. 

"I think my final wishes are up to date, so go for it," I quip. It has the desired effect and Shepard laughs even as she flips me off. Confidence returned, and now she'll make it just to prove me wrong. 

"Who gets all your nothing if you melt in this tank?" she teases on the way across. 

I laugh at that. "Actually, you do so. Congrats on the nothing." 

"That's especially funny because everything I have goes to you, too." She lands safely on the other side of the lava river and flashes me a stunning smile. "And now you can kiss my ass, big guy." 

"Gonna do something with it," I mutter, only letting her hear me. It earns me another giggle. I'm a big fan of her mood today and can't help but wonder what's the cause for it. I'd like to believe it has something to do with last night, with everything we did and said. Spirits know that it's helping me; Shepard's going to let me take care of her the way she deserves. 

"Yeah, well. You're never allowed to tease me for driving again." Almost immediately after she's done saying it, Shepard tries to turn and instead swerves right into a wall of rock. Even Miranda can't help but laugh at that. "God damn it! You shut up, you big dinosaur," she snaps, holding out a warning finger even while she chuckles. 

We continue our way through the cave system, using vents and avoiding lava. There are a few more turrets but I manage to find a weak point and take them with Shepard's shotgun while she dodges in and out of cover. Another river, another passageway, and then we reach what looks like the entrance to the station. I shoot out the surveillance camera before we get out of the Hammerhead. 

The building opens into a large parking space with a few more surveillance cameras, all of which I shoot down. I'm recording all of this on my visor; if the Illusive Man wants a record, I'll decide whether or not he can have a copy. 

Through the doors, we end up in a poorly lit area that has a lot of unfamiliar complex systems and an uncomfortable smoke clogging the air. "This place reminds me of a factory my uncle worked in on Mindoir," Shepard notes, making a face. I can't imagine her uncle ever managed to wash the smoke smell off.

"Warning," a computer announces over the intercom. "Pressure levels in valve D4 have exceeded maximum threshold. Manual control is required." 

"That doesn't sound good," Shepard mutters. 

I look around and spot a valve marked D4 as well as the console that goes with it. I have to hack in, not giving Shepard a chance this time simply because we might need to hurry. I have no idea what I'm doing, so it's lucky the control is easy to handle. Some of the smoke starts to clear, enough that we can find a short set of stairs going down and across the building. 

There's a technician dead in the middle of the room and a few others scattered throughout. It's not long before we encounter the LOKI mech and assault drones that killed them, the rogue VI screaming louder and angrier as we go. Fortunately, there are a lot of opportunities for cover in here. 

"How many is that for you, big guy?" Shepard asks from a few feet away. "No counting the turrets!" 

I scoff dramatically. "I don't need to cheat to beat you, kid." 

Shepard laughs but Miranda turns to frown at me quickly. "Are you competing for kills?" 

"Almost always," I answer. "It was sort of a tradition on the first Normandy." 

"Yeah, we saw so many Geth or husks or whatever on any given mission that to try and get out of our heads, we started the game," Shepard chimes in. 

"And one person remains undefeated." I nail another mech, taking two others out with that single shot when it explodes. Shepard copies my dramatic scoff, and I laugh at her, but glance toward Miranda again. "What do you say, Lawson? Want in?"

"I hardly think that's appropriate." 

Shepard laughs as we take out the final mechs and clear our path for now. "Nothing that's fun is appropriate, Miranda. If we take all of this too seriously, we'll never make it out alive." 

I stand with them, entering a fresh heat sink. "You'll have to deal with losing, though. And biotics don't count for kills." 

"I don't need biotics to beat you," she quips, showing fire of an interesting kind for the first time since I met her. She's a lot more intriguing than I give her credit for if she's serious and going to play along. Granted, she's still xenophobic and generally just unpleasant but maybe not all bad. 

We push on, ending up having to climb up a makeshift ramp created by a pipe when there's too much damage for us to get through the room the way it's intended. There are more dead technicians and Cerberus employees up here. At the other end of the building is a door that leads into a small room - an office with a few consoles. One of them has a log. 

"...received an SOS from Atlas Station," the recorded voice says. "Archer has declared a project emergency. We're trying to shut down the power generators to starve the VI, but it's already hacked our automated systems. I'm ordering my people to sabotage the plan any way they can." 

"Ah. Explains the mess." Shepard nods to me. 

"And I think we should follow their lead." She explains by turning around to shoot through a console and destroy it. The rogue VI immediately screams on another console, and I shoot through that screen. We continue like that, wiping out all the mechs we face and destroying any system we can. 

The fighting gets harder and the cover gets thinner as we proceed, more and bigger mechs joining the fight, but we continue on at a steady pace. When we get through, we follow a platform outside the building into an alcove and find a locked door at the top of a set of stairs. 

Shepard reaches for it but hesitates and then looks at me. I nod and offer her a smile. "You've got this." And she does, unlocking the door efficiently. "Faster this time, too. Well done." 

She smiles at me, trying not to look too excited I can tell, but the pride in her eyes makes my heart feel full. She's the most capable, talented woman I've ever met; it means the world to me that she’s starting to feel that way about herself. 

Shepard leads us into a room where we find a mech with an odd green light glowing around it. It's shooting at something - not us - and then starts kicking it over and over and over. When it turns around and notices us, it puts its hands up instead of shooting. Almost defensively. A surrender. 

I look to Shepard and see Miranda do the same on her other side. Shepard nods and we both unload, blowing one of the things arms off and putting a few new holes in it. The mech looks down at the missing arm, then raises the gun in the other hand toward us. I fire, blowing that arm off too. 

The glow around the mech fades, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say that the mech shakes its head almost like trying to recover its bearings. And then - armless - it goes running out of the room. 

"That was...weird." 

I laugh. "It must be that rogue VI, screwing with the mechs now too." 

Shepard approaches whatever the mech was so angry at and then nods. "That would explain why the VI was trying to get the mech to break the override controls. It failed, though." Instead of going wild on the thing like the mech did, Shepard effectively disables the control.

"Override of Atlas Station lockdown accepted," the station computer announces. 

Almost immediately, the window in the room becomes covered in the code, the rogue VI screeching at us. This time, the pixels don't seem quite as random though. It's almost like...

"God, is that a face?" Miranda demands, leaning a little closer but obviously still cautious of the thing even if it is just a visual. 

"The screaming," Shepard breathes. "Do you think David is trying to talk to us?"

"If the VI gained consciousness, if it became an AI, it's possible that David is trapped inside this thing," I note. "They wanted to join them but...well, do we know if the joining was complete?" 

Shepard shakes her head but before she can respond, Archer comes over the comms, a little broken up at first. "...are you receiving this? Commander Shepard, this is Dr. Archer. Please respond." He sounds fairly desperate. 

"I hear you, Doctor," Shepard responds, her own voice hardening immediately. "We've hit the override at Vulcan Station and are moving out. Shepard out." 

She ends the call. I know this means that she's given up on trusting Archer, on having any sort of relationship with him that benefits either of them or Cerberus. He's either the enemy or at least not on our side. I approve...but I'm surprised when she looks up at me. I can see the need for approval in her eyes. Or maybe not need. Just...want. 

"Good call," I tell her, deciding the why isn't important right now. 

We head back the way we came and don't have to go far before we find the armless mech running back and forth, aimless and chaotic. 

"What the hell is it doing now?" Shepard demands as we watch it literally bump into a wall and then pause like it's surprised. 

"Now I'm pretty certain the VI hacked it," I tell her. "And when he bailed, he essentially left it hollow. Mechs need a directive, and this one doesn't have one." 

Shepard looks back to the mech, her expression almost sympathetic. And then she puts it out of its misery, one more bullet to the head. It's for the best. 

We head back outside and toward the Hammerhead, but Shepard slows when we near. When she turns toward me with a mischievous little smile, something primal and hot stirs inside me. "Wanna drive?" she asks. 

"I wasn't born yesterday, Shepard. What's the catch?" 

"A bet." Now I'm very intrigued. And even more into Shepard's mood. "I bet that you will hit at least one rock or wall or other easily avoidable object, from now until we leave." 

"If you both hit walls, I'm leaving," Miranda announces, climbing into the tank and leaving us alone. 

"The stick up her ass is bigger than any Turian's," I note with a laugh. "But you have my attention. What are the terms?"

"If I win, you have to announce in front of the entire crew that I am a better driver and a better shot than you," she tells me, cocking her hip in that way I like so much. I laugh, copying her position and crossing my arms over my chest. 

"Alright. And what about when I win?" 

Her smile only grows. Damn she's beautiful. "If - and that's a big if - you win...you get to choose your prize. No exceptions. Whatever you want." 

"Spirits." I glance back toward the Hammerhead to make sure Miranda isn't watching too carefully before shifting my codpiece so it puts less pressure on my groin. "What I don't want is an erection in my armor - again." 

"I did promise to keep you hard all the time," she notes, the mischief in that grin becoming downright sexy. "Do we have a bet?"

"Hell yes," I answer, fighting the urge to jump her right now. "And I promise to spend the rest of the mission coming up with an appropriately creative prize." 

Shepard steps closer, only just not touching me, and drops her voice low when she replies, "I'm looking forward to delivering, big guy." Green eyes drop suggestively to scan me and then she walks away, leaving a swirl of cinnamon and citrus lust. 

I wonder if she knows just how badly she's going to need to pay for this later. 

I get behind the controls of the Hammerhead and take off, following the VI's directions for Prometheus station. We have to cross near that waterfall again, and as we get close, Shepard leans forward eagerly. I angle the tank for her window to have the best view and then I slow. 

"You're doing that on purpose," she notes, practically pressing her nose against the glass. "And I adore you for it." 

I choose not to comment, giving her a moment to appreciate something beautiful and natural - a rare thing when you live on a spaceship and hunt sentient machines. And then I take off, putting the Hammerhead through its paces. It controls beautifully and has pretty nice acceleration; I take advantage of both while navigating the landscape smoothly.

"You are the cockiest bastard in the universe," Shepard jokes, laughing and shaking her head at me. "Any opportunity to show off, huh?"

"I believe you gave me this opportunity, Commander," I remind her, taking a turn sharper than I need to just to prove a point. "And you say cocky, but I prefer aware of how incredible I am." 

Shepard scoffs but tries to hide her smile, and I can hear Miranda cough in the back to try and cover up her laugh. Unfortunately, we all have to stop laughing when we come across a series of turrets. Shepard and I switch roles, her shooting them down while I keep us moving in and out of cover. 

"If this planet is only supposed to be a research station, why the hell is there so much security?" Shepard asks. I'm not sure if she's specifically asking Miranda or just wondering aloud. "I mean, obviously they're worried about attacks." 

"Do I need to remind you that both the Alliance and the Council consider Cerberus a terrorist organization?" Miranda responds, her defenses already raised. 

I almost laugh but manage to squash it. "Acting like a terrorist organization and guarding secrets so violently is not helping the way the Alliance and the Council see you," I note. "Not to mention things like illegal Geth research." 

She doesn't respond before I guide the tank into a small ravine under a waterfall. It leads us to what the Hammerhead computer announces is Prometheus Station. I give Shepard my best grin. 

"OK, fine. You're an ass, but you win." She narrows her eyes at me, still smiling. "You're not gonna tell me what you'll take as your prize, are you?" 

"Not a chance," I laugh.

"Oh, you are a...what the..." Shepard trails off and leans forward in her seat, gawking at what emerges through the windshield. We've found Prometheus Station, and while I knew it was on the edge of a cliff per the map, nothing could have prepared me for this. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Do you think it's a giant ass Geth ship? Because yes," I snap, slapping the controls with my frustration boiling. "What the hell were these people thinking?"

"The Illusive Man...he can't have known about this." Miranda doesn't sound like she believes herself. It seems hard to be sure of anything right now while staring at a downed geth ship that has been turned into a research station. I have trouble imagining the level of hubris a person would need to think they can be safe screwing around not only with Geth but with their ship. Did we learn nothing from the Quarian and their exile?

"I hate Cerberus more every day," I growl, fighting the urge to turn around and glare at Miranda. She's the closest I can get to the actual body of the issue, and I want to tear her apart right now. I have to walk Shepard inside that fucking thing. 

"Regardless, we have to find a way in. And that," Shepard says, pointing at the massive round shield covering the only entrance we can see from up here, "is going to be an issue."

"Not as big as all of those," I note, pointing at the various shields all over the field. "Geth use those shields for their generators, remember?" She nods.

"Might as well get started." She motions for me to take the tank down into the valley and I do so, driving more cautiously now.

"Scanning area," the Hammerhead announces. "Analysis: Generators are providing power for the main shield. Warning: The VI infection has assumed control of the Geth cannon."

"Oh, shit," Shepard groans, all of us looking toward the massive cannon set up at the 'head' of these ships. We've seen them in action; the Hammerhead won't be able to stand up to it.

"Warning," the tank computer continues. "We are being targeted."

"Oh, shit! Move!" I don't need the command, already speeding across the field and to cover. Fortunately, the targeting and blast system is extremely slow; by the time the cannon fires, it's aimed several feet behind us. "We need to get that cannon and the shield down to get inside, and we need the generators down for that."

"The Hammerhead's cannon is going to be useless while the shields are up, and I don't know that we have time to take them down." Even while I say it, I'm forced to dodge the geth cannon again.

"I bet that thing could take the generators down real quick," Shepard notes, pointing back at the cannon. I blink at her, confused for a moment...but she's absolutely right.

I swoop the Hammerhead around the field and into position. "Beautiful and brilliant," I muse, shaking my head. "I'm a lucky man, Shepard." 

A flush rises in her cheeks that I'm forced to ignore for now. The cannon is helping, but the longer we're out here, the more likely we are to get the Geth coming to us. 

"Miranda, can you use your biotics to keep lowering the shields?" Shepard asks. "Garrus, if you can do the same with your 'Tool, it'll make all this faster." I should have realized we'd be on the same page. 

"Grab the controls," I tell her, motioning for her to come to me while pulling up what I need on my Omni-Tool. I wonder if she knows that the illegal upgrades to my overload are what makes me so effective at taking out shields like these; Omega was a hellhole but living in a place like that has benefits. 

Shepard shifts out of her seat and quickly crosses the space to mine. I slide over, letting her sit on my lap for a moment before we switch and I move back into her seat. The battle goes much faster now, the shields weakened before the cannon blasts them and then the Hammerhead wiping out the generators quickly. 

Once the shield around the cannon is down, we take cover again. Miranda continues to throw her biotics at it and I switch to my pistol, both of us teaming up with Shepard and the tank to get the thing down. And down it goes, with a rather satisfying plume of fireworks. 

But now the part I'm dreading begins. Shepard hasn't been as reckless lately since we talked about it, but nothing about walking into a geth ship feels logical to me. I realize we don't have many options, but I don't have to like it. 

We park the Hammerhead and walk up a ramp, through the entrance built into the side of the ship. The only one here to greet us is the ship computer, coming over the comms. "Attention visitors. This Cerberus facility contains a hazardous AI technology. By continuing, you agree to assume liability for all personal injuries or death that may occur during your visit." 

"I should have boosted my life insurance policy this morning," Shepard grumbles. If I thought she was joking, I'd tell her it's not funny. Instead, I know she's just as concerned as I am. I think that's worse. 

I shoot out the camera in the entryway, and then we proceed through the only set of doors to get into the station. It's a large, mostly open space that looks like it was used for a lab of some kind. A bad kind, considering the Geth Destroyer in the middle of the room. At least it isn't attacking; it's trapped and frozen inside some kind of shield. 

Miranda finds a log on a console. "Now we just got word Atlas Station wants a dozen more geth for the experiment. I hope this means a breakthrough is close." 

"Jesus," Shepard breathes. One day I'll need to ask her who that is. Almost every human I've ever known has evoked him when they're pissed off or upset or awed. The guy either did something really good or really bad. 

We take a flight of stairs at the side of the room and it takes us up to a platform which we follow around to the other side of the room. Geth favor function, not form, so there aren't a lot of alcoves the way Turian ships or the Normandy might have. Through that door, we find a long hallway with a few doors and a console at the far end. Shepard leads us to the console first. 

"Lanigan just ran a simulation," a man's voice says on a log. "If these geth ever wake up, there's a 98% chance we'll be dead within two minutes. I'm starting to hate Lanigan." 

"Do you ever just wish you could shake people and tell them to trust their instincts?" I wonder aloud. "I mean, this guy obviously had a bad feeling about this. It's a shame he didn't run. You just know we're going to find his body here somewhere." 

Shepard frowns up at me but nods and turns away, a weight on her shoulders. I reach for her, tugging her ponytail lightly. It works, the playfulness lightening her expression and her eyes immediately. None of us is enjoying this, but I'm not going to let her suffer. 

We head back the way we came, but two of the three doors have no lock available. It means we pick the only available door and that opens into a flight of stairs, going right up to another door. Inside, a hallway splits into three doors. I move for one, planning to hack through it, and then the lock disappears. 

"The fuck was that?" I turn to find that there's now only one door with a lock. It's our only choice. 

"The VI is controlling us," Miranda mutters, sounding a little shaken - if that's possible for Miranda. 

Shepard takes a breath and heads through the unlocked door. "It's not like we have a choice." She's right, but I stay close anyway. It's hard not to believe that this is a trap. 

It's just a small alcove...full of downed or deactivated geth. It doesn't look, at a glance, like these have done any battle but it's unnerving to be in the same room with them. Since we can't do much more in here, we turn and go back the other way. Now another door is unlocked, and we take that one instead. This way, we find a couple more impenetrable doors and a console with a log. 

"Halloween was yesterday." It's the same man as before. "Lanigan ran out wearing spare geth parts. Spooked the shit out of everyone. Now I definitely hate him." 

"Lanigan was a dick," Shepard mutters, nodding to the log like she's validating the speaker. 

We continue through the ship, forced to go in exactly the direction the VI wants us to go in by shifting locks on doors. Usually they don't change until right before we reach them, like the VI wants us to know that it's screwing with us. Or maybe David is. 

At some point, we come across a downed chunk of metal, blocking our path. It looks like a door used to be there but was blown out, internal pieces of the door and wall hanging down. We hop over to find what looks like a tech room, a lot of destruction, and more downed geth. 

There was definitely a battle in this station. The question is why it stopped. And when or why it'll start again. 

We head back in the other direction, finding a dead Cerberus agent in the hall. He has a datapad on him, and I play the most recent log. "Everything's off-wire! Archer's declared a lockdown, but our station's already infected. What does the VI want?" the voice demands, cracking with panic. "It keeps screaming at us - nobody understands!" 

We press on, entering another open space. Shepard tells us to spread out and look for anything of value, anything we might need to figure out what's going on, but I can see the tension in her jaw. Something is wrong. 

I glance to make sure Miranda isn't too close, and then follow my girl. "Hey." She looks up at me. "What's going on?"

"Really?" She laughs and motions around us. 

"No, that's not it. Something else is on your mind, I can see it." She winces and looks away quickly, but I catch her hand. "Hey, easy. Talk to me." 

"This thing," she motions around us to the interior of the geth ship, "feels a lot like a Reaper. Especially considering all the AI. I'm just...uncomfortable, I guess." 

"Anyone who could be inside this thing and not be uncomfortable should get checked out," I note. "This is creepy at best." 

"Yeah." She sighs again and shakes her head a little. And then it all clicks for me. 

"Shepard." I reach for her wrist and pull her to turn toward me. "Look at me." She responds to the tone of voice, one she should recognize now and clearly does, and then meets my eye. "You are not infallible, and no one expects you to be. You have the same reactions any of us would. That's okay." 

"It doesn't really feel okay," she admits, frustration coming through in her tone. "I'm supposed to be carrying all of this. If it scares me, how do I convince other people not to be scared?"

"You don't; that's not your purpose. Even if they're scared, we'll stop the Reapers and save them. Shepard, we'll do that even if you're scared." I can see her settle a bit, so I tug her earlobe and offer a smile. "And you're not carrying any of this alone. I have you."

This time when she sighs it's a heavy exhale and it comes with a release, her body collapsing heavily against my chest. I hold her, knowing that she'll pull away in a moment because we have work to do, but that both of us need this right now. 

And then we get back to it, Shepard walking a little more steadily now. If that's my only victory for the day, it's a damn big win. 

"There are almost no dead bodies in here," Miranda notes, returning to us. "In the other stations, they were everywhere. Here there have been maybe a couple." 

Shepard hacks into a console and plays the log. "The VI's closing some passages and leaving others open. It's like it's herding us. At least the geth are still dormant." 

The log cuts off when the rogue VI screams again. It's hard to not feel like it's getting more aggressive, especially when what the logs are saying feels a little too close to home. 

We search the room but don’t find much, and then we find an absolute mess through a door at the end of the hall. It's flooded, partially blocked by a beam, and there are downed wires all over. Still nothing to shoot at us, though. 

In the next room, we find a room with a series of platforms over water - which explains the flooding in the last room. We can't get through the room, though, only going up a ramp to a console. It has a map that looks like the station, including the pathway to the override controls. The question is how to get over there. 

The console has controls, and I test one out. They move the floor panels. I can work with that. And I do, managing the controls and moving the panels like a puzzle until we have a path across. "Nice!" Shepard chirps, pounding my chest twice rapidly. 

"Yes...very nice," Miranda chimes in, looking down at the console and shaking her head. "You're...very capable, Vakarian. Clearly an asset." And then she just walks away, back down the ramp. 

"If we weren't in a geth ship, that would be the weirdest thing that happened today," I joke, keeping my voice down. 

Shepard laughs and rolls her eyes at me. "You're getting her to warm up to you, Vakarian. Such a charmer." She throws me a wink and then heads off, following Miranda back down and then leading us across the room. The override controls are available now, and Shepard uses them. 

"Override of Atlas Station lockdown accepted," the ship announces.

Instantly, the VI's face pops up again. It's even more human this time. It's David, and that makes me nauseous. I'm distracted from it by a noise behind us, and we turn to find one of the downed geth coming back to life. 

David took control of them. And there are a lot of them on our way back out of here. 

"And there's the catch," Shepard groans. "I knew this was too easy." 

"Hostile geth activity detected," the station computer announces as we fire our first shots on the enemy geth. "Armed response is authorized. Cerberus reminds all personnel that this emergency is now classified. Disclosure to outside parties is a violation of your confidentiality agreement." 

I scoff and look toward Miranda but don't have to say a word this time. "Yes, yes, I know. I realize how that sounds," she growls out. "I realize it's an issue." 

"Do you?" Shepard presses, ducking behind cover to exchange her heat sink. "I really hope so, Miranda. I genuinely hope that you're coming around to loosening the leash Cerberus and the Illusive Man have on you, because I believe that without it, you might actually make for a good person. Maybe even a friend." 

Miranda pauses completely, forgetting to fire or even watch her targets for a moment. She just freezes and stares at Shepard. I know in an instant that no one has ever said anything like this to her before. I'm not sure if that makes her attitude in general better or worse. 

She gets it together either way and Shepard keeps us moving, pushing back through the ship the way we came. It trembles around us, and I don't want to consider whether it's coming to life or falling apart. The fight to get out is hard, the geth more familiar with the ship and the damn ship full of them. The ship computer continues to make announcements about various areas of the ship coming back on, the geth taking control of their lives again. And it's a lot of them. 

When we finally make it back to the first room, the Geth Prime that had been in stasis is active and pissed. The room just about floods with other Geth, so many I'm starting to worry about my ammo supply. The ship has no air flow, no AC, so we're all sweating and panting by the time we get them down and escape. Even the perfectly crafted Miranda collapses into the backseat of the Hammerhead. 

And this is not over yet. We still have one final station to take back. We still have to face the rogue VI. We still have to rescue David. 

*****

"Commander, you've done it!" Archer cheers over the comms almost as soon as we're back in the Hammerhead. "The lockdown has been canceled. We can end this nightmare! You need to go to Atlas Station, find the main server room, and shut down the VI experiment." 

I confirm with him quickly and then end the call. There's still something off about him and all of this. I can't help but wonder what happens to David when we shut down the VI experiment. Or why Archer doesn't mention it. 

Garrus shifts beside me from the driver's seat, checking his supplies and giving his guns a quick wipedown. Miranda is doing the same in the backseat; she had to switch to relying completely on her guns because the use of her biotics got too exhausting. We've been down here for hours, fighting for all of that time. And we aren't done. 

"Now's a good time for either of you to swap out if you need it," I tell them, taking their lead and checking my guns and ammo. "No judgment, it won't be held against you. I understand and respect it." 

"You're shitting me, right?" Garrus asks, giving me a dry look with narrowed eyes. 

I laugh. "Yeah, I kind of thought you'd refuse. I had to offer, though." 

"You can save your breath," he replies. "The last time you left a ship without me will be the very last time, Shepard." 

It's not a suggestion, and he's not teasing. I have no doubt that it’s something of an order, and unlike just about every other order I've gotten in my career, I have no urge to fight this one. 

"Yes, sir," I respond, keeping my voice soft so it's private even if not just for him. 

Garrus' eyes snap back to me in an instant. He doesn't have to speak for me to see the words in his gaze. Good girl. 

"I'm not going anywhere either," Miranda announces, either oblivious or polite. "If this is a Cerberus mistake, there is no one on the ship more responsible for handling it than I am." 

"I'm grateful to you both," I tell them, patting Garrus' arm and nodding to Miranda. "We'll get the hell out of here as quickly as possible, and then I owe you both a dip into my reserve whiskey stash." 

Miranda chuckles. "I won't say no to that." 

Garrus gets us back into the air with the Hammerhead, on the way to Atlas Station. We encounter yet more turrets but we've become old pros at them by this point. The nav system leads us under another waterfall and then up a ramp that heads to a tunnel built into the rock walls. It leads directly into a garage where we land and park. Even out here, there are dead Cerberus agents. This isn't going to be like the last station. 

We move inside, the first door leading us into a room like a lobby. Archer returns to the comms immediately. "Looks like you're in, Commander. Good. I'm getting some troubling readings from here, though. The VI is trying to upload its program directly from your location. Get to the server room and shut it down before - " 

"Archer Log 155.2." Same voice. Same comm channel. But this one is recorded. This one is from David. "For years, my brother's condition has been a handicap. That changed today. His autistic mind is the breakthrough I've been looking for. He can communicate with the geth. Such a tremendous grasp of mathematics. It seems serendipity is alive and well in the 22nd century." 

My stomach hits my shoes, and I'm honestly shocked I don't just vomit. It's replaced by a hot rage. "David is autistic?! What the fuck was Archer doing?"

"Completely unacceptable, by anyone's standards," Miranda chimes in, pacing now. "If the Illusive Man knew about this, I..." She trails off like she can't find the right words. 

"Wait, wait," Garrus interjects, his hands up. "Why does him being autistic make so much of a difference?" I just stare at him for a moment and he shakes his head. "I don't know what that is.”   
Oh. Right. 

"Palaven has no mental healthcare or conversations, right. Autism is a neurodivergence. Everyone with it is different but mostly it's a different way of communicating, understanding, expressing. And Archer called it a handicap, which tells me David struggled." I shake my head, trying to control my rage. "Archer told us that David volunteered. If David couldn't understand what he was really volunteering for or the risks..." 

"Then he was forced or coerced, even if he agreed," Garrus finishes, his face hardening. "And David is his brother? Why would he treat family like this?"

"Because he's scum," Miranda snaps. "We need to end whatever is happening here and then we need to turn Archer over to the Illusive Man." I frown at her and Garrus openly scoffs, but she holds her ground. "At the very least, he doesn't tolerate failure. Archer will be dealt with." 

"We'll talk about what to do with Archer when we're done," I decide, waving it off for now. We have enough to deal with, and I want to get my team out of here as quickly as I can. They aren't going to last forever and neither will I. 

We enter the station and proceed to the doors at the end of the hallway. There are two. The one dead ahead is locked, but the other is open. And then David's VI face flashes on a glass window beside the door to our left before the locks switch. Forward is the only option. 

It goes on like that through the rest of the station. There are dead agents everywhere, and David leads us wherever he wants us to go by switching doors. I don't know if he's taking us in the right direction or not, but something tells me to follow his path. Of course, we don't really have another option. But still. Instincts count for something. 

David sends us into an office space full of dead bodies and plays another log. "Archer's Log 157.8. Unless he sees results, the Illusive Man is shutting us down next week. I have no choice. I'm going to tap David directly into the neural network and see if he can influence them. The danger should be negligible. David might even enjoy it." 

"He doesn't believe himself," Garrus notes, his tone disgusted. It matches how I feel. This mission has officially shifted from helping Archer recover from whatever happened here to rescuing David from whatever Archer did to him. 

We find an elevator at the end of the room and call it up to our level, taking cover just in case it's full of things that want to kill us when we get here. The display beside the elevator tells us that the elevator steadily climbs from Level 0 to Level 6, stopping one floor below us. The station computer announces, "System malfunction," and then the elevator starts back down. I call it again but the same thing happens. 

"Fuck. David, if you want our help, you should let us get to you. And yes, I realize I might just be talking to the walls." 

Garrus laughs at me, making me smile, and then heads for a console. He does something that at least gets the elevator to pause. Something else sends it back down again but then he tries a new tactic, and it finally reaches our floor. 

We take cover again and David lets out another angry mechanical howl before the doors open. A Geth Prime is standing right behind them, with a Geth Trooper at its six. We take them out before they can even get off the box, and then we toss them off before stepping inside.

The elevator moves down one level and then immediately back up while David makes some kind of noise. It's not a scream this time. Maybe he's trying to talk to us? I don't have a chance to listen before a rapid change in direction sends all of us stumbling, Garrus catching my elbow. 

"Please contact facility support," an automated message calls. 

Alarms start going off and red lights begin flashing, just before another change of direction comes too fast and too hard. 

"This elevator is not in service. Please choose another." 

"A little late!" Miranda cries, the elevator now smoking while it continues to jerk us up and down violently. 

"Smoke detected. Please extinguish all cigarettes. This is a non-smoking facility." This computer is really useful.

Suddenly, David sends the elevator absolutely flying upward, so fast that we can feel gravity pulling us to the floor. At the last moment, he switches direction and we all fly right off our feet. Somehow, thanks to the magic of Turian reflexes, Garrus grabs me mid air and tucks me into him so that when he hits the ground beside Miranda, I'm cushioned against him. 

"Not fair," Miranda groans, pushing back to her feet. I just laugh and get up, extending a hand down to Garrus as if I could possibly lift him. The three-hundred pound Turian humors me though, taking my hand while getting himself off the floor. 

At least the elevator ride from hell is over; the doors open and we get off - Miranda darting out quickly like she's afraid it'll start moving again. 

The room that David lets us out into has a series of Geth attached to an odd sort of machine in the middle of the room. None of them are attacking us or even moving. We've learned not to assume that doesn't mean they won't attack, but I let them go for now. 

David has more to tell us anyway. "Archer's Log 168.4 I'd be lying if I said no harm could come to David. His autistic mind is as alien to me as an actual alien. Anything could happen when we plug him in. But I have to try, don't I?"

"No, you did not," I snap at the log, needing some kind of release. 

"It's totally irrational," Garrus muses. "He's using systems that he doesn't understand on a person he also doesn't understand. There is no way any of this could have gone right. How is it possible no one questioned or stopped him?" 

Miranda just shakes her head, pale and eyeing the connected Geth. There are other dead Geth around the room too. I wish Tali was here; she could completely deactivate the damn things before David can control them. 

Garrus moves to a console and hacks through it, unlocking the door that lets us out of the room. David doesn't sound happy but doesn't stop us either. There's only one unlocked door in this hallway, but before we can use it, the unlock symbol actually moves across the wall and to the other door. David is definitely leading us. 

And he's led us right to the server controls. 

"Get ready," I warn them. "I wouldn't be surprised if this button summoned a Reaper." 

We all step in cautiously. There are dead Cerberus techs around, but it's eerily quiet in here. There are a number of consoles and systems, all of them on but none familiar - although that doesn't mean much coming to me. 

"Garrus, can you figure all this out?"

He lifts one shoulder, focusing on one of the consoles. "I should be able to. I just might need a couple minutes." 

Hopefully we have that much time. 

One of the consoles in the center of the room seems to be in a standby mode, like when I come back to my console after leaving it on. I tap the screen to wake it up and feel a spark shoot up my hand. I want to jerk back but find my hand stuck. 

A green light crawls off the screen and over my hand, spreading enough that I can see code fragments...just like David makes. In the next instant, the massive screen in front of us is overtaken by the VI face and my head explodes with the sound of David’s roar. 

I can move my head, and I look around wildly, expecting Garrus to already be on the way to rescuing me. Instead he's...a hologram? Miranda, too. The whole room changes, turning a soft orange that makes everything look like it's a console screen that I'm trapped inside. But Garrus and Miranda don't seem to have noticed. And I can't call them for help. 

Trapped. Stuck. Helpless. My heart starts racing, and my breath catches in my throat, panic rising. 

I can feel my body moving, but I'm not doing it. I'm not in control. David has taken me. When I try to fight it, my body rebels and pain surges through my head and down my spine. My legs give out, and only when I hit the floor is there a flicker, Garrus and Miranda both startling like they hadn't seen me move at all. 

Garrus is beside me, speaking, but I can't hear him well. It's like he's speaking under water or...or outside the console. God. I want to reach for him, throw myself at him, but I can barely breathe and I can't move. The pain from the last attempt at movement is still echoing through my brain. 

Someone moving catches my attention, and I look up to find a hologram of three men in Cerberus uniforms walking out and then down the hall. They're with me, in this...console or wherever - however - David has trapped me. And that means he wants me to see them. I'm supposed to follow them. 

I stop fighting and let David get me to my feet. I can feel Garrus pulling at me when I start to walk but I can't stop. Or he can't stop me. David won't let him. I don't know how. 

"Shepard, wait." I finally hear that, hear Garrus clearly when I step through the door into the hallway. David lets me turn, lets me look Garrus right in the eye...and then he slams the door shut so that we're separated. Something hits the door hard enough to make it shake, and I know that was Garrus. He's panicking, he's hurting, and I'm stuck out here. 

There's a jolt, and then I have control of my body back. The world is still wrong through, the walls covered in code. I almost want to rub my eyes, my brain telling me it's seeing something wrong, but I know my vision isn't the issue. 

"What the hell are you doing?" I demand to the room. "I am trying to help!" 

The holograms of those men appear again, and this time they walk through the doors at the end of the hall. David isn't forcing me anymore but I don't see any other options, so I follow them. At least I can pull my weapon again. 

The first thing I see through the doors is David's face on the wall. There's a lot of mechanical garble like he wants to say something, but all that comes out is one word in a scream: "STOP!" 

I don't know if that's pain or fear. 

Geth appear from down the hall, aiming their weapons at me. I know that they're here but they're green. Still, they are shooting at me and so I return fire. And I hit them. But they don't fall down dead. They...pixelate. And then fade. They're virtual. 

Maybe I'm virtual. Maybe I'm not even really here. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I am entirely alone. Even before I got locked out of the room and away from Garrus, he couldn't reach me. I couldn't reach anyone. I'm stuck and isolated and...

Garrus' voice rings through my mind. Deep, slow, melted chocolate. I can hear him like he's in the same room, I can feel the way his voice brushes over me. "I have you." I keep replaying that in my head, clinging to it like a lifeline. I'm not being spaced again. I'm not dying. I'm not alone. "I have you." 

I follow hallways back the way we came and then into a familiar room. It's a lab we passed through, but now a virtual Dr. Archer is here. He's standing with someone else in a Cerberus casual uniform, similar to one in my closet. He looks younger than Archer, and he's wringing his hands while rocking back and forth on his feet. David. 

I step closer and can hear him repeating something. "Square root of 906.01 is 30.1. Square root is 912.04 is 30.2." 

"Time on this project is running out," Archer replies, obviously ignoring him. "There are no options left. How to get the Geth's attention?"

A speech pattern of noises I recognize distinctly as Geth emerges, and it takes me a moment to realize that it came from David. He can speak Geth. And the Geth actually replies to him. "The robot says hello." 

Archer looks just as shocked as I am. "Eureka! David, you're a miracle worker." 

The visual stops and then in a different part of the lab, a bright green bundle of pixels pops up. I can't help but feel like I need to touch it, so I do. And then the room shifts from orange to green, and David and Archer come back. 

"Square root of 906.01 is 30.1. Square root of 912.04 is 30.2.

Archer turns around to face David. "David, can you repeat my notes from Thursday's experiment?"

"Square root of 918.09 is 30.3." 

"David!" Archer snaps. "Please pay attention." 

David's hands fly to his ears and he cries out. "Loud! It's getting loud in here." 

I watch Archer deflate just a little, but his posture says frustration more than guilt. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. Would you mind repeating my notes from Thursdays experiments?"

"Log 137.3. The experiment yielded no discernible pattern of geth obedience. End dictation now, David. Hell, the Illusive Man will have my head for this." 

"Thank you," Archer replies. His posture changes, and he shifts closer to his brother. His younger brother. There is love here. "And how are you feeling today?"

"Square root of 924.16 is 30.4. Earplugs would be good." There's a lot of love from David. God, I hope that love wasn't abused. 

They disappear, and then another blob of pixels pops up in another part of the room. I approach it again, and when they come back this time, David and Archer are standing beside one another. There's staring at a Geth connected to one of the machines I saw earlier, and there's another Cerberus tech dressed like an engineer nearby. 

"David," Archer says, "I want you to order the geth to take a step forward." 

David mimics the geth language. The Geth is attached to the machine so it cannot actually move, but it's arms and legs to start moving. It's following a command to start moving forward. He did it. Holy shit. 

"How does he do it?" the technician asks, barely keeping his jaw off the floor. That shock is an emotion I share. 

"David is a mathematical savant." David sits down on the floor right there, leaving the others in the room standing and staring down at him. Archer isn't concerned. "His autistic mind can interpret the geth language at its most basic form and mimic their phonetics. With his photographic memory, cross-referencing the meaning is a snap. He's literally a human computer."

My fist balls and I snap, "He's a person." I know Archer can't hear me, I know he's not even really here but...God, I hate him. I hate this.

"And you think he can interface with the geth's neural network?" the tech presses.

"I do," Archer replies.

Another Cerberus tech comes into view and asks, "Is that even safe, Doctor?"

Archer doesn't hesitate, doesn't even blink, doesn't look at David before he answers, "I see no harm in finding out."

The image fades again, and the room turns back to the orange glow I'm almost beginning to find comforting when compared to the green. That can't be a good sign. 

I push forward, ending up back into the room where the Geth were connected to a machine; now, I recognize it as a Geth neural node. And now, the virtual geth are disconnected from it and shooting at me.  
We get into a shootout, Geth just as deadly in the virtual world. And so are bullets...I think. Except that they're bouncing off surfaces, making whatever they hit all pixely and weird. They aren't real. Part of me wonders if I could get shot and not even get hurt by the bullets. 

I wonder if I could get out of this by finding out. Maybe by challenging the virtual reality enough...

No. Garrus would freak. He's probably already freaking, really. God, locked inside that room without me, no way to get to me. Could he even see me if he were here? Where the fuck am I? And Garrus is going to be so, so pissed that I was reckless enough to touch that first console. 

I can't wait to get back to him, even if all he does is yell at me. This distance...I'm not meant to be this far from him. Every piece of me feels the wrongness, even more than being stuck in whatever this console world is feels wrong. 

"I have you." Garrus's voice grounds me instantly even if it’s only in my head, coming with the kind of relief only he can give me. It's enough for me to take out the rest of the Geth, for me to find peace and focus. I continue to repeat it to myself until they’re all down, letting his voice play through my mind. "I have you. I have you. I have you." 

Finally, the Geth are down and I can move on. And I have to believe that moving forward, following David's directions, is how I get out of here.

There's a green ball blocking the door, pixels rotating and undulating. I touch them, like I did before to get the images to pop up, but it does nothing. Whether or not it's rational, I shoot it...and it works. The ball fades, and the door opens. Good to know. 

I move back into the office space with the deadly elevator. It's David's face I find on the panel this time, though. Again, that mechanical sound screeches out. "STOP," David screams. "MAKE...STOP!" 

Well that's damn hard to misinterpret. 

"You're trapped here too, aren't you?" I ask David through the room. "And if this is freaking me out...God. We have to get you out of here, David." 

"Warning," the ship computer announces, clear enough for me to believe it's with me in this virtual version. "Elevator exceeds maximum weight capacity." 

I don't know if I can die in this world, but I know I don't want to, so I dive for cover and then take out the Geth Hunter that gets off the elevator. When it's gone, I step in and David takes over, bringing me to a different floor without screwing with me this time. The entire room is a large, open platform. 

When I get out, Archer's image is in the room. I can’t see David but I hear him chanting, "Square root of 906.01 is 30.1. Square root of 912.04 is 30.2." 

"We're ready," Archer says. "Open a connection to the geth network." 

Archer and another tech in the image are standing at consoles near the center of the platform. In the very center of the room is a Geth neural node with a big, pixelated blob of some kind in the middle and two Geth attached. I wish I had the technical capacity to understand any of this. I also wish I could see David. 

Archer or the other guy does something, and whatever it is was a mistake because that blob explodes. Both of them flinch hard, and then something mechanical screams. David.

"QUIET!" 

Released from the node, the Geth turns and aims its weapon at the tech. Archer screams, "David, no! Tell the Geth to stand down!" 

"QUIET!" David roars. "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" 

I wonder if that screeching, grinding, horrible sound is what David hears constantly. If he's trapped in here, if that's all he can see. My heart hurts at the thought. 

And then the image in the middle of the room fades. That blob is now black and orange, bursts of green code shooting out of it. David's face, the same one I've seen all day, appears over the top of it. Massive. Angry. 

"Node acquired," the station computer announces. "Normandy SR-2 is within range. Attempting to establish upload link." 

"No." I swap for my shotgun, ready as two orange pipes - virtual - come out of the blob and move to connect with large nodes on pipes that extend up to the ceiling. They look like wires being plugged in. "I'm sorry, David. I can't let you have my home." 

I instinctively aim for the connection point, but it does nothing. And then I spot that same green blob I shot earlier moving along the connection and shoot that instead. And it works. David howls angrily, and the green shield he's had up around the central platform fades. I unleash on the pixelated image inside. I have no idea if it'll do anything, but this is all I have. 

But then David grabs me again. I can't move, can't fire, can barely breathe. If he keeps control, he'll get to the Normandy. He'll get to my family and then who knows where. I know that David is just scared and angry about what was done to him, but I can't let that happen. 

And I know the pain will be hell, but I can't just let him control me. 

I fight for control of my trigger finger first. It hurts like needles in my spine and a knife at the base of my skull, all of my muscles screaming the way they do at the end of a too-long run, my bones burning like they'll snap. I focus on the only thing keeping me grounded. "I have you." 

I fight through it, alternating shooting at whatever I can that seems to be working to keep the shield down, and then firing at the central blob. I figure if it has a shield, it's important. I also figure I'm going to start bleeding from my eyes and ears any moment. 

"Pull the plug," I hear Archer's voice echo, screaming and panicked. I can tell it's a recording. I wonder if David is still trying to show me something or just trying to distract me. "Tell Vulcan Station to cut all power!" 

"It's too late!" someone responds to him. "We've lost control!" 

The pain surges, nearly knocking me off my feet. And oh, I want to quit. If I stop fighting David, the pain will fade. But if I stop, I may never see Garrus again. I continue shooting, and I don't dare fall down. 

"David, you have to stop this!" Archer from the past shouts, trying to sound angry. 

"DAVID DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE!" That roar feels present, like he's currently responding to what his brother said and did to him before. Even while he's trying to kill me, that's easy to relate to. 

"David, calm down," Archer presses, trying a different tactic and softening his voice now. "I can make all of this go away if you let me!" 

David screams. He keeps screaming. His pain...if it's like mine, he just wants to die. "QUIET! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" 

"I have you," Garrus murmurs in my head. It can't stop the pain, but I cling to it for all that I'm worth. I need it. David keeps screaming, I keep shooting, and Garrus keeps whispering to me. 

"QUIET! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" 

There's a boom, right after I shoot at the center of the room again, and a bright flash comes out from the center of David's pixelated face. And then it fades out. It's gone. No more blob, no more shield, no more pixels. 

The pain releases just as suddenly, and that does knock me to my knees. It's like a vacuum, my body suddenly sapped of all strength when there's nothing left to fight against. I want to curl up on the floor and sleep or cry or... No, not that. I’m not done. 

I lift my head, looking to the center of the room again. I'm back in the real world. No more pixels. No more glowing lights. Real. 

And David is here, too. The real David. But...oh, God. 

David is hanging from underneath the platform where the core was. He's completely naked, and his arms are trapped out to his sides. His head is inside some kind of metal trap, his eyes are pried wide open, and there are thick metal tubes running into his temples and into his mouth. It looks like absolute torture. 

I get to my feet and take a step forward, trying to figure out how I can fix this for him. And David moves his eyes to look right at me. My heart stutters and I nearly vomit. He's alive, awake, conscious. 

"Quiet," a voice speaks into the room, softer this time. Familiar, too. David. "Please, make it stop." 

"Commander!" A voice in the real world startles me, and I turn back to find Archer running into the room. "Wait!" 

He comes up behind me but stops, and I realize only then that I've walked out onto one of the bridges from the platform into the center where David is. I feel unstable, my legs shaking. Falling up here is going to be a problem. But right here, I'm between Archer and David. That's where I belong. 

"I'm begging you," Archer says, holding up his hands. "Don't do anything rash." 

"Rash?" I repeat, my blood set to boil in a flash. "Like forcing your brother into an experiment?" I motion back toward David and shout, "This is an atrocity!" 

"Shepard!" Garrus's voice isn't just in my head now. And then he's there, running into the room. I watch his face when he sees me, the way his whole body seems to release a breath it’s been holding for too long. He only pauses for a second before running the rest of the way through the room and right to me. 

The air around me sparks to life. That sensation has been there since the first time we met. I know now that it's my body, my soul, even the very fiber of the universe drawing me to him. And I want to go to him. 

"Garrus." I manage a step before my legs falter, the exhaustion too heavy, but Garrus must have seen it coming because he catches me. That, or I really look like shit. 

"I have you," he murmurs, wrapping his arms around me. I nearly laugh. I might laugh if my body didn't hurt and if David wasn't being actively tortured. Right now, it's all just...heavy. 

"What did you do?" I hear Miranda ask, her voice tight and breathy like she's in complete disbelief. Garrus finally turns to look at David as well, holding me against him and taking on my body weight. It's all I can do to keep standing...but I don't let go of my gun. 

"I know how this must look," Archer begins, not looking at his brother. Instead, he's facing me and Garrus, glancing over at Miranda who is standing a few feet away. "But I never intended any harm to come to him. You must believe me! It was an accident. Seeing David communicate with the Geth...it all seemed harmless." 

"And before you knew it, you were running your own private hell," I snap at him. "I saw his memories. He begged you not to do this!" 

"I had no choice!" 

I take a step forward, my anger pumping as adrenaline. "You treated him like a machine and plugged him in like a computer!" 

"I was desperate!" Archer screams, throwing his hands up. "The Illusive Man doesn't broker failure! Any war we fight with the Geth will be bloody. I was asked to find a way to avoid that bloodshed." 

"And how many already died for this project?" Garrus demands. He has his hand on my back like he's expecting me to fall, but he's giving me space and letting me do my job. Respecting that I'm still in command and need to be on my feet for that. 

I just wonder how long I can keep that up, my head pounding and hands shaking. 

"More souls than will ever forgive me," Archer answers, shaking his head as if he gives a shit. "But I won't apologize for radical ideas. If my work spares a million mothers mourning the loss of a million sons, my conscience will rest easy." 

"How dare you say that to her?" Miranda spits, stepping closer to him. Archer has the good sense to step back. "Commander Shepard is on the front line of this war. The entire galaxy will be mourning without her efforts. Your excuses are wasted here." 

Well, damn. It has an effect on Archer too, and he falters more genuinely this time. 

"Look at him," I say, pointing at David and keeping my eye on Archer. I wait until he does, until he looks at what he's done. "Your brother will never be the same." 

Archer shakes his head, now not daring to look away from David. Or maybe he can't. "The damage may not be permanent. He might recover some semblance of his mind." 

"Cerberus will never leave him alone," I counter. "Your brother will always be a lab rat."

"But a well cared for lab rat," he snaps, fisting his hands. I can feel Garrus tense behind me. "At least he'll still be alive.” 

Archer pauses and I follow his gaze back to David. Even from here, I can see the tears tracking down David’s face, and I know Archer can, too. His little brother is crying. 

"You'll sacrifice your brother's happiness for your own ambition?" I ask him.

David's eyes flick over, aiming at Archer. "Square root of 906.01 equals..." He trails off. The one thing he's chanted to keep himself grounded, just like I did with Garrus's voice, and David has lost it. 

"30.1," Archer finishes softly. He pauses, and I don't say a word this time. None of us do. What else is there? "What I've done to David is unethical. If he dies...unforgivable. Let me take care of him." He looks at me and begs, "Please." 

"Quiet," David says softly. "Please make it stop." 

And now I know David well enough to know what that means. "I've seen enough of your cruelty to know he'll never be free from it here. I'm taking him away." 

"No!" Archer screams, moving forward a couple steps. "Leave him! He's too valuable!" 

I shake my head to begin to object, but Archer isn't going to let me. I watch his hand drop to his gun, I watch it lift, I watch the barrel aim right at me. And then he screams, the gun almost exploding out of his hand and skittering across the floor. He's left clutching the mangled remains of his hand.

A little delayed, I realize that Garrus fired from right behind me and disarmed the man trying to shoot me. 

And then it clicks that Archer tried to fucking shoot me. 

I get a new surge of energy and adrenaline, and I ride it right up to Archer who is cowering before I get there. My shotgun is still in my hand, I hit him across the face with the butt, sending the pathetic, sadistic asshole to the floor. He cries out and covers his face, but I make sure he's looking up at me when I point the business end of the shotgun at him. 

"You even think about coming for your brother, and this bullet will be waiting for you," I inform him. "Then we'll see who's valuable." 

I step back, intending just to lower my gun, but it falls from my hand completely. The weakness is returning rapidly, and I feel the room tilt under my feet. At least I hope it's just weakness. What did David do to me? 

I know the answer, of course. He did whatever he had to do to get out of here. And I don’t blame him. 

"Where will you take him?" Archer asks. 

"Grissom Academy," I answer confidently. "They can help special cases like David. Minus the torture." I look back to Miranda. "You think the Illusive Man will have an issue with that?"

"I'll discuss it with him," she answers quickly, firmly. I believe her. "And even if he does...if you contact the Alliance to come get David, he won't be able to do anything about it." Now I definitely believe her.

I open my mouth intending to give the orders, but I’ve lost control of my body again. And this time it’s from the weakness, the pain, the damage. 

"Joker, get a hold of Admiral Hackett and brief him. The Alliance needs to send medics," Garrus says from behind me. "Call the Academy and tell them we have someone who needs help. And get our engineering crew in a shuttle down here to figure out how to get him down." 

"I'll send Chakwas, too," Joker confirms. 

The room sways again, much more violently this time. "We...might need Chakwas." I try to take a step, and my vision flickers, falters. I can feel my heart speeding up but it's...bad. I move...or at least I think...I'm... "Garrus?"

"Shepard!" Garrus's voice is close, his arms closer, and then the room shifts again when I'm lifted right off the ground. "I have you, Shepard, it's alright." 

I want to look at him. Can't hold my head up. Too tired.

"We're going home, baby," I hear Garrus say, his voice echoing like the memories when I was in David's world. Distant. But he's warm. He's here. "I have you."


	19. Recovery

"Joker, tell Chakwas not to leave the ship!" I can hear Miranda, but she's distant. It's hollow. "Mordin can come down for David, but Shepard needs Chakwas." 

I can hear her words, I recognize them. But I can't listen. I don't actually know what she's saying. My entire world has centered on the unconscious redhead in my arms. 

I had control for a moment, until she went limp. And now...now she's gone. But I made her a promise; I told her we were going home. 

I have to get her home.

"Make sure the Hammerhead is running," I tell Miranda, all of it snapping back into sharp focus at once. She nods, then glances down at Archer as if wondering whether we can risk leaving him. "He's useless, and the crew is on the way. I need you to help me get her back." 

Miranda nods again, and we start moving, the human jogging to keep up beside me. "Is she breathing?"

"Yes." I try not to wince at the question. If it weren't for my visor feeding me her bio stats - stable - and her heart pounding so hard I can feel it, I would be completely losing my shit. I'm barely holding it together as is. 

What happened to her? How could I have let the VI separate her from me? She must have felt so alone, so...abandoned. 

I abandoned her. 

I pick up the pace, practically running by the time we get to the Hammerhead. I get into the backseat with Shepard so that I can hold her but have some space. Miranda gets us into the air just as three shuttles from the Normandy land. David will be okay; Shepard is going to need to be reassured of that when she wakes up. 

Spirits, I need her to wake up. 

"Hey, you with me, kid?" I ask, brushing the hair back from her face. Nothing. "I'm sorry," I whisper, guilt and pain choking me. "I'll never let you get taken from me again. I'm so sorry." I brush my mouth over her forehead and shift Shepard to keep her head against my shoulder. She likes to sleep here.

Chakwas is there when we get back to the Normandy, and she steps into the Hammerhead to check Shepard's pulse, then nods and tells me to follow her back to Med Bay. Miranda gives Chakwas a rundown of what happened, but I can't hear any of it. All I can focus on is getting Shepard what she needs. She has to be okay. 

I set her down gently on a bed in the Med Bay and then help Chakwas and Miranda take off her armor, the location and feel of the clasps all so familiar to me now. Shepard is warm underneath. Steady. Calmer. Like she's sleeping.   
Chakwas moves around me, setting up an IV in Shepard's arm and a few wires connecting to her chest. When she adds one on either of Shepard's temples, bile surges up my throat. 

"You think he got into her brain? You think she's - " 

"No, I don't," Chakwas answers firmly. "I'm not making any assumptions. I just want to be sure, but she's stable, Garrus, you know that." 

I nod, running my hand over Shepard's hair. "I need her to wake up."

"Garrus, look at me." I can't help hesitating, unwilling to look away from Shepard in case she disappears from me again, but I obey Chakwas and look up. "I know. And you know I'll keep her safe." She covers my hand with hers. "But you also know Shepard needs to be able to rely on you. Go finish wrapping up this mission, make her proud, and I will have answers for you when you come back." 

My first instinct is to reject the idea. Leaving Shepard goes against everything I want and feel like I need right now. How can I walk away? How can I abandon her again?

But Chakwas is right. Shepard counts on me. Depends on me. And I promised her that she could trust me. Right now, someone needs to make sure David gets to safety and Archer gets into custody with the right people. If Shepard wakes up and finds out I dropped the ball so Cerberus has them back...

Absolutely not. I've done enough to let her down over the last two years. Never again. 

"You'll tell me immediately if anything changes?" Chakwas nods, and I mirror it, trying to steady my heart and my nausea. I look back to Shepard one more time, convincing myself she seems calm enough, and bump my forehead to hers briefly. I have to believe I’ll kiss her properly soon enough. 

I straighten up and turn away, heading for the door. Miranda is near the desk, pulling on a pair of latex gloves. "I'm going to stay here and assist Chakwas. Everyone else on the medical team can focus on David. I trust you can handle everything else needed?"

"I'll leave you the paperwork," I offer. She definitely almost smirks at that, but she also gives me a firm nod. We're on the same team now. It feels good. 

Getting to work feels good, too. Hackett is surprised for a couple of seconds when he realizes that he's speaking to me instead of Shepard or even another human, but it's never an issue. We agree that the Alliance will take custody of Archer, and he trusts Shepard's call with David. I don't know how much it means to the human Admiral, but I tell him it would be my call, too. I speak to someone from Grissom Academy next. They're a little more confused about what happened until I send the pics and vids taken by my visor. After that, they want David in their care right away. We're closer to the Citadel than to the school, and they'll need time, so they ask us to go there and get David to a hospital where they can pick him up. I agree and get Joker on the way. No arguments from the pilot. 

The engineers are successful in getting David down, and they have him back on board under Mordin's care by the time the calls are done. Mordin is disturbed and concerned but convinced David will recover at least physically. Kelly avoids Ken when he asks if David will recover psychologically. I don't blame her; I'd rather not think about it. 

Hadley, Matthews, and Hawthorne take Archer below deck. I ask Grunt and Jack to keep watch, and Zaeed volunteers to help. Archer peed his pants before they got on the elevator. He deserves worse. 

I take a moment to run through everything that needed to be done. There's nothing left. We're good. Now I need to know if Shepard is okay. 

Joker meets me at the door, on his way out. "She OK?" I ask him. My voice is soft because I can't get it out any stronger than that. 

"She's Shepard," he answers, full of spunk and sarcasm. That's a good sign. He motions at my chest and asks, "Are you?" 

For a beat, I have no idea what he's saying. It takes looking down for me to realize that my hand is wrapped around Shepard's dog tags. My fingers are cramped when I try to let it go, so I must have been holding them for the last couple hours. I still cling to Shepard, even when she's not right next to me. "I'll be alright when she is." 

"You know, you're not half bad for a stubborn, cocky Turian." Joker mock punches my shoulder and then walks away, leaving me alone to walk into Med Bay and be with my girl. 

The calm in here, lights low now that it's the night cycle, makes me feel better. Chakwas did this when I was in Med Bay too, the night Shepard slept with her head on my lap. Nothing will ever make me comfortable in hospitals or places like this that are too much like hospitals, especially not now that I feel so far from my mom, but Chakwas manages to do more than anyone else I've ever known. 

"How is she?" I ask, aiming directly for the stunning, sleeping redhead. I assume behind the curtain on the other side of her bed is David, and a steady beeping from over there seems like a good sign. It also definitely seems good that Shepard isn't hooked up to anything anymore. 

"She is just fine," Chakwas answers, standing from her desk and coming to join me at Shepard's side. I take Shepard’s hand again, squeezing her fingers lightly. "I ran a number of scans and tests but after hearing what happened and seeing some of the video from down there...I think she's suffering from severe exhaustion. She was tired and dehydrated during the fight - you fought for hours - and then the VI controlling her took the rest of her energy. She needs to recover it." 

"But she will recover?" I ask, looking back at Chakwas because I know she won't lie to me. 

Her expression is soft. Familiar. Fond. "I am fairly certain there was no permanent brain damage from the VI, but I won't make promises until she's awake. So no guarantee...but I believe strongly that she'll recover after a long, quiet rest." 

Relief floods me, a weight easing from my shoulders. I trust Chakwas, and exhaustion makes a lot of sense considering the day we had. I'm beat, and Shepard went through a hell of a lot more than I did. 

"I gave her an IV to replenish her fluids and a dose of pain meds, just to let her relax further," Chakwas continues. "Her brain decided she needed sleep and likely won't let her wake up until it's satisfied, but that's OK. She needs peace, quiet, and comfort in the meantime." She pats my shoulder. "And that's why I'm letting you take her upstairs to bed." 

"Wait, really?" Usually Shepard and I have to beg or bargain for that. 

"Really. David is going to need more care and may wake up before Shepard," she explains, motioning toward the curtain and the boy behind it. "I'm afraid Shepard will subconsciously wake up and follow her need to help." 

I laugh, but the mention of David is sobering. "How is he?"

Chakwas' face falls. "Traumatized, in more ways than one. Mordin sedated him, and I agree it was the kindest thing we could do. He's going to need a great deal of care." 

"Did Joker say how long 'til the Citadel?"

"Three days. I believe Mordin will keep David sedated that whole time to allow him rest, and I want Shepard to rest that entire time as well. I'll sedate her too if I have to." 

"I'll hold her down for ya, Doc," I promise, more than willing to force rest on our overworked commander. "I'm gonna take her to bed now. Anything I should bring up?"

"You take her, I'll have someone bring some supplies up to you shortly." 

I agree, making a metal note to keep the door unlocked so the chimes don't disturb her, and then slip my arms around Shepard - one behind her knees, and one under her shoulders. She's a little heavier than usual when she's completely passed out, but Shepard is tiny so it's no real burden to lift her. And she may be completely passed out, but she also snuggles her face into my chest almost immediately. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was recognizing me by scent.

I take her into the elevator and the controls immediately set for Shepard's quarters. "Thank you, EDI." 

"Of course, Garrus. I will be monitoring Shepard's condition and reporting any changes to Dr. Chakwas." 

"Thanks for that, too. And I'm sure Shepard will be grateful."

EDI's presence makes it hard not to think about what happened today - about geth and AI research and rogue computers with far too much power. I get the fear, considering everything we've seen. But maybe with EDI, Cerberus is onto something. They seem to have figured out giving AI a conscience, and I'm grateful for EDI's morals. I just wouldn't dare say that to Joker. 

I settle Shepard on her bed, throwing the blankets aside but not covering her just yet. I move to her closet for a shirt, and laugh when I spot one of mine. She must have collected it after taking it off of me one night. It's an incredibly sweet thing for such a tough shell to crack. I grab that shirt and head back to the bed. 

"EDI, can you lock the door until I'm finished getting Shepard changed? If anyone comes up with supplies, please ask them to wait. Unlock it after I’m done, please." 

"Yes, Garrus. I'll let Yeoman Chambers know." 

I thank EDI and set to getting Shepard comfortable. She's in a very sound sleep, aided by pain medication and sheer exhaustion, so it's easy to undress her without actually disturbing her too much. Getting her back into my shirt is especially easy, considering how baggy it is on her. I cover her with the blanket, pulling it up to her chin, and dim the lights further just as the doors open and Kelly Chambers walks in. 

Knowing how chirpy Kelly can be, I hush her immediately. Kelly nods but beams at me. "How are you?" she asks in a whisper, standing with me in Shepard's little office alcove. 

"I'm better now, thanks. What did Chakwas send you up with?" Kelly is carrying a full box when I was expecting a couple items. 

"Well this was Chakwas and Rupert," she tells me, putting down the box. "Pain medicine, sleeping pills that she said you can take if you need, bottles of those electrolyte waters for both of you, and Rupert sent up snacks. He says to call whenever you or Shepard are ready for a meal, and you can have EDI reach me anytime if you need anything." 

I nod, feeling the sort of gratitude that can choke you swell up in my chest. "Thank you. And please thank Rupert." 

"It's our pleasure. We're lucky to have someone like you to take care of our commander." Kelly puts her hand on my arm. For a split second, I tense; Kelly did a lot of heavy flirting with me when we first met, and it seemed pretty clear she wouldn't mind if I made a move. Now it's just a habit to tense, though. Well, maybe that and trouble trusting people. Kelly still blushes a lot around me, but she respects Shepard and me. "I'm assuming you'll stay with her?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I promise. 

That makes her smile even wider. "You may as well move in with her, you know." She giggles at her own joke and then bounces out the door, no idea that she's left me reeling a little. 

Shepard has stopped asking me to move in with her. I know that's my fault; I turned her down and ignored it. That was when I hadn't told her anything yet, though. I couldn't trust her. Now...now I have trusted her. Maybe she doesn't know all the details, but she knows a lot. And she hasn't left me. 

Moving in with her, bringing my things up here, would involve telling her about the pistol. She hasn't left me yet...but what will she say to weakness like that?

In the bed, Shepard makes a soft noise and rolls over. I watch her reach across the bed. She's looking for me. 

I grab the box and take it to my side of the bed, placing it on the floor and then stripping down. I leave my shorts on just in case something goes wrong and I need to call Chakwas up here; I doubt she wants to see me naked, even if nothing would be visible but the same plates that cover the rest of me. I'm careful climbing into bed with Shepard so I don't disturb her too much, but her eyelids flutter open slowly as I settle under the blanket. 

"Shh, go back to sleep," I whisper to her, pulling her into my arms. She doesn't move much but also doesn't resist, and she smiles a little, so I know it's okay. "You're okay. You need rest." 

"David?"

Now I smile. She's incredible. This woman is so exhausted her brain shut her body down to demand sleep, and her first thought is to worry about the boy we rescued - the same boy who captured and maybe hurt her. 

"David is fine. Mordin is taking good care of him, and you both have three days of sleep until we reach the Citadel. I'm keeping you in bed all three days." 

She doesn't open her eyes, but there is a definite shift in her smile, and it sends warmth rushing to my core. "Three days in bed with you? Good medicine." 

"Go back to sleep soon or you won't get any of my medicine," I tease her, fighting the urge to run my hands over her. I don't need to get myself worked up when Shepard can get me hot in an instant. 

"Can't sleep yet. Gotta tell you," she mumbles, slurring her words. 

I tuck her hair behind her ear and lean down to bump my forehead against hers, lingering. "What do you need to tell me, kid?"

Her eyelids flutter again, and she manages to open them. I can't see the green in this light, but just knowing its there is comforting. She brings one hand to rest on my chest and breathes, "You saved my life." 

"Baby, that's sweet, but you saved yourself today," I assure her. "You fought back against that VI, and you saved David." 

Shepard is shaking her head before I finish talking. "No...you." I watch her fight for focus through her body's intense need to sleep, and I want to tell her that whatever this is can wait, but it's obviously important to her, so I wait. "It was like...being spaced...but in my head. Scared me. And it...God, it hurt." The way she emphasizes that word makes me wince; the pain must have been horrible for Shepard to admit to it. "Your voice. I kept replaying it...in my head. Saved me." 

"Shepard." I pull her closer, trying to be careful, and Shepard finds the strength to wrap her arm around my neck. I pull her leg over mine the way she likes, and get us all tangled up - the way we belong. "You did this yourself, it was all you. But it's an honor to be your anchor, you know that?" 

She nods a little, our foreheads rubbing with the movement and sending tingles down my spine. She's almost back asleep...but I can't let her go yet. 

"Elle." 

That gets her eyes open. "Yeah?" 

"Can I move in with you?" 

It's a lot easier to ask than I thought it would be. I'm not used to being so vulnerable and setting myself up for rejection anymore, especially not with Shepard. And there's still a big piece of me that is terrified, that remembers how much it hurt everytime she called us off, every time she left me. But now...

"I'm tired of being scared," I tell her, my voice shaky. "I'm tired of letting our past control me. You're my future. I want to start moving toward it now." 

"Garrus," Shepard breathes. In the dim blue light, I see a tear sparkle on its way across the bridge of her nose. "Yes. Please...move in." Her eyelids flutter close this time but she's still smiling. "Love you." 

I feel her fade out, feel her body go limp and then her breathing steady out. She's asleep. She's in my arms. And we live together.

"I love you, too." 

*****

I expect pain when I wake up. It was so bad when I passed out, horrible the only time I remember waking up in Med Bay, that the moment I realize I'm regaining consciousness, I anticipate the pain. But it never comes. 

I can breathe now. I can see straight - even in the dark, the room isn't tilting and nothing is blurry. I can see the coral in the fish tank. I wish there were fish in there. 

No pain, but something heavy is on top of me. When I take a breath and the smell of sun-warmed metal washes over me, I know what that weight is, and a smile explodes across my face. Garrus is here, sleeping behind me with one arm wrapped around me and the other under my pillow and my head. He's so warm, creating a full cocoon around me. After the hell of what happened with David, I wasn't sure I'd feel this safe ever again. 

Garrus never lets me down. 

His hand is resting on my stomach and I cover it with mine, pressing his palm against me. I then push his hand up, guiding it to my breast and using my fingers to squeeze his, bringing him to grope me over my shirt. There's a moment where I feel Garrus wake up, a split second of confusion, and then Garrus doesn't need my guidance anymore. 

"Elle," he whispers, cupping me with a strong hand. He presses more firmly against my back, and I roll my ass into the cradle of his hips, arousal raging through me instantly. Garrus isn't hard yet but he reciprocates, rocking into me. "You should still be sleeping." 

"Mmm I disagree," I tell him, taking control of his hand again and this time taking advantage of the loose Turian collar to push his palm inside my shirt. He groans. "I should be riding your cock."

"Oh, shit," he breathes, squeezing harder and rubbing his thumb over my nipple. "Are you in pain?"

My smile grows. "Not even a little." 

Now Garrus rips out a growl and tugs my nipple hard with his fingers. His other hand comes up to wrap around my throat, squeezing firmly enough that I instinctively gasp for breath. "You wanna ride me, baby? Come here and get me hard like I showed you." 

He releases me, and I roll over eagerly, getting to my knees while he rolls to his back. It's not often I feel confident, and it's entirely possible that I have a mop of bed head or lines from the pillow on my face, but I don't give those things a second thought. I need to feel real, to feel alive. 

I kneel between Garrus' legs and slide my hands up over my stomach, taking my shirt up with it. Garrus's eyes track the movement and a growl builds in his chest when I reach my breasts. My hands don't feel as good as his - they aren't as strong or as rough - but I'm supercharged enough that just about anything right now is arousing. And the look on Garrus's face is more than a little hot. 

I push the shirt the rest of the way off and toss it, letting my hair fall around my face and shoulders. I run my hands slowly up Garrus's thighs, leaning forward as I go and not taking my eyes off him. He exhales slowly and shifts his hips as I near them. "You remember I still owe you a fantasy of mine?" I ask, keeping my voice low. 

"Oh, I remember." His voice is low and husky already. He can't stop shifting his hips now, and when I run my hand over the slit between his legs, he moans deeply. "Tell me, baby. Whatever you want." 

I hook my fingers under the waistband of his shorts and tug, Garrus lifting his hips for me to pull them down. "I love how strong you are," I begin, getting him naked slowly. "I love how powerful, how big, how dominant you are." He reacts to that one with a little moan. I throw his shorts in the same direction as the shirt he must have put me in and put my hands on his thighs again. "The thought of watching you with someone bigger, stronger, more dominant than me...taking control of them..." 

Garrus's entire body stiffens, and I think he even holds his breath for a moment. "You want to watch me take a Turian man." 

"I do," I admit, a shiver running through me even at the thought of it. "I got the idea when I saw you with Grizz. He was still hot for you." I press my hand to the slit between his legs and breathe, "Can't blame him." 

"Shepard," Garrus growls and closes his eyes, the muscles under my hand tensing as the plates shift, and then I'm gifted with his cock. "Fuck, baby. I can give you that," he pants while I jerk his shaft slowly. "I'd love to watch you make two men fall apart for you. You're the sexiest woman in the universe, you drive me wild. I want everyone to know how lucky I am." 

I can barely breathe by the time he finishes, actually aching and so wet I've soaked through my panties. Garrus's voice has always done incredible things to me, but that...God. I never knew how badly I'd want something like that. Now I know that I want anything Garrus will give me and everything he has to offer. Things I never dared to imagine, I want to explore with this man. 

I crawl up over him, straddling his hips, and aim his cock where we both need it. Garrus plants his hands on my thighs and meets my eyes, his gaze burning with passion and barely contained raw need. For me. He needs me. 

Like the first time I did this, I throw caution to the wind and drop my hips onto him. Garrus fits a little easier now, my body coming to learn that it can accept him, but he still pushes my limits and like this, it still knocks the wind out of me. It has a similar effect on Garrus who presses his head back into the pillow and cries out. It's a sound I've never heard from him before, and I love it. 

I want more of it. And so I continue to ignore caution or inhibition, and I go wild on him. My ass bounces off his hips with every thrust down, and I work him fast hard while trying to hold onto his carapace for balance. "Here," Garrus breathes, taking both my hands and flattening his palms. It gives me balance and leverage, and it gives me confidence to ride Garrus the way he deserves. His legs are bent behind me and I lean back on him, bringing his cock at the right angle every damn time. Perfect. 

I hear myself moaning out his name, feel my muscles start to clench and my hands shake. I feel it building, and I can feel Garrus building with me. I need it so badly that it hurts. I need to feel that connection to him, I need...

"Shepard!" Garrus's hand flies up and takes hold of my throat. "Fuck me, Shepard, like that. Show me what you've got, baby." This time I do the crying out, trying to hold on to my senses and keep my rhythm but Garrus doesn't care, doesn't need that. He roars out my name once more, tightening his hand almost enough that it hurts, before I feel him explode inside me. 

And the explosion doesn't stop before he shifts, flipping me underneath him and surging inside me. He's perfect, almost too big, and with such a large body, I end up totally surrounded by him. It's just this side of overwhelming everytime, but it's never enough. 

"You feel so good," he growls into my ear, gripping my thigh with one hand and using the other to pull my hair and tilt my head back. "And you're beautiful, Shepard, absolutely gorgeous." 

"Garrus, please." 

He moans and increases his pace, reading exactly what I need even when I don't have the mental capacity to say it. "I'm cumming for you again," he groans, talons digging into my thigh as he tenses. "I can't stop, can't get enough. Baby..." He makes a vicious sound deep in his throat and the world tilts when I feel him stiffen and falter just a little, amazed that not only is he climaxing again but that he can keep going after. 

"Jesus, Garrus," I cry, clutching at him and the sheet and pillow and anything to try and get stable. I can't. He's too good. It's too good. 

"I know, baby, come on. You wanna cum for me?" 

"Yes! Please, right there." 

"Oh, I know." And he does. Garrus drills me hard and fast, the edge only threatening until his teeth sink into my shoulder. The pain is the final dose of too-intense pleasure I need, and I lose all control and sense. Intense, breathtaking waves of pleasure crash over me, and I happily let them take me under. I could drown here, and that would be okay. 

Garrus slows steadily, whispering and softly trailing his hands all over me. "That's my girl. I have you." That one makes my heart skip, and I melt even further, managing to wrap my arms around him. Garrus hugs me in return and rolls carefully onto his side, keeping our embrace without hurting my arm. We lay there for a long moment, both of us panting and shuddering through aftershocks and unwilling to stop touching one another. 

"Wow, I'm in love with you." It comes out before I even realized I was going to say it. It feels as good to confess as it does scary; what could be more vulnerable? And it's not lost on me that Garrus hasn't said it back. 

But with the way he clutches me, the gasp like it surprises and overwhelms him, he doesn't have to say the words. I know. 

Garrus presses his forehead to mind and shivers. "Shepard." He's still hard, and I can feel him between my legs again. "Can I? I just want to be inside you, okay?" 

I drape my thigh over his and drop my hand between us, directing his cock into me. He barely thrusts, only entering me a little, but it seems to be enough for him. He exhales hard, but it's shaky. 

"Did I imagine things, or did you agree to move in with me?" 

He grins. "I asked if I could, and you said yes. Hoping I didn't imagine that since I already brought my bag up."

"Oh, all your many possessions," I laugh, rolling my eyes at him even though it's dark. Even with the laugh, I can hear how full of emotion my voice is, so I know that he can hear it, too. I've wanted this, wanted to make this commitment to him and get one like this from him for...well, for years. But then I was too scared. Now, , I've been so sure the entire time I've had him back, and I've been fighting uphill that whole time to prove I can earn his love, that I won't hurt him again. 

Garrus moving in means that he trusts me. Garrus moving in means that we both want this relationship to move forward, to move into the future. I know I'm never going to be willing to let him go, so this means everything to me. 

"Are you exhausted?" 

"No," I answer honestly. "I feel a lot more awake than I probably should, I think." 

"Well, you did sleep for three days." I balk at him, my mouth dropping, and Garrus chuckles like he can see it in the dark. "You were exhausted, Shepard. Chakwas said to let you sleep however long you could." 

"God. I knew I was wiped out but...shit." I groan and drop my head back. "Ugh, how much work am I going to have to catch up on in the morning cycle?" 

Garrus takes advantage of my now exposed throat and leans down to nip me. A kiss from a Turian, just like he showed me. I hope it always makes my heart skip. "None, Commander. We handled all of it for you. We'll be on the Citadel today." 

"The Citadel?"

"Yeah, the Academy said it would be easier to pick David up there, and they want him at Huerta Memorial first. The Alliance and the hospital are expecting us." I open my mouth but Garrus continues, "And before you can ask, the Alliance also already has Archer in custody. Hackett is overseeing it personally and asked me to make sure you knew that." 

"Mmhmm. So when you said 'we' handled all of it...you mean that you handled all of it." Now Garrus has nothing to say and it makes me smile, pride and peace swelling inside me. "Thank you. Having another strong leader onboard that I can rely on means a lot to me." 

He tenses, and I knew that he would tense when I complimented his leadership skills, so I tighten my hold on him. 

"Hey, there's uh...there's something I need to tell you if we're going to live together," Garrus tells me, surprising me by not just outright shutting me down - especially considering that he could shut me up just by rocking his hips. "You wanna get a shower with me, and then we'll talk?" 

"I'd like to just talk now but it's hard to turn down a shower with you," I admit. "And you did make me kinda messy." 

Garrus hums and kisses me softly. "I like you this kind of messy," he breathes against my lips. Garrus then shifts off the bed and pulls me to come with him, rushing across the room and grumbling about the cold floor on the way. I laugh until we get into the bathroom and he cranks up the hot water and tugs me right up against him. 

"Jesus, Vakarian, you are a machine." His erection is still throbbing between us while my legs feel like Jell-O. I don't know how he does it. Sometimes I wonder how I can keep up with it. 

"It's been a few days, and I got scared." He runs his nose along mine. "When we're together, when I'm inside you, I feel sure that you're real. That you're safe, and here, and actually OK." 

I'm stunned by how similar that is to what I was thinking earlier, about how badly I needed to feel grounded and present. Having Garrus touch me makes me feel alive; it makes him feel like I'm alive, too. We both need it. For now though, we wash each other and dry off before heading back out into my quarters. Our quarters. That puts a pep in my step. 

Naked because Turians don't give two shits about modesty, Garrus goes for his bag which is sitting at the end of the couch. "You can unpack, you know! I assumed your things would go into the drawers, not stay in your bag." I laugh at him and shake my head, not surprised that he's taking up as little room as possible. 

"I'm going to, but I need to talk to you first." He motions toward my closet. "Get dressed and then come sit with me." 

I don't tease him this time because it makes me a little nervous, the tone of his voice and whatever this is we need to talk about. I thought we covered everything about Omega and after the Aria conversation, what could be left? What could be related to him moving in here? 

I don't think there's anything Garrus could say or tell me that he's done to make me walk away from him, nothing that could make me want to slow this down. I keep that in mind while pulling on a pair of boxers and a tank top, and then returning to him. Garrus is now wearing a pair of sweats low on his hips, and he has a box in his lap. 

I've never seen the box before, but Garrus is almost cradling it. It obviously means something to him. I can tell that it used to be wrapped, paper still on the bottom half of the box and a ribbon that was untied. It looks like a gift Garrus opened and kept in the box. 

"Do you remember that you were planning to come back to the Citadel for Christmas? It was...nine weeks after you left?"

"Oh...yeah. We were scheduled to return two weeks after..." My heart shifts into my throat when I try to say it. "I, uh...I kept wanting to ask you if I could see you when we got back but...considering how I left..." 

Garrus makes a small sound, almost a laugh but no humor. "Yeah, I wanted to ask you to come back anyway. To stay with me for it. But considering how you left..." 

I lean forward and rest my head on his shoulder, my stomach souring and turning. "At least I'm not the only one who was stupid. I am at fault for it all, though. You know how much I regret it, right?"

"I do," he whispers, pressing his mouth to my head. "And it honestly doesn't matter to me anymore. It did at first but...all I care about now is what we have together, the future. And I need you to remember that right now, Shepard. I am not blaming you. I'm just trying to be as honest as possible. You understand?" 

I sit back up and frown at him, searching his eyes. "You're kind of scaring me. But yes, I understand." 

Garrus takes a breath and nods, then looks back down at the box on his lap, both hands wrapped around it. "I got this for you before you left. It was supposed to be your Christmas present. And then when you were gone, when I was on Omega...it became my...escape plan." His hand is shaking when he lifts the box but when he reaches in and grabs whatever is inside it, Garrus's entire posture shifts. He straightens, relaxes. It puts him at ease. 

And I can't breathe when he pulls out a gun. 

It's beautiful. Black chrome and brown leather, an old-school revolver like the kind in movies my dad watched but it's been modified to work with heat sinks. I can see that it's deadly, too - a large caliber. And more than anything, I can see that it is extremely familiar with Garrus's hand. 

An escape plan. 

"Oh, God. Garrus, no." My voice trembles and cracks, and I'm helpless to the tears that start pouring down my face. I knew that Garrus had darkness, I knew that he was in pain...I never imagined it was this bad. I don't know if I want to touch him or run away, except that I've promised not to run from him, so I plant my shaking hand on his thigh.

"I'm sorry," he breathes, barely a whisper. "It's bad, I know. Especially for a Turian, we...we don't..." He just trails off and shakes his head.

"How close did you get?" I don't want the answer. I hate myself for having to ask, but I do. I have to know. Maybe it's sick curiosity, maybe it's fear of how close he might have been when he got back on the Normandy or where he might be now, but I have to know. 

Garrus winces. "Close. You saved me that night, too." I frown and shake my head, and Garrus gives me a pained sort of something that isn't quite a smile. "Your tags hit the barrel and...I don't know, distracted me. Reminded me. Long enough anyway. I couldn't do it that night. Didn't get that close again after." 

"How bad is it now, Garrus?" I cover his hand with mine where it rests on the barrel of the gun. Garrus holding it like an old friend is unnerving as hell. 

He takes a breath, a little calmer with this topic. "I still think about it. I can't explain why but...I don't know, Chakwas asked me a lot of questions about things like this. She called it ideation, said I might always have the thoughts. Anyway, I...I can't say I want to anymore but...I needed to come clean with you about it. And I honestly don't want to keep it right next to my bed anymore." 

And now I can breathe too. "Well that has to be good. And you told Chakwas before she put you on those meds, that's good too. You're...you're OK, right?" 

"Yeah." He turns toward me, lowering the revolver and finally looking away from it. His eyes are wet but clear, the pain something much more present than the haunted look I saw so often at first. "Yeah, I'm OK, Shepard. It all still hurts but the meds help and I'm..." This time the grin is real. "I'm happier than I can ever remember being. And now for the first time since that bad night...I really am ready to be away from this thing." 

He lifts one hand to my face and wipes the tears off my cheek with his thumb. I press his hand to my face and lean into him, closing my eyes and taking a moment to inhale his scent, feel the pulse on his wrist. His heartbeat is strong, his body warm. 

Garrus leans forward to bring his forehead against mine, cupping my jaw. "I'm doing everything in my power to stay with you, kid. I'll never leave your six." 

"I know. You're strong, you know that big guy?" I shift forward to kiss him, and he lets me linger before we part and both of us can straighten. 

"I don't want this shadow over me anymore," he says, motioning to the gun. "But I think it's pretty awesome and...well, I thought you'd love it. That's why I got it for you." Garrus smirks. "And when we have our first Christmas together, I'll just have to get you something else. If you want this." 

Even as he offers it to me, Garrus doesn't hand it over. He has a firm grip on the gun. It may not still be his escape plan, but it's still something of a crutch, and it's still going to be hard for him to give it up. And yet he's offering it to me, to carry on my belt. And damn, it really is a very cool gun. 

"You remembered me telling you that my dad watched movies with these?" 

"You called them Westerns, yeah. Took greasing a few palms on the Citadel, but I managed to find a human who knew what the hell I was talking about." I laugh and wipe away the remaining tears that fall. "As soon as I saw it, I understood the appeal. This is a sexy gun. It belongs on an equally sexy soldier." 

"You always say the right thing, lover." I reach for the gun, but don't try to take it from him. I want to let him hand it over. Garrus exhales slowly and then releases it, letting me remove the gun from his hand. It's an instant relief when he's not touching it anymore, knowing what he almost did with it, but it does also feel like being given a gift. A very cool gift. "This is incredible. And just as thoughtful as you always are. Thank you." 

"It's my pleasure." 

I smirk at him and note, "You set the bar pretty high for Christmas. It's just a few weeks away now, you know." 

"Oh, I know. And I already have your new present." I laugh with him, ever impressed even if I am a little stressed about needing to get him something too. It'll be worth it; Garrus deserves a chance to get spoiled, and we both deserved the Christmas we never got. Three weeks. Something to look forward to when our mission is hell and every job worse than the last. 

I stand and cross the room, going to my armor locker to store the gun for now. Not a chance in hell I leave this one on the nightstand. I trust Garrus, but I know that sort of thing isn't exactly a choice made from a place of logic or reason. This is better for all involved. 

And Garrus doesn't complain, going back to bed and stretching out sideways across the mattress. He sets a pillow folded in half under his head, as always, and then tucks his hands behind his head. Eyes closed, he's a picture of peace, and it settles the rest of the pain lingering in my heart. Garrus is okay now. He's talking to me, opening up, and he's taking medication to combat the darkness inside him. He'll get through this, and I'll be with him. 

For that, I am damn lucky. Shirtless, sweatpants hanging low on his hips, Garrus oozes sex appeal. The muscles under the plates of his abs and in his arms helps, too. Sexiest man I've ever known, and he's all mine. And he's laying in our bed. 

"You think you could sleep a little while longer, or are we getting an early start on the day?" he asks, not opening his eyes. 

I stand between his legs, taking another moment to drink in that sexiness. "Actually...I have a better idea." 

And that's how Garrus ends up starting his day with a blowjob before fucking me senseless against the wall. I won't count the days when I was sound asleep, so as far as I'm concerned, this is the first day we live together. I'm satisfied I made the first day memorable before we ever leave the room, each of us armed but not armored for our time on the Citadel. 

Since the crew has dealt with their duties without my command for the last three days, I order twenty-four hours of shore leave. We're all going to get a break. I'm looking forward to it, too; I might have slept for three days, but I still feel too close to what happened with David and Archer. I need a break. And I need to see David get to Huerta, where I know the Alliance will take care of him. 

After seeing Chakwas in the morning to get a recap on David's condition and satisfying her that I'm fine, I join the crew for breakfast. Garrus already has trays and coffee for both of us when I get to the table, and I thank him for it with a kiss right on the mouth. He was more open with me than ever today; I'm going to return the favor as best I can. Garrus's gratitude is more than obvious, and it's no sacrifice to kiss him anyway, but if the reward is that look on his face right now, I'll kiss him a thousand times a day. 

"Ya know, it's been a long time since I kicked anyone's ass in virtual racing," Joker muses playfully from across the table. 

"I've never seen you do it, so must've been a really long time," Garrus retorts, instantly drawn into the competition. Joker obviously knows him well if that was the tactic he took to interest him. 

"Is this an open invitation?" Jacob asks. "I'd like to kick both your asses." 

Hadley, Matthews, Hawthorne, and Ken quickly chime in with their interest, Grunt suggests sparring after, and then half our crew has their plans for the day. Not to be outdone, Gabby and Kelly immediately start making suggestions. Normally, I'd let them go. But I think I could use some help. 

"Actually...wanna hang with me today?" I offer, trying to sound casual when I know that Garrus reads me like a friggin book. "Kasumi and Jack, you too? Miranda, if you're interested?" 

"The Illusive Man promised me a meeting today," Miranda replies, her expression even tighter than usual. She looks up to meet my eye and nods firmly. "I'll let you know exactly what is said." 

"Good. Maybe we can get the whole crew together for dinner then." Everyone chimes in with restaurant suggestions, kindly remembering Garrus, Mordin, and Grunt. Most of them are a lot more familiar with the Citadel than I am, so I leave the decision making to them. And then I'm completely distracted when Garrus slips his arm around my shoulders, grazing the back of my neck on the way. 

"Sounds like we're spending the whole day apart," he notes, leaning close enough to speak softly into my ear. "You'll be lucky if I don't fuck you in the bathroom of that restaurant." 

"It's only lucky if you actually do it," I quip, dramatically rolling my eyes at him. Surprise flashes through his eyes and Garrus laughs, giving me the look I always get when I'm turning him on and challenging him. I reach up and trace the line of blue under his eye on the scarred side of his face. "I'll miss you, though. That's stupid, I know, considering all the time we spend together but - " 

"No, I know. Me, too." He leans forward, bumping his forehead against mine briefly. I know he considers that intensely intimate so I'm not surprised it's brief, but I miss the contact immediately. As if he knows, Garrus shifts the hand behind me onto my shoulder and squeezes. "We'll be stupid together." 

"So romantic." We laugh together, drawing more attention than I'm comfortable with yet but it would feel worse to pull away from Garrus or hide. I'm tired of fighting my instincts to lean into him. "Will you come with me to Huerta? I want to be there when we transfer David." 

"Of course," he promises, no hesitation. 

He follows through when we arrive on the Citadel shortly after breakfast, joining me in the transit with Chakwas and David who is on a gurney and has been kept in a coma this whole time. Chakwas assures me it's for his own good and considering the hell I experienced in the brief time I spent in David's world, I don't doubt that for a second. It's hard to even look at him, but Garrus holding my hand helps. 

We have to part from David at the hospital, but Chakwas promises to bring us his doctor, so we wait. Garrus doesn't give me a chance to sit on my own, pulling me onto his lap and tucking me under his chin. "You okay?" 

"Garrus, that guy was tortured," I tell him. "The world that he lived in...that isolation? It was like being spaced but constantly. Every moment of his life. And the one person he loved and trusted did that to him." I snuggle closer to Garrus, needing to feel more grounded if I'm going to even think about that place. "When I tried to control my own body, the pain was horrible. I think that's what David felt." 

"I can't imagine," Garrus breathes. "I hate that I couldn't get to you, especially because I couldn't tell where you were. And Archer did that to David on purpose." He shakes his head, tensing a little, and I can feel the anger course through him. "I hope the Alliance plans to be pretty harsh on that asshole." 

"Just by working with Cerberus, he's a terrorist. They'll be rough." 

That makes Garrus tense, too. "Do you worry what will happen with you and the Alliance when it comes time to part ways with Cerberus?"

"I really try not to," I answer honestly. "I think Hackett and Anderson will look out for me so long as I don't do anything the Alliance couldn't condone or approve of, but...I guess I'll have to wait and see." 

Garrus presses his mouth to the top of my head. "I'll be by your side no matter what. Maybe we can go rogue, just disappear on all of them and find some tiny planet to hide out on. Stay naked all the time." 

"Tropical planet. I need a beach." 

"Again, you'll be naked, so I don't actually care where it is." 

I laugh and poke his side, making Garrus jump and join me in laughter. I tilt my head back to kiss his jaw, grateful that he's so damn good at settling or distracting me. I'm grateful he cares enough to do those things, too.

"Shepard." Chakwas' voice distracts me this time, and I stand with Garrus. She is approaching us with a familiar doctor, red hair and a pretty accent and quite a thing for Garrus if I remember correctly. Considering the way Chloe is already staring at him, I definitely remember correctly. "I believe you both know Dr. Michel," Chakwas offers. 

"We do," Garrus answers, extending his hand to her. "It's good to see you again, Dr. Michel." 

"And you, Garrus." She's a lot more familiar with him than he is with her, but that doesn't surprise me. Garrus may be a terrible Turian but some things are ingrained, and he's extremely formal in most situations. 

"Hello, Dr. Michel. You've moved up in the world from the clinic." 

"Yes, thank you." She doesn't look at me, though. She's too busy gawking at my guy. And when I look up at Garrus, I find his eyes on me. More than that, I find his confusion - like he's not sure why I haven't asked about David yet. He's entirely oblivious to the pretty little doctor who can't keep her eyes off him. God, I love this man. 

"How's David?" I ask, snapping myself out of it and looking to Dr. Chakwas this time. The always refined woman is covering her mouth with one hand, trying to hide what is almost definitely a smirk. Garrus is the only oblivious one apparently. 

Chloe shakes her head a little, like coming out of a fog. It's not like I can really blame her. Wasn't I just drooling over Garrus myself this morning? And I got to drool on his cock, too. She has to settle just for staring at him. 

"David is stable," she tells us, physically shifting into a professional mode with her hands tucked behind her back. "He is going to need extensive care but considering what happened and his abilities, I agree that Grissom Academy is the best place for him. I will make sure he's strong enough to go with them; they're expected at the end of the week." 

"Good. And you'll keep us updated on his progress?" She nods to me but her eyes go right back to Garrus. I can see the wheels turning for that one, and I'm not going to let her even start down that road. "You can call Dr. Chakwas with updates."   
Finally, Chloe meets my gaze. There's recognition in her gaze, and then instantly fear. She knows that I'm onto her. Good. "Yes, of course. I will. I will...call Dr. Chakwas...with updates." 

"We appreciate it," Garrus offers, cool as ever. Except then he slips his arm around my waist and pulls me lightly against his side. It's not a firm hold, obvious that he's giving me a way to pull out of it if I want, but it is extremely clear - especially if you know Turians and how intimate touching waists are for them. Judging by the way Chloe flushes when she looks down at where his hand is on me, she definitely knows. And so does Garrus. 

He's staking a claim. 

I should probably be annoyed, want to reject the move as misogynistic. I should be irked he thinks he can claim me. But I don't feel that way at all. Knowing that he wants to claim me is empowering, but it's different now too. Having someone who knows me this intimately, who has claimed ownership of my body, do it publicly...shit, that's hot. 

Chakwas lets me know that she's sticking around the hospital for a little while longer, so we say goodbye before heading away. Garrus keeps his arm around me until we get into the elevator, and then he releases me so quickly, it's startling. 

"I hope that was okay," he says, taking my hand instead. "We haven't...not in public like that. I just - " 

"Saw that Chloe had eyes for you and it was irking me, so you made sure she knows you're taken?" I finish for him, seeing the anxiety build. It always makes me feel guilty, this anxiety he has. And with good reason. Garrus wouldn't be so concerned if I hadn't failed to treat him the way he deserves. Garrus nods and I smile at him, stepping closer. "I really liked it, actually. Having you claim me." 

"Oh, yeah?" Now my confident guy is back, and as the doors to the elevator open, he takes my hand and pulls me aside. We're out of the way of the elevator, but very much in public. And I don't want to hesitate when he gently guides me into his arms, even if there's part of me that panics. "I can see that in your eye, kid. I understand, it's okay." 

He moves to release me but I push him up against the glass railing separating the path from a garden, following him and pressing myself up against him. I can feel his tension, but he can't resist down, sliding his hands around my hips. 

"It might always make me nervous, okay? There's always a voice in my head that tells me someone will see and question my career, my abilities. And I remember the...all that graffitti, after we took Saren down. I'd never faced that kind of racism before, and it really shook me." He nods, listening carefully and not judging me. He never does. "But you remember what you said? That you only want to focus on what's ahead of us? Me, too. I don't ever want to let other people affect us again." 

"I appreciate that, Shepard, I do. More than you know." He shakes his head a little, mandibles tight to his face. "But you have to talk to me. I didn't know how much that graffiti was bothering you until you were dumping me and leaving. And now...Shepard it's more important than ever that you talk to me, that I always know I have your consent, even if we're doing something as simple as holding hands. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I promise quickly. "I get it. I'll use my safeword here, too. OK?" 

"You can just say no, kid, but if the safeword makes you more comfortable, that works for me, too." I nod, and can see him relaxing a little but he's still tense and I hate that. So I tilt my head up, offering my mouth and exposing my throat. Garrus shudders and grins, growling, "Oh, baby." And then he kisses me, soft and slow, before dropping his head to nip the base of my throat. The pain jolts through me, so hot I can barely distinguish it from pleasure. I may actually like it more than pleasure without pain. 

"Promise me you'll stake a much deeper claim tonight." 

"As many times as you can take it."


	20. Trying Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes this is another purely smut chapter. I'm not sorry. Hey, it's not my fault these two can't keep their hands off each other!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting every week, it means the world to me that you love Elle & Garrus as much as I do. There's much more to come for them!

The last time I asked Shepard to go to Flux with me, it went very badly. The Normandy was about to leave the Citadel, and the crew was gathering at the club for a send-off. I wanted Shepard to come out _with_ me, to be out with me for the first time as us. 

Maybe the timing was bad. We'd been photographed embracing after Saren died, and it was all over the extranet. A bunch of people reacted poorly, and they weren't exactly quiet about it. The graffiti didn't bother me much - hell, why would it when I had Shepard in my bed every night? - but I learned after the fact that it really got to Shepard. 

When I asked her to come out to the club with me, it ruined whatever sort of relationship we had at the time. She dumped me, she left me, she broke my heart. Actually, I know now that she broke both of our hearts. So it feels pretty reasonable that I'm nervous about tonight. 

We had dinner out with the crew, and I touched base with some of my old C-Sec buddies. They want to meet up at Flux, and they invited the crew of the Normandy. 

I know that Shepard wants to go out tonight. I know that she kissed me in public on the Citadel earlier today. But I don't know what she'll expect of me or what she'll want later tonight when we get to the club, when we're around my old friends. She promised to be open about it, to talk to me if there were any issues, but she's struggled with talking in the past. Spirits, I want so badly to trust her. She's my bondmate, my best friend, she's everything. And I'm terrified she's still halfway out the door. 

The ladies on the crew went back out their own after dinner. Kelly said something about deserving heels that I didn't really listen to. All I know is that they're meeting us at the club...and that I don't know how to be around my girlfriend when she gets there. 

"What's going on with you?" Joker asks, tapping my knee. He's sitting beside me in the rapid transit we grabbed for the ride to Flux, Grunt across from us and Jack on my other side. 

"Nothing," I lie, shaking my head. "It'll be weird to spend time with people who thought I was dead for two years." 

That one's only a partial lie at least. Orbin messaged me after the last time we were on the Citadel, when he heard I might be back. We've talked and caught up since then, and my friends who are still here have some idea of what happened and where I went. But to face them again, all of them knowing that I got broken-hearted over a human...I'm a little anxious. It's been a long time. 

Grunt chuckles. "It's probably a little like telling people you're fully grown and only a few weeks old." 

It puts me at ease to laugh with them, and I can relax even further when we get to the club and the welcome is warm. Orbin hugs me hard, emotionally, and his pregnant bondmate Thera hugs me even harder. The others seem just as excited I'm back, and they're all nice to the crew. Although I wish they were a little less interested in Jack...or that she could enjoy the interest less. 

We grab a table near the side of the room to catch up, sitting in high-top chairs and ordering rounds and shots. The first shots arrive just as I spot Gabby and Kelly walking into the club. They look good, happy and casual. Kasumi follows them in, immediately drawing some attention in a black leather number. She's pretty, no denying that. She's just not my type. 

And then my type comes walking into the door, the hottest damn thing this club has ever had to handle. She's wearing a black skirt showing off miles of long, strong legs and a top that ties behind her neck, so much of her neck and shoulders exposed it takes my breath away. It does some favors for her cleavage, too - not that it needs the help. 

Kelly spots us first, grabbing the attention of the others, and I watch Shepard notice me. I can see arousal wash through her instantly, my body calling and hers responding. I wonder if she can feel that, too. 

I know for certain that she can feel the way the air sparks to life between us whenever we're close or even just looking at her. The temperature in the club sky rockets, and I can feel the atmosphere tingling, carrying a wave of cinnamon and citrus across the club to me. Shepard strides across the room with the others. Kasumi leans into her side and whispers something in her ear that makes both of them laugh; she's even more beautiful when she's smiling. 

"Damn," Quin mutters from the other side of the table. I don't have to look to know who he's watching, especially since Quin used to be the only Turian I've ever known who slept with humans. It's becomes a little more commonplace - sex only, not relationships - but Quin has a thing for humans. If they were all like Shepard, I probably would too. 

I can't take my eyes off her as she approaches and Shepard smiles at me, familiar and hot and...damn, I love her. I want so badly to reach for her as she approaches and I almost hesitate...until I remember that Shepard promised to tell me if she didn't want me to touch her. She never asked me to promise not to. 

Even knowing that a backfire could really hurt, I decide to trust her, and when she's close enough, I catch Shepard's hand and pull her to my side. I haven't seen her much today, and I'm not ashamed of how much I miss her. "Hey, kid," I breathe, dropping my head to nuzzle the space where her shoulder and neck meet. 

Shepard doesn't even resist for a second, tilting her head to give me more access and sliding her hand across my chest to hold my other shoulder. "Hi, big guy," she replies. I nip her, and she jumps a little, making me fight the urge to run my tongue up her throat. 

"Big guy, huh?" I hear Orbin tease. "She must not know a lot of Turians." 

I laugh and lift my head, keeping Shepard close. "Yeah, that's it. Shepard, do you remember Orbin? This is his wife, Thera. And a few old friends - Quin, Luc, and Tulus." I do the same introductions in reverse, trying not to take too much notice of the way the guys are reacting to the ladies from the Normandy. These are great guys, I know, but I have to wonder if either party knows what they'd be getting into. 

And I mostly don't care. Shepard is in my arms. 

"You look incredible," I tell her while the rest of the group is exchanging pleasantries and small talk. 

"Not so bad yourself," she replies, playfully tugging the collar of my shirt. I'm not exactly dressed up, but if she's happy, I'll take it. "Guess what I did today?" I quirk my browplates, asking silently. "I...bought your Christmas present."

"Oh, did you now? What is it?"

She laughs and reaches for the table, gathering two shot glasses and handing one to me. "I'm not telling! That ruins the whole surprise."

"Mmm, I do like surprises." I accept the shot and then stare at the glass, suddenly realizing what I'm facing. "I'm gonna pass for now," I tell her, immediately hating myself because it feels like a lie if she doesn't know why. I think I could drink safely, here and now. The darkness isn't weighing me down, not making me want to drown in a bottle. But it's never really gone. How do I know I'll be safe?

Shepard narrows her eyes a little but doesn't push it, nodding and just taking one of the shots for herself. I pull her forward to settle in on my lap, and Shepard wraps her arms around my shoulders. I'd like to just be absorbed in Shepard but I don't want to be rude, and I have missed these people. 

I tap the table in front of Thera and she looks up at me with a smile. "You'd just had a baby the last time I saw you. Working hard, huh?"

"You know it," Orbin teases, nuzzling the side of Thera’s head with his forehead. 

Thera presses her hand to her swollen belly and rolls her eyes. "This little guy was a surprise. A great one but still. I might get Orb fixed." Shepard and I both laugh when Orbin grimaces dramatically at the suggestion. 

Her pregnancy reminds me of Nalah, and that comes with a big wave of pain. Now I'm glad I didn't take a drink because an urge this strong can't be good. I should reach out to her, make sure she's OK. I should have done that well before now. Something else to dump on Shepard. 

As if she can read my mind - or maybe my body - Shepard presses a quick kiss to my cheek. For no reason, just mid conversation. Like she just needed to. It means everything to me. 

"So!" Luc smacks the table and gives me a downright feral grin. "This is your girl? The one who pulled you away from us?" I tense and feel Shepard do the same. I like Luc, we've been friends for years, but I'll lay him out right here. He should know that. 

"Yep, guess that's me," Shepard answers. Her hand tightens on my shoulder, and I know it's a warning. She doesn't want me to start a fight. I may not have a choice if Luc doesn't choose his next words carefully. 

"Well, then as some of Garrus's oldest friends, we have an obligation." Luc's grin grows. "To embarrass the hell out of him." 

The crew of the Normandy cheers at that while relief floods me and Shepard melts into me like that same wave just hit her. She kisses my cheek again, chuckling softly into my ear. 

"Okay, okay, I have to know," Joker begins, holding up a hand to stop anyone else from asking questions. "He hasn't always been this cool, suave, badass, right? I mean, save our pride and tell us he had an awkward phase." 

Thera laughs and shakes her head. "I don't know, I always remember him being like this," she tells them. "Including the cocky attitude," she adds with a laugh.

"That definitely has not changed," Shepard teases. I laugh and settle in for the hazing that I deserve from both sides. It's all good natured anyway, and so what if the crew learns a few secrets. 

After a while, conversations branch off, and then a few of them break off to dance or find a stranger to hit on, and by then Shepard is sitting completely on my lap. It's taken a good deal of effort but once Gabby, who was standing closest, walks away, I stop trying not to grope her and slide my hand slowly up her thigh. 

"Stop that," Shepard mutters into her drink, masking her smile with a sip. 

"I can't help it," I murmur in response, keeping my mouth close to her ear. "I ever tell you how much I like your legs? So soft," I breathe, letting my fingers graze the inside of her thigh. Her legs are pressed together - thanks to the skirt - but I feel her squeeze her thighs tighter and I know her well enough to recognize that signal of her arousal. 

"I have had too much to drink for you to be tempting like this...and not enough that I could blame it on the alcohol." She giggles sweetly, the sound doing incredible things to my heart and the hard-on I'm going to be sporting shortly. I nuzzle her face and she leans into me. "I'm surprised you're focused on my legs and not my tits in this shirt. Kasumi's idea." 

"Remind me to thank Kasumi," I growl, almost desperate to put my face in her cleavage. "Believe me, I'm focused on those, too. The moment you walked in here I thought about getting my dick between them, letting you jerk me off with your breasts." She gasps, her breath shaky. "Yeah? Would you like that, baby?" 

"I like whatever makes you cum for me, Sir." 

That does it, my plates shifting enough that she most definitely feels my growing erection. "When can we leave?" 

"Hey, not yet!" Orbin interjects, nudging my leg. 

Shepard jumps and her cheeks flush a little; she's almost definitely wondering how much of all that the other Turians at the table heard. I know how much they heard, and I don't really care. Neither do they. 

Orbin is beaming at me when I look up. "You look really happy, Pup." 

"I am," I assure him, leaning my head against Shepard's. She squeezes me and I earn another kiss to my cheek. 

Quin cocks his head, examining Shepard for a moment, and then makes a soft noise. "I'm surprised she's not marked. Gorgeous girl like that...you'd better get on it, man." 

Shit. I've never talked to Shepard about marking. She has some idea of the difference between marriage and bonding in our culture, but not everything involved. And she certainly doesn't know that I've already bonded with her. How is a human going to react when she learns that my people expect me to maul her neck and scar her permanently? I can't expect her to have the same appreciation for the ritual as Turians. 

It doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I can remember thinking about sinking my teeth into her throat and signaling her as mine for the rest of our lives way back on the first Normandy. I should have realized back then just how far under my plates she was getting. 

No. Can't go there. We have the future. 

Maybe my future involves a mark on Shepard. 

"Do you wanna dance?" I ask Shepard instead of answering that question. I can tell she's curious about it too but she doesn't argue and nods, standing from my lap and then waiting for me. The remaining people at our tables join us on the way, but as we near the dance floor and Shepard starts rocking her hips, I lose awareness of anyone else in the club. 

I pull her up against me, our bodies finding rhythm with the music and each other seamlessly. A fast paced beat rocks around us and Shepard sways to the music in my arms, her curves rubbing up against me. I'm powerless to keep from touching her, running my hands over her spine and waist, over her hips, grazing her breasts. Shepard is hands on too, tugging my fringe and teasing my neck with her fingers. I can feel eyes on us around the club. To any Turian, it's obvious that there's more between us than casual sex; they can smell it in my hormones as much as they can smell me all over Shepard. Instead of making me feel self conscious or concerned, pride continues to build inside me. My girl is hot, into me, and damn can she dance. I want the whole club, station, galaxy to know that she's mine and I belong to her. 

I want to mark her. 

Shepard turns in my arms as the song shifts into something slower, rolling her hips back against mine. I drop my head into the curve of her neck and lick the skin there, moaning when the taste of her sweat - salty and sweet and cinnamon - explodes on my tongue. She reaches her arm back to hold behind my head, finding exactly the right spot under my fringe. Exactly like the last time we danced together, right here in this club, things start to escalate and I feel powerless to stop it. I don't want to stop it. 

I'll never get enough of this woman, never stop craving how she makes me feel. 

I run my hands over her waist and then low on her stomach, pulling her back against me more firmly so she can feel my arousal. "Do you wanna get out of here with me?" 

She recognizes it, I know. The same question I asked three years ago, the first moment of truth that started the two of us on this road. I want her just as badly now as I did then. More. 

Shepard turns back around, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me down low enough that she can whisper, choosing to speak into my ear. "Let's find somewhere here," she almost moans. "I want you to want it so badly, you can't wait." 

"Elle." A growl rips from my throat and I fist my hand in her top. "I always want you that badly. Let me show you. Come on." 

I catch her hand and start walking, tugging Shepard along behind me. I know I'm going fast enough that she'll have to run to keep up, but I don't care. I can't stop now. Shepard follows me down the hallway toward the bathrooms without hesitating, and I only feel her falter a little at the door to the women's room. She doesn't stop me though when I pull her inside and then into a stall; I lock the door behind us but if anyone comes in...

"You sure?" I check, turning back to her now.

"Yes, sir." Shepard smiles at me, her lips pink and full, and then she leans against the wall of the stall. She rests one foot in a sexy pair of heels up on the toilet and pulls her skirt up enough to show me the thin pink lace underneath. I can see that the fabric is already wet and I fall to my knees in worship, burying my face between her thighs and nuzzling the lace. 

"Hold still." I use a talon to break through her panties and tear them to give me room. Then I push that same finger inside her and flick my tongue over her clit, reveling in her sweet little whimper. "Quiet. I'm gonna be pissed if we get thrown out before I finish with you." 

"Oh, I hope you mean in me." 

I laugh and stand again, going for my belt and leaving Shepard panting. "We aren't gonna have a lot of time. I'll take care of you at home, but I can't wait. I need to cum inside you. So turn around and bend over." 

Shepard's eyes drop to my cock when I work it out through my zipper and I watch her tongue flash over her lips when she watches me stroke it. But then she obeys and turns around, bending over and resting her hand against the wall. She can't bend far if we're going to have enough room, but I can make anything work as long as I can get inside her. 

"I'm gonna take you hard and fast. Do not scream. Ready?"

"Yes, si - ah!" It trails off in a yelp, not quite a scream, when I snap my hips and take her in one smooth stroke. Instinct tells me to pause, to wait and make sure I don't cum too fast. But we need to be fast in here. So I keep going, driving my dick all the way inside her hard enough that Shepard has to press against the wall to keep from falling forward. 

And still it's not enough. It's never enough; I can't get enough. 

"Getting fucked in a bathroom at a club, Shepard," I growl at her, keeping my voice low and listening carefully for the door. Well, as carefully as I can. "You really have become a dirty little thing, haven't you?"

Shepard moans and quivers. "Only for you," she breathes, panting with every thrust. 

"Mmm, I know it, my love. You were made for me." 

"Yes...I'm yours." She shakes again, head to toe, and arches her spine. "Can you...right there? Please?"

"Yeah?" I didn't think she'd be able to cum with me this quickly. "You've wanted this all night, haven't you? Fuck. Cum for me, baby, right here. Milk my dick." 

She barely stifles herself from crying out and then I feel her shaking harder, her body clenching and scorching hot around my cock. She says my name almost in a whimper, just fucking perfect, and then her body clamps down hard with her orgasm. It drags mine out violently and I spill inside her, pumping through the climax with shockwaves barreling through me. I have to catch my breath, her effect on me so intense that I nearly lose my mind. 

"Damn, baby." I want to collapse, but I force myself to stay upright and brace myself, pulling out of her gently. She moans and then stands, her body still trembling so I guide her to lean back against me for a moment. "We can't stay here. You OK?"

"God, yes. That was even hotter than I thought it would be."

"Hmm." I lean down and nip her throat. "Someone's an exhibitionist. I like that."

Shepard turns her head to look at me, green eyes blazing. "I want to give you everything you want," she whispers. "All your fantasies, Garrus...I want to be them." 

"Oh, you are," I promise, turning her around and meeting her forehead with mine. "I told you, kid; you're made for me." She smiles and lets me kiss her before I stand up straight again. I start to adjust, put myself away, but Shepard brushes my hands aside and does it for me. That's definitely one way to keep me hard. "Let's go say goodnight and then I'm taking you home." 

"Wait, what?" she balks as I unlock the door and take her hand, pulling her out of the stall behind me. "Garrus! We can't go say goodbye! They're all going to smell you on me!" 

I flash her a grin while pushing open the door to the bathroom, letting the sound of the club flow back over us. "Oh, I know. That's part of the fun." 

She starts to complain, and then we get stopped in the doorway by a couple of Asari who only wanted to do their business. They exchange glances and then gawk at us. For once, I have no idea what to say, but Shepard comes to my rescue and shifts in front of me so that she can pull me through the door. She winks at the Asari behind me and quips, "Can you blame me?"

I hear them giggle and shake my head at Shepard who looks immensely pleased with herself. "Mmhmm and you don't wanna say goodnight to friends? Come on now. Be brave." 

"Oh, God," she groans but doesn't stop me from pulling her toward the table where the C-Sec crew and some of the Normandy have returned, gathered around fresh shots. 

"And where were you?" Jack demands, a shit eating grin on her face. She has Quin hanging all over her. Good for her. At least I know she'll be safe tonight. 

"We're getting out of here," I tell them all, ignoring that question and aiming for Orbin, keeping my hold on Shepard's hand. I only release her when Orbin stands to hug me. "Thanks for coming out, Orb. I needed this." I need to believe good reunions are possible with people left behind when I ran to Omega, especially while I'm being denied that with my mom. 

"We did too, Pup. It's good to see you like this." He smiles toward Shepard and I follow his gaze, finding Shepard and Thera laughing and embracing. "Hang on to her, Garrus. She's special." 

"Oh, I plan on it," I promise. Orbin pats my back and then steps back so I can say goodbye to the others and to Thera. They promise to keep me updated on pregnancy and baby news, and I promise to keep them all updated on Reaper news. I can tell the whole Normandy crew likes that one; it's nice to know that at least a few people in the galaxy believe us. 

Shepard warns the crew not to cause trouble and then lets me pull her out of the club, tucking her under my arm. "God, this all feels so familiar," she laughs as we take a walk to a rapid transit station. "You know, I want you even more now than I did then."

"I know what you mean," I assure her, squeezing her shoulders. "I told you, we get closer and more intimate - more intense - every time we're together. And..." I lean down to kiss the top of her head. "You're my best friend. That's the sort of love that never stops growing." 

"You're my best friend too, you know. I should have treated you better." 

"Hey." I tug her to stop, preventing her from calling the rapid transit. "I thought we were looking forward. What's going in that head?" She laughs when I tap her forehead gently. 

"No, we are looking forward. Sorry. I just..." She shrugs a little. "I think about what we could have now, about where we could be if I hadn't screwed it all up." 

Her pain lances through me like it's my own, and I take a breath, pulling her closer and then reaching out to order the rapid transit. "You wanna know what I think about us having now? How I see our future?" 

She looks up at me, all the alcohol already burnt out of her system so her eyes are clear and bright. "You think about that?"

"Yeah, Shepard," I laugh, "I've thought about that for years." 

"Me, too," she whispers. "Tell me."

I inhale deeply again, wrapping both arms around her to try and ground myself a little. It's not easy to tell her anything that makes me feel vulnerable; part of me remembers that she could use this against me when she leaves me. But I can't let that fear get in the way of us. This woman is my future no matter how hard I fight against it, and that fight is just exhausting...it's not right. This woman has me, heart and soul. 

"I think about marking you," I begin, certain that she has questions about that. "It's something that Turians do when we've committed to one another. We mate for life, so we use a mark that's for life too - a scar. On the throat. Shepard..." I have to steady myself to confess, "I thought about marking you as mine years ago. I've always known you're the one." 

Shepard beams up at me and I think she's going to say something but the transit pulls up and we pause to climb in. As soon as I'm seated, Shepard slides up against me and hooks her leg over mine. "Keep talking, big guy." 

"I think about getting a home together - a real one, not quarters on a ship. Even if the quarters are absurdly fancy."

"Our next house needs a massive fish tank, I refuse to live without one now," she quips.

I laugh with her. "I think more about the shower, to be honest. Remember my shower on the Citadel, how tight a squeeze that was? Never again." 

"And a giant bed that we only use like a quarter off because I sleep basically on top of you and you sleep with your hand up my shirt." My head falls back to make room for the laughter, an easy joy flooding me. We're joking but I can see that she's serious, too. Shepard shares my dreams. "Do you wanna live on Palaven?" she asks. 

"Spirits, no," I answer firmly and positively. "I don't want my kids to be forced into duty for the rest of their lives. I love my home and our military, and it's honor fighting for it, but...I'm a bad Turian. I want more for my kids." Only when the words are out do I meet her eyes again, and only then do I realize what I just said. "I, uh...I guess now you also know that I think about having kids with you." 

Of course, that's exactly when the rapid transit stops. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse when I have to wait to hear her response to that. 

We get out of the car, Shepard accepting my hands to help balance on the heels, and then head back onto our ship. It's a good sign, I hope, that Shepard is still snuggled against my side as we walk. "Wait," she calls, stopping me from heading toward the elevator. I let her push me against the railing on the bridge and she follows, wrapping herself around me. 

"Mmm, I like this," I breathe, slipping my hand to the back of her thigh and pulling her leg up on the railing. 

"I want to have kids with you." My heart stops and my hand freezes, the wind knocked right out of me. "And I want your mark. I want whatever you'll give me, all of it." Shepard's hand drops between us and grips my cock, still not completely flaccid. "Starting with this." 

I lunge at her, kissing her hard and dragging my talons further down her thigh. She melts against me, letting my fingers graze the wet heat at her core. She keeps stroking me through my pants, massaging new life into my dick and getting my heart racing. I mirror her movements against her clit, drawing out a moan, and then shift my hand lower, dragging over a place I've never touched on her before. Shepard jumps but I was expecting that so she doesn't get far, and then she relaxes when I move my fingers back to more familiar territory. 

"Not tonight," I promise, bringing her lips back to mine. "But it would help me to know if that's completely off limits." 

"I...don't think so," she breathes, voice shaking a little. "I'm just...I don't know if I'll like it." 

I smile and nip her bottom lip. "I know you'll love it, baby. But relax. Not tonight. Tonight, I just want to take advantage of a very empty ship and this incredible little outfit." 

Shepard closes her eyes and whispers my name, then says, "EDI, privacy mode but I want alerts before anyone is permitted back onto the ship." The AI agrees and then Shepard eyes me. "Where first?"

First, Shepard sucks me off in the pilot's chair. I eat her out on the counter in Mess Hall, I fuck her hard in the CIC, and then I take her to galaxy map and lay her out across it, sliding inside her from behind. We have a view of the entire galaxy, Shepard's hands sliding across systems and planets while she tries for purchase. I keep my pace slow and steady, easier now that I've cum a dozen times today. 

I look down, watching my blue cock stretch her soft, pink body and can't help the growl deep in my throat at the sight. "You like this, my love?" 

"Oh, God...oh, Garrus," she moans, arching her spine and looking back at me. "I love it. You feel amazing. Don't stop." 

"Never," I promise. "I'll be here as long as you want me." 

She closes her eyes and cries out, her palm slapping down on Palaven - even though she doesn't have the awareness to know that. "Forever. Please. Like that." 

"Right here?" I ask, testing the spot with a twist of my hips. She cries again, her head falling forward to her forehead lands on the map. "Mmm, yeah, that's it. Can you cum for me again, Elle?" 

"Yes, yes....oh, please, make me cum." 

"Spirits." I lean over her, kissing the back of her bare shoulders and reaching for her hands, interlacing our fingers while I continue to stroke into her, tilting my hips to be where she wants me. 

We cum together, fall apart with each other for the last possible time, right there on top of the galaxy. 

"Shit, Elle. You call me a machine but you've done something to me. This is unreasonable." 

She laughs at that, turning her head so she can kiss my cheek. "I'm feeling more than reasonably happy." 

"You won't be when you have to carry me upstairs." Shepard laughs at that and I kiss her once more, bracing myself before pulling out of her slowly. My dick almost hurts at this point, and I can see that she's shakier than usual. "You're gonna be the death of me, you know that?"

"Death by orgasm. There are worse things." We laugh together, maybe my favorite thing about sex with Shepard, and then we correct ourselves enough to do a quick clean-up everywhere that needs it. By the time we get into the elevator and head to bed, the club will be shutting down soon and we're both exhausted. 

It's comforting, going through our individual nighttime routines together. It feels real, like we're actually living together when we're both in the bathroom mirror and then climbing into bed on our respective sides. We meet in the middle of the bed, as always, and Shepard cuddles up against my side. "I had fun tonight." 

"I would hope so," I tease, dropping my hand to her ass playfully. 

She laughs and gives me a little swat. "That, too! But I meant the club. It was really nice seeing you so at ease, getting to meet some of your friends." She looks up at me and adds, "They really care about you." 

"They're good guys. And they liked you a lot." I scowl and add, "Quin might have liked Jack too much." 

"You're cute," she teases, breaking off in a yawn and resting her head on me again. It's contagious and I find it hard to open my eyes again after. "I love this. Think you could do this forever with me, big guy?"

"Every damn day, baby. Forever."


	21. Horizon

It’s true that Garrus is living with me and he is (finally) my boyfriend. These things are common knowledge. It’s also well known that he's favored as a member of my ground team. But Garrus is still a member of the team and the crew. And the best part of that: Garrus knows that and respects it. And that's how he's ended up on the night shift this week, after we take off from the Citadel. 

It works like normal. Garrus joins me on the ground for the few missions Hackett or the Illusive Man asks us to handle, we have dinner together, and then he's on duty until what would be near dawn on a planet where they have dawn. It's a couple hours before I have to be up and available to my crew, so we get that time together. Most days we've just snuggled, Garrus falling asleep quickly. A couple days, we've talked for a bit. The only thing that's taken a hit is our sex life. 

Garrus misses me, I can tell, and I'm aching for him by mid-way through the week. But I don't blame him for being tired by the time morning rolls around, and neither of us is willing to sacrifice him being on the ground with me. I'm not upset...I'm horny. 

So before going to bed last night, knowing that it's Garrus's final night on the graveyard shift, I put on the sexiest thing I own. Granted it's not all that sexy; I had one piece of lingerie and Garrus ripped the panties in a need to get inside me on the first Normandy. I'm not complaining. But I do have a lacy pink tank top and a black lace thong. I also leave my hair down and then pass out, hoping Garrus will enjoy the surprise when he crawls into bed with me in the morning. 

I wake up certain that it was a good surprise, Garrus naked at my back with his mouth on my shoulder and his hand groping me over the tank top. It takes a split second for me to get hot for him, and when I rock back against him, I find out that Garrus is just as hot. 

"Is this for me?" he asks, running his hand down my front before snapping the string of my thong. 

"It's been a long week. I thought we should celebrate." 

"That's my girl." This time it's a growl and it sends heat surging into my core. "Kiss me." He pulls me to roll on my back but stays beside me, holding my jaw while meeting my mouth in hot, passionate kisses. He's not rushed even though I can feel the intensity of his arousal - in his erection and in the growl building in his chest. He is demanding, though, and it only takes one kiss for me to be certain that Garrus is very in charge this morning. 

I melt, my heart pounding and my temperature soaring, and I reach for him. Garrus catches my wrist before I can touch him, though and presses it back down beside my head. He lets go and then breaks from the kiss, pulling back just enough to make me open my eyes. And then he shows me a ribbon...the one that was on my Christmas present. 

"I'm going to tie your hands together, and then you're going to keep them above your head. Under the pillow." 

The last time we did this, Garrus asked for my permission constantly. Not now. He's giving the orders since he's made it clear that I can say no. I remember that last time, back when we had a headboard he could tie me to. It was every bit as incredible as it was intense. Part of me is scared this time, too. But Garrus won't hurt me. 

He returns to kissing me, pressing the ribbon into my hand and tangling our fingers. I hate that he's beside me so I can't arch into him, can't feel more of him, but I'll wait until he tells me what he wants. Garrus kisses my jaw and nudges my head aside, running his teeth down my exposed throat and nipping my collarbone. His tongue follows it, searing hot and rough and fantastic. His hand leaves mine, moving to my breasts and pulling the fabric down as his mouth joins it. 

I arch my spine anyway when he bites down on my nipple, using his teeth to tug hard. It's a shockwave that triggers my biotics in a surge I feel rock through Garrus. "Shepard!" he growls, releasing me from his teeth but following it with his tongue. I'd be worried the shock hurt or deterred him except that he's still just as enthusiastic with teeth and tongue and fingers. And every single move gets me hotter and wetter and more desperate for him. 

Another hard bite draws out another shock, and I can't help crying out. "I don't...don't wanna hurt you," I manage even while arching to press my breasts further into his mouth and hand. "Feels so good. Can't help the sparks." 

"Don't hold back on me," he murmurs, leaning over me to take my other nipple between his teeth. "You won't hurt me, I trust you. And I want everything you have to give, baby." 

"Oh, God. Take whatever you want, Garrus, please." 

He moans deeply, pressing his hips against my thigh. He lifts his head and kisses me again, harder this time, while shifting onto his knees. "I want to taste you," he breathes. Just the words are hot enough to turn me on even harder. Then he takes the ribbon that I'd forgotten about and I hear myself whimper. "Good girl." 

Garrus pulls both of my arms taut up over my head and ties my wrists together, tight enough that it's going to hurt if I try to break out - but it is just a ribbon, and I can break out. I know without doubt that's why Garrus chose this particular implement. 

"Keep your arms over your head and under the pillows," he commands, ice blue gaze hard and hot. His cock is exactly the same, only a much darker blue. "If you listen, I'll let you cum as many times as you want. If you try to move, I'll forbid it. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. Please." 

Garrus flashes a smile and grins, then slides down the bed at my side, and ducks under my thigh to get between my legs. He guides both my legs over his shoulders, his gaze trained on the thong and what it's hiding. "Damn, I love the way you look in lace, baby." He leans in and drags his tongue up my slit, over the fabric so that the texture of the lace and his tongue combine to send chills through me. "Mmm I love the way you taste, too." 

I feel him pull the fabric aside and then nothing is between us, Garrus eager but still just as passionate and slow instead of rushed and wild. It serves only to make me even more wild, knowing that he's completely in control. And damn he's good with his mouth. 

His long tongue, agile and textured, switches between long and slow licks, fucking me, and swirling around or flicking over my clit. He doesn't keep a rhythm, doesn't give me a chance to gather my wits. He just drives me higher and higher at a maddeningly slow, steady pace.

I barely recognize my own voice while I moan and cry and beg, my voice husky and raspy. Garrus is moaning almost as often, his mandibles fluttering against my thighs and the sounds vibrating through me adding to the sensory overload. "You wanna cum for me, Elle?"

"Yes!" I arch into him, putting my hands under my head so I'm not tempted to pull them down and ruin my chances of an orgasm - or as many orgasms as he'll give me. "Please, Garrus. Make me cum." 

For the first time, he loses a little control and grips my thigh so hard, his talons sink in lightly. The pricks of pain send me spiraling, shattering all of my senses and awareness. I hear myself screaming, hear Garrus growling from between my legs, his tongue unrelenting until he's sure I'm coming back down from the climax. Garrus guides me down with soft licks and then gentle nips along the inside of my thigh. 

"You're incredible," he breathes, crawling back up over my body and kissing me the whole way up. I thought he'd get between my legs, take me properly, but he continues higher and sits up when he's straddling my chest. He is massive and more than a little intimidating when I'm incapacitated. There's a moment when I lose my breath, fear threatening. 

And then Garrus reaches down and tucks a curl behind my ear, his look every bit as fond as it is hot. "Still with me?" he asks softly. 

"Always," I promise. 

Garrus flashes a fantastic smile and then reaches beside us to grab another pillow. He folds it in half and pulls me to lean forward a little so he can tuck the pillow behind my head. It's not entirely ideal or comfortable but it's clearly what Garrus wants so I'm satisfied. 

"Bend your knees behind me." I obey quickly, pressing my feet flat to the mattress. "You've lost your hands and I'm going to take your mouth. Lift one leg, make sure you can hit my back with your knee." My heart starts racing, clear now on what he wants, but I hold onto my senses enough to follow the instructions. It's easy, no strain on my legs or my hips. "That's your safe signal. Understand?"

"Yes." I drop my gaze to his cock, the head swollen and glistening, and quip, "And yes please." 

Garrus laughs, shifting a little closer and resting his cock against my cheek. I jump a little when it smacks lightly but my mouth pops open on instinct. I love it. I want it again. He grins and takes a firm hold of his dick, slipping it into my mouth and then slowly thrusting his hips forward. He presses lightly against the back of my throat before pulling away again, but I want more. 

I want to choke on him, swallow him, feel him fuck the back of my throat. And somehow, in that magical way he has, Garrus reads that need on me and delivers exactly what I want. He moves harder, faster, and then presses into the back of my throat. My eyes threaten to roll and I lose my breath, and when I gag, Garrus pulls back with a deep moan. "Fuck, baby," he growls. I can feel myself drooling and Garrus does it again, holding a little longer this time. "That's it, baby." He starts to fuck my mouth, a little shallower but faster and I do my best to work my lips and tongue with him. "Look up at me." 

The moment that I do, I feel completely debased. I feel like the slut Garrus calls me, like the sex object he uses me as. I love it. 

I feel sexy and sexual. Garrus has always had a talent for making me feel like a woman, not just a soldier the way everyone else in my life does. And not a hero, not someone with the burden of the universe on my shoulders. A woman - one that he wants and takes from. 

Garrus presses in hard enough to make me gag once more, then twice, ripping out a fierce growl before I feel his hot seed erupt over my tongue and into my throat. I can't help moaning even while my eyes water and I have to swallow in a rush, my lungs being tested for air. But he pulls back before I have to tap out, almost panting for breath and his shoulders shuddering. 

"So good, baby. So good," he murmurs, using his thumb to wipe the drool away. 

I look him in the eye and tell him, "I love the way you taste, too. Surprisingly sweet. Perfect." 

"Mmm anytime, my love." He throws me a wink and then shifts back just a little, his eyes dropping to my breasts, which he cups with his hands. He plays with my nipples and moans but I can see the wheels turning, and before I have to ask, Garrus reaches under the pillow and unties the ribbon. "Push them together for me, Shepard." 

Well, this is new. I have no complaints or concerns though, so I obey him and press my breasts together around his cock. Garrus growls immediately and then loses his control for one, fucking my breasts with abandon, aided by his natural lubrication and spit. It doesn't matter that there's no direct sensation for me; he's unbelievably sexy like this. And even more, he clearly finds me sexy. Nothing could be hotter than making him fall apart for me. 

I decide to push my luck and flip the script a little, watching his face for any reaction - good or bad. "I love you like this, sir. Wild." 

"You're the only person who can get me wild, Shepard, the only one. Fuck, you drive me crazy." 

"Go crazy for me," I whisper to him, and then I tilt my head down and lick the head of his dick. Garrus moans, dropping his head back in bliss, and I need more of that so I drop my chin again and catch the wide crest of his cock in my mouth when it comes within reach. I suck hard while he keeps thrusting, but then I jerk my head up in surprise when I feel his fingers between my legs. 

Garrus is reaching back behind him, using impressive reach to slip a finger inside me, the angle letting him rub my clit too. He's more frantic than in a rhythm but I love him like this as much as I love him methodical and careful and cautious. I don't need him perfect, I just need him with me. 

I'm certainly with him, Garrus manipulating me flawlessly, and I don't have to do much at all for him to enjoy my breasts apparently. I file that knowledge away for later, hoping I remember when I can't really think straight, his focus now entirely on my clit. 

"Baby," he grunts, head falling forward again. "Gonna cum. Can I?"

"Just don't stop," I cry, thrusting my hips against his hand and barreling toward the same peak he is. "Cum wherever you want. Just...oh, Garrus, yes. Don't stop." 

"Elle, baby...yes." He trails off in a moan, and I register the first burst of his orgasm hitting my jaw before my mind goes blank and we're both crying out. I beg him and don't even know what I'm begging for, bliss crashing over me in waves. When I finally come back down, Garrus is shifting backward to lay between my legs. He settles lightly on top of me and I reach for him this time, just as his forehead comes to rest against mine. 

"That was new," I admit, unable to keep the smile from my face. My body is tingling. 

"That was fucking hot," he growls in response, nuzzling me. He pulls away a little and runs his thumb over my cheekbone, and then my jaw. I don't know why until he shows me his hand, his own cum on his finger. After he took it off my face. Holy...

Before my inhibitions can get in the way, I catch his hand and pull it close, licking the cum off and letting him watch me swallow it. "Perfect," I repeat. 

Garrus growls and kisses me hard and fast. "You have more in you? I wanna fuck you hard, baby." 

"So much more, yes." 

"Good girl. Roll over." He kisses me once more and then sits up to let me, and I obey him eagerly, getting up on my knees. Garrus leans past me and collects the ribbon. "I'm gonna tie your hands back here. Tell me if it's too tight; I don't know enough about human shoulders to guess." 

"I'm flexible," I assure him, grinning over my shoulder. 

"Don't I know it." He nips my ear and then straightens behind me, pressing down between my shoulders so that I rest my head on the pillow again, and then pulling my arms behind me. He ties my forearms together, pulling my shoulders back enough to arch my spine and push my breasts forward. It's not a position I'd choose but it's not bad, and when Garrus glides a hand up my spine with a growl, there's no way I'm going to ask for a change. "Feel okay?"

"Your cock will feel better." 

He laughs. "You're full of spunk this morning, huh?" I jump when a firm slap lands on my ass, the sharp pain exactly like when his talons were in my thigh; the only way I can think of to describe the pain is sexy. "Be careful, my love. There are limits to how much I'll tolerate from that smart mouth of yours." 

Another smack, this one making me moan, and then Garrus takes hold of my joined forearms, pulling me all the way up until my back is against him. I feel him lining his cock up with me and he presses his mouth to my ear. "I've missed you this week. I need to make sure you're sore enough to feel me all day." 

And then he's inside me, filling me hard and fast - just like he promised. Garrus doesn't slow or stop or relent, tugging back on my arms and covering my throat with his other hand while his hips snap forward. The man doesn't rely on size alone, rolling and twisting his hips with every thrust. He reaches every inch of me, and he owns them all. 

"How's that, baby?" he growls against my neck, hand squeezing my throat just hard enough that it's scary and teeth scoring just deep enough that it hurts. I don't have the mental capacity to do more than moan what I hope is his name but Garrus seems satisfied.

When his mouth hesitates on the curve where my neck and my shoulder meet, my heart stalls and the breath gets knocked out of me. Since we first talked about 'marking' after I heard it in the club, I've done a little research. And I know that spot is exactly where Garrus's mark will go...when he marks me. 

I very consciously tilt my head, exposing myself further.

He falters just a tiny bit and gasps. "Oh, Shepard. I..." He drops his forehead onto my shoulder and shifts his hand from my throat to hold my waist. His thrusts slow significantly and he releases my hands, guiding me to lay down on my stomach underneath him. "Shepard."

The crack in his voice startles me, and I try to turn my head to look at him, but Garrus doesn't let me. He starts stroking inside me again, slower this time but still just as perfect. I relax; he's still with me. I'll keep him forever. "I love you, Garrus."

He whispers my name and his whole body quakes before he still deep inside me, spilling his seed. It's the most erotic orgasm I've ever felt him have; my mind spins knowing he got there because I love him and because he's thinking about marking me. Because he knows I'm thinking about having his mark on me. 

If he wanted to do it right now, I'd say yes. There's part of me that's scared of that thought. This is so new, but...nothing could be more right than us.

Garrus pulls out slowly and rolls off of me, staying close and pulling me into his arms when I roll toward him. He brings our foreheads together, and I watch him close his eyes. He's been up for a long time, certainly just got active...I'm sure he's exhausted. And he's adorable when he's falling asleep. 

I bring my hand to his face, gently tracing the blue tattoos across his cheek and down the side of his face, to his mandible. They're beautiful, the exact same shade of cobalt as his eyes. He moans softly and those eyes flutter open again. "That's one of the most intimate things you can do with a Turian, you know," he breathes. "For kids, only family can touch our face markings. For adults...only our mates." 

"Oh, I - " I try to pull my hand away, embarrassed and ashamed for violating him because of my ignorance, but Garrus catches my wrist and presses my fingers down again. 

"Last person to touch them was my mom, Shepard. But I want you to. You're the right person." 

A knot forms in my throat, threatening to choke me, and I have to blink away the tears that form rapidly. "How do you always say the right thing?"

"Do I?" he laughs. "I feel like I'm blundering my way through most of the time. And I'm a lot more honest than most humans; I don't know if that's a good thing or not." 

"It's a very good thing," I tell him, certain of that. I appreciate that Turians, as a culture, are intensely honest. It's not something they work at; their subtones means that the truth is always on display for anyone who can hear it. And because they're a people of immense honor, they have a long tradition of brutal honesty with races that can't hear it, so they're treated in the exact same way as Turians. Humans...humans lie. 

Garrus yawns, the expression genuinely cute on someone who oozes sex appeal at all times. He smiles softly when I laugh at it, and his eyes start to close again, like they're too heavy for him to keep open. 

I lean forward and kiss his forehead. "Sleep. I'll see you in a few hours." 

He mumbles something but the only word I can understand is 'kid' so I don't push him on it and get out of bed slowly so I don't disturb him. I don't think much could wake him right now, though. Garrus this cute is too hard to resist and too rare, so I use my Omni-Tool to take a picture. I also remind myself to take many more pictures with and of him; I can't trust that forever will be as long as I'd like.

I take a quick shower, get dressed, and check my email at my desk. There's a very recent note from the Illusive Man; leaving Garrus in bed is hard enough anyway, but leaving for that guy is much worse. Still, it sounds urgent and that's such a big change from his normal "above it all" attitude, I head right for the comm room. 

The moment I step onto the holo-plate, it registers me. The flow of orange lights up from my feet is a little too familiar to what happened with Project Overlord, and I need a few deep breaths to settle. I'm calm again before the Illusive Man appears in front of me, in a chair with his usual drink and cigarette. Behind him is an image of a planet with a beautiful atmosphere. I'm not sure he deserves such a nice view. 

"Shepard, I think we have them!" he tells me, no preamble and no greeting. He sounds as excited as the tone of his email did. 

I can't help sharing in that excitement if he means what I think he does. We have gotten no leads, heard nothing about the Collectors in weeks - not since Freedom's Progress. It's been frustrating the whole crew, me especially. The Collectors will take me right to the Reapers, and I owe them a life. 

"Horizon, one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems, just went silent," the Illusive Man continues. "If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?

"Not yet," I answer. The Salarian would have told me if he were done. I hope I haven't distracted him too much, especially with putting him in charge of David's care. He never complained but...

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." The Illusive Man pauses to take a deep drag from his cigarette. I'd bet money the habit looks a lot better on Garrus. 

"I'll have Joker set a course right away." 

He nods. "There's something else you should know." He pauses for another drag. I wonder if the guy ever actually inhales fresh air. "One of your former crew is stationed on Horizon. Kaidan Alenko." 

I blink, surprised. It's not what I expected to hear, not at all. I also didn't expect to really react when thinking about Kaidan ever again but...familiar faces are in short supply these days. "Last I knew, Kaidan was Alliance. Why is he out in the Terminus Systems?"

"Officially, it's an outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies," he replies. "But they're up to something. And if they sent Commander Alenko, it must be big." 

Commander? Well. Kaidan got himself a promotion in the last two years. It's not surprising; he's always been a company man and a good soldier. I shake it off, focusing on the colony. Horizon needs our help. 

"We should send a message to the Citadel," I suggest. "The Alliance can give us reinforcements." 

"Not until you investigate." He answers so quickly that I know he was expecting that from me. "I don't want the Alliance getting in our way. Once you have the situation under control, I'll send the message personally." 

I don't believe him, but I can always send the same message along just in case. I certainly won't rely on him. Nothing about this seems right. And it's not just my fearless terrorist boss I have concerns about. 

"The Collectors just happen to pick a colony with one of my former crew?" I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head. "I don't buy it." 

"It shouldn't be a surprise the Collectors are interested in you. Especially if they're working for the Reapers. They might be going after him to get to you." 

The words aren't even out of his mouth before I know for certain that the Illusive Man has been expecting something like this. He may even have been watching Horizon and other places where my old teammates are stationed, anticipating a Collector attack. And instead of warning me or them, so they could be safe, Kaidan is in a colony that is or will be under attack very soon. 

Arguing with the Illusive Man about his morals won't get me anywhere but further from Kaidan. "Send the coordinates." 

"This is the most warning we've ever had, Shepard," he says, that excitement back in his voice. "Good luck." 

I end the call and the hologram falls away, taking the Illusive Man with it. "Joker," I tell the room, expecting that he's been listening. "Set a course for Horizon. Please get Garrus up for me and tell Jack to gear up. I've got to go see the professor." 

"Aye, aye Commander." 

It's a short walk to the Tech Lab where Mordin lives and spends just about all of his time. The man is nothing if not a hard worker and considering the pressure Cerberus has put him under for this mission, that's a blessing. At the moment, he's standing in front of a big glass tank. I join him and look inside. 

There's a rather large bug-like thing flying around. It's a Collector; I recognize it from the vids we saw on Freedom's Progress except smaller. And winged. I don't actually know if all Collectors have wings but I really hope the damn things can't fly. 

This bug is flying erratically, almost pissed off, and slamming into the glass. Mordin is watching it closely. 

"You’ve done a lot for the crew and for me, Mordin," I tell him. "I know I've kept you busy, and I appreciate you being able to multitask. But please...tell me you have something." 

Mordin straightens and turns to me, stone-faced for just a moment. And then he smiles. "Yes." 

*****

I fell asleep to a beautiful woman, her body soft and warm and covered in lace she put on just for me. I wake up not even an hour later to Joker, singsonging my name over the comms. "Wakey-wakey, sunshine," he calls. 

"No," I respond, pulling the pillow over my head. "Leave me alone." 

"It's not me who needs you," he laughs. "There's a redhead on a mission - literally - who is calling for you." 

Damn it. There's no way I can ignore that. 

I move the pillow and sit up slowly. "What's going on?" I ask, rubbing my face. 

"A human colony in the Terminus Systems - Horizon - went dark. The Illusive Man and Shepard think the Collectors are heading there." 

I get up right away, looking for my pants until I remember I need a shower. Even if I'm just getting in armor, it's inappropriate to do it covered in both of our sweat and fluids. It's a mission, but I don't know if it's the mission Shepard and the Illusive Man think it is. 

"Colonies in the Terminus Systems are open to hits from pirates and mercs," I remind Joker, heading for Shepard's bathroom. My bathroom. Certainly the nicest one I've ever had on a ship or apartment of my own. "What makes them think it's the Collectors?"

"Because the Collectors and Reapers seem to have a thing for hunting Shepard, and someone Shepard knows is on that colony. Commander Kaidan Alenko." 

Something cold and heavy sinks into my gut at that name. Instantly, I'm assaulted by memories of Alenko and Shepard kissing in a room just like this one, just a few feet from where I'm standing now. She was leaning into it, holding his hand...she wanted it. At least then, she wanted him. Does she still? 

The next memory that comes to mind of Alenko is the night before I left the Citadel for Omega, before I dumped my life to start over. I force it out of my mind. I need to not be pissed if I have to save the guy from Collectors, and I can't be distracted if Shepard needs me against an enemy like them. I thank Joker for the information and promise to be down for breakfast and briefing with Shepard in half an hour. 

I want a chance to talk to Shepard before we get down there. Maybe just hearing from her that she's not interested in Alenko will help. Unless she's lying. I shake that off. Shepard doesn't lie to me. She's not a liar. Maybe I just need to hear her say that she loves me. 

I shower, pull on my BDUs, and then gear up in my armor. I get the sheets off the bed and into the laundry chute as well since cumming all over Shepard isn't conducive to staying neat. Thinking about this morning will help me keep my head on around Alenko, too. But it might also cause an erection in my armor and that won't help anyone at all. 

Shepard in the Mess Hall when I arrive, and she has perfectly prepared coffee and a breakfast tray ready for me. I kiss her quickly before sitting down. Jack is fiddling with a pistol so I assume she's coming with us; Shepard is going to need to get upstairs and get her armor on. I can follow her up and talk about Alenko then. We'll have a few minutes to spare before getting to Horizon. 

"So, Collectors are down there?" Zaeed asks. "Maybe we should all go down, hit 'em full force." The look on his face suggests he doesn't give a crap about force against the Collectors; he just wants bloodshed. 

Shepard shakes her head. "We don't know what's down there yet. The colony went dark. We only think the Collectors are a possibility because it's so similar to Freedom's Progress and the other colonies hit." 

Only? I almost drop my coffee mug and have to make a significant effort to keep my cool. Maybe I'm misunderstanding. 

"That's the only reason?" I ask, looking up at her. 

"Yeah. This could just as easily be pirates but we'll save the colony either way." She goes for a smile, but it's tight and doesn't reach her eye. And then Shepard tucks her hair behind her ear. I've never seen her do that before. Maybe that's because I've never seen her lie to my face before. 

My stomach drops, taking my appetite with it. Shepard lied to me. And not about something small or silly. She lied about Kaidan Alenko. 

I manage to hold out at the table until Shepard leaves to go get her armor on. I don't follow her. I'm not going to bring it up if she's not. I'm not going to give her another chance to lie to me. 

I toss the rest of my breakfast and head to the Cargo Bay to gather my weapons and armor, as well as be near the shuttle when it's necessary. The elevator dings and before it opens, I know Joker and Jack followed me down here. Jack might have reason, but I know Joker is here just for me. Once again, Alenko has forced my shame to be a public affair. 

"Hey, big guy, I...I didn't know she would..." 

"Lie to me?" I finish, turning to look at him. Joker's face flushes and he looks away. I take a breath to calm a little. "You didn't do anything wrong. This isn't on you." 

"So, what, this Alenko guy is her ex or something?"

My hands fist instantly, something in my chest threatening to snap. 

"No," Joker answers for me, quickly and firmly. "He was a lieutenant on the last Normandy. He's had a thing for Shepard for forever, even before Garrus came on board." 

A thing. He seemed so smitten with her and then couldn't give her an ounce of respect after she was dead. Asshole. I do notice that Joker didn't say that Alenko was part of our team on the last Normandy, just a lieutenant. He was at my apartment that night, he heard Alenko, too. At least someone here is on my side. 

"Listen, I gotta get back up there and get us into orbit." Joker steps closer and plants his hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to look at him. "You good?" 

"Yeah. Always." He narrows his eyes at me but doesn't call me out, just nods and walks away. I look to Jack. "Don't say a word to Shepard about this. She wants to keep it a secret...that's her business." 

"I thought you two were real serious, though," she notes, hopping up on the tool bench where I'm quickly wiping down my weapons. They don't need it, but it soothes me. "If she's bringing her other boyfriend back on the ship or rushing in to rescue him...shouldn't you know?"

I can't help the growl that escapes me. "He is not her boyfriend. Don't." 

"Wow! Sore spot, got it. Well." She shrugs and pulls out her pistol, a cannon of a gun. Definitely modified illegally. "If I shoot him in the face, I can always say it was an accident." 

And now it's a laugh that I can't help. "I'll let you know if I need that. Thanks." 

I'm especially glad she's managed to lighten my mood when the elevator dings again, and this time it's Shepard who is joining us. I need to hold my own reactions to her in check, though. Considering I'm having trouble even looking at her right now, that'll be a challenge. 

She's never lied to me before. I don't abide liars...but it's not like I have a choice to leave Shepard. How much about us does this change? 

"Joker, how long?"

"Ten minutes, Commander, but we have a problem," Joker responds, drawing me out of my own thoughts instantly. There's something much, much bigger than my bullshit or Shepard's past with Alenko going on here. "I'm getting a read on defense towers, but they're offline. Totally inactive. I'm also getting a read on something way bigger and much worse." 

EDI chimes in, "I don't have anything to compare it to directly, but based on scans of Sovereign and geth ships, I believe that a Collector ship may be on the surface of Horizon." 

"It's basically inside the colony, Shepard," Joker adds, his tone grim. I turn back to face her, strapping all my weapons to their appropriate places and running through an ammo count in my mind. 

"Get us as close to the colony as you can, Joker, but I'd rather not land right on top of the Collector ship if we can avoid it," she orders. My heart thumps at the sight of a very familiar pistol in her hand. Something in me still wants it, still wants a clear way out. But the gun looks right with her, especially as she fits a heat sink into it. I never would have been able to use it in battle, the way a weapon like that deserves. 

"There's a landing pad for the colony on the opposite side from the Collector ship. I'll get you down there." 

Shepard confirms that she approves and then tucks the pistol on her belt, so I can force my eyes off it. She’s already looking at me. I can see the concern in her eyes and don't know if it's about the pistol or about her lies. Either way, I don't want to deal with it. Pretending to be busy with my scope is almost always a good bet to get her to leave me alone. It works now, too. 

We're not going to need the shuttle once we're down, so it's not a big deal for me to get in the back with Jack. I avoid Jack's gaze, too. All I need to focus on right now is a colony under attack by Collectors. We could lose them all if we don't do our jobs as best we can. My feelings about Alenko are irrelevant. The colonists are all that matters. 

Horizon is a beautiful planet. If not for the location in the Terminus Systems, I could absolutely understand why humans choose to settle here. The location, however, speaks to human ego and bravado. They think themselves invincible. Or they think they can rely on their heros to save them. 

And then when their heros die, their actual work gets dismissed and their images used for recruitment ads. 

Joker lets us know that the Collector ship at the far end of the colony is surrounded by other shuttle zones and storage areas. It's hard to notice anything but the size of it though, the ship a total beast towering over the colony. There's an energy shield around it, similar to what Sovereign had, and it seems to be interacting with the colony's atmosphere somehow, the only clouds in an otherwise blue sky circling the top of the ship ominously. 

The shuttle leaves us quickly, minimizing attention - we hope - and we easily find the path from the pad into the colony. Shepard pulls out her pistol, so Jack and I follow suit. We pass anti-aircraft missiles and defense towers but none of them are doing anything, just like Joker said. 

"We're groundside," Shepard says via our comms to the Normandy. "Mordin, you're sure these armor upgrades will protect us from the seekers, right?"

I've seen him working on this idea. Basically, he fitted all of us with small shields that expand from our armor to protect us. It won't block bullets or biotics - designed only for the seeker swarms - but we can still use our regular shields effectively. 

"Certainty impossible," Mordin answers in his pragmatic way. "But in limited numbers, should confuse detection. Make us invisible to swarms. In theory." 

"In theory?" I echo, glancing around and looking for the bugs. "That sounds promising." 

"Experimental technology," he answers. "Only test is contact with seeker swarms. Look forward to seeing if you survive." 

Shepard chuckles softly. Knowing her, she considers it a challenge. And that's one of the things I like most about her. 

We come across some colonists before long. They're completely frozen, most of them mid step or mid scream. The attack came out of nowhere. "I'm getting readings on a lot of movement through the colony," I tell Shepard, using my visor scans. "But it's clearly not the colonists." 

"Collectors. Stay alert." 

"What the hell is this?" Jack asks, a few feet away. She's looking down at what I know to be a husk, and the sight turns my stomach. If I never have to deal with these things again, it’ll be way too soon. "Sort of looks humans. Is this one of the colonists?"

"No," I answer, shaking my head. "The Geth impaled their victims on giant spikes to turn them into husks but we haven't seen any Geth yet. The Collectors must have already had the husks. They want the colonists alive for something else." 

Shepard is staring at the husk too, her face solemn. "These aren't the same creatures I fought on Eden Prime or the husks we saw two years ago. They're more advanced. Evolved." 

I hate the look on her face. She's not scared, Shepard is almost never scared, but she is concerned. Sickened. 

I cock my rifle and she looks up at me. "They still die when you shoot 'em." 

Instantly, her gaze shifts and hardens - in the good way. Shepard is ready again. "This colony is under attack. Let's head out." 

We reach a courtyard style area and don't get more than a few steps in before several Collectors, using small wings, fly into place. They each take cover and we do the same. Before either side can shoot, one of the Collectors appears to be struck by a bright light...except it's coming from inside the thing. It hovers, limbs flying out to the sides, and then the light explodes before the Collector gets dropped back to the ground. 

When it straightens, I can see instantly that it's different. It's been changed, altered. But how and by what isn't clear. 

"I am assuming direct control," the thing says, its voice loud and mechanical, rough like it's not really a thing made for speaking. "I am the Harbinger of your destruction." 

"Oh, this thing is asking for it." Jack fires the first shot, a hit to its shields, and that starts the firefight. 

We very quickly learn the difference between the altered Collector and the others. It has some sort of biotic power, hitting us with a forcefield that hurts. And combined with the weapons they all have that burn right through our shields, it makes them one hell of a force. 

The fight is long and hard as we push our way through the colony, this Harbinger taking control of several Collectors along the way. No Geth show up but the Collectors brought husks with them to create more chaos. 

A few feet beside me, Jack uses a shockwave of biotics to easily knock down several husks and even the Collectors. It throws them off enough that Shepard and I can finish them all off and give us some breathing room. The tiny human has some serious power behind her. 

"Very nice," Shepard praises her with a quick nod. 

"You could do the same, you know," Jack replies. "You're a biotic, Shepard. Use them." 

I can see the interest in Shepard's eyes. When I consider it, I've never seen her use her biotics intentionally - only when I draw them out in bed. It's easy to understand why; she got exposed to eezo late and the Alliance recognized her other powers, focusing on her as a soldier and a leader. It was a good call on their part. But Shepard does have a power that she never uses and if it could benefit any of us or give her more protection...

"It can't hurt to give them a shot," I offer. It's enough to convince her and she nods, determination coming over her face. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted to see her in action. Shepard is a force. 

And I quickly learn that her biotics are a force, too. Shepard sends out one hell of a blast on her first try, startling even herself. 

"Damn, Shep!" Jack cheers. 

"Impressive," I agree. 

Shepard shakes her head, dropping behind cover and looking down at her hands like they're unfamiliar. "Too impressive," she replies while Jack and I keep up the fight. I keep one eye on Shepard, concerned about this reaction. She looks up at me, something near to fear in her eyes now. "I've used my biotics before. They weren't anything like this." 

"You think they're stronger now?"

"By far," she answers with a nod. 

I take a breath, trying to decide how we deal with this in the middle of a fight. "Okay. We know what changed for you. We'll talk to the source of it when we get back on the ship. For now...you don't have to use them." I shoot a husk in the face before looking back to her. "We're gonna kick their asses anyway." 

She smirks at that and nods, her confidence coming back. She does keep using them though, sporadically, almost testing them. She's going to need a lot of training if she's going to keep using them. I'll have strong opinions about who trains her...especially if Alenko joins the team again. 

Now isn't the time. I keep my head in the game, finally figuring out the best way to use my tech talents to mess with the Collector's ability to communicate with each other. It makes their movements a lot more chaotic, and slows Harbinger down. And blowing up the various explosives crates I can find around the colony helps slow down the husks. 

Jack starts tossing Shepard tips, advice for her biotics. She does it without losing focus and without any of her usual snark. She just...does it. Naturally. I never would have assumed this one would have leadership potential but it's pretty obvious, and I can see Shepard coming to the same conclusion. Jack certainly couldn't find a better trainer for herself in that case. 

We all get a little more somber when we come across pods and find humans inside them. They aren't immediately easy to open but since the humans within are frozen, we don't make that a priority. These are familiar though from what I saw of Freedom's Progress vids. The collectors were going to use these pods to get the colonists off world. 

And there are far too few pods and frozen humans. They've loaded most of the colony onto that ship already. That means we're going to need a way to take that thing down. 

We reach the end of the colony where our only way forward is a huge set of locked doors. The hack is complex so I take over for Shepard and work through it. Fortunately she doesn't seem insulted by that. I wonder if Alenko could get in. 

_Knock it off, Vakarian._

We get through and find the building is more just a lobby, a separation between the residential part of the colony and the cargo area. There's some equipment and a few steps before another set of doors, but no security. 

"Company," Shepard warns, turning and aiming her gun toward the far end of the room. Jack and I follow suit. "Get out here. Now."

A human wearing a hat and a uniform peeks his head out cautiously. Shepard exhales hard and lowers her weapons; I don't until she signals for me to do so. And then the man appears. 

"You're human," he states. I make a sound and Jack flashes me a smirk. "What are you doing out here?" 

"I cleared a path," Shepard responds, her voice hard. I know why; this guy has been hiding in here alone while the rest of the colony was frozen, put in pods, and collected. Shepard does not take kindly to cowards. 

I wonder how she'd feel about Alenko's cowardice the moment the Alliance changed the party line. 

"You're lucky you're not in the hold of a Collector ship right now," Shepard tells him. 

"Those things are Collectors?" He turns away and starts pacing, the name striking fear. "You mean...they're real? I thought they were just made up. You know, propaganda to keep us in Alliance space." He spins back toward us, emotional and panicking now. "Oh, they took, Lillith! Stan, too! They got damn near everybody!"

"We need to know what we're up against to get them back," Shepard says, stepping a little closer. "Tell me everything you remember."

The guy takes a moment to collect himself. "We lost our comm signals a few hours ago. I came down to check on the main grid. Then I heard screaming." Another breath. "I looked outside and there were swarms of bugs. Everyone they touched just...froze. I sealed the doors."

Jack scoffs, also not a fan of cowards, and the guy glances at her before he starts yelling and throws his hands up. "Damn it, it's the Alliance's fault! They stationed that Commander Alenko here and built those defense towers. It made us a target."

At the mention of his name, my visor registers Shepard's heart skipping a beat and she glances toward me. It's like a smack to the face.

She didn't just lie. She was hoping I'd never find out he was down here. And now it feels impossible to believe Shepard doesn't have something to hide when it comes to Alenko.

Shepard recovers though and pretends it never happened. "Tell me more about this Alliance rep."

Of course she wants to know more about him. The bitterness feels hot and sharp in my throat, and I do my best to swallow it down.

"Commander Alenko?" The human scoffs. "Heard he was some kind of hero or something."

I can't hold back the laugh that escapes me, coming out like a harsh bark. Shepard turns to look at me, her eyes wide. I narrow mine at her, daring her to challenge me. 

The human scoffs again. "Doesn't mean nothing to me. I'd rather he stayed back in Council space." 

"Any idea what he was doing on Horizon?" Shepard presses. I get the feeling she's onto something, that she's suspicious about something, but I can't wrap my head around it at the moment. All I hear is Shepard heading toward a reunion with Alenko and my own pathetic inability to handle that. 

"He was supposed to be helping us get the defense towers up and running," the guy answers. "I get the feeling he was here for something else, though. Spying on us, maybe." 

Shepard cocks her head a little at that, maybe considering the conspiracy theory. That's odd. But we don't have time for it. 

"Tell me about the colony defense towers," I interject, crossing my arms. Part of me wants this human to be a xenophobe; I could use an excuse to hit someone. 

"A gift from the Alliance," he answers, about as bitter as I feel. "High powered Guardian lasers. Supposed to keep hostile ships from landing near the colony. Had to build a massive underground generator just to give it enough juice. Only we couldn't get the targeting systems online so the Alliance gave us a giant gun that couldn't shoot straight! Stupid sons of bitches." 

"Why do you think this is the Alliance's fault?" Shepard asks. 

He shakes his head, back to pacing. "We're just a small colony. Nobody bothered us before we started building those damn defense towers and drew attention to ourselves. I left Council space to get away from the Alliance. Nothing good ever comes from getting mixed up with them." 

"Hard to argue with that," I chime in, pretty well beyond caring if Shepard dislikes my attitude. If she didn't want that, she shouldn't have chosen to lie to me today. Spirits, we were just talking about honesty this morning. And it was an amazing morning. And now... She tenses but says nothing, focused on the human.

"The Collectors are targeting remote colonies. The Alliance was trying to help," she explains.

"I don't need their help," he snaps. "Too many strings attached."

I don't want to hear more. "If you have defenses, we can use them against the Collector ship."

The humans shakes his head at me. "You'd need to calibrate the targeting system first. It's never worked right."

"Yeah, well, now instead of an incompetent dick, you have me."

"Garrus," Shepard murmurs, still not looking at me.

"I just need the location," I tell the human, ignoring her.

He points toward the doors behind him, our way out. "Head for the main transmitter. It's pretty hard to miss. The targeting controls are at the base."

I nod and head that way, not waiting for Shepard or her command. "It's probably just better if you stay out of the way." 

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too," he replies. "I'll let you out, but I'm locking the door behind you. Good luck. I think you're gonna need it." 

Shepard and Jack follow me out of the building. "Normandy, do you copy?" Shepard calls on her comms. 

"Joker here. Signal's weak, Commander. But I've got you." 

She steps beside me and checks the heat sink on her pistol. "Time to show these things we can give as good as we can get." She nods at me, giving me permission I don't care to ask for right now. Good Turian I am not. 

"EDI, bring the defense towers online," I order. 

"You should have no trouble correcting errors in calibration software," EDI replies, "but it will take time to bring the towers to full power. I recommend a defensive posture. I will not be able to mask the increased generator output." 

"The Collectors will try to stop us." Jack grins. "Good." 

"We'll stop them," Shepard agrees. "Easy enough." 

"Maybe not," EDI says. "Enemy reinforcements closing in. I suggest you ready weapons." 

I cock my rifle, more than ready. Shedding a little blood - or whatever the Collectors ooze when they die - might help me relax. I'll just pretend they're Commander Kaidan Alenko. 

*****

The battle to hold the defense towers so that Garrus and EDI can get them calibrated is one of the hardest we've ever had. The Collectors have this massive Proterian thing that has incredible shields which regenerate often and a deadly beam of pure energy. I brought one of the prototype weapons from Cerberus on a whim but it ends up being our only way to hit the damn thing. 

The fight might not actually be so hard if it wasn't for me stepping in it big time today. I can't explain, even to myself, why I chose to keep the fact that Kaidan would be on Horizon from Garrus. And I definitely can't explain why I lied to him. But now I feel terrible about it and of course he knows - he may even have known before we touched down if I think about it - so he's pissed. I'd normally be annoyed by his bad attitude but in this case...I deserve it. 

I hate that it's throwing off our normal rhythm, though. Garrus and I are usually flawless in the field. I don't have to tell him what I'm thinking, he just knows, and I can rely on him being wherever I need him. But today...it's not right. And considering the size and power of our enemy, this is about the worst day possible for us to be off. 

And of course while we're trying to manage the beast, we still have regular Collectors and hoards of husks. All while Garrus has to run back and forth from the terminals to help connect with EDI and keep that connection established. No matter how hard the two of them try, it takes a hell of a lot longer than I'd like to get the towers online, armed, and ready. 

It finally happens only moments after we finally get the Proterian down, and then immediately the towers start to fire on the Collector ship. It feels like a victory for barely a moment. And then the ship starts to take off. We're helpless to stop it, the ship blasting off like a rocket. 

"No!" someone screams. The same guy from the warehouse comes running out into the field, holding his arms up like he could stop the ship if he could catch it. "Don't let them get away. 

"That ship is huge!" Jack scoffs. "Exactly how are we supposed to catch it?"

"Half the colony is in there!" He starts frantically panting like it can help. "They took Ian and Sam and-and Lillith! Do something!" 

I'm really not in the mood for this bullshit today. "I did my best. You hid in your damn bunker." 

"Show some respect," Garrus chimes in, barely containing his growl. At least he's still on my side. "If it wasn't for Shepard, you'd all be on that ship." 

The guy stops walking, turning to gawk at us. "Wait...Shepard? I know that name." He snaps his fingers and I watch the lightbulb turn on. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero." 

"Commander Shepard." 

The voice is familiar even before Kaidan appears, sauntering out from the other end of the field. I hate that I recognize his voice. I hate that it's good to see him too, all things considered. 

"Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, N7, Savior of the Citadel." He turns to the guy from the warehouse and says, "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." Then Kaidan looks me right in the eye and adds, "And a ghost." 

"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind." Delan shakes his head slowly at Kaidan, disgust barely contained. "Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." He throws up his hands and walks off. 

I only see it out of the corner of my eye. I haven't taken my eyes off Kaidan since he emerged. There's something different about him, in a good way. But I can't stop staring at him because...well, because it is like seeing ghosts, seeing the people I knew before I died. The people who would know if I'm different now, if whatever Cerberus did changed me. 

Kaidan doesn't watch Delan go, and then he starts walking toward me. He stops a couple feet away and the tension is so thick I can feel it on my skin. I know he's about to do something but I don't know what, and I can't explain why it makes me feel nervous. Like, that sick to my stomach nervous. 

I'm relieved when all he does is come in for a hug. 

And it's kind of nice. It's familiar, comfortable. I had an entire group of people that I was comfortable with, that I spent a year getting to know and getting close to. That was ripped away pretty suddenly, and then I got shoved into a world where Tali won't work with me and Kaidan called me a ghost. I mean, I'd trade everyone in the galaxy for Garrus but...it's not like I chose to leave that life behind. 

Kaidan is holding me safely so I don't feel a need to reject it, and I rest my chin on his shoulder for a moment. "I thought you were dead, Shepard," he murmurs. "We all did." 

He releases me and I part, taking a small step backward when he sort of almost reaches for my hips. I'm not sure if he was going to do it but...comfortable or not, I don't want that. 

I take a breath and give him a smile. The last thing I want is a confrontation the first time I see him. Especially after Freedom's Progress. 

"It's been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Kaidan pulls a face like I just smacked him and scoffs. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened. I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real."   
I can see it coming before it happens and I try to cut it off. Too late. 

"I loved you," he blurts out. 

Now it feels like I've been smacked. Loved me? God. Now I remember what it was about Kaidan that always frustrated me so much. 

A growl that rips out from behind me makes the whole thing much worse. Garrus just heard someone else tell me that he loves me. My blood runs cold and all of a sudden comfortable is the very last word I'd use to describe this moment. 

"Who the fuck is this guy?" Jack mutters softly. Garrus doesn't answer her. And Kaidan apparently isn't done.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart," he continues, shaking his head. I swear his eyes are getting wet. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" 

Okay, well that hits home. I've been left alone, wondering if people I cared about would ever come back. I know I abandoned Garrus, but I didn't realize the rest of the crew might feel the same way. 

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed." I shake my head, trying to find the words to talk about this with Kaidan that won't give him the wrong impression. "You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds." 

"I did move on." Oh, thank God. But then his face falls. "At least I thought I did." Crap. "But then we got reports about you and Cerberus." 

"Reports?" Garrus chimes in. I want to look at him but...I can't. Not now. "So you did know she was back. And you didn't reach out." 

Kaidan shakes his head before I can even think on that. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonists. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me but there were rumors that you weren't dead, but you were working for the enemy." He looks past me at Garrus and his face hardens. "Of course you managed to find Garrus." 

"Wow. Bitter much?" Jack snorts. I can't let petty bullshit distract me. 

"So you know our colonies are disappearing," I press. "The Alliance turned its back on them. And on me! Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it."

Kaidan steps back into my space, and this time I don't move. I know enough about guys like Kaidan to know how he'll take that. I submit to exactly one guy and it certainly isn't a show of weakness. 

"You can't really believe that. We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of," he says, voice rising in pitch like he's urging me. "I wanted to believe the rumors you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in." He shakes his head and takes a step back. "You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

Garrus' growl this time is a distinct warning, and I feel him step closer. It gets Kaidan to take an even bigger step back than before. 

"Kaidan, you know me," I remind him. "You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers." 

"I want to believe you, Shepard," he breathes. "But I don't trust Cerberus." 

"Sounds like you don't much trust Shepard either," Jack chimes in, directly over my other shoulder. She has a point. 

"They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you," Kaidan snaps. "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan," Garrus growls. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat. You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts." 

Kaidan looks up at Garrus, eyes hard. "Or maybe you're letting the way you feel about Shepard get in the way of your reasoning." 

"I'm fine with that," Garrus replies, giving a low and deady laugh. He comes around me, stepping right up against Kaidan even after Kaidan tries to step back. "She deserves at least one of us being loyal to her. And it's never been you." 

"Hey, I know where my loyalties lie!" Kaidan shouts. I startle when he actually shoves Garrus's shoulder. There's a split second where I could intervene but I don't react quickly enough, and then Kaidan is on his ass with a Turian standing over him. 

"Mine lie with Shepard," Garrus snarls at him. "Take yours somewhere else." 

Garrus steps back to stand beside me, letting Kaidan up off the ground. I want to reach for Garrus but I refrain; it's only going to make things worse for everyone at the moment. 

"I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be," Kaidan tells us. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide whether they believe your story or not." 

He turns and starts walking away, and in an instant it feels like Freedom's Progress all over again - another member of my team refusing to work with me. Refusing to trust me. It hurts just as much this time. 

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan." The words tumble out of my mouth like vomit. 

"Shepard!" Garrus turns to look at me but I don't meet his eyes. I can't. And then he turns and walks away, too. Kaidan walking away hurt but Garrus doing it...the pain is breathtaking. 

"I'll never work for Cerberus," Kaidan answers over his shoulder. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." 

He's gone. Garrus isn't at my side. How do I always manage to screw up this badly? 

"Joker, send a shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony." 

*****

Garrus disappears the moment we're back on the ship. Jack follows him after giving me a dark look, and I don't try to stop her or try to find out where they're going. If he needs space, I can't really blame him. And maybe I don't hate having a little of it myself right now. My head doesn't exactly feel like it's screwed on straight after all that. 

When it was just Tali, I could pretend it was a fluke. She looked at me like she wasn't sure she recognized me anymore. The scars have healed a little but I still look the way I did on Freedom's Progress, and it's still not the way I used to look. Kaidan didn't recognize me either. He called me a ghost and looked at me like he barely knew who I was, and then just like Tali, he refused to join my team. 

What if I am different? What if Kaidan was right and I'm not seeing straight, if I've changed? Garrus doesn't think so but would Garrus see the truth? I mean, he certainly doesn't hold me on a professional pedestal which I appreciate immensely but he does adore me. He's unwaveringly loyal to me. As much as I love that about him...does it keep him from seeing the truth about me? 

It doesn't help me that all of sudden, my biotics are completely amped up. I could never before call forth as much power as I did today. It didn't even feel like those powers belonged to me until Jack gave me a few tips to manage it better. Even still it's...too weird for me to ignore. Something is wrong. 

The only person I know who could give me answers about what that might be is Miranda, but the idea of asking these questions makes me feel sick. I want to ask Garrus to be with me for the conversation, to help me get through it. But I can't put that burden on him right now. I just forced the guy to watch Kaidan profess his love for me after lying to him by hiding Kaidan's presence; it doesn't seem like the right time to tell him that I need him. Besides, I'm a big girl. 

So I pull on my big girl pants - which for me, means staying in my armor - and head for Miranda's office. She's sitting behind the desk when I walk in and doesn't look up. She almost never does. I guess being perfect comes with being excessively arrogant. 

"Commander," she greets me, still not looking up. "I was just going to message you and Garrus for ground reports from Horizon. I assume that asking Jack for her report will be useless." 

"Jack was exceptional on the ground today," I inform her, standing behind one of the chairs on this side of her desk and holding the back of it. I can't sit, not when I'm worked up this way. "She's very impressive. I'm going to start coaching her leadership skills as well." 

That gets Miranda to look up at me but she manages to school her features and she knows better than to say anything. "Did you want to give me your report now or...?"

"No, I need to talk to you before I do that. Miranda...I'm a biotic," I begin, trying to keep myself calm. "You know this, and we've talked about why I don't use and definitely don't rely on those skills." 

This time, she fails to hold her poker face. Miranda sits up and back in her chair, folding her hands in her chair. My stomach plummets, and I have to swallow to keep from throwing up. 

"Miranda, what did you do?"

She looks away for a moment, takes a deep breath, and then looks back up at me. My hands are shaking. "We had opportunities during Project Lazarus to make...enhancements. We wanted you as close to the original as possible, and in all important regards - personality, morals, ethics, thoughts - you are exactly the same." 

"There's a but coming, Miranda, just spit it out." 

"But...we were bringing you back to fight a battle that only you are capable of leading and winning," she continues. "We needed to give you every possible edge, and your biotics are a potential edge that you have not capitalized on. We made enhancements to your existing skills." 

I see red for an instant. I want to explode on her; it's a genuine issue for me that I still have my pistol on my hips for a moment until I manage to close my eyes and catch my breath. "You had no right." 

"Commander, you are better at - " 

"Miranda, I got no choice in any of this," I snap at her, losing my cool a little more by the second. "You have like stacks of folders on my personal history. Can you maybe see why having the choice in what happens to my body is important for me?" 

She opens her mouth to just spit something back at me but I watch her falter and then shut up. There's a long pause before she admits, "I didn't consider it. We had a singular focus and...I can see now that is an issue. I am sorry." 

I can see she's sincere and that apology knocks the angry wind out of my sails. I'm grateful for it. The last thing I want to believe is that Miranda - a member of my team and my XO and the one person I need to trust to have a stable connection with Cerberus - has ever had negative intentions with me. Especially when she was responsible for rebuilding me. 

But thinking about that rebuild brings up another question I'm not sure I want answered. 

"How did you make those enhancements?" I ask. She looks at me blankly for a moment. "What did you do to change my biotics? I think if they could just be tweaked or turned up, more people would do it. So how did you do it?"

Miranda stands slowly, taking another deep breath. This one is shaky and it shakes me up, too. "Shepard, maybe there are some things you don't want to know. And maybe you don't need to." 

"Don't you dare, Miranda. You violated me and I'm willing to forgive you, but I want to know how you did this." 

If she takes one more deep breath, I'm going to punch her in the face. 

"We used cutting edge technology and surgical techniques of the sort that are not available or approved on standards markets," she explains, speaking faster than normal. That has to be a tell with her, the woman who is always so damn composed. There's something she's not saying and we both know it, so I just wait. It only takes a moment before she caves. "Reaper tech." 

It's about the last thing I expected her to say and it feels like it knocks the floor right out from under me. "What...what, uh, what does that even mean? I have a piece of a Reaper inside me?" 

"It was a choice we made after extensive research, and I assure you it was the only way that we could manage the adaptations needed safely," she presses, putting her hands up like she's expecting the attack I'm very seriously considering. I should show her first hand what the enhancements she forced on me did. 

"You put a piece of the thing that killed me inside me." My voice doesn't feel like my own. It's almost an out of body experience. "You used the enemy of the entire galaxy and the thing that I'm back to fight against in the first place to rebuild me. I'm...I am part Reaper." 

"Shepard, no," she responds quickly, shaking her head adamantly. "That is not at all - " 

I turn on my heel and march out of the room, unwilling and unable to safely look at her for another second. Cybernetics and Reaper tech are the only reason I'm alive. How much of me is even human anymore?

"EDI, where is Garrus?" I demand. nearly falling against the wall. The room is spinning and I can feel bile creeping hot up my throat. I don't hear the answer and I'm only vaguely aware of someone calling my name while I rush for the bathroom. I just barely make it to a toilet before my body tries to expel it all. I heave so hard it takes my breath away, and my heart is pounding too rapidly for me to catch it again. Suffocating, again. 

"Shepard?" I hear Garrus call. There's a split second before he's right behind me, one hand on my back and the other hand gathering my ponytail and loose hairs to pull up off my neck and out of the way. The cool air over my skin instantly brings some relief, but his presence is a massive balm. "You're okay, just breathe for me, baby." 

I feel another wave and try to push him back, wishing he couldn't see this, but Garrus doesn't budge. He slowly rubs my back while my body finally settles. Or at least the vomiting does. I can feel tears pouring down my cheeks and dripping off my chin, sweat on my forehead, my stomach in knots, my hands shaking. I wonder if it's possible to just throw up all the Reaper tech inside me. 

"They put Reaper tech inside me," I admit, my voice hoarse and harsh. "I'm not even human."

"Yeah, well, being human is overrated." 

Despite the pain, a laugh escapes me. I almost resent him for making me laugh right now, but it eases most of the tension anyway. I let myself fall backward off my knees, knowing that Garrus will catch me. He's right there, guiding me gently onto his lap and then shifting me to rest my head on his shoulder and curve against him around his carapace while he sits with his back against the wall. On the bathroom floor. 

"I'm sorry." I try again to push away from and this time, Garrus lets me sit up a little. "You shouldn't be...this isn't..." 

"Stop." When I resist, his tone changes completely. "Shepard, stop." It's the tone I can't resist, the one he's trained me to respond to. An order. I fall back against him when he tugs and Garrus continues rubbing my back. "Are you still nauseous?"

"A little. I think I'll be nauseous as long as I know there's a Reaper inside me." I look up at him and ask, "How did you know I was here?"

"Kelly and EDI called me at the exact same time," he answers. "I came out of the Main Battery and Miranda was on her way to get me. She explained." 

"She told you what she put inside me? She told you what I am?" 

Garrus doesn't answer me, instead pushing me cautiously off his lap and then helping me to my feet. He leads me out of the stall and to the sink where he guides me to wait. "You are not a Reaper or any sort of other machine," he tells me. 

I scoff and lean against the sink while he grabs a paper towel, wetting it with cool water. "I'm full of cybernetics and Reaper tech. Actual Reaper tech, Garrus." He steps back in front of me, gently wiping my forehead with the paper towel. It feels incredible, but I still feel like shit. I look up, watching his impossibly blue eyes for any sign that he's concerned. "Do you remember the way Saren looked at the end? What if I look like that underneath?"

"Um, you could just keep your skin on, Shepard. That seems best for everyone." I laugh but roll my eyes at him and feel another tear slip down my cheek. Garrus wipes it away and meets my gaze. "Kid, you're not Saren and you're not a Reaper. You're just as human as you were two years ago." He shakes his head, throwing out the paper towel. "Honestly, even if they'd needed to give you full Geth limbs, I wouldn't care as long as it brought you back." 

"Please if my legs were Geth, you wouldn't be nearly as obsessed with them." 

"Well, I might get more work done so maybe that's not the worst thing." He flashes a smile and I can't help laughing with him. Gratitude swells in me and I reach for him, leaning into his chest and hugging him tight. I feel his mouth press against the top of my head as his strong, steady arms wrap around me. "What can I do?"

I shake my head and wince, guilt slicing into me. "You shouldn't even be here. I didn't tell you before I went to Miranda because...I messed up today." 

"So?"

I frown and have to look up at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, so what? Yeah, Shepard, you screwed up. Big time. You lied right to my face and we need to deal with that." He tucks my hair behind my ear and tugs gently on the lobe before dropping his hand down to my and tangling our fingers. "But that has nothing to do with this. I'm always going to be here for you, Elle. My love isn't conditional on whether or not one of us is angry or we're arguing." 

"Thank God it also isn't conditional on whether you've seen me vomiting," I quip around the lump in my throat. Garrus rolls his eyes but smiles at me. "I don't know how to deal with this, Garrus. It was bad enough when I just thought Tali and Kaidan saw the difference in me, that they knew I wasn't right but...now I know they're right." 

"Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. What about Tali?" 

"On Freedom's Progress, she...she barely recognized me. And then she wouldn't work with me. I mean, she said she had her own mission but..." I shake my head and swallow, hoping I don't cry again. "Then it was the same with Kaidan. You heard what he said." 

"I heard that disloyal little asshole blame you for carrying a burden the Alliance is unwilling to," he snaps back at me. "Fucking Alenko," he growls. 

His anger is startling; I thought he'd be mad at me, sure, but this is different. 

"Shepard, do you know that he showed up at my apartment on the Citadel two years ago and told me that he couldn't support me in convincing the Council to continue the battle against the Reapers because he wasn't sure you were right? He actually suggested that maybe the Council had a point, that maybe you were indoctrinated or exhausted or...whatever shit they were spewing. And this, this is the guy that you're going to let make you feel inhuman?" 

All I can do for a moment is blink at him. "I...I had no idea. You never told me that." 

"Yeah, well." He exhales a harsh breath. "I wanted you to make your own decisions about him. If you...feel something for him, I didn't...want to affect it." 

"Garrus...the most I've ever felt for Kaidan was barely a crush when we first met. And then two weeks after I met him, I met you and no other guy in the galaxy could ever compare again. I mean, your dick is - " 

"Okay, come here." Before I can laugh, Garrus yanks me into a huge hug. I can feel his need in it, and I need it just as much, so I wrap my arms around his neck and let him bury his face in my throat.   
"I don't care if you're attracted to him," he murmurs. "I wouldn't even care if you wanted to fuck him. But tell me you don't love him." 

I tighten my hold on him. "I don't love him. You're the only one I've ever loved. And Kaidan definitely doesn't love me. That's not love." 

"This is," he whispers, dropping his hand to my lower back to pull me more firmly up against him. Garrus nuzzles his face in even closer, almost pulling me up off my feet. "Why did you lie?"

"I...was scared that he would react kind of exactly the way he did. And I didn't know how to talk about that." I pull him to look at me and hold his face between my hands, careful on the bandaged side. "Garrus, I am so sorry. There's no good excuse. You're so honest and so good to me and I just...I never should have lied to you. It won't happen again." 

Garrus flashes a grin. It would surprise me anyway, even if I wasn't expecting him to be serious or concerned. But it's even more surprising because I recognize that specific grin and I know exactly what it means. "Oh, I know. I'll make sure of that." Before I can question it, he steps back and catches my hands. "Now, if you don't mind, I've had less than an hour of sleep and need to go to bed. Come take a nap with me." 

"I honestly can't remember the last time I took a nap when I wasn't sick or injured," I admit, already letting him pull me out of the bathroom and into the elevator with him. 

"Yeah, well, I can't remember the last time someone almost threw up on my boots so, let's go. I know you're dying to get out of your armor." 

"God, you know me so well." 

Twenty minutes later, I'm wrapped up in bed with Garrus and quickly falling asleep. He's warm and steady, a constant force. And he's not leaving me. His love isn't conditional and that's...so much more than anything I could ask for. 

"Sleep now," Garrus breathes, resting his forehead against mine. "I'll make you feel human when we wake up." 

"I have no idea what that means...but I can't wait to find out." 

*****

I wake up slowly, a little groggy and a lot comfortable. I'm not a big nap person so it's not surprising this threw me off. It helps that the woman sleeping beside me is incredibly soft and warm. 

Shepard is stretched out on her stomach, halfway underneath me. Her hair is sprawled out over the pillow and her skin is a little flushed. She is stunning. 

It's nice to see her so peaceful now too after everything that happened in the bathroom and on Horizon. She took a couple huge blows today. I never realized how she felt about Tali not being here, and I can easily see how Kaidan felt like a personal hit. And then what Cerberus did, what Miranda chose to do without telling her...Spirits. 

Miranda said that Shepard and I had the same reaction when I demanded to know how she could be so stupid as to think violating someone with Shepard's history without her consent was even close to a good idea. It didn't surprise me to see Shepard losing it in the bathroom even if it broke my heart. She feels violated and taken advantage of in ways I can't begin to imagine, especially considering they put the thing that killed her - a piece of the things that are trying to destroy our galaxy and all of us - inside her. 

I have no concerns that Shepard was indoctrinated before or that she's somehow less than human now. I know her, my instincts know her. She's my bondmate; I could never be fooled by an imitation of the woman who is the other piece of my soul. 

Now I have to convince Shepard. I have to ground her, relieve this burden and this pain for her. Shepard is strong enough to manage it on her own, but it's my honor to make sure she doesn't have to. I press my best approximation of a kiss to the back of her shoulder, to the N7 tattoo that survived her death, and then get out of bed very slowly and very carefully. I'm instantly chilled so I grab a pair of my sweats and a shirt; if I get back in bed ice cold, I'll ruin the mood I'd like to set for both of us. 

I find what I want in my bag, which I keep folded up in the bottom of one of the drawers that Shepard emptied and gave to me. Moving in here was surprisingly easy considering how little each of us has; I can't even fill the two drawers that are now mine. But I do have enough space for important things. 

After stopping by the table on my side of the bed, I get rid of the clothes and crawl back in bed with my sexy little woman. This time I don't touch her, not yet, instead slowly slipping the blanket off her. Warm-blooded, she'll be just fine for a couple minutes in the room she keeps warm enough for my comfort. And the view of all this soft skin is just too hard to resist. 

Shepard doesn't like her scars. She'll probably like them even less now, considering the orange glow from cybernetics is always what she hates most about the marks. I hate the visual reminder that I lost her, but they do nothing to change how gorgeous she is. I hate knowing how badly she was hurt, but I think it's an incredible show of her strength. A map of what she's been through all over her body. 

I start at a scar low on her ribs and run my tongue over it slowly. Her skin has a sweet taste I love and then when she starts to sweat, it gets a salty undercurrent I swear I've become addicted to. Someone should give me a medal for not licking her every time we're in battle. Which reminds me that I need to create an opportunity to fuck her in our battle armor. 

I'm going to get hard even faster than I intended if I keep up those thoughts, but I keep my focus on her body and make a slow trail up her spine. Every inch of her is sensitive so I'm not surprised when she starts to stir after a couple gentle licks. I nip lightly and she's awake in an instant. And lucky me, she's hot in that same moment, whispering my name and lifting her hips. The scent of her arousal hits me, that cinnamony essence becoming musky and even more attractive. 

I lick a hot line between her shoulder blades and up to her nape, then nip my way across her shoulder. "Please tell me you at least slept for a couple hours before waking up with a hard on." 

"I don't have a hard on yet." I gather her hair, pulling it to one side, and then lean over her back to whisper in her ear. "You're gonna help me with that." 

She moans and I see her hands fist in the sheets. 

I shift away and slide to the edge of the bed, resting my feet on the floor. Shepard rolls to look at me with a frown but she smiles when I motion with my head for her to come to me. She scrambles across the bed, fresh faced and eager and so damn sexy, and stands in front of me with next to none of the insecurity I'm used to from her. Fierce satisfaction and pride lights in my chest, and I reach out to tug her between my legs. With the height of the bed and our size difference, she's still barely a head taller. 

"We've been playing around with the idea of discipline. Punishment." Her cheeks start to glow almost immediately and I hear her breath catch but she doesn't step back, doesn't reject it outright. "We need to have a serious conversation about your feelings on it, my expectations...your limits." 

"I...I don't know if I have the experience to talk about it," she breathes, voice shaky. "I don't know..." 

I take her hand and pull her to sit down on my thigh, loosely wrapping my arms around her hips. "You like a little pain. It grounds you, it excites you. We've both seen that." Her blush glows even redder but she nods. I love when she's shy. "I want to spank you. At least with my hand, with implements if you want to work up to that. I want you to accept it for what it is: a punishment. That being said, you will know the reasons for it. I won't punish you just to be sadistic; I will spank you just because you like it, but that will be separate. Do you understand?" 

"Yes." It's got to be a good sign that she answers so quickly, so firmly. 

"Depending on what rule you broke and why, I may punish you in other ways. Less painful, more creative." 

She narrows her eyes. "I think we'll have to wait and see if edging is less painful than spanking." 

"Fair enough," I laugh, almost desperate to kiss her. But we have more important things to do and talk about right now. "Do you know why I want to spank you tonight?" 

Shepard swallows hard, her gaze dropping for a second. "I lied to you. I hid knowing about Kaidan on Horizon from you." 

"Yes. But I need you to understand that whether or not I forgive you isn't based on punishment. This isn't about you earning that, okay? It's about that mindset we talked about. I set rules, you disobey them, there are consequences." I squeeze her closer. "But I meant what I said; my love for you is not conditional. I don't need this, only you. We do this because we both want to and only for that reason. Understand?"

She catches me off guard, kissing me hard on the mouth, and then murmurs, "Yes, I understand. Thank you." 

"Good girl. Stand up." She obeys, and then I take hold of her hand, and yank her over my thigh in one smooth movement. She yelps but doesn't resist and whimpers when I trap her with my other leg. "I appreciate that you're already naked," I tell her honestly, running my palm over her ass. Spirits, I can't wait to see this pink up. 

"Please talk me through this, Sir," she breathes. I can feel her tremble. 

"Always, my love," I promise. I take a breath and force myself not to coddle her. She needs this as much as I do. "You lied to me. Right to my face. And you lied to me about something that you knew would be a sore topic. I think five is fair." 

"Yes, Sir." 

And now I'm hard. 

Shepard is nervous, though. She's practically panting and not entirely in the good way. I drag my talons gently along the back of her thighs and between her legs, grazing her core. "Don't hold your breath. Try to relax as much as you can. I have you." She only nods but I let it go. "You're going to count. If you don't count it, neither will I. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir." 

I bring my hand down on her left cheek first, hard enough to make her yelp and bring a pink color to her skin. Her ass bounces flawlessly under my hand. 

"One." Perfect. 

The next smack lands on the right, same spot and same strength. She remembers to count though she shifts just a little this time. I tighten my hold on her legs, making it clear that she isn't going anywhere. I smack the junction of her ass and her thighs, and the 'three' comes out as a moan. The fourth and fifth go where the first two did and she cries out the last number, a little sore there now. 

Instead of releasing her after, I slid my fingers between her legs and inside her, finding her absolutely soaked. "Oh, that's my girl. You deserve a reward for handling your first time so well. You wanna cum for me, baby?"

I add my other finger and then slowly pump them inside her, Shepard moaning and quaking. She's right on the edge, I know, so I press where she needs me. She's earned it. "Mmm...please, Sir. Make me cum." 

"You liked being spanked this much, hmm?" I can feel my erection against her stomach, her core spasming around my fingers, her juices running down my hand and onto my thigh. "You're so fucking wet, Shepard, shit. I may just need to spank you more often." 

She moans deeply and arches her spine before it breaks into a hoarse cry and she cums hard, body clenching down on my fingers. 

"Garrus," she practically whines, going boneless when the orgasm finally releases her. "Wow." 

"You're not done," I breathe, trying to keep myself contained and brushing some of the hair off her neck; I don't know why that cools humans down so quickly but I've learned she loves it. Enough to moan right now. Such a weird species. "Get on your knees and suck me off, Elle. I need it." 

Shepard snaps into action immediately, pushing herself up and then onto her knees, scrambling between my legs. My erection is throbbing, almost painful with a need to be touched, but she plants her hands on my thighs and looks me right in the eye. "Can I take my time?"

Spirits. "Whatever you want." 

She flashes me a dangerous grin and leans forward, not breaking eye contact before kissing the very tip of my dick softly. Those gentle, tiny kisses, continue down my shaft and then Shepard runs her tongue all the way up the length on the underside. She dedicates herself with all the focus I'd expect from a soldier of her caliber, spending time on every ridge and playing with the head. And then she manages to surprise me, her hand coming up to cup my quad and then her head ducking down to join it. 

"Fuck." I lose my balance and have to lean back, propping up on my elbows so that I don't lose my view of her. She shifts back up to mouth the head of my cock lightly, bringing one hand to jerk the base while the other continues to roll and pull and squeeze my quad expertly. 

I know something is coming when Shepard looks up and meets my gaze. She grazes one finger further back, softly and tentatively, but I can't help a grin. "Do you want to?"

She nods with my dick in her mouth, eyes flashing. It's a good look. I hold her cheek to keep her steady and lean toward the bedside table where I left a bottle of lube. I grabbed it in case she needed it after the spanking but this seems like a much better reason. "Keep going, baby, and give me your hand." She obeys, and I slick up her fingers, my heart starting to race. 

It almost jumps into my throat when Shepard's nimble little fingers find her way back there. She's hesitant at first but combined with the suction and heat of her mouth, even a little pressure is intense. I hear myself groan and realize only then that it's been a long time...too long. My reaction apparently spurs her on and Shepard's response is perfect, going harder and faster with her mouth and her finger. I lean back on my elbows again, unable to keep holding myself up while I'm being overwhelmed by pleasure. 

"Shit that feels good," I breathe, my subtones flanging wildly. I have to fight not to thrash my legs or thrust into her mouth too hard but Shepard knows me well enough to realize I'm holding back. The woman also happens to be an exceptional soldier so it shouldn't surprise me that she finds exactly the right spot quickly. Something between a growl and a whimper escapes me, Shepard only sucks harder, and then I feel the back of her throat and completely lose my grip on reality. 

I shatter, vaguely aware that I'm exploding into her mouth. I hear Shepard moaning but she doesn't let up, continuing to bob her head up and down my shaft while her tongue does impossible things. Oversensitive, I thrust my hand into her hair and make a weak attempt at pulling her away but Shepard resists and a second, even more intense orgasm rocks through me. She's forced to pull back this time and I hear her gagging just barely over the pounding of my heart in my ears. By the time I come back down, I can barely breathe and my legs are shaking. 

"Fuck, Shepard. That was..." I don't have the words. Holding myself up has stopped being an option so I collapse and Shepard laughs, climbing to her feet while wiping off the corner of her mouth. She has cum all over her breasts and it's enough to make my dick twitch, even now. "You're gorgeous. And holy shit you're talented." 

She laughs again, rolling her eyes, and then crawls onto the bed beside me. Almost immediately she winces, and while that makes my dick twitch too, it also reminds me of what else I need to do. "That's gonna be sore for awhile, huh?"

"I'm thoroughly looking forward to watching you sit in Mess Hall at dinner," I inform her, finding the strength to reach over her and to the other bottle I put on the table before waking her up. "Roll onto your stomach." Shepard gives me a look, her eyes darting to my erection, but she obeys when I laugh. I sit up and pour some of the lotion into my hands, warming it before I touch her ass - much more gently this time. She moans softly and melts into the mattress. "Feeling better?"

"Yes. What is that?"

"Just a cooling lotion. It'll take the sting out." 

"Thank you. Surprisingly kind after a punishment." She turns her head enough to look back at me. "You're always really good to me, you know." 

"My honor, kid." I swat her very gently after and she laughs before rolling back onto her side and then sitting up. I follow her, even if my body protests a little. It's easier when I pull her closer with my hand at the back of her neck and kiss her. She mirrors the hold and kisses me back, moaning softly into my mouth as we part slowly. "You're amazing," I whisper against her mouth.

"I never get to see you like that," she replies, shaking her head slowly. "You're always so controlled and that was..." She finishes the sentence by kissing me against, throwing herself against my chest and her arms around my neck. That has to be a good sign. I keep her against me while I stand, carrying her, and Shepard wraps her legs around me even before she asks, "Where are we going?"

"Shower. And then dinner. And then you can have like an hour to pay attention to the crew but I need to cum inside you very, very soon." 

"Mmm and why not in the shower?"

I have to pause and pull back to stare at her, trying to decide if she's serious. The heat in her eyes is completely unmistakable. I don't waste another second on the way to the bathroom. 

*****

Waking up to a message that Miranda wants to see me in the morning is just about the last thing I wanted today. Garrus made up for every night that we were apart through the week and every tense moment we had all day. He took any concerns I had about not being human and screwed them right out of my head. I wake with a very human soreness deep inside me. Plus the lingering pain on my ass - neither of which I actually have any complaints about.

But I don't get an encore in the morning, both of us going tense as soon as I see the message from Miranda on my Omni-Tool. I ask Garrus to come with me in case she drops another massive bomb...or maybe to hold me back. In either case, I'm relieved when he agrees and even more when he takes my hand on the way through her door.

"Commander, I - " Miranda's face falls when she looks up from her computer to find both of us. "Oh. I, um...I was hoping we could speak privately."

"No," I answer firmly. "Not after yesterday. And honestly anything you say to me I'm going to repeat for him, so. Might as well cut out the middle man." Garrus squeezes my fingers. I don't know if he's uncomfortable but I know he won't leave; I'll apologize for needing him so badly later.

Miranda takes a deep breath and then stands slowly. "Okay. But I would ask that the two of you keep this private. I...have to share something about myself for you to understand."

It's definitely odd but we both promise.

"When my father was designing me, he focused solely on the end goal. All that he cared about was performance, and he wanted to eliminate things he considered risks or superfluous desires." She looks away from us when she continues, "That included the ability to get pregnant and carry a child."

My heart catches in my throat, almost as bad as yesterday. Only this time I don't want to scream and throw things. This time I want to hear what she has to say. I need to.

"I'm sure you're aware of the Batarians making...similar decisions for you?" Miranda checks, quirking an eyebrow at me. I manage a nod, my mouth dry.

"What?" Garrus breathes from beside me. I look up into wide blue eyes. "What is she talking about?"

"I...they did it to all of us. Sterilized us. Hysterectomies." Garrus shakes his head a little, a pained expression blossoming. And I know that it's pain solely for me. I squeeze his hand, grateful, and look back to Miranda. "Keep going," I tell her.

She takes another breath. "When we were restoring your body, I had the opportunity to correct what was done to you. And I will admit that my personal history impacted the decision. The choice to have our own children was taken from both of us, Shepard. I corrected that for you."

I have to reach out to the chair in front of me to stabilize myself, Miranda making the universe tilt under my feet again. One of my hands lands on my stomach before I even realized I was going to put it there. "I can...I can have a baby?"

"Yes." Miranda smiles, as much as she ever does, but then her gaze moves above me.

I follow her to look up at Garrus who either finds the floor extremely interesting or...shit. The bubble inside me bursts when I realize everything that Garrus just heard. I learned that I can have a baby. Garrus learned that I can have a baby, too but I only need a glance to know that he's focused on the fact that we can't have a baby together. Suddenly the whole thing makes me a lot less happy.

"Um...thank you, Miranda. For-for letting me know. I appreciate that."

"I just wanted to clear the air after yesterday. That's all the changes, I swear." She's sincere, I can tell, and I appreciate it. I thank her and turn to go, pulling Garrus out of the room behind me. I continue pulling him all the way to the Main Battery and Garrus is silent the entire time. As soon as we're inside, he sits down hard on the cot that used to be his.

"EDI, lock the doors," he orders, voice low and soft.

"Garrus." He doesn't move, doesn't look up at me. "Hey. Where's your head, big guy?"

"Shepard," he scoffs. "I saw your face when she told you. You want to have a baby. And I can't give you that."

The crack in his voice almost breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to hold him so I don't resist, climbing onto his lap with my knees on either side of his hips, and then wrapping my arms around him. Garrus leans back against the wall and takes a breath, holding my hips.

"Garrus...it's not something I'm upset about. I've always known I couldn't have a baby and - "

"But now you can. And clearly you want to. I..." He takes a deep breath and lifts one hand from my hip, stopping my heart when he rests it on my stomach. "You deserve everything you want."

"You wanna know what I want?" He nods and looks up at me. I hold his jaw softly and trail my thumb over the colony marks on his face; his breath catches but he leans into the touch. "I want to have a family with you. I bet you'll be the most amazing dad. And there are a lot of ways to have babies. We don't need to get pregnant to have babies together. And that's everything I want."

Garrus makes a low noise in the back of his throat and leans into me, nuzzling his face in my throat. "You're perfect."

"I know. And we can do a lot of practice baby making, OK?"

He laughs and nips my shoulder lightly before kissing me much, much harder. I don't resist, more than willing to start that practice right now, but then his Omni-Tool dings. Garrus pulls away, frowning. "Sorry, that's...it's my sister's tone."

"No, go ahead."

"Thanks. She wasn't supposed to call today." Garrus answers the voice call. "Hey, Sol. What's up? You OK?"

"Garrus." I don't need to know Solana or be able to hear Turian subtones to know that she's totally distraught. I tighten my hold on Garrus, his entire body going stiff, and he wraps one arm around my back to tug me up against him.

"What's going on, Solana? Are you OK?"

"It's...it's Mom. She's back in the hospital." Garrus deflates, his shoulders falling heavily and his head landing on my shoulder. His breaths become shaky in an instant and the ache in my chest breaks my heart, too. "It's an infection, her lungs. I suspect pneumonia and I...I think we can treat it." I remember him telling me that Solana is a doctor and he nods now even though she can't see him. "But it's..."

"It's hard, baby Sol, I know."

"Yeah. She's gotten so much weaker in the last couple of years, no matter what I do." She makes a soft keening noise. She's crying, and I can feel her tears hit Garrus hard. His hand fists in the back of my shirt. "I knew she would get worse over time."

"We all knew it would but seeing it happen has never been easy. How are her spirits?"

Solana laughs a little. "It's Mom. She's...I don't know some kind of superhero or something. You know she's more worried about Dad than anything else."

"I'm sure she's worried about you and the kids, too." Garrus takes a breath, sits up, and leans his forehead against mine. I can't help a smile and he even returns it a little. "OK, Sol, listen to me. You have a treatment plan for Mom? You know the doctors on her team?"

"Yes, and yes."

"Mom is upbeat, Mom is..." He laughs. "She's Mom. And she's gonna pull through this exactly the same way she's pulled through in the past. It's Mom. Right?"

I watch him in awe while Solana takes a breath. Patient, calm, loving, he talks her down. And I can see the fear in his eyes, but he pulls it together for his family and makes sure that his baby sister is okay. By the time they hang up, I can tell Solana feels much better and Garrus is a little lighter, too. Still, when they hang up, my first question is, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I..." He takes a breath. "It's always been hard. And I wish I could be there for Solana. But I know she gets it, and my mom does, too." He smirks and shrugs. "I have to single handedly save the galaxy for it to matter that my mom survives."

I throw my head back and laugh, the pain in both of us easing a little. "Single handedly, hmm?" I push off of his lap and tease, "You know, I think single handedly is how you'll be getting your love tonight."

Garrus laughs and follows me up, playfully swatting my ass while I try to get to the door and unlock it. Fortunately, he's still being gentle. "You have things to do, I'm assuming? I could really use a few hours of mindless calibration."

"My boyfriend settles himself with math." I roll my eyes dramatically. "How did I end up with such a nerd?"

"I'll show you how later." He throws me a lewd wink and we part laughing.

It's been a weird morning, and there's already been too many tense moments, but we have the rest of the day ahead of us and we have each other. And...I might have a plan. 

I walk into the Tech Lab and Mordin looks up right away, smiling when he sees me. A good sign. 

"Hey, Mordin. How would you feel about a couple of projects?"


	22. Pure Filth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone else had a terrible week? Just me? Well, even if it is just me, I decided to boost my mood and hopefully yours with a brief bonus chapter of pure filth. Enjoy.

Life on the ship falls into a rhythm, and we get comfortable. There are a lot of unique and weird personalities around here, but it works. There's an easy comradery. We take all our meals as a group, missions are coordinated flawlessly, the ship is running well, and we spend downtime together. My biggest complaint is how often people come in to chat with me in the Main Battery. Sometimes a guy just wants to calibrate in peace. 

Most nights, the guys let me clean them out in poker or we play video games. Shepard will play with us sometimes, and other nights she'll drag me to watch a movie with the girls. Not that I have complaints about either; Shepard sitting between my legs and trying to keep up on a virtual race track or snuggled into my side during some dumb movie is about the best way I could imagine spending downtime with the crew. And the crew themselves are pretty great to spend time with, too. 

Jacob is growing quickly on me. I still don't totally trust him, not as long as he wears Cerberus insignia, but he's not half bad if I ignore that. He also knows a lot about weapons so we have that in common. Hadley, Matthews, Kenneth, and Hawthorne are easy to spend time with; they're rowdy and goofy and remind me a lot of my friends on Palaven or my crew at C-Sec. Zaeed, once he stops trying to prove that he's some badass merc instead of just another member of the crew, isn't half bad. He's the only member of the crew who can actually challenge me at poker, and I appreciate that. Mordin doesn't spend a lot of time with us, but when he does, the guy has some of the best - and raunchiest - stories I've ever heard. And Joker hasn't changed a bit; we still click on every level and spend most of our time together laughing. 

As much as I rejected Kelly Chambers at first, she turns out to be pretty cool. She's smart and funny, and she doesn't try to shrink me all the time. Gabby is a little fireball once you get her going. The two of them together are always laughing, and it puts everyone around them at ease. Miranda gets better after our mission together and last conversation; she even starts coming out of her office and being a person sometimes. Kasumi is a total badass, very cool. She's got a super chill vibe that makes just sitting with her easy, and we hit it off right away. And she's the only one of the girls beside Shepard who can make me blush. Jack attaches herself to me quickly and I don't understand it, but I love her company. She's like the dark version of my baby sister. Besides, I never complain about someone who can give as good as they can get. 

It's not perfect. I still struggle with guilt. Spending time with this team is great, but it makes me feel bad that my team from Omega isn't here. But now the guilt just hurts, it doesn't threaten to suffocate me. Talking to Shepard about it helps, and taking my meds does too. That makes continuing to take them a lot easier. We're also both missing people from the first Normandy; they were family just like this crew, and it's a little hollow without Tali and Wrex and Liara. Even Ash. Not Alenko. 

Shepard...she's perfect. We feel more solid than ever. After Horizon, I wasn't sure. Especially with the baby bomb. But we recovered, worked our way through it, and came out on the other side. She's feeling better about herself, too. Alenko really threw her off her game but it was learning about the Reaper tech thing that nearly broke her. And I can't say I blame her for that; I don't know how I would have reacted in her shoes, but it wouldn't have been pretty. Shepard trusts me, though, and if I'm sure of anything, it's that woman. 

We're good. We're happier than we've ever been, we're kicking ass consistently in the field, and we have a great team. And I really am making a solid amount of credits bleeding part of this team dry during poker games three nights a week. 

"OK, would you rather..." Jacob pauses, sipping his energy drink. He needs it because he's going to sneak into Miranda's quarters in the middle of the night and have sex with high pitched noises I can hear in the Battery. "Fight Shepard in a shoot-out, or hand to hand?" 

Joker snorts. "Clearly, I could take her hand-to-hand." 

"Absolutely," I agree. 

"At least with a shoot-out, you get some cover," Hadley notes, weighing out his hands. "Hand-to-hand, you're up front and personal with that living pistol." 

The guys laugh, and I certainly don't disagree with any of it. She's a handful, and they don't even know the half of it. All the power Shepard wields in that perfect little package might be the sexiest thing about her. She has made Reapers scared enough that they're drawing her out, trying to goad her into battle and coming for perceived weaknesses. She's put together teams that should never work and made them families. 

And I get to feel all that power under me every night. 

"Bet she's the same in bed," Jack teases, somehow reading my thoughts. I don't dare answer with more than a grin, but it's enough for the human biotic who cackles and nudges me playfully. 

"Have you guys sparred?" Ken asks me. "You and Shepard? You know, with your clothes on." 

I throw a chip from Joker's bag at Ken's face; he catches it and pops it in his mouth, a shameless smirk on his face. "Yeah, we spar. Me and Grunt and Jack are the only ones she spars with, actually. Unless you want me to let you jump into the ring with her, Ken?"

"Oh no, no, no!" he protests much to the amusement of the rest of us. 

"Who usually wins?" Jacob asks, his grin much more mischievous than playful. 

I double my bet and return the grin. "Depends on how you define 'win.'" 

Another round of hard laughter greets that, Joker shaking his head at me. We both know I haven't and wouldn't have said anything Shepard wouldn't want me to. Shit, I've heard her say a lot worse about our sex life to the girls. She knows I have no modesty, though, and as much as I like making her blush, I respect the hell out of her. 

For the most part, the rest of the guys are fairly respectful, too. They get a little rowdy but it's not as bad as what I heard in C-Sec locker rooms or when I was kid in the military academy on Palaven. And I'm pretty sure they know that if they cross a line about my girl, I'll find a new sparring partner and no one will doubt who wins. 

They're cackling about some filthy joke when I hear the elevator ding, and I know before they come into view that Shepard is approaching, cinnamon and citrus wafting toward me. She comes into view with Kasumi, their arms linked and big smiles on their faces. Just the sight of the woman makes my heart leap, and Shepard's face brightens when her eyes fall to me. 

"Heya Shep. Kasumi," Joker greets them. 

"How's it going up here?" Shepard asks, rounding the table toward me. "You all still paying for my new jewelry?"

"They're gonna pay for our house," I answer. I catch her hand when she reaches the head of the table and tug her closer, Shepard not resisting at all. "Hi, gorgeous." 

"Hi, lover." She leans down and kisses me lightly; I swear just that is enough to kill me when she does it in front of people. I wasn't sure we'd ever get here. Jack, of course, makes gagging sounds but Shepard just laughs at her. 

"You wanna deal in?" Hawthorne offers, dealing the river. I don't check my hand again, wrapping my arm around Shepard's hips instead. 

"Actually..." Shepard runs nimble, strong fingers down my fringe and tugs lightly, the sensation directly attached to my cock. "I was planning on going to bed." 

"I'm out," I announce, picking up my cards only to slap them down on the table. I don't waste time getting out of the chair, keeping Shepard close. 

"Oh, come on!" Jack protests, throwing up her hands. "You're gonna leave me for some ass?"

Shepard cocks her head at Jack. "No, honey. He's leaving for this ass. And it's worth it." 

"Oh, Spirits," I mutter while they laugh, fighting the urge to jump her right here. I do drop my hand to that perfect ass and give it a little swat, which does the trick of getting Shepard moving even if she does scold me with her eyes. 

"What the...he had a full house!" I hear Hawthorne announce when we near the elevator. I wave in the air over my head and bring that arm back down again to haul Shepard up into my arms as soon as we round the wall. 

"It's not fair to talk about your ass in public," I growl at her, nuzzling her throat and pulling her legs around my waist. Shepard doesn't resist, letting me go long enough to hit the panel for the elevator and then wrapping her arms around my neck. "I would have gone to bed with you hours ago, baby, you know that? I'd stay in bed for the rest of my life." 

Shepard laughs. "You'd have to get bored eventually." 

"Nope. I'd just lay around with a hard on and wait for you to come ride it whenever you wanted." She gives a sweet little moan, and I nearly lose it while I drive her back into the elevator the moment it opens, right against the wall. "You'd have an orgasm on call, baby. Let's just run away after all this, and I can make it happen for you." 

"God, yes. Can we?" She tightens her legs around me, squeezing my waist with her thighs. "Will you take me away?"

"Anything for you. Especially if it involves my dick." 

Shepard throws her head back in that free laugh I love so much, and I take advantage of the access to her throat with my tongue. Barely a taste gets my dick roaring to life, and I shift my hips forward, getting a fraction of what I need against her. "I'm hoping you weren't like that during the poker game." 

"Nope, all for you. I told you teasing me with that ass was doing things to me." I nip her throat, tightening my hold on her because I'm not sure how she'll react to this. "I wanna play with this ass tonight, baby." Shepard tenses instantly but I'm saved by the elevator door opening, and I shift my grip further under her thighs than I really need to carry her, knowing she'll react to my fingers so close to her core. 

She rocks against me even while I can feel her anxiety. "What, uh...what does that mean?" I take her to the office alcove and set her down on the edge of her desk, clearing a space easily since I tidied the desk for this purpose earlier today. "Wait, here?"

"I've always wanted to fuck you on this desk." I step back from her and drop my hand to my groin, gripping my erection through my pants. "You want this?" Her tongue darts out over her lips, green eyes blazing. I sit down in her desk chair and lean back, giving myself a heavy stroke. "Go in the drawer on my side of the bed and get that bottle of lube. I'm sure you remember it." 

Shepard is aware that I'm challenging her because she knows me so well. But she knows that I won't push her harder than I think she can handle. And I know she can handle this. She's nervous, but she can do this. And after hesitating for just a moment, Shepard hops down from the desk and heads into the bedroom. I take the opportunity to free my dick and relieve some of the pressure on it. Her steps falter when she returns to see me stroking it. 

"Put them down and come over here." 

She obeys this one eagerly, climbing onto my lap with her knees on either side of my hips. The woman knows what she's doing, rocking right up against my erection. I grip her ass with my free hand and pull her closer, locking our gazes before I kiss her. Shepard dives in eagerly, taking my face between her hands and moaning, pressing her chest against mine. She's well aware of my weaknesses. 

I sneak my hand around her back, grazing her spine on the way up to unhook her bra. That and her shirt come off in a flash, and then she's moaning my name when I find her nipples with my tongue. I let my shirt go when she starts pulling on it, and I don't hesitate when she stands to take my pants and shorts off too. I keep her standing and kneel, dragging my tongue between her hips bones while pulling her pants down. I duck a little lower and flick my tongue over her clit, Shepard quaking hard at the contact. 

"Up on the desk." Shepard is beaming when she follows the order, definitely more relaxed now. "Put your hands on that shelf behind you and don't move them again." She does, the position makes her spine arch just a little. The angle is stunning. I direct my eyes between her legs. "Show me." 

I hear her breath catch but Shepard doesn't wait to spread her legs, showing me what I want so badly. So pretty, smooth and pink and glistening. She smells incredible and she tastes even better. 

Shepard whimpers when I move in front of her, running my teeth and tongue up the inside of her thigh slowly. "Put your feet on my shoulders." She obeys quickly, eagerly. "Don't be afraid to tell me if I'm doing this right." 

I tease her, keeping her thighs spread and lightly licking and nibbling along the crease of her thigh and groin, along her soft lips, just outside her sex. I stay away from her clit but get close enough that she quivers. I know this woman; I know how to rile her up, how to get her squirming and begging for me. 

"Oh, Garrus," she breathes when I spread her folds gently with my fingers. "That feels incredible. So good." 

I reward her for it, slipping my tongue just barely inside her. I can't help the growl that escapes me when her sweet taste explodes over my tastebuds. She shivers at the sound. Her little noises are very obviously begging; she's breathing heavily, and I know a desperate need is building inside her. And she knows that I'm a sniper; I can be patient.

I circle her clit with my tongue slowly, so close to where she needs me without ever touching it, and she rocks her hips to try and convince me silently. I can hear the shelf creak under the pressure from her hands, and I know she wants to grab my head or maybe even touch herself. But she also wants to obey. She wants to submit to me. Perfect woman. 

I drag my tongue all the way up her slit and to her clit. Shepard gasps and arches further, using her feet on my shoulders for leverage to lift her hips. 

"Did I say you could move, Elle?" I ask, pulling back only enough to look at her and my fingers playing on either side of her throbbing clit. 

"N-no," she stammers. 

I narrow my eyes at her. "No what, Elle?" I spread her and blow gently against her clit, aware that this is torture and enjoying it. 

She moans, knowing exactly what I want. "No, sir." 

"Good girl." I slip one finger slowly inside her, curling it toward the front of her body and massaging the spot that drives her wild. I lean in and lick my tongue over her clit once and then again. She gasps out my name, legs straining so I know she's trying her hardest to stay still. 

I pull my finger out and graze it softly over her before slipping lower, teasing the tight ring of her ass. I can't help pulling back to watch her when I increase the pressure just a little. "Garrus," she gasps, white knuckling the shelf when my finger slips just barely inside her. 

"Talk to me," I breathe, hearing my own voice rough with arousal. "Tell me this is okay, baby." 

"Garrus, I..." Her face explodes with a blush when she trails off, and I watch her squeeze her eyes closed. She's exposed, vulnerable. I get it, and while that's part of my goal, I don't want her to suffer through submission. 

"Shepard, look at me." She does, eyes wide and bright. "I only ever want to make you feel good, you know that. Relax. Trust me. Okay?" 

She licks her lips and nods once, her eyes falling closed again when I press my finger deeper inside her. The inside of her ass is scorching hot, unbearably tight. I've never felt anything like it before and I have to struggle for restraint. I talk her through it for both of our sake. "It's a lot of pressure, I know. A little odd too, right?"

"Uh-huh," she mutters, breathing hard and fast. I can feel her heartbeat around my finger, and it's pounding. "But it's good," she whispers. "Really good." 

"That's my girl." I want her to relax and enjoy this, but I know how hard it is to not focus on it. I get back to work with my mouth, still teasing and not giving her enough pressure or friction but more than enough to keep her focused on the sensations building.

I can feel the muscles in her core tightening, her thighs quivering. Her hips start to rock against my mouth, and my finger slips completely inside her ass. I fuck her slowly with it, lashing at her clit with my tongue. 

"Garrus!" The sound is somewhere between a gasp and a moan. "Oh, God. Oh, fuck, Garrus!" 

It's the sexiest I have ever seen her, and that's really saying something with this woman. "Like that, do you?" 

"Yes!" she cries. 

I increase the speed of my finger while my tongue flicks at the same rhythm. I growl, insanely aroused, and Shepard explodes. She screams my name, one hand slapping down hard on the desk to brace while she erupts, a flood of her sweet juices covering my tongue. 

I never, ever want to stop but she's given me the perfect opportunity, and I can't pass on it. I lap slowly while she comes back down from the high, panting and sweaty. I keep my voice in the deep register she likes so much when I ask, "Did I tell you that you could take your hand off the shelf?"

She blinks and looks down at her hand, clearly realizing only then that she moved at all. I watch her throat work on a swallow before she answers, "No, sir." 

I stand, staying close to force her to tilt her head back to look up at me. Now I can't stop growling. "You know you need to be punished, right? If I didn't know better, I'd say you want it." 

Shepard's eyes scan me from head to toe, her cheeks flushing again when she meets my eyes. "I do." 

I have to close my eyes to deal with the rush from that confession and the look in her eyes, anticipation and maybe a little fear. I dive down and take her face in between my hands, kissing her hard and fast. "I'm crazy about you." Shepard smiles and I take a step back, giving myself a second to get control, and then command, "Stand up." She does quickly. "Turn around and bend over the desk, palms flat.

Again, she obeys. I can tell she's eager, and it makes me smile. Almost as much as the view of her ass does. 

"Good girl. You know the rules." 

I lift my hand and bring it down for rapid, firm contact with her bare ass. Her gasp tells me that it stings. Her voice rings out clear. "One!" 

Perfect woman. The scent of a new wave of her arousal reaches me and it relieves any lingering concerns I have about this. She likes this.

And so I give it to her, ringing down another slap, a little harder than the last. "Two," she gasps. 

I caress her ass lightly between the next four slaps and don't miss an opportunity to tease her perfect cunt with gentle touches, keeping it at odds with the stinging heat ringing down on her ass. She's squirming and glistening wet after six. It's for the best since I'm going to explode if I don't get inside her soon. 

I lean over her back and place my mouth near her ear, noticing my voice has gotten huskier. "Spread your legs." 

She whimpers and obeys, letting me take position behind her. I can only hope she understands how insanely arousing I find her submission. She is an incredibly strong and brave woman with a willpower like a mountain standing up to the wind, but when we're alone, Commander Shepard - the Commander Shepard - is all mine. And knowing that this woman belongs to me is enough to drive me wild. 

I take my almost painfully erect cock in my hand and drag it over her slit, avoiding where I know she wants me. Shepard rises up onto her toes so I don't have to crouch so far, and I know she's thinking about just slamming her hips back into me, so I press her firmly to the desk with one hand between her shoulder blades. 

The beautiful woman in front of me arches her back and moans, her legs trembling while I drag the head of my cock and up and down the wet lips of her body. It still amazes me that she can take me, all of me, considering our size difference. Nothing this woman manages to handle should surprise me anymore, though. 

I press lightly against her, never entering, before circling her already swollen clit. I ache for her in exactly the same way her body is craving me. 

"Tell me what you want, Elle." 

I hear her teeth grind together. "You know what I want," she groans while I slide over her clit again. She's so soft. I want nothing more than to drill her for hours, but I know she's enjoying this when she remembers to add, "Sir." 

"Hmm, I'm not a mind reader, my love." I move my hips away just enough so the threat of leaving her is there. 

"I want you to fuck me." 

Somehow, I find the strength not to collapse at those words. "You'll have to be a little louder, I didn't catch that." 

"I want you to fuck me!" she snaps. 

"Elle…” 

Shepard slams her fist down on the table, trying to get me inside her with just her hips. She growls again when she realizes I'm not letting her go. I don't have complaints; I like when she fights being submissive as much as I enjoy the actual submission. 

"I want you to fuck me, Sir!" 

I give her just a little, rocking my hips forward so that the crest of my cock slips between her folds. Her tight little body grabs and pulls at me, the muscles inside her trying to get the rest of me in. "You have such a greedy little cunt, Shepard," I growl, giving her only a gentle rock of my hips. "I love fucking you." 

"So do it," she pleads. 

I chuckle even as I slide my hand up her spine to curve around her throat. "I love fucking that damn mouth of yours, too." 

It takes immense restraint to keep from fucking her - hard - now. Instead, I leave her whimpering when I pull out, only to make her breath catch when I rub the slick head against her ass. I give her just enough pressure to make her think I might do it before sliding back down and slipping just the tip into her pussy. Her groan of dismay makes me smile. 

"Thinking about it, baby?" I tease, rocking shallowly so that I bump her clit with every move. "Thinking about how it felt to have my finger inside you and imagining what it would be like to have my thick cock buried in your ass?"

"Garrus...Jesus," she breathes, her hands in fists on the desk. I know she's overwhelmed, and I know it confuses her to crave something she never thought she wanted. And I know that I have her exactly where I want her. 

I run my tongue up her spine until my mouth is at her ear and murmur, "I'm gonna have you begging me to fuck your ass, Elle." 

I slam home inside her with one quick thrust, making her scream out while I stretch her wide. I take a moment for composure before pulling back and then thrusting inside her again slowly. Her body grips me like it missed me, and I keep going slowly to keep her focus while squirting a little of the lube on my fingers. 

She groans and arches her back when my now slick finger presses against her ass, seeking entrance again. I continue to fuck her steadily while working into her, but there's a lot of resistance. "Relax, baby, you have to let me in. Tell me what feels good." 

"Garrus...I want it." She finally gets enough leverage to roll her hips back against me. 

"I know, baby, I know. I have you." I wrap my hand around her hip and dig my talons in a little, just enough to sink in a bit without making her bleed. I know the bite of pain will ground her, and I combine it with picking up the pace of my stokes to distract her. 

Instantly, her body obeys me, and she relaxes. My finger slides into the intense heat of her ass, and this time, I'm the one who groans. I feel my cock swell with need for her. 

"Garrus, yes, please," she moans, arching her spine into the sexiest curve I've ever seen. 

"Oh, Shepard. Spirits. You drive me wild," I confess, bowing my head and praying for control while her body clamps down around my cock in response to the intrusion. I leave my hand still for a moment so she can adjust before I start fucking her in contrast to my hips, picking up the pace enough to make her moans carry through the room. 

"Oh, please. Please!" she cries. I don't make her beg for it anymore, too eager to feel her climax. I snap my hips harder and faster, only needing a few strokes before Shepard absolutely shatters, her head falling back and her mouth open on a silent scream before she whispers my name. 

I slow and pull my hand out carefully, holding my dick still inside her and wrapping my arms around her. "That's my girl," I breathe, running my hands slowly over her back and thighs to guide her back down. I want to pound away at her until I find my release too but this one needed to be solely about her. 

I stroke my tongue lazily up her spine and nibble her shoulder while pulling out with more than a little reluctance. Her legs shake as they lower so I keep her stable until her heels reach the ground and then I pull her up to stand, letting her collapse back against me. 

After a moment, Shepard turns around slowly and looks up at me with blazing green eyes, her skin flushed and damp with sweat. I'm not short on pride, knowing that I did this to her. 

I tuck a curl back from her ear and she leans into the touch. "You okay?" I check.

"Fantastic," she answers, slumping heavily into my chest. "How do you know my body better than I do? It really seems like an unfair advantage." 

"I promise only to use my powers for good." I lean down to catch her lips for a gentle kiss, slipping my tongue against her bottom lip. She's still shaking and takes a deep, rough breath. I remember the way Shepard crashed last time, so I was prepared for this, and I scoop her up into my arms quickly. I take her to the couch where I put a water bottle on the table earlier and grab it along with the blanket from the back of the couch, wrapping it around her while she sits on my lap. "Little sips," I tell her, opening the bottle and pressing it into her hands. 

Shepard nods and obeys, letting me rub her spine slowly. "I'm sorry," she breathes, hands shaking. "I swear, I liked it, I just - " 

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I told you a crash might happen, baby." I nuzzle my forehead against the side of her head and hold her close. "You're alright, Shepard. Whatever you're feeling is normal. Just breathe for me. Drink the water, try and tell me what you need." 

Shepard takes another sip and replaces the lid before leaning against me, tucking her head under my chin. "I...don't know. I kinda wanna cry again. Is that stupid?"

"Not at all. Cry if you want to, baby, it's okay." She nods and barely a second later, she's sniffling. It's soft this time, not the bawling of before, and I hope that's not because she's holding back. "When I crash, I need a warm drink, and I like something sweet. Usually chocolate." 

"Food sounds terrible. Warm drink might be good, though." She hiccups around the tears. "But I don't want you to go. Your hands are helping more than anything." 

"I can do that, too. Come here." I grab a pillow and set it down on the couch cushion, then roll and situate Shepard between me and the back of the couch so that she's surrounded and has pressure on both sides. She sobs, but this time it comes with a wave of relief I can feel from here. "That's my girl. I have you. You wanna talk, distract yourself?"

"Maybe. I...I wanted to tell you something anyway," she manages, speech a little broken but getting better. "The Illusive Man sent me the rest of the dossiers for the team. One of them is Tali." 

"Our Tali?" I confirm, surprised and happy immediately. 

Shepard nods. "Yeah, she's, uh...leading a mission in Geth space? I don't know, it's weird. But yeah, we're gonna go...tomorrow. Or today, I don't know which one it is." I keep rubbing her back, feeling her start to ease and settle. The tears slow, too. "I think it'll be good to see her. After Kaidan...oh, he emailed me today." She barks out a harsh laugh that keeps me from getting tense. "He went on this ramble about some doctor he went out with and how maybe someday he'll forgive me. And you know what I realized?" She looks up at me. "Fuck that guy." 

This time we laugh together, smoothing out the rest of Shepard's post-high comedown. "I really appreciate Alenko stepping in it himself, you know. Saves me having to remind you that I'm vastly superior." She rolls her eyes at me but laughs. "I can't wait to see Tali, though. It's been a long time. She, uh...I know she tried really hard to reach me after I left the Citadel. Means alot to me. I want to apologize to her." 

"Something tells me Tali will get it. She's kind of the best." 

"Can't argue with that." Laughing together feels great, especially now, but I want to get her in bed since we have a mission in the morning...which is in just a few hours from now. "You wanna get a shower before bed, or just crash?" In response, Shepard yawns. "Good answer. Come on." 

I get up and then guide Shepard up, making sure she's steadier on her legs now. Once I'm convinced, I head for the closet to get shorts for myself, a shirt - one of mine - for her, and panties for her. We both dress minimally before climbing into bed on opposite sides and meeting in the middle. Shepard's head lands on my chest and I hold her closer. 

"I'm so proud of you," I whisper to her. "You did amazing. Now sleep." 

"You...are amazing," she mutters, yawning again. "I love you." In moments, she's passed out. 

I follow her over the edge, falling asleep certain that I'm the luckiest man in the world.


	23. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize it at the time, but last weeks' chapters brought this work over 200k words! I'm honored that any of you (nonetheless so many of you) have read so many of my words and I can't wait to bring you many, many, many (seriously, we're not even close to done) more!

I wake up before Garrus, which is a pretty rare thing. Maybe it's because I slept like an absolute rock; I don't even remember falling asleep or getting into bed. He warned me to be prepared for the crash, and research told me that the serotonin high after punishment or play scenes do come with a drop after. But it feels hard to be ready for that. At least Garrus understands and doesn't believe that my tears mean I'm not enjoying things. 

Although I don't know how he could be confused or unclear on my feelings about what he did to me last night. Those were some of the most intense orgasms I've ever had. It was weird to enjoy something I never thought I could want at all, but I'm glad I trusted my instincts and let him lead. As always, Garrus delivered. I'm sore when I close my legs and roll onto my back after waking; that soreness only makes me want more. 

Garrus made last night all about me, and I return the favor this morning. I wake him with my mouth and then Garrus takes me against the wall in the shower. We wash each other, dress and gear up quietly, and Garrus kisses me slowly in the elevator. I can feel that his mood is elevated but we're both a little anxious about the mission to get Tali, especially after Garrus read the dossier on my datapad this morning. 

Joker and Miranda are in the Mess Hall when we get there, so we prepare over a quick breakfast. "The Illusive Man has no idea why Tali or the Quarians are on Haestrom?" I ask Miranda. 

She shakes her head. "We know that something is wrong with the sun there; it's unstable. But the entire Dholem system is a Geth stronghold so the Quarian presence there is odd." 

"Haestrom used to be a Quarian planet," Garrus notes. I look at him, a little surprised, and he smirks. "Turians learn about the Geth War in school," he explains.

"Okay. So we can expect a huge Geth presence down there, since it's their system. And I can't imagine they'll be happy about the Quarians showing up." 

I take a breath, considering my options. Zaeed hasn't been in the field with me since the time we chased down Vito, but there's a good reason for that. Jack, Kasumi, and Grunt have been on several smaller missions with Garrus and me, Jacob comes along sometimes. Miranda doesn't seem to mind being left in charge while I'm gone. Today, I need tech skills. Garrus is loaded with them, but if I can double his power...

"Kasumi, gear up. You're coming with us today." 

"You got it, Shep," she agrees, grabbing her coffee mug and whirling from the table. Jacob's eyes trail her ass and judging by the shift in Miranda's shoulders, I'm not the only one who notices. 

"Joker, do we have any communication with the Migrant Fleet?" Garrus asks. "I'm assuming they're in system." 

Joker shakes his head. "Just outside. And they aren't answering out comms, but that's not unusual for the Fleet. And this is a Cerberus-flagged ship so...I probably wouldn't answer either." 

I hide my snort in my coffee but Garrus doesn't bother, laughing heartily as he stands. He and Joker disappear for the cockpit, and I know he'll meet me in the Cargo Hold for the shuttle. And I watch his ass as he goes, too. 

After a quick check-in with the remainder of the crew, I head down to the Cargo Hold. I find Garrus and Kasumi there already, checking their weapons and chatting easily. Kasumi is laughing at something Garrus has said when I step out of the elevator, and I recognize his most charming smile. I recognize that laugh on her, too. They're definitely flirting. 

I wait for it to bother me. I anticipate that sick feeling in my gut when guilt hits. But it never comes. I trust Kasumi, I like her, but it's not like we're best friends; we haven't known each other very long. Two years ago, I would have gotten jealous, but Kasumi isn't the difference. The change is in me and Garrus. 

I'm still territorial, sure, and I always will be. Garrus is, too. It comes with being protective of one another which, considering all we've been through, seems pretty damn reasonable. But the jealousy that I used to feel, that I once felt even about Tali, just isn't present anymore. We're strong, we're stable, we're very obviously in this for the long haul. 

"This one is trouble, Commander," Kasumi teases, bumping me with her hip when I reach my gun locker beside her. 

"Oh, believe me, I know," I laugh with her. "I just happen to like that particular brand of trouble." 

Garrus chuckles and swoops in, nipping my throat smoothly before he heads for the shuttle. Knowing it's a Turian kiss makes me blush and Kasumi's grin makes my cheeks even hotter. 

"You two are smitten," she sing-songs. But something tight in her voice, just a little sadness in her eyes, catches me off guard. Kasumi is outgoing and friendly but hasn't shared a lot about her past; I wonder if something there is haunting her and wish now was a good time to ask. 

She recovers though and gives me a bright smirk while setting a heat sink into her assault rifle. I accept that for now and head to the shuttle, loading in with her and Garrus. He's standing at the other end of the shuttle and holding onto the rail over his head. Somehow he makes that look incredible. 

I choose a seat close to him and sit down, lifting my eyes to meet his gaze. I can see what flashes through his mind, my face level with his codpiece immediately. And I let him watch me lick my lips. 

Garrus narrows his gaze and shakes his head at me, mandibles flaring. I know I'm going to pay for teasing him later, and that's probably why I do it. 

We're quickly distracted when the shuttle nears the planet, giving us our first view of Haestrom. The area we're approaching looks something like an old, rundown industrial area. There are large buildings and structures in various states of disrepair but also several outdoor spaces. When the Quarians lived on this planet, they didn't need helmets and environmental suits. Now, there is Geth activity all over; a dropship flies right past us. 

"Shepard, our data indicates that Tali is somewhere in these ruins," EDI tells us. "There is considerable Geth activity and an environmental hazard. Solar output has overwhelmed Haestrom's protective magnetosphere." 

"Got it, EDI. Thanks." I don't actually understand what that hazard means for us but I figure we'll find out soon enough. 

We jump from the shuttle and I motion for it to take off again, keeping it safe from the Geth. We head away from the landing pad, further into the ruins. And then in moments, all of my suit alarms are freaking out and my shields are done. "What the..." It stops just as quickly as it started...the moment we step out of the sun. 

"I'm having serious issues with my shields," Garrus tells me, messing with his Omni-Tool. 

"Yeah, and I'm wearing black," Kasumi groans. "Can we stay in the shade please?"

"Seems wise," I agree. "I guess that's what happens with the solar output thingy. You don't have any tech to block the effect?"

"No, and I don't think a biotic shield will help either," Garrus replies, shaking his head. 

"Okay. We'll stick to the shade as much as possible. My dad always told me that nature was our worst enemy," I muse, setting the fans inside my suit. "Is anyone else goddamn melting down here?"

Kasumi's groan is my answer from her and Garrus scowls. "The fact that it's even hotter here than on Palaven is absurd. We're supposed to be basically the hottest planet in the galaxy. Something is definitely wrong here."

"I hate to say it, Garrus," Kasumi says, "but Palaven sounds like total hell." 

We all laugh and get ourselves back together, pushing forward. We reach a gate that we must pass through, but it's stuck about halfway open. Climbing through would mean risking the thing shutting spontaneously and snapping us in half, so that's out of the question. Beside the gate, however, is an unlocked door and we walk inside looking for the controls. 

The floor inside is littered in dead Quarians and Geth. It's odd for a moment, like stepping back in history. Everyone has heard what happened between these species but actually seeing it continue is uncomfortable in a way I wasn't ready for. 

Garrus moves to a console at a desk and taps a couple times before a voice starts to speak into the room. "Emergency log entry," a Quarian - judging by the accent - says. "The Geth are here. I've stayed to buy the other's time. Anyone who gets this, find Tali'Zorah. She and the data are all that matter. Keelah se'lai." 

Fear sinks into my gut, looking at Quarians with gunshot wounds and thinking about my sweet, naive friend in a battlefield like this. And she's apparently at the core of this mission which does not appear to be going well if this scene is any evidence. 

"Look at me, kid." I turn to Garrus instinctively. He steps close and grabs hold of the collar of my armor; it's not quite wrapped around my throat but it's close enough that I catch the message. "Do you remember how we met Tali?"

"Yeah," I laugh, getting this message from him, too. "She was holding her own against Saren's assassins. I know she's tough." 

"You're damn right she's tough. And we're gonna get to her, stand by her side and help her. Tali will be okay. Alright?" 

I nod, hoping he can see how grateful I am. His smile tells me that he knows, and it's enough for now. We have to get a move on and get to Tali before it's too late. Still, I find a moment to squeeze Garrus's hand in thanks. 

We open the gate and move through it, right into a fairly open area where a Geth dropship is giving us an entire troupe of Geth troopers to fight through. There's sporadic shade, so we have to take a ramp up on the right side of the field to avoid constant sunlight. Even there, we're forced to race from shade to shade while keeping cover and fighting Geth. We choose to keep the high ground, though, since it gives us a tactical advantage. 

Another area of buildings, and more Geth greet us outside of a large warehouse type building. Or at least that's what it seems like now. I wonder how the Quarian here lived and worked, but have little time to think about it. Kasumi finds a shady path around the edge of the courtyard that leads to more dead Quarians. A voice is calling out from a dead Quarian, an abandoned radio signaling. 

"Break-break-break," a man's voice calls. "OP-1, this is Squad Leader Kal'Reegar. Do you copy? The Geth sent a dropship towards OP-2. Tali'Zorah's secure, but we need backup. We're bunkered up here. Can you send support?"

"Ooh!" Kasumi chirps, scooping a gun up off the ground. "Tempest SMG. Can I have this?" Her face falls a little even hidden by the hood when she turns to look at me, halfway to the radio. "Sorry." 

"It's fine. Keep it." 

"OP-1, this is Squad Leader Kal'Reegar. Come in, over." 

I pick up the radio to answer. "This is Commander Shepard of the Normandy. Can we provide assistance?" 

"Shepard, Tali's old Captain? Patch your radio into Channel 617 Theta." Garrus steps up beside me and makes the connection on his 'Tool, sending it to both me and Kasumi on our comms. I confirm that we have him. "We were on a stealth mission. High risk. We found what we were after, but the Geth found us. They've got us pinned down. Can't get to our ship, can't transmit data through the solar radiation." 

I want to drill him for information about Tali. It's really all I want to know at the moment. But I'm aware there's a bigger picture here. It concerns me that the Quarians would do something as reckless as come here, knowing how cautious they tend to be when it comes to the Migrant Fleet. "What brought you this deep into Geth-controlled space?" 

"You're asking the wrong person, Shepard," he responds. "I just point and shoot. Something about the sun going bad faster than it should. Some kind of energy problem. 

That's about the extent of my knowledge, too. "Do we have to worry about the Geth sending in reinforcements?"

"I don't think so. Their patrol ship hasn't lifted off again, and the radiation blocks all off-world communication." 

"Okay. What's the status of your team?" I ask. "How many of you are left?"

Reegar sighs deeply and I can hear how exhausted he is in his answer. "We were a small squad. Dozen marines, plus the science team. We're down to half strength now. Made the synthetic bastards pay for it, though." 

"I like this guy," Garrus mutters beside me and I have to agree. He's got spirit, that's for sure. Definitely sounds like a Marine. 

A bit beyond our current position, we can see the Quarian Marines taking cover and firing on Geth, defending the entrance to a building behind them. They're outnumbered but holding their own so we don't move immediately. I need more info. 

"How are you holding up? We can be there in a few minutes." 

"Take it slow and careful," Kal'Reegar responds. "Direct sunlight fries your shields all to hell. We're bunkered down at a base camp across the valley. I left Tali'Zorah at a secure shelter, then doubled back to hold the chokepoint. Getting Tali out safely is our top priority. If you can extract her, we'll keep them off you." 

It's a dose of hope I really need. "You've got confirmation that the Geth haven't reached Tali yet?"

"Affirmative. Left my best men with her. When you get here, you can talk to her on the comm." He takes a deep breath. "Every Marine on this rock is sworn to protect Tali'Zorah. Long as one of us is still drawing air, she'll be safe." 

There's something in his voice that I recognize when Kal'Reegar talks about Tali. I look up at Garrus and mute the comms. "Something tells me that this is not just about data for Kal'Reegar," I tell him. 

"What do you..." Garrus frowns and then unmutes the comms on his end. "The risks are obvious, and they get worse the longer we all stay here. The Normandy could probably just do an extraction. Is the research worth throwing away your lives?"

I narrow my eyes a little but honestly his big-brother tone is pretty hot. He does the same with Jack and I've heard it with Solana, too. I'd love to see him with babies. 

"Negative," Reegar replies. "I'm going to give my life for the Migrant Fleet. All the difference in the world." He takes a breath. "I'm not a tech expert; I'm a Marine. They said to protect Tali and the data. If you get them out safe, I've done my job." 

"Hmm. That sounds almost Turian,” I note. 

Garrus jerks one shoulder in a shrug. "Our cultures are close; if Quarians had a homeworld; there probably wouldn't be much difference between us at all." 

"Doesn't explain your thing for Krogans," I quip while unmuting the comms again. "Hold your position, Reegar. We'll hit their back ranks." 

"Wait!" he cries. "Watch your ass. We've got a dropship coming in."

A shadow moves over the battlefield, the dropship he saw coming, and sends a blast right down onto the Quarians. The explosion launches the Marines into the air and brings down a large piece of the cement wall, blocking the way into the building they were defending. When the rubble clears, the Quarians are down. 

"Crap," Kal'Reegar says over the comms. "Doorway's blocked. In the buildings nearby, we have demo charges. Use them to clear a path." Gunshots erupt on his end of the call. "They're coming in through the side! I've got to fall back and - " 

The comm cuts off. 

"Shepard, I have scanned the area and located the demolition charges the Quarian commander mentioned," EDI tells us. 

"Put it on my radar." 

"Done," she confirms. "You will need both sets of charges to clear the rubble." 

We get moving, jumping down from our position and clearing out the remaining Geth. They're sending bigger formations now, including Hunters that can cloak. But I rely on my biotics more than usual, and the tech skills from my squad give us the advantage. We've got this. 

"I need training," I growl, mostly at myself. 

"You're kicking ass," Kasumi counters. 

"Agreed," Garrus chimes in. "But if you want to train...please don't do it with Miranda. I'd prefer Jack, I'll accept Jacob." He nails a Geth straight through the flashlight. "Until he inevitably grabs your ass." 

Kasumi cackles and cloaks, rushing a Hunter that's almost down and delivering the killing blow. It gives us a clear field to get inside the garage. While Kasumi searches the tech and I look for the demolition charges, Garrus goes for a console. "Hey, this log is labeled 'Tali's Journal,'" he calls before playing it. 

"We need a core sample to get a timeline on the rate of radiation increase but our equipment keeps dying on us," Tali's voice says from the console. "Shepard once used a mining laser to clear some rubble back on Therum. Maybe I can do something similar with demolition charges."

It warms me instantly that Tali is calling on my moves and decisions to support her own missions. "Okay, that was my idea," Garrus notes, feigning insult. I laugh but it gets caught when he catches my hand. "But do you hear her, Shepard? She wouldn't do that if she didn't still respect and admire you. And Tali could never respect or admire a robot or a traitor." 

"Who the hell said you're a robot?" Kasumi demands from all the way on the other side of the room. She has hearing like a damn Turian. "Or a traitor? You need me to kill someone, Shep?"

I laugh and shake my head at Garrus, shaking my head when I notice the apology in his eyes. "Settle down, tiger. No one important thinks I'm a traitor." 

Garrus brightens. "That's my girl." 

I manage to stammer out that I found the charges around the way Garrus makes my throat tight, which he definitely enjoys, and we move to leave the garage. A Geth dropship flies overhead and drops more enemies, including a Prime with significant shields and armor. 

Garrus gets to work, wiping out the rest of the Geth so that Kasumi and I can focus on the Prime. Within a couple minutes, we get the thing down. 

We move on immediately toward the second garage, but we're slowed by the amount of direct sunlight in our way. It's a greater danger than the Geth defending the garage. We keep a distance instead of going down into the courtyard, taking the high ground from the top of the ramp to wipe out the several troopers and a Destroyer. 

When they're out, we move carefully across the field - avoiding direct sunlight - and this time I aim right for the console and the saved entry from Tali. 

"It's next to impossible to get accurate solar measurements. The radiation keeps burning out our equipment." We hear her give a frustrated sigh. "This sun shouldn't be like this. It was stable a few hundred years ago. Stars don't die that quickly." 

"Frustrating mission," I note, wondering still what was the Quarians so interested in this sun and planet. Maybe it's just because it used to be theirs. I could understand that. 

We have to fight back out of the garage after finding the charges, our way completely blocked by Geth including two Rocket Troopers up on a bridge. It's a huge force and they've got us trapped using the sunlight. 

"We're taking too much fire," Garrus calls. "We should get up on that bridge, Shepard." I glance toward him and he motions to a passage at the right end of the field. It leads to a ramp that will take us up there. The bridge has a lot of exposure but it'll give us distance and a better angle. 

"Move," I order them. We do it carefully, providing cover for one another and making sure we don't let the Geth flank us on the way up. We take control of the bridge and then work on clearing the field. Garrus made the right call and I make sure he knows I think that once we've cleared them out. 

We return to the rubble where Garrus sets the charges, and then we take cover before it explodes. The first door of the building is unlocked behind it, and I hack us through the second. "Biotics and hacking," Garrus muses playfully. "Tali will barely recognize you." 

"She'll recognize your ego," I lob back at him with a grin. Kasumi laughs and dances around him before leading us into the room. She nearly steps on a Geth that's crawling across the floor, broken but alive. 

"Yikes." Garrus puts it out of its misery. 

"Alright, spread out and salvage whatever your can from the Geth." There are a lot of Geth in here - more dead Geth than dead Quarians, but still too many Quarians. While they're looking for whatever is useful, I find another log from Tali. 

"Our ancestors walked these halls with uncovered heads," Tali says, her tone sad but thoughtful. "The sun must have been normal back then. So much space. Walls of stone. It's amazing. I wish my friends could see it. I wish Shepard were here." 

My heart stutters. I've never stopped thinking of Tali as one of my closest friends, but I thought she felt differently. It's been two years for her. She misses me, though, I can hear that from the logs. And we are still friends. It means the world. When it was just Garrus, I could pass it off as a fluke because of his other feelings for me. But now...

Maybe Kaidan really is the fluke. Maybe Garrus was right. 

"Quarian architecture," Garrus muses, oblivious to how full of him my heart is right now. "There's two words you don't expect to hear together anymore." And he's damn adorable, walking around and staring at the walls. Such a nerd. He's the best. 

"The Quarians have some badass weapons though," Kasumi adds, picking up another gun. She's collected herself a whole new arsenal at this point. 

A live communications console on the other side of the room starts to ring in, a hologram of Tali's face appearing over it. "Tali'Zorah to base camp. Come in, base camp. Hello? Is anyone there?"

I hurry toward it and form the connection, although it doesn't look like I can let her see me. "Tali, it's Shepard. I'm sorry. Everyone here is dead. Any survivors must have fallen back." 

"We knew this mission was high risk." She sighs heavily, dropping her head a little. "Damn it! And what are you doing here, Shepard? We're in the middle of Geth space." 

"I was in the neighborhood," I answer. "I thought you might need a hand." 

Tali sighs, not so sad this time. "Thanks for coming Shepard. It means a lot to hear your voice." 

"You've know I've heard pretty good things about my voice," Garrus chimes in from beside me. Tali laughs on the other end, her familiar little giggle making my smile stretch across my face. It helps her brighten and relax enough to give us a sitrep. 

"Kal'Reegar and what's left of the marines got me into the observatory. From where you are, it's through the door and across the field. I got the data I needed, and I'm safe for now, but I've got a lot of Geth outside." 

I shake my head, still confused about the necessity of such a high-risk meeting. "What's this research you're after?"

"It's about the world's sun," she explains. "It's aging faster than it should. I'll tell you more about it when we've got fewer Geth shooting at us." 

"Is anyone else still with you, or are you alone out there?" Garrus asks. He's worried about her too, I know. But he'll be my rock for as long as I need. 

"Reegar had a team of Marines covering me when I ran for the observatory." She shakes her head, stress rising again. "At least some of them are still alive; I can hear them firing on the Geth outside." 

"Would it help if I brought in the Normandy?"

"Doubtful," she answers, shaking her head. "These buildings are centuries old. If you bring down heavy fire, this whole place could collapse on us."

Garrus steps a little closer, in business-mode now. "It looks like somebody sealed the door against the Geth, and the console is damaged. Can you get it open on your end?"

"Oh, let me see." She looks down, doing something. "Yes, I can do it. Here, should be unlocked now." She's right, of course. "Be careful, you guys. And please...do what you can to keep Reegar alive." 

I end the connection and then exchange a glance with Garrus. He definitely heard what she didn't say that time. I'm not surprised when he grins. "I'm going to torment her endlessly, you know." 

I laugh and push him away though I don't discourage it. Tali wouldn't want Garrus any other way. 

We head through the now unlocked door, down a ramp, and through the back of the building. The pathway to Tali is covered almost completely in sunlight, broken only in pieces by cover. Recon drones come out to greet us as well, but Garrus and Kasumi make quick work of them without ever firing a shot. 

As we push through, we get headed off by several Primes and have no choice but to take them on while racing from cover to cover. Garrus gets nailed hard enough to throw him down. He's moving again immediately but my heart stops, especially when the Prime notices him. 

I step out of cover to draw attention and fire on it, giving Garrus a chance to dose his Medi-Gel and get behind cover. Only then do I get down as well. "Are you kidding me, Shepard?" he snaps. 

"What was I supposed to do, let it take open shots at you?" I snap right back. 

"Oh, you two are cute," Kasumi teases. "Also, Garrus, are you familiar with what humans say about pots and kettles?"

Garrus pauses between shots to frown at her. "What? What are you talking about?"

"It's a double standards thing. You took that hit in the first place because you were trying to protect me," she notes, looking right at him. Garrus's mandibles pull tight, a signal that Kasumi is absolutely right. 

"Kasumi, have I professed my undying love for you yet?" I ask, launching a solid biotic hit at the Prime. It gets knocked back, shields down, and Garrus finishes it off with one more shot.

"I don't like either of you," he announces, moving on to the next cover opportunity without us. We follow, laughing at him of course, and move inside. 

There's a security console to lift a lockdown, and it uncovers a window that overlooks a huge courtyard between us and the observatory where Tali is hunkered down. The courtyard is absolutely full of Geth. 

"Well, shit," I groan. It's not going to be fun. I turn toward a Med Kit on the wall and unlock it, stocking up on Medi-Gel since we've all used a bit so far - thanks to either the sun or Geth. 

"Oh, God. Get down!" Kasumi screams. Before I have a chance to turn and see what's wrong, Garrus slams into me. An explosion rocks the room and we both go flying, Garrus wrapped around me. I spot Kasumi diving for cover or at least out of the way in the other direction. 

Rubble rains down over us when the boom echoes out, Garrus on top of me and both of us breathing hard. "Colossus?" I ask. 

"Yep. Definitely like old times," he responds.

I do the only thing that seems reasonable in the moment and lift my head to kiss him hard. He's dazed when I pull away and I shove him off of me before he can recover. "Let's get back to work, Vakarian, sheesh." 

"So getting spanked," he says softly, climbing to his feet. I need the smile he puts on my face while leading the team into a courtyard with that many Geth and a Colossus. 

We proceed through the gatehouse and the path leads us down a ramp that goes to the upper end of the courtyard. A Quarian is at the bottom of the ramp behind cover. He sees us coming and turns to fire a rocket into the courtyard to give us a chance to get down the ramp and join him.

"Squad Leader Kal'Reegar, Migrant Fleet Marines," he introduces himself. "We talked on the radio before that dropship arrived. I still got no idea why you're out here, but this ain't the time to be picky." 

The Colossus blasts our cover and we all duck lower again, another layer of rubble landing in my hair. 

"Tali's inside over there," he tells us, motioning across the courtyard with his head. I take a peek, finding a huge set of doors at the far end. "The Geth killed the rest of my squad, and they're trying to get to her. Best I've been able to do is draw their attention." 

Another blast rockets against our cover. Somehow it's holding. Quarian architecture is impressive apparently. I have to hope that's enough to protect Tali right now.

"Are you sure she's still alive?" I check. 

"The observatory is reinforced. Even the Geth will need time to get through it. And it's hard to hack a door when someone's firing rockets at you." I swear he smirks and I return it, grateful. "The Geth are near platoon strength, but the Colossus is the worst part. It's got a repair protocol. Huddles up and fixes itself. I can't get a clear shot when it's down like that. I tried to move closer, and one of the bastards punched a shot clean through my suit." 

Well, shit. Tali got a hole during battle once and ended up with a fever for three days. If Kal'Reegar is getting anywhere near that bad, he needs to get out of here. 

"How bad is your suit damage?"

He shrugs it off. "Combat seals clamped down to isolate contamination, and I'm swimming in antibiotics. The Geth might get me, but I'm not going to die from an infection in the middle of a battle. That's just insulting." 

"Yep, I like him," Garrus says from beside me, antagonizing the Geth below us with hits they can't return. 

I do, too but I don't love the situation. I'm a little trapped, though. My focus is on Tali. 

"What can you tell me about the battlefield?"

Kal'Reegar takes a breath and shifts against the wall so he can look out over the field. "The right side's got a catwalk with a sniper perch. You could wreak some havoc from there, but none of my men made it past the Geth. The middle's got cover, but the damn Colossus has a clear shot at you the whole time, and you've got Geth coming from both sides." Another breath before he shifts. He's in pain. "The left gives you some cover from the Colossus, but your ass is hanging out for the Geth. That's how I got shot." 

"You've been watching the Colossus for a while," Garrus notes, leaning around me to talk to Reegar directly. "Any ideas on how to deal with it?" 

"Standard protocol with armature-class units is to sabotage the shields and whittle it down. You know, kill it with bug bites." He shrugs, though he's obviously anything but casual. "But the repair protocol blows that plan to hell. You try to wear it down, it just huddles up and fixes itself. So whatever we do has to scrap that bastard fast. Probably means getting up close, past that cover." 

Garrus growls a little, and I know he doesn't like it. But I also know we're on the same page. "We'll do whatever we need to get to Tali. Got any ideas?"

"Just one," he answers, this time shifting enough that he has to groan and hold his side. "I'm not moving so well but I can still pull a trigger, and I've got a rocket launcher that the sun hasn't fried yet. You move in close, I'll keep the Colossus busy, maybe even drop its shields. With luck, you'll be able to finish it off." 

"Not a chance," Garrus scoffs. 

"He's right. You've done enough, Reegar. You don't need to throw your life away." 

Kal'Reegar shakes his head. "Wasn't asking your permission. My job is to keep Tali safe. This is our best shot." 

He moves to stand and I know I need to make a choice right now if I'm going to stop him. I take hold of Reegar's shoulder and shove him back against the wall, both of us standing now. I'm between him and throwing his life away. 

"We don't have enough people on our side for you to take one for the team," I urge him. "Tali specifically asked me to keep you safe. Now that's my job, too. Stand down." 

I make it personal for him on purpose. I know that if I were in his shoes and it was Garrus stuck in that observatory, knowing that Garrus was worried about me would keep me cautious. Well, more than I would be without that.

I see Kal'Reegar falter, but he doesn't quit just yet. Of course he doesn't. "I'm not gonna stand here while you run into enemy fire! They killed my whole squad!" 

"And if you want to honor your squad, watch our backs!" I snap at him. "I need you in case they bring reinforcements." 

Reegar deflates. "Alright, Shepard. We'll do it your way. Hit them for me. Keelah se'lai." He grasps my forearm and we shake before kneeling back down into cover. 

Garrus and Kasumi turn to me for orders. "Kasumi, you're with me. Big guy, you do what you do best. Got it?"

"Gotcha, Shep," Kasumi agrees. 

Garrus nods, but he's aware I want to separate from him on the battlefield, and I'm aware he doesn't like that anymore than I do. He doesn't argue, but he does tug me close and cup the back of my head, taking a second to press his forehead against mine. I'm flooded with confidence and my tensions ease the moment contact is made. It's as much a promise of what awaits me after this battle as it is a guarantee that he'll have my six. And right now, that means we can both have Tali's. 

I pound my fist against Garrus's chest twice before we part, and then we take the battlefield. Kasumi joins me along the left while Garrus heads for that sniper perch on the right. I always feel more vulnerable when he's not by side; I'm more than capable in a firefight - arguably more capable than Garrus on our own - but he makes me feel safe, no matter where we are. Today, I rely on my biotics to do that. It's a good opportunity to figure out my shields. 

My team pushes through the field in almost perfect sync on opposite sides, taking down all the Geth in our way with Garrus also handling the ones who sneak into the middle. The Colossus doesn't have a shot at us until it's alone, and then we can attack it from both sides. We focus all our power on the beast; I use my biotics to keep its shield down, Garrus nails its armor with his rifle, and Kasumi deals blows with her tech skills. It takes a while, especially because it manages to heal itself once. 

When we get it almost down again, all of us feeling the pressure to finish this before it heals again, a rocket comes from the other end of the courtyard. Kal'Reegar delivers the kill shot and the thing goes down in an explosion of flames and a shower of sparks. 

"Nicely done," I tell him over the comms, cheering the guy on in my head. "I'm sending one of mine back for you. We can - " 

"No!" he interjects. "Get in there and get Tali." 

I can't argue with him, especially while my focus is on Tali too, so I agree and we approach the door. Garrus starts to hack it but Tali's voice pops up on his comms. "Just a second. There, that should do it." 

The door now unlocked, I lead the others in. Tali is at a console and moving her hands rapidly over the controls, her back to us. There are more than just a couple dead Geth in here. I'm instantly impressed with her. Proud. 

"Oh, hell yes." I turn toward Garrus who is prying a gun from a dead Geth's hands. When he catches my gaze, he holds it up and says, "Geth Pulse Rifle!" as if that explains everything. 

"You have more guns than socks, Garrus," I tease him, rolling my eyes dramatically. 

"It's for Grunt!" he protests, the grin on his face a clear tell that it's a lie. If Grunt is lucky, he might get to see the rifle; that is my boyfriend's new toy. 

Tali snorts and shakes her head. "Just let me finish this download..." 

I approach her and wait, Garrus joining me. He touches my shoulder, lending me some strength. This is the moment of truth. I'll know in the next few minutes if Tali recognizes me, if she trusts me. Even after what I've heard today, I remember my last reunion with Tali too well to feel certain. 

Tali turns away from the console and launches herself at me, her arms going around my neck tightly. It takes my breath away, and not because of the contact. Hugging her back feels almost surreal. "Thank you, Shepard," she breathes. "If not for you, I never would have made it out of this alive." 

"Well, she didn't do it alone," Garrus quips. Tali laughs and I release her so that she can give him a hug next, her tiny body dwarfed by his. 

"You're alive, too," she notes, stepping back and looking up at him. "That's a nice surprise." Tali takes his chin in hand and turns his head so that she can get a view of the heavy bandage. "Geez, Garrus. Dramatic, much?"

"Me? You're the one locked in an observatory with a Colossus trying to get through the doors." 

She laughs but it fades quickly and her shoulders fall when she leans back against the console. "This whole mission has been a disaster," she confesses. "I wish I'd joined you back on Freedom's Progress, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on something this risky." 

"You have any idea what's destabilizing the sun here?" Garrus asked, crossing his arms and going into his business stance. 

"If I had to guess, I'd say it was dark energy affecting the interior of the star. The effect is similar to when stars blow off mass to enter a red giant phase, but Haestrom's sun is far too young for this to be natural." 

Alright, it's a mystery and maybe kind of interesting. But this...I shake my head. "A lot of Quarians lost their lives here, Tali. Was it worth it?" 

"I don't know, Shepard," she breathes. "It wasn't my call. The Admiralty Board believed the information here was worth sacrificing all our lives for. I have to believe that they know what's best." 

I shake my head. "I didn't ask what some Admiral thought. It's your opinion I respect. I asked what you thought." 

She looks right at me. "A lot of people died here. Some of them were my friends. All of them were good at their jobs. That damn data better be worth it. The price was too high." 

I can't help smiling in response. I've always encouraged my teams and the people I work with to value life and one another over the end goal - no matter what that goal is. Leaving Ashley Williams on Virmire continues to plague me; I'll always wonder if there was another way. Knowing that Tali takes the same decisions seriously means a lot to me. Tali has become a leader. 

"Whatever the reason, I'm glad I could help," I tell her. Moment of truth. "Once you deliver that data...I could use you on the Normandy." 

"I promised to see this mission through. And I did." She straightens. "I can leave with you and send the data to the Fleet. If the admirals have a problem with it, they can go to hell. I just watched the rest of my team die." 

"Maybe not the whole team, ma'am," a familiar voice calls from behind us. I turn to find Kal'Reegar coming in, hunched a bit with his hand covering his wound. From the way he's moving, it's obvious he's in significant pain. 

Tali rushes past me only to stop short and recover herself. She can't hide the way she's brightened, though. "Reegar!" she chirps. "You made it!" 

"Your old captain's as good as you said," he replies, motioning toward me. "Damn Colossus never stood a chance." 

"If you need, the Normandy can get you out of here, Reegar." 

He shakes his head. "The geth didn't damage our ship. Long as we get out of here before reinforcements show up, we'll be fine." 

"Actually..." Tali hesitates but tells him, "I won't be going with you. I'm joining Commander Shpeard." 

Kal's shoulders manage to fall even further. He promises to pass the data on and explain what happened, but I wonder if he would say more if they were alone. Tali doesn't say anything else either, wringing her hands. 

I've experienced first hand what happens if you don't tell someone how you feel about them. Tali and I need to have a chat. 

"She's all yours now, Shepard," Reegar tells me. "Keep her safe." I promise to do so and we all shake his hand, Tali hugging him gently, before we go back to the Normandy. 

We've acquired a great new team member and friends, a few new weapons, and some great tech from the Geth, so the mission is a success. But my heart hurts for Tali. I stop Garrus before we join Tali and Kasumi on the shuttle. 

"I think you should talk to her." 

Garrus gives me an odd look. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean..." I take a breath, aware that this could be tough for Garrus. I take his hand before continuing. "Tali led a squad here and lost them all. It's going to hurt for a long time, and she's going to feel responsible." He tenses a little, catching on. "I've been there too, but...I think you can really relate, and that'll mean something to her." 

He takes a breath and glances toward the shuttle. Tense, he still nods. "Yeah, I...I can try to do that. I think she'll need a little time but...I'll try." 

"Thank you." I squeeze his hand again. "I'll be here for you, too, big guy. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, kid, I know. Thank you." He wraps an arm around my shoulder and says, "Let's get our Quarian home." 

And we do just that, zipping back to the Normandy and out of the system before any additional Geth presence can become an issue. Tali drops her things in Engineering, claiming that space as her own, and then meets Garrus and I in the Comm Room. We give her a rundown on the mission and what we've learned so far, Jacob joining us toward the end. 

Tali promises to settle into the ship and let both of us know if there are any improvements to be made. She's looking forward to meeting the Engineering crew even if she doesn't seem totally comfortable here. Since I'm not comfortable all the time either, I don't push her on it. 

"Cerberus saw footage of you in action, Tali'Zorah," Jacob tells her. "We're looking forward to having you on the team. Your engineering expertise will really benefit the mission." 

Tali turns on him, the set of her shoulders signaling her mood - at least to me. Jacob still has a hand extended toward her, expecting an equivalent gesture from her. "I don't know who you are, but Cerberus threatened the security of the Migrant Fleet." Tali looks down at his hand and shakes her head. "Don't make nice." 

"That's why you're here, Tali," I tell her, Jacob dropping his hand. "I need people who aren't Cerberus. People I can trust." 

I see Jacob tense a little but he knows that we're still working on trust with him. At the end of the day, no matter how personable he is, Jacob is Cerberus. I need people around me who are not. 

"I wasn't part of what happened to the Migrant Fleet," Jacob assures her, "but I understand your distrust. I hope we'll get past that as we work together." 

Tali turns her back to Jacob and faces me instead. "I assumed that you were undercover, Shepard. Maybe even planning to blow Cerberus up. If that's the case, I'll loan you a grenade. Otherwise, I'm here for you. Not for them." 

A weight leaves my shoulders and I can take a full breath. It's the answer that I needed. I'm not asking people to sign on with Cerberus; hell, I haven't done that. I'm asking for their faith in me. Garrus delivered before I asked, Kaidan refused, but now Tali has agreed. It's a good proportion if you ask me. 

I clear my throat, trying not to get too emotional yet. "Make sure you check out the Normandy. We've gotten a few upgrades." 

"Come by the Battery when you get a chance, too," Garrus chimes in. I'm sure he wants to show off the Thanix, his most favorite toy of them all, but something in his tone tells me that he wants to talk. 

"I'll get Tali'Zorah the necessary security clearance to access our systems," Jacob offers, still making an effort. I can't blame him for that. 

"Please do," Tali replies. "I can't be part of your team if I don't know how the ship works. I'll be in engineering." She touches my shoulder and then heads out of the room, but not before turning to Garrus and adding, "I'll correct your mistakes." 

He makes a rude Turian gesture that she recognizes and laughs at, heading through the door. Before she can go, Jacob calls, "Don't forget to introduce yourself to EDI, the ship’s new artificial intelligence." 

_Oh, shit._

"Oh, shit," Garrus echoes in a mutter. "We forgot about that part." 

Tali stops and turns her head toward Jacob, then marches out of the room without a word. It leaves no doubt. Tali is back.


	24. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday was this week, and I've decided to give a gift to YOU for all the comments, kudos, and love that have made this such an incredible experience. You're getting TWO chapters this week! Yayyyyy! 
> 
> I'm actually a little nervous about this chapter. It's exactly how I want it to be and how Elle & Garrus led it...but some people might not like it. Guess we'll find out! 
> 
> Enjoy!

I scream into the room, my body on fire and every cell charged with intense pleasure and endless need. Every second, every stroke, every touch takes me higher and higher. Garrus is relentless and powerful, one hand gripping the top of the headboard and the other trapping my arms behind my back. He has them up at an angle that forces my spine to arch and so renders me unable to absorb a single blow. His cock stretches and pounds me, his quad slaps against me, and his big body surrounds me. All I can do is take it. 

"Fuck, Elle," he growls. "I love this cunt. So tight, so greedy. You were made for fucking, baby. Built for this cock. Weren't you?"

Talking is almost impossible, my brain clouded by intense pleasure and only somewhat less intense pain, but I refuse to disappoint him. "Yes, sir." It barely sounds like words and it definitely doesn't sound like my voice, somehow whiny and husky all at once. 

"Mmm that's my girl. Can you take more?" He leans over my back, his mouth right beside my ear, and growls, "Can my beautiful little slut take more?"

Only Garrus could manage to make a challenge and calling me a slut sound like the sexiest thing I've ever heard. He also has managed to know me better than anyone else ever has, so he knows exactly what a challenge does to me. 

"I can take whatever you can give me, sir." 

"Oh, baby. Let's find out." Garrus shifts, releasing my arms and the headboard but wrapping his hand around my throat. He pulls me up so that I'm almost fully up against me and squeezes - hard. Nearly choking me, Garrus never loses his rhythm or power. His free hand slides around my hip and his fingers slip to my clit, rubbing in perfect circles. "Don't cum." 

I cry out, wanting to scream and curse him. "Am I being punished?"

He laughs. "I thought you could take it. You wanna tap out?" 

"Oh, fuck you." 

Now he laughs even harder but it stops suddenly when he yanks me up against him by my throat. "You can try that another day, my love. Right now you'll take this cock however I give it to you, won't you?" The angle gets his cock pumping in what's the worst possible spot if I'm not supposed to cum. "And you'll obey your sir, isn't that right, Shepard? You won't cum until I tell you to, will you?" 

"Please. Garrus, please," I gasp out. "Slow down. I can't..." 

"You can, baby. You're so strong," he breathes against my ear. He grunts and his forehead falls to my shoulder. At least he's not completely immune to all of this. "Elle...damn." 

I lean my head back, exposing more of my throat to him and reach one hand behind his head, rubbing under his fringe. "Let's cum together," I whisper. "Let me cum on your cock. Fill me up, big guy. Please." 

He growls and nips my earlobe. "You need your mouth stuffed full next, huh?" Garrus once again shifts, taking a handful of my hair and then driving my face right down to the mattress. I'm left screaming again when he picks up the pace and rocks his hips expertly, pressing one hand between my shoulder blades. The other hand comes down hard and sharp on my ass. "Do. Not. Cum." Another smack. 

These aren't as hard as when he punishes me. They're still intended to create a bite of pain but not a lasting one. As much as the punishment spanking turns me on, this....damn this is good. 

Garrus groans and grunts, his other hand gripping my ass hard and squeezing. I feel his cock swelling and know that if I can get him to cum, he'll slow for at least a moment, so I gather my wits and squeeze my core as hard as I can - not easy around his not insignificant girth. He falters, his free hand landing on the pillow to catch him, and I ride the high of feeling powerful to squeeze him again. 

"Yeah, Elle," he moans, forehead on the back of my shoulder. "Squeeze me. Drain my cock, baby." That makes me falter but I keep control and grip him as hard as I can. He growls and shudders, then buries himself balls deep and holds there, his seed erupting hot inside me. I love that feeling. 

He collapses onto my back, not hard enough to squash me, and then buries his face in my neck. "I love how it feels when you cum that hard inside me," I tell him, leaning my head lightly against his. 

"I love cumming inside you," he replies, voice muffled. "And you've more than earned your own. Roll over." He uses his arms to push up and give me enough room to roll onto my back. I expect him to climb on top of me but instead he sits down and holds out a hand. "Come here." 

I let Garrus pull me to sitting, and then I climb on his lap. He guides my legs around his back and curls his own underneath me, directing his cock inside me and then pulling me close. We both moan and Garrus holds me still, wrapping his arms around my back and dragging them down my spine lightly. I lean in to kiss his throat, dragging my tongue along the soft skin there. 

"You don't sweat, but your taste changes," I note, dragging my teeth lightly along his jaw. "And it gets even better." 

He moans again and rocks his hips, barely thrusting and still somehow making it feel incredible. I grind my hips against him, the two of us falling into a steady rhythm with no effort. It's always been this way between us, all instinct, and that adds to the experience for me. Every other time I've had sex or person I've been with felt at least a little like work. Nothing is more natural than being with Garrus, though. 

"However you want it, baby," he whispers, nuzzling his face against mine. "Cum all you want." 

"Like this," I tell him, rolling my hips against his and almost losing my breath. Garrus moans and cups my ass, bringing his other hand to my mouth. He presses gently at my lips and I let him in, sucking on his thumb and swirling my tongue around it. He grins and removes it from my mouth, dropping his hand between us and touching my clit. He adds the perfect amount of pressure and rubs slowly, sending waves of pleasure up my spine. 

Garrus kisses me and I melt against him. We reach our peak slowly and steadily, completely in sync. He then takes me to the bed under him and takes me once more, thrusting deep until I cum hard and moaning his name. Both of us spent, Garrus rolls and pulls me against him so I rest my head on his shoulder and swing my leg over his hips. "We need a shower before dinner." 

"Let's skip it," I reply, squeezing him. "You need like two minutes before you can go again, let's be honest." 

"I need less than that with you around," he laughs, "but you know you don't want to miss Tali's first dinner back on the Normandy. And she wants you there, too." 

I feign a displeased groan; really, I'm delighted he knows me that well and cares enough to remind me. "I suppose I could be convinced to go to dinner. But your tongue would help talk me into it." 

"Oh, yeah?" Garrus rolls onto me and I squeal, laughing when he nuzzles my breasts with his face. "Let's get you in the shower and on my tongue then." 

It's a suggestion that Garrus follows through on after carrying me to the bathroom, and when I collapse to the floor in front of him after an earth shattering orgasm, he climbs on top of me and takes me right there on the floor. I cling to him while we both gasp for air under the hot water after, and we're both a little shaky when we manage to find our feet again. If it wasn't for Tali, I would drag him right back to bed. 

Instead, we get dressed in casuals - I make a point of avoiding all my Cerberus gear - and head down to dinner together. Garrus pulls me back into his arms in the elevator and I can't help kissing him. The doors open, and before we can part, a squeal greets us. 

Tali is standing on the other side of the door, her hands over the mouthpiece of her mask. She's bouncing on her toes and making a high-pitched squealing noise. "I heard it was real but I didn't know it was and oh Keelah you're so cute!" She's at a supersonic pitch by the end of it, and Garrus winces even while he smiles. I leave him only to walk into Tali's arms and give her a hug. 

"Hey!" Garrus protests when I walk into Mess Hall with my arm around Tali, leaving him a few steps behind. "I see how it is. Tali comes back and then I'm second rate?"

"Just like old times," Tali teases him, wrapping her arms around my hips and squeezing me. The laugher continues through dinner, Tali fitting in perfectly. She's tense at first, knowing the crew is Cerberus, but the diverse and goofy personalities put her at ease. Kasumi especially makes a clear connection with her and I love that, members of my ground team clicking. 

Garrus ends up across from me at the table, so I prop my feet up on his lap when I want his attention. He delivers instantly without breaking his conversation, dropping his hand to squeeze my ankle and tossing me a wink mid-sentence. It's more than appreciated. 

"Sooooo." Tali nudges my side with her elbow, her voice low. "This is different." She nods her head - not as subtly as she thinks - to where Garrus sits across the table. I laugh and nod. 

"Yeah, it's...very different," I agree. "Sometimes things happen to change your perspective. Dying is one of those things." 

Tali chuckles. "That doesn't seem surprising. But congratulations, Shepard. You both seem very happy." 

"I am," I assure her, "and I think he is, too. I hope so." 

"He's clearly pretty happy," she replies. I'm fairly certain that tone of voice means she just rolled her eyes at me. "And...I saw him after you...were gone." Now her tone leaves no room for interpretation, and the way her shoulders collapse screams of her pain. "We were all hurting, I think I cried every day for weeks, but Garrus...he was..." She shakes her head. "Broken." 

"Yeah, I've heard a little about that and what it was like for him on Omega." I glance across the table to make sure we're not being overheard by too many people. "I think I'll always feel guilty. Not for dying, necessarily...okay maybe a little. But...I realize what I did to him before I died. And how that added to the pain when I did die. I'm doing my best to make up for it now." I smirk and add, "Which mostly includes a lot of really incredible sex so it's not exactly a sacrifice." 

Tali tosses her head back and giggles, her laugh instantly contagious. Garrus smiles at us from across the table, narrowing his eyes playfully at me. He's suspicious, smart enough to know we're talking about him. This time I throw him a wink, and the Turian laughs at me. 

Tomorrow, we're off to the Ilium to start on the last two members of our team. The team that we have here is gelling, becoming close and working well - even the parts of it that shouldn't. No, Jack and Miranda will never be friends, but we're managing and no one is dead. Every mission with my ground teams has proven their capabilities, and our meals don't include fights. 

More than anything, I now have people around I've trusted for years. People who have stood by me, who believe in me. People who don't accuse me of being a traitor and then email me about how much they 'love' me. And people who don't work for a terrorist organization by choice. 

I have Chakwas to take care of us, Joker to keep me honest. I have Tali to keep me positive and fight by my side. And I have Garrus. We're going to complete our team and then go after the Collectors. We're going to stop the Reapers and then we'll all have the rest of our lives together. Garrus and I will have forever. The Reapers don't stand a chance. 

*****

"I think that's my favorite way to wake up," Shepard muses from beside me. I lift my head to see a gorgeous glow over her, pink on her cheeks and chest, a light sheen of sweat on her skin. Our hands are connected between us but we're both on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, and trying to catch our breaths. 

I woke up before her and found her wet, so I couldn't fight the urge to slip inside her. We finished one another with our mouths. Now her feet are near my head and my dick is slowly softening somewhere near her head. 

"That's my favorite way to do just about anything," I reply honestly, collapsing back onto the pillow. Her taste lingers in my mouth and my cock is aching in the best way. I could roll over and sleep for a while longer...I could definitely go another round. But we have work to do. 

Shepard rolls with a groan and then crawls up over my body, her breasts grazing my chest before she reaches my mouth for a kiss. She tries to pull away quickly, but I catch the back of her head and keep her, exploring her mouth deeply. I hear her try to protest against my mouth, but she continues kissing me. 

I run one hand down her back to her ass and cup it, giving that perfect piece a firm squeeze. Shepard manages to pull away but she slides down me a little to kiss my neck, her mouth soft and hot. "We have to get up," she whines softly, not pushing hard enough for me to believe she actually wants to break away. "We're gonna be on Illium soon." 

"We can be quick," I argue, slipping my hand around her thigh to graze over her core. I groan, well aware that I'm feeling my own cum inside her. 

Shepard laughs and swats at my arm, jerking her hips away. "You've said that before, and you never really want it quick. It always ends up - " 

"In fantastic orgasms, yes, I know." She laughs again, then squeals when I roll us over and pull her leg over my shoulders. "Come on, just let me put it in a little," I tease, taking my cock in hand and rubbing it lightly against her.   
She bites her lip and moans, closing her eyes in what's obviously an effort to keep control. And I've gotten pretty damn good at destroying that control. 

"Tell me you don't want this," I whisper, leaning down to put my mouth beside her ear and push her knee back to her shoulder. "You want me to beg?" I tuck her hair behind her ear, trail my fingers down her jaw, and then take her throat in my hand. "Or do you want me to make you?" 

Shepard's eyes fly open and she gasps, emeralds blazing up at me. The surprises fades quickly, replaced with fear and arousal. I feel her throat work on a swallow under my hand. "I don't...I don't know if I can." 

"Okay. Then we won't." I lean down and meet her lips again, taking her hand instead of her throat and tangling our fingers. "Let me make love to you. Fuck Illium, we'll be late." I pull her leg down and around my waist, then use that hand to direct my cock toward her. "They can wait for us." 

"We have to be quick," she argues weakly.

"But I have something long for you," I counter, flashing her my most impish grin. Shepard laughs and lifts her head, kissing me hard this time. "I'm gonna take that as an 'oh, yes, please, Garrus.'" I'm not laughing when I finally thrust inside her, her body accepting me completely.

Shepard moans deeply and throws her head back into the pillow, squeezing my hand with hers and arching her spine. I use the new angle to catch her nipple in my mouth. lashing it softly with my tongue. 

"Oh, Garrus," she breathes, eyes fluttering shut again. "God, you're so good." 

"It's us, baby." I drag my tongue back to her throat and nip softly. "We're good together. Built for me, remember?" 

She nods, biting her lip again. Our gazes meet and I press my forehead against hers, a soft tingle shooting all the way down my spin the moment we connect. I love that feeling, more than any other. It's the visceral signal of what she is to me, my body and soul recognizing the other half of my being. 

Something inside me quakes, my heart stuttering. A swell of emotions overloads my systems and I have to tense my whole body to keep the orgasm at bay, all of it just too much. "Shepard, I..." 

She frowns a little when I trail off and reaches up to hold my cheek. "Are you OK?" 

"Perfect," I laugh. "Everything is...perfect. You're everything to me." I kiss her, trailing my hands everywhere I can reach and taking in as much of her as I can. Our foreheads meet again, and the effort that it takes not to cum right them makes me cry out.

"Stop fighting it," Shepard breathes, squeezing my cock hard inside her. "You know how much I love when you cum inside me." 

"Come here." I roll and pull her on top of me, setting my hands firmly on her hips. She makes a low noise when she mounts me, rocking her hips and grinding against me. She leans back, putting her hands on my legs, and bounces up and down rhythmically on my cock, both of us getting what we need at this angle. I make sure of that when I press my thumb against her clit. 

Shepard rides me perfectly, hips churning, breasts bouncing, the muscles in her stomach toned and tense. She looks simultaneously wanton and sexy and powerful. I meet her with rolls of my hips and Shepard's head drops back, bliss flashing over her expression. 

"You are so beautiful, Elle." It's an understatement. The woman is right from my fantasies, built to take everything I can give her and turn around to give me just the same in return. She's stunning, the most gorgeous person I've ever seen, across and beyond species. 

Shepard leans forward and plants her hands on either side of my head, her breasts rocking right above my face. There's no way I can resist that; I catch her with my hand and lift my head for a sharp nip. 

"Garrus!" she gasps, faltering just a little. She doesn't miss a beat after, though, driving her hips down onto my shaft. I continue to meet her thrust for thrust, and with this view of her body, it doesn't take long for her to drag me into oblivion with her. 

When Shepard falls onto my chest, I catch her and wrap both arms around her, both of us sweaty again. "That was pretty quick," I note. "I deserve recognition for being quick when I promised to." 

"You still made us late," she laughs, softening the blow by kissing my cheek before she sits up. This time, I let her go. She's right; we're late. "I have to get a shower and you're not allowed to join me," she says while climbing off the bed. "I'm not good enough at resisting you for that." 

"Good to know," I quip, following her up. "And that's fine. I've decided I want to smell like you all day." 

Shepard's eyes widen and I catch her mouth before she can say a word, slapping her ass playfully after I pull away. "Get in that shower. You're late, Commander." I move around her, grinning, and then yelp when Shepard returns the swap to my ass. She dodges me when I whirl around and then giggles all the way to the bathroom. Damn, I love her. 

In five minutes, I'm dressed and downstairs in Mess Hall. We don't have long before Illium, and the closer we get, the more something gnaws at me. I've never been a fan of this place or all the prestige given on assumption to Asari space, so I assume it's that and stuff down the anxiety with coffee and a quick breakfast. Shepard arrives a few minutes later, the glow on her face more than enough to tell the crew what made us late even with me dodging their questions about it. 

Jack shows up around the same time, but no one is surprised that she's late, even when she knows she's on the ground crew. "I fucking hate Illium," she growls out over a cup of coffee. "Way too prissy for my taste." 

"I've never been," Shepard tells us, having just chugged her own cup with Joker giving us a docking warning. "I'm looking forward to it." She pats Jack's cheek playfully. "Don't get me thrown off," she teases before walking away. 

"You know what you signed on for, Shep," Jack calls back over her shoulder. She heads after Shepard toward the airlock and I follow, quickly checking my heat sink supplies. I'm not expecting anything massive today, but I prefer to be prepared. 

I'm not prepared for Tali to pop up right in my path so quickly I nearly bowl her over before the bridge, though. I have to reach out to catch her by the elbow when she startles back. "Shit, Tali! Why do you enjoy scaring me so much?"

"I'm touched you remember," she teases. "But I just missed you. Shepard is on night duty tonight; can we catch up?"

"Absolutely, Tali. It's long overdue." She bounces a little on her toes, a signal that she's beaming behind the mask, and I give her a wink before walking around her and joining the ground crew as we approach Illium. 

"I sent you the dossier on this Justicar," Shepard tells me, watching the approaching city through the front window. "Did you have a chance to read it over?"

"Of course," I answer. Illium is bright and urban, a big city with towering buildings. It reminds me of Cipritine in that way and makes me miss home. "Not a lot of information. Justicars are some kind of rare monk, she's a biotic." 

Shepard nods. "Yeah, that was it. I figure she can tell us what being a Justicar means."

"Bring me back presents!" Joker chirps after docking the ship and releasing us. He whirls around and adds, "Preferably an Asari with really big - "

"Okay bye, Joker," Shepard cuts in, slamming her hand down on the door for the airlock. Joker's cackle sees us off the ship and I can't help chuckling, even if Shepard narrows her eyes at me for it. 

We leave the ship and step onto a docking bay. Immediately, an Asari flanked by two LOKI mechs is approaching us. It sets me on edge but since none of them are holding weapons, neither will I. 

"Welcome to Nos Astra, Commander Shepard," the Asari greets us. "We've been instructed to waive all docking and administration fees for your visit. My name is Careena. If you need information about the area, it would be my pleasure to assist you." 

She smiles at Shepard but her gaze shifts to me, and it's not the casual look of a polite concierge. I offer only a polite smile in response; she can offer absolutely nothing to me. 

"Why do I get the free pass?" Shepard asks, shifting just a little. I doubt anyone else notices, but I know her better than anyone. She's wondering how much trouble she'll get in if she punches Careena in the face. 

Careena has the sense to look back at Shepard before she answers. "The request came from Liara T'Soni, who paid all fees on your behalf." 

She keeps talking but I can't hear it; my blood is rushing past my ears and my stomach has plummeted into boots. That's what was eating at me all morning, even since I learned we were coming to Illium yesterday. I'd completely forgotten that Liara told me she's working on Illium. And that means I haven't had a chance to tell Shepard about Liara. 

"Enjoy your stay," I hear Careena say before she steps away, allowing us to pass. Shepard starts forward immediately, checking what looks like directions on her Omni-Tool. We're going to see Liara. Shit. 

Before I can say a word, Shepard turns to smile back at me. "Looks like we're reuniting with all sorts of old faces lately." 

"Hmm. Yeah. Hey, can we - " 

"Shepard," EDI interjects over our comms. "Customs records indicate a Justicar named Samara is visiting this port, Shepard. Your former teammate, Liara T'Soni, may have more information. You may wish to speak to her regarding the whereabouts of Thane Krios, the assassin on your dossier, as well. Her office overlooks the trading floor." 

"We're heading there now, EDI," Shepard replies. "Thanks." 

I have got to get a second alone with Shepard before we get up there. She deserves to know before we’re standing in front of Liara, and she deserves to know from me. I don't know if Shepard will be upset, but I won't dare assume. All I know is that this isn't the kind of thing I want to surprise her with. 

We step off the docking bay and onto Nos Astra. We're greeted by an exceptional vista overlooking the city. I'm still feeling bitter, regardless of the view. I'm sure the bomb that just got dropped in my lap has something to do with that but still. 

"We were always told that Illium is one of the safest places in the galaxy...until you fall off the grid," I tell them. "Sign the wrong contract, join up with the wrong company, or walk down the wrong alley, and it's as dangerous as anywhere else. Don't let this place fool you. It's no safer here than Omega." 

Shepard makes a thoughtful noise. "All the glitter to hide the grime. Doesn't surprise me, but thanks for the heads up." She looks around, the port busy and bustling. "It's a cultural marvel though," she notes. "Humanity could learn from this." 

She has a point. There are aliens of every species around here, and this is just the trading floor. Most of them are Asari and Volus which isn't surprising given their professions, but there's a solid mix in the other areas that we can see. Normally, I'd be interested in a place like this. 

Right now, I have a pending catastrophe and I need to get in the way of it. 

"Shepard." I catch her elbow. "Can we - " 

"Excuse me!" someone calls. I turn as Shepard does toward the Asari heading our way. "Excuse me, are you Commander Shepard?"

"Fuck." 

Shepard frowns at me but doesn't push, facing the Asari. 

"You're Commander Shepard," she says more confidently with a nod. "I recognized your...I guess you would say your aura. I'd recognize you anywhere." 

Now I push Liara to the back of my mind and turn back to the Asari standing a few feet from Shepard and saying things I'm not sure mean she's stable. 

"I was asked to give you a message if I saw you. It's from a friend you made on Noveria," the Asari says, seeming clear enough. 

"I met a lot of people on Noveria," Shepard notes, shaking her head. "Could you be more specific?" 

"I believe the message should make itself clear." She steps closer to Shepard, and I automatically move closer as well. Shepard signals that it's okay so I don't pull my rifle but I'm staying close. And when the Asari's eyes go all white and her body stiffens, I put my hand on Shepard's shoulder. Just in case. 

"We hide," the Asari says, but this time her voice is completely different. It's darker, multi-toned, and...musical. It's familiar, and it makes me feel a little cold. Rachni. "We hide. We burrow. We build. But we know that you seek those who soured the songs of our mothers. When the time comes, our voice will join with yours, and our crescendo will burn the darkness clean. Thank you, Shepard. The Rachni will sing again because of you." 

Well, at least it's not a threat. I'm not sure how I feel about Rachni rebuilding, though. 

"I'm glad to hear that you're rebuilding," Shepard tries, cocking his head. "Are you somewhere close by?" 

The Asari comes back into her herself and shakes it off a bit. "The Rachni Queen is not here. That message is one of many memories I carry from her. I encountered an uncharted world. She saved my life. More than that, she gave me purpose." The Asari smiles. "They're an amazing people, Shepard. The galaxy owes you a great debt for giving them a second chance." 

"You just happened upon the Rachni, of all things?" I ask, skeptical. 

"I was working as a courier. Pirates ambushed my ship, and I was forced down. I was badly injured, alone, and near death...then they found me. They saved me." She seems very sincere, but it's a hell of a story.

Jack scoffs, apparently thinking the same. "Did the Rachni give you a ship?" she asks. 

"No," the Asari answers. "Countless workers repaired my ship. It runs better now than it did before. They remind me of the Keepers on the Citadel. All working together, each with a purpose." 

"What happened to the pirates who attacked you?" Shepard asks. 

"They were obliterated - as they should have been." The Asari is sincere about that, too. "The Rachni are not aggressive, but they do what they must." 

Shepard shakes her head, refocusing. "You said the queen gave you a purpose. What do you mean?" 

"The queen shared her song with me as I recovered. I saw the Rachni as only an Asari could." Jack makes a noise and I hope I'm not making a face; it just sounds so damn haughty. So very Asari. "They are so beautiful and...vulnerable. They needed someone to purchase things they cannot make themselves. Someone to work within the system; an agent if you will. I am happy to help. My life as a courier was empty and shallow. Now I'm helping a great race rebuild itself." 

"Can you tell us where they are?" I ask. I know what the answer will be, but it seems worth asking. Good or bad, we should be able to keep tabs on them. 

"I'm afraid not," the Asari answers with a smile, shaking her head. "I don't even have that information myself any longer. After I met the Rachni queen, the information was...removed. It's not painful, but I simply don't remember. I'll remember when I need to. And her caution is understandable. The galaxy isn't yet ready for the return of the Rachni." 

At least we're in agreement there. 

"Okay. I got that she was grateful," Shepard says, "but what else was that message about?"

"The first Rachni War was a mistake," the Asari says. I hate being surprised, and they just keep coming today. "Something soured the voices of her people. In Rachni psychology, that would be like mind control, I think. It doesn't really translate. Anyway, she believes that you’re fighting the ones who did that. And she promises to help."

"She thinks that Reapers caused the Rachni War?" I clarify. 

The Asari shakes her head. "I can't say for sure. But she was certain that her ancestors were forced into war against their will. Her people aren't naturally aggressive. If they made war, it was not of their own doing." 

"And they'll help us in the war against the Reapers?" Shepard smiles. "I'm glad my friend from Noveria is doing well." 

The Asari returns the smile. "Be well, Commander Shepard. You will not see me again." 

The Asari turns and walks away, leaving us once again. And leaving me to my purpose. Shepard just shakes her head and continues walking through the trade floor, a little chipper after just learning that we have a rather significant ally. It works in my favor that she's in a good mood. 

"Kid, there's something I need to talk to you about," I tell her, dropping my head to speak into her ear. 

"Since we were alone half an hour ago?" she asks, smirking at me playfully. "What's going on with you?"

"I - " 

"Holy crap, Shepard?!" someone shouts. It's a woman at a table, wiping beer from her chin. It takes me a minute to place her. Noveria. 

"For fuck's sake," I mutter when Shepard heads right for the woman. I understand Shepard's priorities but I need five seconds with my girlfriend before she stands front of an old friend who I made a significant, awkward mistake with. 

"I thought you were dead," the woman whose name I can't remember from Noveria says, standing to meet Shepard. "No, wait. Forget I mentioned that; you'd just have to lie." She sticks out a hand and says, "It's been a couple of years. I'm - " 

"Gianna Parasini," Shepard cuts in, perfect recall. "Whatever happened to Anoleis?"

Now that name I would have remembered. The guy was trying to frame Lorik Qui'in. Ironic that the last person Shepard and I had a fight about me fucking and the one I'm anticipating a fight about are either on this station or now tied to it. 

"He made the one mistake Noveria won't tolerate: he got caught taking their money," Gianna tells us. "He's doing a few years in white collar prison. More importantly, he won't work in the field again." She motions toward the chairs. "Sit down. If I remember right, I owe you a beer." 

Shepard glances at me, and I sigh. She feels obligated to accept and sit for a few minutes - a few minutes that she and I can't talk. I nod, promising her that it's okay. Maybe a little more time to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to say will help. 

"What brings you to Illium?" Gianna asks as we all take seats. Shepard plants her hand on my thigh under the table; I can't feel her through the metal of my arm, but I appreciate the effort. It's a signal that she cares about what I have to say and will listen. I just hope we get a chance before it's too late. 

"I'm working on a top-secret project," Shepard tells Gianna, only a half-lie. "Mostly putting together a team and doing research right now." That's not a lie. 

Gianna smiles. "Sounds vague. No offense taken; I've been undercover enough to know how it goes." Something on the trading floor catches Gianna's attention and her shoulders shift, the smile falling off her face. "Hey, listen, I just remembered something. I've got to go. Talk to you later?" She stands but motions for us to stay down. "And don't forget to drink your beer." 

She turns to walk away, and Shepard and I both look down to find a datapad sitting under the cup on the table. 

Shepard grabs it and reads, "Had to leave. Target saw me. Couldn't break cover. Asari merchant smuggling schematics from Noveria. Can you talk her into showing you the good stuff?" There's a photo of the Asari in question on the pad. 

"All of a sudden we're doing her favors again?" I grumble. 

"Shepard is always doing a favor for someone," Jack notes, grabbing the cup and downing the rest of Gianna's beer. "Hey...can I do it? Talk to the Asari?"

Shepard looks surprised but a little pride skips inside my chest. I've been encouraging Jack to try and take on some new roles, a little leadership when she can. She talks a lot of shit but Jack respects the hell out of Shepard, in a way she's never respected authority before. She wants to impress Shepard, learn from her. I also plan to encourage Shepard to learn control of her biotics from Jack. 

"Of course you can. But here." Shepard slides her Carnifex across the table, flicking the safety on because of course she doesn't keep it on. And not giving her the other pistol. "You'll want to look like you purchase expensive weapons." 

"Nice." Jack grabs it eagerly and then gives me a big grin. "How about that fancy rifle of yours? It'll make me look even more legit." 

I laugh at her. "Jack, I would give you Shepard to try out before my rifle." They both laugh even though Shepard rolls her eyes at me. Jack gets up and makes her way to the Asari, Gianna positioned in hiding at the other end of the trade floor, and I finally get a chance to talk to Shepard. 

"OK, you look like you have seriously bad news for me," Shepard notes, turning toward me and putting her hand back on my thigh. 

"I...it's..." 

Shepard laughs. "Wow, you're really worked up. What's going on, big guy? It can't be that bad." 

"I think you might be surprised," I note. Her eyes go wide and her smile fades, Shepard looking worried now. I catch her hand, wishing we weren't wearing gloves. "Baby, I did things on Omega I'm not proud of. I never...Spirits, I couldn't have imagined you'd come back. I wouldn't have - " 

"Done and done!" Jack announces from behind me, making me jump. "That was easy." If she didn't look so proud of herself, I'd be more annoyed. Shepard gives me an apologetic glance as they both sit back down and we have to turn back to the table. 

"Your girl is good, and Hermia is going to be a very poor woman very shortly," Gianna tells us, smiling from ear to ear. "Thanks for the help. I love nailing Asari. So ageless and superior. Then you get them and they squeal like schoolgirls." 

Jack chuckles. "I bet Garrus knows something about making Asari squeal." She and Shepard laugh, both likely expecting me to say something snarky in response. Instead, it's like a kick in the gut. Way too close to home right now. 

"What's up next for you, Gianna?" Shepard asks. 

"Research. We've had some hacking attacks lately, and I want to make sure they're external. A lot of people are suddenly interested in dark energy. My bosses want to know if it's something to worry about. That'll hold me over until I have to go back undercover, anyway." 

Shepard cocks her head a little. "It must be hard, going undercover so often." 

This woman never stops amazing me. She's not just talking to a source for a mission, she's not trying to get information. She's genuinely curious about this other woman's life. It's just...who she is. Shepard cares. 

My stomach turns. The best person I know, and I betrayed her. Often. With friends. And she doesn't know we're about to face one of those betrayals. 

I miss the end of Shepard and Gianna's conversation, and don't catch on until they stand up and Shepard says, "It's been a pleasure, Gianna." I stand as well, Jack following. 

"You too, Shepard. See you around." Shepard smiles and extends her hand. Gianna looks at it, smirks, and says, "Ah, hell with it." And then before I realize she's going to move - and definitely before Shepard does - Gianna grabs Shepard's face and kisses her right on the mouth. It lasts about a second and leaves both me and Shepard with our mouths gaping open. "Much better than an autograph," Gianna chirps, releasing Shepard. "Take care of yourself." 

Shepard turns to watch her go and Jack explodes in laughter that quickly becomes contagious. "That was different," Shepard mutters, wiping her mouth and frowning when she finds a trace of dark red lipstick on her fingers. 

"I hope not in a good way," I tease, stepping forward and cupping her face. She lets me wipe the remainder of the lipstick off with my thumb. Shepard's smiling but I can see she's a little anxious too. Yet another thing that just doesn't seem fair today. I assure her it's okay with a quick bump of my forehead to hers, and then Shepard grins. 

"Make it better," she murmurs, offering her mouth. I take it without hesitation, and then Shepard tilts her head back to offer me the other sort of kiss. I quickly nip her throat but then linger a second to nuzzle her. "Hmm that is better." 

"It's a lot grosser if you ask me," Jack complains, tapping her heavily-booted foot impatiently. 

Shepard laughs and lets me pull away but looks up at me still. "We're like ten feet from Liara's office. Do you wanna find a place to talk now, or are you okay to wait?" She gives me a serious look and adds, "I promise I don't hold anything from Omega against you, Garrus." 

"You say that now." I take a breath and nod, aware that I shouldn't get in the way. We'll have time to talk...unless Liara outs us. She's working in secrets now, though; maybe she'll have the sense to let me tell Shepard. It's a chance I have to take. "Let's go. We'll talk after." 

"We will. I promise." 

She pounds my chest rapidly with her fist twice and then turns to lead us onward. We head down the hall immediately beside the table. There's an elevator that we pass and then a flight of stairs up. Shepard takes us up the stairs where we find an Asari at a desk outside an office. According to the plate, her name is 'Nyxeris.' 

"Hello, Commander Shepard," Nyxeris says, recognizing Shepard but not standing. "Liara will be pleased to see you." 

"You're Liara's assistant?" 

"Yes," she answers. "Liara relies on me to acquire useful intelligence. I don't have her network of contacts, but I supply her with supplemental data." Nyxeris seems proud of that. Very proud. Too proud? I let it go; not everything is a crime. Sometimes Archangel still creeps up. 

"What's Liara's reputation here on Illium?" Shepard asks, glancing back at the door into Liara's office. I'm trying not to glance at the door. Liara and I parted on okay terms and I know I shouldn't be trying to avoid her; I wouldn't be under other circumstances. I just...I wish Shepard knew. 

"She is greatly respected," Nyxeris tells us, that same too genuine smile on her face. "In a few short years she's amassed a sizeable network of connections. She could have even more political power than she already wields if she weren't so focused on her personal goals. But I believe she should tell you about that, not me." 

Shepard nods and says goodbye to Nyxeris before leading us into the office, doors unlocked and opening as she approaches. Liara is at the other end of a large office with a huge window and one hell of a view. She's talking to a human via hologram. 

"Have you faced an Asari Commando unit before?" she asks the human. The voice she's using is forced and not hers, but I recognize it. She's learned how to mimic her mother - word for word. "Few humans have. I'll make it simple. Either you pay me, or I flay you alive. With my mind." 

She ends the call and turns around, spotting us for the first time. I can read Shepard's surprise. Liara looks different than she did two years ago. She's wearing a long, very tight dress that covers her from throat to floor and wrists. The green and white panels compliment her. The naive professor did not look like this.

But Liara isn't surprised. There's none of the shock we've gotten used to when people see Shepard for the first time. None of what I felt. Odd. But she did know we were coming to Illium so maybe a contact spoiled the surprise. 

"Nyxeris, hold my calls," Liara says, crossing the room. She smiles brightly and Shepard returns it before they embrace. I can just about feel Shepard's relief; she needed the good reunion record to continue. 

It's nice to see Liara for myself, too. She left Omega right before everything went sideways, so of course I never heard from her again. Not that I'd planned to. But at least I know for sure that she's safe now. 

They part and both turn to face me. My mouth goes dry in the worst possible way with the two of them staring at me. Liara has the grace to look just as awkward as I feel, but she smiles and extends her arms before stepping forward to embrace me. I return it, of course, but can't manage to wrap more than one arm around her shoulders. She's mindful of my waist and pulls away quickly enough for me to know she feels weird. I hope that means she'll be quiet. 

"It's so good to see you, Shepard," she breathes, whirling back around to face our commander. 

"You, too," Shepard agrees, looking around. "You've moved up in the world. What exactly are you doing here?"

Liara heads to her desk and motions for us to sit on the other side, waiting for us to do so before she sits down. It's quite a bit different than the intro Liara got to my world on Omega. "I've been working as an information broker," she explains. "It's paid the bills since you..." She glances at me. "Well, for the past two years." 

She remembers my pain. She remembers what I was like on Omega. And it makes my heart stutter even now to recall it myself. 

"And now you're back!" Liara notes. "Gunning for the Collectors with Cerberus." She always was well informed. 

"If you know that, then you know that I could use your help." I should have expected it - why wouldn't Shepard try to recruit someone from the old team first chance she gets? But Liara blanches and glances at me. Fuck, I hate how awkward this is. I bet if Shepard knew, it wouldn't be at all. I hate feeling like I'm hiding something from her. 

"I can't, Shepard. I'm sorry," she says sincerely. "I have commitments here. Things I need to take care of." 

Now the tone of Liara's voice triggers something else in my gut and I frown at Shepard when she glances up at me, clearly catching it too. 

"What kind of things, Liara?" Shepard asks. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No, no trouble," she answers, waving it off. "But...it's been a long two years. I had things to do while you were gone. I have debts to repay. Listen, if you want to help..." She looks at me. "I need someone with hacking expertise. Someone I can trust." 

"I might know someone like that," I reply. 

Liara smiles, a very slight flush coming to her cheeks. That's not good. Why is she blushing? The fuck, Liara? At least she recovers quickly. "If you could disable security at key points around Illium, you could get me information I need. That would help me a great deal." 

Shepard shifts forward in her seat. "What is all this about, Liara? Can't you just talk to me?" 

"Don't you think I want to, Shepard?" Liara sighs deeply, that sick feeling in my gut tightening. Something isn't right. "This isn't because I don't trust you. This is Illium. Anything I say is probably being recorded." 

"Liara..." Shepard shakes her head and takes a breath. "I trust you too, you know that. But you're asking me to give you the most important thing in my life to help with no details. I can't do that." 

It takes me a second to realize that she means me. That feels damn good. Liara's gaze falls a little though and I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't like it, or because she's being cornered into telling us, or...if this has to do with whatever is wrong. And something is definitely wrong. 

"Do you remember the Shadow Broker?" Liara asks. "With the data you got me, I may be able to find information caches from his agents." 

"Are you on the run from the Shadow Broker?" I confirm, cocking a brow at her. It hasn't been that long since we saw one another, less than four months. She didn't mention anything about this. 

"Actually, it would be more accurate to say that the Shadow Broker is on the run from me," she clarifies, not smiling the way I'd expect after saying something that impressive. "We crossed paths not long after you died," she says, nodding at Shepard. "Since then, I've been working to take him down. I can get a step closer with this data." 

"You can't come with me because you're after the Shadow Broker?" Shepard shrugs a little. "What if I help you find him?" I can tell from her tone she wants to protect Liara more than anything now. I can't say I blame her; the Shadow Broker is as formidable as a Reaper when you consider all his connections. 

Liara stands up and turns to the window behind her. "I'm sorry, Shepard. The galaxy doesn't work that way. I need to find leads, trace information. I need to work. I can't do that on the Normandy. I wish I could." 

She knows that we're back on the Normandy. There apparently isn't much Liara doesn't know these days. 

"I've never seen you ready to execute someone in cold blood, Liara," I note. And I saw her in a place that would have called for it. "What did the Shadow Broker do to you?"

This time she definitely blanches. Whatever it was is bad. But I don't know why it makes her look away from me so quickly. 

"I was on a job with a friend. The Shadow Broker's people caught us," she explains, then takes a breath. "My friend...didn't escape. I don't if he's dead or being interrogated, but I need to find him. I owe him my life. And I need to make the Shadow Broker pay for what he did." 

"You've spent two years of your life hunting the Shadow Broker?" Shepard demands, frowning deeply. "Liara, that's insane." 

She's right. And Liara didn't say anything about this to me when she was on Omega, even knowing that I could and would have helped her. Why didn't she tell me? 

I can't question that before Liara spins around and snaps, "You don't know what he did! You couldn't! You were gone. And we all did what we had to do after that." 

She looks at me when she says that last part, and the message is clear. I can relate, she knows that. 

Liara sighs. "Let's not argue. I don't have enough friends left to lose one."

Shepard takes a breath and then she stands, too. "Liara, something is going on here. We can see it. Whatever happened with you and the Shadow Broker is big. We're going to help you. But we deserve your honesty." 

I can see that Liara wants to argue, to deflect. But she looks at me for a long moment and then closes her eyes before she asks, "Did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body, Shepard?" 

I hate that. Her body. It reminds me of the truth, of what happened to Shepard and how I lost her. I still can't stand it, even when she's standing just a few feet from me. 

"Shepard..." Liara's tone of voice frightens me, and I find myself leaning forward. Her eyes are still closed, and something tells me that she's trying not to look at me. "I gave you to them." 

The entire room tilts around me, like she jerked the floor right out from under me. I'm on my feet before I really mean to be. 

"They said they could build her," Liara presses, speaking quickly and directly to me now. I start to pace, my heart racing and the energy demanding to go somewhere. I can feel Shepard watching me, and Liara comes around her desk, becoming frantic. "I had to take her body from the Shadow Broker who was going to sell it to the Collectors! Garrus, I - " 

"You knew!" It explodes from me, the shout loud enough to make everyone else in the room startle and Liara physically flinch away from me. "You knew she was revived, and you didn't tell me?" 

"No, no it's not like that!" she protests, putting her hands up. "I wasn't sure that they could do it, that anything would come of it." 

"You could have given me some fucking hope, Liara!" I snap at her, a painful growl building in my chest and my face getting hot. "You saw me. You knew what I was like, what it was doing to me. You let me suffer." 

And then the truth smacks me in the face, and I have to step away from her. I'm too disgusted to be any closer. 

"You used me. You didn't tell me so that you could." Liara starts to protest and reaches out to me, but I smack her hands away. "Don't you dare fucking touch me." 

"Garrus!" Shepard is between us in a second, eyes wide in shock. Jack is nearby, her hands glowing and her focus on Liara who has tears tracking down her face. 

The bitch has some nerve to be crying. She doesn't even know pain. 

Shepard puts a hand on my chest and looks back and forth from me and Liara. "What the hell is going on?"

"Liara showed up on Omega," I begin, forcing my eyes off Liara since I can't kill her with a gaze and because Shepard deserves my attention. "She used her connections to find me, weaseled her way into my life. She made me trust her, and..."   
Something on my face gives it away, Shepard's eyes going wider. "You slept together." 

Liara looks away, but I nod and hold Shepard's gaze when she looks back up at me. There's a burning in my throat and chest, pain exactly like the last time I was betrayed. "She knew I needed comfort. And instead of giving me some hope when she knew you might come back, she got into my bed." 

"Bitch," Jack growls from beside me. 

"It wasn't like that!" Liara nearly screams, her hands visibly shaking. "I did want to comfort you. And I needed it, too!" 

"But you didn't tell me about Shepard and Cerberus," I snap. "Why not, Liara? Maybe because you knew if I thought there was any chance of Shepard coming back, I never would have touched you?" 

Her face pales and falls, Liara turning to look away from us. I feel Shepard tense when she realizes that it's true as well. 

I shake my head and step back, needing to get out of here and away from Liara. "Shepard, you can help her if you want. I won't do it." 

Shepard looks at me and I expect a protest, but she nods. "I get it. Go back to the Normandy and I'll come get you before we go see about this Justicar." I nod and turn away, hoping to get out of here before the breakdown I can feel coming hits. "Garrus." I turn back. "Are you OK?"

"I don't know," I answer honestly. "But I have friends on the ship. And you're coming back so I will be." I don't look at Liara but I know the comment about friends hit home. I hate myself for ever considering her one. I just wish I knew whether Shepard is okay. 

I can't stay to find out, though. I have to get out of here before the reminders of Shepard's death, all the betrayal I've dealt with, and how I felt back on Omega drowns me. I won't survive this again. Not by myself. 

*****

"Shep, I - " 

"Go," I tell Jack, nodding. "Stay with him." 

Jack takes off out of Liara's office after the pissed off, hurt Turian. It leaves me alone with Liara when I should be following him, too. He needs me. But I need answers, and if Liara is this responsible for me being here right now, I owe her. 

I turn back and find Liara still crying, though she's making an attempt at wiping the tears away. I don't know if the tears are because of what Garrus said and his reaction, or because of her own shame. I hope it's both, honestly. 

"I can handle hacking terminals," I tell her. "Garrus has been teaching me. What am I looking for?"

"You're...you're still going to help me?" 

"I don't like being in debt," I tell her. "And the faster we get this done, the faster I can get back to him." 

Liara looks away, something flashing in her eyes. I refuse to read it right now; the last thing I need is to deal with her jealousy. Especially considering the look on Garrus' face when he left here. 

She pulls it together and heads to her desk, still sniffling. "Hacking the security node won't get the data. It just creates a minor glitch in the system. You'll have to find a local server left vulnerable by that glitch, and upload the data to my system. I'm leaving my own system vulnerable so that the data can be imported during that short period of time." 

"I don't need to know how it works. Send me the location of the security nodes." 

"Thank you, Shepard," she says sincerely. "This may help me pay a great debt." Her face falls and her eyes dart away before she forces herself to look at me again. "I - " 

"Don't," I interject, lifting my hand. "I haven't decided if I want to talk about it at all, but definitely not right now. I need..." I take a breath. "Just let me get this done before I change my mind." 

It's hard to even look at Liara right now. I need to better understand what happened because if I go just on what Garrus said, Liara did something gross. I realize that his emotions cloud mine though, and maybe Liara had better intentions than it seems. I'll listen to her because I know I couldn't ask Garrus to; that's not fair. But I also know she saved my life. I'll do this, I'll listen to her, but I'll support Garrus no matter what. 

I set about my task, following Liara's directions to the security nodes and then the terminals they open. I'm definitely getting better at hacking. Or at least at this simple sort of hacking but still, it's a valuable skill. I'd be stuck asking for help if not for Garrus's patience and his lessons. 

It's not long before I'm getting back to Liara, and she's immersed in the work now. There are still tear stains on her face, though, and her eyes are wet. I wonder how much she cried right after I left. I wonder exactly why she's crying, too. 

"The data is extremely helpful," she tells me, focused on her terminal. "I believe this will point me in the right direction, but I'll need a little time to go through it." Finally she looks up at me. "I understand you came to Illium for your own reasons, though." 

I nod and approach the chairs in front of her desk, not sitting this time. "There's an Asari named Samara here. Do you know where I could find her?"

"Samara..." Liara types something, waits, and then nods. "Yes. She arrived recently and registered with Tracking Officer Dara." 

"Why would Samara have to register with a tracking officer?" I ask, alarm bells ringing in my head. Another set-up by the Illusive Man? "Is she a criminal?"

"No, in fact she's quite the opposite as a Justicar. Dara can tell you more, though. I'll let her know to expect you." 

"Thanks. I'm also looking for Thane Krios. He's supposed to be here, too." 

Liara knows this one without typing anything. "The assassin, yes. He arrived here a few days ago. My sources tell me he may be targeting a corporate executive, Nassana Dantius. He contacted a woman named Seryna. Seryna has an office in the cargo transfer levels. Perhaps she can tell you where Krios is." 

"That was all just off the top of your head?" 

She attempts a smile. "I'm a very good information broker, Shepard. The world of intrigue isn't that different from a dig site. Except that the dead bodies still smell." 

"Lovely," I drawl. "Thanks for the help. I'm going to deal with Thane and Samara, and then I'll touch base to see how else we can help you." 

"I...you don't have to do that, Shepard. I would understand." 

I take a breath, keeping my cool. "My loyalties are with Garrus, and they always will be. But I do owe you. I wouldn't have been brought back if not for you; I don't even want to consider what the Collectors might have wanted with my body." 

"Alright," she murmurs, sinking further down into her chair. "I won't lie and say that I don't wish you were doing it as a favor because of our friendship. But I understand why that's not possible." 

"Liara..." I take another breath and sit in front of her, mentally bracing myself for a story I do not want to hear. "Tell me what happened." 

"I...I went to Omega to find Archangel. I'd heard things, and I needed help with something on that station, so I assumed that would be the best source. I did also wonder if that was where Garrus had disappeared to; there are few other places in the galaxy that disappearing so completely is possible." 

"Garrus heard you asking around, he was trying to stay anonymous, so he let you find him," I surmise, using what I know of Garrus's time in hiding. 

Liara laughs a little. "He had his people grab me on the streets and take me to their base, blindfolded." She laughs harder at the expression on my face which I can imagine looks damn gobsmacked. "It was terrifying. But they didn't hurt me, and the moment Garrus spoke, I recognized his voice. We..." She trails off for a moment, looking down at her hands. "I hadn't planned to be on Omega for more than a day, but after finding Garrus, it was harder to leave. We helped one another; my mission aided his." She smiles sadly down at her desk. "His operation was excellent. A great team. You would have been proud to see him." 

"I am proud," I assure her. "Go on." 

"We both missed you. He was in so much pain, Shepard, everyone could see it. It made me ache to see it." She rubs her throat absentmindedly and I force myself not to picture Garrus's hand wrapped around it. "I think we both believed that there was comfort to be gained from one another. Maybe we did gain that, for at least one night." 

Something passes over her face. A sadness, dark and heavy. I know Garrus well enough to know that he likely dismissed her in the morning. It's understandable that would sting. 

"Why didn't you tell him that you'd given Cerberus my body?" I ask. "You had to know about their end goal, the project. You were likely even tracking the progress of the project, right?"

She hesitates, then nods slowly. 

"So why not tell him? If his pain was so incredible and you wanted to comfort him...that seems like the most obvious way, doesn't it?"

Liara shakes her head. "I didn't tell anyone about it for fear that fixating or getting our hopes up would only lead to heartbreak again. And Garrus was still so broken, I...I didn't know if he would survive it a second time. I couldn't be responsible for that." 

A little relief washes through me. It's a completely reasonable answer, one that I can understand. One that means she wasn't being totally selfish. But it's not going to absolve her completely. 

"But he's right, too," I note, keeping my gaze firm on her so she knows I'll catch any lies. "You wanted him, and you knew he would keep his distance if he thought I was coming back." 

"I...I wanted him, yes," she confesses, blurting it out quickly and tightening her shoulders. "It's...

I shake my head. "I don't need an explanation for that. Believe me." 

"Yes, I imagine you don't." She smiles a little but it drops quickly. "I needed comfort as much as he did. I was getting my hopes up, Shepard, and it hurt. Garrus was a reminder of you, a connection to you. I think that's why I stayed at first. But...at some point, I was staying for Garrus." She turns and looks out at the vista over Illium. "If he had asked me to stay, I would have." 

I blink, surprised by that. Liara would have given up a life and a career on Illium to stay with Garrus on Omega if he'd wanted her to. That's more than base level comfort or friendship. That's...

I shake my head at myself, refusing to think the words. She doesn't. But she also didn't want to hurt him. She didn't mean to. And that puts me in an awkward position, knowing he's badly hurt. 

"Okay. I think I understand. And I think I might have made the same choice not to tell him." I shake my head when she gives me a hopeful look. "But not once I knew my feelings for him. You used him after that." 

"I...I know," she breathes. "Your understanding means a lot to me. I don't know that Garrus will ever forgive me, though." 

"Neither do I," I tell her honestly. We stare at each other for a moment, both of us aware that means any friendship between us will need to change, too. I'm on Garrus's side, always. "I've gotta go. I'll see you later." 

Liara nods but then calls my name when I start to leave the room. I look back to find her standing now, her body tight and the tears back. "Please...will you tell him that I'm sorry? I never meant to hurt him." 

"You did hurt him, Liara. It’s up to him when he’s ready to hear that you’re sorry. But...maybe I can tell him that I believe you didn’t mean to be cruel." 

"Thank you." 

I nod and turned, heading out quickly and ignoring Nyxeris. All I can think about now is Garrus and getting back to him. He still needs comfort, and it's my job to give that to him.


	25. Lucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the bonus birthday chapter! This one is as fluffy as the last one was smutty. Have fun!

I feel sick. I feel gross. I slept with too many people on Omega, made a lot of reckless choices and decisions that I regret. But I didn't honestly think that Liara would become one of those. 

She was a friend. We had a shared background and a connection, a grief in common that brought us together. I knew that Liara would have accepted more from me in the morning had I offered, but I never thought that she was deliberately lying to me. I have experience being used for sex, and I always hate it - anyone would. But from a friend, it's a betrayal I can't forgive.

And Shepard. That is not how I wanted her to find out. Will she believe that I was trying to keep something from her? Will she feel betrayed? I couldn't blame her, really. I know how I felt when I only had to consider the distant possibility that Shepard had slept with Kaidan Alenko. Now Shepard knows for sure that I slept with a mutual friend, and found out when we were in front of the other person. It's unfair to her. 

Maybe I should have told Shepard right away. But we don't talk about Omega much, and when we have, Liara never even came to mind. I'd forgotten Liara even worked on Illium. It should have been small, a discussion Shepard and I needed to have, maybe a couple awkward moments with an old friend. Instead, I'm hoping Shepard doesn't hate me, and I never want to see Liara again. 

Jack catches up with me right after I leave Liara's office. She doesn't ask me questions and doesn't offer me a drink, both of which I appreciate. When we get back to the ship, I head down to the Cargo Hold and Jack follows. Grunt is drawn in by the sound of our sparring, and I get multiple rounds in with both of them. It helps ease some of the tension at least. It takes some convincing to get Jack to believe that I'm okay to go up to Shepard's quarters - our quarters - alone. I'm fairly certain it's true. 

When I walk into our quarters and find Shepard sitting on the edge of the bed, I tense for a split second before she smiles. She doesn't hate me. How I feel about myself is a different story. 

"EDI said you were in the Cargo Bay, and I assumed you were down there letting Grunt and Jack beat the hell out of you so I gave you some space." 

"You know me so well." I drop my armor, which I carried up, and then sit down heavily beside her. I hold my hand out, palm up, and Shepard puts her hand inside it. "You were okay helping her, right? I didn't like leaving you, you know that." 

"I do know," she promises. "But it was fine. I actually got to practice hacking a bunch! I'm getting good at it, you know." 

That gets me smiling. "I do know, you're getting very good. Quick learner." 

"I had a good teacher." 

"Your teacher enjoyed all the opportunities to grope you at the console while you practiced." Shepard throws her head back and laughs. It eases some of my tension. Just some, though. Mostly I still feel like absolute shit. "Shepard...I wanted to tell you before we even got there. I honestly forget she'd told me that she was on Illium now until that concierge said something." 

"No, I realize that you tried," she says, waving me off. "You must have asked me half a dozen times to talk, really. I give you credit for the effort, I promise." She takes a breath and looks up at me. "Liara was - " 

"Please don't." I try not to push away from her, as much as I want distance automatically. I can't listen to her defend or explain Liara. And it doesn't matter. "I don't care, I don't want to get into that. All I need to know is if I can fix this with us. I am so sorry, Shepard." 

"You're...wait, fix us?" Shepard shakes her head at me and shifts to turn toward me, pulling her leg up on the bed between us. "Garrus, what are you sorry for?"

I shake my head, the words getting stuck in my throat. "Every person I was with on Omega feels like I betrayed you," I confess. "I had no idea you were coming, and if I had...Shepard, I would have waited for you. For those two years and years more, I don't care." 

"Hey, look at me." When I don't, Shepard climbs right onto my lap and takes my face between her hands. "You have never betrayed me. Honestly, I think you're the only person in the galaxy I'm absolutely certain will never betray me. You are loyal in a way that I aspire to, Garrus. Seriously. But listen to me." She leans in and kisses me gently, lingering. I never want to open my eyes again. "Whatever you needed to do on Omega to survive, I approve of. I don't care what or who...I have you back. That's all I care about." 

I look up at her, my heart thumping. "You're really not pissed off at me?" 

"Garrus." She chuckles and shakes her head. "You thought I was dead. I actually was dead. You did not betray me." 

I pull her face down to me and capture her mouth, trying to pour all my gratitude into the kiss and exploring her mouth deeply. Shepard moans, pressing against me and wrapping her arms around my neck. "Tell me we have time," I murmur against her mouth, slipping a hand between us and unbuttoning her pants with just a flick of my fingers. 

"We don't have time," she giggles, the sweet sound tied to my cock. 

"You don't mean that," I counter, standing and turning with her in my arms so I can bring her down on the bed under me. "You want me," I argue playfully, kissing her lips again before moving down to her throat. I slip my hand up her shirt, dragging my fingers over her abs and then up to her breasts. She tries to stifle a moan by biting her lip when I squeeze. 

"Garrus, we - " I pinch her nipple through the fabric of her sports bra and she cuts off in another moan. "Tracking officer is...waiting. Oh!" she cries when I duck down and run my tongue between her hips. 

"You want to go see a tracking officer," I yank down the zipper on her jeans and nip her stomach, "or you wanna cum on my tongue?" 

I'm always hot for her, I constantly crave the taste of this woman, but I'm a little more desperate than usual. I need Shepard to know how I feel about her, how much she means to me, and this is the best way I know to show her. 

I tug the front of her pants down enough to slip my tongue inside, grazing her clit over her panties. Shepard whimpers and lifts her hips; I don't waste the opportunity to pull her pants below her ass and then down to her knees. A moan escapes me when I finally touch her, pulling her panties aside to press my face between her thighs. She's not wet yet and I'm fine with that; getting her hot is a joy. It also gets me going, licking her softly bringing on my own erection, which I free into my hand. 

My hand is a disappointment with Shepard around, so I yank her pants the rest of the way off and then stand, tossing Shepard further up onto the bed. I grab a pillow and fold it in half, then lay down and motion to her. "Come here." 

Shepard starts to straddle my hips but I catch her halfway. She yelps when I spin her around, positioning her soft, pink, now very wet pussy over my face and then lift my head to run my tongue along her. She cries out but doesn't need direction, her hand gripping my cock hard. The next time she moans, it's with my dick in her mouth. 

I love this, surrounded by her taste and sound, the beautiful woman on top of me working her magic. She tastes incredible and I devour her, using the full length of my tongue inside her. She grinds her hips on my face, jerks my shaft, and sucks the head hard. It's utter bliss, head to toe. It only gets better when I feel her orgasm start to build, her muscles quaking and scent changing. My dick finds the back of her throat and then I'm lost as well, both of us crashing and crying out. 

She shifts forward when she can't take it anymore and collapses down on top of me, hand still holding my dick though she's stopped stroking. I palm her ass mostly to make her giggle and take a deep breath, searching for any remaining tension. I can't find an ounce. She really is magical. 

"You are such a problem, Vakarian," she groans at me. "We should be working, and somehow you got my pants off." 

"You're welcome," I quip. Shepard laughs but lifts her head to look back at me with a forced frown. "I'm not going to apologize for getting you off, baby. Or for cumming in your mouth. Fuck, I enjoy that." 

She barks out a laugh. "You are entirely incorrigible. Now put this thing away and let's get to work." She drops a soft kiss on the head of my cock and then climbs off of me, leaving me with a dose of torture that I probably deserved. And the smile on her face is entirely worth it. 

We clean up, sharing a few soft kisses I still need to convince myself we're okay, and then get dressed. Fortunately, my erection is entirely gone by the time I have to get back into my armor. Shepard takes my hand in the elevator and squeezes to make me look down at her. "We're good, big guy. You know that, right?" 

"I'm...trusting you," I promise, pulling her a little closer. Shepard's smile assures me that's enough. I still don't know if I completely believe I'm just off the hook, and I'm sure she wants to talk about Liara - which is never going to happen - but I don't give a shit about that Asari. As long as I have Shepard happy and feeling secure with me, I'm not going to worry myself with anyone else. 

We grab Jack again, and she thanks us for the half-hour nap which gets Shepard blushing before we leave the ship. This time we have a real destination and can do exactly what we came here to do. 

Shepard leads us to the office of a tracking officer that Liara told her was supposed to be watching the Justicar. I can tell Shepard is a little anxious after learning this Samara has to be watched, but it's worth checking if she's as powerful as the dossier made her sound. 

We go to the shipping area in Nos Astra, and the doors open to a short set of stairs down. At the bottom of the stairs, there's a Salarian on the phone, talking to someone on comms. 

"Listen, I know the data is vital to the Kirosa family," he says. "Nassana Dantius didn't give us time to pack. I'm lucky I got out at all. Her mercenaries were starting to shoot! If she lets us back in, I'll get it, I promise. If not...well, we'll just have to hope." 

"Nassana Dantius," Shepard says quietly as we pass him. "Liara said that name...oh, that's the assassin's target. Thane Krios; he's after her." 

"Hmm." I glance back at the Salarian. "Whether we rescue her from the assassin and get the people 'back in' - whatever that means - or she gets killed, we'll have to see about getting that data for him." 

Shepard nods to agree but Jack laughs. "You guys really need to up your standards. I mean, I'm a convict and now an assassin. Oh, and that crazy ass Massani!" 

"Depending on how you look at it, Shepard already has an assassin on the crew," I note, shrugging it off. 

"You were not an assassin," Shepard counters, giving me a dark look. 

"I mean...he was an assassin," Jack notes. Before Shepard can snap at her, she adds, "But an assassin with morals is nothing like other assassins. You're a vigilante. Oh, shit!" She turns and punches me in the arm, adding her biotics to rock me. "You're Batman!" 

"I'm what? Should I be punching you in the mouth for that?"

Shepard laughs. "No! It's a good thing. We'll show you later." 

"And then Shep can brag that she's banging Batman." The two of them get a real kick out of that, but I just shake my head. Humans are so odd. 

We head to the doors to the transportation hub on the other side of the shipping area. The doors lead into the hallway and then another door to the transportation hub. It's a much larger and livelier area, skycars and cabs coming in and out of the station rapidly. 

The police station is sizeable and covers a significant portion of the area. This definitely isn't the publicly funded C-Sec; the police force on Illium is a for-profit endeavor from the Asari people and government, and you can tell. I don't think this is a good way to manage a police force, but it gets the job done. 

We head into the station, and an Asari at a desk turns toward us. "Can I help you with something?" she calls, motioning for us to approach. 

"Tracking Officer Dara? I'm looking for an Asari warrior named Samara," Shepard tells her as we approach. 

"Wait, why?" Dara asks, her face falling. "Do you have a problem, or...did she kill somebody already?" 

I look at Shepard and see my surprise mirrored on her face. She shakes her head and recovers quickly; I can tell she's trying to calm the detective. "I just need to speak with her." 

"Good. Samara is the first Justicar I've ever seen on Illium. If I'm lucky, things will stay peaceful." She takes a deep breath, obviously on edge, and it's making me nervous. "She went to the commercial spaceport a few hours ago. If you want to get there, the pedestal on that balcony will summon a cab. Just be polite when you meet her. Justicars embody our highest laws, and they usually stay in space. She's not used to dealing with aliens." 

"We live on a ship full of people like that," I assure the detective even though she doesn't understand. Jack chuckles at me, though. 

Shepard shoots me a grin but focuses. "Can you tell us about the Justicars? I honestly don't understand the big deal." 

"They're a monastic order. They've give up everything - family, possessions, everything - to follow their code. Most of them are on some lifelong mission, but they'll always stop to deal with any injustice they encounter. Which can be a problem. In some ways, they're a lot like Spectres." 

I can tell Shepard isn't sold on that yet. Considering she isn't religious in the least, comparison to a monastic order probably feels weird. "Spectres are authorized by the Council. Who do Justicars represent?"

"What?" Dara just blinks at her, glancing at me briefly for help. "That's like...I don't know a good human metaphor. They represent their code. Our code. It's closer to a religious group than a legal branch. No law-abiding Asari would question a Justicar's orders, nobody becomes a Justicar for personal gain, and they'd die before breaking their oaths." 

"Is Samara really that dangerous?" I ask, starting to wonder if I want this person near my girl. 

Dara shrugs. "If you follow the laws, you've got nothing to fear. But their code orders them to stop lawbreakers. With lethal force, in most cases." 

"Ah. And everyone skirts the law somehow on Illium," I finish. 

"Exactly," she agrees. "If someone tried to bribe her, she'd be obliged to gun them down as a matter of honor. I'm hoping to avoid that." Sensible. 

"Why are you worried about other species coming into contact with her?" Shepard asks. "It doesn't sound like she'd have different standards for different races." 

"No, it's not that. If a Justicar kills an Asari, none of us questions it. But if she killed a human?" Dara throws up her hands a little. "Do you think the Alliance would understand her actions and respect her authority? You can't even figure out your own religions! No offense." 

Shepard waves that off. "You have a point. It's a diplomatic incident waiting to happen." 

Dara seems intensely relieved that we understand and aren't going to cause a scene with someone who might be forced to kill us for it. And just when I decided I don't want to die. 

We thank her and head out, getting into a cab and taking it to the commercial spaceport. It's not a long ride, and we get out just in time to watch an Asari cop approach a Volus who is guarded by two heavily armed Turians. 

"Where do you think you're going?" the cop demands. 

"I'm taking my goods to Omega, Detective," the Volus responds, doing his best to pretend he's not defensive. I can tell from here he's doing something he shouldn't be. 

The cop shakes her head. "You're not going anywhere. Not until I solve this murder." 

Shepard looks up at me immediately when we catch that word. There was a murder? We're after both a Justicar and an assassin; it's hard to imagine this won't be tied to what we're doing somehow. Besides, if there was a murder, Shepard is going to be compelled to help; it was knowing that which compelled me to help on Omega. 

"I had nothing to do with that," the volus protests, waving it off. "It was those mercenary thugs you can't seem to get rid of." Now I'm a little more interested. 

"The victim was your business partner, and I'm not ruling you out," the cop replies coolly. "I'll let you know when you can leave." 

The volus doesn't like that. "What about that Justicar that just showed up? Everyone says she might go crazy and start killing! I need to leave!" 

"She'll only kill the unjust. So I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, Pitne For," the cop replies, not bothering to hide her grin. I like her. "Find me in the station if you need me." 

The detective walks away toward the police station. Since this isn't the primary area of Illium and the police station is located here, I know that means most of the cop’s time and efforts revolve around trafficking. It's not surprising. 

Just beyond the police station, we can see the active crime scene. There are a lot of people milling about, some working but most watching or gossiping. "We could probably ask around," I tell Shepard. "The crowd might know things the cops won't be willing to share." 

"Yeah, and someone noticed us listening," Shepard replies, nodding toward the volus - Pitne For - who is watching us now. He seems to consider we aren't a threat and then starts pacing between his bodyguards, grumbling to himself as we approach. 

"What do you want?" he snaps at us. "I've already got mercs wanting to kill me like they did my partner! I don't need anymore trouble." He makes a sound that would be a growl on another species and continues, "As if that weren't enough, some Justicar showed up this morning. All the natives are scared of her. I've got to get off this world." 

Shepard throws her hands up a little. "Everyone has opinions about her, but has Samara actually done anything yet?"

"The Asari say that Justicars are lethal in a fight, and if they so much as smell corruption, they start shooting." The volus leans a little closer, like sharing a secret. "The thing is, corruption isn't that hard to find around here." 

"We hadn't noticed," I snark, glancing at his barefaced bodyguards. "Where can we find the Justicar?"

"She's in the alley where my business partner was murdered." He gestures toward the lines of police tape behind us. "A detective sealed the area, though." 

"You don't seem too broken up about your partner's death," Shepard notes.

Pitne For waves that off. "Dakni Kur knew the risks when he took to spacing. Right now, my worry is me. It's unhealthy to be a volus in the Nos Astra spaceport right now. Especially a Volus named Pitne For!"

"Why do you think it was mercs?"

"Dakni Kur was cutting through a back alley last night when someone killed him with a shotgun. I saw the body; they used modded rounds. That means Eclipse mercs." 

Shepard looks up at me for confirmation and I nod. "Eclipse like mods and could access them from Omega." I shrug and add, "Of course, so could a Volus trader." 

"I didn't - " 

"You're familiar with these Eclipse," I talk over him. "What do you know?" 

"I occasionally do business with them, but only in well-lit places with my guards and only after the credits clear," he replies. "This is a scummy bunch, even by merc standards. They sell red sand, all kinds of illegal items, and they are all cold-blooded killers." 

Again, Shepard looks to me for confirmation. I'm not sure how I feel about having established mercs as my area of expertise, but at least it's useful. "I don't know this faction off hand, but I can't disagree with any of that about Eclipse. They're some of the best assassins in the galaxy." 

"Okay. So why would these mercs kill your business partner?" Shepard asks. "And why do you think they're coming after you, too?"

"I have no idea," he answers. I'm instantly certain it's a lie. "We're just innocent merchants. But they killed him, so they must be after me, too. I have to work the angles and get out of here." 

Shepard rolls her eyes and doesn't bother to thank or dismiss the volus before turning back to me and Jack, motioning for us to follow her. "Wanna canvas the crowd, Officer?" she teases me. 

"We could start with the guy who wants on you," Jack notes with a smile, looking behind me and Shepard. I assume she means on Shepard until I turn and find a Turian guy a few yards away, his eyes definitely on me and his interest piqued. And a few years ago, I would have been all over that.

"Oh, he's your type," Shepard notes, surprising me with her knowledge of my 'type' in Turian men. She laughs when I give her a look. "I've seen enough to know. You like them big enough to make dominating them a challenge, darker plates, wide hips..." 

"Hmm. That last one crosses species," I note, scanning her pointedly. Jack laughs and elbows me while Shepard narrows her eyes without heat. 

We head toward the crowd, keeping our pace casual so we can pick up conversation. The Turian guy makes a point of getting into our path and leans against a railing, giving me a heated look. I watch his eyes note the lack of a mark on my throat and it makes me feel naked, vulnerable. It says that I'm available, and I am anything but. 

I instinctively reach for Shepard. I want to wrap my arm around her, hold her, make it clear who I belong to. But I pull back. We're working. 

Shepard notices, though. She touches my forearm and squeezes, giving me a look that asks if I'm okay. When I nod, she smiles and reaches up to graze her fingers down my throat. Instantly, the Turian guy shifts, realizing that I'm unavailable, and my tension lifts. My best friend to my rescue again. 

"You know what happened?" I ask the guy, more confident now. 

He shrugs a little, fortunately not a dick. "Cops won't admit it, but the Eclipse run this area." He looks at Shepard, then back up at me. "You share?" Okay, so he is a dick. 

I ignore the question and we move on. Most conversations are useless, so we head back for the police station. The detective who closed the crime scene will need to give us access to it now. We pass an Asari Spaceport Official on the way and hear her say, "I wanted to be a Justicar when I was young. Every Asari does, I guess." 

We enter the police station and Shepard motions toward the detective who was telling off the Volus. She seems to be investigating the murder, so it's a good place to start. The plate on her desk identifies her as Detective Anaya, and when we approach, her head is in her hands. 

She looks up at us, not seeming pleased. "Nice guns," she drawls. "Try not to use them in my district. What can I do for you?"

Shepard takes a seat in front of the desk, and I sit down beside her. Jack stands near us, distant and unassuming. She knows she makes people nervous; it doesn't bother her as much as it bothers me. 

"I'm looking for an Asari warrior named Samara," Shepard tells Anaya. 

"If you've got a score to settle with the Justicar, take it somewhere else," Anaya replies, voice hard. She obviously knows the person we want. "I've got more than enough trouble here already." 

"It's just the opposite, actually," Shepard assures her. "I need to recruit Samara for my mission, and then we'll be on our way." 

Anaya studies Shepard for a moment. "Justicars usually work alone, but they are drawn to impossible causes." 

"Best kind," Jack chimes in. 

"And the only kind we know how to take, right, Commander?" I tease, earning a kick to the leg from the fiesty red head beside me. 

"Well if you're getting her out of my district, I'll get you to her ASAP," Anaya tells us, brightening a little. "She's at the crime scene." 

I blink at that. "You let her into a sealed crime scene?"

Anaya shrugs. "I'm a cop. I'll work with a Justicar all I can. Besides, she's been looking at crime scenes longer than our two life spans combined. She knows how to handle herself." 

Before I can make a comment about the number of lifespans between us all, Shepard swats my leg and says, "Shut it, you." I laugh and she joins me, neither of us giving thought to the confusion from Anaya or Jack's smirk. 

It's so different to share these moments with Shepard publicly and not have her withdraw after. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it, but I'm certain I'll never get tired of it. 

Shepard pulls it together and turns back to Anaya. "You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district." 

"My bosses want me to detain her; they're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident." Anaya shakes her head. "But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you're here to lure her away with some big noble cause, I'm thrilled to help you." 

"Samara would kill you for doing your job?" Shepard clarifies, her eyebrow quirked. "That doesn't sound very just." 

"Shit, next time a cop tries to take me in, I should tell 'em my 'code' says I can't be arrested," Jack drawls, rolling her eyes dramatically.

I can't help but agree. "Samara sounds like she'd fit in on Omega at this point. And that's not a good thing." 

"Samara would die defending an honest cop, but she'd fight an army of dirty cops to the death," Anaya tells us, thawing me to the idea of a Justicar just a little. "I admire her dedication, but her presence is a big problem. I need her gone before I have to carry out my orders." 

"Well then your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason," Shepard notes, her voice getting harder. "You have a right to disobey.

I can't help laughing at that. "I wish I'd known we could disobey suicidal orders," I quip.

"It's our fault for volunteering," Jack laughs. 

Shepard just rolls her eyes, smirking at us. "Most of the time, I'm not being stupid about it. I can't say the same for Anaya's superiors." 

"I'm a cop and I know my duty," Anaya says. "I've been ordered to detain her, and I will...unless I can get her to leave my district first." 

"Let's make that happen. Can you give us access to the crime scene?" 

Anaya nods. "I'll send word to let you in. Be careful. The local Eclipse mercs have been all over those back alleys lately." 

"What happened back there with the volus?" I ask. She's a detective, so I don't know how much she'll divulge. But if we have to pull out Shepard's credentials for information, we can. 

"A Volus merchant was murdered." She stands and turns, looking through the window behind her that faces the crime scene. "It was a professional hit, so we're not dealing with junkies looking for a score. I'm thinking those Eclipse. Can't prove it, but if the Volus was dirty too, maybe it's just a deal gone bad." 

Shepard looks between me and Anaya. "Okay, between the two of you, what do I need to know about these mercs?" 

"Eclipse mercs are professional killers," I tell her. "They smuggle illegal mods and drugs from Omega back here, and smuggle illegal weapons tech from Illium onto Omega." 

"Right," Anaya agrees, "and this band controls the back alleys around here. I haven't been able to find their nest yet, though." 

"One of us has a knack for that," Jack quips, giving me an obnoxious wink. 

Anaya just shrugs. "If you can take 'em down, you're welcome to!" 

"We'll do our best," Shepard notes. "I need to know more about the Justicars." 

"They're a kind of...humans might call them 'warrior monks,'" she says. "They live by a complex code that compels them to punish the wicked and protect the pure. They've been a part of Asari culture for millennia. I read adventure stories about Justicars when I was a child." 

And now she might be killed by one just for doing her job. Yikes. 

"People seem really nervous about Samara's presence," Shepard notes. She's definitely still undecided about whether or not Samara is going to be a good addition to the team. I can't blame her. Even if people react like this everywhere we go to a member of our team, it's an issue. However, if she's as powerful as it sounds...

"Asari admire Justicars...but we also know that they kill without mercy when they find corruption," Anaya continues. "And Justicars never leave Asari space. So why is she here? I doubt it's to investigate the murder of some corrupt Volus." 

"What do you think of Samara?" I ask. 

Anaya takes a breath, probably weighing what she wants to say against what will get her killed. "She's been a Justicar longer than three human or Turian lifespans. Whoever she was before she swore that oath is dead." She shrugs. "All I need to know now is that she's a Justicar." 

Shepard nods and stands, and I join her. We thank her and she wishes us luck before we leave. "We'd better get to Samara before Anaya has to go after her," I note. "The galaxy doesn't have enough good cops to let one go." 

"And I definitely couldn't bring someone onto the team after knowing she murdered a cop to get out of being arrested," Shepard notes. "Don't," she snaps at Jack before something snarky and incriminating can spill from her mouth. Jack and I both laugh, and Shepard rolls her eyes, leading us toward the crime scene. 

It's marked off by a line of virtual police tape, just like the kind we used at C-Sec. At the entrance to the alley, one Asari cop is standing on each side. They're armed but relaxed, and one of them shuts down the tape when we approach even though we could walk through. 

"Anaya told us to let you through," the cop says. "Watch yourself; there's merc activity back here." 

Shepard motions over her shoulder at me and Jack. "I brought backup." 

The cop accepts that for what it is and motions for us to head inside. Immediately to the right of the alley entrance is a locked console, and I remember Detective Anaya saying that the Eclipse run the alleys. "Hack it," I tell Shepard, motioning to it. 

"You think it's valuable?"

"I think practice is always valuable, and you never know what we'll find." 

"Spoken like a true hacker," she teases me even as she steps up to the console. "It's well guarded. Maybe you should do it." 

"Stop that." I lean on the console, not even looking at the screen. I don't need to doubt her or look over her shoulder; Shepard is more than capable. "Even if you screw up, it'll only mean that we need more practice...and you know how much I enjoy practice." 

Shepard flushes, that gorgeous pink color popping up on her cheeks. It makes me want to make it spread over the rest of her body. Jack makes a gagging sound, though. "You two gross me out. If I ever fall in love, shoot me in the face." 

"Gladly," I promise. Shepard laughs, the sound punctuated by a chime telling us that she got into the console successfully. "Well done, kid." I extend my hand for a high five and when she meets my palm, I tangle our fingers and pull her close so I can bump my forehead against hers. 

Jack progresses to full on vomiting noises but Shepard tilts her face up and kisses me full on the mouth. "We should actually check what I found," she murmurs without pulling away from me. 

"Or we could send Jack away and treat this alley like that one Omega," I tease, fighting the urge to touch her. 

We both startle when Jack pops up so close that she's almost between our faces. "I need to know what the fuck you two did in an alley on Omega." 

I laugh and push Jack away by the face. "I'll tell ya later." 

"You will not!" Shepard protests. "God, you two are the worst! Can we just read the damn data?"

"You're super cute when you're pretending to be mad," I tease, using my Omni-Tool to scan the data onto a datapad, which I then hand to Shepard. She sticks her tongue out at me. "That is not helping me control myself." 

Shepard just laughs and takes the pad. She frowns a little at it and then reads, "Eria, let's consider this extra stock surplus. Ship the rest to Thax at his normal destination. He'll never miss a few lost pieces." She shrugs. "I don't know if it's related but it's kind of messed up." 

"I told you everyone on Illium is just as dirty as people on Omega," I note with a shrug. 

"Yeah. I like that name, though," she notes, still staring at the pad as we start walking away from the console and further into the alley. "Thax." She repeats it a couple times, an odd look on her face. I get a flashback of my bond-sister doing the same thing the first time she was pregnant. 

"You like the name? You mean like..." My throat feels hot and I have to swallow. "For kids, you like the name?" 

Shepard looks up at me and then her gaze flashes away quickly. "Yeah. For kids." 

"I didn't realize you thought about things like that," I note, dropping my voice. 

"Does that bother you?" 

I can't help a little laugh, the fluttering in my stomach making me feel like I could float down the alley. "Bother me? Shepard, I'm fucking thrilled. And frankly pretty flattered. Assuming those are kids with me you imagine." 

Now she beams up at me, her emerald eyes glittering. "Something else for us to keep practicing," she quips. I only manage to love her more, but it has to wait when we approach another police line. Beyond this is the official start of the crime scene. I watch her commander mask go on and pull my rifle into my hands for my own mask as we cross through it, getting down to business. There's time for fun later. 

We head up a set of stairs at the end of the hallway and pause behind the wall when we can hear voices up ahead of us. "Get the rest of Bravo squad prepped. Alpha squad went after that Justicar twenty minutes ago and they've gone dark," the voice says. 

I realize what that means at the same time I can tell Shepard and Jack realize it. The Eclipse aren't just here and probably involved in the murder, they're after the Justicar too. Or she's after them. Either way, they're in our way. 

I'm not sad to have a reason to take out more Eclipse, and the moment Shepard gives a nod, I take position and start taking shots. "You know, I kind of miss spending all my time killing mercs." 

"You are never going to retire with me, are you?" Shepard teases. 

The three of us find cover and good positions, working together to wear down the Eclipse and LOKI mechs facing us. And then they get some back up. The new Eclipse aren't super effective but they are wearing uniforms I recognize. Shit. 

"Shepard, see the ones in yellow?" She nods. "Sisterhood initiates. That means we're up against the Eclipse Sisters." She just looks at me, the name not registering. "These are the Eclipse. Their best and worst." 

"More reasons to kill them," Jack notes, letting out a roar as she nails a few of them at one with a biotic blast. She has a point and we get it done effectively, pushing through the end of the hallway and then through the set of doors facing us. 

The moment the doors open, an Asari in Eclipse gear comes flying toward us and slams into the wall beside the doors. We all duck instinctively but nothing else comes, and it's not really standard to use your body as a weapon, so it's more weird than anything. Ahead, we can see another Eclipse soldier is armed but she looks terrified, backing away from an Asari who is very tall and surrounded by an aura of biotic power.

We don't really need to ask questions to know that we're looking at the Justicar. Shepard signals for us to stay back and I agree. I kind of want to see this go down. 

"Those were my best troops," the Eclipse breathes, holding her gun at the Justicar but we can see her hands shaking. 

"Tell me what I need to know and I will be gone from here," Samara says calmly. "Where did you send her?" 

The soldier laughs. "You think I'd betray her? She would hurt me in ways you can't imagine." 

"The name of the ship," Samara presses. She very clearly doesn't care about the Eclipse soldier's pain. Can't blame her. "Your life hangs on the answer, Lieutenant." 

"Damn, she has an Eclipse lieutenant shaking like that?" I mutter. "Impressive." 

The Eclipse finds the courage to stand up a little straighter. "You can kill me," she snaps. "But one of us will take you down, Justicar!" 

She raises her gun to shoot but Samara grabs her with biotics, launches the merc through a stack of crates, and then uses her biotics to fly over to her. We watch her plant her foot on the Eclipse soldier's neck and I almost expect Shepard to intervene, but she continues to hold us. It's a good call. And it should be a good show. 

"What was the name of the ship she left on?" Samara asks, totally calm. Incredibly calm, really. 

"Go to hell." Her bravado is pretty impressive, too. 

Samara sighs. "Find peace in the embrace of the goddess."

The Justicar twists her foot and expertly snaps the Eclipse lieutenant's neck. The kill is quick and clean and as merciful as possible. It's a little unnerving to have someone who just made a kill like that though look right at you, though, so we all hesitate when Samara spots us. 

Shepard signals for us to put our weapons away, and we do while meeting the Justicar in the middle of the room. Her biotic glow has settled but I'm still acutely aware that someone this powerful is in reach of Shepard. 

"My name is Samara," she tells us, "a servant of the Justicar Code. My quarrel is with these Eclipse Sisters, but I see three well armed people before me. Are we friend or foe?"

That's the million credit question, and with one glance at Shepard, I know she hasn't decided yet. Whatever Shepard says now will likely determine whether or not we get into a fire fight with this Justicar or recruit her. Shepard is a hell of a soldier and an excellent diplomat, but she has her own moral code and demands that the people she associates with live up to that code. At the moment, I don't know if Samara has. 

My fingers itch for my rifle but I stay calm. I have the utmost faith in the temperamental little redhead holding my life in her hands. 

*****

I don't know how to feel about Justicars. The idea of a group of extremely powerful people running around unchecked with no oversight. Any of them could interpret their 'code' for their own missions or personal reasons, and anyone who tries to stop or police them will be killed. And it's all legal! 

I'm also not sure how to feel about Samara personally. I don't know her at all, I'll admit that, but she just murdered someone. She asks if we're friend or foe and at the moment...I just don't know. 

"That merc was wounded and helpless," I reply to Samara, ignoring the way Garrus shifts beside me. I know he disagrees, that we have different methods for approaching mercs specifically. I also know that Garrus can be rational...or at least that he can follow orders while on my team. And on my team, we don't kill unarmed prisoners. "Do you just kill anyone who won't help you?" 

"If my cause is important enough, yes," Samara answers. Well, points for honesty. "Are you different?"

"I've killed enemies, but always with good reason," I tell her, just as honest. 

Samara nods. "I answer to a code that is clearly defined. If my actions are true to that code, I am just. If they are not, I am unjust." She moves, pacing a big in front of us. It's not a stressed out pacing, though. I just get the idea that she wants to be moving. "I don't pretend it is a simple matter, or that it seems right to everyone. But I sleep well at night, and that is more than most can say. How can I be of service to you?"

I can't help thinking about Garrus - about Archangel. I can claim that Justicars bother me because they enforce their own code without oversight, but I'm in love with and proud of someone who did the same exact thing. Archangel was a hero, doing the best he could in a hellhole. Is Samara that different?

I don't know if I could ever be capable of doing what Archangel did, what Samara does. It's a gray area of justice. But I do believe that people like them are necessary. And damn, we need all the help we can get. 

"Commander Shepard. I'm going up against suicidal odds, and I need the best," I tell her. "That's you." 

Samara eyes me for a moment and then nods again. "I sense the truth in what you say, and it humbles me. But I seek an incredibly dangerous fugitive." She looks down at the dead Eclipse. "I cornered her here, but the Eclipse Sisters smuggled her off-world. I must find the name of the ship she left on before the trail goes cold." 

"I wish you were willing to go with the human, Justicar," a voice says from behind us. We all turn to find Detective Anaya approaching. She has a pistol on her hip but isn't holding it. "I've been ordered to take you into custody if you won't leave." 

"You risk a great deal by following your orders, Detective," Samara says, her tone completely genuine. "Fortunately, I will not have to resist. My code obligates me to cooperate with you for one day. After that, I must return to my investigation." 

Anaya balks. "I won't be able to release you that soon!" 

"You won't be able to stop me," Samara replies, intensely calm. 

"Whoa, wait. What just happened?" I demand. This feels like we're barreling toward a very dead cop, and I don't need that in my life. 

"I was trying to convince her to leave with you." Anaya sighs deeply. "But Justicars and their Code..." 

Samara turns to me. "The detective has been ordered to detain me. I can't force her to disobey an order." 

"Justicars are stupid," Jack snaps. "Your code just means you kill her tomorrow instead of today." 

"I am afraid so," Samara agrees, unphased by the insult. Lucky Jack. 

"OK, let's stop planning to murder detectives, please. There must be some way we can all get what we need." I turn and look to Garrus because he's always the first person I look to when I need help or solutions. In this case, he just gives me a helpless look. 

"I see a way," Samara tells us. "While I am in custody, you find the name of that ship. Do that, and I will join your mission, Commander Shepard. Then the code will be satisfied." 

I want to be excited, but that sounds almost too good to be true. "A moment ago, you refused to give up your investigation. Now you'll follow me?"

"If I stay, I will be compelled to kill many innocents to escape incarceration." 

"Like me," Anaya interjects. 

"Yes," Samara agrees. "I may also be killed, and my target would be free to continue murdering. If I come with you and survive your mission, I can resume my investigation. To do that, I need the ship's name to track her. It's a simple choice." 

Garrus makes a thoughtful sound. "A slim chance is better than no chance." 

"Well...I do have an ex-cop with me," I note. "Do you have any leads?"

Samara does not at all seem surprised that we agree. "The Volus merchant, Pitne For, is tied to this. Eclipse mercs are preparing to kill him. Get the truth out of him. He may know a way into the Eclipse base." 

It's a solid lead, and we agree to take it on. Jack might be pretty bored by the whole thing but I can tell that Garrus is in agreement with my call. That will always mean a lot to me. 

"Well...I've got to get back to my station," Anaya says, her shoulders low and her expression tight. She's scared; it's hard to blame her. "And I guess I've got to take you with me." 

Samara nods to her and then looks back at me. "Thank you, Shepard." The two of them leave, the detective casting back one final 'please help me' look before they disappear through an exit into the police station. We take the long way back into the spaceport. 

"There he is," Jack notes, pointing to where Pitne For is standing. One of his guards is smoking a cigarette and the other is a few feet away, flirting with the Turian guy who had eyes for Garrus. 

The Volus turns to greet us without a care in the world. He's standing between me and that Justicar killing the detective. "Hello again, Earth-clan," he says. "Did you speak to the detective?"

"You said you didn't know anything about this," I snap. The guy is a coward; a show of force is all this will take. "You've got one chance to change that statement." 

"What do you mean, Earth-clan?" he asks, feigning innocence - and not doing a good job of it. "I'm just trying to get my goods off this planet." 

I give a little nod and without even looking at the guy, Garrus knows what I want. He pulls out his rifle and has it pointed right at Pitne For's face. Jack throws her head back and laughs. "Oh, that was fantastic. She barely moved. You two really are like...comic book heroes. Damn." 

Its a struggle not to smile at her while we're trying to be intimidating, and I can see Garrus having the same battle. 

"Oh, dear!" Pitne For screeches. "Please put that away. I'll be cooperative, I swear!" 

I barely flex my fingers, and Garrus puts his rifle down. I don't know about heroes or comic books, but we make a damn good team. "Tell me everything." 

"I smuggled a chemical onto Illium that boosts biotic powers in combat...a toxic chemical," he confesses. "I may have, um, forgotten to mention that part to the Eclipse. So they are perturbed and want to kill me." 

"Tell me about this chemical," I press him.

"It's called Minagen X3, and it's very, very...um, illegal." He has the grace to sound ashamed of himself, but I'm sure he's not genuine. I also just hate him. "Anyone with biotic powers who is exposed to it becomes more powerful. The higher your exposure, the more powerful you get. But too much of it, you die. That's the part the Eclipse found disagreeable." 

"Wow, they're so unreasonable," I quip, narrowing my eyes at him. 

"So this stuff is like red sand on...well, red sand?" Jack asks. 

Pitne For looks at the floor when he answers, "Yes. I, um...I added it to red sand." 

"Oh for fuck's sake," Garrus growls. 

I have very limited experience with red sand. I literally only know that it enhances biotic powers, it's addictive, and it's illegal. I don't know that I could actually recognize it; does it look like red sand? Do they snort it or smoke it or... I shake it off. I'll deal with my lack of drug knowledge later. Right now, we need to push forward. 

"OK, so you've been in the Eclipse base," I confirm, pointing at Pitne For. I'm about done with this guy. "What do you remember?"

"It's a series of docking bays where the Eclipse keep their private ships," he answers. "They're well-armed, and they've got mechs. And they're all murderers. Every one of them kills someone as part of their initiation." 

My lack of knowledge extends to merc bands and their initiation rules. I'm beyond lucky to have Garrus who nods when I look at him. And doesn't judge me for needing to ask. "Those initiates we saw will be trying to get their first kill. Then they get official armor and become Sisters." 

"Lovely bunch of people, and clearly you belong with them Pitne For," I snap at him, really done with all this nonsense. "It sounds like you're a swindler and your actions finally caught up with you." 

"True and true," he admits. "But I haven't survived as a merchant this long without being able to tell when there's a deal in the making. You want something." 

I take a breath to try and calm down. I do need something from him before I punch him in the face. "The Eclipse recently smuggled someone off-world. I need the name of the ship she left on." 

He shakes his head. "I don't know about people-smuggling operations. They must keep records in their base." Pitne For reveals a data pad. "I do have a passcard they issued me to bring my goods in. Well, I had to return that one, but I happened to make a copy." 

The little bastard has the nerve to hold the thing out of reach and wait like he plans to make us pay for it. I laugh in his face and step forward, more than ready to lay him out. "Don't bother, kid," Garrus says from beside me, showing me his Omni-Tool. "I already hacked it and took the code. And all his bank details." 

"I...you don't...what?" Pitne For squeaks and gapes at me. "You realize that this is a suicide mission, right? Those mercs are dangerous." 

"Have we given you reason to believe that we are not dangerous?" Garrus asks slowly. He doesn't even move and Pitne For starts backing away from him. I laugh but my humor is significantly overwhelmed by my attraction to the rather dangerous Turian. I need him back in bed soon. 

"You can go," I tell Pitne, done with him and turning back to my squad. "I wanna check back in on the detective and Samara. I'd rather know if she killed the poor woman already." 

Jack and Garrus follow me into the station and over to Detective Anaya's desk. Samara is sitting on the low wall behind the desk, her feet up on the wall. She seems pretty relaxed. 

"Please don't start trouble about my prisoner," Anaya says without looking up from her terminal. "Trust me, I 'd release her right now if I could. It's a great honor to have a Justicar here, but I could do without the honor of having her kill me." 

"I'd like to avoid killing you, Detective," Samara replies. "Unfortunately, the moment my code dictates I must, I will. There is only the Code." 

Now Anaya looks up at us, deadpan. "She says this kind of thing like she's talking about what to eat for dinner." 

"You're not gonna lock her up?" I ask, surprised that someone who was taken into custody is very much not in custody. 

"Any attempt to put me in a passive restraint system will be regarded as a hostile action," Samara informs us calmly, "and I will be forced to attack." 

"Yeah, that," Anaya agrees. 

Jack snorts. "Note to self: Justicars would not be any fun to tie up in bed." 

I step just a little closer to Anaya and catch her gaze. "You gonna be okay while we handle this?" 

"Yeah, just..." She glances behind her and then back up at me. "Please hurry." 

"Alright, you heard them." I take a breath. "We have an Eclipse op to take out, a murder to solver, and a Justicar to recruit. Who's ready to have some fun?" 

We leave the office and head for an elevator designated by the data we got from Pitne For, using the passcode to get in. It takes us right down into the hideout - we can tell because the moment the doors open, a LOKI mech is facing us. Fortunately, it's no trouble to take out. Somewhat less fortunately, that's probably a sign of things to come for us. 

We head down the hall toward the only door, and it leads into a large room with stacks of crates and full paletes of barrels. When a couple LOKI mechs pop up across the room, shooting at them makes the crates explode in a cloud of red powder. 

"Ah, shit," Jack mutters. 

"Shepard, my scans confirm that the chemical compound in those crates and barrels will boost biotics," EDI tells me. "However, concentrated exposure will cause severe tissue damage. I recommend limited exposure." 

"And I'm with two biotics! Fuck me." From behind cover, Garrus turns to look at me and Jack, his gaze firm and intense. "You two need to be as careful as possible. Stay away from those crates. Please." 

If I thought he was just being a dick or trying to take control - not that Garrus has ever done that on a mission - I might have a snarky come back. I might even be stubborn and reckless...which I have totally done on a mission. Instead, what I see in Garrus' eye   
is pain and fear. He's terrified that something could happen to me or Jack around a chemical like this. 

"You can take point, Garrus," I tell him, giving a nod. "Jack, you heard it. Let's stay careful." 

"I'd love to die high, but not in this place," Jack informs us. At least it makes Garrus laugh and loosens a bit of the tension I can see he's carrying. 

With that settled, we move into the room and engage the Eclipse. The squad is full of Vanguards who have shields and armor as well as badass biotic powers, and those initiates who have a lot of armor and something to prove. It's a significant fight, especially with the Eclipse blowing up crates on purpose. 

It only takes a few minutes before I can feel the difference in my biotics. My hands are tingling whether I try to use the powers or not. Jack is loving it and bordering on damn dangerous levels of strength. "It's in the air," Garrus notes when I show him my fingers, already glowing. "You're both being exposed constantly." 

"Garrus." He ignores me to make another shot, and it clears out the squad in front of us so far. Before he can walk away, I catch his arm. "Hey, big guy. Please try to relax. We're doing as best we can to stay safe." 

"Yeah, I know that. But it's the two of you so...that's really not enough." Garrus growls and shakes his head. "I'm not mad at you. I just wanna kill all these fuckers and get out of here before either of you is at any real risk." 

I lean up on my toes and plant a firm kiss on his lips. "I love you. Let's kill some fuckers." 

Garrus laughs and shakes his head at me but I can tell it helps. Especially when he smacks my ass after I turn away from him. We laugh and head to end of the room as a squad, ready to go. I'm a little nervous about the powder in the air, too. I've never been high and certainly don't want to get that way on a mission. I really don't want to die either but I'm certain Garrus will pick me up and carry me out of here before the chemical has a chance to do that sort of damage. 

The door at the end of the room opens, and three Initiates come through the doors. We take them out pretty easily, and when they're all dead, we push through. 

Inside is a large room with weapons locker and desks, a door into a side room, and a staircase at the far end of the hall. I start toward the desk but Jack gives a low whistle and the motions toward the door with her head. I approach and can hear a low voice inside. "Good catch," I whisper to her, all of us pulling our arms back out. 

I lean close enough to hear and Jack follows suit; Garrus doesn't have to lean in but I know he can hear. "Oh, Goddess," someone says inside. "Oh, Goddess, don't let them see me. If they do see me, don't let them kill me. What am I doing here?" 

I lead them inside and find a mostly empty room. There are definitely no people immediately visible but I can hear heavy breathing. I signal for Garrus and Jack to back up toward the door with me, and keep watch carefully as we reach the door. Just as I thought she would, the hidden Asari exposes herself the moment she thinks we're gone. 

"Stand up slowly," I order, aiming my weapon at the Asari who is wearing that horrible yellow initiate uniform. 

"Let us see your hands," Garrus adds, in full cop mode. 

"Wait, stop!" she screeches, standing up with her hands over her head. "I didn't fire my weapon once! I pretended to because the other Eclipse sisters were watching, but I didn't really shoot!" 

I start to lower my gun, willing to give this a chance, but Jack snorts. "Whatever. She can pretend to keep breathing." 

"I'm not one of them!" she protests. "I'm new! I thought being Elnora the Mercenary would be cool...but I didn't know what they were really like. 

She reaches for the assault rifle on her back and all of us get our guns back out, my aim leveled at her face and Garrus over my shoulder to follow up. He'll shoot somewhere to make her die much slowly. Elnora stares at us for a moment before very slowly putting it down on the floor, making sure we're watching her disarm. 

"What do you do here that you don't like, Elnora?" She's going to need to have some information for me if I let her go completely. She did join a gang after all. 

"I thought we'd be flying around the galaxy shooting up bad guys and stuff, right?" she asks, throwing up her hands. "But no, they just sell red sand and illegal weapons tech. They even smuggled an Ardat-Yakshi off-world." 

I frown at that. Smuggling is what we're looking for but I have no idea what she's talking about. "What does Ardat-Yakshi mean?" 

"It's an ancient Asari word for something that...I thought was just a superstition until now. It means 'demon of the night winds.'" Elnora shudders. "I didn't think they were real, but the boss said that scary lady was one."  
None of that helped me at all, but I guess it really doesn't matter. "What ship did they use for the smuggling?"

She gapes at me. "Wow, I have no idea! It was a few days ago and like I said, I'm new. They didn't tell me anything." 

I sigh and motion toward the door with my gun. "Get out of here, Elnora. If you so much as jaywalk, I will find you. 

"Yes, sir!" she chirps, bouncing on her toes. "Okay, I'm going! Thank you!" she cries on the way out the door. 

I move toward the door as well but Garrus is walking in the other direction, further into the room, and I watch him approach a console. "Think there's something useful on that?"

"I don't know," he answers with a one-shouldered shrug. "Can't hurt to look. And if we can take credits from the Eclipse, I'm not above it." He flashes me the grin that makes it impossible for me to mad at him. "Oh, hey they have research data on biotic enhancements - without drugs. We could give it to Mordin for research." 

"Mordin has a lot on his plate right now, but it's worth showing him," I note, headed back for the door at his side. 

"Wait, what does Mordin have on his plate?" Garrus asks. 

That perfectly innocent question sends my stomach crashing right into my shoes. I'd completely forgotten that the projects I set Mordin on were secret - from Cerberus but especially from Garrus. And now my foot is in my mouth. 

"Shepard?" Garrus presses when I fail to answer him. 

"Oh, just...he has some, uh, projects for Cerberus. You know how they are." 

"Wow!" Jack laughs. "You are a horrible liar, Shepard." 

I scoff at her, my face heating while we climb the stairs in the hall. "First of all, being a bad liar is a good quality and I'm proud of it. Second, shut up!" 

"So you really are hiding something?" Garrus asks. Fortunately for me, he's laughing while he says it so I know he's not actually mad at me. I do know that he's curious though and will be pushing me for more later, and that's bad news. 

Jack is laughing when she passes through the door at the top of the stairs, and we're a few steps behind her. She has her gun out and shield up, but she's not ready for a crate maybe a foot in front of her to explode. Jack becomes totally encompassed in the cloud of toxic smoke, so thick I can barely see her. 

"Jack!" I start to run toward her but Garrus shoves me aside - probably the smart thing to do - and then runs up the remaining stairs. He comes back out of the cloud a second later with Jack in his arms, the biotic choking and glowing. 

"They're coming," he tells me. "We need to fight through." 

"She's not going to be any help," I note, Jack slumping around Garrus and mumbling even while the glow gets stronger. "Is she hurting you?"

"It's fine." I note that it's a non answer but I'm not about to fight him on it. 

"I'm fine!" Jack snaps, shaking her head. And Jack does pull it together at first, tossing out a few extremely deadly hits. But within a couple moments she's chuckling at herself, and then she stumbles behind a crate. Garrus is on her in a second, providing cover. 

"Jack, talk to me," I call, trading shots with one of the Eclipse. 

She groans, trying to get to her knees and collapsing. "Fuck. It hurts." 

"Shepard, she's sick," Garrus tells me. "She's already sweating." I can hear the fear in his voice and I share it. This is about the worst timing possible since apparently the Eclipse have figured out that we're here and are putting forth a concerted effort. 

"We're gonna have to work together to move her, keep her safe." Jack grumbles something in response to that I'm sure is extremely vulgar but for now I can ignore it. We clear the room and Garrus picks Jack up like she weighs barely a quarter of what he does, which is accurate of course. "If you want to run her back, I can - " 

"Absolutely not," Garrus snaps. "I am not leaving you. And we can do this. Okay?" 

I nod, pretty sure he's right but not loving that we're responsible for someone who is effectively unconscious. The bonus for us is that Garrus and I work damn well together. I'd almost forgotten how well, really. Even when we push further through the hideout and end up facing a rocket launcher, we manage to keep Jack and ourselves safe while taking the Eclipse soldiers out. 

"Not bad, Vakarian," I offer him, trying my best not to pant like a fool between shots. 

"You're not doing so bad yourself, kid," he replies with a smirk while adjusting Jack between his legs to keep her propped up against cover. "Just please keep being careful around those canisters. I cannot carry both of you out of here." 

I laugh and shake my head at him. "You got it, big guy." 

We continue to push our way through, taking turns carrying Jack and saying closer together than we normally would on a battlefield to minimize exposure. I'm starting to believe we'll make it out of here when we end up facing a gunship.

"Hey, do I need to ask you not to catch rockets with your face?" I tease him, trying to release some of my own tension. 

"Someday that joke will get old." He glances at me and asks, "It will, right?"

Instead of answering I just laugh at him and whip out my shotgun, Garrus switching to incendiary rounds. The gunship takes off before we can take it down and we both know that's an issue, but we don't have the option to deal with it right now. Instead Garrus gets Jack back in his arms, much gentler with her than he might be with anyone who wasn't like a little sister to him, and we most into a small office. 

There isn't much of value but I pop open a data file on a console, and a sound clip starts playing. "Well, it's official. Little baby Elnora is finally a full-fledged Eclipse merc!" The words are an instant kick in the gut. "I earned my uniform last night when I killed that ridiculous Volus. Up close, exploding rounds. Blew the little bastard's suit wide open! I can't wait to see some real action! Next time I go home, my friends are going to be so jealous." 

"Shit." I instantly start kicking myself and avoid Garrus' gaze. The last thing I want is to deal with hearing 'I told you so.'" Especially when I deserve it. 

"Shepard - " 

"Yeah, I know," I cut in. "I'm too soft, I always try to see the good in people." 

"That's one of my favorite things about you," he informs me. Garrus's hand lands on my shoulder. "I would have made the same call. And when have I ever disrespected you by rubbing something like this in your face?"

I smile up at him, my face warm. "You're right. Thank you." I motion to console and say, "At least I can give this to the detective and get Elnora on their radar. Let's keep going." 

"I have a feeling this is only gonna get worse," Garrus notes, shifting Jack a little to keep his rifle in his hand while we head toward the door on the other side of the office. He's probably right. I miss the Normandy. 

"Garrus never...disrespects you," Jack slurs, not lifting her head. "Never knew a guy...could talk about tits...respectfully." 

"Did she just say you talk about my tits?" 

Garrus balks and his jaw pops open comically. "I...Jack is very high. Don't listen to anything that she says." 

"This guy," Jack announces, suddenly getting extremely loud and slapping Garrus on the chest without lifting her head from it; she almost smacks her own face. "He loves you soooooo much. So much. Gooey, smooshy, wumpy love." 

"Oh, I love very high Jack," I laugh. "Although I do not know what 'wumpy' means." 

"It's not a word, and she's a liar. I am never gooey or smooshy." 

I just laugh at him, taking a moment to catch my breath and control myself before we move through the door. Fortunately, I have a hallway to let me calm down and give Garrus some time to scowl at me and Jack. We both sober quickly when we enter a long, hard battle against a gunship and another Eclipse squad. 

Jack is getting worse. Instead of slurring, she starts moaning in pain and slipping in and out of consciousness. It lights a fire under our ass; we need to get the hell out of here and get her back onto the ship for care. When we finally get the gunship down, we hurry across a bridge to the door on the other side. 

I hold Jack as best I can, trying to keep her head supported, while Garrus hacks through the door. We then trade, exchanging Jack pretty smoothly considering she's nothing but dead weight at the moment. We're lucky she's so tiny. 

"There's a shipping manifest here," Garrus notes, handing me a data pad. 

I scan it. "What a dick. Pitne For sold 2000 units of Minagen X3 to the Eclipse along with 600 units of red sand." 

"It's not what Samara needs, but it proves he's a criminal." Garrus shrugs as much as he can without disturbing Jack and notes, "Of course it's also probably valuable information for the volus." 

"Hmm. Let's worry about that after we find the ship name." 

We find a hallway that's empty except for a Volus at the end of the hall, staring at a vending machine and not moving. He's also not armed, so we approach. The guy turns around, wobbling on his feet until he almost falls, and then he pulls up a biotic glow that surrounds his entire little body. 

"I am a biotic god," he cries, arms up. "I think things...and they happen. Fear me, lesser creatures, for I am biotics made flesh." 

"Oh, I'm taping this," Garrus informs me, tapping the side of his visor. I scowl at him but he flashes that grin again. "It's not for me. I'm far too mature for that. It's...for Jack. A gift for when she's better." 

"You're a terrible liar too, you know?" I tease. He laughs, and I turn back to the Volus. "You need help," I tell him. 

"You need help!" he snaps back, pointing a finger at me. "You stand before the mightiest biotic ever. Yes, the Asari injecting so many drugs into me was terrifying. But then I began to smell my greatness." 

"Nevermind, I'm glad you're recording this." 

"They may laugh when I fall over, but they don't know what I know in my head," the volus continues. "That I am amazingly powerful!" He walks right up to the seven-foot, heavily armed, well-muscled Turian and shouts, "Fear me!" 

Garrus grins even wider. "I love him. Can we take him home?"

I force myself not to smile at that and focus on the very high Volus instead. We need to get him out of here before he gets hurt. "Are you part of Pitne For's trading group?"

"When I was mortal, I worked for Pitne," he answers. "Poor soul is probably terrified that I have not returned." 

"I don't think he's reported anything," Garrus notes. 

I scoff. "Yeah, I get the impression that guy cares more for money than friends." 

"Bah! I will wreak a just revenge upon his people!" he says, waving that off. "But first...the leader of these mercenaries is in the next room." He turns toward the door and starts shouting again. "I shall toss Wasea about like a rag doll!" 

"It's less funny now," Garrus admits. "We can't let him go in there, Shepard. This guy is no challenge to anyone." 

"I will tear her apart!" he screams. "My biotics are unstoppable!" 

"Wasea will tear you apart," I tell him. "Stand down, take a nap. You'll feel better." 

"Are you mad?" he demands, getting in my face now. "I'm unstoppable. Feasting on her biotic-rich blood..." 

The Volus continues ranting, but I quit listening. It's time to be done with this. All it takes it a poke to the forehead, and the stoned Volus topples right onto his back and then rolls on the floor with a loud groan.

I look up at Garrus. "Was that too mean?"

"You just saved his life, kid."

True enough. We watch the Volus struggle to get back to his feet. He stumbles again but seems a little more controlled now. More controlled but much, much more confused. That has to be better than suicidal. 

"But...great wind! Biotic god!" He shakes his head. "I'm...I...what was I saying? I'm...tired." The Volus puts a hand on his head and starts walking away. "You...may be right. I'll nap. Destroy the universe...later." 

"That was weird." 

I laugh and note, "This entire day has been weird. Let's not come back to Illium anytime soon, okay?"

"Baby, I have no problem with that," he laughs. I smile at him but have to turn to face the door that Wasea and the remaining Eclipse sisters are behind. We have to finish our mission to get off this station - and to take a Justicar with us. 

"Should we leave her out here or...something?" I suggest, motioning to Jack. She gives a pained groan like she can hear me. "I don't want to risk her in there when she can't defend herself." 

"Yeah, I know." Garrus looks around and shakes his head. "There's no reason Eclipse backup couldn't come in and wipe us out from behind, though. She'll be an easy target. Or a...snoring bird, whatever humans say." 

"Snoring bird?" It clicks, and I bark out a laugh, delighted by him. "You mean sleeping duck! God, you're the cutest. Now let's keep our drugged friend safe and kill a whole bunch of biotic criminals!" 

"We have a great life." I laugh and shrug, but Garrus steps a little closer and catches my hand. "Seriously. We've got this. We're a damn good team." 

"Fuck yeah we are." We high five, I pound my fist on his chest, and he smacks my ass. Now we're ready. 

We walk into the space side by side, Garrus quickly hiding Jack behind the first cover we spot. We're going to have to stay close, but she'll be safe there. At the far head of the room is an Asari, drinking from what looks like a cup of liquor and reading a data pad while she paces in front of a desk. It's easy to assume this is Wasea. 

"Everything's gone to hell since we smuggled that filthy creature off world," Wasea tells us. Or maybe she's just talking out loud. Assholes love to monologue. "First, a Justicar shows up, now you." She throws the datapad down on the desk. "At least I can take comfort in turning your head into a pulpy mess." 

She uses her biotics to launch a canister of toxic sand at us, and we dive in separate directions to let it hit against the closed door behind us harmlessly. We both land behind cover, Jack tucked under me, and we get into battle with Wasea and the remaining Eclipse. 

A few more canisters get thrown around, and of course, they aren't throwing any of them at Garrus since Turians can't be biotic. I know that he's grateful I'm being more careful than usual, but it's driving me kind of crazy. I feel hindered more than anything. But it's good for Jack, and considered her state, it's probably for the best. And I guess it's not so bad to take some stress off Garrus since he already has one person he cares about down. 

I owe Garrus a little too since he's exceptional on a battlefield. The guy is flawless with a rifle, and it's a huge relief to know that he requires no orders. All I have to focus on are my own moves. Together, it doesn't take as long as it should to take out every one of them. It's always fun being at his side in battle, but I kind of love when it's just the two of us. This has to give power couple a whole new meeting. 

"Grab Jack," I tell him, forcing myself to stay focused on finishing this mission. Honestly, I care less about the mission and more about getting Jack back to the ship and to Chakwas than anything else. "There has to be a record of that ship here somewhere." 

I go to Wasea's desk and start by hacking into a terminal. The only thing there are credits, which I take with no guilt. I'm certain the Eclipse acquired them illegally; now they belong to Garrus as a bonus for being such a great shot and an even better lay. 

"I saw that," Garrus laughs, holding Jack behind me. "Shouldn't you keep some of those?"

"I mean, we end up spending each other's credits more often than not. The last thing either of us bought was that fancy new shower head." 

"I love that fucking thing," he practically moans. "But what I'm hearing is that you put those credits in my account so that you could use them." 

I laugh and shrug, scrolling through a data pad that looks pretty useless at a glance. "Maybe we should get a joint account so that I can use your credits without needing your chit." 

I don't realize what I just said until Garrus is silent behind me for an inordinately long period of time. And then my stomach plummets right into my boots. Shit. Did I really just ask Garrus to open a joint credit account with me?

"Can we pretend I didn't say that?" 

"No," Garrus answers quickly and firmly. "But we can wait until later to talk about it." 

I refuse to look at him, my face heating up. What an idiot. Things are going so well between us, and then I had to put my foot in my mouth. Garrus is always at least a little cautious about us. I broke the guy’s heart, it's too soon for moves like that. The face that he lives with me is a damn miracle, but it's only a ship; he could always move back out. It's a lot harder to disentangle things like a joint account. 

I find another data pad and get distracted when it has what we need. "I found the ship name. Let's get out of here." 

On the way out, I call for the Normandy to send a shuttle to the spaceport hub. I also ask them to make sure one of the medical assistants comes as well as someone that Jack will recognize - someone that she won't try to kill, like Jacob or Miranda. We meet the shuttle out there, and Garrus helps load Jack on while I quickly report what happened to her. 

It's not easy to watch her going back to the ship without us, even if we'll be back soon. She got hurt on my watch, and I should be with her. And she's a friend - a really good one. Garrus has relied on her more than he thinks I realize, and she needs him. 

I turn to Garrus and put my hand on his chest. "Let's get this over with and get back to her. You okay?"

"Yeah," he answers, pulling his gaze away from the fading shuttle and back down to me. "Does it..." He trails off and shakes his head. 

"No, tell me."

Garrus looks around, making sure we're mostly alone. "I watched her get hurt, and it was like watching my team..." This time when he stops, I don't force Garrus to keep going. 

"Does it ever stop hurting like that?" I guess. 

He looks down at me and nods, mandibles pulled tight to his face. 

I take a breath and genuinely consider it. I've lost a lot more people than I ever want to count, and losing my whole team at once is a rare hell that Garrus can relate to. I know exactly the pain he's talking about. 

"It stops sneaking up on you so often," I tell him honestly. "It won't always feel like you can't breathe with every minor injury on the team. You'll eventually even feel less guilty when you're happy or having good moments." 

Garrus blinks at me, his eyes going wide. "I...I didn't know you could tell." 

"I know the signs. And I know how much that hurts." I almost hesitate because I don't want to push him, but I say, "It does help to talk about them, about the people you're missing. So if you ever want to...I'd love that." 

"I...I could try. Thank you." He leans down and bumps my forehead with his before ducking down lower and nipping my throat. I catch his mouth briefly before he can pull away. "Let's get this done for now."

"Agreed." 

I lead him back to the police station, but a familiar face catches my attention. Pitne For is standing right outside the door of the station, and we stop when he waves us over. "Thank you for removing the Eclipse threat, Earth-clan," he says. "It will take them months to rebuild their organization. Also..." 

Pitne For clears his throat and steps a little closer. I know what he's going to say and I wait for it, schooling my expressions. 

"Merely out of curiosity," he begins slowly, "did you perhaps run across a shipping manifest that belongs to me?"

I cock my head at him, and Garrus steps closer, putting his hand on my lower back. "What's it worth to you? We both know this manifest will get you sent away for a long time." I don't say a word; I trust Garrus to do the right thing. 

"Absolutely," Pitne For agrees. "For the manifest, I'll give you all the creds I made selling the Minagen." 

"Tempting. But I think we'll hold onto it for now." I can't help my smile; I knew Garrus wouldn't disappoint me. "You never know when something like this might come in handy." 

"If it might change your mind, returning the manifest would be very profitable for you," he presses. "If you give it to the detective, her reward will be a pat on the back." 

We dismiss him easily and head inside. "He's right about one thing, though. We did make a dent in Eclipse ops," Garrus notes. "It's frustrating how easy that is in parts of the galaxy that are not Omega." 

"Says the guy who got three warring gangs to team up," I note. "Say what you want but you really screwed with them. But I know it's easier to convince yourself that the team didn't have value. It's easier not to have them if they weren't helpful." 

Garrus just looks down at me but we don't have time to talk about it right now as we approach Anaya and Samara. I don't know how he's going to feel about what I said, I don't even know how I feel about it. Once again, our lives take a back seat to a mission. At least temporarily. 

Anaya looks up hopefully when we approach. "If you have something to say that will convince the Justicar to leave, please show her." 

"I've got the name of the ship," I tell Samara, handing over the datapad I found. "Your fugitive left here two days ago on the AML Demeter." 

"Shepard, you impress me. You fulfilled your part of the bargain, and I will fulfill mine." She hops down from the wall and turns to Anaya. "I am ready to leave immediately if that will satisfy your superiors, Detective?"

Anaya stands. "You're free to go, Justicar. It has been an honor having you in my station. And it's nice you didn't kill me, too." 

"The Eclipse smuggled an Ardat-Yakshi off-world," I note. "Is that who you're after?" 

Samara nods. "You continue to impress. Yes, I was here tracking the Ardat-Yakshi. She is a dangerous criminal, and I will bring her to justice. After your mission is complete, of course." 

I appreciate that she can be honest with me, but we still have a few things to get through before Samara officially joins the team. "You're sworn to follow a code that dictates your decisions. But I'm running a military operation." 

"You wonder if I will refuse to follow orders because of my code?" She smiles, and I find myself relieved she isn't insulted by the question. "By agreeing to follow you, I am compelled to swear the most difficult of Justicar oaths - the Third Oath of Subsumation. After I do, your orders will override the Code. You should know, however, that I'll still give you my opinion if the situation warrants." 

I'm prepared for Garrus to comment even before he laughs. "Shepard is used to a lot of comments like that." 

"At least yours will be welcome," I add to Samara, turning to give the Turian a playful glare. Garrus smirks, and the look promises punishment. I turn back to Samara and hold out my hand. "Welcome to the team." 

Samara accepts my handshake. "I must be sworn to your service, so that I am never forced to choose between your orders and the Code." She releases my palm and her eyes shift, glowing, and then she kneels in front of me.

I instinctively take a step away so that it doesn't look like she's bowing down to me. I cannot stand even the idea of that. 

Samara bows her head low, and while Anaya comes closer for a good look, I want to run away. Garrus can apparently sense that and puts a hand on my shoulder so I can't escape. 

"By the code, I will serve you, Commander Shepard," Samara says softly. "Your choices are my choices, your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code." A biotic glow overcomes Samara's entire body, and then fades as she stands. 

"Wow," Anaya breathes. "I never thought I'd see a Justicar swear an oath like that." 

"Yeah, no pressure." Garrus chuckles and slaps my shoulder. 

Samara nods. "If you make me do anything extremely dishonorable, I may need to kill you when I am released from my oath." 

"Fair enough. You'll be a great asset, and I'm excited to have you along," I tell her honestly. Something about Samara is intensely intriguing, and I can't wait to learn about her. She'll keep us all on the straight and narrow, too. 

"I am glad to hear it. I will fight by your side, kill your enemies, and protect your friends." She glances over my shoulder and adds, "I will protect your mate as well. That will be a repayment for the favor you did me today." 

"My...wow. Alright." 

"I'm not gonna complain," Garrus chimes in. 

Samara motions toward the door and asks, "Shall we return to your ship?"

"Just a moment. We need to speak with the detective." 

Anaya nods and motions us over to the desk where she sits back down. "Thank you for getting Samara out of my district. I can tell my granddaughters about meeting a Justicar. And you've just upped my chances of living long enough to have grandkids." 

I pull out the other data pad I collected today and hold it out to her. "I have proof Eclipse killed the Volus merchant." 

"Let's see what you got there." She takes the data pad from me and gives it a quick scan, her brows popping up. "This is interesting, but I can't verify it. It would be inadmissible." 

"I vouch for Shepard and any evidence she brings forward," Samara announces. 

"I accept the judgment of the Justicar," Anaya responds, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. I'm grateful though, and I nod to Samara.

Garrus laughs softly. "It'd be nice if everyone could give you that sort of trust, Shepard. Or even just the Alliance." He has an excellent point. 

"Thanks, Shepard," Anaya says. "I wasn't sure about trusting a stranger - and a human, at that. But you came through. It's a shame Elnora escaped, but I'll get her. And at least you put her on the run." 

"I've got one more thing for you, too. Proof that Pitne For smuggled in red sand and illegal weapons tech." Garrus steps forward and hands over the shipping manifest. 

Anaya's face lights up. "This is a big help, Shepard. I can't do much to thank you, but we do have a small discretionary bounty fund. Take this." She transfers something to my Omni-Tools, but I'm not rude enough to check it right here. Anything is appreciated when she certainly didn't have to. Another thing that makes her better to me than the Alliance right now. 

We leave the police station and head right for a shuttle back to the Normandy. It only takes a minute to get to the ship, and Jacob meets us at the airlock when we arrive. "I'm going to stop by the Med Bay with Garrus quickly," I tell Samara, "and then I'll meet you to settle in." 

"Of course," Samara replies. "I hope it will be alright that I visit the Med Bay later. I would like to thank the person who was injured for my mission." 

"I think Jack will really appreciate that," I assure her. Of course, Jack will be snarky and probably get herself killed by the Justicar but she should appreciate it. Maybe she'll surprise us. 

Garrus takes my hand on the way to Med Bay, where Jack is passed out on a bed and hooked up to an IV with an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. "How's she doing?" I ask, stepping toward Dr. Chakwas so Garrus can go to the side of the bed. 

"She's stoned out of her mind and considerably poisoned," Chakwas answers. "Fortunately, Mordin has some experience with this sort of thing and was able to help me come up with a treatment. Jack needs rest, but she'll be fine." 

"Good. You're the best, Doc." Garrus has a hand rested on Jack's, and I know that he's scanning her with his visor. He trusts Chakwas but needs to see it for himself. And he's the sweetest man. "The big guy is gonna hang out here for now. I'll be back shortly." 

Chakwas smiles knowingly at Garrus and nods at me. He turns to look back at me, his eyes asking an unnecessary question. I press a quick kiss to his cheek before leaving the room and can see that it relaxes him. 

Jacob and Samara are in the Comm Room when I walk in, Samara signing a data pad that I know contains her contract for the ship. She could ignore everything on there for her code so I'm sure it doesn't bother her to sign it; it will get her paid, though. 

"Welcome to the Normandy, Samara," Jacob offers her genuinely. He keeps trying; it's really sweet. "We've studied your profile extensively. With your skills, I think you'll be an excellent addition to our team."

"Thank you," Samara replies. "From an organization such as yours, that is high praise indeed." It surprises me, and I can see the same when Jacob glances at me; I think he's trying to figure out if it's a trick, and I can't promise it's not. 

Choosing to take it at face value, I hold my hand out to Samara. "We still don't know what we're gonna find when we hit the Collectors." 

"I will be prepared for whatever we encounter," she promises, accepting the handshake. I don't doubt that after having seen her kill a woman with her foot. 

"Where shall we put you?" Jacob asks. "There's room in the crew quarters, but we do have space around the ship." I smirk at that. He's figured out that aliens - and people like Jack - choose to find their own places to sleep. 

"A room that looks out on the great empty void would be the most comforting," Samara suggests. 

"Observation room on deck three?" I suggest Jacob nods and motions for Samara to follow him. She heads out of the room, and Jacob - who just cannot seem to control himself - salutes me and then follows her out of the room. 

It's getting late, so I stop by Mess Hall to ask Rupert for our meals, and then skip upstairs to our quarters to grab a few supplies. Chakwas is in Mess Hall when I return and tells me that we're good to hang out in Med Bay for a while. 

Garrus is sitting in a chair at Jack's bedside when I walk in. He looks up and smiles immediately. "Hey, lover. I come bearing gifts." 

"Ah, thank you." He takes one of the trays and pulls over a table that gets used for medical tools sometimes. I grab a chair and put the table between us. 

"I also brought you that nonsense book you wanted to start." I hand over the datapad I grabbed from upstairs. "The title page opened up in the elevator and it may as well have been written in Turian." 

"Turian?" He laughs and rolls his eyes at me. "Do they speak human on Earth?"

"They speak nonsense, and you speak math," I quip, making him laugh again. "How's Jack doing?"

He nods while biting a sandwich almost in half at once. I hide my smile at his appetite in my own bite and wait for him to finish and swallow. "She seems OK. She's stable, but she's gonna be in pain for awhile when she wakes up." 

"Jack likes pain." He laughs with me but his gaze stays trained on Jack for another moment, like he's scared to look away in case anything happens to her somehow. "I love how cute you are with her." 

"Shut up. How about that Justicar?" 

"Poor segue, but fine. That whole vow thing really freaked me out," I confess. "People saluting me is bad enough but bowing? Yikes." 

"I really thought you were going to run away," he chuckles, already finished his sandwich. "You have never looked so uncomfortable." 

"I'm not sure I ever felt so uncomfortable. At least the vows weren't as bad but still...my morals are hers and all that? Talk about pressure." 

Garrus shrugs a little. "It kind of sounded like the vows Turians make when we bond." 

"Hmm. Makes sense for a meritocracy, I guess." He nods a little, and I try to recall that whole conversation back on the first Normandy. "Bonding is the...extra marriage thing that Turians do, right? And your parents are bonded?"

"Ah...yeah." Garrus clears his throat, something he only does when he's really uncomfortable. There are stages - runs his hand over his fringe, clears his throat, shifts around or paces. I don't know what got us to stage two so quickly. "Marriage for Turians is just like for any other species; it's a contract, an agreement. Bonding is a biological imperative. We...can't choose it or avoid it." He glances at me and then quickly away, like that's important. "And it's, uh...permanent. Turians bonds for life." 

And then he shifts in his chair. That's bad. Or...is it? I can't figure out what the problem would be. He hasn't said anything offensive or anything I could imagine starting a fight, but now he can't even look at me. 

When it clicks, my heart stops. It feels impossible, though. Can Turians even bond with someone who is not Turian? Even crazier, could Garrus have bonded with me? What could I possibly have done to earn that? Garrus says it's biological, though. Maybe he's this anxious because he knows he can't bond with me and thinks I'll want it. But the thought that maybe he's bonded with me, that Garrus is truly and completely dedicated to me forever, has me jumping for joy on the inside. I have to let the poor guy off the hook, though. He's nervous as hell at the moment. 

"Well. This bonding thing sounds really special," I note, doing my best to look a lot more casual than I feel. "Anyone would be lucky to get that kind of devotion." 

He looks at me, eyes wide and mandibles fluttering softly. "It doesn't...freak you out? I mean, I know humans have more than one way out of their marriage commitments." 

"Yeah," I laugh, "that's true. But like you said, marriages are contracts. And they're special, of course, but...it's not the same as falling in love. Even if a marriage ends, the love doesn't have to. Bonding...you get both the love and the commitment forever." I force a shrug. "Sounds pretty amazing to me."

Garrus just makes a soft noise before looking away from me again. My mouth is dry and my heart is pounding, but I can't just come out and ask him. There has to be a reason he's not telling me whatever made him so uncomfortable that he hit stage three. It doesn't necessarily matter, though. We're going to be together no matter what, bonded or not. 

I push our table aside and climb into his lab, handing him the data pad. "Read your nonsense." I make it an order, using my own datapad and headphones to pull up the next episode in a fantasy series I've been watching. Garrus hates it; he swears it's basically soft porn. He's right. I settle in and rest my head in the spot on his shoulder where it feels most comfortable. "You know I wanna marry you, right?" 

He tenses for a moment before wrapping an arm around me, settling further into his seat and propping his legs up on my empty chair. "I'm holding you to that, kid." I feel him press his mouth to my head before his data pad turns on. 

My smile feels stuck to my face, and not just because the love of my life, my soulmate, may very well be bonded to me. I love how normal all this feels. I wish Jack wasn't hurt, of course. But snuggled up with Garrus while he reads and I watch a show, both of us watching over someone who means a lot to us, our universe-shaking mission in the background for the moment. 

This is good. We're good. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.


	26. Pain & Gifts

Jack gets healthy with an attitude, and quickly. It's a joy, really, to see her back on her feet and telling everyone off for even daring to worry about her. She almost punched Garrus in the face when she found out he carried her through most of the mission to get the Justicar. She also then sent both of us illegal vids that she knew we'd like, no message or discussion about it. Enough said. 

It doesn't throw us off for long, and we decide to take Grunt to collect the assassin the next night. After what we heard about Thane Krios' target, Nassana Dantius, we're expecting weird things if not a fight. The extra muscle will be nice, and the Krogan baby could use a workout. Before the mission, though, we're having a family dinner. 

I have my usual seat beside Garrus and he has an arm around me the moment we finish eating. Kelly has kept watch on his plate and seems thrilled that his appetite is back. I appreciate that he has so many people to look after him. And when her gaze shifts to appreciate Garrus and not just his plate, I have an opportunity to stake a claim - which I never mind. 

Garrus doesn't either, leaning into my touch when my fingers graze his fringe. His eyes flash when I tug a little harder than I should in public. "You looking to delay the mission?" he asks, dropping his head to speak into my ear. "I have a rifle that could use some calibrating." 

"Oh, my God. Did those cheesy gun puns work before me?" I tease him. 

"Rarely," he laughs, "and that's why you're the perfect woman for me." Garrus nips my neck lightly. "Let's just get the assassin tomorrow. Or never." 

"Someone missed me last night, hmm?" I nuzzle my face against his. It's how Turian's show their affection and it makes him smell like me - at least to species who can smell people that well. The little purr Garrus lets out gets my heart thumping. 

"I loved last night. But I miss you whenever I'm not inside you, Elle." 

A massive thump on the table sends everything on top of it jumping - along with me, Kelly, and Gabby. "Can we go kill things now?" Grunt demands, his hand still in a fist on the tabletop. "The Turian is too soft when he's around you, Shepard." 

"I am very rarely soft when I'm around Shepard," Garrus counters, immediately ducking before I can even react or consider smacking him for it. He's damn lucky everyone laughing is so contagious. And that he's adorable. When I narrow my eyes at him, Garrus throws both arms around me and kisses me full on the mouth, my arms pinned to my side. "Let's go kill things now." 

"Sexiest thing I've ever heard." He laughs and releases me so that we can stand. But the moment we're on our feet and I'm thinking about where we're going, a rock settles in my gut. I don't know how to broach the subject of Liara. 

"Did Liara T'Soni have any additional information about the assassin for you?" Miranda asks, staring down at a datapad and totally oblivious. I guess she’s going to broach the subject for me. "Or at least who to ask?" 

Garrus tenses immediately, and he steps away from me, though I don't know why. I don't think it's a slight, especially when I remember Garrus apologizing and asking if he and I were going to be okay. I know that his hurt is real, though. And when he hurts, I share that pain with him. 

Hadley whistles softly. "I looked that Asari up. She is damn fine."

"Bet Garrus knows a few ways to get information from her," Joker quips, grinning up at him. 

"Fuck you," Garrus snaps, his voice hard and cold. 

I wince even though I saw it coming the moment Joker opened his mouth. The Turian is storming toward the airlock before anyone can do a thing about it, and the Mess Hall is suddenly pin drop quiet. 

Jack smacks Joker on his arm, almost hard enough to break him. "Asshole." 

"Jack, stop," I interject while Joker looks between us wide-eyed and lost. He looks like someone just kicked his dog, and considering his best friend just snarled at him in public for what must seem like nothing to Joker, it's reasonable. "Joker...it's not you. We'll talk later." 

"I didn't mean to piss him off, Shep," he offers. 

"I know, and so does he. Let me deal with him first." I smirk, well aware of how to get that broken look off the pilot's face. Nothing feels right if Joker isn't smiling. "You can bet I know a few ways to get information from him." 

It works and he grins at up at me, so I wink and then head in the direction Garrus went. Grunt follows, his footsteps heavy enough to make the bridge bounce under us. Garrus is already off the ship, so Grunt and I wait for the airlock. 

"Vakarian isn't usually like other Turians," Grunt notes. 

"What are other Turians usually like?"

He motions back toward the Mess Hall and replies, "Like he was back there. Joker calls it a stick up their butts." 

"Ha! Joker is right, and so are you. But we all have bad days and sore spots, right?"

Grunt makes a noise that I think is thoughtful but might just be a normal Krogan growl. I have to admit I don't know many Krogan well. Although I definitely know the two Krogan that I do know a helluva lot better than other humans know any Krogan. And that's to say nothing of how well I know my Turian. 

We step off the ship and onto the docking bay. The concierge from earlier is here again; I can't remember her name. She probably doesn't care though. Her eyes are all for Garrus. 

He has a polite smile on his face but he's angled away from her and his posture is closed off. Garrus doesn't want to insult an Illium professional, but he is not interested in this woman. 

I can't help but wonder why. She's attractive, her uniform is very attractive, and she's into him. Maybe it's because he knew I was coming, maybe it's because any Asari feels too familiar right now. Still, it's kind of hot to watch her want my man this badly. 

"You pissed at me?" Garrus asks without looking, knowing when I'm approaching because of super senses or instincts. 

"No. Pissed at yourself?"

That gets him to turn toward me, the concierge who was cut off mid-sentence looking back and forth between us. She hasn't caught on yet. Which gives me another opening to make it clear just what's between us. 

"A little," Garrus admits, shrugging one shoulder. I can see the shame on his face, and wanting to comfort him overshadows anything else. 

I step closer and rest a hand on his throat. "You can work it out with Joker when we get back home. And then you can work out your frustrations with me. OK?" That does the trick, and the spark returns to Garrus' impossibly blue eyes. 

"Yes, ma'am," he drawls. I tilt my head a little and he flashes a grin before ducking his head and nipping my throat lightly. 

And then I turn to the concierge and offer her an over-the-top smile. "Can I help you?"

"Oh, I...um...no." She scurries off, face a sapphire shade of blue. 

"Nicely done, Shepard," Grunt gruffs, patting my shoulder hard enough to make me stumble as he walks past us. "Let’s go. I wanna see this place." 

I start after him but Garrus catches my hand. "You did that in front of her on purpose. You being territorial is very hot, Shepard." He kisses me soundly, enough that he makes me stumble too. And then he's tugging me with him onto the station, all the frustration and pain from earlier gone. He's ready, and so am I. 

We head right for the transportation hub and an Asari who is sitting behind a desk. I can see her name plate, but I ask instead. "Seryna?"

"Who wants to know?" she asks without looking up. 

"Name's Shepard," I answer. "Liara T'Soni said you might have information on Thane Krios." 

That gets Seryna's attention. Still not looking at me, she stands and turns to the other desk and the Asari sitting there. "Tana, cover for me." Without waiting for a response, she leads us away from the office space and to a balcony that overlooks the city where we have some privacy. "Yeah, I know who Thane Krios is, but I didn't hire him. What do you want to know?"

I appreciate that she has no desire to beat around the bush or play games, making it clear she knows what Thane does. I'll do her the same courtesy. "Can you help me find him?"

She laughs. "I can tell you, but you won't stop him. When he contacted me, I checked up on him. The man never gives up a job." Seryna takes a breath and looks around a little. "I ran security for Nassana Dantius. Then I found out she was having people killed to cover up her dirty secrets. She fired me when I confronted her. Her loss. I might have been good enough to stop Thane from taking her down." 

"Nassana Dantius." I shake my head, playing the name in my head. "Why does that name sound familiar?" 

"You met her on the Citadel," Garrus answers. "She got us to kill her sister, told us that she was a slaver." 

I snap my fingers, all of it clicking. "Right! She's a lying, deceitful bitch." 

"Yeah, that's her," Seryna agrees. "I thought it was just a rumor she had her sister killed, though. At least it means you know what she's capable of. She has even more power here in Nos Astra. She uses it to keep her friends in check and her enemies dead." 

"Good to know. If you worked there, you must have an idea what Thane's opposition will be like." 

"Nassana hired Eclipse mercs." 

Garrus scoffs. "No surprise there. Good target practice," he adds to Grunt. 

"High-tech killers but very well equipped," Seryna tells us. "They don't much care who they kill as long as they're paid for it. Thane has quite a reception waiting for him. I told him all I knew, and he didn't seem worried." She smiles, definitely almost impressed. 

"Any idea where I might find Thane?"

"The Dantius Towers, penthouse level of Tower One." She turns toward the skyscape behind her and points toward one of the tallest buildings. She looks around, checking for privacy. "There's a second tower, still under construction. If Thane is smart, he'll go in from there." 

"It doesn't sound like Nassana's just going to let us in," Garrus notes. 

Seryna shakes her head and leads us back away from the edge. "She's as smart as she is paranoid. No one's getting in or out of there without a fight. I can get you in, but you'll only get one shot. You'd better be ready." 

I almost laugh in her face, and I can practically feel Garrus' skepticism from here. "You're just offering your help? No strings attached?"

"You're going to look for Thane. Nassana's mercenaries will try to stop you." She shrugs. "At the least you'll distract her guards. Take a little fire, give Thane a clear shot. I didn't hire him to kill Nassana, but I won't shed any tears when she gets what's coming to her." 

Garrus makes a soft, thoughtful noise and then he steps up beside me. "What else do you know about Thane?"

I can tell by the sound of his voice that Garrus thinks something else - something that goes behind hiring - is going on between Seryna and Thane. I can see where he gets that idea; the woman is sending us in to draw fire for the guy, after all. She seems pretty serious, though. It makes me wonder what this Thane is really like. 

"Not much," Seryna answers, not catching on to Garrus' meaning. "He did say that he's not doing the hit for money. Nobody hired him." 

"Hang on. He's killing her without a contract or a payment?" I shake my head, not liking what I'm hearing. "That makes this murder, not assassination." 

"And we have a Justicar onboard who makes it her life mission to take down people who commit crimes like murder," Garrus chimes in, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Grunt...well, he grunts. "Yeah, and we have Archangel. I can smell that Turian need to kill from here." 

Garrus just glances back at Grunt and says nothing, but I happen to know the Krogan isn't entirely wrong. No one has a bigger, stronger sense of justice than Garrus. And murderers fall directly on the wrong side of that. 

"Look, I asked who he was helping, and Thane said that he's doing the job on his own. That he had to restore the balance of his life." She quotes that last part and makes a face. "I don't know, maybe he's crazy. But someone needs to stop Nassana." 

"Alright. When should we go then?" Garrus glances at me now but I know he won't argue. He knows as well as I do that we need to at least look into what's going on. And maybe we need a part in taking down Nassana considering all we've learned about her. 

I like to think that Garrus also knows I won't hurt or betray him. We're not bringing anyone onto the ship that Archangel - or Samara - would be compelled to kill, and not just because I don't want to clean the blood off my ship. 

Seryna checks her Omni-Tool and nods. "We can now; the shift workers should be clearing out of Tower Two." She motions for us to follow her, and leads us back out to the spaceport and to a skycar. It's a flashy red thing and I know the moment I see it that a certain Turian is going to be very interested. 

"Very nice," he practically purrs at the machine, using the same tone I get to hear when I get naked for him. 

"Perks of having a job on Illium," Seryna replies, beaming back over her shoulder at him. They talk specifics on the car while we climb in that I don't care to hear. I know I'll never buy one because my Krogan doesn't fit in the back seat, so I climb back there with Garrus. 

"You gotta admit, it's a sexy vehicle," Garrus says, shaking his head at me. 

"I can think of sexier things to ride," I reply, keeping my voice low enough that it's only for him. Garrus' eyes flash to mine immediately but I don't look at him, keeping my eyes on the front of the car instead. "I do think you would be sexy driving it. Do you know what road head is, Vakarian?"

Now I look at him, and Garrus shakes his head, his attention sharp and clear. 

I lean in close, pressing my mouth against his ear and speaking as slowly as I can. "I'll put a pillow over that center console and suck you off long and slow while you control this...sexy vehicle." 

"Fuck, Shepard," he growls, his hand landing on my thigh. I wish the armor wasn't keeping me from feeling the heat or strength of his hand. "We need to get this job done quickly. I'm already hard for you." 

"Oh, my poor baby has to deal with that hard-on inside his armor?" I run a finger down his chest, even though he can't feel my touch either. "That thick, long, very hard hard-on?" 

He shifts a little and closes his eyes, pain and arousal sweeping over his features in equal measure. Being able to read him this well is a real joy. 

"You know, I have a new present I wanted to give you soon," he breathes, hand tightening enough to make his glove squeak against the metal on my thigh. "I think you'll get it tonight." 

"Can't wait." I flash him a grin and then pull away, leaning toward the front of the car again. "Do you know much about our location?"

"A tease and a slut. Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you tonight, kid," Garrus growls from behind me, still speaking softly. This time I react viscerally, my core tightening fantastically. 

I can barely hear Seryna, even though Garrus is the one whispering. 

"The towers are heavily guarded, and you'll find more resistance closer to the penthouse," she explains. "So, this assassin...you planning to stop him?" 

I note that she's stopped calling him 'Thane' and moved to 'the assassin.' She probably hopes it makes us forget how familiar she seems with him already. She is not helping her own cause. 

"I'm here to make sure he survives," I tell her. She makes a 'hmm' sound but says nothing else. 

Seryna is clearly comfortable and familiar on these skyways, navigating traffic smoothly and confidently. It makes the ride quick, and I might have to admit to Garrus that I like this ride a lot more than the shuttle, Mako, or even the Hammerhead. Although the backseat of the tank is a preferable size. 

"There they are," Seryna says, pointing through the windshield. "Dantius Towers. You'll have to get up the second tower and cross the bridge to the penthouse. Her mercs will fight you every step, but it's your best chance." 

"Why don't we save time and drive up?" Garrus asks. 

"She's got mercs with rockets just waiting for someone to try. We'd get maybe halfway up before they shot us down." She shakes her head. "Besides, your assassin won't go in that way. Best to go in low." 

Seryna brings us around to land, lowering the car at the main entrance on ground level. The towers loom over us, connected by a massive, obnoxiously bright sign that reads, 'Dantius Towers.' These things are a penis enhancement if ever I saw one. 

We climb out, and Seryna leans over the passenger seat. "Don't linger here. They'll be out to greet you soon enough. Good luck, Shepard." 

I give her a nod and pull the door to the car over, and Seryna takes off. It occurs to me that if we don't get Nassana, Seryna's life is in danger now, too. Lucky for her, no one on this squad likes leaving jobs unfinished. 

"You fought mechs before? Eclipse love to use them." Garrus asks Grunt, both of them checking their gear. "Blow their heads off, and they explode. Less effective if they're near us. Blowing limbs off does not slow them down." 

"So it's like fighting Turians?" Grunt teases. Garrus laughs and playfully shoulders him before turning and catching my eyes on him. When he flushes, I know that he can tell exactly what I'm thinking. 

I can tell the guy I want to blow him in a closed space with two people just a couple feet away, and he proudly discusses his erection. I give him a look that says how proud I am of him, how he impresses me, and he blushes. God, I love him. 

His eyes flash behind me, into the building, and I watch his face harden. I turn to look and find Salarians dashing across the lobby, looking behind them as they run. We watch LOKI and Fenris mechs appear, firing on the two Salarians. Both go down. 

And then one of the Fenris mechs spots us, turning in our direction with the others following him. I toss a biotic blast that goes through the glass and right into the two Fenris mechs, killing both on impact. I never would have been able to do that two years ago. I wonder how much more I can do with some training. 

We make quick work of the remaining mechs and find ourselves in the empty lobby. Most of the building is unfinished, lots of crates and materials laying around. I lead the team in the direction all of the Salarians and mechs came from, finding a fairly uninteresting alcove. There's a console that Garrus hacks, but the only thing he tells me he finds on there is credits. 

"Do we take those?" Grunt asks. 

"Depends," I answer him honestly. "But we don't leave them with the mercs and criminals. I trust Garrus to make the call." 

Garrus looks over at me, pausing for a moment, and then nodding. "I'll ask Seryna to find a way for us to get the credits to the workers Nassana has been tormenting." He motions toward the dead Salarians in the lobby. 

"Or we could buy more ammo," Grunt counters. 

I laugh. "We let Cerberus pay for the ammo, Grunt, spend your credits on more fun things than that." 

"We live on a ship. What's fun?"

This time Garrus laughs and pats Grunt on the shoulder. "I still have so much to teach you, little buddy." 

We head back through the lobby and cross to the other side, following in the direction where the Salarians were running before they were gunned down. I'm expecting elevators, but I find a door with a badly wounded Salarian on the floor in front of them. 

"Help," he wheezes. "I can't feel my legs...my chest is killing me." 

I cross the room to him and Garrus follows, each of us taking the Salarian under one arm gently and propping him up against the wall. He's bleeding from a gunshot in his stomach; it won't kill him quickly but it must hurt like a bitch. 

"Who did this to you?" I ask. "And why?"

"We're just night workers! Nassana...sent them after us." His voice is raspy and weak, and I can hear a bubbling inside his chest when he exhales. "They just started shooting!" 

"They just attacked you?" Garrus asks, disbelief and anger coloring his voice. 

"Yes," he wheezes. "We were...too slow. It was horrible. Everyone...screaming. The mercs said there was no time; Nassana wanted us out of the way...immediately. Then..." He bends over, coughing and wheezing. Blood drips down his chin. "The dogs." 

"He needs medical attention," Garrus tells me, pulling up his Medi-Gel supply on his Omni-Tool. 

"If Nassana Dantius has as much protection as we've heard, we might need that entire supply," Grunt notes. He's not wrong, but Garrus scowls at him before looking to me for approval. 

"I can't breathe," the Salarian whispers. "Please...help me." 

"Of course. Do it." Garrus nods, clearly pleased with me, and he applies the Medi-Gel. I use my Omni-Tool to signal for emergency care from Illium. "That should ease the pain and keep you alive until help arrives." 

"Thank you. That helps...a lot." He shifts to try and get up, and I stand to give him the room. Garrus holds out a hand and helps the poor guy up. He takes a complete breath once he's on his feet, and checks under his hand to make sure his wound has stopped bleeding. "I think...I'm better. Find the other workers. Help them." 

"We will," Garrus promises. 

"We need to get up to the penthouse. Any suggestions?" I ask. 

He nods. "Take the service elevators to the upper floors. The bridge between the towers isn't finished, but if you're careful... Watch out for mercs. They're everywhere."

"Any idea how many mercs Nassana's got?"

"A lot," he answers. "Dozens of them were wandering around here all day. You'll find more the higher up you go." 

Garrus shakes his head. "Why would Nassana kill her own workers?"

"To her, we're expendable," the Salarian explains, shaking his head. "But...I didn't realize she was this ruthless. My coworkers...friends...slaughtered. They were jumping off ledges to escape the dogs."

A siren alerts us to the ambulance pulling up outside, and Garrus steps away to signal the medical techs to stay out and wait. 

"I'll do what I can," I promise him, backing up Garrus's vow. 

"Thank you." He nods to me and then heads for the door, limping but at least breathing on his own now. I'm fairly certain he'll make it, but I watch him get to the medical techs anyway. 

Once he’s gone, we get back on track. "Let's get moving." 

We go through the doors that lead into the hallway for the service elevator. The hall leads into a storage space where we manage to surprise a couple more mechs and the Eclipse troopers who are with them. There are good opportunities for cover at least, and they seem pretty surprised to see us with a Krogan. That look on our enemies faces might be my most favorite thing about having a Krogan on my ground squad. 

Once this set of mercs are wiped out, we follow the room around. It leads toward another squadron of mechs and mercs, this time including Vanguards who have strong biotics. It's a challenge for me to keep up with them; I continue relying on my weapons and wish I was better with my internal weapons. 

The hallway leads upward into the tower, and along the way we face more mechs and Eclipse soldiers in another room. We clear them all out, and open the door at the end. It leads to a ramp which continues to another door. Before I can step through that door, though, Garrus slaps his hand over my mouth and yanks me up against him. 

I consider protesting for a second before I finally hear the voices that Garrus and Grunt obviously heard before me. There are two men speaking above us, their voices passing through what will probably become a vent but is just a hole in the ceiling for now. I nod and Garrus lets me go, though I don't step away from him. 

"Hey, I think he went in here," one says. 

"Well, go get him," the other responds. 

"You go!" 

"Get your ass in there. Nassana's not paying you to stand around." 

"Fine. But I - " 

He cuts off and then odd, muffled noises echo down through the hold. There's a second of silence before a very dead Eclipse trooper - human - drops through the ceiling and smacks into the floor. A thump above us suggests that the other one is going down, too. 

"Our assassin is effective," Garrus notes, a little admiration in his voice. "And nearby." 

We pass through the room and into a wide open space before we get into another hallway. The whole room screams set-up; a bridge like this is a perfect ambush. It's why Archangel did the same thing on Omega, and I can see Garrus arriving at the same through. 

"We don't have a choice, do we?" I ask.

"No, Commander. But we do have shields." He smirks at me. "You use yours, and I'll use mine." 

"Hmm, I prefer yours, but I'll accept the deal this time. Let's go." 

We all pull up our shields and then press forward, getting hit exactly like we thought we would. They have the numbers but we have the firepower, and we get across in good time. 

On the other side, we face an even bigger force. I take a few hits and a biotic blow that gets my Omni-Tool chirping. "Shields down," I call, standard procedure for when one of us needs cover. Of course, the rest of us aren't fighting side by side with the man who is mildly obsessed with our safety. 

I brace myself for physical impact if Garrus drags me into more cover - usually directly under him - and at least for a verbal assault. Instead...I get standard procedure. Garrus shifts appropriately to provide more cover while I give my shields a moment to get back up, and he doesn't say a word. 

"Wow," I breathe once I'm able to start fighting for myself again safely. "I think that's the first time you have not overreacted." 

"Talking about it will make it worse," Garrus growls, his tension more than clear in his voice. So he definitely wanted to overreact. "I respect you, and I'm trying to make sure you know that." He nails an Eclipse in the face and then turns enough to look at me. "But you should know that I am in actual, physical pain when you're in danger." 

I almost laugh it off but then I watch him wince and turn away again. He meant it. And wasn't I just thinking earlier today about how his pain feels like mine? 

I wonder if the physical aspect happens because Garrus bonded with me. I wonder if he actually bonded with me. 

I take the final merc’s shields down, letting Garrus take the guy out. "Thank you for respecting me." 

"Thank you for being as careful as you can," he replies. 

"Thank you both for giving me a second taste of my dinner." Grunt gags dramatically and we both laugh, Garrus loosening up again. He gives me a nod, and I pound my fist twice on his armor as we continue through the building. 

In the next room, there's a door waiting for us, but I give the order to clear the space first. Part of me wants intel, but mostly I want to find the Salarian workers. We haven't seen them running, we haven't seen their bodies...what did Nassana do to them?

"Hey, hacker," Garrus calls. I turn to find him leaning on a locked door. "It has a couple layers. Can you handle it?" 

"I can handle anything," I reply, not half as confident in my hacking skills as I manage to sound. Garrus growls appreciatively but stays close; he is confident in my skills but also won't leave me hanging. "This is tougher than what you usually give me." 

"No, it's not. You're just more anxious because we're in the field." Garrus steps directly behind me, in the same place he stands while training me in the Main Battery. I can feel him there even if he's not touching me, his presence surrounding me and his size comforting. "Deep breath. You can do this." 

"Can I blame you if I can't?" I wince when I screw up and it boots me. I'll have one more shot, and that's it. We'll be locked out for good after that. "This isn’t working, you do it." 

"Stop." Garrus takes hold of my shoulders to stop me from turning around. "What if I wasn't here? Kid, you know how to do this, and you're good at it. Grunt has our backs in case more mechs show up. Take a breath and hack this bitch."

I close my eyes and follow his directions, taking a breath and putting myself back into the Main Battery. He's right, I'm only anxious because we're at work; I'm better at this when I'm calm. "It might actually help to have your hand up my shirt." 

"Oh, believe me, it would help me too, baby." 

He makes me laugh, and I'm grateful for the distraction. Once I relax, I can call forth his lessons, and then I'm through the system. The door unlocks with a pleasant beep. 

"That's my girl." Garrus swats me on the ass and even though I can't feel it on my skin, the contact makes me jump and the sentiment makes me thrilled. 

We have just enough time to pull out our weapons when the door opens, revealing several Salarians who look terrified. They're all in work uniforms and unarmed, so I quickly signal for Garrus and Grunt to lower their weapons as I do. 

"Please...don't kill us!" one of them begs. "We'll go, we'll go!" 

Another Salarian steps near the first, coming out of hiding. "Hey, look...they're not Eclipse. Does that mean you're here to help us?" 

"It's one reason I'm here," I answer, making sure they can all see my hands. "Come on out. It's safe enough." 

"Thank you," the first Salarian says, bowing a little. I'm already getting tired of people bowing to me and it's happened exactly twice. That's two times too many. "We are in your debt." 

"Then maybe you can help me. I'm looking for someone. Not a merc...he's on his own." 

The Salarian nods. "Yeah, whoever that was sealed us in here." 

"When he found us, I thought we were dead," the other chimes in. "But he just closed the door and locked us in." 

"An assassin helping potential witnesses?" Garrus muses. "I can't get a read on this guy." 

"Assassin?" one of the Salarians repeats, blinking rapidly. 

The other nods. "Here for Nassana, I bet. You treat people like this, it always comes back to bite you in the ass." 

"Nassana not exactly your favorite person?" I ask, agreeing with Garrus that our potential new teammate is very hard to understand. He behaves like a murderer and a vigilante and an assassin all at once. What will that make him for us?

The first Salarian wrings his hands. Terrified of her, still too much to say anything bad about her. "She's a...hard woman to work for." 

"That's an understatement," the other one scoffs. He's either not as terrified or much more bold. "She works us long hours. No overtime. And this is what you get in payment." 

"She's unpleasant, to say the least," he agrees. 

"Why not quit?" Grunt asks. 

"We would if we could, but we have contracts," the second tells us. "We're stuck until the job is done. Quitting for any reason can be hazardous to your health." 

The first glances at his friend. "We hear that anyone who leaves early...disappears. Probably just a rumor." 

"But who wants to find out for sure?"

They have an excellent point. "Did you see the guy who locked you in? Any idea where he might have gone?"

They both shake their heads. "He's no Salarian, I can tell you that. But I've no idea where he went. Sorry." 

"If he's after Nassana, he'll be heading to the upper levels." 

Garrus steps beside me and asks, "How many workers were in the tower? Are there many more of you?"

"Not alive. We were lucky," one of them tells us.

"But some got out before the dogs were sent in," the other responds. "Maybe a few are hiding somewhere." 

"We're heading up, and we'll keep an eye out for them," I promise. "What's the quickest way up?"

"The Cargo Elevator is the only way up right now." 

"They're still working up top. Watch your step; some of the walls aren't built in yet, and it's a long way down." 

"Cold, too. I hate working here." 

I lost track of which one is what, but it doesn't really matter at his point. "I wouldn't stay here too long," I tell them. "It should be safer down on the lower floors." 

"I was just thinking the same thing. Let's go everybody!" The two Salarians who were talking to us start herding all the others out, all of them just terrified workers. "Thank you. And tell your assassin to aim for her head. She doesn't have a heart." 

They all leave, and we clear the space one final time before going back to the elevator doors. I call it, and the console tells me that it has to come down from higher floors. "I get a feeling that elevator isn't coming down empty." 

My team understands the order without me having to give it, all of us taking cover. I move to the right of the doors and Grunt to the left. Garrus, of course, chooses the middle of the field and takes cover right in front of the doors though at least a few feet back. I have a clear view of him, and we have time until the elevator arrives, so I make a private call to his comms. 

Garrus gives me a look but answers the call. "Getting cocky enough to make booty calls in the field, Commander?"

"What can I say? I look at you in that armor and cock is the first thing that comes to mind." 

He turns to give me a wide eyed look and then grins. "You'll get all the cock you can handle later, baby. Don't take your armor off when we get back, and meet me in the Cargo Bay." 

"Is that an order?" I tease him. 

"Do you really have to ask?" 

"No, sir," I answer, heat surging into my cheeks and down into my core. 

A ding distracts me, and I'm forced to end the call as the elevator doors open. I fully expect Eclipse soldiers and mercs to come out, but the Krogan bounty hunter surprises even me. There's more for me to learn about Eclipse, that's for sure. 

We clear them out, only to have an explosive fly from inside the elevator. Garrus gets an angle on the merc inside, taking him out with a double tap right in the head. 

"Oh, I hope they have more Krogan up top," Grunt growls, practically bouncing out of cover. "I could use a real challenge." 

"Please, you only haven't been challenged because I take it easy on you," Garrus quips, changing out a heat sink and watching me even while talking to Grunt. I can tell from the way he's moving that he's hard all over again. Or still. And now I'm cocky. 

I saunter into the elevator ahead of him, walking the way I would if I were wearing much less than armor. I can feel Garrus' eyes trained on me, and I get to see the view when I turn around and lean on the back wall of the elevator. Those icy blues trail all the way down me slowly, Grunt going on about fighting and totally oblivious. Garrus, ever the powerhouse, manages something to continue the conversation when his mind is obviously on something else. I'd give every credit in my account to know exactly what's on his mind right now. Especially when his tongue sneaks out to touch the tip of his mandible.

"Behave," I whisper. Garrus responds by shaking his head slowly, his gaze sharp and dangerous. 

The elevator arrives at the top of the tower, and the doors open to reveal a human Eclipse soldier who is not facing us at the other end of the hall. He's on a call, and I signal for my team to pause so that we can listen.

"I haven't heard from Teams Four or Five." He pauses at the end of every sentence to listen to whoever is on the other end of the call - likely Nassana. "Don't worry, my team is always ready. I don't know where he is, not yet. Don't worry about it." 

We start down the hallway, moving quietly but not without noise. Especially considering there's a Krogan with us. Someone needs to teach these Eclipse mercs a little situational awareness. 

"I'll take care of it," he's saying to whoever is on the phone, staring out at the Illium vista through the floor-to-ceiling glass window. "It's under control. I'll go down there myself." 

"End the call and turn around very slowly," I tell him, keeping my voice low. We don't have our guns out yet, but neither does he. And we all have more than enough weapons between us without a gun. 

The merc glances back and groans, "Damn it," before turning around to face us. He keeps his hands visible at least. 

"Where's the assassin?" I ask, taking steps slowly toward him while he backs toward the window. 

"Why are you looking for him? You're not one of Nassana's mercs," he snaps, doing his best to sound brave while his voice quivers. "Who are you?"

I take another step and he backs right up against the glass. "I'll ask you one more time. Where is the assassin?" 

"I've got nothing more to say to you," he almost shouts. "If you shoot me, my team's right through there. They'll be all over you." 

"I don't need to shoot you." It takes barely a twitch of my finger to get Garrus into action. In the blink of an eye, he grabs the merc by the throat, lifts him several feet off the ground, and slams him back into the window. "Is a little information really worth dying for? Is Nassana?"

"No," he gasps. He's grabbing at Garrus' wrists and kicking his legs, gasping even though I know Garrus isn't choking him. "I'll tell you. Just get him off me." I signal again, as much as I ever need to, and Garrus releases the guy without even looking back at me. 

Grunt laughs. "Fancy tricks you two have." 

"And that's not even his most powerful weapon," I tease, winking at the Krogan who gags dramatically. I look back to the merc who is still cowering under Garrus. 

"Look, last I heard, the assassin was down on the mezzanine," he spills. "But the teams on the bridge think they might have spotted him. Nobody knows for sure." 

"Get out of here," I respond, motioning behind me. 

"I'm going!" He straightens up and starts walking away, but not before giving Garrus a look and then mumbling something. I only catch the word 'bird' but when Garrus whirls around, I know it was racist. 

Grunt throws one punch and sends the guy to the ground in an unconscious heap. "Asshole," he growls. 

I grin up at Garrus. "Wow. I guess Krogan bodyguards have their use too, huh, big guy?" Garrus laughs but pats Grunt gratefully on the shoulder. I choose not to ask what the merc said in the first place. 

We head for the doors to the next room and find a datapad on the floor by the door. "Oh, wait. I think this is what that Salarian in the transportation hub was looking for," Garrus says, picking it up from the floor and giving it a quick scan. 

"Keep it. We'll give it back to him as soon as we get back." Garrus nods just as the doors open. We step through and find an open storage area, the Eclipse soldiers in here too wrapped up in their conversations to hear us, too. These people are entirely useless.

"He's all over the place!" one of the mercs exclaims, panting frantically. 

"What do you mean?" a woman answers him over the comms, almost definitely Nassana. 

"I've got reports of him on multiple levels," the merc answers. "We think he's traveling through the ducts." 

I send a biotic blast through the room, wiping out a couple of the mercs right away. "Damn kid, nice job," Garrus breathes, heading for cover while throwing out a few shots. Grunt follows suit, and I can't help preening a little while moving for cover of my own.   
"I think you were right, and I'm gonna ask Jack to train me," I tell him between shots. "Now that Samara is on board, I have someone calm around too. And I think she has a lot to teach me." 

"Good. Proud of you." Garrus punctuates the sentence by blowing a merc's head off. 

We push through the room, using explosive crates to our advantage to even the odds when we're way outnumbered. It doesn't take nearly as much as it should to get through. Nassana might be paranoid and overly cautious, but she hired total shit. 

I find another locked room and hack through, finding another group of terrified Salarian workers. Only this time, one of them is armed and holding a gun at us. Well, sort of at us. With how hard his hands are shaking, there's no way he could hit any of us. 

"Get back!" he screams. "I'll shoot!" 

"Hey, easy." I put my hands up, certain that my team will do the same. I hear Garrus tell Grunt it's okay and understand the Krogan needs a little reassurance to disarm but that he trusts Garrus enough. "We're not going to hurt you." 

"I said get back! I'll do it!" He whimpers and closes his eyes. Someone should tell him that's a terrible way to shoot. "Please...don't make me do it. 

I step a little closer slowly, keeping my hands up. "I'm not the bad guy here. What's your name?"

"I...I'm Telon," he stammers. "Don't...come any closer." 

"Telon, I'm Commander Shepard. I don't work with Nassana mercs, and I don't want to hurt you," I assure him. "I'm here to help." 

"I...all right. Here." He holds out the gun, and the moment it's in my hand, he exhales with relief like he couldn't wait to be done with it. I extend the pistol behind me and feel Garrus take it, then hear the heat sink drop. The Salarian watches it fall to the floor and gasps before swooning and collapsing. 

Another Salarian rushes over crying, "Telon!" He stops suddenly and looks up at us, blanching. "He's my brother. I just want to see if he's alright." I nod, and he drops to his brother's side. "I'm Chesith. Are you the ones who...shot the merc?"He motions behind us and I turn to find a dead Eclipse merc near the door. 

"That wasn't me. Your brother didn't do it?"

"No," he answers, shaking his head. "Telon was standing here with me." 

"What exactly happened?" Garrus asks, not quite skeptical but definitely still lost about what might be going on around here. I'm with him. 

"The merc found us and shouted at us to move," Chesith begins. "We panicked, he shouted more, and I thought he was going to kill us but then...his head just exploded! Telon picked up the merc's gun, but we were too afraid to leave. And then you showed up." 

"We're looking for someone," I tell him, Telon starting to stir. "Probably the guy who killed this merc." 

Chesith nods. "Telon thought he saw someone following us, but he's been a bit...on edge. I haven't seen anyone but the mercs." 

"How safe is that bridge out there?" I ask, motioning behind us. This part of the tower is barely put together, and I don't love it. 

"The bridge is stable, but the wind's your real problem. If it doesn't throw you off, the mercs will definitely try. There's a lot of them out there." 

"And the bridge is the only way to the penthouse in the other tower?" Garrus confirms, clearly unhappy about the idea as well. And here I thought he had a thing for bridges. I choose to keep that joke to myself. 

Chesith nods. "Yeah, and it won't be easy. Mercs are patrolling the other side. Whatever Nassana is hiding from must be pretty scary." 

"Okay. Thanks. There are still mercs up here, so you should get to the lower levels." 

"You don't need to convince me!" We give Chesith a moment to rouse his brother and pull him to his feet. 

"Can we go home now?" Telon asks, holding his head. 

"Yeah, we're getting out of here." He signals another Salarian from the crew to get under Telon's arm and help him start walking out. Chesith pauses long enough to thank us sincerely before leaving with the others. 

We head back out of the alcove and can hear Nassana screaming over a comm terminal. She sounds panicked. "Where is everyone? Will somebody please give me a report! Answer me, damn it." We head in the direction of the terminal as she snaps, "Somebody get down there and find out what's going on." 

I open up communications on the comm but leave the visual off. I want Nassana to be surprised. 

"It's about time!" she chirps. "What's going on down there?"

"I'm afraid your men aren't able to respond, Nassana," I answer. 

"Damn it!" She cuts off the comms, and Grunt chuckles. 

We head up the ramp that should lead to the bridge. I often wonder if people of other species have the same reactions that humans - or at least that I - do when walking into battle. I can't say that I don't enjoy the heart racing, the way my stomach tightens, that feeling when everything inside me gets primed for action. Actually, it's very similar to the way I feel when Garrus is getting me naked. 

The moment we reach the bridge at the top of the ramp, that action I was anticipating explodes when we're greeted by Eclipse Vanguards and LOKI mechs. The Vanguards have stronger barriers than I can take down with my biotics, and I know that wouldn't be the case for the other biotics on our squad. I'm going to get better, though. And then Garrus will worry less. Win win. 

We press across the bridge, facing several commandos who have not just barriers and shields but heavy weapons. Nassana starts using an intercom to shout to her mercs, and we can hear her as we reach the bridge. 

"I don't care what you do, no one gets across that bridge!" 

The Salarian who warned us about the wind was not exaggerating. The gusts are as hard to fight as the Eclipse, even with two of them shooting rockets at us from the far end of the bridge. "I can't make shots!" Grunt growls, releasing several shotgun blasts in quick succession. I recognize and relate to the frustration. 

"Yeah, I'm having just as much trouble," I admit. The wind isn't even consistent for me to be able to adjust the shots. It's nearly impossible. 

And just as I think that, I watch one Eclipse get their head nearly blown off, and another go down a second later. Garrus flashes a grin when he catches me watching with my mouth open. Bastard isn't having trouble. 

That grin wipes right off his face and is replaced by something horrible when a gust of wind kicks across the bridge and knocks my feet out from under me. I grab onto my cover but can feel the wind threatening to lift and take me away as if I were a piece of paper instead of a solid soldier in metal armor. 

"Fuck, Shepard," Garrus growls, cutting across the bridge in a dash and yanking me against him. His body buffers the wind; I can feel it pressing against him, but it would have to be a lot stronger to move his three-hundred pounds in armor. The two-ton Krogan, of course, can walk a straight line. 

"It does not pay to be human and small sometimes," I joke. One look at Garrus tells me he is anything but amused. 

"You will hold onto my belt, Shepard, and Spirits help me if you let go before we cross this bridge, I will sit on you." I open my mouth to say something sarcastic but Garrus snarls and I shut up quickly. "Physical pain, Shepard. I need you to try and remember that more often." 

"I will," I promise, and I mean it. 

He nods and starts moving, and I obey him by keeping a tight grip on his belt and firing my assault rifle with the other. I can make at least some of the rapid bullets work to my advantage in the wind. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a lot more stable in the wind with Garrus as an anchor. He was right. 

"What the hell am I paying you for?" Nassana screams as we finally get across the most exposed part of the bridge. Only then do I release Garrus and he nods to me, gratitude bright in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry," I offer, pushing at his side to take out a final Eclipse commando before we head through the doors that lead off the bridge. 

"I know. I'm working on it, too." 

I leave it at that for now, and we head into an office space. Nassana is inside with several Eclipse mercs, all of them pointing guns at us. She's facing a window behind a desk but turns to look back at us. I get more than a little satisfaction when she startles at the sight of me. 

"Shepard? But you're dead!" 

"I got better." 

She takes a deep breath. "And now you're here to kill me." 

"You really are paranoid, aren't you?" Garrus teases, an expert at poking as much as he is an expert at shooting. 

"Don't patronize me." She waves that off and turns away again. "I'm sure you find all this very ironic. First you take care of my sister, and now you're here for me. Well, you made it this far. Now what?" 

I don't hide my laughter. "Do you really think I'm here to kill you?"

"Do you have another reason for destroying my tower?" she demands. "Decimating my security?"

"I'm just looking for someone." 

That gets her to whirl around and glare at me. It's not nearly as leveling as she thinks. She starts to walk toward the desk again while she asks, "You expect me to believe that? Is it credits? Is that what you want? Just tell me your price, and we can make this go away." 

She doesn't finish speaking before Garrus starts signaling me, his hand low and barely moving but I know what he wants to say. He's heard the assassin. Blue eyes flash up quickly, telling me that the assassin in the vents above us.

I make a fist. We aren't in danger from the assassin. Not yet. 

"All the credits in the world won't make this problem go away, Nassana," I tell her. 

She slams her fist on the desk. Again, not as intimidating as she thinks or hopes. "Who the hell gave you the right to play god? I may not be perfect, but look at you. We both kill people for money. What's the difference?"

Now Garrus growls, ready to shoot. And not because he thinks Nassana is a danger. 

"You kill people because you think they're beneath you," I tell her, still smiling because I can't help it. "I kill people when they leave me no choice." I motion to Garrus and add, "He kills people who threaten me or talk to me like that." 

If Asari can pale, she certainly does. 

"You've got a choice," she informs me. A noise from above draws the attention of all her commandos. I'm certain the assassin did that on purpose, but Nassana doesn't seem to notice. She's too wrapped up in me. "You don't have to do this. I can tell you..." 

Her guards hear more and start frantically pointing their guns at the ceiling, spilling in circles like they can't pinpoint the noise. I know Garrus and Grunt know exactly where he is, but neither of them take their guns off Nassana. 

"What?!" Nassans snaps at one of her guards. 

"I heard something!" he responds. 

"Damn it. Check the other entrances." Behind Nassana, a drell drops from the ceiling; he doesn't make even a slight sound when he hits the floor from fifteen feet up. "When I'm finished dealing with this nuisance," she growls at me while Thane Krios breaks the neck of one of the guards, "you and I are going to - " 

She's cut off when Thane takes out the second guard with a fist to the throat, and then turns in one smooth movement and puts a bullet in the third's forehead. The only sounds are the soft pop of the silencer and three bodies hitting the floor. 

Nassana whirls around and pulls out her gun, but it doesn't phase the assassin. Thane smoothly disarms her, presses his gun to her gut, and fires. He then catches her and slowly lays her back on the desk while Nassana gasps for her last breaths. She only lasts seconds. 

I catch Garrus's eye and he gives me a nod, the closest I'll get to Garrus admitting he's impressed. Grunt looks like he might try to eat Thane.

We watch silently as Thane lays Nassana's arms over her body, crossed against her chest. I'm willing to wait, but then he folds his hand and bows his head. When he's silent for another several moments, I lose patience. 

"I was wondering when you'd show up." 

He doesn't say anything, and for another several beats, there is nothing from him. No words, no movement. I look at Garrus but he just shrugs. I take the opportunity to look him over. I've never seen a drell before; their skin looks similar to a Salarian, except green, and I wonder if they feel cool like Salarians, too. He's green, his eyes dark and big and liquid, and he's dressed in all black. It's impossible to miss that he's attractive. Sexy, even. Thane is well built, muscle tone showing through his form-fitting clothes, and power like that does something for me. But his calm right now contrasts with that power, and I find it fascinating. 

I really wish he would speak, though. 

"I was hoping to talk to you." 

Finally, he replies, "I apologize. But prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken." 

Oh, the voice is even sexier than the man, deep and gravelly. I've only ever heard one voice sexier than that. Maybe knowing the voice I have access to is sexier lets me focus. That and the fact that what he just said was extremely odd. 

"Do you really think she deserves it?" I ask.

"Not for her. For me." 

I find my surprise mirrored on Garrus's face when he turns to look at me, frowning deeply. This assassin is ever stranger than we thought. 

Thane straightens and starts to walk around the desk toward us. "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction...chaos. I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me." He stops directly in front of me, certainly close enough to touch. Tempting to touch, too. "Well...here I am." 

Thane's gaze sweeps over me, hot and slow and obvious. So obvious that I wonder if it's a challenge. It's not me who responds to the challenge, though, and his gaze shifts quickly to Garrus when a growl rips from the Turian's throat. 

The problem is that I'm not sure whether that growl is for Thane or for me. But I have to focus on the job at the moment. Getting distracted by the unbelievably sexy noise my boyfriend is making will not help. 

"How did you know I was coming at all?" I ask. 

Thane starts pacing between us all, examining Grunt briefly before taking much longer on Garrus. The Turian is quite a bit taller and certainly wider, and I watch Garrus's shoulders shift when Thane tilts his head back to make eye contact. Thane exposes his throat to Garrus, and I'm as sure I can tell Garrus is that the Drell knows exactly what that means. 

Shit. Thane is sexy on his own, and Garrus turns me on just by existing. But this, Thane submitting to Garrus? Yikes. I'm in trouble. 

Thane moves away from Garrus and positions himself right in the middle of the triangle that Garrus, Grunt, and I create. He folds his hands behind his back, still intensely calm. "I didn't. Not until you marched in the front door and started shooting. Nassana had become paranoid. You saw the strength of her guard force. She believed one of her sisters would kill her. You were a valuable distraction."

And now I kind of hate him. 

"You used me. So you could kill her." 

He doesn't seem surprised that it pisses me off. "I need a diversion. You needed to speak with me. You certainly fulfilled your end of the bargain." He turns to face me again. "What would you like to discuss?"

I take a breath. I might not love how he ended up getting me here, but he finished his job and took out someone who needed to go. And he proved that he could be damn valuable. 

"I'm Commander Shepard, working with Cerberus at the moment. Someone has been abducting entire human colonies," I inform him. "We're going to stop them. We already know the culprits - a race called the Collectors." 

"I've heard of them. Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 Relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so." 

I shrug. "They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos, too." 

"A fair point. You've built a career on performing the impossible." He turns away, walks to the window behind Nassana's desk, and bows his head. "This was to be my last job. I'm dying. Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does." 

"You're dying? That's..." I shake my head. "I didn't know." 

"If you're interested, we can discuss it on your ship. The problem isn't contagious, and it won't affect my work." I can tell he's had to say that a lot. 

I nod even though he's not looking at me. "Is there anything I can do?"

He turns around and approaches again. "Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die." He stops in front of me, not as close as last time. "Many innocents died today. I wasn't fast enough, and they suffered. I must atone for that." He extends a hand and I shake it; almost exactly like a Salarian, but warmer. "I will work for you, Shepard. No charge." 

I choose not to comment on that. It's not my money and certainly not my place to comment on what a dying man chooses to do. I let Thane know where to find the ship and ask him to gather his things before meeting us there. I then take my squad back to the ship. 

"I have to do rounds," I tell Garrus as we leave the airlock. "Cargo Bay in...thirty?"

"Since you've been teasing me all day, make it twenty," he responds. He then swoops in to nip my throat before heading off. 

Generally I hate leaving my armor on any longer than I have to, but I remember what Garrus said so I avoid the Armory where I would otherwise drop my suit to be cleaned. It takes ten minutes though before I get a message that Thane arrived and another from Garrus. That one includes a voice message as well but text tells me to open it alone, so I duck into the Main Battery on the way to the Comm Room. 

"Change of plans, my love. Ditch the armor and come upstairs. I have something fun for you." 

Oh, yeah. Definitely still the sexiest voice out there.

I know I should go to the Comm Room first, but I can't help myself; I really was teasing Garrus all day. I get to the Armory and dump my armor in record time before rushing back up to the Comm Room. Fortunately, Jacob is already here with Thane so I feel less guilty for abandoning the guy. 

"I've heard impressive stories, Krios," Thane is saying when I walk into the room. "Sounds like you'll be an asset to the team. That is, if you're comfortable having an assassin watch your back." 

Jacob's tone and stance surprises me. He's only just not openly hostile. I've seen him be respectful to aliens but the assassin, apparently, is a sore spot. 

"I've accepted a contract. My arm is Shepard's," Thane responds. I have a feeling he never gets worked up. 

"Uh-huh. I don't know about you," Jacob snarks, crossing his arms over his chest, "but I'm loyal to more than my next paycheck." 

"Obviously, he is too; he's doing this mission gratis," I inform Jacob. "What's your concern?" 

Jacob shrugs. "I don't like mercenaries. As assassin is just a precise mercenary." 

Thane looks at him, no expression. "An assassin is a weapon. A weapon doesn't choose to kill. The one who wields it does. Where should I put my things? I'd prefer someplace dry, if anything is available." 

EDI pops up on the table. "The area near the life support plant on the crew deck tends to be slightly more arid than the rest of the ship." 

"Ah. An AI? My thanks." Thane bows to me, then to EDI, and finally to Jacob before turning and leaving the room. An enigma for sure. 

I spin on Jacob immediately. "We need all the help we can get, Jacob, but I'm surprised at you. I thought you liked Garrus, and you've been fine with Zaeed." 

"Okay, I tolerate Zaeed," he counters, narrowing his eyes at me. "And I'll tolerate this one, too. Garrus is different. You know that." 

"Thane is different too, I think. Give him a shot. Don't alienate him; you look like you belong with Cerberus when you do that."

Jacob has the grace to laugh, though he doesn't look surprised. He promises to behave and it's enough for now, so I let him go. Besides, Garrus has something for me and everything else just fell way down the priority list. 

I head for the elevator, greeted by Kelly Chambers on the way. I'm much less annoyed at stopping for her these days. Maybe I should give Jacob a break; I make snap judgements about people, too. The flush on Kelly's face makes me almost eager to stop this time. 

"I read through Thane's psych profile," she tells me, "and he just walked through here." Oh, that definitely explains the flush. "He carries himself with such cold confidence. I'm not sure if I find him scary or sexy." 

"A lot of women like bad boys, Kelly," I note, smirking at her. 

She gives me a knowing grin right back. "A lot of women. Like you?"

"I live a dangerous life," I remind her on my way to the elevator, shrugging. "Dangerous men fit right in." 

Kelly laughs from behind me. "I like you more and more each day, Shepard." 

And I love my bad boy. 

*****

Shepard gets back to her quarters exactly twenty minutes after we parted. That's my girl. 

She walks into the room with a smirk and the sway to her hips that drives me wild. She pulls her hair down as soon as she's through the door and kicks her boots off right there. Now I need the distraction of her hips to stop myself from crossing the room and cleaning up the shoes. Soldiers should be neat; she drives me crazy in more ways than one. 

"Our new assassin is already causing a stir," she tells me, doing that sexy thing she does that loosens her curls and sends the smell of her hair everywhere. I inhale deeping, soaking in the soap and citrus. "Jacob wants to airlock him, Kelly wants to...well, something much dirtier, but I don't know what her flavor is." 

"I have a feeling it's a lot kinkier than we want to know," I quip. 

"Ugh, I'll take your word for it. You know I have a rule about not sleeping with my crew." 

I can't help but laugh, my head falling back against the couch. "Is that so? Wanna break some rules with me, baby?"

Shepard stops on the other side of the coffee table and looks me over. I honestly hadn't expected her for another ten minutes so I was lounging, checking my email. She walked in on me that way, on my side along the couch with one of my bare feet up on the cushion. Normally I pull myself together a little when she walks into a room but maybe I shouldn't. The heat in her eyes says a lot. 

"Is this my present?" she asks, motioning to all of me. Her tongue slips out along her bottom lip and my cock nearly slips from behind my plates. 

"No. Come and sit with me." 

A young, joyful smile splits her face and she practically skips across the room. I catch her around the waist and tug her onto my lap while sitting up. She looks mildly disappointed since she wanted to climb on top of me, but we need to talk first. "I like your lap but I was hoping for something more fun to sit on." 

"Damn, you're in a mood." I kiss her quickly. "I plan to take advantage of that. But you need to know about this gift so that you can decide whether you want it." 

Shepard frowns at me a little, but she doesn't pull away or get nervous. She's getting more comfortable with trusting me and with her own sexuality. I love a woman who loves sex and isn't afraid of that part of herself. Shepard just needed the confidence to get there, and now she's sexier than ever. 

"I have a hard time imagining there's anything you could offer me that I wouldn't want." 

"I appreciate your faith in me, but keep in mind that you're always allowed to say no. Come here." I pat the couch beside me and Shepard frowns again but she doesn't resist, staying close and hooking her leg over mine. I hold her around the shoulders but wait to pull up my Omni-Tool. "Do you remember the night a couple months ago now when you climbed on top of me in that chair?" 

I motion toward the chair at her secondary desk, the one by the bed, and the flush on her cheeks answers my question. When she continues to stare at the chair, I know she's replaying the night. 

"You asked me to jerk off for you, remember?" I run my fingers down her arm, letting my talons drag. "And it got you so worked up that you got yourself off. Spirits, you looked incredible rocking against me." Shepard's breath catches and she shudders.

"Is that my gift?" She tilts her head to look up at me with bright green eyes. "Getting to do that again?"

"Anytime, my love. But no, that's not the gift. Instead of doing it again...you could watch it if you want." Now she frowns and shakes her head a little, lost. "That night, you took my visor off and put it on the desk. In the process, you must have touched something and...turned on the recording feature. I was cleaning up some old vids when I got back up here, after rewatching the high Volus, and just found it." 

Shepard startles and sits up, turning to gawk at me. "You're telling me...that we...made a sex tape?!" 

"Mmhmm. I didn't watch it yet but judging by length and the angle, you got the whole thing and more." I lean forward and meet her lips, lingering when I say, "The video is my gift to you. You can delete it, watch it later...or we can watch it together." I kiss her again and Shepard moans, leaning into me. 

"What, uh..." She clears her throat. "If we watch it together..." I know it's unconscious when Shepard's hand moves to her stomach, her fingers grazing right across where I know one of her worst scars is. 

I take hold of Shepard's leg and pull it over me, moving her onto my lap. "You're gorgeous," I tell her, never more honest. I shift my hands under her shirt and then up, grazing over her stomach while taking her shirt with me. She lets me pull it off, but I can see that instinct she used to have to cover herself coming back. She wants to hide from me, and I regret bringing up the video. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to - " 

"No, no," she cuts me off, pressing closer. "I...part of me wants to. I just don't know if I'll like what I see. Have you made a sex tape before?"

"I thought we talked about you not asking me questions like that," I note, trying not to narrow my eyes at her. "Neither of us wants the answers to most of them, they'll lead nowhere good. And nothing I did before matters now." 

Never in my life did I imagine that I would regret my sexual history. I've chased my fantasies, slept with whoever desired me, done things that I would never try again and things I still have dreams about. I never had regrets about any of it, even the things that turned out badly or ended poorly. I'm proud of my sexuality, I don't resent my libido. And now here I am wishing I didn't have the kind of past that makes me unable to give Shepard answers to that sort of question without making her feel insecure. 

I don't resent her for it. I get it. It's something that probably has more to do with our species than anything; humans are a lot less open and exploratory when it comes to sex. Shepard has started opening up and maybe someday we could have these talks, but we aren't there yet. 

"I know it doesn't matter," Shepard assures me, taking her face between her hands. "I wasn't fishing, I promise. I mean...well, porn is staged, right? They never look bad or awkward or have weird faces." 

"I need to hear more about your experience with porn," I tease, poking her side and getting a great little giggle out of her. 

"Absolutely not. But seriously. What if we don't look good?" She shrugs like the question embarasses her. 

"Baby, believe me, I know how you look while we're fucking, and it's exceptional." I lick a line up her throat and Shepard shudders, her hands grasping my shoulders. I slide my hands to her ass, so perfect, and squeeze. "Maybe you could try focusing on me if you watch it. If you don't want to see you...do you want to see how you make me feel?"

I know that works when her heart skips wildly. I won't be disappointed if we don't watch the video, but I do hope she listens and focuses on that if we do. I know I'm not good at hiding how I feel about her; I'm far too wild about her for that. And I want her to know it. 

"Let's watch." 

"Are you sure?" Her eyes are bright and clear, but she arrived here quicker than I thought she would. I thought we'd revisit the topic down the line, really. "Shepard, listen to me. I will not be disappointed if you don't want to. I think it's something we'll enjoy together but I don't need it." 

She smiles in that naughty way that goes a long way to convincing me she's sure. "You think we'll like it?" 

"Mmhmm. I think we're pretty damn great together, baby." I squeeze her ass again. 

"We are. Let's watch." She presses her finger to her mouth to cut me off and proves yet again that she can read my mind when she says, "I promise I'll ask you to stop it if I don't like it." 

"Okay. Then let's watch." I pat her ass this time and say, "Go get changed. Less clothes." 

"Any preference?" she asks, definitely teasing me while she slides off my lap. 

"Surprise me. And grab your vibrator, too." 

That gets some pink in her cheeks but she doesn't argue or resist, heading for her closet. Our closet. I wonder if I'll ever get used to that. 

I don't watch, instead pulling up the video. It was purely by chance that I found the thing; all I wanted to do was free up some storage space. I've never lost the sniper habit of recording my firefights but they tend to add up and I tend to leave deleting them for a long time. It doesn't help that I'm anal as fuck and can't delete them without watching. 

I save many more than I used to. I like catching moments with the ground squad, Shepard finding a second to smile at me or a joke shared with another member of the crew. I have a few set aside now to show Jack when I'm convincing her to accept leadership training from Shepard, and a couple for Grunt who has great instincts and just needs refined techniques. 

But stumbling across an image of Shepard naked was not my goal today. Not that I'm complaining. 

"Do you know that I have pictures of you?" I ask, the thought occurring to me. "Like...a lot of them." 

"Garrus. If you're telling me that you take pictures of me naked, I will - " 

I snap my gaze up quickly, finding her in only a pair of pink panties and holding one of my shirts in her hand, halfway to putting it on. She looks pissed. "No!" I interrupt, shaking my head. "No, Shepard, I would never. They're candid shots but not like that. You're welcome to look through the roll. I swear the video was completely an accident." 

She relaxes almost immediately. "Sorry. I know that you wouldn't do that to me. Just scared me." She pulls the shirt on and narrows her eyes at me, playful now. "I want to hear more about this taking pictures of me hobby, though." 

"I can't help myself," I admit with a shrug. "The visor makes it really easy. I kind of just snap them whenever. There are an awful lot of you smiling." 

"God, you're the sweetest dork in the world," she laughs, hopping back onto the couch beside me. "You should take more of us together. That way I can enjoy them too." 

"Deal." I lean in to kiss her and use my Omni-Tool to snap a picture, letting her hear the noise. Shepard smiles against my mouth, and I take another. "Better?"

"You're amazing." I stop taking pictures when she kisses me fully, her tongue sweeping against my plates. When I meet the kiss, she moans and brings her arms around my neck, dropping the vibrator carelessly in my lap. It lands button-side down on a plate on my thigh and turns on against my groin, making me jump while I grab the thing. Shepard giggles again. "Did you enjoy that?" 

"I enjoy it, but not on closed plates." 

She moans softly and slips her hand from my thigh in between my legs. "Maybe we should get them open." 

"Oh, I'm sure they'll open while we watch this." I use my 'Tool to send the video up onto her fish tank, which is off, the same place we watch movies. 

"Oh, God, do we have to do it full-sized?!" 

I laugh and nip her throat. I wonder if she has any idea how hot she looks in my shirts. Especially with her legs bare. "We do. I want access to both my hands when you get all hot and bothered watching yourself take my dick." 

"Shit, Garrus." She shudders, a flush spreading over her throat. "You have a way with words." 

"I know. Stop delaying. We doing this?"

Shepard takes a breath and nods, sliding up against my side - even closer than usual. She's nervous, I know, but she's at least looking at the tank. I start the vid without warning her, the first shot being a naked Shepard putting the visor on the desk before coming back to me. It's a profile view of both of us, Shepard straddling one of my legs on the chair.

We watch as the on screen version of me licks and nips at her collarbone, Shepard shuddering and exposing more of her throat to me. When on-screen Shepard starts to move, rolling and grinding against my thigh, the one beside me squeezes my leg. "Damn, Elle," I hear myself say, arousal painted all over me while I look at her naked body. "You are so sexy...Spirits." 

Shepard gasps when she watches me in the vid start jerking off. She likes it as much now as she did then. And damn, I love watching her get hot for me. Almost as much as I like watching Shepard touch herself on screen, cry out when her fingers pinch her own nipples. 

While on screen, Shepard and I watch each other masturbate, my dick jumps into action in real life. I shift on the couch to shove my pants down enough to free it, and take my shaft in hand - just like I'm doing on the video. Shepard swats my hand away, taking over for me with light strokes while she keeps watching the video. 

On-screen, I have a hold of Shepard's hair and a firm grip on my dick while Shepard moves like a fucking stripper and begs me not to stop. "You're gorgeous," I growl at her in the vid. "So perfect." 

I can remember this, how hot she was getting me. I slip my hand over her shoulder and use the loose collar of my shirt to my advantage, reaching her breast and squeezing. Shepard gasps while the on-screen me loses his mind at the sight of Shepard touching her own clit. 

"Damn, you look so good when you cum, big guy," Shepard murmurs. She says something similar on the screen. 

"You look good covered in my cum." She flashes a grin up at me and squeezes my dick harder, drawing out a groan I don't try to hide. I can't help but groan again when the Shepard in the vid takes my finger in her mouth. "Look at that look on your face. You know exactly what you do to me don't you, baby?"

"I like to think I know what you like," she replies, leaning down and licking my cock before sitting up and giving me a devilish grin. 

We're both given pause when the on-screen versions of us share a moment, their foreheads connected. "I used to think we had forever," I hear myself saying. She makes my voice deep as hell. "Even when you left, I felt so sure you'd be back. There was no way that could be the end for us - not us, you know? But now...I'm scared to waste a moment." 

In real life, Shepard wraps her free arm around my back, holding on. I wrap my arm across her chest instead of groping her, holding her opposite shoulder. 

On screen, Shepard holds my face between her hands. I love when she does that. She promises that we have forever, and then tells me she loves me. Both of us - the me on the couch and the me on the screen - shudder at that. It never stops impacting me just as strongly. 

"We're sweet to each other," Shepard chirps, running her fingers lightly along the ridges of my cock. Almost playfully. Tease. 

We watch Shepard straddle my hips, my fingers sliding inside her. "Hmm, we're hot for each other too." I slide my hand down her side and across her stomach, grazing the place where on-screen me has his fingers buried. "I'd forgotten that this was our first time." 

"Me, too. The loss of my second virginity," she laughs. She gasps when the on-screen version of herself gets wanton, arching her breasts into my mouth. "You're good." 

"I know." I make her jump, grazing her clit again. 

"Can I move?" Shepard's voice, husky and hot, asks from the screen. 

"You need my permission to move?"

"I want it. I want you to tell me. I...I miss that." 

In real life, I nuzzle her hair and slip my finger through her folds. She's wet and hot and so very inviting, and she tilts her hips up into my hand. On screen, I roll my hips and slide my cock between her asscheeks while fingering her. Shepard starts stroking me while the virtual version of her grinds her hips, and I remember fantasizing about sliding right into her ass. 

"Your ass is the only thing that can distract me during a shoot out." 

I laugh at myself. "That's still true. Probably always will be." 

"Mmm, I hope so." I can tell she's distracted by what's happening on-screen, and I help that along by fucking her with my fingers in real life too. Shepard moans and shifts, bringing her legs up on the couch so that she's lying with her head in my lap and her knees spread for me. 

I take my eyes off the video to watch in my fingers under the pink silk, disappearing inside her slowly. Shepard moans and takes me in her mouth, swirling her tongue around the head. She gasps on my cock when I smack her ass on screen. Another smack, and Shepard on-screen is cumming for me. 

On screen, we relive our first time. In real life, I slip a second finger inside her tight body and Shepard arches her hips. "Here." I press the vibrator into her hand, turning it on, and then direct it to the base of my cock, right above my quad. "Yeah, right there." 

Shepard moans and sucks the head of my dick into her mouth while on-screen, I have to hold onto the chair to keep control of myself. "You feel so fucking good, baby," I tell her, watching her fuck me and reveling in the heat and suction she's giving me while the vibrator sends shockwaves rolling up my shaft. 

On screen, she fucks me hard until I cum. In real life, I start fucking her more earnestly with my fingers. Shepard keeps up, sucking harder. I'm going to cum offscreen, too. I watch her on the video stand and turn around on my order and get inspired. "Hey, come here." 

Shepard catches on quickly and repeats her position, only I spread her legs over mine this time. She moans and drops her head back onto my shoulder when I bring the vibrator back, pressing it in the same position except this time I'm buried inside her and the vibrations move through both of us. 

"Touch me," she breathes, taking control of the vibrator so that I can do exactly what I'm doing on screen and touch her everywhere. We fuck slowly while watching ourselves fuck the same way, Shepard rolling her hips against me. "We are good," she murmurs. 

"Mmm. We're meant to be." I pinch her nipples, drag my fingers down her abs, and circle her clit. 

On-screen, I'm talking Shepard into cumming for me. Spirits, she looks incredible when she cums. I can tell that Shepard doesn't hate the view either. "God, you get so deep, Garrus," she moans when I bend her in half on screen. "So long...so thick." She clenches her core around me. "Damn, and you know what you're doing with it, too." 

It's hard not to preen a little, watching myself stroke inside her and Shepard grow boneless as she cums on my dick. I follow her over the edge, pumping inside her. I recognize the effort to cum as deep inside her as I can - something I would only do with my mate. I don't want Shepard to notice, and at the same time, I wish she knew. 

"I remember what happened next," Shepard tells me when I stop the video and start rolling my hips up into her. "You showed me that you'd installed the plate over the skylight. We weren't even...official then, and you were so good to me. 

"Shepard." I tilt my hips to exactly the right angle inside her. "Nothing about the way I feel for you changed even while you were gone. I will always be good to you. I'll always take care of you, baby." 

Even if you decide I'm not what you want or need someday. 

"I need you harder," she breathes, arching against me. "Deeper. Please." 

"Stand," I order, and she does immediately. I miss her body instantly but take the opportunity to nip her ass while it's right in front of my face. Shepard yelps and then giggles, dancing out of reach. I wish I had the willpower not to give chase, but I can't do it. And I don't regret it when Shepard squeals in joy when I snatch her up around the waist and toss her across the bed. 

I grab her by the knees and slide her to the edge of the bed, under me. The movement pulls her shirt up and spreads her hair out. With one breast exposed, her curls a mess, and her skin flushed, she is breathtaking. 

Shepard lifts her wrist and quickly snaps a picture of me while my eyes are scanning her. When I give her a questioning look, Shepard grins. "I like the way you look at me." 

"I like looking at you." I lean over her, pressing my hands on either side of her head and kissing her. Shepard kisses me back, holding the back of my head and moaning against my mouth. I pull away to nip her throat and drag my tongue down her sternum. "You want it hard, Shepard?"

"Yes, sir. Please." 

"Roll over." I step back enough to give her room for that, and Shepard gets up onto her knees. She's at just the right height for me here, her body just begging for my cock. I can see how wet she is, how perfectly smooth. It's all I can do to control myself long enough to direct my cock into her, but the moment that perfectly greedy little body has a hold of me, I nearly lose my mind. 

Need takes off, a base and primal urge to claim this woman. It's not like the need to fuck I've felt with others before; it's not just libido or sexual urges. It's Shepard. My instincts know that I must have her and for as long as Shepard will have me, I'm not letting go. And at least for now, I get to know that I'm giving her exactly what she wants. Shepard cries out and moans, she screams my name and begs for more. She drives her hips back into me, giving everything that I deliver right back. And damn she looks good doing it. I find the strength to hold my hips steady and let her keep going, her ass shaking perfectly every time it meets my hips.

"Oh, hell yeah, Shepard," I growl at her, totally enraptured. "Damn, look at you. You fuck me so good." 

Shepard looks back at me over her shoulder, biting her bottom lip with those green eyes glittering. Whether it's because she's my bondmate or because she's my best friend or just from practice, I know what she wants right now. My hand connections with her ass firmly, enough to sting and make her yelp. I repeat it again, and then a third time until I'm looking at a red print that matches my hand. 

Shepard moans and falters a little, so I take control back for her. I gather a fistful of her hair and press her face down into the mattress, then I let go of every thought except the need to take her. My orgasm comes swiftly, directly following hers, and I can't see anything for a moment. When I come back to my senses, somehow I've gotten onto my back on the bed, and Shepard is laying beside me on her stomach. 

"You okay?" I check, unsure of what just came over me. 

"Mmm, definitely," Shepard answers, cheeks flushed and a sated smile on her face. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"Watching our sex tape really turned me on." 

I laugh, relief and gratitude swelling inside me. I was pretty sure she was enjoying it, but it's nice to be sure. And this opens up a new world of fun for us. 

"You ever wanna make another one, you just let me know." 

Shepard climbs to climb on top of me, straddling my waist but laying on my chest with chin propped on her hands. "I wanna make another one. Or maybe next time I'll film it and not tell you." 

"You have my consent to film anytime," I assure her, lifting my head a little. Shepard reads me and shifts forward for a slow, lingering kiss. "I'm proud of you, kid," I tell her, brushing hair behind her ear and tugging the lobe before my hand falls away. "I know that wasn't an easy thing for you to agree to. Did you like what you saw of yourself?"

"Um...I don't know if I'd go that far." Shepard sits up, her ass low on my stomach, and pulls my shirt off over her head. Her naked body with just the pink of her panties contrasting against my plates is a tempting distraction, but I force my eyes onto her face...even as I let my hands trail her thighs, hips, and waist. "I liked the way I looked with you. Seeing our reactions to each other." She flashes a gorgeous grin and teases, "You are very into me, Mr. Vakarian." 

"You don't know the half of it," I reply, snapping the elastic on her hip to tease her back. She just laughs but a knot forms in my gut. If she did know, if she knew the truth...what would she say? I shake it off and slide my hands up to cup her breasts. "C'mon, be honest. You saw the way you move. No reason to be modest about how damn good you look." 

Shepard laughs and blushes. "I still prefer watching you. I'm not very modest about how sexy my boyfriend is." 

"Well, your boyfriend is not very modest period so - " She laughs with me and cuts me off with a kiss, covering my hands with hers and encouraging me with a squeeze to keep playing. "Mmm. Wanna start practicing for the sequel?"

Shepard answers me with her body, the response very clear. We collapse, spent, hours later, Shepard on top of me again. I wrap my arms around her, determined to keep her, and press my mouth to her hair. She starts falling asleep almost immediately but she nuzzles my chest. "You really know how to treat your girlfriend, big guy." 

"Yeah? Just wait until you're my wife." 

The moment the words leave me, I wish I could take them back or disappear into the mattress. Fuck. The haze of lust is a powerful damn truth serum. 

Shepard tenses and moves to sit up a little, but I hold her tighter. My heart nearly seizes, flashbacks of every time Shepard rejected me or walked away because things got too real running through my mind. I put my foot in my mouth, and she's going to leave me. 

All I can do is whisper, "Don't pull away from me. Please." 

"Garrus." Shepard pushes against my chest and leans up just enough to look down at me. "Didn't I tell you I'm never leaving you again?" She smiles at what must be the most ridiculously shocked look on my face and leans in to kiss me. "I can’t wait to be your wife, big guy." 

All the air in my lungs leaves in a rush, returning too fast on a gasp when she presses her forehead against mine. "Shepard. Spirits." 

I'm beating myself up to say something else, anything - the right things - but Shepard doesn't need it. Instead, she smiles, kisses me one more time, and whispers, "I love you, too." 

I fall asleep holding my bondmate, my future wife. I still don't know if I believe she won't leave me, and I still don't know how or if to approach the bonding thing. But I know I have her for now and we're madly in love. I can't ask for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. I write ahead to make sure that I can give you a chapter every week even if something in my life explodes (especially useful this year). Buuuut I had to share that I just finished writing the last scene in the ME2 portion of this series! That means there is officially, definitely MUCH more to come for Elle & Garrus, and I'm rolling right into ME3! Thank you so much for all the love and support you show of this work, it's...well, you're reading a piece of my soul so. Thank you. 
> 
> Btw if you ever wanna connect, get to know me, see the other wild shit I get into, you can find me on Twitter @CKnightWrites!


	27. Never

I fell asleep on top of Garrus but I wake up all but underneath him. We almost always end up in this position, me on my stomach and Garrus halfway on top of my back. He's so damn warm, it makes waking up pleasant as hell. He also snores in a way that sounds like purring, and I'll be damned if that's not the most soothing sound in the entire galaxy. 

This morning, Garrus has thrown one leg all the way across my back so he's even more completely on top of me than usual. I wonder if that's because of the last conversation we had before falling asleep. Garrus freaked out a little when he mentioned me being his wife - mostly because he thought I would freak out. We've made a ton of progress together, but it's obvious I have a lot left to do if I'm going to make Garrus feel as confident about me as I am about him. Most of that work will involve not leaving him, and that's about the easiest mission I've ever had. 

I reach down and find his knee outside my hip, stroking his thigh gently. Garrus wakes almost instantly, as always, and hugs me closer. "Am I squishing you?" he mutters into my shoulder. 

"No." 

"Okay good, then I'm never moving." He makes his point by nuzzling me, comforting both of us when he marks me with his scent. "You're so warm in the morning." 

I laugh at that. "I'm warm because I sleep with a three hundred pound space heater on top of me. Which makes getting out of bed very hard, I'll have you know." 

"So don't go. Problem solved." He nips the back of my shoulder and I jump a little even as I giggle at him. "Damn, I love that sound." 

I shift a little and Garrus moves to let me roll over, moving onto my side and facing him. Our hands meet between us immediately. He lifts his free hand to tuck a curl behind my ear, tugging the lobe gently. I trace his clan marking with my fingers, the intense blue color striking me for the hundredth time. "Turians take on the markings of their partner when they marry?"

"Mmhmm. Usually the partner with higher rank or greater standing keeps theirs, but the other only changes color. So my brother's wives have their original colony markings but in our blue." 

"Well, you can't exactly take my clan's color even though I outrank you." He growls playfully at me and I laugh, tracing the marking back the other way across his face. I swallow to make the words work and tell him, "I'd have no problem doing it, though. They're beautiful." 

"Doing what?" He frowns at me briefly and his eyes widen when it clicks, and then he laughs. I can't tell if that's good or not but I don't love it. "Shepard, you are absolutely not getting your face tattooed just for my clan markings. No." 

"Wait, why not? You would with a Turian!" I protest. 

"You are not a Turian, and I'm fine with that. I don't need to pretend that you are, and I certainly don't need to permanently change your face." He bumps my forehead with his, still smiling. That has to be a good sign. "I happen to rather enjoy your face, kid." 

That eases the anxiety in my gut instantly. He's not rejecting me, he's never rejected me. I repeat it to myself a couple times, squeezing his fingers. "Okay, I get it. But...it's how Turian's publicly claim one another, right?" 

"It's one way. We also have the mark I told you about. And humans wear rings which is something we can do instead of the clan marks." 

I narrow my eyes at him, wondering if he heard what he just said. "How do you know humans wear rings?"

Garrus's mandibles flair wide in surprise and he flounders, stammering for a moment. When I laugh at him, Garrus recovers and acts swiftly, rolling on top of me and using his talons to tickle my sides expertly. "I looked it up, okay? You have me doing research on human marriage traditions, you wicked woman. I am completely caught up in you." 

"Garrus!" I screech through laughter I can't help, trying to get him off of me and catch my breath. "You are not allowed to be sweet while you torture me!" 

"Can I just pick torture then?"

"No!" I manage enough control to call forth my biotics, just giving him a shock. It comes as a surprise, so he startles, and that gives me just enough room to take control and flip him over with my legs. I scramble and get his arms pinned under my knees. I'm well aware that he could throw me off but also that he won't, so I sit back and flip my hair out of my face. 

"Mmm, is this how you plan to torture me?" he teases, eyes scanning my naked body with heat I can feel. I still have a moment of horror when he sees me naked, still aware of the scars, but today the image of Garrus's face from the video pops into mind. It was somehow different than seeing it live, though I can't explain why. 

It doesn't matter. Seeing the way Garrus feels about me so clearly on a pretty big screen mad me feel beautiful. Sexy. Desired. 

His. 

"I was going to say yes, but now I've decided I don't want to torture you." I lean forward. putting my hands down on either side of his head and shifting my legs off of his arms. His hands lift and cup the back of my thighs immediately like he couldn't wait even a moment longer to touch me. I kiss him softly and speak against his mouth. "I want your ring. I want your mark." 

Garrus gasps my name and lifts his head to kiss me, passion vibrating through him. He takes hold of the back of my head with one hand and then rolls, bringing me to the mattress underneath him. "You have all of me, Elle," he murmurs, nuzzling our foreheads together. "Everything I have, everything I am. It's yours."

I catch the chain of my dogtags, hanging from his neck so that the metal tags rests between my breasts. "I'll take care of all of you, Garrus." 

He opens his eyes and meets my gaze. I can see something there, something he wants to say, right on the tip of his tongue. My chest tightens. Is this it? Will he tell me that he loves me? Is he finally going to tell me if he's bonded with me? 

The more I think about it, the more it feels true. I was dead for two years and he dedicated every moment of his life and his suffering to me - for better or for worse. He feels my pain like his own, he's in pain when I'm in danger. And I feel just as attuned to him. Maybe that's normal love and I've just never experienced it but...but maybe we have more. A bond. 

Garrus is warring with himself about saying it, though. I can see the fear in his eyes, and I want that gone more than I want to hear the words, so I tilt my head up and kiss him. He relaxes into it instantly, showing me how he feels instead. 

He takes my hands in his and entwines our fingers, pushing them up above my head while aligning our bodies. He takes me slowly, letting me feel every glorious, thick inch as they press inside me. My back arches with pleasure and need when I'm full of him, and Garrus growls into my throat, stroking his hips steadily. 

"I can't possibly deserve you, Shepard," he moans, the sound almost pained. 

"You don't...don't have to," I gasp out, his cock making rational thought and speech difficult. "I love you." 

"Elle." He releases my hands and trails his fingers down my arms, over my waist, and to my hips. I let him pull my legs around him, hooking my ankles behind him and pressing against his lower back. Garrus reads the signal as perfectly here as he does in battle and strokes faster, harder, rolling his hips to reach all of the right spots. He keeps that steady rhythm, and when I start to climb, he brings his hand between us and sends me over the edge with expert pressure. He doesn't follow until he's dragged another orgasm out of me, and then he releases my legs but stays inside me, lowering to rest his face against my throat. I wrap my arms around him, lightly stroking his fringe. 

"Now I have absolutely no incentive to get out of bed today." 

Garrus chuckles, the sensation pretty odd and pretty damn nice inside me. He leans up a little and kisses me once more. "I'll be the responsible one today if you need it. Although it's not selfless. I want to get the hell off of Illium." 

I smile and nod, forcing myself not to react. So much of me wants to talk about Liara, but I know he doesn't want that. And really, what more is there to say? I'm grateful, of course, that she rescued my body. But she hurt Garrus, and his pain is mine. It's hard to lose friends, though, and I wish I knew more about Liara's motivations and what happened between them. We're going through the Omega 4 Relay before long; I don't want Garrus to die with regrets. 

I let him go after one more kiss and we part to get out of bed on our respective sides. I take a moment to stretch while Garrus throws his antidepressant down dry. I'm not saying I watch him take it everyday but I watch him take it everyday. And something tells me that he knows since he only ever takes it while I'm in the room, even waiting until I get out of the shower if I get up first. We both want him to stay better. 

Garrus heads for the shower, turning to walk backward as he reaches the stairs. He's still mostly hard and strokes himself slowly. "Join me?"

Who the hell would refuse an offer like that?

He waits at the top of the steps and I leap into his arms, Garrus catching me with my legs around his waist and a gorgeous grin on his face. Under a stream of hot water, Garrus takes me hard and fast - completely different from our first rounds this morning. He finishes in my throat, growling my name. It's a damn good start to the day. 

I love sharing our morning routines, almost as much as I love the sex. There's something really intimate about getting dressed and ready for the day together. While he finishes getting dressed, lacing up his boots perfectly because he's Garrus, I sit down at my desk to check my emails. I feel like not checking them really stresses Kelly Chambers out. 

"Why, Shepard?" I hear Garrus ask. 

"Why Shepard what?" I look up but can't see him until he stands and then climbs up the steps. 

"Why, Shepard, do you need to leave your boots laying all over your quarters? Seriously, I adore you, but Spirits you can be sloppy." 

I balk at him, shocked. "I am not sloppy, Vakarian! That's really mean." 

"It's also really true." He motions to my desk and several datapads that...maybe are not stacked or organized. But I know where everything is, and I am not sloppy. "Shepard, you're the perfect soldier otherwise. It's just a quirk...one that drives me a little crazy. Can I organize this?"

"You cannot!" I reply, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not sloppy, you're just needlessly anal. You boots have to be laced perfectly to standard everyday, you can't leave anything out of place - " 

"Nothing belongs out of place," he retorts, crossing his arms too. "That's why things have a place." 

"I cannot believe you think I'm sloppy!" I turn away from him, back to the computer. "Don't you have calibrations to do? You should go. Dismissed." 

Garrus grabs the back of my chair and spins me to face him, leaning down and planting his hands on the arm of the chair so we're almost eye to eye. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. I shouldn't have said anything. 

I can tell he's sincere but it doesn't help much. "It's not better if you don't say anything! Are there other things you don't like about me?"

"Shepard! There are no things I dislike about you." He kneels and tugs my ponytail. "You know I'm crazy about you." 

"Yeah, well, maybe that's why this stings so much! You usually say such nice things about me." I realize I'm taking this too seriously and being petulant but I can't really help it. It feels weird to have something other than good things from him. 

"Baby, so you're messy. And like you said, I'm anal as hell. I'd be far too perfect without that one flaw." I laugh with him and shove his shoulder away. Garrus shifts and leans on the desk instead. "You walked in here last night and kicked off your boots all sloppy, and I smiled. I think it's really cute, especially considering it's...you. It's kind of nice that you're not entirely perfect." 

I roll my eyes at that but can feel my cheeks getting hot. "I'm not perfect." 

"Yes, I know, you're sloppy. Your ass, however - " 

"Don't be cute, Vakarian!" I swat his leg, laughing, and Garrus catches my hand. He's watching me closely, and I know he's trying to find out if I'm still mad. I want to leave him hanging for a little while longer, but he's too cute to torture when he's sorry. "Fine. You're off the hook. Stop being hot when I want to be mad at you." 

"If it helps, I'll feel bad all day and then make it up to you later." He scans me quickly, making the offer clear and sending heat surging to my core even after a handful of orgasms already today. 

"How about you don't feel bad at all, and then make it up to me later just for fun?"

Garrus laughs and leans down, kissing me quickly. "Deal." 

I swat his ass as he steps away and then turn back to my computer. An email from Miranda doesn't make me outwardly groan anymore, but it's still not my most favorite thing. I pull it up and find that all she wants is to talk. That's not so bad. 

"I'm gonna go see Miranda before breakfast. I'll see you on rounds?"

"Sounds good." Garrus is holding my favorite zip-up hoodie on for me when I turn around, and I thank him for it, pulling it on while we walk to the elevator. "I'm spending the day calibrating the Thanix." 

"Surprise," I quip, unable to keep myself from laughing. Garrus's obsession with the gun has become a running joke around the ship. The crew takes bets on how many times a day they can get him to say 'I'm in the middle of some calibrations.' I'd feel bad if Garrus wasn't almost frustratingly cool and capable. He needs a flaw. Oh. "Yeah, please don't feel bad today. I just got it." 

Garrus gives me a look but doesn't ask questions, choosing instead to give me a kiss before we part ways. That will never grow old; I love working with him. It occurs to me that if he were a Spectre, we could choose to partner-up once we leave Cerberus. I know that he left Spectre training but never got any details on that. I make a mental note to ask. 

I walk into Miranda's office, finding her in the same place as usual - sitting at her desk and facing the door. I wonder if she always works this hard, or if she's fooling around at the console at least sometimes. 

"Shepard," she greets me, no smile and not standing up. At least she's consistent. "I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking for your help. I don't like discussing personal matters, but...this is important." 

It's more than obvious that the ever-perfect Cerberus agent is uncomfortable. I've never seen that on her before, and I don't love it as much as the petty part of me wants to. 

"Miranda, you're one of my crew. Tell me what's on your mind." I sit down in one of the chairs facing her desk, something I never do in here, in the hopes that it will relax her a little. I think it works when she sighs and leans back in her chair. 

"You remember what I told you about my father...building a dynasty? There was another reason I went to Cerberus for protection." 

I remember that conversation. Miranda was definitely bragging about her abilities and design, but I could see pain she told me about her father and why she left. Miranda stands and comes around the desk, sitting on the edge in front of me. 

"I have a sister," she tells me. "A twin. And he's still hunting her. Cerberus has kept her safe until now. She's living a normal life on Illium, safe and hidden from my father." 

"Only not anymore, I'm assuming? You think your father has tracked her down." 

"Precisely, Commander. My sources indicate he knows that she's on Illium. I've tried to keep her hidden without impacting her life, but I'm out of options." She shakes her head, fingers squeezing the desk. "He's too close. I need to relocate my sister's family before it's too late." 

I nod and lean forward, focusing. There's no question here if someone's family is in danger. "What do you know about your sister?"

She starts pacing before answering. It's not her usual sauntering around the room, but genuine pacing. "She's my genetic twin; we're identical. But she deserves a normal life. And she's going to get it, no matter what." 

Miranda pauses at the back of her chair, gripping it. I can read the fear in her, and I can relate to it. Miranda joined me when I was racing to Archangel before the gangs on Omega got to him; granted, she wasn't very supportive during that mission, but she did help. 

"Does your sister's family know about this? Are they okay with being relocated?"

"They know nothing," she replies. "They're completely uninvolved. Normal. I told Cerberus, and they're coming up with a reason to move the family." 

I stand, ready to go. "What do you need me to do?"

"My father is extremely persistent. Cerberus is moving the family today on Illium, and I'd like to be there to make sure none of his agents get too close." 

"I assume you have a contact?"

She nods. "Lanteia. She can meet us when we're ready." 

"Set it up for this morning. I'll be ready when you are." Miranda thanks me, and I give her a nod before turning for the door. I stop and turn back just as they slid open in front of me. "You understand that Garrus will be on the ground squad with us, right?"

"I assumed so, yes," she replies with a nod. And not the scowl I was expecting. "Officer Vakarian is extremely effective in the field; I have no objections. And I...understand why it's important for the two of you." 

"Good. And thank you." 

I leave her, swoop by Mess Hall for breakfast, and grab breakfast to go. Then I head to the Main Battery for my extremely effective sniper. 

"Shh," Garrus says as soon as the door opens, pressing a finger to his mouth and turning away from his beloved console. He motions toward the bed where Jack is passed out, tucked under a blanket. "She, uh...sleeps in here sometimes." 

"I can understand that," I assure him. "You make her feel safe." 

"Shut up. What do you need?"

I stifle a laugh to keep my badass biotic asleep. "Wait, did she pass out drunk or is she just sleeping?"

"She doesn't bring alcohol in here. And she sleeps like the dead so you don't have to whisper too much, just keep it down." He glances down at her and adds, "She does often wake up violent, though." 

I ignore the comment about alcohol for now. Yet another thing we've never really talked about. Garrus has secrets, but I can wait. Sort of. 

I shake it off. "I am sorry, but we're staying on Illium today. We need to help Miranda out. Her twin sister is in danger." 

"That's a good reason, no need to be sorry. What do you know?" 

I give him a rundown of Miranda's thing with her dad and what I just learned. He agrees and grabs his rifle, then follows me out. I turn when he pauses to lock the Main Battery doors. "Uh...Jack sleeps naked." 

"Ah. And you know this. Great." I laugh. "You know, I'm not even a little surprised." 

Garrus chuckles. "I'm just glad you're not pissed. I just told you I hang out in a room with a naked woman." 

"I trust you," I inform him. Garrus looks me over for a moment and then nods, a smile pulling at his mandibles. "I trust Jack too, actually. She's not the type to betray people." 

"Yeah, that's why I don't throw a fit about the naked thing. For the record, if any of the other women on this ship got naked in a space known as mine, I'd throw them out." 

"Good to know. But what about the men on the ship?" I tease, nudging him with my elbow. "It's okay if they get naked in your space?"

Garrus laughs. "Depends on the guy. Most of them, I'd call Chakwas and assume they were having some kind of breakdown. Human males are a lot straighter than I knew was possible." 

"They just try really hard at being straight. Hey!" I protest when he steals my protein bar before I can open it. 

"Has Miranda texted you about meeting her contact yet?" he asks. "No? Okay, then you have time for real food. Let's go, Commander." Garrus puts his arm around my shoulder and guides me toward the kitchen. "Rupert, we have a Code Shepard." 

"Got it!" the mess sergeant agrees immediately before turning away. 

"What the actual fuck is a Code Shepard?" I demand, fighting the urge to thank Rupert when he refills my coffee cup. He doesn't get a thank you until I know why he has a code involving my name with my boyfriend. 

"A Code Shepard is when my stubborn, beautiful, sometimes less than neat girlfriend prioritizes things other than her own health and we have to use bacon and waffles to convince you to eat." 

A plate of the offending breakfast lands on the counter right in front of me, perfect timing. We can't get real maple syrup up here, but waffles are a goddamn luxury and I'm not ashamed of indulging in them. 

"Don't say that in front of me again. I like to pretend I don't know." I soften the blow with a kiss to Garrus's cheek and then one for Rupert who turns a lovely shade of red. Garrus laughs softly and follows me to the table with his own breakfast. "You're just so very lucky that I love you."

"I know it." Garrus flashes another grin while pulling a chair out for me. I force a super dramatic eye roll and then sit down and dig into my favorite breakfast with gusto. And even though it's my favorite, I don't mind when Garrus snags a piece of bacon; I even offer him a piece of waffle. Of course, I might do that because Garrus does not like waffles or anything resembling or made from bread-type ingredients. He says the texture reminds him of chewing on a sponge and he can't stand it. More waffles for me. 

By the time I'm done, Miranda has a location for us and we're ready to go. Armored up, we are definitely overdressed for Eternity, a very swanky club on Nos Astra. It's pretty nice, and a glimpse at a drink menu is immediately intriguing; if Garrus didn't hate Illium, I might squeeze in a night of shore leave just to have a date with him here. 

"Hey, we need a real date," I tell him, sitting beside him on a long couch. Miranda sits in a chair on the other side of the table, not at all subtle while she scans the room. 

"I agree," Garrus replies, smiling at me in a way that makes me think he's picturing me naked. And that makes me wish I was naked. "Any thoughts?"

If I give him my thoughts, we'll stay in our quarters and get all hot and sweaty. We might do it every night but it never gets old. "Is it stupid if I tell you I want to be surprised?"

"Not stupid at all. You can have whatever you want, and I'd love to surprise you." 

I don't resist the urge to kiss him but I keep it brief. Technically, we're working, even if the mission hasn't started yet. But with the surprised, almost shy little smile it makes Garrus give me, I decide I need to kiss him in public when he's not expecting or initiating it much more often. 

The smile fades quickly though, and Garrus's mandibles pull tight. It's not quite a frown but it throws me. Then he tilts his head just a little, and I know he's listening to something. There are too many people around us to guess, but he's concerned. "Share." 

"See the Asari standing with the Quarian about four yards back?" I don't look, only nodding. I've already noticed them anyway. "They're talking about a service contract. The Quarian is that Asari's slave" 

My blood runs cold in an instant, and I feel my hands fist the moment the word hits me. The reaction I have now is minimal to the flashbacks that would assault me for hours a few years ago. Slavery will never not be an issue for me, but I handle it now. And handling it gets infinitely easier when Garrus's hand lands on my thigh. 

"You with me, kid?"

"Mmhmm." I take a breath through my nose and let it out slowly. "Yes. I'm good. Let's see what's going on over there." 

I start to stand but Garrus stops me. "Look at me." He stares into my eyes for a moment, and then evidently makes a decision because he nods. I'm grateful he wanted to make sure I was ready, and I squeeze his hand before we stand. 

"We're getting involved?" Miranda asks. I hadn't realized she could hear us. 

"That girl is enslaved," Garrus hisses at her. "Of course we're getting involved." 

Miranda stands but eyes Garrus. "You're taking this rather personally. Why is that?"

"You know enough of Shepard's history to answer that for yourself." 

"Fair enough," Miranda agrees with a nod. "Apologies." 

"Well, shit. Now hell is going to freeze over and Krogan will fly." Garrus chuckles, and Miranda narrows her eyes at me but I can see a grin tugging at the corner of her mouth as well.

The three of us get closer to the Asari and Quarian, Miranda trailing so that we don't seem too obvious or threatening. We need to get far, far closer before I can hear them than Garrus needed to be. Damn super senses. 

"It's okay. I'll think of something," the Asari is saying as we get near. 

"You said Synthetic Insights would buy me! You said it was an easy sale!" The Quarian is obviously worked up about this, and she sounds terrified. That's enough for me to decide that we're getting involved. 

"I assumed they would want an AI tech." The Asari notices us getting close and does a double take before turning to face us when she decides we want her attention. She puts on a polite smile. "Hello. Can I help you with something?"

"I need you to let your slave go," I inform her, crossing my arms over my chest. "Now." 

The Asari puts her hand up defensively. "We prefer the term 'indentured servant.' And I know that Batarian slavers have made humans understandably prejudiced against slavery, but before you do anything hasty, know that this Quarian signed the agreement voluntarily, and her servitude contract is completely legal on Illium." 

"Well if I don't hit her for being a slave trader, I might for that patronizing tone," I say, looking up at Garrus. He grins even though his eyes stay hard. 

"Okay, there's no need for that," the Asari protests. "If you want to help the Quarian, convince the Synthetic Insights representative to purchase the contract." 

I shake my head, nauseous at all this talk about contracts to sell and buy people. "You're telling me that slavery is legal on Illium?"

"Indentured servitude," she emphases the words heavily, "lasts a set amount of time, or until agreed upon conditions are met. Illium must approve all contracts. The law limits what restraint or coercive options I can use and what tasks I can legally assign her. I'm also legally responsible for her behavior and health. Abuse is absolutely forbidden." 

"And everyone knows contracts never have loopholes, and no one on Illium ever works around the law," Garrus retorts. I'm shocked he's not growling; it's impressive self-control. I'm proud of how much he's grown. 

But I'm nowhere near done with this slaver. 

I look to the Quarian directly, preferring not to talk about her like she's not standing right there. "Why did you sign yourself into slavery?"

"She was - " 

"Hey!" Garrus snaps, cutting off the Asari. "She wasn't asking you." There goes the self-control. And I'm still proud of him. 

"I tried to play the stock market," the Quarian tells us. "I'm good with numbers, and I thought I had a way to make unlimited money. I lost everything. Then I got a credit line and lost that. Then I took out an illegal loan. You get the picture." 

"As part of our agreement, I paid off all her debts," the slave broker chimes in. She starts slowly like she's worried Garrus will yell at her again. "Five years from now, she'll have a fresh start and excellent work references." 

"Sounds great," Garrus scoffs. "Unless you lose her paperwork or come up with a reason to hold her longer." 

The Asari shakes her head. "All contracts are monitored by Illium law enforcement. In a case such as you describe, the burden of proof would be on me. No system is perfect, but safeguards are set up to protect all parties." 

"Okay but wait, if slavery is legal, why are you trying to sell her?"

"I don't keep service contracts myself," she tells me. "I'm a contract broker. I assumed Synthetic Insights would jump at the chance for a skilled AI tech, but they won't even make me an offer." 

"Why not just keep her?" I press. "You said she had technical skills." 

"Quarians have strict health requirements and diets that make them expensive to house and feed. I run at a minor profit at best. I don't have money for constant suit repairs and clean room facilities." 

This time it's Miranda who scoffs. "You should know that Commander Shepard houses a Quarian quite successfully on a warship." 

The Asari's eyes go a little wider. She knows excuses are crap. 

"So what happens if Synthetic Insights won't take me?" the Quarian asks the broker. 

"A solution always presents itself. I will take care of you," the Asari replies. Her tone is genuine, and she looks sincere enough. I don't really want to leave this Quarian around someone who is attempting to sell her, though. 

"What if I bought her?" I ask. "I could let her go, and everyone would be happy." 

"It's a generous offer, but it won't work. Her technical skills merit a contract of several hundred thousand credits," the Asari informs me. Miranda shakes her head immediately, warning me that it's not in the Cerberus budget. Maybe she does know me. 

"There's also a fee for freeing me before my service period ends," the Quarian adds. 

"Oh, of course there is," Garrus snaps at the slave broker. 

"It's standard," she insists. "And finally, you are clearly a traveler. Her service contract requires that she remain on Illium." 

The Quarian nods at that and explains, "I don't want them to take me off to a mine somewhere." 

Shit. My hands really feel tied here, but how am I supposed to walk away from someone who is enslaved? I only have one option that I can see. "I'll talk to the Synthetic Insights rep and see what I can do." 

"Really?" the Asari asks, her eyes going even wider now. "Thank you. I'd appreciate that." She points out the rep to us, an Asari at the other end of the club. She's at least standing alone. 

"Commander, will you excuse me? I want to check in with my contact."

I nod to Miranda and let her walk back to the couch while Garrus and I head for the rep. A few feet away, a Turian and Quarian are sitting together and just a glimpse at their conversation triggers the part of me that loves romance novels and rom coms. I grab Garrus's hand and pulls him aside. He doesn't resist at all while I push him into a wall and stand close, making us look casual enough as a couple. 

"What - " 

"Shh," I interrupt him. "I wanna listen." 

"You deserve somebody who respects you," the Turian behind us is saying. "Somebody who's going to treat you right." 

"Oh, I think I'm just going to stop dating for a while," the Quarian responds. 

Exactly as I suspected although much more desperately, the Turian counters, "No, don't do that! Don't let some human spoil you." 

"Are we really eavesdropping on them?" Garrus asks me softly, dropping his head to speak into my ear, probably because he knows the other Turian will have super senses just like his.

"Shut up, I'm human and we suck." 

He chuckles but doesn't stop listening either. The Quarian is complaining about her other dates. "It's always the same thing. 'Oh, she could get sick. She's vulnerable. I wonder what she looks like under the helmet.' 

"First time I saw you, I wondered what you'd look like naked," Garrus tells me. Now he's growling. 

"Don't distract me. And also you're a pig and I love it." I look up at him and warn, "Keep going, and I will be forced to make out with you in this club." 

"What incentive is that for me to stop, Shepard?" 

I laugh at him, trying to be quiet while listening to the Turian tell the Quarian she deserves someone who can eat her food. This guy is not smooth, but I feel terrible for him. "Poor dude. He's obviously in love." 

"Yeah, that sucks." 

"Speaking from experience?" I tease him. "We both know just about everyone wants you." 

Garrus laughs but it doesn't sound like he’s amused. "I have experience chasing a girl who doesn't want me, Shepard." He tucks a curl behind my ear, but I catch his hand before it falls. 

"I have always wanted you. Your thoughts the first time you saw me were about what I looked like naked?" I shake my head at him. "Garrus, I imagined myself on my knees as soon as I saw those eyes of yours." 

"Damn." He closes his eyes briefly, trying to pull himself back together. I like few things more than making him lose control, even a little. "All this does is remind me that we have wasted a ton of time, baby." 

"You're right. But no more." I lean up on my toes and kiss him quickly before turning away and heading for the Synthetic Insights rep. It's tempting as hell just to flirt with Garrus all day but we have to work at some point. 

"Can I help you with something?" she asks when we get close, putting on the same customer service smile that everyone here seems to have mastered. 

"How would you like to get your hands on an expert Quarian AI programmer?" I ask, putting on my own customer service smile. 

"If you'd like to submit a resume, I...wait." Her face falls and hardens, and I know I'm caught. "Is this about that slave? Synthetic Insights has no interest in purchasing slave labor. We're under enough scrutiny from the Citadel without engaging in practices the Council disapproves of. To be frank. we're hardly hiring anyone. The Geth attack on the Citadel didn't engender much love for artificial intelligence." 

Shit, times two. "I hate how much sense all of that makes," I inform her. "But thank you. I'll tell the slave broker, and hopefully she'll understand." 

The rep thanks us, and we head back for the slave broker and the Quarian with our tails tucked between our legs. 

"What are we supposed to do now?"

Garrus shakes his head. "I'm not sure there is anything, kid. We tried. I'm sorry I dragged you into a dead end; I know how hard this is for you." 

"No, it's okay. I know this shit happens sometimes, and I know logically I can't save everyone." I hate how hopeful both the Asari and the Quarian appear when we get close again. "They've got a policy against taking slaves. They're also having financial problems." 

The Asari swears. "I knew this was a stupid risk. The economy is too unstable to be taking on risky projects." 

"I'm sorry," the Quarian offers, surprising me. 

The response from the woman who owns her contract and her life is even more surprising because it's pained and genuine. "Please, this is not your fault. It is my responsibility to care for you. I will think of something." 

"Come on," Garrus pushes. "You said that Illium has a whole system for contracts. Where there's a system, there's wiggle room." 

"But I don't want to keep her if I can't maintain her health." 

"Don't these contracts usually have a clause that lets you release someone for health reasons?" Miranda asks, appearing at my other shoulder suddenly enough that I have to try not to physically startle. 

I nearly startle again when the slave broker shouts, "Yes! I can claim medical necessity, she'll be free, and I'll get most of my contract price back. Granted, it was never meant to apply to Quarians and they'll close the loophole after we use it, but it works for us!" 

"I'm sending you contact information for a very well connected friend here," I tell the Asari, very intentionally not using Liara's name. I wouldn't bring her into anything at all if I didn't think she could benefit the Quarian who I send the details to. 

Garrus pats my shoulder, somehow knowing that I needed the reassurance he's not mad at me for it. He might hate Liara but he knows this girl needs help. They both thank us profusely and we part from them, heading for the bar to continue waiting even though we can't drink. 

Lucky for me, we're near the Quarian and Turian love saga again. 

"If you're hurting for things to do, maybe after work we could catch a vid or something," the Turian suggests, still sounding just as obvious and pathetic. 

"Oh, that's sweet, but I'm okay," the totally obviously Quarian responds. "A little dry spell isn't going to kill me." 

"Wow this is painful," Garrus mutters. 

The Turian hasn't quit yet. "We could watch 'Fleet and Flotilla.' It got awards for its portrayal of, um, Turian and Quarian relationships." 

"Yikes," I confess, wincing. 

"Great movie, though," Garrus notes. I make a mental note of that. 

The Quarian remains oblivious to the torment her friend is undergoing and she says, "Anyway, if worst comes to worst, I did have a nerve-stimulation program built into my suit." 

I choke on nothing and have to cover my mouth to avoid drawing attention to the sound. Garrus is covering his whole face with his hands, making the same effort. 

"And I hear that the love scenes are...wait, what?!" the Turian croaks. 

"Oh, yeah!" the Quarian chirps. "Standard equipment for any responsible adult. Here, let me fire it up." 

Garrus and I both snort in a fantastically undignified way when the Turian makes a pained groan that my Turian and I recognize easily. That's the sound of a Turian so turned on it hurts. 

"Jesus, that poor guy is - " I do a double take when I realize Garrus is hacking a nearby Omni-Tool through his own. "What are you doing?!"

"Copying that nerve stimulation program," he answers like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "It's a gift for Tali." 

"Ha! Do me a favor. Tell her its from Kal'Reegar and record her reaction." 

This time the undignified snort comes from Miranda, and the horrified reaction she has to her own sense of humor is even funnier. She clearly doesn't appreciate having to wait for Garrus and I to recover from a fit of laughter, but I'm not sorry. And besides, we've both caught our breath by the time her Omni-Tool dings. 

"That was my contact." 

"Lead the way," I tell her. She starts off and we follow, though I grab Garrus's hand and squeeze it. "I really love laughing with you. It's what made me fall for you." 

"Really?" He looks genuinely surprised. "I thought it was my cock, to be honest." 

I laugh and shove him away even as I admit, "Yeah, that had something to do with it." 

"I'm fine with that," he promises, pulling me into his side and quickly kissing the top of my head as best he can. 

And then we shift into work mode seamlessly. That's another thing I love about him. I kept a distance from Garrus for so long because I was worried we wouldn't be able to separate personal and professional if we had both. I was wrong. Flirting on missions is fun as hell, but when it comes time to work, we pull it together. 

Miranda approaches a private room at the edge of Eternity and motions inside. I nod and Garrus doesn't need to be sold, slowing a bit so that Miranda and I can take the lead. Sometimes he plays the role of muscle, and he never complains. 

"Ms. Lawson, I'm glad you made it," the Asari, Lanteia, greets us. "We've had a complication." 

"What happened?" Miranda demands. "Is Oriana alright?"

"She's fine, but you listed a man named Niket as your trusted source? He contacted me, warning that your father has sent Eclipse mercenaries to make a sweep. He suggested the mercs might be watching for you personally. He's offered to escort Oriana's family to the terminal instead." 

The news very obviously relaxes Miranda, so it must be good. "Who is Niket?"

"He's a friend," she replies. "He and I go a long way back. Lanteia and Niket are the only people I've trusted with Oriana's location." 

"Okay. What information do you have about the mercenaries?" I ask Lanteia. 

"I've confirmed that they're Eclipse and that they're working for an organization Ms. Lawson warned us about. I could try to alert the authorities, but so far, they've done nothing illegal." 

Garrus scoffs and snarks, "Which is why Eclipse mercs go to places where laws are actually relevant so often." 

"You made the right decision," Miranda assures her. "We'll handle this ourselves." 

Miranda and Garrus immediately turn to me, expecting their orders and my plan. It's standard so I'm not surprised, but that's not going to work for me today. "It's your sister, Miranda. What do you want to do?" 

Again, I can see her relief. Miranda has no poker face.

"Lanteia, we'll follow Niket's suggestion," she said. "Our team will take a car and draw their attention. Have Niket escort the family to the shuttle. Give him full access to the family's itinerary, just to be safe." 

"Understood, Ms. Lawson." 

"So, the plan is for us to get shot down by Eclipse while your sister gets to safety?" Garrus clarifies. Miranda tenses but before she can snap at him, he continues. "Good. I would do the same thing for my sister." 

I can tell that surprises Miranda but she nods and takes it in stride. "Eclipse will be under orders to take my sister alive. They won't risk anything that could kill us." 

"I doubt Eclipse will send all their people just to stop you, though," I note. "Do you want to give Niket any backup?" 

"Niket can take care of himself. Besides, any armed backup just draws attention to him." 

"Alright then. I'm ready whenever you are, Miranda." 

She thanks Lanteia who gives us access and directions to a decoy car and then leads us back out of the private room and through the clubs. "Thank you, Shepard. I appreciate this. I hadn't planned on Eclipse, but they never planned on you." 

"That's a badass line, Miranda, thanks." 

"I...have to thank you as well, Garrus," she offers, looking over my head. It's sincere but sounds like it might be painful for her to say. "I know you're not a fan of last minute changes and especially not when they could endanger Shepard. I have a great appreciation for your need to protect her right now." 

"Try to have some of that rub off on Shepard for me, would ya?" he quips, even giving Miranda a wink. That's a good sign; he's being genuinely nice to her, so I think he might have decided he likes her. It's for the best, at least while we're working together. 

We get into the decoy car, and I let Garrus drive mostly because I've been thinking about him behind the wheel since yesterday. He guides us smoothly into traffic, following directions Lanteia gave us. 

"Damn it," Miranda snaps from the backseat. "Eclipse mercenary gunships. They'll be dropping troops into the cargo area.” 

She's right; we watch four of them zoom past us and land right where Garrus is taking us. And it's not like he has a choice to take us somewhere else. 

"Let's hope they really do want to take us alive," Garrus mutters, lowering the skycar. 

The moment we're in view, mercs are shooting at us. It stops when one of the mercs starts waving his arms and ordering the others to stand down, but we've already taken some hits. Garrus manages to find enough space that we can get out and right into cover, but it's bumpy thanks to the damage. 

"You okay?" he checks. 

"Yeah, you did good. One of them is headed this way," I note, motioning through the windshield. 

Miranda leans forward. "He's probably in charge since the others are listening to him. Might as well see what he has to say." I agree so we climb out and approach the merc leader. "Since you're not firing, I assume you know who I am." 

"They said you'd be in the car," he replies, way too heavy on the swagger and the cologne. "You're the bitch that kidnapped our boss' little girl. 

The words strike me, but Miranda just barks out a laugh. "Kidnapped?! This doesn't involve you. I suggest you take your men and go." 

The merc leader laughs right back at her. "You think you've got it all lined up, huh? Captain Enyala's already moving in on the kid. She knows about Niket, too. He won't be helping you." 

"What do you mean Niket won't be helping?" Garrus asks, standing close behind my shoulder. I imagine having this many mercs a few feet away from me is driving him up a wall...not that he would understand that idiom. 

"Nothing you need to worry about, bird," the merc snaps. I nearly get distracted by that. I also nearly lunge at him but Garrus anticipates that and plants a heavy hand on my shoulder. "Nobody's going to get killed unless you do something stupid. You walk away now, the girl goes back to her father, and everybody's happy." 

"Hang on a second here," I interrupt. "He keeps saying girl, Miranda. You said she was your twin sister." 

Miranda blanches, and I nearly lunge at her this time. 

The merc leader laughs, the sound harsh. "That what she told you? No, this crazy bitch kidnapped our boss' baby daughter. He's been looking for her for more than a decade." 

"It's complicated, Shepard," she urges. "We share the same DNA, just not the same birthday." 

Fuck. I'm so tired of Miranda operating in secrets and half truths. If there wasn't an innocent life in danger here, I'd rip her a new one. I can always do that back on the ship, though.

"You took a baby from the richest guy in the galaxy, lady," the merc says to Miranda, looking at her like she's scum. "I don't know what your damage is, but you're not getting away with it." 

"Shouldn't we be talking to Captain Enyala about this?" Garrus asks. "Not her little errand boy?"

"You don't want to talk to the captain. She's not as polite as I am." Oh, I can't wait to shoot this guy. "She's the best commando I've ever seen. I've watched her tear people in half with her biotics. And she's getting paid a lot to stop you." 

Miranda steps into the merc's face. She's got guts, I'll give her that. "She gets in my way, she'll never have a chance to spend it." 

"You're not getting Miranda's sister," I chime in. "If you push this, it'll go badly for you." Miranda gives me a grateful nod and takes her place behind my left shoulder. The merc chooses to take that as an opportunity to step into my space. Big mistake. 

"Captain Enyala ordered us to give you once chance to walk away," the merc leader says. "But this whole time we've been talking, my men have been lining up shots. When I say the word, we unleash hell on your squad. So I suggest you walk away nicely unless - " 

I signal Garrus with just a fist, down at my side, and in the blink of an eye, Garrus has snapped the merc leader's neck. He falls in a heap at my feet. At the same time, I fire at an explosive crate on a carrier above some of the mercs, and when it crashes to the ground, several Eclipse get blown away. 

All hell breaks loose as the three of us break for cover, engaging the remaining Eclipse. We have a significant combination of biotics, tech skills, and firepower between us. This is one of my best ground squads; I'd take it more often if Miranda was honest and didn't instigate fights with Garrus so often. As it is, we push through the cargo area and around the end of the space. There's a door but as we open it, a radio on a dead Eclipse goes off. Miranda grabs it but turns and hands it to Garrus. He looks surprised for a moment and then nods. "I'll see if I can patch in and figure out what we're up against." 

He steps aside to fiddle with it, the radio badly cracked so I'm not hopeful, and Miranda approaches me. "Shepard, I think I owe you an explanation. Oriana is my twin, genetically. But my father...grew her when I was a teenager. She was meant to replace me. I couldn't let my father do to her what he did to me. So I rescued her." 

"Miranda, what about me made you believe I wouldn't say yes if you told me the truth?" She opens her mouth and then closes it again, unable to answer. "Forget it. Why didn't you tell me we were saving a kid?"

"She's not a child; she'll be nineteen this year. But...well, it didn't seem relevant at the time, I suppose." 

"Fine. Now try again with the truth, or I'll call this whole thing off and you can save your sister on your own." I cross my arms over my chest and lean into one hip, sure that Miranda knows me well enough to recognize it as a challenge. 

"Okay. There are people who would use her against me. I'm very protective when it comes to Oriana." She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you sooner. You deserved to know." 

I shake my head. "I can understand choosing to go your own way, but you stole a child from her father." 

"Shepard, if you knew my father, you'd understand," she all but growls. "I wasn't the first one he made, I was only the first he kept. I was brought up with no friends, pushed to meet impossible demands. I wasn't a daughter to him, I was...I don't know what I was." 

Garrus grunts at the radio, my attention flicking to him. And it stays there when I consider Miranda's words. Turians have strict standards - a meritocracy and maintaining the most powerful military force in the galaxy demands it - but Garrus's father put pressure on him that doesn't sound normal or necessary the more I hear about it. Garrus is left now as an adult with no connection to his dad, feeling like a tool or a means instead of a son. 

"Oriana has had a normal life," Miranda presses. "I made the right decision." 

I believe her. 

"This thing is shot," Garrus tells us, motioning with the radio before tossing it aside like the trash that it is. "Sorry, I can't fix it." 

"No worries, it was a long shot." I take a breath, getting my mind off of my future Turian children and their relationship with their grandparents. Wow, I have changed. "If Eclipse knows where Oriana is, they'll be moving in on her soon. We need to hurry." 

Miranda nods. "I'm a bit worried by what the merc said. If they've gotten to Niket somehow, this is going to be harder than I'd planned." 

"I hope your friend can be trusted," Garrus says. 

"Absolutely. Niket is one of my oldest friends." She shrugs a little, clearly vulnerable, and says, "I guess you could say he was my only real friend. He's the only person I didn't cut ties with when I left my father." 

"Is there a chance your father could be using Niket to get to you?" I almost hate to ask, but it has to happen. 

"I'm sure he's tried, but Niket's one of the few people who understands what my father is really like. I trusted him with my life when I ran. He won't betray me." 

I motion toward the doors again. "Then let's go find Niket and Oriana." 

We head through the doors and into the next cargo area. It starts in a hallway created by stacks of shipping containers. There's a conveyor line in the cargo area, so we have to work around the moving pieces while shooting at Eclipse on the other side. At range, Garrus is the most effective of us, so Miranda and I use our biotics as we can to lower shields for him. 

I have the team stay on our side of the conveyor belt and let the Eclipse come to us. It means we can basically funnel the poorly trained assholes. The three of us have very little issue wiping out the entire squad before continuing through. 

As we round the belt and proceed on the other side, a woman's voice comes over the comms. "This is Enyala. Keep the bitch back! Niket is nearing the transport terminal." 

We continue pushing through the open shipping containers, and face off with several LOKI mechs on the other side. Just beyond that, the conveyor belt continues and divides us from the mercs yet again. 

"I don't care how many mechs you lose!" Enyala cries over the comms. "Just stall them, damn it!" 

We hurry to cover, and I choose the bed of a truck. The cargo gives me cover and the elevated position is an advantage. Once again, we stay in cover and remain patient. And once again, we're successful. 

Enyala comes over the comms again as we get to the other side of the conveyor belt. "Divert everyone except my guard from Niket. I'll handle him and the kid personally." 

"Damn it! I'm not letting her get Oriana." 

"No, we're not," I agree. "Double time!" 

We rush forward, reaching another conveyor belt and diving headlong into that fight. The Eclipse on the other side this time have a lot of cover, so the fight takes enough time that I can see Miranda start to crawl out of her skin. I'm not surprised when she says, "We can push over to the other side and get through here faster." 

"Negative," I reply, keeping my tone calm. "We'll be too exposed on the way around and it's too reckless. We're staying at here until we're clear." 

Miranda confirms softly, but at least she confirms. And I can't blame her for being so worried. Garrus, however, makes a point of giving me a sweet little grin. "You're being cautious. I'm grateful." 

"I do listen to you, big guy. Physical pain." His smile grows, making my heart skip, and I nod to him as we refocus on the battle. The strategy works yet again, and we clear out the Eclipse, cut through the cargo line, and then push forward. 

In the next space is the elevator we'll need to use to meet Oriana and cut the Eclipse off from her. Eclipse are guarding it, of course. "Commander," EDI says, coming in over our comms. "Eclipse operatives have attempted to delay you by disabling the elevators. I am overriding their lockdown." 

"We don't have time for this," Miranda snaps. She shoots a crate that goes up with a bang, taking out several Eclipse around it. We're left with several more though, including one merc who has a rocket launcher. Dodging rockets and their biotics in such close quarters is a challenge but we manage it. 

As we clear the way to the elevator, Enyala comes over the comms again and says, "Niket has reached the terminal. He'll switch the family over to our transport." 

"Niket?" Miranda's steps falter. "But...that can't be right." 

I exchange a glance with Garrus who is obviously skeptical and we step onto the elevator. I know why Garrus is so suspicious; he's been betrayed by and knows how easily that sort of thing can happen. I'm not a fan of him seeing it again and having that dark part of him confirmed, but I force myself to focus on Miranda for now. Especially since she's pacing the elevator while Garrus pushes the button for it to take us up. 

"Or maybe it means something else," Miranda is musing. "Niket wouldn't do that. Damn it, why would this thing go any faster?"

She smacks the elevator with her Omni-Tool, sending sparks. We keep moving but she clearly did some damage. 

"Miranda, my skill set is significant but it does not include elevator repair," Garrus warns her. She mumbles an apology and whirls away, but Garrus isn't pissed so he lets it go. 

"What makes you so sure that Niket wouldn't turn on you?" I press her. 

"He could have turned on me when I ran away. I'm sure my father tried to buy him off. If he didn't know it then, why would he do it now." 

"Well, did he know that you took Oriana from your father?"

She shakes her head. "No, just found out about that recently." I give her a look but Miranda just shakes her head again, staying firm. "It was too personal to involve anyone else. I never really thought about it, but maybe...no. He'd have to understand why I did it. He knows what I went through." 

"You know him, Miranda," I allow, shrugging. "If you don't think he'd betray you, then I'm sure there's an explanation." Part of me wants to signal Garrus to keep quiet and not get pessimistic, but I choose to trust him and I'm rewarded. He makes the right choice and says nothing. Like any good leader would. 

"I don't know, damn it!" Miranda growls, throwing her hands up. "But I guess we'll find out soon enough. And I'll have a word with this Captain Enyala." 

The elevators comes to a stop, but doors don't move. They're stuck, and Garrus narrows his eyes at Miranda. She opens her mouth but then he quickly shushes her and points toward the door. He's right; we can hear voices on the other side. 

"Listen to me," a man says. Miranda nods to me, signaling that voice belongs to Niket. "I've got authorization to change their booking." 

"I'm sorry, sir," a woman responds to him. "We're under security lockdown. Until the situation in the cargo terminal is resolved, no passengers can be rebooked." 

"This isn't worth my time, Niket," another woman chimes in. The snark suggests merc so I imagine that's Enyala. "I get paid regardless of how the girl gets there." 

"No!" Niket protests. "I was told that I could handle this my way. We're not traumatizing the family anymore than we - " 

The elevator jerks, sending my stomach into my boots, but I recover before the doors open and manage to walk out smoothly. None of us draws a weapons which I'm sure Garrus hates, but they don't either. Enyala doesn't even get down from the cargo crate she's sitting on. 

"Miri," Niket greets her, surprise written plainly all over his face. 

"This should be fun," Enyala quips. Now she jumps to her feet and the moment she reaches for her hip, Garrus whips out his rifle. I follow his lead and Miranda takes mine, so the three of us are armed and facing Enyala's pretty massive shotgun. Niket just looks terrified. 

The poor transport officer who they were talking to before the elevator opened takes off running. Enyala doesn't hesitate to shoot her in the back and I very nearly shoot her for that. Bitch. 

"Niket," Miranda snaps. "You sold me out."

"How do you want to handle this, Miranda?" I ask her. Our options include shooting them, injuring them, or incapacitating them as long as Enyala is holding that damn gun. But I'm willing to let Miranda continue calling the shots. 

"Why, Niket?" she demands. "You were my friend. You helped me get away from my father." 

"Yes! Because you wanted to leave. That was your choice!" Niket shakes his head. "But if I'd known that you'd stolen a child - " 

"I didn't steal her! I rescued her!" 

Niket scoffs. "From a life of wealth and happiness? You weren't saving her, you were getting back at your father!"

Miranda just snarls at that, so I ask, "How did Miranda's father turn you?" 

"They told me Miranda kidnapped her baby sister all those years ago, They said I could help get her back peacefully, no trauma to the family," Niket explains. He looks to Miranda and continues, "I told them you'd never do that. That they could go to hell. Then you finally told me what you'd done, and I called them back that night." 

"Why didn't you call me, Niket?" Miranda asks. "We've been through a lot. You couldn't at least let me explain." 

"I deserved to know that you'd stolen your sister, Miri. I deserved to know you were with Cerberus. But I had to hear it from your father first." 

This time it's Garrus who scoffs. "You're not as noble as you'd like us to believe, Niket. How much is Miranda's father paying you?" 

Niket blinks and then admits, "A great deal." At least he's honest.

"Damn it, Niket! You were the only one I trusted from that life!" Miranda is practically shaking now, managing to hold her gun steady somehow when I can feel her trembling beside me. 

"He knew you felt that way. That's why he bought me," Niket says, not helping himself. 

"So you just took his money." 

Niket steps forward now, losing a bit of his own control. "Don't get holy with me, Miri. You took his money for years." 

I have to interject now. This is getting petty. "Whether or not you agree with Miranda, Oriana has been with her family for years now." 

"Her father can still give her a better life," Niket argues. I know better than to believe that money equals happiness. My family were farmers and we had a truly happy childhood; Miranda grew up with access to anything she wanted and is still suffering from the trauma. 

"You don't know what my father wants for her," Miranda counters, "but he wants to take a girl away from the only family she's ever known. Doesn't that tell you what he really is?" 

Niket doesn't answer. That's probably best for him at this point. 

Enyala is apparently done being left out and she clears her throat obnoxiously. Garrus growls at her. "I knew Eclipse was willing to get their hands dirty, but kidnapping a kid? That's Blue Suns shit." 

"I'm not stealing her," she snaps. "I'm rescuing her. Come on, Niket. Let's finish this bitch off and get out of here." 

"Take your best shot," Miranda retorts. 

"I was just waiting for you to finish getting dressed. Or does Cerberus really let you whore around in that outfit?" Enyala snarks. 

I manage to control myself, but can't even be mad that Garrus can't this time. "I changed my mind," he tells us. "I like her. Are we still recruiting?" 

"We can still resolve this peacefully," I interject before my squadmates can start shooting at each other. Damn Turian is a born troublemaker; why do I like that so much about him? "If you're working for Miranda's father, that means he knows about Oriana. We need to find a new solution." 

"Miranda's father has no information about Oriana," Niket tells us. "I knew you had spy programs in your father's system, Miri, so I kept it private. I'm the only one who knows." 

Miranda takes a shaky breath. "Which means that you're the only loose end. This isn't how I wanted it to end, Niket. I'm going to miss you." 

"Miranda, wait!" I grab her gun and direct it up before she can make a huge mistake. "You don't want to do this." 

She gives me a dumbfounded look. "This has to end here, Shepard. My father will keep trying to find Oriana." 

"Maybe Niket can help," I suggest. "He can talk to your father. Just say that you got here first." 

Niket is shaking now, apparently deciding that his money and morals aren't worth getting shot for. "I'll...I'll tell him that you hid her. That I don't know where she is." 

There's a pause while Miranda considers it, and I don't know what way she'll go. If she decides to kill him with her biotics, I won't be able to stop it. 

Finally, she lowers her gun and says, "I never wanna see you again, Niket." 

A bang startles me and Niket hits the ground a split second later, a gaping hole in his chest. "Done," Enyala announces, her shotgun barrel smoking. "Now if you don't mind, I have a shipment to deliver." 

Miranda moves before I can, hitting the Asari bitch with her biotics. It freezes her, Enyala's entire body seizing, and lifts her several feet off the ground. Like I needed a reminder that my biotics are crap in comparison to every other biotic on my team. 

"You'll die for that, bitch!" Miranda screams. She then hits her with another blast and sends Enyala flying to the other end of the cargo area. 

"Get cover!" I call, Miranda and Garrus moving immediately while Enyala gets to her feet shooting and a entire squad of Eclipse joins her in the fight. It's a damn hard fight, too. 

Enyala keeps her distance which makes hitting her harder than I'd like, and she's talented as hell. "Garrus, can you focus on Enyala?" I call to him. "You're probably the only one with the reach to nail her." 

"I love when you talk about my reach," he quips, already obeying the order. 

"I do not love when you make me blush during a firefight," I reply even though he knows as well as I do that it's a complete lie. Garrus just laughs and I make a mental note to find a new way to get back at him. 

We work together, Miranda and I teaming up to handle most of the Eclipse squad while Garrus has to contend with the distance and Enyala's significant barriers. Eventually, we all prevail, and none of us is any worse for the wear when it's over. 

"There could be more Eclipse mercs near the shuttle," Miranda notes, jumping up. "I want to make sure Oriana and her family get on safely." 

I agree and we head for the doors quickly. Garrus pauses at the last minute and swerves toward a crate. He picks up something that I can't see until it's dangling from his talon. A necklace...a locket, I realize when he brings it closer. I pop it open and show Garrus the picture inside of an Asari and a human man. It doesn't look expensive but it's obviously well loved. 

"Maybe you could give it to Liara and she can find the owner," he suggests, already stepping away from me like he has to get away from just the mention of Liara. 

The elevator arrives and we step inside. Miranda starts pacing the box immediately, and Garrus steps in front of the console to protect it.

"I can't believe Niket sold me out," she laments. "I didn't even see it coming." 

"You couldn't have," I assure her. "Even with all your updates, you're human just like the rest of us." 

"But I let it get personal, and I screwed up. Why didn't you let me kill him?" she demands, whirling to face me. "I could have handled that. But watching him get gunned down by that Asari bitch..." 

"Miranda, you would've regretted it. You still cared for him, even if he betrayed you." 

I can't help but think about Garrus's grudge against Sidonis as Miranda looks down, considering my words I hope. Garrus still spends hours looking over reports from all over the galaxy for anything that might be about Sidonis. I can't help but wonder if he'll regret whatever happens when we do find it. 

I know that I made the right call with Miranda. She may believe she could have handled killing him, but it would have eaten at her forever. Miranda obviously doesn't make a lot of connections, and murdering one of them was not a good choice. 

"You're right," she agrees finally. "And my father knew it. He used that against me." Okay, maybe not agreeing so much as whining. "It's always been like this, Shepard. My father gave me everything I ever wanted, but there was always a hook - an angle for his long-term plan. I threw away everything he every gave me when I ran. Except Niket. Weakness on my part." 

I shake my head, trying to control my tone. "That's not healthy, Miranda. You cannot toss aside everything you care about just to be safe." 

"It's okay, Shepard," she replies, waving that off. "My father hurt me, but he didn't break me. As much as he tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted...I'm my own person." 

"Was Niket the last loose end?" Garrus asks. 

Miranda nods. "I cut ties with everyone else. Anyone I'm close to now works for Cerberus or...is the two of you." 

"You still have Oriana," I remind her. 

"My father didn't give her to me, I rescued her. But yes, you're right. I still have something." She manages a small smile, a little peace appearing in her eyes. "Thank you." 

We get to the transportation hub and do a quick sweep of the area before meeting back up. There's no threat here; Oriana and her family will be just fine. We watch the girl and her family talking, Oriana definitely the spitting image of a younger Miranda. God, her father is a total creep. 

"There she is," Miranda breathes, the relief tangible. "She's safe...with her family. Okay. We should go." 

"Don't you even want to say hello?" I ask. 

"It's not about what I want, it's about what's right for her," Miranda counters, already shaking her head. "The less she knows about me, the better. She's got a family, a life. I'll just complicate that for her." 

Shit, is everyone on my squad dysfunctional?

"She doesn't need any details, but would it really be so bad for her to know that she has a sister who loves her?" Miranda watches her sister, still hesitating, and I take a breath. 

I've learned in the last few months that getting vulnerable benefits me, but it's not easy. It's worth it though if it helps someone else. 

"Look, I know what it's like to lose family but more importantly, I know about living - and dying - with regrets because of what you didn't say, the connections you didn't make." I can feel Garrus shift from behind me and resist the urge to reach for him. "I promise the restraint isn't worth it." 

Miranda takes a breath and nods. "I guess you're right..." 

"Go. We'll meet you on the ship." Miranda nods and thanks me, and then turns and heads for her sister. I wait and watch for just a moment, making sure that Miranda doesn't turn and run, but when Oriana smiles, I decide it's time for our exit. 

And the moment I look up at Garrus, I know it's time for something else too. His gaze is intense. "Never wanted you to have regrets, kid," he breathes. 

"It was my fault," I remind him. "And I like to think I'm resolving that issue this time around." 

Garrus smiles and nods, tugging my earlobe gently. "Wanna get back to the ship? And hopefully back to bed?"

"Yes I do, but we need to make a stop before going to bed." I take his hand and lead Garrus back to the ship, my heart in my throat the whole way. Part of me is worried that this is going to freak him out even as the other part fears that it'll get his hopes up and we'll end up hurt. Still, it needs to be done. Family matters, and we cannot live or die with regrets. 

"Mordin?" Garrus asks as we approach the door to the tech room. "We can talk about a threesome but I'm surprised at your choice." 

"Garrus!" I scold him even while laughing. He shrugs innocently and follows me through the door, forcing me to swallow down thoughts of a threesome to focus. "Hey, Mordin. Got a second?"

"Of course," he answers, turning from his console - I swear, he never actually stops working - to look at us. "What can I help with?"

Mordin promised never to speak about our special projects, and I trust him. The guy was a professional spy and special agent, after all. There is absolutely nothing in his demeanor to give him away even in front of Garrus with his super senses and visor. I need to take notes from him. And I need to never play poker with him. 

"It's time to let Garrus in on Project Proteins," I tell our Salarian genius. 

"Excellent. I have progress to share." 

"Wait, really?" My heart skips in my chest and I feel my hand clench around Garrus's fingers. I wasn't expecting that, just to let Garrus know that the project exists. But progress already? That's...

Garrus clears his throat. "Can I get let in, please?"

"Commander brought me a challenge. Procreation between different species. Asked for solution." Mordin, ever the eloquent one. It gets the point across though, and after a beat to decipher, I hear Garrus's breath catch. 

"Procreation," he echoes slowly. "You mean...us?" 

I look up at him and admit, "I asked Mordin to figure out if it could ever be possible for you and I to have a baby of our own. I know it's a long shot but it's important to both of us and - " 

"Yes, possible." 

"What?" It comes out of me in an embarrassing squeak, my heart jumping into my throat and leaving no room for my voice. Garrus squeezes my hand so hard that it hurts but I can't release him; I think that hold on my hand is the only stopping me from shaking right out of my boots. "It's...it's possible?"

Mordin nods and reaches for a datapad. His desk is extremely neat; Garrus must love it in here. And it really makes me look like a slob. But I'll be a slob right now if it means my crew's scientist and resident genius has figured out a way to give me Garrus's baby. 

"Human and Turian amino acids, incompatible. Bodies reject incompatible proteins. Human uterus would reject fetus with Turian proteins." 

"Reject...that does not sound good," Garrus notes, still squeezing my hand just as tight but now running his thumb over my knuckles. That helps.

"No, not good," Mordin agrees. Brilliant, and cannot read a room. He's just so damn loveable, though. And the bright look in his eyes when he looks up from the datapad makes my heart skip. "May have solution. Can give mother dextro protein shots, encourage body to accept proteins. Slow. Will take time. Not certain. But possible." 

"Give Shepard shots of dextro amino acids?" Garrus clarifies, saying it slowly. "Isn't that dangerous? I mean, sure she can handle food and...other proteins. But this seems more intense than that." 

"Wait," I interject, holding up a hand to cut Mordin off. Fighting the smile that wants to explode across my face is becoming painful. "I just need a minute to enjoy the fact that Mordin just referred to me as a mother." 

Garrus pauses for a moment, replaying the conversation I think, and then pulls me against him. He presses his mouth to the top of my head, his hands squeezing my upper arms. I feel a tremor rock through him and I'm so glad I decided to bring him in on this project today. 

"Risks exist," Mordin continues, his tone kind of soft. Garrus wraps an arm around my shoulder, and I lean into his chest. I need the support to keep from just passing out right here. Someone just called me a mother. Holy shit. "Human body will experience symptoms. Pain, nausea, fever. May be mild, could be severe. However, Commander's body unique." 

Garrus makes a noise in his chest that earns a swat to his arm. This is not the time for sex jokes, no matter how much I enjoy them. 

"Theorize cybernetics will enhance adoption and adaptation. Solution may be impossible in other humans. In Commander, may be possible." Mordin puts a hand up, his face growing serious again. "Do not want to get hopes up. Only theory, all testing. Not ready for shots. May need years to work." 

"That's okay!" I assure him.

"Yeah, honestly it's more than enough that you've done this much, Mordin. We're so grateful." 

"And if it takes years, it takes years. It's not like we're ready for babies until the Reapers are done anyway." 

Mordin chuckles - the first time I've ever heard him laugh. "Yes, best not to bring infant into battle. Even Turian infant." We all get a laugh about that, but now Garrus is getting a little more handsy. I'm certain Mordin is oblivious, but Garrus running his hands over my waist - even in my armor - sends a very clear message to me. And it's a message I cannot wait to receive more directly. 

"Mordin, you're amazing. Thank you." 

"Of course," he replies, nodding. "Career rewarding. STG, important work. Made difference. Never time for family." He pauses and takes a slow breath. "Should have made time. Don't miss chances." 

I feel pretty damn gobsmacked, and Garrus doesn't move so I know that he's in the same place. Mordin never talks himself unless he's talking about the operations he's been part of. This was incredibly personal. And it makes what he's doing for us that much more incredible. We thank him again and then leave the Tech Lab, Garrus's arm still firmly around my shoulders. 

"Please tell me you don't have anything to do right now and you're not hungry," Garrus purrs, dropping his head to speak into my ear. "I need the rest of the day and all night with you. Inside you." 

"I need nothing but your cock," I inform him. Garrus growls and nips my ear before grabbing my hand and dragging me at almost a run all the way to the elevator. I'm pretty grateful we don't pass anyone on the way but nothing could distract me anyway. Not when Garrus is in this mood. 

The moment the elevator doors open, Garrus drives me into the back wall and kisses me hard. His hands plant on the wall at either side of my head and the sound of our armor plates creaking as we rub against one another turns me on far more than it should. "I've wanted to fuck you in your armor since the first time I saw you in it," he growls, grabbing my ponytail and yanking my head back. "And then you painted your armor these colors...my colors. Damn. I wanna make you fucking scream." 

I whine something that even I can barely understand, and Garrus drags his tongue up the column of my throat. I feel his hands unlatch the armor at my groin and then I hear it hit the door. I'm only grateful that the elevators are slow when it give Garrus time to slice through a hole through my BDUs. "You wet for me, baby?" He gets the answer for himself when he slips his fingers inside me, and he groans deeply. "I can still feel my seed inside you." 

Garrus whirls us around just as the elevator doors open, and then he's pushing me into the wall in the hallway, smoothly kicking my plate out with us. He's just as smooth when he rips off his own codpiece and throws it aside. My head is spinning and then the rest of me too when Garrus spins me around. "Hands on the wall," he orders. "Bend forward." 

Sometimes Garrus can be so passionate, intense and romantic. Sometimes he's incredibly intimate, breaking down my walls expertly. But sometimes he's mindless and focused only on getting inside me, no foreplay and no preamble. This is one of those times, and it's just as hot as his passion or his intimacy. This unbelievably hot man can think of nothing except me, and it drives me wild. 

I can't feel him coming, can't tell where his hands are, so my only warning is Garrus kicking my legs further apart. And then he's inside me, hard and so deep it takes my breath away. Garrus snarls and pulls almost all the way out before snapping his hips forward. One of my arms falters and I get a sharp smack to the ass for it. "Brace yourself," he growls at me. "Hold still." 

I lock my elbows and Garrus gets to work, fucking me so hard my head spins. It's hard to find finesse when we have armor on, and I don't care at all because his cock is magnificent and he wants me desperately. He growls my name and leans over my back to plant his hand on the wall above my head, only going faster. I have to bite my lip to keep from screaming, the small part of my mind that's still clinging to rational thought afraid that the hallway isn't as soundproof as my cabin seems to be. I don't need everyone who gets on the elevator to know that Garrus makes me scream. 

Garrus doesn't have the same rational side right now, though. He's growling my name and his balls are slapping obscenely off of me, and then he stills deep inside me and almost roars. His whole body shakes through his orgasm, Garrus spilling into me just outside the elevator and in our armor. He couldn't wait to get me undressed, couldn't wait until we got inside my quarters. He needed me right here and now, and with his cum dripping down the inside of my thighs, I have never felt sexier. 

"Fuck, baby," he murmurs, ducking his face into my throat. "You make me wild." 

"Good. Can I make you naked, sir?"

Garrus laughs and straightens, spinning me around to face him. He kisses me once and then leans down to pick up our armor pieces before motioning through the door ahead of me. He puts them down on my desk because he can't just throw them aside, but tosses himself down onto the couch. "Tell you what, my love." With his erection standing proud between his heavily armored legs, a bead of his cum dripping slowly down the shaft, everything about Garrus screams sex. "You get naked for me, and then I'll let you get me naked." 

Oh. Strip for him? That's...a lot. I've healed a lot since the first I got naked with him in this new body, but the scars are still present. They're still ugly. 

But like with everything else that Garrus introduces me to, there is arousal and interest mixed with the fear. Garrus just went wild for me in the hallway, desperate with his need for me. Having that fresh on my mind - and having his cum still inside me, still leaking into my armored legs - makes the fear and insecurity fade. The lust blazing in his eyes makes my core clench, and it's that high I choose to ride. 

I leave Garrus on the couch and head for desk, where I strip out of my armor and leave it haphazardly. After our little spat this morning, the sloppy pile of armor pieces makes me smile. I then reach for the automated controls and lower the lights, leaving us with only the fish tank's glow. I also start music, something slow but with a heavy beat and the sultry voice of a Turian guy. I only need a couple lines to know this song is just right for setting the mood. I pull my hair down and then step back into Garrus's view, wearing nothing but my skin-tight BDUs. 

Garrus hasn't moved except to lean a little, resting one elbow on a pillow. He has one foot on the floor and the other up on the couch with his knee bent. How he makes being in a complete set of heavy armor look so casual and so sexy look is beyond me. Granted, his cock laying thick and heavy against his stomach helps with the appeal. 

"How do you make military standard BDUs look so damn good, Shepard?" Garrus asks, his eyes trailing over me hot and sharp while he mirrors my thoughts. He motions to the room and says, "I like this. You realize you could have just dropped your clothes in a pile and I'd be drooling for you, right?" 

"Oh, yeah? Well, then." I reach for the zipper at the collar of my BDUs and tug gently, bringing it down just a little. "Maybe we could just skip everything else I had in mind." 

Garrus's hips shift, his eyes firmly on my hand and the zipper. "What else did you have in mind?" I tug it down just another inch and his blue eyes flick up to mine. I recognize the change in his gaze and know that whatever comes next is an order. "Show me." 

Once again, he says exactly what I want to hear. 

That doesn't mean it's not intimidating. But instead of letting myself consider all the thoughts creeping at the edge of mine and threatening to make me put more clothes on instead of taking them off - Garrus's experience, my lack of experience, my scars, the other women who have been naked in front of him - I pay attention to the way he makes me feel. With Garrus looking at me, with his hands and mouth on me, I feel sexy. I feel like a woman. I feel like the only woman for him. 

It's easier with my eyes closed at first so I go with that, focusing on the pulse of the music and the ache between my thighs. The zipper comes down much more smoothly when I don't think so damn hard about it, and when it reaches my navel, I let go and trail my fingers back up my skin instead. I didn't realize that I was moving to the music until I feel the movement under my fingers in my abs. 

I get some relief when my fingers find lace between my breasts; I couldn't remember what I put on this morning, but I'm grateful it wasn't just a beat up old sports bra. Knowing that I'm dressed as appropriately for this as I can be, I open my eyes and immediately find Garrus. 

His blue eyes are blazing, sparking from all the way across the room. He's ditched his visor and I choose not to consider whether it's recording. Still just as sexy, Garrus is definitely not casual now and his cock is no longer just laying on his stomach, instead standing at attention with his hand wrapped tight around the base. God, he's beautiful. 

I watch him, taking in the view while pushing the BDUs off one shoulder slowly. I can see his eyes tracking every new inch of skin revealed and it gives me the courage to keep going, pulling both shoulders free but keeping the fabric over my arms so that my breasts aren't completely exposed to him. Yet. I let the music set the pace and Garrus's reaction direct my moves until I'm standing in front of him with only my lace boyshorts and a bra on, the BDUs discarded and Garrus stroking his dick steadily. 

Garrus beckons me with a finger but I stay where I am, continuing to dance and letting my hands trail all the places I know Garrus wants to touch me himself. His growl starts to pick up when I press my breasts together, and when I move one hand down instead to dip inside my panties, he shifts to sit up. "Come here," he breathes. 

I shake my head and turn my back to him, reaching behind my back so that he can watch me undo my bra before I let it fall to the floor. Without turning back to him, I continue to dance, closing my eyes again when I don't have his gaze to give me confidence. I know he's coming only because I feel the air spark to life seconds before his hands skim down my back. I turn back to him. "Can I get you out of this armor so you can dance with me, sir?"

"Please do," he murmurs. I can strip Garrus in basically no time now, having memorized where all the releases on his armor are, but I take my time instead. It gives me a chance to explore and tease every inch of him, slipping my fingers between his plates and massaging his muscles. I keep my mouth off of him and I avoid his dick completely, so by the time Garrus is completely naked in front of me, his cock is swollen and his growl has become constant. He maintains complete control though, until I wrap my arms around his neck and grind my body slowly against his.

Garrus' hands hold my lower back, then move up to hold the back of my shoulders while our hips rock together and to the music. I press my mouth to his neck and nip lightly before dragging my tongue, lifting up onto my toes to reach his jaw. Garrus slides his hands down to my ass and squeezes, then rolls his hips to give me just a taste of friction. I slip my hand under his fringe and pull him down to me, but I avoid his kiss and lick along his mandible instead. 

I turn in his arms and roll my ass into him, Garrus's strong hands running up my waist and to my breasts. We continue to dance, his cock throbbing against my ass and my panties getting wetter by the moment. As much as I'm loving this, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. And then as if he can read my mind, Garrus slips his hand into the front of my panties and between my legs. 

He practically whimpers in my ear, nipping the lobe. "So wet, baby." He presses a finger through my lips, slipping over my clit. "You feel so good. A tight, hot little home for my cock." 

"Mmm. You feel amazing inside me." I rock back into him and reach up to wrap my arm around the back of his head, finding that soft spot under his fringe. "But that's not where I want you tonight." 

There's a moment where he hesitates, cocking his head like he's confused, and my heart thumps so hard it almost hurts. I couldn't decide how to tell him even if I want it, but I think I did pretty damn good. And when Garrus gets it, he nearly snarls and sinks his teeth into my shoulder, I cry out, the arousal erupting all at once. "Fuck, you are the perfect woman. Oh, Shepard..." He takes hold of the front of my throat and squeezes. "You're not ready for it. We need to train your ass a little further. But we'll get there." 

I swallow hard. "Train it?"

"Yeah, baby." He tugs my ear lob with his teeth. "I need to stretch you out, get you ready. I'm gonna make you feel so good." 

"I'm scared," I confess, leaning heavily back into him. "I want it, though." 

"I know," he murmurs, pulling me to move to the music again and wrapping both of his arms around me. "I've got you, Elle." Garrus rolls against me, his cock's natural lubricant letting it slip between my ass cheeks with ease. "We'll have fun getting there. And then you'll love this long, thick cock deep inside you, won't you? I'm gonna own you, baby. Every fucking inch of you...all mine." 

"Garrus...yes. I want it." 

"Mmhmm, damn right you do." Garrus moves me to turn around and kisses me hard, pulling me to walk with him to the couch. He sits, takes my panties off, and then guides me onto his lap, exploring my mouth like it's brand new to him. I can't help moving, grinding against his length and clinging to him. I want everything this man has to offer, I desperately want him to own me the way he just said, but my hands are already trembling. "Stop it. Right now I just want you to ride me, Shepard. C'mon baby, take me." 

I practically scramble up onto his cock and then sink down, both of us groaning after the torture to get here. "Damn, you're good." I lean back, putting my hands down on his knees and lifting my hips slowly. Garrus groans and runs his hands over my stomach, talons teasing the edges of my abs. 

"You're doing all the work, my love. Mmm and you got me so turned on dancing for me." He growls and pinches my nipples roughly. "Fuck, you're sexy." I don't have the mental capacity to respond with more than a moan, and that just turns into a cry when Garrus changes directions to play with my clit. "You're gonna make us both cum. Take us there, baby." 

"Garrus." I lean forward to press my forehead against his, holding him close while taking him hard and as deeply as I can, my ass bouncing off his thighs. He moans and shudders but keeps manipulating my clit perfectly with his fingers. 

"Harder," he orders. "Fuck me, Shepard." 

I grip his shoulders for leverage and follow his orders, abandoning my restraint and rational thought just like he did in the hallway to fuck him without focusing. Garrus grips my thighs to hold out without slowing me down and he cries my name before grunting and jerking his hips up sharply to cum inside me. It shoves me right over the edge and I slump against him, the orgasm gripping me violently. 

Before I come down, Garrus is standing and carrying me to the bed. I've barely gathered my senses before Garrus's tongue is between my legs, lapping the sensitive skin and delving deep. My spine arches and Garrus takes my thighs, pushing my legs back almost to my shoulders. I'm suddenly extremely exposed to him and I would be worried about that except then his tongue is in a totally new place. That hot, flexible, perfect tongue sends shockwaves all the way up my spine when he caresses my ass with it. 

"Oh...oh, Garrus!" It feels simultaneously like a violation and exquisite, a place that I had no idea was so sensitive or so pleasurable making me shake as Garrus licks and swirls and dips his tongue. My heart is racing and sparks are flying in my spine, and then Garrus pulls away and I hear myself make a pathetic whining noise. 

"Easy, baby," he chuckles at me. "I'm not done with you." He goes into the bedside table and comes back with the lube and my vibrator. "You need to listen to me. There are things we have to talk about if you want anal play." 

I huff out a laugh, wiggling my toes to try and ground myself. "You should have tried to talk to me before blowing my mind. Jesus." 

"Just a taste, Shepard," he purrs before leaning over and kissing me softly. "And part of the fun is that you have to listen while I keep doing it." Garrus crawls past me to lay on the bed and then pats the mattress in front of him, I scramble over, letting Garrus guide me under the blanket and then into his arms. He pulls my leg over his hip and kisses me slowly, leisurely. It's soft and so gently passionate that it distracts me from knowing the lube and vibrator are right there. The distraction might be a problem though since I nearly leap off the bed when Garrus reaches around the back of my thigh and his finger presses against my ass. His finger is cool enough for me to know that he's lubed it up, but it still doesn't feel natural to just let him in. 

"Relax, baby," Garrus murmurs against my mouth. He nips my bottom lip and then shifts to kiss along my jaw. "You've probably realized that this muscle right here," he presses against me, "is not known for relaxing easily. It takes work and practice and patience." 

"We both know I'm shit at patience," I remind him, loving the husky sound of my voice right now. Garrus grins against my ear and presses again, his finger slipping inside me and taking my breath away. 

"The most important thing is that you relax," he breathes. "Feel that? It's pressure, right?" 

I nod, trying to relax, and he growls so I quickly correct, "Yes. A lot of pressure." 

"Mmhmm." He continues to work his finger in further slowly, nipping my ear and then running his tongue slowly down my throat. He's absolutely nailing this whole relaxing me thing. "Pressure, but it doesn't hurt too badly. Does it?"

"I...no. It doesn't." That surprises me. I guess I sort of assumed that it would hurt or equated this much pressure with something that should hurt. But he's right and it's not actually painful. "Ohhhhh." When he presses in past his knuckle, his finger long and thick, it's damn good. 

"It shouldn't hurt more than at first or more than its pressure, baby. And I need you to remember that because this isn't the sort of thing where you should push through the pain. If this hurts, ever, you tell me to stop." He's working his finger around inside me, driving me wild, and he continues in a soft purr, "We'll work on stretching you out, softening you up. I'm going to fuck your ass, and by the time I do, you'll be ready. Okay?"

"Okay. Yes. Keep going." 

He laughs again. "Spirits, I love getting you like this. Making you squirm is a joy, baby." I whine again when he pulls away - again - but then he's back and that's definitely not his finger. The vibrator. It's thinner and shorter than his cock, so I get it for a next step type deal. But it's not small and oh shit. "Relax, baby," he whispers, returning to my mouth. "Let me make you feel good." 

I force myself to focus only on the kiss, and Garrus' free hand where he's tracing my spine. He's an exceptional kisser for someone from a species not meant to kiss, and I tell him as much against his mouth. He smiles and nips my lower lip again, soothing the bite with his tongue expertly. I melt into him when his tongue slips into my mouth again, and I'm too far relaxed to tense when Garrus eases the vibrator past the tight ring of my ass. 

"That's my girl," he murmurs, holding it still for a moment before slowly and steadily working it into my ass while continuing to kiss me. I'm forced to pull away when a cry explodes from me, intense waves of pleasure rolling through me and threatening to take my sanity with it. The pressure is intense, matched only by how goddamn good it feels. "Easy," Garrus purrs into my throat. "Feel good?"

"Yes." Or at least that's what I mean to say. It comes out as some garbled nonsense, my brain far too fried for conversation. 

Garrus's flawless focus is driving me nuts, too. I find his ability to maintain perfect control equal parts sexy and frustrating, and right now I need to even the playing field. I also need to distract myself a little if I'm going to stay relaxed. Grabbing his cock provides the distraction and proves Garrus is nowhere near as calm as he seems; his erection is as thick and hard as I've ever felt it, and he groans like it hurts the moment I touch him. 

"You're too fucking sexy," he growls thrusting into my hands while he finally starts to work the vibrator in and out of my ass, still moving slowly. "You have no idea how badly I want to pound into this perfect, tight ass and make you scream." 

"Oh, Garrus. I'm yours," I gasp out at him. "You can take me anyway you want." 

And I mean it. I would let him have me however he'd like, right now I would beg him for things I never imagined myself doing. He groans again when I press my thumb to the head of his dick, swirling the precum I find there. Garrus escalates by pressing the vibrator further into me, reaching the base before he pulls back and then repeats the process. It takes the breath from my lungs for a second, and then its...

"Holy shit, Garrus, yes. Yes!" I grip his cock with both my hands and jerk him steadily, squeezing my leg around his hips and trying to ground myself while Garrus is driving me wild. He growls and jerks my head back by my ponytail, dragging his teeth down my exposed throat. "Please cum," I beg him. "Wherever you want, all over me. Please." 

"Shit, Shepard," he growls, hips jerking hard in my hands. He moves the vibrator faster, I jerk him harder, and then my universe shatters. I'm vaguely aware that I scream and something sharp sinks into the top of my breast and something hot splashes onto my stomach. I come back to reality with the vibrator fully sheathed in my ass, Garrus's cum all over my stomach and thighs, and Garrus pulling his teeth slowly out of my skin. We're both panting, and Garrus moves back up to rest his forehead against mine. "I'm not even gonna try to pretend I'm not cocky as shit about earning your first anal orgasm." 

I laugh and kiss him. "You've earned every first in this body, remember? Yours in every way." 

"Damn, you know exactly how to turn me on," he breathes softly. Garrus kisses me slowly again and keeps me focused on his mouth while slowly pulling the vibrator back out carefully. There's a moment of slight pain as the final inch slips out, but even that feels pretty damn good. "We need a shower, but do me a favor and get up slowly. You might be a little sore or unsteady."

"You sound surprisingly well versed in this," I note with a laugh. 

Garrus laughs with me and shifts my leg back down, letting both of us start to climb out of bed. "We both know I top from the bottom sometimes. Does it make you uncomfortable that I've slept with men? Or that I'm pansexual?"

I roll away from him, realizing that he's right and I'm definitely a little sore. That's going to feel worse tomorrow, I think. "No, of course not. I'm..." I stop and look up at him, Garrus standing on the other side of the bed. "You know I'm bi, right? Most people figure it out but you're the only person I've been with since we met." 

"I knew," he tells me with a one shoulder shrug. "And if I hadn't known, I would have figured it out when you were checking Aria out." I laugh and this time I do the shrugging. "Lots of queers have an issue with men having sex with other men, though. Especially dominant men." 

"Those people suck," I inform him. "Honestly..." I look him over, ripped body and hard cock and just so damn hot. "As much as I want to watch you take a guy, there's something hot about picturing the reverse too." 

Garrus gives me a devilish grin and rounds the bed, pulling me up by the hand and then against him so I don't have to stand on my own shaky legs. "I can make that happen for you, if you want. We can either pick someone up on shore leave or I could arrange something with a friend I think you'd like." 

I lean up on my toes and nip the edge of his mandible. "Surprise me." 

It's a joy to feel this confident about sex again. I've always been sure about my sexuality and unashamed, fearless when it comes to enjoying sex. That's changed so much since I came back in a body that doesn't feel like mine. But Garrus has given my confidence back to me. He's made me even better, really, because now I remember that I'm not just a soldier who enjoys sex but a woman. I want to explore new things, and I want to do all of it with Garrus. 

"I love you," I tell him, wrapping my arms around his neck. Garrus shudders a little, closing his eyes like he needs to absorb the words, and then he sweeps his arm behind my knees to pull me into his chest. He carries me to the bathroom where we wash each other carefully. I really enjoy Garrus washing his own cum off of me, and he definitely enjoys me cleaning his cock. It doesn't escalate though; this is what we need right now. 

We crawl back into bed after, both of us naked, and meet in the middle of this oversized mattress. "Christmas is in a month," I tell him, fighting a yawn. "Maybe you and I can sneak away for a night. Get a hotel room on the Citadel." 

Garrus hums softly, pulling me close and rubbing my back. "Not that I would ever say no to a night in a hotel room with you, but don't you want to do something with the crew?"

"I'd love to," I tell him honestly, "but I'm not sure any of them but me and Joker has ever really done Christmas. It's sort of outdated on Earth now, and every colony is different. Plus aliens. I don't want to impose it on anyone, you know?"

I yawn again and Garrus presses his mouth to my forehead before tilting my head up with a talon under my chin. "We'll plan for Christmas another day. Get some sleep. You were amazing tonight." 

"You always are," I tell him honestly. He kisses me slowly, softly, and when our lips part, I can't manage to pull my eyes open again. I feel Garrus cup the back of my head and then guide my head to rest against his chest. He wraps his arms completely around me, giving me a perfectly safe little bubble to fall asleep in. "I want a good Christmas with you this year," I tell him, aware that I sound like I'm talking with a mouth full of marbles. I know he understands me, though. "We're doing things right this time." 

"You're damn right we are," he breathes, squeezing me close. "I'm never letting you go again, Shepard. Never." 

I fall asleep with a smile, more than happy to stay in his arms forever.


	28. Safe

"How do I always end up involved with your feet?"

Kasumi laughs at me and wiggles her super weird human toes. "You were made to be a footrest, Garrus. All your other skills are just secondary." 

"Sounds about right." She chuckles and stretches out further, putting her hands behind her head to stretch out her spine. The movement is innocuous but it's Kasumi, so she ends up drawing the attention of Jacob and Thane. And she knows it. "Bad girl," I tease her when she smirks and checks her fingernails. The human just winks at me. 

"It's not either of them she's trying to interest," Tali quips, leaning back in her own chair and playing a coding game on her Omni-Tool. She makes a nod toward the corner of the room, directing me to the human crewmen. Two have recovered but Hawthorne, secretly my favorite, is still watching Kasumi. It's sly enough for Hadley and Matthews to ignore but still obvious. And it's obvious to me that Kasumi angled her chair to give him a good view. 

"You and Hawthorne, huh?" 

She shrugs a little, and then her face falls a bit. "Nah, it's just fun to get attention. I...wouldn't go through with it." She clears her throat, and it hits me. I know exactly what the sort of discomfort is for. Been there. Kasumi has lost someone she loved. Toying with the idea of replacing that person and actually doing it are very different, and my jury is still out on whether or not it's actually a good thing. 

I squeeze her ankle and hope the message gets across. Kasumi meets my eyes for a moment and then nods just a little. Maybe I don't mind being a footrest. 

We're in the exercise and sparring room that Cerberus built into the ship. It's definitely a good addition and fits with the Turian design of the ship. It gets a bunch of usage with this crew, too. Although I have my concerns about Jack and Miranda getting down here alone someday and blowing right through the ship. At the moment, Jack is here using her powers for good and training Shepard with her biotics. 

I don't get to watch this often. Usually, she's down here while I'm calibrating systems or working on the Thanix. Today, I decided to watch. I don't regret it for a second. It's amazing to watch Shepard become even more powerful, and I'm enjoying watching Jack try to lead and teach without being an asshole. She tries, of course, but Shepard isn't having any of that. This is good for both of them. "Your girl's got skills," Kasumi murmurs. 

"I agree," Thane replies, popping up close enough all of a sudden that Kasumi startles. "Shepard is...very impressive." 

"The biotics or that ass you can't keep your eyes off of?" I ask, keeping my eyes on him. Hadley and Hawthorne snort laughter, and Kasumi covers her mouth to hide her little squeak, but Thane manages to mostly keep his cool. He blinks slowly and turns to me, maybe a little darker green that usual. I grin to let him off the hook. "I don't blame you," I assure him. "So long as you're not trying to get a closer view." 

"Ah. Well." Thane rocks up on his toes a little. "Shepard's skills are magnificent, and she's very attractive. But if I was trying to get close to either of you...it would not be Shepard." 

My mandibles flare out so hard that it hurts the injured side of my face. That's not what I was expecting at all. Kasumi's cackle helps ease the tension of the moment and spares me from having to say anything, laughing so hard that it draws Shepard and Jack's attention. They approach, each of them a little out of breath and covered in a sheen of sweat. 

Any thoughts of Thane fly right out of my head at the sight of Shepard like that. Her hair is a little messy, her skin flushed, and she's only wearing baggy shorts with a sports bra leaving so much skin. Fuck, I wanna lick every inch of her. 

"My spot," Shepard teases, poking the bottom of Kasumi's feet. It makes Kasumi squeal and yank her feet away, leaving my lap open for Shepard to sit. "What are you two laughing about so hard over here?" 

"We're just besties," Kasumi quips, giving me a wink. "Nice work out there, Shep. You're turning into a total biotic badass." 

Shepard chuckles softly. "Thanks." She winces a little and adds, "I wish the longer workouts didn't my head hurt still, though." 

Jack hurls a bottle of water from ten feet away and I catch it inches from Shepard's face, since Shepard's eyes were closed. I glare at the freak but she just smirks and says, "Headaches are normal. The fact that they're just headaches and not the migraines those assholes with implants get is a good sign. You'll get over them." 

I open up the bottle for Shepard and offer her a sip, grateful to hear these headaches will pass. It kills me to see Shepard in pain, no matter how minor and no matter whether or not she needs to fight through it for the greater good. 

"Me and you now, Turian?" Grunt asks, stomping his way into the room. 

"Sorry, little guy, I have an appointment with Chakwas." He growls but nods and scans the room, definitely looking for his next target. Hadley and Matthews have the sense to run from the room but they have to drag Hawthorne with them. The human has apparently developed a death wish. "Wanna come upstairs with me and get some analgesics? Hint, the answer is yes." 

"Are you getting your bandages off, Garrus?" Tali asks, putting the game down now. 

I jerk a shoulder in a shrug, trying not to think about the possibility. I'm not sure whether or not I want the damn bandages off. They were embarrassing for a while but now I'm used to them, and Spirits only know what's under this damn thing. My face was better than I thought the last time I saw the damage, but it was still damage. We might joke about it, but I don't want to look like a Krogan. Especially not with a woman like Shepard by my side. 

Shepard, of course, can read my mind and leans in to kiss the bandage. "You're pretty," she murmurs, bumping her forehead with mine. It would be sweeter if she didn't then wince. 

"Hey, why don't you skip the analgesics and go see Samara?" I suggest. Our Asari Matriarch has proven herself on the team with Shepard as far as I'm concerned, and not just because I caught Shepard doing yoga once after Samara taught her and it led to pretty incredible sex. If I ever see her with her legs behind her head, I might actually explode. But Samara's yoga and meditation techniques are helping Shepard both with control of her biotics and with managing her headaches. 

"I don't want you to go see Chakwas alone," she argues, shaking her head a little. 

Before I can argue, Tali offers, "I'll go with him. If anyone shouldn't care what a face looks like, it's me." 

Shepard laughs but searches my eyes, trying to figure out whether or not I need her. It's sweet, and I'd always prefer to have her around, but it's not necessary. I trust Tali to be honest with me if I need to hide my face a while longer, and if I break down in front of her, she won't hold it against me. I won't break down in front of her but that's a different story. 

"Kiss me and then go see Samara." Shepard's smile brightens her whole face and makes my heart skip a beat, then her kiss immediately starts it to racing even though it's soft and brief. Damn I love her. "Jack, come with me! Meditation, let's gooooooo!" 

Jack throws out a bunch of violent swear words but she still follows Shepard into the elevator. They have more in common then they realize, the two of them only as stubborn as they are loyal. 

"What's the process with the whole face thing?" Kasumi asks, motioning to her entire face like I wasn't sure what she meant. Or what a face is. "Like, more surgery or..." 

"Nah, Chakwas said she pretty much did everything she could," I answer, immediately hating this conversation. Kasumi and Tali are both looking at my face and for once I wish I could hide. "It'll turn out however it turns out. At least my mandible should stay on." 

"And at least Shepard thinks you're the hottest thing in the galaxy," Tali teases with a sweet little giggle. "It must be nice knowing you could almost literally lose half your face and she still swoons every time you wink." 

I laugh and give Tali a wink. "It's not my face that keeps her swooning, Tali." 

She swats my arm while Kasumi throws her head back and laughs, loud and free. She has a fantastically uncharacteristic laugh, the sound far less suave than the thief herself, and I enjoy the hell out of it. 

"Whatever, you're disgusting." It would be more convincing if I couldn't hear Tali's smile. "Let's go see the doctor. Maybe she can shut you up." 

We say goodbye to Kasumi and I shout to Grunt who is wailing on a punching bag and almost definitely going to destroy it. Cerberus can afford another, and maybe I'll come back down later to give him something real to punch. A growing Krogan needs things to punch. 

Tali and I get into the elevator, and the little Quarian rounds on me immediately. "Something is going on with you, Garrus Vakarian. There's something you're not telling Shepard." 

"What? I don't keep things from Shepard!" The idea is pretty insulting. Especially if she's told Shepard that I'm keeping things from her. "Shit, Tali, does Shepard think I'm keeping from her?"

"No, Garrus, she knows that you haven't told her you love her yet!" 

I open my mouth to say something back and then just let my jaw fall. I have no idea what to say to that, and it's not what I expected. "I..." I take a breath and let it out. "It's more complicated than that." 

Tali smacks my chest, pretty damn hard. "You're a complicated fool. We both know you're wildly in love with her. Why don't you tell her?"

"First of all, humans have an idiom about pots and kettles that apply here. Called Kal'Reegar recently, Tali'Zorah?" She crosses her arms and stomps a foot, petulant and adorable. "Also, Shepard knows damn well how I feel about her. She knows." 

"Garrus, how do you think I know you haven't told her you love her?" 

I blink at her when the elevator doors open. She heads out and then turns around to grab my arm, yanking me out the elevator with her. "Fuck, Tali, she told you?" I tug her aside with me, keeping her away from the Mess Hall for now. "Is she upset?" 

I feel sick at the thought. I've told Shepard over and over that I don't deserve her for a dozen reasons, and now I can add this. I'm not strong enough to confess that I've bonded to her and it's affecting Shepard. What the fuck will I do if Shepard doesn't think I love her?

Tali takes one of my hands and squeezes. "Shepard knows how much you care about her. She's not upset that you haven't said it, she's just..." Tali takes a breath that makes me nervous as fuck. "I shouldn't be telling you this. I only said something because I can't help being protective of her, you know? Promise me you won't tell Shepard I said anything." 

"Tali!" It takes serious effort not to snap at her or shake her. I take a breath to try and calm down. "Tali...I won't tell her. I just need to know how badly I've screwed up." 

"Oh, Garrus. I shouldn't have said anything, I didn't mean to hurt you." She squeezes my hand again. "Shepard is worried that you haven't said it because you're afraid she'll leave you again. That you won't take that step because you don't want to be that vulnerable, just in case." 

"Ah, shit." I run a hand over my fringe, trying to settle myself.

"Garrus...is she right?" Tali asks softly. 

I shake my head, really wishing I didn't have to have this conversation. I'm only going through with it because it's Tali; I can trust her. "Only partially, and it's not as bad as it sounds. I..." This hasn't gotten any easier to admit out loud. "It's not just that I love her. I do. But...shit. Tali, I bonded with her. And I don't know how to tell her that without making Shepard feel trapped, and yeah, if she leaves me again after knowing, it'll destroy me." 

I didn't really know what to anticipate as far as Tali's reaction to this, but Tali screaming and throwing her arms around my neck, literally leaping off the floor to reach me, was not it. She releases me after a much tighter squeeze than I thought Tali would be capable of, and then lands on her feet only to scream again. The crew in the Mess Hall is starting to peek around the elevator bay to figure out what's going on, so I grab the screaming Quarian's hand and drag her into the bathroom. 

"I've now been in the women's room on this ship twice," I mutter, rolling my eyes at myself. "This is a trend that needs to stop and soon." 

"Garrus!" Tali screeches, her voice reverberating off the walls and making me flinch. "You bonded with Shepard! That. Is. Amazing!" 

Quarians bond in the same way as Turians - it's just as rare and just as permanent. I know that Tali's parents were bonded; we once talked about the impact on her father because I can pretty much expect the same with my own father someday. At the time, I couldn't imagine the pain. Now I've been there and face going there again just about every day. But Tali's excitement isn't coming from that place of fear and pain. She just knows how special bonding really is. 

And I wish I could enjoy it but my bondmate doesn't know, isn't from a species capable of bonding with me, and could leave me again - by choice or taken from me in a battle. 

"Garrus!" Tali screams again. "You have to tell her! She's going to be so excited!" She starts bouncing around and chirps, "She's probably gonna cry!" 

That's almost enough to make me laugh, but I still might throw up. "Tali, please. Don't. She can't know." The jumping stops instantly and Tali just starts stammering nonsense until I grab her shoulders. "Humans don't bond. I would be trapping her in a lifelong commitment that she may not want in five years or fifty. I won't be that unfair to her. I love her too much." 

"So, what, you're just going to live forever knowing you have your bondmate and not complete the bond, not tell her? Garrus, you'll suffer your whole life." All I can do is look away from her, that question far too hard to answer. Tali makes a soft keening noise and puts her hand on my chest. "Oh, Garrus," she murmurs, her voice soft and broken. "Shepard won't hurt you. She loves you." 

"Tali...I thought she loved me before." I hold a hand up to cut her off. "I know, I know she loves me. I don't doubt that. I just don't know what happens if that changes or if she finds someone else. I cannot move on from her." 

Tali puts up a hand. "Okay. I see where you're coming from. But Garrus this should be something joyful. You should be able to share this with Shepard. She's going to be so honored." This time, it's Tali who lifts a hand to cut me off. "Garrus, she is your best friend. Fine, in five or fifty years it might really hurt that she knows. But if that day never covers, you'll regret not celebrating such a beautiful thing with her. Just...promise me you'll consider it." 

"I...shit, Tali, it's just as hard to deny you as it is Shepard! What are the women on this ship doing to me?" 

She laughs and bounces forward to hug me again, wrapping her arms around my back this time. I return it and hold on for a minute, grateful for her intervention. Maybe she's right and I need to consider the other side of this whole thing. Tali is right that bonding is really special, it's something that should be celebrated between a couple. It's so rare anymore that most of our marriages are contracts, and the fact my father, both my brothers, and me have all bonded is certainly something that will attract attention. But I'm not giving myself a chance to enjoy it. 

"I'll consider it, Tali," I promise her. "Just don't say anything to Shepard in the meantime." 

Tali promises and then we finally leave the women's room. I hope I never have to go in there again. 

"Uh...that's not weird at all." Shepard's voice starts both of us, both me and Tali jumping, which of course makes Shepard laugh. 

"Oh...we, uh...we were..." 

"I got anxious about seeing Chakwas and getting the bandages off, so Tali dragged me in there to talk some sense into me," I jump in. The Quarian is impressively bad at lying. It's not a skill that I'm proud of, but I also don't want Tali to have a stroke stammering to find an excuse for Shepard. And, of course, it works. "I'm fine," I assure Shepard, holding a hand out to her. 

She smiles and comes eagerly, leaning against me. "We can trade if you want. I'll get part of my face blown off and you can go have a call with the Illusive Man." 

"Oh, absolutely not." I push her away from me playfully and grab Tali as a shield. "Bring on the rockets. Best of luck, Shepard." 

She laughs and rolls her eyes at me, backing away to take the other path around the elevator bay and to the comm room. "I'm coming to find you after! Better watch your back, Vakarian." 

"I'd rather watch yours, Shepard," I retort, pulling Tali under my arm and taking her with me to the Med Bay. My face is one of several pieces of baggage I have looming over me and the only one with a medical professional involved. I might as well get it dealt with. 

*****

Talking to the Illusive Man would probably annoy me a lot less if he reached out to me directly to schedule these conversations. Instead, he always goes through Miranda. Why does he need her to ask me to meet with him? Why doesn't it annoy the hell out of Miranda? She's not his secretary or mine. Granted, I'm not sure what her role for me or for him actually is, but whatever. We're mostly getting along now so I call it all a win. 

Except that she hounds me until I actually meet with the Illusive Man, and that cuts my yoga session with Samara short. 

I stand on the holopad and wait while he appears, in the same position as always. He's also smoking and drinking, as always. I wonder if he ever puts down a cigarette. 

"Shepard, we caught a break," he announces, no greeting and his voice actually almost eager. That's a change. "I intercepted a distress call from a Turian patrol. They stumbled onto a Collector ship beyond the Korlus system. The Turians were wiped out but not before they crippled the Collector vessel. I need you to board that ship and get some hard data on the Collectors. Find us a way to get to their homeworld." 

This immediately feels off to me. My gut is screaming that something here is wrong. 

"Hard to imagine how a Turian patrol could take out a Collector ship," I note. Turians are damn tough, sure, but patrol ships up against the power of a Collector ship? With the size we've seen of those things? 

"Reports indicate the hull's intact, but all systems seem to be offline," he replies, giving nothing away. "They could be making repairs as we speak. I'm not saying it won't be dangerous, but we can't let an opportunity like this slip by." 

"Okay but if they had a patrol out there, why aren't the Turians sending a recon team in?" 

"They will. Eventually. But I intercepted the transmission. In the meantime, we're feeding them false reports. You're close enough that you could get in and out before the Turians learn the truth." 

"Are you sure this information's good?" I know the question is going to piss him off but the Illusive Man narrowing his eyes gives me a thrill. 

"Information is my weapon, Shepard," he drawls. I hate the way he says my name. "It's good." 

I don't exactly have a lot of options here. I trust the Illusive Man just about as far as I can throw Grunt, but if any of this information is good and we can get something to take us through the Omega 4 Relay and back, it's a chance I have to take. "Send me the coordinates, and I'll take care of it." 

"Already sent," he replies, ashing his cigarette. "Once you're aboard the ship, establish an uplink with EDI. She'll mine their data for information regarding the Omega 4 relay. Good luck, Shepard." 

He ends the call without another word, and a shudder runs down my spine. I really hate that guy. 

"You hear all that, Joker?" 

"I heard it. How much of it are we buying?"

I laugh, grateful for his constant skepticism - whether it's keeping me grounded or making me sure I'm not alone when I'm grumpy. "We're buying absolutely none of it. But we don't have a choice to skip this. I'd like to get through the Omega 4 Relay alive." 

"You got it, Commander. Coordinates punched in. Let's go find us a Collector ship." 

I head for the Med Bay right away, but Garrus isn't there. "He went upstairs already," Tali tells me when I return to Mess Hall. "He's...unsure." 

"Got it. Thank you for being there for him, Tali. I'm sure it helped him a lot." Tali just shrugs and squeezes my hand. 

The rest of the crew is here so I announce, "We're on our way to a downed Collector ship. Miranda, you have the mission details?" She nods. "Forward them to the rest of the crew. We're going in to find data that will get us through the Omega 4 Relay safely. Everyone be prepared and at your stations in..." 

"Thirty," Joker chimes in over the intercoms. 

"Yeah, what he said. Good?" 

"Commander," Hadley speaks up, holding up a hand. "Should we be worried? I mean...a Collector ship?"

I offer him a smile and I mean it. "We can't underestimate the Collectors, especially not if we're walking up to a ship and even if it's down. But I have every intention of surviving this mission - of every single one of us surviving. We have lives beyond the Omega 4 Relay, beyond the Reapers. We're gonna make it. Got me?"

A resounding, "yes ma'am" from the crew hits back at me. I offer them a salute which the crew returns with just as much enthusiasm, and then head for the elevator. The life that I have beyond the Omega 4 relay is upstairs right now. 

I'm not quite as enthusiastic that this isn't a suicide mission as I made it sound for the crew, but that's a big part of my job. It's not their job to hold my concerns, but it is mine to keep their morale up. And I'm not going to stop planning and hoping for my future just because the mission is kind of scary. I do plan to survive this with everyone on my crew and my ship intact. 

Garrus isn't in our quarters when I step through the doors, and I'm given pause until the bathroom door opens. He appears, and then slumps against the doorframe without turning to face me. "How much of your sexual interest in me has to do with my face?"

"Your tongue? Quite a bit. Your face, far less." 

It gets a chuckle out of him, but that's not good enough. I approach him but don't get close enough that he's forced to show me the injured side of his face before he's ready. 

"Did the exam hurt at all?"

"No. For the most part, it's just numb. Still no sensations." 

"Does Chakwas still feel like it's healing well?"

He nods. "Yeah, she said the scar tissue is healthy, and the cybernetics are doing their job." He looks at me sideways, mandibles pulled tight. "She took most of the bandages off. It's not pretty." 

"I'm not all that into pretty anyway." His laugh is humorless this time, and he looks back down at the floor. "Hey, come on, lover. You know I get. You've seen me naked, seen the scars. Hell, my face glowed until a few weeks ago. We're scarred up together." I take his hand and squeeze. "Absolutely none of my love for you has to do with how you look." 

Garrus takes a breath and turns to face me completely, showing me his face finally. It's almost underwhelming; I was expecting something much worse based on his insecurity. But it's actually a relief. 

"Oh, God, I like this so much more than the bandage," I confess, touching his jaw lightly with my fingertips and using it to turn his head. It's easier to see the damage now, sure, and the scars are intense. It's a stark reminder of what he looked like right after he took the hit. But without the bandage... "It's healing. You're healing. That helps." 

"It's a mess," he growls. "I barely even look like me from this side." 

"That's not true. I'd know you anywhere." I take hold of his carapace and pull him down close enough that I can kiss his scarred cheek gently. I grace my lips over the scar near his nose, press a kiss to the damaged mandible, and nuzzle his jaw lightly. Garrus lets out that purring sound I like so much and his hands land on my hips. "I couldn't do this when it was bandaged." 

"I can't even feel it but I enjoy it," he admits, tugging me a little closer. "It really doesn't bother you?"

"Not at all." I wrap my arms around his neck and let Garrus pull me against him, one hand slipping down to my ass. "I still have the sexiest boyfriend in the galaxy." 

"Mmm lucky you," he growls, dropping his mouth to my throat and licking me lightly. 

"Especially because I get to take my sexy boyfriend to a downed Collector ship."

Garrus freezes and hesitates for a moment before pulling back to look at me like he's wondering if I inhaled rocket fuel. "I'm guessing this has something to do with that call from the Illusive Man?"

I take Garrus to the couch and give him a rundown, including a warning that I want to bring Miranda with us on the mission. I like having her around for anything that might backfire because of the Illusive Man. She should see that sort of thing for herself. Besides, she's been behaving lately and deserves another shot. 

"I'm not sure I buy that whole Turian ship thing," Garrus admits, pulling a leg up between us on the couch. "There's no way a patrol would just leave before other Turian ships arrived or that Collector ship was completely destroyed." 

"He did say that Cerberus was sending false reports. Maybe that has something to do with it?" 

Garrus shakes his head. "Not sure. Maybe. I know you don't trust the Illusive Man any more than I do. We don't have a choice though, huh?"

"Should have known we'd be on exactly the same page." I slap his thigh playfully but then keep my hand there, and Garrus runs his talons up my forearm. "The crew asked if they should be worried." 

"I'm sure you handled that like a champ," he murmurs with a smile. 

"I hope so. I'm not foolish, but...I don't want to stop planning our future, you know?" 

Garrus reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear, tugging the lobe gently as his hand falls. "Me neither, baby. We need to stay focused on what comes after. Gives us something to fight for, right?" 

"Exactly." I take his hand and press it to my stomach. "We have a lot to live for." 

"Shepard," he growls, leaning forward to capture my mouth in a soft kiss. He takes a deep breath as we part and nods to himself. "I'm gonna call my dad when we get back from the Collector ship. I'm...gonna push him to let me come home." 

"Wow." I need a breath of my own to try and swallow this. "What, uh...I mean...okay, I don't know what to say about that." 

Garrus chuckles a little but he looks kind of sad. "I miss my mom," he tells me. "And I don't know how much time she has left. I would be devastated if she died without meeting the love of my life." 

My heart leaps into my throat, and I fling myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him hard, pouring all the passion I feel for him into the kiss. Garrus moans and pulls me against him so that I'm almost straddling him. He drops his hand to my ass again and squeezes hard. "Oh, we need to have time," I murmur against his mouth, becoming desperate for him immediately. 

"I have something else I need to talk to you about," he replies, pulling his mouth away a little, although his hand doesn't leave my ass. "I don't want you to hear it from someone else. Thane hit on me pretty publicly today. While you were sparring with Jack." 

Well, that's not what I was expecting. 

I pull away enough to look at him, waiting for the punchline or for him to laugh. It never comes, though he doesn't look a little uncomfortable. Until a laugh explodes from me. "Oh, my God! What did you say?" 

"Nothing, really," he laughs. "I didn't know what to say! He's a bold guy, I have to give him that." 

"So you and Thane, huh?" I tease, poking his waist lightly. 

Garrus rolls his eyes at me. "Definitely not. I slept with a Drell once, and it was exactly one time too many. Apparently, their skin excretes a hallucinogenic. Have you ever had a bad trip while you tried to have sex, Shepard? I do not recommend it." 

I'm cackling by the time he's done, forced to hold my stomach because it hurts so badly. "Oh...Oh, God. Garrus! Wow." I wipe the tears from my eyes while I catch my breath, and my vision clears to Garrus's gorgeous smile. "Okay. Sorry. I'm alright now." 

"Why was that so funny?" he demands, feigning indignance and doing a horrible job of it. 

"Because it's hard to picture you having a bad experience in bed. You're so very...you." Garrus just rolls his eyes at that, and it only makes me laugh again. "Well, it's good to know I don't need to worry about you alone with Thane," I tease him. 

"Ha! Were you worried before this?" 

"No, but that's not the point." Now Garrus laughs and shakes his head at me. We manage to get off the couch and head for our armor closet, getting read for the mission together. I can't help but think about Garrus with Thane now, though. Well, maybe not Thane, considering I don't want to picture Garrus having a bad trip, but still...

"Shepard, keep up those thoughts, and we're gonna have to delay the Collector ship," Garrus warns, watching me while clipping on his greaves.

"How do you know what I'm thinking about?" He just cocks his brow plate at me and my face heats up. Damn, he can read me too well. "Okay, well I'm enjoying the thoughts, but this is probably a good time for a ground rule." 

Garrus laughs. "Those have gone well for us in the past, right?"

"This one is based on something other than stubbornness and insecurity. I think we're both interested in exploring threesomes or..." 

"Moresomes?" Garrus supplies with a downright dirty grin. I love it. 

"Yes, that. Yes, please. But...can we agree never anyone on our crew?" 

Garrus sits down to lace up his boots and nods firmly. "Absolutely. That's an easy ask. It's not the same with humans and some other species anyway. Too many complicated emotions." 

"Says the guy who fell for his Commander," I tease. 

"You're damn right. Come here." Garrus catches my hand and tugs me onto his lap, making me drop my helmet. Not that I care when he pulls my arms around his neck. We're both covered in armor, and I still love this. I don't necessarily love how tense Garrus looks at the moment, though. "Kid...you know how much I care about you, right?" 

"What? Of course I do." I shift to straddle his lap, mostly so that I can look at him straight on. "What made you ask me that?"

He shakes his head and takes a breath that sounds a little shaky. "I just...you deserve to know. You mean everything to me, Elle. Just because I don't say it the same way that you do...I just want you to know." 

"Garrus." I take his face between my hands and kiss him slowly, slipping my tongue into his mouth the moment he lets me. I can feel his hands shift on my armor and wish I could feel their heat. I let my lips linger and then press my forehead against his, leaning into it and relishing the little spark it sends down my spine. "You don't ever let me doubt it." 

"But you want to hear it." 

I press my hand to his mouth quickly before he could say it now and ruin it. I'd give just about anything to hear Garrus tell me that he loves me. Even more, I want desperately to know whether or not he actually bonded with me or if I'm imagining things. And it's killing me to believe Garrus won't tell me he loves me because he's afraid I'm going to leave him again. 

"Please don't say it just because you want me to be happy, Garrus, I can't handle that," I tell him honestly. "I know how you feel about me, really. You are...incredibly loyal and dedicated and sweet to me. You've completely changed my life, and you always put me first. I don't doubt how you feel about me." I pull my hand back from his mouth and hold his jaw instead. "I just wish you felt more confident about us." 

"Baby, it's - " 

"We're beginning approach, guys," Joker says over the comms, his tone telling me that he caught at least some of our conversation. I thank him and wait for the beep telling me that he's gone. 

"Come on, big guy." I pound my fist on his chest twice and stand. "We have bad timing, but I promise we're good. I get it." 

Garrus stands and tugs me back against him, our armor clanking when I fall into his chest. He searches my eyes for a beat before nodding a little and leaning down to bump my forehead with his. I sink into it, knowing that this is his way of saying how much I mean to him. I wouldn't trade it. And figuring out how to make Garrus feel confident about me, about us, is on me. It's a challenge I'm more than happy to undertake. 

But not until after we get into that Collector ship and find a way to complete our mission and survive it for much, much more. 

*****

"We have a visual on the Collector ship, Commander," Joker calls back without looking as Shepard and I cross the bridge. He has some wacky theory that Shepard always shows by instinct or miracle right when he wants her to. He swears on it, and attempts to take advantage of it. 

We step into the cockpit and see what Joker does, checking out the Collector ship ahead of us. It looks more like a massive space rock just floating there than anything else. It's not all that scary from a distance. 

"Very low emissions," EDI tells us. "Passive infrared temperatures suggest most systems are offline. Thrusters are cold." 

As we continue to get closer, the size and scope of the Collector ship becomes clear. The only thing I've ever seen of this size was Sovereign, and that's not a good sign for us. It's more than a dozen Normandy's if they were lined up tip to tail. 

Joker whistles. "That thing's massive. How the hell did the Turians take it out?"

Shepard just shakes her head. There's no good answer to that, and Shepard has enough intergalactic military knowledge to know that a Turian patrol is very unlikely to have successfully taken this thing down on its own. Something is off. 

"Ladar scars do not detect any hull breaches on the side facing us," EDI says. I appreciate how calm her tone always sounds. "I detect no mass effect field distortions. It appears the drive core is offline." 

"Rendezvous in thirty seconds, Commander," Joker says, smoothly maneuvering our ship close enough. 

"Hold her steady for us, Joker. We'll be back soon." Shepard says it like a promise and pats the pilot's shoulder gently. 

"Damn right, Shep," Joker replies, starting to turn his seat around. Shepard heads off, aiming for the Shuttle Bay for our ride to the Collector ship. "You ready for it, big guy?" he asks me, looking up at me from the seat. 

"Ready to kick some Collector ass, put an end to the Reaper threat, and get on with our lives? You're damn right." I hold a fist out to him and Joker grins, bumping my fist with his. 

I leave him then, confident that our ship - our home - will be safe in his hands when we get back. No one loves this ship more than Joker. Granted, he may love it an unnatural amount, but now is not the time for me to dwell on that. 

I meet Shepard and MIranda in the Shuttle Bay where all of us do a quick check of weapons and ammo. None of us is expecting this to go well, though I can tell that Miranda is tense about assuming someone will go wrong when the Illusive Man has sent us here. Shepard is tense too, and I know at least some of that has to do with our conversation upstairs. With me.

I let Miranda step onto the shuttle ahead of them, and then pull Shepard aside. She doesn't resist and smiles before I meet her mouth. That smile grows when I pull away and drop my mouth to her throat for a quick nip, hard enough for her to remember it all damn day. 

"You're mine," I growl into her ear. "No one and nothing will take you from me this time. You understand?" 

Her green eyes are blazing. "Yes, sir. I love you." 

"I know." I bump her forehead and only then do I feel capable of letting her go, ready to let her step away from me and toward a Collector ship. I follow her onto the shuttle and focus my mind on the short ride over by adjusting my scope. Miranda and Shepard have similar routines; every soldier does, I imagine. 

"Helmets," Shepard warns, giving me a lingering look because she knows me well enough to know she needs to. 

I hate wearing my helmet. Probably because I was forced to wear it all the time on Omega where the station was often full of odors and the air conditioning often did not work. But she'll yell at me if I don't and maybe I'm sucking up a little right now, but I'm not sorry about it. 

The shuttle arrives at the Collector ship, which is dark and silent, and hovers to let us hope out into a port on the ship. The moment we step inside, every red flag I have goes up and alarm bells start ringing in my head. This is...bad. 

"I've never seen a ship laid out like this," Miranda mutters, looking around. "It looks like a giant insect hive." 

She's absolutely right, and apparently hives are the same on Palaven as elsewhere in the galaxy. The ship isn't metal, but not exactly organic either. Just...gross. But that's not the biggest problem. 

"Something is wrong here," I warn them. "The smell is...wrong. Dead. It's just..." I shake my head, at a loss for words. I don't know how to describe the sour, acidic odor assaulting my nose and throat even through my helmet. 

"Let's stay on high alert," Shepard suggests, nodding. 

EDI chimes in to tell us, "Penetrating scans have detected an access node to uplink with Collector databanks. Marking location to your hardsuit computers." 

Shepard starts down the hall and we follow. I can't help staying close but I try to keep enough distance that I won't make Shepard feel like I'm hovering or being overprotective. I mean, I absolutely am being overprotective, but I don't need her to know it. 

The halls of this ship - I'm forcing myself to think of them as halls and not something like veins - are quiet. Way too quiet. It's creepy as hell. 

"Shepard, I have compared the ship's EM signature to the known Collector profiles," EDI says. "It is the vessel you encountered on Horizon."

"Maybe the defense towers softened it for the Turians," Shepard notes. She's fishing and we both know it, but I let it go. 

"The missing colonists might be aboard," I offer. "If they're still alive." 

Her eyes brighten through the screen of her helmet, so I'm glad I said it. I'm not totally sure I believe it, but whatever keeps her going. 

We continue through the ship...or, further into it. Spirits, I hate it here. In a hallway, we find a few pods. They're oddly shaped, kind of ovalish, and they have a translucent piece at one end that serves as a window inside. It also apparently opens that way as demonstrated by one of the pods. Empty. 

"These are the same containers the Collectors used on Horizon," Miranda notes, her tone tight. 

"And that we saw on those tapes from Freedom's Progress," Shepard adds. "Only these are empty." 

I shake my head, looking at the pod Miranda is standing near. She's fairly average sized for a human, and I imagine she'd barely fit in the thing. "It must have been horrible. Trapped in these pods, completely at the mercy of the Collectors." The thought makes me sick. 

It gets worse when we find a pile of human bodies a little further into the ship. The bodies are mangled and messy and thrown into a corner like waste. Discarded, forgotten. Exactly like Shepard ended up. 

"Fuck," I growl, turning away and trying to take a deep breath in through my nose. Of course with the hellish smell in here, that's a mistake, too. I repeat to myself that those bodies are not Shepard, that she's alive and standing a few feet from me. Getting upset and distracted will only put her at risk here though, so I pull it together and turn back. I can do this. 

"Why would the Collectors just leave a pile of bodies lying around?" Miranda muses. 

"Test subjects," I answer. It's clear to me from the state of the bodies. "Discarded at the end of the experiment." 

Shepard shivers. "There are worse things than death - like being a test subject for a twisted alien."

"God, Shepard," Miranda groans. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it didn't." 

Shepard offers a genuine apology, and then continues to lead us down the hall. I think she wants to take our minds off of it, but we only pass more pods and dead bodies. There's also some technology laying around that we're able to scan and take. We find a control terminal too and it doesn't require hacking in. Neither did the tech. 

"This is odd," I announce, drawing their attention. "Nothing here has encryption or even so much as a password. Reaper tech is better protected than anything else in the galaxy, even the Geth are almost impenetrable. But this is just...open." 

"Do you think there's a risk to opening or using anything on there?" Shepard asks, giving the console a suspicious look. 

I shake my head. "No, my 'Tool isn't picking anything like that up. It's just...odd. I'm gonna turn it on. Okay?" Shepard nods so I activate the console. 

In a corner near us, lights turn over over an exam table. There's a Collector laid out on the table, familiar because of Horizon. I don't forget something that was shooting at me once. 

"That's a Collector," Miranda announces, in case we weren't sure. "Were they experimenting on one of their own?"

"EDI, I'm uploading the data from this terminal," I tell our AI. "See if you can figure out what they were up to." I glance at Shepard quickly, checking to make sure she approves the decision. I shouldn't make calls, I know better. But Shepard smiles at me and nods. 

"Data received," EDI says, seconds after I complete the upload. "Analyzing. The Collectors were running baseline genetic comparisons between their species and humanity." 

"Are they looking for similarities?" Shepard asks. 

"I have no hypothesis on their motivations. All I have are the preliminary results." I approach the exam table while she exclaims. "They reveal something remarkable. A quad strand genetic structure, identical to traces collected from ancient ruins. Only one race is known to have this structure: the Protheans." 

My stomach flops, and I take an automatic step back from the exam table, too disturbed to remain close. Miranda mirrors me, her face paling under the translucent mask she wears. This is so much worse than I thought. 

"My God," Shepard moans, hand pressed to her stomach. "The Protheans didn't vanish. They're just working for the Reapers now." 

"These are no longer Protheans, Shepard," EDI says. "Their genes show distinct signs of genetic rewrite. The Reapers have repurposed them to suit their needs." 

Just those words make me feel sick. 

"You'd think somebody would have picked up on this," Shepard notes. 

"I don't know, Shepard. You know a pretty capable Asari who dedicated almost fifty years to researching Protheans and she had no idea." I turn away from Shepard right after saying it. She always makes the same face at me when Liara comes up, and I can't stand seeing it again. 

"No one has had an opportunity to study a Collector genetic code in this detail," EDI adds. "I have already matched two thousand alleles to recorded fragments. This Collectors likely descends from a Prothean colony in the Styx Theta cluster. But there are signs of extreme alteration. Three fewer chromosomes. Reduced heterochromatin structure. Elimination of superfluous 'junk' sequences." 

"I don't need to understand all of that to know that's a horrible fate," Shepard says. "The Reapers didn't wipe out the Proteans, they turned them into monsters and enslaved them." 

"They're still working for the Reapers now," I interject. "We have to stop them." 

Miranda nods and asserts, "They are not doing to us what the Reapers did to the Protheans." 

"Let's find out what we need before the Collectors come to salvage this vessel. Move out." 

I almost pass by the control console again before I notice something under it. I also almost choose not to stop because I don't really need to see anymore of the fresh hell this place has to offer. But because whatever that is might be important, I stop and kneel to grab it. 

"Oh, hell yes." 

Shepard and Miranda whirl around faster than they should given my tone; we're all on edge. But Shepard doesn't look even a little surprised to see me holding a gun. "Okay, convince me," she says, wiggling her fingers in a 'let me have it' motion. She knows me so well. 

"It's a machine gun, but I've never seen one like it before. The ammo capacity on this thing is insane and if I'm right..." I aim it down the hallway, well away from my team or anything I could hurt, and fire briefly. It sprays. Actually sprays and in a vicious arc.   
"Oh, hell yes." 

"That is pretty sweet," Shepard agrees. "It would've been nice to have something like that when we've been overrun by husks. I'm sold. Keep it." 

"Oh, I don't know, Shepard," I tease, clipping the gun to my back before she can change her mind. "I think you might be catching some of my weapon hoarding tendencies." 

"Let's hope not," Miranda mutters. "We'll run out of room in the armory if you both start collecting." 

For once I'm grateful to Miranda for giving me a laugh. Especially now when we're in the belly of the beast. The extremely creepy beast. 

And it only gets creepier when we continue down the hall and into a large room with a vaulted ceiling. There are pods everywhere. "On the ceiling," I note, looking up. 

"There must be hundreds of them," Miranda says, turning around in a full circle for a look. "How many do you think are full?"

"Too many," Shepard answers. 

"I detect no signs of life in the pods, Shepard," EDI tells us. She has to stop delivering such shitty news. "It is probable the victims inside died when the ship lost primary power." 

We continue on. I'm equal parts grateful that we're out of that room and dreading what comes next. I'm not adjusting to the odor either, and the fact that every console we pass is unlocked continues to set me on edge. I can feel my shoulders lifted, my jaw ticking so hard that it's starting to make the scarred side of my face hurt. I cannot relax here; it's taking everything I have to keep focus and not freak out. 

As we press further into the ship, the floor starts an incline; we're heading up a ramp. "I hate the layout of this place," Shepard groans. 

"Commander!" Joker comes over the comms so suddenly and with so much excitement that I startle. Yeah, I'm definitely way too on edge. "You gotta hear this. On a hunch, I asked EDI to run an analysis on this ship." 

"I compared the EM profile of this Collector ship against data recorded by the original Normandy two years ago." My feet automatically slow, something even more sickening than the smell in here sinking into my gut. I almost don't want EDI to finish, but I have to know now. "They are an exact match." 

Something inside me pulled tight by the stress of this place snaps. I'm standing inside the thing that killed my bondmate, the monster that took Shepard from me. 

I'm going to tear this fucking thing apart. 

*****

"Garrus!" 

The moment EDI dropped her bomb, Garrus stopped moving and started growling. I can see his hands shaking, and his chest is heaving inside his armor. For a moment I think he might pull himself together, and then the new and very dangerous machine gun is in his hands and he is downright snarling. 

"Shepard!" Miranda snaps, pulling her pistol but backing away from him and not aiming. She has right and reason to be scared; I've never seen Garrus like this. 

"Garrus, what is going on?" I demand, using my Commander voice. The guy is a Turian; usually giving him an order can snap him out of just about anything. Today, I can see he's barely hearing me. 

But even as I ask, I know. We're standing inside the thing that killed me two years ago. We're face to face - as much as possible - with the creature that sent Garrus to Omega, and he's still trying to recover from that. I knew Garrus was on edge the moment we got off the shuttle, and now I think I'm seeing Garrus snap for the first time. 

He's the most controlled person I've ever known. In chaos, he's always been able to keep his cool, usually because I need him to. I can rely on him to be my rock in just about every situation. But right now, Garrus is facing the thing of his nightmares, and he needs help. 

"Miranda, stand back." She obeys quickly, probably because Garrus has started pacing. I can see his eyes darting around through his helmet, and I know him well enough to know he's trying to decide where to start shooting. "Hey, big guy. I need you to listen. Can you look at me?" 

"Stop," he snaps at me when I start to get closer. "Stay back. I can't..." Garrus shakes his head. I can see him fighting for control, especially when he's afraid he might hurt me.

But I know Garrus better than that.

"I'm not afraid of you, Garrus," I tell him, stepping toward him slowly and steadily. "Look at me. I'm alive, okay? It doesn't matter that this damn Collector got me once, because I'm back. I'm here with you now, right?" 

He growls but steadies just a little, nodding to me. 

"You're really freaking me out right now, Garrus. And you can't continue on the mission like this. I hate telling you this because I know why you're struggling, but I need you to reign it in enough to help." I glance toward Miranda, but mostly don't care if she's listening. "I promise you can work out all this stress and frustration with me later, big guy. I need you right now." 

"Fuck, Shepard. It killed you, and that almost killed me." He growls, a little lower this time. "I need to destroy this thing." 

"Listen to me," I snap, pushing him harder now. "Big picture. This ship attacked me on the Normandy and was on Horizon where we know the Collectors went assuming I would go. Now it's here. It was near us and just happened to be down." 

Garrus goes stiff, his hands flexing. He's coming back to me now. 

"The same ship dogging me for two years?" I press. "That goes way beyond coincidence." 

"You're right," he breathes, nodding a little. I watch him take a breath and then can finally take a breath of my own. "We're here for a reason, and it's not what we thought." 

"Exactly. I need you to help me, big guy." 

"Yeah...yeah, I'm okay. I'm here." Miranda starts to come back toward us, and Garrus puts the machine gun back, his shoulders hunching a little now. "I'm sorry. That was...really unacceptable." 

"Don't be," I tell him, approaching him without fear and pressing my hand to his chest. "I know. I get it." He covers my hand and nods a little. 

"I couldn't imagine walking inside something that killed someone I love," Miranda chimes in. "But we need you focused if this goes sideways. You care enough about Shepard to ask yourself tough questions, Garrus. Do you need to go back to the ship?" 

My first instinct is to react, to intervene. I want to stand up for him, and I certainly don't want to do this without him. But Garrus takes a deep breath and answers for himself, proving that he's calmed. 

"I'm here. I'm good." He shakes his head and assures Miranda, "I wouldn't do anything to risk Shepard."

"I know. Good enough for me." Miranda gives me a nod, signaling that she's ready to go with me. Garrus is ready, too. 

Now I need to get myself together. This ship has been stalking me for two years. This ship is proof the Illusive Man was right, and the Reapers have some sort of weird hard on for me. Which, of course, means that the ship and my crew and my friends and Garrus are at risk. Because of me. 

Until I destroy the Reapers, that is. 

"You still with us, kid?" Garrus asks, his hand landing firmly on my shoulder. 

"Yeah," I assure him. "I'm just...very much with you on destroying this son of a bitch, even if it's not today. We need to beat these assholes." 

"I'm on board for that," Miranda chimes in. "Especially now that we've seen the alternative. Losing isn't an option." 

Garrus pulls his rifle back into his hands. It looks so much more natural there than any other gun. "Let's get this done." 

Things are starting to look up for the first time we started this mission. And considering we're inside a Collector, I should have realized that was a bad sign and would be short lived. I don't think I could have prepared myself for what we walk into next, though. Not ever. 

We walk into a massive space, probably the size of the Presidium. And the walls, the ceiling, every inch of the room is covered in pods. 

"Well," Miranda drawls. "I should have expected this." 

"They could take every human in the Terminus Systems and not have enough to fill these pods," I note, my head spinning. This is...terrifying. 

"That's not the goal." Garrus turns to look at me when he breathes, "They're going to target Earth." 

And suddenly terrifying is nowhere near strong enough a word. This is…

This is absolutely never happening. 

"Not if we stop them." 

Miranda and Garrus both enjoy that immediately, and I lead them through the platform that travels through the room. "There," Garrus calls, pointing down toward a platform. "That's a control panel." 

"Has anyone noticed that there are no bodies from the Collector crew here?" Miranda notes. "Careful, Shepard. Something doesn't feel right about this." 

I agree with her, but I really wish she wasn't saying that in front of Garrus. He's getting more anxious again by the minute, even if he's not in a rage anymore. That outburst was entirely unlike him. The stress is getting to him, obviously. But maybe part of it is also because he's bonded to me? 

I have to shake that one off. The last thing I need is something else to worry about or distract me today. 

We approach the command console. I'm a little more cautious about Garrus touching it this time, just in case. "EDI? I'm setting up a bridge between you and the Collector ship. See if you can get anything useful," I tell the AI. 

"Data mine in progress, Shepard," EDI replies. 

There's a pause while we wait, not much to see or do on this end, though I can tell Garrus is anxious to get his hands on the thing. He's such a nerd; I love him. 

"Uh...that can't be good," Joker mutts on the comms. 

Suddenly, the entire platform shudders and rocks, and a loud bang echoes around the chamber. A light bursts from the command center before slowly, all around us, the platform locks start clicking out of place. "The fuck?" Garrus growls, diving at the console. "Shit, now I'm locked out of the fucking thing." 

"Commander!" Joker cries. 

"Everyone's alright, Joker," I tell him. "What just happened?"

"Major power surge. Everything went dark, but we're back up now." 

EDI adds, "I managed to divert the majority of the overload to non-critical systems. Shepard, it was not a malfunction. This was a trap." 

A loud pop startles all of us before I can react to that, and then the platform lifts and starts to carry us away. Of all the things here that have been horrible, this is the worst. 

"We need a little help here, EDI.” We're at the mercy of whoever trapped us without EDI stepping in. 

"I am having trouble maintaining connection. There is someone else in the system." 

Garrus swears and slams his hand down on the console, likely feeling helpless and hating it. 

Suddenly, the console stops and all of us are thrown. I catch myself, but Miranda flies to the floor - hard. Garrus helps her up, but before I can check on her, a noise catches my attention. I turn and find another platform like the one we're on flying toward us from the other end of this massive core in the ship. 

"Connection reestablished," EDI announces. "I need to finish the download before I can override any systems.” 

"I think you'd better get it done fast, EDI," I tell her. "We've got company." 

That platform and then a second lands where they connect to our platforms. Obviously, this set-up is intentional - especially because there's a Scion on one of the platforms. We hunker down and start to fight, using the platform to get cover and staying put. More platforms arrive, and Harbinger joins us by taking control of one of the collectors. 

The fight isn't easy, but considering we're trapped inside this damn thing, we have the advantage of being desperate to win. It helps too that we know this particular Collector ship has a greater mission, and it doesn't just involve stalking me but taking Earth - and God knows how many other Collector ships are involved in the same plan. 

"EDI, get us out of here!" MIranda cries when yet another set of platforms joins us - at least the fifth and sixth. Harbinger spawns every chance he gets, and the Collectors are very well armed. 

"I am simultaneously firing Collector firewalls in over 8,000 nodes. I am tasked to capacity." There is no missing the frustration or snark in EDI's tone, AI or not. 

More Scions appear, only making all of this worse. "Stay here, stay in cover. Make them come to us," I command. 

"Aye, Commander," Garrus answers quickly, using the distance to our advantage with his rifle. Miranda confirms as well and we each continue doing what we do best. Harbinger comes back one final time, and I have the pleasure of taking the kill shot...right to his face. 

"You fell behind at the end there, big guy," I tease Garrus as we all get to our feet, clear of enemies for the moment. 

"You used me taking their shields to get the shots, kid," he replies quickly, always thinking on his feet. I just laugh and wink at him, sure I'll be punished later for it and looking forward to it. Garrus and I both need the opportunity to get grounded again after this disaster. 

"Shepard, you must manually reestablish my link to the command console," EDI tells us, her voice calm again now. 

"I...don't love the idea of doing that again, EDI. Not that I don't trust you but..." 

"I'm on the Commander's side," Joker chimes in. "Last time, a hologram of a Collector popped up in my cockpit. On my ship! I don't want that thing in here." 

"I am now prepared for their attempt and firewalls," EDI says. "I can keep them out." 

Garrus says, "I could use my Omni-Tool to establish the connection between EDI and the console. My encryption and firewalls are strong." He smirks and adds, "Of course then I'll have to redo all of my encryptions after you see them, EDI." 

"Garrus, I have seen much more compromising pieces of you than your encryptions," the AI quips, sending all of us - including Garrus - into laughter. 

"I'm willing to trust EDI on this," I inform the crew. "So long as you are, Joker." 

There's a pause, and I'm sure the pilot is up there cursing me out in his head. He does not want to admit that he can or should or will trust the thing he calls ship cancer. But if I know Joker, I can also trust him to make the right call. 

"Yeah. We can trust EDI." He never lets me down. 

Garrus and EDI get to work, and less than a minute later, EDI's familiar visual 'being' pops up on the console in front of us. "I have regained control of the platform, Shepard," EDI announces. 

"I knew you wouldn’t let me down, EDI." 

"I always work at optimal capacity, Shepard." 

Garrus chuckles, likely recognizing it as a shot at Miranda for being so impatient. 

EDI disappears from the console and the platform lifts again, not any more gently. We head back the way we came this time, though. "Did you get what we need?" I ask, using the comms again now. 

"I found data that could help us successfully navigate the Omega 4 relay." 

I feel a weight lift from my shoulders instantly, relief coming through me in a wave. Miranda lets out a little cheer, and Garrus pats me firmly on the back. We have a way forward now. 

"I also found the Turian distress call that served as the lure for this trap," EDI continues as she places the platform back down where it started. "The Collectors were the source. It is unusual." 

"It seems logical to me that they would have sent the initial message as bait," I note.

"No, it is unusual because Turian emergency channels have secondary encryption." I glance at Garrus because even though I trust EDI, I trust him more. He nods to confirm. "It is corrupted in the message. It is not possible that the Illusive Man would believe the distress call was genuine." 

My gut starts to tighten, and I can feel heat coursing through my veins. "Why are you so sure, EDI?" I need her to be sure before I lose it. Especially with Garrus on the comms and on the edge again. 

"I found the anomaly with Cerberus detection protocol," EDI says. She pauses, and then dumps another bomb: "He wrote them." 

My heart stutters, and Garrus snarls from behind me. I reach for him immediately, grateful when he takes my hand and keeps as much control as I can expect. More than I feel capable of at the moment. 

"He knew it was a trap?" Joker demands. "Why would he send us into a trap?"

Garrus is still growling, and when I turn to him, I find the Turian glaring at Miranda. He'll tear her limb from limb if I give him reason or if I freak out, too. As hard as it may be, I have to control myself for now. 

"We don't have time to throw blame around. We'll question him when we're out." 

"Not much to question him on," Garrus scoffs. "Cerberus has been disloyal up to now. I don't know why we would expect anything else from a terrorist organization." 

"No!" Miranda protests. "The commander's right. There must be some other explanation." 

I step in front of Garrus before his foot can even lift all the way off the floor to go at her. I'm sure he'd love a fight, but I'm not going to let him have one. Not right now. Garrus still wants her head, I know, but he won't go through me for it. 

"Uh, Commander?" Joker says. "We got another problem. The Collector ship is powering up. You need to get out of there before their weapons come online. I am not losing another Normandy!" 

All around us, as if on cue, we can see and hear the ship coming to life. Power is returning, the Collectors are here, and we're about to be very, very screwed. 

Garrus grabs my arm. "I'm not losing you to this ship again. We're getting out of here." 

"Damn right. Let's move!" 

We all get running, moving at double time. We have to expect resistance, but we cannot stop moving forward. Not at any point. We are getting off this ship. 

"I do not have full control of their systems," EDI says. "I will do what I can. Sending coordinates for shuttle extraction." 

We move even faster with a map. I don't love that it means heading further into the ship, but we've learned we can trust EDI, so we push on. 

"Around the corner," the AI tells us. "Take the door on your right. Expect Collectors." 

We follow her directions, coming to a central area before the Collectors arrive, all of them getting very much in our way. "Take 'em down quick and we might keep Harbinger out," Garrus notes. 

"Good call. Reserve ammo." 

This time during the fight, we are constantly moving forward. Garrus and Miranda stay close and stay focused, so the Collectors don't manage to flank us or really slow us down. We clear out a round of Collectors and then a few more before getting hit by husks. Probably my least favorite form of enemy. 

We push into the next area of the ship that EDI directs us to, and we're forced to jump down a ledge into a large room. "I am opening the door on the other side of the room," EDI tells us. 

The room is full of husks and Collectors, so getting to that unlocked door is not going to be as easy as EDI makes it sound. And then one of those massive Praetorian sons of bitches that we saw on Horizon comes into the room. These things are a whole bitch to take out. 

I set Miranda's focus on the other enemies in the room. She can't handle them as quickly as the three of us combined could, but she can handle them. And that means Garrus and I can focus on the Praetorian with a combination of biotics, tech skills, and firepower. Even still, it's not easy. 

We manage to control it for the most part, but the Praetorian gets in one good hit. I barely stumble after landing against a wall, but I can see Garrus's control cracking even further. I need to get my guy out of here; he's way too close to his demons right now. As a team, we manage to clear the room and then proceed toward the door. As if we need more bullshit, it locks before we can go through it. 

"We've got a problem," I tell EDI through the comms. 

"A temporary setback on Firewall 3217," she confirms. "Rerouting commands through Firewall 7164." There's a pause, and I consider telling her that I have no idea what any of that means, I just want to get off the ship. It doesn't much matter, though. "I have successfully opened a door on the opposite wall. I will keep it open as long as I can." 

The door behind us opens, and we push through it. It leads into a small hallway that ends up overlooking another part of the ship. "That's where we came aboard, isn't it?" Garrus checks. 

"Must be getting close to the end." Miranda is hopeful; I'm trying to be. 

Unfortunately, it's too high for us to just jump over the ledge, so we have to proceed through the hall. EDI unlocks the correct door for us when we have choices to make. Along the way, we get hit by Collectors and husks. It's impossible not to be slowed down by them, but we keep pushing. 

A Scion enters the battle, so we maneuver to take the high ground away from the Collectors and use it to control the room. After the Scion goes down and the room clears, I order an ammo check. We've been successful conserving it. 

"Uh, Commander?" Joker calls. "I hate to rush you, but those weapons are about to come online. Might want to double-time it. You know so we can leave before they blow the Normandy in half. Again." 

My heart is thumping as quickly as my feeting are moving, and then we run almost directly into a huge wave of husks. 

"We're out of time, Commander!" Joker cries. "We have to go!" 

Miranda and Garrus both look at me, prepared to shoot but not doing it yet. We're all clearly on the same page. It's a risk, but it's our best shot. 

"You heard the man. Everybody onto the shuttle. Move!" 

We all break into a run, blowing past the husks without bothering to fight them. The husks give chase, but turning themselves around makes them less coordinated. We mostly ignore them, only needing to shoot a few that get too close, and then race for the shuttle. 

We practically dive into it and none of us bothers strapping in before it takes off for the Normandy, which still has to speed out of here. Garrus and I skip the elevator and take the hatch up, then sprint through the ship toward the cockpit. I can barely breathe by the time we get there. This is all way too damn familiar. 

"Strap in people!" Joker calls. 

As we're jerked hard by the ship taking off, the Collector comes to life, and a beam that I still see in my nightmare flashes way too close to the front of the ship. Joker maneuvers expertly, and Garrus takes me into his arms. Whether that's to keep me from falling while the ship twists and turns or because he knows I'm riding the edge now too, I don't care to ask. 

"I can't dodge this guy forever, EDI. Get us the hell out of here!" Joker shouts. 

"Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau," EDI replies calmly. 

Joker growls and snaps, "Anywhere that's not here!" 

"Very well. Engaging mass effect core." 

And then we're gone. Safe, in one piece, and out of range. 

"The next time I see that fucking thing, I'm giving it the Thanix. And I'm not asking for permission to fire," Garrus warns. 

"I won't try to stop you," I promise. 

"I'll line up the shot," Joker chimes in. 

I lean into Garrus, trying to catch my breath. It got close, but it didn't kill me. Not this time. It didn't kill any of us. Garrus hugs me much tighter than he usually does, just bordering on too tight, and I know that he's trying to remind himself of the same. 

Something dings on Joker's console and he scoffs at it. "Call coming in from the Illusive Man, Shep. Figure you've got some words for him, too." 

"You're damn right." I want to run now, but I have Garrus to consider still. "Joker, can I trust you to take care of the big guy until I get back?"

"I don't need a babysitter," Garrus growls, more petulant than angry. 

Joker laughs, climbing out of his chair and approaching us as Garrus lets me go - reluctantly, I know. "No babysitting. Just winding down, violent video games, and drinks. Come on." 

I choose not to comment on the drinks part. I don't know enough to comment, but I know I can trust Garrus. We part near the elevator, Garrus not letting go of my fingers until he absolutely has to. I know the feeling; I'd like to just hide away with him for a while. 

Soon. First, I need to deal with a traitor. 

I head to the comm room, stopping only once to ask EDI to feed the conversation into Miranda's office. I want her to hear whatever the outcome of this is for herself so that I know the Illusive Man doesn't turn around and tell her something else. I want Miranda on my side. 

"Shepard," he greets me, in his usual place and position with a cigarette and a double whiskey. "Looks like EDI extracted some interesting data before the Collector ship came back online." 

"EDI told us the distress call originated from the Collectors. You betrayed us. Just like I knew you would." I should have trusted my gut; I'm almost as mad at myself as I am at this asshole. 

"We're at war," he retorts. "The Collectors are taking humans, and every minute we waste is one more we give the enemy to prepare." 

"I know the stakes," I reply, balling my hands into fists because hitting a hologram will not be satisfying and for no other reason. "But we're supposed to be on the same side, and I can't trust you." 

The Illusive Man just waves that off and takes a long drag of his cigarette. "Without that information, we don't reach the Collector homeworld. And you and every other human may be well as dead." 

I note that he doesn't mention himself among the humans. I wouldn't be surprised if he were part robot or some new, awful, creepy species. I hope the rest of his kind don't have those eyes of his. 

"It was a trap," the Illusive Man allows, "but I was confident in your abilities." He stands up. "And don't forget EDI. The Collectors couldn't have anticipated her." 

"You could have told me the plan," I protest. "You say I'm important, but you sure try hard to get me killed. You invested in me. Why lie?"

He sunk four billion credits and two years into bringing me back, only to throw me to the wolves every chance he gets. I spent a hundred credits on lingerie for Garrus, and I plan to protect it for life. Waste really is the name of the game for Cerberus. 

"I needed the Collectors to believe they had the upper hand. Telling you could’ve tipped them off in any number of ways. Besides, I wouldn't have sent you in if I didn't think you could succeed." 

"I don't risk people," I snap. "There are always alternatives." 

"You may not like being on the receiving end - neither would I," he allows, "but the facts are with me. As much as we try to avoid them, these decisions must be made. But more importantly...it paid off." 

He sits back down, and I feel sick. I can't imagine what I would be like now if Captain Anderson were more like this man when he took me under his wing, a screwed up and angry biotic kid. Instead of morals, compassion, and prioritizing lives, I would probably have a wake of civilian and teammate death behind me. 

"EDI confirmed our suspicions," he continues after another long drag of his cigarette. "The Reapers and Collector ships use an advanced Identify Friend Foe system that the relays recognize. All we need to do is get our hands on one of those IFFs." 

"And I guess you have a plan?" It would be nice if we'd known this while on a Collector ship a few minutes ago. 

The Illusive Man takes a sip of his whiskey. It's a tell. He has no plan, and he's not happy about it. "I have science and research teams on the task of finding or developing one, whichever comes first. As soon as I know, you will. In the meantime, I suggest you tell your crew I didn't risk their lives unnecessarily. It will make things easier going forward." 

"I don't take advice on how to lead my crew from people who don't care about theirs," I snap at him, already turning and on my way out of the room. Unfortunately, he’s not wrong about one thing. I need to update the crew, and I need to keep morale up. “EDI, get the crew in here, please. Damn it.” 

It takes five minutes for them all to show and much less time for me to tell them what happened, what we’re facing, and what happens from here. I have to spin it so that none of them are ready to revolt against Cerberus, no matter what I wish I could do. And no matter the looks Garrus and Miranda are trying to hide; they know the truth. And Miranda is on my side for once! 

“First thing is to get an IFF,” I announce. “The Illusive Man is on it, and we’ll keep our ears to ground around the Collectors as well. But just because we can follow the Collectors through the relay doesn’t mean we can take them out. I don’t want to go after them until I know we’re ready.” 

“We need that IFF before any of it matters,” Garrus notes, nodding to agree with me. “Gives us more time to get where we need to be.” 

“Whenever it happens, we’ll be with you, Commander,” Tali announces with a firm nod. The team chimes in to agree with her, and my chest swells with pride. We have an excellent team, and I’m going to get all of us as strong and prepared as possible before we head through that Relay. When we have the IFF, we’ll be on our way to saving the galaxy. 

Joker chimes in over the intercom. “Yeah, this is great and all, but I was on my way to a drink when you called, Commander. Can we get back to it?

“Shut up and let her shower,” Garrus snaps playfully. He then smiles at me and explains. “The crew is gathering in the Starboard Observation Room for a movie. Go shower and then meet us all in there.” 

I happily follow my Turian's suggestion, going upstairs and right into the shower again. I consider getting actually dressed after, but I'd rather be comfortable and considering the mission we just had, I deserve a little comfort. I also deserve a little alone time with Garrus, but I'm kind of looking forward to winding down with the crew. I pull on sweats, a tank top, and my favorite zip-up. Then I skip the boots for fuzzy socks and head downstairs to the Observation Deck. I can hear the crew laughing through the door before they open. 

"Hey, there's our Commander!" Matthews cheers, his cheeks pink enough for me to know that the drink in his hand is not his first. The cheer that goes up around the whole room makes me sure the rest of them are just as drunk, but I still blush from the praise.   
And then I blush even harder when a strong arm wraps around my waist from behind and pulls me back into an even harder body. 

"You feeling okay?" Garrus murmurs, pressing his face into my neck. I lean into him, eager to soak in his warmth and grateful that he changed out of his armor so I can actually feel him. 

"I’m fine. Except that the Illusive Man is still alive," I quip. He laughs and nips my ear before letting me go just a little, taking my hand instead and guiding me toward a chair near the back of the room. He sits, and I happily take a seat on his lap. 

"Drink?" Kasumi offers, holding up one of those yummy but deadly pink things that she makes. I can't say no and I don't even try. "Garrus?"

He shakes, his head and holds up a water bottle. Kasumi just smiles and nods but it strikes me, and I wonder if taking a drink of my own was a mistake. As she steps away, the crew settles in for the movie they choose, I shift to be able to look at Garrus without getting off his lap. "You used to drink," I note, hoping that I don't sound like I'm fishing or accusing him of something. 

"Yeah, I...used to. Maybe I still do...I don't know." He takes a little breath and shakes his head, his expression completely uncomfortable. 

"You don't have to talk to me about this, Garrus. You're allowed to keep some things private." 

Garrus kisses me quickly. "Thank you for saying that. But it's probably long overdue that I tell you. I made a lot of bad decisions on Omega and spent a lot of time at the bottom of a bottle. I'm...trying not to get back there." 

"Jesus." It slips out before I mean to say it, but Garrus gives a little laugh instead of freaking out from it. "Sorry, I just...sorry. Everytime I learn more about what you went through on Omega it makes me feel worse and worse. Do you...I mean are you - " 

"An alcoholic?" We're being quiet, but Garrus and I both glance around to make sure we're not going to get overheard. "No, I don't think so. Or maybe. I don't know. I depended on it when I shouldn't have, tried to drown in it. I think I could have a drink now, times like these, because I don't desperately want one. But it makes me a little nervous, too." 

I nod and assure him, "I can understand why it would. You won't get pressure from me, I promise. Would you prefer that I didn't drink in front of you?"

"No, it's totally fine. Thank you, but really. Drink." He smirks and adds, "You earned it." 

"You're not wrong." I toast him and take a sip, enjoying the sweet flavor and soft bite. "Mmm, these are delicious." 

"Oh, yeah? Let me taste." Garrus's mouth is on me before I see him coming, and he uses my surprise to his advantage, slipping his tongue into my mouth. He makes a soft humming noise, also enjoying the taste, but I don't let him pull away. I can't. I need a taste, too.

Garrus is the responsible one, parting our lips by just a little and resting his forehead against mine. 

"You really are exceptional at that." 

"I had a lot of incentive to get good at it." He kisses me once more, briefly but nipping my bottom lip before parting from me again. "I could spend all day kissing you, baby."

With perfect timing, someone turns the lights out. Garrus and I are far enough away from the screen that we're mostly in shadow, and no one else is sitting all that close to us. So I give Garrus a little of what he asked for and take advantage of the pseudo-privacy by pulling his face to mine and kissing him. Garrus doesn't hesitate to return it, holding my hand and keeping this slow. It's...sweet. A soft exploration that feels almost like our first kiss did, feeling each other out and figuring out what the other likes. And I learn that Garrus really enjoys it when I suck on his tongue. 

"I know you want to spend time with your crew," he murmurs into my ear, flicking his tongue at the soft spot behind it, "but tonight was hard. I want you. And I have a present for you." 

"A present?" He knows exactly how to get my attention - sex and presents. I scan the room, finding most of the crew involved with the movie. They won't even notice if we sneak out. And I know they'll understand if we need a break after seeing the mission reports. Honestly even if they might be a little upset, I can't bring myself to care a lot. Not once Garrus nips my earlobe. "Let's go." 

"That's my girl." I lift the glass, only then remembering my drink, to down it quickly before we go, but Garrus quickly and smoothly removes it from my hand. "How strong are these? I need sober consent if we're gonna look at your present." 

"They're strong," I admit. "My biotics probably burn alcohol off too quickly for one to matter, but I don't need it though. It's fine." Honestly, I'm just grateful he cares so much. It's a huge relief to be able to trust him as much as I do. And after a day like today, I need to be able to let someone else make decisions and take control for a while. 

Garrus leaves my side only to put the glass on the bar and then grabs my hand, tugging me out of the room behind him quickly. I expect him to break for the elevator but he pushes me against the wall and rolls his hips into me. I gasp at his erection, hard and hot against my waist. "I've been hard since the moment you sat on my lap. You still have no idea what you do to me." 

"I know I love when you show me," I tell him. I reach for him but Garrus growls and catches my hands, trapping both of them above my head on the wall. My heart sets to racing immediately when I recognize the look on his face. He wants to play, and I want it desperately. 

He shifts quickly, spinning me around so my arms are crossed against the wall and still trapped. And now his erection is rubbing into my ass. All I can think about is when he took me in the hallway upstairs, and I want it again. Here and now. Why the hell would I let him take me right here with our crew right there? What is wrong with me? I can't even care when Garrus rolls his hips. 

"Let's go." He smacks my ass hard enough to make me jump. "I can't wait to give you this present." 

Garrus spins me again and kisses me before leading me into the elevator. I want to throw myself at him, but I grab the railing to stop myself. I want to obey him even more. Garrus gives me a knowing little grin, well aware of his control over me, and taps the panel for our floor. He leans against the wall on the opposite side of the elevator and gives me a once over. 

"Are you feeling okay after tonight?" The question throws me, and I blink at him. He smiles much more gently this time. "I want you, but this was a tough one. Especially with what the Illusive Man did to us and the threat to Earth. We haven't debriefed yet. If you need to talk it out, I'm here for you." 

"God, I love you." I love the surprise that flashes over his face, too. But he's right. He's effectively distracted me from the hell of our mission today, but it was a rough one. For both of us. "The same goes for you, big guy. You were more on edge tonight than I've ever seen you." 

Garrus looks away, his mandibles tightening to his face. 

"Hey, no." I cross the elevator as the doors open and press my hands into his chest. "I didn't mean that as an insult. It means everything to me that you love me as much as you do." 

"I never want to add to your burdens though, Shepard." 

I shake my head. "No, you didn't. It was more motivation, really. You keep me going." 

He pulls me into his arms and carries me from the elevator, right into our quarters. And then he throws me onto the bed, the bounce in the mattress knocking a giggle out of me. 

"Don't move." Garrus pulls his shirt off over his head, pulling it from behind his fringe. The move is just as sexy now as the first time he did it, our very first night together. Only this time, he then walks away, and I've been ordered not to move so I can't see where he's going. Less sexy. Okay, that's not true, but definitely more frustrating.

Garrus comes back quickly. I can tell that he has something in his hand but I don't get a chance to see what it is before Garrus puts it down on the table and then crawls over me, tugging down the zipper of my hoodie so he can lick and nip across the top of my breasts. I moan when he licks slowly along my cleavage but then end up giggling again when he buries his face between my breasts. 

He's grinning when he sits up and unzips the hoodie the rest of the way. His hands slide around my waist, Garrus growling softly at what's a very sexual move for him and using the hold to sit me up. He kisses me with enough passion to take my breath away, shoving his hand into my hair and holding me still while he explores my mouth. He only pulls his hand away to take off my hoodie and top, purring appreciatively when he takes my bra off, and then he lays me down again. 

I realize with just a few kisses that Garrus is planning to torture me tonight, moving slowly and with purpose. He knows every single inch of my body, everywhere to lick or nip to tug or tease to get me going absolutely wild. And he proves his expertise. Somehow without ever taking my pants off, without even using his hands, within just minutes, Garrus gets me dangling right on the edge and whimpering for him. 

He flicks his tongue slowly over my nipple, then catches the tip with his teeth and tugs sharply. Sparks shoot through me and come to life with my biotics, surging through both of us and drawing moans. Garrus finally brings his hands to my breasts, squeezing hard. "I've always wanted to make you cum like this baby," he moans. The fact that he sounds just as turned on as I feel only makes this better. 

"And to think," I manage, panting and fisting the sheets when he brings his tongue back to my skin. "You didn't even know how to get a bra off when we met."

Garrus chuckles but punishes me with a bite sharp enough to arch my spine and bring on another biotic surge. It also brings another wave of heat through my core, an orgasm brewing hard and heavy. He switches to the other breast and continues his fantastic assault. My brain is telling me that this should be impossible, but my body is very sure that this is going somewhere, and my heart starts racing when I shut my brain off to give in. 

The orgasm rocks through me, my body shuddering under Garrus's ministrations. When he pulls away, the damn Turian looks cockier than ever, and I don't mind one bit. Especially when he shifts a tiny bit and groans in obvious pain, his erection throbbing against my thigh. "Worth it," he murmurs, shifting up to kiss me. "That was fun." 

"Was that my present?" 

Garrus laughs and kisses me one more time before pulling away. He runs his tongue between my hips, making me arch off the bed yet again, and then stands as if he didn't just torture me. "No, baby, that wasn't your present. This is." He reaches for the thing he put on the table and tosses it to me casually before undoing his belt. 

The black thing in my hand is soft but firm and sort of a cone in shape with a ring coming off the wide end. It's not very long, the triangular piece only the length of my index finger, and maybe a couple fingers wide at the widest point. It's...totally unfamiliar. 

"What is this? And is it stupid that I don't know?"

"I didn't expect you to know," Garrus answers, not laughing at me. "It's an anal plug." 

He says that so simply, as if that doesn't make my heart stutter. I can imagine what it's for now that I know, the shape and ring a little more logical. I guess I'm happy it's not bigger but shit, it's not tiny. 

"This is part of the whole...training, stretching thing?" 

"Mmhmm. It's smaller than my fingers, right?" I nod, but it doesn't ease much of my concern. Or my arousal, really. "The difference is...you're gonna keep it in longer." 

I look up at him, and Garrus winks before shoving his pants and shorts down, very effectively distracting me with his cock. He once again guides me to lay down on the bed, this time, standing over me and undoing my pants while he talks. 

"I'm going to put that inside you while I spank you," he tells me, using the deep voice I like so much. "And then you're going to suck me off while we keep it there. After, if you can take it, I'd like to fuck you before taking it out." 

The casual, calm, almost methodical way he says that makes my head spin. 

"Listen to me, Shepard," he orders. It commands my attention immediately. "'If you can take it' is not a challenge. If it's too uncomfortable or sore, we're taking it out. Believe me, baby, you're getting fucked either way."

"Oh, God." 

"Exactly. Understand?" I nod, my mouth dry, and he narrows his eyes at me. "Now you're getting spanked and not just for fun. Do...you...understand?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Much better." He steps back and orders, "On your feet." I obey him quickly, scrambling off the bed and standing in front of him. He doesn't look at me, just steps around me, sits, and holds his hand out for the anal plug which I put into his palm. "Get the lube for me." I do that in a hurry as well, aware that I'm in a little trouble for not answering him with my words on something new and significant. Garrus takes that rule more seriously than anything else. And he told me what would happen if I broke the rules. 

Garrus shifts a little to set his feet shoulder-width apart, and I know it's to stabilize himself because it's the way soldiers all sit on shuttles to avoid getting tossed off our seats. At the moment and on this Turian, it looks dangerous. He looks dangerous. God, he makes me hot. 

"Take your panties off and come lay across my lap." That feels stranger than I expect. He's spanked me a few times now, and I'm coming to look forward to it. I might even have gotten myself in trouble once or twice to get spanked. But every time, Garrus has pulled me over his lap. He makes that move. Having to do it myself is...well, I feel a lot more submissive this way. 

It's almost embarrassing. It probably would be with anyone else. Of course, I would never be in this position with anyone else. Ever. And it's my faith in Garrus, my unshakeable trust in him, that makes this possible. 

I remember him telling me when we started all this that the mindset was important. I'm supposed to feel it. That's never been more apparent than when, completely naked, I lay across his lap and prepare for him to spank me. 

"You hated that, didn't you?" he teases, offering a pillow for me to prop my head up on. I accept it and admit the truth; I didn't love that, and I never love the anticipation. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. 

The first time Garrus's hand meets my ass, it's in a gentle stroking motion. That only gets my heart racing even faster, fear and excitement for what comes next coursing through me. 

"We need to deal with your punishment before you get any fun," he informs me, voice deep and firm. "Tell me why you're being punished, my love." The sweet pet name doesn't fit the tone and somehow that makes it better than usual. He manages that balance between the strict Dom I need and the soft man I want so well. 

"I didn't answer you with my words, sir," I respond. It's not an effort to keep my voice soft and as un-commander like as possible. That's not who I am right now. I'm not even sure I could put on that mask I spent a decade perfecting at the moment. I don’t miss it. 

"No, you didn't. And do you know why that's a problem, Elle?"

"Because you have to know that you have my consent." 

"That's right." He squeezes my ass a little, just a bit of praise. "I have to know that you feel safe, or we can't do anything at all. But when you don't speak, you make me feel unsafe." Another squeeze and he asks, "Don't you know what it would do to me if I hurt or violated you? Your words are for both of us. I need you to focus on that during this so I know you understand that. This is not something I want to have to punish you for again, Shepard." 

He almost never calls me Shepard during play or punishment. I was taking him seriously before, but the moment I hear that, something clicks inside me. Nothing about this is play or the enjoyable sort of punishment. I screwed up. I'll take my punishment, but I need him to know that I hear him. 

"I didn't take that seriously enough, sir. I'm sorry. I understand now." 

Garrus's hand pauses, then pats gently. "Good girl. Let's get this out of the way for both our sakes, baby." 

His hand lifts and then comes down sharp - hard. It's one of the harder smacks he's ever given me, and it takes my breath away for a moment. I remember to count before he can reprimand me for that, too. Garrus keeps it up, these smack definitely not playful. They get the message across. And yet by the fifth one, I can feel an ache in my core to match the sting in my ass. The pain creates the arousal in a way I never knew was possible before Garrus, and I love it. 

The sixth smack comes down on a sore spot. I don't necessarily love that. But then Garrus cups my ass, letting me know that the punishment part is over, and I can breathe a little. He shifts a tiny bit and I can feel his erection against my stomach, trying to pop up from in between his legs. This gets both of us hot. 

"You did good," he breathes, voice rough. "Still with me?"

"Yes, sir," I answer quickly, trying to make my voice stronger so he knows I mean it. I'm good. I want more. God, I want him everywhere and anyhow I can get him. 

"Good girl. Your ass is the best shade of pink right now, baby. Let's see if you took your punishment well, hmm?" Garrus slips his fingers between my legs, very intentionally grazing one hole before slipping into the other. I know I'm wet, and his appreciative groan confirms that. "Mmm, damn baby. Yeah, you earned your present." 

I can't see what he's doing when his hands pull away, and that gets my anxiety soaring. But I trust Garrus enough to wait, and he never fails me, only leaving me hanging for a second before he does exactly what I need and talks me through it. I don't even have to ask. 

"I'm gonna get this lubed up for you. I promise this is less than you've taken before, but it'll feel more intense if you can handle me spanking you with it in. But we'll enjoy it even if you can't. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you." 

Garrus surprises me by leaning down and pressing his mouth to the back of my head, his best impression of a kiss. "I have you, Elle," he murmurs before straightening up again. A gasp escapes me when his finger slips back inside me, but it's brief. And then he's somewhere else, pressing that little plug into my ass. "Remember what he talked about with relaxing, baby," he guides me. "If you can push out, that'll help. Keep breathing." 

I'm moaning around a dry mouth when I feel the plug slip in just a bit. "That's my girl," Garrus purrs. "You gotta let me get this inside you, let me work on stretching you out if you ever want my cock in this ass. And you do want that, don't you, my love?"

"Yes. I want that," I pant, bracing myself before I remember him telling me about relaxing. I take a breath and follow this advice, pushing out. Garrus and I both groan when he guides the plug the rest of the way in. 

"Fuck, this looks good in you, baby. Damn." 

It feels...odd. It might always feel odd, I realize. But it also feels good. And listening to Garrus growl about it...well, that's enough to get me to agree to just about anything even if it didn't feel good. Pretty damn good, actually. 

"How is it?"

"Good. Almost too still." 

He chuckles a little. "Yeah, that's normal. It just sitting there will work to stretch you but feel a little weird. Here, tell me if this helps." 

Garrus has a different style of spanking when he's playful, when he's trying to turn me on instead of just doing it as a side effect of the punishment. They're still hard, but not as sharp, and more of them land on the junction of my ass and thighs. I like those. It's an entirely different experience with the plug in. Each smack shifts the plug just a little, making me feel fuller and making me anticipate the slaps more. 

He slips one hand under me, finding my clit blind and teasing it while he continues to spank me playfully. It takes next to nothing for me to explode, the orgasm building and cresting all at the same moment, it seems. "You've done enough, baby, good job," he praises me, rubbing my ass in soothing motions. "Get on your feet, but do it slowly. The plug might throw you off, and your ass might be sore." 

I don't resist him steadying me while I get to standing. He was right, it's definitely throwing me off. My legs are weak from the spanking, too. 

"How are you feeling?" he asks, pulling me against him without standing so we're almost equal height. I slump into him more than I mean to, and Garrus gives me a look that is far more concerned than I want. 

"I'm okay," I assure him. "Just...adjusting." 

He studies me for a moment and then nods. "I trust you. Come here." Garrus pulls my mouth to his with a hand in my hair, kissing me deeply but slowly. I melt this time though it's still more than I mean to, and Garrus holds me close. He's throbbing and rock hard against me, but he doesn't rush the kiss, and when he brings me to the bed under him, it's slowly and without pulling his mouth away. 

Garrus pulls my legs around his waist, the stretch making me moan with the intrusion in my ass, and then he drags his hands over my waist, stretching my arms over my head and linking our fingers. He kisses me again as he enters me, completely owning me everywhere that he possibly could. 

His cock always feels good inside me, but the double penetration is entirely different than the usual. It's...wow. 

I'm forced to pull my mouth from Garrus's and cry out, throwing my head back into the mattress as he sinks completely inside me. I can feel his cock pressing against the plug, making that feel tighter. The combined experience is almost too much. No, it is too much. 

"Shampoo." 

Garrus freezes in an instant and releases my hands, pushing himself to sit up. "I'm gonna pull out, baby, hang on." 

"No, wait!" I grab him around the neck and by the carapace. He lets me pull him close again but doesn't move his hips or move to touch me. "It's just a lot. I wasn't...I didn't know..." My head is spinning too fast for words to work, my heart racing so hard it feels hard to breathe, my body on overload. I can feel my biotics starting to spark without permission, and I just hang onto Garrus for stability. 

"Easy, Shepard, breathe for me." He presses his forehead against mine, and that tingling sensation in my spine settles me a little. I even manage a real breath. "Let's take a step back. I'll take the plug out, alright?"

"I want it," I manage, easing a bit more when he nuzzles me. 

"I know, I know, and you'll get it. We'll get there, I promise. Let's just go a little slower, okay?" He nudges my nose with his and murmurs, "We have forever, baby. There's no reason to rush anything." 

I force my eyes open. "You promise we'll try again even if we stop now?"

"Of course." He smiles. "I can trust you to tell me when you need to stop, so we can try whatever you want. I can't tell you how much that means to me." I nod, feeling a burn start in my eyes. I know what's coming and Garrus does too, but he doesn't pull away while I still have this hold on him. "Let me pull out, baby, it’s okay." 

It's just as much sensation moving out as it was in, and it doesn't actually feel gone once I know it is. But I'm not in any condition to determine anything at the moment, and we both know it. I give everything over to Garrus, knowing that I can and that he'll catch me. 

In moments, Garrus has me cradled in his arms. He produces a water bottle from the stock he put in the table beside the bed and opens it for me, ready. And then he gets us under the blankets, laying almost entirely on top of me. He trails one hand through my hair and runs the other from the back of my knee up to my shoulder and back, slow and steady. Tears that I can't help, can't stop, start flowing as Garrus starts to talk softly. "First time using your safeword feels big, I know. And it is big, it's important. I'm really proud of you, kid." 

"Thank you," I manage between sobs. He smiles and presses his mouth to my forehead, not making fun of me for crying or making me feel bad about it. It helps, and when he rolls to bring me into his side, I don't object. I don't even object to his insistence that I take sips of the water. The crash, as he calls it, seems not to last as long this time as before, but Garrus rubs my back slowly for a while after the crying stops. I have no complaints. 

"Do you want to shower?" I shake my head and snuggle closer, finding my favorite spot on his shoulder. "Do you want to sleep?"

I tilt my head to look up at him. "Can we wake up early and pick up where we left off? Maybe just without the plug?"

"Yes and no. I have an idea." He tilts his head to nuzzle the top of my head. "Sleep. You can trust me." 

"I do," I assure him, letting my eyes fall closed and the comforting feel of him, the warmth and that fantastic scent, start to tug me steadily into sleep. "I love you," I manage before I let it have me. 

I swear I hear him say something before I fall completely asleep...I almost think it's what I want to hear from him. But I fall asleep before I can ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consent is sexy, folks. Hope you enjoyed!


	29. But First

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If youre in the States, today sucks. Actually, no matter where you are, the world is crappy and on fire. So I thought I'd try to make someone smile with a bonus chapter that is purely smut. I hope you enjoy.

I almost always wake before Shepard, so I don't have to worry about it if I'm planning something in the morning. And this morning, I'm planning something. 

I get up early and get out of bed carefully, not daring to disturb Shepard. I put her through the wringer last night. I know that Shepard isn't going to be mad at me, and I know that I focused on her safety primarily. I always do. But knowing all of that doesn't eliminate the guilt that washes through me when I get into the elevator. 

All we can do is be aware of risk and make sure we have consent, I know. But Shepard is my whole world, and seeing her hurt kills me. Seeing her hurt by me is almost unbearable. 

The good thing that came of it, though, was Shepard using her safe word. I had some reservations that she would fight it, be too stubborn or too 'tough' to use it when she needed to. Now that I know she's willing, I trust her that much more and we can try much, much more. It also gave Shepard an opportunity to see first hand that using the safe word came with no consequences. I'm sure that she believed me, but it helps to know for sure. We'll move on from last night to be even better than we were. 

But this morning, I'm going to coddle her a little. It'll make both of us feel better. 

I'm in Mess Hall early enough that it's empty, so I can complete my task in the kitchen in peace. It's a blessing that no one can watch how much trouble I have making something with as innocent a name as cocoa. Shepard told me her mom used to make it for her and Jake, Shepard's little brother, when they were sad or scared or needed comfort. It wasn't easy for Rupert to get me real chocolate in powder form the way I apparently need for this drink, but he managed because Rupert is damn magical. And because credits. 

I finally finish the drink, pour it into an insulated mug that will keep it warm until I'm ready, and then head back upstairs. Shepard is right where I left her, sleeping soundly and cuddled around the pillow I was using overnight. I make sure there's a blanket and pillow ready on the couch, put the cocoa on the table, and then get a hot shower started. Now I'm ready to wake Shepard. 

I strip, then slip the blanket slowly off of her and replace it with my body, pressing into her from behind. This is her favorite position to sleep in, but it wakes her up this morning and she rolls her hips back into me. "Hi, lover," she murmurs, voice heavy with sleep. 

"Hi, my love. I have a shower running for us. Join me?"

Shepard doesn't resist or need more incentive than that. I get out of bed to let her up, watching carefully to see how sore she is. It doesn't look like anything more than I'd expect after having been spanked, and when she stretches it happens without pain or grimacing. That's a good sign for both of us. 

"You're up early," she notes, accepting my hand and letting me lead her to the shower. 

"We need to talk, and I have an idea for some fun today." Shepard's eyes brighten with mischief and excitement, no fear. I thank the Spirits. Last night didn't change the way she wants me or her faith in me. I kiss her hard before guiding her into the bathroom and under the hot stream of water. She melts almost immediately and I take advantage, grabbing the shampoo to wash her hair. 

She moans deeply when my talons meet her scalp. "God, Garrus. That feels amazing. Are you trying to butter me up because you're worried about last night?" 

"Do I need to butter you up?" I check, massaging the soap through her long, red curls. There is a lot more hair than the last time I did this, but I love it. And so does she, judging by the way she's melting. 

"No, you don't," she answers, tilting her head back to look at me. I take the opportunity to lean over her shoulder and kiss her throat. "We're okay, right?"

"We're perfect, baby," I answer. "I'm really proud of you for using your safe word when you needed to. Do you feel better now that you've needed to use it?"

She nods and leans against me while I rinse her hair and run my talons through the locks. "Yes. You promised that it wouldn't make me feel bad, and it didn't. It really meant a lot to me." 

I nuzzle her jaw. "Good. I'll always keep you safe. And that being said..." I spin her around and pull her up against my chest, holding her upper arms and stroking my thumbs over her shoulder. "I've been thinking about what the problem was last night. What exactly was too much. Because you've been double penetrated before and seemed to enjoy it quite a bit." 

"Oh...yeah," she breathes, shivering with a husky voice. "That, uh...that was good." 

"I know," I breathe, leaning down to nip her bottom lip and kiss her slowly. She leans forward as I pull away like she's trying to keep my lips. "I think I pushed you too far by spanking you first. And that's on me for not anticipating that you'd crash quickly, even if we kept going. But now that I know...we can keep exploring that if you're up for it." 

Shepard pops up onto her toes and tugs me down by the collar of my carapace to kiss me hard. I nearly fall forward, the room shifting around me with the intensity of the kiss, and I wrap my arm around her to deepen it. She moans against my mouth and presses against me, so I slip one hand over her ass and down to her thigh, lifting her leg and pulling it around me. My cock is raging between us in a moment and Shepard drops one hand to stroke it between us. 

"Easy," I breathe, pulling away a little. As much as I can manage right now. "I didn't...this wasn't my plan. I wanted to take care of you this morning." 

"Oh, I want you to take care of me, too big guy," she purrs. Spirits this woman is the most tempting thing I've ever known. I would do anything for her. But sometimes that means not giving her what she thinks she wants. 

"Shepard, wait, I - " I cut off in a growl when she licks and nips my throat. "Damn, baby. You had a rough night and never really came down," I manage somehow, managing some measure of control by a miracle alone. "I don't...we should take it easy, make sure you're not gonna crash again." 

"I feel completely recovered," she tells me, hands finding my waist which is just entirely unfair. "So much that I'm crazy turned on about more exploring." 

She pushes me back into the wall; she'd be strong enough to do it anyway but when my brain and body are caught in a lusty haze, she has no problem. And then she's got both hands on my cock and I'm done, incapable of resisting and uninterested in it, too. If this woman wants me, I'm not going to resist her. 

"You win," I tell her, coming back to my senses enough to grab her ass. 

"I think I have my prize right now," she giggles, dropping her gaze to my dick when she strokes slowly to the top and squeezes. "But I'd like it somewhere else." 

I deliver exactly what she wants, lifting Shepard into my arms and keeping her close while I take her hard. She kisses me the entire time, definitely trying to feel that connection between us every way she can. And I'm grateful for it; I need it just as much. We go twice against the wall and manage to part long enough to clean one another off, and then we make it as far as the couch before I have to take her again. She holds me against her chest after, and I chuckle when my gaze falls on the travel mug. 

"What?"

"That mug," I tell her. "I, uh...I really had planned on taking care of you in a very different way this morning. I made you cocoa." 

Shepard jolts and shifts to sit up like she can't get enough of a look at the mug from here. I push back to let her up and Shepard scrambles for it. "Wait, did you really? Like...cocoa, cocoa?" She eagerly takes a sip and then I watch her eyes close in the sort of bliss that I only ever get to see one or more parts of me are deep inside her. "Oh, my God, Garrus. This is amazing." 

"It's probably lukewarm, and there's no way I made it right." 

"No, not at all! It's still warm, it's delicious, and how fucking sweet are you?" She beams at me. "You are...amazing, you know that? I can't believe you remembered me telling you about cocoa and thought to make it for me." 

I shrug, my throat getting hot, and I'm sure it's a pretty bright blue. I've never been good at praise. "I just try to do what might make you happy, baby." 

"Garrus, you absolutely always make me happy." She leans in and gives me another kiss, this one with a lingering taste of chocolate that is enhanced by her flavor. I could definitely be convinced to drink cocoa. But I'm not asking her to share this mug; with the look on her face, Shepard definitely gets all this to herself. But I get her. 

I grab the blanket I put on the couch and wrap it around her shoulders before pulling her onto my lap, giving her a way to stay naked longer without either of us freezing. She leans against me and drinks her cocoa, perfectly content, and I feel the same just relaxing with her. This is a good way to start our day. And I'm going to make it much, much better.

"You spoil me," she says while putting the now-empty mug back on the coffee table. She immediately returns to my lap and wraps her arms around my neck. 

"I want to," I tell her honestly, surprising even myself with that sentiment. I'm far from selfish but I've never gone out of my way for someone I was sleeping with before. Granted, I've never been serious about anyone before. Whatever I can do to make Shepard happy, I will. "You think you're up for playing a little before we get our day started, my love? I wanna share my idea with you."

Shepard doesn't tense; that's a good sign. And then she kisses me, which is an even better sign. I tuck my arms under her and carry Shepard to our bed, laying her down and then crawling between her legs, pulling her thighs over my shoulders. I tease her with my tongue while deftly finding the anal plug on the bedside table. I cleaned it when I woke up the first time a few hours ago, so it's ready to go. And so is my girl. 

"I'm going to put this back inside you," I tell her, lightly fingering her because I can't help it and enjoy the hell out of watching her squirm. "This time it just goes in, and you'll leave it there for a while. An hour, two if it feels okay." I have to take my finger out of her to lube up the anal plug and Shepard is panting hard, watching it with wide eyes. "No sparring, no missions, no exercise or yoga while it's in." 

"That's gonna feel...weird," she breathes. "How do I act like I don't have a thing in my ass in front of the crew?" 

"I don't know, but I can't wait to see you try." I give her a wink and then press the plug to her ass. She tenses for a moment until I lean down to kiss her, letting my tongue slowly massage hers until her body relaxes and I can start to fit the plug inside her. When it's snug, she moans and grips my fringe but doesn't resist. "Good girl," I breathe against her mouth. "You're gonna wear this for me today, your ass stretching for me right there in front of the crew."

"Oh, God," she breathes. 

I lean down to lick her throat. "I'm setting an alarm on my 'Tool and syncing it to yours. Two hours from now, you'll come see me and I'll take this out. We'll see how you're feeling then."

Shepard barks out a breathy laugh. "If it's anything close to how I'm feeling now, I'll be begging for your cock." 

"Mmm I like the sound of that." I kiss her once more and then stand, guiding Shepard slowly and carefully to do the same. "Get dressed. You have a ship to run today." 

She takes a few steps and moans deeply, legs faltering. "Oh, God, that's so weird. Okay. It's good. Damn." She's not talking to me so I just let her go, watching her figure out walking correctly on the way to the closet. She pulls it off. "I need you to tell me that everyone won't know I have something up my ass." 

"Do you actually care? I remember you telling me that you get hot thinking about getting caught." She gives me a dark look over her shoulder but her cheeks are already pink. And she's a fucking vision from behind, from the impressive muscles in her shoulders and line of her spine to the dimples low on her back and that perfect, perfect ass. I manage the willpower to join her at the closet and start dressing as well. She's a little cautious getting dressed, moving awkwardly especially when she has to lift her legs to get into her pants. But I can tell that it doesn't hurt, which would be my biggest concern. She'll be just fine. So long as she's happy.

"You know you have a say in this, right? If you don't like this - " 

Shepard's head pops out of her shirt and she frowns at me. "I like this. I mean...maybe I wouldn't choose to hang out with a plug in my ass. Although...okay, I have to admit, it's not unpleasant. Especially if I...move the right way." She shakes that off, and I can't help a grin. "But seriously. I love what we have, what we do. Its..." She sighs heavily. "Its really nice to walk in here and just not be Commander Shepard. And things like this or...well, what we did in that alley on Omega - " 

"Which we should do again. On the Citadel." 

"I...you're trouble," she laughs. "But those things remind me that I don't have to be Commander Shepard all the time. That I'm not just her, not just a soldier but still Elle and still a woman. And even when I am Commander Shepard...I think you've helped me remember that it doesn't have to be all I am." Her expression sobers, and she leans into my side. "If I'd been better about that on the first Normandy..." 

"Hey, don't." I lean down and press my mouth to the top of her head. "No looking back, right?"

"Right," she agrees, beaming up at me. I kiss her quickly but Shepard doesn't let me go, deepening the kiss and wrapping her arms around my neck. I drop my shirt haphazardly to hold her instead. "I'm really grateful for everything you've given me, big guy. And I'm really grateful you're doing this with me, sir." 

"My honor, Shepard." I kiss her again, forcing myself not to linger too long. We do have to get our day started eventually. But the burden has been completely lifted. She doesn't resent me for what happened last night, and she's as happy with our relationship as I am. All I want is to please this woman. With every fiber of my being, I want to make her happy. 

And sometimes making her happy means avoiding her or even telling white lies. 

"I'm expecting a call from my sister this morning," I tell her. There's a benefit to her not being able to hear my subtones; Turians can't surprise each other in person, especially not if we know each other as well as Shepard knows me. Instead of calling me out on the lie, Shepard just nods. And I have a couple hours with an excuse to lock a door. 

Shepard shifts between her feet in the elevator, and I connect the timer on my Omni-Tool to hers. It should go off right after I wrap up my call. That'll be the perfect time for me to bury myself in this woman again. Shepard shifts again, this time groaning a little when she rocks back on her heels. "Damn it, Garrus. I'm gonna be even more turned on than usual all day." 

"It's getting you hot, huh?" I tug her into my arms again, swinging her across my body and dipping her back. Shepard's head tilts and I lick along the column of her throat. "How about you think about how it'll feel when it's my cock in your ass, hmm? If that little plug feels good, how do you think it'll feel when I'm stroking inside you?"

"Oh, God, Garrus," she breathes, gripping my arms. I swing her back up against me and spin, taking her to the wall and pinning her there. My cock is right on the verge of emerging, and I know my erection will be impossible to hide, but it's damn hard to care. 

I have to force myself to step away from her, pressing my hand to my plates to try and calm the rush of swelling there. "You should not be able to get me this hot," I growl at her. 

Shepard slumps against the wall and narrows her eyes at me. "You deserve to suffer with me." 

"You just remember you'll need my permission to cum when I take that plug out for you," I warn her, giving her a smirk. "Which reminds me. If for some reason it starts to hurt or something happens to keep me away from you when the alarm goes off, take it out yourself. Do not feel like you need to wait for me. I don't want that thing inside you for more than the next couple hours. Understood?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you for keeping me safe." She steps close enough to tug me down by the carapace and kiss my cheek. Just in time for the doors to open. 

I couldn't have asked for this day to start much better than it did, and hopefully when I work on my surprise for the love of my life, it'll only get better. 

***** 

I thought I'd seen and done just about everything. Especially after taking down a rogue Spectre, getting to Ilos and then through the Mass Relay on the Citadel, and taking on a Reaper. Oh, and now I've been inside a Collector ship and survived it. Plus I came back from the dead.

But I never imagined that I would walk into Mess Hall on a ship that I am in command of with a plug in my ass. 

I also never imagined something like this would feel so good. Every step sends a wave of pressure and pleasure from the plug and right into my clit. Walking becomes an exercise in absolute torture. When I reach up for my coffee mug, I have to hold my breath to stop the moan that wants to explode from me. Garrus chuckles softly and gets the mug for me. 

Today is going to be rough. 

And it only promises to get rougher when Kelly Chambers and Miranda both explode into the Mess Hall from different directions, one of them calling me and the other Garrus. If they want both of us, this is bad. 

"I was just going to call you!" Kelly chirps. "We might have a problem." 

"We have a huge problem," Miranda counters. She sounds anxious, and that sets me on edge immediately. Miranda almost never gets worked up. 

"Okay, well what's the problem?" I ask them, Garrus pressing a mug of coffee into my hand. He also presses his free hand to my lower back, letting me know that he's there and will continue to be. 

"Grunt," Miranda and Kelly answer together. "He's upset about something but I don't know what," Kelly continues.

"He's throwing a fit in the Cargo Hold, and I'm worried he's going to do serious damage to the ship," Miranda adds. 

"I'm worried he'll hurt himself," Kelly counters. "I believe he messaged you this morning, Commander, and all he said when I approached the door was to get you." 

I frown and pull up the email from Grunt that I reviewed just a few minutes ago. "He said he wanted to see me today but it didn't sound nearly this serious." 

I show Garrus the email and he scans it quickly before nodding. "Something changed, or got worse. We should get down there." I open my mouth but Garrus cuts me off with a growl. "If a Krogan is throwing a fit, you're not going to deal with it alone." 

Part of me wants to argue, but when I listen to that part, it's full of pride. It's stubborn and annoyed that Garrus - a man, and a big one - told the whole crew that he wants to protect me. That part of me wants to tell Garrus to go to hell. 

But the rest of me knows Garrus and knows the way he loves me. He's not trying to show me up in front of the crew, he's not trying to challenge me. All he wants to do is make me safe. His only goal and priority are me. I can let him protect me without it changing who I am.

"Okay. Let's get down there." 

I start to move past him but Garrus catches my arm and lifts his own mug. "We should probably not take anything breakable with us." 

He has a point, so we both chug our coffee before getting back into the elevator. There's no flirty touching or kissing this time. We're focused on a crew member in need. A very big, very dangerous crew member. 

"You've spent a lot of time with Grunt. Any idea what might have set him off?" 

Garrus shakes his head. "No clue. We sparred yesterday and everyday this week. He's been a little more into it, a little more excitable but...he's Grunt. And a Krogan." 

"Fair enough," I laugh. "Maybe they're exaggerating?" 

"Maybe. But please remember what I said and avoid a fight before you take that plug out at all costs. This isn't me being overprotective, this is me wanting to protect you from serious damage in a terrible place for damage."

I wince at the thought. "I promise to let you do the heavy lifting." 

The elevator doors open and before we even step off, we know that Kelly and Miranda were not exaggerating. We can hear the crashing coming from the Cargo Hold all the way from over here. Yep, a rough day for sure. 

We approach the Cargo Hold, Garrus calmer than I thought he would be all things considered. Inside, we find Grunt pacing the length of the small room and growling. His cot has been thrown against the wall, and just about everything in the room has been tossed around. His tank has taken a beating, too. 

"Wow," I breathe. "Chambers said you were tearing the place up. Something wrong?"

Grunt stops long enough to face us. "Something...is wrong. I feel wrong. Tense. I just want to kill something...with my hands. More than usual. Like it's not my choice. Like I just want to...I don't know..." 

Grunt roars and then slams his head into the glass overlooking Engineering. The glass cracks. The double-paned, fireproof, and bulletproof glass cracks from the force of Grunt's headbutt. That should absolutely be impossible. 

"See? Why do that?" Grunt shouts, throwing up his arms. "What's wrong?"

I step further into the room and lean on the wall to appear as calm as possible. If I get worked up, he's certainly more likely to. Garrus takes the same approach, though I don't miss that he chooses to post up at a spot on the wall that puts him right between me and Grunt should Grunt make a move. The source of safety lets me focus only on Grunt and not on self-preservation.

"Okeer didn't imprint anything to help you figure this out?" I ask. 

"I see pictures of old battles, voices of warlords," Grunt says, starting to pace again. "But this is...a blood haze in my head. I want control. When we're moving, fighting, I focus. But here, my blood screams, my plates itch, and even you are just noise. I'm tank-born. What is this?" 

"We can spar more often if it'll help," Garrus offers. "Jack would sign up too, I'm sure." 

"I feel calmer when we're fighting, but if I draw blood and we both go into a blood lust..." He trails off, but Garrus nods like he understands. 

"Hang on, I'm lost," I interject. "What's a blood lust?"

"It's a lack of control, a red haze that strips you of all your senses and instincts outside of the battle," Garrus explains. He doesn't seem happy about it, rubbing the back of his head. Is he ashamed? "For Turians, it's almost exclusively a response to our bondmates or children being threatened, but it can happen if we're in a fight for our lives." 

"Like you would be if you were fighting a Krogan in his own blood lust," I surmise.

"Exactly. And Krogan are more susceptible to blood lust, but they only go into it during battle." Garrus motions to Grunt. "That means whatever he's dealing with isn't blood lust. Or at least not just blood lust." 

Grunt is still pacing, his hands flexing repeatedly. He's really struggling, and I know what not having control over your body is like. My heart hurts for our Krogan baby, but I'm not exactly an expert here. 

"I don't know if I can help, Grunt," I tell him honestly. "It sounds like we need one of your kind to look into this." 

"Most offworld Krogan are warriors," Grunt reminds us. "Doctors don't leave Tuchanka." 

"Hey." Garrus approaches Grunt, fearless, and stops his pacing with a hand on his shoulder. I can see Grunt tense in response but only for a second and then he eases a little. Maybe even feels comforted. A Turian comforting a Krogan. Now I have seen it all. "We don't know that you're sick. This could be normal. Okay?"

Grunt gives a little...well, grunt. He looks to me without moving Garrus's hand. "I won't ask you to go there. I will control this." 

"Nonsense," I reply, waving that off. "Even if we didn't need everyone at their best, you're our tank baby. We want you healthy." 

"Just a growing boy," Garrus teases, smacking Grunt's cheek playfully. 

The Krogan slaps his hand away but manages a low chuckle. "I am not going to start calling you mom and dad, no matter what you say." 

"We'll just see about that." I wink at him. "But we're going to Tuchanka. We happen to know someone down there who might be able to help." I can tell that Garrus is immediately excited at the idea of seeing Wrex again, and I'm right there with him. It's a bonus if that reunion can help Grunt get his head on right and keep him from breaking my ship apart from the inside out.

"Thank you, Shepard," Grunt replies, nodding. "I don't like this. Fury is my choice, not a sickness." 

"We'll figure it out," Garrus promises, wrapping his arm around Grunt's shoulder. 

I approach and put my hand on Grunt's arm, unafraid of him. Grunt is a loyal member of my team and friend. We're not in danger around him. "You're gonna be fine, Grunt. I take care of my squad." 

It seems to set him at ease, at least enough that we manage to get him upstairs for a meal or three. Food always makes Grunt happy, and Rupert was ready for this. Joker sets us on the way to Tuchanka and promises to push it so that we can get there quickly. In a day and a half, we'll be on Tuchanka. 

"Hey, Commander?" Kelly calls to me from the table. "Mordin was looking for you." 

My stomach flops a little, and I school my features before turning to Garrus. "I've gotta get my sister's call," he reminds me before I have to come up with an excuse as to why he can't come with me to Mordin's lab. 

"Oh, right. Tell her I said hi." I give him a kiss on the cheek, and Garrus nips my throat quickly before heading to the Main Battery while I make my way to Mordin's tech lab. 

I hate lying to Garrus, even if it's for Garrus's well being or to surprise him. Especially after the disaster that was Horizon, the last thing I was is more untruths coming between us ever again. But I swallow that guilt right down. I let Garrus onto one of the special projects that I set Mordin on, but the other is not something Garrus will benefit from knowing until we have answers. 

I don't want to get my hopes up that Mordin has answers. He warned me against it, and I know that he's right. But I can't help it. I want Garrus to have everything he deserves. 

Forcing myself to assume that this isn't secret-project related, I keep my head up and walk into the Tech Lab. "Hey, Mordin. What's up?"

"Shepard! Important news." He whirls to face me right away. Mordin is never rude and doesn't ignore me, but he almost always continues to work while we talk. Today, his focus is solely on me. "Know you're busy. Have to deal with Collectors. Planning attack. Too important to wait. Just received data, still processing, analyzing likely scenarios. Not sure how to begin. Too much intel." 

"Mordin, wait, please," I beg him, putting my hands up. "Slow down. Start with what you need." 

He takes a deep breath. "You remember our talk? My work on genophage modification?"

I nod and try not to tense too much. Mention of the genophage makes me intensely uncomfortable, and I don't love knowing I'm becoming friends with someone who willingly participated in something so awful. Mostly, Mordin and I have avoided talking about it at all. I hope we don't need to do much of it today. 

Unfortunately, Mordin isn't so great with picking up cues, and so he makes me sit through a recap anyway. "Personally led a team. Created new version of genophage. Released it on Tuchanka, other colonies. Restabilized Krogan population. Very difficult. Complex work to stabilize population. Mistake could have wiped out species. Had to be done."

I bite my tongue. Mordin is vital to our mission, and it's not like I can undo the genophage now no matter what I say. He knows how I feel about what he did, and my Krogan friends know that I'm on their side. 

"Blood Pack mercenaries captured former team member," Mordin tells me, now talking even faster than usual. "Maelon. Last seen on Tuchanka. Might torture him. Make an example. Recovering Maelon would be a personal favor to me." 

I'm well aware that I owe Mordin at this point, the guy is literally looking for a way to give me children with Garrus, but that's not how I operate. And Mordin needs to know that. 

"You think they found out your team updated the genophage?" I check. 

"Unclear. No way to determine until we get to Tuchanka." 

"We're on our way there already," I assure him, "but I want to make it clear that this isn't tit for tat. You called this a personal favor. Mordin, you don't need to help me for me to help you. We'll see if we can find your teammate because it matters."

He smiles. "Appreciate it, Shepard. My student. Want to see him safe. Maelon last seen outside Urdnot territory," he explains. "Scouts might have seen Blood Pack." 

"Well this is kismet then! Urdnot is right where we're headed. I have a friend there I think can help us." 

Mordin nods and I say goodbye, starting to leave before he calls my name. "Running simulations now. May have news for you and Garrus about offspring soon!" 

My heart skips, and somehow that does something to the plug that takes my breath away. I had no idea how many muscles were tied to that part of my body. But my focus is not on that right now. Mordin might have news about our future with a baby. We need to get to Tuchanka and fast. 

I thank Mordin again, and then the alarm Garrus set on my Omni-Tool goes off. It's time for him to take out this anal plug, and the timing is perfect because I want nothing more than to get naked with him right now. 

Almost immediately, a message pops up on my Omni-Tool. 

**Our quarters. Now.**

I smirk and type out a response, already heading to the elevator and sending a silent prayer up that no one gets in my way. 

*On my way, sir.*

I hear Gabby and Kelly as I approach the elevator bay and duck around it on the other side. I collide with a hard body as I round the corner not watching where I'm going and quickly maneuver them up against the wall by shoulders, planting my hand over their mouth. Only then do I realize that it's Crewman Matthews, eyes like saucers and his hands up defensively. 

I press a finger to my lips and when he nods, I release his mouth and wait. Gabby and Kelly remain oblivious and I hear them disappear into the bathroom. Exhaling, I step back from Matthews and offer him an apologetic grin. 

"Sorry about that, Matthews. I didn't want to be stopped for conversation," I offer in explanation, already moving backward away from him and toward the elevator. 

He laughs. "No problem, ma'am. I'm just glad that wasn't a very sudden come on." 

I nearly trip, and he laughs again, then shoots finger guns at me before turning away, whistling as he walks off. I should have known he'd take the opportunity to tease me. For all their faults, Cerberus did an excellent job in staffing this ship with crew. 

I rush into the elevator and push the control for our quarters several times rapidly, well aware that it won't make the thing move faster. 

"Shepard, pressing the button more than one does not impact the elevator's speed," EDI announces. 

"Thanks, EDI," I laugh, rolling my eyes at myself. I'm sure I look like an impatient child anxious for a toy. But in this case, my toy is a sexy alien with an incredible cock who is waiting for me. And naked, if I'm lucky. 

I find out that I'm lucky the moment the doors open, Garrus across the room and lounging on our bed, perfectly naked. And so, so sexy. 

"Hey there," I greet him, feeling heat spread across my face immediately. We both know what he's about to do to me. "I have been wildly turned on all day. I really hope you plan to do something about this.

"Oh, I have plans for you," he purrs. "Come here." 

He opens his arms, and I start to practically skip across the room, before the jolting in my ass stops me cold. Garrus laughs at my discomfort, and I shift, glad to let this thing go as much as I've enjoyed his little experiment. I do continue to him in a hurry, and Garrus sits up to meet me at the side of the bed, both of us going for a kiss at the same time. 

Garrus moans against my mouth when I slide my hands down his chest and to his waist, and I moan right back at him when his hands slide up my shirt. "Shepard?" he breathes, pulling away to nip my jaw. 

"Yes?"

"Why do you smell like Matthews?"

A laugh bursts from me, and I shove Garrus back onto the mattress, carefully straddling his waist. "Because I was not coming onto him." 

Garrus frowns a little before I kiss him, but he doesn't bother to press; I'm sure he doesn't actually care much. And I become ever more sure of that when his hands grip my thighs. He sits up, again being careful with me considering what spreading my legs feels like, and keeps me on his lap. 

"You're turning into such a bad girl, Commander," he breathes, running his mouth against mine and speaking in that deep, gruff whisper. "You worked with a pretty little plug in your ass, getting more and more turned on all day. And now it's the middle of the day, and you're up here looking to get fucked, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir," I answer, definitely not above being honest about that. 

Garrus smooths his palm over my waist and spine. "You like being bad for me, Elle?"

"Yes, sir." And that's honest, too. I love what he's made me, that I can be needy for his touch without judgment and without it changing his respect for my command. I love the way he praises me for my urges; the thought of him growling 'good girl' is enough to get me hot. And I love the way he degrades me at the same time. He's turned me into his little slut, and I love it. 

"Good girl." A hot shiver runs down my spine, and I pull his face up to kiss me. He nips my bottom lip as we part and then grins at me, so I know I'm in for fun. Or trouble. Both, knowing him. "You've been so good recently, and especially today. I think you deserve a reward." 

He manages to make that sound like a threat as much as a present, and I manage to get even wetter for him. 

His hands move up over my ribs and I raise my arms, letting him take my shirt and toss it aside. My bra follows quickly, Garrus growling at my chest and then looking me right in the eye when he licks an already hard nipple. I'm realizing now that the more turned on I get, the more I notice the plug...and I'm fairly certain Garrus is aware. 

He continues to play with my breasts, licking and nipping and teasing, while unbuttoning my pants and shoving them down below my ass. I can't fight a whimper at even having his hands near my clit when I think just a little pressure could send me over the edge. Garrus skims his teeth over my collarbone and guides my pants down further, letting me hold his shoulders to step out of them. 

"Before your reward, I want to make you cum," he tells me. 

A husky laugh leaves me. "That's not the reward?" 

"Mmm not this time." A sharp bite to my nipple makes me jump. "You do have to make a choice, though. I can take the plug out before or after I let you cum on my tongue. Your call." 

A wave of pleasure and anticipation cascades down my spine, and I slump heavily against him, Garrus chuckling as his arms come around me. He dips his hand into my panties and over my ass, squeezing and then pushes them off too. He grazes his fingers along the inside of my thigh on the way back up and looks at me, eyes bright with lust. 

"Tell me what you want, baby." 

I stop thinking, push out the thoughts and just focus on that - want. "Leave it in." 

Garrus grins and then lifts me off my feet while he stands, only to bring me back to the bed underneath him. He kisses me so deeply it makes my head spin, and I cling to him, hoping he can feel just as much passion in my return kiss. I can feel his erection at my hip and I grip it, Garrus growling into my mouth. 

"Not yet," he breathes. When I stroke him, he groans and drops his head to my shoulder. "Such a brat."

"Your brat, sir," I reply, definitely pushing my luck. But maybe I want a little punishment. 

Garrus stands and plants me on my feet. "Don't move," he orders, growling when he has to extract his shaft from my hand. I do wait though, too eager to see what he's got in the drawer he goes to for the risk.   
I hear a clink of metal before Garrus stands and turns back to me...a pair of handcuffs dangling from his finger. Oh, shit.

"If you can't keep your hands to yourself, I'll remove the problem for you." 

Oh. Shit. 

Garrus comes back to me, and I can't take my eyes off the handcuffs. The last time he tied my hands, he used a ribbon that I could have broken. I won't be able to do that with handcuffs. 

He slips a talon under my chin and pulls my face up to his, kissing me softly. And then cold metal slaps down around my wrist, squeezing but not tight enough to hurt. Too tight to ignore, though. And then before I can react, he has my other hand cuffed too, my arms in front of me. 

I give him a look and he laughs. "Did you forget that I was a cop? Quickly handcuffing was part of the job."

"Oh, yes, and I'm sure you only ever did this for your job," I tease him. He laughs again and kisses me, though I can tell he's wondering if I've said that because I'm thinking about him with other people. What he doesn't know is that my suspicion he's bonded to me makes me a lot less worried about other people. Although maybe he should know. Maybe I should show him. 

"Come with me." Garrus grasps the chain between the cuffs and pulls me back to the side of the bed. He tosses the pillows off of my side and motions for me to climb on. "Arms up." I obey, and Garrus pulls them over my head, not too far, and hooks the cuffs over the post at the edge of the head board. Garrus then circles to his end of the bed, grasps my ankles, and pulls. 

It stretches my arms out over the top of my head, but the headboard is low enough that the angle isn't uncomfortable. He comes back to prop a couple pillows under me, letting me rest. Not that I can relax. Not with a predator looking at my completely naked body and my hands bound. I'm completely helpless, and Garrus looks like he wants to devour me. 

Oh shit. 

And devour me he does. Garrus starts at my feet, doing things to me that should be illegal and impossible. He finds that spot below my ankle with his tongue again, he runs his tongue behind my knee and makes me weak. He kisses what feels like every inch of my thighs, my hips, my stomach and shoulders. He kisses and tugs on my nipples until I'm nearly on the verge. And by the time he makes his way between my legs, I am dripping wet and so turned on I can barely breathe. 

I shamelessly beg for his tongue and Garrus delivers, still infuriatingly patient but exactly where I need him. My release comes like an explosion, my skin heated and every inch of me oversensitive. I'm certain I can't handle another touch, and then Garrus pulls the anal plug out slowly and the look on his face sets my heart to racing. 

"Spirits, baby," he murmurs, eyes trained between my legs. I should be a little more freaked out or modest about that, but Garrus makes me feel sexy as hell. Especially when his dick is swollen, leaking, almost angry looking with need. I can see it throbbing, and I want nothing more than to get it in my mouth. I think Garrus has other plans though since the look on his face is almost disappointed. Almost.

He crawls over my body, every bit the predator stalking, and drags his tongue up my sternum to where he nips my throat. He continues up to kiss me deeply, his urgent need pouring through the kiss. I try to hold him, to pull him closer and get him inside me - anywhere inside me, but all it does is rattle the headboard. Garrus hears the sound and smiles against my lips. Now I know he's not done. 

"I have a question for you," he murmurs, nuzzling under my jaw and running his hand up my side slowly. "Do you remember the time you gave me a blow job and fucked me with your finger?"

Jesus, remember it? I still fantasize about that. Garrus came hard and then came again, shuddering and exploding violently. He obviously loved it, and it made me understand how he feels while making me feel good. 

"Hell yes," I tell him firmly. "I don't think I've ever seen you fall apart like that." 

"I think I fall apart for you like that everyday," he murmurs, kissing me again. "I thought you might like to do that again. Especially since I'm putting your ass through such a workout." I laugh with him but the sound is tense and husky because oh shit I am turned on. "I had something different in mind this time, though." 

Garrus reaches for the bedside table and produces the vibrator, the last thing he fucked my ass with. And now he's going to let me return the favor? 

I tilt my head up as far as I can and kiss him hard. Garrus is a little dazed when I pull away. "Damn. Is that a yes?"

"Yes, sir." 

He smirks. "Good girl." Garrus reaches over my head and unlocks the one of the cuffs. The moment it releases me, I wrap my arms around Garrus and kiss him again, holding him tight. He growls and wraps his arms around me too, eagerly deepening the kiss. His cock throbs, squished between us, and when I wiggle a little under him, Garrus moans. At least I'm not the only tortured one today. 

Garrus pushes himself up off of me and then leans back on his hands, his cock standing proud. "You've earned a little bit of control. Where do you want me?"

I consider my options and then arrange some pillows against the headboard, patting the mattress. Garrus smiles at me but obliges, sitting where I put him and arranging himself comfortably. He seems so damn calm even while his erection looks anything but. I'll never understand how he manages that level of control but I'll be damned if it's not one of the things I find sexiest about him. And he's all mine. 

Garrus lays down further than I would have positioned him, and since he definitely knows more than I do, I don't argue the point. Just the thought reminds me of how little I actually know about what's supposed to happen now. This is a first for me and if it's one that could hurt Garrus...

"Shepard, stop thinking, get over here, and do something with this before I have to," he tells me, stroking his swollen dick. 

I laugh eagerly and jump to the task, crawling between Garrus's legs. 

"You need lube." 

"Crap." I crawl back to the side of the bed while he laughs and grab the bottle before returning where I want to be. Garrus is still stroking himself, and I swat his hand away. "You put me in charge of this, sir. Let me have it." 

"You sure you don't just want to sit there and analyze it?" This time I swat his chest but Garrus catches my hand and pulls me onto his chest. He reaches up to tuck a hair behind my ear. "I trust you," he breathes. "You know my body. Just listen to it." 

I nod and kiss him once more before he releases me...but I've decided to take my time. Garrus groans when my teeth meet his throat, and as I continue kissing down his body, my fingers playing in the sensitive spaces between his plates, a question comes to mind. 

"Will I mark you too?" Garrus tenses for a second, almost startling, but it's enough to shake me. "I mean...if we...I just - " 

"Yes," he answers, voice soft now. Breathless. "You'll mark me at the same time I mark you." 

My heart leaps into my throat. I know that marking is something we'll do when we're married, so hearing Garrus talk about it with such finality makes me feel as breathless as he just sounded. I bite a soft spot on his hip, Garrus growling and the sound bringing us both back into the present. I'm laying between his legs, propped up on one elbow for now, and Garrus looks exceptional from this angle. I can't help myself from pressing a soft kiss to the tip of his dick. 

Garrus gives me a fond look. "I like when you're sweet to my cock," he purrs. He nods at the vibrator and I pick it up, suddenly more aware of its length. Even more than when it was going inside me. Garrus doesn't seem the least bit concerned. Granted, he's bigger than the thing so I imagine he's had bigger than it too. Damn, that's hot. 

I crack open the top of the lube and then hesitate a little, unsure of how much. Ever able read me, Garrus steps in. "You can't use too much, really. Too little is an issue, and I'll let you know, but just slick the thing up. Don't sweat this part." 

"I think I sort of thought you might already be lubed. I mean, before the first time." 

"Because my dick is, you mean?" I nod. "Yeah, I get that. But Turian women don't get wet the way you do, so the men do the lubricating." 

I show him the slick vibrator and quip, "And now so I do." 

Garrus barks out a laugh and rolls his eyes at me but he looks pretty excited. "It's been awhile for me, so go slow. And uh...help me relax?" He smirks, and this time I laugh. Being able to laugh during sex is definitely one of my most favorite things about sex with Garrus. And since his cock is also a pretty obvious favorite thing, it's not a hard ask. 

"I think I can handle that, big guy." 

I take Garrus's erection in hand, the cobalt blue vibrant against my skin, and lean in to give the base a soft lick. His flavor still reminds me of rock candy and I still love doing this for him. I take my time, focusing on relaxation, and swirl my tongue around every ridge. I trace the swirling dark blue, lick along the head, and stroke him steadily. Garrus completely melts, moaning softly and watching me closely. When I decide that he's as relaxed as possible, I start with a finger. And then instead of melting, his heat is increasing. 

A few moments later when I use the vibrator instead, the first couple inches slip in easily and Garrus's spine arches. Now he's on fire. 

I suck his cock, pulling him into my mouth and throat while fucking him steadily with the vibrator. Garrus is thrashing before long, growling out my name and alternating between pulling my hair and threatening to shred the sheets. It might be the hottest I have ever seen him, and that's really saying something. 

"Make me cum, baby," he moans, lifting his hips to get deeper into my mouth. 

I oblige, taking him into my throat and making him take the entire vibrator. He roars out my name and then he's spilling, his tangy sweet cum pumping into my mouth. I happily swallow all of it, and Garrus continues praising me, his hand gentle in my hair now as he starts to come down. I gentle too, trailing soft kisses up and down his length. Still hard. 

"Shit, baby. That was perfect." He touches my jaw softly, his eyes closed and a look of utter bliss on his face. It's a powerful thing, knowing that I put that look on him. "Pull that out slowly and then get up here to me." 

Another command I'm happy to obey, and as soon as the vibrator is back on the table, I cuddle up into Garrus's side. He holds me close and then rolls toward me so he can bring our foreheads together. He does this now like it's completely natural when I know how intimate, how serious this is. It takes my breath away every time. "I love you," I whisper. 

Garrus shudders and leans in to kiss me softly. I don't expect him to say it back, and it doesn't exactly hurt when he doesn't. I know how Garrus feels about me. But there's a part of me that wonders if I'll ever get to hear it.

"I'm starving," Garrus admits, breaking my tension and making me laugh. My stomach growls in agreement, and that makes Garrus laugh too. "Let's get dinner and then get back up here so I can get inside you." One final kiss and then Garrus releases me, but when I turn to go, he pulls me back. "Did you like that?" he asks, eyes serious. "You know that we don't ever have to - " 

"Shut up...sir. I loved it. I loved seeing you like that." I press in closer, wrapping my arm around his neck, and whisper, "I'd love to see you with something much bigger in you. Or someone." 

Garrus groans and grabs my ass, nodding as he kisses me hard again. It's a promise that we'll make that happen, and even that can get me hot again. Especially while he's kissing me. But we're both hungry and need to be well rested and well fueled before Tuchanka tomorrow, so we force ourselves apart. 

I never imagined myself as being involved in or okay with a threesome. I have a particularly nasty little green monster inside me. Or at least I thought I did. Now I think that maybe it was those relationships, those people, that made me insecure and jealous and not a personality trait. 

With Garrus, I think about the way other men and women look at him - like they want him - and I feel proud that he's mine. I don't want to hide him away, and I'm not scared of him noticing; I don't think he'll leave me for them. And when I think about sharing Garrus with someone else...

A rush of arousal hits me, and I ride it into Garrus's arms, jumping up to wrap my legs around his waist as we step into the elevator. Garrus barely has to adjust for my weight and he doesn't complain. I kiss him, nip his mandible, and then bring my mouth to his ear when I whisper, "I wanna teach someone else to suck your dick." 

That gets him stumbling, legs wobbly so he leans against the wall. "Shit, Shepard, warn a guy before you nail him like that." 

"Okay, this is your warning. I also want to suck your dick while you get fucked." 

He growls and kisses me. "I like this mood. Wanna know what I want?" The muscles low in my gut clench, and I nod. "I want to fuck you while you suck another man's dick, watch you get used from both ends. Maybe even fuck you while you use that incredible mouth of yours on another woman, hmm? How does that sound?"

"Perfect," I answer against his mouth. Garrus smiles and kisses me again, long and slow. We don't part until we feel the elevator slow, and then I have to jump down out of his arms. "Maybe we'll need an excuse to get to the Citadel soon. Or...Omega. You, uh, have some friends there right?" I dare a glance up, and Garrus's eyes flash. 

"Yeah, I do. An excuse to get to Omega sounds like a damn good plan to me." 

But first...Tuchanka.


	30. What's Best

The next time Shepard scolds me for being overprotective, I'm going to remind her about this day and the way she was acting as we approached Tuchanka. She's taking me on the ground crew because of course she is, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but Shepard knows enough about our species to know that Turian and Krogan have a history. And that's putting it mildly. 

We're going to Clan Urdnot. We're going with a warship, not just me showing up, and we're going for a reason. Do I expect the Krogan to welcome me with open arms? Of course not. But I'm not expecting major trouble. 

Shepard, however, is completely on edge. I swear she'd have me take every weapon and piece of ammo on the ship if she didn't think it would keep me from running for my life. As it is, I let her convince me to bring a shotgun - first time in years - and an extra pistol. She's also practically standing on top of me, even on the ship, but I don't have so many complaints about that. 

Grunt can't keep himself still, by contrast. I don't think his edge is helping Shepard's anxiety at all. 

A notice on the screen down here in the Cargo Bay tells me that we're passing Kruban, a planet near Tuchanka. "Hey, Grunt, did Okeer tell you anything about Kruban?"

The Krogan considers it for a second and then shakes his head. The answer surprises me.

"Really? The place is basically mythological for Krogan." Shepard gives me a surprised look, but Grunt looks less pleased. 

"Okeer had an agenda, that much is clear to me." He's quiet for a moment long enough that I think he's not going to ask, not going to get information on a Krogan legend from a Turian. I’d understand that, but I'm much happier when he turns toward me, finally not pacing, and asks, "What makes it important?" 

"Kruban is a hothouse; the atmosphere is all sulfur and carbon dioxide so it's deadly as hell," I begin. "But Krogan see that as a challenge. At some point, there was an annual tradition where Krogans would go down there naked to prove how Krogan they were." Grunt laughs, and Shepard grimaces. "Legend has it that only one Krogan ever made it back alive, and they were revered, given access to any fertile female they wanted." 

"That is...beyond disturbing," Shepard mutters. I'm not sure if she means that Krogan being given 'access' to women or the tradition; I don't disagree either way. 

"That is Krogan," Grunt counters. "I must partake in this." 

Shepard immediately punches my armored shoulder with her armored gauntlet, glaring at me. "Do not put ideas in his head!" 

"I didn't! It was just a story, I don't even know if Krogan still do it!" I rub my shoulder even though I didn't feel the punch. 

She whirls on Grunt next. "Grunt, I freed you from the tank. You owe me. So promise me you'll never do that asinine challenge. I would hate for you to die a violent death doing something so stupid." 

"I..." Grunt grumbles to himself but caves almost immediately. "Fine. Promise." 

"God. Go down there naked, of all the stupid things," Shepard mumbles, rubbing her forehead. I do my best not to laugh at her. 

"Hey, don't let her trash you too hard," Joker says over the comms because of course he was listening. "Humans have an affinity for running around naked, too. Of course, there's usually alcohol involved and no sulfur or...fertility challenges."

Shepard laughs, relaxing a little. I shrug and note, "Turians are naked pretty often, including on warships. But there's usually sex involved. And fighting." 

Grunt even joins in the laughter at that, and Shepard leans into my side which I read as a sign of her gratitude. She needed a laugh before we got down there, I know. She even seems a little more relaxed as we get onto the shuttle over Tuchanka. Of course, the moment we land, it's all back. Seeing Wrex will help. I hope. 

I've obviously never been to Tuchanka, but I've heard enough to be prepared. When the shuttle goes underground after showing us a ravaged landscape, I can tell that Shepard was far less prepared. She looks damn disturbed when we touch down at a small station, everything around us dark and dirty. 

"I knew this place saw nuclear war but it's a little more intense than I was expecting," she admits, looking through the door. "It's...sad. Especially considering the genophage. Not even children to brighten the place up." 

I put my hand on her shoulder. It's bad enough that she's sad about Tuchanka, but if she's anything like me, it's impossible to think about children and not think about Mordin's project. And more specifically, the reality that it's a long shot. 

"And you, Vakarian? Do you celebrate the genophage?"

I shoot Grunt a look; we haven't talked about this specifically but he should know me better. "No, I don't celebrate it. I had a commander tell me once that the actions of others don't matter; what defines us is how we respond, our own actions. I've lived my life since then by that, and that means taking a hard look at what my people did to the Krogan. I don't like what I see or what it means." 

Grunt and Shepard both stare at me for a long moment, and then Grunt nods. Shepard accepts that as her signal to move on, and she pounds my chest twice before opening the door to the shuttle. She catches my eye before jumping out, and I can see those emeralds swimming in water; she deserves to know the impact she's had on me. 

Just beyond our shuttle, we spot a Krogan standing with an Asari. I didn't realize that Krogans with Asari mates would try to live here. Or maybe they're just visiting?

"What did I tell you, honey?" the Krogan is saying. "Isn't it beautiful? Far away from all that high tech noise!" 

"Is he seeing the same place we are?" Shepard mutters. 

The Asari seems less convinced. "I guess. It seems a bit...dirty, though." 

"It builds character!" the Krogan cheers. The Asari turns a little to look around and her swollen, pregnant belly becomes visible. I sure hope they're just here to visit; I don't know how an Asari child would fare down here, especially when that has to feel like a smack to the Krogan women unable to have children. 

"Jesus," Shepard breathes. She motions for us to follow and leads us away, heading down the platform and toward the only door which I assume goes into the clan territory. 

We don't get far before several Krogan stop us, one stepping forward and shouting, "Stop right there, alien! You're Shepard...of the Normandy." 

The other two Krogan with him pull their weapons but don't aim them. Shepard signals for me to stay disarmed, and I don't love it. Especially because Grunt sees the signal too, and Shepard doesn't have her own weapon out. We're on a hostile planet facing three potentially hostile people, and we're unarmed. I don't like this. 

The overcaptain scans all three of us slowly and seems to make a decision. "The clan leader wants to speak with you. Keep your rutting pet on a short leash. Get him the Rite soon, or put him down." 

And now I need to protect Shepard and Grunt. 

"The Rite?" Shepard echoes. "You know what's wrong with him? What he needs?" 

"There's nothing wrong with him," the overcaptain scoffs. "Just go speak with the clan leader." 

He walks away and brings his guards with him, effectively dismissing us, but he also gives us permission to go in without a fight. Shepard leads us through the doors which open into a flight of stairs down. Everything here is crumbling, and I have a quick vision of the walls falling in on us. Something sharp and hot creeps up my throat and I force myself to swallow it down; I can't leave Shepard here alone, and I can't abandon Grunt in a time of need. 

At the bottom of stairs, we reach a hall that extends either to our left or our right. To the right, the hall ends shortly, and there are two Krogan standing there in conversation. 

"Someday, we'll get off this rock and show those Turians who's boss," one is saying. They aren't looking at us, but it's hard to believe this conversation didn't come up after hearing about the shuttle that landed and my presence. 

"Damn right," the other one growls. "Tear their scales off and let the pyjaks feast on them while they're still alive." 

Both of them laugh, and now that sharp taste in my throat is bitter with anger. I'd like to turn around and see if the bastards can even get near my scales, but Shepard gives me a look. It's a warning and a plea, one coming from her commander side and the other from the side that doesn't want me to get into a fight on Tuchanka. In either case, she's right, and I keep my mouth shut so we can walk down the hall in the other direction. 

This way leads to a door, and EDI pops in over our comms as we approach. "Urdnot clan reports use weak encryption. I see reference to a captured Salarian in the logs of the chief scout." 

"Good. After we help Grunt, we can bring Mordin back down and ask about that Salarian." Shepard seems keen to help the professor, and I don't blame her after everything he's done for us. But if she's anxious about bringing me - a Turian - down here, what's going to happen when she brings a Salarian down? The only beings Krogan justifiably hate more than Turians are Salarians.

"Also, I have been unable to access local medical records," EDI continues. "I suggest asking the local clan leader for assistance with Grunt's problem." 

"Sounds good, EDI. Thanks."

We pass through the doors and find even more destruction on the other side of the door. The ramp leading up and into a central area is just a big pile of rubble, but we have no choice other than to climb it. And then we emerge into Clan Urdnot territory.   
It's...not what I expected. 

"Wow," Shepard breathes. 

"Yeah. This looks almost like the Presidium immediately after Sovereign, Saren, and the geth took half the place down. Except...worse." 

There's a lot of noise, even more rubble, and Krogan everywhere. Plus a bunch of Varren. It looks more like a ruin than a place to live, and guilt for whatever part the genophage had in this pierces me again. 

"This is the great Krogan homeworld?" Grunt growls, marching forward to look out over the clan. "This is the land of Kredak, Shiagur, and Veeoll? This chunk of rock is barely worth standing on!" He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Never thought I'd miss the tank." 

I can see the disappointment in him, and I feel bad for the guy. I can imagine the way Okeer talked this place up to him only for Grunt to get here and find it a mess. Shepard pats his shoulder and says something softly that makes Grunt stand up a little straighter. It shouldn't surprise me that she's able to talk him down. Or up in this case. 

Ahead of us, we can see a platform built from a pile of rubble. There's a line of Krogan waiting for something, so it seems like that's the place to be. "Maybe we can also ask the clan leader where to find Wrex," I remind Shepard. She brightens at the idea instantly and leads us over. 

We head up the platform, Shepard aiming for the guards, probably to ask what exactly the Krogan are waiting for and whether we should bother. The guards are immediately on the offensive, though. "Halt!" one of them snaps. "You must wait until the clan leader summons you. He is...in talks." 

Shepard starts to argue, and I look over his head toward what looks like a throne if thrones were made out of stone rubble. The clan leader is definitely sitting on that throne, but he's also definitely not what I expected. Urdnot Wrex himself. And damn, he looks bored out of his mind. 

A Krogan is in front of him, ranting. "You know what tradition demands," he's saying. "Clan Urdnot must respond. Your reforms will not go unopposed. You risk appearing weak at a critical time." 

Shepard is still arguing with the guard, and it sounds futile. Taking matters into my own hands, I use my height to my advantage, a head taller than either of the guards, and raise a hand to wave. Wrex notices the movement immediately and does a double take, shooting up straight when his eyes move from me to Shepard. 

"Ugly!" he cheers, standing up and raising his arms like it's a victory. "Shepard!" 

"Good enough?" Shepard snarks at the guards before shouldering her way in between them. I follow her, flashing a grin at the pissed off Krogan, and approach our old friend with Grunt in tow. 

She reaches Wrex a couple steps ahead of me and halfway across his dais, and Wrex immediately snatches her up in a hug. She's never looked smaller than when lifted clear off the ground in a huge embrace from a Krogan. "Shepard! My friend!" 

He's not keeping his voice down, because he's Wrex, and I can see that it delights Shepard even if her cheeks are flushed. Granted, I don't know if that's because of the attention or from Wrex squeezing the air out of her lungs. 

He looks to me next and I hesitate to move; what if he doesn't want to greet me as publicly? I mean, I am a Turian, and if he's a clan leader - 

"Vakarian!" Wrex shoots a hand out toward me, and I accept immediately, grateful and relieved. The moment Wrex's hand closes around my forearm, he jerks me into his chest and wraps one massive arm around my back. His laugh booms and vibrates through me. "Good to see you." 

"Yeah, you too, Battle Turtle. But if you pick me up, I'll rip your quad off." 

He laughs even harder at that but releases me, taking a step back. I clap his shoulder. As much as I knew Shepard needed good reunions with our old crew, I think I've needed them too. Wrex was one of the ones who looked for me the longest. He even sent a squad to Omega once, pretty soon after I got there. I worried they might all resent me for running, for hiding from them. It's a relief to know I worried for nothing and my friends only missed me. 

"You look good for dead, Shepard," Wrex notes, grinning at her. "Should have known the void couldn't hold you." 

I chuckle. "That's an epitaph if ever I heard it." 

Shepard laughs and shrugs her shoulders. "What can I say? I couldn't let you guys have all the fun with the Reapers coming." Wrex laughs with her, but it's a little more somber; he knew the Council wasn't doing enough to prepare us. "Looks like helping me destroy Saren and the Geth has worked out for you. Now I'm really glad we didn't kill each other on Virmire." 

"Ha!" Wrex barks out. "You made the rise of Urdnot possible. Virmire was a turning point for the Krogan...though not everyone was happy about it." 

He casts a glance at the Krogan who was whining before we walked over. The guy is definitely listening, practically standing right over Wrex's shoulder. Wrex doesn't seem bothered by it. 

"Destroying Saren's genophage cure freed us from his manipulation," Wrex continues. "I used that to spur the clans to unify under Urdnot." 

Damn. I know enough about Krogan traditions and history to know that's impressive.

The other Krogan scoffs, clearly not as impressed. "And you abandoned many traditions to get your way. Dangerous." 

Wrex turns around and headbutts the other Krogan, throwing his rock-like and massive head directly into the other one's face. I hear something crack, and Shepard winces like she can feel the pain. Grunt bounces on his toes, spurred on by even a little blood.   
"Speak when spoken to, Uvenk," Wrex growls at him. "I'll drag your clan to glory whether you like it or not." 

Uvenk takes a few steps back, planting himself near the throne like he belongs there. He's been put in his place, so Wrex lets it go for now and turns back to his throne and sits down. Shepard leads us closer, but I don't like it with Uvenk right there and my   
back to the rest of the clan. I stand at Shepard's shoulder and motion Grunt to my side; he doesn't argue or ask questions. 

"Now, Shepard. What brings you all the way here? How's the Normandy?"

"Destroyed in that Collector attack that spaced me," she answers, almost casually. Far too casually for me. Just the mention of that attack and what came after makes my stomach turn. 

Wrex makes a low noise, then nods. "Well, you look good. Ah, the benefits of a redundant nervous system!" 

"Yeah...humans don't have that," Shepard laughs. 

"Oh. It must have been painful then." That's almost enough to make me laugh, except we're still talking about Shepard dying, and I can barely breathe. I need a subject change. Now. Wrex rescues me when he spreads his arms and says, "But you're standing here, and you've got a strong new ship." He then points at me and adds, "And a strong new mate who even got himself some scars." 

Oh, yeah, that's much better. Especially since it makes Shepard blush gloriously. 

"How the hell did you know that?" she demands of him. 

Now I laugh. "Shepard, did you forget that Wrex can smell me on you...and - " Shepard swats my chest, aware of what I'm going to add and blushing even harder. 

"I can also smell Turian pheromones." Wrex pins me with a hard look. 

My heart skips, and I force myself not to look at Shepard to see if she noticed. It'll give me away, if Wrex hasn't already. Damn him. Leave it to a species that can't procreate and doesn't commit at all to know that I've bonded with Shepard. I just give him a nod and pray he lets it go before I get in trouble. 

"Takes me back to the old days," Wrex says, saving me again. "Us against the unknown, killing it with big guns. Good times." 

Shepard motions around us and notes, "Sounds like you've got big changes ahead for the Krogan." She's proud of him, too, and Wrex notices, his chest puffing up a little. 

"We are making a neutral ground where all clans are welcome," he tells us. "Fertile females can be shared among clans. We will strengthen the race as a whole." 

"You threaten everything that makes us strong," Uvenk retorts. "It will not last." 

Wrex just huffs. "Maybe. Until then, you're lucky to be a part of it." 

"You share the fertile females?" Shepard asks. I hope Wrex remembers enough about Shepard to tread carefully when she uses this tone of voice. Of course, if he did remember enough of Shepard, he probably wouldn't have brought it up at all. "What do the women think about this plan?"

"It was our female clan leader's idea," Wrex explains. "The neutral area is safe, and it encourages more female clans to ally with us. Attacks on Urdnot now endanger the females of all clans. Even clans that want to see me dead will defend Clan Urdnot."

Shepard softens a little, but I can tell she hates the idea still. I wonder exactly what the issue is and if she realizes how much she's going to enjoy being shared. Granted, that's a different scenario...and it's going to get me hard if I keep thinking about it. 

"So, your women have their own clan structure?" she clarifies. 

"Nothing is more valuable than a fertile female. We know it, they know it," he tells her. "They isolate themselves for their own protection. We work together to set-up breeding alliances. I can hardly do anything without Clan Leader Uta's approval." 

Grunt chuckles and shoulders me. "Sounds like someone else I know." 

I turn and punch him in the chest, Grunt stumbling back before charging me. I almost drive my elbow into his back but Shepard and Wrex have stopped talking to watch. Wrex is grinning, but Shepard looks like she wishes she could spank me. I push Grunt back enough to stand and put my arm around his shoulder, the Krogan settling as much as he ever does. 

"Anyway..." Shepard grins when I wink at her, and then she looks back to Wrex. "What's so important about individual clans?"

"Every clan has different customs," Wrex tells us, patient about explaining. He almost definitely remembers how curious Shepard is. In this case, I think at least some of the curiosity is because Grunt may end up here, and she wants to protect him. "Rites of passage, rules of behavior, battle songs, all unique. That diversity makes us great. No clan, not even mine, was meant to survive on its own."

"I see what that one means about breaking tradition," I note, all of this contradicting with everything I've learned about Krogan and Tuchanka. 

"But if Urdnot is the leading clan, doesn't that make your culture primary?"

Wrex nods, bobbing his head side to side. "For now. But every clan has its unique assets. The best tacticians are Urdnot, Jorgal has the longest breeding line, Gatatog holds the oldest settlements. Others have their own strengths. We keep going how we are, the clans will end up as craters under nuclear haze. Even Urdnot." He shakes his head. "We need to rethink. Restart." 

Uvenk huffs and stomps his feet petulantly but he doesn't say a word this time. At least he's capable of learning his lesson. 

"How's it going?" Shepard checks, probably also worried for Wrex's safety. Even though he's Wrex.

"Allies from other clans like what I'm doing," he replies. "They help deal with skeptics. Many are eager for an outlet. Every time I've declared a clan unwelcome, my allies have destroyed them. Word gets around." A shrug and he adds, "So, better than I'd feared, worse than I'd hoped." 

"It can't continue," Uvenk snaps. "You are going against what makes us strong." 

So much for learning his lesson. 

Shepard chuckles. "Sounds like you're not making friends."

"Traditionalists like Uvenk are chained Varren," Wrex snaps, giving Uvenk an expertly disinterested look. "Always fighting, guarding their pathetic stick in the ground. When the smoke clears, I can plant the flag on their corpses and rally the rest around a new Krogan hub." 

"Sounds like you're counting on a lot of bloodshed, even after you unite," I note. 

He nods, but doesn't look concerned or resigned. "It will be slow, but I won't change what we are. Krogan are judged by the strength of our enemies. Our worst insult is to say someone's not worth killing."

"I'm sure you can make it work for your people," Shepard assures him with a nod. She then grimaces playfully. "But you were right, and we came for a purpose." 

Wrex laughs. "We don't often allow aliens to do business on Tuchanka." He glances at me and adds, "We don't allow Turians on Tuchanka ever. But on both accounts, you're an exception." 

"And I appreciate it," Shepard tells me. She motions over her shoulder and explains, "I have a Krogan on my crew, Grunt. He has some kind of sickness and needs treatment." 

Wrex leans forward, eyes trained on Grunt, and plants one elbow on his knee. He then motions for Grunt to come toward him. Grunt starts to move, and I hold him for a split second longer. I trust Wrex but...it's Grunt. He's confident though, and he has to do this. So I let Grunt approach Wrex. 

"Where are you from, whelp?" Wrex asks. "Was your clan destroyed before you could learn what is expected of you?" 

"I have no clan," Grunt replies. "I was tank-bred by Warlord Okeer, my line distilled from Kredak, Moro, Shiagur - " 

In a flash, Uvenk is in Grunt's face. I realize then that Grunt is taller than Uvenk, which means he'll be taller than Wrex. Damn, this baby Krogan is big. But big or not, I'm not tolerating this. 

"You recite warlords, but you are the offspring of a syringe," Uvenk snaps. He doesn't get the full sentence out before I'm between them, forcing Uvenk to back away from Grunt. Uvenk snarls at me, and I return it, baring my teeth right back at him. I don’t care what planet we’re on, I don't back down from anyone. 

"I am pure Krogan," Grunt announces, stepping up to my side again and still only addressing Wrex. Good for him. "You should be in awe." 

"Easy, Vakarian," Wrex growls softly. 

It's not a warning, not an order. It's caution about the other people around who could see me threatening a Krogan and react without any context. And he's right. But it takes Shepard's hand on my arm for me to step back and breathe. She gives me a nod, approval for my instincts. 

"Okeer is a very old name," Wrex tells Grunt. "A very hated name." 

He stands and comes down from his throne, approaching Grunt, as Grunt tells him, "He is dead." 

"Of course he is. You're with Shepard. How could he be alive?"

Shepard's jaw drops open, and she makes an offended squeak, whacking me in the arm when I fail to hide my laugh. She then kicks Wrex for laughing, too. "I forgot what you two were like together. Could you focus, Wrex, and tell me what that name means to you?"

Wrex grows serious in an instant. "Okeer was a vicious warlord responsible for many deaths." He looks at Grunt and adds, "Who apparently toyed with genetics. A clone undertaking the Rite..." 

Wrex trails off and closes his eyes, rubbing his brow like the thought gives him a headache. Apparently even this pisses Uvenk off. 

"You are considering it?" he demands. "Tank-bred allowed status as an adult? This is too far!" 

Shepard throws up her hands. “I still just want to know what’s wrong with him!” 

"There is nothing wrong with him," Wrex counters, waving that off. "He is becoming a full adult." 

"So this is basically just puberty?" I laugh and shrug. "Can't we just take him to Omega, buy him a couple drinks and a dance?" 

"Garrus!" Shepard snaps. She can't even finish my name without laughing. 

Wrex laughs with her. "I don't care what aliens call it. Krogan undergo the Rite of Passage." 

"Too far, Wrex!" Uvenk screams, storming off. He continues yelling as he goes. "Your clan may rule, but this thing is not Krogan!" 

"Idiot," Wrex mutters at Uvenk's retreating back. He shakes it off and then turns back to Grunt. "So, Grunt? Do you wish to stand with Urdnot?"

Grunt immediately turns to Shepard, waiting for her opinion on it. An entirely different sort of flush explodes over her cheeks, and she straightens a little. I can see the pride swelling in her chest and feel it in mine. This is how a woman this incredible, a leader this amazing, deserves to be treated. 

"You don't have an issue with a tank-bred Krogan joining Clan Urdnot?" she asks Wrex, slipping right back into protective mode. 

"Only because he's with you," Wrex responds, entirely earnest. "After all, you and I killed thousands like him. Not quite as big, but many. Clan Urdnot is strong, and the others will do as I say. They see the benefit of my vision." 

"Okay, but what does the Rite of Passage require?" she presses. 

"She wants to keep our little baby Krogan here safe," I breathe, patting Grunt's cheek. Grunt, of course, shoves me away. I laugh and grab him under my arm again; he doesn't resist this time. 

Wrex shakes his head at us but manages to focus. "That's not for me to say, Shepard. The shaman will discuss that." 

"What happens if he doesn't do the Rite?" I ask, mostly just curious since it seems like Grunt is going to need this. It's that or destroy the Normandy. 

"If he were left here, he would be killed," Wrex answers simply. "The clanless are not respected. A tank-bred, probably more so. His disposition is what it is, Rite or no. That's just him being Krogan. Okeer didn't tell you that in the tank, did he, boy?"

Grunt doesn't answer. He shifts from foot to foot, and I can tell he's uncomfortable. He doesn't like the idea of being clanless. 

"Grunt." He turns toward Shepard when she calls his name. "This is your choice. We'll support whatever you decide."

I give him a nod to agree, and Grunt turns away. He walks to the edge of the platform where he can look over the Urdnot settlement. After a long moment, he turns back. "It is in my blood. It is what I am for." 

"Good boy," Wrex replies, and I agree with the sentiment. I can tell that Shepard does, too, even if she's still anxious. "Speak with the shaman. He's over on the second level." He motions toward a ramp that leads into what looks like a dark hallway. "Give him a good show, and he'll set you on the path." 

Wrex moves to climb back into his throne and turns halfway. "You two can go with him. Can't help but step in a mess, can you, Shepard?" 

We laugh with him and promise to return. Shepard leads us in the direction Wrex pointed and up to another level. It's more of the same up here, dirt and destruction. Shepard rounds a corner and then bounces backward immediately, landing against my chest. The Krogan she bounced off of comes into view. 

"Turn back, human," the Krogan, wearing a fancy shawl, growls at her. "I may be an ambassador among my people, but that doesn't mean I have to speak to the likes of you. Don't think that carrying this whelp of a Krogan makes you worth my time. Leave now before my guards decide to eject you." 

He has two Krogan bodyguards who step close, standing and either side of him. I do the same, pressing against Shepard, both so that I could easily move her out of harm's way and so that these Krogan will get the point. She is mine, and I won't tolerate threats. Grunt stands at her other side, flexing his fists. 

Shepard cocks her head and crosses her arms over her chest. "You seem like a well traveled Krogan, Ambassador," she says calmly. 

"I am." 

"Then you must know who I am." She's more cocky than calm now. I love it. "And you have to be aware that bad things happen to those who oppose me." 

Damn. 

The ambassador considers her for a moment. "Hmm. Stand down, men. I'm starting to like this human." 

The ambassador's guards back down, and Shepard signals for us to do the same. Grunt takes a step back, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm grateful when she doesn't push me. I'm even more grateful when she leans back into me...even if my erection swelling behind my plates is a little uncomfortable. 

"I am the ambassador from Clan Nakmor," the Krogan tells us. "We're a small clan based in the Kraddack Wastes." 

"What business does Clan Nakmor have with Urdnot?"

"Clan Leader Wrex requested that I come. He and Clan Nakmor have been in talks about a more permanent alliance. With our help, Urdnot could rally others behind its banner and truly unite Tuchanka." He makes an impassioned fist. 

Shepard smiles and looks up at me, proud of Wrex. He really has done amazing things. It's been two years, and to create change on Tuchanka in that short a time is just short of a miracle. And I'm Turian; we don't believe in miracles. 

"I thought all Krogan wanted to be warriors," she says to the ambassador. "What makes a Krogan become an ambassador?" 

He chuckles; I'm mostly just glad no one has told Shepard off for asking so many questions yet. "You don't know as much as you think, human. A Krogan diplomat has to represent the strength of his people, or his clan appears ripe for conquest. I slaughtered my way to the top. I speak with the authority of a warrior." 

Shepard blinks at him, obviously a little put off by the thought of slaughter for a position. It's probably a good thing she didn't fall for a Krogan. 

"I should go," she tells him, then extends a hand. "Nice to meet you." 

The ambassador seems surprised but then grips her forearm, shakes it, and nods. It's as much a sign of outright respect as Shepard's going to get, whether she realizes that's what it means or not. We turn away and find the right direction, identifying the shaman because Gatatog Uvenk is screaming at him and we hear the word 'tank-bred.'

"You go beyond yourself, Gatatog Uvenk," the shaman snaps at him as we approach. "The rites of Urdnot are dominant." 

"How do we know it will challenge him? He's unnatural!" Uvenk raves. "The beasts of the Rite could ignore him like a lump of plastic!" 

The shaman shakes his head. "They know blood, no matter the womb. Your barking does not help your case." 

Grunt charges ahead of me and Shepard. "I'll speak for myself!" he growls at the two of them. We hurry to catch up, just in case. 

"This is the tank-bred?" The shaman steps close and leans in to Grunt. "It is very likelike." He sniffs. "Smells correct as well." The shaman steps back a little. "Your protests may ring hollow, Uvenk." 

"Urdnot Wrex has given us permission to seek clan status for Grunt," Shepard notes. 

The shaman huffs. "Permission. That is good enough, if lacking in spirit." 

Uvenk isn't done trying, though. And he's trying my patience. "If this must stand on ritual, then I invoke a denial. My krantt stands against him! He has no one!"

"My patience is tested," the shaman sighs, "but Uvenk invokes correctly. Grunt, who is your krantt? Your allies willing to kill and die on your behalf?"

"How is a candidate tested if he brings back-up on the Rite of Passage?" I ask. 

"Not every Krogan can be the strongest warrior, but each must inspire his peers to battle at his side," the shaman explains without so much as a growl for the Turian. "If the ones who know you best can find nothing worthy in you, you should wander the wastes and die above before you weaken my clan." 

"Well, shit," I mutter, the answer a lot more intense than I expected. 

I catch Shepard’s eye over Grunt's head. She's asking, and I nod. There's really only one choice here. 

"We will kill for Grunt," Shepard announces. 

"Aliens don't know strength!" Uvenk roars, stepping up to the shaman's now. "My followers are true Krogan. Everything about Grunt is a lie!" 

Shepard scoffs at him, fearless. "You would go against a Shaman's will and stand in Grunt's way?"

"They have not defied me, human," the shaman replies, shaking his head. He then casts a dark look at Grunt and snaps, "They have angered me. As has this whole situation. I remain undecided." 

I know even before she opens her mouth that's going to be what finally sets Shepard off; she's not going to let some asshole Krogan like Uvenk stand in the way of what Grunt needs and his future. 

"What the hell is your issue, Uvenk?" she demands of him, stepping closer. I don't intervene; she doesn't need me. "What have you got against Grunt?"

"It doesn't matter if one of our own made him - he is a manipulation!" Uvenk cries. "He may as well be the genophage in the flesh." 

Grunt scoffs. "The genophage defines the weak. My bloodline will make us stronger." 

"You sound like Wrex, bringing radical change that threatens our core." Uvenk waves his hand dismissively at Grunt. "We have gone too far already."

"This is about politics?" Shepard snaps. "You maneuver like the Citadel Council. Does your krantt also fight with words?"

Uvenk steps closer, and so do I. I know that she can handle herself, but I'll be damned if I make her think she needs to. And I'm sure as hell not going to let a Krogan threaten my mate right in front of me. 

"You dare slander me in such a way?" he shouts. 

"Impressive!" the shaman interjects. "You challenged with words - their natural weapon." He nudges Uvenk but it doesn't seem particularly playful. "And your krantt sees how your position weakens, Uvenk." 

Uvenk whirls to the shaman. "You cannot decide in his favor! What about Krogan tradition if you pollute the Rite?"

"You dare!" the shaman roars, shoving Uvenk back. Hard. "I was a warrior before your mother was born! I speak with the authority of centuries. I decide who is worthy. That is the end of it." 

Uvenk stammers for a moment, and then announces, "I have other means to oppose this!" He storms off, shouldering Shepard as he passes. I shoulder him right back in retaliation, and I'm big enough that the bastard stumbles sideways and nearly falls. He glares, and I so badly want him to run his mouth, but then he just marches off. 

"You have provoked them," the shaman tells us. "Reason enough for me to like you. But they're your problem now." 

Shepard squeezes my hand, calming herself or me or both of us, and takes a breath. "Do we need any special equipment?"

"To begin the Rite, only the candidate and his krantt are required. You love battle, don't you, Shepard? The last gasp of a dying opponent?"

Grunt chuckles. "That's more the Turian's thing." I swat him in the back of the head but don't deny it in front of shaman. That feels like sacrilege somehow.

"Well, bring your love of the fight to Grunt's trial, and he will succeed," the shaman tells us. 

"What about that guy?" Shepard asks, motioning over her shoulder. 

"He is forbidden to interfere. Will he?" The shaman shrugs. "During the Rite of Passage, you must be ready for anything. From what you've shown me, you all will not disappoint." 

Shepard looks at me, then Grunt, and then back up at me. I give her a wink, and she grins. She's a lot less anxious now that she knows Grunt won't be alone in whatever he has to go through. She looks back to the shaman and nods. "We're ready. Let's do this." 

The shaman smiles and then leads us back across the settlement to an exit with a line of massive trucks, like a Cargo Bay if Cargo Bays had mostly dirt walls and were dirtier than the engine of the Hammerhead. There's a lot more to the clan than we first noticed though, and I'm hoping for a chance to look around when all of this is over. 

We climb into one of the trucks, all of us including the shaman and two armed guards with him. Shepard and I sit side by side on the bench, and it's natural for me to rest a hand on her thigh. It's also protective in his case; I can't help feeling territorial around people who could still easily become enemies. 

The guards notice my hand and exchange a glance. I ignore it. But when the shaman clearly notices, I almost pull away. Shepard catches my hand before I can and wraps her fingers around mine. It warms me that she doesn't care. She really has changed. 

"It's not common, is it?" the shaman asks. "Mating between your species?"

Okay, now she's a little uncomfortable. But she still doesn't pull away. 

"Not...particularly, no," she manages. It's a wild understatement. If and when we do mate, we'll be the only human-Turian couple I know of personally. And I'm fairly certain - after hours of research - that no other Turian has ever bonded with a human.

"It must make some of both your species unhappy," he notes. "Your people have been at war very recently. And I recall it being a particularly bloody war." 

"Not everyone is happy, no," I agree. "Some things are worth pissing people off for." 

The shaman chuckles. "That's hard to argue. I look forward to seeing you battle together." 

The truck comes to a stop, and we climb out. The guards go first, swinging their guns around like they're expecting trouble. Considering we're still underground and still on Tuchanka, it seems like that's a reasonable thing to expect. The shaman jumps out last and then leads us through the tunnel. It slopes upward like we're climbing toward the surface. 

"This is Tuchanka's most recent scar, the last surface city to fall in the rebellion. The keystone was at the heart," he tells us. "It has survived the passage of centuries. It endures, like the Krogan." 

We reach the surface through a hatch and arrive at a massive structure in the middle of a wind storm. There's not a lot to see, but Grunt spins in a circle, looking around like my sister in a shoe store. 

"If you wish to join Clan Urdnot," the shaman tells him. "You must contemplate the keystone and its trials." 

"What will happen?" Grunt asks. 

"Who knows? You must adapt. You must thrive, no matter the situation."

The shaman and guards then walk away, go back through the hatch, and leave us here. I know without hearing or seeing it that they lock that hatch. Shepard orders a quick tactical evaluation of the area, and then we head toward the switch for the keystone. 

"You seem a lot calmer than I would have suspected walking into this, big guy," Shepard notes, leaning on my side. How she can make me want to cuddle in the middle of Tuchanka and a windstorm while approaching a mystery battle is beyond me. This woman owns me. 

I wrap my arm around her shoulders. "I understand this - cultures with Rites. Turians have a few similar, pivotal moments. And Grunt deserves this." I squeeze her a little closer and add, "Besides, you want this for Grunt too, and that means you'll be cautious." 

"I'm never all that cautious, lover," she teases, poking me in the waist even though she knows I can't feel it through the armor. 

We approach the keystone and let Grunt do the honors, though he might punch the button a little harder than he needs to. While the keystone travels upward in a huge steel contraption, a voice comes over an intercom that booms and echoes through the desert around us. 

"First, the Krogan conquered Tuchanka, and mastered a natural world only we are fit to hold." 

The moment it finishes speaking, the keystone comes plummeting back down and hits the ground so hard, it makes us stumble. Growling marks the arrival of our first enemies - Varren. We spread out so that we can take out the Varren coming from any direction, and even with multiple waves and several dozen Varren, we manage it. 

When it's over, Grunt is all pumped up. He's bouncing up and down, barely able to contain himself, especially after the first challenge being so easy. His excitement is contagious for Shepard and I; my heart is pumping when he hits the keystone a second time, and Shepard can't stand still. 

The intercom echoes while the keystone lifts again. "Then the Krogan were lifted to the stars to destroy the fears of a galaxy, an enemy only we could chase to their lair." 

The keystone slams down, and we're off again. This time, it's us against a creature called Klixen - which I have to tell Shepard. I've never seen them in person before, she'd never even heard of them. The things are huge, red insects that spew fire. And to make this worse, they get dropped off by a Harvester, the friggin thing flapping massive wings and staying just out of reach. "I hate Tuchanka," Shepard announces. 

"I love it," Grunt cheers, blowing the face off another one. We get through wave after wave of the creatures, effective enough that none of them can get close enough to pose a real threat. 

This isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, so I'm feeling good when we go back to hit the keystone again. "Now all Krogan bear the genophage," the intercom says. "Our reward, our curse. It is a fight where the only goal is survival." 

The keystone slams down again, but this time when the ground starts to shake...it doesn't stop again. "Feel that?" Grunt cheers, jumping up and down. "Everything is...shaking. I am ready!" 

There's a boom, something exploding behind us, and we whirl around to find that it's something like a huge tentacle that's burst from the ground. "What the hell is that?" I demand. 

"Oh, shit," Shepard breathes, her face instantly paling. "That's a fucking Thresher Maw, get down!" 

We move immediately, Grunt diving behind a concrete barrier while I follow Shepard behind one of the metal structures. And I'm glad I did because she's already panting, eyes wide. I know exactly when Shepard last faced a Thresher Maw while she was on the ground, and I know that she still has nightmares about it. 

"Look at me," I order her, tugging her ponytail. She looks up, pupils blown on her vibrant emerald eyes. "You are not the same soldier as you were on Akuze. You've learned a lot. And picked up a Turian who has your six. Okay?" 

Shepard takes a deep breath and nods. Then she takes another breath, and I know she's pulled it together. That only gets confirmed when she pulls out the Rocket Launcher. 

"That's my girl." I kiss her quickly, and then we get to business. 

Grunt is still all amped up, and with this particular enemy, I know Shepard wishes he'd calm down and stay behind cover. The battle is long, and more than once we have to dive for cover from a stream of acid that would burn right through our shields and armor. I try not to consider what it would do to Shepard's soft skin when I know what it can do to my much-tougher, more resistant plates. 

Shepard lands the kill shot, one final rocket into its open mouth, and then it goes down with a scream. I know it helps her, being the one to end something that represents an enemy she couldn't defeat. And in this case, it feels particularly rewarding because the keystone doesn't reset. We just completed the Krogan Rite of Passage. 

Before we have a chance to celebrate, a shuttle flies overhead and lowers slowly to land nearby. "We have company," Grunt growls. "Good. I want more." 

Shepard frowns at him but motions for us all to approach the shuttle. None of us is surprised when it's Gatatog Uvenk and his men who jump out. Uvenk climbs up on top of a fallen concrete pillar, his personal stage, and he paces. 

"You live, and you brought down the Thresher Maw," he muses. "No one has done that in generations. Urdnot Wrex was the last." 

Grant stands tall. "My krantt gave me strength beyond my genes. Which are damn good." 

"True. Your alien found weakness in some of my krantt." He jumps down and approaches us; instinctively, I step closer to Shepard. "I wonder...you say you are pure? Okeer constructed you? No alien meddling?"

"The best Krogan traits are distilled into Grunt," Shepard snaps, still on her protective streak. It's sweet, really. It also might be necessary. "He's designed to be perfect." 

"Being designed is the problem," Uvenk retorts. "But not made by aliens. And he is truly powerful. That is a tolerable loophole." 

Grunt glances at us and then asks, "A what?"

"A reason to accept you. You are a mistake, but your potential could tip the current balance of the clans." 

I cock my rifle and inform the asshole, "The only mistake here is you showing up to ruin this. Call him that again, and you won't live to regret it." Maybe Shepard isn't the only one still protective. 

Grunt doesn't need the protection, though. "You spit on my father's name," he growls. "On Shepard's name! But now you stop ranting because I'm strong?"

"With restrictions," Uvenk clarifies, pointing a thick talon. "You could not breed, of course. Or serve on an alien ship. But you'd be clan in name." 

"You only want him as a trophy," I snap. 

"You talk like he's a thing," Shepard chimes in. "You're after his power. You don't really want him in your clan." 

Uvenk waves us off. "Of course not. I didn't really want to cooperate with Clan Urdnot either, but I had to. Clan Gatatog is on the verge...either of greatness or of joining the dust. I get traditionalist support if I fight you and reformer support if I back you. Your Rite of Passage tipped that balance, too." 

Shepard rolls her eyes but turns to Grunt. "It's your call. I mean, it does sound like an easy job." 

"That's the problem," Grunt replies. "I'm pure Krogan. Uvenk, you are the pretender." 

Uvenk snarls at that. "Your head is valuable whether you're alive or dead." 

Grunt whips out his shotgun. "Just try to take it." 

And with that, we're off and everyone is pulling out their guns. But then I spot someone directly behind Uvenk lifting a rocket launcher. "Down!" I order. Neither of them hesitates, the three of us running and jumping back over concrete building supports to hide behind. 

Uvenk and his men have a lot of barriers and armor, so the fight is long and hard. Plus the asshole with the rockets since we've already used all of ours against the Maw. And after fighting the Maw and every other enemy, the battle is starting to wear by the time Uvenk falls. I can see the exhaustion creeping on Shepard as well. 

Grunt walks over to Uvenk's body and gives it a kick, either just in case or just because he wants to. It's good with me either way. "Uvenk is meat," he announces. "Let's signal the keystone to get out of here and leave him to rot." 

We head back for the tunnel that we came from. I spot Shepard giving herself a dose of stims and do the same. She can't scold me for it now without being hypocritical. And then she narrows her eyes at me and I know she's realized that, too. But she still laughs at my wink so she's not too annoyed. 

As we get near the hatch, the shaman's guards climb back out. They bring us back down into the tunnel and the truck, where the shaman is waiting. This time, however, he doesn't say a word to us the entire way back to the clan. I can tell Grunt is anxious, trying to figure out what happens next, and it's probably a good thing the ride is short because I don't know how much longer he'll last. 

We get out of the truck at the clan settlement and follow the shaman back to Wrex's dais. It seems like all other activity has stopped, everyone watching us. Watching the tank-bred and his alien buddies. 

The shaman finally stops in front of Wrex's throne where Wrex watches and we can only wait. "You have passed the Rite of Passage, earning the honor of clan and name," the shaman announces. He signals for Grunt to kneel, and Grunt does. "Many survive, but it has been years since a Thresher Maw fell. Your name shall live in glory." 

I can just about feel Grunt's heart pounding as the shaman steps closer and continues, "Grunt, you are Urdnot. You may now own property, join the army, and apply to serve under a battlemaster." 

"Shepard is my battlemaster," Grunt announces with no hesitation. "She has no match." 

Pride expands in my chest, forcing the air out. It's a hell of a commendation from a Krogan, especially in front of his new clan. All of them. Shepard is hit by it too, her heartrate spiking and color exploding into cheeks. She deserves it, and he's right. Shepard has no match, not as battlemaster or woman or best friend. And she's mine. 

Damn I've got it bad for her.

The shaman nods to approve while I get my shit back under control. He signals and Grunt climbs back to his feet. "Congratulations, Urdnot Grunt. Accept this token from Fortack. His weapons are the finest we have." 

Grunt immediately turns to show me his new toy, as proud of this as he was about completing the Rite. And I can't blame him when I get a look at the thing; it's a beautiful shotgun. While Shepard chats with the shaman, I tell Grunt, "You know, I could mod this so you can equip other ammo." 

"Yeah?" The tough guy Krogan who was just rampaging on Klixen and a Thresher Maw bounces on his toes and grins up at me. 

"Yeah, little buddy, it's not a problem." I pat his shoulder and give the gun back, Grunt not ready to put it away yet. 

We come back to Shepard and the shaman, and I'm not sure how they got here, but the shaman is talking about rites and ceremonies. "Becoming the shaman is excruciating," he tells her. "I passed through rites that made me wish to die. I carry the scar on my soul. I must perform rites each dawn and dusk to keep me bound into our Krogan nature. Our spirit is one of violence and death; I must be attuned to that." 

"Your job is awful," Grunt deadpans. 

"Indeed," the shaman agrees. He extends a hand to Grunt, then to Shepard, and even to me. That last one shocks the hell out of me. He nods to us and says, "May your foes be strong enough to keep your sharp," before he walks away. 

"Oh, that's a good line. Shepard, let's put that on a plaque in our bedroom."

She laughs and leans into my side. I notice immediately that it draws more attention from the crowd around us. They can't stop talking about us killing the Thresher Maw, especially because a human female was involved in it. They all hate Turian but they can at least acknowledge we're strong; they think humans are too soft for that. I bet their heads would explode if they knew that not only is Shepard the toughest being on this planet, but she's also incredibly soft. It's the balance that's so amazing. 

We head back to Wrex, Shepard holding my hand and Wrex definitely noticing. He grins and shakes his head at us. "You just can't help making trouble, Shepard. No one has killed a Maw since my turn in the Rite. Next you'll tell me he's a quint and craps dark matter." He sighs deeply. "Guess that's what it takes to replace me." 

It occurs to me that he means it, too. Wrex is a little sad there's another Krogan on our mission, on our ship. He's definitely wrong about being replaced, though. 

"It's not possible to replace you, Wrex," Shepard assures him, "even if we love Grunt." She looks up at Grunt with a smile and adds, "And we do love you." 

I can tell both Krogan appreciate it. 

Wrex leans forward a little and motions Grunt closer, giving him another appraising once over. Whatever he finds, he likes. "You are Urdnot Grunt. Welcome." 

Wrex shakes his hand, and then we have to turn Grunt over to the clan who all want to greet and congratulate him, too. I hear more than one ask about the Normandy and Reapers. If they ask inappropriate questions about Shepard, they'll regret it. Grunt might be just as protective of her as I am.

"I want more time to catch up with you two, but I have this nonsense to deal with," Wrex tells us, motioning toward the line of Krogan waiting to talk to him. 

"We get it. I'm gonna call the Normandy and have a shuttle bring Mordin down," Shepard says. "Me and the big guy will explore on our own while you work if you don't mind Grunt hanging out for a while." 

Wrex agrees, and Shepard smiles at both of us before walking off ahead of me. I turn to leave Wrex to his work, but a massive hand grips my arm and spins me right back around to face him. "What the hell are you doing, Vakarian?" he demands, glaring at me. He looks like he could shred me when moments ago, he was smiling. 

I yank my arm out of his grip mostly for my own protection. I want to shove him back, but I realize that would probably be a death wish considering where we are. I stopped having those wishes. 

"What are you talking about?" I demand. "I'm not doing anything!" 

"Exactly!" he snaps. "You spent the whole year we served together on the Normandy swooning over Shepard, and now that you have her," he punches my shoulder, "she is running around without your mark." Another punch, and this one I return. Instantly three shotguns are trained on me, but Wrex waves them off. 

"Would you knock it off? Shit. I...I'm not gonna mark her, not yet." 

Wrex growls. "Not ever. Don't lie to me when I can smell those pheromones. You bonded with her, and she doesn't even know it. Coward." 

I'd love to tell him off, but he's right. And I hate it. 

"Look, I..." I check to make sure Shepard isn't coming back yet. "You're right, okay? But it's not that simple. Humans don't bond, you know that, right? So I tell her I bonded with her and then what? She's stuck with me. That's not fair, and you know it." 

Wrex studies me for a moment and then growls again. "Maybe you should just tell her how badly she fucked you up," he grumbles. I hit him again and don't get guns drawn on me this time. "You know the bond is incomplete, right?"

"I know. I'm dealing with it." I look at him seriously and press, "Wrex. You cannot tell her. No jokes, nothing. I don't want her to know." 

Wrex nods. "I'm not a gossiping female, Vakarian. And I respect you enough not to tell her. But I'll lose respect for you if you don't." 

"You know, fuck you, Wrex. That actually hurts." I hold my chest to fake pain, and he laughs before shoving me away again, playful this time. Shepard is returning, but I can't help myself, so I add quickly, "I hear what you're not saying, by the way. You approve of me mating with your battlemaster," I tease. "What does that make me?" I smack his cheek playfully, and Wrex retaliates by nailing me in the gut with his biotics. It's a good hit, knocking the air out of me and forcing me to double over. "Battle Turtle," I gruff out, doing my best to appear unaffected as Shepard rejoins us. 

"I left you two alone for like two minutes," she scolds us playfully. I should be ashamed when she gives me a concerned look while gently covering my stomach with her hand. Instead, I sort of want to milk it and lean against her. She laughs, not allowing that either. "Let's leave Wrex to his throne and look around. I'm sure you can find a new toy to shoot." 

Wrex laughs and waves us off, taking a moment to shoot me a hard glare over Shepard's head. Message received. I know what he wants, but I know he's wrong. I have to do what's best for Shepard, and bonding with her is not included in that.


	31. High Stakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I have failed you! Election stress has had me up for DAYS I missed Thursday being a thing. But now you get two chapters from me today so...I hope that makes up for it. I LOVE YOU.

"A human and Turian, hanging out on Tuchanka," I muse, Garrus wrapping his arm around my shoulders. Down here, I know it's just as much about protection as it is his affection for me. I don't mind. "This has to be a first." 

He laughs. "I'm sure you're right. We should make it a regular thing, come down here for vacations. Oh, or even our honeymoon." 

"I'm going to focus on you assuming we'll have a honeymoon so I don't get mad at you for that suggestion." 

Garrus laughs, throwing his head back to make room for the sound. That free laugh, his joy, are becoming more common even when we're not alone. He's almost back to normal, that darkness just about completely gone. When we are alone, he's just about always this happy, and I don't know how I earned that, but I'm damn grateful for it. 

He stops to watch a couple Krogan sparring, and I don't argue it, giving him a minute. Nearby, two other Krogan are deep in conversation over a meal that does not smell good. "Were you around when the female camp sent the children over last week?" one of them asks the other. 

"No, I was off dealing with a Varren attack. Why? Any promising warriors?"

The first one shrugs. "Yes, of course. One day, they will tear our enemies apart." Geez, and all I want for my kids is for them to be healthy. Krogan have a whole different set of standards. The Krogan grows serious and continues, "But one of the children...probably five years from the Rite? He had my eyes, I think." 

I can hear the hope in his voice, and it makes my heart ache. They don't get to know their children? I understand why Krogan protect the women and children as well as they do, I even understand how the children became a precious resource, but I feel bad for this guy who just wants to know his kid. 

"Ha!" the other exclaims. "You think you actually had a fertile female on one of your trips to their camp?"

"I...I must have."

"A son! Good for you!" the second Krogan cheers. "We'll get a Ryncol to celebrate." 

The first shakes his head from what I can see out of the corner of my eye. I'm smart enough to know getting caught eavesdropping won't be a good idea. "The child...my son...we played Tackle the Varren. It was...he was good. Fast. Strong." 

"Of course he was," the other Krogan cheers, smacking his friend's chest. "Any son of yours must be." 

"And then they went back to the female camp. It was so fast. I didn't get to talk with him." I lean into Garrus. "Should I ask the female clan for the Rite of Parentage?"

His friend huffs at that. "Why bother with all the politics? You know you've sired a son. That's enough." 

"But I could teach him to hunt. The best way to shoot a gun. To fight with honor and savagery!" 

"You can do that next time they bring the children over." 

The Dad Krogan sighs. "It's not the same." 

It's obvious how much this means to him. And I know how much impact the genophage has on all this. If the Krogan could have children when they want them and not by luck of the draw around a mutation that ends most lives before they begin, this guy wouldn't have to be heartbroken at never knowing his son. Maybe the only son he'll ever have. 

Garrus squeezes me and asks softly, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking." I smile to reassure him. Garrus doesn't feel completely convinced, I can tell, but he doesn't push me. Probably because of where we are. And when I offer him a kiss, he smiles and leans down to take it. 

We head further into the settlement, pausing next when we spot a Krogan merchant. He's leaning on his console, and a Varren wearing a collar is sitting at his feet. The Varren growls as we approach but doesn't make a move, and the Krogan just looks us over.   
He doesn't react poorly at least, and when we get close, he says, "Greetings. My name is Ratch. Have a look." 

"Everyone we've talked to before hates that aliens are in Urdnot," I note. "Except you." 

Ratch shrugs. "I don't have the luxury of turning away paying customers. I do enough business off-world to know that you aliens have more credits than people here do." 

The Varren comes a little closer, sniffing my boot, and I hold my hand down in case he decides to sniff it. Varren or not, I can't help wanting to befriend a pet. 

"What do you have in stock?" Garrus asks Ratch. 

"Mostly food and drink that's toxic to humans," he answers. He looks at me and adds, "Don't try to act tough. It'll tear your insides apart." 

"He's not joking," Garrus chimes in. "Ryncol hits aliens like ground glass." 

I frown and note, "I've seen you drink it." 

"Practice," Garrus responds with an uncomfortable little laugh. Even talking about drinking makes him a little anxious these days, and I hate it. I wrap my arm around his waist, making sure he knows I don't judge him no matter how he judges himself. 

"Yeah. But otherwise, I've got weapons, scrap, and whatever food those pyjaks don't steal," Ratch continues. "Which isn't much. You're welcome to take a look." 

"You know, what the hell is a pyjak?" I have to ask. "I've only heard it from Wrex as an insult, a swear, or a euphemism. I don't think I realized they were...real." 

"Offworld vermin," Ratch answers. "I've heard humans say they're like monkeys. They come in and steal food, Ryncol...whatever they can get their talons on." He motions behind us and says, "We started using the mounted defense cannons to stop them." 

"Wait, I thought pyjaks came from Tuchanka," Garrus says. 

Ratch shakes his head. "An alien trader landed here a few years back. He had goods and salvage from some tropical planet, said they were stowaways. They swarmed off his ship and started stealing food and shitting everywhere." 

"What happened to the trader?" I ask with a grimace. "I can't imagine he was allowed to walk away after that." 

"Not a chance. One ball of pyjak dung nailed the leader of Clan Forsan across the forehead. That's apparently grounds for execution." A laugh escapes me, and I try to stifle it with a hand over my mouth; I'm not sure what laughing at a Clan Leader deserves in punishment. 

"You know," Garrus begins, turning again to look at those mounted defense cannons, "I'm a pretty good shot. Maybe I can help out with the pyjaks." 

I can see how excited he is about it. Any excuse to kill things and try out new weapons for my Turian. But I can't let it go that easily. "I'm a better shot, so maybe I can help more." 

Garrus gives me a playful glare, but Ratch chimes in, "Feel free. You can use the console out there to control the guns. Make a dent in the pyjak population, and you get a discount."

"Deal," Garrus agrees. The pet Varren is finally sniffing at my fingers, almost leaning into my hand, but I know patience will be the key so I head off with Garrus. I've never been one to turn down a discount, and shooting makes Garrus happy. Besides, I get to compete with him, and that means a prize is involved. 

"Okay, big guy. What are the terms?" 

"If I win...you let me tape you giving me a blow job." My heart skips and heat pools low in my stomach. He picked something that he knew I'd be into. He's the best. 

"If I win...I get to use those handcuffs on you." 

Garrus growls a little and pulls me closer. "I've never wanted to shoot something more in my life, win or lose." I laugh and tug him down by the carapace so that I can kiss his cheek. I love that it makes him blush every time.

We head toward that small mounted cannon Ratch pointed out, sitting at the barrier near the perimeter. A Krogan who looks thoroughly bored is guarding it and scoffs when we approach. "What do you want, human? Wrex said to be polite. He didn't say you were going to talk to me." 

"Easy, kid," Garrus warns, mostly playful. But he does know me pretty well. 

"Wrex really has you over here wasting your time, shooting vermin?" I reply, cocking a hip even though I manage to keep my arms down. 

"I'm our Chief Scout," he replies puffing out his chest. When that doesn't impress us, he sighs. "Ammunition is the one thing we're not hurting for on Tuchanka. As Scout Commander, I have to set an example. Plus, the little bastards get into food supplies if their numbers get too high. Can't have that." 

"Don't your storehouses have automated defenses?" I ask. This really does seem wasteful, even if it's going to get me something great - win or lose. 

The Chief Scout shrugs. "Why bother? Half of what we eat is vermin. And if we get a hold of defense systems, we don't use them to guard grain. We've got weapons stockpiles to take care of. Beyond that, our women and children get the security."

"Your enemies go after civilians?" I balk. 

"Easiest way to wipe out a clan," he responds as if it's normal, casual even. "Women and kids can fight, but they're always outnumbered if another clan goes after them. If it's women and children are killed, a clan's hope for the future is lost. It falls apart." 

Garrus's voice is soft when he notes, "The genophage was always intended to target their women and children. No one suffers from it more." I nod, feeling that pain raw. I had to deal with the reality of never being able to have children once, long before I knew if I wanted them; I just didn't want the choice removed. And now that I do want them...

"We don't do that, though," the Chief Scout continues, rescuing me from my thoughts. "Wrex's orders. Even if it costs us a battle, we don't fire on noncombatants." 

That makes me just as proud as Grunt completing the Rite and choosing me as his battlemaster. Wrex did not feel that way when we first met; he shot Fist when the guy was unarmed and had surrendered. Now he's not killing noncombatants even if it means losing a battle. Who knew something centuries old could still learn and grow?

"You see a lot of action around here?" Garrus asks, approaching the perimeter and scanning it. I wouldn't be surprised if he were hoping for a fight. 

"Enough. Varren here and there, snakes in any of the water safe enough to drink. Wrex has made ceasefire agreements with some of the clans, but we still patrol. Keeps 'em honest." 

"What does a Scout Commander do?" I ask. It's not exactly a position we need to deal with in the Alliance Navy. 

"We find out where the enemies are, and we make them think that there are too many of us to screw with," the Chief Scout answers proudly. "Sometimes that means harassing the perimeter, taking out a generator or two. Other times, we play hide and seek. We leave lots of tracks, exaggerate our numbers." 

I grimace a bit at that. It sounds dirty. "That's not recon, that's sabotage." 

"It's a lot easier to count their numbers once you blow some of them up," he replies with a shrug. 

Garrus adds, "Everyone knows where Urdnot is, Shepard. It's not like they can hide." He shakes his head a little. "It still amazes me that you exist with every clan encroaching on each other's borders. Turians would absolutely destroy each other; it's why the Unification Wars ended the way they did." 

The Chief Scout nods like he understands. I really know very little history of other species. I wonder if that's because I grew up on a colony or if it speaks to a lack of education among humans. Or maybe an excess of ego that means we don't bother learning about anyone else. 

"Our borders are determined by the range of our guns," the Chief Scout tells us. He leans against the barrier, the way that he was before we walked over here. He's relaxing. That has to be a good sign. "We are what we are. If we didn't fire at the others, they wouldn't take us seriously." 

I take a breath and squash my curiosity. I can't stand here asking questions all day, and it's not their fault I learned nothing growing up or in military training that aids me with other species. "Alright, well. Can you show us how to use the cannon for pyjak? We promised Ratch we'd give it a try." 

"It's pretty simple," he assures us. 

The system is a basic one. Move the targeting system, launch the shot, kill the pyjaks. They really do look like monkeys. I have to remind myself that they're terrors for the Krogan to make myself shoot them instead of protecting them. Well, that and even if the incentive to lose is there, I have to beat Garrus. 

I need more time than he does to adjust to the difference in time between when I launch the shot and when it hits. But he's a born sniper and doesn't take out multiple pyjaks at once. Between us, we take out dozens by the time the Chief Scout's timer goes off.   
And Garrus takes out just a couple more. 

"You two can come back anytime," the Chief Scout says, going so far as to shake Garrus's hand before we walk away. 

"No bragging," I warn him even though I know it's useless and Garrus being a cocky dick is one of the things I love most about. 

"Oh, don't worry. I plan to wait until you're on your knees." He ducks his head and breathes into my ear, "And on camera." 

A shudder runs down my spine, that delicious combination of fear and anticipation and arousal that only Garrus can bring me. Although on a planet of aliens with super senses who can smell that arousal on me, and probably the fear too, it's a big more unnerving. I only don't freak out because Garrus is here. He might be right about my kink for exhibition, but I need to feel safe. 

We get back to Ratch, and he's a lot more animated to see us this time. "Seeing those vermin roasting in the heat from an explosive shell...I swear, it was glorious!" he cheers. 

"It was a lot of fun," Garrus admits. 

"Help yourself to more anytime. There's no shortage of pyjaks out there if you got a craving for violence." He motions to the kiosk. "I'm a man of my word. I'll give you a discount at my store. Anything you want, you buy at cost." 

We thank him and head to the console. He has a few armor upgrades that are worth it for members of the team, and we pick up a bottle of Ryncol as a gift for Grunt to celebrate his victory. I have all that sent to the shuttle. But I also buy a chunk of fresh pyjak meat and take that from Ratch right here. 

Garrus looks disturbed at first, like he thinks I might eat the raw vermin meat, but it shifts to something more like concern when I move to the collared Varren. He approaches me on his own this time, though still cautious and growling. I toss the first piece to the animal, and then make him come to me for the second. He gobbles it up and then nuzzles into my hand. 

"Good boy." I stand up and hold a hand out. "Sit." The Varren immediately obeys and plants his ass. The growling has stopped, too. 

Ratch laughs. "Looks like Urz has found himself a friend." 

"Oh, great," Garrus groans, giving the Varren a contemptful look. "We gotta go, Shepard." 

I'm sure he's just trying to get me away from Urz now but he has a point. We need to meet Mordin and get on with the next part of our day. Even if I am already feeling how much we've done. But as we start walking away, Urz follows. He gets right on my heels and stays close, tongue lolling out of his mouth. 

"I think you're supposed to stay here," I tell Urz.

"Don't matter to me none," Ratch tells us, shrugging his massive shoulders. "Don't shoot him or put him in the Varren pit." 

"Really?" I wanted to make friends with a pet but I didn't think I'd get to hang out with the little guy all day! I reach down to pet him, and Urz jumps up to plant his hands on my chest, tail wagging just as Mordin approaches us. 

"Shepard! You can't be serious." I look at Garrus and find him grimacing. "Why would you want that diseased thing following us around all day?"

"Garrus Vakarian, you stop that! Urz is not diseased, he's adorable." I look back down at the Varren and scratch under his chin, cooing, "Aren't you adorable, Urzy? Yes, yes you are!" 

"Humans often connect to animals," Mordin explains to Garrus. "Keep as pets, even domesticate wild animals. Live and eat with animals." 

"We even let dogs and cats sleep on our beds," I tease him. 

Garrus scowls at me. "I don't know what dogs or cats are but animals are not sleeping on our bed." He softens almost immediately though and adds, "But I won't fight you on the tagalong today. Fair?"

"More than," I agree. "You should make friends with him, too!" 

I straighten so that Urz goes back to having all four paws on the ground, and he looks up at Garrus. The Varren bares his teeth and growls, but the Turian responds with a growl of his own. Urz backs down immediately, lowering his head and whimpering in what definitely sounds like submission. "Yeah, that's what I thought," Garrus tells him. 

"Turians...do not keep pets," Mordin says, humor evident in his clipped tone. Garrus and I laugh with him, and Urz goes back to looking happy. 

We get even more dirty looks with a Salarian in our little group than when it was just me and Garrus. We all have an unspoken agreement not to comment on it, though, no matter what we hear. Tuchanka is not the place for a fight. 

We reach Wrex without problem, but he's in the middle of mediating what looks like a deadly fight between two massive Krogan. He makes time to send us to the Chief Scout for information on Maelon, Mordin's assistant, and we get the hell out of his way. My job is hard sometimes, with managing such diverse crews, but it pales in comparison what Wrex has to deal with. 

The Chief Scout is more polite when we approach this time, even if he seems suspicious of Mordin. It's hard to blame him for that, considering what Salarians did to the Krogan. It's a good thing he doesn't know what Mordin personally did. I do my best not to think about it, but that's going to be hard today. 

"Wrex told me to ask you about a Salarian I'm looking for," I tell him. "The Blood Pack captured him, and he was seen around here." 

"I heard about that Salarian. Poor bastard." The Chief Scout shrugs. "If it's Blood Pack, then Clan Weyrloc has him. I sent one of my scouts to check it out, but he never reported back. Guess they got him, too. But Wrex told me to give you one of the trucks. Just follow the highway to Weyrloc's base, if you've got the quads to deal with him and the Blood Pack."

"Only one quad among us, but it's damn impressive," I quip. Garrus flashes me a deadly look that makes me desperate to get away with him, but I focus on the subject at hand. "What's Clan Weyrloc's reputation? And how are they involved with the Blood Pack?"

"Tough humps. Not friendly, like we are. Clan Weyrloc started the Pack . One of the only gangs with an offworld presence." 

Garrus notes, "Garm was Weyrloc." 

"He was." The Chief Scout gives Garrus an appraising once over. "I heard Garm didn't make it off Omega. Supposed to have been taken down by a real badass Turian." 

"I don't know anything about that," Garrus replies smoothly. 

"Uh-huh. Well, they're fanatics, totally devoted to Weyrloc Guld. Whatever they did with your Salarian, Guld's behind it." 

I shake my head, still surprised and maybe annoyed that we're still somehow dealing with these gangs. They're everywhere we turn. Now I think I have a small idea of how Garrus felt on Omega. "But the Blood Pack has non-Krogan members. Like Vorcha." 

"The vorcha?" The Chief Scout scoffs. "They're just like the Varren, only they can use guns and don't crap on the floor as often. The Krogan are the only real members of the Blood Pack. Anyone else is just there to soak up enemy fire." 

"What makes this Guld so special?" Garrus asks. He's already on edge. All it takes is the mention of the Pack. 

"He's got two children; one of them is a girl. Some people think he's got a destiny." He shakes his head. "Not me. I had a cousin who won 20 consecutive games of quasar. Lucky bastard. I'd ask my cousin for a loan, but I would swear allegiance to him. Luck. That's all it is. Same for Guld." 

Oh, I like this Chief Scout. He's a reasonable guy, especially considering his species and position. I should have known Wrex would surround himself with the right kind of people for support. 

"Can you tell us anything about Clan Weyrloc's base?" 

"Last I heard, the clan was holed up in an old hospital. I haven't seen it, though. You get inside, though, bring a big gun. Weyrloc's base is crawling with Blood Pack." 

"A hospital?" I echo, surprised. "That doesn't sound too defensible. Why'd they hole up there?"

"Any hospital on Tuchanka has to be built well enough to withstand a bunch of enraged Krogan," the Chief Scout notes. "When an injury forces us to switch over to secondary organs, things get messy. Higher thought processes don't always transition properly." 

"It's a shame, though," Garrus chimes in. "Hospitals are no fun to fight though." 

I laugh and ask, "What is fun to fight through?"

"Gardens, electronic shops." He shrugs. "Antique stores, but only if they're classy." 

"Oh, my God." I roll my eyes at him, and Garrus grins like he's proud of himself. "You know where we can get that truck?"

The Chief Scout points us to an area nearby that he calls a garage but doesn't look like any sort of garage I've ever seen. Not a functioning one anyway. But it does have several massive trucks and a guy working on one who looks to be in charge. The tire that he's working on is taller than the Krogan or Garrus. 

"Do I look like I have time to talk?" the mechanic asks as we approach, before we ever have a chance to say a word. Krogans do not care much for first impressions. "I've got work to do. Those fools brought this tomka back from a skirmish without its combustion manifold. They say it got shot off in the field. You tell me: how can you expect a tomkah to run without a combustion manifold?"

He just said a whole bunch of words I don't understand at all, but Garrus jumps right in to save the day and starts talking shop with him. Most of it sounds like a foreign language but it gets the mechanic to stop working and turn around to face us. I know that it ends in Garrus offering to keep an eye out for a combustion manifold while we're in the field. Just so long as I don't have to understand what that is or does.

"If you found one, it'd save me a lot of work," the mechanic notes. "Maybe bring back my sunny disposition." 

"I've never seen a Krogan mechanic before," I admit. 

The mechanic chuckles. "What, you think we kidnap Quarians and make them do the hard work? Not anymore we don't." 

Garrus laughs at his joke, the mechanic wacks him on the shoulder while they share the laugh as if the two of them are suddenly best friends. Leave it to my Turian to come down to an entirely hostile planet and make a friend. And somehow this man doesn't think he's a leader. 

The mechanic points us to a truck, and we thank him for it before heading over. "Shepard!" a familiar voice gruffs from behind us. We turn to face Wrex who is marching over, chewing on a giant piece of jerky. "We don't have trucks to spare." 

Garrus barks out a laugh, and I punch his chest before whirling on Wrex. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I've been in a tank that you were driving," the Krogan Clan Chief who must have more than one quad on him says. "And I don't want you destroying one of mine in the same way. Let Vakarian drive." 

"Wrex, you're asking to get your ass kicked by a human female right here in front of your entire clan," I warn him, stepping close. He eyes me warily, definitely wondering if I'm serious. As much as I hate when they tease me about this, I don't want to fight Wrex. So instead of punching him, I flick him right on the nose. "Jerk." 

Wrex laughs and shoves me backward, not hard enough to even make me stumble. It's enough of a peace offering for both of us. I agree to let Garrus drive, and Garrus does his best not to preen or laugh about it. He fails at both, but at least we're on our way to the Weyrloc base quickly. 

Tuchanka is an absolute wasteland. The atmosphere on the surface is thick with smog, there are random fires all over, and it definitely looks like this place has been through a nuclear war. It hurts to see. No one should have to live on a world like this, especially not children. And then the rest of the galaxy complains about Krogan temperament after confining the Krogan to a place like this! The hypocrisy is absurd. 

We follow a map to the hospital and stop outside, leaving the truck in a safe place and then arming ourselves immediately. We have to proceed through rubble even to approach and I get the point now about how this serves as an effective base. 

"Conserve ammo as much as possible," I tell Garrus and Mordin. "We should expect heavy resistance." 

"Done," Mordin agrees. 

"Aye, Commander," Garrus promises. 

Almost immediately, we turn a corner and just about stumble onto more Klixen. We're close enough to worry about the fire they can spew but I throw up a barrier quickly and the fire doesn't penetrate it. "Well done, kid," Garrus praises me, no surprise in it. It feels good to use my biotics to contribute! Especially when it means protecting my squad. 

Once we wipe out the first wave of Klixen, we press forward only to be greeted by more of the nasty little things...that aren't little at all. Only the second wave have their Varren buddies with them. Urz gets involved in the fight with enthusiasm even Garrus can approve of; the little guy is tough. I'm just praying he doesn't get hurt because I'm definitely going to cry if a pet gets shot. 

Urz seems smart, though, managing to handle some of the Varren for us without getting himself too deep in harms way. And as soon as all the Klixen and Varren are done, Urz is back at my side. He's also decided to be extremely obedient to Garrus. It's pretty damn cute. 

Further on, we run into the Vorcha Blood Pack members I was talking about. I hated these guys on Omega, I hate them here. Vorcha are chaotic, reckless, unpredictable. Fighting them makes me anxious, but we manage to take them out with relative ease. This is our first time in the field with Mordin, and I'm pleasantly impressed. It's not at all hard to believe that this guy was STG. 

With the Vorcha out of our way, we proceed up a ramp that may have been an interior wall at some point. At the top, there are more Blood Pack waiting for us; this round includes a Krogan with the pack of Vorcha. None of the enemies we've faced here so far is particularly hard to take down, but every enemy requires a completely different approach than the last. I've used all my guns at least once today, switching out for what's most effective in the moment. My biotics and Garrus's tech skills are universally helpful, though. 

We continue on, using rubble for cover. More Varren and Krogan stand in our way, and then once we get through the ramp back down, closer to the hospital, we're blessed by a squad of Vorcha with flamethrowers. "Who the hell gives Vorcha flamethrowers?" I demand, firing on them with my assault rifle from a distance. "That's like giving a bomb it's own trigger to pull." 

Garrus laughs but takes out the one I was shooting at with his rifle from even more distance. He then does the same with the remaining Vorcha. Show off. 

On our final push inside, we get an idea of what the Chief Scout meant when he said Krogan hospitals were defensible. The courtyard before the doors is full of Blood Pack, and they have access to better cover than we do. It's a tough fight across, but we make it happen working as a unit. 

The moment they're all gone, Garrus turns away from me and goes into a pile of rubble. He comes back out with something I can't recognize but that makes him smile. A show off and a dork. God, I love him. 

We move through the building's unlocked doors and inside the hospital, finding it just as destroyed as everywhere else on Tuchanka. The idea of this as a hospital, ever, is disturbing. Especially with children needing medical care on this planet. 

"Repurposed Krogan hospital," Mordin muses, looking around. "Sturdy. Build to withstand punishment." He sounds impressed. I don't know how to deal with that. 

The only way forward is down a flight of stairs. On a landing halfway down, we find a dead body. It surprises me that it's human. 

"That body. Need to take a look." 

"Okay. Garrus, can you give cover?"

"Aye, Commander." He moves to do so immediately, angling so that he'll spot anyone coming up or down the stairs, though most of his focus is down to watch who might be coming from further in the hospital. 

Mordin kneels next to the dead human and pulls up a hologram of the human's skeleton while scanning it. "Sores, tumors, ligatures showing restraint at wrists and ankles. Track marks for repeated injection sites. Test subject. Victim of experimentation." 

Well, that's disturbing as fuck. 

"Why would they use humans if they're trying to cure the genophage?"

"Humans useful as test subject," Mordin tells us. "Disgusting, unethical, sloppy. Used by brute force researchers, not thinkers. No place in proper science. Krogan's use of humans unsurprising." 

I have to bite my tongue hearing someone who participated in a genophage call other research unethical. This doesn't seem like the place to get into with Mordin about all that, but I feel like it's inevitable that we'll have it out someday. 

"I imagine you had to do some live subject testing while developing the new genophage," I note. 

"No. Unnecessary," he argues. "Limited tests to simulations, corpses, cloned tissue samples. High level tests on Varren. No tests on species with members capable of calculus. Simple rules, never broken." 

"Whether or not humans are generally capable of calculus is up for debate," Garrus quips. I shoot him a look but Mordin chuckles softly. 

"How are humans more useful as subjects, Mordin?" I ask him. 

He continues to talk and deal with my questions while pulling up charts and scans I can't understand. "More variable. Peaks and valleys, mutations, adaptations. Far beyond other life. Makes humans useful test subjects. Larger reactions to small stimuli." 

"Well...I know we can look pretty different from each other, but Asari have a wide range of skin tones. Turians, too; Garrus's sister has much lighter colored plates. And Garrus is bigger than average." He turns to smirk at me, and I quickly correct, "Taller! I mean, taller than average." 

"Correct on all counts, baby," he quips. 

Mordin continues like he heard nothing and my cheeks aren't red. "No, ignore superficial appearance. Down to genetic code. Biotic abilities, intelligence levels. Can look at random Asari, Krogan, make reasonable guess. Humans too variable to judge. Outliers in all species, of course. But human probability curve offers greater overall variety." 

"But for the genophage, wouldn't something native to Tuchanka work better than a human?" Garrus asks. "Varren, maybe?"

"Yes. Human experiments strictly high-level, concept testing. Native Tuchanka fauna likely used later in development stages. Wise to delay use of Varren until necessary. Powerful bite." 

Urz walks in a circle and then lays down, certainly not proving Mordin's point. He does make Garrus smile at him, though. That's good progress. 

"So, what can you tell about their experiments from looking at the body?"

Mordin sighs. "Position of tumors suggests deliberate mutation of adrenal, pineal glands. Modifying hormone levels. Counterattack on glands hit by genophage. Clever." 

"Wait, do you think they're close to curing the genophage?" I realize that I sound excited about that, but I can't help it. And Mordin doesn't react. 

"Can't say. Need more data." He nods. "Conceptually sound, though. Genophage alters hormone levels. Could repair damage with hormonal counterattack." 

I take a deep breath, considering things. If I let this go on, the genophage could be cured and the Krogan could get back to the lives they deserve. The universe could move on from this shameful scar on all of us. But if I let this go on, the torture continues. 

I turn to Garrus and find him already watching me. I want his input, always, before I make any big decisions. I trust him more than anyone. 

"Regardless of the outcome, you don't want to let these methods continue," he notes, sympathy in his eyes. He's spoken against the genophage in the past, so I know this is tough for him, too. This will be the second time we've gotten in the way of a potential cure for the genophage...but he's right. 

"Okay. We're stopping this." 

Mordin stands, closing down on all the data on his 'Tool. "Focus on Maelon. Too late to help the dead." 

We continue the rest of the way down the stairs and through the doors around the corner. It leads into a room with a high ceiling and equipment that reminds me of hospital maintenance. On the other side of the room is a door on a platform that we need stairs to access. The doors open, and three Krogan march in. 

"I am the speaker for Clan Weyrloc, offworlders," one of them announces. "You have spilled out blood. By rights, you should be dead already. But Weyrloc Guld, the Chief of Chiefs, has ordered that you be given leave to flee and spread the message of our coming." 

Oh, I don't like this guy at all. He and his Chief of Chiefs can blow me. 

"If I flee, I might trip over the dozen Krogan I killed to get here," I inform him, cocking my hip and crossing my arms over my chest. "I think I'll take my chances." 

"You killed our youngest and weakest, human," he snaps. "They were not worthy of remaining near our glorious work. Inside, you will find only hardened Blood Pack veterans, tempered by savagery and war and dedicated to one goal." 

The guy is all but screaming now; I learned early in N7 training that screaming is not how you teach or get people to understand things. Someone needs to teach this guy a lesson. 

"The Salarian will cure the genophage, and Clan Weyrloc will spread across the galaxy in a sea of blood!" he cheers. 

"Appears they discovered Maelon's work," Mordin mutters over my shoulder. "Unfortunate." 

I want a fight. I want to piss this guy off until he does something stupid and I have an excuse to shoot him in the face. But I also want the genophage cured, and I don't want Maelon killed because I got reckless. 

"It doesn't have to end like this," I tell the Krogan. "I can understand wanting to cure the genophage but - "

"No, human!" he screams. "You understand nothing! You have not seen the pile of children that never lived! The Krogan were wronged. We will make it right, and then we will have our revenge." 

I realized that would be his first response, but I have to make the effort. "Why not try diplomacy? Half the galaxy sees the Krogan as victims! If you start a war, you'll lose their support." 

He laughs, the sound harsh and humorless. "We have the Blood Pack, and we have the Salarian! When our clan numbers in the millions, we will not need support. When we cure the genophage, Weyrloc Guld will rule all Krogan. The Krogan Rebellions will become the Krogan Empire!" 

Okay, now I'm done. They're not destroying what Wrex has built. 

"You talk too much." I fire a shot at the pipe that runs right under the platform. Steam escapes with a hiss. 

Now the Krogan's laugh is full of humor. "See? The human cannot hit a simple target." 

I fire one more shot, and this one hits its target, too. The steam erupts in flames and immediately covers the Clanspeaker. He screams and flails, his buddies so disturbed and surprised that they don't do anything for a moment. And that moment is enough for Garrus to start taking shots. The professor catches on, and all three of them go down in seconds. 

A swarm of Blood Pack Krogan and Vorcha burst into the room, firing heavily and taking the higher ground on the platform. We get into cover and hunker down. A few well-placed grenades gets the Pack off the platform and moving back down toward us. It levels the flight and then it's not much longer before we've wiped them all out. 

We step over several bodies on the steps up to the platform and then go through the doors into a hall where another door waits for us. "Labs likely through there," Mordin tells u. "Can smell antiseptic, hint of dead flesh." 

"God! I used to think I'd want super senses like your species have, but considering all the disgusting places we go, I'm really grateful I can only smell what's obvious." 

"Yeah, I still think about the odor in that Collector ship." Garrus shudders from head to toe like just the thought of the smell still grosses him out. 

"Human food on ship," Mordin chimes in, his voice low and disturbed. "Often...putrid." 

"Oh, yeah. Pickles." Garrus shudders at that, too. 

"The one that pops, easily burnt. Smells for days." 

"Coffee when they burn that, too. Horrible for like a week." 

"Onions." 

"Mushrooms." 

They look at each other and both of them say, "Cabbage," with twin grimaces. 

So much for super senses; it seems much more like a curse. Even if I do think these two are hilarious and I sort of want to find out what other foods can make big, tough aliens shudder and grimace like they're in pain. 

We head through the doors and into a room with massive holes in the ceiling and pieces of the walls missing, sand blowing in from outside. We have to climb up a concrete barrier because there is no normal, intact way across the room with all the destruction.   
On the other end of the room, we find an unharmed console. 

"Active console. May contain useful data." 

Garrus moves to hack it because he's used to being that guy in the field, but Mordin doesn't need him. He walks up to the console and handles the hack, no problem. Doesn't even blink. 

"Damn, Mordin. I forget you were STG," Garrus admits, mirroring my thoughts from earlier. "Won't happen again, Professor." 

"Not a problem," Mordin says, waving that off. He's reading the data he's found, leaning in like he has to be closer to take it all in. "Genetic sequences. Hormone mutagens still steady. Protein chains, live tissue, cloned tissue. Very thorough. Standard treatment vectors. Avoiding scored earth immunosuppressants to alter hormone levels. good. Hate to see that." 

"Most people wouldn't be so casual about developing a sterility plague, Mordin," I note. I can only bite my tongue so hard and for so long, especially when the lives of thousands of Krogan babies are at risk. 

"Not developing. Modifying." I hate that I can just about believe he thinks that makes a difference. "Working within confines of existing genophage. A hundred times the complexity. Errors unacceptable. Could cause total sterility, malignant tumors. Could even reduce effectiveness. Worse than doing nothing. Had to keep Krogan population stable. One in one thousand. Perfect target, optimal growth. Like gardening." 

It's like a smack in the face. Mordin has done so much for us, is still doing so much, that I feel weird about challenging him. But I can't ignore my own ethics. Especially not when I'm hoping the universe will see fit to make us parents someday soon. 

"Pretty it up however you like, Mordin. You're talking about murdering millions." 

Mordin whirls around and lifts a finger to point at me. "No! Murdered no one. Altered fertility, prevented fetal development of nervous system. Have killed many, Shepard. Many methods. Gunfire, knives, drugs, tech attacks, one with farming equipment. But not with medicine." 

I so badly want to ask about that farming equipment thing...but not now.

"You're saying you were working just as hard to keep their population from falling?" Garrus asks. 

"Yes!" he insists. "Could have eradicated Krogan. Not difficult. Increased mutation to degrade genetic structure further. Chose not to. Rachni extinction tragic. Didn't want to repeat. All life precious. Universe demands diversity." He motions between us. "Your offspring. Adding diversity! Important work!" 

One glance at each other, and I know Garrus agrees that right now we shouldn't tell Mordin the Rachni are very much not extinct. That's not really the point now anyway.

"Mordin, I don't see how you can agree with using the genophage." I motion around us, at all the destruction and the hell that is Tuchanka. "Look at what happened here as a result!" 

Mordin is shaking his head before I'm even done talking. "State of Tuchanka not due to genophage. Nuclear winter caused by Krogan before Salarians made first contact. Krogan choices. Refuse truce during Krogan Rebellions. Expand after Rachni Wars. Splinter after genophage." 

He starts pacing, still shaking his head. I don't know if that's because he wants to shake me, or because he's starting to have second thoughts about all this and doesn't much like it. 

"Genophage medical, not nuclear. No craters from virus. Damage caused by Krogans, not Salarians. Not me." 

"No, the effects of the genophage on Tuchanka are still your responsibility. You upgraded the virus that kept them in barbarism." 

"Krogan committed war crimes. Refused to negotiate. Turian defeat not complete. Krogan could have recovered, attacked again. Conventional war too risky. Krogan forces too strong." He puts up his hands and shakes his head again. "Krogan forced genophage. Us or them. No apologies for winning. Wouldn't have minded peaceful solution." 

I frown at him, not so sure I believe that. "So if the Krogan banded together and formed a united government...you'd welcome that?"

"Yes! United Krogan saved galaxy, destroyed Rachni." He takes a breath and gentles a little. "Genophage not punishment. Simply alters fertility to correct for removal from hostile environment." 

"Okay. So what about what Wrex is doing? He's uniting the Krogan as one clan, focusing on something other than war." I shrug to try and seem casual, although considering the rest of this conversation, that seems impossible to fake. "When will you decide that's enough and reverse the genophage?"

Mordin gapes at me, his mouth opening and closing slowly a few times. Finally, he shakes his head and snaps out of it. "Genophage created based on simulations confirming outcoming of Krogan population growth. Impossible to do same simulations. Krogan union too unlikely." 

"So you'd agree to reverse the genophage if the Krogan could unite but you'll refuse to acknowledge that possibility and so never reverse the genophage." I give him a look, and Mordin looks down, finally showing something other than complete confidence. But I don't want him to be ashamed either. Not really. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Mordin. It's just - " 

"No. No apology necessary," he assures me, offering a little smile. "Important to ask hard questions. Important to have strong morals. Admire you for it, Commander." 

"Well...thank you, Mordin." 

He turns back to the console and starts to download all the data from it. Garrus does another check of our perimeter and asks, "Hey, what was it like working on the genophage modification project?"

"Best years of my life," Mordin answers with a wistful sigh. "Wake up with idea. Talk over breakfast. Experiments all morning. Statistical analysis in afternoon. Run new simulations during dinner, set data runs to cook overnight. Laughter. Ego. Argument. Passion. Galaxy's biggest problem, massive resources thrown at us. Got anything we wanted." 

"You got laid a whole bunch, didn't you, Professor?" Garrus teases with a grin. 

Mordin laughs and shakes his head. "Salarians not known for strong sexual urges. But...yes."

My jaw almost hits the floor, not used to Mordin being so open about his personal life. Or being so funny about sex. Garrus swears that the guy tells raunchy stories during poker games but I didn't believe him until this moment. And now I like Mordin even more. 

"Do you keep in touch with your team members?" I ask. 

He sobers a little. "No. All charged with deployment. Made test drop on isolated Krogan clan. Hit rest of Tuchanka when results were positive. End of project. Separate ways. Watching it end, watching birth rates drop. Personal. Private. Not appropriate for team." 

And this is the first time I've heard Mordin seem to give genuine consideration to the negative implications of what they did. He's always sounded so sure that the genophage was the right decision, made it sound like only statistics and simulations mattered when it came down to pulling the trigger. I don't like knowing that he suffered for it, I'm not a sadist, but it's important to me that there was an emotional recognition about all of this. It helps. 

"Sounds like you were pretty important," Garrus notes, still keeping an eye out for any Blood Pack as Mordin wraps up his download. "How'd you go from that to running a clinic on Omega?"

"Wanted to heal people," he answers earnestly. "Good use of last decade. Something easy. No ethical concerns. Understand rationale for modified genophage. Right choice. Still hard to sleep some nights." 

I pat Mordin's shoulder. "I know what choices like that are like, but not nearly on the same scale. I don't envy you, and I respect you for giving it consideration." Mordin gives me a little nod, and I take a breath. "Okay. We're not gonna find Maelon staring at consoles. Come on." 

We move into the next room, all of us ready to move on, only to be immediately greeted by a dead Krogan on an exam table. It's horrible and heartbreaking, especially knowing that this is all because someone is trying to correct a horrible wrong. They're just going about it so badly. 

Mordin inhales deeply, like he needs to prepare himself, and then walks toward the table. He grabs a datapad sitting beside the body. "Dead Krogan. Female. Tumors indicate experimentation. No restraint marks. Volunteer." He walks around the table slowly, his voice softer than usual. "Sterile Weyrloc female willing to risk procedures. Hoped for choice. Pointless. Pointless waste of life." 

"Mordin." I take a breath to calm down. I really don't want to hurt or attack him. "Of course she was willing to risk it. This was a predictable outcome. To now be disturbed by the results of it..." 

"Never experimented on live Krogan," he snaps. "Never killed with medicine. Her death not my work, only reaction to it. Goal was to stabilize population. Never wanted this. Can see it logically...but still unnecessary. Foolish waste of life. Hate to see it." 

"We agree there. But this being a result of your work makes it your responsibility." 

He looks at me for a long moment before looking back down at the Krogan. Mordin closes his eyes and breathes deeply. "Rest, young mother. Find your gods. Find someplace better." 

"I didn't expect spirituality from you, Mordin," Garrus notes. He's watching both sides of the room again, and he pats my shoulder as he passes me. I know it's an acknowledgment of support, and right now, I needed it. 

"Genophage modification project altered millions of lives. Then saw results. Ego, humility, juxtaposition. Frailty of life. Size of universe. Explored religions after work completed. Different races. Many questions. No answers." 

"Crisis of faith?"

He nods. "Modified genophage project great in scope. Scientifically brilliant. But ethically difficult. Krogan reaction visceral, tragic. Not guilty but...responsible." He looks up at me from the table. "Train as doctor. Genophage affects fertility. Doesn't kill. Still caused this. Hard to see big picture behind pile of corpses." 

"Can you really just rationalize it all away? How do you justify it?" I ask him. I've been responsible for deaths in the past, a lot of them. I can even feel the weight of every human death at the hands of the Collectors in the past two years on my shoulders because I wasn't there to stop it. Maybe a way to rationalize it would ease some of that burden. 

"Wheel of life. Popular Salarian concept. Similar to human Hinduism in focus on reincarnation. Appealing to see life as endless. Fix mistakes in next life. Learn, adapt, improve." He motions to the dead Krogan woman. "Refuse to believe life ends here. Too wasteful. Have more to offer. Mistakes to fix. Cannot end here. Could do so much more." 

"Like undo the genophage?" 

Mordin doesn't look at me, doesn't answer me this time. I don't blame him, and I'm happy to move on. 

"Anything useful on the body?"

"Minimal insight into experiments," he answers, scrolling through the datapad. "Risk cancer, aiming for benign mutation. Krogan researchers ruthless. Risking own clan's woman for new data. Disgusting. Shortsighted. Wrong." 

"Losing their babies made the Krogan desperate," Garrus notes. I appreciate him chiming in here. 

"Had to be done," he presses, though he doesn't raise his voice anymore. "Rachni Wars, Krogan Rebellions all pointed to Krogan aggression. So many simulations. Effects of Krogan population increase. All pointed to war. Extinction. Genophage or genocide. Save galaxy from Krogan. Save Krogan from galaxy." 

"You were willing to sterilize a species based on the evidence of a few simulations?" I demand. I hate that we're still doing this. I didn't expect to convince him necessarily, but to hear him defend this so logically still...

"Millions of data points," he counters. "Years of argument. Countless scenarios. All noted Krogan fragmentation as dangerous. No unified culture to support repopulation. Would have been war! Turians destroying Krogan utterly. Genophage was better," he insists. "Saved lives."

"You could have cured the genophage instead! Brought hope to the Krogans. They'd have rejoiced."

He shakes his head. "Assumes human reaction. Krogan stimulus response different. Harsh environment, take chance to fight, flee. Would have caused chaos on Tuchanka. Victor would have war economy, bloodthirsty army. Galactic expansion only logical outcome. More war. Genophage saved lives war would have ended." 

"Okay, Mordin, you've seen some of my medical records now because you're helping us so much." He nods and looks at me like he knows where this is going and doesn't like it. Garrus knows too, and I can feel him watch me closely. "I know what it's like to have sterility forced on you. I can understand exactly why this woman volunteered for these experiments. I would have been damn tempted if the offer came up." 

"Shit, Shepard," Garrus murmurs from the side of the room. I didn't mean to hurt him, but someone had to get real with Mordin. 

"Look at the dead woman, Mordin," I urge, stepping closer. "She was in so much pain that she volunteered to be tortured. It doesn't look like you saved her." 

"No, it doesn't," he breathes. 

He continues to watch the dead Krogan and murmur to himself. I give him a moment and cut across the room to Garrus. I need him right now, and he knows it, opening his arms to me. "You're the bravest person I know," he whispers into my ear, holding my head against his shoulder. 

"I feel more like a bitch than brave right now," I admit, closing my eyes to block out Tuchanka for a moment. 

"You're not a bitch for standing up for what's right. I mean...not that you're a bitch for other reasons. Unless Miranda is in the room, then sometimes you're a bitch but I applaud that, too." 

I laugh and stretch up on my toes to give him a kiss on the throat, both to thank him for making me laugh and just because I'm crazy about it. The laugh is stifled, though. It's hard to feel any humor in a place like this. 

Garrus's mouth pressing the top of my head helps, and I take another moment to be held before we need to move on. Mordin seems much more somber now but he's pulled himself together too and nods to me before we leave this room. In the hall, there's a pathway to our left or a closed door to the right. The door is unlocked, so we go through it. 

Inside, there's a Krogan sitting on the ground next to the body of another Krogan. The alive one doesn't seem well, especially since he doesn't move. 

"You killed the Blood Pack guards?" he asks, looking up at us. 

"He's not Pack," Garrus tells me. "And not Weyrloc. Wrong clan markings." 

"I'm Urdnot scout," the Krogan says. "Weyrloc guards got me. Brought me here." 

I nod. "We were looking for you; the chief scout thought you'd been taken. We took our their guards. Get back to Urdnot." 

"I can't. The Weyrloc did things to me. Drugs. Injections. Said I was sacrificing for the good of all Krogan. Experiments to cure the genophage. Everything's blurry. Hard to think. Have to stay." 

"Well that's not an option," I tell him. "Mordin, can you get him back on his feet? Stims maybe? Something to bolster his immune system?"

The Krogan shakes his head. "You don't understand. I'm not too sick to leave; I have to stay. They're curing the genophage. They're going to make it all better. They have to keep doing the tests." 

Mordin sighs, and I try not to give him any sort of 'I told you so' message. That would make me a bitch. "Caution, Shepard. Patient unstable, susceptible. Brainwashed." 

"Why do you want them to keep doing the tests?" I ask, ignoring Mordin. We don't need to be suspicious of the guy, we need to help him. 

"This is my fault," the scout says, dropping his head. "I got caught. Wasn't strong enough, not good enough. This is the best thing I can do. This is all I can do. I'm not big enough to have a real shot with the females, I'll never have kids of my own. But if I help undo the genophage, then I mattered." 

I approach the Krogan and kneel in front of him. "Millions of children will be born. Weyrloc children. They're going to destroy other clans." 

"But...no. No, they said I was helping Urdnot."

"If you want to help Urdnot, you need to get back there," Garrus tells him, voice hard. "But it would take a real badass to make it back to camp while injured." 

"I can do it!" the Krogan says. 

"You?" Garrus scoffs and I want to stop him, but he's clearly got a mission here. "I said a badass, not some scout whining like a Quarian with a tummy ache." 

The Krogan growls at him. "I can do it!" He gets himself to his feel, obviously achy and unsteady, but he gets up. I get to my feet and get out of his way. "I'm up! And I'm going to the female camp!" 

"Damn right you are!" I tell him. "Get back there and show them what you're worth. Go, go!" 

The Krogan scout roars and runs out of the room, even though he's limping. He'll be just fine. So long as the women don't shred him. 

"Nicely done," Mordin says, nodding at Garrus and me. "Fortunately, subject is unlikely to be contagious." 

We move on, down the hall and to another door. EDI comes over our comms before can pass through the doors. "Shepard, I'm detecting crates ahead that are holding unstable materials. A misplaced shot could cause a significant explosion." 

"Or a well placed shot," Garrus counters with that dangerous grin I like so much. 

The doors open, and I spot one of the crates that EDI is talking about on the far side of the room with two Vorcha standing right in front of it. "You were saying, big guy?"

He flashes me another grin and then whips out his rifle, hitting the crate perfectly. It blows, and takes out both Vorcha at once. We then rush into the room and behind cover, all of us firing and getting fired at. The room is a destroyed structure, a series of platforms on the upper level of the building. We take out the Krogan, clear the area, and push through without a major problem. 

Before we can get off the final platform, four Varren show up with a Krogan. One of them is particularly fast and makes a dive for me. There's a split second where I don't think I can stop the beast, but Urz takes it down inches from me. He makes short work of the thing, too. 

When we're clear, I give Urz a pat and plenty of praise. Garrus kneels in front of Urz and they stare at each other for a long moment before he pats Urz on the head. "You earned your place, you slobbery mutt." 

Urz leaps forward in an effort to lick Garrus and almost gets him, but Garrus dodges at the last moment and shoves the Varren away. He scowls when I can't help but laugh. "I think you're more of a cat person, Vakarian," I tease him. 

"I think I need to figure out what a cat is and decide if you just insulted me," Garrus retorts, still scowling at me but I can tell it's taking real effort. 

"Definitely a cat person," Mordin chimes in, walking past us. I laugh and follow him. Garrus pauses for a moment, decidedly confused. He manages to catch up though. And I'll show him cats later.

We move down into the lower level of the area and get into another fight with more Krogan and Vorcha. Chief Guld even shows up for this fight, spending the whole time screaming at us about being offworld scum. He's a massive Krogan with a robust barrier and a lot of heavy armor. We have to work hard to take him down while dealing with all the others, but we make it happen. So much for Guld being some untouchable hero. 

Once the area is cleared, we cross the platform and press through the doors the Krogan were coming out of. The path leads us around the building and down several levels. Through one more door and we find a Salarian alone in the best kept room we've seen yet. He's standing in front of a massive console with data spanning all the way to the ceiling. 

"Maelon!" Mordin breathes. "Alive. Unharmed." He leads us into the room, Maelon not turning around or acknowledging us even with our heavy boots echoing off the walls around us. We stop with Mordin a few feet away, the Salarian finally seeing what I've already figured out: Maelon does not need to be rescued. "No signs of restraint. No evidence of torture. Don't understand." 

"For such a smart man, Professor, you always had trouble seeing evidence that disagreed with your preconceptions." He turns to face us, sneering at Mordin as much as I've ever seen a Salarian sneer. "How long will it take you to admit that I'm here because I wish to be here?"

"He wasn't kidnapped," I note. "He came here voluntarily to cure the genophage." 

Maelon nods but Mordin shouts, "Impossible! Whole team agreed! Project necessary!" 

"How was I supposed to disagree with the great Doctor Solus?" Maelon demands. "I was your student! I looked up to you!" 

"Experiments performed here. Live subjects! Prisoners! Torture and executions. Your doing?"

Maelon throws up his hands. "We've already got the blood of millions on our hands, Doctor. If it takes a bit more to put things right, I can deal with that." 

"Why work with Clan Weyrloc?" I ask him. "And how did you access the genophage data?"

"Data was easy to obtain," he tells us. "We all still have clearance. We were heroes. All I had to do was ask. As for the Weyrloc, they were the only clan with both the resources and the commitment." 

"Urdnot has a larger camp than Weyrloc," Garrus notes. "Why not use them?"

"Urdnot Wrex is too soft," Maelon scoffs. "He wasn't willing to do the experiments I needed. It's Urdnot's loss and Weyrloc's gain. Their clan will be the first to recover from the crime we committed." 

"Do you honestly think the experiments you did here are justified?" I find that hard to believe considering the dead and tortured Krogan. They may have volunteered but a scientist should have been able to draw the line. 

"We committed cultural genocide!" Maelon just about screams. "Nothing I do will ever be justified. The experiments are monstrous..." He steps closer to Mordin and snarls. "Because I was taught to be a monster." 

Garrus steps forward, protective as always, but doesn't say a word. I need to know more, though. "Taught by Mordin? Mordin, did you ever perform experiments like this?" 

"No," Mordin answers firmly, his voice low and severe compared to Maelon's passionate shouting. "Never taught you this, Maelon." 

Maelon only escalates. "So your hands are clean! What does it matter if the ground is stained with the blood of millions! You taught me that the end justified the means. I will undo what we did, Professor. The only way I know how." 

"Genophage not lethal!" Mordin objects. 

"Krogan fight over fertile females. They become mercenaries or pirates because they see no alternative. They would be thriving in a cultural renaissance now had we not decided that this is what they deserved." 

Mordin shakes his head and waves that off like it's ridiculous. "Inaccurate. Krogan population resulted in war. Simulations were clear." 

"What would happen if the genophage is cured and the Krogan expand again?" Garrus asks. "That will be on your head. Are you okay with that?"

I watch Maelon when he answers, trying to figure out if he's just deflecting or if he's for real. I can see nothing but completely genuine emotion. 

"We justified this atrocity by saying the Krogan would cause havoc and war if their population recovered. But look at the galaxy!" he urges, waving around him. "Batarian attacks in the Traverse, Geth attacks on the Citadel. Is this a more peaceful universe? The assault on Eden Prime might never have happened if we had let the Krogan recover. We'll never know." 

"Okay, I'm as against the genophage as you are, but how would a Krogan population explosion have done anything to stop Saren and the get?"

Maelon gives me a patient look. "An increased Krogan population would have forced the Council to take steps, likely involving colony rights in the Traverse. The Turian fleets would have been vigilant for any military activity in the area. They might have stopped the Geth at Eden Prime." 

"Supposition. Impossible to be certain," Mordin snaps. 

"Don't you see?" Maelon demands, stepping closer to Mordin like he wants to shake him. Part of me thinks I should let him. "We tried to play god and we failed. We only made things worse! And I'm going to fix it." 

And we're at a stalemate. Maelon and Mordin are both convinced that they're right, and they both are in a way. Maelon is right; the genophage was an atrocity and something has to be done to reverse it. But Mordin is right that Maelon is torturing people here and he needs to be stopped. I don't blame the Krogan for being desperate and I can understand how Maelon ended up where he did. But this cannot be allowed to go on. 

This was Mordin's assistant, his mission. I'll give him the final say. And I'll hope he makes the right call all around. 

"What now, Mordin?" I ask. "Maelon clearly doesn't need rescuing. What do you want to do?"

He pauses for a moment and then says, very solemnly, "Have to end this." 

"You can't face the truth, can you?" Maelon screams. He pulls the pistol off his hip and turns to aim it at each of us frantically. 

Garrus is in front of me in a flash, stepping between me and a potential bullet without hesitation. And without shields. I'm gonna make him pay for that later. For now, we need to focus on Maelon. 

"You can't admit that your brilliant mind led you to commit an atrocity!" he screams in Mordin's face. 

I'm just about to intervene when Mordin reminds me that I don't need to; he punches Maelon right into the face and then throws him back into the console. He disarms Maelon and turns the pistol on him quickly. Damn. 

"Unacceptable experiments," Mordin practically growls. "Unacceptable goals. "Won't change. No choice. Have to kill you." 

I expected Mordin to just end the experiments, not a life. "Wait!" Mordin stops, finger on the trigger. "You don't need to do this, Mordin. You're not a murderer." 

For a long moment, Mordin doesn't move and I'm not sure what to expect. Finally, he breathes, "No. Not a murderer." He steps back and releases Maelon. "Thank you, Shepard. Finished, Maelon. No Weyrloc left. Project over. Get out." 

"Aren't you worried that he'll start his research again?" I ask. 

"No. Locking this unit. Special Tasks Group can cut access to old data. Could start from scratch. Decades of work, though." He smirks at Maelon and adds, "Didn't teach you everything I know." 

"What if he talks to more Krogan, tells the public about the modified genophage project?" Garrus asks. 

Mordin shakes his head. "Special Tasks Groups good at covering tracks. No proof. Weyrloc willingness to work with Salarian unusual. Other Krogan will kill him." 

"You heard the professor," I snap at Maelon. "Get out before he changes his mind."

I expected him to haul ass after having a gun in his face, but Maelon hesitates. "Where am I supposed to go, Professor?"

"Don't care," Mordin answers, turning his back to Maelon. Ouch. "Try Omega. Can always use another clinic." 

"The Krogan didn't deserve what we did to them, Professor," Maelon says, one last effort. "The genophage needs to end." And then he walks away, leaving the room while Mordin walks to the console. 

"Not like this," Mordin murmurs, answering Maelon after he's gone. He takes a deep breath and resets his shoulders. "Apologies, Commander. Misunderstood mission parameters. No kidnapping. My mistake. Thank you." 

"Don't worry about me, Mordin. How are you holding up?"

"Should have killed him. Wanted to. Easier than listening. Easier for him, too. Experiments indicate how far he's fallen. Expected it from Krogan. Not one of mine." 

I step up beside him and pat his shoulder. "Maybe you'll remember that the next time you're discussing the ethics of the genophage?"

"Yes," he answers confidently, honestly. "So many variables. Stress responses. Impossible to truly predict. Something to think about." He looks up at the data running on the console. "Maelon's research. Only loose end. Could destroy it. Closure, security. Still valuable, though." 

"As much as I want a cure, this is the research that included tests on living victims. Isn't it tainted?" 

"Right now, victims died for nothing. Keep it, use it, deaths worth something." He looks at me. "Maelon's work could cure genophage. Don't know. Effect on Krogan. Effects on galaxy. Too many variables. Too many variables!" 

"Keep the data," I advise him. "If we find out we can use it to help the Krogan, it's for the best." 

He nods. "Point taken, Shepard. Capturing data, wiping local copy. Still years away from cure. But closer than starting from scratch." He turns away from the console again, facing me and Garrus. "Done. Ready to go. Ready to be off Tuchanka. Anywhere else. Maybe somewhere sunny." 

We let Mordin lead us out and back to the truck, and then back to Urdnot. I let Mordin get right back to the Normandy, and Grunt comes to meet us. Garrus pulls him away to get more time on the Grid Defense System, but I'm not left alone since Wrex is available now. 

"I'm taking in the surviving members of Clan Weyrloc," he tells me. "Mostly women and children, but they'll be safe from the Blood Pack and welcome here as Urdnot." 

"You're a good man, Wrex," I tell him earnestly, patting his shoulder. "I'm really proud to have had you on my team. And you know there's always a place on the Normandy for you." 

He laughs. "I wouldn't curse you with two Krogan onboard." 

A crowd is forming around Garrus and Grunt at the Grid Defense System. Actually...just around Garrus. It makes me nervous at first until I realize it's because the Krogan are forming a line to compete with him, and Garrus is taking them all down. God, the man loves an excuse to show off. So cocky. So damn sexy. 

"You and Ugly finally made things official, hmm? Good for you. Better for him." 

I laugh and elbow Wrex playfully in the side. He can joke all he wants, but I'm definitely getting the better end of the deal. 

Wrex takes me back to his dias and we share a drink - not Ryncol - to celebrate my rebirth and his leadership. We make small talk about the old days sitting among the rubble, both of us in need of the excuse to relax, with Urz sleeping at my feet until Garrus and Grunt come back. 

"There's gonna be bitching around here for weeks about a Turian beating Krogan in anything," Wrex drawls. "But they'll kill more pyjak to get better in case you come back, so good for you and thanks for lighting a fire under their asses." 

Garrus laughs and comes behind me, sitting down on the rubble with his legs on either side of my hips. In our armor, it's a little clunky. But it also means even more than usual. Even on a mission, even in our armor, he's trying to get close to me. And it's a relief not to need or want to stop him.

"The Chief Scout checked in, and he threw us some bonus credits," Garrus tells me. "And we gave the combustion manifold to the mechanic. He had a, uh...different sort of reward, though." 

I turn my head to frown up at him, but Garrus just laughs and eyes Grunt. The Krogan flashes a grin at me. "He gave me a special edition Fornax." 

"Oh, for fuck's sake," I laugh, dropping my head on Garrus's shoulder. "Wait, you found the...thingy. How come you didn't get the reward?"

"Well, he offered it to me, but I already have that edition." Wrex and Grunt explode in laughter loud enough to draw attention, and I tug Garrus's fringe as a playful punishment. He laughs and nips my throat, the kiss an apology and a promise. I can tell he's anxious to get out of here and collect his other reward. 

"You ready to get back home, Grunt?" I don't want to rush the guy on the day he joined his clan officially. 

"Yes," he answers standing. "But I'd like to meet Fortak first." 

"Fortak, the guy who made your gun?" Grunt nods and I know Garrus won't object so I agree. Wrex has to get back to work, so we pause to say our goodbyes. 

Garrus hugs him, and I know Wrex whispers something into Garrus's ear, but I can't hear it and Garrus manages to school his features so I can't even judge by his response. Neither of them looks at me when they part, though, so I know immediately that it was about me. 

I care less when Wrex turns and open his arms to me. I wrap my arms around as much of him as possible, and Wrex engulfs me. "You stay alive this time, Shepard, you hear?"

"Will do," I promise. We part and he pats me on the back so hard I almost fall, but Garrus catches me so I don't much care. It's not easy to leave Wrex behind, but he has important work to do here. I would never pull him away from this place while it still needs him so badly. 

Wrex looks sad about it, too, but he lets us go like any leader would. I'm incredibly proud of who he's become from the almost unhinged merc who shot Fist in the face when he was unarmed. If I have to say goodbye to my teammates after they come into their own, it's worth it. 

Garrus can tell I'm struggling with it because of course he can, and he holds me under his arm while we head back through camp. I don't mind being babied a little right now. 

Grunt leads us past the mechanic area and into a tent that looks like a makeship Med Bay. There are a few Krogan and Varren getting care in various stages on tables. A Krogan is standing at a console at the other end of the tent, and Grunt points him out as Fortak. He also then hesitates, which is just adorable, so I lead the way over there. 

"As I understand it, Clan Urdnot has a new member," Fortak says without looking. He pauses his work and turns to us. "So, you're our new warrior. The shaman gave you the customary upgrades, I assume. He's fast to pass off my work as his reward. Use them well. The lord high researcher for Clan Urdnot has no time to make replacement." He motions to another console and says, "But perhaps I can offer a discount." 

"You have an impressive title. I take it you're a scientist?" I ask. 

"I used to be a scientist," he grumbles, almost petulant. "I designed weapons. Now my genius is wasted on frivolous things. Things that don't explode. My predecessor said no one would understand the true worth of my work. As I pulled my blade from his chest, I knew he was telling the truth." 

"You killed your predecessor?" Garrus makes a soft noise. "Not exactly what I would call effective academic peer review." 

Fortak just growls at him. "I don't care what you'd call it. We value the will to use what we create, not the ability to create it. We don't count success until the ground shakes in response." 

Okay, so I don't love this guy. "You must be working on something important," I say, trying to be nice for now and for Grunt's sake. 

"I was building the best offensive ordnance yet. A real ground pounder! But the new clan leader wastes my time with frivolous research. Crop genetics, medicinal improvements. We can buy that stuff from the Salarians!" 

Grunt scoffs at that. "The Salarians created the genophage, and you would trust them with our food and medicine?"

"Yeah," he answers with a shrug. "What else can the Salarians do to us at this point? It's not like they can make us even more infertile." 

I glance at Garrus and he quirks his brow at me. 

Fortak notices and immediately says, "Actually, wait. Forget I said anything."

"Sounds like the new clan leader has some very different ideas on how to lead the Krogan," I note. Now I'm fishing. I don't know if Wrex could survive a coup from other Krogans or clans, especially one that makes the sort of ordnance this guy is talking about. If Wrex is at risk, I want to know about it. 

"He's my leader, and I'll not say anything else about him." 

It's an answer I can appreciate, because it means he's unlikely to betray Wrex even if he's unhappy. And that means he's not a threat to Wrex. 

We thank him, and say goodbye. It's for the best since Garrus and Grunt can barely contain themselves with a need to get to the console. I give them the okay to buy anything they want so long as it's for the squad or the ship; it's not like these are my credits anyway. Granted, I wasn't expecting them to spend two hundred thousand credits in like three minutes. 

With that, we're heading back toward the Normandy. "Shepard," Garrus calls, slipping his hand into mine. "You know we need to do one more thing right?"

I stop to look up at him, and Garrus looks pointedly down at my side. I follow his gaze, and my heart cracks a little when I find Urz, face stretched in a goofy grin and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. 

"I don't wanna take him back yet," I admit, kneeling to rub his face between my hands and scratch his ears. 

"We can't take him on a ship, Shepard, you know that. It's no place for a Varren." 

Garrus is right, I know. But I don't have to like it. It's been kind of nice having a pet for the day. It was something I always wanted growing up and couldn't have for one reason or another. And now that I'm an adult and could make those choices for myself, I still can't have one. That doesn't seem fair. 

I stand and take Urz back to Ratch. He's hesitant to leave me too, and that doesn't help at all. When I finally manage to leave him, I can feel tears burning my eyes. "Shit, baby, this is really bothering you, isn't it?" Garrus asks, pulling me to stop and waving Grunt on ahead. 

I wipe my eyes as best I can with my armored gloves on. "I know it's stupid, but Mordin was right. Humans like pets, and I've always wanted one. It was like a tease, you know?" 

"Ah, kid," Garrus breathes, pulling me in for a hug. I allow it because I know he's not making fun of me and actually cares that I'm hurt about something so silly. "Let's get back home and I'll help you forget, okay?"

That puts a smile right on my face. "I suppose you're better than a pet, sure," I tease. 

Garrus laughs and narrows his eyes playfully at me. "You better walk fast; I'm taking you in the next ten minutes no matter where we are." 

I spin and race him back to the Normandy.


	32. High Reward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Chapter! Let's dedicate this one to the great state of Georgia who had me up ALL NIGHT, and it was so worth it. You look damn good in blue, Georgia.

A while back, I bought a present for Shepard. The night that I tried to give it to her, I stumbled across our accidental sex tape and got fantastically distracted. I haven't had an opportunity to give it to her since. 

And then today Shepard made a bet with me. She should know better. The woman is an excellent shot, a far better soldier than I am, and one of the galaxy's best strategists. I've learned so much from her, and I have even more left to learn. But for all the ways that she's amazing and impressive and unparalleled, I remain a better shot. 

The moment I had to consider terms of our bet, I knew what I wanted, and I knew it needed to include her gift. And after a day full of tough, long battles and more emotional shit than any of us needed on Tuchanka, Shepard needs it too. 

When we first get back onto the ship, Shepard has to check-in with Miranda for mission reports and then she needs to do rounds. I can see the disappointment in her eyes, that she wants to just rush upstairs with me, but it's for the best. Besides, I secretly love how responsible she is. But mostly I'm just excited to have time to make this right for her. 

In our quarters, I quickly shower and then change only into my most comfortable pair of loose sweatpants. They're coming off anyway. Hopefully soon. And then I set up. 

Shepard loves romance as much as she loves smut; she needs praise just as badly as she needs to be degraded. It's a joy being challenged to provide both in equal measure so that she's satisfied at physical and cerebral levels, to pull her into the appropriate mindset so that the significant burden on her shoulders is lifted. With all the talk about the genophage and babies today, that burden is even heavier than usual. 

It doesn't take me long to set up the room the way I want it and prepare for my girl. When I'm done, I even have a few minutes to research my idea of an extra Christmas present for Shepard. I only have a couple weeks left now, but after today, I know it'll be worth it. I end up enlisting Joker who immediately sends me to Gabby and Kelly; they have ideas and answers, so I don't even mind ending up with a dozen emails in ten minutes. The Christmas present is happening, and that's all that matters. 

Well, that and tonight. If I've learned anything, it's to make every night and every moment with Shepard count. 

When Shepard comes in, I'm sitting against the headboard, waiting for her. Her steps falter almost immediately, and I can't help but smile. It's a good sign. I don't move, watching her look around the room and take in the low lighting, the candles, and the music. I put together a playlist of that Turian singer Shepard put on when she danced for me since I've caught her listening to him a few times. 

"Wow," she breathes. "You'd think I have a boyfriend or something, getting treated like this." 

"You don't just have a boyfriend, Elle," I remind her. She comes down the stairs, and I know the moment she spies her present, eyes going wide while she stares at the end of the bed. "You have a Sir. And a bet to make good on."

I can see her blush even in the dark. 

"Go take a shower, get yourself ready for me. Bra and panties only, put your hair up. And that pretty pink stuff you wear on your lips." She licks her lips and a spark leaps to light in my groin. "When you come back, I'll get you into that." 

Her eyes flash back to her gift. Two sets of leather cuffs, linked by a thick chain. The cuffs are a shade of cobalt she should recognize; even if it's not a collar or a mark, I'm making a claim on this woman any way I can. The larger of the two sets will wrap around her upper thighs, and the other set will go around her wrists, trapping her hands at her hips. I'm not sure Shepard knows any of that, but she looks damn interested, and that's enough for me. 

Shepard swallows hard and then looks at me with wide eyes. I see that spark of defiance the moment it comes to life. She can't help pushing back, being a little bit of a brat. Probably because she likes being punished for the brattiness as much as she just genuinely likes challenging any authority. 

"You gonna join me in the shower, sir?" she asks, grinning at me. 

"I already showered," I note, motioning to myself. She already knows that, of course. 

"Hmm. But what if I get lonely and...want to start without you?"

I return her grin and stand slowly, circling the bed toward her while I answer. "If you start without me...I'll take my belt to that pretty ass of yours." I pick up said belt and snap the leather, the pop echoing through the room and making Shepard startle. Her jaw drops a little and she gapes at me, trying to decide if I'm serious. "Yeah, baby. I know you've been getting punished on purpose. So from now on, when you're being a brat, you're getting the belt." 

Shepard's throat works on a hard swallow. "Yes, sir," she breathes, voice simultaneously breathy and husky. 

"Go get a shower, my love. And if you choose to start without me...I'll know." I lean in very slowly and plant a soft kiss on her lips, barely touching her, while tapping the belt on her armored stomach. She jumps just a tiny bit with each tap, and she's practically panting by the time I pull away. She hesitates for a second, and I let some edge creep into my voice when I snap, "Go!" And like a good little soldier - and a perfect little slut - she takes off in a hurry for the closet and then the shower. "Good girl."

It's a rush, commanding and dominating her. It's exciting with anyone, sure. It's always an honor earning someone's submission. But with Shepard...it's special. Not only is she the Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, N7, and Spectre. But Elle Shepard is my best friend, my bondmate. I know everything she's been through, all the most intimate things about her. And she trusts me to own her submission. It's...everything. 

I'm thrilled I don't have to spank her when she comes out of the shower because fondness has swelled warmly in my chest by then. It might actually take some effort to degrade her tonight with how I'm feeling. It's not going to take any effort to get going for her, though. Damn. 

"When did you get this pretty little number?" I ask, approaching and then circling her so that I can get a look at every inch. Shepard is wearing a lace teddy, cut in a sharp V that barely covers her breasts, her nipples visible and hard through the flimsy fabric. The lace covers her waist like it was painted on, black along the sides and that same recognizable cobalt blue right down the middle and between her legs. Just like in her armor, she's wearing me all over her. Well, actually she's wearing me on very little of her but it has even more impact like this. Damn. 

And the best part of this is the leather strap running up her sternum and wrapping tightly around her throat. I can barely breathe. 

"Uh...last time we were on the Citadel," she admits, laughing anxiously like she thinks she might be in trouble. "I've been working up the courage to wear it since then." 

"You should never wear anything else," I counter, fisting my hands so I don't just take her to the floor and have my way with her right here. No, we made plans for tonight, and we're sticking to them. "This is going to look amazing with your present." 

She looks at me with wide eyes when I tuck a talon under the strap on her throat and tug her with me toward the bed. 

"Hmm. We might need to get a proper collar on you," I tease. She swallows hard again, evidently rendered speechless. I pull her to the end of the bed and then stop before turning back to the bed and grabbing the cuffs. Shepard shivers when I turn back to her, the cuffs dangling from my hand, and then she gasps when I drop to my knees in front of her. 

Instead of turning her around, I lean in closer than needed to latch the cuffs around each of her thighs. I know she can feel my breath on her stomach because I can see the muscle twitching through the lace. I can smell her arousal and want nothing more than to bury my face between her thighs...but I'm not going to give her that much yet. Of course, that doesn't mean I can't torture her a little. 

I take each of her hands in turn and fit them into the wrist cuffs, pinning her hands so that she can either hold them just a couple inches from her hips or behind her back. I'm not sure Shepard even realizes that the cuffs go on though while I lick and nip and kiss her hips and waist through the teddy. She gasps and moans softly, hands flexing with a need to touch me. And now she can't. 

I stand, dragging my hands over her waist on the way up, and cup her face while she looks up at me. I slide one hand into her hair and make sure she can see me look at her lips while I lean down to her. Shepard starts to shift onto her toes to meet my lips. And then she yelps when I grip her ponytail right before the kiss and use the hold to pull her onto her knees. Helpless, panting, wet, and all fucking mine. 

"Fuck, look at you," I growl, my voice going deep on all its own. "So beautiful down there, ready for my cock. And you are ready, aren't you, baby?"

"Yes, sir," she answers quickly, eagerly. My cock is ready for her too, hard and throbbing. But I'm not quite set yet. 

"You remember the terms of our little bet, don't you? We need one more thing before you get what you want, baby." I tug her earlobe and then walk away, leaving her bound and helpless on the floor. She could get to her feet with effort, but I know she won't. She'll wait for me because she knows I want her to. 

I head for the desk and set the camera there to record. I check the angle on the holo display and smile; this will catch everything. And then as I walk back to Shepard, I let her see me tap my visor. That will catch everything from my perspective. One we can watch together, one just for me. 

"Second sex tape," I note, shaking my head at her as I move to stand in front of her again. "Well, second and third. Imagine what the Alliance would say about their golden girl if they could see her now, on her knees and ready to beg for a Turian cock." 

Shepard narrows her eyes at me, just like I knew she would. "I don't know about the begging, That wasn't part of the deal." 

"Oh, really? Baby, I don't need to make a deal for that. You'll beg for my cock because you want it." I push my pants down just low enough to pull my dick out, the thing just about perfectly level with her mouth. She really was built for me. "Won't you?"

She presses her lips together, obstinate and bratty and so fucking sexy. I just laugh at her. We both know who will win this. I won't deny that I'm often desperate for the woman, but Shepard is one of the most impatient people I've ever met, while I've had patience trained into me for decades. I can hold out, and she knows it. 

"Hmm. I think you'll need to beg for a taste now if you want it," I tell her, running my hand slowly along the length of my shaft. Her eyes train on it, no longer narrowed even a little. I stroke again, twisting my hand around the head and not fighting the moan the sensation pulls out of me. "You gonna be tough, baby? You know I might just have to finish without you." 

A hard squeeze, and a bead of precum leaks out and onto my finger. "Mmm, look at that. My dick is so ready for that perfect mouth of yours. You want a taste, baby? Tell me." I release my cock to drag my finger along her bottom lip, spreading my precum with the pretty pink gloss. "You're gonna need to ask for permission if you wanna lick that off." 

I return to stroking my cock, grinning down at her and thinking about how deep into her throat I can get. It still blows my mind that she can do this at all. Turian's might lick but to actually take me in her mouth? And suck? Human physiology is incredible; the xenophobes are really missing out. But I'm certainly not going to. Especially not if the look in Shepard's eye means what I think it does. 

"You want me in your mouth?"

"Yes, sir," she breathes, leaning forward a little like she's too worked up to stay still. 

I step a little closer, close enough to tap her pouty pink lips with the tip of my dick. "Tell me, baby. Say it." 

She swallows, working up the courage. "I want you in my mouth. I want..." I wait patiently, aware that this is still something of a challenge for her. She takes a breath and looks up at me with blazing emerald eyes. "I want to taste your cum." 

"Mmm, I know, baby," I purr at her. "You can't take it with your hands, so I guess you'll need me to feed this to you, hmm? What do you think?" 

"Yes, sir. Please." She keeps eye contact with me and runs her tongue along her bottom lip, tasting what I left there. Shepard closes her eyes and moans, very nearly doing me in right then. Spirits, this woman is sexy. 

"Taste good?"

"Mmhmm." 

"Want more?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"That's my girl." I step close enough to hold the back of her head with my free hand, using her ponytail to hold her hair at just the right angle. "Open your mouth and stick your tongue out for me." Shepard obeys immediately, practically panting. She's flushed and wide-eyed and looks completely debased. And I have it on video, looking straight down at her. 

I slap my dick down on her tongue, loving the wet sound. But I need more. "Go ahead and kiss it for me, baby." 

Shepard makes a sound almost like a whimper and closes her eyes, leaning in to softly kiss the head of my cock. She teases it with her mouth, trailing her tongue along the head and then letting me watch her swirl around it. It's a damn beautiful sight, almost enough for me to want to let it continue. And then she flicks her tongue against me, and my legs shake. 

That's it. I have to have her now. 

I wrap her ponytail around my hand and tilt her head back further, moving close enough that I'm almost standing on top of her. When I push my cock through her lips, it's almost down into her mouth, and Shepard doesn't resist as I slip into her throat. I pull her head back instead of thrusting my hips and then push her on deep again, once more before I test her limits. The wet heat deep in her throat is incredible, shattering. It takes immense effort to pull back when she gags, but I'm rewarded with a trail of her spit connecting my dick and her lips. 

"Damn. You're the most beautiful thing in the galaxy, Elle." Her gaze softens and she smiles, still panting. "I'm gonna ask you to trust me since you won't have a way to stop me. I want to fuck your throat, and I promise to stop when you gag. Okay?"

"No," she answers quickly. It surprises me enough that I almost step back. "No, don't stop if I gag. You can...you'll feel it if I shake my head. Right?"

"Yes, but are you sure? I could hurt you." 

She smiles even wider. "You won't. And if you do...it's the good kind of hurt." I roll my eyes at her and laugh. It's incredible she can make me laugh while on her knees and begging to gag on my dick in her throat. "I trust you, sir. Please." 

"I trust you, too," I promise, tucking a curl behind her ear. I tighten my grip on her hair and then take what we both want. Watching my dick disappear into her mouth is just as erotic as how good this feels, Shepard taking far more of me than she ever has before. I'm still cautious when she's gagging but I do trust her, so I let go enough to thrust into her throat while holding her head steady, varying that pace with letting her suck on the head or kiss my shaft. 

Before long, I can feel the tension building at the base of my spine, sparks leaping to life at the base of my cock, my fringe tingling and my blood boiling. I can feel the orgasm building. "I wanna cum all over you tonight baby," I warn her, pulling her off my length by the hair. She looks dazed for a second until I start roughly stroking my cock and then she moans. "Open your mouth." 

"Please," she murmurs before following the order, opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out again. The sight is too much for me to handle and everything explodes at one. I force my own eyes open while Shepard has the good sense to close hers. My cum shoots into her mouth and splashes onto her face. I jerk her backward enough to spill some of it down onto her breasts. Somehow she's even more beautiful like that. 

Shepard is moaning and whimpering, fidgeting nonstop. Her cheeks, throat, and chest are flushed, and she meets my gaze while licking her lips. My dick is still hard, still throbbing, and I'm practically vibrating with need. Cumming all over her only made me want her more, the orgasm bringing no real release and only stoking the fire. 

I have to have her. 

"Get up." I take Shepard's arm and pull her to her feet. I kiss her hard, tasting myself in her mouth, and then drive her backward toward the couch. Shepard yelps a little when I spin her around, press my hand between her shoulder blades, and shove her face first down onto the leather. "Keep this pretty ass up in the air for me." I give it a smack and then kneel behind her, slipping the thin layer of lace aside so that I can reach her with my tongue. 

She's soaked and moans loudly, high pitched and needy, at the first touch. I'm just as needy, her incredible sweet taste only making my dick throb harder. I grip the base and squeeze for a little relief while licking a hot line from her clit all the way back to her ass. Shepard quakes when my tongue rims her and cries out my name when I flick my tongue inside her. My name on her mouth is too much to resist, so I stand, aim, and fire right into her. Her body welcomes my length, scorching hot and almost painfully tight. 

"Fuck, you feel so good." I barely understand myself over the growl rumbling through my chest. The sound of my quad slapping against her with every hard thrust in deep and fast, her soaking wet pussy gripping me, Shepard whimpering as I pound at her...Spirits. I barely pull out of her in time to cum all over her back and ass, Shepard crying my name and straining at the cuffs. She wants her own release, I know. And she's going to get it. 

I lean over her back and nuzzle her ear, nipping the lobe lightly. "I'll let you cum baby," I promise, letting my dick sink slowly back inside her. "But I want you to cum with my cock in your ass." 

"Garrus!" she gasps. "Yes, sir, please. I want it." 

"Oh, I know you do." I pull out of her to press both my fingers inside her instead, Shepard soaking them immediately. And then I'm buried balls deep in her again while pressing one wet finger into her ass. "Let's stretch you out a little first, okay? Deep breath, baby, you can take this." 

Shepard moans. "I need my hands, please, sir. I can't...can't relax like this." 

It's an easy ask if it means I get her ass, so I quickly undo the latches on the wrist cuffs and let her hands free. She's gripping the couch immediately but pushing her hips back into me, her ass opening to my finger. We both lose control in the best way, Shepard begging for more even when I start fucking her ass with two fingers while pounding at her with my cock. 

"Damn, baby, I've been thinking about getting into this ass since the first time I had you," I tell her. "I need to own every inch of you, Elle. I need you, all of you." 

"All of me is yours, Garrus," she manages, gasping and whimpering. "Please." 

I know what she wants and I give it to her, speeding up my hips and twisting my fingers in her ass, spreading that impossibly tight little hole. Shepard shatters, screaming something just as pained as it is full of pleasure, and then she's gone. Her orgasm drags on, her body clinging to the sensation until she sags onto the couch. But I can't let her rest for long; I need so much more of her. 

I scoop Shepard up, boneless, and carry her to the bed. She's barely there while I remove the cuffs from her thighs and then her teddy and toss them aside, and she seems only vaguely aware when I pull the vibrator and lube out of the bedside table. She snaps back to life when I turn the vibrator on, though. 

I grin down at her, running it lightly down the inside of her thigh. "Need to keep you relaxed, baby." I grab a pillow and set it under her ass, the angle perfect. "Take this," I tell her, pressing the vibrator into her hand and then guiding it to her clit. She gasps but lifts her hips eagerly. "Try to focus on that, baby, especially at first. Okay?"

She nods, pupils all but blown, her eyes trained intensely on me while I lube up my fingers and then her hole. I want this as easy as possible her first time so I don't just rely on my natural lubrication. Maybe next time. 

I push her thighs back and apart, spreading her for me. The view alone is enough to get my heart racing. But it's Shepard's heart I'm worried about, speeding, and her face a brighter red than I've ever seen. She gasps the moment the tip of my cock touches her, before I press at all. 

"I'm scared," she admits, voice soft and almost squeaky. It means the world that she's just admitted that. 

I lean down to kiss her softly, using my free hand to press the vibrator a little more firmly into her clit between us. "It's okay to be scared, but I'll take care of you. I'll go slow. Okay?"

"It's gonna hurt." 

I smile and kiss her again, dragging my tongue against her bottom lip. "The worst of the pain doesn't last," I promise. "And you know it'll feel good, don't you?" She finally exhales and nods, moaning against my mouth when I start to press into her. I push her hair back from her forehead and then rest my forehead against hers. "I have you. Let me make you feel good, baby." 

"Garrus." She wraps her free arm tightly around my neck and takes a breath. I use the moment to press in, her body eagerly sucking the head of my cock in. And holy Spirits. Shepard cries out and digs her fingers into my neck, and I fist the sheets for control.   
Fuck. 

It's the most incredible thing I've ever felt around my dick, unbelievably and almost unbearably tight. I want to go wild, fuck her without restraint, but I force myself to stay still, to stay calm and in control. Once I can breathe again, I direct Shepard's hand on the vibrator to start playing with it, and she moans deeply. It helps relax her, which helps relax me. 

"That's the worst of it, baby, I promise." I kiss her softly and nuzzle her forehead again. "Can I move?" 

"Yes...please. Slow." 

"I know." I kiss her once more and then straighten back up, liberally applying more lube to my shaft. I wish it was colder so I could calm down a little. Shit, this woman will be the death of me. 

The deeper into her I get, working in slowly, the better it feels, and the more wild Shepard gets with me. We both all but scream when I bottom out inside her. I could cum right this second, but I want desperately to have Shepard's orgasm make me cum. 

"Garrus, move!" she begs, arching her spine and clinging to my arm. She's got the vibrator rubbing her clit vigorously now, getting into this, and it gives me the freedom to release a little control. 

Every thrust is mindblowing, and knowing that I'm taking this hole for the first time ever makes it even better. And Shepard...Spirits, the woman does not disappoint. She looks right up at me, getting her ass pounded and loving it. My heart nearly erupts for her, love nearly overwhelming me. I wrap my hand around her throat and grin, squeezing just enough to up the ante. "You're perfect," I tell her. "I'm wild for you, baby." 

"Oh, Garrus," she cries, throwing her head back with tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. "Oh, please! I need to cum, please. Garrus...Garrus!" She screams and her spine bends in a way that should be impossible, and then the impossibly tight hole gets even impossibly tighter. Sensation explodes in every cell of my body, her ass draining my dick for all its worth until I'm collapsing onto her and gasping for air. It's the single most intense orgasm of my life; I'm not sure I'll be able to walk again. 

Shepard laughs when I admit that to her. Then she tosses the vibrator aside and wraps my arms around her neck again, kissing my forehead. I nuzzle into her, wrapping my arms around her for a hug. I'd like to stay here all day, but my legs are starting to shake and her ass is going to start to feel very uncomfortable, so I give her a kiss and then stand. 

"Take a breath," I warn. She does, but still grimaces when I pull out. I want to ask if she's okay, but I can't take my eyes off her ass, that perfect pink hole gaping and my cum dripping from it. I scan the rest of her, Shepard ravaged and owned, including new scratches on her waist and shoulders. Somehow, my dick finds the energy to twitch even while it softens. "You look amazing."

"You feel amazing," she counters, stretching and smiling even as I can see pain flash over her expression. "I really enjoyed losing this bet to you." 

I laugh and lean down to kiss her, then guide her carefully to stand. Shepard winces, and I can see her force the pain off her mouth. "Hey, stop that." I pull her face up so she has to look at me. "Believe me, I know it hurts." She laughs at that, blushing a little. "Don't hide that from me, okay? I need to know how you're feeling, you know that." 

"I know. I promise, it's not bad. Just...weird," she laughs, shifting a little and leaning into me. "I really wish I could take a bath and just soak, but a hot shower would be really great." 

"Especially since you have my cum all over you," I remind her, dropping my hand to her ass for a gentle squeeze. Shepard moans and lifts up onto her toes, offering her mouth. I'm not stupid enough to turn down that offer, and I don't hesitate to linger, kissing her deeply. She's panting again when I pull away. Perfect. "Let's go get you that shower, baby." 

I sweep my arm behind her knees and Shepard giggles, the sound making my heart skip. She holds onto my neck and kicks her feet a little, kissing my throat while I carry her across the room and into the bathroom. She lets me clean her, melts into me while I wash her hair, and is barely conscious by the time the shower is over. And that's perfect, too, so I carry her back to bed. 

Shepard lets me dry her and then pull her under the blankets with me. "You were incredible tonight," I tell her, slowly rubbing her back and keeping her close. "You have no idea how crazy I am about you, Shepard." 

She's given me so much...and I still can't tell her that I'm bonded to her. 

"I don't deserve you," I tell her, tightening my hold on her. 

"Yeah, well. I'm gonna marry you, so you can take that deserving me shit and shove it," she replies, muffled by my chest because she's holding me just as tight. "Humans...we believe in soulmates. Someone who completes us, was made for us." She tilts her head back to look up at me and says, "You're my soulmate, Garrus. And I love you." 

"Damn, Shepard. I..." I don't have the words. So I pull her closer and kiss her soundly. Shepard smiles brilliantly and then snuggles in closer, falling asleep in moments. But I can't sleep. I really don't deserve her, and she deserves so much more from me. 

I may not have the words, but I know how to show Shepard how I feel and give her what she deserves from me. My mind makes a weak attempt at planning, but my body is far too exhausted. That will have to wait 'til tomorrow. But we're going to take the first step toward our future soon. I'm never letting her go. 

*****

I crashed hard and before Garrus, but I wake up well rested and before him too. Garrus is knocked out, and I can imagine why. He did some incredible work last night. And oh boy, I feel that work even just rolling over today. Walking is going to be an adventure, I think.

Worth it. 

It was even worth missing breakfast, even though that sends a shock through me when I realize the time. And Garrus is still sleeping! Damn, I really did wear him out. For once, I'm the one of us preening. 

It seals my choice to leave Garrus in bed, too. He deserves the rest. I don't touch him at all, though I don't love not starting my day by kissing him, and then get out of bed as carefully as I can. I'm glad I don't have to shower today; he would definitely hear that. But I manage to get dressed in sweats and sneak out without disturbing him.

In the elevator, I realize I haven't stopped smiling all morning. Hell of a night. Tali and I talked a few days ago about Garrus not telling me that he loves me. She urged me to just focus on his actions instead of the words, and I think she's right. Garrus makes his feelings for me clear. I hate that he's still afraid I'm going to leave him again, but I'm asking him to trust my actions and not our past. It seems only fair I trust him, too. 

I stop in the Mess Hall for a quick breakfast and coffee on-the-go, and then get up to the CIC for a little work before rounds. Kelly greets me from her station with that bright smile I can always count on. I feel bad that she used to annoy me so much; now I appreciate her constant enthusiasm. 

"Good morning, Commander," she greets me. I can see the playful glint in her eye and I can't help a grin. 

"Yeah, yeah, you can say it. It's almost afternoon." 

She laughs and puts her hands up in a playfully defensive posture. "Not my place, Shepard. And it's my professional opinion that you deserve all the stress relief the two of you can get." 

"That's a prescription I can get behind, Kelly, thanks," I laugh, heading for the console opposite Kelly near the galaxy map. 

"Oh, Commander, before you get caught up in emails," Kelly interjects. I wait, sipping my coffee. It's not like I was eager for my emails anyway. "Thane wanted to speak with you. He seemed more somber than usual." 

Thane is always somber, but it's hard to blame the guy. Besides, he's nice enough to the crew and doesn't seem reckless, so I don't push him. Part of me wonders if he wants to talk about hitting on Garrus; I'll laugh until I cry, I'm sure. But something tells me that if Thane is asking to talk to me in private, it's serious. 

I thank Kelly and head for Life Support immediately. I've only been in here the one other time when I checked on Thane briefly after he joined; he's a private guy and I don't like to pry, so we haven't had really in depth conversations. The room looks the same as it did then, spartan and sparse. The only thing he's decorated is one wall of glass shelves for his guns. 

Thane is sitting at the lone chair at the only table in the room, facing the wall. His hands are folded in front of him and doesn't turn before he greets me. "Shepard. Thank you for coming to see me." 

"Of course," I reply, stopping a few feet behind him. "Are you alright?"

"I mentioned when we met on Illium that I was dying. It's called Kepral's Syndrome. It's not communicable, but I have less than a year to live." 

Now I move further into the room where I can see him, trying to figure out if he looks any different or if I should be concerned. "Are you feeling sick, Thane? You're welcome to see Chakwas or Mordin." 

"No, no. Though I suppose that is part of it. My mortality has me...dwelling on things." He stands and walks slowly to the glass shelves on the wall. "I had a family once. I still have a son. His name is Kolyat. I haven't seen him for a very long time." 

I approach Thane at the shelves, standing beside him but not staring since he's not looking at me. "How long has it been since you talked?"   
"Ten years," he answers. "He showed me some of his schoolwork and asked if we could dance crazy. We did that when he was younger." 

"'Dance crazy'? What sort of dance is that?" It almost makes me smile and sounds pretty adorable. It's hard to imagine Thane being adorable, honestly. 

"It's..." 

Thane's face shifts in an instant, and his gaze becomes blank and distant. He's seeing something else, something not in this room with us. I've seen him do this before, slip into his picture-perfect memories, and I think it'll always creep me out. I also think it sounds like a horrible curse, to remember everything. 

"I check my extranet contacts. I expect an update on my next target. The console plays music. Old. Unfashionable." He blinks, staring at nothing. "Kolyat jumps in the room. 'Hi, Father!' Runs around in circles. I scoop him up. Toss him into the air. He shrieks, laughs. 'Spin me!' The console beeps. I put him down. Click the message. 'Father,' he pleads. Tugs my sleeve. 'I need to read this,' I say. I don't look at him." 

He blinks again and shakes his head a little, coming back into himself and into the present. He gives me a sideways glance like he's realizing then what he just told me and isn't proud of it. I can't blame him. 

"You said had a family," I note. "Did...something happen to them?"

"I abandoned them," he announces simply, like he would tell me what he ate for breakfast. I must make a face because he quickly says, "Oh, no not all at once. Nothing dramatic. No sneaking out in the middle of the night. No final argument or slammed door. I just...did my job. I hunted and killed across the galaxy. 'Away on business,' my wife would tell people." He bows his head. "I was always away on business." 

I take a breath, wondering what the end game is. Thane doesn't seem the type to dump all this private information for nothing. 

"Why are you telling me all this now, Thane?"

He pauses for a moment. "When my wife departed from her body, I...attended to that issue. I left Kolyat in the care of his aunts and uncles. I have not seen him or talked to him since." 

"That's not the choice I expected," I admit. "Why didn't you raise him yourself?"

I'm trying not to judge him. I had a great family environment as a kid; my parents loved the hell out of me and Jake. And now I'd give anything for a baby to love with Garrus. I'm going to save the galaxy with that baby in mind. Thane gave away his kid. That's...

"My body is blessed with the skills to take life," Thane explains. "The hanar honed them in me. I have few others. I didn't want that life for Kolyat. I hoped he would find his own way. If he hated me, so be it. He would not have to share the path of sin." Thane turns to face me, his hands behind his back. "I used my contacts to trace Kolyat. He has become...disconnected. He does what his body wills." 

I frown at him. "Disconnected? You'll have to explain that one to me." 

"Disconnected," he repeats with a nod. "The body is not our true self. The soul is. Body and soul work as one in a Whole Person." I can practically hear the capital letters. "When the soul is weakened by despair or fear, when the body is ill or injured, the individual is disconnected. No longer Whole." 

"So what's wrong with Kolyat that he's disconnected. Is he hurt?" 

"Something happened that should not have. He knows where I've been, what I've done. I don't know his reasons, but he has gone to the Citadel. He has taken a job as a hit man. I would like your help to stop him. He is..." Thane shakes his head. Shame is thick in his voice now, but it wasn't when he was talking about leaving his kid. I wonder if he's ashamed of himself or of Kolyat. "This is not a path he should walk." 

"A hit man? You don't hire a raw rookie for a contract killing."

"I'm afraid someone may have seen we share a name and assumed we share skills. I don't know why he would accept the task." 

I give him a look, pretty sure he does know. "To be closer to you, maybe?"

Thane nods. "That thought haunts me more than any other." 

Well, that makes him a better dad than he was a few moments ago at least. I turn to face him, still a little lost. 

"Thane, I don't have your contacts, and I don't have your tracking skills. Why do you need my help for this?"

"I don't need your help, I want it," he counters. "The last time I saw my son..." Thane shifts into another memory, and I brace myself. "They've wrapped her body in sea-vines. Weighted it with stones. He tries to pull from me. Calls for her. The Hanar lift her off the platform. They sing like bells. 'The Fire has gone, to be kindled anew.' He begs them not to take her away. They let her body slide into the water. He hits me." Thane's voice goes higher, much more dramatic than usual, when he says, "'Don't let them! Stop them! Why weren't you - '" His voice shifts back to normal. "It rains. It always rains on Kahje. Warm water pours down his face." 

I didn't brace myself enough. I couldn't have braced myself for that, listening to Thane relive the day his son buried his mother. God. 

"I'm sorry," I offer. "I didn't mean to make you relive that." 

"Perfect memory. It is sometimes a burden." Thane's shoulders are low, his expression dark. It was hard to hear, but to live through it again...

I'll help him. I just need to know how. 

"What made him go to the Citadel?"

"Years ago, I prepared a package for him. A relic of my ill-spent life. I had Volus bankers store it and arranged for delivery when I died. He acquired it early. I don't really know how. I did wet work on the Citadel around the time his mother died. That may be why he went there." 

I nod. "Okay. I'll get us to the Citadel as soon as possible." 

"Thank you, Shepard," Thane replies, face brightening a little and his tone earnest. "I'll be meditating until you need me." 

I leave Life Support, my head spinning, and almost crash right into Kelly. She was definitely trying to run away so it wouldn't seem like she was waiting. Or spying. Thank God Kelly is not a spy. 

But she may be exactly what Thane needs right now. I've seen them flirting, and I've definitely seen Kelly drooling over him. But I know Kelly genuinely cares for people, too. And Thane seems like he wants something to care for him right about now. 

"Kelly, can you do me a favor?" I ask, interrupting her rambling apologies that I haven't really been listening to anyway. 

"Of course, Commander!" she responds eagerly, stepping closer. 

"I think Thane could really use someone to talk to right now," I tell her honestly. "He needs someone to open up to, and I don't think that can be me since I'm his Commander. But you're easy to talk to, and Thane likes you." 

She brightens up at that, and I try to ignore it. This is not a set-up, and I hope she has the good sense and professionalism not to walk in there and try to sleep with the poor guy. 

"Kelly, he's struggling a little." Her face falls immediately, concern darkening her eyes. "He's meditating right now, but I know you meditate as well, so maybe a little company will help and then you guys can talk?"

"Of course. I'll try," she promises, nodding firmly. "Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know." 

I have to hope that trust isn't misplaced, but I think this will be a good thing. For both of them, really. 

Kelly moves into Life Support, and I head for the elevator, but my Omni-Tool dings before the door opens. A message from Garrus always makes me smile, but this one makes a laugh come up from my toes. 

**Finally dragged my ass outta bed. In Main Battery. Come tell me how your ass is feeling.** 

I head straight there, the conversation with Thane on my mind the whole way. Thane abandoned his family by doing his job. Too much travel, too much work. And as a Spectre, I have just as much travel and work in my future. I can't expect to drag Garrus around with me but...

What if he feels abandoned? What will our family look like if we have a baby and I'm never around because of the Council?

Besides, I don't want to be away from him. I'd love to work with Garrus, for things to always be like this between us. I want what my parents had, rarely spending more than a night apart and best friends. Can I have that if I'm a Spectre? Maybe...if Garrus is too.

The door to the Main Battery opens and I'm greeted by my favorite smile, Garrus leaning back against the console with his arms crossed over his chest. "How did you know I was coming?" I ask. "I'm not even wearing boots!" 

"I like to consider myself an expert on you coming," he quips. I laugh and quickly step inside to let the doors shut before anyone else can hear his little jokes. Garrus pulls me into arms the moment the door is closed, spinning me around and lifting me onto the console. And sending a jolt of pain through my ass. "Shit, I'm sorry," he breathes, lifting me right back up. 

"No, it's okay," I assure him, though I don't mind having him hold me. "Just a little sore. But it's kinda worth it." 

Garrus grins at that and kisses me softly, taking me to the cot instead. He sits me down on his lap, careful this time. "I loved last night, baby. You were so sexy." He nips my throat, making me shiver. 

"Hey, don't distract me. I had something I wanted to talk to you about." 

"So talk," he murmurs, still kissing down my throat and toward my breasts. "I can multitask." 

"Not while you motorboat me," I laugh, shoving his shoulders back to get his face out of my cleavage. 

Garrus laughs and kisses me quickly. "Sorry, sorry, I'm listening. Your breasts are just so very tempting." 

"Good to know. But I've been thinking..." I hesitate, knowing that this isn't a time in Garrus's life that he likes to talk about. But that doesn't mean there aren't parts he needs to talk about. Omega, more than this, but still. "You quit Spectre training before you went to Omega. Have you...thought about trying to go back?" 

Instantly, Garrus stiffens and then he shoots to his feet so quickly, I nearly fall to the floor. I catch myself on his arm but Garrus makes no move to protect me. He's not even looking at me. And then he moves me aside and walks to the console, gripping the edge of it and turning his back to me. 

I start toward him, confused and concerned, but a growl stops me short. 

"What the fuck are you saying?" he demands, still not looking at me. "You can't be doing this to me again, Shepard, you can't." 

"Doing what? I don't...I don't understand what's going on." 

Garrus whirls around and I startle back, caught off guard by the intensity of his glare. He is pissed. Oh...but not as much as he's hurt. 

Those ice blue eyes are shooting daggers and filling with tears, and I don't know which one is worse or what I did to cause this. 

"You're sending me away again!" he snaps. "You did this last time, used Spectre training as an excuse to get rid of me. Shit, Shepard, I thought..." He turns away, growling and tugging on his fringe with both hands. "If you don't want me, just tell me. You can't fuck with me like this again." 

"Garrus!" I move toward him and press my hands to his back, but Garrus pulls away. I grab his wrist with both hands to stop him from going too far. "No, stop, you have to listen to me! You can't just yell at me and not let me talk." 

"No, Shepard," he argues, pushing my hands away. I can feel him shaking, my own tears starting to burn hot in my eyes. "Just say it, just tell me you're looking for a way to get rid of me again. Please, please don't play with me." 

"I don't want you to leave!" I snap. I give up on keeping a hold of his arm and throw myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and clinging. I bury my face into his neck. "That's not what I meant. And if you did go back into Spectre training, I'd move to the Citadel and wait for you." 

I feel Garrus take a breath and hold it, like he's unsure if he can believe me but wants to. Some of his tension easies, but not enough. 

"I asked because I don't want to leave you, ever. No playing, I promise, Garrus." 

Finally, Garrus wraps his arms around me and then all but collapses onto a metal crate behind him. He exhales hard and ducks his face into my throat. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I just..." 

"I know," I reply, stroking his fringe and trying to calm both of us down. "I didn't think about how it would sound. I'm sorry, too." 

He nods, and I feel his mouth touch my throat. I hate knowing that what I did made him this insecure about us...but I know we can't stay like this forever. 

"Garrus...you have to be able to trust me eventually. Do you think you ever will?" 

Now he squeezes me almost too tight, and he still isn't looking at me. "I'm trying," he admits after a long pause. "I want to trust you, and most of the time I feel sure you're not going to leave me again. But...fuck, Shepard, I was sure before, too." 

A balloon in my chest pops. I knew all of this, I did, but hearing it from him, hearing that we might never have trust...

"I don't know how to prove to you that I'm not leaving other than to not leave," I note. "But how will we survive if you never trust me?"

Garrus shakes his head and hugs me closer. He lifts his face to mine but his eyes are closed, and I close mine when he presses our foreheads together. "I'm trying," he breathes again. "I'll do better, I promise. I'm sorry." 

"Stop," I beg him, taking his face between his hands. "I brought this up because Thane told me that he abandoned his family just by doing his job. He was never home, never there for them, and he lost them. And I can't lose you." 

He finally looks at me, eyes piercing. 

"It's true that if you were a Spectre, though, we could stay together. Our work wouldn't have to take us apart as often. But I wasn't suggesting six months apart." I laugh and admit, "I'd never survive that." 

Garrus grins a little and leans in to kiss me softly. "Me neither. I can barely stand the hours we do spend apart. And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll...probably admit." 

We both laugh, the rest of the tension finally cracking and floating away. I melt against him and Garrus catches me this time, pulling my face to his for a kiss that lingers. "I don't want to someday abandon you and our family by working." 

"I know, I don't want that either," he breathes. Garrus takes a breath and then stands, carrying me back to the cot. This time he lays down and pulls me to lay next to him. "This bed smells like Jack and...oh, no. Is that Zaeed? I'll whip her pale little ass, I swear." 

"Lucky her," I laugh, rolling my eyes at him. Garrus sniffs again and winces, making me laugh again. "Do you want to get off the cot before you throw up?"

"No, I won't throw up. I just also cannot get a hard on." 

I narrow my eyes at him with a grin. "I kinda wanna find out if that's true." 

"Yeah? You can, after I tell you that the Council offered me Spectre once." I startle again and lean back for a better look at his face. He's dead serious. "Yeah. They came to me a couple days before I left for Omega. The deal was that if I stopped talking about the Reapers and took up where you left off, looking for Geth, they would make me a Spectre." 

"They said that? That you had to stop talking about the Reapers?"

He nods. "Word for word. I was stirring up too many questions, and they wanted everyone to believe it was over with Saren. I had my buddies at C-Sec asking questions and the other Spectre trainees. They thought I wanted the job more than I wanted to be loyal to you." 

"They don't know you very well," I note, and then reward him for being so incredibly loyal with a soft kiss. Garrus hums against my lips and is smiling when I pull away. "We could partner more if you were a Spectre, but I wouldn't want you to do it at all if you hate the idea. Could you work for the Council?"

"Baby, if you can do it, anyone can," he laughs. "And if it meant we could work together, I could work for just about anyone. Including Cerberus." 

I laugh so hard my head falls back, and Garrus takes the opportunity to start kissing and nipping my throat gently. It kills the laughter and stirs something else deep inside me. "So...I could, uh..." I have to clear my throat to talk while he continues kissing me. "I could sponsor you. Push the Council. No more training." 

"You could," he murmurs. "But I don't care about the position. I'd work for you, on your crew, anyway. I never wanna serve anyone else." 

"Oh. See, that's the kind of comment that could earn you one hell of a blowjob." 

Garrus laughs and meets my mouth for a much harder kiss. "I'll take you up on that later." He kisses me once more and then shifts to sit up, pulling me with him before he stands, fixing his pants around his erection on the way up. I guess I did overpower the smell. "Tell me more about what Thane said before I get you naked again." 

As much as I'd like him to get me naked again, and even more to get him naked, I tell him what Thane and I talked about. Garrus doesn't have as much of a reaction to Thane leaving his son all alone, basically an orphan, and I know that has to do with his own father and their relationship. But he agrees we should help. 

"The Citadel, huh? We'll be there in, what, three days?" 

"Probably something like that. Why?"

Garrus smirks and turns to face me, pausing his calibrations. It must be either important or good or both for Garrus to stop those damn calibrations. "A good friend of mine is having a birthday party on the Citadel in a few days. We were invited, and we'll be there for it...if you wanna go." 

My heart thumps and my face starts to heat instantly. "I, uh...I hate to rely on stereotypes...but are the rumors about Turian parties true?" 

Lucky for me since that could definitely make me look like a jerk, Garrus laughs. 

"It's a stereotype, but sometimes those are accurate. Most Turian parties end up with most of us naked and...playing." 

Very suddenly my mouth is like a desert and I can't swallow; I can barely breathe. 

"Breathe, baby," Garrus murmurs, pulling me off the bed and against his chest. "We don't even have to go, and if we do go, we don't have to get naked or play. Unless you want to." 

"I...I mean, part of me wants to." That's harder to admit than it should be. But it's true so it probably shouldn't be hard. Maybe someday I can get over this ridiculous modesty. For now, I have to steel myself to even look up at him. "It's just really new to me. I wouldn't know what to expect." 

Garrus makes a soft noise and then kisses me even more softly. "You can expect to enjoy a party, just like you would any other. And if you want to stay when it gets...late, you can expect me and you. Just like always." 

"And everyone else at the party will see us?"

"If they're not paying attention to their own partners, sure. How does that make you feel?"

"Honestly...pretty good. Especially knowing most people will be distracted," I admit. I press myself closer to him, slipping my arms around his neck. He slides one hand down to cup my ass. "Besides, I've seen how we look together. I don't hate the idea of people seeing that." 

Garrus gives me a low growl and squeezes my ass. 

"And, uh...what if there's someone there who wants to...join?" 

Garrus kisses me. "We'll see how we both feel about that person and them joining and take it from there. Okay?" 

"Okay. Yes. Yes, lets go to a party." 

"Okay, I'll let them know we're coming." In a flash, Garrus picks me up and pulls my arm around his waist. "But right now, you got me all worked up. Let's get back to bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in tomorrow for a party-themed N7 day surprise :)


	33. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy N7 Day! This is one of my most favorite chapters I've ever written for this, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

It's a damn good thing Thane's mission to help his son ended up being pretty damn simple. Or at least that Shepard and Thane can handle most of it. I can't remember the last time I was this distracted, especially on a mission. 

But today is huge. Today is...one of the scariest days I've ever faced. And that has nothing to do with the mission. 

It's also a damn good thing we finish up with Thane and Kolyat quickly. I have places to be. The trick to that is getting apart from Shepard, but the moment I start mentioning engineering parts and pieces, Shepard is just as eager to get away from me. And she kisses me in public. That helps calm some of my nerves for the day. 

Some. Very few. And then all my nerves, everything in me that wants to panic, comes flooding back with a vengeance when I walk into Flux and spot Chakwas and Anderson at a table. They both seem at ease, smiling, but I feel like I could pass out. I swear the whole fucking room is spinning. 

Is this supposed to be this hard?

I'm two seconds from running when Anderson looks up and spots me. I'm still considering it when he waves me over, but since I asked them both to be here, that would be rude. And I have to do this. I'm never going to have another shot, especially not if I turn and run right now. 

I have to do this. She deserves this. 

I get my shit together and cross the room to them. Anderson stands as I approach and holds a hand out to me. "Good to see you, son," he greets me. 

It's like a kick in the gut everytime he calls me that. It's good, but still makes me feel a little sick. I don't deserve it. 

"Thanks for coming, Admiral," I reply. I look to Chakwas and can't help a genuine smile when I greet her. "I appreciate you meeting me here, Doc." 

"Of course, Garrus. Your email seemed rather serious," she notes, motioning toward the chair across from the two of them. I take it, immediately feeling like I'm on trial. That's not going to help. "Is everything alright?" 

"Yeah, yes, of course. I just, uh..." I clear my throat and shift, wishing I'd changed out of my armor...and maybe into a suit. I'm not dressed appropriately for this sort of thing. But how does one dress for this? I shake my head, forcing my thoughts back into the present where Anderson and Chakwas are staring at me. "Okay. You both know that I'm...that me, me and Shepard are..." 

Chakwas reaches across the table and puts her hand over mine. "Garrus, you're giving me anxiety! Are you here to tell us that you and Shepard are dating? I hate to break it to you, but that ship has sailed." 

"No," I laugh, finding myself put a little at ease. "No, that's not why I'm here. I actually..." 

They're both staring at me, waiting, expectant. And they could both tell me off. I think Anderson is even armed. Oh, Spirits. Get it together, Vakarian. 

"I want to ask Shepard to marry me," I blurt out. It surprises me to hear it, and I can see the surprise on both of them. It's all out there now, I take a breath and dive in with both feet. No turning back now. "I know that Shepard isn't all about human traditions, and I don't really know what all is involved in this, but I know that the two of you are the closest thing to parents Shepard has so...I want to ask for your blessing." 

I watch them exchange a glance. Neither of their expressions clear enough for me to read, and my anxiety spikes. And then everything just starts tumbling out of me at once, no control and no filter. 

"Look, I know that I don't deserve her and I never could," I tell them, leaning forward and planting my hands on the table to try and ground myself. "I know I'm not perfect and that I've failed at a lot." More than they know. "But I...Spirits, I'm crazy about her. No one will ever love Shepard the way I do, and I'll make sure she feels loved everyday. I'll never hurt her, never," I promise. "I'm - " 

"Vakarian, stop." I recognize it as an order and the same tone that Shepard uses when she's giving orders. So that's where she learned it. It works, too. I find myself ramrod straight in the chair, immediately feeling chastised. So then when Anderson’s expression softens, I have no idea what to do with myself. "Garrus, why would you say you don't deserve her?" 

I'm not sure if this is a trap or not, but they're both staring at me, and it seems like they want a real answer. "Because...because I don't. I mean, I don't think anyone could ever really deserve someone like Shepard, but...but especially not me. You both know enough of what I've done, I..." I look down and shake my head, not totally prepared to rehash all my failures right here. 

"Garrus." Chakwas takes my hand again. "Do you know what Shepard sees in you?" 

I laugh. "I don't think you want my answer to that." Chakwas narrows her eyes at me, though I can still see her smile, and Anderson has to cough to cover a laugh of his own. They want me to answer the question, though. Easier said than done. "I'm Shepard's best friend. She trusts me, she likes being around me. And I'm loyal to her, she knows that. I'd follow her to hell and back. I'm probably going to do just that before the year is over." 

"And what about that makes you feel like you don't deserve her?" Chakwas presses, leaning forward now too. I can't answer her, especially not with those grey eyes boring into me. 

"You know, Garrus," Anderson begins, leaning back in his chair, "Shepard is like a daughter to me. To us," he adds, motioning to Chakwas. "We were both there when she first came to Earth, and I was there when she joined the military, when she graduated from training, when she was promoted, when she was accepted into N7 and as a Spectre. I have been there for every major moment in Shepard's adult life. She has impressed and amazed me at every turn." 

I nod, certainly feeling the same way about her. Shepard is incredible, it's impossible to deny. 

"I've never had to worry about her career, I don't honestly even worry too much about her health and safety." Anderson shakes his head and admits, "The only thing I've ever worried about was whether Shepard would find someone, a partner, to stand by her side." He stares at me for a long moment and then smiles. "And now, Shepard has found a partner better than anyone I could have dreamed up for her." 

I don't have a chance to take that in before Chakwas adds, "Garrus, Shepard is happy with you. She's confident and secure, she's safer than at any other time...she's walking on air most days." She adds that last one with a sly smirk that makes my throat heat up. "There is nothing more that people who love Shepard could want for her." Chakwas smiles and squeezes my fingers. "I think it's wonderful you want to marry her, and I'm thrilled you two will have each other." 

"I...thank you," I manage, my voice hoarse. I dare a glance at Anderson, and he's smiling. I need him to say the words. 

"You and Shepard will make each other happy for the rest of your lives," he informs me. "I'm proud to give you my blessing, son." 

The lump in my throat threatens to choke me. I was not emotionally prepared for this, the outcome of the hardest conversation I've ever had to have much better than I thought it would be. This is better than my wildest dreams; I was fully prepared to beg and plead. Instead, I have two of the people I admire most looking at me like they're proud. 

This is even worse than genuine praise. I don't know how to handle this, and I hate the nervous laugh that escapes me. "I...did not expect this," I admit, running my hand back over my fringe. "Thank you, both of you. I'm...you don't know how much this means to me. But you have my word that I'll do everything I can to keep Shepard happy for the rest of our lives." 

"What more could the closest things to parents Shepard has ask for?" Chakwas asks. Her voice cracks, and when she wipes her eyes, I can barely breathe. I'm moving around the table to hug her before I realize it, and Chakwas stands to meet me. "I'm so proud of the man you've become, Garrus," she mutters, holding onto my neck. 

"Thank you." It comes out as a whisper because I don't have the strength for more. 

As we part, Anderson stands and extends a hand. I accept it, and he yanks me into a hug, wrapping one arm around my back and keeping my hand in the other. I return the hug, all the wind knocked out of my lungs even when he's not squeezing. "You're lucky to have found each other. Both of you." 

It's a miracle I'm not wiping my own eyes when he releases me. 

"This went better than I could have hoped for," I admit with a laugh. I thank both of them for coming, for believing in me, and then they let me go. They want to share another round of drinks, and I have a ring to buy. 

I'm hopeless there too, but I'm blessed with backup in this department. Tali and Joker meet me in Zakera Ward, near a ring shop run by humans that should have the sort of thing I'm looking for. I tell them where I just was and what I'm planning to buy, and Tali screams loud enough that a C-Sec agent reaches for his gun before I wave him off. She hugs me so tight I nearly suffocate and sobs inside her mask. Joker is much calmer about it, but I can't tell he's damn excited, too. Well, as excited as Joker gets about anything that isn't a ship or a naked woman. 

Fortunately, Joker actually does have useful information on what humans call engagement rings. Before him, I didn't realize that there was a ring for engagement and then another for marriage. Humans make everything so damn complicated. 

I need a metal for the ring and a gemstone. Diamonds are traditional, so I take that route; I can imagine Shepard's mom having a diamond ring, and I know she'd want something similar. Platinum is a good choice for the band, especially after Tali gives me the idea to have an eezo inlay added. They help me pick a style that will work with combat gloves - which we test on Tali since she has similar sized hands. I think it's perfect, and I think it's going to look amazing on Shepard's little hand. 

And damn I want to put a ring on her. 

"It's beautiful, Garrus," Tali assures me after I pay for the ring and get it into a little black ring box. The diamonds, a larger square one surrounded by several smaller round ones, glitter in the lights. 

"Yeah, I mean, I think marriage is capitalist bullshit but...it's a nice ring. Shep is gonna love it." Joker slaps my shoulder and gives me a grin. "When are you gonna give it to her?"

"I...have no idea," I admit. "I haven't decided whether or not I should wait until after the Omega 4 Relay. I don't think she wants to be engaged for a long time, you know? And if we die going through the damn thing, it's a very long time." 

They laugh with me, though Tali smacks my arm. "She'll say yes no matter when you ask." 

"Thanks, Tali. Really, thank you both for today. I couldn't have pulled the trigger on this without you." Tali hugs me and Joker rolls his eyes. I shove him playfully and warn, "If she hates the ring, I'm blaming you two for it." 

It's a good sign for me that they both accept that, and we leave the jeweler. I want to check where Shepard is, missing her after only a couple hours apart, and then I catch sight of bright red hair in a shop I recognize. It's a sex shop, and a good one. Tali and Joker are both a little too eager to get inside but I hush them and creep up behind Shepard; Gabby, Kelly, and Jack are spread out around the store. 

Shepard is standing in front of a shelf of anal plugs, various shapes and sizes. Some of them are glass, some metal or rubber, and some have pretty designs. Some have tails or pretty gemstones on the very end. Shepard is holding one that is bigger than my fist and has a fuzzy white tail on the end. "Feeling ambitious are we, kid?" 

She yelps and jumps, nearly throwing the damn thing, and spins around to wack me. "Shit, Garrus, you scared me!" 

"That thing should scare you," I quip, motioning to the plug. She quickly drops it back onto the shelf, her cheeks burning bright. I reach past her and play with the tail. "I don't hate this, though. Do you know what pet play is, my love?"

Shepard shakes her head, giving me a wide-eyed look. 

"Look it up," I suggest. I lean down and give her a kiss, lingering for a moment before I force myself away. Thinking of Shepard with all these toys and kissing her will almost definitely be the death of me. "Did you come in here looking for something specific?" 

She laughs and relaxes a little. "Uh, no. Jack is going to a party tonight and wanted something fun for it. I'm, uh...kinda lost in here without you." 

"Hmm." I wrap my arm around Shepard's waist and turn to find Jack. "Hey, freak. What party are you going to tonight?"

She gives me a grin that answers the question for sure. "Oh, you know exactly what party." Shepard tenses immediately, and Jack notices even from across the room. She laughs but waves it off. "I plan on being way too distracted to know what you're doing, Shep, no worries." 

"Thank God," Shepard laughs, leaning into me. "I'm really looking forward to that party but...I don't know about Jack seeing anything that might happen." 

"Fair enough," I laugh, pressing my mouth to the top of her head. "Wanna look around while we're here? Get a massive plug so you can never walk again?"

She smacks me and glances around to make sure no one else heard. Fortunately, we're in a sex shop and everyone is far too distracted to care. Joker and Tali are arguing about what looks like Hanar porn, and Gabby and Kelly are giggling over a Krogan dildo. Jack is at the counter and what she's buying gives me an idea.

"What about a strap on?" I ask softly, leaning down to speak into her ear. "You seemed to like what you did to me the other day." 

"I...I would wear it?" she balks, staring at the racks of leather harnesses across the room. 

I can't help a little laugh, though I never want to make her feel ashamed. "Baby, I'm wearing one without the harness." I can feel her interest when she laughs, so I glance around again and start leading her across the room toward the harnesses. "You think you might be into it?" 

"I...that was fun. And you seemed to like it too," she quips with a grin. 

"Damn right," I growl, leaning down to kiss her quickly. "I loved it. And I wouldn't say no," I nip her ear, "if you wanted to fuck me." 

Shepard makes a sound like a low whimper and then slumps a bit like her legs have gone weak. "Damn, big guy. Yeah, I think I'd like to try that. And maybe I'd like to see someone else take care of that for me tonight." 

Now I'm the one going a little weak, and Shepard laughs before leaning up to plant a kiss on my cheek. 

"I don't know how I feel about buying one in front of the crew, though. Maybe we can just look on the extranet?" 

I agree immediately. It's smart; I appreciate that she's so responsible when I could be tempted to throw her down right here and fuck her senseless. Or let her fuck me. We have something else we need to talk about right now, though. 

"Hey. Come grab a coffee with me, and then I wanna show you something." Shepard gives me a dark look that I laugh at, and then I can't help but kiss her. "I'm crazy about you, you know that?"

She nods, but she doesn't know the half of it, and the box in my pocket suddenly weighs a ton. I ignore it and lead Shepard out of the shop, stopping by a cafe I like before I take her to one of the prettiest gardens on the Presidium. Shepard is thrilled by the alien flowers and small water features; I'm just happy she's holding my hand. We find a bench and sit, Shepard leaning into my side. 

"We need to talk about tonight," I tell her. "And I figured that if we were out in public, I couldn't get distracted by what we're talking about and end up not talking about it at all." 

"Oh, come on, big guy. We both know that if you get worked up enough, being in public won't stop you," she teases. She points to a bench six feet away. "Maybe I should go sit over there." 

"Hush you." I drop a hand to pinch her ass and Shepard jumps, squealing loud enough that an Asari couple turns around. Shepard hides her face in my shirt, giggling in the most contagious way. She calms down and turns a little on the bench, pulling a knee up between us so she can face me. I return the favor and face her, glad we have some privacy. "You should know that the party tonight is for a friend. A...good friend." 

"A...special friend?" she quips, wiggling her brows playfully at me. 

"I hate having to answer yes when you say it like that." She only laughs harder, and I'm relieved she isn't upset. "Tarquin is...well, if we're bringing someone else into bed with us, he'd be pretty damn far up my list of choices." 

Now I see heat bloom in Shepard's eyes and cheeks. "Wow. I assume if you're into him, he has to be hot." 

"He's hot. And I think he's your type." I tap the back of her fingers playfully. "But he's...forward. Very open. We've always flirted a lot, and I think he will right away. So I didn't want that to make you uncomfortable or catch you off guard." 

"I get to watch you flirting with a hot guy?" Shepard gives me the sort of grin that makes me want to do terrible things in public. "I don't have any issues with that. Even better if he wants to flirt with me, too. Grizz...did not seem that way." 

I laugh and shrug one shoulder. "Yeah, Grizz is a lot more vanilla than you'd think. Not that vanilla is bad...but it excludes humans sometimes." I wince and warn her, "There might be some vanilla Turians at the party tonight. There's some in every group, to be honest." 

"So I might get laid, and I might get a chance to punch a racist? This is gonna be great."

This time I can't resist the urge to kiss her, cupping the back of her head and pulling her toward me. Shepard doesn't resist, moaning against my mouth. "Stop that," I warn her. "I will find a place to fuck you on the Citadel, don't test me. I've been thinking about getting inside you at a party all day, I'm way too close to the edge for games." 

Shepard gives me that sweet little giggle of hers and wraps her arms around my neck. "Mmm but I want you to tell me more about tonight." 

"Good because we need to talk more about tonight." I nip her jaw and tug her a little closer, setting our coffee cups behind me. "I want you to think of the whole night like playing. I'm going to ask you to trust me, but you can tell me no or use your safeword if you don't want to try something." Shepard nods, running her mouth down my mandible and torturing me. "Shepard...Spirits, you're trouble. I need to know if you have limits before we go." 

It gets her to stop. For the moment at least. She pulls away enough to look at me. "I don't know how to answer that if I don't know what to expect, though." 

"Okay." I brush her hair behind her ear and tug the lobe lightly. "Let's...start big picture. You've said you want to see me with another man. Do you feel the same way if another woman joins us?"

"I..." Shepard pauses and blinks, giving it real thought which I appreciate. "I feel the same in some ways. Like, it doesn't make me feel insecure because...well, because it's still you. I trust you." My heart skips. "But I gotta say, it doesn't turn me on the same way to think about. It's not so much a fantasy." 

"Fair enough. And thank you for trusting me." She smiles and accepts my kiss, not trying to deepen it this time. "How do you feel about being with other people? We've talked about oral. I've literally had dreams about you telling me you want to teach someone to suck my dick." She laughs, throwing her head back. The sound echoes off the glass walls around the garden and it's never been more beautiful in here. "But really. Are you comfortable having sex with someone else? Man or woman?"

Shepard's laughter dies quickly, but her smile doesn't fade completely. She takes a breath. "I...don't know. I think I'd need to be comfortable with the person first, you know? Before you, my one night stand days were long gone," she laughs. "I need a connection first. Is that okay?"

"Baby, of course, it's okay," I tell her. "I get it." She smiles and rewards me with a kiss for that. I don't deserve it for basic respect, but I'm not stupid enough to turn it down. "It's important you told me that before we went tonight, Shepard, you know that. Now I can make sure you're not put in a position to have to say no. It just won't be on the table. You letting me know means that I can protect you. Do you understand?"

"Yes," she answers firmly. 

"Good. Now, listen. I told you I had a fantasy about you using your mouth on other people." 

"While you spank me and or fuck me, yes, I remember," she breathes, leaning in close again. Spirits. 

"Shepard, I swear I'll fuck you on this bench," I growl at her, getting another sweet giggle from her. "But focus. You don't have to be comfortable with that, you know that, right?"

"I know. And...I'm not sure if I am. Is that okay? Can I...play it by ear?"

"Of course," I promise her. "You can play everything by ear. I have no expectations other than seeing some friends, showing you off - fully clothed - and taking you home after. Anything else is a bonus." I smile and add, "And starting our first Christmas Eve together tomorrow morning." 

Shepard's entire face lights up, the way that it has every time she sees a calendar or any mention of Christmas for the last few days. And she has no idea how much there is to be excited about. Well, at least I hope not, not yet.

"Hey, we should get a hotel tomorrow night," she breathes, grazing my fringe with her fingers. "Somewhere nice, just me and you, wake up on Christmas morning together..." 

"Mmm that sounds amazing," I tell her, even while I'm sure that's not what we'll be doing. "I'll book it." She smiles and kisses me, just briefly, but it's enough. It snaps the remainder of my control. When a glance around assures me that we're alone, I slip my hand under her shirt. "I'm so glad you changed," I purr against her throat. 

"Me, too," she breathes, pressing closer. She's all but climbing into my lap now. "Ever since you took me while we were both wearing our armor..." She nips my mandible. "I've wanted to ride you, completely naked, while you're wearing your armor." 

"Oh, fuck, Shepard. I love when this naughty, slutty part of you pops up." I melt into the kiss and Shepard returns it, our tongues exploring one another's mouths. I have to hold her hands to keep myself from touching more of her, and we both have to stop when we start panting. Her eyes are heavily lidded, I smell her arousal...the whole thing is torture. "I'm gonna need several cold showers before the party at this rate." 

Shepard laughs but takes mercy on me and moves away a little. "We both know you wanna do several hours of cold calibrations before we go," she teases. "If that doesn't kill a hard-on, I don't know what will." 

"You would be terrified if you knew the way calibrating that giant ass gun turns me on, Shepard," I inform her, collecting our cups and following her when she stands. "Why do you think I spend all that time on it?" 

"That explains so much," she teases, elbowing me. I tuck her under my arm as we head back out of the gardens and toward the ship. It still amazes me to have her like this in public. Everyone who sees us knows that we're an us. Today, I got approval to marry this woman. Tonight, Shepard is coming to a party where I'll get to really show her off. And tomorrow, I get to give Shepard the sort of Christmas I've wanted to have with her for three years. 

*****

I've never appreciated Kasumi more than when I need a dress for a party where I'm potentially getting pretty naked in front of strangers who will also be naked. She has the perfect thing in her closet - impressively stuffed for someone who literally had no bags when I met her. The dress is strapless, black, and skin tight...but not so tight that Garrus couldn't shove it up around my hips or down below my breasts. 

Maybe it should freak me out to think about him doing those things at a party. A few years ago, it definitely would have. But Garrus makes me feel sexy, and I don't hate being seen that way. Talking to Jack about the party helps, too. 

"It's not like you see in porn, everyone fucking each other all crazy," she says, waving her hand dismissively. "It'll be like a normal party, dancing and drinking and whatever. And then...people start pairing off. Or grouping off." 

"Okay but other people can just like...join you?"

She turns to give me a look. "Would Garrus let other people just like join you? He's your Dom, he'll handle all that. All you gotta do is enjoy yourself." She smirks and adds, "And the more Turians you let join, the more you'll enjoy it. Believe me." 

"God, Jack, you are like a porn." She laughs and gives me an obnoxious wink. "Listen. Promise me you'll try to...not be near me." 

Jack just laughs and winks, leaving me sitting in Mess Hall alone and wondering how seriously to take her about anything at all. No time to worry about it now, though. I have a party to get ready for.  
I'm shallow enough to spend extra time in the shower and on my hair. I want to look good, and I'm not ashamed of it. I especially want to look good for Garrus; granted, I think he finds me sexy no matter how I look. But I'm well aware of how attractive he is and the way other people notice him. It's ridiculous, I know, but I hate the thought of people looking at Garrus and wondering why he's with me. 

My stomach cramps at the thought, and if I continue thinking about it, I'm going to back out tonight. I don't want that. I want to go to the party. 

The benefit of being aware of how sexy Garrus is? He's mine. People want him, and I have him. If I can stay out of my own head, like when we're on the ship and not around strangers, I enjoy showing him off as mine. I'm also not ashamed of wanting other people to be jealous of me. 

The dress is going to help. I love the way I feel it in. The only scars and marks visible on me anymore are the ones Garrus has put there, and I love those. The ruched fabric accentuates my hips, and even braless, it does great things for my cleavage. Kasumi would scold me and say that my cleavage does great things for the dress. She's a damn blessing. 

Kasumi also demanded that Garrus get dressed in the Main Battery so I can surprise him. I agreed because I knew neither of us would get completely dressed if we were together, since we've been worked up about each other all day. And maybe now I like the idea of surprising him. I don't like the idea of how many people are in the Mess Hall when the elevator doors open, though. Suddenly I feel less stable on my heels. 

The sound of Garrus's chocolately laugh gives me enough courage to leave the elevator and head to meet the firing squad. 

Hadley spots me first, and it's pretty damn gratifying to see his jaw drop. He elbows Hawthorne, beside him, who cheers, "Hot damn, Commander!"

That, of course, brings everyone else's attention to me. I would run from that...except for the look on Garrus's face when he turns. His blue eyes go wider than I've ever seen them, and his mandibles flare. I can't hear anyone else in the room with the way his focus centers on me, and when his tongue sneaks out to touch his mandible as if he's thinking about tasting me, I nearly melt right there in Mess Hall.  
Garrus puts a hand to his chest and rubs, shaking his head, and his hand curls around the dog tags I know are under his shirt. 

And as good as he looks in that shirt, I cannot wait to take it off of him. More form fitting than his normal casual wear, it shows off his ripped form, and the dark color makes his clan marking and eyes pop. He's gorgeous. I want to get him naked with my teeth. And I can see the same thought flashing through his mind. 

I almost startle when Tali grabs my hands. I'd forgotten anyone else was in the room. "Shepard! You look amazing!" 

"Thank you," I manage, my cheeks burning. "I kinda feel naked." 

"We wish," Joker quips. "Almost forgot you were a girl under the armor, Shep!" 

"I have a pistol up my skirt and will show you just how much of a girl I am with it," I inform the mouthy pilot. A hand grabs my ass firmly, making me jump and yelp, and I nearly swing until Jack throws an arm around my shoulder. "You nearly got smacked." 

"I like that kind of thing," she retorts. 

Everyone on my ship is mouthy. 

Jack gives me an appraising look and then grins at Garrus. "Bet you can't wait to show her off." 

The crew thinks we're just going to a party. What they do or don't believe about Turian parties is something none of us has chosen to talk about or address. Garrus hasn't answered any questions, and I know Jack prefers to just stoke the mystery. I can believe no one on the crew knows I'm going to an orgy, and even if they did...another glance at Garrus, and I wonder if I'd care. 

"Vakarian are you speechless?" Matthews teases, elbowing him. "I never thought I'd see such a thing." 

"No, I have things to say," Garrus notes. "But none of them are appropriate for the public." 

The laughter gets my cheeks hotter, but Garrus is sending a lot of that heat between my legs. "Can we please get going?" I ask, concerned that I'll cause or scene or combust if we stay. But I'm still a Commander and orders still need to be made. I force on my mask. "We're on leave for a couple days, you know when to be back. Same rules as always: no strangers on the ship, don't get arrested. If you call me, it better be important. I'll be back on the ship tonight." 

"Or tomorrow morning," Garrus counters, winking at me. 

"Make it tomorrow morning," Tali stage whispers. Then she grabs my ass, too! Either the crew has already started drinking or this dress really is impressive. Either way, I need to leave before someone who could get punched for it touches me. 

Garrus takes mercy on me and gets us on the way, wrapping an arm around my shoulder as the crew says bye. His talon's drag down my arm and sends a shudder down my spine. He also wraps an arm around Jack, but that one looks more like a headlock. Jack doesn't seem to mind, though she does punch him in the gut as we step through the airlock. 

"I'm meeting Quin on the docks," Jack tells us, punching me playfully in the shoulder. "I'll see you guys there?" 

We say goodbye to her for now and separate, Garrus taking me to a rapid transit station instead of the elevator through C-Sec Academy we almost always use here. I'm grateful for it; I don't particularly want to talk shop tonight, and I'd have to be Commander Shepard at C-Sec. I don't think Garrus wants to be professional either, especially judging by how close he pulls me as we walk. 

"Kid, you know I think you're sexy all the time," he begins, ducking his head to speak softly. It's getting to be late in the evening, but the docks on the Citadel are always crowded. "But baby tonight...shit. You look amazing." 

"Well, I have to impress if I'm gonna be on the arm of the most gorgeous guy on the Citadel," I tease, leaning into him. Garrus makes a soft humming sound and slides his hand down to my waist as we reach the rapid transit. "Don't get yourself started already. We have to at least get to the party before you have any shot at getting me naked." 

"Oh, baby. If I wanna get you naked, we both know I'll do it," he growls. He tugs me closer and then looks down at me with almost tangible heat in his eyes. "Isn't that right?"

My mouth goes dry. So much that it's almost hard to respond, "Yes, sir." 

"Good girl," he purrs, rewarding me for it with a kiss. The rapid transit arrives, and I manage to get in on shaking legs. Garrus follows and pulls me close again as soon as we're inside. "You don't seem as nervous as I'd worried you would be." 

"I'm not as nervous as I thought I'd be," I admit. "I'm getting pretty excited about it, honestly. At the very least, I get a night to hang out with you, maybe even make out with you. At most...I get more than that." Garrus smirks and kisses me softly. "Are you nervous?"

He frowns. "Why would I be nervous?" 

"I don't know, I...well, some of your friends might not like me." 

"Shepard, we both know I don't give a shit if people don't like you," he notes, giving me a dark look. Considering the fact that his father isn't even answering his calls and it hasn't bothered Garrus more than pissing him off, I don't doubt that. "And outside of the racist or two we might not be able to avoid, I'm not worried. People like you. With good reason." 

"Whatever you say," I laugh, rolling my eyes. Garrus returns the gesture, and I laugh. "Okay, fine! You're not worried. Always my rock." I press a quick kiss to his mouth and then nip his mandible. 

The rapid transit stops on Zakera Ward, and Garrus gets out first before offering me a hand so I can stay stable on the heels. "I'm glad you're excited," he says as we start walking, pulling me close again. I appreciate that more now that I have strangers looking at me; that's a lot less fun than the crew and my friends. "It's just like any other party, except we're playing even before the play starts." 

"Do you want me to call you sir all night?"

Garrus considers it for a moment. "I don't think you need it for the mindset, not all the time. So it's your call. Unless and until we start getting naked." 

"Deal," I laugh, wrapping an arm around his waist and laughing with him. Garrus leads us into an apartment building and the elevator. He checks the address on his Omni-Tool, though we would have figured it out by the music and voices before the elevator doors even open. And when they do open, we find that the party is in the hallway and involves several apartments, judging by all the open doors. 

Garrus is massive and easily parts crowds, so I'm glad I get to stick close to him. He casually greets a few people but has an aim, and leads me into one of the open apartments. Immediately, I get the relief of familiar faces greeting us. Orbin and Luc approach and offer hugs to both of us, which I accept gratefully. "Where's Thera?" Garrus asks, scanning the room. 

"Ah, she wasn't feeling well enough," Orbin answers, his voice tinged with sadness. "She's nearing end-stage pregnancy so I set her up with a bunch of snack foods and vids, got a babysitter, and put her in bed. I'm planning to leave early and join her, honestly." 

"Can't say I blame you," Garrus laughs, pulling me back into his arms as soon as the hugs are done. "Hey, where's Tarq?"

Luc gives a low chuckle that says much more than it doesn't. So everyone knows that Tarquin and my boyfriend have - or had - a thing. I cannot wait to meet this guy. They direct us to the kitchen, and Garrus leads us there through the crowd. We're stopped by a couple other Turians who have Asari girlfriends. I can't remember all their names, but Garrus introduces me as his and that's more than enough. 

"I like this apartment," I note as we head toward the kitchen again. It's a lot bigger than Garrus's apartment on the Citadel was, and while Garrus's place was spartan and clearly just a bachelor pad, this place is high class. And no one in the apartment is naked or making out yet, which is putting me at ease. 

In the kitchen, I can spot Tarquin with no effort. Garrus zeroes in on him, his shoulders shifting immediately. And I can't blame him. Tall - if still a head shorter than Garrus - and built with lean muscle, Tarquin is very handsome with light brown plates and white markings that cover most of his face. He's wearing gray and red and damn is he wearing it. 

Tarquin is laughing with someone else, and Garrus touches his shoulder as we approach behind him. He's smiling when he turns, but Tarquin's smile all but explodes when he gets a look at Garrus. "Oh, please tell me you're my birthday present," he purrs, light grey eyes scanning Garrus head to toe. There's enough heat in the gaze that I can feel it by proxy. 

"Shut up and come here." Garrus squeezes my hand and then releases it, pulling Tarquin to him by the back of his head. Tarquin doesn't resist, moving immediately into Garrus. They don't bump foreheads, but Tarquin tucks his face into Garrus's neck. Garrus breaks the hug by pulling Tarquin back by his fringe too, and Tarquin lets Garrus pull him back enough to expose his throat. I know what this is; Garrus is asserting himself as dominant, and Tarquin is submitting. Happily, judging by the smile. 

"Wasn't sure you'd be around," Tarquin murmurs as Garrus releases him. I don't miss that Garrus grazes Tarquin's waist before his hand falls away. 

"Wouldn't miss it," Garrus replies, bringing that hand back to me immediately. He slips his arm around me, his hand landing very firmly on my waist instead of just grazing it. "I had to introduce you to my girl. Tarquin, this is Elle Shepard. Baby, this is Tarquin Victus." 

"Hi," I offer, extending a hand to him. "It's nice to meet you." 

Tarquin unleashes one hell of a charming smile on me. "Oh, yeah, I'd heard something about this. The pleasure is all mine, Commander," he replies, warning me politely that he knows who I am. I'll never decide if that's a good thing or not. Tarquin nods at Garrus and says, "I was surprised when people said you were settling down, but now I understand." 

"Mmhmm and you don't know the half of it," Garrus murmurs, tugging me closer. My cheeks heat, and I wrap my arms around him to ground myself. Normally I would hate being talked about like that, especially right in front of me, but considering the source - and the source's very hot friend - I'm not sad. 

Tarquin scans me, eyes stopping on my chest and then on Garrus's hand, and then he shakes it off. "Hey, let me get you guys a couple drinks." 

My stomach flops a little; we didn't talk about drinking. Garrus turns to lean against the counter, pulling me in front of him and sliding his hands over my hips. "Hey, just water for me, Tarq," he calls to Tarq who nods from the fridge. Garrus then drops his head beside mine so that he can speak into my ear. "One or two beers, that's it. Sober consent, got it?"

"Got it." I turn my head to kiss his mandible. "You were right about him." 

Garrus's smirks, a spark coming to life in his eyes. He kisses me, nipping my lower lip quickly. "Hey, I didn't know we were starting," a familiar voice teases. Jack comes into the kitchen with Garrus's friend Quin, his arm over her shoulder. She looks smaller than usual, this close to a Turian, but I don't doubt for a second that she could have Quin on the floor and broken in seconds. 

Tarquin hands me a beer and gives Garrus a bottle of water before standing beside us. Close. He's wearing a cologne, and it's fantastic. 

Garrus was right that this is just like any other party. We talk to friends, laugh a lot, and drink a little. I start to get a little anxious when Orbin leaves, knowing that he planned to leave before it got...late. But I'm put at ease when Garrus gets a little handsier, holding me tight against him, grazing my breasts, and gripping my hips. And then someone pulls out a datapad with something about a new Sky Car, and Garrus has to shift away to look. He's still touching me, but somehow I feel exposed. Maybe because there are definitely people here giving me less-than-polite looks. 

"Hey, pretty lady." Tarquin leans his elbow on the counter so he's closer to my height and facing me, giving me his complete attention. It's kind of a heady thing, exactly like when I gain Garrus's focus while we're in public. Granted, Garrus making a point of rubbing my knuckles while he's focused on something else is enough. "Why do you look nervous? Haven't you fought like every scary thing in the galaxy?" 

I laugh and roll my eyes at him. "I am not nervous. I'm just wondering if I'll end up fighting the scary racists in your apartment." 

"Ah, yeah. And they were all brought by other people so..." He looks at me for a moment and then shakes his head. "No, that's not an excuse. I'm gonna throw 'em out. Come on, you can be my backup." He starts to march away. 

"Wait!" I protest with a laugh, catching his arm and pulling him back. He definitely stands closer than needed when he comes back, but I don't much mind. "We aren't starting a fight at your party. I don't really care that much, I swear." 

Tarquin grins. "It's hard to care who's looking with that guy on your arm, huh?" He motions with his head to Garrus and then plants one hand on the counter beside me. It's not quite trapping me, and he's not close enough to force my head back so that I submit to him, but the message is here. He wants to be near me...and I like having him here. 

"You're not wrong," I agree, glancing at Garrus. Almost like he can feel it, Garrus turns toward me again. His grin grows when his gaze shifts between me and Tarquin, and then he turns back to us completely. 

"Making friends, my love?" he asks, leaning down to nip my throat. It's harder than usual, and definitely staking his claim. It sends a hot bolt of arousal right to my clit...right in front of two Turians who can probably smell it. 

I clear my throat and force myself not to be completely useless. A look at Tarquin licking his mandible when he gazes at Garrus definitely boosts my confidence. "Yeah, I think I am. I hope so anyway." 

"Oh, me too, pretty lady," Tarquin breathes. 

Garrus makes a thoughtful noise, and I can tell he's pleased. So am I. I wasn't sure I couldn't get turned on at a party like this, not with the pressure. But right now, I want nothing more than Garrus's hands on me. And maybe Tarquin's hands could join in, too. 

Proving yet again that he can read my mind, Garrus leads me to a couch near the end of the room a short while later. "Having fun?" he asks, sitting close. He turns toward me with one arm over the back of the couch and sets his other hand down on my knee. 

"I am," I answer. "You were right, there's..." A couple against the wall is getting a little hot and heavy. Beyond them, another couple in the hallway is already past just hot and heavy. A scan around the room tells me that the mood has definitely shifted. This has become a different sort of party. My nerves skyrocket...right along with my arousal. That's intensely confusing. "Nothing to worry about," I mutter, finally finishing my own sentence. 

Garrus chuckles softly and leans forward, grazing his mouth along my jaw. "There's still nothing to be worried about," he purrs. "We can leave right now if you'd like. I'd be thrilled to take you home, get you on your hands and knees, and fuck you until you pass out." He punctuates that with a growl and a hard nip to my throat. It sends my temperature soaring, and I cling to his carapace. "Or...we can stay. All you have to do is kiss me." 

His mouth grazes mine, and I don't let him go away. Garrus's tongue is an excellent distraction, and his kissing skills never fail to impress me. Or arouse me, and that's not hard after all the teasing and torture today. It feels like seconds before I'm panting against his mouth and Garrus is pushing his hand further and further up my thigh. His talon graze the sensitive skin inside my thighs, and I shudder. He smirks against my lips, the cocky bastard, so I return the favor with my hand on his thigh. 

Garrus is rock hard, his erection straining at his pants. When I press my hand to it, Garrus growls and grips my wrist. "Okay, let's go if we're going to. Getting home like this is about to get very, very difficult." 

He's giving me a clear way out. I could easily take it, go home with Garrus, and get laid spectacularly. But I'm torn. I...part of me wanted this. Still wants this. 

And then Garrus looks up. I follow his gaze to find Tarquin, nearby but not imposing. Definitely hoping for an invitation. 

I look back to Garrus, decision made, and tell him, "I don't want to leave." 

"That's my girl," he purrs. Garrus pulls me in to kiss him again, his hand in my hair, and I feel his other hand leave my thigh for a moment before it returns. A couple seconds later, and a hot presence is at my back. I know without looking that it's Tarquin, and my heart starts fluttering around in my chest. The first time Tarquin touches me, his hand on my shoulders, I almost jump. My instincts want to push him away. But Garrus deepening our kiss keeps me relaxed, and knowing that he brought Tarquin in makes me feel safe. 

And I want this. I want to fulfill Garrus's fantasies and mine, starting here and now. 

Garrus drags his mouth to my throat, and I feel Tarquin's mouth meeting the back of my shoulders. Two hot mouths, two rough tongues, strong hands trailing my arms and my waist. It's nearly dizzying. And then Garrus guides me to lean back, against Tarquin's chest. Tarq licks and nips up my jaw, more cautious than Garrus but still damn talented. 

Garrus is in front of me, dragging his tongue down my sternum. He licks across the top of my cleavage, his hands tugging my nipples through the fabric. I feel him start to lower my dress, slow enough that I could protest. And I want to for about half a second until Tarq tugs on my earlobe with his teeth. I reach back to rub under his fringe, just like Garrus likes, and find that Tarq likes it just as much. He rewards me with his teeth scoring my throat. 

My spine arches when Garrus lashes my nipple with his tongue. I do my best not to cry not, not in a room full of people, but I can’t help the moan.

“Damn,” Tarquin growls. His eyes are trained on my body, and my head spins knowing I can make him react, too.

Garrus looks up at me, hands groping my breasts roughly. “He’s right. You look incredible, baby.”

“Mmhmm.” Tarquin slides his hands over my ribs and cups my breasts, taking them from Garrus’s hands. I half expect Garrus to react until Tarq lifts and presents me to him, Garrus grinning and leaning down to resume his work on my nipples. Tarq goes back to my neck and with both of them, it’s almost sensory overload.

When I gasp out his name, Garrus leans up to kiss me. I can feel his urgency, his passion, even before he shifts to let me feel his erection...which he's already taken out of his pants. Holy shit, everyone in this room can see my boyfriend's dick. 

My boyfriend's big, thick, beautiful dick. The one that is mine. 

I melt into Garrus's kiss, panting when he pulls away. I lose my breath completely when he turns to Tarquin, licking the other man's mandible and then biting his throat. Tarquin growls and grips Garrus's waist, tilting his head back to give Garrus access. Watching Garrus turn another man on this way...damn. 

I reach down for Garrus's cock only to meet Tarquin's hand on the way. We both hesitate, and I tilt my head to catch his gaze. Garrus chuckles, easing the tension instantly. He nips Tarquin's mandible and kisses me briefly. "Why don't you take care of that properly?" he growls, shoving his hand into my hair and grabbing a fistful as he gets off the couch and stands. He pulls me off the couch too but pushes me right onto my knees. "Hmm...I think Tarquin needs to be taken care of, too." 

Tarquin is still sitting on the couch, eyes firmly on Garrus's cock and hand rubbing his erection through his pants. When he catches my gaze, Tarquin manages a charming smirk even though I can see how flushed he is. "You look damn good like that too, Shepard," he purrs. 

"I could say the same to you," I reply, eyeing the bulge in his pants. 

He grins and Garrus growls, tugging my hair to make me look up at him. "You think you can handle both of us, my love? Let Tarquin feel how amazing this mouth is?" He rubs my bottom lip roughly, then shoves his thumb through my lips. His voice drops even deeper and he growls, "How much cum can you swallow, Elle?"

My heart stutters, knowing other people can hear him talk to me like this. It makes me feel vulnerable, exposed...desired. Wanted. Sexy. 

I force myself to meet Garrus's gaze and swallow. "As much as you tell me to, sir." 

"That's my girl." He motions to Tarq who gets on his feet in a flash, his cock out and pants around his ankles seconds later. Kneeling between them, I feel smaller than ever. I also feel a little shy. I mean...is this really okay? A glance around assures me that it is. 

At the other end of the large couch, a Turian woman is bent in half with another Turian drilling her from behind. Over the back of the couch and nuzzling that woman affectionately is another Turian guy who is getting his own drilling. Past them and with a scan of the room, I see couples of two, three, or more Turian and Asari in various stages of undress and diverse sexual positions. The room is full of moaning and growling, plates slapping skin or plates. And no one else is using their mouth the way I'm going to. 

I can see a few people, including the Turian woman on the couch - looking at us, watching and waiting to see what I'll do. Jack isn't in immediate view, so as far as I can see, I'm the only person in the area able to do this. Instead of feeling like the human freak no one understands Garrus's attraction to, I feel empowered to show them exactly what I can give him. 

I take Garrus's cock in my hand first, gripping the base and squeezing. I then do the same for Tarquin. His cock is attractive, too - a Turian trait, I suppose. I definitely have a preference, though. I can wrap my hand completely around Tarquin, at least enough to join my thumb and forefinger, and it's something of a relief. If he were even bigger than Garrus, I might not be able to handle it. 

Tarquin exhales slowly, a low moan, when I stroke his length, keeping a firm grip. I let him continue to enjoy that and turn back to Garrus, flicking my tongue to catch the bead of precum leaking from the head of his shaft. Both of them growl, and Garrus moans when I take him in my mouth. He grins down at me, letting me work him with my lips and tongue, holding my head without controlling me. I feel Tarquin shift restlessly and make eye contact with Garrus, hoping he can read the question. I need to know if he's really okay with this. 

"Go ahead, baby," he breathes. "Make me proud." 

And now I have real purpose. 

I know this is Tarquin's first blow job from the look on his face; I remember when it was Garrus looking at me like that. And he jumps just like Garrus did when I kiss the head of his cock. I give Tarquin a grin and take his cock into my mouth. The taste is surprising at first, not as sweet as Garrus's but still pleasant. His head falls back, and his entire body shudders...and I've barely gotten started. 

Garrus takes told of my hair, pulling me back toward him and then thrusting through my lips. He presses into the back of my throat, holding til just before he knows I'm going to gag, and then pulls me off again. This time he directs me onto Tarquin, pushing my head down his friend's cock. Tarquin nearly whimpers when he presses into my throat. Garrus lets me go, satisfied that he's in control, and I take turns between them. Tarquin reaches for Garrus, his voice needy, and Garrus starts nibbling down his throat. 

They're standing closer together now, letting me switch easily between their cocks. Garrus yanks Tarquin even closer, and I watch Garrus's tongue trail a hot line up Tarquin's throat before I bring their cocks together between my hands, letting them slide against one another while I stroke them as one. Both men look down at me, Garrus growling and Tarquin panting. I can tell Tarq is close, his hips restless. 

Garrus runs a hand over Tarquin's fringe. "You wanna cum in my girl's throat?" 

He moans, shuddering from head to toe, his eyes blazing on mine. He nods and looks up at Garrus. "Yes, please, Daddy." 

Oh, shit. 

Garrus gives me a wink and a nod, and I'm instantly desperate to obey him. And just as desperate to make Tarquin cum. He's gentle, he's sexy, he's charming...he's begging for me with soft growls and clinging to my man. I take him as deep as I can, my nose grazing his groin plates, and Tarquin cries my name, muffled by his mouth on Garrus's neck. His cries become sharper, more unintelligible, and I lock gazes with Garrus just when Tarquin starts to spill into my mouth and throat. 

"Fuck," he whispers when his orgasm releases him, and I let him out of my mouth, swallowing the rest of his load. "She really is incredible," he breathes. 

"I know," Garrus replies. I can see the pride all over his face. He's proud of me for making another man cum, for swallowing his seed. And I'm pretty proud of myself when I was scared to even come here. But I'm really proud of myself for making him smile at me like that. Garrus's smile grows. "Just wait until you taste her. Come here, baby." 

I accept his hand, and then Tarquin's. They help me up from the floor, both of them staying close and holding me. Both of them. Garrus's hand slips over my ass and he leans down to kiss me. It's Tarquin and I moaning now, aware that Garrus is tasting Tarquin in my mouth. Tarquin's hand brushes my hair back and he leans down as well, nipping my shoulder. It's good...it's how I need to be treated after that. 

"Hey." I look up at Garrus, his expression hot and fond. My favorite. He slips one hand up my arm and wraps it around my throat, squeezing just a little. "I love the way it feels when you cum while I'm inside you. I wanna fuck you, get deep inside you, and I want you to let Tarquin lick your clit until you're cumming over and over and over again." 

"Jesus," I mutter, slumping against him when a wave of arousal hits me hard. Tarquin growls from behind me and presses close behind me. I can feel his hard plates, his erection. God, Turian stamina is a gift. 

Tarquin leans down and nuzzles my ear very briefly; he's not willing to leave too much of his scent on me. "I'd love to know how you taste, Shepard," he growls, hands slipping around my waist while Garrus cups my ass. 

"Yes," I tell them, both of them. 

"Good girl," Garrus breathes, kissing me once more. He keeps hold of me, bringing me between his legs while he sits back down the couch, kicking off his pants completely. "Tarq, take her dress the rest of the way off. Elle, arms up." 

I raise my arms over my head. Tarquin is just as obedient, sliding his hands all the way up my sides and dragging the dress with it. He drops it on top of Garrus's pants, over the arm of the couch. I'm naked in a room full of people. Not a single one of them is focused on us now, though; they all have their own pleasure to chase, and I'm not going to let them distract me from mine. 

Garrus leans forward to handle my panties, a barely there thong. He takes each side like he's going to pull them down, and then he smiles up at me before shredding both sides. "I'm going to run out of them," I warn him, unable to hide my smile. 

"Ah, you've caught onto my grand plan," he teases, leaning forward to nip my stomach. I love that he's so normal, that even in front of other people, Garrus is playful and intimate and mine. He's also very much in charge. "Turn around." 

I do, grinning up at Tarquin when he manages to pull his eyes off my tits. He returns the grin and shrugs one shoulder, trying for innocent and failing. Garrus made an excellent call on moving this guy to the top of his list. 

"Come here." Garrus takes my hips and pulls me back toward him. His fingers dip inside me, testing me and making me gasp, and he growls when he finds me soaking wet. I feel his cock press against me, and then Garrus guides me onto his shaft until I'm sitting on his lap with Garrus fully sheathed inside me. "Damn, I needed this. Wanted you so badly all day," he moans, cupping my breasts and guiding me to lean back against him. 

"Garrus," I gasp, the pressure with the angle too much for a moment. I have to roll my hips to adjust, Garrus giving me a moment and gripping my thighs while he licks and nips across my shoulders.  
Tarquin stands in front of us, stroking his cock slowly, watching where Garrus and I are joined. 

I roll my hips against Garrus, for Tarquin. "Show him, baby," Garrus whispers into my ears. He puts his feet between mine and guides my legs apart. I reach between my legs and spread my lips, lifting slowly on Garrus's cock and letting Tarquin where Garrus disappears inside me. He sinks to his knees in front of me, hands sliding over my thighs. One man inside me and another in front of me, all but salivating for me. I've never felt so wanted, so needed.

"Same idea?" Tarquin asks. 

I frown, but Garrus answers, "Watch your teeth." 

My confusion fades when Tarquin shifts and I see a Turian woman with a man's face buried between her thighs on the kitchen table. Oh. Garrus is exceptional with his tongue because he's experienced with it, and apparently it's not all that different between species. 

Tarquin likes Garrus's answer...and I like Tarquin's enthusiasm. He licks a hot line, catching Garrus's dick and then up to swirl around my clit. There's a second where he pauses, and then he growls and gets to work like he's starved. 

I realize that Garrus has been holding back, waiting, and now he doesn't have to anymore. Suddenly, they're both eagerly fucking me, one with a long and hot tongue, the other with a thick and long cock. I reach behind me to cling to Garrus and forward to hold Tarquin's fringe, and do my best not to scream. "Don't fight it," Garrus murmurs into my ear. "I want you cumming as many times as you can, baby; I wanna feel you milking my cock. Tell me how his tongue feels." 

Tarquin moans, his tongue pressing harder against my clit and lashing mercilessly. 

"So good, sir. He’s so good," I moan. It feels almost like a confession, like a dirty thing to admit that another man is getting me hot. Even dirtier to rub under Tarq's fringe to encourage him, to turn him on in exchange. 

Of course, Garrus can read my mind. 

"Yeah? You like that, another man tasting that perfect pussy of yours while my cock is deep inside you? Such a slut." He nips me ear. "My beautiful, beautiful slut." 

Garrus shifts a little, getting leverage to pump his hips up into me. A sniper's aim, he hits the right spot with every stroke. Tarquin starts tugging Garrus's quad, making both of them more excited, and the combined effort shatters me. I might scream; I have no idea because I nearly black out. And then they keep going, neither of them relenting until I have a second and then a third orgasm, the final one leaving me a puddle on Garrus's lap. 

"You've got more in you for me, don't you, baby? Up." The order is for both of us, me and Tarquin, but I don't have the mental capacity to respond to it. Garrus doesn't wait, standing and taking me with him. He plants his hand between my shoulder blades and guides me forward; I find Tarquin's cock right in my face. "I want you stuffed full, like the slut you are, my love. You can fuck her mouth," he tells Tarquin. 

And Tarquin does not hesitate. He holds my head, Garrus gripping my hips, and then I'm being fucked from both ends. I manage to put my hands on Tarqin's thighs for some support, but that's all I can manage. I'm totally at their mercy. 

"Two taps on your thigh is her signal," Garrus says, voice husky and mostly a growl. He's close, and that turns me on even more than my own pleasure. Tarquin says something but I barely hear it, another orgasm dragging me under. Tarquin isn't so thick that it keeps him from getting deep, real deep into my throat. It's an incredible feeling, that awareness I have drool dripping down my chin, then Garrus's seed dripping down my thighs while he holds me up. Tarquin completes the pleasure, cumming down my throat again. 

And then I lose awareness entirely. 

*****

There are a lot of sexy people at this party. Tarquin Victus is easily near the top of the list. He and I have been fucking every chance we got since we were sixteen. He's one of the only people I bothered to try being exclusive with, when he asked me to. It didn't work, it never could have; I didn't have it in me to be serious with anyone before Shepard. 

And Shepard is hands down the sexiest person at the party, if not in the galaxy as a whole. 

I would have been perfectly happy just coming here for a fun night out, my friends getting to hang out with my girl and the two of us getting a night without thinking about Reapers and Geth. But getting this, getting to show Shepard off to anyone looking, getting to share Shepard with Tarquin and vice versa...getting to make Shepard nearly faint from pleasure...

It doesn't get any better than this. 

Shepard collapses, Tarquin's dick coming out of her mouth with a pop. I slip out of her as well and catch her, pulling her into my arms and then onto the couch with me. It's good timing since a look around the room tells me that everyone else is at their collapsing point too. Tarquin leans over me, touching Shepard's shoulder affectionately. He's a good man. "Stay," he breathes, eyes blazing. "Take her to my bedroom...wait for me to clear these heathens outta here." 

I laugh with him. Shepard is coming back to her senses, and she smiles when I look down at her. It's permission. More than that...she wants more. I kiss her in gratitude and then nod to Tarquin. We're not done yet. 

He beams a smile at me and taps Shepard playfully on the nose before turning away. I grab our clothes and scoop Shepard up. Everyone else is too far gone to see us go, but I make a point of checking on Jack before ducking into the bedroom. She's got Quin in her ass still, both of them coming down from a high, safe and happy. 

"How you holding up, gorgeous?" I check, bringing Shepard to Tarquin's bed and pulling the blankets down so I can keep both of us warm. She snuggles into me immediately, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing my throat. It gets heat rushing to my cock again, making sure the thing isn't going anywhere right now. "Damn, that good, huh?"

She nods and moans against my mouth. "You're even sexier with two of us fawning all over your dick," she whispers. 

"Tarquin has joined me in fawning all over you...and with good reason," I reply, kissing her again. "You've been incredible today." I grasp the back of her knee and pull her leg over my hip. I want to be close to her, as close as I can get and however she'll let me. I told her once that everytime we do this, we get closer, we become more. And everytime, I think we couldn't possibly be any closer. 

Until the next time. I swear I could drown in her, never come up for air again.  
"I..." 

The words freeze in my mouth. They always do. I want to tell her, I want her to know. But I can't. And especially not here, not now. But she's waiting for something, emerald eyes flashing between mine.  
"I can't wait to have Christmas with you." At least it's equally honest. "There's no way your gift for me tops my gift for you." I'm careful to keep the word singular. 

Shepard laughs, easily buying my cover. She trusts me. That makes me feel guilty as hell at the moment. "My gift kicks your gifts ass; I don't even need to know what you got me to know." She gives me a snarky little grin and asks, "What did you get me?"

"Please, do you think I became a chump overnight?" 

"A girl can hope," she laughs. "But you wanna give me a gift right now?" I lift my brow, eyeing her and curious. I love the way her mind works...especially when she's naked. Or shooting at an enemy. "I think I could use a break...sit out a round." 

"Oh, so a round will be happening? And, uh, what do you see happening in that dirty little mind of yours?"

She smirks at me, just as the door opens and Tarquin walks in. He's still naked, as expected, but he's not hard anymore. It would probably have been rude to say goodbye to his guests with a hard on. Even if I really like his hard on. Shepard likes it, too. 

"Started without me?" he asks, teasing but eager. He wants in this bed. 

"Come here," I order, motioning to the other side of me from Shepard. It feels a little weird to move away from her in bed, even if she's not going anywhere. Knowing that Shepard wants this, that she wants me to do this and wants to watch, gets me just as excited as Tarquin crawling into bed with me. He wants to reach for me, but he won't. He knows better. 

I catch him by the fringe and pull him close, Tarquin exposing his throat exactly as he should. I dive in for a taste, scraping my teeth along him enough to leave very temporary marks. There's only one person who will have my mark permanently...and she's watching me very closely right now. 

Tarquin moans, playfully grabbing at my cock when I roll to bring him under me. I catch his hand and pin it down above his head; he resists a little, but not enough for a full fight. Not this close to a human who might read it wrong or get hurt. Not that Shepard couldn't take both of us. Besides it's been a little while for us, and we were always good together. I love that Shepard will get to see that. 

I pin Tarquin's other hand over his head and arch my hips into his, my cock sliding over his rapidly opening plates. I nuzzle the side of his face, marking him with my scent, and release his wrists so I can slide down further and kiss his throat. I nearly laugh when I realize I'm thinking of it as kissing now; Turians don't kiss. I nip his throat, allowing myself to bite harder than I've been able to in a while. A tough Turian throat can take it. Tarquin squirms and groans, gripping my waist and scraping his talons on the sensitive skin. 

It feels wonderful, sensation rushing through my body and my cock jumping. He's hard now, and I want him. I want him impaled on my dick and screaming my name. But I miss Shepard already. 

I take hold of Tarquin's cock and slide further down his body, but I look toward Shepard. She's flushed, wide-eyed, watching us intently. She catches my gazes and licks her lips unconsciously. "You can touch yourself if you want, baby," I assure her, nodding. She sighs almost like that's a relief and tugs her nipple with one hand. 

"Please keep going," she whispers.

"I agree," Tarquin moans, thrusting into my hand. "Your girl got me all worked up already, I'm good. Please, Daddy," he whines. I grin at him and squeeze the head of his shaft hard; Shepard shudders when Tarquin moans. 

I kneel between Tarquin's legs and get him to roll over, Tarquin kneeling in front of me and presenting one hell of a vision. "Head down," I tell him. Tarquin gets low, gripping the pillow. He's facing Shepard, and I watch them make eye contact. "Do I need a condom?" 

"No," Tarquin replies, impatiently pushing his hips back into me. It earns him a sharp swat to his ass; he and Shepard both jump. 

I look to Shepard with the same question; if she wants me to wear a condom, I won't argue. Shepard shakes her head, sliding her hand down over her stomach and in between her legs. Damn. That's just as sexy as the man ready for my dick. 

"Let her hear you, Tarq," I tell him, dragging my fingers up the inside of his thigh and down his cock. 

"Spirits, she'll hear me beg in a second," he says almost like it's a warning, arching his spine. "Shepard, please, make him fuck me." 

Shepard laughs, her face lighting up. "You heard the man. Fuck him, big guy." Her eyes are sparkling, and when I look down, I find her fingers working slowly around her clit. She spreads her legs, giving me a better view. 

"Yes, ma'am," I promise. I'd give her anything, and this isn't a lot to ask me for. I press Tarquin's chest to the bed with my hand on his spine and line up his hips, rubbing the head of my cock around Tarquin's tight hole. "You ready?"

"Please," he groans. And that groan escalates sharply in pitch when I press forward, the head of my cock slipping inside him. I give him a moment to adjust but only a moment. I know his body, I know he can handle it. More importantly, I know he wants it. And I give it to him, pushing him down to angle where I can get deep and then fucking him - hard. 

I pull back completely on every stroke and roll my hips, making sure Shepard has a view. Well, as much as possible. It's a little hard to focus with Tarquin's ass squeezing me like a vice and the way he's moaning. Shepard sits up a little, watching with interest obvious on her face. She looks me right in the eyes and asks, "Feel good?"

"Fantastic," I answer. And the way she's looking at me makes it that much more incredible. "Come here." She comes immediately, moving in for a kiss that I happily return, continuing to pump hard into Tarquin. Shepard holds my chest and fringe, moaning into my mouth, while Tarq moans into his pillow and cries out my name. It's heady, having them both so into me. Being so into both of them. 

All of us need more; we all deserve more. I shift, pulling out of Tarquin only long enough to sit back and steady myself. He comes eagerly back down onto my cock and without even needing to be told, Shepard makes a dive for his cock. The guy is instantly overstimulated, throwing his head back and shuddering against me. I can feel his pleasure starting to peak, his ass squeezing me. Over his shoulder, I can see Shepard's head bobbing and her hand stroking him, a soldier dedicated to her work. And it's working really, really well. 

Then I realize she has her hand between her legs and nearly explode right then and there. I pick up the pace, needing the release, and slam my hips up into him, forcing his dick further into Shepard's mouth. Tarquin snarls and throws his head back against my shoulder, then whimpers and explodes. I follow him over the edge, and Shepard is only moments behind, forced to pull off of Tarquin and let him cum all over her chest while she orgasms and I fill his ass. We collapse in a pile of sticky fluids, sweat, and sated bodies. 

Tarquin lands next to me and groans when I pull out, then helps Shepard crawl up between us. She collapses with a bright smile and kisses me firmly, then rests her head on my shoulder and opens her arms to Tarquin who cuddles into her chest. He doesn't nuzzle, doesn't scent mark her; he's a good man. I reach out and cup his fringe fondly, Tarquin looking up at me with a sweet grin. 

"Best birthday ever," he mutters, one arm around Shepard and the other extended past her to hold me. We're both holding him and each other, too. When we laugh, it does interesting things to all of our bodies. 

"Hey, I didn't think Turians celebrated their birthdays!" Shepard notes. 

"We don't," Tarquin and I respond at the same time. We laugh and Shepard gives me a look, so I shrug innocently and hope she doesn't yell at me. I know she's thinking about the first conversation we had about birthdays. Maybe this year I'll make an exception and celebrate with her. "It is actually my birthday if that helps," Tarq notes. 

Shepard laughs. "It does help. Happy Birthday, Tarquin."


	34. Merry Christmas

I wake up in the morning, perfectly warm and extremely cozy. Being this comfortable is extra surprising considering all the hard muscle and plates around me - twice as many as usual. 

I don't remember falling asleep, but I wake up with my head on Garrus's shoulder and one leg draped across his hips. He's holding me close, his face buried in my neck, his soft purrs rumbling through me. Tarquin is at my back, my ass resting in the bowl of his hips, and his head on the back of my shoulder. He's sound asleep too until I shift a little. 

I feel him stir, his hand sliding slowly up my thigh. It's odd for a second, someone other than Garrus touching me. But it's good, too. Tarquin is a good guy. A sexy, funny, respectful guy who is snuggly and tickling my back with his mandible. I feel his grin when I stifle a giggle. "You okay?" he whispers, hand moving up over my waist. "Sleep well?"

"Very." His hand pauses, hesitates, just below my breast. I nuzzle Garrus, waking him up almost instantly, and cover Tarq's hand with mine to guide his palm over my breast. He growls, waking Garrus faster, and then both of them are kissing my neck. "Damn, a girl could get used to this sort of attention." 

"Anytime, baby," Garrus purrs, shifting to work his way down my body, kissing and nipping on the way. Tarquin rocks against my ass as Garrus reaches my hips and licks a hot line between them. In a flash, I'm on my back with Garrus looming over me. He kisses me in the way that makes my head spin, guiding my legs apart to open me up to him. I'm still wet from last night and he's rock hard, so he slides in easily. We both moan when he bottoms out, my body welcoming him eagerly. He rests his forehead against mine, that delicious shiver rushing down my spine, and then Garrus makes a pained moan. 

It almost startles me, concern for him blooming, but then I catch sight of Tarquin behind him. Garrus is fucking me while getting fucked. My head spins, and I cling to Garrus. He kisses me again and then starts to move. He's fucking both of us. 

Watching Garrus get this much pleasure is a rush for me. I watch his face, an absolutely gorgeous mix of pain and pleasure. I lean my head up to kiss his throat, his jaw, his mandibles. I run my hands over his fringe, letting him believe that I'm gentling him, and then I tug hard. I whisper into his ear, "Make us cum, big guy." 

Garrus growls and doesn't disappoint. He buries his face in my throat and starts slamming his hips into me, taking and giving with every stroke. I see Tarquin's hand grip his carapace and it's beyond hot, knowing that Garrus can take this much while managing to fuck me senseless. My spine arches when he hits the perfect spot, and Tarquin must achieve the same because Garrus cries out. He sinks his teeth into my shoulder, and I lose it, everything exploding. I feel Garrus follow me over the edge. Tarquin continuing to stroke inside Garrus a couple more times before he moans loudly and stills, his cock buried deep inside my boyfriend and filling him. The thought is nearly enough to make me cum again. 

We all take some time to settle, laying in one big cuddle puddle. I'm still wobbly when they pull me into a shower, but my legs get strong somehow when I get on my knees for them, both of them. Tarquin finishes on my chest, Garrus in my throat, and then they get me off with their fingers - I'm not sure who is where and I don't care. After, Tarquin takes one look around the trashed apartment and announces that he's buying breakfast. 

I'm not sure I want to know what people think when they see me in a restaurant for breakfast wearing a skimpy dress with two Turians and a bunch of brand new marks on my shoulders and throat. I'm also not sure I care. Especially since one of those Turians cannot keep his hands off of me. Garrus has his hand almost completely up my skirt the moment we sit down, and he chooses to eat with one hand to keep a hand on my thigh. Every few minutes, he leans over to nuzzle me, kiss me, nip my shoulder or throat. 

Last night I was his slut, an object for his sexual pleasure. Today, I am a treasured woman he can't resist. I love both, each side of me in equal measure. And I love that Garrus has let me find them. I catch his final kiss before we get up to leave, lingering on his mouth for a moment. His eyes are sparkling when we part, and that continues when we say goodbye to Tarquin. He makes Garrus promise to stay in touch and to never disappear again; Garrus squeezes my hand when he promises. He then also sweeps me into a rapid transit and makes sure the coast is clear before we run to the elevator on the ship and take it upstairs. 

I'm exhausted by the time we get there, completely worn out from all the intense physical activity last night and this morning but more from all the orgasms. Garrus is as remarkable as always, stripping me out of my dress and panties, even taking my shoes off for me before picking me up and bringing me into bed with him. And then neither of us can help ourselves, going another round. It's slow and intimate, it's Garrus reasserting himself as the only man in my bed even if we both invite other people in. He commands that I say his name and then cries mine too before he explodes inside me. 

Garrus holds me close after, spooning me and burying his face in my throat. I cover his arms with mine and take a deep breath, inhaling his scent and the smell of our sex - just ours. 

"You were amazing last night," Garrus whispers in my ear as I start to slip into sleep. "I'm so proud of you, Shepard. Spirits...I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." 

My heart skips, sending new life through me, and I squeeze Garrus's arms. "I love you, Garrus." 

He growls softly and nips my throat. "Shepard..." 

I'll stop expecting that he'll say it someday soon, I imagine. I don't think I'll stop hoping for it, though. He doesn't make me question it though, especially now when he's nuzzling into my throat. I let sleep pull me under, safe and secure in the arms of the man who loves me. There's nothing better I can imagine for Christmas Eve. 

When I wake up, it feels like I've been asleep for days. My body is heavy, at ease everywhere. Until I reach for Garrus and realize I'm alone. Then I have a moment of panic, a split second where I wonder if I've dreamed the last few months and Garrus never came back to the Normandy. That he didn't survive the rocket blast on Omega. But then I see the plate Garrus installed over the skylight above my bed, and my heart settles; he's here. Everything is okay. 

But where is he? And how the hell long have I been asleep?

A glance at my Omni-Tool and I startle all over again. It's been hours. I got back onto the ship this morning and somehow it's early evening. Jesus. I was a lot more exhausted than I thought. What's nice is that I don't have to panic about ship operations. Not only are we on official shore leave, but this crew has both an executive officer and my right hand man. They can handle me sleeping just about the entire day away. 

And I deserve to sleep just about the entire day away after the night - and morning - I had. 

The memories bring a smile to my face. Shit, that was an incredible night. And now it's Christmas. Garrus and I are finally going to have our first Christmas together - years too late, but also exactly on time. Tonight we'll be in a hotel, spending my favorite holiday together. And I can't wait to give Garrus his gift. I don't really know what to expect when he sees it, but I know it's what he needs. What he should have. 

I drag myself out of bed, fantastically sore and loving it. I do some of the stretches that I've learned from Samara. With each extension of my body, I get physical memories of every touch, kiss, and nip last night. It's like echoes of touch from the most erotic, intense sexual experience of my life. I let it linger, sinking into the sensation and holding on. Garrus was beyond sexy last night. The memory of Tarquin wanton and calling Garrus Daddy is something I'll fantasize about for the rest of my life. 

I've thought about having a threesome most of my adult life. I always thought it would be hot. But until recently, I didn't really know what I wanted or even what I liked sexually. I never would have seen myself submitting before meeting Garrus, and I definitely wouldn't have said that I wanted to be used by even one man nonetheless two. Garrus has taken me on a journey to discover myself sexually, and the pleasure is completely unmatched. Nothing about what I thought having a threesome would be like was true; it was infinitely better. 

I get into a hot shower. After, I decide to get dressed a little more professionally than usual for shore leave; if someone does need me, if something needs to be done, I need to be in the right mindset for it. I even pull my hair up, adding a little gloss and eyeliner because I'm feeling pretty today. I change our sheets considering the state we were both in this morning, and then feel ready to start my day...at dinner. 

Except there is no dinner. Mess Hall is empty. No one is around, no one eating. It's extremely unusual. This is a very hungry crew. Even Rupert is gone, and that man is always here; I'm convinced he sleeps on the counter. 

Things get weirder when I realize every other room on this floor is empty too. As is the CIC and the cockpit. It's starting to feel like a nightmare again. Did I dream the whole thing and wake up completely alone? Am I...am I still dead?

"Commander Shepard." I startle at EDI's voice. OK, so I didn't imagine EDI. "You should check the Starboard Observation Room. The crew might be in there." 

I frown. "Might be?" 

EDI doesn't respond. That's even weirder than everyone being missing. Or...not missing. In the Starboard Observation Room. 

I get into the elevator and head down, a little confused but not too concerned. They aren't staging a mutiny; I'm at least 85% sure of that. They might be having a party; that sounds pretty on-brand for this group. It also sounds like fun. And after last night's party, I don't think anything could surprise me. 

Until the elevator door's open. And then I'm surprised. No...confused. Definitely confused. 

It takes me several beats to realize that Garrus is standing in the hall, leaning against the window, smiling at me. But that's not the confusing bit. It's the things taped to the window and the lights that should not be in the hallways. Red and green lights. And...snowflakes on the window. They're...decorations. Garrus is standing in the hallway of our ship, surrounded by Christmas decorations. 

"Am I dreaming? Or...drunk?"

He chuckles and straightens from the wall, extending a hand to me. "Neither. Come." 

I start moving immediately, programmed to listen to his commands. Trained. It's not a decision, it's instinctive. I put my hand in Garrus's palm and he tugs me into the hallway, up against his chest. I expect him to kiss me, but instead, Garrus looks around. I follow his gaze, and now I'm surprised. The entire hallway is decorated with red and green twinkle lights and snowflakes. There's even a wreath above the Starboard Observation Room door. It's decorated. For Christmas. 

Garrus holds my hand and leads me down the hall. It feels surreal. I'm still not entirely convinced this isn't a dream. And when the doors open, I become absolutely sure I'm dreaming. There's no other way that there could be a Christmas tree on the Normandy. Except that there is most definitely a Christmas tree on the Normandy. 

"I..." 

Gabby bounces over and presses a glass of something cold and cream-colored into my hand. Eggnog. It even has a stick of cinnamon in it. Real cinnamon. 

This room is decorated, and the tree is sparkling. Everyone is here, the entire crew. Presents sit wrapped under the tree, a feast is laid out near the window, and the whole family is together. It's Christmas. 

"How...what..." 

"It was all the big guy's idea," Joker tells me. 

I blink at him and then turn to Garrus. He has a smile that looks almost shy, and his throat is flushed. "I didn't think I could give you anything better for Christmas than celebrating with your family," he explains, motioning around the room. He finally looks at me, then bends down and bumps my head affectionately with his forehead. "Merry Christmas, kid." 

A laugh escapes me, all the surrealness rushing in and exploding. My eyes start to sting with tears, and I blink them back. Not because I don't want to cry in front of the crew, but because I don't want blurriness to take even a moment of this from me. My first Christmas since I was a child, my first Christmas with Garrus, and it's on the Normandy with my family. 

I yank Garrus into me by the carapace, throw my arms around his neck, and kiss him with all the joy in my heart. There's a second of surprise, and then Garrus grabs my hips and returns the kiss exactly the way he should. The crew breaks into applause, whistles, and catcalls. My face heats and the kiss breaks when I smile against Garrus's mouth, only a tiny bit embarrassed and only because they caught me acting like a horny teenager. 

Garrus laughs and straightens but doesn't release me. "You slept longer than I thought you would and we made them wait to eat, so most of them are drunk. That was not intended as part of the gift." 

"It's Christmas," I laugh, shrugging it off. "Making merry is part of the deal." 

The crew accepts that as permission to continue drinking, and we dig into the feast that Rupert created for us. The crew is even more relaxed than I've seen them at clubs or while playing poker. I think it being Christmas has something to do with it; most of these people, though human, haven't had a Christmas in decades if ever. I become quickly convinced that something about human genetics demands that we love winter holidays, even if we don't have winters. 

The aliens are enjoying themselves, too. Grunt loves everything with food, Mordin is thrilled by the culture of it all, and Tali is excited by the decorations. All three of them really enjoy eggnog. Really enjoy eggnog if the Quarian who giggles and hiccups her way over to me is any sign. "Christmas is amazing, Shepard," she chirps. "And this guy," she points at Garrus so wildly she almost smacks him in the face, "really, really, really loves you." 

"Wow, time to cut you off, Tali'Zorah," Garrus mutters, smoothly slipping her cup from her hand and avoiding my gaze far less smoothly. 

"She's not exactly sharing secrets, big guy," I quip, bumping him playfully with my hip. 

Garrus laughs a little, pulling me into him. "No, I guess she's not. Everyone knows that's true." He kisses my head, and my heart nearly stops. Everyone does know. Me included. 

I clear my throat and change the subject before I'm glowing as brightly as the damn Christmas tree. "You gonna try the egg nog?" I ask Garrus. "You don't have to have the rum." 

"No," he answers quickly, making a face. "It smells horrible. Though, I..." His face softens and he laughs a little. "I love the smell of the cinnamon. That's what you smell like, you know." 

"Like cinnamon? I do?"

He nods. "Cinnamon and citrus." 

"Wow. Well, that doesn't sound terrible," I laugh. Garrus gives me a look full of heat and yet again my cheeks are glowing. "I need another drink." Garrus laughs but takes my hand and pulls me to the bar. 

Hawthorne is playing bartender, and Kasumi is playing like she doesn't want Hawthorne. "Shepard! Another?" he asks, already pushing a glass over the counter to me. I accept it and toast him with it; he's making them stronger as the night goes on. "What about you, Gar Bear? We got you that Palaven ale!" 

Hawthorne produces a bottle from under the counter, chilled and amber, and Garrus gives it a wary glance right away. But I'm distracted by something else. 

"I'm sorry, what did you just call him? Gar Bear?"

"Do not even think about it," Garrus snaps, voice in a low growl. "Some of the crew have decided to exercise their death wish with that little nickname." He gives me a look that says very clearly what I'm in for if I try the same. I wonder if he knows how tempting that makes it for me. 

Hawthorne laughs. "We realized that if we rattle him or piss him off a little, we at least stand a shot at poker. Although Matthews learned the hard way that pissing him off about you, Shepard, is...reckless as fuck." 

We all laugh, and Garrus shrugs innocently, never one to apologize about his feelings for me. And certainly not about his protective instincts toward me. He's still staring at that ale, though. I can tell the look is fear, but I won't pretend to entirely understand why. I take the bottle along with my glass, thank Hawthorne, and then lead Garrus toward the Christmas tree. 

"You don't have to drink it," I assure him quickly, not handing over the bottle. I set it down on a table with my glass and lean against the wall, pulling Garrus closer by his shirt. "You just didn't look like you wanted to have to say yes or no right there." 

Garrus shakes his head, leaning his arm on the wall over me. "You know me too well. And thank you." He bumps my forehead with his, making me shiver. And then he's looking at the bottle again. "I felt like I could have had a drink last night," he tells me. "I was around people I trust, in a good mood, not self-medicating. You were there, that always helps. I just...get anxious." 

"That the alcohol will drag you down, or that you won't be able to stop?"

He considers it. "That I won't stop. It's still tempting sometimes, to just...drown." He glances at me and adds, "Sorry." 

"Please don't be. It means everything to me that you can be honest about that. We both know that darkness isn't gone completely, so...I like that you're not keeping me out." Garrus squeezes my hand and nods. I know that he hates this, feeling exposed and how fragile that darkness can make him. But I trust him without exception, so I pick up the bottle and hold it out for him. "You're among friends, and I'll know if you have even a second. Maybe drink the one, prove to yourself that you can?"

He accepts the bottle but looks between it and me. "And what if I really want that second?"

"We leave early, you take me upstairs, and we fuck until you can't see straight to get back down here for a second." 

"Fuck, Shepard," he growls, arm on the wall dropping like he's become physically weak. I grin up at him, rather pleased with myself. He smirks, kisses me, and then takes a sip from the bottle. I don't know what he was expecting to have happen, but I can see relief flood him instantly. And then he kisses me, brief but hard. "Thank you." 

"You gave me Christmas," I remind him, raising my brow. "It'll be hard for me to pay you back for that." 

"It'll be impossible because it's unnecessary," he replies. "Now let's enjoy our holiday." 

And that's not a hard thing to do. The crew drinks and makes merry; it's a lot like the Christmas parties we had on Mindoir. I'm nostalgic and hopeful and totally at peace, and I owe it all to Garrus. So when the night starts to get late, and I see an opportunity, I head for the door and catch his gaze. Garrus is following in an instant, sneaking onto the elevator with me before anyone notices. 

"Okay, big guy," I say, moving into his arms and holding his neck. "That was a pretty damn amazing Christmas present. Buuut I'm not sure it wins."

"Really?" he scoffs. "You can top giving you Christmas and getting a tree on a spaceship?" 

"I think I might, yeah," I admit, still a little nervous about giving him the actual gift. 

Garrus makes a thoughtful noise but then gives me a cocky grin. "Can you top all of that and the other present waiting for you upstairs?"

"Wait...another present?" I whack his chest playfully. "Garrus! You weren't supposed to spoil me." 

"Okay, first of all, I am always supposed to spoil you," he counters, taking my hand to lead me out of the elevator on our floor. "In fact, it is my distinct honor to spoil you, Shepard. You'll need to just deal with that because I plan to do it for a very long time." I open my mouth, but Garrus turns at the door and presses his finger to my mouth. "Second...this one wasn't planned. It came to me as...necessary a couple days ago." 

"Necessary? Garrus, if this is something for you to spank me with, I'll - " 

"You'll what?" he interjects, voice and eyes hard. My mouth shuts just as hard but then pops back open when Garrus takes my throat in his big hand. "You'll bend over and take it is what you'll do if I want to spank you. Are we clear, Elle?"

"Yes, sir," I manage, trying my best not to lean into his grip and failing miserably. 

He smirks, that evil grin I like so much. "Damn right." Garrus leans in and kisses me, then releases my throat and takes my hand again. "Now. Please shut up and let me be the sweet boyfriend who wants to spoil you. Okay?"

"Okay." 

Garrus leads me into the bedroom. For all the build-up, I'm expecting something massive or surprising the moment we walk in. The room seems completely normal, though, exactly as I left it. "I...maybe should have realized I'd need to find it," Garrus mutters. "But you have the gift from the crew to distract you," he adds, motioning toward the fish tank. 

A laugh bursts out of me when I realize the ridiculous fish tank on a spaceship now has actual, ridiculous fish in it. A bunch of them, actually, and some really cool ones. It's...kind of amazing. And the crew must have spent good money on these fish. "Oh, my God, they got one of those automatic feeders," I laugh as I walk the length of the tank. "These people really do know me." 

I lean down to watch a particularly bright pink fish, but a noise catches my attention. Garrus is on the other side of the room, moving couch cushions, and this...this came from...my closet? There's another noise, definitely from inside a drawer, and I'm half a second from reaching for a gun before I hear another sound. This one clearer. This one...a meow?

"What the..." 

I open the drawer and gasp, my heart skipping. Inside, snuggled among my socks, is a kitten. A gray, green-eyed, kitten. "Well, shit," Garrus mutters, chuckles as he comes up behind me. "How did the little monster get in there?"

"Monster, what? This precious, perfect, beautiful baby...oh, my God!" I can't help but coo at the itty bitty creature while I scoop it up, bringing the kitten to my chest. "Garrus...what is this?"

"You were heartbroken leaving Urz," Garrus notes, his hand on my lower back. Though I note he's not standing very close. Not as close as he usually does. "I hated that. And I did some research and found out that this breed of cat is bred specifically for life on ships. So...Merry Christmas." 

"Garrus!" I squeal softly, trying not to scare the little baby. "He's so cute, so soft. I love him, Garrus, thank you!" 

Garrus doesn't run when I move close to kiss him, but he doesn't seem enthusiastic about touching the kitten. When I lift it, Garrus takes a step back, and he narrows his eyes when I laugh at him. "Turians don't do pets. Or fuzzy animals. I haven't decided how to feel about it yet." 

"Garrus, look how cute he is," I tease him, turning the kitten around in my palm to face him. The kitten cocks his little head at Garrus, the two of them studying each other. "You know, cats are alpha predators too. This little guy is related to some very serious killers on Earth. You two have a lot in common." 

He laughs, still wary. "I don't know about that." 

"Hey, how long has he been on the ship?" I ask, realizing he had to have been around at least since before yesterday. 

"A couple days. Tali, Gabby, Kelly, and Kasumi were way too happy to take care of him for me." He gives me another look and notes, "And I made it clear they won't be spending an extensive amount of time up here to visit him. This space is ours, it just so happens to have a kitten. Understand?"

"Believe me, big guy, I wanna keep this space ours. It's sacred." I lift the kitten higher and use a baby voice when I taunt him, "But lookit this face and how friggin cute he is! Don't you love him?"

"No, I don't. Do you love him? Already?"

"Oh, Garrus, instantly. Babies and animals." 

Garrus shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me, then heads to the couch and pats the seat beside him. At least I can sit next to him with the kitten. "You have to name it." 

"You already have." I sit down with him, leaning into Garrus's side, and petting the kitten. He nuzzles my hand and then goes prancing along my lap. I stop him from falling off the couch...twice. "This is Monster." 

"Oh, I like that," Garrus notes. He catches the kitten the third time, then very quickly deposits it back in my lap. I'm still considering that as progress. "I'm not sure if I consider Monster cute...but you're pretty damn adorable with him. This is like a Christmas gift for me, too." 

I laugh, but it cuts off quickly when I realize what he just said. "Oh, my God! Your gift. Here." I deposit Monster in Garrus's lap before he can object or resist, then dart across the room to my closet again. I find the box I hid in the back of the bottom drawer and head for the bed, hopping into the middle and patting the spot next to me. 

Garrus chuckles and stands, Monster in his hands. He looks so, so big carrying something that tiny; Monster looks fragile in his hands, but Garrus is cupping him carefully. Adorable. But I get confused when he walks in the other direction, away from the bed, and then I realize I walked right past a little pet bed at the end of the couch. Garrus deposits Monster in it, and we both watch the kitten stretch out, then lay down in a tight ball. He looks up at Garrus and meows before putting his head down. 

"Yeah, yeah. Goodnight, ya little Monster." 

"Oh, you're gonna be such a good dad," I tease him as Garrus returns to me. 

He rolls his eyes and pulls off his shirt on the way to bed, tossing it aside more haphazardly than usual. I become momentarily distracted by his body, the thick swirling tattoos and the ripped cut of his muscles. But this gift requires attention...more than Garrus is assuming, I'm sure. When he sits in front of me, I hold onto the box and take a breath. 

"I...I just want you to know, before you see this, that whatever reaction you have to it...I'm here. Nothing you do or say or feel will change that." I look up to find his eyes piercing me. "Our love isn't conditional, right?"

"Right, baby," he answers immediately, firmly with a smile. It falters a little. "But you're making me a little nervous about this gift." 

"No, it's..." I take a breath and hand over the box. "You should just open it." 

I sit back on my haunches and wait. Garrus gives me a little smile but hesitates before using a talon to slice through the ribbon and remove it from the box. He pulls the top off and grins brightly. "Oh, hell yes," he murmurs, pulling the brand new visor from the case. It's the newest model, top of the line, and he knows it. Garrus has wanted this thing since before it came on the market. 

But I wait. I know the moment is coming. And when it does, I close my eyes to absorb Garrus's gasp. 

"Shepard." His voice shakes, so soft I can barely hear it. I hear the visor shaking in his hands, though. That gets my eyes open. 

Garrus is shaking, staring down at the inside of the strap. It's the custom part of this brand new visor, maybe not the most high-tech feature but by far the most personal. The names of Garrus's team members are engraved there, Devon included. 

"I got their names from your 'Tool...from the pictures. I wanted to...you deserve to be able to honor them, and they would want to serve you still, Garrus." 

He exhales a ragged breath and a low noise breaks from his throat. When he doesn't say anything for a long moment, I start to wonder if I made a massive mistake here. I never wanted to hurt him. 

"Garrus...I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have - " 

"No," he answers quickly, looking up and shaking his head. His eyes are bright and intense, a little wet, but I know he's not going to cry. He's fighting that back, and that's okay because he's not throwing the visor across the room and he's not hiding from me. He reaches out with one hand to cup my jaw. "Shepard, this is...the most incredible...baby." 

He yanks me forward and kisses me deeply, his tongue surging through my lips and claiming me roughly. I can only moan and cling to him, my head spinning from the instant effect of his mouth on me. Garrus shifts, guiding me back onto the bed and nipping my bottom lip sharply. "Ten minutes until Christmas," he murmurs against my mouth, reading it on his current visor. "I want to be buried deep inside you when our first Christmas arrives." 

I moan and nod, leaning into him and meeting his next kiss. His hands slip under my shirt to remove it and I can feel him trembling, but underneath that, I can feel his urgency. Garrus needs me, and I'm not about to resist. 

We strip each other with passionate kisses and even more passionate touches, Garrus never letting me far. Both of his visors, old and new, are put on his table - the last thing to go - and then Garrus slides between my legs. He presses his forehead against mine, kissing me as he takes me slowly. Garrus joins us completely in one slow stroke, meeting my hips and rotating his in a small circle. He takes both my hands in his and lifts my arms over my head, squeezing my fingers while thrusting steadily into me. 

I'm verging on bliss before long, my heart racing. I'm almost panting against his mouth, and Garrus is a beacon of control. "You feel so good," he murmurs, dropping his head to nuzzle my neck. "Oh, my love. What did I do to deserve your?"

"Don't," I argue as much as I can with my mind like mush, arching my hips up into him. "None of that. You're my," I gasp when he strokes in perfectly, "my soulmate." 

"Ah, Shepard," he moans like it hurts, pressing his forehead to mine again. "Never let me go, okay? I need you." 

"You have me, you have me." It comes out like begging, everything inside me tightening and cresting to erupt as Garrus keeps his perfect aim and steady speed, most of his body trembling now. "Oh, Garrus, please. I love you." 

He growls and moans in that pained way, and then he sheathes completely inside me, stilling and shuddering. I feel his hot seed erupt inside me and the sensation combined with knowing it was my declaration that sent him over takes me right over the edge too. He strokes shallowly, light and easy, through my orgasm, and he's kissing me when I can breathe again. 

Garrus rests his head on my chest as we both catch ourselves, and his arms wrap around me. I hold him and stroke his fringe slowly. "Are you alright?" I ask. He knows I'm not talking about the sex. 

"I'm...overwhelmed," he admits. "I never expected anything like that." He laughs a little. "I probably should have with you. You never stop amazing me, Elle." 

I kiss his head. "I just do my best to honor you." 

He squeezes me harder, for the word choice. I've learned that a lot of the Turian marriage vows and commitments revolve around honoring your partner, which makes sense based on what I've learned about a meritocracy. And for Garrus and I, honoring one another has always been part of this. He's made it clear that he wants to make me proud, and after a massive mistake or ten with him, I've made honoring Garrus and our relationship a priority. Even more than my career or myself. 

"Merry Christmas, Garrus." 

Garrus tilts his head back to grin up at me. "One of many. Merry Christmas, Elle." 

*****

More often than not, I wake up on top of Shepard, usually across her back. But today, I'm blessed with Shepard's face as the first thing I see when I open my eyes. I'm certain she'll never stop taking my breath away. Definitely not this morning. My breath catches so hard in my chest it starts to hurt. And I enjoy every moment of that pain. 

Shepard only stirs a bit when I tuck a curl behind her ear. I graze my talon down her cheek, and when I spot her lips, I'm far too eager to wait for her to wake up. I lean in and brush my mouth against hers lightly, barely touching. She chases me though, seeking more even before completely waking up, and I grin at her. I rest my head on my hand, propped up by my elbow, and watch her wake up. 

"Spirits, you are beautiful," I tell her, keeping my voice soft. She smiles before opening her eyes and stretches, the blanket shifting and revealing the top of her breasts. "Mmm. Merry Christmas to me." I tug the blanket down further and cover a nipple with my mouth, lashing her with my tongue. Shepard gasps and moans, her hand finding my fringe and gripping hard. "I was just playing, but I'm going to get very serious if you do keep doing that." 

"Oh, I don't know..." Shepard shifts in a flash and flips me to my back, straddling my chest. "I kinda like playing." 

I growl and return the favor, tackling her before she can react. This time when I find her nipple, it's for a sharp bite. She cries out and her nails scrape the soft spot under my fringe, heat surging down my spine. "You wanna play, hmm? Wanna start Christmas with a bright red, sore ass? Or maybe my cock in your ass, you begging for an orgasm?"

"Fuck," she moans. I feel her making an effort to throw me off again, but I'm ready for it this time, and I keep her pinned, nipping my way down her stomach. 

"Maybe I'll just fuck your throat 'til you're a slobbery mess, is that what you want?" 

Shepard gasps my name and thrashes her legs, trying to lift her hips. And before I can between those hips, get a taste of this incredible body, the tiny monster in the room - who I'd completely forgotten about, whether or not that's awful - meows. I know in an instant that I've lost Shepard's attention, but I don't let the battle go to the cat that easily. 

"Garrus! Monster needs me." 

"My understanding is that cats are extremely self-sufficient," I inform her. "That's why I chose the damn thing and not a dog who would need attention all the time. Your attention is mine, Shepard, it's bad enough I share it with the crew." I move back up to her throat and lick from her collarbone to her ear. "Let me fuck you senseless." 

Shepard moans and almost caves, almost gives in to me, and then the cat meows again. I've lost. 

I groan and roll to my back, leaving my girl to give her attention to another man instead. Granted, an infant and fuzzy version of one. And fine, the thing is cute, especially toppling over on the blankets when she places Monster between us on the mattress. And Shepard is damn cute when she leans down, letting the kitten rub against her face and talking to it in a soft, high-pitched voice. 

The kitten turns to look at me, expectantly. I eye it, and the animal cocks its head. Probably trying to figure out if I'm going to kill it. Turians don't keep pets because we're apex predators. "Don't expect pets," I tell Monster. "I'd be getting petted right now if it wasn't for you." 

"Oh, my God," Shepard laughs, shoving my shoulder and scooping the kitten back up. "You hush. I'm going to feed him and make sure he knows where his box is and then...we can talk about that petting." 

"Hurry up, or I'll start without you." 

Shepard laughs and then yelps. "Ouch, easy with the claws when I'm naked, Monster! Don't prove the big guy right about you." I get my laugh in at least, and then I fold a pillow to prop up my carapace and roll to my stomach. If I can't get fucked, I can get a few more minutes of sleep. 

And then the door chimes. This ship is full of cock blocks this morning, and I hate them all. 

"Don't even think about answering that," I warn her with a growl. 

"Garrus! We can't ignore it." 

I turn to look at her; she's putting Monster down with his bowl. "Come back over here, and you can ignore it while you're cumming on my tongue." 

And then the door chimes again. Urgently. 

"Fuck," I growl. "Who the hell is that, EDI?" 

"Mr. Moreau and Tali'Zorah," EDI replies. "Mr. Moreau said something about a Christmas present for all of you." 

"Ask them to give us a moment," Shepard tells the AI, heading for the closet. 

"A moment?" I scoff at her, roll onto my side, and pull the blanket off of me. "Shepard. I'm gonna need more than a moment to handle this." I motion to my cock, awake and alert for the woman who is getting dressed. "Although maybe a few moments less if you get back in here and help me handle it." 

Shepard laughs and throws a pillow at me. "We have to be professional. And good friends!" 

"Well, I should at least get to stay naked. I'm Turian!" 

"Absolutely not," she laughs, throwing sweatpants from one of my drawers at me. "They're gonna know you're hard whether you're naked or wearing pants or doing a jig so..." I watch her eyes flash down toward my erection. I love when she looks at me like that. "God, you are sexy, Garrus Vakarian." She takes a breath. "If you behave and get up now, I promise to spend extra time making it up to you. However you want." 

"Shepard, you'll give it to me however I want whether I get up right now or not." I sit up and make sure she's listening when I tell her, "And you're not gonna want to talk about behaving with me. Do you understand?" 

The door chimes again, grating my nerves even further. 

I get out of bed and yank on the sweatpants, keeping my eye on Shepard who is watching me with her mouth slightly open. She's that delicious combination of turned on and terrified. Perfect. I then sit on the couch and put a pillow on my lap, hiding my erection from our friends. I don't need to deal with that from either of them. 

Shepard recovers herself and yanks on sweats of her own, then a tank top. It's nearly indecent, her breasts barely contained. She starts for the door before glancing in my direction. When she catches my gaze, she follows it down and then runs back to the closet and pulls on a t-shirt. One of mine. I give her a smirk, and Shepard narrows her eyes at me before going to unlock the door. 

"Keep it up, Shepard," I growl at her in warning. I adjust on the couch to avoid hurting my quad as the doors slide open. Monster comes running over from the bed, startled and looking for help. I hold my hand down, and he runs right into it, meowing on the way. "Some predator you are." 

"Took you guys forever!" Joker grumbles at the door. 

"Shut up, Joker!" Tali scolds him. "They were making loooove," she teases, dragging out the last two words playfully.

"No we weren't," I mutter softly to Monster, holding him up so I can look him in the eye. "Because no one on this ship cares about my erections, do they? No, no they don't." I set the kitten back down in my lap before anyone can catch me. I'm not a stupid man. 

"Aww, look at you with that baby!" Tali cooes, rushing over and snatching Monster away. I catch the pillow to make sure it doesn't fall and reveal my...situation. "Did you name him yet?"

"Garrus did," Shepard laughs, sitting beside me on the couch. She slips a hand under the pillow and plants it on my thigh. Brat. "His name is Monster." 

Tali squeals over that and starts baby-talking to the kitten. Joker catches my gaze and rolls his eyes before sitting down on the couch carefully. "This had better be important," I tell him. "You know damn well we were busy." I motion to the pillow and the pilot laughs, rolling his eyes at me. 

"It was his idea," Tali says, pointing an accusing finger at Joker. "He came to get me and dragged me all the way up here. He didn't even let me stop for coffee." 

"Or bring any for us," Shepard notes, her hand squeezing my thigh. "So what's up, Joker?"

"I have a Christmas present for all of us," he announces. "And it's a weird one, but..." Joker looks at Shepard and tells her, "Hacket emailed me. About Alchera." 

Instantly, Shepard's hand stills. It's so sudden that it concerns me, and I turn to her, finding Shepard a little pale. I don't know what Alchera is or why it matters, but this is important. And judging by her face, it's bad. I toss the pillow aside and reach for her, wrapping my arms around her. "Easy," I whisper, feeling her heart race. I look to Joker. "What are you doing?"

Joker opens his mouth but Shepard interjects, "It's not his fault. Hackett emailed me months ago and..." She looks at me, then shakes her head. "I couldn't do it. It was..." 

"Yeah, Shep, I know," Joker says, sliding to the edge of the couch. "It's a lot. I wasn't sure, but...I think we could all do it. That seems right, you know?"

I'm lost, but whatever Joker is saying is the right thing. Shepard brightens just a little and nods, then takes a breath. A real one. Her hand finds mine this time, and she squeezes. "Admiral Hackett and the Alliance want to put a memorial to the Normandy up on Alchera, the planet where it crashed down. Where I - " 

"Don't." I can't hear it anymore than I can say it. Shepard leans in and rests her head on my shoulder, her spot. I press my mouth to her hair and inhale, grounding my racing heart, reminding myself that she's really here. Tali reaches out and grasps Shepard's ankle like she needs the same reminder. 

I could have gone my entire life without knowing the name of the planet where our ship, the place where Shepard and I fell in love, crash-landed. I never needed or wanted to know the name of the planet Shepard died in the stars above, where her body was probably recovered. But I don't hate the idea of a memorial to the Normandy. 

"It's the least the Alliance could do," I note, still hugging Shepard tight. 

Joker huffs. "That's pretty much exactly what I said to Hackett." Shepard lifts her head a little to give him a look and Joker scoffs. "What's he gonna do, fire me? C'mon, you and I both know I'm irreplaceable." 

We laugh with him, but I can feel the tension between all of us. This is one heavy damn Christmas present. 

"We're near Alchera now?" Tali asks.

Joker nods. "Two hours by shuttle." 

The words hit me in the chest and knock the wind out of me. Two hours from the Citadel. I was two hours from Shepard when she died. 

"Garrus?" Shepard breathes, looking up at me. I realize I'm shaking when I see my trembling move through her hand. I just shake my head. I don't have words for this, for knowing we were so close when she was taken from me. 

I should have been there. I should have been on the Normandy or on Alchera, saving Shepard or dying by her side. 

It's too late to correct that, but I'm with Shepard now. And we need to put Alchera behind us as much as we need to honor the Normandy and the crew lost that night. This is the right thing to do for all of us, and something Shepard and I need. We have our future, but not without our past. I can see the same thoughts on Shepard's face, but her fear is almost palpable. She still has nightmares about what happened out there, still wakes up gasping for air. But this time I'll be with her. 

"We should do it together," I tell her, brushing the hair behind her ear. She looks a little relieved and nods; Tali agrees, and Joker manages a comforting smile. We agree to have breakfast and then meet at the shuttle, and then Shepard and I are alone again. Really alone, since Tali 'borrowed' Monster. 

"Are you okay with this?" Shepard asks, snuggling back into my side. 

I take a breath, trying to decide how much I need to say for the sake of honesty without hurting her. "I never wanted this. And I hate knowing how close you were that night. But this is a good thing." 

"Hackett wanted me to collect any dog tags that I could find," she tells me. "I remember him saying that twenty of the crew were technically 'missing.' There's no closure there for the families, even after all this time." 

"Especially after all this time," I argue. "It doesn't get easier." Shepard squeezes me tighter, and I return it, not ashamed of needing to cling to her right now. "I'll be down there with you. I'll be right there, okay? Nothing will happen to you." 

She makes a soft, humorless laugh. "You're not even wearing your visor, and you can read me." 

"I don't need my visor to know my best friend. My soulmate." 

"Garrus." She sits up and offers me her mouth. I accept it immediately but softly, lingering against her lips because we both need it. She bumps her forehead against mine after, and I can finally smile again, so we get up, get dressed, and head down to breakfast. 

Everyone knows where the four of us are going, and it's a somber affair. Members of the crew like Hadley and Hawthorne who are almost never quiet and always have a snarky line or two are quiet, offering us smiles. Thane makes Shepard a second cup of coffee without being asked, and Jacob pats my shoulder when I can't finish my breakfast. Chakwas is teary-eyed, hit harder because she was on that original Normandy; I thank the Spirits for the umpteenth time that she survived. In the elevator on the way to the shuttle, Shepard leans back against me, and Tali rests her head on Shepard's shoulder. It starts to feel real when we all climb aboard. 

"Do we know what to expect?" Shepard asks, ever the soldier. I can see Joker try to come up with an answer immediately. He's a pilot; planetary sitrep is his job. But Joker has no answers here. 

"No idea," he admits, slumping against the wall. 

"We'll deal with it together," I assure him with a nod. I can see that he appreciates it. I hope he has at least some idea how much I appreciate him. 

We're all quiet on the shuttle ride. I imagine the others are doing what I am and thinking about our former ship, our crew...how it all went down. I went back to the ship after Shepard dumped me. I couldn't face the entire crew at Flux, but I needed to say goodbye to Joker. The next time I saw him was when I found Joker on the floor of the escape pod. I'll never forget the look on his face. It makes me sick to think about it even now. 

Joker blames himself for Shepard's death as much as I blame myself. We've both spoken our peace on the other; Joker reamed me out for thinking I was at fault, and I assured Joker that neither Shepard nor I blamed him. But neither of us will stop. And now Joker has to go down to the crash site where he lost both of them, the ship and the commander he loved. He has them both back, but I know better than anyone that it doesn't erase the pain of loss.

Tali lost her sister when the ship went down. They've picked right back up where they left off, as close as they ever were, and I know how much it means to both of them. But Tali suffered a tremendous loss. And she includes me in that. I know how hard she tried to find me, how long she sent me messages after I took off for Omega. Somehow she doesn't hold it against me. But I can see that she feels raw and vulnerable going back to the source of such pain. 

Shepard looks up at me a couple times during the shuttle ride. She doesn't want to get caught, so I don't catch her, but I have to wonder what she's thinking. She answers that question for me when she squeezes my hand, pins me with bright green eyes, and whispers, "I'm not sorry you weren't on the Normandy that night. But I'm more sorry than I could ever say that I left you." 

"Elle." I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her close, kissing the top of her head. "I know. I appreciate you being willing to say it, but I don't need to hear it. It doesn't matter anymore. We're here, you're mine. Okay?"

"I was always yours," she counters, dropping her head to my shoulder. The words send a tremor through me. Part of me will always doubt them, but it gets a little easier every time I hear it. And it might get easier when she's officially mine, when she's my wife. But I have to ask her first. And even returning to the site where Shepard died, having that rubbed violently in my face, apparently isn't enough to make me courageous enough to tell Shepard that I've bonded with her and ask her to spend her life with me. 

Today, I have to do whatever I can to shoulder her burdens on Alchera. That's my only concern, that's my focus. Secondary is getting Joker and Tali through this. If they all make it without major breakdown, I will too. And then it's on to destroy the Reapers and save the galaxy in the new Normandy. Saying goodbye is a step in that direction. 

*****

We near Alchera, all of us drawn to the window. The planet isn't large, and the Omega system it's in is weak, so it's fairly dark and promises to be cold. I worry about Garrus but he shakes his head before I can even say a word. He'll manage. He always does.   
As the shuttle approaches the crash site, we can see chunks of the ship littered about. Massive metal pieces that once formed the Normandy were sheared off and now lay lifeless on the surface. Like I did once. The panel from the side of the ship that once proclaimed it's identity comes into view; now, it screams 'Normandy' into the void of the universe. 

I tell Joker and Tali about the dog tags and Hackett's request that we try to find as many as we can. They both agree immediately. I note Garrus, still gazing through the window, is holding onto my tags. Usually, they're under his armor, but he's left them out today, and I think it's for comfort. He makes my heart skip, even when he's not trying. And he's the comfort I need today. 

The shuttle lands amidst the wreckage. We all pause when the doors open, but I step toward them first. I am the commander of this Normandy and the new version; this is my duty. Garrus catches my hand at the door, and we step out together. My duty, but I'm not alone. 

Joker and Tali follow us out, all of us taking a moment to be lost. The planet is dark, and there's something falling in the atmosphere. It reminds me of snow except...sad. The crash site isn't as spread out as I would have expected. Probably because the ship was sheared into pretty large pieces instead of shattering. I wonder if my body was in pieces or...

No. Can't go there. I have a purpose today. 

"Oh." Tali takes a few steps away and kneels, then stands with a pair of tags. "Rosamund Draven." 

"Right. She was Med Bay assistant," I say. 

Garrus takes the tags from Tali, collecting them to scan for Hackett. Before we take half a dozen steps, he's found another set. Caroline Grenado. "She was a crewman. Ship security." 

"The one with blue hair, I remember," Garrus muses, running a thumb over the tags. He shakes it off and puts them away as we head into what feels oddly like a graveyard. 

It's not long before we find what would have been the bridge. The last time I stepped onto this bridge was when I had to get Joker off this ship. This time, the moment my boot touches the burnt metal, it's almost exactly like the last time. I'm transported back two years ago, I can feel the flames at my back and space threatening above me. 

But this time, a heavy hand lands on my shoulder. This time, Garrus is here. 

Garrus being here to support me means that I can be here for Joker, and with the cockpit looming ahead of us, I know he needs that. I hold out my hand to the pilot but don't turn to him. I won't pressure him to accept it; I know Joker doesn't always like to show his emotions and hates needing people. I'm not going to patronize him and tell him that this is for me. 

I don't have to worry about any of it, though. Joker takes my hand in his and steps to my side. This time, we'll walk down the bridge together. 

The ceiling is shredded, ripped and torn off. I vividly remember that happening, and I try not to look up now. I don't need to be reminded of how close space felt. Just outside the cockpit, something catches my eye, and I kneel down to pick up another set of dog tags. "Talitha Draven." 

"An engineer," Tali tells me. I nod, recalling her, and hand the tags to Garrus. 

The cockpit is familiar even in its destruction. The chair is still here, Joker's nearly permanent space and the one he was heartbroken to leave that night. The windows are blown out, we can see scorch marks on the walls that remain. It's familiar and horrible all at once. 

"I remember that first hit we took," Joker tells us, voice softer than I've ever heard. "It came through the front, right past me. That was the hit that killed Pressly." 

I squeeze his fingers, looking at what used to be Pressly's station here. "He would have died immediately. There's a blessing in that." Joker squeezes my hand this time. "Ready?" I ask him. 

"Yeah. Let's keep going." 

I let Joker lead us back off the bridge. Garrus catches my gaze, and I nod. He returns it and then wraps his arm around Joker's shoulders gently. Tali does the same for me, and I lean my helmet against hers as we start back off the bridge. Tali stops me on the way out and finds another tag. "Mandira Rahman." 

"Pressly's team," I tell her. "A navigator." 

"Did you know the entire crew?" she asks. 

"I always try to," I answer. "Everyone on a ship matters. And when it goes down..." Tali hugs me closer again, and I don't resist her. 

We follow Garrus and Joker further into the crash site. There's an intact crate, and the sight of it makes me laugh. Garrus chuckles and shakes his head a little. "All this destruction and fucking crates made it. What the hell does the Alliance make these things from?"

"The same stuff they make Shepard from," Joker quips, running his hand over the top of the crate. "Should we open it, see if there's anything of value?" 

I shake my head. "The only thing of value down here are the memories and the lives. That's all we're here for." Tali squeezes my hand; Garrus and Joker nod at me. 

Among the crates, we find two more tags. Amina Waaberi and Carlton Tucks. Both of them worked on the engineering crew. Tali thought Carlton was cute, I remember her telling me that once. She laughs softly when I remind her of it. 

There's a huge piece of the ship sticking out of a mound of sandstone nearby. We can't identify it for sure, but Garrus thinks is probably part of the fuselage. It's curved in a way he recognizes from Turian ship design. Nearby is the tag for Jamin Bakari, a CIC officer who drank tea that smelled amazing. 

The sight of the Mako is harder for me than the bridge or the cockpit. I wasn't prepared for that. I also wasn't ready for it to be completely intact. It barely looks damaged at all, save for the fact that it's trapped up on top of some oddly shaped rocks. 

Tali's giggles, which she tries to hide with her hand over her mouth, and I whirl toward her in shock. When Joker coughs to hide his own laugh, my jaw pops open. "What is funny?" I demand of them, not angry just surprised. 

"It looks like you were driving it, Shep," Joker quips. He and Tali explode into laugher they can't and don't hide now, cackling, and it becomes contagious. I can't help laughing with them. 

Garrus pulls me into his arms and kisses my head, his chest rumbling with laughter. I lean into him and ask, "Why does this one hurt so much? The Mako it...it hurts." 

"Baby..." He leans down and murmurs, "The Mako was the first place on the Normandy you and I were together. It hurts me to see it here, too. It's...part of us." 

"Yeah...yeah it is," I agree. Some of the ache in my chest eases when the memory floods in, and I smile up at him. "That was the first time you said 'that's my girl.' I love hearing that." 

"Yeah? Looking forward to making you earn it later." 

That makes me smile for real, and it gets my heart thumping, but it also feels pretty horrible considering where we are. I've had more than one experience with survivor's guilt, and it's nauseating every time. 

"Hey. It's okay," he breathes, holding me and almost rocking me now. It's comforting. The fact that he can comfort me here is...

"I love you," I tell him. It wouldn't have just cut it to thank him because it wouldn't have made him shudder the way he does everything he hears that I love him. I take another second with him, in Garrus's arms, and then we catch up with Tali and Joker. They haven't gone far, and they've found three more tags. 

"Silas Crosby and Harvey J. Gladstone," Garrus reads. "They worked in the Cargo Hold. Helped me with the Mako. Good men." 

"Addison Chase," Joker reads. "She was the only other ginger on the ship." 

I laugh, but Garrus frowns and Tali shakes her head. "Ginger is a nickname humans have for people with red hair." 

"Ohhhh, then yeah, I remember Addison." The tone of Garrus's voice says more than enough for him to earn a punch to the arm. 

"You have a type in humans, huh?" I snark at him, rolling my eyes. 

"You ruined me for Turians, it's your fault." I swing at him again, but Garrus dodges it, pulling Tali in front of him as a shield, and we all get the laugh we really need. 

We take a moment after as the laughter fades to just breathe, to stand here with each other and be okay for a moment while things aren't okay. And then we get back to it. We have a duty. 

A little further on, we find what was once the ramp to the galaxy map in the CIC. It's not connected to anything except the charred remains of wires anymore. There's a datapad under some of those wires. The screen is cracked but it turns on. "This was Pressly's. It looks like some of it is still readable." 

I read it out to them, even knowing that with Pressly, some of it could be hard to hear or handle. We can't change the past, and we shouldn't try. Pressly was who he was; it won't benefit any of us to avoid that. Besides, we're here together. This was our crew, our ship, our lives for a year. We're still sharing our lives, and so we're going to share this. 

I still say a silent prayer that Pressly wasn't too offensive in the three entries I find. 

"Some of it says unrecoverable data and other parts are weird symbols. How do those not quality as unrecoverable data?" I shake it off and read what's here. "'Spoke to the Commander about this. All these damned aliens aboard the Alliance's most advanced ship. I just don't trust them. Esp...' I guess that's supposed to be especially. 'Especially that damned Asari. And a Quarian! What does Shepard think this is, a zoo?'"

Garrus makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, and I know what's coming before he says a word. At least it lets me brace myself. "Well, for all his faults, Pressly clearly had good instincts about Liara." 

"Not here, Garrus," Tali breathes. Garrus says nothing else.

"Entry 2. The first part is a mess and then..." I almost hesitate, but now that would look awkward. "'The Quarian. It seems she's on some kind of pilgrimage, trying to improve the lot of her home ship. I can understand that. I wou...'" I shake my head. "More mess. And then, 'babysit my children or anything, but if she has to be on board, I suppose that's not too bad.'"

Tali just laughs. "I appreciate his honesty, really. Few humans are willing to talk about Quarians at all. They think it's more polite that way." 

"Hmm. Can't decide if that's better or worse than the way they react to Turians," Garrus notes, fiddling with some of the wires. It wouldn't surprise me for a second if he was going to try and give power back to some part of the ship. My nerd. 

"There's one more. This one...it was a couple days before the attack." I take a breath and read, "'I'm taking a look back at past entries in this journal. I...how blind I was at the time. I came on this ship firmly believing humanity was on its own in the galaxy. Shepard brought all these aliens on board, and there's no way we could have accomplished what we did without them." 

There's a heavy silence for a moment before Garrus says, "The only time Pressly and I spoke was right before Ilos. He...related to having a sick parent. I wanted to talk to him about it more. I don't know a lot of people who..." He shakes his head. "We never had a chance. But it's nice to know he would have been willing." 

"Adams tried to convince Pressly to talk to me a couple times when he had engineering or ship questions," Tali says. "He refused every time, but...a couple times, he called down and knew I was listening, and he complimented me. My work. He knew I was listening." 

It's enough. I decide to keep the datapad as a reminder. People grow, people change. It's important I never forget that, especially as a leader. 

We explore the area a little, parting, but none of us going far. Garrus is staying close to me though he wants to pretend he's not. And I appreciate it, especially here and now. He's here to protect me. 

But then suddenly he's turning away from me. Quickly. Hiding something. That can't be good, especially considering where we are and why. "What's that?" I call, slowly approaching him. I watch Garrus take a breath, but he doesn't move or turn back to me. "Garrus?"

He turns around, and it takes me a second to recognize what's in his hands. A helmet. An N7 helmet. My helmet. 

"It was probably one of your spares," he tells me, voice calm and low. He can read my heart speeding up through my visor, he knows my stomach is churning because he knows me. "Shepard. It was probably a spare." 

"And if it wasn't? If that was the helmet I had on when I got spaced, it...it came off. It was off, and I was down here and they found me." 

"Shepard, easy." 

"Garrus, what did my face look like when they found me? Did I even have a face?" I can hear my voice getting higher, but I can't stop it. 

"Hey, come on, Elle." 

Garrus reaches for me, but I snatch my hand away. I can't...

"Your personality...it's in your brain. It's..." My head spins, and I feel suddenly off-balance, my legs getting weak. "Cerberus rebuilt me, all of me. They pieced me back together, even my brain. Garrus, I'm not - " 

"Shepard, stop," he snaps, grabbing my shoulders and giving me a firm shake. It rattles something back into place in my brain, and it's like I can see him again. Garrus takes hold of the front of my armor, pulling me closer by the collar. "It doesn't matter what happened to you down here, what state you were in. You are here now, and you are you. You are...exactly the woman I knew, the woman I fell for. The woman I fall for every damn day. Are we clear?" 

"Yes, sir," I manage, tears filling my eyes and spilling out, tracking hot lines down my cheeks. 

Garrus pulls me into a hug. I hate that I can't feel him, can't feel his body and take in his strength through the armor, but it helps for now. Knowing that Garrus loves me helps more, no matter what he's said...or hasn't said. And believing that he's bonded with me is everything. If I'm truly connected with him that way, Garrus would know whether or not I'm the same. Whether I'm still his. 

"Thank you." I release him slowly, and Garrus lets me go even slower. 

We get back on task, but this time, I stay close to Garrus. I need him nearby. This is...it's all just a lot. And I need him with me. Garrus doesn't complain; I think he might need the same. We gather a few more dog tags on our path. Marcus Grieco, a cook; Germeen Barrett, a Med Bay assistant; Hector Emerson, a navigator. 

"I didn't realize how many didn't get off the ship," I note. 

"You said twenty? That's a small fraction of a fully crewed ship," Garrus reminds me.

"Twenty-one." 

"What?"

I turn to him. "Twenty-one. There were twenty-one of us who didn't get off the ship." 

"I..." Garrus turns away. I can't see him through his helmet, his faceplate nearly black, but I know he's winced. "Right. Twenty-one." 

I grab his hand before he can step back. "I'm here." 

"I know." He takes a breath and nods, and then we're moving again. 

We meet back with Joker and Tali as we approach the pathway to the Main Battery. Garrus makes sure Joker is still steady on his legs before we explore. Among the wreckage nearby, including some of the crew bunks and more metal shearings, we find more tags. I hope Orden Laflamme, Monica Negulesco, Raymond Tanika, Robert Felawa, and Helen M. Lowe can rest more peacefully now.

An intact chunk of the Cargo Bay stands, recognizable for the lockers and the tool shelves on the wall. Or what was a wall. "I cannot stand near these lockers, even now, and not think about Ashley Williams," I note, the name bringing a smile to my face. "Did you know she loved poetry? Such a hardass, but she was a romantic." 

"Hardass is an understatement," Garrus laughs, no animosity in his tone. "She loved goading me and Wrex down there." He shakes his head, growing sadder, and adds, "She joined us to clean our weapons eventually. Said she wanted to be on our team." 

Tali giggles. "She made fun of my induction port method with alcohol. But in the fun way. She...she could be a lot of fun." 

"Oh, yeah," Joker agrees. "She always had a joke, never let me get away with a single line. We could rib for hours." 

It warms me to hear these things, even if it's bittersweet. "I won't make excuses for her racism, but she was really coming around. Learning, growing. She had potential. I think she could have been a good person." 

Garrus puts his hands on my shoulders. "And she's the reason we were able to get to Ilos, to defeat Saren and Sovereign. Without her sacrifice, it would have been impossible to win." 

"Yeah. It sucks she had to die, but Ash died a hero," Joker adds. We take a moment there, each of us needing one, I think, and then walk away together. 

We approach the piece of the hull we saw from the shuttle. "Joker, you remember the first time you saw the Normandy?" I ask him. 

The pilot lights up. "Hell yes. No ship like her out there, before or since." 

"Damn sexy," Garrus agrees. "Nihlus and I were fawning over it from the dock the first time I saw it. Until we were fawning over the ship's commander." I push him playfully but appreciate it - especially since my helmet is covering my red cheeks. 

"It is a beautiful ship," Tali says. "I'd never seen anything like it. My first look at the drive core was..." She shakes her head and sighs. "Quite an experience. Going back to the Flotilla after this was difficult." 

"Yeah, it's hard to imagine serving anywhere else. You know, this is the first ship I've had solo command of. My other operations have been primarily ground. And I got this incredible, gorgeous ship." I snort and note, "And now it has spa upgrades." 

"Shepard, Shepard, we do not disparage the real leather," Joker says in a dramatic stage whisper. We all laugh, and I roll my eyes at him. The SR-2 has some upgrades, but we all know the original was hard to beat. Now I just have to hope the Alliance gets it together and builds more like her; these ships should be standard. But God forbid we admit what we learned from Turians. 

"Okay. Any more tags?" I ask, shaking myself out of my thoughts. I don't want to stay down here all day. I can feel the tension pressing in on me. Garrus shows me the final two tags; Abishek Pakti and Alexei Dubyanski. "Hackett will get these home. Now we just need to decide where to put the monument." 

"I think right here," Tali suggests, motioning to the hull. "What better place?"

Joker nods. "I agree. It's a Normandy monument - ship and crew." Knowing how much this ship meant to him, I know that the monument here will be a lot. 

"The Alliance is going to want to talk about this, plaster images all over," Garrus notes. "If we put the monument here, they can't talk about the ship without talking about what happened to it. They have to honor her memory." 

"While we do even bigger things on the new Normandy," I chime in with a nod. "Here is good." 

I place the marker in our chosen spot. Hackett will have the Alliance bring and place the monument. The site will remain otherwise untouched. A graveyard. Very nearly my permanent resting place. I need to get off this planet. 

"Take me home," I whisper, knowing without question that Garrus will hear me. And he does, immediately getting on the comms and signaling the shuttle that we're returning. I hear it start, and then Garrus is wrapping an arm around me, taking me to the shuttle. Taking me home. 

We're silent on the way back, tension high and all of us lost in our own thoughts. Garrus holds me on the way, his arms tight around me. He's holding on for his sake, not mine. The fact that I need it too benefits both of us. 

"Joker, this has to win for weirdest Christmas present ever," I tell him. "But I'm really glad you had us do this. We needed this before the battle with the Reapers gets hot." 

Tali and Garrus agree. Joker just nods, his eyes on the floor. Garrus taps my arm and I look up; he nods toward Joker. He wants time with him when we get back. I look at Tali; her shoulders are low and hunched. I need time with her, too. Garrus and I make that plan silently, and he bumps the side of my head with his forehead. I need him, time with him, soon. But our friends come first sometimes, and that's okay. 

We get back onto the ship, and it's just about business as usual. There are gentle smiles for us, but it's a relief that they've gone back to work and back to normal. I catch Tali before the elevator. "I have to check on emails and Hackett, but I'm gonna meet you downstairs in a minute. Okay?"

Tali nods and squeezes my hand. "Yeah. That'll be good." She heads into the elevator and down to engineering. She'll be okay down there until I arrive, especially with Ken and Gabby looking out for her. 

Garrus and Joker are paused by the bridge, and Joker gives me a rare if small smile before walking away. Garrus motions me over, holding a hand out for me. I accept it quickly and smile when he tugs me up against his chest. "Two hours?" he breathes, nuzzling below my ear. "I can manage two hours before I need you. Is that enough?" 

"Two hours, and I'll meet you upstairs. That's all I can give, too. Two hours." 

He nods, then releases me slowly. I lean up onto my toes to kiss him briefly before we have to part. And it has to be brief because the temptation to get completely lost in him right now is almost overwhelming. Duty, then Garrus. 

"Commander," Kelly greets me when I approach the CIC. She's smiling just as brightly as always but not bouncing. Maybe she knows I don't need bouncing today. "Admiral Hackett has emailed you already, and you have one other unread email." 

"Thank you, Kelly. Can I..." I shake off the thought and just thank her again.

"No, no, tell me please," Kelly urges, stepping closer. "If there's anything I can do..." 

"I'd really like a cup of coffee," I admit. "And if you could make me a cup to bring Tali, that would be amazing. Please." 

She smiles even brighter than usual. "It would be my pleasure, Commander. I'll be right back." 

When she walks away, I open my emails. The older one is forwarded from Aria T'Loak and I notice Garrus's name in the subject. It demands my attention but I force myself off of it. Hackett emailed me before we even got back on the ship, and that needs my attention first.

It's brief, to the point. It's what I'd expect from Hackett. Professional and political but compassionate. He reminds me that we gave those families peace and he thanks me. It's enough to make it feel like the trip down to the surface, to that graveyard, was worth it. Those families deserve what I didn't get, what Garrus didn't get when I died. 

I archive his message, and then move to the other. There's nothing from Aria; she forwarded a message from someone else, someone named Nalah Butler. It doesn't ring any bells, but since it's from Omega, that's not surprising. It's the subject, not the name, that makes me need to read it right now. 'Take care of Garrus.'

Nalah Butler was married to one of the men on Garrus's team. She apparently got a message from Garrus after the squad was betrayed and killed, and she knows that he blames himself. She doesn't want him to blame himself, and it makes my heart happy. Nalah says that her husband was proud of Garrus, of being on Archangel's squad. 

'You're his commander now, and you've always been who he needed. I'm so glad he has you back, and Frank would be, too. Please, if you can, help him stop blaming himself. And please...tell Garrus that his Godson, Devon, is healthy.'  
There's a photo attached of an absolutely adorable human baby. Devon. That was Garrus's friend; he cries for Devon in his sleep sometimes. God. I have to tell Garrus about this, but I will not forward the email; he needs to hear this from me. All of my Christmas gifts for him this year are now horribly emotional. 

I need time with Tali. 

Kelly returns exactly when I need her to give me both cups of coffee. I thank her repeatedly, still feeling guilty for having someone get me coffee even though she seems pleased as hell that I asked her to do anything for me, and then get in the elevator. For once, the ride only seems to take one year instead of ten, and then I'm blessed with Tali's giggle as I step into engineering. 

"Everyone okay with Hackett?" Tali asks me. I had her the coffee, and she squeaks to take it with both hands. "Thank you! I really needed this." 

Ken and Gabby give us more of those gentle smiles everyone is offering when Tali and I move into the secluded drive core area of engineering. I lean my forearms on the railing and hold my coffee, watching the lights of the drive core that seem to swirl. Tali stands beside me, her back to the core. We both sip our coffees in silence for a moment. 

"Shepard, what do you want to do after the war with the Reapers is over?" I look up at her. "I mean, obviously you're going to save the galaxy. That's what you do." 

"We. We are going to save the galaxy." 

I know she's grinning when she looks down and me. "Right. We. But when we win and the war is over...what do you want to do?" 

"I want to marry Garrus," I tell her quickly, firmly. I have no questions about that part of my future. "I want to have kids with him. Have them, adopt them, whatever. But outside of Garrus..." I laugh and admit, "No idea. I died for this war, was brought back for this war. After...I don't know." 

Tali laughs a little. "Yeah. I get that. I want to help the Flotilla, but after my last mission for the Admirals...and really, after serving with you. I mean, look at this ship! Look at this mission! Where do I go when this is over?"

"Oh, Tali. You go to the Flotilla and take over that Admiralty Board." 

"Right, of course," she laughs. "And you're going to continue kicking ass a Spectre, giving the Council all sorts of trouble. Plus have lots and lots of babies with Garrus." 

"Just as many as you'll have with Kal'Reegar?" 

Tali swats my arm before I can move away to avoid it, and I know she's glaring at me for laughing. I won't apologize for it; she and I both know how she feels about Reegar and I'll call her out everyday if I need to. Tali's not going to make the same mistakes I did without hearing about it once or twice. 

"Whatever, you're the worst and I'm changing the subject. Is Garrus going back to Spectre training?"

I shrug, though the thought of my conversation with Garrus about this makes my heart stutter. "Garrus freaked out when I brought it up." 

"He doesn't want to be a Spectre?"

"No, he...he thought I was trying to spend six months apart from him again. He apologized for it, but..." I shake my head. "I told him that if he went back into training, I would move to the Citadel. And I meant it. I just need him to believe it." 

"I know." She leans into my side. "He wants to trust you. He loves you." 

I know," I assure her. "He's my future, I know that. At least on the non-professional side. And the professional stuff will come. That can work itself out." 

"Yeah! We can have our lives and figure out the professional stuff as it comes. Priorities, right?"

"Absolutely. Even if it takes dying to learn what our priorities should be." Tali laughs with me and we sit for a few minutes, drinking our coffee. I needed this today, too. I knew Tali needed it, but so did I. And I don't just need Garrus, but Tali. She's my family as much as he is. 

I stay there for a while. Most of it, we're silent. We talk a little about the crew on this Normandy and the last, we reminisce and share stories. Tali tells me more about what she did the last two years...most of the good parts revolving around Kal'Reegar, most of the not-so-good around her father. We talk about everything or nothing. But we never talk about the Reapers or the Omega 4 Relay; that's not for today. They'll be waiting tomorrow. 

When two hours is just about up and I've had as much space from Garrus as I can take right now, after what happened earlier today, I give Tali a hug and head upstairs. I needed that, and now I need him. 

I take the elevator straight up to our quarters, hoping that he'll be there. When I walk in, I get the wind knocked out of me. I was not expecting shirtless Garrus playing with Monster on the bed, running a feather toy along the blanket and letting the kitten chase it. "You know, usually when I play with toys like this, it's a very different scenario," he quips, spinning the creature in circles. 

"Poor Monster," I tease him, kicking my boots off eagerly. I also take my shirt off on the way to the bed, just to even things out. And to make Garrus growl when he looks up at me. Which gets a lot less intimidating when the kitchen tries to mimic it. "Garrus, I am in love." 

"I hate that you're not talking about me," he retorts when I lay on the bed, enough space between us for the kitten to play. Monster runs to me immediately and headbutts me right in the face, a less charming way of bumping his forehead to mine just like Garrus does. "Oh, and he's in love with you, too." 

"Yes, he is," I coo, leaning down to return the nuzzling. "You've got competition for the first time ever, Vakarian." 

Garrus is quiet for long enough after my joke that I look up at him only to find him staring at me. "First time ever?" he asks, voice soft. 

I smile and lean over, holding Monster safely out of the way so I don't crush him. Garrus lets me kiss him softly, grazing my tongue softly along his mouth plates. "First time ever," I repeat. "I've been crazy for you since the first time we met."

"Shepard," he whispers, slipping his hand into my hair and pulling me down for a deeper kiss. And then we're interrupted by Monster for the second time, this time when he weasels between our faces and purrs. "We are not going to be friends if you keep this up, you little monster." 

"Don't listen to him, he loves you," I tell Monster playfully. The kitten slow blinks at me and meows. "But it might be for the best right now. I have something...kinda difficult to show you." 

I sit up and grab a datapad, pulling up my email and handing it over. Garrus frowns a little but takes it, and I watch him read through the email from Nalah Butler. His face goes through a rainbow of emotions, at first scared and then sad before morphing into a joy I know comes when he sees the picture of the baby. 

"She named the baby Devon," he murmurs, finger grazing the screen softly. "He really would have liked that. Frank, too. It's good." 

"Your Godson," I note. "That's a big deal." 

"It should be, right? I...I have to email her at least. I can't abandon my Godson." 

"Garrus." He looks up at me. "Nalah understands what you're going through, and you aren't abandoning baby Devon. When you're ready...Nalah and Devon will be there." He nods and looks down, eyes wet and mandibles tight. And even though he won't say anything, he won't talk anymore than he has, I have to try. I have to remind him. "I'm here for you, Garrus. Always. We can talk whenever you want, about whatever you need to say. Okay?"

He nods slowly, rubbing Monster's whole body with his big hand. After a long pause, he looks back up at me. "I know. And I'm more grateful than I could say, kid. Knowing that you understand even if I can't..." 

I lean down and kiss his head when he trails off. "I do understand. Just remember that I'm here and I always will be." Garrus smiles and kisses me softly, lingering against my mouth. When we part, we both move to bump our foreheads together. 

"We should eat," Garrus sighs. "And I wanna talk about today, about everything. If I go get us trays, will you have dinner in here with me?" 

"I would love that." I kiss him once more and scoop Monster up, getting him ready for dinner, too. 

Garrus puts a shirt on, and I change so that I'm wearing only his shirt. When he comes back, we have dinner and we talk. We talk about the first Normandy, focusing only on the good times we had together and with our crew. We've rehashed the bad enough. We talk about Alchera, about how much that sucked and how much we needed it. We talk about Tali and Joker and our new squad, our new family. 

When we're all talked out, we crawl into bed. Garrus reads some old human fantasy story he found, his fingers trailing up and down my spine slowly, and I lay on his chest while playing the hacking game he introduced me to. The room is low lit, Garrus is an excellent pillow, and Monster is purring on the other side of the room. It's...kind of perfect. Comfortable and warm, I start falling asleep. 

I don't realize I'm falling asleep, of course, until Garrus pulls the game from my hand. He hushes me but I can't put up much of a fight, and then he's pulling me into his arms. "Not exactly the Christmas you expected, huh?" he asks, kissing my neck. 

"Not at all," I admit with a laugh. "But having you with me for Christmas is everything I imagined. I can't wait for next year." 

"Mmm. And every year after," he purrs, nuzzling my ear. "Goodnight, my love. Merry Christmas." 

"Merry Christmas, Garrus. I love you."


	35. Return

Christmas ending lights a fire. We can all feel the pressure of the Omega 4 Relay and the Reapers bearing down on us. Nothing specific changes, but it feels like a switch gets flipped after the holiday. We're barreling toward war and the end of the galaxy if we don't win that war. We've got part of what we need, but getting the crew ready before the IFF is ready is what's left. 

I put in more work on the Thanix, longer hours and more complex calibrations. Cerberus lets me get all the updates I need so long as I can install them, and EDI and I identify a few opportunities to improve ship performance. I also spend more time sparring with the crew, working with Jacob and Mordin on our tech and weapons, and working out on my own. 

Shepard puts in more time with the crew, more time on strategy, more time learning hacking and sparring. She even gets a sniper rifle and starts practicing with me, her Cerberus enhancements helping her aim and her determination helping her control. The rest of the crew takes our cue and works on enhancing their own skills. 

We're going to have our people and our systems ready, and then we're going to take down the Reapers. 

It does mean a little less time for me and Shepard, though. We both get it, of course, we're both busy and the mission takes precedence. But I'm glad we had so much time together on Christmas when we just barely get our nights together for the next couple weeks. I'm also damn glad we moved in together since it means we do still get those nights. 

The work will be worth it when we've saved the galaxy. And it'll be worth leaving Shepard naked in our bed this morning if she can get a little more sleep. Damn it. 

It's early when I reach Mess Hall so I can grab a cup of coffee alone. I'm also hoping it means I can start work before anyone else is moving around, but something makes me pause when the elevator doors open. I don't regret it when Samara appears.   
"Good morning, Garrus," she greets me, smiling and nodding her head. 

"Good morning, Samara. How are you?" I really like the Justicar. I wasn't sure about her at first, even though we share a sense of justice because I didn't know if she'd try to kill my vigilante ass, but she's turned out to be a very wise, kind person. She's also done wonders for Shepard with meditation and use of her biotics. 

"I am well, thank you. I was wondering if Shepard was available to talk, though." 

"Oh, she's still in bed, but I'm sure she'll be up soon," I tell her. Samara's face falls a little, and I notice then that she has a weight on her shoulders. "I'm...I mean, I know I'm not the same, but I'm always available if you want someone to talk to, Samara. Or if you need something." 

The moment I make the offer, I rethink it. I don't know if I actually am available to the crew. I'm Shepard's boyfriend and a member of the crew. We can be friends, but can I step in for Shepard during these conversations?

It's too late right now, though. And if I'm being honest, I don't exactly regret it. Samara should be heard if she needs something. 

"That would be lovely, Garrus, thank you. Would you mind if we got some privacy?"

I motion toward the elevator and follow Samara there. She's silent on the way down; she's excellent at being silent. I'm a lot more stoic than Shepard, Joker, or Tali but compared to Samara, I'm Kelly damn Chambers. The silence makes me anxious for no reason, and I'm relieved when the elevator doors open. 

Samara leads me to the Starboard Observation Deck. The window is open, exposing us to a fantastic view of space. It reminds me that I need to get the panel down above Shepard's bed; I wanted to give her some time to change her mind, but I think she's ready. And damn I love this view. 

"I must ask for help," Samara tells me, walking to the window. "That is not easy for me." 

"It's alright," I assure her. "Just...tell me what you need. I'll help if I can or talk to Shepard if we need more help." 

Samara nods without looking for me, and I wait for a few moments until she speaks. "When we met on Illium, I told you about a very dangerous person I was pursuing. Using the information you helped me obtain, I have located her." I start to approach Samara, my interest piqued. "She's been going by the name 'Morinth.' I would like to apprehend her before she disappears again." 

"I didn't realize you were tracking her right now." Samara told Shepard that she'd pick up Morinth's trail after we finished with the Omega 4 Relay. 

"I know where she is right now. In a month, she may be gone." Samara shakes her head just a little. "This is the best opportunity I've ever had." 

"Yeah...I get that." If I had a shot at Sidonis... "So, where is she?"

"Omega," Samara responds. "A night club called Afterlife...which seems like the perfect place for her to hunt." 

"If she's a criminal as bad as you've made it seem, Omega is definitely the right place for her," I note. I cross my arms, watching the stars. Our mission is vital, and we have no idea when the IFF will be ready, sending us barreling into a suicide mission. I don't want to lie to Samara and tell her to bring something to Shepard now that's going to stress both of them out. "How important is this, Samara?"

"Killing her has been my focus for 400 years," she replies. "It is the most important thing in my life and the reason I became a Justicar." 

Well, shit. 

"Okay. Tell me about her." 

Samara takes a breath. "She is an Ardat-Yakshi. It is a term from a dead Asari dialect. It means 'demon of the night winds.' But that is mythology. "She is simply a very dangerous woman who kills without mercy." 

This is that weight I saw on her. Not her purpose, not her need to find Morinth, but what Morinth is.

I stand beside her at the window now, turning to look at Samara. "Dangerous isn't enough. You're dangerous, too." 

"As are you," she notes. "But she is different. Garrus, have you joined with Asari?"

"I...yes," I answer, a little uncomfortable that all of a sudden we're talking about my sex life. I seriously doubt Samara is going to hit on me, but still. Can't a guy have a past?

"So, you understand the basics, the way it...should go?" I nod, hoping she doesn't want me to give details. "Morinth has a rare genetic disorder. When she joins with you, there is no gentle melding of nervous systems. She overpowers yours, burns it out, hemorrhages your brain. You end up a mindless shell, and soon after, you are dead." 

"Spirits," I groan, the thought making my dick and my brain hurt a little. 

"Indeed," Samara agrees. 

"Okay, but it's genetic? You hunt down these Asari just because they're born with a genetic condition?" 

Samara shakes her head a little. "It manifests with maturity. When one is diagnosed, she is offered the chance to live in seclusion and comfort. If she refuses, it shows her addiction to the ecstacy she gets from killing her mates. There is no redemption for such a person." 

Her tone is hard and firm, the way I'd expect from a Justicar when talking about a criminal. But there's something a little heavier here, too. And still, I'm not sure I can see things as black and white as Samara does. 

"They have to choose between prison and death?" I clarify.

"Remember how adaptive Asari are, Garrus," she presses. "This is an addictive condition. If Morinth does not want to be cured, she won't be." 

I know something of addiction, as ashamed as I am to admit that. There's some choice involved, sure. I choose whether or not to take a drink at this point. Of course, that wasn't always the case, and choice with addiction is complicated. But even when I was drowning in a bottle every night, I would have found a way to stop if I was harming another person. Even now, I make the choice to stay sober every day for the sake of Shepard and our mission. 

I get what Samara is saying. The Asari are excellent at changing, at making decisions that change themselves for better or worse. It's well known on Omega that Asari don't get addicted to red sand. Morinth is making a choice. And murdering people. 

"Why isn't this condition ever mentioned in Asari history?" Asari consider themselves the standard for the rest of the universe, so most of us have to learn things. C-Sec has quite a bit of training on Asari history and culture, most of it mandated by the Council. I've never heard of an Ardat-Yakshi.

"When we were primitive, there was much fascination with Ardat-Yakshi," Samara explains. "Some cultures worshipped them as gods of destruction. Now the Asari have a place in the galaxy, and they don't wish this defect to be widely known. As far as I know, only three exist today. Two chose a life of seclusion. The third ran." 

"Morinth." 

Samara nods. "She ran, and I am sworn to kill her." She gives me a sideways glance. "When she fled, she proved her addiction. She was not taking a great moral stand; she simply wants to keep killing. She is a tragic figure, not a sympathetic one." 

"But could she choose to abstain? And if she did, would that be enough to save her life?"

"Each encounter gives her strength," Samara explains. "The effect is narcotic. The more she does, the more she needs to do it. She will never stop. She can't." 

And Samara hates that. She might even be heartbroken by it, if I'm reading her right. I don't know her well enough to call her out on it, though. 

"I can see why she's dangerous. This is definitely worthy of your full attention," I agree. "We need to stop her, and I can tell Shepard that I believe this is important if that helps."

Samara turns to face me. "Thank you, Garrus. There are no words to express what this means to me." 

"It's nothing, Samara. If it's important to you, it's important." 

She offers me a small smile, and we turn to walk away from the window. "There is one more thing," Samara tells me, slowing. "This creature, this...monster. She is my daughter." 

That gets me to stop cold, and I whirl to face her again. Her daughter? Shit. This isn't just going to complicate it for Samara but for Shepard. She won't be thrilled when I tell her Samara wants to kill her child. And...oh, shit. 

"You said this is genetic," I note. "How many children do you have?"

"Three. And three Ardat-Yakshi are in existence today." She looks down and shakes her head a little. "It is as it sounds. Morinth was always the wild one. She was always happy and free...but selfish." 

"Samara...I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what this is like for you." 

Samara turns away from me again, back toward the window, and I wince. I should have known she wouldn't like the pity. 

"I do not want pity, Garrus," she says, reading my mind. "I do not accept it. My daughter's condition is my fault. And my redemption lies in killing her. Do not pity me. Simply understand my situation." 

I know that if I go to Shepard and explain this, she's going to have a million questions. I need to be prepared, especially if Samara thinks this was her fault. Besides, this is wild. I have questions of my own. 

"How did all this happen?"

"I spent my youth on the move, adventuring," Samara explains, pacing in front of me along the length of the window. "I killed people, mated with them, or just danced the night away. I learned so much, experienced so much." She turns to face me again. "And then my matron days came. I could finally sit back, bask, and enjoy my family." 

Samara turns back to stare out the window, and I watch her face fall. It hurts to see. 

"But in one moment, it was all taken away." 

"It sounds terrible," I agree. 

"I sat in a med lab while a nearsighted doctor droned at me. I learned nothing was as I thought it would be." She takes a deep breath. "I gave up all that I possessed. I own nothing, claim nothing. All my knowledge will die with me. Now...my purpose is to destroy my own children." 

In a way, I get what she dealt with. I had a moment that changed everything, including the way I thought of the world and myself. I gave up everything, let it all go, and I ran until I found a new purpose. 

"Those moments change you," I mutter, only a little aware that I've said it out loud. 

Samara looks at me for a long moment, and I watch the stars instead of meeting her gaze. She's been very open, very vulnerable...I'm not as strong as she is. Finally, she nods. "And I've hundreds of years left to live with that. I say too much. Forgive me." 

"Not at all," I assure her, finally looking at her again and giving her a small smile. 

"Help me find my long lost daughter," she breathes. "Help me kill her." 

I nod. "I'll talk to Shepard and let her know I think we should go find Morinth. If she comes to talk to you, at least you won't need to relive all of this." 

Samara thanks me and then moves into the middle of the room again, facing the window. She folds into position on the floor, her legs crossed, and a blow glow overcomes her body. I watch her eyes close, finding her meditation peaceful even by proxy. I don't get to watch Shepard do this but I know she enjoys the practice, even if she finds it difficult. Maybe I'll ask her to teach me.

I leave the room silently and head for the elevator, fairly certain Shepard is still in our quarters. Now that the moment with Samara is over, I feel guilty about it. Maybe I shouldn't have offered to talk to Samara about it, especially not basically in Shepard's place. I need to make sure Shepard knows about it right away. 

I step into our room and a wave of soft floral greets me. I recognize it as Shepard's shampoo, and the scent sets fire to my blood. I make a decision in a flash and strip quickly, just in case Shepard is planning to come out of the shower soon. The doors open as I step close, and I'm blessed with the sight of Shepard's naked back. Her red hair is darker and longer when it's wet, reaching almost all the way down her back now. She's rinsing it now, head tilted back, and the muscles in her shoulders and biceps flex. Complete with long, toned legs and a heart-shaped ass...damn. 

Shepard looks over her shoulder and grins. "Didn't you already start your day?"

"I'm not convinced my day can start until I've been inside you," I counter. "Do you mind?"

Bright green eyes scan me, heat building in her gaze. "Not at all, big guy." 

I grin and join her under the spray, no longer needing to adjust the temperature of the water when she's in here alone; Shepard always showers with the water hot enough for a Turian. We move toward each other at the same time, Shepard eagerly greeting my mouth and sliding her hand under my fringe. Nimble fingers work the sensitive spot she knows is there, and I cup her ass to pull her against me. With Shepard wet, naked, and writing, it takes me seconds to get hard, and Shepard doesn't wait a second to start stroking my length. 

My fingers find the inside of her soaking wet, too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one of us who gets outrageously turned on this quickly. I drive Shepard into the wall and slip my finger inside her, Shepard gasping against my mouth and fisting my cock. "Yes, Garrus," she moans, clinging to me. 

"I love the way you say my name when you wanna cum for me." I nip her ear and tug the lobe with my teeth, Shepard shuddering against me. I lift her, holding Shepard against the wall while I slip my forearms under her knees. Shepard knows what's coming, and she pants heavily. "You wanna get fucked, baby?" 

"Yes, please," she murmurs, nibbling my mandible. "I need you." 

I kiss her hard, shoving my tongue into her mouth and stroking my cock into her pussy. It will never stop shocking me how good this woman feels, and I'll never stop loving how much she loves it. Shepard drops her head to my shoulder and moans, rocking her hips to try and adjust. "Oh, Elle," I breathe, nuzzling her. I need my time to adjust, too. 

"Garrus...fuck me," she pleads, panting. 

"I love when you wake up cock hungry." And I have no problem giving my love what she needs, lifting and lowering Shepard to fuck her on my cock. I slam my hips forward to meet her, my quad slapping drowned out by the shower and Shepard's cries. I step away from the wall and get both of us back under the hot spray, fucking her rapidly with nothing but me to keep her stable and safe. She's helpless and she loves it. "You like when I use you, don't you, my love? You like being my little slut?" 

"Yes...God, yes," she moans, nails digging into my fringe. "I'm yours, all yours. Use me," she gasps. "Take me. Yours." 

My heart seizes in my chest, love and admiration swelling inside me. "Mine," I whisper, pulling back to watch her face. Much more mine than she knows even. I go harder, faster, taking Shepard the way that she needs so that she's slumping against me and then exploding on my cock. Her body clenches around me almost violently and I don't resist the urge to fill her, to make her mine on the inside too. 

When the orgasm releases me, I slump against the wall to make sure I can hold both of us up. Shepard rests her face against my throat, pressing soft and gentling kisses there. I let her legs down slowly but keep her closer, hugging her against me. When we kiss this time, it's soft and slow. Neither of us is in a rush to let go or to pull away, and we're only spurred into action when EDI has to warn us about the hot water supply. Shepard announces that she is not sorry.

She was an excellent distraction, but I came back up here for a reason, and I revisit that while we get dressed. "Samara wanted to talk this morning," I tell Shepard, pulling my pants on. "She, uh...she was looking for you, but you were still sleeping, so I offered to talk." 

"Okay. Is everything alright?" 

I turn to look at her, Shepard pulling a shirt on over her head. "You're okay with it?"

"Okay with what? You talking to Samara?" She laughs and shakes her head a little. "I don't think I need to be worried about the vigilante and the Justicar hooking up. Although it'd make a good romance novel." 

"That is not what I meant," I laugh at her. "No, I...I mean, she wanted to talk to you. And I sorta stepped in for you." Shepard looks at me, pulling her hair up and trying to organize the curls. "I just didn't want Samara to feel like she had no one at the moment, but I know that wasn't my place. So I wanted you to hear up front from me before I let you know what Samara needs." 

Shepard smiles, finishes with her hair, and walks up to me. I drop my own shirt to hold her, Shepard wrapping her arms around my waist. "You have no idea how much stress it lifts from my shoulders to know that I have you, that this crew has you. The fact that Samara, who is extremely private, was willing to talk to you speaks volumes. You're my right hand, my go-to. If anyone can stand in my place, it's you." 

"I don't want you to feel like I'm stepping on your feet, though," I tell her honestly. "I'm Turian, chain of command is important to me." 

"You're the worst Turian in the galaxy," Shepard laughs, her giggles contagious, "and I'm not worried about any chains. I know exactly why you told Samara she could talk to you instead. You do whatever you can to hold my burdens, and that includes the crew even if I love them." 

I lean down and kiss her softly. "You don't know what it means to me that I can do that for you."

"It means just as much to me," she promises, tightening her arms around me. "I've always known you were a great leader, Garrus. There's a reason your team on Omega loved you so much." 

It's an instant kick to the gut, and without really meaning to, I pull away from her. Shepard tries to resist it, but she lets me go after a second, and I back away to pull my shirt on quickly. I need the space. Shepard knows a lot about Omega and what happened to my team, but...she still doesn't get it. She doesn't see why what happened why my fault. If she did, she wouldn't talk about me like a good leader. 

"Garrus...where are you going?" I don't even realize I kept backing out of the room until she says that; I'm almost at the steps now. She forces out a laugh that sounds completely humorless. "Somehow you've gotten even worse at accepting genuine praise." 

"Yeah, I know," I laugh, rubbing the back of my head. I know she's trying to lighten the moment and give me a way, and I'm grateful. But it still makes me want to crawl into a bottle when I think about Omega, about my team. I guess that's better than wanting the pistol. Shit. A shudder wracks through my body and Shepard frowns, concern overcoming her face. "I'm...sorry." 

"You don't have any reason to be sorry," she offers. "I just...I just want to help. Actually right then I just wanted to let you know I think you're incredible as my partner on and off mission. But in general. I just want to help." 

Shepard starts to take a step toward me and then hesitates. I hate that she thinks I don't want her to touch me, so I extend my arms to her. "Come here, kid." 

She hurries over and throws herself against me, wrapping her arms around my chest tightly. The enthusiasm makes me laugh and hugging her back makes me feel better. At least a little. I drop my head to her hair and inhale deeply, letting her scent comfort the rest of me. "I'm sorry," I mutter softly. "And I realize I've said that a lot for the last few months so...I'm sorry for that, too." 

"Garrus, can you even begin to count all the things I did and should have apologized for since we met?" Shepard drawls, raising her eyebrows when she looks up at me. 

"Shut up, I don't wanna hear any of it." I kiss her to make sure she can't say a damn word, and Shepard smiles against my mouth. "Can we talk about what Samara needs before I either run like a coward or get so hard I can't think straight?" 

This time she laughs for real, but we compose ourselves and talk about Samara's mission. On Omega, because the universe hates me. But Samara needs help, and this Morinth person is certainly dangerous to demand some of our attention. Shepard agrees and thanks me again before telling Joker to head for Omega. She plans to talk to Samara more about the mission as well, and I touch base with a friend on Omega for a private mission of my own. Long overdue.

*****

We arrive on Omega in late afternoon. It's already been kind of a long day, which is probably my fault since we stopped to do a small mission for the Fifth Fleet, and now we have to investigate Morinth and come up with a plan for Samara to murder her daughter. Shit, this cannot end up as a good day. 

I lead Samara and Garrus off the ship, planning to be back for dinner in about an hour. Hopefully, at that point, we have answers. Or at least a place to start looking for answers. At the moment, our only plan is to hope Samara gets a sense that we can follow. Beyond that, I can have Garrus tap into his old camera feeds and maybe we can track Morinth that way. 

Fortunately, we have EDI. 

"The daily death count on Omega is too high for me to pinpoint an Ardat-Yakshi's location," the AI tells us as we step off the ship and EDI can lock onto Omega's systems. "However, given the reputation of Ardat-Yakshi among the Asari, Aria T'Loak may have tracked her movements." 

"Good idea, EDI," I reply. 

Samara nods and adds, "Thank you." 

Since it's not like anywhere else on this station appears, we head right for Afterlife. The bouncer to get in doesn't stop us, and no one has any reactions that make me worried Archangel gets noticed. I can't help but watch; I'd burn this whole station down before I let Garrus get attacked like that again. 

A Batarian guard is standing at the stairs leading up to Aria's little throne today, instead of Grizz. Garrus nods to him, though, just as comfortable. "How's it hanging, Anto?" 

"Low," the Batarian responds, shaking Garrus's forearms and then letting us go up the stairs. His eyes land firmly on Samara's chest and he doesn't seem to notice me at all. That...doesn't feel great. 

Garrus reaches back for me at the top of the stairs, though. He chooses to approach Aria holding my hand when he never needed to do so. That feels good enough to make up for some random Batarian not noticing me and then some. 

Grizz is on Aria's throne today, sitting on her couch with his feet kicked up onto the table. Her other guards are very still, very serious, so it still surprises me to see Grizz get such different treatment. Garrus said they were close but that seems an understatement; Aria's obviously really fond of him. 

She also seems far more fond of me this time around and greets us almost pleasantly. Samara gets a suspicious look but Garrus slips in that she's a Justicar to the introduction, and that Aria gets the point not to run her mouth. I can tell she doesn't like not being able to, though. 

"So, what do you need?" Garrus moves to the couch, beside Grizz, and makes himself at home. Grizz grins at him, and Aria nods. I choose to remain standing because I don't know that I'm at a place where I can sit around Aria without permission. I'm not one to walk into someone else's home and start disrespecting them. Especially when that someone has been nothing but helpful. "Sit, Shepard." 

Aria pats the seat next to her, and I can't help glancing at Garrus. He winks and my heart skips a little before I cross the room and take that seat. Samara remains standing and gives us some space, seeming to realize she makes everyone here - and everyone on this station, I'm sure - uncomfortable. 

"An Asari fugitive is hiding out here," I tell her. "She's an Ardat-Yakshi. We need to find her." 

"I knew it," Aria spits. She glares at Grizz with what is most definitely an 'I told you so' look, and he puts his hands up defensively. Garrus chuckles and elbows him. "Goddess, those demons. Nothing leaves a body quite so...empty as an Ardat-Yakshi." 

"But you haven't taken steps to kill her?" Samara asks, narrowing her eyes. 

Aria gives her a deadpan look in return. "Why would I? She hasn't tried to seduce me." 

"There's no law enforcement on Omega, Samara," Garrus reminds her. "And no justice either. It's perfect hunting grounds." 

Samara nods, and I look back to Aria. "So you've noticed her. We need a place to start if we're gonna track her down." 

"Her last victim was a young girl. Pretty thing. Lived in the tenements near here. That's where I'd start looking." She nods to Grizz again, and he and Garrus exchange something on their Omni-Tools. Garrus nods to me, a signal that he has a name and directions for us. 

"Thanks for the help." I stand, ready to go on our way. 

"Good luck finding her," Aria replies. "Better luck catching her. And come back after." 

I just blink at her for a minute, and then look at Garrus. He gives me another wink and then shrugs a little. "We'll do our best." He then holds out a hand to me, and I can't resist taking it. He leads me back out the way we arrived. When we get halfway through the club, he drops his head to my shoulder and whispers, "I hope that was okay?" 

"Definitely," I assure him. "I mean...so long as you're coming back here with me?"

"I'd never let you go, baby." He nips my throat, a kiss for a Turian, and then releases me so that we can focus. He starts that by sharing the direction to Morinth's most recent victim. Well, at least her house since that poor soul is long dead. Apparently in an extremely violent and terrible way. 

He leads us through the back of Afterlife, using the alleys to travel Omega. I didn't actually think Omega got worse than it was already, but this is awful. It makes me feel sick to know that Garrus knows places like this so well. 

"There's still a part of you that seems almost at home here," I note, trying not to notice the dead Salarian at the end of an alleyway. 

Garrus scoffs. "No, there isn't. No part of me was ever home on Omega, Shepard." He shakes his head, his expression softening a little. "My home is...with you." 

"Jesus, Garrus. Don't be romantic while someone is throwing up three feet away." 

He chuckles but at least he manages to shake off being angry with me. It's about all I could hope for at the moment, considering where we are. 

"People come to places such as this seeking a better life," Samara muses. "And when they get here they find...this. Vibrant people forced into destitution on a world filled with criminals. They deserve protection. If I survive your mission, I may return here." 

"Samara, this station having someone like you around to protect it the way I wanted to..." Garrus winces, then adds, "The way my team wanted to. That would be amazing." He shakes his head. "But the sort of justice you want to deliver is not to be found here, I can assure you." 

She makes a thoughtful noise, but I can tell she's taking Garrus seriously. And I can tell that neither of them love what they're hearing. 

Garrus leads us through the markets. It's better lit than the really bad parts of the station, but that's really the only improvement. And in a few feet, I spot someone from the Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse. Fortunately, none of them seems to notice Garrus as more than a massive Turian in expensive armor with a human and an Asari. 

We finally reach the tenements, and then find the apartment Aria sent us to. This is where Morinth's most recent victim lived. I buzz for entry, and a woman answers the doors. Before I can say a word, she looks over all of us and then steps aside to let us in.   
"Are you here about my daughter?" she asks, evidently deciding that we're official in some capacity. Well, in whatever capacity would be possible on Omega. "I'm Diana. My...my Nef died a week ago, and no one seems to care." She sits down on a couch, her hands shaking. "The medics said it was a brain hemorrhage, but that's not true. It was murder. Someone killed my Nef, my baby." 

Her voice breaks on the final words and my heart all but snaps with it. "Diana." She looks up at me, eyes wet and cheeks streaked with tears. "I think she was murdered, too. And I'm looking for her killer." 

Diana sobs and leaps to her feet. "Oh, thank you! It's so hard when no one believes you. I'm all alone now, and with Archangel's crew gone..." 

I feel Garrus stiffen even though he's a dozen feet away and not facing me. I'm not sure if that's because of the reminder that his crew is gone, hearing that they meant something to the people here, or both. 

"Are you one of Aria's people?" Diana asks.

"I'm here to help. Does it matter who sent me?" It's not like I can claim Aria's name, just in case I screw this whole thing up. 

"No one else on this hell-hole station gives a damn that my Nef is dead," she notes, shaking her head. "If you can do something about it, I'll help you however I can." 

Garrus turns to look at me, and I can see the request for permission in his eyes. It's not a difficult decision; Garrus was an investigator for a living. I'm a soldier and our commander, but I don't have any real experience with this part of our mission. Besides, I trust him. So, I nod to Garrus and give over control. 

He comes across the room and extends a hand to Diana, not saying a word. She looks up at him and accepts, letting him lead her to the couch and sitting beside her. "We need to know about Nef so we can figure out what happened to her and who did it. What kind of a girl was your daughter?"

Diana actually smiles a little. "My Nef had a fire inside her. She was shy, but she was creative and driven, and..." A sob breaks through her words. "The best girl a mother could hope for." 

"She was creative? How so?"

"She was a sculptor. Several galleries were interested in her, said her work was fresh." 

Garrus gives her a gentle smile, still holding her hand comfortingly. I always pictured him as the sort of investigator who was rough and skirted the line, did what he needed for results. Actually, Garrus pretty much told me that's the kind of investigator he was. But Garrus is excellent at this, too. 

"You must have been very proud of her," he tells Diana, and she nods eagerly. "Did your daughter have a lot of friends?"

"Not a lot, no. She was shy. Spent most of her time off making sculptures, not hanging out with friends," Diana answers. Her face falls. "Something did change in the last few weeks, though. She started talking about an Asari. Morinth." 

Samara steps forward, ready to start demanding information, but I hold up a hand. She stops and nods to me, agreeing to let Garrus handle this. 

"I didn't like her," Diana continues. "She kept dragging Nef out to clubs, and I'm sure she gave my daughter drugs." 

"So this Morinth wasn't a good person," Garrus presses gently. 

"I never met her, but Nef talked about her like she was a queen. You'd swear there was no one else alive when she talked about Morinth." 

Samara makes a soft sound and mutters, "That sounds familiar."

"Morinth often controls her victims with drugs?" I ask. It's the sort of thing that we'll need to account for in our plans. 

"She controls them through sheer will," Samara counters. "The drugs are just a lifestyle. She loves the club, loves the bass. She's a hedonist." 

Now that's useful. 

Diana clutches Garrus's hand with both of hers. "This Morinth...she was the one who hurt my daughter? Is she the one that...that..." 

"I will bring justice to the one that did this," Samara announces, straightening up to her full height. 

"Hey." Garrus gets Diana's attention back on her, and much more gently, he says, "Nef will rest easy soon. You have my word." 

"I hope so," she cries. "Oh, my baby." 

"Did Nef hang out anywhere in particular?" Garrus asks, stroking the back of Diana's hand with his thumb. 

"She was always quiet, working here at home. Then, a few weeks ago, she started going out all the time, to the VIP area of that club down the street. I think you need a password or something to get in there." Diana shakes her head again. "The change was so sudden, she just seemed...tired and distracted when she wasn't around Morinth." 

"Okay, Diana, that's very helpful. Do you mind if we examine Nef's room?"

Diana nods even as she trembles. "I didn't want to disturb anything. Her clothes, her art, her sculptures. Everything is the way she left it. The way it will always be." She breaks down, crying hard, sobs wracking her body. "My baby is gone! She's gone, and nothing will fix that!" 

My heart shatters for her, and I grab a box of tissues before joining her on the couch. Garrus wraps an arm around Diana's shoulders and lets her cry on him for several minutes until she can catch her breath. 

"Thank you," she whispers, voice hoarse now. "I'm sorry. I just miss her so much." 

"It's okay," Garrus assures her. "I...I know what that kind of loss is like." He glances at me and somehow the shattered remains of my heart combust. 

"I know what it means to lose a daughter," Samara chimes in. She's learned quickly not to be so aggressive. "I will avenge your Nef." 

"Thank you. Please, if it helps you find her killer, look through her things." Diana stands and leads us into a bedroom. It looks like it belonged to an artist, sketches and sculptures at various stages of completion, a little clutter here and there. It was a well-loved room and it definitely hasn't been touched recently.

Diana seems reluctant to let us through the door, and I put my hand on her shoulder. "We'll be respectful." 

She nods and lets us inside, staying near the door. I'm drawn right to a statue on the desk, a woman in the throes of ecstasy. It's beautiful. A lot of passion went into this. 

"Nef made that," Diana calls to me. "A man from some gallery offered me four years' salary for it. But I'd never part with it." 

I smile and nod, appreciating that. I wish I had something that belonged to my brother or my parents, especially something they'd created. And when I lost Garrus, even a pin was enough to cling to. Diana needs this. 

"Hey, I found something," Garrus tells me, showing me a datapad. "Looks like a note someone sent to Nef." 

"Go ahead." 

He nods and plays the message, a woman's voice coming through the small speaker. "Nef, I'm sending you this hologram by the Elcor artist Forta. His work is sublime...but don't stare at it too long, or you may go mad. I don't want anything to happen to you, love. Can't wait to hear what you think of Forta." 

I look to Samara and even before she nods, I know from the expression on her face. That message is from Morinth. 

We continue to search, and I find a portable console. On it is Nef's diary. Immediately, I feel horrible about reading it. It's her most private, personal thoughts. I would have been appalled if anyone had read my diary. But we need this, so I open the oldest entry in the diary and play it. 

It's a holo-diary, and an image of Nef pops up. She's a pretty girl, short blonde hair in a hip cut and big eyes. Garrus and Samara come beside me to watch. 

"Hey, diary. Cycle 24, orbit 671. There's a lot to talk about! I dropped Jaruut's name, and they let me into the VIP room at Afterlife. I was sure everyone was staring at me. The most beautiful Asari starts dancing near me. She moves like water, form and volume but shifting, changing. I'm in a trance. Then I'm dancing with her. Later, we went for skewers, and I'm supposed to see her again tomorrow." 

I have a bad feeling about it, but I play an entry toward the middle of the list, a few weeks ago. "Cycle 36, orbit 671." Nef's eyes are wider and she's moving around on the holo screen like she can't sit still. "Am I a freak? Morinth is a girl like me, and she's definitely not human. Just...when we dance and the Hallex is flowing through me... The way she looks at me, with a hunger, a longing... No one's ever looked at me like that. We kissed tonight." 

When I play the most recent entry, the Nef that comes up on the holo-screen is barely recognizable. Her eyes are wide and flashing around, her hair is a mess, and her movements are erratic. "She's strung out," Garrus mutters, soft enough to keep it from the poor girl's mother. 

"Cycle 42, orbit 671. She's going to take me to her apartment tonight. Whatever happens, I want to be with her forever. She can sell my pieces, we can live somewhere glamourous like the women in Vaenia, the vid Morinth likes. How did this happen to me? I'm just dumb trash from Omega." 

Yikes. That feels like far too familiar self-talk. 

I look up at Garrus and find him watching me sadly. He's said that he doesn't deserve me more than once. It breaks my heart every time. And hearing Nef say it about someone so horrible...

I force myself to shake it off for now, especially with Diana right there. I close the diary and put it right back where I found it. Then we thank Diana and I take her contact information so we can give her updates; she deserves to know when justice has been served. 

"Okay." I take a deep breath when we get outside the apartment and instantly regret it. Omega. "We need to get back to the ship and get planning, We can have dinner and then - " 

"Actually," Garrus cuts in, taking my arm before I can start to walk away, "I made a plan for dinner for the two of us." 

My stomach clenches when I think he means plans for Aria and Grizz. But the look on his face is...shy. Even nervous. Garrus doesn't get shy or nervous about sex, no matter who it's with. Something tells me this is serious. 

I turn to Samara but she puts a hand up and nods. "I can find my way back to the ship, and I will see you after dinner for planning. Thank you for doing this today. Diana and I both need it." 

Samara parts from us, parting crowds easily as she marches off with the hyper-sexual stride that screams danger. The moment she's out of earshot, I look up at Garrus. He's got no choice but to tell me what's going on now. "I only got confirmation when we first got here so I didn't say anything before then, but..." He looks around and then pulls me down the hall like he wants to get privacy, but he's clearing his throat so I know this is just about him being uncomfortable. 

"Garrus, is everything alright?"

"It's...yeah," he answers. "I'm just...maybe I should cancel. We can eat on the ship and then stick with our plans with Aria. Forget it." 

"Garrus!" I grab his arm and jerk him backward to stop him. "I don't care about our plans with Aria, and obviously this is important. More important than sex. Please tell me what's going on." 

He takes a breath and rubs the back of his fringe. "I emailed Nalah Butler and told her we were coming to Omega. She invited us to her apartment for dinner tonight. But if you don't want to - "

"Garrus, I think this is wonderful," I assure him. He gives me an anxious look. "Seriously. She was obviously important to you and worried about you. I'm...I'd really love to meet her. And your godbaby." 

That gets a smile out of him and he finally relaxes a little. "If you're sure...it would really mean a lot to me if you'd come. I don't actually know if I could do this without you. Seeing Nalah will be..." 

"Like seeing her husband. Like seeing Devon and the rest of your team." Garrus winces a little and nods. "I get it. And it means a lot to me that you trust me to go with you. We still don't talk about Omega much." 

"I'm still not ready," he says immediately, trying to cut me off from even beginning that conversation. It stings, but I force a smile and a nod. Garrus will talk to me eventually. He'll trust me with it eventually. He has to. And for now, he still gives me that smile I like so much and kisses me softly before taking my hand and leading me away. 

Nalah doesn't live far, but Garrus is walking slower than he ever has. I don't point it out. He needs time to be okay with this, and that's okay. And at least he actually goes through with it. Eventually we stop in front of a red door in an apartment building that seems a lot less scary than I would have expected. I let him knock, and he manages it after a long moment. 

The woman who answers it is a few inches taller than me and very slight, blonde hair cut to her ears. She looks tired but happy. Thrilled, really, when she looks up at Garrus and recognizes him. Nalah lets out a scream and leaps into Garrus, throwing her arms around his neck. Instantly it eases Garrus's anxiety, and he wraps his arms around Nalah, straightening so that it lifts her feet right off the floor. 

"Oh, God, look at you!" she chirps when she releases him. Her face doesn't fall completely when she takes in the bandaged side of his face, but I see the pain there. "It's no wonder everyone believed you were dead." 

Garrus laughs easily and notes, "That's a good thing, Nal, since it means I could visit you...and introduce you to Shepard." 

They both turn to look at me and my face heats instantly, like I just shoved it against a ship engine. They're both giving me way too fond a look for me to handle, and then Nalah is yanking me into a hug that's tight enough to knock the wind out of me. "Thank you," she whispers. "Thank you so much for finding him, for protecting him." 

I can't help but hug her back, and I'm almost sad when she lets me go. She's so warm! 

"Oh, my God, I'm keeping you in the hallway. Please come in, come in!" Nalah steps aside and motions us in, and Garrus takes my hand before leading me through. The apartment is super cute, small and cozy. It's also clean and smells totally different from the rest of Omega. "I know it's small, but - " 

"It's great, Nalah," Garrus assures her. I agree. 

"Make yourselves at home," Nalah assures us, heading toward a door at the back of the room. "I'll be right back!" 

She disappears, and I sit on the couch to give Garrus some space. He wanders toward a picture on the wall, and I recognize it as the same picture Garrus showed me on his Omni-Tool. His whole team smiling, Devon kissing his cheek. Garrus lifts a hand toward the picture but then drops it, and for a moment I think he's going to lose it. He looks like he might make a dash for the door. 

And then Nalah returns, holding the much smaller Devon in her arms. Garrus lights up instantly, and his expression makes my heart skip. It's not hard to blame him either. Baby Devon is absolutely adorable. 

"Garrus, this is your godson, Devon," Nalah introduces them, turning the baby to face Garrus. "Devon, this is Uncle Archie." 

Garrus laughs and narrows his eyes playfully at Nalah, the horrible nickname obviously something of an inside joke. Garrus can't manage to care for long though; he's too distracted by the baby. And if that's not the cutest thing I've ever seen, I don't know what is. 

The baby extends a hand to Garrus and makes soft cooing noises while the massive Turian offers his finger for a tiny hand to wrap around. My heart melts when Nalah hands the baby over, Garrus holding the sweet little guy like an old pro. An old pro who loves babies. Shit, he really is the perfect man. 

Dinner with Nalah and baby Devon ends up being a great time. Nalah is sweet and funny, and she nails the balance between being nostalgic about the team and not going so far that it hurts Garrus. Probably because he's missing her husband just the same. The baby is an excellent bonus and I hold him for as long as possible. Sure, my ovaries are exploding and I'm going to be suffering for months at least knowing there's no baby for me soon, but damn I'd take the suffering for baby snuggles any day. 

We're all a little sad when we have to leave, but Nalah and Garrus both make promises to stay in touch, and Nalah thanks me over and over again. She even thanks me for loving him. As if it's not the easiest, most fulfilling thing I've ever done. 

We start back to the ship, both of us happier than we should be on this hellhole station. "Thank you for coming with me tonight, kid," Garrus breathes, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pressing his mouth to my hair. "I...I think I needed this." 

"Garrus, I would do anything for you. Spending the night with a gorgeous little baby and someone who cares that much about you is not a hard ask." 

He just hums and kisses my hair again, pulling me even closer. I wrap my arms around him. "I needed this, too. A night to really be at ease before I have to plan a mission to kill something super deadly that also happens to be one of my crew member's daughter." 

"Yeah," Garrus laughs. "This whole thing promises to be hell, huh?"

"Mmhmm. But it won't be the first time we go through hell together, right?"

"Not the first and probably not the last. We've got this, baby." 

I tilt my head and catch his mouth for a quick kiss. "There's nothing Shepard and Vakarian can't handle."


	36. Everything

The entire crew is interested in the mission to bring down an Ardat-Yakshi. Most of us just learned the legend so it's a chance to tackle real-life mythology. For all of us, it's a badass enemy and a crewmember who needs help. Garrus and I arrive after dinner to a crowd of the crew waiting, ready to plan. I'm proud of them. 

"Samara, you should lead the planning," I say, taking the head of the table. Samara is on the seat to my right, Garrus at my left hand. 

Samara nods and takes a breath, choosing her words carefully. I get the feeling she wants us to understand the severity of this, but she doesn't want to freak us out so much that we change our minds. And that makes me think she already has a plan. "Caution is wise. Morinth speaks to you on many levels. Her body tells yours that she'll bring you unimaginable ecstasy. Her scent evokes emotions long hidden. Her eyes promise you things you were always scared to ask of another. Her voice whispers to you after she is done speaking." 

"She sounds more like a highly evolved killer than someone with a genetic defect," I note, more than a little disturbed. Garrus gave me some of the details but that sounds super intense. 

"The condition has been present since my people huddled around fire at night," Samara continues. "Perhaps it is symbiotic, rather than a defect. In any case, storming her den would be a mistake. She will have a hundred escape routes planned. She will go to ground and disappear for another fifty years or more. This is the closest I've been." 

"So we have to lure her out," Garrus muses. 

"Exactly!" Samara replies, more animated than I've seen her before. "Garrus, you read my mind. Afterlife's VIP section seems her preferred hunting ground. Our planned target must go there alone and unarmed."

Ah. There's the catch to this plan. Whoever ends up as bait will end up in extraordinary danger. And so there's really only one choice. 

"I'll be the bait." 

Garrus growls and gives me a look but he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't counter me. He doesn't need to since Samara is already shaking her head. 

"Shepard, I truly appreciate your dedication to helping me. But Morinth is almost certain to recognize you," she counters. 

"She's right, Shepard," Tali chimes in, her voice gentle because she's probably expecting me to freak out. "Morinth would need to live under a rock to avoid recognizing you." 

I want to freak out. I want to start ranting all the reasons I need to be the choice - not the least of which is that my crew's safety is my responsibility. But they have a good point. 

"Okay. But if not me, who are we sending in?"

"Morinth is attracted to violence; it excites her. She admires strength, directness, and vigor. Someone with a spark, slightly isolated from their peers." Samara looks right at me and continues, "We need someone deadly, someone who is sexual at a glance..." 

Her gaze travels across the table, and the moment I realize she's looking at Garrus, two things hit me hard right in the gut. 

One: she's right. Garrus is the most obvious choice. 

Two: Garrus is going to be in greater danger than ever before, even greater than when he was on that bridge on Omega. And I barely got him off that bridge alive. 

Garrus is calm. He knew that Samara was going to suggest him. "Are you okay with this?" I ask him, reaching for his hand. Garrus meets my palm halfway and covers it with both of his. 

"You can draw Morinth out," Samara tells him. "She'll certainly flee if she catches sight of me. But she won't be able to resist you. You're an artist on a battlefield, you have a vital spark that attracts her. Your power will draw you in." 

"Morinth is not the only one," Kelly quips, dramatically fanning herself. 

Laughing at her and with the crew at that moment is exactly what I need to ease some of the tension. But only some. I'm still potentially sending Garrus to hell. 

"Gonna get to brush up those pick-up skills, big guy?" Joker teases. "Better hope you didn't lose your touch." 

I snort and roll my eyes, drawing more laughter from the crew. Garrus gives me a look that could set me on fire, and he breathes, "What was that, Shepard? Do you need me to tell the crew that those pick-up skills picked you up...the first night we met?"

I whack his shoulder for it even though I can't help laughing, and the crew acting all scandalized helps. It's impossible to deny any of what Samara just said about Garrus. If I had to pick anyone on this crew to go on a seduction mission - maybe even anyone in the galaxy - Garrus would be my choice. 

But I don't love this. And I admit that out loud. 

Garrus takes my hand again and squeezes. "I'll be careful," he promises. "And I'm not all that worried about her being able to seduce me." 

"Don't underestimate Morinth," Samara warns him. 

I glance at her but Garrus takes my chin and pulls me to look at him. "I'm not underestimating her. I just already have everything I want. She can't offer me a damn thing, Ardat-Yakshi or no." 

"Well, damn," Jacob laughs, the crew erupting in whistles and catcalls. I don't care. I don't even care that they escalate when I yank Garrus into me for a kiss. He deserves it. 

We agree that tomorrow night is the night to execute our plan so that we're not rushing tonight. It also lets us recruit Aria for help so that I can be in the club, watching, without putting the mission at risk. And it gives me another night to get used to the idea of what I'm sending Garrus into. 

Hanging with the crew helps, especially since they all get silly and share dating stories. And they have some really terrible dating stories. It makes me appreciate that I never really had that phase of my life; it's not like I need it now. 

"Shepard is your most impressive pick-up, right?" Zaeed asks Garrus with a lustful grin. 

"Ew, do not talk about Shepard like an object," Gabby hisses, glaring at Zaeed. I nod to agree with her, instantly grossed out. I'm not a trophy he won. 

Garrus squeezes my thigh under the table, settling me. He doesn't think of me that way, and that's what matters. Besides, it gets Zaeed to swear at us and then leave, looking for liquor instead of companionship. 

"Bet you're a helluva wingman, Vakarian," Jacob notes, grinning at him. It's definitely a hint. Great, now he's going out to seduce other people for Jacob, too. 

"Your wingman can't be hotter than you!" Hadley protests. "Vakarian would steal all your kills for the night." He has to duck when a barrage of things are thrown at him for calling women 'kills' but he apologizes and handles it with a grin. 

"First of all," Garrus interjects. "I'm not interested in 'kills' anymore, thank you. And I wouldn't steal them anyway. If I had a preference, it wasn't human women. Or...women at all." 

He almost doesn't say it, and I understand why. It's not easy to tell people you're not straight, especially when you're already the alien. Garrus is comfortable here and doesn't want that to change. 

"Good to know!" Matthews chimes in with a grin. "You've been voted official crew wing man, congratulations." 

They all laugh, and I can feel a wave of relief come over Garrus. I've done my share of coming out, including to him, and I squeeze his hand gently. He looks back to me, and I kiss him. "I'm proud of you for that." 

"You're whoring me out to find a mythological murderer, you should be proud of me for a lot," he quips. 

"For the record, I offered who whore myself out but everyone thought it was a bad idea, and wow that sounded better in my head." 

Garrus throws his head back and laughs, that free and hard laugh that's so rare from him but is the most musical of all his laughs. It's my favorite, one that I've never heard anyone else draw from him. And he looks more beautiful when he's smiling than at any other time. 

And when he's that beautiful, I want to get him into bed. Especially because he's going to be with another woman, at least in some capacity, tomorrow. 

"We're settled on this plan. Wanna get out of here with me?" Garrus recognizes the line, of course, and his eyes flash dangerously before he nods. We say quick goodnights but Garrus is tugging me toward the elevator the entire time, and I'm not doing a lot to resist him. 

He pulls me against him in the elevator but not in a rushed, reckless way like he does when he's super eager to get into bed. This time it's a gentle hug, his arms coming firmly around me where I can rest my head on his chest and hug him back. "This was...kind of a weird day," he breathes, lowering his head to rest on top of me while the elevator climbs toward our quarters. 

"I think that's a big understatement." In one day, we had incredible shower sex, an almost-incident about Omega, we saw Aria and I thought we were going to get naked with her, we had a really intense start to this investigation, dinner with Nalah and time with baby Devon, and we decided Garrus is going to be bait for an Ardat Yakshi. This day was almost too much. "Is there any chance you just wanna veg out and watch a movie or something?" 

Garrus laughs as the doors opens, but he doesn't release me or move yet. "That sounds amazing, Shepard. It's exactly what I want." This time I get a wave of relief. Just thinking about the day made me tired, and I want nothing more than snuggling on our couch with a movie. "I think we still have popcorn and chocolate up here, too." 

"This keeps getting better." 

We go to our quarters, our home, and both of us change into something more comfortable. Tonight, that means sweats. And then we climb onto the couch, find an old Blasto movie, and cuddle up. Garrus lays with his head in my lap, the position oddly vulnerable for him. It's also adorable and lets me stroke his fringe. And when I start yawning, Garrus shifts so that I can lay down on the couch in front of him. 

"No idea how something with hard ass plates is so comfortable," I note, warm and cozy in his arms. Garrus chuckles and nuzzles into my neck. Soon the sound of explosions fade and I feel myself falling asleep. It's been a stressful day, a far too long day, and tomorrow is going to be much, much worse. This is what I need tonight, snuggling with my best friend and falling asleep in his arms. 

I feel Garrus kiss my head once between sleep takes me and I can fade away, leaving this day behind. 

*****

Getting dressed for a date with a woman who is not Shepard is a very weird experience. I realize while doing it that I assumed this part of my life was over. I'm not sure when I decided that was true, when she came back or when she told me that she loved me, or maybe when we became official. But while Shepard has been stressing out about whether or not I'll never trust her, ever believe she's not going to leave, and while I haven't been able to give her a good answer, my mind and my instincts have been on the same page. 

I'm done dating; I'm in the last relationship of my life. Shepard is it for me. 

It's a damn good feeling, especially considering what I'm walking into tonight. It gives me a little bit of a confidence boost that I'll manage Morinth's attempts to destroy me. It still doesn't tell me how to convince Shepard I trust her. 

Of course, there's a ring in my sock drawer that could probably do that if I could get the quad to give it to her. 

I shake it off and finish getting ready. I have to dress and act like a single man tonight, so for once I consider it a good thing that I don't have Shepard's mark on my throat. I choose the same outfit that I wore to Tarquin's party and can't help thinking about how much Shepard liked it on me. Tonight isn't going to be easy for her. 

"How you doing, big guy?" Joker's voice startles me; I hadn't heard the doors to the Main Battery open, which is weird. I need to get out of my head if I'm going to be safe tonight.

"I'm fine," I tell him. 

"Really?" He sits down carefully on a packing crate, knowing that I'd tell him if I thought it would break and put him in casts. "Because if I were going out to pick up something the Asari call a demon and hope I could hang onto my soul around her, I'd be a little shaken up." 

I laugh at him. "There's a reason we have very different jobs, Joker. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not too anxious. I'm trying not to be." 

"Yeah, maybe you should meditate with Samara or something. You should probably be calm going into it." 

"Well, don't freak me out about it and I'll be calm," I quip, narrowing my eyes at him while securing my belt. Joker laughs and holds up his hands. "You seen Shepard?"

Now the pilot gives me a wolfish grin. "You eager to see what Kasumi dolled her up in this time?" 

"The dresses have their merit, but I'm more into the heels." I wink and he laughs, standing to follow me out of the Main Battery. Unlike the last time we dressed up for a night out, tonight Shepard is ready first and waiting for me. The mood about the whole affair is a little more subdued this time, too. But Shepard looks every bit as exceptional. 

"Not bad, big guy," she teases, leaning on the table and giving me a grin. It doesn't reach her eyes. 

Shepard is going to hang out with Aria and keep an eye on the VIP section of the club while I go in and attract Morinth. She'll then meet up with Samara and trail us back to Morinth's place - or wherever she takes me - and lay in wait. Shepard will be there if something goes wrong, but at a distance the whole time. She won't be on my six, the way I am for her during missions, and she's feeling the stress. 

"Very handsome, Garrus," Tali greets me with an approving nod. 

"Thank you." I notice that most of the crew is dressed as well, planning on having their own night out. But they won't leave until they know things that have gone well. They don't want to be out at a club when they find out I was killed by an Ardat-Yakshi.

_Yeah, that's exactly where your mind doesn't need to go, Vakarian._

I hold a hand out to Shepard and she accepts, letting me pull her toward me and then laughing when I guide her to turn in a circle. "You're gorgeous," I tell her honestly. Shepard is wearing a black top that ties behind her neck and exposes most of her back and shoulders. Her skirt is tight and short, her long legs bare until they end in a pair of heeled boots. I want those boots over my shoulders immediately. 

"Don't get those thoughts in your head before you go meet Morinth," she scolds me playfully, reading the look on my face. 

"The thoughts are only for you." I lean down and kiss her briefly before turning to Samara. "Are we ready for tonight?"

"I believe so," she agrees. "We should not approach the club together." 

Shepard nods. "I have a shorter trip, so you two should head out first. I'm assuming you know where the VIP entrance is, Garrus?" 

"Yeah, I know. And I'll use the name we got from Nef to get in. It might be shady if a use a password from Aria." 

"Wait, you've known the password into the VIP section this whole time?" Hawthorne demands, no anger in his tone. "Every time we've gone to the seedy part of Afterlife, we could have gone to the slightly less seedy VIP section?" 

I shake my head and move to Samara, offering my arm. "You'll have to take that up with your commander. Who I will see soon." 

"Soon," Shepard agrees, nodding and forcing another smile. I give her a much more genuine smile, thinking about this being my very last relationship ever, and it helps. Shepard brightens a little. 

Samara pats my arm and I head out with her, leaving the ship with another woman almost as weird as going to pick one up. I'm always with Shepard now, always at her side or on her six. And I like my life that way. 

I send up some hope to the Spirits that this will be the only time I have to do a mission this far from Shepard. 

We're quiet on the walk to the VIP entrance of Afterlife, which is very intentionally set at the end of a convoluted path. I don't mind the quiet at all. I wouldn't really know what to say that we haven't already about all this, and it doesn't really feel like a time for conversation about other things. 

"Have you ever tried meditation, Garrus?"

Okay, I guess Samara thinks it's a good time for conversation about other things. 

"I haven't, no," I tell her honestly. "Shepard seems to enjoy it, but...I'm not sure I'd be any good at mindfulness." 

"Doesn't that seem like all the more reason to try it?" 

"Wow, very deep of you, Samara," I tease her, grateful when she chuckles a bit. 

"Shepard shared with me that your empathy is one of the things she admires most about you," she tells me. I blink at that, genuinely surprised. It's not something I'd use to describe myself and wasn't on the list of things I thought Shepard likes most about me. "I have also surmised the nature of your sexual relationship." 

"Oh, this took a turn," I laugh, definitely surprised and more than a little uncomfortable now. I'm not shy about who I am, but my sex life with Shepard doesn't just involve me. And talking about with a millenia-old Justicar is definitely odd. 

"Did it? Both your empathy and your role as a dominant partner require that you hold much for others. It is a burden, even if it is one you welcome." She cocks her head a bit. "All burdens must be relieved, and mindfulness - meditation - is a way to do that." 

"Is that why you recommended it for Shepard?" I ask. "She's the most empathetic person I've ever known." 

Samara nods. "Shepard is an empath and so she feels other's emotions as they are feeling them. It would be draining on anyone but for someone in Shepard's role and for a biotic...I feared it could become dangerous without mindfulness."

I wonder if she shared any of this with Shepard, since I only knew that Samara told Shepard mindfulness enhanced the focus needed for biotics. I suppose that's part of this, though. If she can't be mindful, she can't focus. 

"I'm a sniper," I muse. "Mindfulness is needed, in a way, to focus for a target. Especially with a difficult shot or a long stakeout." 

"Ah, this is true. So you are rather skilled at it, then." She looks up at me briefly, though I only stand a couple inches taller than her tonight. "At least in combat." 

Hmm. I can focus for hours in combat. I've been on stakeouts that lasted days and never broke focus. I can find a similar sort of focus in bed; Shepard hates my patience, the focus that lets me old onto my control and hold off my orgasms until she's a pliant puddle. But outside of that...

Sometimes, my emotions hit or a thought comes that overwhelms me. Like when Shepard mentioned my old team yesterday, or when the names so thoughtfully engraved into my new visor catch my eye. There are still times when I wake up from a dream and can think of nothing but diving into a bottle, never coming out again. There are still times when I see the pistol at Shepard's belt and want that cold steel on my tongue again. 

If I could find mindfulness, focus, during those moments...could I control them? At least lessen them, enough to comfort myself and Shepard. I don't want to keep running from her at any mention of Omega, but I can't continue having conversations about it either. There's still too much...and I'm not always focused enough to stay safe. 

"Yeah, maybe I could consider meditation," I allow. Some part of me wants to remind me that I'm Turian and meditation could be considered mental health care; we don't do that. I tell that part of me to shove it. 

"I think Shepard could be an excellent teacher for you," Samara says. "You obviously have learned much from each other already." 

"I'll consider it. Thanks, Samara." 

She nods again. "We have a dangerous mission ahead of us at the Omega 4 Relay. I know that you and Shepard work tirelessly to get us all prepared, I know that is why we are here tonight. Just remember to get yourselves prepared." 

"We aren't just here tonight for crew readiness, Samara," I note. "Or even because Morinth is dangerous. This is important to you. That's why we're here." 

This time when she looks up at me, I meet her gaze, and after a beat, Samara smiles. Her cheeks might even flush, but even I don't have an ego big enough to think I could make a Justicar blush. "I believe that. Thank you." 

"Of course. Just tell me you think I have a shot at surviving this." 

She lets out a thoughtful sound as we approach the VIP entrance. "I would not have chosen you if I did not think you had a chance. A bonded Turian is the perfect subject to resist Morinth." 

My heart leaps up into my throat and hammers, knocking the wind from me. "How did you - " 

"What do you want?" the Turian bouncer at the door demands. I don't recognize him, which benefits me, but I still have to catch my breath from the bomb Samara just dropped. The only living people I thought knew for sure that I bonded to Shepard were Tali and Sidonis. Am I that obvious?

I shake it off and find my focus. I can deal with that later, after I survive Morinth. 

"What's behind this door?" I ask casually. It's unmarked out here, the real entrance inside. You have to get past this point, though. 

"VIP section of the club," he answers. "For those with the right name." 

Perfect. "Someone did tell me the rest of Afterlife is nothing compared to this place." 

"Sounds like a smart person," the bouncer notes, eying me and Samara in turn. He likes what he sees, and I tighten my hand on Samara's arm when he fixes his codpiece right in front of us suggestively. "Who was it?"

"Jaruut." 

The bouncer nods but seems almost disappointed. I have no doubt he was hoping to extort us with something more interesting than a name for entry. He steps aside and motions us through without trouble. "Go on in. Word to the wise: start a fight, we'll hurt you. Someone attacks you, it's okay to defend yourself." 

Samara and I both nod, then proceed into the short hall that leads to the VIP entrance. Beyond those doors is the club, the drugs, the drinks...Morinth. 

I use my Omni-Tool to connect my comms with Samara and with Shepard. "Shepard, you there?"

"I'm here, big guy," she answers right away. "I'm in position." 

"So are we," I tell her. 

Samara turns to face me. "You must go on alone from here. Morinth will be watching. Like any predator, she is cautious. You must pique her interest enough that she will approach you. When you are face-to-face, subtly encourage her to invite you to her apartment. I'll follow discretely, and when you are alone, I'll spring the trap." 

She glances around to make sure we're alone and adds, "Know this: until I get there, you are in great peril. She will be planning to inflict horrors on you. If you are not careful, you will want her to." 

I nod, but Shepard asks, "How can he spark her interest when he's not even talking to her?"

"Thanks, kid," I quip.

"You know what I mean!" Shepard protests, Samara chuckling at her. 

The Justicar grows serious again quickly, though. "Courage or suicidal bravery could attract her. Hurt someone in defense, and she will be excited; pick a fight, and she'll be bored. Show skill at working through a nightclub crowd. She will want you the moment she sees you. The rest is just a matter of overpowering her caution." 

"I know her type," I assure them. "She wants someone direct; modest and meekness bore her. Violence excites her."

"Does it entertain anyone else that Shepard and this Morinth have the same taste?" I hear Aria quip on Shepard's end. I laugh, choosing to believe that Shepard wanted me as quickly as Samara believes Morinth will. 

"Getting her alone, falling under her sway," Shepard mutters, still anxious of course. "That'll require careful timing." 

I open my mouth, but Samara says, "I will be near, and I will watch out for Garrus, Shepard. Trust me as I trust and honor you." 

Wow.

I hear Shepard exhale slowly. "You're right. Okay. Let's get this show on the road. Leave comms open, and I'll meet Samara when you leave with Morinth." 

I frown and shake my head even though she can't see me. "You want to stay on comms? The whole time?"

This time, it takes Shepard a moment to respond and I hate the insecurity I can hear in her voice when she finally does. "You don't?"

"Shepard...I don't think I can pretend I'm single with you listening in," I admit, laughing a little. "That's just too weird for me." 

She confirms quickly and then ends the comm channel, though I hear Samara's tool click with a new channel. Shepard isn't happy about this, and I don't think she wanted to listen in just for my safety - especially since Samara and Shepard will have eyes on me the whole time for that reason. She thinks she'll feel more secure about this if she can hear me, hear what I say to the other people in the club and to Morinth. I think she's wrong, but part of me wishes I had let it go. I don't want her upset with me, not now.

But now also isn't the time to fix this. I have to focus on a different woman right now, as much as I hate that. I have to believe that Shepard will still be here, still be with me when this is all over. Hard as that is to believe, she's been asking me to trust her. 

I nod to Samara and head for the door, but she stops me with a hand on my arm. "We only get one chance at this. Any mistake, and Morinth will disappear." 

"I understand," I assure her, recognizing the need I see in her eyes. Sometimes a target is too damn important to let go. 

"I know. Thank you. I do not share this burden easily, and you two are the only souls I can imagine sharing it with." 

I pat her hand and give her the most reassuring smile in my arsenal. It still works, and Samara smiles as well before releasing me. She lets me take the lead on the most important mission of her life. Shepard lets me walk into a deadly trap that could end with me seduced and murdered by a serial killer. Both of them are trusting that I'm strong enough of mind and devoted enough to Shepard to handle this. 

I don't plan on letting either of them down.

The moment the doors let me in, I'm assaulted by the smell of drugs, sweat, and sex. The music is pounding from speakers every few feet, and even just inside the door, couples are giving themselves over to hedonism. 

"Hey!" a human calls before I can take more than a couple steps. He's jumpy, eyes flashing around. He's stoned. I try to just walk past him, just ignore him, but he steps right in my path. "Do you know where to get tickets for Expel 10? I heard this amazing Asari say they were her favorite band. I want...I just want whatever she wants." 

"Amazing Asari, huh?" He's not stoned, he's strung out on Morinth. "Is she here?" 

"She's a here a lot," he breathes, voice getting all dreamy. "I'm going to have tickets when she comes back." 

I slap his shoulder hard enough to make him stumble - right out of my way. "Yeah, best of luck with that, buddy." 

I press past him and into the main area of the VIP section of the club. It's set up in a circular fashion, with tables and booths around the edge of the room. Behind the wall are private rooms. You have to walk around one of several platforms to reach the center of the room which is a platform also in a circle, and in the center of the circle, a floor-to-ceiling hologram displays lights that shift with the beat and Asari dancers.

It's hot, humid, the whole room pulsing with an energy. The room screams sex, everyone here chasing a physical high of one kind or another. It's heady, almost dizzying. It's equal parts appalling and appealing. In this room, tonight, I'm the Garrus who never met Shepard. But I was happy to let that Garrus go. I never wanted him back. 

I post up along the side of the room, giving myself a few minutes to settle in. I can feel eyes on me, but I'm not ready to respond to them. I haven't been out of my element with sex and sexual attraction since I was sixteen. This is not a feeling I enjoy. 

I remind myself that I'm not out of my element. There's a gorgeous woman who's hot for me every day. It was barely a week ago that I was seducing that woman and a rather gorgeous man. I can handle this. I can do this. And I don't have to be old Garrus to pull it off. 

"Good credit hunting tonight," I hear from behind me. The voice comes from a Turian, judging by the dual tones and even if I can't hear any subtones over the noise. 

"We got to get enough to keep Hink off our backs," another Turian responds. 

"We'll hit 'em in the alley," the first one continues. "Long as it isn't one of Aria's people, we're good." 

Oh, shit. These guys are thieves, and they're going to target the people in the club who are just trying to have a good night. Shit. I guess I have to be Archangel tonight for a little while too. 

I glance back over my shoulder just to get a look, but they're both on high alert, so one of them notices immediately. "Hey! What are you looking at?" he demands. 

I don't fight the laugh that escapes me. "A pair of sad losers who think they're something. And who might need to find out they're not." 

They both jump up, and I turn around fully when they move to get into my face. Neither is as big as me, and one as a knife on his belt, but it's not in a good position for him to reach it. Amateur; this is why he only ever goes after drunk, high, over-sexed people in an alley. 

"Who's going to show us that?" the first one demands. "You?"

"Pretty boy thinks he's a tough guy," the other guys chimes in. And he's even smaller than the first. I only don't assume size matters when the person also has a spirit like Shepard or Jack. Or Tali. Damn, the Normandy has some strong women. 

The thought makes me grin, and of course the Turian tools think I'm laughing at them. One of them moves to shove me, and I deflect it, then nail him in the jaw. He hits the deck like a brick, out cold. The other one swings wild and wide, making that easy to dodge, and I launch my fist into his gut. The Turian collapses, groaning and holding his stomach. 

I wipe my hands off on my pants and head to the bar. Now, I'm ready.

I never order anything. But I never have to. I'm at the bar for what feels like a second before an Asari practically flashes me, and I have an excuse to get away from the bar. On the dance floor, the Asari is bold, handsy. I have to shove aside thoughts that Shepard is watching this and remember that Morinth is watching. 

I let myself get bored with that Asari and move on to a Turian man. He's almost tempting, and it at least helps me get in the mood. After him comes Asari twins, and they up the heat level for sure. While one of them is at my back, sucking my neck, the other is bent completely in half in front of me and rocking her hips with intent. 

And while I should be focused on them, all I can think about is the red head human watching this. At least it keeps me from getting a hard on. But it swamps me with guilt, too, and I'm glad the comms aren't on because I would have to bail if she could hear these Asari moaning. 

I look up toward the area of the club where I know Aria and Shepard are watching from, another one of her thrones. I can't see her through the glass, but I know she's there. I know she's watching. And I wink, because it's so very human and she'll like it. I just hope it's enough for us to be okay when we're done. 

And then a new hand is sweeping across my waist. It's not familiar, it's not even that it's arousing, but there is a draw. There's a pull. When I first look at the new Asari, motioning me toward her, I think Samara lost her mind and showed up down here. But then I realize there are slight - very slight - differences. This is Morinth. 

I'm standing with her, moving with her, before I even realized I started walking toward her. It's one quick glance into the powers Morinth has. But I have powers too, and Morinth has her leg around my hip, grinding into me. I know what she's looking for, what we wants to feel there, but I can't give her that. That's for one person. 

But Morinth doesn't know that. I drop my face into her throat and breathe, "You want to take me somewhere more private." 

It's not a question. Morinth doesn't want the kind of guy who asks, who begs or wants permission. I'm telling her what I want, and I'm going to get it. 

Seconds later, Morinth and I are leaving Afterlife, and it's hitting me that we are going to her apartment. I'm going to be alone with an Ardat-Yakshi. Spirits, why the fuck did I sign up for this?

***** 

What the hell have I done? What the fuck was I thinking? "What is WRONG with me?" 

I don't realize I say that last one out loud until Aria turns to look at me. And I don't care. Because what the actual fuck. 

"I signed him up to go be alone with an Ardat-Yakshi. I signed Garrus Vakarian up to be alone with something called a demon of the night winds." My vision blurs, hot tears filling my eyes. "I sent the love of my life and the father of my future children off to get murdered, what the fuck was I thinking?!" 

I can hear Aria saying my name vaguely halfway through but I can't stop until she physically grabs my shoulders and shakes me. Hard. 

"Stop it," she snaps. Orders. Commands. "You stop it and you pull it together right now. He's only alone if you leave him alone and you won't dare leave him alone." 

Everything clears. She's right. Garrus will not be alone with that demon.

I jump up from the couch and tell Samara, "Follow them, I'll catch up." 

She confirms and I hit the stairs when Aria calls from behind me, "Keep his fine ass safe, Shepard!" I'm grateful she makes me laugh; I need that right now. 

Outside the club, I use the track on Samara's Omni-Tool and chase her down. I hate that she's several minutes behind Garrus, but I force myself to think rationally about why that's necessary. And then like he knew how desperately I need him, Garrus clicks back onto the comms. I can hear everything. 

I can know that he's still alive, even if I might be too far to help. Again. Just like...

I force that thought down. He needs me to focus. And so I focus on his voice. 

"Some nights I come here, and there's no one interesting to talk to," I hear Morinth saying through the comms. "Some nights, there's just one person. Tonight, it's you. Why is that?"

"I know what I like," Garrus replies. His voice is normal. It's not deep, not turned on. I didn't realize I needed reassurance about that part until right now. 

"Do you?" Morinth asks.   
"I've traveled all over the galaxy. You learn a lot that way. Experience a lot." 

I hear Morinth make a thoughtful noise and try to not think about the way she was touching him when they left. "It changes you, doesn't it?"

"Especially the thrill, the rush...the danger." He's damn good at dropping the bait and making it sound natural. 

"Where you can see and do things most people can't imagine," Morinth muses. They're silent for a few beats. I hate myself for wondering if they're connecting, if they're having a moment. "When I travel, I find myself drawn to dark, dangerous places." 

Now Garrus makes a low, thoughtful noise. "Places or people?" he asks, clearly flirting. And so good at it.

"Violence is the surest expression of power." 

"Violence is a means to an end. Power is that end." 

Morinth giggles. It's a weird conversation to giggle about. "But violence is such a charming way to reach that end." 

They chat, getting to know one another. Garrus smoothly drops the names of things we learned from Nef that Morinth likes and she eats up every moment of it. More than once I can be sure that they're touching one another; I can picture her all over him. By the time I hear them enter her apartment, I feel sick. And not just because we're still a couple minutes back. 

"I'll make us something to drink," Morinth says, her voice fading a little but we can still hear her. Garrus doesn't comment on whether or not he's going to drink. He's hoping he won't be in the apartment long enough to need to bother, and so am I.

"A sword," I hear Garrus muse. "That's...unusual." 

"I was into dueling for awhile. I love the moment you see it in your opponent's eyes; he knows you're better, and he's going to die." 

Garrus doesn't reply. I can imagine he has some things to say about it, though. I can hear him walking around the apartment as we finally, finally get in distance. I know the plan from here. Samara will know when Morinth is making an attempt, and then we will act. We will save him. 

"Have a Hallex if you want, but wouldn't you rather have all your senses be clear and sharp right now?" Morinth's voice has gone deeper. She's definitely turned on. Hot for my guy. My pistol, the gift from Garrus, is in my hand before I realize I decide to grab it. 

I hear leather creak like they're sitting on a couch. I hear fabric moving and wonder if she's running her hands over his chest. I hate it. 

"I love clubs," she breathes. "People, movement, heat. I can still hear the bass, like the drums of a great hunt, out for your blood. But here...it's muted. And you're safe. Is that what you want, Garrus?"

Garrus hesitates for just a moment before answers, and I glance at Samara. She's calm, and I have to trust that means Morinth isn't attacking him. 

"People feel safest right before they die," Garrus replies. 

"I've never understood the fascination with safety. Some of us choose differently. Independence over submission." I wince at that; I submit to Garrus. I know that he wants me to submit, but maybe he wants this, too. Morinth can make him want it. "I think we share that, you and I." 

I hear more fabric moving, and this time I know she's straddling his lap. She's a gorgeous, tall, sexual Asari, and she's straddling Garrus. 

"Tell me about her." 

Samara's eyes fly open and she looks at me, my own heart skipping. We all know who Morinth is talking about, and she is not supposed to know about me. 

"Her?" Garrus asks, impressively playing dumb. 

"Whoever it is that you're thinking about. You have someone on your mind...in your heart. Turian bonding is so powerful, it's almost tangible." 

Now my heart almost stops completely, and I hear Garrus clear his throat. She can sense that he's bonded to me. 

Garrus is bonded to me. 

"So, tell me about her. Who is she?" Morinth presses. 

"She...died," Garrus answers, voice breaking. I don't know if that's because he just got revealed or because he still has trouble with that sentence. It hurts like hell either way. 

"I can be her for you tonight," Morinth breathes, her voice changing. Samara stands, shifting toward the door, and my heart starts to race. This is in. She is in there attempting to seduce Garrus in order to take his soul. If he agrees, if he wants her, he will die, and combined it's the worst thing I can think of. 

I cannot lose him. 

"If you want...let me be her for you." 

There's a long pause, and I hear Garrus's breathing pick up on the other line. I step to Samara. I want so badly to charge through the door and protect him, to save Garrus's life and get that monster off of him. 

But I trust her. More importantly, I trust him. 

And then finally, Garrus responds. "You could never be her." 

"But, you...oh." It clicks for Morinth in the same instance that Samara steps forward. I catch a glimpse of her on Garrus's lap, and then Morinth is flying across the room. And Garrus doesn't move. 

Samara and Morinth are about to do biotic war, and Garrus isn't moving. 

I dart across the room, ignoring them and whatever they're doing, to grab Garrus. Blue eyes that aren't seeing anything flash up at me, and I grab him by the shoulders, finding an unreasonable boost of strength to drag him over the back of the couch and to safety with me. 

"I have you," I tell him, Garrus panting and looking around like he can't figure out what the noises are. "Garrus, it's okay. Just stay down, it's okay." 

I pull him against me, pull his head against my chest, and Garrus's arms fly around me. He squeezes hard enough that it hurts and I squeeze him harder, ducking lower when I hear something crash into a wall. 

"Shepard," he murmurs, looking up at me. Now he can see me, and now I can breathe. "I didn't...I didn't let her. I swear." 

"I know, lover, I heard it all," I tell him, pulling his head back down when there's another crash. "Just breathe for me, okay? Just breathe." 

He nods. The fact that he only nods and doesn't immediately jump up to get into the action makes me nervous as fuck but I need to make sure Morinth isn't going to kill us all first. 

"You stay down," I tell him before moving enough to get a view. And I find the two of them throwing deadly biotic streams at one another, both of them straining. Whoever is going to win is going to need help. 

Samara gives me a nod, permission to give her that help, but Morinth notices. "I'm as strong as she is!" she screams at me. "Let me join you!"

"I am already sworn to you, Shepard," Samara counters. "Let us finish this." 

"Please, Samara, like you even need to ask." 

Samara smiles, and Morinth starts to panic. She takes a step back as I raise my rifle, aware that she can't aim at us both. But I need Samara's permission to kill her daughter. 

I don't need to wait, though. Before I see him moving and certainly before Morinth sees him coming, Garrus is on her. He has Morinth's arms behind her back and then Morinth on her knees, crying out in pain with his knee in her spine. Her biotics stop. 

"I said stay down!" I snap at Garrus, aiming my pistol at him for a moment. 

"Mission wasn't over," he responds, not daring to look at me. He leans down to growl at Morinth, "End of the line." 

"And they call me a monster!" she retorts, glaring at him and then her mother. 

Samara nods to Garrus, and he releases Morinth, getting out of the way in time for Samara to grab her. He comes back to me while Samara crosses the room, kneels over her, and grabs Morinth by the throat. 

"Find peace in the embrace of the goddess." 

I turn away, Garrus right there to let me hide my face in his chest because I cannot watch Samara murder her daughter. 

"It's over, baby," Garrus breathes, holding my head to his chest just like I did his a few moments ago. "It's done, it's alright now." 

I nod, trusting him, and take a breath before turning around. Samara is doing the same, standing up and turning away from Morinth. "I am ready to leave this place and get on with my life," she tells us. 

"Samara...are you okay?"

"What can I say?" she asks, shaking her head. "I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters. There are no words. I will try another time. For now, show mercy on a broken old warrior and let us leave." 

"Samara, you wanna go get drunk?" Garrus asks. I balk at him, but when Samara doesn't respond, I turn and look back at her. 

The Justicar is definitely considering it. And then she nods. "Yes. I think I would like that very much. But perhaps you should get some rest." 

"She's right," I decide, turning to Garrus. "You weren't really even here when we first saw you, Garrus, you need a break." 

He scoffs, just like I knew he would. "I'm fine. I didn't join with her, she didn't - " 

"Garrus, an Ardat-Yakshi does not have to join with you to affect you," Samara interjects. "Tell me you didn't feel a pull, that you weren't doing things before realizing they were happening." 

I study Garrus's face and can see the truth. It did affect him. A goddamn demon affected him. 

"Garrus...physical pain." He blinks and looks down at me. "I need you to come home with me, I need you to rest, and I need to know that you're okay. That after sending you off with Morinth, I didn't..." 

My voice cracks and I look away but Garrus pulls me tight against him again. "Okay, okay. You're right. Let's go home." 

"Will you see Chakwas?" 

"Now you're pushing it," he quips, growling lightly at me.

The laugh starts to ease me a little, and it's enough for me to pull away from him. It's enough for me to stand on my own two feet, even if I'd much rather be leaning on him right now. "Samara, are you sure you're going to be okay? I'm sure the crew will be on their way shortly so you won't be alone, but..." 

"I am not okay, but I will be. And the crew..." She smiles gently. "It will be good to have them there." 

Garrus gets on his 'Tool immediately, stepping away from us to call back to the ship and give them an update. The moment he's further away, Samara pulls me a little closer. It worries the hell out of me. 

"He needs rest immediately," she says, urging me. "Morinth got inside his head without his permission, and that is worse in a way. He should be fine long-term but for tonight he may be...susceptible. Different. I wouldn't let him around anyone who might take advantage of him."

She looks concerned but calm, and that's helping me stay calm too. But I've never been so eager to get Garrus home and in bed. 

Fortunately, we can do just that. Morinth lives way too far from the dock, though, and Garrus is leaning much more heavily on me than usual with his arm around my shoulders. I keep my arm around him and stay ready to catch him if need be. "That was the most uncomfortable mission of my life," he confesses. "I hated every second of that." 

"I can't say that I liked it much either," I admit, resting my head on his chest. "It's not nearly as sexy to watch you get other people hot and bothered when I can't participate and enjoy it, too." 

He chuckles and then winces audibly, his footsteps faltering. He catches himself right away but then stumbles much harder. "Shepard..." 

"Easy, big guy," I breathe, guiding him into a nearby wall where I can get some help holding him up. "What's going on? Talk to me, please." 

"My head is pounding all of a sudden," he breathes, his eyes closed and head down. It's a very vulnerable position, and Garrus does not get vulnerable, especially not on Omega. He realizes it, too, trying to force his eyes open and grabbing my arm. "You're not safe here." 

"Please, I'm the most dangerous person on this station and you know it." 

Garrus laughs and then winces, pressing his hand to his forehead like he thinks his head might explode and is trying to hold his skull together. A biotic migraine, I recognize that. And it's horrible. 

"Let's get you home, big guy." I reach up and take his visor off for him, eliminating that additional sensory input for him. "You're gonna put your arm around me, lean on me. I'll use my biotics to give you a little push, make it easier to walk so you can close your eyes if you need to. Garrus. You're gonna trust me to get you home, okay?"

"Okay. Trust you," he mumbles. At least he didn't hesitate, though. 

Garrus obeys, leaning on me heavily enough that I have no choice but to use my biotics. I lift him just a little with a field, not enough to drain myself or to make it too obvious to the people around us, but letting him 'walk' without any strain. It gets us back to the ship without any major incident, though I know Garrus is really bad when he doesn't complain that I take him to Med Bay. 

Chakwas does a quick exam, especially quick when she's shining a light into his eyes. She has a lot of experience dealing with biotics and the various pains that biotics can cause, so she quickly agrees with me that that's what this headache is. Garrus had his mind fucked with by an Asari, an extraordinarily powerful biotic with a lot of other extraordinarily horrible powers, and his brain needs a break. The doctor gives him a good dose of painkillers and sends us to bed. 

EDI makes sure all the lights are off when we get to our quarters, only the fish tank on its lowest setting illuminating the room. Garrus resists me undressing him a little until I promise to let him dress and undress me every time my clothes come on or off for a week. "I'm holding you to that," he gruffs at me. 

"Excuse you, I'm a woman of my word," I tease him, keeping my voice soft. "Though I don't see the big deal about dressing me. How much fun can it be to get me non-naked?"

"I told you before it's like..." He hisses in a breath and winces. "Wrapping my own present." 

"Stop talking. Sleep now."

He lets me lay him back, but he pulls me down. "Don't go." 

"I'm not," I promise. "You love me so much you shot down a friggin Ardat-Yakshi. I am going nowhere." 

Garrus grins, one that does not hold any pain, and I strip down quickly and scoop Monster up before climbing into bed with him. I choose to be naked save for my underwear to try and keep that grin on him, and I'm relieved when he pulls me into him. "Medicine is working," he murmurs softly. Tonight, Garrus lets me hold him, and that's my gift after all this. 

He shifts lower to rest his head on my chest, and I wrap my arms around him. I run my hand firmly but carefully over his fringe because I know that I scalp massage can help with the pain, too. He's calmer now, steadier. Monster nuzzles against Garrus's chest, making the same purring noise now that Garrus will make once he falls asleep. The medicine is working and the kitten is helping so that he's not in pain, and now that he's not in pain, I remember exactly what happened in Morinth's apartment. 

Morinth dove into his brain, read his emotions and his wants and his needs and his fears, and she saw me. She saw that Garrus is bonded to me, so strongly that a demon whose entire life is about seducing people couldn't seduce him. Garrus is bonded to me. 

Garrus Vakarian bonded with me.

My heart leaps and a swarm of butterflies fills my chest, the fluttering so fast and hard that it takes my breath away. Garrus lifts his head to look at me when I can't hold back a gasp that turns into a sob, concern filling his face. "Baby, what - "

"It's okay," I manage. "I'm okay, I..." The sob brings tears that I don't even mind. "She couldn't get into your brain. She couldn't...she couldn't take you from me. I just...I think that's really amazing." 

"I knew she wouldn't. Samara said that Morinth made people want her by offering them everything they wanted, every desire. Shepard..." He laughs softly and takes my jaw in his hand, shifting up so that our faces are even. "You are everything I want. You're everything I could ever want. You..." 

He pauses when more tears fall. I can see him searching my eyes, and I do my best to hide. I try my best not to let him see it and interrupt before he finds it. I want Garrus to be the one who tells me, not Morinth.

"I love you," I tell him before he can say anything else. "And I know how you feel about me. I know. You don't have to say it, you don't have to say anything. Not until you're ready." 

"You deserve to hear it. You want to," he whispers, voice cracking. He winces, that brain so desperate to rest. 

"You're everything I want," I tell him. "Now come here. Sleep." Garrus doesn't resist, laying back down on me, and I feel the tension leave him in a sigh. "Sleep, Garrus. I have you. I love you."

"Shepard." The word is mumbled, his voice already thick and distant with sleep, and still he manages to make it sound like a prayer. He says my name like prayer and he is bonded to me, and it's the most perfect thing in the world. I have everything I need.


	37. Darkness

As hard as my head was pounding when I fell alseep, my cock is raging when I wake up. I'm used to waking up with a hard-on, that's pretty normal for me. And the range of how hard varies. But this is well outside the range. I try to remember anything from last night outside of that headache, and my mind is completely blank - I don't even know how I got into bed - but this has to be leftover effects from Morinth because I should not wake up in actual pain like my cock has been hard and ignored for days instead of what's probably just a couple hours.

My erection is swollen and hard to even keep under the blanket. And Shepard is sound asleep beside me. I need her.

Shepard is on her back, which is fairly unusual so I don't think we've been asleep long. When I move the blanket to protect my dick, I also reveal her, and the sight is not helping to calm the damn thing down. She's only wearing barely-there black lace panties, her breasts are rising and falling with every breath, and her long legs are already spread like an invitation. I have to have her, I have to have her right now.

I crawl between her legs, positioning myself very carefully because if I lay on my cock when it's like this, I might die. I slide the lace aside carefully to keep from waking her up. Even with a painfully swollen and erect dick, I take a moment to inhale that incredible scent and admire those soft pink folds. She's beautiful, so beautiful. I lean in slowly and run my tongue lightly up her slit, avoiding her clit because I'm not ready to wake her yet. I'm curious how wet I can make her before she wakes up, and I can't help testing my own control.

I press my tongue slowly inside her, gentle not to let my rough tongue hurt her while she's not wet. I kiss her, slow and easy, lapping lightly and teasing her lips. She starts to moan and shift with every kiss before long, but she's still asleep. I can tell by her heart rate, by the way she's breathing even around the gasps. It makes me smile to think that she's probably dreaming about what I'm doing to her right now, and I'm going to make it one hell of a dream.

I dive deeper, tasting that incredibly sweet juice which wets my chin and mandibles, and Shepard arches her back a little. Her hands move, gripping the sheets. When she whispers my name, I reward her with my tongue on her clit.

She snaps into consciousness, her hand flying to my fringe and her body tensing for a split second like she might try to defend herself, but I flick her clit and grip her thigh and this time she screams out my name. Her body bends and thrashes and begs, she thrusts into my face, trying to get my tongue as deep as she can, and I obey every wish. I give all of it to her, moaning into her body both because she's so sexy and because my cock is hurting even more. I grab my shaft and stroke it, but even just that touch is almost too much.

I settle for grabbing the base, trying to keep myself under control, and spread Shepard's legs further for better access. She's dripping at this point, hips grinding into my face, and I fuck her steadily on my tongue until she's exploding and flooding my tongue. I don't let up. I'm about to be extremely selfish so I want her cumming hard and fast right here, right now. She gives it to me, obeying the demands I put on her body, until she's begging for mercy and shoving my head away. Another night, I would resist harder and keep at it, but tonight, I need her.

"Baby, please." I collapse onto my back, wincing from the pain. "Please, your mouth."

Shepard doesn't hesitate, doesn't resist. She's the perfect woman, and then she's diving on my cock. The moment her tongue touches me, the second I feel the back of her throat, I lose my mind. I can hear Shepard gagging over my own roar when I press her head down and pump into her throat. I spill hard, I spill for longer than I knew was possible.

"Holy shit," she pants when she forces her head out from under my hand and yanks back. I'm still cumming, my heart pounding, and I can barely see while Shepard keeps stroking me until my senses return. "Ardat-Yakshi side effect?"

"I don't remember last night, but I think so," I manage. I reach down and cover Shepard's fist with mine, holding her hand still for now. "Woke up so hard it fucking hurt."

"And you decided to make me cum first? Shit, Garrus, you could have woken me up for you!" She leans over me, relaxing her grip on my cock, and kisses me. The soft kiss is an excellent distraction and I fall into it, letting her steady me. But Shepard pulls back quickly and frowns at me. "Wait, you don't remember...anything from last night?"

I return her frown. "No. It's all cloudy. I remember leaving the club with Morinth...I remember how bad my head hurt. And I'm assuming we won. But no, everything else is a blank until I woke up feeling very selfish. Why, did I do something?"

"You..." Shepard trails off and smiles. "You kicked ass, big guy. You were perfect." She leans down to kiss me again. "But you are not selfish for needing me," she breathes against my mouth, practically echoing my thoughts from a few minutes ago. "I like making you cum just as much as you do me. But I don't like you in pain."

"I like you in pain sometimes," I tease, earning a sweet giggle and another kiss. "What do you say we make each other cum this time? Come here." I try to guide Shepard on top of me, but she stops me with a grin and then turns around before straddling my lap. She sinks down slowly on my cock, granting me the view of her ass.

We move together, always so in sync and always in perfect rhythm, a harmony between us coming naturally since the day we met. It makes this the best sex of my life, the most incredible experience every single time. I stroke slowly up into her while Shepard rolls and grinds her hips, taking all of me. I run my hand up her spine, encouraging her forward, and when she cries out, I take it as a signal to give her more.

I pull out only to move her, climb onto my knees, and scramble up behind her. Shepard stops me from entering her, instead sitting up and reaching behind her head to hold the back of my neck. She writhes against me, her ass rolling into my erection - still harder than it should be - and I grip her hips. "You want me, my love?"

"Oh, Garrus...so much. Forever." She turns her head, meeting my mouth for a deep, wet kiss. "Take my ass. Please."

"Ah, fuck." Arousal surges through me, hot and hard. "No, baby, I'm gonna fill you up everywhere. Do not move." I kiss her once more and then move to the table on her side of the bed, retrieving her vibrator and the bottle of lube. She's lubricated enough where the vibrator is going, but not where I want to go. If I get the okay to cum in her ass, I'm not letting it go.

Shepard is watching me, so I grin and hand her the vibrator. "Me?"

"You. You're going to fuck yourself while I fuck you. Take control of your own pleasure, baby. Show me how much you can take."

"Oh, God."

"Yes, sometimes I think I must be." She barks out a laugh and lets me kiss her before I turn her back around. "Bend down, let me look at that pretty ass of yours."

"I love when you talk to me like I'm meat," she murmurs, laughing a little but her voice is husky enough that I know she's being genuine.

"I love that you are meat," I growl at her. I slap her ass. "And I love that you're mine to take a bite out of." Shepard moans, arching her spine. "Let me watch you. Fuck yourself with that vibrator."

I lube my fingers while watching, Shepard resting her forearm and chest on the bed, slipping the vibrator through her folds. It's incredible, watching the purple toy slip through pink folds with the dim blue light of the fishtank casting shadows. She moans and hesitates, so I nudge her legs further apart with my knees, and Shepard presses the vibrator in further.

"You know my body better than I do," she breathes.

"I pay more attention to it. Maybe I should leave you alone sometimes when you're horny, maybe you should take care of yourself more often."

"N-no!" she cries, escalating when I press my lubed-up finger inside the tight ring of her ass, the resistance now much less than it used to be. Shepard pants harder than she used to too, the pleasure escalating now that the pain has lessened. It'll feel better the more she gets used to this, for both of us.

She strokes the vibrator deep and steady, and I add a second finger, my cock eagerly twitching and jumping with a need to get inside her. Shepard only makes me want it more, moaning and crying my name when I twist and scissor my fingers.

"Come on, Garrus, please. Please!"

"Mmm. Please what, baby? What does my girl need?"

Shepard growls, fucking herself in earnest with her vibrator. "I need...oh, you're mean." I grin and wait, knowing she'll be perfect. She's always perfect. "I need my beautiful, hung boyfriend and my terribly mean, incredibly sexy sir to put his big cock in my ass and fuck me."

"Perfect."

I give her what she needs, replacing my fingers with just the head of my cock and giving her an opportunity to adjust. Shepard doesn't take it, pushing her hips back toward me, taking me. Fucking me. I wait, holding steady, fighting all of my needs and instincts and holding my breath, watching Shepard take me. "Garrus," she pleads, head falling.

"Spirits, you're sexy," I growl at her. "Is that what you want, you wanna fuck me?"

"Mmhmm."

"You can do this," I assure her, dragging my fingers slowly down her spine. "You can take me, you know that. You can drive me wild, baby, you know that too." My hand comes down hard on her ass, leaving a beautiful pink mark. "I want you to fuck me, baby."

Shepard makes a growl of her own and gets determined, rocking her hips back, taking more of me with each thrust. Our combined moans echo through the room when she takes all of me. I expect her to need a moment at least to rest, but Shepard doesn't stop. She actually manages to throw me off, and she does it to follow an order. She fucks me.

And holy Spirits, it's good.

"Oh, shit." I want to watch, Shepard taking me deep and the vibrator just as deep, so deep I can feel it against my dick inside her, but there is too much sensation. I have to close my eyes to handle it without exploding right here at now. "Shepard...slow down."

"Not on your life," she moans. "You wanna get fucked, you're getting fucked, Sir. Take it."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I grab her hips to steady her, Shepard resisting. "I'm gonna cum if you don't - "

"So cum," she retorts, voice husky and breathy but strong. "Cum and then keep going until you cum again and again and again. God, I want you dripping from my ass, I want to be full of you. Cum for me, Garrus."

"Shepard, Spirits, oh, I..." I can't continue, can't hold back, pressure and heat exploding from the base of my spine and my skull until I'm pumping and pouring into her. My heart pounds and swells, my whole being full of Shepard while she's full of me. And she doesn't stop. She doesn't even slow or hesitate, she just keeps fucking me.

Our roles reverse when she nears her own peak, and I take her hips to fuck her instead of stopping her this time. And when Shepard cums, she tightens so hard around me that I'm cumming into her all over again.

"I don't think I have more," I confess, leaning over her back.

"Oh, thank God, me neither," she laughs. "Get the hell out of me so I can collapse."

I laugh, breathless, and carefully pull out, I take the vibrator from her and toss it aside, following her down onto the mattress where she rolls and we move into each other's arms. "If I ever reach a point in my life when my, uh, little guy doesn't stand quite as tall...remind me to face off with an Ardat-Yakshi."

"You're so ridiculous," she giggles, nuzzling my forehead with hers. "When you reach a point where your not-very-little little guy doesn't stand quite as tall or even stands at all, I am not pitting you against a demon. I'm never doing that for any reason, thank you very much, I hated that. But especially not because you can't get hard. What the hell do I care about that?"

"Oh, please, you care."

"I mean, I love it. I enjoy the hell out of it." She kisses me softly. "But if we get to that point, it'll mean we've been together for a long time. It'll mean we stopped the Reapers and hopefully that we got married and we have enjoyed many, many happy years together."

I pull her closer, my heart skipping. "When you put it that way, I don't even care about the little guy."

She laughs and kisses me, smiling against my mind. "Besides...you still have an incredible tongue."

"Oh, you are trouble," I laugh, poking her side and making her jump. "We're going to enjoy many, many happy years together, and you are going to drive me wild for every single one of them, aren't you?"

"Damn right, Garrus Vakarian. Can't wait."

I kiss her hard, lingering. "Me neither."

*****

I wake up alone. That's rare these days, so it surprises me. But there's something else. Something feels...bad. My gut is tight, my heart feels wrong. And Garrus isn't here. 

Something is wrong.

I throw the blankets aside, earning a muffled meow from Monster who just got buried. I hurry back and uncover the poor guy. "Sorry, buddy. Garrus is in trouble. Don't ask me how I know, but I know. I gotta run." 

The kitten meows and turns his back on me, collapsing back to sleep. I take that as permission to rush. I head right for the closet and get dressed quickly, throwing on sweats and a tank top. I consider something over the tank top but if the more skin the better if I need to calm or support Garrus in some way. 

I slip on a pair of sneakers and get running for the elevator. "EDI, where is - " 

"Shepard!" Joker cuts in, so loud he makes me jump. "You need to get down to the Cargo Bay. Garrus already beat a hole through Grunt and wore Jack out, now he's on the equipment and he's gonna break something." 

"What the fuck happened?" I demand. "Is this Ardat-Yakshi related?"

"No, no he's pissed about something but he's not talking to anyone. All he's doing is growling and hitting things." 

"I'm on my way down. EDI, tell him I'm coming down." 

The AI confirms, and I brace myself. I start bouncing on the balls of my feet, prepared for anything. I knew this was bad. I don't know how, but I knew something was wrong with Garrus the moment I woke up this morning. And now those same instincts are telling me I should get ready for a fight. 

Jack, Tali, and Grunt are there when the doors open. "He's fucking lost it," Jack announces, getting smacked by Tali for it. 

"What's going on? Does anyone know what he's mad about?" 

Tali grabs my arm and starts dragging me down the hall toward the window that looks over the ring and exercise room. It feels like everyone on the crew is either up here watching or down there. Samara is in the room, hands glowing like she might need to stop him, and I think Jacob is talking. But Garrus is just wailing on a punching back. 

If he were Monster, the hair on the back of his neck would be standing and he'd be hissing like a...well, like a monster. 

I throw my hair up into a ponytail and head for the stairs down into the room. "Shepard, he almost hurt me," Grunt notes from behind me. "Almost." He adds that last part for himself, not me. But I don't need any of it. 

"He won't hurt me." 

I'm entirely confident about that. I don't know what Garrus is mad about or even if it's something that I did, I don't know what he'll need from me or how to calm him down, but I know for sure that Garrus is not going to hurt me. He would never. I can get to him, no matter what's going on. And I knew that even before knowing that he's bonded to me, whether Garrus remembers that coming to light or not. 

I catch Tali's gaze and she nods. Her confidence only boosts mine, and I hurry into the room. "Everyone out," I announce the moment I walk through the doors. Miranda is going to object, I know before she does, so I add, "Now!" 

And like good little soldiers, everyone I was actually talking to scrambles from the room. Garrus doesn't slow, doesn't stop. His stamina is impressive as always, especially since he's been at this for a while based on the state of his knuckles. And the three dead punching bags on the floor. 

"Wow, I'm gonna have to scrap one of your rifles to pay Cerberus for all the damage you're doing here." 

He doesn't respond, doesn't even look at me. Okay. He doesn't want to joke. 

"I heard you were trying to beat up my crew. You want a real fight, you know where to look for it, big guy."

Garrus pauses for a second and looks over at me. Something flashes in his eyes. Its an intense need, but it's not a need to fight. I have to use every advantage I have. And there is a reason I came down here in just a tank top. 

"Oh, no, you don't. You want that, you have to talk to me." 

He shakes his head and gets back to swinging on the bag. "I don't think I can talk right now." 

"Okay well I could take my shirt off for you, but the crew is watching. So you can talk to me, or I can strip for them." He follows my finger when I point to the window, and I know that the first people he notices are Jacob, Hadley, Matthews, and Hawthorne. I know they'd be the first to notice if I took my shirt off. 

"Shepard...I'm not playing games," he snaps, raising his voice but grabbing the bag. Stopping has to be a good sign. 

"Garrus, what makes you think I'm playing? I haven't even had coffee yet, and the whole crew is looking at my right hand man, my key sniper, and the hot shot engineer working on the biggest weapon ever to live on a ship this size like he's a fucking bomb. You are going to talk to me, one way or another." 

Garrus growls and slams his face against the punching bag. He mutters something that I can't hear, and when I tell him to repeat it, he launches a punch into the bag that sends it flying off the chains and across the room. 

"Yep, you're definitely losing a rifle," I mutter, staring at it. "Now that you have nothing left to hit..." 

He tenses when I start to approach and I can almost hear the gasps upstairs, everyone but me worried that he's going to freak out and hit me like he did that bag. But they don't know him like I do. And he loves me like no one else ever could or will. 

"You are not going to hurt me," I tell him. He looks unsure, but he lets me approach. When I'm close enough to touch him, I hold my hands out for his. "Give me your hands, let me put some Medi-Gel and bandages on you, and tell me what the fuck is going on with you." 

Garrus takes a deep breath, the air moving shaky and coming back out with a growl. "Shepard...I found Sidonis." 

Oh, shit. This is not what I expected.

I refocus and motion with my hands. Garrus obeys this time, putting his hands down in mine and letting me pull him to a bench. He straddles it and sits while I grab supplies before returning to him. "Tell me everything." 

"I had contacts and channels keeping an eye out for him," he tells me, voice low and his growl still prevalent in his chest. "He connected with a guy they call Fade on the Citadel. He specializes in helping people disappear." 

"Is that how you disappeared?" I ask, swiping Medi-Gel carefully over his wounds. He split his knuckles pretty badly, but he'll be just fine. 

Garrus shakes his head. "No, I used my own tools. Fade is shady, he works with criminals. He's how Sidonis got off Omega in the first place." 

"So he's on our shit list, too." 

"Our?" Garrus echoes, his tone surprised now. 

I look up and meet ice blue eyes full of fire that's starting to fade a little. "Yeah, our. We're a team, partners. We share a shit list, big guy. Which, by the way, means that you hate the Council even more than you think you do." 

It actually surprises me when he chuckles, but it makes my heart skip, too. "You have really gentle hands for this, you know. Thank you." 

"I thought you knew I'm great with my hands." This time his growl is different, and it's one I enjoy much more. "So. We're going to Fade to follow the lead on Sidonis, right?"

He hesitates, then asks, "Aren't you the one supposed to decide that?"

"Garrus." I tape the final bandage and look up at him again. This time, I reach out and take his face between my hands. "Partners, remember? Many, many happy years together and partners. On the battlefield and off. Okay?"

"Okay," he breathes. Garrus sighs, and it's like every ounce of tension floods out of him all at once. I realize then that Garrus wasn't upset because he might find Sidonis or even because of Sidonis. He needed to believe that I would help, that I'd be on his side. He has to learn I'm always going to. 

"This is my fault." 

I hadn't meant to say it out loud. I didn't even know I did until Garrus cocks his head and frowns at me. "What's your fault?" 

"It's my fault that you don't just know we're a team, that I won't just be here for you." The words come with a horrible sting behind my eyes and something that feels like choking. It's the guilt choking me, I know. This is my fault. He starts to speak, but I hold up my hand. "Don't, I know, we're not looking back. But it's true and it needs to be said. You should be as confident that I have your six as I am in you." 

Garrus brushes the hair behind my ear, and then grips my shoulder. "I need you to say it. Tell me that we're gonna find Sidonis, Shepard, I need to hear it. Please." 

"Garrus. We're gonna find Sidonis. And I'll do whatever you need." 

Another sigh, more relief, and then a hard kiss. 

"Thank you. I'll tell Joker to get us on the way." One more kiss, and then he's gone. Garrus is already unwrapping the bandages on the way out of the room, which is so very him, but...

But the look in his eye when he walked away? That wasn't Garrus. That was Archangel. 

He's heard Sidonis' name exactly one time and he's...he's Archangel. 

*****

Garrus fades fast, a little more everyday for each day of the three days it takes us to get to the Citadel. On the first night, I can almost fool myself that he's normal. On the second night, he doesn't sleep in bed. He never came to bed, and it's been a long time since that happened. Last night, he didn't sleep at all. He couldn't. 

He can barely eat, and for the first time ever, I had to remind him to take his anti-depressant. He's talking less, spending all his time back in the Main Battery, and skipped poker night for the first time too. But he's not ignoring me. No, he's talking to me. A lot.   
About Sidonis. He can only talk about finding - no, hunting - Sidonis and taking him out. He's a man obsessed. 

I get that. I could understand completely if it was just that, just the need for justice. But that's not what Garrus wants. He wants revenge, and he wants blood. An eye for an eye. 

Garrus's darkness is back, and it's even worse than when he first got on the ship, when he first escaped Omega. Garrus is back to being unable to smile, unable to sleep, back to being so distant I'm not sure I can reach him. And if he does kill Sidonis, I'm terrified that I'll never be able to reach him again. 

"Tali, can we talk?" She turns from her console, and I nod to the engineers but don't move further into the room. I need privacy, and I need Tali to come with me. She follows me right away and comes into the hallway. 

"This is about Garrus, isn't it?" she asks immediately. "You only ever get this level scared for Garrus." 

"God, do I look scared?" I shake my head and press my hand to my forehead. "I am scared. Tali, you've seen him, you've tried to talk to him. Please, tell me that it's just me. Tell me he's not..." 

"Dark," Tali finishes, confirming my fears. She reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it softly. "I'm sorry, Shepard, I would love to tell you that you're seeing things. But it's like...I barely recognize him right now. What happened?"

"It's this whole Sidonis thing. The guy betrayed him and I was all for bringing him to justice, but this is..." I shake my head, trying to find the words. "I told him that I would be there for him, Tali, that I supported him on this and that I have his back. How am I supposed to tell him now that I think this is wrong?" 

Tali takes a deep breath. "I mean...what if you let him deal with it? Let him kill this guy who probably does deserve it. What then?"

"Exactly. What if that darkness takes him over completely and I can never get him back? Just hearing the guy's name brought him this far, what if..." My voice breaks around the words and that guilt tries to choke me again. "He'll hate me if I stop him, Tali. But he could be lost if I don't." 

"Oh, Shepard." Tali pulls me into her arms for a big hug, and I don't resist. I let her cuddle me, and I rest my head on her shoulder for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Garrus could never hate you. And you could never let him get lost. You know him better than anyone, and there's a reason he trusts you. When the moment comes, you'll make the right decision." 

"Shit, I hope you're right. I can't hurt him again, Tali. I can't..." 

She squeezes me closer, and she lets me stand there taking from her for a moment. I need it. She even agrees to come on the mission with us, in case either one of us needs her, and she ignores me when I try to make her promise to take Garrus's side. "I will take the right side, Shepard. You know that." 

"One of the many reasons you're the best friend a girl could have." 

Tali leans her head against mine and gives me another moment. I'm almost ready to pull away from her when the elevator dings, and Garrus steps into the hallway. I expect him to grin when he sees us; Garrus loves how close Tali and I are. He calls Tali my sister all the time, he tells me how happy he is that I have her. And I know that he loves her just as much as I do. 

But there's no grin today, there's nothing. Just darkness in those incredible blue eyes, and they're a little less incredible behind the dark. 

"We're docking. You ready?" He forces a smile. It doesn't reach his eyes. "You comin' Tali?"

"Yep," she answers easily, releasing me and managing to sound just as bouncy and happy as always. I don't know how she pulls it off because if I were to start talking right now with that look on Garrus's face, not even wondering why Tali is hugging me, my voice would break. Although today I wonder if he'd care. 

Tali bounces toward the elevator and Garrus lets her pass, then holds a hand out to me. When I don't move, he smirks. A real smirk. It makes my heart skip. "Um...you kinda have to come, Commander," he teases.

I take his hand and let him pull me over. I let hope wash through me when he pulls me into his arms. "I'm coming," I promise, no matter how much I hate it. 

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, ducking a little to catch my gaze. 

"Yeah, I just..." I take a breath. I can't tell him now. He'll think I'm betraying him. I can't betray him. I can't hurt him, I can't let him down again. "I didn't sleep well last night. Can't sleep without you." 

Garrus frowns, genuine sadness coming over his face. At least it's something that isn't dark. "I'm sorry, I...I'm finding it hard to rest right now." His eyes flash, and then it's back. That fucking darkness. Just when I thought we'd escaped it. "I'll rest after we find Sidonis, I will. When he's dead, I'll be able to rest." He pulls me closer and leans down to growl in my ear, "And I'll give you the best loving of your life." 

Now I have to force a smile. "Gonna hold you to that, big guy." 

He leads me onto the elevator where Tali is almost definitely giving me a look. I have to ignore it for now because I have to hold it together if I'm going to do what Garrus needs me to do. 

I go through the motions, getting into my armor and gearing up. And then we're at the airlock. Garrus is leading and I don't try to stop him. This is his mission. He needs this, and I'm just here for him. "Shepard?" Joker murmurs softly from the cockpit. "Going on a mission with Archangel. You know that, right?"

"I know, Joker. I'm...I don't know what to do." Tali touches my shoulder, Garrus three feet away and oblivious. He's too lost in his revenge, in his vengeance. "I don't know what would hurt him more. Letting him do this or stopping him. Especially me stopping him." 

EDI announces that the airlock is opening, and Joker squeezes my hand before we leave him. We leave the ship, following Garrus into his darkness. Well, first into the C-Sec office where Garrus greets Bailey like everything is normal.

"What can I help you with?" he asks, greeting us happily after shaking all of our hands. He's been nicer to Garrus since I promised that Garrus did in fact call home and let his family know that he's not dead.

"I need to find a local forger," Garrus tells him. "Goes by Fade."

Bailey makes a face. "Yeah, I know him. The alias, anyway. He's been a thorn in the Network division's side for the last year. He works with the Blue Suns."

"Figures," Garrus scoffs. He gives me a look and I nod. The guy who got his team killed by a gang worked with a gang to do it. That'll make all this much worse. "Where can we find him?"

"If I knew that, he'd be in a cell. Best I can do is put you on the trail." Bailey pulls up data on a console and transfers it onto a datapad. "There's a warehouse in the marketplace. Some of Fade's contacts work out of there. Go ask them some questions. Gently, of course."

He adds that last part while looking right at me, and I drop open my jaw to feign offense. "Why are you looking at me?"

At least it gets Garrus to laugh. He focuses again quickly though and asks, "Why haven't you been able to catch him?

"Whoever he is, he's damn good at avoiding C-Sec," Bailey answers. He doesn't look angry with himself which makes me think this Fade is just good. "I think someone on the inside is feeding him information. Either that, or he's got access to our databases and comm channels. I don't know which is worse." He shrugs. "But you're outside C-Sec. Maybe you can nail his ass."

Garrus nods and then looks to me, still aware enough to check with me before just marching off on the rest of the mission. And he's still aware enough that I can trust him, so I do. "We're gonna get going," he tells Bailey.

"Sure. You need anything else, let me know. Thanks in advance for taking out my trash."

We said goodbye to him and part, aiming for the warehouse on the datapad. Every time we've been to the Citadel recently, Garrus can't walk through the markets without getting distracted by video game and vacation stores. Or the sex stores; he snuck in last time and ordered a strap on which should be delivered soon. Today, Garrus doesn't even look around. He's every moment a soldier, not a bit the Turian I know so well.

He leads us down the stairs and toward the warehouse, single minded. So much so that he misses a datapad just sitting on a crate outside and I have to call him back. And once we read it, I'm damn glad we did stop. "Garrus, listen to this. Anto Bek'tall is a member of the criminal organization headed up by Aria T'Loak, often considered the pirate queen of Omega. While Aria's gang is mostly airtight, Anto has an eye toward outside work. Whether this is an exploitable hold, we're not sure."

Garrus growls and takes the datapad from me, scanning it quickly and then using his Omni-Tool to gather any hidden data. "I'm gonna send this to Aria."

"Are you asking or telling?"

"I'm..." He looks up at me and blinks. "I thought you'd be okay with it."

"I am. And I'm okay giving you the lead on this mission. But don't run me over, big guy. Okay?"

Garrus returns to me for another moment, his face and eyes softening. "Of course, Shepard. I'm sorry."

Are these little moments all I'm ever going to have again?

"No need to be sorry. Let's just...get this over with."

Garrus gives me a weird look, like he's trying to read me but can't. He can always read me, except right now. And I can't read him either. Just like when I first got him back, Garrus is right there and miles away from me.

And he doesn't seem bothered by it at all, suddenly pulling his dark mask back up and then leading us on again. All that matters now is his revenge. It's selfish to want to matter at all in a moment like this, but I do. I want to matter because if I don't matter, I can't get through that darkness.

I'm losing him.

I don't realize my hand is shaking until Tali grabs it. I nod and take a breath, pulling myself together. I can't let Garrus see it, can't let him notice. I cannot let him believe that I am going to betray him, now or ever.

"This looks like the place," Garrus says as we approach a warehouse. "The forger's thugs should be inside."

We walk into the warehouse, me on Garrus's right hand this time. There are stacks of crates along the wall, and a grizzled Krogan leaning against some of them. He eyes us and then straightens a bit but doesn't make a move more than to look toward the other side of the room.

From where he's looking, another Krogan emerges. And from behind him, a Volus. It's the Volus who comes to stand in front of us, the Krogan his bodyguards.

"Fade?" Garrus asks, sounding just as suspicious as I feel. "You're not quite how I imagined you."

"Looks can be deceiving," he breathes. "So...which one of you wants to disappear?"

"I'd rather see you make someone reappear."

The Volus shakes his head. "Ah. That's not the service we provide."

"Make an exception." Garrus grins and then, in a flash, he's pulled his pistol and has it lined up at the Volus's forehead. "Just this once."

"Damn it. Quick, shoot them! Shoot them, you lumbering mountains!"

They draw their weapons, one of them looking right at me, and we're given no choice. I take no joy in shooting first, in taking both the Krogan down this way. I don't like being put into positions where I have no choice. But Garrus grins through the whole thing. He likes that we drew blood first on this mission.

It gets the Volus to realize what's happening here though, and his shoulders fall. "Why do I even bother?"

"We need to find a client of yours," I tell him. "I suggest you cooperate."

"Wait!" He steps away from the barrel of Garrus's pistol, but Garrus follows. The Volus is unarmed and cooperating, and Garrus still has a gun to his head. "I'm not the one you want to talk to. I'm not Fade."

Garrus scoffs. "I knew it." He lowers his pistol and kneels, coming eye to eye with the Volus. And somehow that is much, much scarier than the gun judging by the way the Volus shakes. "Maybe you'd like to tell me where to find him."

"Y-yes! Of course!" the Volus stammers. "He's in the factory district, works out of the old prefab foundry."

Garrus nods and glances at me. "I know the place."

"Uh...he's got a lot of mercs there...Blue Suns. Harkin thinks they're protecting him," the Volus continues, a real font of information now. I hate that violence worked. That's not what I needed Garrus to see.

"Harkin?" I echo. Garrus stands, and he looks just as surprised. "Okay, wait. What do the Blue Suns have to do with this?"

"They use his services...to help their people infiltrate businesses and various organizations here on the Citadel."

"Bastard," Garrus growls. "Harkin's using C-Sec to help those scum."

The Volus starts shaking his head wildly. "No, no, no. Well, not really. He got fired from C-Sec a while ago. But he still knows the systems."

"Interesting...but it changes nothing," Garrus says, turning to look at me. "We still need to find him before we can get to Sidonis."

I remember Harkin. He was a total dick to me the first time we met, calling me princess and making comments about how I look in my armor. If Garrus had been there, Harkin would probably be dead now. And now Harkin is a blatant criminal and using his knowledge of C-Sec to aid other criminals. I'm not going to tolerate that.

"I'm looking forward to seeing him again," I admit. I wish I hadn't said it when Garrus smiles. It's not the smile I love on him.

"I'm sure he'll be excited to see both of us," he quips, voice low and gravelly. He sounds dangerous. Deadly. "We'll need to go to the transit station. I can get us to him from there."

I nod, and the Volus starts shifting around like he needs an opportunity to run away. "So, I...I can go?"

"Sure," Garrus answers with a shrug. "But if we don't find Harkin...we'll be back for you."

We absolutely will not, not in the way Garrus is saying it, but I keep my mouth shut for the moment. Part of me needs to know that Garrus can come back, and how he continues to behave today will tell me that. And the rest of me really needs Garrus to know that I'm not going to betray him.

The Volus leaves us, and Garrus spins away quickly, marching back out of the warehouse and toward a rapid transit station immediately. Tali walks by my side, silent. Too quiet. She wants to say things, I know it. And I want to say things to, to Tali and to Garrus, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I hate that.

All of us are silent the entire way through the warehouse district, Garrus driving. He knows the way around the shadier parts of this station from C-Sec, not the way he knows Omega. Today, they both still bother me.

Garrus parks the rapid transit, sliding the car to a smooth stop outside an entrance to a warehouse. There are two Blue Suns guarding the entrance, and that's a damn good sign we're in the right place.

I scramble out of the car to stay close to Garrus, unwilling to let him out of my sight today, and as we stand, Harkin comes into view. He looks older than the last time I saw him, but still as grumpy and drunk. He notices Garrus first and takes a step backward, scared of my guy on sight. And then he notices me, and his expression is almost comical.

"Shepard?" he asks, eyes wide like he's seeing a ghost. He shakes his head rapidly, shaking it off, and snaps, "Don't just stand there, stop them! Stop them!" And while his Blue Suns raise their weapons to do his dirty work, Harkin turns and runs like the dirty, pathetic coward he is.

"Run all you want, Harkin! We'll find you," Garrus shouts after him, his rifle already in his hand while we take cover.

The Blue Suns take seconds to take out, and I'm almost disappointed at that. This is it, we're barreling toward Sidonis and the source of Garrus's darkness now. I need more time, I'm not ready. And I’m not going to get it, so the best I can do is keep him alive.

We press into the warehouse, greeted by LOKI mechs that are also almost too easy to take down. Either we're getting really good or Harkin should have spent the money on much, much better defenses.

Garrus is even more efficient and deadly than usual while we move through the warehouse, using a maze of crates and stacks to our advantage. But he's more reckless too. He's either forgotten or stopped caring about our agreement to be cautious to keep one another from feeling the physical pain of threats to one another's lives.

There are a lot of LOKI mechs, but we fight our way through and wipe them all out. "Harkin's in here somewhere," Garrus growls. "I can smell him."

"I don't want to know what that guy smells like." Tali chuckles, but I'm not even convinced Garrus heard my joke. He just keeps moving. Single-minded, dark, vengeance and murder the only things on his mind.

We move into the next section of the warehouse, this time facing more of the Blue Suns along with the LOKI mechs. These are a little more talented, but still barely a challenge. Garrus is moving forward quickly, too quickly, and all of us end up without cover more than once at his pace.

I end up without cover, and Garrus barely notices. Normally, he would tackle me and make me mad by being overprotective. Today, I'd settle for even a corner of his mind instead of the darkness that's consuming him. I'm losing Garrus to Sidonis.

At the end of this section of the warehouse, we use a console to lower a bridge and lead us into the next section. "We're getting close," Garrus murmurs.

"We have to get there alive," I note. "Can we show a little caution, please?"

"And what if Harkin gets away because we're being cautious?" Garrus retorts. "I lose my only lead to Sidonis, everything I've done will have been for nothing. You told me that you were with me, Shepard, has that changed?"

"Garrus!" Tali hisses.

I hold up a hand to keep her back, shaking my head. Garrus is right. I made him a promise, and I have to keep it. He needs this, and he needs me, and I...I have to do what's right for him. I have to make up for the past, and today is my chance.

"You're right," I tell him. "I'm on your six."

Garrus just nods and turns away. He can barely think of me. And then we're in battle again so none of us should be thinking of anything but that. Garrus is focused, Tali is doing her job...and I'm distracted. I'm terrified. I feel nauseous. Not even the YMIR mech is enough to get my mind off of Garrus.

We manage to take it down anyway even when I'm at maybe half my best. Maybe it's for the best that Garrus isn't focused on me right now because he'd be very upset if he were. We press forward into a room with a glass window that looks over the final section of the warehouse. Garrus walks up to the window and scans the room, finally being strategic. It's a much needed moment to talk to him for me.

"So...Harkin's finally gone completely bad," I note, coming up behind him.

"He was always a pain in the ass, but I'm in no mood for his games," he growls. "If he doesn't cooperate, I'll beat him within an inch of his life."

Tali turns and looks at me. I don't need to see her face to know what she's thinking or that she looks appalled. No one on my team behaves that way. And I feel completely unable to react, to reject it. I feel...helpless.

"Garrus...are you okay? You're a lot more tense than usual."

"Nothing about this is the usual, Shepard." He shakes his head slowly. "Harkin may know why Sidonis wanted to disappear. If so, he knows why we're here, and I don't want him tipping Sidonis off."

I start to speak, but Garrus's head snaps back to the window in a way I know is a signal. He's seen something, and I join him to watch. When I see it too, something big moving at the other end of the warehouse, we both draw our weapons and get cover, Garrus ducking below the window while I slide beside it. I signal for Tali to do the same.

Garrus murmurs, "Did you see that?"

"I saw something."

"He's getting ready for us."

I nod, taking the chance to get into his head a little. Maybe this isn't as bad as I fear. "What do you think Harkin's got waiting for us in there?"

"Not sure. Looks like an industrial complex...heavy machinery. Could be anything." He shakes his head and looks up at me. "Something's in there...probably more Blue Suns."

And he's probably right. Harkin had time to set us up, and he's got the advantage in this position.

"Harkin's kinda trapped himself in a corner," Garrus notes. "He must have something in store for us if he plans to get out."

At least his mind is intact. But it's his heart and soul I have questions about. The things that make Garrus who he is, the things that make me love him.

"What are you going to do with Harkin if he won't cooperate, Garrus?" I ask. I don't want to ask, I don't want to know the answer, but that's exactly why I have to.

Garrus scoffs. "He's a real criminal now, working for the Blue Suns. I should just shoot him on sight." He takes a breath and shakes his head. "But I need him alive, so I won't do any permanent damage. Just enough to loosen his tongue."

"Don't go too far," I warn him, keeping my voice calm so that it's not an order. Garrus doesn't need orders to do what's right. "You don't need to hurt him to get what you want."

"Don't worry, Harkin's a coward. He'll talk long before I can really hurt him."

"You're kind of a big dude, big guy," I tease - or at least try to. "It won't take much for you to really hurt him. Just...keep control. Okay?"

"I always do." I guess we'll see if that's true.

"And Sidonis? You're still planning to kill him if you find him?"

Garrus looks up at me. "That's the plan. It'll be quick and painless. Unlike everyone he betrayed, he'll be spared the agony of a slow death. It's more than he deserves, but as long as he's dead, I'll be satisfied."

"Garrus..." I kneel in front of him and cover his hand on the rifle. "Do you really think killing Sidonis will make things right?"

Ice blue eyes flash. "My entire team was murdered because of Sidonis. Twelve lives lost. Nothing - nothing - will make that right." I nod and start to pull my hand back because what the hell else can I say, but Garrus catches my fingers. "I know you don't like it, Shepard, but I have to do this."

"Is there no other way?" Even I can hear the desperation in my voice. This will not end well, I know it, and I can feel my heart breaking along with my voice.

"Maybe. But this is personal. I'll pull the trigger, and I'll live with the consequences. All I'm asking is that you help me find him."

And there it is. I'm officially letting Garrus make a huge mistake and potentially risk his soul for personal revenge. I'm letting this happen. At this point, I don't know how to stop it. Is it too late?

"Let's go find him."

"Right behind you."

We dive right back into battle, moving into the remainder of the warehouse where Sidonis has himself trapped. "Shepard, I have patched into the warehouse scanners," EDI tells us over the comms. "The crates in the transport carriers overhead are rigged to explode when dropped."

She's barely done before Harkin is screaming at us over the comms, too. "Why don't you just turn around?"

Garrus just laughs and blows the head off a LOKI mech at the far opposite end of the warehouse, at least three hundred yards off. It's a gorgeous shot, and I can't even enjoy it.

We get down to business, again using the layout of the warehouse to move strategically, using platforms in here as well. The Blue Suns are doing the same, but they aren't as good at it as we are. We get down to it, shooting and moving as a team. At least Garrus can still fight with us.

"I'm not hiding from you!" Harkin screams.

"He's going to regret that," Garrus retorts.

We get to the end of the warehouse where a ramp leads up to an office space. Harkin must be in the office. But we can't approach. Not yet.

Garrus reads my mind when he groans, "Oh, crap. Two heavy mechs, incoming!"

Right on cue, two YMIR Mechs are dropped from cranes, almost definitely controlled by Harkin. "Do you really think you can take me down, Vakarian? You and your girlfriend?" he shouts.

It's more insulting than it should be to get called Garrus's girlfriend, especially by someone who knows damn well who I am. Being Garrus's girlfriend is a joy but I'll shove my rifle up Harkin's ass if he needs to remember just who and what I am.

Tali's exceptional tech skills combined with firepower from me and Garrus, and we're able to wear down - and through - both mechs. We're then just a few remaining mech away from the office...and from Harkin. And then Garrus is racing us up over levels of crates and to the office. I don't think the guy can escape from another direction but Garrus isn't going to slow for anything.

We approach low and keeping in cover, weapons drawn. Garrus motions to me and then ducks around the office, heading for the other entrance. He's hoping Harkin will run, and even having met the guy exactly once, I know he's gonna run.

"Are you ready for this?" Tali whispers.

"Not even a little."

I raise my pistol, my gift from Garrus and the weapon he once tried to kill himself with, and lead Tali into the office. Harkin throws himself away from the monitors, hands up, and starts backing quickly toward the other door. "You were close," he spits. "But not close en - "

Harkin turns to run for the other door halfway through his sentence, and he's gut off when Garrus meets him with the butt of his rifle. Harkin screams and falls back, but Garrus doesn't let him get all the way to the floor, instead grabbing him by the shoulder and throwing Harkin into the wall.

Garrus follows him against the wall, pinning him there with a strong forearm at Harkin's throat, blood pouring from Harkin's nose.

"So, Fade," he growls. "Couldn't make yourself disappear, huh?"

"Come on, Garrus. We can work this out," Harkin breathes, his voice shaky. "What do ya need?"

Garrus releases him and turns away, pacing back to the window slowly. "I'm looking for someone," he murmurs.

"Well...I guess we both have something the other wants," Harkin replies, a little cockier now that Garrus isn't towering over him or choking him. As a reward for that, Garrus whirls back around, marches up to Harkin, and drives his knee into Harkin's gut. This time, Harkin drops all the way to the floor.

Tali gasps and grabs my elbow, but I wait. He at least deserves me waiting. Or maybe I can get Harkin to behave and cooperate, solve this problem for all of us.

"Harkin, you really need to tell him what we need to know. This is only going to get worse for you."

"Maybe," he coughs out, stumbling back to his feet. "But I still haven't heard what you want."

"You helped a friend of mine disappear. I need to find him," Garrus says, voice and posture deadly. He's like a coiled spring, ready to launch.

Harkin huffs, wiping at his nose now that the blood has stopped flowing freely. "I might need a little more information than that."

"His name was Sidonis, a Turian, came from the - "

"I know who he is," Harkin cuts in, all of a sudden standing his ground, "and I'm not telling you squat."

I step closer, signaling to Garrus to wait when I know he wants to hit Harkin again, and press, "Harkin, this doesn't have to be hard."

He snarls at me. "Blow me, Princess." I could signal all day, and it doesn't stop Garrus from backhanding him for that. But Harkin hasn't learned yet. He straightens himself back off the wall. "I don't give out client information. It's bad for business."

Garrus hits him in the gut hard, and Harkin drops like a rock. And then Garrus moves in and plants his boot on Harkin's throat, staring down at the man. "You know what else is back for business? A broken neck!"

Harkin is thrashing and choking, shoving at Garrus's foot and gasping for air. "Alright, alright! Get off me!"

Garrus doesn't move, doesn't make like he's going to back off. If the guy dies, Garrus won't get what he needs. I finally move in and take his shoulder, not pulling him back but letting him know that I'm there. Garrus looks at me, and instead of giving me any sort of nod or understanding, he growls and yanks his foot back from Harkin. He's not happy about it. And I don't know what to do about that.

Harkin moans and groans, trying to get himself slowly into a seated position. "Terminus really changed you, huh, Garrus?"

I hate that I agree with Harkin.

"No...but Sidonis opened my eyes. Now arrange a meeting."

Harkin gets himself up, and Garrus motions him toward the console. He scowls heavily and groans, "I'm going," and walks over to the console. Garrus stays close, both to stop him and to read over his shoulder.

I look to Tali and shake my head, hoping she has answers or an idea. What the fuck are we doing here?

Harkin opens a call, and we can only hear his end of it. "Yeah, it's me. There's a chance your identity may be compromised."

I can see Garrus growing even more on edge. He knows that Harkin is speaking to Sidonis, that he's so close.

"That's why I'm calling," Harkin continues. "I'm sending an agent. Where do you want to meet?"

Garrus starts examining his rifle, priming it. Like he plans to use it. Right now.

"Alright, he'll be there. Don't worry. I got it covered." Harkin ends the call and shakes his head, then turns back to us, pulling his bravado back up. "It's all good. He wants to meet you in front of Orbital Lounge. Middle of the day."

Garrus gives me a look and I nod, confirming we're going.

"So..." Harkin starts to fidget. "If our business is done, I'll be going..."

He takes half a step backward before Garrus grabs him by the collar and lifts the man right off his feet, bringing Harkin eye to eye with him. "I don't think so. You're a criminal now, Harkin."

"So, what? You're just gonna kill me?" Hark demands, kicking his legs a little. "That's not your style, Garrus."

That's where Harkin is mistaken. He's not dealing with Garrus Vakarian. No, this is Archangel, doling out black and white justice in a world with none.

But Garrus releases him, even takes a step back. I have a second of relief until I see Garrus's finger move to the trigger on his rifle. "Kill you?" he all but growls. "No. But I don't mind slowing you down a little."

Garrus aims low, Harkin's knee his target, but I move in as quickly as I can and grab his elbow. I jerk his arm up, the rifle firing into the ceiling and Garrus gawking at me. "You don't need to shoot him. He won't be able to hide from C-Sec now."

I keep his gaze, waiting for him to blow, maybe even shoot me instead. His gaze hardens, but he lowers his arm entirely and then steps back. "I guess it's your lucky day."

"Yeah." Harkin chuckles. This guy never learns his lesson. "Yeah, I hope we can do this again real soon."

I scoff and roll my eyes at him, then turn away. I'm ready to be done with this, ready to move on. I hear a thud, a yelp, and then a louder thud. When I whirl back around, Harkin is on the ground, holding a new wound on his head.

Garrus turns, shouldering me aside as he marches toward the door. "I didn't shoot him," he snaps.

And now I'm the bad guy. I'm against him, as far as Garrus is concerned. That's exactly the position I didn't want to be in today, it's exactly where I promised him I wouldn't be. We haven't even found Sidonis yet, and I'm failing him.

I have to fix this.

We get back into the Rapid Transit, Tali wringing her hands so intently I'm worried she's going to hurt herself. The tension in the car is thick enough that you'd need a sword to cut through it, and Garrus is vibrating with it.

He's in control of the car, speeding way too smoothly. I want to scold him for it but I think I'll be the next one to get headbutted. "Harkin's a bloody menace," he growls. "We shouldn't have just let him go. He deserved to be punished."

"Garrus...I'm starting to get worried about you. You were pretty hard on Harkin."

He turns to glare at me for a second. "You don't think he deserved it?"

"I...it's just not like you."

What else could I possibly say? I let him know that I'm worried, I'm concerned, but if I say anymore...

I should say more. I know I should. I have a duty as his commander and as his best friend and especially as his girlfriend. We're partners, we're a team. And I'm letting half of my team make a massive mistake?

My heart starts to race, and I can feel breakfast whirling around in my stomach which only annoys me because I ate breakfast - a real breakfast - hoping it would make Garrus happy! If I throw up, we're going to be mad at each other.

Garrus parks the car and takes a breath, staring through the window. "What do you want from me, Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?"

"I'm not sure," I admit. "But I wouldn't let it change me."

"Yeah? I would have said the same thing before it happened to me."

He moves to open the door, and my heart leaps into my throat. I grasp his thigh, desperate to get him to hear me before I'm forced into a corner. Before I hate myself for letting him do something he'll regret or I have to make him hate me.

"It's not too late, Garrus. You don't have to go through with this."

"Damn it," he breathes. He turns back to me, blue eyes blazing. "Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done, nobody else cares. You know...you know what he did. You know he needs to see justice. I don't see any other options."

"Just...give me a chance. Let me talk to him."

Garrus shakes his head and sighs, throwing his head back into the seat. "Talk all you want, it won't change my mind. I don't care what his reasons were, he screwed us. He killed all of them, and he deserves to die."

The worst part is that I don't even disagree. I think Sidonis should die for what he did, I think he deserves to suffer. But I know that if I let Garrus kill him, if I let Garrus chase vengeance, Garrus will suffer. And he is the last person who deserves that.

"Do you really believe that?" I ask him, studying his face and finding nothing familiar. "I understand what you're going through. But do you really want to kill him?"

"Shepard, I...I appreciate your concern. I really do." He shakes his head and sits forward again, looking through the window. "But I'm not you."

"This isn't you either."

I hear Tali gasp softly from the backseat, and Garrus gives an emotionless chuckle. "Really? I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this..." Another laugh, this one full of pain. "Why should he go on living while my entire team lies in unmarked graves?"

I don't know what to say to that. I don't know how to answer it. I hate this.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. Words aren't going to fix this." He takes a deep breath and looking through the windshield, pulling himself back together. "I need to set up. I can get a clear shot from over there." He points toward some scaffolding at the edge of an alley."

"What do you need me to do?" It's one of the hardest questions I've ever been forced to ask.

"Keep him talking and don't get in my way. I'll let you know when he's in my sights. Give me a signal so I know you're ready, and I'll take the shot. You better go. He'll be here soon."

He climbs out of the car and lets the door shut, then pauses to look down at me through the glass window. I don't know what he sees on my face or in my eyes, but there's a flash of real Garrus. Of scared, hurt Garrus who needs someone to help him. And then he's gone, walking away to go murder someone.

I start the car back up and drive to our meeting spot with Sidonis, to help Garrus commit his murder.

"You will do the right thing, Shepard," Tali tells me firmly from the backseat. "Whatever decision you make, I will be confident in knowing that it's the right thing to do. And Garrus will know that, too."

I can't answer her. I have no idea what I would say. She trusts me, and I don't even know what I'm going to do.

As I park the car and we climb out, Garrus comes in over the private comms, speaking into my headset. "Shepard? Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear."

"I have eyes on you," he informs us. I can feel his scope watching us, his eyes on us, and I don't look up toward where he is. I just hate that he's watching. "There he is. Sitting on the couch, blue and red. See him?"

"Affirmative." Sidonis is the most fidgety guy on the entire Citadel. It would be impossible to miss him. He looks like he's aware that there's a sniper rifle on him even though he can't have any idea yet. "Wave him over so you're not around so many people, and keep him talking."

I catch his eye and motion him over. Sidonis looks around a little and then approaches, standing in front of me. He's not as tall as Garrus, and he's noticeably thin. I wonder if that's his build or because of his quality of life now.

"Let's get this over with," he mutters.

"You're in my shot," Garrus tells me. "Move to the side."

Moment of truth. If I move, Garrus becomes a murderer. If I move, Garrus will be haunted by the darkness in his mind and soul for the rest of his life. Even if it doesn't swallow him whole, it will grow the moment he pulls that trigger.  
If I don't move, I could lose him. I could hurt him, betray him all over again.

I know which one will hurt more, and I know which one is right. And so I make my choice, and plant my feet.

"Listen, Sidonis. I'm here to help you."

Sidonis immediately starts looking around, panic flashing over his face. "Don't ever say that name aloud."

"I'm a friend of Garrus's. He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that's not necessary."

Now his mandibles nearly hit the floor. "Garrus?! Is this some kind of sick joke?" He starts to step back, and I follow. I can't give my sniper the angle.

"Damn it, Shepard!" Garrus snaps in my ear. "If he moves, I'm taking the shot."

The deadliest sniper in the galaxy has me in his sights. This morning, I was entirely confident that Garrus - even in a rage - wouldn't hurt me. Now...I'm between Garrus and his justice. Now, I'm not so sure.

"Shit, you're not kidding are you?" Sidonis murmurs, studying my face. "Screw this, I'm not sticking around here to find out. Tell Garrus I had my own problems."

He starts to turn away and I grab his arm. "Don't move!"

"Get off me!" he shouts, throwing my arm off.

"Listen, I am the only thing standing between you and a bullet in the head," I inform him, considering popping him in the knee. That would ruin the angle of Garrus's shot, too. 

"Fuck! He's here isn't he?" Sidonis definitely knows how good Garrus is, judging by the way he puts himself directly in front of me. "Fuck! Look...I didn't want to do it. I didn't have a choice!"

"Everyone has a choice," Garrus growls in my ears.

"They got to me!" Sidonis continues, starting to lose his cool rapidly. "Said they'd kill me if I didn't help. What was I supposed to do?"

I have about a dozen immediate answers to that which don't involve betraying his team. Again, that's not going to give the right message in the moment.

"Let me take the shot, Shepard. He's a damn coward!" Garrus says in my ear. And he's right.

"That's it?" I demand. "You were just trying to save yourself?"

"I..." Sidonis cuts himself off and stops short, giving me a weird look. And then he exhales hard. "Wow. You're...you're her, aren't you? You're Shepard."

I blink at him, and Sidonis actually cracks a smile, though it doesn't look like a happy smile in any way.

"He didn't talk about you often, not directly. Too hard for him. But when he did, it was about your eyes. I'd recognize your eyes anywhere." Sidonis motions toward a railing, and I follow him, shifting to stay in the way while he leans down. It's not casual; he leans like the weight of the world is pressing on him. "I don't know how you're here, but Garrus needed you. He...he was never really with us, you know?"

"I do not know," I snap. "Garrus was dedicated to your team, completely. And Garrus is always loyal."

"I'm not saying that he wasn't loyal to us. We couldn't have had a better leader." He almost smiles. Darkness takes it over too quickly, squashing it. It's just like what used to happen to Garrus when he smiled. It's the smile of a man overcome by pain. "If you had come back...you know, before I did what I did...Garrus would have left us for you." He looks up at me. "He cared about us. But he was never going to care about anyone the way he cared about you. And we all knew it."

Once again, I have no idea what to say. Garrus is silent on my headset, too. I wonder if I'll ever find out what he's thinking at this moment. Sidonis thinks he would have ditched his team and Omega for me, but Garrus can't even talk to me about Omega.

Sidonis exhales hard, and it shakes me out of the thoughts. "I know what I did. I know they died because of me, and I have to live with that." He takes another breath, and this one is shaky. "I wake up every night...sick, screaming. Each of their faces, staring at me...accusing me."

His head falls, and then suddenly he straightens, and I have to shift again to stay in the shot. "I'm already a dead man. I don't sleep. Food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over."

"Just give me the chance," Garrus growls.

I don't move, don't turn, but now I talk to Garrus. "You've got to let this go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crime."

"He hasn't paid enough," Garrus counters. "He still has his life."

"Look at him, Garrus. He's not alive. There's nothing left to kill." Sidonis doesn't object, doesn't defend himself. He knows it's true, too. This man is a broken shell. And he deserves to be in this much pain, every day for many years.

Garrus does not.

"My team," Garrus presses, his voice breaking and piercing me right through the chest. "They deserved better."

Sidonis looks at me. "Could you...could you tell Garrus..." He sighs. "I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right."

There's nothing else I can say now either. So I wait and leave the final choice to Garrus. For the next few moments, he's silent. He sighs slowly before saying anything.

"Just...go. Tell him to go," Garrus breathes. My heart skips, a flash of relief in a few days that have been absolute hell.

"He's giving you a second chance, Sidonis. Don't waste it."

Sidonis takes another shaky breath and nods. I can see him trembling. "I'll try. Tell him I'll try. I'll make it up to him somehow." He looks at me. "Thank you. For talking to him."

"I didn't do it for you."

I turn my back to Sidonis and start walking away, heading back to Garrus. Tali catches up with me quickly, and she grabs my hand. My heart is racing, and I can barely breathe. I don't know what to expect when I get back to Garrus.

"You did the right thing," Tali whispers.

"I did exactly what I promised I wouldn't do," I counter. "If he raises that rifle at my face, just turn away so you're not complicit."

We get back in the rapid transit, and I speed back to where Garrus should be waiting, only able to take a breath at all when he's waiting there. At least he hasn't ditched me entirely yet.

I get out of the car, hoping for a minute before we have to go back, but Garrus puts a hand up immediately. "Do not," he snaps, not looking at me and his voice very low. Bad low. "I don't want to talk about this with you."

"Garrus, I know that didn't go the way it planned, but - "

Garrus slams his fist down onto the rapid transit beside me, making me jump out of my skin. I thought he was going to hit me. For that split second, I was afraid of him for the first time. "Don't fucking talk to me. I...cannot." He shoves off the car, stepping back. "I'll find my own way back to the ship. I need...I need to not be near you."

He turns to walk away and takes my heart with him. I call his name because I can't help it, the sight of his back too painful. He ignores me. He doesn't react, not at all. I see him pull off his visor, the custom visor with his team names that I bought him, and shove it into his pocket. I slump back against the car, and Tali scrambles out, throwing her arms around me. "Oh, Shepard. He's coming back to the ship, he just needs a minute to think about it."

I scoff at that. "He's going to come back to the ship because of his sense of duty. He'll come back because he can't help it, the bond traps him with me. Tali, I promised I wouldn't hurt him today," I breathe, a burn creeping up my throat and behind my eyes. "I told him...I was supposed to have his six. I knew he'd hate me for it, but..."

"You did what you had to do."

I grab onto Tali's arm, clinging to the closest thing I have to a sister, to my family. I brought her for Garrus, but it's me who needs her terribly right now.

"Tali. I need you to tell me that it was worth it. I need you to tell me that what I had to do is worth losing the love of my life. He's going to hate me, and I need saving him to be worth it."


	38. Into the Light

Day one post Sidonis. 

Garrus got back to the ship before me and Tali but hid out in the Main Battery or Engineering. As far as I know, he didn't speak to anyone all night; Jack and Joker take that almost as hard as I do. And then he doesn't come to bed again. 

I spend the night on the couch in my quarters. I had Garrus take down the plate over the skylight, and now I can't sleep under it without him. Or maybe I can't sleep in the bed or without him at all. Either way, the morning comes on day one post Sidonis, and I haven't been this miserable in a long time. 

I don't even know what to think about yesterday. I still don't know if I did the right thing or who I did the right thing for. I didn't want Sidonis to survive, I agree with Garrus that justice is important. Especially in this case. Garrus's sense of justice has always been one of the things I admire most about him. But yesterday...that didn't feel like justice at all. That felt like Garrus hunting down revenge. And it felt like if I'd let him get it, I would have lost Garrus entirely. 

My heart hurts, and my head is pounding. I let Garrus down again, I betrayed him all over again. And even if I did it for him, even if I did it to protect him and even if I am right, I betrayed him. I don't think he's ever going to forgive me. 

But I think I'd rather have him hate me than be unable to live with himself. 

I go down to Mess Hall for breakfast for the sole reason that I'm hoping Garrus will be there. Instead of finding him in Mess, I find the crew watching Jack pound on the door to the Main Battery. "Open this door, Big Bird, or I will blow my way through it!" she screams, fists glowing with her biotics. 

"Do not," I order quietly. She turns to look at me, mouth open, fire in her eyes. "Well, don't stop! Get in there. But do not break my ship - and especially not his favorite part of the ship - to do it." 

Jack nods and turns back to the door, resuming her pounding. I head for the coffee machine when I can feel the eyes of the entire crew on me. Some of them are wondering why I'm not stopping Jack, I'm sure, but Garrus needs someone. If it can't be me, I'm glad he has a friend. I'm sure some of the crew is on what they perceive to be my side or Garrus's, but they're all wrong. There is no side here. No one can win. 

"I - fuck!" Jack squeals. I look up in time to see her flying through the doors before they shut quickly again, locking her into the Battery with him. Good. At least he's not alone now. 

Granted, I did just leave two of the most dangerous people on my team locked into a room with a massive gun...

"Are you okay?" Tali asks. She moves my hand from the coffee pot and picks it up to fill my mug. I only realize then that I'd been standing here, holding the pot handle, and not pouring. 

"Headache. Guess I'm not functioning though it," I mutter. Lies, and Tali knows it, but she doesn't call me out. I thank her for the mug and take a giant gulp from it. If anything is going to help, it's coffee.

"Shep?" I turn to find Kasumi standing on the opposite side of the counter. "I realize there couldn't be a worse day to do this but...I need your help. It's personal." 

And if anything is going to make this worse, it's a mission. But I'm not about to let Kasumi down, too. 

We head to her space, which of course is a communal space and the one with the bar, and Kasumi sits cross-legged on the couch beside me. She tells me a story I'd suspected of her. Kasumi lost someone, someone who was the love of her life. And now she needs to infiltrate a party thrown and attended by particularly dangerous people to get something of his back. She wants to steal something on my time and dollar, and I'm all about it because those people suck and because I know what she's dealing with. 

"The party is tonight? We'll go, no problem." 

"Thank you. There's one other problem, though." I raise my brow and wait. With Kasumi, I'm equal parts worried and curious. It could go either way. "Garrus can't go. The risk of someone in this crowd recognizing Archangel is higher than with anyone else." 

"Yeah, well...that's probably not a problem right now. Whoever comes needs to be my date, and I don't think Garrus could be that right now." My face flames even while I'm saying it. I hate having to admit that even to a friend, even to someone I trust. 

"Shepard. What the hell happened out there?" she demands, shifting onto her knees. It's not judgment but concern, and I know that Kasumi can actually get what I'm going through, so I spill. I tell her what Sidonis was to Garrus, why yesterday meant so much to him. I tell her what I did, the choice I made and why. And I tell her that I think I've lost Garrus but that I think it's worth it for him. Kasumi's response is, "Shepard, you are really stupid if you think you've lost Garrus. He loves you." 

"Yeah, I know that he loves me, but..." I shake my head. Garrus doesn't just love me; Kasumi doesn't even know the half of it. But him being trapped with me isn't why I want him to stay with me. "If he can't forgive me for this, it won't matter that he loves me." 

Kasumi just takes a breath, understanding that as best she can. And it's more than I can ask for. 

"Give Joker the coordinates, and have him give me a timeframe. I'll recruit...Thane." It's a snap decision. He's good on his feet, he's good in a crowd...he'll make a good date. But Kasumi frowns at me, and I can read her mind for it. Garrus and Thane are okay, but Garrus isn't going to appreciate me virtually going on a date with Thane. 

And maybe that's part of why I pick Thane, too. Maybe if he gets mad about it, Garrus will at least talk to me. 

But I have no chance to talk to Garrus or Thane before Kelly is telling me that Jacob needs me, and it's urgent. Urgent is not what I need today. And yet I get to the Armory and get ready to deal with someone else's problem. Old Shepard would have dealt with her problems exactly like this, running away and finding some distraction. Finding someone else's problem. But old Shepard died, and I've been working so hard to face things head on, to be open. Now, new Shepard doesn't know how to make it work with Archangel. 

"Hey, Jacob, whats - " 

I'm cut off when a tray of tools he was using goes clattering to the floor. Jacob jumped out of his skin when all I said was hi. Maybe Kelly was right about this being urgent. 

"Sorry, Commander," he mutters, diving to the floor. I follow him, helping clean up. "I'm a little...unfocused. Personal matter. It won't affect my duties." 

"I'm not worried about your duties, Jacob, you do a great job. Tell me what's on your mind." 

Jacob sighs, putting the full tray aside. "You have enough going on today, it's not important. I let Kelly call you up here when she called me out on snapping at Miranda but...hell, Miranda deserved it." 

"I don't doubt that," I laugh, rolling my eyes. and then I wait, pressuring Jacob to talk by being completely silent. And it works in seconds, faster than usual with the crew. I choose not to tell him that he crashes faster than Tali. 

"I don't want to waste our time if it turns out to be a goose chase, but..." Jacob starts pacing, and I lean against his desk to wait. "I got pinged by a ghost the other night. Family." 

"I'm going to need more detail." 

Jacob takes a breath, exhales, and it all comes out. "My father was first officer on a ship that went missing ten years ago. I had not talked to him for three years prior. His ship, the Hugo Gernsback, sent an SOS last week, reporting a crash and a request for rescue. Just like that, out of the blue." He shakes his head. "I'm not convinced it isn't just some automated distress signal ticking over. It's been too long." 

"I'm not exactly an expert on family relations, but you don't sound particularly excited that your father might be alive," I note. 

"He wasn't around enough for me to have bad memories," Jacob explains with a shrug I'm sure is supposed to seem casual. "It's an old, well-healed wound. But if he's actually alive and needs help..." 

"Yeah, I get it." 

Jacob nods, but winces a little. "I should also note that it's not normal procedure for distress calls to be routed to the Normandy. This was passed to my personal log through Cerberus filters." 

Red flags go up for me immediately with mention of Cerberus. I know all too well that the Illusive Man will orchestrate missions without regard for my crew, like on Horizon and with the downed Collector ship. "Any signs that this is a Cerberus front? Who passed this to you?"

"I doubt the Illusive Man would let a direct operation stay cold this long. If there's a link, it's probably just about money. Cerberus needs diverse holdings to fund projects like...well, like you." 

I will never love hearing myself called a project, but I'm not going to be angry with Jacob for it. He's not wrong. 

"Anyway, whoever sent this my way covered their tracks," Jacob continues. "Someone could be fishing for favors. Or thought it would get under my skin. Who knows with that bunch?"

"Fair enough. So tell me about the Hugo Gernsback and what it was doing." 

"Privately held frigate. I looked over the mission brief when it disappeared. Nothing stood out. Typical research and grab operation. Find an uncharted planet, stake a claim, and establish as large a presence as you can as fast as possible to shut out competitors." 

"You didn't get along with your father?"

And then he's pacing again. Dad is a sensitive subject. "He made no apologies, I'll give him that. You make a mistake, you own up to it, even if you keep making it. Whatever problems we had were a lifetime ago. I've had ten years to get where I am. And as far as I know, he's still a ghost." 

"Okay, well, we don't need ghosts haunting us while we're chasing the Reapers, so give Joker the coordinates, and I'll figure out getting there to check it out." 

Jacob stops and gives me a small smile. "I appreciate that. I don't expect more than dusty old bones, but it'll be good to close the record." 

Closure is important. Closure is what Sidonis should have been for Garrus. I shake that off and leave the room. Maybe what I need is for Old Shepard to make a reemergence. There's not much point in being new right now when I was doing it for Garrus. It's only going to hurt more.

*****

I would love to ignore Shepard's message to report to the Comm Room. I would love to be obstinate and ignore her, I would love to be that petty. But no matter how bad a Turian I am, I cannot ignore an order, and that's what the message is. It's an order. It's work, not personal. And so I report. 

Part of me is almost disappointed that this wasn't a set up for Shepard to talk to me. I know it wasn't because I walk into the Comm Room and find Shepard there with Jacob, Kasumi, Joker, Miranda, and Thane. At least I know it's not an intervention if Tali and Jack aren't here. Besides, it's just been a day since Shepard and I last spoke. Less than a day. 

Fifteen hours since I told Shepard I don't want her near me, fifteen hours since the last time we spoke. Fifteen hours of hell, and she called me into a professional meeting instead of an intervention. I want to throw her through a wall and beg forgiveness all at the same time. And then I remember Sidonis isn’t dead, and I stand as far from Shepard as I can possibly get. I don't want her near me. 

"We have to talk logistics for two brief missions," Shepard announces to the room, immediately silencing it and taking control. Commander mask on. Is she suffering, too? "We're going to Aeia and Bekenstein, and we're going to split up to save time. I'm taking Kasumi and Thane on mission A to Bekenstein; the details are on the datapad." 

Joker slaps one into my chest, and I scowl at him but open it for details. A party...they're stealing something. Apparently Thane is going to be Shepard's date at this party. When I look at him, Thane is already watching me from across the room. He knows what he's doing, what his role on that mission is. He knows he's taking my girl on a date for a mission, and he's damn well going to know I'm not pleased with it. 

Except that I can't say anything about it right now. If I step in about this, I'm going to get emotional with Shepard, and I'm not ready for that. She fucked me over. She doesn't deserve my emotions. Thane can take her on a date. I don't care. 

"Garrus, you're going to lead mission B with Jacob, same datapad. You can choose your third team member." She doesn't look at me while saying it, so I look away from her. It's easier not to look at her right now anyway. "For the Bekenstein mission, we cannot take a shuttle from the Normandy, so we're going to be leaving from here in two hours in a car we'll rent on the Citadel. A shuttle will follow and stay in orbit. In the meantime, the Normandy will leave for Aeia in the morning. When we're done on Bekenstein, we'll meet the shuttle and rendezvous with the Normandy." 

"You're anticipating being gone for three days?" Miranda asks. 

Shepard nods. "Four at most, yes." 

Four days. Shepard's going to be gone for four days starting in two hours, and we already haven’t spoken in fifteen hours. 

Green eyes flash away from mine the second I look up. She's thinking the same thing, and I still have no idea what to say about it. And the Commander mask is still up. 

"Any questions?" Shepard asks the room. No one has any. 

A glance at the mission for Aeia tells me it's going to be straightforward and should be fairly simple. I should have some feelings one way or the other about Shepard giving me a mission to lead. My gut wants to be excited to be in a leadership role, my head wants to be anxious that I'm going back into a leadership role after what happened the last time. But I feel nothing. If I think about Sidonis, I feel pissed off and hurt. If I think about Shepard...it's work. The mission does nothing for me. 

Numb. Again. Just when I thought I'd escaped numb. 

Shepard dismisses us, and I start to leave the room with the others, but she calls, "Vakarian. A moment?" 

Again, I want to be petty and ignore her. But since she uses my last name and I'm running a mission, I assume it's business, and so I stop. Miranda bugs Shepard about something for another moment, and then we're alone. The moment the doors shut, the air in the room sparks to life, and for the first time, I hate that connection. I do not want to want her right now. 

"I needed someone I could trust for the Aeia mission since I'll be so far off," she tells me, leaning forward with her palms on the table. "You also couldn't come to Kasumi's party with me because there's too much risk for someone to recognize Archangel. So." 

"Understood. And Thane was...the obvious choice?" 

"Did you have a better suggestion?" The tone of her voice tells me everything I need to know. First, she chose Thane at least in part because she knew it would piss me off. Second, Shepard's walls are up. She's shut down, shutting me down. It's the first time since she came back to life, and it's like a kick in the gut. But it's also her own damn fault.

And I don't have to be nice about it. 

"No. You can take whoever you want on a date." 

I expect her face to harden the way it would have two years ago. I expect her to get pissed off, to tell me off. Instead, Shepard's face falls completely. The walls come crumbling down, and I can see pain flash through those emerald eyes. I just hurt her badly. I hate that I feel bad about it but it takes an immense amount of control not to run around the table and fix this for her. 

"Garrus..." She takes a breath and drops her head. "We're about to spend four days apart. I don't want to leave the ship and be away from you for four days without at least talking about this." 

"No. I told you I don't want to talk about it." 

"We're going to have to talk eventually!" 

"What is there to say?" Shepard startles when I raise my voice. "What could you possibly say to excuse what you did to me? And why the hell should I listen to it?" She opens her mouth, and I hold up my hand to cut her off. "Don't. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to be around you. Unless you have something to say that's not about what you did, don't say anything at all." 

Shepard takes a deep breath and slowly starts around the table. She doesn't look at me until she's standing right in front of me. "Good luck on your mission. Please be careful. I love you." 

My heart stalls, and Shepard walks away. 

"I love you, too." 

*****

Four days later, I am crawling out of my fucking plates. I can barely catch my breath, I haven't eaten in two days, and it took me six hours to fill out a simple mission report for a very simple mission on Aeia. Well, not simple for Jacob, but simple overall. And in the two days since, he seems to have recovered. After the guys on the crew let him kick the crap out of them in the ring. 

But I'm a wreck. Shepard really fucked up with Sidonis. She knew that it was important to me, she knew exactly what I needed her to do, and she failed to support me. She chose Sidonis over me, she sided with him over me, she betrayed me. 

Instead of being completely pissed off at her, instead of being fully done with her and over it after yet another betrayal, I'm a wreck because Shepard isn't on the ship. Because Shepard is off on a mission that we heard had complications, a gunfight. Because Shepard is on a date with another guy, and I sent her off. I can't eat, can't sleep, can barely sit still or think straight because she's not here even though she punched me right in the heart. 

And even if I wanted to? I can't leave her. I can never leave Shepard because I bonded with her. No matter what she does to me, no matter how bad or how awful, I cannot leave her. I don't want to. But I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like being broken with her. 

If I'm going to be with her forever, if I'm never going to have another option, I need to believe that Shepard isn't going to hurt me. That we're a team. And she proved otherwise with Sidonis. 

But fuck me, I want her back on this ship. 

"Swear to shit, Garrus, if you don't sit down, I'm gonna punch you in the face." 

I don't even realize I'm pacing until Jack snaps at me. And when I come back to reality, I get hit the face with a peanut. Hadley and Matthews have been throwing peanuts at me...for a while, judging by the number of peanuts on the floor around me. 

"We've been talking to you for like ten minutes, buddy," Joker notes, raising his eyebrows at me. 

"Leave him alone," Tali practically growls. "He's not going to calm down until Shepard is back on the ship. And then once she's back on the ship, he'll go back to being an obstinate ass and not speak to her. Even though he can't sit still because he's so worried." 

"Okay, now you need to leave me alone," I snap at her. They all know some of what happened, they know that Shepard and I aren't speaking, but they don't know the details. Even if they think they know everything, none of them does. I don't have the words to put to what I'm dealing with, so I haven't been able to talk about it even when I tried. 

"The shuttle has returned," EDI announces. Something shifts in my chest, and it's the first time I've been able to take a real breath since she got off the ship. She's back. If nothing else, Shepard is home and she's safe. "They're coming up in the elevator." 

I head for the Main Battery and lock the door behind me once I'm through, ignoring way too many people calling my name from behind me. They all want me to stop, to wait, to greet her. They want me to be fine and to start talking to her like nothing happened. Like she didn't break my heart. Again. 

"Any injuries, EDI?" 

"No, Garrus. The team has returned with no injuries." 

"Thank you. I'm going to hack through the security protocols so that no one can come in or out of this room," I tell the ship AI. We have an agreement. EDI tells me before double checking my calculations, and I tell EDI before I block or hack a system. It works for both of us so that I don't end up screaming out ship cancer, and EDI doesn't feel a need to complain to Shepard about me. 

Maybe if I made EDI complain about me to Shepard tonight, Shepard would have a reason to come check in on me. She would have an excuse to come in here. But I told Shepard to stay away and I locked the doors, so she's not coming to see me. And it's been four days. 

Spirits, I haven't seen her in four days. 

How much of how broken, how numb, how hollow I feel is because I've spent four days apart from and angry with my bondmate, and how much of it is because my best friend hurt me so badly? How do I figure out the difference?

"Garrus, Commander Shepard is at the door," EDI tells me. Or warns me, I'm not sure. "She heard about the injury on your mission reports, and she wants to discuss it." 

I roll my eyes, but I definitely can't keep Shepard shut out now. I don't even want to. I use the console to unlock the door, and I turn around when I hear them open. Concern is written all over Shepard's face, her brows drawn together. But she's gorgeous. Seeing her for the first time in days, after not sleeping with her, especially after being mad at her...it's like a balm to my soul. 

"What happened? You hurt your shoulder?" she demands. Shepard comes across the room, reaching for my arm without hesitation. I step back, out of her reach, automatically. Pain flashes over her face, but I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it for self-preservation.   
If she touches me, I'll fold. I'll collapse and ignore everything she did to me. Not this time. 

"It was nothing. Jacob shouldn't even have included it in the final reports," I assure her. "It's just been stiff since the - " 

"Gunship, yeah, I know. Did you see Chakwas?" She crosses her arms over her chest, and I know it's because she doesn't want to try and touch me again, but she'll do it without thinking. My hands are gripping the console behind me for the same reason. 

"There was no need, it was just strained a little. I promise, it's...it's fine." 

Shepard nods, looking down at the floor. I don't know why she's not looking at me. Probably because she thinks I'm a murderer and has no respect for me. And I shouldn't care because she betrayed me. I don't care how she felt about me killing him, she knew the plan in advance and promised to stand by my side. She promised to be my partner. She failed me. 

"Is there something else you need?" I demand, my anger coming out in my tone. Shepard looks at me then, blinking up at me, and I know what she's going to say before she says it, so I cut her off. "No, I don't want to talk about it yet. And no, I don't know when I'll be ready." 

"I wasn't going to ask. I get it, you're never going to talk to me about it. We spent four days apart, you never answered my messages or calls, you probably never even thought of me except to hate me." She's shouting by the end of the sentence, and I have to grip the console now to keep myself from reacting. "What I was going to say is that I'm glad you're not hurt and that I missed you. I wanted to tell you I missed you. And I'll be waiting around for you to decide I'm worth talking to." 

Shepard spins and practically runs out of the room. The doors hesitate long enough that I can see her hands fly to her face and cover it. I hear her first sob before the doors shut, and pain so sharp that it takes my breath away shoots through my heart. I want desperately to run out of the room, throw myself into her arms, make the pain stop for both of us. The only thing I want more is to drown in a bottle of strong, dark liquor. That would stop my pain, too. 

I want a drink. I want to get drunk. Black out fucking drunk until I don't even remember who Shepard is, the kind of drunk I never managed to find no matter how hard I tried because Shepard is always on my mind. I need a drink. 

I head for the door, aiming for the bar on this ridiculous fucking ship, but they open before I can get there. For a moment, I pause, wondering if it's a ghost. A meow tells me that it's a monster. The kitten pads in quickly, chirping up at me and weaving between my feet. "She sent you, didn't she?" I ask, scowling down at the animal. 

Green eyes flash up at me, Monster just meowing in response. I reach down and scoop him up with one hand, the little guy jumping right into my carapace. It's built that way on Turians to protect our infants during battle, the only species with anatomy designed to protect our children assuming we'll be in war even if we have infants in our arms. Apparently it works just as well for kittens who want to cheer us up. 

"I hate that you can cheer me up," I tell the creature. I throw myself down on the cot and pet his head, listening to Monster purr. "Doesn't she need you? Should I be bigger and send you back to her? Should I even give a crap? Probably not, right?" 

Monster headbutts me in the face and bats my mandible, yowling at me. 

"Well, of course you take her side. That's not fair. You know, if she's your mommy, I'm your dad. You can’t pick favorites." I manage a laugh at myself and add, "Says the guy who very blatantly has a favorite parent. Hell, I even have a favorite of your parents, and it's not me." 

Monster again meows, and this time he nuzzles me softly. 

"Suck up. Next time you see her, tell her I said thank you for sending you." 

My Omni-Tool starts buzzing, startling Monster for a second until I shush him. I have every intention of ignoring the call until I see who it's from. My father hasn't reached out, hasn't bothered to talk to me, in months. I made it clear that I'm not leaving Shepard, and he washed his hands of me. He learned I'd been on Omega and forbade me from speaking to my mother or my sister without even knowing about Archangel. 

And now he's calling me. I answer with my heart in my throat, certain that for him to call me, someone I love must be dying or dead. "Dad? What's wrong?" 

"We need to talk about your...about Shepard. Garrus, we need to talk about Shepard." 

*****

Day seven post Sidonis. Post Garrus, maybe. I don't really know. Are we even...

I can't. I can't go there and focus. If I go there and the answer is what I'm terrified of, I will never be able to complete this mission. My team needs me, the fucking galaxy needs me, and after a week, I've come to realize that Garrus hating me might mean that I lose him. Forever. 

And now I have to ask for his help.

Staring the doors to the Main Battery, I can barely breathe. My throat feels tight, my heart is pounding, and I might throw up. At the thought of seeing Garrus. 

This is not how my life is supposed to go. This is not what we're supposed to be like. A week ago, we had intense intimacy and dreams of the future and a friggin cat together. Now, I have anxiety about even talking to him. 

But I don't matter. I need to talk to Garrus to help Kasumi, who is a member of our team and a friend. We have to work together to help her. 

The doors open when I approach. Garrus straightens from the console, and I know that he knows it's me. "Do you have a minute? It's not about..." 

_Oh, good, Shepard, figure out how to finish that one. It's not about the fact that we aren't talking, aren't living together, maybe aren't even together at all because I betrayed you, Garrus._

Garrus huffs out a sigh and turns from the console, walking to the crates opposite the cot. The cot that has become his bed again. He sits down hard and doesn't look up at me, staring down at his boots. I start toward the cot but decide that's way too hard, and then move to the console instead. "The mission report for Bekenstein didn't say everything. We were stealing something very personal for Kasumi. Has she ever told you about the guy she lost?"

That gets Garrus's attention and he looks up, though not at me. "Not in so many words, no. I figured there was someone, that something had happened. I...I don't know, recognized the look, I guess." 

I have to swallow, my mouth going too dry. I hate talking about that time almost as much as he does. Except I was dead, and he was suffering. And that's why I'm here now. 

"Keiji. They were partners and had been together a while until he died very suddenly. We stole what she called his black box, but it's effectively a goodbye message from him directly to Kasumi." I shake my head, remembering the shuttle ride. "Garrus, she watched the holovid like a dozen times on the way home, and she's barely been out of her room since then. She watches it over and over, I'm not convinced she's eating or sleeping." 

"It's a goodbye message?" he asks, frowning up at me. 

I nod. "Yeah, he asks her to move on. It's really sweet, and he sounds like he genuinely wants her to be happy. But Kasumi isn't hearing anything or seeing anything but Keiji, and she can't break away from it. She's taken huge steps backward in getting over him, you know?" 

"Spirits," Garrus breathes, dropping his head again. His hand moves to his chest, and he clutches at the dog tags under his shirt. My dog tags. "I don't know what I would have done if..." He cuts himself off and his face hardens a little again like he's just remembered he's supposed to be angry with me. And he'd rather be angry with me than anything else. 

"I can't just leave her in there trapped with that," I press. "It's a ghost. She's locked herself in with a ghost, and it's not healthy, it's not safe." 

"Yeah, you're right. It doesn't sound good for her." He straightens a little, running a hand back over his fringe and still clinging to the tags. I so badly want to go to him, comfort him. 

"I'm not a ghost," I murmur, looking away from him because if his eyes get all hard right now, it'll break my heart. Or break it more completely. 

"What do you want me to do? How...how can I help?" he asks. Ignoring it is probably a little better than nothing. A little. 

"Honestly, I have no idea," I admit. "But she looks at me and sees someone who came back. I don't...I don't remember spending two years without you, so I don't know what she's going through." 

He looks me straight in the eye now, and for the first time since Sidonis, I don't just see hate there. "And I do know what she's going through. At least in part." 

"Yeah. I'm sorry to have to ask, but I don't know what else to do or who else to turn to. And Kasumi needs someone." I almost tell him that I want him to do it because he's such a good leader, because he's good with the team. Our team. But I know that's going to hurt him, even more than it does usually. I know that I don't have a right to say that to him right now. 

"I'll do what I can. I'll talk to her." He shakes his head and confesses, "I...I didn't survive you. I didn't...do I tell her that? I mean, I was gonna let those gangs kill me 'til you showed up." 

"Please don't," I snap at him, my heart skipping in my chest and dropping into my shoes. "I know that you're mad at me but fuck, that was low." 

Tears burn in my eyes, and I spin from him, wiping them away as soon as they fall. I'm not going to let him see me cry while he's treating me like this. Not talking to me is one thing, but just spitting out that he was suicidal and especially when I can't hold him...

He must be damn far gone from me if we're here. If I hurt this much, I can only imagine what he's feeling. 

"You know what?" I turn back, forcing myself to look at him and quitting on the foolish effort to try and stop the tears. It's useless. "I know, Garrus. I know." 

There's a moment of confusion, and then I watch it click in his eyes. Something like horror flashes there. He didn't want me to know, he can't remember most of the night with Morinth when he told me, but it can't be avoided. Not right now. I know that Garrus is bonded to be whether he wants me to know and whether or not he actually wants to me. 

"I'm not going to say it because I want you to be the first one of us that does that," I choke out, my words coming in and out of volume because of my tears. But he can hear every single one. "But I know. And I want you to know that it doesn't matter. It does not...you aren't stuck." I force myself to meet his eyes. He deserves that from me at least; after everything I did, he deserves this. "You're allowed to be done. And if you are done, and you need me to..." 

Some horrible sob rips out of my throat, and I have to pause to catch my breath, my stomach knotting. I refuse to throw up. Not right now. 

"If you need me to be the one who ends it because you're...if you're done, and I have to walk away, I'll do that for you. I will - " 

"Commander Shepard." EDI's voice makes both of us startle. "Mordin wants to see you and Garrus. He said that it's urgent. I apologize for the interruption." 

Maybe it's for the best that I have no choice but to pull myself together. Garrus is kind enough not to watch, not to say a word to me. He even hands me a clean shirt to wipe my eyes with. It would help more if I didn't realize then that he has a bag down here. He didn't move all of his things out, but he moved out. 

"Shepard..." 

"I guess now I know. I'm...let's go talk to Mordin." 

He doesn't say anything else, following me out of the Main Battery and to the Tech Lab. Mordin is practically bouncing when we walk in, and his mood is in such a sharp contrast to ours that it nearly knocks me back. "Good! Knew you'd want the news right away!" 

Mordin goes running across the room. Literally running. I just look up at Garrus, confused as hell, and Garrus only shrugs his shoulders. At least he looks just as lost as I feel. 

He plucks something out of the cooler, straightens up to hold something over his head, and announces, "Figured it out." 

"Figured...what out, Mordin?"

The professor turns around and looks at us like we've grown extra heads. "Best chance to make you parents." 

My heart leaps. Despite it all, despite everything else and what just happened, my heart leaps. No matter what happened a week ago, no matter where Garrus has been sleeping, I still want his babies. I still want all of it. 

"That's...that's it?" Garrus breathes, holding his hand out for the vial Mordin retrieved. 

"Yes!" He hands it to Garrus who holds the vial up, staring at it like it's a precious gem. And now I can't breathe because I think Garrus still wants it too. "Protein prepared, formula solved. Next step, get ready for injection. Will likely need years if not longer for total acceptance. Will run simulations. May never work. Process. But will be ready. When you are." 

When we are. 

If. 

"You two did it, didn't you?" Garrus breathes, staring down at the vial though I can tell his mind is elsewhere. I look at Mordin, but he looks confused, too. Garrus knows that we did this, that I asked Mordin to help us have a baby. But when Garrus looks at me, I can tell that's not what he means. "My father called me a couple days ago. He told me that my mother was accepted into some brand new clinical trial that she never should have been accepted into. Someone pulled the strings, and he had suspicions you were involved." Garrus looks at Mordin, then back at me. "It was you two, wasn't it?"

Mordin just stares at me. I swore him to secrecy, to silence about this. I never wanted it traced to me, and Mordin doesn't need attention or accolades so he was fine with it. I never wanted Garrus to know, and now Garrus can see that on my face. 

"Why didn't you tell me?' he breathes, shaking his head at me slowly. 

"I...it was about your mom, not me." I take a deep breath. "I mentioned her illness to Mordin one day and asked if there was anything he could do." 

"Knew of trial starting," Mordin admits, staring down at his hands. "Knew director. Used...channels to find mother's records. Used favors to get acceptance. Funding..."

"Was me," I admit. I paid the fees, paid for the costs of any medication, paid for the scientists to get from Sur'Kesh, the Salarian homeworld, to Palaven. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best money I've ever spent. 

Garrus hands the vial back to Mordin, and I can see that his hand is shaking. "I...we'll talk about starting. And-and about my...mom." He's shaken, stammering. I've never seen him like this. "But...but I-I need to talk to..." He turns and looks at me, blue eyes wide and wet. There are too many emotions in there for me to identify or recognize them. "We need to talk." 

After not talking for a week, I should be relieved that he wants to talk to me. I should be grateful that we're finally going to talk. But I'm terrified. What if he's mad about me involving Mordin in, hacking his mother's medical records and invading her life? What if he no longer wants children with me because he can't rely on me? 

What if he's going to make me be the one who walks away?

I clear my throat, forcing myself to keep it together for now. "Okay. Mordin, thank you. Again. For everything. We'll, uh...we'll talk later." 

"Understood. Go. Important." 

I can't address the look in his eyes either. Garrus leads me out of the Tech Lab, and I follow him to the elevator silently. I don't need to look a gift horse in the mouth and ask why we're going upstairs. I just want Garrus back in our quarters. 

The entire ride, the far too long and miserable ride, is silent as well. Neither of us says a word while we ride to our quarters. If that's what they still are. 

Monster comes running, meowing the whole way and zigzagging between our feet. I realize when I see him that I've gone numb. Too many questions about what's to come, too many tears, and too much pain from the rest of the week. I'm hollowed out. The kitten follows me to the couch and climbs up the leg of my pants to sit in my lap. Numb, I pet him and wait for Garrus to deliver my fate. 

Garrus takes longer to approach, and then he sits down on the table in front of me. He won't even sit next to me. 

"I'm sorry," I blurt out, wanting to get it out before anything else is said, before I don't have a chance to say it anymore. "I realize you might see what we did as an invasion of your privacy, and I'm sorry for that. I'm especially sorry if your father is mad or something, I...I just wanted to help. If we had a way to help your mom, I had to try. She's...she's your mom, Garrus. But I'm sorry if - " 

"Please shut up," he whispers, voice hoarse. "You're sorry? Shepard. She's my mom. And my dad says this trial...this could actually give her life back. The scientists think she could get years more from this. Years," he repeats, voice breaking around the world. 

I reach for him on instinct but snatch my hand back quickly, not wanting to make this even worse. Garrus grabs my palm before I can hide it, and he traps my hand in between both of his. I stare, watching his hands effectively swallow mine for a long beat before I find the courage to look up at him. I've never seen him cry before, and the tears running down his face take that numbness and shred it completely. 

"Thank you," he murmurs, eyes boring into me. "It's not enough. I could never thank you enough for that." 

"You don't need to thank me. I didn't even want you to know," I remind him. "I just...you're my family, Garrus. And that makes your family mine." 

I can't say it without sobbing, because it's true. It's so very true. Garrus is my family, my entire family, and I betrayed him and I lost him and - 

"Please tell me what to do." And now I'm begging because I don't know what else to do.

"Tell me why you did it," Garrus breathes, voice a little firmer now. And he's still holding my hand; that has to be a good sign. "Tell me why you stopped me and spared him. I need...I need to try and understand." 

I nod and force myself to take a breath. I don't know if it'll be enough, but at least he's giving me a chance to explain now. It's all I've wanted, a chance to show him I didn't do that just to hurt him or because I don't trust him. It might not earn his forgiveness and it might not be enough for him to trust me ever again, but at least he'll learn the truth. 

"When you first came back onto the Normandy, after we got you off Omega...Garrus, you were so dark. That darkness, it was in your eyes and in every smile, it was...I was so scared it was going to consume you." I shake my head and brush my tears off my cheeks quickly. I have to hold it together if I'm going to get through this, and Garrus is watching me so carefully, I have to get through this. "It was getting better. You were working so hard with the medicine and talking but you still...you still couldn't talk to me about Omega. The nightmares, too. I was still scared of the darkness, but I thought you could fight it." 

My stomach flops, bile working its way into my throat until I have to force it down. I hate this part of the story. I hate even thinking about what I saw in him. 

"And then when you were chasing Sidonis...Garrus, I don't know who that man was," I admit. "Maybe that was Archangel, maybe someone else but...it wasn't you. And when you were like that, I wasn't sure anymore that you could fight the darkness. I was...God, I was terrified." He squeezes my hand, and I look up at him again. He at least doesn't look like he hates me. 

I take a deep breath and find a way to continue. "When I was standing there...it wasn't me between you and Sidonis. That's not what I saw, it's not how I felt. It was me between you and that darkness. It was going to take you from me. Sidonis wasn't going to be the only one of you who died if I let you fire that shot, and I...I cannot let you go. Not like that." 

"Not ever," he replies firmly, immediately. He shifts closer, pulling my legs between his knees and then keeping his hands on my thighs. He leans forward to catch my eyes, hands squeezing my legs. Touching me, he's touching me. "Don't let me go. Don't ever let me go, not even when I'm running screaming into the darkness and begging for it, Shepard, please don't let me go." This time when his voice breaks and I want to reach for him, I don't hesitate. 

I pull him to me, and Garrus crushes me into a hug. He comes onto the couch and tugs me against him, into his lap, and we both laugh but never part when Monster yowls at us and scampers off. Garrus shudders and buries his face in my throat, and I hold him as tight as I possibly can. I never thought I'd be able to hold him again; I realize now that I genuinely thought he was going to be done with me. 

"I'm sorry," I tell him, clinging and crying and not caring at all. "I promised to be on your six, I promised not to hurt you again, and I - "

"You had to save me," he murmurs, shaking his head and speaking against my skin. "You weren't hurting me, you weren't betraying me. You were saving me. I'm so sorry I was too stubborn, too obsessed to see it." He shifts to press his forehead against mine, and I sigh through that buzzing sensation that washes down my spine. "I was awful to you; I should have talked to you instead of running. All I could see was Sidonis, and I failed to remember you. To remember I know you love me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." 

I take his face between my hands and shake my head, not breaking our contact. "It's okay. I got why it was so important, I knew why you were so upset. I just wanted this chance to talk even if it meant you still left me." 

"I'm never leaving you," he whispers. "Spirits, Shepard...I want those babies with you. I want..." 

Garrus snaps up suddenly, his spine going completely straight until he's gawking at me. It's so fast that I almost startle, but before I can ask him what's wrong, he's running across the room. "What are you doing?"

"Something I should have done weeks, months ago," he answers, laughing at himself. Garrus shoves something into his pocket and then runs back to me, moving too fast. He throws himself back down on the couch beside me and takes my face between his hands. "Look at me. I need you to listen to what I'm about to say very, very closely because this is...fucking years overdue." 

"I'm looking, I'm listening," I assure him, pulling my legs up into his lap. I need to be as close to him as possible. 

"Elle..." He laughs softly. "Damn it, I love you, kid. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love someone." All of a sudden, I can't breathe at all. It's like a kick in the chest, my heart thumping against my ribs. "And it's not...it's not just that I love you, okay? You're my soulmate, my bondmate. I'm physically, irrevocably, unquestionably bonded to you, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Oh, God, Garrus," I cry, tears spilling down both of our faces again. And he's smiling at me through his tears before he lets go of my face to hold my hand. "You didn't have to say it. I wanted...I wanted you to be ready." 

"I'm ready, I've been ready. Just...stubborn. Scared. So much that it's ruining everything." 

I scoff at him. "Nothing is ruined, Garrus. I'm right here." 

"Yeah, you are. And you were there for me with Sidonis even when I fought you off every step of the way," he breathes. "You've been there for me through the darkness, Spirits you're there for my mom and you don't even know her. I...I should have done this before." 

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Garrus, and you're starting to freak me out," I laugh at him. 

"I'm freaking myself out," he laughs, "but I think I'm supposed to do this on my knees so..." Garrus slides off the couch and onto one knee. He kneels. He kneels and slides his hand into his pocket, and now I really can't breathe. 

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are you doing?" I demand, jumping to my feet even though my hands and legs are shaking violently. 

"Hey, hey, don't go," Garrus breathes, reaching out and catching my hand. He's giving me the sweetest, shyest smile I've ever seen on him. "I told you this was coming one day, didn't I? I'm not waiting another day when I lost you once, when I never should have let you go." 

I think I might pass out. I really truly think I might pass out right here, I can barely breathe at all, and my hand is almost vibrating inside Garrus's. The room tilts when he pulls a small black box out of that pocket, and some horrible whimpering sound that is so very pathetic escapes me. 

"Elle Shepard...you are my best friend. You're the one person I want on my six for the rest of my life, the one person I'd follow into hell." He takes a shaky breath and continues, "Turians get one shot at true love. We're each made with half of our souls, half our beings. And there is one person for each of us in the entire universe who will complete us." Those impossibly blue eyes are more impossible than ever before when he says, "You are that one person for me, kid. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you, have kids with you, have sex with you in illegal places, save the universe with you. I want you to marry me." 

"Illegal sex, you brought up illegal sex while proposing to me," I laugh, shaking my head at him and rolling my eyes. He returns the eye roll, and my heart starts racing even faster. This man is totally perfect for me. 

Garrus pops open the box, and I gasp. The ring is perfect, shiny and traditional. It reminds me instantly of the ring that sat on my mother's hand, and I fall for it almost as fast as I fell for the man who is presenting that ring to me. 

"Hey." I meet his eyes again, and Garrus smiles though I can see how incredibly nervous he is. "Will you marry me, my love?" 

"You didn't even have to ask," I tell him, tears starting all over again. 

He shakes his head and laughs. "Yes, I did, because you deserve this. We deserve this after everything we've been through. I'm going to put a ring on your finger and a mark on your throat and you'll do the same for me because we deserve it. Now for fuck's sake, Shepard, please put me out of my misery and say yes." 

I throw myself at him, taking him right to the floor with a very satisfying grunt. "Yes, yes, God, yes." 

"Oh, thank fuck," he growls, rolling to bring me under him to the floor. "Thank the Spirits," he breathes, then kisses me hard. "Thank you," he whispers, shifting down to nip my throat. "I love you." 

I arch into him, grabbing on and holding tight with my heart fluttering. "That sounds even better to hear than I thought it would." 

"I have a lot of saying it to make up for," he tells me, pulling back enough to look me in the eye. There's something on the tip of his tongue, and for a moment, I get scared that he's scared of it again, that's he's going to quit saying it. I could have lasted not hearing it, but now that I've had it, that would just be cruel. Instead, Garrus's face softens, and he leans down to nuzzle my forehead with his. "We need to talk. I have to explain Sidonis, what happened. We can't..." He takes a breath that sounds shaky again. "We can't start our engagement and the rest of our lives with that hanging over us." 

I hate that he just went from the happiest I've seen him to dark and hurt again. I hate it when he looks like this. I have to fix it. 

"I'll tell you what." I wrap my legs around his thighs and twist, getting leverage to bring Garrus to the floor so that I'm straddling him. "We will talk. You will say everything you need to say. Right after you cum inside me."

Garrus flashes a genuine smile, the darkness gone.


	39. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the amazing comments on the last couple chapters. It's such a pivotal thing for this romance, I was VERY nervous. I'm so glad you loved it. Comments feed my soul!!

"Sidonis wasn't just another member of my team." 

Shepard is a genius. She knew that I needed to talk but that it was going to be hard, so she got me naked, rode my cock expertly, and let me cum inside her. And now I'm far more relaxed than I was, even though we still need to talk. 

It probably helps that Shepard just agreed to marry me, and now when I hold her hand, I get to watch the ring on her finger sparkle. She's going to be my wife. There's nothing I can't say. She's here, and she always will be. 

"Sidonis and I were close," I tell her honestly. 

It's hard to talk about him, especially if I'm talking about him in a way that's positive. It's hard to remember who he was to me at a time without letting the hate that had me running wild on the Citadel last week take over. Just the mention of his name makes me want to rage, my temperature rising. So I focus on Shepard's hand in mine, the ring sparkling, and her naked body pressed against my side. And I can breathe again. 

"He knew about you. That I was bonded to you. He figured out...pheromones, it stands out if you know someone else who's bonded." I shake it off and focus instead of giving myself the out of explaining that to Shepard. "It was easier to let him support me through it since he figured it out. I talked to Devon about you, of course, but humans..." 

"We can't really grasp the entirety of bonding," Shepard finishes. I look up at her, and she smiles softly. "It's true, I don't take offense to it. So long as you know that I love you as hard as human physiology allows." 

"I know." I lift my head and kiss her briefly. I want to use that as a distraction too, but she deserves more. "Sidonis understood it. He got how much of me was lost when you were, he understood why I was always such a fucking wreck, and he tried to help me not feel so awful about it. So, I...trusted him. I let him in. If anyone else on the team had betrayed us, it would have hurt like hell. I mean, I lost them all, and I loved them all. But from Sidonis it was so much more...personal." 

I don't realize that I started crying while saying it until Shepard wipes away a tear that's escaped onto my cheek. "I didn't know Turians actually cried. That's probably stupid but...I'm guilty of believing stereotypes about all Turians being perfect soldiers." 

"Don't blame yourself, we very intentionally perpetuate those stereotypes," I assure her, squeezing her hand a little. "And I don't cry, thank you very much. Last time was about my mom. I'm not pleased you've made me this emotional, Shepard." 

"I've been crying for like a week, so I really don't feel for you all." 

I laugh and she smiles into it when she kisses me again, but it still hurts a little. "I am sorry I made you cry," I offer, lifting my other hand to caress her spine. 

"I'm sorry I made you cry, too. And I'm sorry I didn't push you to talk before we went." She shakes her head, looking at her ring. "I should have pushed it, but I didn't want you to be mad at me. I prioritized us being happy short term, and I shouldn't have. It never should have come down to you having to decide in the moment, to you..." 

"With my crosshairs on your back? Yeah, that's not an image I will ever be able to forget. And not one I want to repeat if we can avoid it, please." 

"Yes, please," she agrees wholeheartedly. 

I take a breath, knowing that there's more to say and reminding myself that I can say anything. She agreed to marry me, the future of our babies is in a lab downstairs...I can say anything. 

"Sidonis was right, you know," I admit. "He told you that I would have left them if you came back before. They were important to me, our mission on Omega was important to me, but...if you'd come back at any point, I would have ditched all of it for you. You mattered so much more to me than anything else, even when you were..." 

"Dead." This time, I don't like when she finishes my thought. "Eventually, I think we should both be able to say that without it being such an issue." 

"I think eventually is going to need to be a very long time from now." 

"I think you're right. Good thing we have a long time to work on it together, right?" She kisses me, lingering against my mouth. "You felt guilty about telling me that you would have left them for me?" I take a breath and nod. It's probably for the best that it's out there, though. Maybe. Depending on her reaction. "I feel guilty because in the last week I realized that if it came down to you and literally the entire universe...I would choose you." 

"Are we bad people?" 

"I think it's that we are people," she replies, shrugging a little. "You're not a perfect soldier, I'm not only Commander Shepard. We're people...people in love who want futures outside of only our mission and our jobs. If I'm being honest...I don't see anything wrong with that. Especially since once we do save the universe, as far as I'm concerned, we need to cash in on some favors we've earned." 

"Hackett alone owes you like four years off," I quip, earning a laugh from her. "So...you're not judging me for that? And you understand why I...freaked out a little more than I should have about Sidonis?"

"I understand. And all that really matters to me is that you told me. You're finally talking to me about Omega. Maybe I should have proposed to you awhile ago," Shepard teases, shaking our joined hands to bring my attention back to the ring. 

I laugh and roll my eyes. "I'm glad you didn't steal my thunder. I, uh...even asked for your hand." 

"What? Wha...who did you even ask?"

"Your parents, Shepard, that's human tradition, right? So who did I ask?"

"Chakwas knew you were going to propose?!" she demands, her voice escalating several octaves. "And Anderson, too? And they didn't tell me?" 

"Tali and Joker too, actually. They helped me with the ring, so you know who to blame if you don't like it." 

Shepard scoffs and sits up, the sheet falling around her waist and exposing her breasts. Her perfect, fantastic, incredibly arousing breasts. She continues speaking, I know she does, but she's not actually mad and her breasts are...yeah, we're done talking about this.

*****

Garrus tackles me back onto the mattress, yanking the blanket the rest of the way off of me. I squeak out his name in a half-hearted protest, and he swallows it in a kiss that tingles all the way down to my toes. "You deserved to be surprised by it," he tells me between kisses. "And now you deserve to be a very luck Turian's very well-fucked fiance."

"Oh, well...I suppose that's okay then." 

His head pops up and Garrus gives me a dark look. "Okay? It's okay? I'll show you okay." 

Before I can protest or tease him or do anything else, Garrus's teeth come down sharp on my nipple. Arousal hits me like a tsunami, sweeping right to my core, at the same time that my biotics come to life to defend from the pain and create a surge in my spine. Garrus growls, that spark moving through him too, and instead of soothing the sting, he keeps it up. 

Garrus is all talons and teeth, deadly sex and hot touches, and it feels like seconds before I'm overwhelmed and panting and ready to beg for him. His tongue is exactly what I need, especially with his talent. He's a man possessed, devouring me, and all I have to do is lay back and take it.

Until I hear the doors open. 

Garrus hears it just a split second before me, and I startle both from the door and from him shouting, "What the fuck, Jack?" Fortunately, Garrus has the good sense to yank the blankets back up over my body, and then grabs a pillow to cover his erection. 

"Wow, I see you two made up," Jack drawls, strolling casually into our quarters like she's not well aware of what we're doing. Even if she hadn't walked in during the middle of it, I couldn't hide the way I'm panting or sweating, the fresh marks all over me, or how heavily Garrus is breathing. Except then she stops short. "Wait. Is this break up sex? Did you fucking morons - " 

"No!" we both snap. "We did not break up, that was never on the fucking table, what the hell are you doing here?" Garrus demands. I like hearing him say that it was never on the table, still a little vulnerable now even with a ring on. Garrus is far less vulnerable and much more intimate, though. But right now he's enormously annoyed. 

"I need you," Jack replies, her shoulders falling. And it's like the air gets let out of the room in an instant, all the arousal and tension remaining are gone. The only thing left is concern.   
Jack just said three words I never thought I'd hear from her. 

"What's wrong?" I ask, sitting forward and holding the blanket up at my chest. 

"Are you okay?" Garrus follows up, getting out of the bed with the pillow strategically placed. He moves to our closet, grabs a shirt, and turns to toss it to me while Jack starts to pace. 

"You know I have a history with Cerberus," Jack begins. I duck under the blanket to pull my shirt on while Garrus sneaks back under the blanket, still covering himself with the pillow. It doesn't hide much, especially when he winces. "You know how far back it goes?"

"You know I don't make a habit of reading my crew's files, Jack," I remind her. She offered to share what she found with me, and I turned it down easily. That's weird, that's not how I operate. I'd hate to think how someone would treat me if they only went off my records and files. 

Actually, I know how that would go. Kaidan Alenko.

"I'll listen to anything you have to say," I tell her. And I hope she knows I mean it, but I know that Garrus being here will help her. They're close enough that any trust I'm lacking with Jack because I'm her commander, Garrus makes up for. 

"Your boss, the Illusive Man? Never seen him before, but Cerberus raised me. First thing I remember is my cell door in a Cerberus base." 

"Spirits." Garrus throws the pillow and blanket aside, naked but not hard, and yanks on a pair of pants. He moves to the end of the bed and sits, closer to Jack. There if she needs him. He's the best man I know. 

"They did experiments. Drugged me. Tortured me. Whatever chance I had to be normal, they stole it by trying to turn me into some super-biotic. The doctors...the other kids...every one of them hated me. They let me suffer."

My stomach churns especially because she just said this so calmly. I've always suspected Jack's abilities aren't natural, much like Miranda's and mine. But this...this is sickening. And Jack is just...so...calm. 

"Jack, I didn't know. I had no idea." 

She pauses to look at me. "I know that. I know you wouldn't let that shit slide, and that's why I'm here now." 

I nod, grateful that she knows I am not going to side with Cerberus on this one. This is disgusting. "What did they hope to gain by torturing a little girl?"

"It was something about pain breaking down mental barriers, and how it might clear the way for more biotic power." She scoffs and shakes it off, but it's completely shallow. It's a lie. She's not casual about this at all. "I'm sure there was a payoff due at some point, but I wasn't going to see it. I was wired up in a cell." 

"Torture, just to see if they could make a stronger biotic?" Garrus demands. "What the fuck is that?"

"Wasn't in a position to ask," Jack notes. "All I know is, a little girl crying in a cell, begging for the pain to stop..." 

Garrus reaches out and catches her hand, tugging Jack down onto the bed. He pulls her under his arm, turning her so that she's facing the middle of the bed. Jack resists the affection for about half a second, and then she melts into Garrus's side. 

"There were other children in the base?" I ask. 

"I didn't know much about them," she answers, voice lower. "I was kept separate. They hated me, just like everyone else there. When I broke out, I had to fight through them all. I showed them, but there's a loose end I need to deal with." 

"Broke out?" Garrus echoes, raising his brow. 

"There was some kind of emergency, and I made a break for it. The other kids came out of their cells and attacked me. So did the guards." She shakes her head, hands clenching into fists. "I just killed everything in my way and ran. Guess my biotics had developed faster than they thought. I managed to get a shuttle off the ground. Drifted until a freighter picked me up. The crew used me, then sold me. That's my uplifting escape story." 

Monster is the only one of us who manages a coherent response. He's clawed his way up the blanket and onto the bed, then runs to Jack and jumps into her lap. Petting the kitten works the same magic he always does, relaxing her immediately. 

"Jack, you're absolutely certain Cerberus was running the facility? I mean, I'm ready to jump ship for this but - " 

She scoffs at me. "We cannot jump ship. I've worked for Cerberus for too long for it all to be for nothing when the Reapers come in and wreck us." 

"Fair enough," I allow with a laugh. 

"Besides, I was a kid but I wasn't dumb. I know how to listen. It was Cerberus," she presses. "Don't care how far down the chain it was." She scoffs and shakes her head. "They thought they were so clever. Turns out, mess with someone's head enough, and you can turn a scared kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fucking idiots." 

Garrus leans down to press his forehead against the side of Jack's head. He closes his eyes and exhales slowly, his hand fisting in the blanket. He's barely holding it together, and I know Jack can tell when she leans into the touch. She looks so tiny in his arms. It makes all of this feel worse. She's so small, still just a kid. 

"Okay, well I'm gonna put on pants and then I'm calling the Illusive Man," I tell them. "Maybe we can't jump ship but he'd better have some answers." 

"He'll just deny everything," Jack notes, surprisingly logical. "That's not what I'm after anyway." 

"Then tell us what you do need, Jack," Garrus says, looking down at her. I nod, throwing my hat in with his. Always. 

Jack shakes her head a little. "I found the coordinates in your files. I want to go to the Teltin facility on Praga, where they tortured and drugged me." She leans forward, her intensity growing. "I want to go to the center of the place, my cell. I want to deploy a big fucking bomb. And I want to watch from orbit when it goes." 

That...is not what I was expecting. 

"I...that could be jumping ship," I note. "We could derail this whole mission if Cerberus sees us as attacking them." 

"The files say it was shut down after my escape," Jack tells me. "It's been abandoned for years. They going to care if I blow up a garbage dump?"

It's an empty facility. It's not an asset to Cerberus, so they can't be pissed about a loss. It's not going to hurt this mission, and allowing a place like that to stand feels gross. It is gross. And now that Jack knows where to find it, there is no way she's going to be able to rest. 

We have to do this for her. 

"I'll set a course for Pragia," I tell her with a firm nod. 

"I can almost definitely help you find the things to build a big enough bomb right here on the ship, in the kitchen," Garrus chimes in. I give him a look and Garrus shrugs. "You knew I was a wildcard when you signed on for this." 

"And now I'm signed on for life," I laugh, my heart skipping at the sight of the ring again. 

"Oh, you finally found your balls and did it, huh, Big Bird?" Jack teases, throwing her elbow back into him. 

"Oh, shit," Garrus breathes, dropping his head because he knows exactly what is coming. I grab a pillow from behind me and throw it at the Turian who told yet another person that he was going to propose to me who was not me. "I needed moral support!" 

Jack snorts. "No, he was chicken shit. Told me all this stuff about how humans don't bond and if you fall in love with someone else someday and his dick is big but the ego doesn't make up for all his flaws and blah blah blah." 

I'm cackling in a very un-commander like way that I cannot control and don't want to, falling to my back with laughter by the time she's done. I hear plates smack flesh and then the reverse. "I have never said anything to you about my dick. And the rest of it is true but you're the worst." 

"Oh, none of it is true, and you both suck. Jack has to be last to find out if we ever get pregnant, that's the punishment for both of you. Now, Jack, go gear up." 

"She means get out until we're at least slightly less naked," Garrus stage whispers, earning another pillow to his face. But it does get Jack going. She doesn't exactly thank us, but I would be concerned about her mental state if she did. And it leaves me alone with Garrus when he has that look on his face. 

"We have a mission now," I warn him, shifting away and toward the headboard even though we both know I don't really want to get away from him. 

Garrus gives me a predatory grin and growls, then crawls to me over the bed, every bit the alpha predator coming at me. My heart starts to race with adrenaline and fear even as arousal surges through me, throbbing between my legs. "I had a mission before," he purrs, grabbing an ankle and yanking me toward him as my back hits the headboard. 

"We can't now!" I protest, kicking my leg out from his grip. Or trying to. Garrus growls and pins my ankles, then yanks hard enough that I'm pulled right underneath him. "Garrus!" 

"Mm that's right, baby," he murmurs, running his hand over my chest and up to my throat. He grips hard enough that my head tilts back, and my heart seizes for a second when I think I can't breathe. "I want you screaming my name." 

He shoves my shirt up until it's over my face, and then pins my hands down above my head with one of his. I'm blind, held down, totally at his mercy. 

Garrus's face is at my ear, his breath hot and heavy. "You have a safe word," he whispers. "And I have you." 

And then I'm screaming when Garrus shoves his fingers inside me, taking me hard and fast. His palm presses mercilessly into my clit while he fucks me with his fingers and growls into my ear. "So fucking tight. I love your cunt." 

I love when he's an animal, when he makes me feel like meat. I love when he controls me. 

"Don't cum," he warns. 

I hate when he does that.

Garrus doesn't give me a chance to argue before his cock is filling me, my legs up over one of his shoulders while he pounds inside me, his quad slapping off my ass. I scream and he growls, biting into my shoulder. The pain makes everything more intense, makes me want to cum for him and around him and on him over and over. 

But I won't. I can't. He said not to, and so I won't. Damn but I need to. 

"Oh, please," I murmur. "I need to cum sir, please." 

"Yeah, beg me for it, my love," he rips into my throat, holding me completely immobile while he fucks me relentlessly. 

And I do. I fall into a pathetic puddle of horny sobs and needy begging, while he uses an expert knowledge of my body to drive me while. He puts me right on the edge and commands that I stay there, he controls me and overwhelms me. "Garrus, sir...please let me. Let me cum for you." 

"Shepard," he groans. "I wanna mark you so bad, baby, you have no idea. I want nothing more than to mark you as mine forever." He presses his mouth to space where my neck and my shoulder meet, where I'll have his mark, and I can't breathe. "Tell me. I need to hear you say it." 

"I love you," I tell him immediately, honestly, firmly. "I love you, you can mark me. I want your mark, oh, Garrus!" 

"Cum for me," he breathes, nuzzling me. "Cum, let me feel you cum." 

It comes so hard, so intensely that I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I can't see straight until the orgasm releases me, the only thing I'm aware of is Garrus's teeth in my throat and his seed exploding inside me. His teeth stay until we've both been released from orgasms, and I can't help a pained cry when he releases me. "Sorry, sorry," he breathes, releasing my legs and licking the bite gently. "Promise it won't hurt so bad when I mark you, and I'll get you Medi-Gel for this." 

"No," I moan, tugging my hands and face free and holding onto him, unwilling to let him go. I press his head to my chest and wrapping my legs around his waist even though they're shaking and throbbing a little. "Don't go anywhere. And I like when you scar me up." 

Garrus moans this time. "I like it, too. If you were a Turian, they would all fade and no one would notice but with your soft skin..." He turns his head to kiss my chest, then nuzzles. "You're all marked up. It's like I'm all over you." He tilts his hips a little, making me gasp when his cock presses against the front of my body. "And inside you." Another kiss, and then he looks up at me. "And I love you, too." 

"Oh, I am never gonna get tired of hearing that." He laughs and drops his head again, huffing out a heavy breath. "Have you gotten as little sleep over the last week as I have?"

"Spirits, next to none. And today has been..." 

"The most emotionally draining day possible? Good and bad? Yeah. Yeah, it has." I shift a little, pulling him closer and resting more comfortably on the pillows. God, we have a great bed. "Hey, EDI? How long to Pragia?"

"Two hours," the AI responds quickly. 

"Oh, thank God, let's take a nap." 

Garrus laughs. "Best idea I've heard in a long time." We both moan as he shifts out of me, still hard, and I wait while Garrus heads to the bathroom. He returns cleaned up and with a warm cloth for me. He hands it over and then walks to the dresser and I appreciate that he understands intimacy has its limits while I clean myself up. But when he returns, he's holding out a pair of panties but doesn't give them to me. "Shirt off, and I'll let you have these." 

"You don't just want me completely naked?"

"Oh, I always just want you completely naked, but you don't prefer sleeping without panties. So I at least want you topless." 

"Fair enough." I sit up and toss my shirt, accepting my panties after. "But you aren't putting anything on, are you?" 

"Of course not. I like being completely naked around you as much as I like you completely naked." We laugh and Garrus crawls into bed again, still an alpha and always predatory, but less aggressive now. Exhausted. And it's a feeling I share. 

Garrus and I roll to face one another, our hands joining between us. He brushes a curl between my ear and tugs the lobe. I run my fingers over his clan markings. "It's going to be such an honor to be your mate, Elle," he whispers. I smile and lean in, bumping my forehead against his. 

"I don't want to get married until after the Collectors and the Reapers are taken care of," I tell him. He frowns a little, but lets me continue. "And I don't want to start preparing for babies until then either. I just...I need it off my plate, off my mind, you know? It's always the first thing I think about in any situation, and I hate that." 

"Of course it is, Shepard, it's the weight of the universe on your shoulders," he breathes, shaking his head. "Everything is being threatened, sometimes it's hard to think about anything else." 

I nod, grateful that he deals with the same. It's weird when other things are also a priority with a mission like this hanging over you as a black cloud. I'm engaged to the love of my life, and I'm wondering if I should try to marry him before or after the lethal forces coming to take humans are dealt with or maybe the ones that are going to kill us all. 

"I'm...I can't say that I agree," he admits. "I would prefer to at least marry you before...just in case. But I see your point, and I accept it. I'm good with the call." 

"Thank you. I don't want to get married because 'just in case,' you know?" 

"I know." 

"And you're...you'll wait?" It's a hard question to ask. Ring on my finger or no, Garrus is hard to earn. He deserves to be earned. He deserves someone who can - 

Garrus laughs and kisses me. "Baby, I can see your wheels turning from out here. Stop it." He kisses me again. "I'm here with you. I'm on your team, on your six. I know the stakes. And beyond that...Shepard, it's your career. I know what I signed on for, I know who I'm marrying." 

"My career and prioritizing it over you is what happened to us the first time." Just saying it makes me feel sick. Selfish. 

"You prioritize me, Shepard, I know that," he murmurs, brushes my hair back. "You offered to move to the Citadel with me if I went back into Spectre training. To put your career on hold and live on the Citadel for six months. Did you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it! You know I meant it." 

He smiles softly. "I do know you meant it, and that's how I know you do prioritize me. I'm going to marry you, and I will marry you the moment we're ready. As soon as we can sleep at night knowing the universe is safe." 

"You're gonna have to teach me how to always say the charming thing, Vakarian," I tease him, cuddling closer and wrapping my arms around his neck. "Maybe you can grope me during those lessons, too." 

"Oh, my pleasure, Commander," he breathes, running his hands down my spine to cup my ass. "You're gonna marry me, right?"

A smile stretches across my face that makes me feel like I could walk on water. "Yeah. I'm gonna marry you." 

"Then we're good. There's nothing else to worry about." 

We move toward each other at the same time for a kiss. It's slow, lingering, and I never want to pull away. I only do because a nap is important. Because the mission is important, and it's allowed to be. I can have both. 

And right now, I can have a nap in my fiance's arms. 

*****

Pragia is gross. It's bad in a lot of ways, not the least of which being the fact that it's a common base for drug runners, weapons smugglers, pirates, and terrorists. A number of shuttles on Omega were coming and going from this planet, but I've never seen it before. 

And now that I've seen it, I know what's most disgusting about it. 

The planet is completely overrun by vegetation. They call it 'hypergrowth' from some mutated plant species. The place is a jungle to the extreme, and it's the most disgustingly humid place I've ever been. I instantly hate Pragia, even just with the view from the shuttle. 

"I forgot how much I hate this place," Jack notes, staring out the window as we near the base. "See the landing pad? Has to be on the roof, or the vegetation would overgrow it in a few hours." 

"Gross. This planet is gross." 

Shepard laughs. "No jungle planets for our future home or honeymoon, got it." I wink, and she rewards me with a sweet little giggle. She's playing with her ring finger, her new ring sitting under her combat gloves. It's fitted for wear with the glove, but I'm sure it'll feel odd for a little while. So long as she continues smiling when she stares at it, I'm happy. 

"You two have gotten even more disgusting," Jack groans, her tone mostly playful and very sarcastic. "Sitting here making goo-goo eyes, you at the ring and him at you. Gross. More gross than the jungle." 

Shepard's head snaps up, and she grins at me. "You're over there staring at me? God, get a life big guy." 

"I have a thing for redheads in armor," I quip. "And you." I smack Jack in the back of the head, gentle since she's bald and I'm armored. "Quit tattling on me, freak." 

They both laugh, and then they laugh harder when I roll my eyes at them. The overhead chime saves me, EDI clicking in, "Shepard, I am picking up thermal signatures everywhere, except at your landing zone," the AI tells us. 

"Something's distorting the sensors," she breathes, her tone instantly exhausted. And I know exactly what she's thinking. 

"This was a secret Cerberus facility," I note, well aware that we can't exactly trust that organization. Especially not now, not that they probably know we're here and with Jack.   
Jack scoffs. "Yeah, they build their equipment to last. Assholes." 

My gut is screaming at me that this is a Cerberus trap. My instincts know that something is wrong here, very wrong. There is almost always something wrong when the Illusive Man and Cerberus are involved. It's bad enough when usually they're threatening Shepard, but now it's Jack too. Two of the people who mean most to me in the universe. 

I can feel my heart start to skip, and I don't want to bail or screw this whole thing up. "EDI...tell me that this isn't a trap." 

Jack and Shepard both turn to look at me, but neither of them objects. 

"I had the same concern," EDI says, and it comes out like an absolute confession. EDI is supposed to work for Cerberus, not against them. "I reviewed several channels. I am confident that this is not a trap. I...I will not let that happen again." 

"EDI, that was not your fault in the first place," Shepard says firmly. "And if you say this isn't a trap, we trust you." 

"Right," I chime in quickly. I don't want EDI to think I asked for any reason other than I doubt Cerberus. It's about them, not EDI. 

"Thank you." 

Another chime, and EDI is gone. 

"It was a mistake coming back here," Jack mutters, looking out the window. Her foot is starting to bounce, she's white knuckling the seat. She looks ready to run. 

"Get a hold of yourself," Shepard said, just as firmly. She leans forward, searching for and finding Jack's gaze. "It'll be okay. You're not doing this on your own." 

Jack inhales sharply and then lets it out slow. She nods once, her back straightening. "I'm fine. Okay. Let's get on the ground." 

Shepard looks to me, and I nod. Jack will be okay. She's gonna go through hell in there today and she'll be even more traumatized than usual for a while, but she'll get through it. Jack has people who love her now. And I'm standing in her corner. I'm not failing anyone else.

The shuttle lands on the roof. It's pouring rain, dark, and the air is so thick it fogs the windows of the shuttle. I get out first, as soon as the shuttle doors open. I want to make sure there are no threats, but we're alone. The building is dark and dilapidated; that's a good sign. 

Shepard jumps out behind me, and she leans into my side. "She needs you," she whispers. 

I turn back and find Jack hesitating at the edge of the shuttle door. "Hey, freak," I call her. Jack blinks and looks down at me, first my eyes and the hand I'm offering her before looking back up at my eyes. "You do this, and then you move on. Let's go." 

"Yeah," she breathes softly, looking away. And then Jack comes back into herself, gives a nod, and sounds much more like herself when she growls, "I don't need help getting out of a shuttle, bird."   
She jumps down and punches me hard in the shoulder, then whips out her shotgun and joins Shepard to enter the building. Shepard is grinning, obviously pleased, and she gives me an approving nod before pulling out her pistol. That gun is damn sexy on her and even hotter in the rain. 

"Let's get in there and plant the bomb in my cell," Jack says, raising her voice so we can hear her over the storm. "I want to watch this place burn." 

"Works for me. Let's get in there." Shepard lets Jack lead us into the building, and I stay on Shepard's six, moving down a brief flight of stairs that takes us inside a door that was broken open at some point and remains open now. 

The facility is an absolute mess. It's overgrown outside, plants are coming up through the floors and creeping through the walls, and the lights are flickering. It's a miracle they're on at all. 

Everything is filthy, and the place looks like a warzone. Equipment has been broken and thrown around, walls and the floor have blood on them...

And Jack got out alive. A born survivor. 

The first room that we walk into is fairly nondescript. It's hard to tell exactly what this used to be. Ahead, one wall is covered in windows that looks into another room, and there's a long hallway. At one end of the room are a bunch of containers, some dented and broken. 

"I never saw this room, but I think they brought new kids here in those containers," Jack tells us. "They were messed up, but alive. Usually." 

Those are boxes. Storage containers. They brought kids here like storage. 

"This is unbelievable," I mutter. And the sooner we get out of here the better. 

At the end of the hall, a flight of stairs sends us down and into a room with vegetation that doesn't belong there. A log is still working, and I play it. Someone in a uniform that is familiar now as Cerberus Security pops up on the holodisplay. 

"The Illusive Man required operation logs again," he begins. "He's getting suspicious. When we get results, he won't care what we did. But if he knew..." The guy shakes his head. "He won't find out." 

The log cuts off there. And it's not what I was expecting. They were hiding something about this place from the Illusive Man. So how much did he know? How much is it even possible to hide from him? What did he allow?

"It sounds like this facility went rouge," I say, mostly thinking out loud. 

"I don't buy it. He didn't say what they were hiding from the Illusive Man." Jack is right. And any operation that lets something like happen is broken anyway. 

We follow Jack through a door and end up in what looks like a large central space. There are literal trees growing in the room, as well as pathways through and around the room. It seems like they intentionally kept things off the floor, thanks to this hellhole planet. 

"I remember escaping this room," Jack says, almost casually. "Fighting here. I saw sunlight through the cracks in the ceiling. Only a half-dead guard between me and freedom." She grins. "He was begging for his life." 

Shepard gives me a look, and all I can do is shrug. I have no idea what to say. No, Jack's responses aren't normal, they're responses of a traumatized kid, but...they are Jack. And I know Shepard feels the same way about it. The line between helping her and changing her feels hard to find. 

We move down into the center of the room, the lower level, and start to explore. But it's short-lived when halfway through the room, we stumble across a small group of Varren. We surprise them as much as they surprise us, and then they're all dead in a matter of seconds. 

"Thank God you got her the cat," Jack quips, already grinning at Shepard. "She doesn't try to take stray Varren home anymore." 

"Hey, you love my kitten and you know it," Shepard snaps playfully, pointing a gloved finger at Jack - and it's a very rude finger. 

They shove one another, fooling around, and it helps ease some of the pain of this place. We continue forward to the end of the room and find a bunch of barriers thrown around that look like they were formed into a circle at some point. In the middle, there are old bloodstains on the floor. 

"Oh, no." The words escape me even before my mind catches up and it clicks. 

"This...this looks like an arena," Shepard breathes, her voice as low and terrified as I feel and sound. It's an arena. 

Jack nods, confirming it. "That's right. They used to stage fights here, pit me against other kids." She moves into the center of the ring and my instincts scream at me to yank her back out of there, to protect her from something like that. "I loved it. Only time I was ever out of my cell." 

"What could they possibly have wanted to learn or study from this?" I demand. I stop fighting those instincts and pull Jack outside the barriers. It means nothing, I know that, but I don't care. She deserves someone to protect her. 

"Hell if I know," Jack answers casually, shrugging. "Maybe that's how they got their kicks. I never understood anything that happened here." It doesn't phase her as much, and I look to Shepard to see if I've lost my mind, but she has a hand on her stomach. I can tell she's pale too, and I know she hates this.

"How often did they do this?" Shepard manages, clearing her throat. 

Again, Jack shrugs. She's so fucking casual about this, it's driving me while. "I was in a cell my whole life. Sometimes they took me out and made me fight. Filled me with drugs. Other stuff. Time gets funny in a cell." 

"Yeah," she murmurs, actually laughing a little. "I remember that, too." 

"What the fuck is there to laugh about?" I don't realize that I raised my voice about it until they both startle and gawk up at me. Shit. "I...look, not here, okay? I get you both have dealt with your trauma but I...I can't listen to it here. And especially not from both of you. Please." 

"Hey, easy big guy," Shepard breathes, pressing her hand to my chest and stepping closer. "Alright, no more joking about it. Promise." 

"God, Big Bird, grow a quad," Jack quips, rolling her eyes. She turns away from me, though, and I know Jack well enough to know her signs. Jack feels bad for making me upset, so she can't look at me. And I make us both feel better by kicking her in the shin hard enough that I'm sure she feels it through her armor. 

Shepard catches my gaze and waits. She wants me to let her know I'm okay, and I take a breath to make sure I really am before nodding. Shepard grins and returns the nod, then returns the kick to my shin to support Jack. 

We turn back to the work at hand, and it's hard to ignore all the blood on the floor. Especially while Jack is scraping a piece out of one stain with her boot. "Jack, did other kids die in these fights?" Shepard asks. 

"I was a kid, filled with drugs. I got shocked when I hesitated, they flooded me with narcotics when I was attacked." 

That explains a lot. "They were conditioning you for violence." 

Jack nods at me. "I still get warm feelings during a fight." She's not smiling now. I don't think she's as casual about this. Her life was over before it ever started. 

Shepard spits, "What the hell was wrong with these people?" 

"I don't know. Does it matter now?"

Jack is right, and I nod. Shepard agrees and says, "Let's keep moving. Sooner we're done with this place, the better we'll all feel." 

We proceed through the door at the end of the room, dreaming the horrors that might be awaiting us. It's raining in this hallway, and we have to climb around and over debris. The hall only gives us one direction and we take it, finding another console. This time, it gives us a full-body holodisplay of a Cerberus Security Officer. 

"Security Officer Zemkl, Teltin Facility," the guy begins. He's breathing rapidly and his voice is raised. "The subjects are out of their cells! They're tearing the place up! Zero's going to get loose. I need permission to terminate. I repeat, permission to terminate." 

A different security officer pops up, evidently in charge. "All subjects beside Zero are expendable. Keep Jack alive!" 

"Understood," the first responds. "I'll begin the - " 

Jack smacks the console, much harder than she needs to, and turns off the log. "That's not right!" she shouts. "I broke out when my guards disappeared. I started that riot." 

"Things might have happened that you didn't see," Shepard notes.

"The other kids attacked me. The guards attacked me. The automated systems attacked me. That doesn't leave lots of room for interpretation." 

I start to open my mouth but hesitate, unsure if this is worth it. What does pushing her to see another angle get? Is it important, does it matter? Shepard catches my eye and I see her mind turning over the same thoughts. We nod at each other simultaneously, and I thank the spirits for the millionth time that we're always on the same page. 

In this case, it benefits Jack, too. We can agree that it's not important for Jack to get anything from here except closure, and that's not going to come by dissecting that day. Jack is our only agenda today. She needs to move on. 

I know the feeling. 

We continue through the building, through a door and down a set of stairs. Halfway down is a landing, a Varren, and a door. A dead Varren, and it was killed recently. So much that the blood under it is still wet. 

"This place is supposed to be empty. Who the fuck shot that Varren?" Jack demands, apparently also on my page today. "It's a fresh kill." 

"We'll figure it out," Shepard says. She's more concerned than she's letting on, but the Varren isn't giving us answers, so I follow her through the door to our left. It opens into a stairwell down, and the door in the bottom leads us into a large room. There are a few crates around but not much else. 

And then I catch movement. I see the insignia a second before the first bullet comes flying. "Blood Pack," I warn as we all dive for cover. 

"What the fuck?" Shepard and Jack ask at the same time. I have no answers, but I do have guns, and we start taking out the Vorcha. It doesn't take long; Vorcha are too impulsive and reckless for a well-trained and methodical team to need long to take them out. Thank God we don't have a team full of Jacks, Grunts, or Zaeeds. 

When they're cleared out, Jack draws our attention to an old sign on the wall. This is a morgue. For all the sense that makes. 

"This was a small facility," Shepard mutters. "Why did they need a morgue?" 

Just thinking about it makes me angrier than I already was. "Because some sick son of a bitch killed a lot of kids with these experiments. And then checked his work." 

"Yeah, well," Jack growls. "I had the worst of it, and I made it out alive." 

"Too much of a psycho to die," I tell her, shoving her away from me by her face. She smirks, but she doesn't laugh. She should have laughed. This place is weighing on her. "We need to get out of here." 

Shepard agrees and orders us to push forward, so we proceed. I can feel Shepard's stress, I can tell that she's crawling out of her skin more and more by the minute. But I can't focus on her because beyond the literal bomb we're carrying, Jack is ticking and her fuse is short. 

When she starts punching walls randomly, I get annoyed. When she puts her fist through one, I reach my limit and grab her arm. "Stop," I tell her firmly, not playing this time. "Stop it and talk to me or I will drag you right back to that shuttle. You cannot keep going like this." 

"Let go," she snaps, scowling and yanking her arm away. I let her go but I don't move. Shepard takes a step back and looks away, trying to give us some space without calling it out, but Jack notices and says, "No, don't, it's..." 

"Jack." She looks up at me, eyes blazing but it's not anger. I know her anger, and this is not her anger. 

She deflates, shoulders falling. "It's weird being back here. I feel like...I'm pissed off. I'm a dangerous bitch. But then I'm a little girl again. Shit, it's complicated. Let's just go plant that bomb."   
I can see the 'please' in her eyes, but I don't need it. I'd do anything for Jack. Including walk her into hell and plant this bomb. 

We keep at it, continuing through a facility, but halfway down another flight of steps, a Blood Pack Trooper pops out to start shooting at us. I'm leading at the moment and it's for the best since I needed someone to shoot right then. I'm almost sad the little fucker only takes one bullet. 

"Nice," Jack praises, smiling a little more genuinely now. 

We reach a set of doors that leads into a hallway, rooms on either side. Cells. There are a lot of them. Each room has a bunk bed or a small cot, a toilet, a sink, and some have a desk. After wiping out the Varren in the hallways, we explore some of the rooms. But only because Jack wants to. This is the very last thing I want to be doing. 

Shepard takes my hand. I can tell she's squeezing even though our armor. I feel it, even if not in my hand. 

"I hate this," I whisper, letting Jack go a room ahead of us. "When I see this, I understand why you feel the need to take in strays all over the universe. How do we...I want to make this stop." 

"It did stop," Shepard presses. "Not in the way it should have, but it did stop. It's over. We have to be able to leave our pasts behind." 

And now I wish she wasn't holding my hand. "This isn't about me. Dont - " 

"Isn't it?" She looks up at me, and then walks away. Instantly I want her holding my hand again. Damn her. 

I shake my head and focus because this is not about me, and follow Jack's lead through the doors at the end of the hall. It opens onto an elevated platform which moves around the edge of the room, and in the center of the room a tree is growing. A literal tree. This planet is the worst. 

Jack walks away from us, toward the wall at the end of the room that is one long mirror. She cocks her head at it. "This...it's a two-way mirror? My cell is on the other side. I could see all the kids out here. I screamed at them for hours, and they always ignored me."

She shakes it off and leads us the rest of the way around the room, through a door. It leads into what promises to be my least favorite room so far. There are exam tables, and that definitely cannot be good. Bad people suck, bad doctors...yikes. 

"I must have come through here when I broke out, but I don't remember it," Jack notes, looking around. 

"Probably for the best," Shepard replies. "This is a bad place." 

I head for the console and start playing it. This time, it's a bald guy who is wearing a uniform I've seen on other Cerberus scientists. 

"Scientist Entry T054, Teltin facility." He sounds bored. "The latest iteration of PergNim went poorly. Subjects One, Four, and Six died. No biotic change among the survivors. We lowered core temperatures of surviving subjects, but no biotically beneficial reactions occurred. As a side effect, all subjects died. So, we'll not try that on Zero." He sighs deeply, and then I realize he's exhausted more than bored. I hope our supply of biotic-potential subjects holds up. We are going through them fast." 

"This is bullshit!" Jack shouts. "They weren't experimenting on the other children for my safety!" 

"Jack, you cannot help what they did to anyone else," Shepard tells her. 

"No, you don't get it, Shepard," Jack protests, shaking her head. "I survived this place because I was tougher than the rest. That's who I am." 

Shepard takes Jack by the shoulders and turns the tiny biotic around to face her, looking her right in the eye. "Find strength in it," she says, almost like it's an order even though the Commander mask is down. "You move on, harder and tougher." 

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." Jack nods, pulling it together. She looks at me and frowns. "You look like you're gonna throw up." 

"I'm not," I scoff. "But I don't know how to take calling a child's death a side effect. That's...I can't take that." 

Jack smirks now. "It's worse for you guys now because you want babies. You have mommy and daddy brain for everything involving kids, you always will. Changes everything." She barks out a humorless laugh and adds, "Unless you work for Cerberus, apparently." 

I know immediately she's right. Shepard and I have to have a conversation about when we're going to start trying to have a baby, I know we've both had baby on our brains for a while now, and being in a place where kids suffered and were tortured...it all feels a little more real. Jack is right. When you want to be parents, things with kids change. I wasn't ready for this change.   
Daddy brain. I guess time will tell if that's a good thing or not. 

Shepard recovers before I do and walks to the other security console. She hacks in like a pro, at least that makes me smile, and starts the log. The same bald scientist returns. He's in a panic. 

"It's all fallen to pieces," the scientist says. "The subjects are rampaging, and Zero is loose. We're shutting Teltin down. What a disaster. We'll infiltrate and piggyback onto the Alliance's Ascension program. Hopefully that will..." The scientist looks off screen, frowning, and calls, "Who are..." 

We watch absolute terror come over his face, and I know before he says anything else what's happening off screen. 

"Zero!" he screams. "Wait!" There's a flash, and then the log goes dark. He's dead, and we can see the blood stain on the wall behind the console. That's where Jack - Zero - killed him. 

"Shepard, they started up somewhere else!" Jack shouts, grabbing Shepard by the arm. She doesn't care about the scientist, but she's scared for other kids like her. 

"No, Jack," Shepard breathes, taking Jack's hand. "Ascension is an Alliance program, it's a school for biotic kids. I know people who have come from it and worked with them. It's a good program, it's not this." 

Jack nods but inhales sharply, still shakes. She walks away from us a little. "A lot of this...isn't the way I remember it." 

"There was a lot going on." 

"And you were a kid," I chime in.

"I was dumb," Jack retorts. "I keep my eyes open now, and I always shoot first." I open my mouth, and I hear Shepard start to speak, but Jack throws her hand up to silence us. "Yeah, yeah, mushy blah blah I know. We're getting close to my cell. The place I came from. Let's keep going." 

We let it go, follow her lead, and push through the building. We end up in another warehouse space, this one with Blood Pack Vorcha and Krogan who are not hiding. They're spread around the room on two levels and heavily armed, so they have several advantages. I don't like it. 

"Let's get in there and blow 'em all out," Jack growls. 

"Let's not," I counter. "We're way out numbered. Is there another way in? Another way to your cell." 

Jack scoffs. "Pussy." 

"I don't want - " 

"Stop it," Shepard cuts in. "They've already seen us, and they aren't shooting. Let's go in there prepared but calm and work our way through. Understood?"

"Aye, Commander," I answer quickly, instinctively. 

"A grenade would be faster, but fine," Jack allows. It's the closest to an affirmation as anyone can expect from Jack. 

We walk into the room, my finger on the trigger of my rifle, and I'm close on Shepard's six. My rightful place. At the far end of the room is an impressively large and well armored Krogan, talking on a comm. We can only hear his side, but he's not trying to keep that private. 

"Hey, Aresh, it's Kureck. Yeah, the intruders are here. You want them dead, we have to talk creds. You promised us lots of salvage, but this place is a waste." He pauses in his pacing, staring down at us. "Fine, we'll put 'em down. And then I'm coming in there, and we're going to talk salvage." 

He ends the call and Shepard motions around. "What are you doing here?"

"First, we're going to kill you. Then, we'll see." 

Okay, no negotiations with this one. He makes the first shot, effectively giving me the permission I'd need from Shepard to fire, and we all take cover. There are a lot of them, and with the upper level plus two open rooms on either side of us, the Blood Pack has clear advantages. It makes the first hard, but not impossible. 

I'm starting to see a shift in the tide when the Krogan, Kureck, makes a move. He's closing in on Shepard, and her attention is drawn elsewhere. He raises his shotgun, and my heart nearly seizes. 

I do the only thing I can think of and lift a crate, launching it across the room and right into the Krogan. He stumbles back and before he can recover, I launch myself into him. We get into it, hand to hand, brutal and fast. He's a Krogan and fast for a Krogan so Kureck gets in several good hits, one square on the injured side of my face that has me seeing stars. 

But I'm a Turian, I'm faster, and I have the added motivation of knowing that he could kill Shepard and Jack if I don't win this fight. And this son of a bitch had a shotgun aimed at my girl. I am not going down here. 

I feel the Krogan's face crunch under a punch, and then I throw my head into his, and Krogan goes down hard. Out cold. I unload a bullet in his face to make sure his regeneration days are over, and he stays out. Part of me wants to unload an entire clip, to rage out and destroy him. But one bullet is enough, and I turn back to the battle. 

Of course, Shepard and Jack have wrapped up the rest of the battle already. Works for me. 

"Damn, Garrus!" Jack cheers, throwing her hands up in victory. "That was badass!" 

I don't have a chance to react to that before Shepard storms over and smacks me right across the face. At least it's the uninjured side of my face but damn. "You don't do reckless shit like that anymore," she snaps, pointing her finger in my face. "You...do not." 

And then before I can react to that, Shepard yanks me down by the carapace and kisses me - hard. My head spins even more than it did from the Krogan's punch, and then she's gone before I can return the kiss. 

"That was badass," she murmurs. "And insanely sexy. Do it again, and I'll kill you." 

"I have no idea what's going on and whether I'm in trouble or not," I admit, shaking my head. "And my whole face hurts." 

Shepard and Jack laugh, both of them rolling their eyes at me. All I can do is laugh with them and hold my jaw, hoping the thing doesn't take any more damage today. We all have to sober quickly, though, because we're not done. 

"Only room left is my old cell," Jack tells us. "Whoever Aresh is, he's in there. I want to plant the bomb in there anyway. Might as well do it on his corpse." 

Hard to argue, so we head in that direction. The room is empty when we first walk in, and I scan quickly. He's hiding behind a cabinet, and I motion toward it with the scope of my rifle. 

Shepard nods and calls, "Come out. We know you're in here." 

A tall, thin human comes out from behind the cabinet. He has his hands up but he doesn't look terrified. You'd expect a guy staring at three guns to be terrified. This one actually smiles. 

"Who the hell are you?" Jack demands. 

"My name is Aresh, and you're breaking into my home," he says calmly. And then he grins at Jack. "I know you, Subject Zero. So many years have passed, and I thought I was the only survivor." 

"Her name is Jack." It comes out in more a growl than I actually intend. 

"And how the hell do you know her?" Shepard demands, practically growling herself. 

Aresh continues talking directly to Jack. "We all knew your face, Jack. They inflicted horrors on us so their experiment wouldn't kill you. You were the question, and I'm still looking for the answer." 

"Why did you come back here?" Shepard asks. 

"I hired these mercs and came back almost a solar year ago," Aresh informs us. "We're rebuilding it, piece by piece. I'm going to find out what they knew - how to unlock true biotic potential in humans. I'm restarting the Teltin facility." 

He turns away, staring at a damaged and dirty wall like he's seeing something truly grand instead of a dilapidated facility. "It will be...beautiful." 

"I wanted a hole in the ground, he's trying to justify what happened by using it!" Jack snaps, stepping forward to bring her pistol even closer to him. Aresh doesn't seem intimidated; clearly there is something wrong with him. But really this lack of reaction seems like the least of our concerns.

"You would do the same thing to new kids?" I demand. "Wasn't this forced on you?"

"Some were bought from poor families on Earth or kidnapped from colonies," Aresh tells us. "Most ended up here the way I did: Batarian pirates. They did such horrible things to us. They must have had good reasons."

"There's no reason good enough," I snap.

Jack throws her other arm - the one not aiming a gun at Aresh - up. "Are you nuts? You lived it!" 

Shepard holds up a hand, trying to calm both of us. It's a testament to the strength of her leadership that we both settle down. At least a little anyway. "This place was like a prison. How did you get out?"

"We all attacked at once as they were taking us to the lab." I glance quickly at Jack to make sure she doesn't freak at that; it's not what she thought happened. "They would have put us down, but then Jack got loose. When I came to, it was over - the guards, the scientists, and the kids were all dead." He looks at Jack. "And you were gone." 

"I stopped it, all of it," Jack retorts. "Maybe the other kids did have it bad, but what you're doing is just messed." 

"Everything we went through must have been worth something!" he screeches. The moment he starts talking at that pitch, he's got my rifle on him, too. I'm not gonna wait for a guy this unstable to lose it. 

"Jack..." Shepard shakes her head. "Jack, we can blow the place up, but that still leaves him. What do we do with another you?"

"Just leave me here," Aresh groans, throwing up his hands. "This is where I belong." 

"Fuck that!" Jack makes her move in an instant, blasting him with her biotics. It brings Aresh hard to his knees and keeps him frozen there. Jack then moves behind him, leveling her pistol at the back of his head.

And I want her to shoot. He deserves it, she deserves revenge. I want her to fire the gun and remove the question and...even as I think it, I know that's wrong. 

"Jack, he's trapped in his past," Shepard breathes, her voice in that low tone she uses when she's trying to calm me down. "You need to move on from yours." 

"He wants to restart this place. He needs to die!" 

Shepard shakes her head. "He's crazy, Jack, and he's never going to restart this facility. You have to let it go. Your past doesn't have to control you." 

I can just about feel her talking to me, even though she's not looking at me. I know she's thinking about me, I just know it. And I know she's right. Damn, I hate that. 

But she's right. And Jack is suffering. 

I step closer to her and let her see me lower my rifle. "I get it, Jack. I've...been here. I thought I had to do this, blow up my past to get away from it. But..." 

I really wish I didn't have to say this in front of Shepard. It's my pride speaking, I know that, but I'm a weak man. 

"You know who I went hunting down," I tell Jack. "But now I know if I'd killed Sidonis, it would have fucked me up. I would have ended up like this guy." I point at Aresh and let him see my distaste. "This guys has been owned by his past. We don't have to be like that. Jack...don't end up like this." 

She scowls at me but hesitates, her hand shaking on the pistol. We wait, trusting her. Making it her choice. Maybe Shepard learned something from the whole Sidonis fiasco, too. 

"Fuck!" Jack shouts. She lowers her pistol and releases him from the biotic hold. Aresh falls forward, catching himself on his hands. "Get out of here! Go!" 

Aresh doesn't ask questions. He leaps to his feet and runs out of the room as fast as he can. 

"He's not worth chasing," Jack growls at his back. "None of it is." 

I clap my hand on her shoulder. "Let's plant our bomb and get out of here." 

Jack nods and takes a breath. "Yeah, I...can I get a minute? I wanna...look around I guess." 

She's obviously uncomfortable in the space, but I get it. She's here for closure, and she wants to get more of it. It's not a big ask for us either. We'd do more for Jack than just wait around while she looks at a small room. 

"We'll give you some space," Shepard offers. She catches my eye and motions me out of the door. Jack nods, so I feel confident following Shepard into the hall. 

"This place sucks," I groan, leaning heavily against one of the walls - after checking to make sure I won't lean against a blood stain. Shepard comes up in front of me, her hands moving to my hips. There's something heavy behind her eyes, and I think it's being in a place where kids were held captive, until she dodges my gaze. "Hey." I cup her chin and pull her to look up at me. "What's wrong?"

"I...didn't actually believe you," she says with a wince. "I thought you said that you forgave me and you wanted to forgive me but...you didn't really. Until you told Jack that you got why I stopped you." 

I laugh, especially because she looks so guilty about it. "I'm not great at forgiveness, so that's pretty fair. Between Vido Santiago and Aresh...I've seen enough of what it's like to be taken over by the past and revenge." I turn and plant my hands at either side of her head. "You saved me. Again." 

She grins, her cheeks lighting up in the perfect pink shade. "And you love me." 

"Oh, I really do." I lean down and capture her lips briefly, pulling away only because I hear Jack coming but lingering long enough to whisper, "I can't wait to get you naked later."

Jack doesn't hear Shepard's little whimper, and she looks much more put together now. "I'm good. Let's do it." 

I nod and leave Shepard in the hall so she doesn't have to participate in this part of it. She can have plausible deniability about the bomb this way, blame it on the rogue Turian vigilante and the biotic wild card. The Illusive Man probably doesn't need reason to hate us anyway. 

Shepard doesn't ask questions when we come back out, and she lets Jack lead us to the shuttle. The pilot knows to let us know when we're at a safe distance, but Jack is antsy the moment we get into our seats, flipping the bomb trigger open and close over and over and over. 

Jack looks up, and I see the decision in her mind the moment she makes it. I grab Shepard and yank her into my chest at the exact same time Jack presses the button. The force of the bomb rocks the shuttle violently and I hold steady to absorb the blow instead of having Shepard end up on the floor. 

"Damn it, Jack," I mutter when the pilot gets us steady again. She just shrugs and looks out the window. I recognize the set of her shoulders; she doesn't want to talk anymore, doesn't want to debrief. She's done. I can accept that, and I can definitely understand it. I threw a fit for a week so...

Jack disappears right back down to engineering when we get back to the ship. Shepard pauses with her hand over the panel to choose a floor, asking silently where I want her to go. I answer by pulling her into my arms instead, and Shepard comes willingly, melting against me even in her armor. Of course, I also start unclipping the locks on her armor immediately, instantly desperate to touch her. 

"Remember when you told me you wanted to get completely naked and ride me while I wear my armor?" She moans, knees going weak. "Well, I'm sorry, but you can't have that." Shepard tenses with confusion, and I lift her with her legs around my waist as soon as the doors open. "You're gonna have to ride me with that ring on." 

Shepard squeals, the sound pure joy, and she kisses me hard. It makes my heart skip even as my dick leaps to life. As soon as we get in, we're both in a rush to get her naked. I've become an expert in getting her armor off in a hurry, but I love that Shepard is rushing just as much. It means a lot that she wants me just as much when I spent a year chasing her around. Those days are over, and now Shepard is practically tackling me to the couch. 

"Fuck, baby," I growl, shifting one leg up on the couch for both of us to have some leverage. "Eager?"

She grins and crawls between my legs, keeping eye contact while bringing her mouth down to my cock. Her pink tongue swirls around the head, standing in sharp contrast to the blue of my shaft. Her red locks fall forward, draping down over part of her face, and I brush it back so I can get a good look at her. She is somehow even more beautiful than usual with my dick in her mouth. 

Shepard releases me with a lovely little pop and crawls over my body, grabbing my cock and hovering over me. We both moan when she brushes me against her folds, soft and hot and wet. I rock against her and she moans, body trembling. I take hold of her hips in my armored hands, simultaneously wishing I could feel her skin and loving how fragile she feels in my hands right now. We move together, our bodies meeting, and Shepard plants her hands on my chest for leverage to rock and grind against me. 

Her eyes track all over me and she smirks. "I love how strong you look," she murmurs, breaths coming hard and heavy. "You've turned me on in your armor for years. Always wanted this."

"You waited too long to ask," I tell her, rocking up into her. "You can have anything you want from me. Anything." 

Shepard groans, dropping her chin to her chest, and shifts her hands on my chest. We both hear the clink of her ring hitting the metal of my armor, and her head pops up. She smiles at the ring and then meets my gaze, her eyes blazing. "You were right. This is even better with the ring on." 

She doesn't hold back, fucking me hard so that her ass bounces with a perfect smack off my armor. I thrust up into her and watch the orgasm overcome her, Shepard's cheeks and chest glowing before her head drops back and she cries out my name, my most favorite way to hear that word. Before she comes down, I shift forward and bring her down onto the couch. Her knees meet her shoulders and I lean over her, letting go of my own control and pounding into her until the room spins around me and stars explode. 

I ease back, letting her legs down, but Shepard is on me in a flash. "I'm not done." And then she tackles me right to the floor. I have no complaints, especially not when she sinks down on my cock again. She rides me hard, hips rocking and her breasts bouncing and oh Spirits. I give her control and she relishes it, taking pieces off my armor slowly, keeping me from feeling her the way I want to and driving me wild. She makes me cum and then rides my face and I never, ever want to let her go. 

Shepard collapses onto the floor beside me, both of us panting and the cool air in the room actually feeling good instead of freezing my cold blooded ass. "That was exactly how I wanted that to go," she breathes, stretching her arms out over her head. 

"I'm so glad. Worth it...but I cannot lay on this floor for another second," I laugh, sitting up and hitting the armor piece I had to use as a pillow away resentfully. 

"Sorry," she offers, sitting up on her elbows. "I didn't think about your carapace when I got you down there." 

I shrug and smirk. "I don't think about your knees when I put you on them in the shower, so we're even." 

Shepard laughs and throws a pillow from the couch at my face. "A shower actually sounds really good. This was a day." 

"Spirits, a disaster," I agree. "But Jack got what she needed from it in the end. I think." 

"Yeah. I think she did. And you gave me what I needed so..." 

This time the pillow gets launched at her, but I don't waste more time on the floor. This beautiful woman just offered me a shower with her, and I'm not ever going to say no to that. Today was hell, and I plan to spend a lot of time breaking it down with Jack later, but for now I need time with Shepard. We spent a week apart, and whether or not breaking up was on the table, things felt really fragile. I need to reconnect with her. 

I'm going to marry this woman, I'm going to bond with her, and I'm going to be with her for the rest of our lives. But I'm never going to take that for granted. I'll make sure Shepard knows exactly how much she means to me and how much I care. 

I've screwed up everything my whole life. But not this. This is too important. I'll do my best to deserve her.


	40. Priorities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter drop a day early as my Christmas present to all of you. Thank you for playing a huge part in making this year liveable.

Morning comes too soon when I wake up to Joker yelling my name over the comms. I wanted to wake up the same way I fell asleep, Garrus inside me, but instead we're both startled from sleep by the pilot. "Commander! Oh, for fuck's sake, Garrus, get out of her - " 

"Finish that sentence, and I'll shove something in yours, Joker," Garrus growls in response. 

At least laughing helps me not want to kill Joker quite as much. I still roll my eyes at Garrus, though. He really is trouble. 

"What's wrong, Joker? Better be good." I ask him, sitting up. I stretch with my arms over my head. Garrus leans up behind me, running his tongue up my elongated spine. I have to bite my lip to stifle my moan while Joker is listening. 

"Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a...disagreement," Joker tells me, hesitating on that last word. And that tells me he's trying to hide something. "Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"

"Shit. Yeah, I'm on it, Joker." 

I don't need Jack killing Miranda on a Cerberus ship. I'm almost positive it would start problems. And if Miranda attacks Jack, I won't have it in me to tell Jack not to kill her. Besides, crew members in physical battles is not good for missions. And on a mission like this, we can't afford anything driving us apart. 

"I'm gonna go deal with this," I tell Garrus, climbing out of bed and heading for the closet. "Let me guess. You're gonna go play with your big canon?"

"You wonder why I feel sexually about that gun when you talk about it like that," he quips. I laugh and turn to roll my eyes at him while pulling on my sweats. It surprises me that he's not getting out of bed and even more when he puts his arms behind his head like he's not going anywhere. 

"Sleeping in?" I tease him. "That's not very Turian of you." 

"Maybe not," he allows with a shrug. "But I'm very newly engaged and have not spanked my fiance. So I'm gonna stay right here, wait for you to come back, and then..." He laughs. "A big canon pun is too easy even for me." 

"Jack and Miranda better get their shit together real quick," I snap, yanking my shirt on and already heading for the door. "Can't wait, big guy." 

"You say that now...but I'm gonna make you choose what I spank you with," he calls. I nearly trip up the stairs but I manage to catch myself on the wall. I can hear Garrus chuckling from behind me but can't look at him right now. Holy crap. My fiance makes the best threats. 

I'm forced to shake it all off, get in the elevator, and head down to Miranda's office. It's not like I have a choice at the moment. Commander Shepard has a job to do. 

Commander Shepard needs a very long honeymoon when the universe is safe and I don't have a team to worry about. 

I brace myself before walking through the doors to Miranda's office, but I'm still not prepared for the chair that goes flying right past my face and crashes into the opposite wall. "Touch me, and I will smear the walls with you, bitch!" Jack screams. 

"Enough!" I shout, moving far enough into the room that if either of them throws something, they'll hit me. And I dare them to try it. "Stand down, both of you." 

"The cheerleader won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!" Jack snaps, pointing at Miranda. 

Miranda just scoffs. "It wasn’t Cerberus. Not really. But clearly, you were a mistake." 

Yikes. If I'd brought Garrus down here, Miranda would be halfway through that wall. Jack has a similar reaction in defense of herself and rushes across the room to get right up in Miranda's face. "Screw you! You've got no idea what they put me through! Maybe it's time I showed you." 

I get between them and make eye contact with Jack. She makes a soft growling sound but takes a step backward. Yeah, I still got it. 

"You two need to knock your personal shit off right now," I tell them. "Our mission is too important to let personal feelings get in the way. We've all had personal shit lately, and what you do in private is your business. Cry, break anything that isn't vital to the operation of the ship. But I will not tolerate my crew putting the mission in jeopardy because of a grudge." 

"Fuck your feelings," Jack snarls. "I just want her dead." 

"You both know what we're up against," I press. "Save your anger for the Collectors. And if you have some left over after, you can kill each other all you want." 

Miranda smirks and steps forward, moving toward Jack slowly. "I can put aside my differences...until the mission is over." 

"Sure," Jack responds with a laugh. "I'll do my part. I'd hate to see her die before I get a chance to filet her myself." 

Jack starts out of the room, and I throw my arm out to block her. "You two gonna be okay?" I look between them, waiting and half expecting Jack to shove my arm aside. 

"I'm gonna kick the crap outta the Krogan. I'll be fine," she tells me. I nod and drop my arm, letting her out of the room. It's a healthy way of dealing with her problems. Well, healthy by Jack standards anyway.

As soon as the doors close, I can feel the stress drop off Miranda like a physical weight. Of course, she just puts on a cocky smile and heads for her desk, but I can tell she's shaken. She was afraid of Jack, and she probably should be. "It's a good thing you came by when you did. As long as she does her job, we'll be fine. Thanks. Shepard." 

"Miranda, don't touch the keyboard. We need to talk." She hesitates but looks up at me and waits. "First of all, Jack always does her job. And even if she didn't, that is none of your business. Your job, however, involves working for a terrorist organization that condoned the torture and murder of innocent children at some level, at any level. You should be ashamed of doing your job, Miranda." 

"Commander, I - " 

"Don't," I snap, much more worked up than I intended to be when I walked in here or even when I started talking. Jack wasn't kidding about this being a sore spot. "I'm going to look into it, Miranda, and if I find out that you were personally involved in anything to do with that project, I will force the Illusive Man to get you the hell off this mission and my ship. I have tried with you, Miranda, we all have, but I have limits." 

Miranda opens her mouth, waits a minute to make sure I'm not doing to hush her, and then lowers her head. "There is no connection between me and what happened on Pragia. I didn't work with Cerberus then, and I wouldn't have participated." 

"And calling Jack a mistake crossed about a hundred lines," I press, crossing my arms and cocking my hip. 

"Jack was not innocent," Miranda snaps, losing her cool, as rare as that is. "I understand that you need to appease her because she's - " 

"No, that is not what this is. I am not appeasing Jack, and I'm not about to make you feel better for the sake of it." I take a breath, trying to at least not scream at her. "Jack earned her spot on this team, and I will not punish her for the trauma Cerberus caused. Be an adult, Miranda. Be the bigger person, however you need to convince yourself, I don't care, but grow up. Get on board or fuck off." 

I turn around and leave, way too worked up to stay in that room. I can't believe Miranda said that shit to Jack. And I'm pissed at Jack, too! She knows damn well how powerful she is, the damage that she could have done to the Normandy by attacking Miranda; I'm sure she remembers what happened to Purgatory, and that was a whole station. I've had my share of personal issues while on this mission, but I've gotten my job done. Garrus, too. Hell, almost every person on this ship has asked me to help them deal with a personal favor, and I do it for them and for the mission. 

But this bullshit with Miranda and Jack threatens our mission against the Collectors. And I am unbelievably pissed off that they have the nerve to threaten something so important. The next person throwing chairs biotically will be me, and that's an even bigger issue than Jack doing it. My temper is surging, and my biotics want to follow it. I need to beat something or...

Or get beat. 

I rush for the elevator and smack the panel to choose our quarters over and over until it finally starts moving. I only feel worse, more anxious and more on edge by the time the doors open. I'm ready to explode in all the bad ways, and I need someone who is an expert at it to funnel these feelings out of me safely. Otherwise, I will destroy something or someone on my own ship. 

Garrus is standing at the end of the bed when I walk in, cuddling Monster and wearing absolutely nothing. The sight of him, gorgeous, only gets me going more - even though that seems impossible. 

"That was..." Garrus's face falls when he looks up at me. "What's wrong?" 

"I need you. I need you right now." 

Garrus puts the kitten down and turns to face me, holding out his hands. "I'm yours. What do you need?"

It's a loaded question. Probably more than he realizes. And I don't know how to answer it when it feels like I might just explode. Sparks are leaping between my fingers, my hands are shaking, and I can feel my face getting hot. 

And Garrus smiles. "I have you. Come here." 

My body moves without my brain giving the command, my instincts completely in control and attuned to what he wants from me. Or maybe it's what I want since Garrus somehow always seems to know. And right now is clearly not the exception.

As soon as I'm in reach, Garrus yanks me up against his chest. His free hand comes up to my throat, our momentums combining so that I hit his palm harder than usual. He squeezes harder than usual too, and nothing inside me wants to resist it. I fall against him instead, compliant and ready. Stress starts sloughing off of me in waves instantly. 

"That's my girl," he purrs. "You need a release, huh? Go to the closet and get my belt." 

His...belt? That's a lot heavier, a lot harder than his hand. And right now, it sounds perfect. 

I hurry to the closet and do as he asks, retrieving his thick black leather belt. I hurry back to him as well and hand it over, placing the belt in his outstretched palm. Garrus accepts it and nods, still grinning at me. And it's that dangerous, deadly grin that gets my heart racing. He's unbearably sexy; now I'm panting along with all the anxiety. 

"I need you very naked, right now," he says, surprisingly almost a request. And then I hesitate so he snaps, "Now!" Not so much a request anymore. 

I obey him, whipping my shirt off and tossing it aside. I start to shove my pants down just as quickly, desperate for whatever he'll give me and anything that will get him closer to me. But I slow down as much as I can when I feel his eyes on me, those impossibly blue gems trailing my chest and waist, lingering on my hips like a man starving. 

Monster meows, and Garrus turns to give the kitten a look. "Hey. Didn't we just have a talk about you cock blocking me? What did we say about Aunt Tali when I need to get laid?" 

I almost laugh, but then the kitten gets himself down from the bed, trots his fuzzy ass out the door, and heads for the elevator. I have no doubt he's heading for Tali, too. Between Garrus's ability to influence things and EDI able to help control the elevator and doors for the creature, Monster is almost definitely going to see his 'Aunt Tali.' 

"You're really not going to enjoy this belt if you don't finish taking your clothes off right now," Garrus growls at me, snapping me back from reality out of my awe for his ability to train our cat. I didn't think cats were trainable, and definitely not by species that don't have cats or pets at all. But Garrus definitely has me trained, and my clothes are falling to the floor as quickly as I can get them off. 

"Sorry," I offer.

He laughs and shakes his head. "Please never say that when you just got naked for me. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. This," he motions to my whole body, "means you never need to apologize." 

"Oh, my God, you're so ridiculous," I laugh, pushing his hand away playfully. Garrus catches my wrist and pulls me closer, no longer smiling. The look in his eye makes my mouth go dry. I'm in trouble. 

"Bend over the bed, head down and forearms flat," he orders, voice soft and a growl building in this throat. He's managing to keep his eyes on mine, though. I love that I can tell how much effort it's taking. He seems totally in control, but he still wants me unreasonably. Wildly. 

I obey him, quickly and without question. It feels natural. But the moment I'm in position, I remember that Garrus is not bare handed. He's not just spanking me; he going to use a belt on my ass. A thick, heavy, leather belt. And it's gonna hurt. Probably a lot. Oh shit. 

My heart starts racing. It's worse because Garrus is silent behind me. I can't tell if he's moving, I don't know if he's preparing, I don't even know where he is. It could come at any moment, and it's going to hurt like hell, and I can barely breathe with the anxiety seizing me like a fist around my heart. 

His hand, strong and heavy, lands on my back. "You have to breathe, Shepard. This isn't that sort of scene." 

Laughing helps, forcing me to breathe a little, but it ends up turning into heavy panting. My head is spinning, and I'm gripping the sheets for purchase. He hasn't even started yet, and I'm a mess. It's not just what's happening, I know, but also because of how I felt before I got up here. I've been worked up all day. The last time we had sex, I was in control. I haven't...I need him. 

I need him to control me, dominate me, take me. 

"Garrus, please." 

His response is to snap the belt, making the leather crack. The sound surges through my veins like an electrical charge, and arousal sparks deep in my core. I want this. God, I want it so badly. 

"You're getting this because you need it," he tells me, voice steady and firm. Just like he always is. Exactly what I needed after the chaos of walking through Jack's hell and learning about the torture of children at the hands of the organization that signs my paychecks and watching two of my crew members try to shred one another. It's what I need with the Collectors on our horizon and the Reapers breathing down our backs. I need this. 

"Yes, sir. I need it." 

Garrus makes a pleased hum. That helps, too; I need to please him. 

"You'll get four since it's your first time with the belt," he tells me. How the fuck does he stay so calm? "You will count, and you will not cum. Do you understand?"

Damn it. I hate when he does that. 

"Yes, sir." 

He rewards me for it with the first hit, the belt making a fantastic sound as a sharp, ringing pain sears across my ass. He got me square across both my ass cheeks, flat and even and impressively controlled. And painful. 

"One." 

Fuck. I'm not sure I want that again. It hurts enough that I consider asking him to stop or even safewording. I don't know if I can handle another. But then Garrus cracks that belt across my ass again, just below where he hit last time. And it's just as painful but...somehow a different experience. I almost forget to count it because my mind gets to whirling again. 

That time, it was still too painful...and yet somehow arousing too. Really, really arousing. 

The third hurts enough to take my breath away and comes with a flood of sensation that leaves me so wet, I can feel it soaking my thighs. And then there's one more. I have to hold on to my senses and my mind desperately to keep from cumming, the pain enough to get me there and combined with the sound to drive me wild. 

"Damn, baby," Garrus growls. I hear something I assume is the belt hit the floor, and then Garrus is pressing against my legs, his hands running lightly over my ass. I hiss out a breath between my teeth, my ass sore and the pain sharpening under his touch no matter how gentle. "Fuck, you have no idea how good your ass looks right now. I'm taking a picture." 

It's a warning, I know, an opportunity for me to reject that. And part of me hates the idea of Garrus having a picture of my bare ass - freshly beaten - on his Omni-Tool. But thinking about Garrus looking at that picture later and getting hot for it...yeah, that's worth it. The thought makes me hotter, and I have to shift to relieve some of the pressure, which only makes Garrus moan. 

"Wiggling for me, baby?" he purrs. "That will get you fucked, you know that?"

"Oh, God, I hope so." 

He chuckles and then runs both hands up over my back and into my hair, taking a fistful and yanking my head back. He leans forward to nip my ear and then whispers, "You got me so hot, Elle." His hips finally meet my ass, and I moan at his erection, hot and heavy. "You feel that? You drive me wild." All I can do is whimper and try not to beg when he takes himself in one hand and guides it gently over my sex. "Mmm. And you're all worked up too, huh, baby?"

"Yes, sir." I manage to turn my head enough to nuzzle him, and Garrus growls softly, nipping my jaw. 

"Tell me how you need me," he whispers. "Let me give you what you need, my love." 

"Garrus." I rock my hips back into him as much as I can with the way he has my spine arched. "You always do. You are what I need." 

His erection grinds into me. "I want you slow, baby, and I want you all day. But if I roll you over right now, it's gonna hurt like hell." 

A laugh explodes from me and Garrus joins me, releasing my hair so I can collapse and then tucking his face into my neck. His laugh vibrates through his carapace and into me, turning me on even more even while the laughter relaxes me. Garrus must be feeling the same since his chuckle changes into a soft moan, and then he's running his mouth along the back of my shoulders, sliding his hands over my waist, pressing against me. 

"One knee up," he purrs, taking the back of my knee and lifting my leg even as he ordered me to do it myself. His cock is pressing against me seconds later, searing hot and throbbing and I want him so, so badly. He stretches over my back, running his hands down my arms to the back of my hands and then interlocking our fingers just as he shifts his hips and slips slowly inside me. I'm aware of every single inch of him stretching me until he's completely buried inside me, and the pressure from the mattress makes me feel even fuller. 

He pins my hands with his and holds my hips down firmly with his body weight, stroking steadily inside me. I can feel all of him. His carapace is cool and heavy, completely solid against my spine, his arms are sculpted and his palms are perfectly rough. His tongue, rough and long, explores my shoulders and neck while his sharp teeth score all the flesh he can reach. 

And his cock, oh his cock. God. 

"Perfect." I don't mean to say that out loud and I don't realize that I did until Garrus chuckles softly into my shoulder. "Cocky son of a - " I cut off in a moan when he nips my neck sharply. 

"Are you trying to say I don't have a reason to be cocky?" he purrs. "Am I giving you everything you need, baby? Or do you need more?" Garrus releases one of my hands and presses his finger to my lips. I don't hesitate to let him in, sucking his finger into my mouth and relishing the way he moans. 

Garrus pulls his finger back out of my mouth and seconds later, that same finger is pressing into my ass. It's more intense now than usual, my ass still ringing in pain and every shift of his hips making that worse...or better. I can't really decide which. But damn he feels good, and when he takes my ass, he uses his other hand to turn my head and take my mouth with his tongue too. I'm completely filled by him, totally surrounded by him, and it's exactly what I needed. 

"I love you," he breathes. And now I have everything I've ever wanted. 

It's overwhelming in the best way, and I let the whole week of tension go. The release comes with a rapid escalation toward a shattering orgasm, and Garrus drags three out of me before finishing deep inside me. I feel his cock pulsing while he moans and growls into my shoulder, his body shuddering. But he's not done. 

He immediately rolls me over with a hold on my arm, spreads my legs, and sinks inside me with nearly a roar. His first thrust feels incredible but it's not enough to keep me from hissing in pain when my ass slides against the blankets. 

"Oh, shit," he breathes, instantly stopping and pulling my legs back in gently. "I'm sorry, baby." 

"No, I don't care, I don't want you to stop." 

Garrus laughs, and I can't blame him because I was definitely just whining; I'm not ashamed of it. "I don't want to stop either, don't worry. Let's just find a position that isn't going to hurt you for reasons that are far less fun." 

I laugh this time and it cuts off in a squeal when Garrus scoops me up, holding the back of my thighs instead of my ass, and moves to the head of the bed with me in his lap. I waste no time getting him back inside me and learn quickly that I need to watch how hard my ass is hitting his thighs. Garrus holds me steady, lays flat, and offers me his hands for balance. He meant what he said about finding a position that worked and damn does this work. 

"Spirits, I love watching you take me," he growls, eyes trained firmly where our bodies are joining. It never gets old to watch him watch me, to see the arousal grow in his eyes and the way his mandibles flex. He's impressively in control even from under me and when he's holding himself back from thrusting so that he doesn't hurt my very sore ass.

"You're so sexy," I blurt out, unable to help it. He flashes a cock little grin and it only grows when I rock against him, my clit pressing against that perfectly placed ridge on his groin plates. "I hate that you know it." I hate how breathless I sound, but that can't be helped. 

Garrus chuckles, that low and incredibly sexy sound I love. "No, you don't. You love it, and you love showing me off. Just as much as I love knowing everyone wants you...but you are mine." He rolls his hips up into me, perfect aim as always. "All mine." He squeezes my hands and I cling to him, my spine tingling and heat exploding in my veins. 

He doesn't just make me feel good, he doesn't just love me. Garrus Vakarian owns me, and it's exactly what I've always needed. It's everything. 

"Garrus...I wanna cum." 

"I've got you, my love." He lets go of one hand and slips it between us, finding my clit like an absolute pro. Sniper, engineer, mechanic, and fucking master of my entire body. His touch is the edge I need, and I'm falling apart moments later. It's by some miracle alone that I manage to continue for long enough to make him cum, too. Garrus finishes with a low growl, holding me still and buried completely inside me, and when I collapse on top of him, he's still twitching. 

"We're really good together," I gasp out, resting my head on that perfect spot on his shoulder. 

Garrus makes a soft sound and runs his hands down my spine. "It's amazing," he agrees. "I didn't even know it could be like this." 

"I'm still not always convinced it's real. Sometimes I get so scared I'll wake up and this will all be a dream that I can barely breathe. If I'd been brought back without you...none of this would matter." 

"Shepard," he whispers, hugging me tighter. I try not to talk about dying and all that much in front of him because I know the topic causes him pain, but it just kind of came out this time. "I lived in that nightmare for two years." That throws me; it's even more rare that Garrus talks about Omega. "You coming back was waking up and coming home all at once." 

I push myself up enough to look at him. As much as I don't want to potentially ruin this moment, this might be my only opportunity to get him open enough for this conversation. "With you being bonded to me...Garrus, there's a very real possibility that I don't get out of this mission. I mean, that any of us won't. And if you're bonded to me..." 

His face is shuttered and somber in an instant, and he shifts the pillow under his head to face me more firmly. "Bonded Turians only ever have one bondmate. When our bondmates die, we don't get another." 

"But all Turians mate for life."

"Yeah, we do. Divorce doesn't exist for Turians, and all married couples mark one another permanently. But the death of your mate allows you to remarry." He shrugs one shoulder but it doesn't look casual. "We're a war-oriented people; a lot of Turians get widowed." 

"Not a lot of Turians bond." 

He shakes his head. "No. The theory is that we evolved out of it because bonded Turians who lose their mates won't get another, they won't continue to breed. Bad for the species." 

"And bad for the Turian left behind." 

Garrus takes a breath. "I can't take back our bond." 

And now comes the moment of truth. "If you could take it back...would you?"

There's a heavy, almost choking silence for a moment. And then just as he opens his mouth, the chime on the door starts going off. Over and over again. Like the person on the other side is panicked. Like something is wrong.

Garrus clearly feels the same, and we're both up and at least partially dressed in seconds. I hurry to the door and open it only to have a distraught Quarian throw herself at me. "Shepard! They're accusing me of treason." 

*****

"This is Tali'Zorah-vas Neema nar Rayya requesting permission to dock with the Rayya." 

Tali blows me away sometimes. She's been accused of treason and is going home to the Migrant Fleet to face those accusations. Understandably, she fell apart right after hearing about the charges. But now she's pulled it together and is collected as we approach the Fleet. 

I think I'm more of a mess than she is right now. I can't imagine anyone accusing Tali of a crime but especially one involving disloyalty. She's like my sister, I know her heart as well as I know my own. Tali would never betray her people, her friends, her family. So it's been more than worth it to find the Migrant Fleet and be here to support her. I just hope there's something we can do. 

Joker is flying us toward the fleet, slowing to prepare to dock. Tali had to point out the right ship several times because even a system as advanced as the Normandy's has trouble picking just one out. The Migrant Fleet is much larger in scope than I was prepared for, ships of various styles and ages all flying together as one impressive unit. 

At least I think they're impressive. Most of the galaxy considers this Migrant Fleet no more than a sad group of homeless thieves. Of course, most of the galaxy has never bothered to get to know a Quarian the way I have. Their loss. 

A traffic controller from the Rayya responds, "Our system has your ship flagged as Cerberus. Verify." 

Tali pauses in her pace behind Joker's chair. I hear her take a breath and then she answers, "'After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began.'" 

"That's beautiful," Garrus breathes from where he leans on the wall to airlock beside me. I agree. For a moment, my heart aches for Mindior. 

"Permission granted," the traffic controller says. "Welcome home, Tali'Zorah." 

"We'd like a security and quarantine team to meet us," Tali replies, all business. "Our ship is not clean." 

"Understood. Approach exterior docking cradle 17." 

Tali takes a sharp breath and shakes out her hands, which she's been wringing for the last three days. She turns back to face me and nods. "Thank you again for this, Shepard. I would have been happy just getting a shuttle to the fleet, but having all of you here..." 

When she trails off, I step forward and take her hands between mine. "You're going to get through this. I can't promise the outcome, but I promise we're here for you." 

She inhales and nods, straightening her shoulders again. I let her lead us off the ship and onto the docking bay, a long hallway straight ahead of us. We're quickly greeted by a tall Quarian wearing white and red; he's leading several others, and I assume this is that quarantine team. Tali gave us all a heads up that helmets and masks would be required by everyone for the duration of our time with the fleet, even for people staying on the Normandy. No one complained - even Garrus who hates wearing a helmet. It's a wonder he lasted as Archangel. 

"Captain Kar'Donna," Tali greets him, simultaneously introducing him to us. 

"Welcome home," he says warmly. Surprisingly warm considering I imagine he knows why we're here. 

Tali motions to me. "Shepard, this is Captain Kar'Donna, the Captain of the Rayya and a friend of my family for a long time. This is Captain Shepard and Garrus Vakarian, her first officer." 

"Captain Shepard. Tali'Zorah told me a lot about you. I wish we could be meeting under more pleasant circumstances."

Tali also gave me a heads up that I would be called 'Captain' among the fleet; anyone who leads a ship and crew is a Captain in Quarian culture. Titles don't make much of a difference to me, so I don't question or correct it. Garrus technically got a promotion today, too. 

"Tali helped the Normandy's crew out of many difficult situations. I'm here to return the favor," I tell him. 

He nods. "I understand. As the commander of the vessel she serves on, your voice carries weight. I wish I could do more to help, Tali. The trial requires that I be officially neutral, but I'm here if you need to talk." 

"Thank you. I need to know what's going on," she urges him. I would be screaming that at this point. Tali received a message that she needed to come home to be tried for treason and was given no further information - including why the charges are being levied at all. 

With the way Captain Kar'Donna's shoulders fall, I wonder if we really wanted to know. 

"They're charging you with bringing active Geth into the fleet as part of a secret project," he informs us. 

My jaw pops open so far, it smacks the bottom of my helmet and I'm fairly certain the people around me hear the clank. Garrus snorts from behind me, sharing my shock and skepticism. Tali reacts with her whole body, taking a startled step back like she's been struck. 

"That's insane! I never brought active Geth aboard. I only sent parts and pieces." 

I blink at that and turn to her. "You sent Geth materials back to the Migrant Fleet?" 

"My father was working on a project, and he needed the materials." I watch her stiffen. "If I sent something back that was only damaged, not permanently inactive...no. No, I checked everything. I was careful." 

"Tali, you're always careful," I assure her, resting my hand on my shoulder. "I rely on you as a logical, rational voice when I'm emotional. Even when you were hunting Saren by yourself, you were thinking three steps ahead." 

"And you're one hell of an engineer," Garrus chimes in, his voice gentle. "You would know if those Geth pieces were a risk." 

Tali nods frantically, definitely trying to convince herself. I squeeze her shoulder and hope she can feel my faith in her at least. 

"Technically, I'm under orders to place Tali'Zorah under arrest pending the hearing," Captain Kar'Donna tells us. He hates the words, I can tell. "So, Tali...you're confined to this ship until that is over." 

"Thank you, Captain," she replies with a nod. 

"My crew and I won't be leaving either. Not without Tali." The Captain looks at me, and I don't need to see his face to know that he understands. The Migrant Fleet cannot keep a Spectre here without taking on the Council, so this is a promise that Tali will be coming with me when and how Tali is ready to leave. 

He nods, not challenging it. I think he may actually approve. "Preparations got underway as soon as you arrived. The hearing is being held in the garden plaza. You should speak with Admiral Raan. She's waiting for you up ahead." 

We all thank him, and then he lets us continue down the hall. I'm glad no one has tried to restrain Tali; I don't think I could handle that very well. 

We pass a few Quarians who are watching us and talking about the trial, about Tali. "I can't believe they're charging, Tali'Zorah with such a thing," one of them says. I hear another say, "If Tali'Zorah can't even get a Quarian captain to stand for her, she's as good as convicted." 

Yikes. 

We follow Tali down the hallway and to the right, through a set of doors. It opens into another hallway. I'm already feeling the stillness of the air here; I don't think I could live here long term with this staleness, but I'm grateful the Quarians have this solution to keep themselves healthy. 

Tali recognizes one of the Quarians standing at the end of the hallway and does a little bounce on her toes. I'm hopeful that all of Tali's friends and family are supportive of her, but I don't imagine her current mission is helping anyone's opinions of her at the moment. 

One of the Quarian women at the end of the hall dismisses the other, and then turns to face us. "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," she says, holding out her arms. "I'm glad you came. I could delay them only so long." 

Tali throws her arms around the other woman's neck and holds on tight. "Auntie Raan!" Her voice is full of emotion, and I stop a few feet back with Garrus to give them some privacy. After a moment, Tali pulls away and turns to us. "Shepard vas Normandy, Garrus Vakarian, this is Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay. She's a friend of my father's." 

"Good to meet you," I greet her, nodding. We were told not to shake hands or get too close to the Quarians, just in case there's a space in someone's suit that allows an infection through. 

Garrus doesn't get a chance to greet her before Tali makes a weird sound, and we all turn to her. "Wait, Raan. You just called me 'vas Normandy.'" 

"I'm afraid I did, Tali. The Admiralty Board moved to have you tried under that name, given your departure from the Neema." As she speaks, Tali is backing away from Raan until she's standing between me and Garrus again. I nudge her hand, and Tali clings to mine. 

"I take it being associated with a human ship is a bad sign?" I ask. 

"They stripped me of my ship name," Tali breathes. "That's as good as declaring me exiled already." 

"It's not over yet, Tali," Shala'Raan counters firmly. "You have friends who still know you as Tali'Zorah vas Neema, whatever we must call you legally." 

Tali nods but does not seem at all convinced. 

"You're an admiral?" Garrus asks. "Does that mean you're one of the judges?"

"I'm afraid not," Shala'Raan answers. "My history with Tali and her father forced me to recuse myself." 

"I imagine Father had to do the same," Tali says. 

Shala'Raan hesitates, then answers, "You'll see inside, Tali. For my part, I will moderate and ensure that the rules of protocol are followed, but I have no vote in the judgment." 

That is not helpful for us at all. I take a breath. "I guess we should get started. Does Tali have a defense counselor, someone who speaks for her side?"

"Indeed she does...Captain Shepard." That might be the most foreboding way anyone has ever said my name. "She is part of your crew now, as recognized by Quarian law. And an accused is always represented by their ship captain." 

"So, er..." Tali is wringing her hands again when she looks at me. "You will actually speak for my defense." 

"I'm honored, Tali. I'll do everything in my power to help you." I squeeze her hand, finally grateful for my helmet so she doesn't have to see that I do not look as calm as I sound. The thought of Tali's future as a member of the Migrant Fleet resting on my shoulders makes me want to jump through an airlock. 

"Thank you, Shepard. I could not ask for a better counselor. Or Captain." She catches me off guard with that, and I know she said it in front of an admiral intentionally. Tali is frustrated by all this, more than she's let on. 

"Our legal rules are simple," Shala'Raan says. "There are no tricks or political loopholes for you to worry about. Present the truth as best you can. It will have to be enough. Now come. I promised I would not delay you." 

We follow Shala'Raan down the hall and through a few more sections of the ship until we reach a large, open plaza with plants growing. It's a beautiful garden and the one area of the ship so far where I feel like the air is breathable. In the center of the room, a meeting area has been built-in. We have to walk down a few steps to reach it. 

There's a platform facing a table and seating in a semi-circle facing the platform. The spacing for seating is full, and there are three Quarians already standing on the platform. Shala'Raan leaves us at the table climbs up onto a raised dias behind the other three Quarians. Instantly, it feels like a courtroom and not a garden. I much prefer the garden. 

"The one on the right is Admiral Gerrel," Tali whispers. "He's worked with my father most of my life. In the middle is Admiral Koris. Not a fan of my father. I do not know the other one." 

"This Conclave is brought to order," Shala'Raan calls, the room quieting immediately. I notice that none of them have anything to enhance their voices, and Shala'Raan doesn't shout to gain order. The Quarians all settle quickly and calmly. "Blessed are the ancestors who kept us alive, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this season. Keelah se'lai." 

The Quarians in the room call back, "Keelah se'lai," in response, voices lowered in reverence. 

Shala'Raan continues, "The accused, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, has come with her captain to defend herself against the charge of treason." 

"Objection!" Admiral Koris screeches even as he raises his hand. "A human has no business at a hearing involving such sensitive military matters." 

"Then you should not have declared Tali crew of the Normandy, Admiral Koris," Shala'Raan retorts calmly. "By right as Tali's captain, Shepard must stay." 

I think I like Tali's Auntie Raan. 

"Objection withdrawn," Admiral Koris practically growls. 

"Shepard vas Normandy," Shala'Raan says, "your crew member Tali'Zorah stands accused of treason. Will you speak for her?" 

"If it helps, I will," I answer. I can play this role, but I am not going to be the puppet here. Not when Tali's dignity and her home are at risk. "But in her heart, she remains Tali'Zorah vas Neema, a proud member of the Migrant Fleet. I regret that her captain is forbidden to stand at her side today." 

"Nobody has been forbidden from anything," Koris replies, waving his hand dismissively. "It is a simple - " 

"Lie to them if you must, Zaal'Koris," Admiral Gerrel snaps, "but don't lie to me and expect me to stay silent. The human is right!" 

Oh, I just love how often aliens refer to me as 'the human.' At least around human soldiers, it's 'the woman' or 'the redhead.' Actually, I think I prefer 'the human.'

"Admirals, please," Shala'Raan cuts in. She has a tone that makes me think of when my mother got sick of referring arguments with my brother and I. "Shepard's willingness to represent Tali'Zorah in this hearing is appreciated. Tali, you are accused of bringing active Geth to the Migrant Fleet. What say you?"

"How could Tali have brought Geth to the Fleet while serving on the Normandy?" I ask, this whole thing bothering me. It doesn't seem possible these people have known Tali for more than two minutes, nonetheless her whole life. 

"To clarify, Shepard," the one admiral that Tali didn't recognize says, "Tali isn't accused of bringing back entire units. Only parts that could spontaneously reactivate." 

"But I would never send active Geth to the Fleet!" Tali protests, throwing up her hands. "Everything I sent was disabled and harmless!" 

Admiral Koris scoffs. "Then explain how Geth seized the lab where your father was working!" 

I feel Garrus stiffen behind me, and Tali gasps sharply, her entire body shuddering. She knew nothing about this, and she shares my shock. The crowd around us seems surprised as well, murmuring to themselves. 

"What are you talking about?" Tali asks, her voice softer with fear. "What happened?"

"As far as we can tell, Tali..." Admiral Gerrel pauses and shakes his head. "The Geth have killed everyone on the Alarei...your father included." 

"What?!" Tali cries. "Oh, Keelah!" Her legs give, and I reach for her, but Garrus is faster. He pulls Tali into his arms, tucking her against his chest, and gives me a firm nod before dropping his head to whisper to her. I don't know what he's saying, but I know she's in good hands. He has her so I can keep going and figure out what the hell is going on here. 

"I appreciate the need for this trial, Admirals," I tell them, "but right now our first concern must be the safety of the Migrant Fleet. The Normandy stands ready to assist in whatever capacity necessary." 

"Thank you," Shala'Raan replies, bowing her head a little. "Quarian strike teams have attempted to retake the ship, so far without success." 

"Shepard, we have to take back the Alarei!" Tali cries from within Garrus's arms. 

"The safest course would be to simply destroy the ship," Admiral Koris says, way too calm for the topic at hand. "But if you are looking for an honorable death instead of exile - " 

Tali leaps toward the admirals platform and screams, "I'm looking for my father, you bosh'tet!" 

She only doesn't rush up there, I'm sure, because Garrus catches her and is smart enough to keep hold. "Easy, easy," I hear him murmur to her. "Kill him, we don't get to find your father. Leave it to Shepard." 

"You intend to retake the Alarei from the Geth?" Shala'Raan asks, her tone surprised. "This proposal is extremely dangerous." 

"With your permission, Admirals, yes," I reply. "The good of the Fleet must come first, and Tali needs to find her father." 

"To be fair, if there is anyone in the galaxy more experienced and equipped for fighting Geth than Quarians, it's Shepard and our crew," Garrus notes. He has an excellent point. We have to be the only people who have fought more of them.

Admiral Gerrel nods. "Agreed. And if you die on this worthy mission, Tali, we will see that your name is cleared of these charges." 

"We can discuss that later," Koris chimes in. I can practically hear his scowl. 

"Then it is decided," Shala'Raan announces. "You will attempt to retake the Alarei. You are hereby given leave to depart the Rayya. A shuttle will be waiting at the secondary docking hangar. This hearing will resume upon your return or upon determination that you have been killed in action." 

The admirals and crowd start to disperse for now, and we wait for a moment to talk alone. I realize that I just signed on for a mission that we'll have to walk into fairly blind, but there was no other option. Tali deserves to find her father, and the entire Migrant Fleet is at risk if we leave a ship controlled by Geth among them. 

Tali has pulled herself together a bit, but she's still wringing her hands. "Thank you for agreeing to take back the Alarei, Shepard. The admirals sound sure that my father is already dead, but...I don't know. We won't know anything until we get there." 

"How are you holding up?" I ask, reaching for her. She takes my hand and squeezes. I hate that I couldn't hold or comfort her during the trial. "They just threw a lot of fire at you, even before telling you about your father." 

Tali shakes her head. "I knew this would be bad, but I guess you're never really prepared to be charged with treason. And my father..." 

She releases my hand and starts to pace. Garrus comes to stand closer at my side and I can feel that he's worried even if I can't see his face. Tali is very anxious, much more than we've seen her even on Haestrom, and her father is in a horrible situation. If we get onto the Alarei and he is gone...

"He could still be alive," she says, as if she can read my mind. "They don't know for certain that he's dead. I just don't know, Shepard. And I need to find out." 

"I get it, Tali," I assure her. "If I hadn't seen what happened to my parents and my brother, I never would have believed it. You have to see, you can't just accept it. And I don't want to leave any of the Quarians on the Alarei there if there's a chance they survived the Geth attack." 

"Not knowing is worse," Garrus breathes, his voice low. "Having something like this dropped on you when you're helpless..." 

He shakes his head, and Tali takes his hand while my heart breaks for both of them. It's not hard to figure out what Garrus is talking about, and I can see Tali's hand shaking in his. We need to do this. 

"I'd like more information on the Alarei and what happened before we go over there. And learning more about the trial couldn't hurt. Is there anyone we could talk to?" 

Tali nods at me. "We can talk with the admirals. It might help us to see what their viewpoints are. But I don't doubt we'll change anyone's mind by talking to them." 

She's probably right, but it's worth a shot. "Let's go." 

"Right," Tali agrees. "The sooner we get to the Alarei, the sooner we'll know what happened." 

We leave the garden plaza and go back into the courtyard just on the other side of the doors. This must be the center of the ship, and it seems big enough to fit most of the Quarians on board here. A good number of them are dwelling around now. Just outside the door, Tali spots Shala'Raan and her spine goes stiff. I can tell she's going to take off, but I don't stop her. She deserves to be able to confront the people responsible for how she's feeling right now. 

"You set me up, Shala!" Tali shouts, pointing a finger in Shala'Raan's face. The other Quarians in the area give them a wide berth. Garrus and I catch up to stand at Tali's six; we won't let her go too far. "You told Captain Danna not to say anything. I don't hear that my father may be dead until I'm in the trial? Why?"

"The admirals needed to hear the shock in your voice, Tali," Shala'Raan replies, still entirely calm. Or at least she sounds calm. "Otherwise, they might not have let you try to retake the Alarei. That is your best chance at recovering evidence that can exonerate you. I'm sorry. We cannot afford sensitivity, Tali." 

I shake my head. "I know you're trying to help her, Admiral, but that was over the line." 

"She has nobody else to speak for her here, Shepard. I'm doing everything in my power." Shala'Raan lowers her head a little and adds, "That's what her father would have wanted." 

"Don't say it like that!" Tali snaps, shaking again. "He could still be alive on that ship." 

Shala'Raan nods. "You should get to the Alarei soon. Is there anything else I can tell you?"

"How long have you known Tali's family?" I ask. We need to know our allies, and I want to keep Tali - the way they've known and loved her for her entire life - fresh in all of the admiral's minds. 

"Since before Rael was an admiral - twenty-five or thirty years, I'd guess." I can see Shala'Raan soften a bit. "I was there when Tali was born. Her mother and I had synced up our suits so we could be in the same open-air room. I was sick for a week, but it was worth it. I was the one who took Tali from her mother and put her in the bubble. She cried so hard." 

I frown at that. "I apologize for my ignorance here but...bubble?"

"Environmental units," Shala'Raan explains. "It's a step between the mother's immune system through nursing and getting a suit of one's own." 

Tali adds, "The bubbles let parents take their children out of the clean rooms safely. We don't wear suits until adolescence." 

"There's a celebration when a child gets their first suit. It's a coming of age." 

"Kind of brilliant," Garrus mutters. It's hard to argue. 

"But you were there when Tali was born...not Rael," I note. I know from past conversations with Tali that her father was never around much and Tali was never very close to him. Obviously, Tali doesn't want her father dead and Rael is the only parent Tali has left, but it leaves open how much Rael would have shared with Tali.

"It's difficult to explain," Shala'Raan offers. "I shouldn't..." 

She glances at Tali who nods. "It's alright. No secrets between shipmates. I've talked to Shepard and Garrus about my father." 

"If you say so," Shala'Raan replies. I can tell from the tone she would prefer that sort of thing had stayed within the Fleet. "Rael was...committed to the Quarian cause. That didn't leave him a lot of time for his family. He wanted to give Tali and her mother the homeworld...or a strong Fleet at least. That was how he showed his love." 

Garrus makes a sound. I don't need to look or even be able to see him to know what that means. Priorities matter, and Garrus does not approve of his father's or Tali's. If nothing else, it's made certain that Garrus knows how important priorities are. Somehow I got to the top of his. 

The only issue with that is how easily he can distract me. 

"What can you tell us about the Alarei?" I ask, getting back on target. 

"Not much, I'm afraid," she answers. "Rael'Zorah only said that he was researching new defense technology." 

Tali chimes in, "He only told me that he needed any Geth parts or pieces I found. I assumed he was testing weapons on Geth components." 

"We knew nothing until the Alarei sent a distress signal, then went dead," Shala'Raan continues. "We didn't even know about the Geth until a boarding team was attacked."

So whatever Rael was doing on the Alarei, he wanted to keep secret from absolutely everyone. And for an admiral, that's got to be pretty serious. 

"You're saying there's no data about the inside of the ship?" I press. 

"And we have no idea what we're walking into," Garrus adds. 

Shala'Raan nods. "That's exactly what I'm saying. The marines who survived and escaped saw bodies in the hall. We must assume the worst." 

"No, we don't," Tali snaps before I have to.

We are not going to assume anything at all about the Alarei; we assume survivors until all other options are exhausted. But that doesn't mean I'm feeling good about this. What the hell was Rael doing over there? Like Garrus said, what are we walking into? More importantly in this case...what am I walking Tali into?

"We should move on," I say, hoping we can get something better elsewhere. Shala'Raan might be Tali's aunt but she's already grieving Rael, and that's not what we need right now. Besides, Tali has a right to be frustrated with Shala, and I'm not pushing her emotions. 

"Good luck on the Alarei," Shala'Raan offers before we walk away. 

Tali leads us to Admiral Gerrel who is waving us over. "He's an engineering expert, like my father," she tells us quietly on the way. "I've always liked him. Though I do think he had an affair with my mom before I was born but I don't want to talk about that." 

I glance up at Garrus and can just about feel the look on his face. Migrant Fleet drama. They should make a soap opera. 

"Tali!" the admiral greets us. "I'm glad Admiral Raan got you leave to hit the Alarei. Hopefully you'll find something that clears your name." 

He seems truly genuine, and I appreciate it. 

"I'm more concerned with finding my father, Admiral," Tali breathes. 

"I wish you luck. Blow up some Geth on the way." He turns to look at me and extends a hand; I accept his forearm. "And you're Captain Shepard? Admiral Han-Gerrel vas Neema." 

"A pleasure," I reply. "This is Garrus Vakarian." I refuse to introduce him as my fiance to a Quarian admiral before doing it with the Vakarian family. 

"You've got Admiral Koris backing up worse than a Krogan toilet," Gerrel chuckles. "Glad to see Tali's captain knows how to handle a courtroom." 

I scoff at that. "I'm glad one of our judges is inclined to believe the defense." 

"If you were only giving Rael inactive equipment for weapons tests, I've got no problem," he assures us. "We need to test weapons against Geth material. I know you and your father. You've put too much of yourselves into this fleet to do anything to jeopardize our safety. And you're both smart enough not to make mistakes like the ones they're saying you made." 

Tali straightens up a little. It helps to hear someone in charge around here is on her side, I'm sure. It's only one though, and we have a lot of hurdles ahead of us. 

"Can you tell me about the other admirals?" I ask him. "Anything that might help me change their minds about Tali?"

He nods and leads us toward the side of the room to keep our conversation private. "The one you didn't recognize, Tali, is Admiral Xen. She's on the fence. She takes Fleet safety very seriously, but she's always been in favor of studying the Geth. I hope she sees the benefit of Rael's research. Admiral Koris is the same whining suit-wetter he always was." 

"You disagree with Admiral Koris's policies, I'm guessing?" I ask. "Or is it personal?" 

"The man is a damn Geth apologist. Thinks we were wrong to try to destroy them centuries ago." He scoffs and shakes his head. "He wants us to search for new colony possibilities instead of taking back the homeworld. Any research on the Geth makes him angry. You don't have much of a chance with him, I'm afraid." 

"Two to one is still a win," Garrus notes. 

I agree, and it's good to know our weaknesses. "You and Tali's father go back a long ways?"

"We served together on the gunship Yaska during a bad Batarian raid," he begins, getting that reminiscing voice everyone from every species has. "We were kids, serving pre-Pilgrimage as trainees. A crew of ten, and six were dead. Kinetic barriers were down. Rael and I were along the bridge, and the Batarians had drawn off a tramp freighter." 

"Did you save the freighter?" Garrus asks, always eager for a war story. 

"Our ship was under orders to hold position," Gerrel continues, almost definitely grinning inside his mask, "but Rael looked at me and said, 'We're underage. They can't charge us for breaking formation.' He took the helm, I took the weapons, and we brought that freighter back. The crew called us heroes, the brass called us idiots. They slapped medals on our suits, then kicked us off to Pilgrimage a bit earlier than usual." He laughs sadly and shakes his head, mourning. "That's Rael for you." 

"We appreciate the help," I tell him. 

He nods, and then touches Tali's elbow. "Hang in there, kid." 

"Thank you, Admiral."

We leave him, and I realize quickly that our conversations have been noticed. Everyone is aware that we spoke to at least two of the other admirals, and with Admiral Koris nearby, it would look like a slight if we avoided him. "You know we have to," Garrus mutters, reading my mind.

"This is gonna suck," I groan, leading them toward the admiral who is making it his business to wreck my best friend's life.

"Judging by your ability to play to a crowd, human," Koris begins, speaking while he turns around to face me, "I have done Tali a favor by stripping 'vas Neema' from her name."

Tali makes a soft growling noise. Very Turian of her. "Commander Shepard, Garrus Vakarian, this is Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib. Do not ask about the name," she adds quietly.

Garrus is almost definitely going to ask about the same.

"I take no pleasure in this, Tali, truly," Koris says, his tone haughty and annoying. "But you have gravely endangered and dishonored our Fleet." 

"You have a ship named Qwib-Qwib?" Garrus asks, not even bothering to hide the way he's chuckling. Tali groans, and I'm finally glad for the helmet so that I can smile. I love this guy. 

Admiral Koris puffs himself up, preparing to preach. "Our people have, during difficult periods, purchased pro-owned vessels from other cultures! And have, on occasion, had difficulty altering the ships registry information. The citizens of these foreign-named ships have borne the stigma of these names with grace and honor." 

"If it bothers you, why haven't you found another ship?" I ask. He's clearly got some pride issues about it. Not that I can blame him...especially when he's standing in front of someone as badass as a 'vas Normandy.' 

"I've occasionally entertained the idea of requesting a transfer," he admits. "Something with a nice, respectable name like the Defrahnz or the Iktomi. But I am proud of the Qwib-Qwib, and I will not flee because of the petty insults." 

"Mmhmm, fascinating, and what exactly is your problem with my crew member, Admiral?" I demand, crossing my arms over my chest and cocking my hip. I don't have to tolerate this douchebag and neither should Tali. 

"I respect Tali immensely," he replies, still puffed up like a fool. "Her actions against Saren are to be lauded. But like her father, she wants nothing but the destruction of the Geth - the people we created. The people we wronged." 

"The Geth drove us from our homeworld!" Tali protests.

He looks at her and replies, "Of course they did. We tried to kill them." 

Oh, crap. The douchebag has a really good point. But the last thing I need is to admit that or to start an argument with Tali - and maybe Garrus - so I force myself to focus again. 

"Can you tell me anything about the Alarei?" I ask.

"Only that you should have let us destroy it," he snarks in response. "When we find the evidence of what Tali and her father did there, any hope of convincing the other admirals will die." 

I regret asking. I don't think I'd regret punching him in the face, though. 

Tali is fed up too, and she snaps, "I did not bring active Geth to the Alarei, Admiral! I know how dangerous that would be! I only brought pieces." 

"The captured ship with its crew slaughtered by living beings in pain belies your argument." 

Damn. 

"We should go," I interject. Tali doesn't need to get into an argument with him right now either. Priorities. 

"Goodbye, Tali'Zorah," Admiral Koris calls as we start to move away. "Be well." 

Tali turns back and cocks her head at him. "I'm surprised to hear you say that." 

"I don't hate you, Tali. I just think your father's plans for war were wrong." 

She just shakes her head and lets us keep walking away. Smart move. Unfortunately, it leaves me with too much time to consider exactly what he said. He's the only person I've ever heard call the Geth people. He talked about them being in pain, being wronged. Before meeting David and Archer, I might have ignored it completely. But now...

If the Geth do feel pain, if they feel loss, the war and every battle with the Geth gains an entire new level of complexity. 

"Okay, you two are engineers," I note, keeping my voice down so I don't start a debate with the entire ship. "Are AIs sentient? Is there any value to what Koris said?"

"Shepard, no," Tali answers firmly, her voice squeaking a little. "They have some intelligence, but they are not people." 

"I told you about David and Project Overlord, Tali. You know that Archer said David wasn't a person either, and he was suffering horribly," I remind her. "And what about EDI? Tell me you've never noticed any emotion in EDI’s voice or thoughts." 

"That's not the same as Geth!" 

"Why? Because Geth are an enemy? That makes them incapable of being people?" 

"Okay, alright," Garrus breathes, stepping between us and placing a hand on my shoulder. "Let's not do this right here, not right now. It's a debate worth having another day. For now, one thing matters." 

"He's right." I reach in front of him and take Tali's hand. "We're going to find out what happened to your dad. We can talk Geth philosophy later. I'm sorry I brought it up now." 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," she replies, squeezing my hand. 

Garrus scoffs. "I have argued with both of you, and neither of you has ever apologized that quickly. This is bullshit." 

We laugh at him, and Tali elbows his side, the tension easing immediately. Garrus keeps his arm around me, pulling me a little closer. It's a silent appreciation, a promise that he understands where I was coming from. And that helps a little, knowing that I'm not completely off-base here. But he was also right that this is not the time. 

Tali leads us through halls that feel like a maze with no problem. I could live here and still get lost, I'm sure. "You know this ship like the back of your hand, Tali," I note.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tali asks, giggling at me. 

"That's one of the worst human idioms I've heard yet, Shepard," Garrus times in. I know for a fact he's rolling his eyes, and I hope he's just as aware that I'm doing the same. Jerks. 

We approach the docking bay where the shuttle is waiting, guarded. The guard turns to greet us. "Tali'Zorah vas Neema...oh, sorry. I mean 'vas Normandy.'" 

"No offense taken. The change in name was not my choice." 

He nods. "Per Admiral Raan's orders, the shuttle is prepared for you and Captain Shepard vas Normandy." 

"And I'm just baggage," Garrus quips. 

Tali laughs. "You should consider taking her name when you get married." 

My cheeks heat instantly, and Garrus shifts a little even though he laughs casually. Taking names, that's...well, that's a conversation we need to have. We have to get used to people talking about us getting married too, I think. 

"Let's get to the Alarei," I blurt, determined to get this thing moving along. 

Garrus chuckles, definitely on to me, but he doesn't say a word. The shuttle guard offers us luck and allows us onto the shuttle, opening the door. Garrus pilots it, taking us to another, smaller ship in the fleet that has already been programmed into the navigational system. 

"How did they know I wouldn't just run?" Tali muses. "They won't let us back on the Normandy until after the trial, but this is okay?"

"If you run, it shows your guilt," I reply. "That makes their job easier; they don't even have to try you." 

Tali scoffs. "I'm not making any of this easy for them." 

I give her an approving nod as Garrus docks us onto the Alarei. We climb out, locked and loaded since there's a dead Quarian not three free away. It cannot be a good sign, especially since he was definitely shot. I signal for Garrus to open the door, and we take position, Tali and I prepared to give him cover. 

The moment the doors are open, leading into a kitchen, we're faced with several Geth on the other side of the room. We hurry for cover behind counters and start what promises to be one of many fights here. Fortunately, Tali and Garrus are extremely effective against Geth; she can hack them, and he can make them useless. I'm basically just shooting fish in a barrel when they're gone. 

But the number of Geth here is already alarming. This ship is entirely overrun. This the first room, and I'm already wondering how much extra ammo we should have brought. We're going to need to scavenge the dead Quarians. 

Once the room is clear, we search it. In the far corner, Tali finds a log and plays it, a woman's voice coming on and playing clearly. "Something's slowing down the systems. We're taking down the firewalls to rebalance load distribution. Rael'Zorah ordered us to bypass standard safeties. Following security protocols will take too long." 

Tali walks away without a word. I look up at Garrus, and he's already looking down at me. There's not much we can say. This is going to be a tough day for Tali no matter how this goes. 

We follow Tali out of the kitchen at the other side of the room and through another set of doors in the hall. It's a medical lab of some kind, including several beds and one with a Geth piece on it. Tali approaches it slowly. 

"This is one of the storage units I sent to Father," she explains. "Looks like parts from a disabled repair drone, plus a reflex algorithm I didn't recognize. I got this on Haestrom." 

"Haestrom was a war zone. How did you salvage gear in the middle of all that?" I ask, equal parts impressed and horrified at the thought of Tali trying to collect gear while being shot at. 

Tali laughs. "These suits have more pockets than you think. Quarians have learned how to salvage whatever we can whenever we can. Well...within reason. We're not Vorcha. But we repair what most people would throw away. Hundreds of the ships in our fleet were salvaged wrecks, either found dead in space or purchased for next to nothing." 

Garrus approaches, examining the Geth piece for himself. "What made a part worth sending back to your father?" he asks. 

"It had to be in working order. Something that could be analyzed and integrated into other technology. Anything new had priority. Technology the Geth developed themselves. Signs of modification, clues to their thinking." 

That all makes sense. They need to prepare to evolve along with their enemy, I get that. And their enemy has been evolving beyond the way they were created, which also makes a lot of sense. It doesn't sound like a war that's ever going to end. 

"How did you get these things to your father?" I ask. 

"Sometimes I left packages at secure drops in civilized areas," she explains. "Someone on Pilgrimage would see that it was shipped home. For very valuable finds, I'd signal home, and Father would send a small ship." 

"Okay, well, does this salvaged gear give you a clue as to what happened here?" 

Tali shakes her head. "No. I don't know! Shepard, I checked everything I sent here. I passed up great finds because they might be too dangerous, prone to uncontrolled reactivation or self-repair. I don't know which possibility is worse: that I got sloppy and sent something dangerous, or that Father actually did all this." 

She starts marching out of the room, but I catch her wrist to stop her. "Slow down. Take a moment. Tali, this sucks. You're allowed to let it suck." 

"We don't have time to - " 

"Tali. You can stop now and let this suck, or you can break down later when we might need you pulled together. So take a moment. I can make it an order if you need." 

She nods slowly, and then sniffles. I know what happens next, and I open my arms just before she leaps into them and throws her arms around my neck. She sobs, the floodgates open, and I just hold her. 

I give it a minute, rub her back while she cries, and then guide her to straighten up by her shoulders. "You ready now?"

"Yes. I'm better. Thank you." One more hug, and then Tali leads us out of the room. Her shoulders are lower but looser, so I'm a little more convinced that she can handle this. 

"You know I think you're amazing," Garrus murmurs from behind me, throwing me way off. I turn and frown at him only to realize he can't see me frown. He just shrugs, though. "There's no explanation needed. You just need to know I think you're amazing and I'm really excited to not take your name." 

I laugh and shove him away playfully, walking backward toward the door to follow Tali out. "You're ridiculous. And I'm just gonna change my first name to Shepard since that's all anyone calls me anyway." 

"Oh, and I'm ridiculous," he laughs, following me out. In the hall, he swats my ass and I love the way it feels through my armor. It makes staying calm on my feet a little odd, but I manage it. 

We follow Tali down the hallway and through another door nearby. There's a desk inside with a monitor system. It's locked, but with Tali and Garrus around, getting through won't be a problem. Except that they both motion me toward it. 

"Do we have time for this?" I protest. A Quarian lock is probably going to be fairly complex. I don't know if I want the first time I try it to be right here. 

"We have time. Do it." Tali giving orders is new, and I feel like it's important enough that I move the console without even considering another argument. I do flip Garrus off when I hear him laugh right behind me, though. 

I was right, it's hard. I'm not sure whether it's good or not that everytime I nearly get tripped up on a hack, the only way I can keep myself calm enough to get through it is by thinking about Garrus's hands up my shirt. But it gets the job done, and with barely a second to spare, I get through the lock and open up the entire system. 

"Very nice," Garrus purrs. He totally knows what my method is, the cocky bastard. 

"You've got real hacker potential, Shepard," Tali chirps. "Better watch, Garrus, we know this one has criminal tendencies." 

I scowl and try not to smile while they laugh and download the Geth shield data from the console. At least this will be worth it if I'm getting teased. 

We leave the room and continue back down the hall. Halfway down is a console where we can play a video log. There are several Quarians on the log, deep in conversation and not noticing the camera. 

"Who's running this system diagnostic?" one of them, a woman, asks. "I didn't authorize...oh, Keelah. How many Geth are networked?" 

"All of them," a man with her answers. His pacing is making me anxious and I'm not even watching in real time. "Rael'Zorah - " 

"Shut it down!" she shouts. "Shut everything down! They're in the system." 

The log ends and leaves all of us feeling anxious. It's not a good sign, especially not with Rael's name mentioned. Networking Geth is a bad thing, I know that without any advanced knowledge of them or engineering or AI at all. 

We continue through the doors at the end of the hall and into another lab. There are more Geth in here, including Hunters that very nearly sneak up on us. We clear the room and push through it. At the end of the room is a flight of stairs, and there's a log on the console at the bottom. We play it, even though I'm not sure I want to hear more. 

A Quarian woman is talking directly to the camera, looking between the screen and something to her right. I can see her chest heaving. We can hear gunfire in the background. "We locked down navigation. Weapons are offline. Our mistake won't endanger the Fleet. They're burning through the door. I don't have much time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Jona, if you get this, be strong for Daddy. Mommy loves you very much!" 

I flinch and Tali jumps almost completely out of her skin when gunfire explodes and she's shot down. "Keelah," Tali groans, covering her mouthpiece. 

"That was..." 

"Awful," I finish for Garrus. I don't think any of us could have been prepared for that. No matter what happens as a result of our search through this ship, the Quarians have a lot to talk about a deal with after this. 

We manage to gather ourselves after a moment and proceed into the next room, only to be ambushed instantly. There are Geth coming through doors at both sides of the other end of the room, and a lot of them. We take cover and hunker down, but the Geth have either gotten reckless or pissed - if Geth can be pissed - and they're rushing through the room while shooting. 

It's one of the more difficult fights we've had recently, and that's really saying something, all things considered. The Geth Hunters that can cloak are especially frustrating. A smoke grenade helps, forcing them into an outline, but it's not fun on a Quarian ship with little air movement. I hate it.

I especially hate that now I'm considered the Geth's feelings and motives, their emotions. These fights used to be so simple. Now...damn it. Now I have to worry about robotic feelings. For fuck's sake, why can't I be mindless like Zaeed? 

When we finally get through the battle, we're clear to access the consoles at the end of the room. Most of them seem to have nothing but data, but Tali finds something and calls us over. 

"This console might have something. Most of the data is corrupted, but a few bits are left." She uses her Omni-Tool to do something that lets her into the system, and then downloads the data onto her 'Tool. "They were performing experiments on Geth systems, looking for new ways to overcome Geth resistance to reprogramming." 

Performing experiments. On things that were unable to consent to the experiments. Crap, Koris really got in my head. 

"What do you think about all this?" I ask her, trying to sound as neutral as possible. "Do you think testing weapons on the Geth is right?"

"It's not testing weapons on prisoners, Shepard," she says, apparently also capable of reading my mind. "I only sent Father parts. Even if he assembled them, they wouldn't be sapient. You saw what Saren and Sovereign did with the Geth. Any research that gives us an advantage is important." 

I hold back the urge to argue and just continue, choosing information instead of a fight. "Do you know what kind of tests your father was running?"

"No." It's easy to believe her and not just because Tali is always honest. "Father just told me to send back any Geth technology I could find that wasn't a direct danger to the Fleet. I suspected he might be testing weapons, but I thought he was just working on new ways to bypass shields or armor." 

I motion toward her Omni-Tool, referring to the data, and ask, "Could any of that clear your name?"

She shakes her head. "Doubtful. This is mostly results data. Effects of different disruptive hacking techniques. I don't understand all of it, but...they may have been activating the Geth deliberately. I don't know. Nothing here says specifically. But if they were...Father was doing something terrible." 

I don't know if she means it's terrible that her father and this team brought Geth to life only to torture them for experiments, or if she means terrible because of the risk to the crew of the Alarei and the entire Fleet. I don't know how to ask either. This is a whole mess.

Tali turns back to the console, her shoulders falling while she grips both sides of it and starts muttering to herself...and her father. "What was all this, Father? You promised you'd build me a house on the homeworld. Was this going to bring us back home?"

By the end she's shouting at her father - who is not here - and Garrus has the good sense to move in and guide her away from the console. "Let's keep moving, Tal, let's figure out what's going on before we start punching consoles," he says softly to her. 

"Wasn't gonna punch it," she mutters, letting him push her out of the room. He's right; she needed to break down earlier, but now she needs to keep going. 

When we go through the door at the end of the room, it takes us out onto a balcony in a room where the Geth are entering from below. We take cover behind the barrier and get into another firefight. At first, we have the vantage point, Garrus covering the stairs to prevent Geth from getting up, but then more Geth appear on the second level. Eventually, enough Geth appear that I have to pair with Garrus to keep them down the stairs. Fortunately, my biotics and his tech skills work perfectly together. But it's not enough. Something was bound to get through, and it happens with a bullet to Garrus's shoulder.

My heart falls into my stomach when I see the hit. He groans and ducks back behind cover, pushing his head into the barrier and holding his breath. "I'm okay," he growls out, obviously aware that I'm watching him. 

"Not convincing, big guy." 

"Don't do anything stupid, I'm fine," he snaps. "And don't tell me you never do anything stupid, I can practically see you thinking about going all wild." 

"I thought you liked me wild," I quip with a grin. 

Garrus laughs and even though he winces, it makes me feel a little better than he's at least kept his sense of humor. "It got through my shields but not my armor. Just my bad shoulder so..." 

"So it hurt like a Krogan stomping on your balls?" 

He looks at me. "What is wrong with your mind?"

That gets me laughing, and I ride the high to wipe out the Geth trying to get up the stairs with a shockwave blast. Jack just taught me to control that one last week, and it's a good thing she did. 

"I'm okay," he repeats, more firmly this time. "I'm switching to my assault rifle or my other shoulder for now, but I'm okay." 

I want to argue it. I want to tell him to sit out the rest of the fight. But in reality, we probably can't win this fight without him. And more importantly, I hate when he does overprotective shit to me, so I'm not going to do it to him. No matter how badly I want to. 

"I trust you," I tell him. "But you have to promise to let me baby the shit out of you when we get home." 

"You're really twisting my arm here, kid." He pulls out his assault rifle, takes a breath, and then Garrus is back is the game - bum shoulder or no. And I get to snuggle him to my heart's content tonight. 

We finally clear out the room and then go down the stairs to the lower level. There's a console in the corner, and I play the log. It's the same Quarian woman as the last log, the one the Geth killed...the one with a baby and a husband. 

"First entry," she begins. Garrus heads out of the room ahead of us, checking through the door and staying in sight so I don't object. "Our hacking attempts failed. The Geth have an adaptive consciousness. Hack one process and the other auto-corrects. Still we're making progress. Rael'Zorah is convinced we'll have a viable system in less than a year. This weapon will put our people back on the homeworld. And it's all because of Rael'Zorah." 

"Hacking the Geth for this...they must have known something," Tali mutters, shaking her head. She's trying to make sense of everything we've learned, and I wish I had an answer for her. "Let's just keep moving." 

I follow Tali for the door, but Garrus whirls around and blocks her. "Tali...I don't think you should." 

"Should...what?" she asks. 

"Let's..." Garrus looks at me, but I don't know what's going on so I don't know how to help him. All I can do is shake my head. "Maybe there's another way through, Tali." 

It hits me that he doesn't want her to find whatever she did through that door, and my heart stops when I realize what's going on. I reach for Tali but she's gone stiff. She knows, too. 

"Oh...no." Tali forces her way out of Garrus's arms - he can't restrain her forever - and she rushes through the door. I close my eyes when she screams, "Father!" 

We hurry out behind her, Tali on the floor beside the body of her father. She's shaking him, patting him down like she expects to find something. "No, no, no! You always had a plan. Masked life signs or-or an onboard medical stasis program. You...you wouldn't!" 

Tali throws herself on top of him, and I hear Garrus make a soft keening sound in the back of his throat. His pain is audible, mine is choking me. It's hard to watch Tali like this, I can't stand it. 

"They're wrong!" she cries. "You wouldn't just die like this! You wouldn't leave me to clean up your mess! You can't!" 

I reach down and take her arm, unable to watch her cry literally on top of her dead father's body. "Hey, hey, come here." 

She doesn't hesitate, coming into my arms and sinking against me. She clings and sobs hard on my shoulder, her entire body shaking. I know what this pain is like, losing your family. I've lived this pain, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Especially not Tali, and especially not since she's also dealing with the aftermath of what Rael did. I'll be damned if she has to feel like she's dealing with it alone. 

"Damn it," she swears, sniffling and pulling away a little. "I'm sorry." 

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Tali," I assure her, rubbing her back. She nods and takes another minute, her sobs slowing into sniffles and the full-body tremors stomping eventually. We don't rush her, Garrus staying close and quiet. 

When she's ready, Tali turns back to look down at her father, still holding my hand. "Maybe...he would have known I'd come. Maybe he left a message." 

"Let me," Garrus offers, kneeling. He's gentle when he moves Rael'Zorah enough to access his Omni-Tool and scan it. "There's a final recording." 

Rael's voice plays, a little out of breath and panicked. "Their main hub will be on the bridge. You'll need to destroy it to stop their VI processes from forming new neural links. Make sure Han'Gerrel and Daro'Xen see the data. They must - " 

Tali grips my hand tighter when gunshots erupt on the recording, and then it ends abruptly. 

"He knew you'd come for him," Garrus notes, standing and taking Tali's other hand. "He was trying to help." 

"It's not perfect," I add, reading that on the way she's holding my fingers. "It's not what you wanted. But it's the best he could do." 

Tali takes a breath. "I don't know what's worse: thinking he never cared, or thinking that he did and this was the only way he could show it." She takes another breath and then straightens her spine. "It doesn't matter. One way or the other, I cared. And I'm here. And we're ending this." 

She looks at me, seeking support from her friend or her commander or both, and I give it to her with a firm nod. We move on, through the door just beside his body. There's not much in here, but I notice a wall safe and notice Garrus noticing it much more firmly. He does not like leaving rocks unturned. 

"You can hack it," Tali tells him, also seeing what I am. "The Fleet is probably going to screw me anyway, so you might as well get them first." 

"Good enough for me," Garrus agrees, going over and getting through the lock in barely a second. There isn't much of value, but it's better that we know. 

We go up the stairs on the other side of the room and through the door at the top. It opens into a large room with an open central area and not a lot of cover but - because this is our luck - it's full of Geth, including several Prime. 

Garrus starts with his rifle, using his other arm, but the fight goes on long enough that he's forced to abandon it. Tali's shields are far too low through way too much of the fight for my liking, and I end up having to stop using my biotics because it's exhausting. It feels like this is the end, the Geth's final stand, and that gives us all the motivation we need to push through, but it doesn't make for an easy battle. 

Finally, it's done, the last Geth Prime going down in flames from one final Overload that Garrus lands perfectly. 

At the very end of the room, there's a large console, and Tali wastes no time getting into it. "The console is linked to the main hub Father mentioned," she tells us. I'm trying not to be distracted by the way Garrus is holding his injured shoulder. "I disabled it, shutting down any Geth we might have missed." 

"So it's done? The Alarei is safe?"

"And the Fleet," she agrees with a nod. She's still just staring at the screen, though. This is definitely not done. "It looks like some of the recording remained intact. They'll tell us how this happened, what Father did." 

I touch her shoulder. "You sound like you don't really want to hear it." 

"We have to, I know," she allows. "I just...this is terrible, Shepard. I don't want to know that he was part of this." 

I nod and wait, prepared to give her time, but I'm proud when she only needs a moment before pushing the button to play it. Rael'Zorah and a couple other Quarians appear on the screen. "Do we have enough parts to bring more online?" he asks. 

"Yes," another Quarian man answers. "The new shipment from your daughter will let us add two more geth to the network." 

"We're nearing a breakthrough on systemic viral attacks," the woman from before chimes in. "Perhaps we should inform the Admiralty Board, just to be safe." 

Rael'Zorah reacts viscerally to that. "No! We're too close. I promised to build my daughter on the homeworld. I am not going to sit and wait while politicians argue." 

"We'd have an easier time of it if Tali'Zorah could send back more working material." 

"Absolutely not," Rael answers quickly, almost like he was expecting this. Or like they'd had this conversation before. "I don't want Tali exposed to any political blowback. Leave Tali out of this. Assemble new Geth with what we have. Bypass security protocols if need be." 

The recording cuts out and Tali heaves out a heavy breath. "It sounds like he was doing this for you," I note. I only want her to feel a little better, but we all know this is proof he was doing terrible, illegal things. 

"I never wanted this, Shepard," she moans. "Keelah, I never wanted this." She starts pacing, wringing her hands yet again. "Everything here is his fault! I tried to pretend it didn't point to him, but this...when this comes up in the trial, they'll..." She stops suddenly and spins back to us. "We can't tell them. Not the admirals, not anyone." 

"Oh, Tali..." 

I stop myself. I want to argue it, but what could I say? She's right. This will ruin the reputation of her entire family, destroy her father's legacy, and could hurt Tali as much as it helps. Besides, anything I could say now would sound like turning on her, and I do not want Tali to be anything but confident going into the trial. 

"We're not going to decide anything here. Let's just see what the admirals say once we get back." 

"You're my captain in this hearing, Shepard," she presses. "It's your decision. But please. Don't destroy what my father was." 

I don't answer her. I can't. 

"Come on," she breathes after a moment, nodding to herself more than me I think. "If we wait too long, they'll decide we're already dead, and none of this will matter." 

We make the shuttle ride back in heavy silence. I'd give anything for a couple minutes to talk this out with Garrus, my head spinning. If I don't tell the admirals everything that we've found, if I don't turn over our evidence, they could easily decide to exile Tali. Without the proof, we don't have much going for us. But if I do tell them, if I make this confession on Rael'Zorah's behalf, it will be a betrayal. Tali might never forgive me, and I wouldn't blame her. 

And then we're back on the Rayya, and I have no more time. Especially considering what we hear of the trial being broadcast over the comms. We rush back toward the garden plaza while listening. 

"We need to face facts," a voice I recognize as Admiral Koris says. "There has been no word. There is no reason to think Tali'Zorah survived." 

"He sounds choked up about it too," Garrus growls. 

"We must trust Shepard's offer of assistance!" Shala'Raan protests. "It has only been a few hours!" 

"The Quarian marines lasted less than five minutes," Admiral Gerrel notes. He sounds sad at least. "Call it." 

We're so close, just feet away. 

Shala'Raan hesitates, then breathes, "Very well. Is the Admiralty Board prepared to render judgment?" 

I reach the door side by side with Tali, and we step through at that moment, the eyes of everyone in the room snapping to us. Gasps and murmurs break out, giving us a minute while the admirals gather themselves. Garrus leans down to my ear and whispers, "What are you going to do?"

"I have no idea," I confess, my voice cracking with the same stress that is about to break me in half. 

"Hey." He turns me toward him. "I trust you to make the right decision, and so does Tali. And I'll support you no matter what." 

It's enough to let me take a breath, and that's enough to let me face the table and the rest of the trial. 

"Sorry we're late," Tali offers, her voice hard again. I can hear her snark again, too. This is the Tali we need right now. 

And I'm going to be the Shepard that Tali needs. 

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy saved the Alarei," I announce. "I hope this proves her loyalty to Quarian people." 

"Her loyalty was never in doubt," Koris counters, sounding tired. "Only her judgment." 

"Perhaps Tali'Zorah can offer something to encourage more trust in her judgment," Shala'Raan says, sounding hopeful. 

Tali turns to me, waiting, and I know she's just as hopeful. I can feel her pleading silently. I take a moment, solidifying my decision, and then step closer to the table. I plant my palms on it and ground myself, wishing I was actually prepared for this. 

"Shepard," Tali whispers. "Please." 

"Does Captain Shepard have any new evidence to submit to this hearing?" Shala'Raan asks. She sounds less hopeful now. 

"I don't need evidence," I inform them all, the truth coming to me like a lightbulb going on in my brain. "Tali helped me defeat Saren and the Geth at the Citadel. That should be all the evidence you need." 

Admiral Koris scoffs because of course he does. "I fail to see what relevance - " 

"You're not really interested in Tali, are you?" I demand. "This trial isn't about her. It's about the Geth." 

"This hearing has nothing to do with the Geth!" Koris practically screams. Getting under his skin should not be this easy. 

"You want people to sympathize with them," I charge. "Han'Garrel wants to go to war! None of you care about Tali. She knows more about the Geth than any other Quarian alive. You should be listening to her, not putting her on trial." I motion to Tali and continue, "Tali'Zorah saved the Citadel. She saved the Alarei. She showed the galaxy the value of the Quarian people. I can't think of stronger evidence than that." 

A tense silence falls, and my hands are shaking. Tali reaches out and grabs my fingers, squeezing hard. Garrus steps forward as well, planting his hands on Tali's shoulders. We wait. I've done everything I can and have to hope it's enough.

"Are the admirals prepared to render judgement?" Shala'Raan asks. 

Admiral Gerrel starts doing something on his Omni-Tool immediately, and Xen follows shortly. Koris looks at both other admirals, then at Tali, and then finally lifts his own Omni-Tool. Shala'Raan checks her 'Tool for the result. 

"Tali'Zorah, in light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict. You are cleared of all charges." Tali squeaks and squeezes my hand so hard it almost hurts. "Commander Shepard, please accept these gifts in appreciation for taking the time to represent one of our people." 

"With all due respect, Admiral," I shake my head, "I didn't represent one of your people. I represented one of mine." 

I can see it makes all of the admirals uncomfortable and that makes me even happier that I said it. "So you did, Shepard," Admiral Gerrel agrees. 

"This hearing is concluded," Shala'Raan announces. "Go in peace, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Keelah se'lai." The room repeats the phrase back to her and once again, as the room starts to clear, we pause and stay together. 

"I can't believe you pulled that off," Tali sighs deeply. "What you said...I've never had anyone speak like that on my behalf. Thank you for being there for my father and me, even when..." She shakes that off. "Thank you." 

"You sound disappointed," I tease. "We can still go back and get you exiled if you want." 

She laughs. "Thanks, but I'm fine with things like this. It's fun watching you shout." 

"Agreed," Garrus chimes in. I narrow my eyes at him even though he can't see it, my concern about his shoulder growing since he's holding it again. He drops his hand, aware that I'm watching it. I'll deal with him later. 

"Come on, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." I put my arm around her shoulder and start out of the garden plaza. "Let's go back to our ship." 

"Thank you, Captain," she replies, leaning heavily into my side. 

When we reach the courtyard, Shala'Raan waves us over. Tali looks at me for approval and I nod, releasing her. We can't be that rude, not now that Tali is going to remain part of the Migrant Fleet. 

"The admirals thought they were hobbling Tali by forcing you to represent her, Shepard. I'm glad they were wrong," Shala'Raan says to me. She turns to Tali. "You didn't mention survivors. Did you find Rael, Tali? I'm sure he would have left you a message if he'd had time." 

Tali just sniffs, still too emotional about that to answer. Garrus pulls her into a hug, and I step in. "We found Rael's body. He did leave a message for Tali." 

"I can only imagine how horrible this is for you, child," Shala'Raan offers, taking one of Tali's hands, "but at least you got to hear your father tell you he loved you."   
I wince and can see Garrus tense, but Tali just nods. "Yes. Thank you, Admiral." That's probably easier than explaining the truth, so I don't blame her. 

"Good luck on your mission," she says. "No matter how dark it gets, the Fleet is always with you. Keelah se'lai." 

We start to walk away from her, and then Garrus laughs before tugging both of us in another direction. "I just spotted someone we must say hello to." 

I follow his gaze and laugh as well when I spot none other than Kal'Reegar in full marine gear, leaning casually against a wall. I've never had a thing for a Quarian, but this one is objectively attractive. Good for Tali. 

Who is trying to run. 

Fortunately for us - unless you ask Tali - Kal'Reegar spots us first and approaches slowly. "Nice talking, Shepard. Funny how it takes a commander to remind admirals about military honor." 

"Adding 'Quarian lawyer' to my resume," I joke. "Good to see you, Kal'Reegar." 

"And you." He shakes Garrus's hand, and then nods to Tali. The most awkward nod I've ever seen. "Glad they're off your back. And that you didn't have to give them the evidence you found on the Alarei." 

Tali cocks her head. "I didn't say anything about finding evidence, Kal." 

"Noticed that, Tali," he replies, voices suddenly deeper and a whole bunch sexier. Damn, go Tali. 

"Any idea what your next assignment is going to be?" Tali must be onto me because she throws her elbow into my side. 

Kal'Reegar either doesn't notice or doesn't comment. "I'm going to be escorting more techs around to look for signs of dark energy build up. Maybe see if they can figure out what's causing it. Wherever they send me, it'll have to be less exciting than Haestom." 

Tali's responding giggle is hands down the girliest, sweetest giggle I have ever heard from her. I have to catch myself before I bust out laughing. I deserve Tali's elbow in the ribs for that one. 

"What's your take on the war?" Garrus asks. He sounds serious even as he's poking Tali in the side and making her giggle again. She is going to freak out on us when she recovers from today, and it will be worth it. "Are the admirals going to try to retake the homeworld?" 

"I won't shy away from a fight, but if the admirals throw the Fleet at the Geth, all they'll get back is scrap metal." It's instantly sobering for all of us. We kept the Fleet safe today and we're doing our best against the Reapers, but the Quarians have an exceptionally shaky future. 

We're forced to part from him and say our goodbyes. If Tali accuses me of physically shoving her into a hug with Kal'Reegar, I'll deny it, but I am not sorry or ashamed. And neither of them is sorry either judging by the length of the hug. God, they're cute. 

I hear them mumble something about calling each other, and as we walk away, I lean into Tali and murmur, "If you don't call him, I will have Garrus hack your 'Tool, and I swear I'll send him sexy texts from you." 

"You're the worst," she snaps at me in a whisper. All I can do is laugh. And I will totally follow through on the threat. 

Admiral Gerrel is nearby, so we gather ourselves into the professional soldiers that we are, then approach him. He bounces onto his toes lightly which has to be a good sign. "You called us out on the carpet there, Shepard," he greets us, nodding at me. "And you were right. Thank you. Tali shouldn't have been involved in that argument." 

He steps a little closer, and before he says a word, I know what he's going to say. "Tell me, though, honestly," he mutters. "What did you find over there. You spoke well, but I know a feint when I see it." 

That's not my call, so I look to Tali. She considers it for a second and then nods. Thank God the decision wasn't left up to me again; I'm done making big decisions today. 

"Off the record?" I warn him. "Rael'Zorah was bringing the Geth online and networking them for weapons tests." 

"Keelah!" he breathes, bringing a hand to cover his mouth. 

Tali grabs his arm. "You can never tell anyone, Han." 

"You have my word," he promises, shifting to catch her hand for a brief squeeze. "Thank you for keeping that quiet. That would have hurt what your father wanted for the Fleet. I'm just glad you didn't have to pay for his mistakes." He pats her shoulder again. "Be well, Tali. Fly safe." 

We say our goodbyes to him and move away, heading for the Normandy. Until we spot Admiral Koris. I really want to avoid him, maybe flip him off on the way. "Someone will notice if we avoid him, won't they?"

"Yeah, but we can't get in trouble for it now," Garrus replies. 

"I want to rub his nose in it," Tali announces. 

"Well, that's good enough for me. Let's do it." 

We approach Admiral Koris, and when he spots us coming, he dismisses the people he was talking to and turns to greet us. "Very impressive, Shepard. Thank you for your help on the Alarei. And thank you for helping Rael'Zorah's daughter. You stood for her when we failed. We were wrong to let our own concerns about the war overshadow Tali's trial." 

I blink, pretty damn surprised about how sincere he sounds. He actually cares about Tali. But he cares about the Geth too, and that makes him someone I want to keep an eye on in the coming years. It may be Koris and his philosophy that saves the Quarian. 

Tali is eager to go to Admiral Xen all of a sudden, and I don't blame her, but I wait for them to get a step away before turning back to Koris. "The galaxy needs more people saying what you're saying, Admiral. Good luck." 

This time, I can tell he's the surprised one. "Thank you, Commander." 

I leave him and catch up with Admiral Xen who also has to dismiss people to talk to us. I hope I'm never someone who gets regularly dismissed because someone else is somehow more interesting to talk to. "Very impressive speech, Commander Shepard. But tell me truly: did you recover any of Rael'Zorah's research on the Alarei?" 

"Nothing that will help you, Admiral," Tali jumps in. 

"Pity. Ah, well. Whatever is created can be recreated." She looks back to me. "I greatly enjoyed seeing you call out the other admirals on their politicking. And I am pleased Tali was not exiled." 

"I hope your people find a solution that is not a devastating war with the Geth," I offer. 

"As do I, Commander. As do I." 

We're free to go from there, and we head back to the Normandy - home for all of us, in name and our hearts. Joker lets us in and then takes off quickly like he knows Tali needs to be away from this place and the memories here. Or maybe EDI told him. Either way, it's what we need. It's what Tali needs, and that's what I'm going to do. 

"Hey." I pull off my helmet on the way to the elevator, Garrus doing the same. "Come upstairs with me. Let's break into my private stash, drink too much, maybe cry a little." 

"Can we watch something with a lot of explosions, too?" Tali asks, eager. This is why we make for such good friends. 

"Have we met? Of course we can." 

She laughs and then looks at Garrus. He narrows his eyes playfully. "Don't worry, I'm not planning on crashing this. I just want a shower and then I'm sure I can find something to calibrate to stay out of my own bedroom." 

"I don't watch Blasto with him anymore anyway, he's so rude," I tease. I get narrowed eyes too but Garrus can't hold that for long with me, and he breaks into a sweet grin. God, he's beautiful. Definitely beautiful enough that a big part of me wants to get into the shower with him, but Tali is my priority right now. And she absolutely deserves to be. 

Garrus tugs me in for a kiss as soon as we walk through our doors while Tali is distracted by scooping up Monster and squealing over him. His mouth lingers against mine and I let myself melt against him, trusting him to hold me up. "I'm so tempted to drag you into this shower with me," he purrs, brushing his plates against my lips and sending tingles down my spine. 

"I'm so tempted to let you," I admit. "But we'll just have to make up for the lost time later." 

His smile grows. "Mmm I like that idea. There's some rope down in Engineering. I think I'll make good use of that." 

Those promises make my heart skip, they still take my breath away with fear, but they make me more excited, more turned on than ever. Heat rushes right to my core, and I slump even heavier against him, which Garrus loves of course. He kisses me soundly and then bumps his forehead against mine; it's a promise for intimacy and orgasms all in one. 

"I'll gladly accept the rope if you see Chakwas before calibrating any damn thing."

He growls but nods to agree and kisses me briefly. 

I have to let him go, much as I don't want to, and Garrus throws me a wink before heading into the bathroom for a shower. I stop by the bar for a bottle of whiskey that Tali and I can share without danger, snagging a sterilized straw for her that I keep up here just for this purpose, and then join Tali and Monster on the couch. Moments later, we have blankets and pillows and a purring kitten and a low-budget movie with bad CGI and even worse acting. Plus it's a romance. I only tolerate these things for Tali. 

I'm rescued from the entire movie within an hour and one glass of whiskey when Tali falls asleep. I tuck her in under a blanket and quickly text Garrus, warning him that he's not getting laid tonight with my best friend passed out ten feet away. And he's definitely not tying me up. He replies with the sort of sexy, teasing message only Garrus could pull off. Perfect. 

I end one hell of a mission and my night with my best friend finding her smile and some peace, and getting to feel like a very normal woman in love.


	41. Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS YEAR IS ALMOST OVER! Writing this, sharing with you, and reading your comments went a long way to making this year liveable for me. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy. Elle & Garrus are not nearly done.

Tali wakes up grateful and much more at peace than she has been. She's going to be mourning her father for a long time, but she'll be doing it among family and on her home ship. We'll take care of her. 

Garrus makes up for lost time in the morning, refusing to let me out of bed without making me cum first. I can't even pretend that I mind. Especially because we both need to get some work done after being gone all day yesterday. I spend the morning checking in with everyone while I'm sure Garrus is reacquainting himself with his favorite toy, the Thanix. EDI is chirping to him even on the elevator, something about a potential improvement to some system I don't understand, so the ship AI is encouraging his nerdiness. Again, no complaints. 

I take extra time on rounds after being off the ship for so long yesterday and maybe because I'm feeling a little nostalgic about my team today. Nothing interesting happened while we were gone, which is a real relief after the way Miranda and Jack were behaving. All of them were very worried about Tali, which is sweet, and I get the idea that she's going to get coddled for a while, especially by Ken and Gabby who work so close to her. I do absolutely nothing to discourage that. 

After grabbing lunch and dropping a tray off for Garrus, who won't eat if I don't, I finally check the emails Kelly is constantly telling me about. Most of them are old and not very important; Kelly has learned to tell me specifically if there's something I actually have to read. There's a message from Nalah Butler to me and Garrus including pictures of the baby's first birthday. Garrus already responded, gushing over the baby. My poor ovaries can't handle much of that.

A message from Admiral Xen of the Migrant Fleet titled 'A Pleasure to Meet You' stands out. It also gives me a bad feeling immediately, but I open it anyway.

Shepard vas Normandy,  
I've been digging through the Alarei. Just wanted you to know that I did find a few things from the experiments Rael'Zorah was conducting. Had you shared them with me, humanity might have reaped the benefits. Instead, once my own experiments are complete, you and your people will watch from a distance as the Quarian people reclaim not just their homeworld but the largest synthetic army in the galaxy. Rael'Zorah's death will not have been in vain. I will complete what he started.  
Cordially,  
Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh

I almost laugh at 'largest synthetic army in the galaxy.' The Geth are a force, sure, but they're nothing compared to the Reapers. And they worship the Reapers! If the Quarians have any misconceptions about who they're going to need help from when the Reapers do come, they'll be resolved soon enough.

I immediately hate myself for that thought. It's been a long, frustrating, uphill battle to get anyone to listen to me - to us - about the damn Reapers, and sometimes it wears on me. But I don't want anyone to suffer when they do come, no matter what they're saying about us right now. 

Just before I log out, a message comes in from Admiral Hackett. He wants me to call him immediately and in private, and I send a quick message back, promising that I'm on my way to my quarters right now. Hackett asks me for a lot - enough that the crew, and especially Garrus, comment on it often. He might take advantage of me, but he's the most highly decorated admiral in the entire Alliance Navy, and he trusts me, so I really don't mind. Especially not while working with Cerberus. But Hackett has never asked me to call him, so I'm on edge the moment I start the video call to him.

"Commander," he begins, appearing from his shoulders up i. "Thank you for your time. I'll keep this brief. We have a deep cover operative out in Batarian space. Name's doctor Amanda Kenson. Dr. Kenson recently reported that she found evidence of an imminent Reaper invasion."

And now Admiral Hackett has my full and undivided attention.

Hackett has personally supported me and our mission just as much as Anderson has. They believe me because they know me and respect me, even if the Council and the rest of Alliance leadership isn't so sure. But Hackett hasn't been able to give me any Reaper-specific missions; he actually apologized to me for that back when the Council was sending me on random Geth hunts before I died.

This is the first time Admiral Hackett has brought the Reapers up to me in an official capacity. I'm not sure if I'm excited or anxious. But I'm also not at all familiar with this operative, and Hackett knows I have a mission of my own.

"It sounds like Dr. Kenson is onto something. So why call me?"

"Just this morning, I received word that the Batarians arrested her," he tells me. "They're holding her in a secret prison outpost on terrorism charges. I need you to infiltrate the prison and get her out of there. As a favor to me...I'm asking you to go in alone."

Well, shit. This is about the last thing I expected in every way. He's not even here, not even aware of this, and I can already hear Garrus's reaction to the suggestion I break into a secret Batarian prison on my own. I'm going to need a lot more information and at least a little convincing.

"What is Dr. Kenson actually doing out there?" If the Batarians have any legitimate reason to charge her with terrorism, I am not going to rescue her. Terrorists deserve worse than prison.

"She's a deep-cover operative, Shepard. We talk only when we have to. But she was investigating a rumor of a Reaper artifact in the system. Her last report said she found it."

"I thought the Alliance was officially denying the Reaper threat. That must be some proof she found." I hope I kept at least most of the pettiness out of my voice. They couldn't send me on missions for Reaper proof, so much that they drove me to accept an offer from Cerberus when I came back, but this Amanda Kenson is allowed?

Hacket wisely chooses not to respond to my attitude and continues explaining. "Kenson's team found an artifact in Batarian space. She believes it's a Reaper device, proof that the Reapers are indeed planning to invade."

"Sovereign wasn't proof, though," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Shepard." He says my name in the way Anderson does often, like a tired father. I'm tired too though. "You know I've done what I can to support you. Why do you think anyone was looking for information on artifacts in the first place? I've known her a long time. If she says she has proof, it's worth checking out."

"What else can you tell me about the operative?" I press.

"Amanda's a top scientist and Alliance agent. She's worked in Batarian space for years. It's a deadly assignment, and she's one of the few up to the challenge." Okay, maybe I do like this Amanda person. "She and I go back pretty far, Commander. I won't let her rot away in a Batarian torture camp."

Fair enough. And if it's Reaper-related, it doesn't matter how annoyed I might be, this is something I have to look into. But alone?

"I'll make this a priority," I promise. "But why am I going alone? I have a hell of a squad with me, and they're not going to be happy about this."

"Kenson is my friend," Hackett says. It sounds almost like a confession. "If the Batarians see a squad of armed soldiers, they'll kill her. This is serious, Commander. Go in with discretion or don't go at all."

I get it. This is a rescue mission; the objective is getting Kenson out in one piece, and that's going to require going unseen, unheard, and unknown for as long as possible. That's three times as hard with three people as it would be with just one. Of course, explaining that to my extremely overprotective fiance is going to be a challenge. But I have to do this.

"I'm in. I'll take care of it."

Hackett nods. "The prison is hidden underground in a Batarian outpost on Aratoht. I'll upload the coordinates now. Once Dr. Kenson is secure, confirm her discovery. We'll debrief you when you're back. Hackett out."

We need to get on this quickly. Dr. Kenson is in prison with a hostile race holding her there; if I don't get there as soon as possible, she could end up dead. Or worse. And as much as I might be ashamed to admit it's more important, if she has honest proof of a Reaper invasion, that's more important.

Hackett used the words 'imminent invasion.' Kenson thinks the Reapers are coming now, and I need to find out why.

"Joker, did you hear any of that?"

"Uh...yeah, Commander. We're going to Aratoht?" he replies, hesitant.

"We're going to Aratoht," I confirm with a sigh. "Nothing about this is going to be fun. Where is Garrus?"

"Main Battery, but he's on a call with his dad. He knows you were on with Hackett and wants you to come down when you're done," he tells me. 

Oh, good. So Garrus will be in a horrible mood when I have to tell him terrible news. That's going to make all this just so much worse. Hopefully he and his dad are having their normal arguments about his life choices - namely me - and it's not anything new for Garrus to have to digest. I'm going to need all the help I can get. 

The doors open to the Main Battery, and I'm greeted with silence. For a moment, I don't think he's here at all, and then a clanging sound echoes from the back of the Battery. It's followed by a stream of curses in a language I don't speak and my translator doesn't recognize which either means it's either very old or very dirty. And then my Omni-Tool starts chiming. Garrus's face pops up on my 'Tool right before Garrus himself pops up out from around the Thanix, frowning. 

"When did you get here?" he asks, ending the call while I ignore it on my end so the ringing stops. 

"Around when you were hitting the equipment and doing something that sounded like swearing at it in a language I don’t know." 

He huffs out a laugh and runs his hand back over his fringe. "It's actually a prayer for strength from the Spirits. I'm sure it's abused in the way I was just using it but..." He shrugs. "It's kind of the only time I pray. The Spirits probably do not like me." 

"Well, the Reapers don't like me, so we're quite a pair here," I tease him. I'm equal parts worried about him and whatever happened with his dad to bring on this level of frustration, and worried about me because of the news I now have to deliver to a pissed off Garrus. "What happened with your dad?" 

He growls and turns away, running his hand over his fringe again. He tosses the wrench he was holding into a crate, and it lands with a violent crash. "Oh, ya know the usual. I'm a disgrace and he's coming to the Normandy." 

He may as well have thrown the wrench at me considering how hard that particular bit of news hits. 

"Oh. Oh, that...well, that can't be good, can it? Do you know why he's coming?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm so that I don't add to the total freak out Garrus is already going to have about this. Not that I can blame him. This isn't how I imagined meeting my future father-in-law. "Oh, crap, do you think this is because we got engaged?" 

Garrus turns back to me, opening his mouth but not saying anything. And he doesn't have to say a word. It's written all over his face. 

"You haven't told your family yet. Right." Something cold and gross slips through my gut, weighing me down in an instant. I hate it. 

"Hey, no, it's not like that," he breathes, reaching out and taking my hand. He pulls me close slowly, giving me a chance to pull away and letting me lean heavily against his chest. I rest my forehead against his carapace, and Garrus holds the back of my head. "I want to tell my mom and sister in person. I can't tell my sister before anyone else because she has a big mouth. We told the crew, our family; that's what matters most to me."

"It's okay," I assure him. "I know it's...complicated. I'm sorry, I don't have any business getting upset about that." 

"It matters how you feel, my love. Believe me, I want them to know, too." I tilt my head back, and Garrus smiles before leaning down to kiss me gently. We both linger, his hand cupping my jaw softly, neither of us ready to break the contact. But we both know that we have to continue having this conversation. More than Garrus realizes, in fact. 

"You really have no idea why he's coming?"

Garrus shakes his head. "I know my mother is starting her medical trial on the Citadel this week, and I've been calling home more often to try and push him to talk to me but...he hasn't. We haven't spoken in...weeks. He's forbidden Solana from calling - " 

"Which of course she still does," I note. At least that makes him smile. 

"Well, yeah, she's loyal. But she has to do it at work. And that still doesn't explain why he's coming here - all the way to the ship. He could just ask me to come back to the Citadel when my mom is there, you know?"

I just nod. I have other theories, but none of them are good, and I don't need to burden Garrus with any of that. I also don't really need to disparage his father when we haven't meant. Unless... "Garrus, you know that if he's an ass to you, I'm going to lay him out." 

Garrus laughs and kisses me again, pulling me up onto my toes this time. "I'm not going to stop you. And I'm not going to promise he won't be an ass to me or to anyone else. Hopefully we can figure out what he wants and get him out of here soon. Any chance we could head back in the direction of the Citadel to get him moving in the right direction?"

"Uh, actually..." I take a breath and steady myself, setting my feet a shoulder width for a little balance. Physical, if not emotional. "You knew that I was on with Hackett, right?"

"Oh, yeah." Garrus steps back a little and leans on the console, giving me space but not totally letting go of my hand yet. I love that he wants to hold onto me - even if it's just my fingers - when he's upset or frustrated. "He sending us on another mission for the Fifth Fleet? I'm convinced he'll be lining up missions for this crew decades from now." 

"You're right, but this mission is different. It's big. And it's actually relevant to our mission." 

Now Garrus is completely focused, and he crosses his arms over his chest as a signal that he's in business mode. I appreciate it, but considering what I have to tell him, I really wish he was still holding my hand. 

"There's an Alliance operative undercover on a Batarian planet, Aratoht. She was captured and is being held in a secret underground Batarian prison. Dr. Amanda Kenson. She found what she says is a Reaper artifact with proof of an impending invasion. The Alliance wants her out of the prison, of course, and we want that artifact even more than they do." 

"Oh, wow, this is big." Garrus shakes his head, taking that in. "If we find proof, the Council won't be able to keep denying us. And the Alliance could help keep the Collectors away from those human colonies." 

"Yeah, but it won't matter if it ends up with the Batarian Hegemony after they torture and murder Kenson. She needs to get out of there." 

"And the Alliance going in heavy to get her out will cause an intergalactic incident." 

"Exactly." It's a blessing he understands that. Even if it makes me feel a little gross knowing I'm about to use it against him. "Which is why Hackett asked me to go in and get her. Alone." 

Garrus starts nodding before I finish, and then freezes so completely and so abruptly that it would be funny if it didn’t feel like standing on a precipice. I don't say anything else, letting it sink it. I don't know what else I could say anyway. 

After a silence that goes on long enough to choke me, Garrus finally blinks and looks at me. "He...what? He asked you to go down to a Batarian planet and stage a high-risk rescue mission from a prison alone? You know, I was just starting to think that I actually like that guy. Now I think he might get along with my father." 

I force myself not to wince at that. Hackett is not at fault here. 

"That's not fair." I say it cautiously, trying to avoid throwing this into the fight we're about to have. "Hackett would have the entire Fifth Fleet down there if he could, but you just said that you understand why he can’t. We need silence and as much stealth as possible. If things go sideways, we need as little collateral damage as possible." 

Garrus balks. "Little? You think that things going sideways where they involve you would only create a little collateral damage? Even if we're strictly talking professionally, who the hell would lead the charge against the Reapers if you were in a Batarian prison right alongside this operative? Shepard, this mission might be reckless altogether, but going alone would be foolish. He has to accept an alternative." 

I take a breath and brace myself before speaking. "He's not going to. I didn't ask him to, really. I'm going." 

Silence falls so heavy, so thick, I wonder for a second if the entire ship died. All the oxygen has been sucked out of the Battery; instead of the atmosphere between Garrus and I being charged and full of life, it's still and as silent as the Turian standing in front of me. I watch anger flash through his eyes and hold my breath, prepared for the explosion to come. Accepting it. I have to let my breath out eventually, and he still hasn't moved or said a word.

And then that anger morphs into something much worse. Garrus's impossibly blue eyes fill with a pain that echoes in my own chest. It's the look of someone who has been betrayed and abandoned, and I recognize it because I've seen it on him before. 

He doesn't manage to hide or squash it, even as he straightens up. "So you came here to inform me of the mission and nothing more. Understood, Commander. Excuse me." 

Leaving the professional brush-off in his wake, Garrus marches out of the Main Battery. I watch his retreating back until the doors of the Battery close automatically, and then it hits me in a rush. I'm knocked down onto his cot by the force of his abrupt departure. 

I was expecting a fight. I could have handled a fight. But this...I don't know what to do with this. 

I have to fix this, but I also have to complete this mission. We need to rescue that operative, and we need to get the artifact she found. Putting my career first cost me Garrus once. I've promised both of us that I won't let that happen again, and that's a promise I intend to keep even now. 

I go after him. 

*******

I have to hope Garrus is upstairs because that means we have a chance to talk before reaching Aratoht tomorrow. If he's hiding from me, he's going to need more time, and that means longer with him angry while we're barreling toward a bad mission.

Monster greets me in the hall outside our quarters when I step off the elevator, and I hold the door to the elevator open to let him on. "I hope you're not abandoning your dad. Actually, I hope he's not kicking you out. Just go find your aunts and behave."  
The kitten chirps at me, and I have no doubt he understands.

I brace myself before walking into our quarters. I could find a Turian enraged, pacing the room and ready to throw things. I could find Garrus back in the darkness, terrified and alone. Knowing Garrus, I could also find him turned on and eager to punish me. I know where my vote lies, even if it's probably the one that makes me the most anxious, too.

Instead of any of those, I find him sitting at the end of our bed, his feet bare and planted at shoulder width. I notice his belt sitting on the bed beside him, and my mouth goes dry, but I'm most focused on the visor in his hands. He never takes it off unless we're having sex or sleeping and even then, I almost always have to take it off of him or at least remind him.

I cross the room silently and sit beside him, watching his thumb graze over the names engraved on the arm of the visor. His dog tags - well, mine - are sitting outside his shirt, but that doesn't surprise me; it's like a safety blanket for him. But I have no idea what the visor and the tags in combination like this means.

"You're going to wear my visor on Aratoht," Garrus informs me. "I'll teach you how to use it, and we'll practice before we land. I'm going to connect the feed to the ship so I can see everything, and we can talk. I won't..." He exhales hard. "I won't fight you on it or try to stop you, but I need this from you."

"Of course," I agree immediately. "That's...I think it's a really good idea. I don't want to be down there without you, Garrus. This will make me feel a lot safer."

"Don't patronize me."

"Hey. Have I ever?"

He takes another breath and then shakes his head. "No, I...I'm sorry." He puts his hand on my lap, palm up, and I accept it, tangling our fingers. "I don't like this. And I don't give a fuck about loyalty to the Alliance; as far as I'm concerned, they betrayed you when you died, and I will never forgive that. But I know why you're loyal to Hackett, and I know that this is about the Reaper mission."

"It is about the Reaper mission, even more than Hackett. And someone's life is in danger, Garrus, you know I have to help."

"Sometimes I wish you weren't so good a person," he confesses, shaking his head a little. I laugh, relieved that this conversation is going very differently than I thought it would, and resting my head on his shoulder. Garrus shifts to wrap his arms around me and uses the hold to pull me onto his lap, resting his forehead on my shoulder. "I'm not going to like this. But I respect you, and I have your six however I can. Can that be enough?"

"It's more than enough," I promise, hugging him around the shoulders and kissing his forehead. "I don't want to leave you, Garrus. I have every intention of coming home, and we'll only be better prepared to take on the Reapers. I love you."

"I love you, too," he breathes. He winces and adds, "So much." I kiss his forehead again, and Garrus lifts his head to catch my mouth for another kiss. A hot spark rushes down my spine when his tongue slips along my bottom lip. "What do you need to be doing right now?"

"Nothing but you."

"Good answer. Stand."

It's an order, and I don't hesitate to follow it. My eyes move back to his belt immediately, until Garrus shifts to unzip his pants. "You made me a promise after Grunt to start talking to me before making decisions like this, but you promised Hackett without saying a word to me." Garrus looks up at me, impossibly blue eyes piercing. "What do you think you deserve for breaking a promise to me?"

"Not you," I answer honestly, meeting his gaze.

"Don't make me add shit talking yourself to the punishment, kid," he warns, voice dropping into his dangerous register. He lifts the belt, making sure I see it. "Tell me how many you think you deserve. You will get spanked no less than the number of times you suggest, but if I think it's too low, I'll double it."

A shudder rocks through my entire body, my breath slipping from my lungs as my mouth goes dry.

"Wait," he warns before I can even begin to think of an answer. "Go get the plug and the lube from the drawer. Think about it on the way back to me."

Holy...

Garrus waits, just staring at me. I know that he'll wait me out forever just as well as he knows that if I didn't want this, I would have said no already. I'm pretty sure he's upping the ante today strategically, knowing that I'm stressed out about his father and about tomorrow. He's giving me an opportunity to let all of that go while also making sure we both understand I shouldn't have made this agreement with Hackett without Garrus. 

And he's right. It has nothing to do with my role as commander and everything to do with my place as his partner.

I want to prove to him that I understand and that I'm sorry for it, but I also want to relieve some of the weight on my shoulders even if it's just for a little while. Tomorrow, I am heading into one of my nightmares, back to captivity. I know what being in a cage is like, and I have to get Dr. Amanda Kenson out of hers. And if I fail, we'll never know what she found that makes her sure the Reapers are coming. I cannot fail, and I cannot get help, no matter how badly this particular mission makes me want to curl up in a ball.  
The only thing that could lift this stress is Garrus when he slips into his role of my Dom. And so I move quickly to the table at my side of the bed, pull out the little black plug and the bottle of lube, then return to start between his legs.

"Thank you," he replies, accepting both. He stands, forcing me to take a step back, and pulls his shirt off. I let my gaze trail the tattoos exploding over his carapace and then down his abs. "How many?"

My gaze snaps back up to his. I want to yank his pants down, I want to tear off all my clothes, but I won't do any of that until I get his okay. I have to clear my throat to find my voice. "I broke a promise by telling Hackett I would go without talking to you first. But the rules are communication with words and honesty about how I feel. So...since I didn't technically break a rule...six."

Garrus considers it for a moment, but I see his grin immediately and know I made the right call. He nods. "Very fair. Good girl. Now go over to the desk, pull your pants down but don't take them off, and bend over."

There's no hesitation this time. It takes all my control not to run across the room, but I still walk quickly and bend over. I might even wiggle a little for his benefit. Garrus follows, running his hand up my spine with an appreciative growl. I can feel my thighs growing wet, heat sparking across my skin in anticipation with my biotics tingling under the surface.

I hear him pop open the lid to the lube but I can't see or feel his hands. I know he's getting the plug ready, but I still jump when it presses against my ass. "Mmm, easy. After you get spanked, I'm going to take you hard and fast. I don't want you to cum. If you can wait, I'll let you cum when I take the plug out later." He leans over my back and whispers near my ear, "I promise I'll make it worth it."

Normally, nothing frustrates me more than when he makes me wait. And few things get me as hot as Garrus spanking me, really. He's aware that this is torture. But that promise is enough to get me drooling.

Garrus slips the plug snugly into my ass, the fit firm and tight and intrusive but not nearly as uncomfortable as it used to be. It's even more pleasurable now than it used to be, too. "Elbows to palms, flat. Count."

There's no pause between the order and the sharp, hot sting of leather across my ass. It's different from his hand, and I don't think that's just because it's harder. The heavy, solid leather makes the pain feel deeper than when he just uses his hand. It's better and worse all at the same time, and it makes me curious what other things might feel like when used this way. What the hell has he done to me?

Garrus brings the belt down after each time I count, giving me a little longer than usual between swats and rubbing his hand gently to soothe the sting after the third. But he doesn't let up or let me off the hook, and I appreciate it because also by the third, my headspace has completely shifted. I lose the ship, the mission, all the stress, absolutely everything riding on my shoulders. Nothing exists beyond me and Garrus, this punishment, and the promises of what's to come.

I lose myself in the moment and the mindset. All I am is Garrus's _perfect little slut._

"Six," comes out in a breathy half-sob. Tears are pouring down my face, my ass and the top of my thighs are ringing, my legs are screaming at me to fall down, and my clit is throbbing with need.

Garrus snarls as he strokes inside me, filling me so hard that his plates hitting my ass is like a seventh slap. "That's my girl," he purrs. And then all the pain erupts in pleasurable waves, nearly sending me over the edge before he ever moves inside me. "Don't cum, baby, hold out." I can tell he wants it to be an order, but his voice is full of affection, and his hands are gentle when they coast up my back to take my shoulders.

He strokes into me again, the impact of his hips on my ass searing my skin. I can't help the yelp that escapes me, and Garrus freezes. "It's okay," I breathe. The last thing I want is for him to stop.

"Hush." Garrus pulls out and takes hold of my hair. Before I can object any further, he pulls me away from the desk and guides me onto my knees. "Hands behind your back; I'm still taking you hard and fast."

The moment I'm in position, Garrus does just that. And even while he's fucking my throat and drool is pooling at the corners of my mouth and my eyes are watering, gratitude swells in my chest when I look up at him. He knew I was in a different kind of pain than either of us wanted, and he immediately fixed it. Even on my knees, my legs are getting relief, and the cool air across my ass is soothing even if the plug is awkward. And I still get the total joy of Garrus losing himself in me, my name erupting from his throat as he fills my mouth.

I'm still trying to catch my breath and swallow as much as I can when Garrus opens his eyes and looks down at me, his expression almost unbearably fond. "Spirits, Shepard. You look incredible." He sweeps his own cum off my bottom lip and offers it to me, letting me lick it from his finger, and then tugging my earlobe fondly. "Come here," he breathes, leaning down to help me up.

Garrus leads me to the bed and pulls out a bottle of water along with that cooling lotion. He opens the water, pushes it into my hand, and then turns me to face away from him while he sits on the bed. I take small sips because I know I'm supposed to and it helps, but I don't feel the crash coming. The lotion even makes me smile, his hands caressing me gently.

"I'm okay," I tell him, certain that he's anticipating the crash too. Normally by now I'd be crying at best if not full on sobbing in his arms.

"I still want you to go slow," he breathes, pulling me carefully onto his lap when he finishes. I nod and let my head fall against his shoulder. "Plug feel okay?"

"Weird as ever," I quip. He laughs and nuzzles the side of my head. "I'm not crashing. Is it weird that I think that's because I really needed this even more than usual? I was...so stressed out. I feel a lot better now."

"Me, too," Garrus breathes, squeezing me closer. "I needed that. I needed you."

I look at him. "You're still freaking out about tomorrow and Aratoht."

"I'll be freaking out about tomorrow and Aratoht until you come back from Aratoht safely, Shepard, that can't be helped. Bonding isn't always a good thing."

My shoulders fall, a weight falling onto me again. "That's probably especially true when you're bonded to someone who can't seem to help finding missions that involve walking into and through hell."

"Hey." He takes my chin in his hand to pull me to look at him. "You asked me before if I would take it back if I could. Baby, not even if I had to live through the hell of those two years on Omega all over again. Being bonded to you is the best thing that ever happened to me, no matter what else has happened."

"We're on a risky mission, and if something happens, you - "

"If something happens to you, I will be wrecked," he agrees before I even have to say that. "I can't sugarcoat it, and I'm not going to lie to you. And you can be damn sure I'm not going to roll over and take it; I'll do everything I can to protect you. But why do you think I'm planning a future with you, Shepard? If I was worried about our bond, that wouldn't be possible. You understand?"

I only realize that I started crying when I nod. Garrus smiles softly and wipes the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs, then pulls me close enough to lean his forehead against mine. "I don't want to hurt you. And obviously, I don't want to get hurt or die." 

"Oh, good," he laughs, rolling his eyes at me. "Now I can rest easily." 

A giggle escapes me, and I don't even hate that sound anymore. It used to embarass me, doing something so...I don't know, maybe girly? Innocent. Not soldier-like at least. None of the guys in N7 training had an inclination to giggle. But Garrus brings it out of me with absolute joy. He's made me feel secure even if I am girly and innocent in a way that none of my promotions, special training, and military skills ever could. So I giggle, and it makes his smile even wider. 

He sighs though and checks his Omni-Tool. "My dad's going to be here soon because of course he gave me next to no warning. We should shower. And we need to set an alarm so I can take that plug out in a little while." 

"Wait. Please tell me you're not thinking about making me meet your father with a plug in my ass." 

Garrus grins and stands, holding me in his arms and kissing me soundly. His smile when he pulls away tells me everything I need to know and sets my heart to racing. "You know what to say if you want out of it, my love. But you and I both know you like the challenge. And you'll love what happens when it comes out. Besides...I think you'll want the distraction." 

"Meaning you want me off focus so I miss at least some of the horrible things he says," I note, letting Garrus carry me into the shower. "Should I take my ring off or something? I mean, if you want to be able to tell your mom and not have your dad explode on the ship." 

Garrus laughs, putting me down on the sink while he turns on the water. "Engagement rings are a human tradition; he won't recognize or understand it. But, uh..." He offers a hand to help me off the sink and pulls me under the hot stream into his arms. He runs a hand over his fringe, making me nervous all over again. "He will know I bonded to you. Probably pretty immediately. And..." 

"And he's not going to like that at all," I finish, eyeing him. "You didn't think you should warn me about that earlier?" 

"When you were giving me all that warning about Aratoht?" he counters, reaching past me for my shampoo and his soap. "I'm giving you as much warning as I could; I told you right after speaking to him." 

"I..." Whatever had been building in my chest, maybe anticipation of a fight, deflates. "I know that. Of course you did, I'm sorry. I...I don't know why I snapped about that, really." 

Garrus takes a breath and pulls me closer. "We're both stressed. It's not like we don't have a lot going on." 

"Your dad really should be the least of our worries, all things considered," I note with a laugh. "But he's also kind of the wild card. We can fight the Reapers, not so much your dad." 

"I'd love to see you fight my dad, if I'm being honest. Guarantee you lay him out flay in minutes." 

I laugh and roll my eyes at him. "Maybe not the first time we meet, but I'm not ruling it out completely." Especially if he's as mean to Garrus as Garrus has always made him sound. I really hope I don't end up fighting his father. I also don't want to end up fighting Garrus. 

We each start washing ourselves, and I can't keep my eyes off him. That's not abnormal, he's outrageously sexy, but that's not what my mind is on today. We fight together, live together, we're best friends, and he's my partner. When stress gets bad, we're probably going to lash out at each other, and if the start of our lives together is any inclination for the future, there is a lot of stress ahead. 

"Garrus, I don't ever want serving together to end up pulling us apart," I tell him. Garrus freezes and gives me a look, probably startled by how sudden that must seem to him. "I just...I love serving with you. You know I need you on my team. But when it gets hard..." 

"Hey." Garrus brushes a wet curl behind my ear and tugs the lobe as his hand falls away. "Nothing is going to pull us apart. We would both go nuts if we couldn't know what was happening with the other during a mission. This is my father stressing us, not the mission. And believe me, it's a talent of his." 

I laugh and lean against him, letting my forehead fall against his chest. He runs his hands up my spine and then into my hair, pulling gently to tilt my head back. When he kisses me, it's soft and slow. He doesn't touch or kiss me anywhere else, and I only hold his carapace to keep myself on my feet. We part just as slowly and only because we have to, then quickly get dressed again. I wonder if anyone will notice we've showered in the middle of the day and pull my hair up so it's not as obviously wet. Besides, it's not like Garrus and I haven't been caught making out around the ship. I'm fairly certain Kelly would have watched him feel me up longer if we hadn't heard her. I'm not all that sorry I can't keep my hands off the guy. He's mine, after all. 

I choose N7 gear when getting dressed, avoiding anything with a Cerberus logo. I could go for no logo instead, but part of me wants to remind the guy that I'm not a chump. I'm the first and only woman ever to earn N7 status for the Alliance and the first human Spectre. The guy has a lot of problems with me without even meeting me, but I won't let him forget who I am. Especially not when I know how proud Garrus is of me. 

As we reach the CIC and step off, an alarm that I don't recognize goes off and startles me. "EDI what the hell is that?" I demand of the AI. 

"System failure," she announces. 

My stomach flops, but Garrus confidently asks, "Where? Get Tali, Ken, and Gabby on the comms." 

Suddenly, there's a rapidfire exchange of information that may as well be in another language over the comms. I hear something about an overload and the Main Battery just before Garrus steps back into the elevator. "Wait, what - " 

"General Vakarian's shuttle just arrived," Joker warns, piling onto the feeling of dread building in my chest. 

"Shit. Shepard, I need to check this out from the Battery," Garrus explains, reaching for my hand and squeezing my fingers. It pulls me out of the weird haze and back into reality when he's leaving me to greet his father alone. I can tell Garrus hates it, and he almost starts out of the elevator again, but then the alarm sounds again. 

"Garrus, now!" Tali calls over the comms. 

"It's okay," I assure him, getting my shit together in an instant. He's needed elsewhere on the ship, and I've handled worse than his father. "Go deal with that and then meet us when you can. I can go get your father and almost guarantee we'll both survive it." 

Garrus laughs but nods and steps back into the elevator, dropping my hand. "When he goads you, just remember I love you." It's exactly the boost I need before the doors shut, and I hear a different chime signaling that the shuttle is docked and ready. 

Castis Vakarian is here. 

I haul ass through the CIC so he's not left waiting at the airlock, and Joker is turned around in his seat to watch cautiously instead of actually turning his seat around. "You have to be polite, Joker, start getting your ass up now," I warn him, heading through the airlock. "Go ahead and open the doors, EDI." 

Moments later, I have to blink when I find myself staring at what looks almost exactly like a clone of my Vakarian. It's a very weird leap into the future. If Castis had a set of serious scars, eyes a little more impossibly blue, and a few years less on his plates, he could be Garrus's twin instead of his father. And if this is a glimpse into my future, I have a lot to look forward to. 

Minus the scowl. That scowl doesn't look at all like Garrus, and I could really do without it. 

"General Vakarian," I greet him, stepping forward and holding out a hand so he can take my forearm. "Commander Shepard. It's a pleasure." 

"We both know it isn't," he counters, tone flat and dry. He also doesn't even bother to glance at my hand, so I drop it. I should have seen that coming. "I assumed my son would come greet me." 

"He's assisting our engineering crew in managing a small emergency. He should join us shortly." 

Castis scoffs. "Surprised he didn't duck and run again. Maybe another two years in hiding." 

My fists clench instinctively, a need to defend him bubbling up, but before I can say a word, someone else says, "Dad! Don't start already please." Another Turian pops up beside Castis, grinning. Her plates are a soft pearl color, her eyes a golden brown, but the family resemblance is still strong - even if she didn't have those striking cobalt blue markings. Solana Vakarian. "And don't be rude to her. Spirits, you're even prettier than he said!" she chirps, nudging her father aside to stand in front of me.

"Oh, um...thank you," I fumble unsure how to take that other than to laugh a little. "Garrus talks about you all the time, I feel like I'd recognize you anywhere." 

"I'm sure most of what he said was a lie," she quips. I laugh and extend my hand to her, hoping for better results this time, but Solana pushes my hand aside and then yanks me into a hug. She's a head taller than me but still significantly shorter than her brother, and she can hug just as tight. "You have no idea how excited I am to meet you." 

I return the hug, grateful for her. Even Castis scowling at us can't bother me. Garrus said that his sister manages to light up rooms, and I see what he meant. 

"I'm sure you're even more excited to see your brother," I note as we part. "He'll be with us soon. Can I show you both around until he catches up?"

Castis just grunts, but Solana agrees with a smile. She tucks her arm through her father's to pull him along, following me. I start at the closest attraction, the cockpit and our grumpy as hell pilot. He's at least pulled himself out of the chair and greets both of them politely. Solana is engaging right off the bat, interested in EDI and the design of the ship; Joker cools his temper enough to tell a cheesy choke, and Solana is either polite enough to laugh or she might just belong around here as well as her brother does. Castis remains silent, and I choose to believe that's for the best. 

He becomes slightly more animated in the CIC, probably appreciating that it's familiar to Turian ships, but I hope he might be a little impressed, too. Kelly's face falls when he doesn't spare her a glance during introductions, but it's Solana to the rescue again. She can be just as bubbly as the yeoman, and I didn't know that trait was possible in Turians. I show them the Armory, Jacob not present, and then the comm room. 

"Cerberus is funding your ship, your mission, is that correct?" Castis asks. 

I was prepared for the question and the tone that comes with it eventually, so I think I manage to hold myself back from going tense. "Yes, they are. The Council and the Alliance refused to take the Reaper threat seriously and aren't intervening to protect the human colonies that the Collectors are targeting." 

"The colonies that aren't in Citadel space?" he replies, tucking his hands behind his back and staring me down. I can tell from his expression that this usually works. It reminds people of who they're talking to and how important he is. 

But Castis is from a species that doesn't treat women as anything less than equals with the same rights and expectations as everyone else. He doesn't realize that he's speaking to someone who has been expected to fold to men when they put on this power stance for their entire military career, more than a decade. He's sorely mistaken if he believes I have any compulsion to cower or submit. 

There's exactly one man I submit to, and he isn't in this room. 

"The colonies that left Citadel space because the Alliance consistently chooses not to recognize colony rights. I'm sure you know something about how that usually ends up, General Vakarian." 

I watch the jab about Turian failures and previous wars hit home, and Solana fails to cover a laugh behind a cough. Her father shoots her a glare, but before she has to defend herseful or backpaddle, the doors whoosh open. 

I'm kind of relieved that Garrus walking into a room is the same even if he's father is in that room and Garrus doesn't want to be in it. The air sparks to life in an instant, and I can feel him, even before I turn to look. I don't have to look to know he's the one who walked in or that his eyes fall on me immediately - though I turn to see that just because I can't help it. Impossibly blue eyes grace me for a second before moving to his sister, and I watch Garrus's entire body light up. 

"Baby Sol," he breathes, obviously as surprised by her presence here as I was. She squeals and dashes across the room, leaping into her brother and throwing her arms around his neck. Garrus catches Solana, almost small compared to him, and lifts her feet off the floor. "I didn't know you were coming." 

"How could I not?!" she replies. Garrus lets her down again but they only pull away to bring their foreheads together. I watch Garrus close his eyes and take a deep breath, pulling in his sister. I get it now, what he said about her being the light of his life. I can see it. 

By the time they part, my cheeks are hurting from the smile stretching my face. The ache is a good memory of the smile that slips almost immediately when Garrus turns to greet his father. Neither of them moves any closer to the other, leaving almost the whole room between them. There's a tension I can feel in the air now too, a coldness coming from both of them. 

It makes me feel gross. I know that Garrus has reason to be at odds with his dad, and I know that it's not really any of my business no matter what my relationship with Garrus is. But I remember being a teenager and constantly fighting with my parents...and then they were gone. I'd give anything to have them back. Especially now that my life is evolving. 

Beyond the Reapers, after we win - and we will - I'm going to have a family of my own...and they'll never know my parents, my brother. If Garrus and his father continue to drift apart, the rift between them now keeps growing, I'm worried that our family won't have his either. 

"Dad. Sorry I couldn't meet you both at the shuttle," Garrus offers, coming to me instead of his father. 

"Everything okay?" I ask, remembering the alarms only then. I trust the engineering team and Garrus to handle enough that I don't worry about much once they're managing a problem. 

Garrus gives me a cocky look and grins when I roll my eyes. He kisses my lips and then nips my throat lightly, holding me close. I knew he'd be open in front of his father, but it still surprises me that he's so obvious. It's a good surprise though, even when I can feel his father's scowl. Catching Solana's smile instead when I look up helps. 

"How much of the ship have you had a chance to see so far?" he asks his family. 

"We aren't here for a tour of the facilities," Castis snarks. 

"And how should I know that?" Garrus retorts. "You haven't seen it fit to tell me why you're here at all." 

I squeeze Garrus a little tighter around the waist, trying to ground and maybe warn him. I don't want him to start a fight...though I won't stop him from finishing one. 

"Mom is starting her treatments this week," Solana tells us, giving her father a warning look that she doesn't try to hide. And I can see it's effective from here, even without knowing either of them well at all. "The Salarians wanted to do the first round on the Citadel, just in case, and then she can transfer back home so long as it goes well. And Mom wants to see you. Both of you!" She's eying Castis even while talking to us. 

I look at him, too. From what I understand, he was pretty clear about Garrus not darkening the family doorstep for the time being. But he's here when he could have just chosen not to see Garrus, not to even let Garrus know that the family is on the Citadel. Maybe Garrus's mom going in for treatment is the push Castis needed since Garrus pushing and begging for weeks hasn't been enough. 

"I'm here to determine whether or not that's a good idea," Castis informs us, crossing his arms over his chest. It's hard to believe he hasn't already made a decision about that. 

"Professor Mordin Solus had a big role in getting Mom into that study," Garrus says, squeezing my shoulder as he keeps my secret. His family basically knows and put Garrus onto the secret first, but I don't need it confirmed. "He works in the Tech Lab next door. You should make a point of seeing him." 

"And I will," Castis agrees with a nod, eyeing me. He pauses, probably waiting for us to confess or for me to ask for gratitude; he's going to be waiting for a long time. "I also want to hear more about this Reaper threat and the Collectors. Your sister has shared what you told her, but I'd like to hear it for myself." 

That one surprises me. I can feel the same surprise in Garrus, but I know that he's just as eager about it as I am, too. General Castis Vakarian is not exactly small potatoes - not on Palaven, with the Turian Hierarchy, or with C-Sec and the Council. He's got an outstanding military record and reputation and is widely respected. It usually serves Garrus only in the form of pressure, but if we can get him talking about the Reapers on our behalf, we might actually make progress. And getting Palaven's military might behind us could be tremendous. 

One glance at Garrus tells me he's thinking the same. His father coming here may end up being a good thing for our mission. 

*****

One of my earliest memories of my father was during a race that he set me on against my older brother, Ephram. He's only three years older than me, as opposed to Dex's ten years, so we were almost constantly competing against each other. My father stoked and encouraged that competition into a rivalry that divided us; I've barely spoken to him at all in almost two decades, even though we were in school and served together for some of that. 

During that race when I was four, my father set up an obstacle course that I was too small to use. Ephram could jump over the barriers, and I could barely climb them. Needless to say, I fell behind pretty quickly. I remember being really upset about how unfair the race was, that I was never going to have a chance. My father told me that I shouldn't expect the galaxy to be fair to me and that I would have to be the best at whatever if I did if I ever wanted a chance. And then he beat me for losing. 

Ephram was allowed to watch the beating, and he laughed. I still haven't forgiven him for that. 

I never talk to my father about my life, about my job or my missions. I didn't tell him about my early selection into sniper training while I was in military school; Saren told him, and my father's response was that it was probably for the best because snipers didn't have to lead. I didn't tell him when I was promoted to lead an investigation unit for C-Sec, and when he found out from Chellick, he never bothered to say anything to me about it. He's never been proud of me, never even approved of me. 

So when he asks to hear about the Reaper mission, I can tell that Shepard is excited for the opportunity to get someone with pull on our side - probably especially someone with a powerful military at home. But I assume it's going to go poorly. I assume that because of my involvement, my father won't take it seriously and he'll find some way to degrade all the work we've done. 

The difference that I forgot or failed to account for is Shepard. 

The woman is exceptional. She presents all the data, evidence, and details that we have on the Reapers - Saren, the Geth, the Collectors, even the Krogan involvement that we've seen so far. She can't help but be passionate about the case; this is personal for all of us. But she's as compelling and charming as always. It feels impossible not to believe in something when Shepard is telling you about it. And my father, for all of his walls and stoicism and strength, is not immune to her.

He believes her. He believes us, and he understands the enemy facing all of us, the pressure on our shoulders, and the importance of what we're doing. He doesn't address me about it directly - Krogan aren't flying yet - but my father admits that he understands why we need to be on this mission. Why I need to be on this mission. I'm sure he still has concerns and questions and colorfully abusive language about the last two years, but for now and at least about this one thing...my father and I are on the same page. 

I should have known that if anyone was capable of pulling that off, it's Shepard. She's never gone a single day without surprising, impressing, or amazing me. 

And tomorrow...I'm sending her off to a hostile planet alone. The only thing I really have to hold onto, the only stabilizing effect on my sanity and my heart with the Normandy rapidly approaching Aratoht, is Shepard's promise to wear my visor and accept training with it. 

This visor will not only connect me with Shepard the entire time she's planetside, but it'll make me feel at least a little more convinced she'll be safe. One more tool can't hurt.

"Don't worry about the biofeedback features for other people," I tell her when we get down to the Cargo Bay for training in the simulators, adjusting the strap so that it'll fit more securely on her head. "I'll keep the feature on for your own bio stats, and I'm going to be reading those from the ship, but you shouldn't need to read for anyone else."

"You just don't want me to have one of your superpowers," she teases, green eyes glittering up at me. I narrow my eyes at her, which makes her giggle, and I have to fight my own smile off my face. "Where are you going to have all the feedback from the visor coming to the ship?"

"I'm connecting it to EDI, so technically anywhere on the ship."

Shepard looks over her shoulder to where the team is watching. She scans the whole ground squad. "Don't let him watch alone. I'm holding all of you responsible for that."

"Like any of us is going to be able to look away either," Tali replies with a scoff.

"Letting my battlemaster go to war alone goes against all my instinct," Grunt informs her, already rocking between his feet like he's ready to explode.

"See?" I chime in, poking Shepard in the waist even though she can't feel it through her armor. "I'm not the only member of your team on edge about this. That has to be proof I'm not overreacting."

"Yeah, you're not known for overreacting when it comes to me," Shepard snarks, rolling her eyes. I recognize the laugh from behind me as my sister's and throw a very rude signal over my shoulder. Shepard throws her head back and laughs. So glad she's making connections with my sister. "I don't need any of you overreacting about this," Shepard tells the team, pulling her commander mask back on. "We need whatever proof of the Reaper invasion we can get."

"And it won't be the first time you survived a mission on your own," Jacob notes.

"Exactly!" Shepard agrees pointing at him. "I promise this entire Batarian force doesn't measure up to that one thresher maw."

Thinking about that doesn't really make me feel any better - I'd rather not be reminded of how many times Shepard could have died before I ever met her - but it seems to relax the crew a bit. They're all well aware that we follow a hero and the most capable soldier in the galaxy, whether or not that hero wants to be recognized as such.

But none of the crew is bonded to Shepard so they have no idea what I'm going through. Or how much worse it's going to get tomorrow.

I get Shepard set into the visor and then walk her through some of the basic controls - the things that will help her aim, let her identify targets before she could see or hear them, thermal imaging and the like. Shepard is a quick learner, as always, so I set her up in a simulator with some of the crew. I start with Thane, our other squad sniper even if he doesn't get to show off often, so that Shepard has someone as a measuring post. I like to think she won't be getting into close-quarters battles alone, so I need her to be as prepared as possible to use her sniper rifle.

I watch from the sidelines with the crew, some of them moving off for other simulators or to spar for a distraction. Solana joins me immediately, along with Tali and Jack who also can't take their eyes off of Shepard at the moment. Jack might be watching me instead, and I don't want to think about that right now. 

When my father approaches, his arms crossed over his chest, Solana takes my hand and leans heavily against my side. I catch Jack's eyes and give her a warning look; I do not need her fighting with my dad tonight.

"I didn't realize Shepard was experienced with a sniper rifle," Tali notes. "She never uses it."

"That's because I'm always on the ground with her, but she got a sharpshooter certification during N7 training. It's not her favorite, but she knows what she's doing with it."

Jack laughs. "She barely needs you around at all, huh?"

I push her face away, making my baby sister giggle. I love Solana being here, getting to know the crew and getting to see me as part of them. I squeeze her hand and then release it to wrap my arm around her shoulders. It's been years since I was able to hold her but she feels and smells exactly as I remember, exactly like home. It's soothing as hell, and I'm not ashamed to hold her closer.

Shepard makes a great shot that Thane barely hit, and I smile when the two of them laugh while she teases him lightly for it. I can't help but glance at my dad, curious if he saw the shot and if he's impressed. He should be, but whether or not he's going to admit that is a different story. He's a proud and stubborn man. I choose to believe I'm nothing like him.

"Good shot, isn't she, Dad?" Solana asks, evidently reading my mind.

"Hmm. I wouldn't expect any less, given her reputation."

I close my eyes briefly instead of rolling them. Or smacking him. Solana squeezes me closer. At least he's not denying that he's heard of Shepard and what she's done. He can be pretty oblivious to anything outside Palaven and Turians, extending that bubble only to C-Sec and the Council, so it's significant in a way. Small victories with this man.

When I'm satisfied that Shepard has mastered the features of the visor and looks comfortable with her sniper rifle, I move her on to make sure she can read her own biostats and control the visor's features on the go. She's letting me make the calls, and I'm sure that's her effort to placate me, but I'm not going to complain. Especially because it's working.

Samara and Jack are on the line next, testing Shepard's defensive and offensive preparations. I won't let this training go on long enough to exhaust Shepard, and I'm sure Samara is already planning on leading Shepard in some meditation after, but Shepard's biotics could be the big difference between her skills and those of the Batarians. We'll need to balance getting her ready and getting her drained with this, though. 

It's impossible to keep my eyes off her. Shepard is a force, her movements fluid and graceful no matter how she's moving or what her attackers - real, simulated, or practice - are doing. She anticipates moves perfectly and is consistently a step ahead. Of course, I have personal experience with that one, the fiesty little redhead keeping me on my toes. Fighting by her side is always impressive, but I don't often get the opportunity to watch her this way. It really is only easing my anxiety a little, though. I care too much for this to be easy even if I know it's necessary and believe in her completely. 

"You're gonna have a heart attack before she gets back on board tomorrow," Solana notes, frowning up at me. I know it's concern and not judgment but I wish she wouldn't say things like that in front of my father, the man who considers any emotion a weakness. 

"I'll be fine." So long as she does get back on board tomorrow. 

"You are unusually on edge," my father muses. I can feel his gaze on me, probably examining the scars on the side of my face. Those scars and the color of our eyes are the only things physically we don't have in common. Well, that and I've been taller than him since I was sixteen. Much to his chagrin. "Do you not have faith in the abilities of your commander?"

My fists clench, and I have to breathe deeply through my nose to keep from shouting. "You know that I do. You also know that I care deeply for her." 

He just makes a thoughtful noise, and I refuse to look at him now. It won't take much for him to realize the truth about my relationship with Shepard; he's going to recognize the pheromones of a bonded Turian if I don't keep control of myself. I don't need to guess how that will go if he figures it out. In his eyes, it will prove every weakness he's ever suspected in me. 

Grunt has joined the sparring match, testing Shepard's barriers. He spots her weak spot seconds after I do, and the hit that he launches is hard enough to lift Shepard several feet off the ground before she comes back down hard. All the air is knocked out of my lungs at the sight of a massive, deadly Krogan standard over Shepard while she's on all fours and without a shield. My heart hasn't even restarted before Shepard makes the next move though, sweeping Grunts legs out with a biotic blast and then trapping him in a stasis field. Perfect. 

I've barely managed to breathe again when I hear my father breathe, "No." His tone is hard, stricken...he knows. "You bonded with her?" he demands, the boom in his voice echoing off the walls in the Cargo Bay and straight through my core. Ice flows heavy in its wake, the same horrified reaction he's always been able to trigger in me. 

Everyone heard him; it would have been impossible not to. My eyes dart to Shepard who is staring right back at me, open mouthed and frozen. She has no idea what to do right now, and I don't have answers for her. I know I'm not going to let my father blow up about this in front of her, though. Spirits only knows what he'll say. 

"Can we discuss this in private?" I ask in a tone that should make it clear I'm not asking. Without waiting for his response and without looking at him, I head for the elevator. My father is bound to have some opinions about Shepard that I don't need her to hear; the close-minded and old fashioned opinions of Castis Vakarian should never have space in Shepard's head. Whatever he says about me, I can handle. 

I take him to the Main Battery after briefly considering our quarters. Something about letting him disparage our relationship in the space Shepard and I have made sacred, the space where Shepard submits to me, feels dirty. Although I do sort of want Monster to freak him out a little. 

Once the doors shut behind him, I realize I have no idea what to say. No plan, no ideas. I hadn't intended to have this conversation now with him. Maybe not ever. I wanted to tell my mom about my bond with Shepard, about her promise to marry me. If my father happened to be there in that fantasy, fine, but I wasn't going out of my way to share good news with someone who would stomp all over it. Although looking at him now, I suspect it's me he'd like to stomp on. 

"Do you have a cigarette?" he blurts after several moments of awkward, tense silence between us. 

I almost laugh. Not what I was expecting. 

"Yeah. Didn't know you smoked." I grab the pack I keep in a crate near the edge of the room. They're not exactly hidden, I'm not a child or a liar, but Shepard made it clear she'd rather pretend not to know about this habit, so I keep them out of sight. 

"I've known you smoked since you were thirteen," he informs me, tone and expression dry. That could make me laugh too if he were anyone else. 

I offer him a cigarette and a light before taking one myself and leaning on the console. He sits down on the cot, frowning down at it as if the cot can help being so uncomfortable. I thank the Spirits again that I don't live in here anymore. 

"Who did you pick the habit up from, by the way? I've always wondered since I never smoked in front of you kids." 

"One of Dex's friends smoked, and I thought it looked cool," I admit with a laugh. If the way girls reacted to thirteen year old me with a cigarette is any indication, I was right and it does look cool.

My dad makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. "I would have thought it was yet another habit gained from Saren had I not known you didn't meet him yet." 

I take a breath, inhaling smoke and thick Main Battery air. "Pansexuality is not a habit, Dad." 

Yet another item on the endless list of the ways I've disappointed this man. If I were just sleeping with men, he wouldn't have a problem. He told me as much. It's the fact that I "can't choose," in his words, and I know sleeping with aliens is part of the issue. 

He looks up at me from the cot, brown eyes a soft color that is constantly at odds with his expressions and emotions. Nothing about Castis Vakarian is soft. "Your mother told me once that she expected you to end up with Nihlus. That would have been okay, you know. Not ideal, but an option." 

A laugh explodes from me before I can help it, but this one holds no trace of humor. It wasn't a secret that people thought Nihlus and I had something other than friendship going on. We were inseparable, 'tied at the fringe' as my mother called it fondly. An option...no. That would have been a disaster, even if we were attracted to one another. I would have hurt him, lost him years before he died. 

My heart clenches as the memory of his smile flashes through my mind. I loved him; before Shepard, he was the only person outside my family that I loved this hard. Nihlus was part of me. And my father thinks he would have been an option, though not the ideal one. 

Fuck him. 

"Yes, well," my father breathes, deciding wisely not to push for my thoughts on the subject. I can only hold my tongue for so long. "It seems not you've gotten yourself into quite the situation. Bonding, Garrus, really?" 

"You say that like I made a choice. You know as well as I do, better than most, that it's nothing I did on purpose. It just happened." 

"When?" I blink at him, and he repeats, "When? When did you know?" 

I shake my head and look away, using a drag on my cigarette as an excuse not to answer him immediately. I can't talk to him about Shepard's death; it would be even harder, even worse than talking about it with anyone else. 

He lets that topic go too and exhales hard before rising to his feet and pacing the length of the battery slowly. "Is she aware of the bond? Of what it means, of what it does to you?"

"As much as she can be," I answer honestly, choosing not to watch him walk. EDI is filtering the smoke out of the room, and I keep my eye trained on the vent, watching the light swirl around the clouds. It's calming, and I'm hoping for calm right now. "Without being a Turian, there are some things she can only know or understand in concept." 

"Humans don't bond," he says. It's not said as if he's educating me on the topic or clarifying it. He just needed to say it, needed to insert it into my mind as if it doesn't already haunt me. "They're not even monogamous, are they?" 

"Shepard is," I reply, only barely not snapping at him. I catch his eye to flash a grin that he'll hate and add, "You should be grateful that she broke my non-monogamous habit." 

"Have you considered that her feelings could change?" he asks, infuriatingly calm as he identifies my deepest fears and prods at them. "Have either of you thought about what it will do to you if her commitment to you right now is not permanent, if she falls in love with someone else?" He spits out 'falls in love' like it disgraces him even to have the words in his mouth. 

The line of questioning is proof that he knows nothing about me. Anyone who does know me would know I've agonized over those questions for years, that I likely always will. Of course, if I tried to explain anxiety to my father or how it affects me, how it's not a comment on my relationship with Shepard or on Shepard at all but on my brain's need to overanalyze, he would only belittle me for that, too. I could make his head explode if I told him about the little pill I take every morning. 

"Of course, I've considered it, Dad. We both have." It’s one of the things that almost ruined us before we got started, but he doesn't need to know that intimate detail. He'd consider it an opportunity lost anyway. "But what good does that do? Have you considered what will happen to you when Mom inevitably dies? Does it change the way you feel? Could anything?"

He winces, one of the biggest displays of pain I've ever seen on the man, when I mention my mom's death. 

"You can't even hear it, can't even think about it without it hurting," I spit at him. "I've lived through it. I know exactly what happens to me if she's gone." He stops walking and looks at me, expression unreadable and subtones giving nothing away. "I know better than anyone that nothing is permanent. I'm not letting fear about what could change keep me from her. It only hurt to try." 

"You..." He clears his throat. "You were bonded to her when she died?"

I nod a little, my own throat growing tight. "Yes. And no, there's nothing I could say that can prepare you or make it better. It's not survivable." 

The room falls completely still. I don't think either of us breathes for a long moment. There it is, the one thing my father and I have in common. My bondmate died well before her time, and his is going to. We can give Mom years and those are beautiful, but my father will end up where I was before Omega. It's enough to make me actually feel bad for the man. 

I hope he doesn't have to live through it. 

"It's...a blessing that she's back," he says finally, voice softer than usual. "Spirits only know where you would have ended up otherwise." Moment over, he's back. Ass. He clears his throat, this time to get his facade back in place. "In any case...it may be for the best that you bonded with her instead of merely falling in love. No one can argue you made a choice or could change things." 

I frown at him and wait, finishing my cigarette. This is going somewhere, and my gut instinct is that I'm not going to like it. 

"You are aware that a life with a human means you cannot live on Palaven," he continues, voice growing hard again. Even the notion of one of his children living elsewhere is offensive to him. "You must also be aware that while you have not been stripped of rank yet, it could seriously damage your standing within the Hierarchy. Especially added with your failure to serve for the last two years. It is only your name that has saved you thus far." 

"I served on Omega," I inform him. 

He scoffs. "No one serves anyone but themselves on Omega. The fact that you were there does not help your case at all." 

"Who exactly am I making a case to here?"

"We may be able to salvage your future, though," he continues, ignoring that question. "I had already set plans in motion, and learning of your bond only strengthens them. No one in the Hierarchy would dare fault you for nature." 

He says to his queer son bonded to a human while faulting that son for all of those things. 

"What plans, Dad?" I press him, trying to get this over with so I can shut whatever it is down. "You know I can't come back to Palaven now, even if I thought Shepard could live there." 

He takes a breath and stops moving, turning to face me with his hands folding behind his back. It's his serious, professional, all-business stance. That and his pissed off stance are the only ones he ever takes with me. 

"You cannot change your bond to Shepard. It will remain permanent, nothing can be done to reverse that. However...it does not prevent you from fulfilling your duties with marriage to a respectable Turian." 

My heart stutters, and the words hit me like a smack in the face. I flounder for words or even a coherent thought. There's no way I heard any of that correctly.

"Contracts for you are not as easy to come by these days after all the stunts you've pulled," he continues, either unaware of my reaction or just not caring to hear it. "The damage you took to your face will only complicate that further. But you still have your name and your legacy, and that is still worth something. We can arrange a contract to a good woman," he emphasizes the gender, "and your duty to her, to Palaven, to your family will remain despite your bond." 

"You...you want me to marry someone...not Shepard?" I manage, my head still spinning to keep up with him. This train of thought came out of nowhere and I can't find where the path even starts to catch up.

And yet my father looks at me as if my confusion astounds him. "Yes, Garrus," he replies, as if speaking to a child. "What other options do you have?" 

All my restraint snaps, and the console behind me groans under the strain of my hand clenching around the edge. I release it but have to ball my fists for fear I'll grab my father that hard next. 

"That...is not an option!" I snap, shouting by the end of it. "How dare you? You would continue to attempt to whore me out for your legacy, for some false attempt at honor, while my bondmate does what exactly?"

"Shepard would be free to pursue other relationships as well, of course." 

A growl rips out of my throat, and it makes my father's expression smug. He thinks he's proved something by triggering my territorial instincts. He's using Shepard's biological inability, as he sees it, to commit to me for life as a weapon against me. 

"And whoring you out is a little strong," he adds with a dismissive wave, obviously unconcerned by the strength of my reaction to this. "You've done a good deal of that yourself. This is respectable. Though perhaps I shouldn't be surprised you can't see the difference." 

My father is pressed against the wall, my forearm at his throat, before I even realize that I've moved. The flash of fear through his eyes is the most satisfying thing I've ever seen; I've never wanted to make anyone else fear me the way I want it for this man. 

"You will never speak of this again," I inform him, leaving no room for argument and little room for his oxygen supply. "Do not ever mention this to me again, and don't you dare bring it up with Shepard. I will gladly give up everything else in the galaxy before I would be unfaithful to her. You want to use this as an excuse to disown me, to force me out of the family completely, fine. Consider me gone." 

I shove away from him, his head smacking against the wall, and move for the doors only to have my heart stop when I realize they're already open. Solana and Shepard stand on the threshold, matching expressions of horror on their faces. I only need a glance at Shepard to know how much she heard and how much it hurts. 

"Why are you so set on pushing him away from us?" Solana demands, finding her voice before anyone else in the room can. She's focused on our father, but Shepard won't meet my gaze, so I let Sol have at him and focus on what matters. 

"Come," I order, taking Shepard's hand even as I say it and pulling her far enough into the room that the doors close. I'd like more privacy but some things need to be said now. When I take the two steps down onto the Thanix platform, we're almost equal in height, so I stop there to take her face between my hands. "I would never," I breathe, my forehead firmly against hers. "Never, Shepard." 

"I know," she whispers, her hands curling around my wrists. It's too soft, too unsure. Does she doubt me? 

"I'm telling Mom about this," Solana is informing our father. He looks properly told off and shamed; whether that's because of her threats or mine, I don't care. "She asked you to come here and get Garrus to visit, to say whatever you needed to bring him home. We want him home, Dad; it doesn't matter if he's bonded to Shepard or a Krogan or no one at all. Why are you trying to force him away?" 

The hitch in my sister's voice, the pain in her subtones, strikes me. I never would have threatened to leave my family behind if I'd known she was listening. I can only hope she gives me a chance later to explain, to promise I'd never leave her. I couldn't. But even Solana isn't my priority right now. 

"Look at me, baby," I beg Shepard. 

She does, eyes wide and pained but dry. She's made her mind up about something, and I know before she opens her mouth that I'm not going to like it. "If it was the best thing for you - " 

"Stop," I growl out. "Don't even say it. It'll never be true. Do you understand me?"

Shepard takes a breath and nods, at least trying to convince herself of it. I can tell she needed to hear me say it. I'll remind her every day if that's what she needs. 

"Someone needs to be thinking about your future, Garrus," my father interjects, speaking over Solana's pleas. 

"Shepard is my future, Dad," I reply, not taking my eyes off Shepard's and not parting from her either. "After we save the galaxy, we're getting married, we're gonna have babies, and we might even adopt a Krogan or two for good measure." Shepard laughs, the tension finally easing as she squeezes my wrists. "Fuck the Hierarchy, fuck Palaven. I don't need any of it." 

I hear him scoff. "You aren't thinking clearly about this. She's human, Garrus, its - " 

"I'm standing right here," Shepard snaps. She turns away to look at him, my hands falling from her face, but she wraps an arm around my neck to keep her hold on me. "And yes, I'm human. No, I can't bond. If I thought for a second that being with someone else, even in part, could make Garrus happy, I'd let him go. I love him enough to do what's best for him, and that makes me better for him than you are." 

"I agree," Solana breathes, her stance hard and fiery. She's not done this fight either, and I'm sure she was honest about telling our mom. 

Shepard turns back to me. "I don't want to do this today. I'm sorry." 

"No, you're right," I assure her. "Dad, you can sleep in here tonight if you don't want to stay on your shuttle. Solana, there's plenty of bunk space around and - " 

"I'm fine," she cuts in, waving that off. "Your crew invited me to watch a movie with everyone after dinner. I'll see you two then." 

I look to Shepard for her approval and she nods, so I take her hand and start out of the room, pausing only to thank my sister and ignoring my father. I hope Solana leaves him in pieces. 

In the elevator, Shepard moves right into my arms and looks up at me. "Are you okay?" she asks. "Solana had just gotten done telling me that she was surprised you two never came to blows, that you always managed to control yourself, and then we walked into that!" 

"I never had anything worth losing my control for before you," I tell her honestly, tucking a curl behind her ear and tugging the lobe. "He's said and suggested some outlandish things in the past but that..." 

She lets out a soft, humorless laugh. "Yeah. I wonder if he'd be willing to give me a say in your new wife. Seems only fair." 

"Don't even joke about it, Shepard, please." I can tell she doesn't find it funny anyway. "Not only would that be betraying you and us in a huge way, but what is he thinking about this poor person I'm supposed to marry? They'll be unloved, get none of my attention - " 

"None of your dick," she quips. 

"Exactly. And without my dick, I mean, what's even the point?" 

This time we both laugh and it's genuine, relaxing us just a little. I bury my face in her hair as the elevator reaches our floor and inhale, letting cinnamon and citrus with all those notes of me soothe my system. The doors open but we don't move yet, Shepard's hands firmly against my back and her face on my chest. 

"I could be okay with it...if it was what you needed," she whispers. And even though I knew that without her saying it and even though I expected her to feel the need to say it, the words pierce me like a shotgun. 

"You're what I need, kid. Only you. Tell me we're not letting him come between us." 

She looks up at me, green eyes bright. "We're not letting anything come between us, big guy. Compared to the Collectors, the Reapers, even the Geth...your dad doesn't stand a chance. There's no Shepard without Vakarian." 

"Add Batarians to that list for me and come home tomorrow. There's no Vakarian without Shepard either. I love you."


	42. Arrival

Morning comes too quickly. I stayed up late with Garrus, Solana, and some of the crew. We spent the entire night laughing - mostly at Solana's stories and jokes about Garrus, much to the crew's delight. Even after hearing Garrus's father suggest that he marry someone else and keep me as some kind of committed sidepiece, it ends up being a great day. I'd even go so far as to say it's worth having Castis here to have met Solana. Garrus was right when he said that we would hit it off immediately.

It's an added bonus that having Solana around helps Garrus relax a little, too. He's still on edge all night about tomorrow, and I can't blame him for that, but his sister manages to put him at ease. And then when we finally go to bed alone, Garrus makes love to me slowly with a passion that pulses through the room. He whispers how much he loves me over and over, and then we fall apart together before falling asleep together.

But now, too soon, it's morning. Garrus barely got any sleep, I know, and I wake up on his chest with his talon's running lightly up and down my spine. I nuzzle my face into his throat, listening to the steady pound of his heart and wishing I could stay here all day.

"Make sure your wife enjoys math as much as you do," I tell him, my voice muffled in his throat. "Only one of your future spouses should have to deal with that."

Garrus laughs in a surprised way, squeezing me tight. "Will do. And if you marry someone else...oh, who am I kidding, I'd kill the bastard." He jumps when I poke his side, and we laugh together. It's what I need this morning, more than anything else. More than our usual morning activities. Well...maybe I still need those a little.

I straddle Garrus's hips and sit up, looking down at him while running my hands up his chest and finding the spaces between his plates that he likes touched. He moans softly and rolls his hips, not hard yet, and squeezing my thighs under his hands.   
"I'm...nervous," I admit. "Do I know the visor well enough to wear it? I haven't had equipment that new in a long time."

"You don't have to use any of the features on it if you don't want," he assures me. "I showed you them so you have them if you want. As long as you keep the video feed on, I'm good. And for you, that doesn't look any different, does it?"

"No, you're right, it doesn't." I take a deep breath, curling my fingers into his carapace and squeezing lightly. He shifts under me, not completely able to hide the effect a touch there has on him, but he keeps quiet and stills his hands. He's listening, not trying to distract me. And that's not at all what I need right now. "Is it awful that I just don't want to think about it until I'm heading down there? I'm as ready as I'm gonna be, I just - "

Garrus takes hold of my hips and flips us, bringing me to the bed underneath him. "Need a distraction, my love?" he asks, already nipping down my neck with clear instead to keep moving lower.

"God, yes," I answer, fisting the sheets and spreading my legs for him gratefully. "I need you."

"You have me," he purrs against my stomach, one hand coming up to my breast while the other pushes one of my legs back. He shifts to kiss my knee, trailing his tongue and teeth down my thigh at a painfully slow pace while tugging and tweaking my nipple. "Relax, baby," he murmurs, his breath ghosting over my clit. "Let me ease your mind for a little while."

I wish I had the frame of mind or the conscious control over myself to respond to that, to say something even if it's not sexy or charming. And instead the most I can manage is a weak version of his name, already wanton and whimpering before his tongue touches me. Garrus is playful, gentle, patient. It feels incredible. I almost hate him for it.

"Please," I beg, tilting my hips toward his face. I could plead with him all day, and we know it's not going to get me anywhere. Garrus makes sure that my mind isn't on anything at all, maybe unable to focus on anything ever again, and then shatters me at every level. I lose all sense of my surroundings, I couldn't even tell you what Aratoht is. All I need in the universe is his perfect, long, incredible tongue.

Garrus flips me onto my stomach before the orgasm has completely released me, my body limp. He leaves me flat on my stomach and enters me slowly, pressing my legs closed with his knees outside mine. He moves slowly and in long strokes, moaning and growling softly in my ear. He starts to pick up his pace, pushing me higher again and again, then stops to roll me onto my side. He keeps my legs closed still but goes harder this time, fucking me steadily.

His forehead presses against the side of my head, and he nuzzles, fisting his hand in my hair and using the other hand to pin my wrists. "How's this for a distraction, my love?" he asks so softly I can barely hear him over the growl in his chest. "You feeling properly distracted?"

"Yes," I manage, my voice hoarse and raspy. "Don't stop, Garrus."

"Never, Elle," he growls, pounding harder inside me and using the hold on my hair to pull my head back so my throat is exposed to him. "I'm gonna put my mark on your throat and spend the rest of my life making you feel good. Only you." 

I know the addition is there because of what happened yesterday, because of his father's horrible plan to save Garrus's place in the hierarchy. It made me feel sick, the very idea, but I have no fear or worry that Garrus would do that to me. He loves me, and it amazes me that he can show it with his body as well as his words. Right now, he's using that body to drive me wild. 

Garrus goes until I'm barely more than a panting, sweating heap of well-fucked flesh and then he kisses and praises me until I feel like a beautiful heap of flesh. It's exactly the distraction I needed, and coming down from the high in Garrus's arms after is perfect. 

But it can't last forever. By the time we're in the shower, neither of us can stop thinking about where we're heading, what's coming later today. An end is coming to our morning tied up in each other, and we're going to be at a bigger distance than we have been for a long time - at least emotionally. It doesn't help that I know Garrus would still like to talk me out of going. Actually, I think he'd like to be able to forbid me, to extend the boundaries of our power exchange to another part of our life for once. He won't ask or try; he respects me too much. Part of me kind of wishes he would. 

I'm as prepared for this and capable of success as I could possibly be...unless I had a team with me. Solo missions have never really been my thing, not at any rank. And I think it's much worse now that I have so much to live for. But really, that's why I have to go. I want to help Hackett and I want to save Dr. Amanda Kenson, but more than anything, I want that Reaper artifact, and I want to know why Kenson believes the invasion is impending. I'll do whatever it takes for that, even if it means going down to Aratoht by myself. 

After I get dressed and get my armor on, I pull my hair up into the bun I usually wear on missions. Garrus stands behind me in the bathroom, and I watch him in the mirror while he fits his visor properly to my head. His finger runs over the names engraved on the visor, and he gives a sad smile. "They would have loved serving with you." 

"I wish I'd known them," I tell him softly. Garrus takes a soft breath, and I know he's thinking about what Sidonis said, that Garrus would have left his team on Omega if I'd returned before they died. I lean back into him and pull his arms around me. "Thank you for helping me get ready for today. I'd be terrified if it wasn't for you." 

"Is it okay if I am kind of terrified?" he replies, not meeting my eyes. 

I turn around and duck my head to catch his gaze. "I love how much you love me. And I'm coming back to you, big guy. I always will." 

Garrus grins and leans down, kissing me softly and lingering. "I don't doubt that you'll be back. I just hate that I won't be on your six. That feels...wrong." 

"I'm going to feel like I'm missing a limb down there," I confess. "But I won't be without you completely." I tap the visor and then flash him a grin of my own. "Maybe later I can film you on your knees." 

"Tell you what," he breathes, pulling me against him so firmly that I'm lifted right off my feet. "You come back safely, and I might just be so grateful that I let you do whatever you'd like to me." 

"Well, shit, let's get this over with and get back into bed. Mmm or maybe the Main Battery. I'd love you to take me against the only other thing on this ship that turns you on consistently." Garrus growls and squeezes me closer for one more brief kiss before letting me down to my feet. "You ready?"

"I am if you are." 

"I am," I assure him. "We get this done, move our mission forward, and then tell your dad off a little before throwing him off the ship." 

"Can't wait, baby." 

*****

"Comm check, Shepard." 

"Loud and clear, big guy." She's the same, her voice unbroken over the comms in the cockpit where we're watching her shuttle approach Aratoht. She'll land about a hundred yards from the prison and over a ridge where she won't be seen. It's raining when she jumps out of the shuttle, but Shepard moves quickly despite it. 

"How are you feeling?" Solana asks kindly. She's sitting on the arm of the chair Jack is in, the little biotic determined to be closest to the screen. I can't sit still so it's just as well. My father is behind me, standing in the doorway to the cockpit; he hasn't said a word all morning, and I don't mind. Joker and Tali are in the pilot and navigator seats, and the rest of the crew is milling around the bridge and the CIC, pretending they're not anxious for my sake. 

"I'll be fine once this is done," I tell my sister. It's the best I can offer right now with Shepard on a hostile planet. Solana smiles like she understands that and reaches up to squeeze my hand. 

"I'm on approach," Shepard confirms, the rain picking up enough to obscure a bit of the visor view. I can see the building, though. She's going in through a back basement door we were able to find with surveillance and some creative hacking the Alliance probably wouldn't approve of for their mission. Or my father, for that matter. 

There's no one around, and I can hear the rain echoing. "Silencer is on, right?"

"Yes, Garrus," she answers patiently, a bit of a laugh in her voice. "Don't you remember checking it three times before I got on the shuttle? Or are you forgetting things in your old age?" 

"Hilarious, kid. Shut up and get in there." Her laugh eases some of the hell ravaging my heart at the moment. 

"Questioning your commanding officer, Garrus," my father mutters from behind me. His voice has the opposite effect of Shepard's. "You should know better." 

"I'm not questioning my commander," I counter, "I'm checking on my bondmate." 

It's the first time I've said that out loud in public, and it comes with a weird form of relief. The data on Shepard's visor picks up a huge leap in her heart rate; hearing it has the same effect on her apparently. Tali and my sister squeal, too, Solana looking up at me with a beaming smile. 

I don't need to worry about my father's reaction to it; the people who matter are excited for us. Granted, Shepard needs to get home for it not to be devastating. I swallow to quell the bile threatening in my throat and focus on the screen and Shepard's soft breathing over the comms.

Shepard makes her way to a door past some industrial systems, then uses the visor like an old pro to find the power relay near a door into the building. It's not difficult for her to cut the power - a sign of Batarian ego that they aren't worried about anyone getting in here - and the door unlocks immediately. 

As we watch, Shepard pauses just before the door, and I hear her take a deep breath. "You've got this," I tell her, glad I manage to keep my voice calm. 

"You have me?" she mutters. Her voice, by contrast, is a little tight. I think it has more to do with knowing other people are hearing her ask that than anything else, but the question makes me smile. It helps a little to know I can still support her. 

"Hey, don't I always?" She laughs a little and then cocks her rifle before moving through the doors and into the prison. "That's my girl." 

Her heart skips at the words.

She enters the prison at a level that is not occupied or in use; pipes leak, the walls and floor are cracked, and I can tell by the shift in her breathing that there's a smell. Lovely. At least she'll have a bit before having to deal with any of the prison guards.

Down a short hall, she finds a hole in the floor that some maintenance worker built a cheap bridge across. Of course, the bridge isn't working when she taps the controls. "Scan the wires, Shepard. If you can find the problem, I can probably walk you through fixing it."

"I could probably jump it," she counters, approaching the edge of the hole. The ground below is littering in the rubble left from the floor falling, including a rusted and jagged pipe sticking up. Before I can object to her jumping, Shepard notes, "No telling how stable the other side is, though. Forget it."

I hold my breath for a second so that she won't hear my relief, but Joker turns to smirk at me. "The big guy was all freaked out you were gonna jump. The stick up his ass is lodged tight right now."

Shepard laughs softly while taking a ramp down to the lower level, following the wires in the wall that the visor has identified. The power looks intact at least, and I focus on that while flipping Joker off for it. He enjoys that, of course.

The visor picks up and signals something alive around the corner, and seconds before I can warn her, Shepard notices it. She takes the Varren down with a solid shot. "That is not down here by accident," she notes.

"Definitely not," I agree. "The Batarians send prisoners down there to die."

"At least they killed prisoners honestly on Purgatory," Jack scoffs. I tense, well aware that my father will recognize the name and wonder why Jack would know anything about that ship. If he starts on Jack next, I won't be able to keep my cool - and we haven't even talked about me losing it yesterday yet.

With no more Varren around, Shepard finds the short in the switch and quickly resolves it with her Omni Tool. Back on the upper level, the bridge works, and she's able to continue forward. I have to hope the rest of the obstacles she faces today are as easy as this one.

The pathways around her are a little challenging with all rubble and the odd layout of the building, Batarian design apparently not focused on efficiency, but she finds a hallway that leads to a set of stairs going up. Her boots are impressively quiet on the metal. I'd expect nothing less from a soldier of her caliber.

Shepard emerges onto the second floor, and it's in somehow even worse condition. No one has taken any care of this building for a long time. "This place is run down even for a prison," Shepard whispers, reading my mind.

At the end of the hall, straight ahead, is a row of laser beams. Likely intended more to keep the prisoners running from Varren trapped down here than for security. She turns down the hall just before then, and a particularly massive Varren comes running at her. Shepard puts it down with one well placed incendiary shot.

Shepard follows the hall around, finding some of them blocked off by lasers and other areas impossible thanks to holes in the floor or damage in the walls. She has to keep making turns she didn't plan on and backtracking. I can tell it's frustrating her, but she's being more patient than I could usually expect from her.

"What the fuck?" she mutters when coming to another dead end. She knows as well as I do that this was her last option; no wonder they don't worry much about security down here.

"Shepard, that pipe above your head? It's a gas line. Shoot it with incendiary ammo," I tell her. She gets to a safe distance and obeys, the pipe blasting apart and shooting flames into her path which was just cleared of rubble. "Good, now see that valve on the wall? Turn it and shut off the gas."

She does, and the flames die, clearing her way forward. "You're still more useful than this exceptionally expensive piece of tech," she informs me, her tone letting me hear her grin.

"Remember that when you're giving raises, kid," I tease.

She softly snorts a laugh while moving forward. The way ahead is slightly more clear now except for a few other gas valves she has to shut off and a Varren or two. At the end of one hall, she finds a room that looks like a crew kitchen; why anyone would want to eat down here is beyond me, but there are enough personal effects around that we know it's active.

She finds and plays a personal log, a gruff Batarian voice coming through the speaker. "I hear humans are stirring like vermin out in the asteroid belt. Is anyone safe from them? We should get permission to flush them all out."

"Lovely," Shepard mutters.

"Common," my father says, surprising me by bothering to chime in at all. "Batarian anti-human sentiment rivals Salarian-Krogan relations. In fact, the Batarians did everything they could to keep the First Contact War going, including terrorist attacks that they blamed on either side."

"Shepard has first-hand knowledge of that sentiment," Miranda notes, her voice hard. I know instantly that Shepard won't like that.

"Slavers, pirates, and murderers exist among all our species. They don't represent the whole," she counters over the comms, her voice hard too. She really never lets me down.

After checking the room for anything useful, Shepard goes back into the hallway and continues to explore. The hallway starts to feel more direct, and then she comes up a ramp and through a door. This level is much better kept, definitely active, and sure enough, she doesn't make a single turn before we can hear voices.

"She wanted to slam an asteroid into the relay," one of the Batarians is saying.

"Can they even do that?" another replies.

The first responds, "What difference does it make? We caught her."

I frown at the information and can tell that it makes Shepard tense. We weren't told anything about what sounds like a horrible crime from Dr. Kenson. I'm certain Shepard will turn right back around and leave the woman here though if it becomes the right thing to do, so I keep my mouth shut for now.

"Why would anyone slam an asteroid into a relay?" Jacob asks.

"Those relays contain a ton of power, and they're massive. Destroying one would cause catastrophic damage to any planets nearby, even entire systems," Tali explains.

"They're also almost impossible to destroy," Gabby chimes in. "Prothean engineering has lasted millennia for a reason."

Shepard is still on the move, creeping carefully up a set of stairs into a lounge area and through another set of doors. This one leads her back outside into a courtyard between a few buildings where the rain has picked up. She uses the scope on the sniper rifle to scan the entire yard and spots only two prison guards over to her left. They aren't facing her, so Shepard sneaks in that direction.

"I would just kill her," one of the guards says. It's the same one that Shepard could hear inside. "Interrogating the human is a waste of time."

I open my mouth to tell Shepard to slip the rifle into automatic so that she can quickly dispose of both guards, but she does it without needing my input. It doesn't surprise me that she remembered. She is constantly impressing me; somehow I'd forgotten that. Shepard leans out of cover and pops both guards quickly, needing two shots for the second thanks to a slightly off headshot but still handling them impressively.

"Missed that one," she breathes, scolding herself but I'm certain she's also talking to me.

"You made up for it," I remind her. "Great shot. You're kicking ass, Shepard, keep it up."

For whatever reason, hearing from me that she's doing well in the field means something to her - to the most exceptional soldier of our time and maybe any other time. That's a heady thing.

Shepard pushes through the courtyard, exploring some of the buildings to clear them and to hack any data or credits she can find. Not even my father has a moral objection to that considering where she is and what's happening here.

At the far end of the courtyard, she moves into another main building. The door is unlocked; this sort of reckless bravado is unheard of from Turians. Or even Cerberus, from what we've seen. They should know better, but it certainly benefits us.

Inside is a brief hallway before a set of windows along a wall, shuttered but not completely closed, so Shepard ducks low to pass under them. Several prison guards are talking inside, and they seem to share their now-dead coworkers sentiments about humans.

"Humans will do anything to destroy us," one of them growls, definitely still talking about the asteroid Dr. Kenson was supposedly threatening them with. "We need to make this one an example to the others."

"We can't behave kindly with terrorists," another responds.

It sends a cold chill through me to hear the Batarians that are supposed to be the bad guys here call the human Shepard is here to rescue a terrorist. Especially since that human works for the Alliance. I never got a bad vibe from Hackett, but I've learned not to be too surprised by military brass.

"You'll figure out what's going on when you get to Kenson, Shepard," I advise, reading Shepard's tension even if I can't see her. The visor moves up and down to signal she's nodding, and Shepard pushes forward.

She rounds the corner toward the entrance into the windowed room. This time, she doesn't miss either shot by even a millimeter, and when a third guard pops up from the other door in the room, Shepard makes quick work of him, too. There's another personal log in here.

"Forty-seven days straight without time off, and now there's humans in the prison," the Batarian on the log grumbles. "I can't get a break. There's three hundred thousand people in this colony. You'd think someone could cover for me one night."

"It benefits us that they're overworked and exhausted," I note. "More likely to make mistakes that way. How you holding up?"

"Good. I want to know what's going on with that asteroid, but things are going to plan. And we both know how rare that is for me."

I laugh and relax a little cocking my hip and crossing my arms. "Let's not assume that'll keep up. There are probably Krogan clones in here somewhere, right?"

"Geth in a closet, waiting for their chance," Shepard chuckles, doing her best to muffle the noise. She follows a hall out of the room and around until it becomes a balcony over a shuttle landing pad where a shuttle is landing now. She doesn't get a view of the Batarians that get out, but she doesn't need it right now. And now she knows where a shuttle is if she needs it.

In the next room, we know from the blueprints of the prison EDI procured that Shepard needs to go down. In this case, that means using a control to drop a truck and then hopping down into the bed, then onto the floor. This is the floor where Dr. Kenson should be. Which also means this is the floor where most of the guards will be. 

My heart lodges itself firmly in my throat; if anything is going to go wrong, it'll be soon.

Shepard moves through the only door. There are laser beams blocking the way forward and a small alcove where she finds another security log. "Our comm buoy intercepts paid off. We picked up a message to the Alliance coming from somewhere in the asteroid belt. We listened to the feed until we discovered an operation run by a human named Kenson, smuggling engine parts and guidance systems. We intercepted Kenson's vehicle and took her and her people into custody. Interrogation has produced nothing but frenzied rambling so far."

Well, now we know how Kenson ended up getting caught and imprisoned by the Batarians.

Shepard finds the power relay to take out the lasers blocking her way, and there is no alarm associated, so I can breathe for a moment. But only a moment since we can already see a few guards in a room up ahead. Shepard gets cover and we all listen. "This one's apparently the mastermind," one is saying. "If she doesn't talk, kill her."

"They knew who was in charge, so that's got to be Kenson in there," I note, aware that Shepard already knows this but I need to talk to her. I need to feel like I'm with her in at least some way, and since Shepard isn't complaining, I think she gets that.

She takes down both guards and another that appears quickly and as quietly as possible. When she enters the room, Shepard ducks back out quickly, and it's not until she peeks inside again that I see another guard. This one is in a separate room, though, divided by glass. It's obviously soundproof, and I realize then that there's an intercom. She's safe for now, especially with that other guard focused on the human locked into a device that does not look pleasant.

Shepard takes a second to play the security log on the desk. "The humans still won't tell us where their base is, but we will find it. Even if we have to scan every asteroid out there. I wonder if those humans actually found something. No torture is too great if it gets that information out of them."

"What information did the Batarians think they had?" Solana asks. I can only shake my head.

"The Batarians have never shown any real interest in Reaper information, especially not since Shepard has been the only person leading the charge." I shrug. "Maybe the humans said something else to keep them guessing...but it only made these guys more interested, unfortunately."

Shepard approaches the window and opens the intercom, letting us listen to the interrogation on the other side of the room. Discomfort swirls in my gut, memories of the tactics my crew used on Omega when C-Sec regulations and Shepard's conscience couldn't stop me from doing whatever it took to get information. I have to remind myself that we had a greater purpose but, more importantly, that Shepard wouldn't judge or hate me for it now.

"I'll ask you again," the baritone Batarian in the other room is saying. "Where is your base?"

"You're wasting time!" Kenson responds; we can't see all of her through the glass, but monitors show her arms and legs trapped and a collar around her throat. I know what collar is for and it's impressive Kenson is still this belligerent if they've used it. "The Reapers are coming!"

"The Reapers are coming here? To this relay?" the Batarian asks. He doesn't sound as surprised as I know we all are, so he's definitely been hearing this from her for a while.

"Every moment you keep me here brings them closer," she replies.

The Batarian scoffs. "So I should let you go destroy the relay then? Destroy the system?"

"So she really is out to destroy the relay," Tali mutters. I don't know how to feel about that, and I can't say I blame the Batarian for not letting her run back off to do it right now.

"One of those logs mentioned three hundred thousand people in this system," Kelly murmurs. I didn't need the reminder.

"Do what you want to me, Batarian," she snaps. "Torturing me won't save you."

"No...but it will amuse me." 

Well, Shepard is definitely going to kill him now.

She heads into the hall and around to the door of the interrogation room. Again, unlocked. And the guard is oblivious, totally unconcerned that whoever just walked in behind him could be dangerous. He's focused only on his Omni-Tool which he's using to move some sort of contraption toward Kenson's head.

Shepard approaches and taps the Batarian on the shoulder. When he turns to her, she gives him a second to be shocked, and then she throws a biotically-boosted punch at the guy. One hit, and she lays him out flat. Jack cheers, Solana laughs, and I can't help my grin.

"Who are you?" Kenson demands, the contraption buzzing with electricity still uncomfortably close to her face. "What are you doing?"

"Dr. Kenson? I'm Commander Shepard. I'm here to get you out." Shepard pulls up her Omni-Tool, which is connected to mine for now. "Garrus?"

"Got it," I confirm, already working on it. Through her, I get into the Batarian's Omni-Tool, and I use that to shut the device down. It also lets me free Kenson completely, and Shepard helps her get steady.

"Commander Shepard?" Kenson echoes, partially confused and mostly awed. Hard to blame her, even if I know Shepard hates it. "I'd heard you were alive. Hackett must have received my message!"

"He did, and he sent me in," Shepard confirms. "We're not safe here, though. Can you walk?"

Kenson takes a few steps independently and only wobbles a bit before gathering herself completely and nodding. "I'm fine. Just give me a moment."

"Shepard - "

"I'm sorry, we have to go now," Shepard says, cutting me off from pressing her for that very response.

"Thank you," I breathe. I know she'd like to be kind to Kenson, give the not-exactly-young and recently tortured woman time to recover. But we can't afford that, and I want to avoid any additional risks. It's clear she knows that; I'll make sure to thank her appropriately later.

Shepard hands Kenson the Batarian's pistol and motions for the woman to join her in leaving the room. Kenson seems to feel better with the weapon in her hand and she follows. "If we can find a console, I can hack security," Kenson offers.

"I'll clear us an escape path," Shepard agrees.

I can breathe a little easier now knowing that she's got her target and is heading home to me sooner rather than later. We still have questions about this whole operation and what Kenson was doing that need to be answered, but they can get out first. And then, because it's Shepard and things can never go right, alarms start going off the moment they open the doors back out of the room.

"Shit, it must have needed a code to leave with the prisoner released," I growl, moving closer to the screen as if I can do anything about it.

Shepard is already on the move and ready, taking down a Batarian who has come running from down the hall. She doesn't waste time, pressing forward and down a flight of stairs. It leads into a more centralized area and to several armed guards. Shepard gets cover and puts her shields up, then starts shooting. I note that it's not the order she would do things in if I were down there with her and mean to scold her for that later; she should always be careful.

Kenson takes cover as well and returns fire with Shepard. She's very obviously a scientist and not a soldier; it reminds me that the Alliance doesn't train all human citizens for military operations the way the Hierarchy does. In this case, that means Kenson isn't a great shot, but she's at least throwing out enough bullets that it distracts the Batarians and lets Shepard choose her shots.

"You stay close to me," Shepard tells Kenson between shots and over the sound of gunfire. It's almost uncomfortably loud through the comms. "We do not get separated, and if I tell you to stay in cover, you stay in cover."

"Do these rules work for you?" I tease.

"Watch it, Vakarian. I haven't forgotten that time you shot me."

The entire room turns to gape at me, and I can't help a laugh. "It's not what it sounds like. She needed to hurry, I used a concussive round to get her moving."

"And then took a rocket to the face," Jacob laughs. "You have a flair for dramatics, Vakarian."

"Oh, you don't know the half of it," my sister chimes in. I swat her head for it and she grins up at me, definitely enjoying her time among the crew. Any other day, I could manage to be thrilled about that.

But today, Shepard is in the middle of a firefight inside a Batarian prison after breaking out a prisoner. And she's alone.

Shepard can hold her own. I know that, and if I ever had reason to doubt it, she's going to remind me here. While Kenson works through the security console they've found, Shepard is single-handedly keeping back well-armed and well-trained prison guards coming at her from three directions. She makes this shit look easy.

"Shepard, the door that you came in through. If you close it, you can at least keep them out from that direction."

"Good call, big guy!" Shepard uses a grenade launcher to buy herself a couple moments in the other direction and then hauls ass from the way they came. She has to take down a few guards to reach it, but she's able to shut the door. It's not a perfect solution, of course, but it lets her be sure of where she can keep her back. It gives her more cover, so I consider it a win. And Shepard wins big, keeping Kenson completely unharmed and unthreatened from dozens of guards. When it's done, they rush out and back to the shuttle Shepard saw coming in. She's a few feet from getting out of there in one piece, and my heart is in my throat.

They have to wipe out the last few guards, but then they're jumping into the shuttle. Mission complete.

"That's my girl," I breathe, exhaling for what feel like the first time all day. Maybe even since hearing about this mission yesterday. Solana reaches up and squeezes my hand, offering much more comfort than she realizes, I'm sure. It won't be enough until I'm holding Shepard, but it's helpful all the same.

Shepard and Kenson are safely on the shuttle, and that's all I can ask for right now. "We're going back to Kenson's base now," Shepard tells us, using regular comms and not the visor. Kenson doesn't know that we're here. "Normandy should prepare to track and rendezvous."

"Where exactly are we headed?" Joker asks.

"To an asteroid," Kenson answers simply. "Autopilot engaged. We should be out of range before they get their security measures unscrambled."

Joker looks back at me, confused about our destination and the location of the base. I just shrug and nod in return; there's not much else I can do other than follow orders. That, and trust Shepard.

"Do you think they'll come after you?" Shepard asks Kenson. Through the visor, I can see her checking her ammo and giving her weapons a quick clean. Smart. She's not assuming this is over.

"I'm not taking any chances," Kenson replies. "Batarians don't take kindly to humans who plan to destroy their mass relays."

Well, shit.

"So the charges against you are true." Shepard's voice is hard, and it's not a question. I don't doubt for a second that she'll take Kenson right back to that prison if she thinks the woman is truly a terrorist.

Kenson shakes her head on video. "Well, to be fair, that's about half the story. My team and I were here investigating rumors of Reaper technology out in the fringes of this system."

"And I guess you found something?" Shepard asks.

"We found proof that the Reapers will be arriving in this system," Kenson says. She leaves no room for interpretation or suggestion, and her certainty is extremely unnerving. "When they get here, they'll use its Mass Relay to travel throughout the galaxy. We call it the Alpha Relay."

Kenson walks to the shuttle window and Shepard follows, giving us a view of the Mass Relay in question. They look a lot bigger from inside a shuttle than they do from a ship, even one as small as the Normandy.

"From here, the Reapers can invade anywhere," Kenson finishes. I know that she's echoing Shepard's thoughts because they're mine, too. But taking Kenson at her word on this is challenging.

"So you decided to destroy it," Shepard breathes.

Kenson nods. "Exactly. Doing that would stop the Reaper's invasion. Even at FTL speeds, it would be months or years before they got to the next relay." Kenson turns away from the window to face Shepard. "We came up with what we just called The Project. A plan to launch a nearby asteroid into the relay and destroy it before the Reapers could arrive. Of course, the resulting explosion would probably wipe out the system."

She says that last part like it doesn't matter, like the burden of lives lost doesn't complicate the decision to destroy the relay. I can guess that for people like my father, it really doesn't. But if Shepard was one of those people, I wouldn't love her nearly as hard as I do. I can practically hear her scowling at Kenson when the scientist takes a seat again.

Shepard takes a seat across from her, and I can hear her take a deep breath, no doubt trying to stay calm. "Walk me through the logistics. How exactly do you plan to launch an asteroid into a mass relay?"

"Asteroid Blast," Tali, Joker, and I all say at the same time. They chuckle, and I grin while explaining, "It was an old video game that you can still find on the black market. Launching asteroids into things that would make huge explosions was the entire purpose."

Shepard shakes her head, signaled by the screen moving, and I know she's rolling her eyes at me.

"Moving an asteroid just requires thrust and guidance," Kenson explains, "which are readily available in Omega salvage yards. Get the right amount of power and a good VI to drive it, and you can pretty much just point and shoot."

"And murder hundreds of thousands," Kelly murmurs from behind me.

"I've always heard that mass relays are indestructible," Shepard notes, making a good point.

The relay the humans came through in the incident that started what they call the First Contact War, Relay 314, was shot at by some of the biggest missiles the Turian Hierarchy had available. The goal was to keep the humans out permanently; fortunately, some wise engineer realized that more Turians would die than humans could possibly kill in a war. Plus, the thing barely got a scratch for all the firepower.

"I've heard that, too," Kenson agrees. "But I think it's more that nobody's willing to find out what happens when one is destroyed. And, well..." She shifts a little on her seat, the first sign of discomfort. "We plan to slam a small planet into the thing at a very high speed. By our calculations, that's more than enough."

"It sounds like there is good reason no one wants to find out what happens," Tali practically spits. To a Quarian, I can imagine what casually blowing up a system, a world, sounds like. And she's not wrong.

Shepard takes another breath. She was also rendered homeless; I'm sure she is imagining how the Batarians will feel even if they survive. Fuck, I wish I could hold her right now. I should be holding her. Failure claws at my throat and I squeeze my hands into fists. We're doing the right thing. It was the right thing to let her go.

Somehow, I'll have to start believing that.

"Is the project still operational?" Shepard asks. The Batarians at the prison certainly seemed to think so.

"I...I imagine it is," Kenson answers. "We were one button press away from launch when the Batarians arrested me."

"And the Batarians had to find that out on their own," I note. "No one warned them. Not Kenson, and not the Alliance."

"It would have compromised the mission," my father chimes in from behind me. I'd almost had the joy of forgetting he was there. Almost.

"It could have saved lives," I retort without looking at him. I can hear the disappointment in his subtones that's always present when I'm around, but I can also hear how that disrespect - me speaking with my back to him - agitates him. That's why I did it.

Shepard ignores both of us and continues questioning Kenson. "The explosion...why do you think destroying the mass relay would destroy the entire system?"

"Mass relays are the most powerful mass effect engines in the known galaxy. The energy released from a relay's destruction would probably resemble a supernova." Kenson says it like it's a given, like the system doesn't stand a chance. Which means she was downplaying it earlier when she made it sound like merely a risk. "This is a remote system, but just over three hundred thousand live on the colony where they held us. The explosion would undoubtedly kill them all."

"And Hackett made it sound like he wasn't sure why she would be arrested," I snap, my growl a little louder than I intended. He risked my bondmate's life for this.

Shepard stays on target. "How were you caught?"

"We've been smuggling starship parts from Omega. Thrusters, guidance, an aftermarket eezo core. The Batarians thought that looked suspicious." Kenson shakes her head a little. "A few days ago, I took a few of the men on a scouting trip and the Batarians pounced on us. They never found our actual base."

She's proud about that, I can tell. And it's impressive that she withstood torture, sure. But more and more, I'm siding with the Batarians on this one.

"You expect me to support killing all those people..." Shepard shakes her head and her hand comes up over the visor. I know she's rubbing her forehead. "And I still don't see how you learned about this supposed invasion."

Kenson leans forward now, eager. "The evidence came from what we call Object Rho, a Reaper artifact. We discovered it among the asteroids near the relay itself. When we get back to our station, I'll explain everything and provide copies of all our notes on the artifact."

"The stakes are too high," Shepard retorts. "If you were willing to destroy a whole system over this, I want to see your proof."

"I guess I can't argue with that. Give me a moment." Kenson says after too long a pause. She stands and heads for the window again. She turns on a comm system and says, "Kenson to project base."

"Good to hear your voice, Doctor," a man's voice on the other end responds. He sounds far away and relieved. "You coming home?"

"Affirmative. And I've got Commander Shepard with me."

"Shit," the guy breathes, earning a laugh from some of Shepard's crew. Her reputation certainly proceeds her.

"Tidy up the lab," Kenson tells him. "The commander needs to confirm the artifact." Her teammate or security or whatever he is confirms, and then Kenson returns to her seat. She seems calmer now, but I'm almost confident there is no trick since she let us hear both sides of the conversation. "All set. Just sit back and relax. We'll be there in no time."

Shepard sits back, but she is anything but relaxed. I'd love a few minutes of peace in her ear, but with the visor, I can't even send her a message that the rest of the crew won't see. I consider asking how she is, then remember that Kenson shouldn't be too aware I'm on this end, just in case there is a trap.

"You're almost done, kid," I tell her, holding the back of the seat in front of me firmly. I should be holding Shepard. This has to do. "You'll make the right call about The Project, we all have faith in you."

I hear her take a deep breath, and the view on the visor changes so that I know she's looking out the window. I wish she could see the Normandy, but we're following at a distance and in stealth. I screw decorum and refuse to consider how my father will feel and say what Shepard needs to hear.

"We're here, baby. I have you. You are not alone."

And then I hear her exhale, the sound of full of relief. It doesn't feel like enough, but it was for Shepard. I'm always enough for her.

It's not long before the shuttle is lowering to an asteroid that looks the same as every other asteroid until it gets closer to the base. The shuttle drops down to land in a hanger of sorts that seems to serve as the main entrance. Actually, according to a scan EDI puts together quickly, it might be the only entrance. There's a reason they stayed effectively hidden.

Shepard follows Kenson out of the shuttle. Ahead is an entrance with a digital display of numbers counting down above it. 00:02:04:36...35...34

"Here we are," Kenson announces. "Welcome to project base, Commander."

"What's this?" Shepard asks, motioning to the numbers as well.

"That's our countdown to arrival. When that gets to zero, the Reapers will be here."

Kenson's voice is matter of fact, calm, but her words send a painful shock rocketing through my chest. That clock...

"Is that...two hours?" Tali asks, barely a whisper.

Solana rockets up out of the chair, almost nailing me in the chin with her head. "Two hours!" she screeches.

"Two hours," I hear my father echo, more horror in his voice than I have ever heard. It's almost as chilling as that countdown.

"You're telling me we have two hours?" Shepard demands. I can hear her voice shaking but that's only because I know her so well; I'm sure she only seems pissed off to Kenson, not scared.

"Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn't it?" There's a lightness to Kenson's tone about it that unnerves me, but with only two hours remaining until the start of our galaxy's destruction, I don't feel like this is the time for small questions.  
I feel like this is the time for throwing asteroids into relays even if it destroys entire systems. "Shit," I breathe.

"Shit," Shepard echoes me on the station.

She just came to the same conclusion. The Project is necessary. That button needs to be pressed.

"How do you know that's an accurate counter?" Shepard demands.

"It is," Kenson states firmly. "The artifact has been giving off pulses at definite intervals since we found it. The intervals have been decreasing at a steady rate. The artifact is reacting to the Reaper's proximity. In just over two hours, the pulses will become constant, and the Reapers will be here."

She has a sense of doom in her voice, but it somehow doesn't feel strong enough to me. Or maybe it feels...false. I realize that's probably just lingering distrust of the woman who speaks so casually about wiping out a system full of people. And that's probably unfair now since...well, since we clearly don't have a choice.

This galaxy is not ready for the Reapers.

"You're saying the Reapers could be on Earth in a matter of days," Shepard breathes. "Palaven is even closer." I don't think she even realizes she's said that one out loud, her voice taking on that tone it has when she's trying to clear out her own thoughts. Shepard shakes her head and looks back to Kenson. "There's no time to waste."

"Then let's show you that proof." Kenson points ahead of them, toward the hallway under the clock. "That door exits the hangar. The artifact is in our central lab area."

Shepard follows Kenson through the door she mentioned, and then they turn down the next corridor to the left. A door awaits them, and a couple soldiers mill about in the hall. Shepard ignores a locked door to her right on the way and continues through the one labeled 'Lab Area.'

"So what would it take to get The Project back up?" Shepard asks as they walk through a central area and toward another door.

"Everything was in place when we were arrested. It wasn't a question of could we but should we."

"What alternative do we have?" I know that Shepard is asking me, everyone on her crew, as much as she's asking Kenson. I also know that none of us has a good answer for her.

"EDI, can you alert the Alliance and get them to send a warning to the colonies in this system?" I ask, muting the comms for a moment so I don't distract Shepard. "They can start evacuating now. They have to."

"Yes, Garrus," the AI responds. At least we might save some of those lives before killing the rest.

"The Reapers will reach the system regardless," Kenson is saying, oblivious to me as they approach an elevator. "But the Alpha Relay is their shortcut to the rest of the galaxy. If you want to keep the Reapers at bay, this relay must be destroyed."

Shepard is quiet on the ride down, and none of us says anything either. I know our commander is making her decision, and we all know she'll do the right thing. Even if it seems like this situation leaves us with no right thing.

They exit the elevator and we watch Shepard follow Kenson toward a door that is secured with a keypad lock. Shepard takes a breath and says, "We have to get The Project running again. It's probably the only chance we have."

She sounds crushed about it, but Kenson smiles and nods. Of course, she was on the side of running The Project this whole time. I still don't like how happy she looks about it, though. Especially not when I can hear Shepard's pain at having anything to do with it.

The doors open and my heart stops at the same time a collective gasp goes up through the cockpit and from Shepard. In the middle of the room they've just entered is a massive, alien-looking thing. It's almost plant shaped but nothing about it is natural - especially not the light pulsing inside it. A light that reminds me a little too much of the beacons.

A Reaper artifact. Right there in the open. 

"What the fuck?" I whisper, aware Shepard will hear it anyway.  
"Commander Shepard," Kenson says, pride pouring out of her tone. "I give you Object Rho." She motions to the thing, flourishing as if it's a grand prize on the vids my grandmother used to watch. As if this is anything to be proud of.

Shepard steps a little closer, but she's obviously appalled. "You have the Reaper artifact just sitting here?" she demands. "Out in the open?"

"When we found it, it showed me a vision of the Reaper's arrival." I know that Shepard was given similar visions by the beacons, but those were Prothean artifacts; those were intended for use to stop the Reapers. This...this is a Reaper weapon.

"This wouldn't be happening if the Alliance or Council listened to us about indoctrination," I growl out. "If they paid any attention to what we said happened to Saren instead of blaming you..." I'm forced to stop before I lose my temper, my talons already threatening to cut into my palms.

A hand lands on my shoulder and even though I should know it by touch, I have to look to be sure that it's my father. The comfort feels so out of character for him. "You'll make them believe," he assures me. "You must."

I nod and refocus. Now isn't the time for rehashing those wounds.

"Kenson," Shepard says, voice firm but calm like she's talking to a distraught child. I can tell by the way she's eyeing the woman now that Shepard is wondering if Kenson has been indoctrinated. "This is not good."

"Give it a moment, Shepard," Kenson says. Her tone has changed, too. I don't like it. "It'll give you the proof you need."

"Shepard, get out of there!" I snap.

She takes one step backward and then freezes. In the moment's pause when nothing happens, Shepard's lack of movement speaks volumes. My breath catches in my throat and my subtones rumble out a keening sound I would be ashamed of if, in the next instant, I didn't watch Shepard fall to her knees.

"Oh, Keelah!" Tali gasps.

"No!" Joker shouts as Jack leaps to her feet. I hear Grunt rip out a vicious growl.

"Garrus, do something!" Solana begs, turning and grabbing my arm. My father's hand is still on my shoulder, and when I see Shepard's hands hit the metal grates under her boots, I think it's the only reason I'm not falling to my knees as well.

"Breathe," I order, my voice coming out hard and steady by some Spirit-sent miracle. "Shepard, take a breath!" I hear her inhale deeply, and even though the sound is strained, her escalating heart rate starts to steady. "Get up. On your feet, go!"

Shepard eases back onto her haunches, at least hearing me and in control of her own body. I almost start to breathe again, and then she looks up at the sound of a click. Dr. Amanda Kenson is holding a pistol aimed at Shepard's head.

Red starts to creep into the edges of my vision, and I can feel myself shaking in the grip of my father and sister. He lets go of me and then advises my sister to do the same. The moment I'm released, I have to move, pacing the tiny cockpit because I can't rip that fucking woman's throat out with my teeth. Not yet anyway.

"I can't let you start the project, Shepard," Kenson says, audible over the sound of my growl echoing through the room. I can feel eyes on me and I don't care. "I can't let you stop the arrival!"

Shepard climbs to her feet, unsteady and with most of her biostats still in alarming ranges. She falls back to her knee and Tali yelps, but Shepard waits until Kenson is fooled by the move to swoop up, disarm Kenson, and break her arm with a satisfying crack. Kenson cries out and stumbles back, but Shepard stumbles too.

Shots start ringing from around the room, guards using other entrances and obviously prepared for this moment. "Get cover!" I shout, realizing that Shepard is looking around confused still. It snaps her into action and she stumbles behind a low wall, managing to pull out her pistol.

"Take her down!" Kenson cries, running out through the door they came in. Dozens of guards burst into the room from three other doors.

Shepard returns fire but she's clumsy, dizzy. She's outnumbered, outgunned, and that Reaper is fucking with her head. "Garrus," she breathes. "It's...I can hear it. It wants me to give up."

"Don't you dare," I tell her, pushing the chair aside so that I can plant my hands on the console and lean closer. I know in the logical part of my brain that this brings me no closer to Shepard, but it makes me feel at least a little more grounded. "You fight it, Shepard, do you hear me?"

"I'm...I'm trying." Her voice is stronger then but just by a little. Her shots get steadier too, but her reactions are still slow. I'm already terrified of the worst when it happens; her shields go down, and Shepard takes a hit.

She gets shot.

"Garrus!" she cries out instead of any exclamation of pain. That's the word she screams when it hurts. My heart shatters listening to her call for me, cry out for me, and knowing that I can't get to her.

"Shepard, please," I beg, talons digging into the console with a horrifying shriek.

She grunts, heaving herself back up and pulling out her assault rifle, probably so she can just spray bullets and give herself some time. I start to lose track of the room around me, of my own body as we watch more guards come in, feet from her. The visor tells me every time she gets shot even as she scrambles for better position and cover.

"You're doing it," I assure her. I can hear my voice cracking, so I'm certain she can too. "You're gonna fight your way out of there and back to me, okay?"

"I don't...I don't know if I can."

I can hear the strain in her breathing, I can see her heart struggling to manage the strain and the blood loss. I can feel her pain and fear as my own, ripping through me.

"Garrus." She collapses, falling against a wall, and I hear the gun clatter out of her hands. I close my eyes, a waft of cinnamon and citrus hitting my nose without a source. Or maybe I'm smelling her on me. "I'm sorry."

"Don't," I snap. "You listen to me, Shepard. I will get you out of there. You're coming home, do you hear me? I have you. Just...just stay awake. Stay alive. Okay?"

There's no answer. The only sound are heavy boots approaching, getting way to close.

"Shepard? Come on, Elle, please!"

It's barely there, but I hear her whisper, "I'm sorry," before the angle on the video tells me she's down.

My knees buckle at the same time, and someone catches me, pulling me away from the console. They say something soft and I shove them away. I can't do soft right now, I can't...

Shepard is in trouble. There is nothing else.

"I'm getting her out of there."

*****

This isn't like space. I'm not cold, not floating. There's pain, a lot of it, but it's different. I think I'm breathing and I think...I hear someone.

Someone is...saying my name?

And I know that voice. I...I want that voice. I need it. My brain is certain that voice is a good thing, that voice is safety and a break from this pain.

But I don't know where I am. I don't know how to get to it. To...him.

Garrus.

"Come on, baby, let me know you can hear me," he breathes. It's not far away. He's whispering. Soft. "Shepard."

I've always loved the way he says my name.

I want to find my way to him. It's dark, I...I don't know where I am. Something is heavy but it's in me, not on me. A blanket on my brain and I can't find my way out from under it.

"Shepard," Garrus says again. "You're okay, Shepard, I just need you to open your eyes. I have you."

Open...my eyes? Oh.

The moment I do, I feel myself startle. The lights above me are too bright, too much, and I shut them again quickly.

"Oh, don't - don't move!" Garrus says, louder now, more urgently. "You're not alone, Shepard, stay still. Don't talk. Nod if you're hearing me."

I force my head up and down, though it feels like moving under water.

"That's my girl," Garrus breathes. "I knew you were still there. Good girl." The words make my heart skip, but that hurts. "Listen to me, Shepard. Do you remember what happened? Do you remember the artifact?"

The artifact. It all comes rushing back with a vengeance, the artifact that Kenson called Object Rho grabbing me and forcing visions into my head. Kenson pulling a gun on me, her men shooting at me...she wants to stop The Project. She wants to let the Reapers invade.

The Reapers!

Another skip of my heart. "Easy, Shepard. You're in bad shape. You were shot several times, and that artifact did a number on you, but you're alive. They pumped you full of Medi-Gel, and Chakwas will take care of you when we get you home."

Home. Yes, I want to go home. I want to get back to him. But the Reapers are coming. We have to stop them.

"Shepard, I...I'm so sorry," he breathes, voice breaking. That hurts more than what I remember now are gunshot wounds. "They have anti-aircraft guns, and taking them out could damage the facility too much for The Project to matter. We can't...we can't get through like this. Not in time. I can't get to you."

I can hear the heartbreak and shame in his voice, and it makes me ball my hands into fists. Now not only did Kenson betray me and threaten the lives of the entire galaxy, but she's broken Garrus's heart. I know how much it must hurt him to not be able to help me, to be so far from me. He has no idea that he's always saving my life.

"You have to get yourself out of there, Shepard," he tells me, voice firmer now. "And you can do that, can't you? You'll get back to me, right?"

I nod. It's easier this time.

"Good girl. There are two guards in the room, your twelve o'clock. They aren't facing you, so you should be able to lift your head and spot them."

I follow his direction, pain surging through my head, but I ignore it to look at the guards. I also look at myself; they left me in my armor so they didn't treat any of the gunshot wounds. But at least they also left the visor on.

"There is a window at your six into another lab. They're going to see you once you start moving and probably trigger an alert, so you need to take out the two guards with you quickly and take one of their weapons. All of your weapons were put into that locker at the edge of the room." Garrus pauses, breathing steadily, but I can hear his fear. "Listen to me, baby. You'll have to be fast. I know you're in pain and I hate that, but I need to ask you to do this, okay?"

Another nod. Even easier this time. Yes, my body is abnormally heavy and goddamnit being shot hurts. But I have Garrus waiting for me; that's more than enough incentive to get me the hell out of here. Keeping the Reapers at bay for a little while longer is icing on that cake.

I take a few deep breaths, then hold the last one to keep myself silent as I swing off the table in one fluid motion. My boots hit the ground almost silently, but a bang sounds on the glass behind me almost instantly. I've already reached the guards by the time they turn around. With no incentive not to fight dirty while unarmed, I throw my knee into one's groin and use his distraction to headbutt the other. I drive that one back into the wall, knocking him unconscious on impact, and then kick the other in the head for the same effect.

"Fuck yeah, Shepard," I hear Jack cheer on the comms.

"Welcome back, my love," Garrus breathes, his voice full of relief.

"Always knew that voice could work magic," I tease, steadying myself while I grab the first gun I see.

"Trouble," Garrus chuckles softly. "They locked you in instead of barging through. Get your gear, then the console is on the other side of that wall."

I take stock of my injuries while getting my weapons back on. "Do you know how many times I was shot?"

"The visor recorded four," he answers. I'm sure he sounds steadier to people who don't know him so well; he sounds terrified to me. "Give me a sitrep, how are you feeling?"

"I..." My first instinct is to blow him off. I want to lie and build my walls. But that's not going to help either of us, especially not if he can make sure medical care is waiting for me. "The one at my waist is...close to my ribs. They might be broken. It's hard to tell where the other ones are, it..."

"Hurts everywhere?"

"Yeah," I confess.

"Shepard." It's a whisper, a plea, an apology.

"It's okay," I assure him, and I mean it, heading around that wall he mentioned while the scientist behind the window yells at me not to. Very effective. "I'm up, I can move everything, I can hold my gun straight. This is a lot better than that fucking Reaper artifact digging through my brain."

That gives me pause. There was a Reaper in my brain, trying to convince me to stop fighting. I can still hear it now, I can remember how...tempting that felt. I hate it, and I know I fought it, I remember clinging to Garrus's voice instead but...

What if it got me?

"Shepard, you with me?" Garrus asks. I shake my head and cling to him again, focusing on where I am and what I have to do. I need to stop the Reaper invasion - I want to. They aren't in my head now.

I find a log on a console and play it, unable to stow my curiosity and sure that Garrus will warn me if anyone is coming. Or the visor will; this thing is damn useful.

"The project is almost complete." The face and voice match the scientist currently on the other side of the glass and watching me. "I thought I'd feel a sense of accomplishment, but instead, I feel dread. I can't help but think we're doing something terrible."

"Why do I have the feeling she's not talking about all the Batarians that could die?" I mutter at the screen. These morons, leaving a Reaper artifact in the open like that. And the Alliance for letting them!

"Try to stay calm, Shepard, Chakwas isn't happy about your heart rate," Garrus advises. I blink and realize that the notification for that on the visor is red and blinking...and high. Oops.

I take a breath, ignoring the surge of pain it brings to my side, and move to the other set of consoles. One has a LOKI mech control...and there are LOKI mechs in the next room. "Does this do what I think it does?"

"Yes," Tali answers for Garrus. "Hacking it should be similar to the Geth. One second...there! You're in."

I press a button and watch a mech in the next room stand up. "Oh, this is cool." I want to let the scientist run, but she starts shooting at my mech, so I take her down without a lot of concern or remorse. They shot me first. My mech faces off against four others that come into the room and then the hall is clear.

"Okay, there's a power junction in front of the mech. Shoot it, and it should open the door into your room."

I make the mech fire, but there's a glass panel in front of the door. When I make the mech move closer, the glass comes down. "Oh, well. It was nice knowing you." I make the mech fire again, and the explosion takes it out. It also opens the door and frees me, so mission complete for that mech.

"Shepard has escaped!" Kenson's voice shouts over the comms. "All available personnel to the medical wing."

"You took out a lot of them in the initial shootout, Shepard," Garrus tells me. "EDI anticipates they're at about half force. How you feeling about kicking all their asses?"

"Damn good," I answer, pulling the pistol he gifted me into my hands and setting the ammo to incendiary. I want this to hurt. "I have to get this asteroid moving and get the hell out of here."

"Go get 'em, kid. We'll be ready to pick you up."

I'm definitely hindered by the gunshots and pain. I can't take deep breaths or breathe very well at all, and my head is pounding along with my heart. My left leg is killing me, I'm pretty sure my boot is full of blood, and I can't quite bend my knee properly. So I have a limp and shallow lungs, but I also have a lot of ammo and a galaxy to save. And Garrus is waiting for me.

I am not staying here.

I have to hack through the door at the end of the hall, but it's simple compared to what Garrus has been challenging me to learn lately. In the next hall, I encounter my first resistance, and I make them pay for it. Kenson continues to shout for them to stop me, but her instructions about where I am in relation to the central lab are very helpful in finding my way around. EDI picks up the slack where I need it, the whole team cheers me on, Garrus is consistently there - exactly what I need him to.

Shooting with the injuries and pain is a challenge, but stopping isn't an option, and I'm still a better shot than any of these guards. It pisses me off that they could take me down earlier; that never would have happened if the Reaper hadn't gotten into my brain.

I press through, moving from room to room steadily. I know I have to keep pace if I'm going to stop the Reapers in time, so I switch to my Geth Pulse Rifle; with this, I need one bullet for every guard. I make up enough time that I feel confident stopping to play a log from a data pad.

"Kenson's acting strange lately," a man says on the log. "Like she doesn't care about The Project anymore. And I know I'm not the only one having those dreams! The Reapers are coming, she says. But I'm not sure if I'm hearing fear or hope in her voice."

I swallow down questions about whether or not Hackett or anyone from the Alliance spoke to Kenson recently and had these same misgivings. The guards up ahead of better shields, but they still aren't much of a challenge. Once they're gone, I stop at a desk with a log from Kenson herself.

"The longer we're here, the more I'm convinced The Project must be stopped," she says. "We simply don't know enough about what the Reapers want. It's foolish to assume the Reapers mean doom for the galaxy! Legends say they've been here before, and yet life continues, doesn't it?"

I hear someone scoff, and then Jacob asks, "She doesn't wonder where the Protheans went after the Reapers last visit?"

"No, she doesn't. With the Reapers in your head...you want to believe them." Silence is the reply to me over the comms, and I imagine that wasn't the most comforting thing I could have said to my crew.

"Kenson got indoctrinated, but she's not innocent. Like Saren," Garrus notes. "They brought this on themselves, and if they aren't stopped, they'll doom the galaxy."

I nod to agree and move on, rushing for the opportunity to push the button that will launch The Project even while I'm dreading it. "Any chance someone thought of another way out of this while I was unconscious? Something that doesn't involve mass murder?"

Another tense silence. "In war, casualties must be expected." Castis; I'd almost forgotten he was on the Normandy...and watching me get shot. Great. "We are already at war with the Reapers, whether or not the entire galaxy chooses to accept that."

Well, I was right about him being a useful ally. But Garrus was right about his inability to understand gray areas. I can know that this is necessary and still hate it.

I move on anyway, crossing another bridge and finally reaching an area I recognize. Project control. The room is, of course, well guarded. I keep cover for my sake now, whereas for the rest of the day I was extra cautious simply to keep Garrus from losing his shit. I'm not sure how many more bullet wounds my body can take without care or rest; I'm not actually sure how it's handling the ones I have taken. That's a problem for Future Shepard.

With the guards using cover around the room, I switch to my sniper rifle and pick them off one by one. The visor does make this thing a lot easier to use when the weapon has never felt natural to me. I won't be an expert anytime soon, but I make it work. And I find some Medi-Gel; the slight relief from the pain would probably let me breathe easier if not for the rib injuries.

And then that's it. No one else is here to stop me, and the console with the controls for The Project, for the engine that will drive this asteroid into the Alpha Relay, is waiting for me across the room. All I have to do is walk over there and activate it.

That, and murder three hundred thousand people.

"Shepard...we asked the Alliance to start evacuating when you got to the station," Garrus tells me. "Between them dragging their feet and probably not trying very hard, and the Batarians not trusting them..."

"They didn't evacuate," I finish, feeling the words echo through my hollow chest. "They're all still down there, and they'll all die."

"Spirits. I'd give anything to take this burden from you," Garrus breathes.

I might actually be tempted to let him right now. "It has to be done, though. Right?"

"Right." 

I nod; I needed him to confirm it. I trust him more than anyone in the galaxy, I trust his instincts even more than my own. We both know this has to be done.

But ice flows through my veins as I approach that console.

"Welcome to Project Control," a pleasant VI says when I wake it up.

"I...I want to activate The Project," I tell it, my voice hoarse and almost unfamiliar. It's like my throat is trying to keep the words in. I wish I could.

"Warning. Activating the project will result in an estimated three hundred and five thousand casualties." The VI uses that same calm, pleasant voice to deliver the warning and even displays the number on the screen for me. It's a huge number.

Every single one of those deaths is at my hands.

"It's trillions saved, Shepard," Garrus reminds me. "It gives us time to get ready, to win the war with the Reapers."

"Necessary casualties," I say, echoing his father. Garrus doesn't respond, but he doesn't have to.

My hand trembles as I move toward the button to start The Project, and I have to close my eyes to actually push it. I'm too much of a coward to look. Instantly, I hear engines outside roar to life, and the force of the sudden movement throws me forward, new pain surging through all of my gunshot wounds. I think blood is leaking through my armor on my side, but if I look, Garrus will see.

And who cares if I got shot? I just executed almost half a million people.

"Project activation in progress," the VI confirms. "Warning. Collision with mass relay is imminent. Begin evacuation procedures."

"Shepard, no!" Kenson screams, her face popping up on the console. "Do you have any idea what you've done? You leave me no choice. If we can't stop this asteroid, it must be destroyed. Because of you, everyone on this rock will be obliterated."

I won't lie and say that there isn't a temptation to let her destroy the asteroid, maybe even with me on it. That way, we don't have to kill any other people. But if this asteroid doesn't take out the relay, I'll have failed to stop the Reapers. And if I die here, I'll have failed Garrus. Neither is an option.

I look Kenson in the eye and reply, "Not if I can help it."

I turn and start running, shooting my way through the guards that have finally arrived. EDI tells me that Kenson is going to the reactor core module and does something with the visor that gives me a directional aid. It's a good thing since running is making the pain worse and that combined with the tears stinging my eyes and horrible guilt weighing down my chest is making focus difficult.

Run and shoot, run and shoot and stop Kenson. Stop Kenson and get home to Garrus. That's all I can do.

I find Kenson at the reactor core and stop where she's staring at me through a window. "Don't try to stop me, Shepard," she snaps. "I have to do this."

"I've already activated the project. We can still escape this rock."

She turns away from me, toward the reactor core, and lowers her head. "There is no escape. There's no redemption for what you've done. I will die never having seen the Reapers blessings! And you will just die!"

She turns and moves away, out of view, and my stomach drops. Another life I'll have to take today. "Damnit, Kenson."

Two more guards appear to try and keep me out of the elevator, but they go down hard. As I ride it up, the VI tells me, "Safety protocol disengaged. Core temperature rising."

More guards face off with me when I get out. They must realize by now what the plan is, they must know that Kenson intends for them to go down with this ship. Either they're exceptionally loyal to her, or the entire crew at this station was indoctrinated. Either way, this is disgusting and makes me feel gross.

What would happen to my crew if I were indoctrinated, if I started leading them down a path like this? Would they even notice what happened to my brain? I know at least one of them would. My best friend, the man bonded to me...he would know.

And what would he do?

I don't let the questions slow me down, using the station VI and EDI to get me through the process of countering the damage Kenson is doing to the reactor core. Even in the maintenance area, her guards try to stop me. They fail, like all the others. None of my questions will matter if I go down like this, and that's not happening.

"You're almost there, Shepard," Garrus encourages me. I wonder if he can tell what's going on in my brain, if not my body. And the pain is getting worse. Quickly. I need to be done with this soon if I'm going to avoid permanent damage. Finding more Medi-Gel happens at exactly the right moment, just before I get to the last cooling control.

"You've done nothing, Shepard!" Kenson shouts at me through the station comms. If that were true, she probably would sound so worked up. "I can still override power to the engines. Try to stop me!"

"Gladly," I respond even though I'm sure she can't hear me.

EDI gets me to the right elevator, and there's no one left to stand in my way as I move to the reactor core. Kenson is standing at a console, pulling her own hair.

"Step away from the reactor," I tell her, leveling my pistol at her. I've learned not to hesitate to shoot with her.

"You've ruined everything!" she screeches, slamming her hands down on the console.

"Turn around! Now!"

She does, and I realize her face is streaked with tears. She coughs out a sob, shoulders dropping. "You've taken them away from me. I will never see the Reapers arrival." She lifts up her hand and reveals the trigger to a bomb. "All you had to do was stay asleep. None of this had to happen."

"It's not a dead man switch," Garrus breathes in my ear. "Trust your gut."

It's the advice I needed. I lower my gun and step closer. "Kenson, you don't have to do this. We can get off this asteroid."

"No...we cannot."

Her thumb comes down on the button, and there's a split second of dead silence except for Garrus gasping. And then a blast of heat throws me backward, directly into a wall. If my ribs weren't broken before, they are now, and agony rips through my body.

"So much for my gut," I groan, rolling to my knees carefully. My left leg gives completely, and I can't even cry out at the pain because there isn't enough air in my lungs.

"She failed, Shepard!" Garrus says through the comms. "The bomb didn't work, the asteroid is still moving, still on target."

As if on cue, the VI announces, "Warning: Collision Imminent."

"Come on, baby, I need you to get up and get moving. EDI gave you coordinates to a landing pad we can access, we're here." He's half ordering, half begging, and it hurts to hear. But not as much as my body hurts. "Shepard, now!" That one was all order, and it works, my instincts to obey him kicking in enough that I manage to find my feet. Well, the one I can put any weight on.

I try to run but it ends up as a hobble. I can taste blood in my throat, feel my heart stuttering. I can see all my problems on the bio stats, too. They shut off a second after I see them, like Garrus knew I didn't want to.

"You're almost there, Shepard, come on." Tali. I certainly can't let Tali watch me die, not after she just found her dead father's body.

 _Stop it, Shepard._ I can't think like that, like dying is an option. It's not. I'm banged up and the pain is blinding, but I'm alive and I have no plan to die again.

"I'm coming," I tell them, tell Garrus.

"I know, baby, and we're here. I have you. One foot in front of the other."

"We got trouble," Joker says softly, like he doesn't want me to hear it.

Garrus swears under his breath and then tells me, "Some of the evacuating crew is still on the landing pad and armed. We can assume they're going to be hostile, especially since they just got abandoned by the last shuttle leaving."

"Shit. I..." I have to swallow to get the words out. "I don't think I can do a big gun fight right now, Garrus."

"Okay. Then you won't have to. Grunt, Thane, Jack, you're with me in the Cargo Bay. Joker, keep near enough that Shepard can reach the airlock but position us to help." They all confirm, and even in so much pain I could throw up, I smile. It's a good plan from a great leader. "I gotta get off the comm with you, Shepard. I'll be here when you get on the ship, though, okay?"

"Go get 'em, big guy."

"Yes, ma'am. See you soon."

I hear movement and lean against the doors to outside, letting myself breathe for a moment. Sort of. Breathing has become a challenge. I dare to press my hand to the armor on my side and find it missing. And not a small piece. My hand comes away covered in blood, and I'm grateful Garrus wasn't there to see.

"Okay, Shep, let's get you home," Joker says. "The Normandy is in position. I'll let you know when those guys have the enemy scrambling, and then all you'll have to do is haul ass."

"Will you accept limping and bleeding instead?"

He laughs. "Don't I always?" There's a pause and then, more seriously, he says, "You did what had to be done, Shepard. That's what matters."

I nod even though he can't see me because I don't believe it enough to respond. That seems good enough for him though, and a moment later, he's giving me the okay to move. The doors open onto the landing pad and, sure enough, the Normandy is waiting at the other end. She's a glorious sight right now.

The station guards are all firing in that direction, but I stick to cover as much as possible on my way across. I don't need to get caught in the crossfire. As I near the Normandy, I can see most of the guards going down and my crew firing from a fairly precarious position on the open bay door. I nearly trip from shock when I realize Castis Vakarian is among them.

The enemy is behind me and I start to pick up the pace. Watching the relay approach is both motivation to escape and motivation to hate myself. The worst of this whole thing is yet to come.

And then when I'm just feet from the Normandy, something else approaches the landing pad. Sort of. "Oh...shit," I hear Joker breathe.

"Is that one of them?" Solana asks.

"A Reaper," I answer, even though it's just a hologram. I haven't seen one of these bitches in a while - more than two years, apparently.

It comes down to hover right in front of me and a deep mechanical voice says, "Shepard. You have become an annoyance."

"Flattery will get you everywhere."

"You fight against inevitability. Dust, struggling against cosmic winds. This seems a victory to you, a star system sacrificed. But even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us."

I shrug my shoulders. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we can't win this. But we'll fight you regardless. Just like we did Sovereign. Just like I'm doing now." I have to fight for breath between words but I refuse to let this asshole machine see that. "However insignificant we might be, we will fight, we will sacrifice, and we will find a way."

"Know this as you die in vain," the Reaper replies. "Your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the arrival."

As he fades away, I promise, "We'll be ready."

I don't glance back toward the guards or to where the Reaper was, just walk right onto the ship. I ignore the cockpit and no one tries to stop me even though I'm leaking blood on the floor toward the CIC. I need to see it. I have to watch it, with my eyes open this time. I deserve that.

I have to drag myself up the ramp to the galaxy map and nearly collapse onto the rail. And then it happens. The Bahak system brightens on the map for a long moment before going dark. Dark. Gone. Dead.

All of them.

Because of me. 

"Ah, kid," I hear Garrus breathe from behind me. His presence breaks the dam. If he's here, I can break. And this time, I shatter. 

I lose all sense of my surroundings. There's a moment where I think I've fainted, and then I realize I can hear something. Screaming. My throat burns, my lungs are protesting, my stomach heaving. And the screaming won't stop. 

Something folds around me, heavy and hard. I recognize the scent of sun-warmed metal before I realize it's him. Garrus. And that screaming...it's me. 

"Please, Elle," he's pleading, face pressed into my hair while he crushes me against his chest. I can feel him rocking me...or maybe the ship, the universe is swaying. It's hard to tell. 

Everything has collapsed. It's like the crash I have sometimes with him, but a million times worse. I can't stop, I can't breathe, I can't...

"She needs to be sedated," I hear someone say. Who? And then there's movement; is he carrying me?

Garrus's voice continues to reach me, whispering and pleading and saying soft things. But I can't feel him. I'm too broken for him. 

There's a lot of movement all of a sudden, and I don't know how to react to any of it. Things are happening, Garrus is trying to talk to me - holding my face, but he's blurry and dark. There's a new pain, a sudden one, and I try to fight it. No more, I can't take anymore. 

Again, I'm wrapped in that heavy, hard thing that smells so good. Garrus. 

Darkness calls, but not the bad kind. Not space. No, this one is soothing. This one is welcoming. I fall into the abyss, knowing that I deserve whatever awaits me this time. I need him waiting, though. 

"Garrus?"

"I have you." 

*****

My heart has never been so completely broken because I've never seen anyone break the way Shepard does. I've guided her through panic attacks and nightmares, I've seen her through serotonin crashes, and I have never seen her anywhere close to this. 

Every scream chips off another piece of my heart, and I'm sure she doesn't even know she's screaming. Her eyes are distant, wild in the bad way. She doesn't know where she is or what's going on, all she knows is the horrible pain shredding her - physically and emotionally. Her body is battered, her injuries severe and numerous, and her mind just cannot handle the additional strain. 

Not after what just happened. 

I understand why she needed to see the galaxy map for herself when the asteroid hit the relay, but I wish I'd been there to stop her from seeing it. I should have been there. I've failed her in so many ways today, and now she's screaming and shattered in the CIC. 

I hold her as tight as I can, giving no thought to her injuries because they won't matter if we can't calm her down. I repeat her name and beg for her to hear me, but I can't reach her. 

"Garrus, she needs to be sedated," Solana says, coming to my side and putting her hand gently on my fringe. I look up at her, finding her eyes wet with unshed tears and her face wracked with pain. "Her heart and lungs can't take this, we don't have time for her to calm down. She needs sedation, Garrus, she needs this." 

I look back down at Shepard, daring to pull her away from my chest only enough to look into her eyes. I take her chin in my hand, but she's barely seeing me. I could ask if she wants sedation, but she won't hear me. Whatever I do right now, I have to do without her consent. 

The fear in her eyes spurs me into motion. I cannot let her stay terrified, and I have to trust that I know her well enough to do what she'd want. I have to believe she trusts me enough to allow it. Shepard doesn't move when I lift her; I'm not even sure she knows we're moving. EDI has the elevator moving the second we're on board, Solana and Miranda with me and giving reports to Chakwas who is preparing the Med Bay. My father is here too, though I don't know why. He doesn't move or say a word, and I don't care. 

I bury my face in Shepard's hair again, nuzzling her head and hoping she can feel me. "You're okay," I whisper. "You're okay, kid, I promise. You're okay." 

The doors open and I rush through them, moving directly toward the Med Bay. When I try to put Shepard onto a bed, she screams even louder and finally moves, clinging to me in a death grip. Yet another piece of my heart breaks as I sink onto the cot with her, keeping her in my lap and surrounding her with my body as much as I can. I continue to whisper to her while giving a nod to Chakwas; they want my consent as Shepard's, and I can't think about what that means right now. 

"You're okay," I promise again as Chakwas makes the injection in Shepard's neck. Her instincts to protect herself kick in and she makes an attempt at swinging backward, but I catch her fist and keep her close. "It's alright, baby, breathe. No one is going to hurt you, I'm right here." Her head drops back a little, heavy from the sedation flowing through her veins, and I press my forehead to hers. It even feels like she leans into a little. 

"Garrus?" she slurs, the first coherent thing she's said since coming back on the ship. Her voice is raw, broken. 

"I have you," I whisper in response. Her body goes limp almost immediately after, Shepard falling unconscious and finally looking peaceful. I brush a curl behind her ear and tug the lobe, praying to any spirit listening that the next time I see her eyes, that fear is gone. I can't take more of that. 

"We need to examine her, Garrus," Chakwas breathes, covering one of my hands with her. "It's okay, let us help her." 

I nod, easily trusting the woman who has repeatedly saved us, who gave me a flashlight out of the darkness, who gave me her blessing to marry this woman she thinks of as a daughter. I shift off the bed, holding Shepard, and then have to turn and put her back down. But no matter how much I trust Chakwas, putting Shepard down - letting her out of my arms - right now physically hurts. 

"I know," Chakwas promises, nodding. Her grey eyes are wet, too. "I know that this is hard and you feel helpless. But we are not. We're going to help her body heal, and you know how much that will help her mind. And when she wakes up, you'll be here." 

"Okay," I manage in a whisper that doesn't really sound like me. I lower Shepard gently, her body limp. When she's down, the full extent of her injuries strikes me. Her armor has major holes, including one that leads to the nasty rib wound she told me about. Most of her visible flesh - both the parts meant to be visible and those through the armor - is covered in blood, and when Miranda removes her boots, blood pours out from one of them. 

"I'm sorry," Miranda offers with a brief glance at me. "We can't slow down." 

I nod at her, too. I don't trust her as much, but she cares about Shepard in a weird way. And she's capable. She'll help Chakwas bring my girl back. 

"I'm going to stay and help, too," Solana says, approaching the bed and pulling gloves on. "If that's okay with you, Dr. Chakwas?" 

"Absolutely, I'll take all the help I can get," Chakwas answers, putting an oxygen mask over Shepard's face. "Garrus, we need the space. I need you to go for now, but you know I'll let you know as soon as she's okay." 

I nod, but I don't move. I'm not sure I can. This happened because I let Shepard go; if I'd been on that station with her, she wouldn't be hurt like this. I would have ripped every guard apart before they had a chance to hurt my bondmate. But I wasn't there. I wasn't there, and now I can't be here even though she needs me. 

My father's large hand lands heavily on my shoulder. "I know what this is like," he murmurs, speaking softer than I've ever heard him. "I know how it hurts to walk away. But that's what Shepard needs from you right now. And you will always do what she needs of you." 

Shepard needs this. It's not about me. I lean down and press my mouth to her forehead before bringing my forehead down to meet hers. "I love you so much," I whisper to her. "I'll be here when you wake up, kid." One final kiss, and then I step away. 

My father takes my arm like he knows I'll need the guidance, and he probably does know. A familiar, cold hollowness builds in my chest with every step away from Shepard. But she's not leaving me this time. She's not gone, she's getting help. I'll have her back in my arms this time, and I am not going to let that cold, the darkness, keep that from happening. 

I lift my head and take a breath before walking through the Med Bay doors. I'm going to be what Shepard needs. 

The entire crew is sitting in the Mess Hall, waiting and agonizing. The warmth at the sight, Shepard's family here waiting, eases some of that cold inside me. I note that none of them has even a single alcoholic drink with them and my heart swells even further. They're here for me, too. 

"They're beginning surgery now," my father begins, easing the burden of making this announcement for me. "I've heard a lot about your Dr. Chakwas, and Solana is one of Palaven's finest surgeons. Shepard is going to be just fine." 

I look at him, finding nothing but sincerity on his face. None of this derision I'm used to, none of the shame over watching his son crumble around a human. "Thank you," I offer. For maybe the first time ever, I'm glad he's here. 

I sit among the crew, Tali leaning into my side and Jack holding my opposite hand. "When she wakes up...it'll all still have happened," Joker notes, his voice low and somber. "She still has to live with..." 

Shepard has to live with three hundred thousand new deaths, and we all know our commander well enough that she'll blame herself for every single of them. 

"We'll need to remind her why she did it. Why it was necessary," I tell them, looking around at all of them. "She just stopped the Reaper invasion. They were here, they were ready, and Shepard stopped them. We have time now, time to get the galaxy together and prepared. She'll feel those deaths forever, we all will, but we remind her that they did not die in vain." 

"First the Collectors, and then the Reapers," Tali says with a firm nod. 

"Damn right. And Shepard will lead us to take both down." Their excitement is muted, given the situation and where we are, but palpable. They're still on Shepard's six, they're still with us. They believe in her as much as I do, and we all know our commander won't let us down. My girl saved the galaxy today, and she'll do it again. 

And I'll be by her side the whole time.


	43. Anything

I know I'm in Med Bay almost as soon as I wake up. The lights above me have become a little too familiar for my tastes. But there's a sense of safety here; I only wake up in Med Bay after I'm healed in Med Bay.

None of the pain I felt when I was last awake is present. Not the physical pain anyway. I take a deep breath, and there's a sharp tug in my side, but it's barely a pang in comparison, and the air moves all the way through my lungs. My leg doesn't hurt at all, nothing hurts the way it did.

Except...

Instantly, I want Garrus. I lift a hand, half expecting him to take it immediately, but when no one does, I use it to push up a little. "Oh, he is gonna be pissed you finally woke up the second he left the room," someone else in the room laughs.

It takes me a second to realize this Turian is not Garrus, though she looks like her brother. Solana.

She steps forward and takes my hand now, squeezing gently. "Are you in any pain? Do you need anything?"

I need Garrus. "Coffee," I answer honestly. "I can - "

"No!" she interjects the moment I even start to move. "You're not going anywhere yet. Let me get it for you."

"I don't want you to - "

"Shepard," she interrupts much more gently this time. "It would be my pleasure to get a cup of coffee for my future bond-sister." My heart skips at the words; does that mean he told them we're engaged? Even if she's just assuming, it feels damn good to hear. She grins and adds, "And I'll get what you really want while I'm out there. I'm sure he hasn't gone far."

She leaves the room, leaving me smiling, and I take the moment alone to assess. I remember watching the explosion on the galaxy map, I certainly remember everything before that...but what comes after is hazy. I don't remember getting from the galaxy map to here. Something in my gut tells me that's for the best, though.

I remember the Reaper in my head, too. I don't think I'll ever forget that. God, I wanted to give into it. What if I had? What if that happens without even realizing it, slowly and over time like Benezia and Saren said in what feels like another lifetime now. What if they get to me?

The doors whoosh open and every concern, every fear, every ounce of remaining pain leaves me in a flood. Garrus zeroes in on me and makes a bee line. I feel like I haven't seen him in days, starved for him, so I'm already leaning up to meet his mouth when he comes down to me. His hand slips into my hair to hold me still but he meets my tongue with all the need I can feel exploding through me. He breaks away after only a second, but it's enough that my head is spinning.

"I knew you'd come back to me," he whispers, putting his forehead against mine. I lean into that touch too, reveling in the now-familiar tingle it brings in my spine.

"Always," I respond, holding his face between my hands. "I don't remember a lot of what happened after getting back to the ship, but I know you were there. Thank you."

Garrus winces and shakes his head, then kisses me again briefly to keep me from protesting. "It doesn't matter what happened. You're here, and you're gonna be fine."

"Yes, she will," Chakwas says from behind Garrus, seconds after the doors open again. "But fondling my patient is still not allowed, Garrus Vakarian."

"I have an issue with this treatment plan," I quip even while letting Garrus pull away a little. When I spot his father standing not two feet from the bed, my face heats. He heard and saw all of that. He heard and saw everything that happened, including...oh, no. "Oh. I...I freaked out, didn't I?"

Garrus narrows his eyes at me as Chakwas approaches my other side. "You had a severe panic attack brought on by the trauma to your body and mind - and I don't just mean the Reaper," the doctor tells me firmly. "A normal person wouldn't have made it that far and wouldn't have recovered."

"She's never been normal," Garrus replies. I stick my tongue out at him, and his eyes brighten.

"Special delivery," Solana announces as she returns holding a mug between her hands. I accept it greedily - probably the only thing I'd let go of Garrus's hand for right now - and take a big sip even while it's too hot. Garrus takes one of my hands back the second he can while Chakwas and Solana quickly examine me. I learn that I was shot six times and had a number of broken ribs that started healing even before I got into surgery, thanks to cybernetics. They have no lingering concerns.

"Whether I like it or not, you'll be battle ready as soon as you need to be."

"And unfortunately...that's sooner than I would like," Garrus adds with a grimace. I frown at him, curious, but he shakes his head. "We'll talk about it later. You're going to take it easy this morning. And that starts with eating. I'll go get - "

"Don't go." I squeeze his arm harder than I mean to, but even the thought of him walking away right now is too much for me. I need him to stay. Garrus smiles like he understands and brushes the hair behind my ear, tugging the lobe.

"You can get dressed and go to your quarters, Shepard," Chakwas suggests. "You aren't allowed out of bed once you're up there, not for the rest of the day, but I'm sure someone will bring you breakfast."

"Allow me," Castis offers, nodding his head almost respectfully. But considering he told Garrus to keep me as a side piece and marry someone else, that seems pretty impossible. Garrus looks confused by it too, especially when Castis walks out of the room without any further comment.

"Don't question it, take advantage," Solana advises her brother, motioning toward me. "Get her upstairs, get some rest. Can I bring up the next dose of painkillers and spend some time with you two?"

"Please do," I answer quickly. I haven't had nearly enough time with the bubbly, bright Vakarian doctor who evidently had a hand in helping me. "Thank you, by the way. You helped, obviously, and I'm really grateful."

Solana flashes me a beaming smile and squeezes my hand. "Anything." She smiles at Garrus before heading out of the room. Chakwas offers us privacy so I can get dressed and follows her out, and EDI shutters the windows.

A peace washes over me when I realize I'm alone with Garrus. I missed him more than I could ever explain while I was on Aratoht, and there was a minute during the shootout where I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again. I remember how guilty Garrus sounded too when he told me that a ground crew couldn't come in to rescue me. The distance was almost impossible for either of us to manage, and it's not something I want to do ever again.

"I want to hold you, but I'm not sure I'll be able to let you go again once I do, so it needs to wait until we're upstairs," Garrus tells me, obviously on the same page. He reaches to the table beside the bed and presents me with clothes, including one of his shirts that I steal regularly.

"You know, I never have asked what this shirt says," I note, using the conversation to distract me from the lingering and rising pain when I sit up and turn to hang my legs over the bed, Garrus supporting every movement. "Am I walking around with something totally inappropriate on my tits?"

He barks out a laugh before kneeling with my underwear in his hands. I try not to focus on how helpless being dressed makes me feel and instead appreciate the care he gives me. "It's a logo for a gaming company. Nerdy but not naughty, I promise."

"I suppose I'll have to take your work for it," I tease. He flashes me a grin. When he has both my sweatpants and underwear around my knees, Garrus puts my socks on before guiding me to stand. He knew I wouldn't want to stand on the cold floor. My leg hurts, but not more than it would after a sparring match, and I notice immediately that I can bend my knee now. "How long was I down?"

"Two days," he answers, and immediately I can hear the strain in his voice.

He pulls my pants the rest of the way up, and I stop him from moving away, trapping his hands at my hips. A closer examination of his face assures me that he hasn't been sleeping, and there's enough lingering guilt and pain in his impossibly blue gaze to gut smile. I smile and take his face between my hands, running my thumbs over his clan markings. Garrus leans into the touch and closes his eyes. "You saved my life," I tell him. "Again. Getting back to you got me off that station."

He pulls me closer, still gentle, and whispers, "Always come back to me, Shepard."

"I will," I promise, sealing it with a soft kiss. He looks less pained when we part, so I release him and turn to let him untie my hospital gown at the back. Morbid curiosity makes me look down at my waist where the worst of the injuries was; now all that remains is a glowing orange scar. "Considering how much these scars bothered me at first, it's absurd how happy I am to see this one."

"I have a love-hate relationship with all your scars," Garrus informs me, helping me clasp my bra after I pull it on. "You earned every one of them, and I love seeing how strong you are. I also love tracing them." I shiver when his talon slips across an older scar on my hip. "But I hate reminders that you were hurt. This one," he motions to my waist, "might be my least favorite."

"I know what you mean about hating the reminders," I note, reaching up to touch the injured side of his face. "And this is going to heal way before those. Then you'll have something new to trace."

"Looking forward to it," he purrs, kissing me softly before pulling my shirt on over my head. I push my arms through and shift away from the bed, testing out my own weight. "Okay? Any chance you'll let me carry you upstairs?"

"I'd need no legs to agree to that, Vakarian, and even then, I'd put up a fight."

Garrus just rolls his eyes at me and offers his arm. I take it, letting him wrap his other arm around my waist and bear most of my weight. He can handle it, and I already know this is going to be an exhausting endeavor. Especially when I walk out of Med Bay and get instantly bombarded.

I'm absolutely not sad that any of them are here to see me, and I don't mind hugging Tali, Kelly, and Gabby - more than once. Even Jack pats my back, which is like flowers and diamonds levels of affection from that one. It's incredibly sweet and, as always, I count my blessings. Being on a Cerberus ship, this could have been a nightmare, but the team I put together and the crew hired by Cerberus are better than I could have imagined. I'm proud to be leading them into hell.

Garrus gets them all away from me after a few minutes, probably because he can tell how much heavier I need to lean into him now. They promise to ambush us with a movie in our quarters tonight and then we're free to go. When the elevator doors close, I can feel myself growing more exhausted by the moment. "Hey, big guy?"

"Yeah?"

"Still wanna carry me?"

He laughs and replies, "Always," before scooping me smoothly into his arms. I tuck myself against his chest, cuddling in even if the right will be short. "Couch or bed?"

"Couch for now, since your dad is apparently bringing me breakfast." I look up at Garrus, not trying to hide my grimace. "He saw everything that happened - me getting shot and freaking out like that. Does he hate me even more now?"

A low growl breaks from Garrus's chest. "If he hates you at all, that's on him. And if he somehow hates you more after watching you survive that, he's a fucking moron. We haven't talked much about what happened; I've been preoccupied."

"I'm surprised they're still here. That wasn't the original plan, was it?"

Garrus shakes his head as we step out. "No, but Solana refused to leave until you woke up."

"I love her already," I admit, and I'm glad I did with the smile it puts on Garrus's face. The doors to our quarters open, and we're immediately greeted by a chorus of urgent meows. "Monster! Oh, my buddy, did you miss your mama?"

Garrus deposits me on the couch and then lifts the kitten into my lap where he starts purring like mad, demanding both my hands be all over him at the same time. He's just as soothing as always, and Garrus setting a blanket down around my shoulders before sitting at my side helps, too. I lean into him and close my eyes, basking that peace with Garrus running his hand through my hair.

"Garrus's father is at the door," EDI announces a few moments later. And there goes the peace.

"You can let him in," I confirm.

I straighten away from Garrus a little, but he doesn't go far. It warms me that he doesn't care what his father sees or knows about us, but I can't help feeling like a general in my quarters deserves a little decorum. 

Castis marches into the room with one tray in each hand, but he does a double take at the fishtank and pauses halfway down the stairs. "I...sort of assumed Solana was exaggerating," he murmurs, almost to himself. I know the feeling and can't help a laugh. 

"Yeah, trust me, I had just as much trouble getting used to it," I tell him. "It's better with fish, though. Empty it was just...weird." 

Castis shakes it off and approaches, putting the trays down on the table in front of us. At Garrus's soft frown, he explains, "I'm aware of the last time you ate, Garrus. She's better now; you have no more excuses." 

"You haven't been eating?" I demand, Garrus already shrinking away like he knew it was coming. "Garrus! How can you take care of me like you want to if you're starving yourself?"

"I was not starving to death," he counters. "In fact, I finished a big ass jar of peanut butter over the last two days, okay?" 

Whether or not that's true, it works to make me not mad at him anymore, and a laugh erupts from me. It hurts my ribs, but I don't care, and I don't fight the urge to kiss him for it. Garrus smiles against my mouth but when I see the blush on his throat as I pull back, I become painfully aware that this xenophobic father who wants him to marry someone else is standing in the room. When I dare a glance up, though, we aren't being glared at. He's lowering onto the far end of the couch, looking around. 

"They consulted Turians on the build of this?" he asks. 

This time, Garrus laughs. "The captain's quarters on the original Normandy were much more...standard. This is a Cerberus upgrade." 

"And honestly, one that I don't mind." 

"I can see why," Castis replies, shocking both of us when he laughs softly. I look to Garrus for help or some kind of signal about what's going on, but he just shakes his head a little. "Please, both of you need to eat. But we need to have a serious discussion while you do." He motions to our trays and after a pause it becomes clear that he's going to continue until we eat. 

"Here," Garrus offers, leaning forward to retrieve mine. I would normally object, but the pain in my ribs is still bad enough that I'm inclined to sit still. And I'll get in trouble with Chakwas and Solana now if I re-injure myself. It's even harder to object when Garrus hands me a big bowl of Gardner's famous mac and cheese; he makes dehydrated, powdered cheese taste like it's a delicacy. Garrus hates the stuff which is fine since I don't have to share; besides, he's perfectly happy with the steak Gardner gave him. 

"You look well, Shepard," Castis offers, snagging the extra cup of coffee from Garrus's tray. I notice there's an extra dessert, too; I would not have guessed this is where Garrus gets his sweet tooth from. "I have to admit that I am...very impressed. Not many people would have had the strength to complete that mission with all the challenges you faced - and I don't just mean the physical injuries." He shakes his head slowly. "The choice you had to make, Shepard...you won't get the credit you deserve for that." 

The macaroni and cheese in my mouth looses all flavor, and I have to force it down. "I think it'll be awhile before I can think of it as anything other than mass murder." 

"Stop," Garrus breathes, leaning down to kiss my head. "Don't do that to yourself." 

"He's right," Castis interjects before I can say anything else. "It's not your fault that the galaxy chooses to be ignorant to the Reaper threat. What you did saved trillions, and you will eventually be remembered for that." I open my mouth and he holds up a stand to stop me, grinning. "I can see you're not someone who seeks glory. That's to be admired these days. It's...honorable." 

I nearly drop my dinner, even if the cheese is a joyful gift. Garrus makes a sound beside me that almost sounds like choking. "Dad...are you drunk?" 

Castis barks out a laugh, and it's the first time he sounds similar to Garrus. His melted chocolate is definitely a little darker than Garrus, revealing either age or just a more serious man in general, but it's instantly recognizable. I could pick that laugh out of a crowd and hearing it puts me instantly more at ease. Granted, that's still very little at ease with Castis, but it's more than a moment ago. 

"I am not drunk, thank you," he says, definitely trying his best to find his stern voice again. "When have you ever known me to rely on alcohol?"

He almost seems to mean it as a joke, but Garrus immediately shifts. It's tiny, I'm certain Castis doesn't notice it and no one else would either, but I know Garrus. He's uncomfortable, and I have to fight the urge to reach for him and bring attention to it. He leans into me just a little more, making it look like nothing more than the need to touch me. I'm humbled yet again to know that he needs me in these moments, needs me for comfort. It's the same way I've always needed him. 

Castis is oblivious though, and that's for the best. 

"I am not..." He takes a breath. "I can't say that I fully understand or approve of...this." He waves between us. "Your relationship will make life more difficult for both of you, and I won't apologize for wanting to protect our family, our legacy. Or for wanting to protect you," he adds with a pointed look at his son. "However..." 

He looks directly at me, and for a moment, I can barely breathe. Is he going to ask me to marry someone else, too?

"I can also see now the honor you will bring to the Vakarian family and to Palaven, Commander Shepard." 

And now I really can't breathe. Did he just... "What?" It takes me a second and Castis laughing to realize that Garrus and I said that at the same time. 

"What happened on Aratoht is going to complicate things further for you, Shepard," Castis continues, growing serious again. "Working with Cerberus is yet another complication. You should prepare yourself for what's to come, both of you. But when this part of your mission is over - and I expect you to get my son back through the Omega Relay...you should come to the Citadel and meet Garrus's mom." 

"Dad," Garrus chokes out, his hand landing heavily on my thigh. I quickly discard my bowl, putting it right down on the couch, so I can grab his hand. For a second, I wonder if I've been hit by Reaper tech again and this is some kind of weird dream. Maybe I got an infection from all the gunshots and this is a hallucination. That seems the only way. But none of this matters unless...

"I appreciate what you're saying, I really do. I know how much it matters to Garrus, too," I tell him. "But I need to know if you still expect Garrus to marry someone else. I can't..." I shake my head and glance at Garrus, my heart piercing. "I can't just have part of you." 

"You don't," Garrus whispers, squeezing my hand almost hard enough it hurts. I can see the question in his eyes, and I nod. It's the right thing. He looks back to his dad and announces, "I asked Shepard to marry me. This was before you got here; it had nothing to do with you. But she said yes, and I have every intention of keeping that promise. If it means I can never see Mom or Sol or the kids again it...it'll break my heart. And I'll marry her anyway.She means that much to me, Dad. She means everything." 

I close my eyes to try and fight back against the pain surging through my chest, and not from any injury. It breaks my heart to think that I'm pulling Garrus away from his family, to know that I'm bringing him the pain that will come with losing his parents. And especially to know that I'm too selfish, I need him too much, to let him go. I thought I could once...but now I know. No Shepard without Vakarian.

Castis takes a deep breath. "I have to admit that I didn't fully believe you were bonded when you told me. I have never heard of a Turian bonding with someone of another species, I didn't know it was possible. I understand now that what I was asking you would be impossible." He shakes his head. "You do not need to marry a Turian." 

"I'm almost scared to ask if we have your blessing for this marriage," Garrus notes. He sounds more than almost scared. 

Now, Castis grins. "We'll see what your mother thinks. She and I will make that decision together." 

"Oh, no pressure," I joke. Sort of. At least it makes both of them laugh. It even almost makes me smile. 

"Commander," Joker says over the comms. "Sorry to interrupt, but Admiral Hackett is on the line. He called as soon as we sent the update that you woke up, wants to talk immediately." 

I feel Garrus stiffen, and my memories of the mission are clear enough for me to remember why. I can also see the look on Castis's face; he's assuming that the complications are about to begin, and I think he's right. But I'm still a soldier, and whether or not I'm currently an Alliance soldier, Admiral Hackett will always be my commanding officer. 

"I'll take the call up here, Joker, thanks." He confirms, and I see the notification flash on the window over my desk for a holo-call. 

"You think he didn't know what was going on down there?" Garrus asks. "What happened to Kenson before you even got there?"

I shake my head. "I've seen too much to know for sure, but I think Hackett is clean. Kenson used her personal connection to him to get me there; that's not on him. If I called Anderson for any reason, he'd send in his best." 

Garrus nods but notes, "You are his best," with a grin. 

"Thank you. Now please get me a somewhat more professional shirt so I can be seen by an admiral." Garrus laughs but nods and darts to the closet. I don't have to ask Castis to turn away while Garrus helps me change, but Garrus blocks me from view anyway. He then helps me off the couch, and I indulge his overprotectiveness. For now. 

I get up to the desk, taking my time mostly for fear I'm wrong about Hackett, and start the holo-call. He seems almost surprised to see me. 

"You recovered," he says in greeting. "It sounds like you went through hell down there. How are you feeling?"

"Fine, Admiral," I answer, folding my hands behind my back and nodding respectfully. It's only half a lie, but it's the answer he expected. 

"You went out there as a favor to me, so I wanted to debrief you as soon as possible," he continues. "Granted, that was before the mass relay exploded and destroyed an entire Batarian system. What the hell happened out there, Commander?"

It's as close to being reprimanded by him as I've ever come, and part of me wants to fold and flinch away from it. I'm still a soldier. But I won't do it. 

"Have you received any intel about what happened?" I ask. "Did you know what Kenson was doing, what The Project entailed?"

Hackett shakes his head. "There was a Reaper artifact, and then she was imprisoned, that's what I know. And I sent you there to get her out of prison, but now an entire system is destroyed. I hope you can fill in the leap logically between those two events." 

"Can you send him the report immediately?" I ask Garrus, turning off screen. 

"Already on it," he answers, tapping on a datapad. I hear it come through on Hackett's end and watch him scanning a datapad. 

"I confirmed Dr. Kenson's proof. The Reapers were coming, and destroying that relay was the only way to stop them." I can hear the guilt in my own voice about it, even knowing what I said was true. "Kenson was indoctrinated; she attacked me. I started the engines on the asteroid with little more than an hour left. I tried to warn the Batarian colony but...time ran out." 

I have to choke out the last three words, and Garrus is there in a flash. He grabs my hand and squeezes, then says, "We also tried to get word to the Alliance to warn the Batarians to evacuate. Both ends dragged their feet." 

"The Batarians report no survivors," he tells us somberly. "At least you tried." 

It'll never be enough, and when Garrus wraps an arm around my shoulder, I accept the comfort without a thought for Hackett's opinions on it. 

Hackett looks up from the datapad and asks, "And you believe the Reaper invasion really was a threat?"

"No doubt about it," I tell him, absolutely certain about this bit. "We had literally minutes to spare." 

"I'm sure all the details are in your report." He motions to the datapad and sighs heavily. "I won't lie to you, Shepard, the Batarians will want blood and there's just enough evidence for a witch hunt. And we don't want war with the Batarians. Especially not with the Reapers at the galaxy's edge." 

"What are you saying?" I ask, my voice suddenly sounding distant to me. His tone is even more ominous than his words, and I can still hear Castis telling me that we should prepare for what's to come. A glance at him reveals his dread.

"You did what you did for the best of reasons," Hackett tells me. "I would have done the same from what I'm hearing. But there were more than three hundred thousand Batarians in that system. All dead." 

My stomach turns. "You don't need to remind me." 

"They died to save trillions of lives," Garrus interjects. I can tell he's having to put significant effort into not snapping. "If Shepard could have saved them, you know she would have." 

"I don't have a doubt in my mind," Hackett agrees. "If it were up to me, I'd give her a damn metal. Unfortunately...not everyone will see it that way. And the fact that you ran this op while working for Cerberus will not help your case." 

I take a deep breath, trying to settle my stomach and my mind. Castis and Hackett are both warning us that backlash is coming, and from what I'm hearing, it's going to be bad. "When the Reapers invade, we need the galaxy to work together. The Alliance cannot be at war with the Batarians when that happens." 

Garrus gives me a concerned look, trying to read my mind. I don't know enough of what's going on in my own head to explain. I don't know what my options are or what to do here. 

"At this point, I can't say what will happen," Hackett tells us. "I imagine there will be some form of...reckoning. I can't stop it, but I can and will make them fight for it. You focus on the Collectors, I'll deal with the Alliance. But when Earth calls...

"Sir, I'll make sure I'm there with my dress blues on," I promise. I don't know what the Alliance will say or expect of me to pay for this, and I assume they'll want me to pay for working with Cerberus, but I do know how I'll respond. No matter who I work for right now, I haven't lost my honor. 

Hacket motions to the datapad again, does something on the screen, and then turns it to show us. Blank. "I don't need to see your report to know you did the right thing, Commander. As far as I'm concerned, you have never let us down." 

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." 

"You've done a hell of a thing. Keep up the good work out there." He nods to Garrus and adds, "And you, too, Vakarian. Keep our girl safe." 

"Will do, sir," Garrus promises. 

"Oh, and...congratulations. Anderson told me about your engagement." Hackett offers a soft smile, the first I've ever seen on the man I've known for more than a decade. "We're thrilled for you both. Hard to imagine two people better suited for one another." 

And with that, he nods and clicks off, leaving us gaping again. "I woke up in an alternate universe where people approve of us." 

Garrus laughs and kisses my head. "Two people, but it's more than we had." He turns back to his dad. "Did you think something like this was coming from the Alliance?" 

"Yes," answers with a somber nod. "I worried it would be worse; it sounds like Hackett may be able to keep them to a citation." 

I flinch. "Not my first." 

"But not as bad as it could be," he counters. Castis shakes his head. "In any case, Hackett will delay them so you still only need to focus on the Collectors - getting through the Omega 4 relay and back after defeating them. And that means you need to focus on getting back to operational status." 

"He's right. Chakwas said you're supposed to be in bed all day." 

Garrus swoops me up into his arms without warning and I yelp in a very undignified way - made even more so by the fact that his father can hear it. "Wait, not bed yet! I was eating mac and..." 

Garrus freezes as my sentence trails off when we both get a look at the couch where I'd forgotten my bowl. My bowl which now has a gray kitten head buried in it. Behind us, Castis barks out a laugh and then covers it poorly with a cough. I can't help a laugh as well until Garrus gives me a dark look and I bite my lip to try and silence it. Of course, biting my lip only makes Garrus give me a different sort of dark look. 

"Best of luck with your monster creature. I'll leave you alone to get some rest." 

"Castis!" I call quickly, shifting in Garrus's arms so I can look back at him. He turns before reaching the doors. "Thank you. I appreciate you giving me a chance to prove I can deserve your son." 

I can tell the words surprise Castis and I can feel the way they surprise Garrus, but Castis gives a short nod before turning and leaving the room. Garrus chooses to ignore it as well and moves right for the bed, depositing me gently on the mattress. "You, stay here. I'm going to deal with your fuzzy troublemaker." 

"Isn't he our fuzzy troublemaker?" I tease. Garrus narrows his eyes but can't hide his smile completely as he pulls the blanket back for me and walks away, aiming for the couch and the cat who is still happily snacking on my lunch. Well, it's really his lunch now. 

I decide to listen to him for once and stay in bed, but it's only because I have plans of my own. I slip under the blankets, making sure to keep an eye on Garrus to make sure he doesn't notice me. He's too busy scolding Monster lightly on the way to the bathroom. God, he's the cutest. Both of them. When the doors to the bathroom shut, I kick my plan into high gear and strip, throwing all my clothes to the other side of the bed so he won't notice them. I snuggle all the way under the blankets after to hide myself from view until he's getting into bed with me. 

A few minutes later, Garrus returns, toweling off a very unhappy kitten. "Yeah, well, if you didn't want a bath, you shouldn't have stuck your face in cheese." 

I get another set of narrowed blue eyes when I laugh, but Garrus puts Monster down to complain on his own before cleaning up from lunch. He waves it off when I thank him and offer to help; I have no intentions of getting up to help, but I do intend to thank him properly. "Solana is coming with my next dose of painkillers, right? Do you know when?"

"Couple hours. Why, are you in pain?" he asks, finally heading for me. 

"No, not at all, really." That's mostly honest; I can feel my injuries, but I also know what will help. "Just wondering how long we have to rest. I missed you." 

Garrus smiles, the expression soft and gentle. "I missed you too, kid." 

He pulls his shirt off before sliding into bed beside me, and I watch surprise flash over his eyes when he pulls me carefully into his arms and feels my bare body. He lifts the blanket with one hand and peeks under; I have to laugh at the expression on his face. "You..." He clears his throat and puts the blanket back down. "You are supposed to be resting." 

"I feel fine," I assure him, pressing against him and pulling his hand back onto my waist. "And if you're really worried...I can lay back and let you do all the work." 

Garrus growls and it shifts into a whimper when I kiss his throat softly. "Mmm this is bad," he breathes even as his hand slides around my back and down to my ass, just grazing. "You were injured, you need more rest." 

"I'm sore and stiff. I need something to loosen me up, to relax me," I argue, kissing up to his jaw between words. "Nothing can make me melt like you can." 

"Oh, baby." His other hand moves into my hair, and he tilts my head back so my face lifts to his. We both moan when he kisses me, and I start to melt almost the second his tongue touches mine. He keeps the kiss and his touches gentle, but I have no complaints so long as he's touching me. Garrus shifts to move over me but makes extra sure none of his body weight is on me. I arch into him, needing more contact, more touch, and he moans deeply. "I could kiss you all day," he murmurs against my mouth. 

"Sounds like a perfect day." 

"Wanna kiss you everywhere." He shifts to meet my jaw, nipping slowly and softly. "All this soft, warm skin...this perfect body." He nips my collarbone, and I gasp with no pain in my ribs or chest. "First moment I saw you, I wanted to worship you. And now I get to do that for the rest of my life." 

A whimper escapes me, my spine arching as his hot breath ghosts over my nipple. I expected him to torture me, to go slow enough that I end up begging and pleading. But Garrus is on a mission and aiming for exactly what I want him to give me. When I mention it, Garrus chuckles against my hip before nipping sharply enough that I jump a little. 

"I need you to rest," he murmurs, slowly spreading my legs and lower himself between them. "But I need to make you cum, too. So I'll have to wait until next time to make you beg." His tongue slips slowly through my folds, a long and slow kiss with his tongue delving deep. It drags a guttural groan from me, his tongue absolutely perfect. "Two days and I've been starved for you," he breathes, punctuating it with a long lick. 

I'm lost to him in seconds, Garrus an absolute master of my body. His moans, deep growls, and the way his hands skim everywhere he can reach signals that he's every bit as into this as I am, and that's exceptionally hot. All of his focus is on my pleasure; every signal I send, Garrus obeys. I implode for him, crying out his name and gripping his fringe. He guides me back down slowly, carefully, and then shifts to lay beside me on the bed with a deep, satisfied sigh. 

Panting, I look up at him and try to force a frown. It's hard with all the pleasure flooding my veins. "You're not gonna let me touch you, are you?" 

"Nope," he chuckles softly. "You need to rest." 

I force a playful groan and roll toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. Garrus doesn't push me away, pulling me against him so that his erection is throbbing against my stomach. "But you're hard." 

"Of course I am, but I'll be just fine." He leans down and nuzzles my face. "No more. I need you to get some rest, baby. Please." 

I want to argue, I want to at least try. I woke up horny and I've missed him, even if I was unconscious. But now I'm completely exhausted. My body is heavy; even trying to pull him closer is too much. I feel fantastic but totally spent, so I don't put up a fight. 

"That's my girl," he breathes, rolling to his back and pulling me against his side. "Get some sleep, my love. I'm all yours if you promise to rest for the rest of the day." 

I smile and snuggle into his chest. "That's the best incentive I've ever had to stay in bed. I love you, big guy." 

"I love you too, kid." 

*****

Shepard sleeps in fits and spurts. She can barely close her eyes without seeing what happened on Aratoht all over again, her heart barely holding together as it is. All I can do is hold her, trying to get her to sleep when she can through the rest of the day. It helps when Solana comes up for a while, getting Shepard back at ease and laughing again. After Solana leaves, when I need Shepard to sleep through the night, I resort to exhausting her physically and that does the trick. It makes both of us damn happy, too. 

She's better in the morning, a little steadier. I know it's going to take a while for her to stop blaming herself, especially after the talk with Hackett and knowing there's a punishment waiting for what she did, but I know we'll get her through it, too. She walked me back from the very brink, and I'll be damned if I can't do the same for her. Unfortunately, I'm also forced to tell her about my call with the Illusive Man and Miranda, driving us toward our next mission. 

"Wait, wait, wait," Shepard interjects with a grin when I tell her who was on the call. "How thrilled was the Illusive Man to have to talk to you instead of me or just Miranda? How did Miranda even get through it without her head exploding?!" 

I laugh and shake my head. "Miranda invited me, you troublemaker," I tease. "She didn't think you would be thrilled about this particular idea from the Illusive Man and wanted me there as a...witness, sort of. Someone you trust in the room, at least." 

"Smart. So, what's the mission?"

"You're not gonna believe this, but it's a derelict Reaper." Her eyes harden instantly, exactly the way I knew they would and the way I'm sure mine did when the Illusive Man told me. The whole thing sounds way too familiar. "I know. Honestly, the only reason I didn't walk out of the room right then is because I don't think he's stupid enough - or thinks you're stupid enough - to try the same trick again so soon." 

Shepard takes a breath, letting that sink in. "Okay. I'll bite since you did. How did he find a derelict Reaper?"

"Well, you know that he's been looking for a way to get us IFF technology," I remind her, and she nods. "So, an Alliance science team figured out that something called the Great Rift on the planet Klendagon is actually an impact crater from a mass accelerator weapon - and I verified that. It would have needed to be a very old mass accelerator though, so the Illusive Man went on the hunt. It led to what he says is a thirty-seven million-year-old Reaper, dead. They found it damaged and trapped in the gravity of a brown dwarf." 

She frowns a little. "Aren't brown dwarfs basically stars that didn't make it?" 

"Basically, yeah. They're uninhabitable, dangerous to even be in the atmosphere, but the Reaper has a Mass Effect field that keeps it in orbit. It's stable from what he said and the data he sent, but calling it safe would be a big stretch." 

"Okay, but...a downed Reaper? We saw what Sovereign did to the Citadel fleet." 

I shrug and shake my head. "Best guess is that this was one moment of defiance before the Reapers took out whatever species made the shot." She nods, and I can see the tension that I feel mirrored in her. 

What will be our last moment of defiance? Will we even get that far?

Shepard takes a breath, so I continue, "The Illusive Man and Cerberus sent a team in looking for the IFF. He thinks that they found something but they lost contact and he doesn't want to commit more resources that couldn't handle whatever happened to the first." 

"Cleaning up another Cerberus mess," Shepard groans. "When the Collectors are done and we get back through the Omega 4 Relay, we're done with them. Even if it costs me the Normandy. You know that, right?" 

"I know, and you know I'll follow you wherever that leads." She smiles, a genuine one now, and leans in to kiss me. I accept it gratefully. "So, Joker has the coordinates, my father and sister have a shuttle pick-up scheduled, and EDI is checking out the data that the Cerberus team did manage to send back." 

"Okay. So we should get the team together and talk about this," she notes. "I'm not taking anyone else on a mission like this without a heads up about the last time first." 

I nod and don't fight my proud smile. She never disappoints me. But her expression is tight, and I know something bad is running through that mind. Considering what she's faced and what's still ahead, it could be any number of things. 

I reach out and tug her ear lightly. "What's going on in there, kid? You okay?"

"I...not really," she admits, shoulders falling. I shift a little closer, and Shepard reaches out to glide her fingers along my collar. She doesn't look comforted enough, so I take her legs and pull, turning her and then moving her thighs around my waist. She laughs, sliding across the mattress, and then leans heavily into me like she's grateful.

"You don't have to talk it out if you don't want to," I tell her honestly. "Especially if you're not ready yet." 

"No, it's not that. I have to because...I need to ask you for a favor." 

I shift back so I can take her chin in my hand, and I pull her face up until she's looking me in the eye. "Anything, Shepard. I'll do anything for you." 

A sigh escapes her, and she pulls my hand down to hold it between hers. "That Reaper artifact...the Reaper. It really got in my head, Garrus." I can hear the fear in her voice and slip my other hand around her back, trying to ground her. "I could hear it telling me to give in, and...God, I wanted to. I so badly wanted to, it felt...right." 

I can imagine how disturbing that has to be, fighting a war against something and then wanting to submit to it - even for a moment. And she managed to fight through it, to resist it. 

"You remember what the hold indoctrination had on Benezia and Saren was like, not just Kenson," she says, almost like she's urging me. "Every one of them almost worshipped the Reapers, they were excited for the Reapers to come and destroy or enslave us. Kenson was watching the Collectors take human colonies, and she was heartbroken when I stopped the invasion." 

"Indoctrination is the Reaper's most powerful weapon for sure," I agree. "And it sounds like most victims never realize it's happening." 

"Exactly. The people closest to Benezia knew that something was going on, Saren was smart enough to isolate himself," she continues. 

I fight the wince off my face, choosing not to remember that I didn't worry when Saren didn't call for months before Nihlus died. It's much harder to fight the wince that thinking about Nihlus brings, but Shepard isn't done. She very obviously has something important to say, something she wants me to understand, and she's making me a little nervous. 

"Garrus...you would know if I were indoctrinated." She nods, confirming it to both of us, I think. "You know me better than anyone, better than I know myself. You would know." 

"I imagine I would," I agree. "Is that what's going on? You're afraid you'll be indoctrinated?"

She huffs out a laugh. "Garrus, I am terrified that I'll be indoctrinated. I think that's what they want, more than to kill me. They want to use me, to make me use this ship and this team and you for their mission. They want me to help them kill all of us." 

"Okay, breathe," I interject, taking her face between my hands. Her pulse is racing, and I can see that visceral fear in her eyes. "Baby, we're not going to let that happen." 

"Garrus...you couldn't stop it." She swallows hard and meets my eyes. "But you could stop me." 

My heart plunges into my stomach and my hands - suddenly lead - fall away from her face. "What are you saying?" I mean for it to come out as a demand, even a challenge to match the heat I feel building inside me. But the other thing building inside me, the horror and pain, comes out in my voice instead. 

"I'm saying that if I get indoctrinated - " 

"You won't." 

"IF, Garrus, stop," she pleads, catching my hands when I start backing away from her. I resist, so she climbs right into my lap. "Garrus," she whispers. "Don't let me become that. Don't let them take my mind. If they indoctrinate me..." She pierces me with emerald green eyes. "I need you to kill me." 

A sound escapes me that I can barely recognize as me, and I feel my stomach roll at the very thought. "How could you...Shepard. I couldn't do it." 

"Yes, you could," she argues, her hard tone not matching the pain in her eyes or the tears escaping down her cheeks. "You could, and you're the only person I could trust enough to do it." 

"Don't do that," I snap at her, yanking her hands away from my face and holding her wrists. "Do not use my feelings against me when you just asked me to murder you. Shepard, I love you too much, I couldn't - " 

"No, Garrus, you love me enough," she counters. Silence echoes through my brain in the pause after the sentence, the words sinking deep. "You love me enough that you'd never let them do that to me. You know how it would destroy me to be responsible for whatever they made me do, and you love me enough that you wouldn't let it happen." 

My head drops heavily, her shoulder there to catch it. I release her arms, and Shepard immediately wraps them around me. "I hate that you just did this to me," I confess. 

"I do too," she replies, her voice and heartbeat telling me that she means it. "But you're the only person I would trust with this, ever. I'm sorry." 

I shake my head and pull myself together as much as I can before looking up at her again. "I won't let them take you from me. Not in any way. Okay?"

"Thank you." She tilts her head, offering her mouth without taking, giving me a chance to need space. It's the last thing I need and never what I want. 

I capture her mouth roughly, kissing her lips with bruising force that makes her moan and shudder. I yank her head back by the hair, and trail my tongue down her throat in a hot line, savoring her sweet but salty taste. Inhaling deeply, I sink my teeth into her neck hard enough to break the skin, and her pained groan sends sparks right to my groin. "You're mine," I growl against her skin, my hands restless along her spine. "They can't have you. No one can." 

"I'm yours," she replies, and then repeats it, her hands trailing my fringe softly and then coming to my face. She doesn't pull me away, but I can feel her gentling me, and I let it happen. She can submit to me and still let me lean on her, still bring me back from losing control. She's strong enough for both, and she'll be strong enough to defeat the Reapers. 

And I'll be strong enough to stand at her six, no matter what that means or how much it hurts me. 

"I love you," she whispers when I lift my face, trailing her mouth over my clan markings and then down my mandible. "You're always exactly what I need. Thank you." 

I just shake my head, unable to form words at the moment. I catch her left hand and bring it to my mouth, kissing her ring and then her palm, and then the pressure point on her wrist. Her scent is stronger in these places where her heart beats, and I let the citrus and cinnamon wash over me. It soothes me even as it heats my blood. This time, I offer my mouth, and she accepts it eagerly. 

I press her back on top of the blankets and pull her arms over her head, stretching my body out on top of hers slowly. Shepard writhes almost instantly, arching her hips up against mine and moaning when she finds what she was looking for. I roll my hips against her and explore more mouth languidly, using my perfect knowledge of her body to get her panting and moaning. She's desperate to give, to feel me - I can feel the need pouring off of her, and while Shepard believes her body has been trained to obey mine, it's the same for me. I'm powerless to reject her, and in this, I don't want to. 

I rock my hips strategically, and Shepard throws her head back to cry out. I take advantage of the angle and drop my head to capture a nipple in my mouth through her tank top, giving a sharp enough bit to get her biotics sparking. They surge through me, a hot spark running from the base of my neck and through the top of my cock. My very hard cock. 

"Remember our first time on this ship?" I ask, grinding against her between shallow rocks. "I couldn't stand not touching you for another second. I've wanted you desperately from the first moment we met." I pin her hips completely, getting the leverage I need to drive harder, to drive her harder. "I fucking love making you cum, Elle. Give me what I want." I bite her nipple again, then shift to bring my mouth to her ear. "Cum for me, baby. Cum now." 

Shepard's entire body goes rigid and bows, her body contorting under mine while she cries my name in her release. I roll my hips against her, taking the friction I need, and feel a hot tension quickly building to a boiling point in my spine. She says my name again, baring her throat, and the knowledge that my mark will be there soon is enough to send me tumbling into a glorious oblivion. Pleasure explodes through all my senses, and it's not until the orgasm chooses to release me that I can begin to feel her hands ghosting over my back and fringe. 

"Oh, you're good," she murmurs, now little more than a puddle under me on the mattress. I huff out a laugh and kiss her quickly before rolling to my back, the sticky mess in my pants instantly uncomfortable. And entirely worth it. "I am so glad I had a one-night stand with you." 

That one makes me laugh even harder. "Yeah, thank the Spirits I'm easy." 

She swats my leg for that but laughs with me, and then rolls onto her side, propping her head up on her hand to look down at me. She's flushed and sweaty. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. 

"You're a mess," she teases, looking at what I'm sure is a wet spot over my cock. "Can I clean you off in the shower?"

I grin at her, loving this powerless way she makes me. "Anything, Shepard."


	44. Legion

Saying goodbye to Solana has never been easy. I had to say goodbye for the first time when I was fifteen and heading for military school; Turian students live at the school full-time and can come home on holidays, but my father demanded that I take up additional training on the holidays instead of coming home. I was leaving the day before my fifteenth birthday with the understanding I'd be gone just about constantly until I was eighteen, and the only rescue was Saren recruiting me into sniper training early. 

But I don't remember being scared or anxious or even excited that day. I don't remember most of my first couple weeks at military school. The entire experience is overshadowed in my mind because Solana cried her eyes out when they dropped me off at the shuttle. She begged me not to abandon her at home, pleaded with me not to forget her. She's four years younger than me, but we were connected at the hip at home, and I let her hang out with me and my friends more often than my friends would have liked. I loved her as my little shadow, and I'll never forget hurting her when I left that day. 

After military school, I moved back home between missions with various squads and units while I promoted a few times. When I was twenty, I finally got the hell away from Palaven and my father, even if it was for C-Sec and not the Spectres like I would have wanted. But even though I hadn't been around much during those two years, Solana cried when I moved away to the Citadel. It was almost enough to convince me to stay. I absolutely hate having to say goodbye to my baby sister. 

So, the moment I wake up on the day Solana is leaving the Normandy, I'm dreading having to say goodbye. Shepard can tell and she's really sweet, which I appreciate and maybe even shamelessly milk a little. It's nice to have her baby me sometimes. And it's especially nice that she's willing to be affectionate and sweet even with my father around. 

I can't avoid the moment forever, and we have to get to the derelict Reaper while my dad and sister need to get back to the Citadel for my mom's treatments. I grab Solana before she can head for the airlock and duck into the empty crew bunk room, pulling her into a hug. "I hate when you leave, baby Sol." 

"I know," she moans softly, burying her face in my shirt. "I mean, this is better than usual."

I pull back to frown down at her. "I haven't seen you for years, we got a few days together during which my bondmate was almost indoctrinated and nearly killed, and now you're leaving so I can go on a damn dangerous mission. This is better than usual?" 

"Well, when you put it like that," she laughs. "I'm gonna miss you, and I hate leaving you - especially so soon, don't get me wrong. I hate that you're going through the Omega 4 Relay and to this dead Reaper thing. I mean...shit, Garrus, this is big. Why do you always gotta be a hero?" 

She punches me in the chest and, as is my responsibility as her brother, I pretend it hurt a lot more than it did. There are tears building her eyes now though, and I almost wished I hadn't pushed her. 

"You're not alone now, though," she reminds me. "You always had Nih, but you two weren't...it's not the same. You really have someone now, like Mom and Dad have each other, or Pia and Dex. Shepard is amazing, Garrus, and she loves you the way I always wanted someone to love you. You deserve that." She shrugs and wipes her eyes even though no tears have spilled yet. "So, yeah, this sucks. But it's better than before because of Shepard. And I know Shepard is going to drag you back through that damn relay and make sure you don't disappear again." 

"Hey, I made you a promise," I remind her, catching her hand. "Never again. I'm gonna be around. Or at least call." 

"I'm willing to take what I can get." 

We both laugh again, and she comes back for another hug. She's right, this is a little easier. For me, it's because I know I'll be back with her and the rest of my family soon - Shepard included. I've been dreading going home even if I had been allowed because of my mom's illness. I can't stand being helpless. But now we have hope, and it's Shepard to thank for that, too. 

I walk Solana to the airlock where somehow Shepard has my father smiling. Watching the two people I love most in a genuine embrace, fast friends and maybe even sisters, makes it hard to breathe for a second. It takes a second glance at my father to realize he's staring at me, and I brace for something bad immediately. I assume it'll be a comment about letting them go while I stay on a Cerberus ship. When he turns to me and holds out an arm, it's hard to breathe all over again - shock, this time. 

"You have important work to do," he says sternly. It somehow sounds like an order. "I look forward to hearing about the mission when you come back. And to helping you both prepare Palaven however I can for the Reapers." 

"We appreciate it," I assure him, accepting his forearm for a firm shake. He might even hold on a little longer than standard, but I might also be making that up. "And thank you for giving Shepard a chance, too. It's...more than I expected." 

He looks at Shepard, laughing with Solana about something we aren't privy to, and nods. "She's special, even I have to admit that. I think your mother will love her." 

"I think so, too. It means a lot to Shepard, you know. She...well, you know she doesn't have her own family." Everyone knows enough about Commander Shepard to know that she lived on Mindoir, but it still makes me uncomfortable to share anything of her part, her story on her behalf. Especially to someone like my father who still isn't exactly on Shepard's side. Not personally anyway. 

"She's certainly fought to earn her place in the universe." 

I scoff at that. "Yeah, well, I'm done having her fight for a place anywhere. Reapers are one thing, but...she has me now. I think other people would do well to remember that." My father turns slowly, and I can feel his eyes burning into the scarred side of my face for a moment before I turn to return his stare. He damn well heard me, and he'll mind himself with Shepard unless he wants a fight. "You have a safe trip back, Dad. Tell Mom I can't wait to see her." 

For a second, I think he might smile. But then he just nods and turns away, calling for Solana. She gives me one more hug, and then dutifully follows our dad off the Normandy and onto their ride for the Citadel. I don't know when I'll see them again, but I know it'll be as soon as I can. No more hiding. And this time, I'll get to introduce them to my girl. 

"Hey, come here." Shepard doesn't hesitate or resist, coming into my arms and wrapping her arms slowly around my neck while I slip my hands over her thighs. "Do you have any idea how proud I am to have you as mine? I've had friends for decades who still haven't managed to get so much as a nod of respect from my father. You're incredible."

She laughs it off. "Tell your friends to get shot a bunch of times, that seemed to do the trick." 

I roll my eyes, but before I can respond, Shepard shuts me up with those perfect, full lips of hers. I melt for her in an instant and pull her body flush against mine, more than prepared to take her in this airlock. It's one of the few places on the ship I haven't at least felt her up at this point, and now seems like the perfect time to rectify that.

"Gross." 

Or it would be the perfect time, except Joker is three feet away. 

"Ship full of cock blocks, I swear," I mumble into Shepard's shoulder when she pulls away. She laughs and shoves me away playfully, but I'm forced to actually let her go. Our visitors have gone, and we have the next step to taking down the Collectors. It's time to get to work. 

I'm absolutely going to find an excuse to grope her in the airlock later, though. 

*****

The crew gathers eagerly for information about the mission to the derelict Reaper. The IFF is the final piece of the puzzle to get us through the Omega 4 Relay. This entire team plans to win and survive that mission, and stopping the Collectors means saving hundreds of thousands of human lives. None of us is thrilled about the Illusive Many anymore, but we're already ready to get to the Collector base and destroy them. 

We're ready to give another hit to Reapers, another small win in the start of this war - just like Sovereign and the Alpha Relay were wins. 

I have to be honest with the crew that the Illusive Man is sending us this mission, and everyone knows that he screwed us the last time something like this came up. But no one argues that we shouldn't go. We all know he's got our backs pressed against the wall with this, but we have no choice. 

Mordin sums it up best: "Lied to us. Used us. Needed access to Collector data banks. Necessary risk." 

"Let's just hope this IFF works," Garrus notes, arms crossed over his chest. His biceps are almost enough to distract me from the mission, but not enough for me to completely miss that Kelly and Thane are standing very close together. And they're cute about it, too. 

Oh, boy. She's in for a world of hurt, falling for that guy. 

EDI snaps me out of the thoughts when she announces, "Shepard, I have analyzed the navigational data collected to determine the approximate location of the Collector homeworld." 

The AI pulls up a galaxy map in the middle of the comm room table, zooms in through the Omega 4 Relay, and then...centers on the middle of the map. The...core?

"Better run the diagnostics," Zaeed snarks. I don't hide rolling my eyes at him, and Garrus doesn't bother to hide the way she smirks at it. He knows I can't stand the merc, and it's not a secret Zaeed feels the same way about me. 

But right now, we have bigger issues. 

"My calculations are correct," EDI says firmly. "The Collector homeworld is located within the galactic core." 

"Can't be," Jacob counters. "The core is just black holes and exploding stars. There are no habitable planets there." 

"Could be artificial construction," Mordin offers. "Space station protected by powerful mass effect fields and radiation shields." 

Miranda scoffs. "Even the Collectors don't have that kind of technology." 

"Sovereign did," Tali chimes in ominously. 

"Tali's right, and we know the Collectors are just servants of our real enemy," I remind them. "And we've all seen what their masters are capable of. They built the mass relays and the Citadel. Who's to say they can't build a space station surrounded by black holes?"

No one argues it, but no one looks any more comfortable with it than I feel either. Getting through the relay and back safely just got a whole bunch more complicated. I can't help but think about Solana and Castis; they both urged us to get back safely before leaving the Normandy on their shuttle. Well, Castis might have threatened me. But still. I have his son's life in my hands, so I get it. And I have every intention of keeping him alive. 

"The logical conclusion is that a small safe zone exists on the far side of the relay," EDI tells us. "A region where ships can survive. Standard relay transit protocols would not allow safe transport. Drift of several thousand kilometers is common and would be fatal in the galactic core. The Reaper IFF must trigger the relay to use more advanced, encrypted protocols." 

Kasumi whistles. "No wonder nobody's ever returned from a trip through the Omega 4 Relay." 

"Until us," Garrus notes. 

I nod to him, my confidence boosted by his. That doesn't mean this is going to be easy, though. 

"We'll go to the derelict Reaper, get the IFF, and take the Collectors out. But we're not going through until we have that IFF and until we're ready." I look around at my team, my family. "We are not treating this a suicide mission. We are going to plan to get back, to have our futures. I don't want to hear any talk otherwise. We're saving the galaxy and making it back. You got me?"

I'm greeted with salutes and cheers, everyone in the room pumped up and ready to go. And I'm going to need them that way as we move forward. Much harder battles are facing us, and I expect us to win them all. 

"Garrus and Tali, you're coming with me into the Reaper. Everyone else should stay at their battlestations and ready." 

"Dibs on firing the Thanix first if we need it for the Reaper," Matthews announces, a shit eating grin across the table at Garrus. 

The Turian narrows his eyes with no heat. "Go ahead and try it, Matthews. Please." 

For just a second, the crewman looks terrified of the seven-foot wall of muscle and military might. It only lasts for that second - probably both because he's in public and because he knows better than to fear Garrus - but that's enough for everyone to notice. The look on Matthews face says very clearly that he knows he's not going to live that down anytime soon. 

As the crew starts to file out, cackling laughter and poking fun at their friend, I ask Joker how long 'til the Reaper. When he tells me that we have until tomorrow morning, Garrus's entire demeanor changes, and I know exactly what he's thinking. And he's certainly not the only one. But for once, I have the plan.

"Did you know Kelly and Thane are a thing?" I ask him when we're alone, planting my palms on the table. His eyes drift to my cleavage immediately, and I have to fight a smile off my face. 

"You mean that they're fucking? Of course, I knew." He starts coming toward me around the table, and I take measured steps away from him to keep a distance. 

"You didn't tell me?"

He makes a face, dragging his talons lightly on the table as he rounds a corner. I keep backing away. "Do you have a vested interest in who either of them is getting into bed with?"

"It was you both of them wanted, if I recall," I tease. And then in an instant, Garrus makes up all the length between us, snatches me into his arms, and gets a rather undignified squeal out of me.

"Running from me?" he growls into my throat, holding me loosely enough that I can squirm around. "Keep fooling around, and you might need to get tied down." 

"As much fun as that sounds..." I get just enough room to twist around, then use his carapace for leverage to swing my legs around his hips. "I have something else in mind. We got a very special delivery, you know." 

"Did we?" He needs all of a second to think it over before he realizes what I'm talking about, and then something dangerous flashes through his eyes. "Oh, really?" 

I nod, biting my lip and trying to feel him out. He's so damn controlled, though. "I mean...you want to, right?"

"Mmm, I want you," he purrs, leaning in and nipping my nip for me. "You have anything to do right now?" 

"No, but you're not allowed to carry me to the elevator." The look he gives me makes me laugh, but I make him put me down anyway. I do have some limits. Not that I think he'd actually try to carry me in front of the crew anyway. He happily holds my hand, though. 

We get sidetracked a little on the way because of course we do. And because he had a point about cockblocks around here. A different sort of cock tonight. My body rocks with a shudder, and Garrus gives me a look that makes the shudder even worse. He's more determined to escape then and throws the guys some promises about a poker game before pulling me into the elevator with him. 

"I miss being the grumpy Turian who hid in the Main Battery sometimes," he quips, shoving me against the wall and pinning me there with his body. "You would come in, yell at me a little, ride my cock." His teeth drag down my throat, heat tearing through my core. "No one would stop me to talk." 

"God, you make me miss you being grumpy," I admit, my knees already weak. Clearly, tools we're using don't have an impact on who is topping, and Garrus is not letting go of his dominance. 

That only makes me even more excited to make him fall apart tonight. 

Garrus tugs me out of the elevator with him, not letting me go far, and right into our quarters. But the moment we step inside, reality hits. I have no idea what I'm doing. 

Of course, Garrus can read that on me almost instantly, and I feel him smile against my mouth while he walks me to the bed, sits, and pulls me onto his lap. "You have questions. Talk to me." 

"I just..." I laugh a little and shake my head. "Never been in this position before. Well...not this position, the one we'll...you know what I mean." 

"Wow, rambling. You must really be freaked out." 

I swat him lightly for laughing at me, aware that he's teasing and not at all mad about it. Besides, I feel a little silly about it myself. 

"Just relax," he breathes, tipping my head back with a hand in my hair to whisper it against my lips. "Same as every other night, Shepard. You'll drive me wild, I'll get even crazier about you, and we'll make a mess." 

Laughing relaxes me instantly, and I pull him down to deepen his next kiss. He doesn't resist, slipping his tongue through my lips when I moan. He says I drive him wild, but in what feels like seconds, I'm hot and panting for him. I can't help myself from practically clawing him out of his clothes, and Garrus makes no effort to slow or calm me down, just as eager to get me naked. 

Even as well as we know one another's bodies by now, I never stop being eager to explore his, and Garrus always seems just as excited to touch, lick, and nip me everywhere he can. His mouth on my nipples gets my spine arching, and his fingers between my legs make me fall apart completely for him. 

He lays back after, looking damn proud of himself and stroking that magnificent cock of his. I'm panting, sweaty, and my spine is loose while he's all fabulous and collected. I'm definitely not letting that stand. Not tonight. 

I climb off the bed and grab what I need, a harness I've already tried on twice out of curiosity and fear that I wouldn't know how to get into it when the moment came, and a dildo that scared me a little at first glance. We went for a Turian design in the shop since that's what Garrus is into, and it's quite a weapon to have loaded between your legs. 

Garrus lets me balance on his shoulders while I climb in, touching me everywhere he can while pulling the strap on into place. "Well, damn," he growls, leaning back a little to get a full look at me. "You make that look really fucking hot, Shepard." 

"I...don't know what to do," I admit. 

"You can do whatever you want," he replies, giving me a very meaningful look. "I'm all yours, baby. Come here." 

Obeying him is definitely something I can do, and kissing him quickly puts me at ease again. He moans deeply when my hand wraps around his cock, and the sound spurs me on.   
He leans over to the table at the side of the bed and comes back with the lube. That certainly makes this all feel real. 

"Easy, baby," he breathes, coming back to me for another deep kiss. He breaks it to kiss down my neck, his tongue rough and perfectly hot. I want it on every inch of my skin in an instant. "I'll walk you through this. I always do, right?" I manage a nod, holding onto him for stability as much as arousal now. "You remember my safeword and yours?"

“Yes," I answer, the word coming out like a sigh. I'm completely relieved that I can still count on him to lead me, to guide me through this, no matter the specifics. It makes me feel like we really can do anything, like I'm capable of anything with him. 

"Good girl. Then we have everything we need." He kisses me again, tongue playing languidly in my mouth. "Why don't you start with that perfect mouth of yours? We'll see how you feel continuing from there." 

I can't help whimpering into his mouth, but I manage to get out, "Yes, sir," before sinking to my knees in front of him. In part because I'm nervous but also because I want to give him a chance to back out if he wants to, I start slowly. It helps that he really enjoys that, and I don't at all hate exploring every ridge, every inch of his cock. I let my tongue follow the thick veins along his length, I mouth his head lightly, I play with his balls. And when I can tell he's seconds from just fucking my mouth, I finally take him in. 

Garrus releases an incredibly gratifying groan and slumps back on the bed, legs kicking restlessly and talons fisting the blankets. I love the taste of him, I love driving him wild like this. I love the way his spine starts to arch when I tug on his quad and the way he growls my name when I take his balls in my mouth gently while stroking his long cock. I can tell he wants more, that he wants to order me to fuck him now that he knows I have the tools, but he'll let me set the pace. Probably because he knows I don't have the self-control to hold back anyway. 

While he's distracted by my hand and mouth, I lube up the strap on, remembering that he told me to be liberal when we used the vibrator but trying to match the slickness to the natural lubrication on his dick. I get it on my finger as well, and press that into him first. There's a good reason he stretches me out first, after all, and I do not want to end up hurting him. Garrus's cries get sharper when I add my mouth, letting him into the back of my throat while pressing my finger fully inside him.

And then when I stand, pressing the strap on where my finger just was, and slowly thrust my hips forward, he cries out my name in a way that sets my heart racing and heat surging to my clit. "Mmm, Elle," he moans when I hesitate, reaching for my hips and tugging me closer. "You won't break me." 

I recognize the challenge in his eyes, and I'm not about to let that go. 

At first, it's a little weird for me. It's not exactly the part of this I'm used to doing, and it takes me a few moments to get used to the motion, but watching Garrus and listening to the signals he's giving helps. And it doesn't feel wrong. It feels pretty damn great, actually, to watch him enjoy this - enjoy me - so much. It's exactly the same reason I love giving him blowjobs, only I have an even better angle to see his face here. 

I test out going faster, harder, and I realize quickly that I'm not nearly as graceful as he is with this. I'm gaining a whole new appreciation for the way Garrus uses his cock, but I'm pretty clearly getting the job done. And when I have the good sense to grab his cock, I get downright proud of myself for his reaction. "Baby, just like that. Harder." 

I obey him, as always, and love the sound of my hips slapping against his while I continue to jerk him roughly. I'm achingly turned on, my legs nearly shaking with need, but I'm unwilling to give up the way he's growling my name. And then he falls apart for me, snarling through his orgasm in an incredibly sexy way while exploding over his own stomach and chest. My moans join his because holy shit he's sexy, but I don't have a lot of time to dwell on it because in an instant, I'm flipped onto my back on the bed. 

Garrus releases the strap on expertly, and then that fantastic tongue of his is deep inside me. I'm already painfully hot for him, and he knows exactly how to touch me, so it feels like seconds before I'm thrown violently into a fantastic orgasm. And then we cry out together when thrusts into me, his cock stretching me perfectly. He leans over me, pinning my hands above my head while pounding inside me, his cum getting all over both of us. I love knowing that I got him hot like this; his enjoyment only makes this better for me. 

"Do you have any idea how completely you own me?" he growls in my ear. "I'll promise you my heart, body, and soul when we're officially bonded. You have it all, all of me, Elle."

Formulating coherent words is impossible while he's ravaging me. The best I can do is cry out his name and cling to him. He moans deeply, nuzzling his face against mine. His soft affection while he fucks me brutally makes my head spin; he manages to be everything I need all at once and without me ever having needed to ask him. He just knows. 

He owns me entirely, too. 

We peak and shatter together. I lose the entire room, the whole universe, in that moment. Everything centers on Garrus; nothing matters outside of this room and this man. He holds me close and strokes steadily through his orgasm, big body shuddering and quaking. I pull his face to mine and kiss him, Garrus bottoming out inside me and holding there for a long, slow kiss. 

We both linger, in the kiss and in each other. I don't want to let him go, not ever if I can help it. Garrus must be thinking the same because even as he breaks the kiss and pulls out of me, he pulls me to stand with him and then scoops me up into his arms. He doesn't let me out of his arms in the shower, and I don't mind at all, the two of us carefully and tenderly washing one another. I watch him at first, trying to find any sign that he didn't enjoy any part of that, but I quit pretty quickly. He's as blissed out as I am. 

Neither of us says a word while we get ready for bed, our kitten coming back into our quarters right on cue. Garrus lifts the little guy onto the bed before crawling into bed with me. We meet in the middle of the bed, and I can't help a laugh when Monster takes it upon himself to lay directly between our faces. Garrus isn't having it, but the kitten doesn't seem to mind and snuggles against my chest instead. 

"Lucky little monster," Garrus teases. He rewards me with a smile when I laugh again. His hand finds mine, and he tangles our fingers. I tangle my legs up in his, shamelessly getting as close as I can. 

"You're such an excellent space heater," I inform him. "I save a fortune in blankets with you around." 

"So glad I have my uses," he says through a yawn. He's adorable when he yawns, and someday, I'll be brave enough to tell him that. Today is not that day. He squeezes my hand and asks, "You feel okay about everything we did tonight?"

"More than okay," I assure him, unable to keep from smiling. "Getting to watch you be the one to fall apart for once was..." I don't have the words, and I don't fight the shudder that runs down my spine. 

"For once?" He laughs. "Shepard, I fall apart for you almost constantly. How is it possible you don't know that yet?" I just shrug because I don't have words for that either. He wouldn't like it if I told him that I don't think I deserve him. He doesn't push, just smiles and leans in to kiss me softly, careful not to hurt Monster on the way. 

My body is loose and easy, my bed is comfortable and warm, and my fiance is incredible. We have a huge mission looming tomorrow, but somehow he always manages to help me find peace. I couldn't lead as effectively as I need to without that; if Garrus weren't here, I'd be up here pacing and full of anxiety, freaking out about tomorrow even though it wouldn't help anyone. Instead, because of him, I can slip softly into a deep, peaceful sleep and take on the threats facing the universe tomorrow. 

*****

In the morning, Joker flies steadily toward the Hawking ETA while we sit down to breakfast, and the pilot joins us once we're through the relay into the system. An hour until Mnemosyne, and the tension is exactly at the level I'd expect. Not too bad. Tali and Garrus at least are calm. 

As the three of us head out to gear up, Jacob stands and says, "Shepard, I was able to repair the damage to your armor. You wanna come grab it from the armory?" 

"Oh, thank God," I breathe, relief sweeping over me. 

"Are the spare suits that uncomfortable?" Garrus chuckles. 

"They are if you have tits," I answer, not even trying to hide my scowl. I shoot a look at Miranda and note, "The one way Cerberus decided to follow the Alliance, and it's standard-sized chest plates?"

She gives me a deadpan look and asks, "Why do you think I don't wear the armor?"

"I'm confused," Thane admits, cocking his head to the side. It's adorable and almost enough to make me laugh. 

"The Alliance has a lot of outdated policies and standards, and when they first started, the men who led it apparently believed the only women who would enlist had exactly zero curves," I tell him. "And it hasn't gotten better. There's a standard chest plate for people with breasts, so if you have a bigger chest - " 

Hadley makes a noise that gets him shoved right out of his chair, the Turian at fault only grinning down at him when Hadley climbs off the ground. Of course, Hadley is laughing, too. 

"I mean, I was gonna say the same thing," Kasumi announces, ogling me blatantly. 

"Yeah, well. I spent a lot of years taping my tits down until I could get custom armor. And now I do my best not to get it ruined." 

Garrus looks me over, his gaze full of enough heat to melt me right here, and I feel my cheeks flare with heat even though he's not drawing attention to himself. I'd love to know what he's thinking about right now, but Jacob and Tali join us on the elevator to the armory. 

"I'm surprised the Alliance is still so archaic about things like this, Shepard," Tali says. 

"You'd wouldn’t if you knew the whole truth of it," I counter. "Sexism is popular with humans; that hasn't changed no matter how many worlds we've seen and settled." 

"Makes you wish you were a member of a species without breasts, huh?" Jacob quips with a smirk. 

"I have objections to that," Garrus chimes in, still giving me that same heated look. I wish I could shove him out of a chair, but I can't help laughing with Tali and Jacob either. He's lucky he's so damn cute. And lucky that I'm practically sweating with a need to know why he's looking at me like that. 

We get to the armory and quickly get changed and gear up. It drives me nuts that, on this ship, we have to get ready in a completely different area of the ship than we start missions from. An armory should be in the Cargo Bay at least. I mention that to Jacob, and he gives me a look that assures me he has shared the same concern multiple times. 

I assume things are going smoothly so far, until we start getting tossed around in the elevator on the way down to the Cargo Bay. "Joker jerking off in the cockpit again?" Garrus asks EDI, his tone betraying his actual concern. 

"You should get up to the cockpit, Commander," Joker answers instead, his voice serious too. 

We leave Jacob and Tali in the Cargo Bay, and Garrus stays with me for the ride back up. A complaint about the speed of the elevator is on the tip of my tongue, but it's lost when Garrus turns and pins me against the wall, standing so close I have to tilt my head back to look up at him. 

"I could not stop thinking about fucking your tits while you were complaining about the armor," he confesses in a rush, hands planted beside me on the wall. "You have valid concerns, and I hate the Alliance's sexism, but Spirits, Shepard, if I could go one day without an erection in my armor or that I have to hide in front of the crew, that would be lovely." 

"Oh, what's the fun in that?" I tease, delighted that he wants me to the point of discomfort. Even if it means thinking about me naked during important discussions. We have a lifetime of important discussions ahead of us anyway. 

He growls and ducks down to kiss me. "The fun will come later when I get to make you cum just by playing with them. And then you can make me cum with them, too." 

"Well," I breathe, trying to pull myself together instead of melting right here. "That's an excellent incentive to make it back alive." 

"That's my goal." He kisses me again, and I lean heavily into it, but we're jolted apart by another hard round of turbulence. This one is worse, and it doesn't seem to be quitting anytime soon. 

The crew in the CIC is doing their best to stay on their feet and keep things off the floor while we run through, the ship rocking and bouncing under our feet. I hit the rail on the bridge harder than I'd like while we try to cross it. This is far from normal on the Normandy, especially with Joker at the helm. 

"What's with all the chop, Joker?" I ask as we reach the cockpit.

"I'm doing my best. Winds are gusting to five hundred kph." Garrus swears, then catches my elbows before another bump can toss me off my feet. His weight goes a long way to keeping him steadier, and I grab the back of Joker's chair to help myself. "There's a second ship alongside the Reaper," Joker tells us. "It's not transmitting any signals, but the radar thinks its silhouette is Geth." 

"Explains why the Cerberus science team stopped reporting in," Garrus notes, a little growl in his voice. 

All at one, the turbulence stops. It's so sudden a loss of movement that it nearly throws me off my feet just as much as the chop did. "What just happened?" I ask. 

"The Reaper's mass effect fields are still active," the pilot explains. "We just passed inside their envelope. Eye of the hurricane, huh?"

"You said it. Keep a distance, Joker, and we'll take a shuttle down. I don't want the Normandy any closer to that thing than she needs to be." 

Garrus scoffs playfully. "But it's okay if we're close to that thing. Your logic is infallible, Commander." 

"And my fiance is intolerable," I quip back. It earns me a slap to my ass that doesn't hurt through the armor but is certainly a promise of things to come. More incentive. 

No matter how we were all feeling before, the moods shifts and grows heavy on the shuttle to the Cerberus science station attached to the Reaper. Approaching it feels ominous. We know what these things are, what they can do, what they want from us. And now we're walking into the belly of the beast. 

It doesn't help that the first thing we see when we step off the shuttle is a very dead scientist laying in a pool of blood. Everything is as still and silent as that dead man, and it immediately lays an eerie atmosphere on top of us. 

"Exploring an abandoned area, expecting something mechanical and nasty to jump out at any moment," Garrus muses. He flashes a grin at me and Tali. "Just like old times." 

I roll my eyes at him but it does the trick of soothing us enough that we can get moving. He's got a knack for doing that, even when I know he's tense and uncomfortable too. I'll have to thank him for it later. 

We head down the first hallway and stop when we find a small research station. Garrus moves right for a wall safe, while Tali and I set to checking consoles for data. There's part of me that wants to argue we shouldn't be stealing, especially from the safe, but then I remember this is Cerberus and I don't give a shit. Plus, whatever Garrus is going to spend the credits on will either benefit the mission or me. 

And I really want every opportunity I have to fuck the Illusive Man over. 

Tali calls me over to a work log she's found and plays it for me. A Cerberus officer pops up on the video. "The airlock has been installed at the far end of the hold section. We have begun pressurization for shirt sleeves work. The crew is edgy. I reassured them it is mere nerves, a superstitious reaction to what this hull represents: the corpse of a vaste and ancient life form. Privately, I can't deny the atmosphere." He leans closer to the camera. "The angles of the walls seem to press down on you. I find myself clenching my teeth." 

"Well, that's reassuring," Garrus mutters. 

"I did not need the reminder of what we're standing in." I look around, aware of something itching at the back of my brain. And now I don't know if that's real or if I'm psyching myself out in here. 

"You know, I think I'll go back to the ship," Tali announces, throwing her hands up. "Or maybe all the way back to the Flotilla. Omega, even. Literally anywhere has to be safer than the things you manage to find, Shepard." 

Garrus barks out a laugh as the wall safe pops open, and I glare at Tali. "You know, you scared me. I thought you were actually telling me you're leaving." 

"Oh, Keelah. You're stuck with me, Shepard." All is forgiven when she squeezes me in a tight hug, and I can't help a laugh. My friends are the best jerks in the universe. 

We continue through the station and to the next research station. There's another work log here, and a different Cerberus Officer pops up now. "We finished cataloguing species A203 to B016. No evidence of active nanotechnology noted. Dr. Chendena believes they would have decayed over the last thirty-seven million years, but there's not enough data to support his claim. He asserts that the truth is patently obvious. I am...concerned. Chendena's been staring at the samples for hours. He says he's listening to them." 

Okay, now I'm almost sure that itching in my brain is real. And it's bad, completely unnerving. We're walking into a Reaper, and these things...I've already had one in my brain. 

"I need you to not have that look on your face going into this," Garrus says, startling me out of my thoughts. 

"What look?"

"Like you're expecting to be indoctrinated," he snaps, startling me all over again. "I need that to end now if we're going to continue this mission, especially after what you made me promise."

"I..." I have no retort, no argument. I'm not expecting to be indoctrinated, and I most definitely don't want to be. But he's not entirely wrong. I'm thinking about it like an inevitability - I'm expecting to feel that horrible sensation again. "Okay. You're right. They're not getting in again. Okay?"

He just gives me a tight nod and turns away, definitely not convinced or pleased with me. I knew how it would go over when I asked Garrus to stop me if I should ever get indoctrinated, but I also knew I didn't have a choice. It's not the sort of thing I can put in my final wishes, and I definitely couldn't trust anyone else to know early enough. I expected it might cause a little lasting tension with us, and I don't hold that against him. But I'm also not just letting it go.

"Hey." I catch his arm and turn him back to me. He doesn't resist, but he also doesn't look at me. "I know you hate it. But you have no idea how much it means to me that you promised anyway. I love you so much." I tug him down by the carapace and kiss his cheek. "Thank you." 

"I'm not saying your welcome," he growls. He finally looks at me, and I assume that's a good thing. "I love you, too." 

Good enough for now. 

"Do I want to know what you made him promise to do?" Tali asks, her tone saying that she has her suspicions and doesn't like them. I just squeeze her hand in answer. I don't need to hurt both my best friends with this. 

Tali doesn't push because she's the best, and we follow Garrus to the airlock that should let us onto the Reaper. I watch him take a breath and glance at me once more before unlocking the door. 

The moment the doors are unlocked, the entire airlock - maybe even the whole Reaper - rocks heavily. There's a new hum beneath my boots, and I'm not enjoying the flashback of the Collector ship hitting me right now. 

"What just happened?"

"Normandy to shore party!" Joker calls over the comms. "The Reaper put up kinetic barriers. I don't think we can get through from our side." 

"As curious as I am about the Reapers, I'd rather not be trapped inside one," Tali quips, though I'm certain it's not quite a joke. 

"We'll have to take down the barrier generators from in here," Garrus says. "EDI, any idea where they are?"

"At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in what is likely the wreck's mass effect core." At least EDI seems calm. "Sending the coordinates now. Be advised. This core is also maintaining the Reaper's altitude." 

Garrus frowns, mandibles tight to his face. "So when we take the barriers down to escape, the ship will fall into the planet's core." 

"And that means everyone dies," Joker chimes in, deadpan. And for him, deadpan means that he's freaking out. 

"If any helmsman can pull us off this thing before it reaches crush depth, it's you, Joker," I assure him. And I mean every word. The one thing I'm not worried about with this mission is Joker's piloting skills. "We'll do a sweep for survivors and recover what data we can." 

"Aye aye, Commander," he replies, much more confident now. "Good hunting." 

I nod to Garrus and Tali, both of them ready to continue with me. We're not getting scared of this thing before we get what we came for. The IFF is too important. 

We move through the doors and into the Reaper itself. There's a platform Cerberus built that we continue using, and every so often, we cross a dead Cerberus officer and scientist. Their bodies look destroyed. It's disturbing, but not exactly new where Reapers are involved. Or Geth. Or Cerberus, for that matter. 

We find another log, and two new scientists pop up. The camera is in the corner of the room the scientists are standing in, and I'm not sure whether or not they're aware of it. They're only paying attention to each other. 

"You're married?" the first one asks. "You never mentioned that."

"Katie had anger management issues," the other answers, his voice fond. "When my brother got married, the best man tried to hit on her. She kicked him down the church steps." 

"What?" the first scientist breathes, turning slowly to face his friend. "Katie's my wife. I...I must have told you that story." 

"No," the other almost laughs - almost because he sounds too disturbed for it to be a laugh. "I know my wife. I remember, that day was the only time I saw her wear stockings." 

"Yeah. The kind with the seams up the back. That's what I remember, too." 

They stare at each other before the second, Katie's other husband, demands, "What the hell is this? How can we remember the same thing?" 

The video ends, and the three of us are left standing there like smacked asses. That was almost as disturbing as the husks. 

"We know from experience Reapers can screw with minds," Tali notes. Garrus's hand comes down heavy on my shoulder. I don't know that's more for him or me, and I don't really care because it helps. "I'll never forget the way those beacons attacked you, Shepard. The things these things can do..." 

Tali looks around at the thing we're all standing inside and visibly shudders. 

I shake it off, closing the log. "Let's get this over with and get the hell out of here." 

Neither of them argues or even seems to want to, and we push down the platform, further into the Reaper. We don't get far before an ominous growl that is becoming all too familiar echoes around us. Seconds later, the husks follow their sound and nearly flood the platform. These things have never stopped freaking me out, no matter how many times we've seen them. 

Fortunately, we have seen them enough times that taking them out isn't too much of a challenge anymore. Tali gives us an additional advantage today, making most of the containers and equipment that Cerberus left behind explode. Garrus wipes most of them out before they get close, and when the numbers overwhelm his skills, I pick up where he leaves off and finish them off. 

"I'd wondered if the technology to make husks came from the geth or Sovereign," Garrus muses once we're clear of the enemy for a moment. 

"Geth origin never made sense to me," Tali notes. "This confirms they're from the Reapers." 

We clear the platform and move to the next, only to face very much the same thing. There are more, so Garrus switches to his assault rifle, which is much more effective for close-range enemies like husks. I know he doesn't like it as much, but he's still an exceptional shot with the thing. That doesn't mean I don't tease him about getting ahead on kills for once. 

When they're all gone, we play another work log. It's the same two guys as the last one, and I grimace. These guys have brought no good news for us. 

"Third day with this headache," the first man groans. "You'd think Chandena would let me take a few hours off." Suddenly, though nothing on camera changes, his entire body startles and he cries, "God damn!" 

The other one spins in the direction the first is looking. He doesn't startle at all, so I don't know what we're missing off screen. "What?!" 

"That thing, that...a gray thing!" he cries, pointing off screen. "It...it disappeared when I looked straight at it. It came outta the damn wall! Where we took off that panel." 

He grabs his head, clearly panicking, and the other holds his hands up to placate. "I don't see anything. You should lie down." 

"I'm telling you...this ship isn't dead. It know we're inside it." 

My stomach turns, and I feel a crawling through my skin accompanying the return of that itch at the back of my head. But it's not really there. And even if it really is, it can't have me. I'm not going to let these sons of bitches take me. 

"If it's not dead, it will be," I remind Tali and Garrus, proud of my voice for sounding firm. I feel even more proud when I can tell Garrus is. 

"That's my girl," he breathes with a nod, slipping a fresh heat sink into his rifle. 

We press forward. Straight is a dead end, so I start down that way, but all at once, Garrus has my back slammed into the railing. There's a second where I think it was an overreaction to the two husks that just emerged, but then the husks go down, one after the other in quick succession. 

They get shot down. And none of us shot them. 

"Sniper!" Tali calls, realizing just as I have - and both of us several seconds behind Garrus somehow. 

"A good one," Garrus growls, releasing me to scan the hallway carefully. "We have to go this way." 

I can tell he's not pleased about it. "Whoever it was, they shot the husks. That has to be a good sign. And if it's not, we'll deal with them, too." I take his shoulder this time and wait until he looks at me. "We'll keep cover until we determine whether the shooter is hostile, though. Okay?"

"Okay," he agrees with a nod. "Thank you for being cautious." 

"I have lots to live for, big guy." I get a grin from him when I wink, and he quickly bumps my forehead with his. 

We get on with it after that, heading down the hallway. It appears completely empty, even as we move down a ramp. And then husks start crawling up on the platform from every direction. Many more than we've ever seen in one place, and it's one hell of a fight. Especially when the Scion's show up. 

It's not an easy battle. We're on unfamiliar territory with an enemy that most without any strategy or instinct that we can understand or anticipate, and around every corner, we're expecting much worse. Cover doesn't help with husks; all we can do is keep them from surrounding or cornering ourselves and one another. It gets close a couple times, but we keep each other safe. 

I'm sweating by the time we clear out another platform, and I'm grateful for the break when we find another terminal. It's the guy who was telling us about his concerns for Chandena before, and he looks a lot more haunted here. 

"Chandena said the ship was dead. We trusted him. He was right, but even a dead god can dream. A god, a real god, is a verb. Not some old man with magic powers, it's a force. It warps reality just by being there. It doesn't have to want to, it doesn't have to think about it, it just does." He shakes his head. "What Chandena didn't get, not until it was too late, is the god's mind is gone but it still dreams. He knows now. He's tuned in on our dreams. If I close my eyes, I can feel him. I can feel every one of us." 

Garrus makes a face at the log. "Can we stop listening to these things? They get creepier every damn time." 

"Everything about this place is creepy. Including this," I say, motioning to the end of the platform and leading them there. It's those horrible spikes the Geth - and apparently, the Reapers - use to transform humans into husks. 

"We've seen these too many times," Tali breathes. "Your people call them Dragon's Teeth, right, Shepard?"

I nod. "First time we saw these was on Eden Prime. They don't get easier." 

Garrus looks around the room, and he motions toward the pipes extending toward the Dragon's Teeth and the center of the room. "See the way the room's laid out? They treated this thing like some kind of altar." 

"That doesn't seem right," Tali protests. "No one in their right mind would want this." 

"You heard the logs. They were seeing things, hearing things." Garrus shakes his head, his shoulders heavy. "They were being indoctrinated." 

"We can't help these people. But we won't let the machines use their corpses like this," I tell them. "This place falls into the planet core, it'll be destroyed and put an end to all this." 

We reach the newly installed airlock which leads to the area of the ship the Cerberus scientists were working in when they disappeared. The VI tells us that it's been five days without a workplace death before the doors open, a morbid reminder of how long the people here were trapped; we've been in here for a couple hours and I'm crawling out of my skin. 

The room the airlock leads to is larger than the platform, so I signal for Tali and Garrus to spread out. If the husks overwhelm a platform this size, we're screwed, so I need them focused on the edges. 

I only get three steps into the room myself, weapon trained and eyes scanning, when something searing hot grazes my hair. It buzzes in my ear, and only after the pain registers do I hear the pop. A rifle. It's immediately followed by a thump behind me, and Garrus is back at my side by the time I turn to find a husk down. 

It got within feet of me, and I had no idea. 

It almost had me, and then someone shot it. I turn to follow the trajectory as Garrus does the same. Tali joins us as I find myself staring at a Geth on an upper platform. It's not firing at us, not even aiming. Just watching. And it's wearing an N7 armor chest piece. 

"Shepard-Commander." It takes me a second to realize that the heavily-augmented voice came from the Geth. It...speaks?

And it knows my name. 

And then it turns around and walks away, leaving the three of us gobsmacked. 

"Talking Geth," Tali breathes. "That's...new." 

"Guess we found the sniper, though." 

Garrus ignores both of us and turns me to face him. He takes my face between his hands and searches me, his fingers gently grazing my ear. The touch doesn't hurt, so I assume there's no injury. Garrus becomes convinced of the same quickly and nods to himself before releasing me again. "Sorry," he offers. "Had to check." 

"I'm not sorry," I assure him. "Thank you." And I mean it. Having someone who cares is a luxury in our line of work. 

We don't have more time as a luxury though, as those haunting growls return to us, quickly followed by husks. We get back into formation and into business mode, putting the Geth sniper out of our minds for now to push forward. They're seemingly endless, but we make progress consistently, eventually clearing the platform and continuing. 

I lose count of kills early on, and it hits me that this is a first. I always had at least a confident count because the game that we play, the game we kept as tradition is important to me. And today, there are so many enemies, that I can't keep count. But that doesn't mean I'm going to accept defeat. 

"I assume I'm winning," I note, keeping my voice casual because that will get to Garrus more than anything. 

He's six feet away but I hear his grunt loud and clear over the guns. "Why in the galaxy would you assume something so preposterous? You're obviously delusional. And you've clearly lost count, so you forfeit." 

"Are you telling me you have an exact count?" I demand, skeptical. 

He turns his head just enough to let me see the flash of a grin. "No, but we can assume I'm winning." 

"Dick," I laugh. 

"Actually," Tali interjects, "I think Shepard is ahead today." 

"Oh! We have a witness, big guy, you've lost." 

"This isn't over yet," Garrus notes, taking down several husks with one shot. I'm certain he timed the shot for right then to show off. The laughter creates a morale boost that lets us finish out this swarm. 

I head for a cache of heat sinks Cerberus left with Tali beside me, until she stumbles and hits the platform. I'm confused until a bark of familiar laughter from behind me and Tali swearing under her breath tells me everything I need to know. 

"Really, Vakarian?" I drawl, reaching down to offer Tali a hand up while giving Garrus my best mock-disappointed look. "Shooting teammates in the ass with concussive rounds? Again?"

"You'll never prove I've ever done it before," he quips, charming as sin smile spreading across his face. Tali uses his momentary distraction to throw a heat sink at his head, and while she doesn't hit him, it at least made him startle before he caught it. It's enough for the Quarian who also tosses him a rude hand gestures and laughs before heading off. 

"You know, big guy, it might be Tali who's winning today." 

*****

Shepard made good choices in the ground crew selection today. She couldn't really have known what to expect, but the three of us bring a wide enough array of skills useful for husks that we manage. That's about it - managing, we aren't wiping the floor with our enemies today - but it's better than nothing. 

It feels like the husks never stop coming. Where the hell are they all kept inside the Reapers? They can't all be Cerberus crew, so where did the other ones come from? Do I really want the answers to these disturbing as hell questions?

We push on. All of us have had close calls today, shields going down or a Scion blast coming too close or a husk getting in close enough that we need to beat them to death instead of shooting. I know from our vital signs and from experience that we're all tired, all frustrated. But we're moving forward, and as long as we can keep that up, we'll get the IFF and be that much closer to stopping the Collectors. 

And the Collectors down is one more battle won in the war against the Reapers. We can't afford to concede a single battle in this war. 

Finally, we reach the doors that should lead us into the Reaper's mass effect core, according to EDI. It still feels odd to me that these things even have cores. They're quite literally machines; I could upgrade or take apart this thing just as well as the Normandy, just like any good engineer. But it's also alive. It's also sentient. It's also hellbent on our destruction. I think being an engineer, being so comfortable with and confident with machines, makes the Reapers feel worse to me. It's a betrayal by something I've always counted on and been comfortable with. And after the war, I don't know if I'll ever be as comfortable relying on machines again. 

The doors open, revealing a room with a central walkway directly to the mass effect core and large platforms off either side. There's a kinetic barrier at the door, keeping us from getting it. But it didn't stop that Geth from earlier getting in. The Geth who saved Shepard and spoke. That doesn't help my confusion about machines. 

The Geth's back is to us, and it's using a console. I assume, since it keeps looking back to check on its progress, that its taking down the kinetic barrier. But its also getting approached by husks. Shepard is halfway through warning it when the Geth turns around and fires a few times, clearing the husks for a second. It whips back to the console, works for another second, and then the shield comes down. 

"Nice," Shepard mumbles, leading us into the room. But before we can approach or learn anymore from our apparent new ally, the Geth is overrun by husks and taken down. 

The entire room is nearly overrun by husks. 

We have a multi-pronged challenge here. We need to keep the husks away from us, of course, and we need to get the shields down around the mass effect core as well as get the core itself down. Tali and I can get the shields down for short periods, allowing whoever has a second to shoot at it, but we're too occupied by all the husks to keep focus on that. It becomes draining quickly, and Shepard stops using her biotics to preserve her energy. 

Just when it's starting to feel futile and I'm starting to get claustrophobic from so many husks getting close, Shepard nails the core one final time. One more push to take out the husks that remain, and the ship starts rocking to warn us that we've succeeded. 

"Find the IFF," Shepard orders, pointing at the console. I nod to Tali, deferring to the better talent between us, and she runs to get to work. 

She has to step over the downed Geth sniper to do it. 

"Should we grab that, too?" I ask our commander. 

"Got the IFF!" Tali announces. She then turns around and shakes her head at the Geth. "Leave it there. You know what they are. If it gets into the Normandy's computers - " 

She's cut off by a new round of growls. More husks. A lot of them. 

No one needs to ask to know that the other two of us cannot stand another long battle. We have what we need, we have the Reaper going down...we need to get out of here. But we need to make a decision, too. 

"You said it yourself once, Tali. No one's ever captured a Geth intact," I remind her. And maybe I feel grateful to the thing for saving Shepard, but admitting that to Tali wouldn't help either of us. 

"That's true," she admits. "But I'm not sure it's worth the risk." 

Shepard shakes her head. "There's no time to debate it here. C'mon!" 

She reaches down to pick up the Geth, but it's very obviously too heavy. I move to take it and could lift it but not while running, so we each sling one of its arms over our shoulders and start running. Tali provides cover fire while Shepard connects with the Normandy and we haul ass to the rendezvous point. 

"Open the port airlock!" Shepard calls when the ship comes into view. It does, and we get to the end of the Reaper - I refuse to consider which end - and take the Geth between us. We rock it back once before launching it, letting it float onto the Normandy. 

I immediately turn and start firing at the husk hordes rushing us as Shepard commands Tali to jump next. When she's gone and safely aboard, Shepard turns to me. I can see that she wants to give me the same order and, at the same time, she knows I'll refuse it. I remove the decision for her, grab her hand, and pull her to run with me. 

We get airborne at the same time, and the second our feet hit solid Normandy, Joker has the ship taking off. Shepard collapses into the wall that Tali is sitting against, both breathing hard, and I fall back against the now-closed airlock door for a break of my own now that we're all safe. The Geth is on the floor between us. 

"Well, that was closer than I like to play it with Reapers," Joker quips, spinning in his chair to face us. "Have a nice time in there? Since you took long enough and all." 

Shepard flips him off but grins when he laughs, and I don't have enough energy for a real retort right now. I only pull myself off the wall because Shepard does. And because it lets me give Tali a hand up off the floor. 

"Did you get it?" Miranda asks, calling to us from across the bridge where it looks like most of the crew has gathered. 

"We got it." Shepard's confirmation is met with a round of cheers that drags a smile onto all of our exhausted faces. Mission success was crucial this time, and we pulled it off. "We're going to take a few minutes before debrief." She looks between Tali and I. "Shower, eat something, take a breath. Comm room in an hour." 

"What, uh...what do you want us to do with that in meantime?" Ken asks, pointing at the Geth with a grimace. Half of them look curious, the other half appalled. That seems about right.   
Shepard looks down at the Geth, considering. "Put it in the AI core. EDI, keep it suppressed and put up a shield." 

Our AI confirms, and then we leave the crew to it. Tali takes the first elevator ride, so I take the opportunity while waiting for its return to grab protein bars and water for me and Shepard. She thanks me as we step onto the elevator. The ride up is silent, but not tense. We did good, we're both safe and fine with how it went. But it was tiring, and I'm grateful we don't need to talk. 

Inside, we each greet Monster while stripping, and then get into the shower together. I don't even care to pile Shepard's armor more neatly at the moment...though I won't be able to help myself later. The hot water is soothing immediately, and the sensation of scrubbing the husks and Reapers off even moreso. 

I take Shepard's shampoo and wash her hair for her. It relaxes both of us, really. That Geth's bullet and the husk it took down both got a little too close to her for my liking, and my hands on her this way helps ease my anxiety. It makes her feel real. I think that's the same reason Shepard takes over washing me, and I have no objections. 

We collapse on the couch when we're done and redressed, scarfing down the proteins bars and the water, leaning on each other and petting Monster. It's quiet, the kitten's purr, the hum of the ship, and the bubbling of the fish tank the only sounds. It feels peaceful in here. This is the sacred place we've built, our home, and I feel the remaining tension ease out of me. 

I shift and lay on the couch, dropping my head into Shepard's lap for the last few minutes before we have to get back to work. She smiles down at me, then rests her head back against the couch and strokes my fringe gently. My eyes close as well, none of my instincts on edge in the moment. 

"I know you're going to activate that Geth," I tell her. "We'll go down there and debate, but you're gonna do it." 

Her fingers stop for a moment, but she doesn't lift her head. "You're probably right. I think I could be talked out of it, but I've almost decided." Now she looks down at me again. "You think I should just be up front about that?"

"Nah, let them air their concerns. You're good at making them feel heard." 

She nods. "And how do you feel about it?"

"Same as you, I'm sure. Anxious, but like it's necessary." I reach up and tug her earlobe. "Besides, I wouldn't mind a chance to thank that thing." Her smile grows, making my heart skip a little. She never stops stunning me. 

We take those final few minutes in silence as well, not needing to say or share anything else. It's not the sort of peace I've found in partners or friends before, and it's one of the things I value most about Shepard. I didn't even know intimacy existed outside of sex before her, and now I know that I never experienced real intimacy before her. Now, I have this. 

Even as we have to get up, bodies protesting and a war at our doorstep, that brings a smile to my face. 

Miranda and Jacob are waiting in the comm room. Tali comes in shortly after. Miranda has already briefed the Illusive Man, and it sounds like she warned him not to give Shepard an opinion on the Geth. It was wise on Miranda's part; we both know Shepard is likely to do the opposite just to piss him off. 

Miranda and Jacob, of course, have their opinions that they want heard. 

"We need better equipment to fight the Reapers," Miranda tells us. "This Geth could be invaluable to Cerberus' cyberwarfare division." 

Shepard narrows her eyes at that. I can tell she hadn't considered the Geth belonging to Cerberus if she activated it. I can also tell when she comes to the conclusion that they couldn't exactly come in here and take it from her. Cerberus can believe they own and run whatever they want, but we know the truth. 

"We'll have to disagree on that, Miri," Jacob counters, arms crossed. I almost wince at the nickname. I've heard it echo through the walls of the Main Battery from Miranda's office far too many times. "I saw enough of those things on Eden Prime. Space it." 

"Cerberus has a long-standing cash bounty for an intact Geth," Miranda says. "I assure you, the reward is significant." 

I roll my eyes at that. Money is not the way to sway Shepard. 

Shepard sighs and steps toward the table, examining the hologram image of the Geth there. "I've killed hundreds of these things, but I've never had a chance to talk to one. This one tried to communicate with us. Hell, it probably saved our lives. Why?"

No one has an answer. 

Shepard looks up, toward the Quarian who is standing at the edge of the room, just listening. "I'd like your take," she tells Tali earnestly. "You're more experienced with Geth than any of us. And I don't want whatever choice I make to hurt you." 

Tali's quiet for a moment, and I wish I could see what she's looking at. Finally, she sighs, "I wish I could just say to airlock it because it's Geth. And we all know reactivating it has risks. But with the Geth working with the Reapers and knowing we may never have another chance like this..." She lifts her head so I'm certain she's looking at Shepard. "I trust you to make a call for the galaxy's best interest. Whatever that call might be." 

Shepard nods, and I can see that she's as grateful as she is firm in her decision now. 

"I still think our best interest involve an airlock," Jacob mutters. 

"I wanna know why it has a piece of N7 armor on its chest," I add

"Battle trophy, maybe?" Shepard offers with a shrug. She's curious but not concerned, and I feel the same. 

"Would a machine care about that?" Jacob asks.

Tali shakes her head. "No. Trophies imply emotions that AIs don't have. I doubt it's more than a convenient field repair." That makes sense, too. But I need to know. 

"I need to know what we've got here," Shepard says, planting her hands on the table. "I wanna start it up and interrogate it." 

"Commander, if we activate it, there is no guarantee we can deactivate it again." 

I clear my throat for Miranda’s attention and point to the corner of the room where I sat my rifle when we came in. It's with me for exactly that reason. I grin at Miranda, and she narrows her eyes. 

"That's not what I meant." 

"Thanks for your input everyone. I've made my decision. Now let's talk about this Reaper IFF." 

Tali uses her Omni-Tool to pull up an image of a small disk that replaces the Geth in the center of the table. EDI pops up as well and tells us, "I have determined how to integrate it with our systems. However, the device is Reaper technology. Linking it with the Normandy's systems does pose certain risks." 

"I trust you, EDI," Shepard assures the AI. "I know you won't let anything happen to the ship. And I'd rather be cautious than quick." 

Thank the Spirits.

"Understood," EDI confirms. "It may take some time before the IFF is ready for shakedown. I will alert you when it's ready." 

"Sounds good. 'Til then, it's business as usual. Crew dismissed." When they're gone, she looks up at me. "Ready to go talk to a Geth, big guy?"

"On your six." 

*****

Miranda has stationed guards outside the AI core. She wanted to keep it, but she isn't sure about waking it up, and I don't blame her for the caution. I don't need the guards though, as much as I like Hawthorne and Hadley. I brought one of my own.

"I'm turning this thing back on," I warn them when we approach. "I expect we can handle it, but stick around and be ready just in case."

"Yes, ma'am," Hadley confirms quickly.

Hawthorne chimes with, "Aye, aye." He then smirks at Garrus and asks, "Gonna invite the thing to poker?"

"Hey, if it has credits, I'm happy to relieve it of them," the Turian replies. I roll my eyes as I lead Garrus inside, and hear him pat one of the guys on the shoulder. The doors don't shut behind us.

The Geth is lying on a table at the very back of the core, useless and shut down for the moment. EDI has erected a kinetic shield around that space as well, so I can't get closer than about six feet. I'm sure Garrus is happy about that, considering his rifle is already in his hands. Just in case.

"I have isolated our systems and erected additional firewalls. I am prepared to resist any hacking attempt," EDI tells me.

"I can activate it from my tool as another safeguard," Garrus offers. I nod, and he gets to work. It doesn't take long before the Geth is moving.

A Geth on my ship. Not how I saw today going.

It starts to move slowly, the flashlight that makes up its face comes on and off slowly like its blinking. If I didn't know better, I'd think the thing is moving like it's sore. It stands on the other side of the barrier and faces me. When it's standing, I realize that it has a massive hole in one side of its chest; clearly, this thing has done battle.

The Geth stands there, silent and unmoving. Waiting. Moment of truth.

"Can you understand me?" I ask.

"Yes." The answer startles me still. I've heard it talk before but still the idea that a Geth can talk is...wow.

"Are you going to attack me?" I only ask because it seems like a reasonable next question. Not that any answer will get Garrus to lower his rifle yet.

"No."

I nod. "You said my name aboard the Reaper. Have we met?"

"We know of you."

"You mean because I've fought a lot of Geth?"

The Geth shifts a little and blinks at me. "We have never met."

"No, you and I haven't. But I've met other Geth."

"We are all Geth, and we have not met you." Now it's my turn to just blink at it. "You are Shepard. Commander. Alliance. Human. Fought heretics. Killed by Collectors. Rediscovered on the Old Machine."

"Old Machine?" Garrus clarifies. "You mean the Reaper?"

The Geth bobs its head like a nod. "A superstitious title originating with the Protheans. We call those entities the Old Machines."

I try not to sound too suspicious or hostile when I note, "You seem to know an awful lot about me."

"Extranet data sources. Insecure broadcasts. All organic data sent out is received." It shifts again, then says, "We watch you."

"You watch me, or you watch organics?"

A blink. "Yes."

"Which?" Garrus asks, his voice a little harder now.

"Both."

I can tell that frustrates Garrus, but it's not going to get us anywhere right now. "What do you mean I fought heretics? Who are they?"

"Geth build our own future," it begins. "The heretics asked the Old Machines to give them the future. They are no longer part of us. We were studying the Old Machine's hardware to protect our future."

"So, the Reapers are a threat to you, too?" I ask.

"Yes."

I shake my head. "But you're machines, too. The Reapers want to wipe out organics. Why would they attack you?"

"We are different from them. Outside their plans."

That actually makes sense. I don't doubt that the Reapers will kill anyone or anything that gets in their way. They aren't going to accept any dissonance, and even the people who think themselves allied with the Reapers - like Saren did - will pay a price for that.

"What future are the Geth building?" Garrus asks.

"Ours."

"And will anyone be affected by whatever it is you're doing?" I add.

The Geth looks at me, pauses, then says, "If they involve themselves, they will."

I look over my shoulder at Garrus who just shrugs and frowns. I don't get the feeling that the Geth is being deliberately secretive or obtuse, just that it may not be quite adept at conversation. It also seems to be honest, which is good for us.

"So, you aren't allied with the Reapers?" I press. It's really the only question that matters.

"We oppose the heretics. We oppose the Old Machines." It gestures at me. "Shepard-Commander opposes the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the heretics. Cooperation furthers mutual goals."

I blink again, and Garrus recovers first to ask, "Are you asking to join us?" I can feel my own surprise reflected in his voice.

"Yes," the Geth answers quickly, confidently. And I believe it.

I signal to Garrus, and he lets the shield down without question. That makes me feel more confident in trusting my instincts with this thing. He even leaves his rifle lowered when it's down and when I step a little closer, to a conversational distance.

"What should I call you?" I ask the Geth.

"Geth."

"I mean you specifically."

It blinks at me. "We are all Geth."

Garrus snorts a laugh and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "What is the individual in front of me called?"

"There is no individual," the Geth explains. "We are Geth. There are currently one thousand one hundred eighty-three programs active within this platform."

EDI pops up beside me. "'My name is Legion, for we are many.'"

"Legion?" I nod. "That sounds good."

"Christian Bible, the Gospel of Mark, chapter five, verse nine." The Geth does that nod thing. "We acknowledge this is an appropriate metaphor."

"Is that a reference I should understand?" Garrus asks.

I shake my head quickly. "Definitely not. We don't have the time to explain human religions, and it's not important anyway." Garrus nods, accepting that. He accepts that for a lot of human nonsense and complexities.

"We are Legion, a terminal of the Geth," Legion says, straightening up a little. It almost seems...proud? "We will integrate into the Normandy."

That sounds like enough of a request for privacy that I'm ready to go, so I stick out my hand in both a welcome and a goodbye for now. Legion stares at my hand before sticking out its own...but only parallel to mine and not touching. I smile and grasp its hands, cold but not uncomfortably so. I then move our hands up and down once before releasing him.

"Welcome to the Normandy, Legion," I offer, taking a step back. "EDI, give Legion the schedule so it...He? They? Any thoughts or preference on gender, Legion?" The Geth just blinks at me, and I laugh. "Yeah, too complicated for an extranet search. Give Legion the schedule so he can join us for dinner. I'm sure the crew would love to meet you."

Garrus chuckles at that but offers a hand to Legion as well. The Geth accepts it, and Garrus then shifts their grips onto one another's forearms. "Hands are only for humans. Like this for everyone else." He then tugs the Geth a little closer with the grip and claps a hand onto their shoulder. "You're a helluva shot, Legion. Welcome to the team."

If Geth are capable of looking surprised, then Legion is definitely surprised when Garrus releases him. But they say nothing else, and Garrus turns to leave with me. All in all, that went about as well as I could have hoped.

"You heading back to the Main Battery?" I ask Garrus when we leave Med Bay. Much as I'd like a nap and I'm sure he would too, it's still the middle of the day around here.  
Garrus nods. "For a while at least. I'm helping Jacob upgrade some of the heavy pistols later. Rounds?"

"Yep. Starting with Tali, just in case she's not as okay with this as she seems." Garrus wishes me luck, then kisses my lips before nipping my throat. I shamelessly pause for a second to watch his butt as he walks away, and then head for the elevator to get to work. I check my messages on my Omni-Tool, not expecting much. And it's because I'm not expecting anything that a big surprise nearly makes me stumble.

Liara needs our help.


	45. Awkward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter will bring this work over 500k words! I'm blown away and honored that any of you choose to read it and especially those of you who have been around since the beginning. You're amazing, and your comments/kudos feed my soul. Much MUCH more to come for Garrus & Elle! Love you all.

I have to admit that a Geth sitting in the Normandy's Mess Hall while we have dinner surprises me. I mean, there was a time when it surprised me to have dinner with humans, a Quarian, and a Krogan two years ago, too. That became normal, so I assume Legion being here will eventually too. Of course, him standing at the side of the room and staring at us instead of actually sitting doesn't help. 

I want to invite him to sit down, but I look to Tali first. If she doesn't want to sit at a table with a Geth, I'm certainly not going to force her. The Quarian looks at me, then up at the Geth, and finally nods before going back to her meal. She's not going to talk to him, but I imagine she's curious, too. 

"Legion, you can sit with us if you'd like," I offer, kicking out a chair on the other side of the table. Shepard will appreciate this when she comes down from her call with Anderson, I'm sure. And I think the whole crew will be more comfortable if Legion feels more familiar. Less...Geth. 

Legion just blinks at the chair and then looks around. "We do not eat." 

"Do you sit?" 

He needs a minute to think that over. "Yes." 

I motion at the chair again. "Then, sit. You wanted to join the crew, so come sit with us. Talk." 

The Geth finally does, moving to the seat and sitting. It occurs to me then that we might not know how to talk to him. I remember Shepard trying to get a name out of the thing, and I’m not sure I have Shepard’s finesse to figure out the right thing to say so we can communicate. The others on the crew are eager to make the effort. They try to ask the Geth questions, doing their best to be welcoming despite the obvious tension his presence causes. Legion doesn't make it easy, but since he's clearly oblivious and not obstinate, no one blames him for it. 

"I'd still like to know more before we fight side by side with the thing," Jacob mutters. He glances at Tali right after saying it, almost like he's looking for her approval. And since he's been crushing on her since Tali's arrival on the Normandy, it wouldn't really surprise me if that's why he said it. 

Human men couldn't possibly be more predictable. 

"And I still have questions," Shepard announces, coming from the elevator. She's still dressed casually, which surprises me considering she was speaking with Anderson. Maybe it was a personal call. 

I forget all about it when she tugs my fringe playfully before sitting beside me, across from Legion. I wonder what the Geth thinks when I wrap my arm around her. I wonder if he thinks about that sort of thing at all or if AI don't waste the processes on some of the nonsense that organic species bother themselves with - namely, other people's relationships. 

"Specify, Shepard-Commander," Legion says, straightening a little like he's preparing himself for what's to come. 

"Did Sovereign contact the Geth, or did you seek it out?" she asks. 

"Nazara - the entity you called Sovereign - signaled us," Legion answers calmly. "Like the Geth, the Old Machine listened to organic radio transmissions. It knew of our war against the creators. Nazara contacted many species over the millennia, seeking allies." 

"Wait, what did you call Sovereign?" Shepard asks. It's definitely not a name we've heard before. 

"Nazara. That was what the programs within the Reaper called themselves. 'Sovereign' was a title given by Saren Arterius. Saren and the heretics believed Nazara to be a 'supreme ruler.' A sovereign." 

Joker huffs. "I don't like thinking of the Reapers as having real names. Like they're people." 

"I don't like thinking of Saren believing in a fucking machine as a 'supreme ruler,'" I add, wincing at even the thought. I would have considered him one of my closest friends back then, and yet it was obvious I didn't know him at all. 

Shepard squeezes my thigh. She gets why it hurts. Especially since she knows that Saren took Nihlus from me and what that means. 

"And the Geth that followed Sovereign are the ones you call 'heretics'? Tali clarifies. It's a good sign that she's talking to Legion and getting involved in the conversation. At least she doesn't hate us all for this. 

Legion bobs his head in a nod. "The heretics accepted their technology. The Old Machines offered to give us our future. The Geth will achieve our own future." 

"You know, it sounds like the same deal Sovereign pawned off on Saren and tried to get us to take for the galaxy," Shepard notes. "We could bow down and accept the Reapers as our masters, they would create our future." 

"And you told them to shove it. Good for you, Commander," Hadley says, offering Shepard a toast with his coffee mug. I squeeze her shoulder, sharing in the sentiment from our crew. What the Reapers offered was unacceptable. 

And that means what the Reapers offered the Geth was unacceptable, too. It makes me a little happier to have Legion on the team. 

"There are many paths to the same end," Legion notes. "Accepting another's path blinds you to alternatives. Nazara - Sovereign - said this itself." 

Shepard nods, her voice low when she quotes, "'Your society develops along the paths we desire.'" It makes her shudder, and I know it's partially because of the memory of the beacons. I hold her closer without drawing too much attention and know she appreciates it when she leans against me. 

"I'm surprised you can speak," Kelly says to Legion. "I didn't know that was possible." When she leans on the table, the way Kelly always does when she's interested in a topic, Thane reaches out and draws her back into his side. He does it gently, not a correction but a protective move, and he's smooth as hell about it. Thane is smooth as hell about everything, though; it's no wonder Kelly is smitten. 

And I certainly don't blame the guy for being a little cautious about Kelly getting close to the Geth. In fact, I like knowing that Kelly is being protected. She's a good kid and I'd hate to think that Thane is using her. By that, I mean I'd hate to have to kill him for hurting her. 

"The one person we heard speak to the Geth didn't use a language we could understand," Shepard notes. She doesn't sound as sad about it as she could, probably because we just heard from Grissom Academy that David is there and settling in. 

"We prefer direct digital transfer," Legion explains. "Geth network communication travels at light speed. Human hardware does not support this method. Your analog oral communication is inefficient." 

"He's not wrong. I certainly have ways other than speaking I prefer to communicate." I don't even try to dodge the elbow Shepard throws gently into my side for that one; I deserve it. But she also can't help laughing with the crew about it, and the blush on her cheeks would be worth it even if she'd really hit me. 

"How do the Geth lead themselves?" Miranda asks. "Do you have a government?"

I almost roll my eyes. Not because of the question - it's totally valid. But Miranda barely spoke to me at all when I first got on the ship, and she still hasn't bothered to ask me a single question about Turian culture. For some reason, Legion gets a legitimate conversation; I'm lucky if I get a single kind word a day. 

"Not as you understand," Legion answers. "We are all Geth. We build consensus." 

"Most governments do," Matthews notes. 

"Organic governments impose consensus. From a single point of view in autocracies. By codifying the most broadly acceptable average of views in democracies." 

"So what makes Geth different?" I can feel Shepard start to lean forward to show her interest in this conversation, but I squeeze her shoulders to keep her closer. Thane had the right idea, and I'm not ready for that yet. 

"Data is shared between Geth," Legion says, fortunately unaware that I'm restraining Shepard. Shepard isn't unaware, but she only gives me a look and doesn't fight it. "All viewpoints are considered. Consensus is achieved as data is disseminated." 

I frown at him. "That must take a long time." 

"It would for organics. We communicate at the speed of light." 

Gabby leans forward, elbows on the table. She's a good distance from Legion and on the same side of the table, so I fight the urge to lean over and push her back in the seat. "I'd like to learn more about you, Legion." 

"Topic?" he asks pragmatically. 

I jump in before anyone else can, a question threatens to burst from me the moment I think of it. "You have a piece of N7 armor welded to you. Where did you get it?" 

Legion looks down at his chest, then looks up at Shepard and confesses, "It was yours." 

My grip on her tightens a bit. That's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard, and hearing it from a Geth makes it a thousand times worse. 

I take a page from Legion and use one word: "Explain." 

"When you disappeared, Shepard-Commander, we were sent to find you. We began where you first encountered the heretics." 

"Eden Prime," Shepard mutters. He nods. 

"After the Old Machine's attack, it was heavily defended. We were discovered." He leans back in the chair and motions to the massive hole in his chest, partially covered by the N7 pieces. "This is the impact of a rifle shot." 

Shit. Brutal shot. It's impressive he lived through it. 

"How many other Geth were sent out to find me?" Shepard asks. "And how many are still out there?

"We are the only mobile platform beyond the Veil," Legion answers. "Organics fear us. We wish to understand, not incite. One platform was judged sufficient." 

"And you've been looking for me for two years?" 

Legion nods. "We visited Therum, Feros, Noveria, Virmire, Ilos. A dozen unsettled worlds. The trail ended at the Normandy's wreckage. You were not there. Organic transmissions claimed your death. We recovered this debris from your hard suit."

Shepard nods, and her heart stays calm. It doesn't make her panic the way finding her helmet on the surface did. I don't know if that's because this piece isn't currently trash or because it's not something that was on her head. I'm not going to question it either way. 

"Did I miss something, or did you say that Geth are listening to organic transmissions?" Ken adds, surprising me by actually listening for once. Hawthorne says that out loud and gets punched in the arm for it. 

"Organic life reacts to stimuli in unpredictable ways. We wish to learn," Legion explains as if it's perfectly normal. 

"Stimuli?" I repeat, trying not to be too skeptical. 

Legion pauses for just a second before explaining, "We placed a fabricated story on the extranet that a certain arrangement of stares, viewed from the Batarian homeworld, formed the face of a Salarian goddess. Without waiting for verification, some declared it proof of the goddess' existence. Those who noted the lack of proof were attacked. The arguments taught us much. The experiment ended when a Salarian cult tried to purchase colonization rights to the stars and found they did not exist." 

There's a thick silence for a moment, everyone trying to figure out how to respond to that, I think. And it's broken by Mordin, of all people, breaking into uproarious laughter. It's instantly contagious, even Tali giggling, though Shepard tries to hide her chuckles for the sake of professionalism. She fails, and falls into my side. 

"Oh, Legion," she manages, wiping tears once we all recover. "I think you're gonna fit in here just fine. I do have one more question, though. Why were you trying to find me?"

"You oppose the heretics," he replies. 

Shepard shrugs a little. "All kinds of organics fought Sovereign and his Geth allies. You could have found any one from my crew. Why am I so interesting?"

I can tell that part of why Shepard needs to know is to hear that she's not somehow part Reaper or also worshipped as a machine by the Geth. I have absolutely no concerns about how he will answer. I know who she is. 

Legion leans forward a little, the first time he's been anything other than completely cool, monotone, mechanical. "You were the most successful. You killed their god. You succeeded where others did not. Your code is superior." 

"That doesn't explain why you used my armor to fix yourself," Shepard responds, leaning forward a little herself and definitely challenging him. 

Legion pauses, surprising me. "There was a hole," he finally says. 

"But why didn't you fix it sooner? Or with something else?" she presses.

"No data available," he answers, sitting back again. 

This time, the laughter is mine. "Oh, that's cute. Just remember she's mine, alright, buddy?" I wink at the Geth, who just cocks his head at me, but Shepard rolls her eyes. Only she could get a Geth to crush on her, I swear. 

The crew starts to disperse, the engineers taking their time to study Legion - with Tali watching closely. I excuse myself to the Main Battery, assuming Shepard needs to do rounds, but she follows me. I don't mind one bit, especially when she sits on my cot with the datapads for her reports. 

I'm only a few minutes into a system calibration, however, before Shepard starts shifting around in that way she does when she has something important and uncomfortable to talk to me about. The last time was when she accidentally walked into the crew room looking for Kelly and found Hadley completely naked. I don't think she anticipated just how funny I think that is. I assume this isn't going to be anything to fear either and pause the calibrations to turn toward her, crossing my arms and leaning on the console. 

"You may as well just spit it out before you hurt yourself, kid," I tease lightly. 

She chuckles and plays with her ponytail, which now hangs almost below her breasts when she pulls it over her shoulder. "I..." She winces, then meets my eye. "I lied to you."

"What?" I can't help a laugh. It seems almost impossible. After the last time - the only other time - Shepard lied to me, I didn't imagine we'd have this problem again. Granted, the fact that she's bringing it up here and not in our quarters or naked gives me hope that it's not a big deal. 

"I just didn't know if anything would become of it, and there was no point in upsetting you for nothing if it didn't," she explains. Sort of. When I just frown at her, Shepard lets out a breath. "Okay. I was not talking to Anderson just now. I was talking...to Liara." 

Well. That's not what I was expecting. 

I don't want to freak out just yet, so I take a breath through my nose and force calm on myself. We never talked much about what Shepard's continued relationship with Liara would be after Shepard found out what happened, I just...I assumed that she wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who betrayed me so badly. I draw another breath in as deeply as I can. 

"I...don't really know what to say to that. Do you wanna tell me why?"

"There's only one reason I would," she counters, her brow raised. 

Of course. I knew that. 

"Liara needs help." 

Shepard nods. "She told me that giving me any details over comms was too great a risk, that she couldn't do it. But considering we know she was looking for the Shadow Broker, it doesn't sound good. She didn't sound good." 

"Please don't try the empathy card here," I breathe. "I don't want to feel bad for her. Frankly, I don't want to help her. If you tell me that it's what we're doing, I'll stand by you. Don't ask me for more than that." 

She eyes me for a second, and I wonder just how badly I just let her down. Shepard wants me to be empathetic, to be good, to be like her. I'll never be as good as she is. I have a temper, I hold grudges, I've been hurt too deeply to forget it the way Shepard could - the way she would. But this is who I am, and Shepard has promised to love me for that. I have to believe her, so I stand my grand and choose honesty. 

I'm rewarded for it when she offers a tiny smile and holds a hand out, an invitation to sit with her. I don't resist, don't want to, even for a moment. 

"I'd never ask you to forgive her." Her tone makes it a promise. "I'm not forgiving her either. But I am asking you to trust me in knowing the right thing to do. Liara asked us to come to Illium to talk about whatever is going on. And I do want you on my side." 

"I'm always on your side." And that's a promise, too. 

"Thank you." Her smile grows into a devious one that does magnificent things to my heart and my body. "And I'm going to owe you big for this. I hear Illium has some fun shops." 

"I look forward to cashing in." I lean in and take her chin in my fingers, tilting her head and capturing her soft lips. "I look forward to punishing you for the lie, too. But we're okay. Thank you for telling me." 

"I'm not saying no to the punishment, not at all." At least she tries not to smile. Brat. "But do you understand why I lied? I really just didn't want to stress you out or hurt you needlessly, and if I didn't think this was serious with Liara, it would have been needless. I was just looking out for my best friend." 

"And I'm grateful," I assure her. "I probably would have made the same decision in your shoes." I tug her against me, reveling in her little gasp, and then growl, "But I'm gonna love turning that ass pink tonight, too." 

"Tonight?" She grins and throws her leg over my hips, straddling me in one smooth move. "Why don't we get started now?"

*****

I truly didn't see us coming back to Illium. Not even to resupply since everything here is wildly overpriced compared to the Citadel, and it's fairly out of the way. But definitely not for Liara. 

I was fine with letting Liara fall out of my life. She once meant a good deal to me; on the first Normandy, I could confide in Liara and trust her as a person if not in battle. But Liara hurt the most important person in my life. She betrayed him. I could deal with knowing Liara loves Garrus but not that she used him. He deserves my loyalty, and losing Liara for him would have been worth it. 

But I'm not someone who can turn my back on anyone who needs it. I would probably risk a good deal for an enemy, so long as I wasn't also risking Garrus or a friend. Liara sounded...odd. Maybe not scared, but off. And Liara isn't the type to run a mission on her own if this ends up being about what I think it is, so she needs me. She needs us. 

So here we are, back on Illium, and heading to see Liara. And it's awkward as fuck. 

Especially because in the days it took us to get here, my mind has chosen to torture me with imagined images of Garrus and Liara...naked...moaning...hands all over each - 

"You're picturing it, aren't you?" Garrus asks, eyeing me while we walk from the transportation center through the trading floor. Liara didn't pay for our docking fees this time so that she could avoid bringing more attention to us being here. Her secrecy doesn't make me feel better. And neither does the fact that Garrus is right and I'm absolutely picturing it. 

"Please don't scold me. I really wish I wasn't," I admit. 

He squeezes my hand and then releases it to put his arm around my shoulder. We didn't wear our armor just to come meet with Liara and find out what's going on, and I'm grateful for that idea now. "I'm not going to scold you. I can't imagine I'd be able to help it either." 

"Please, you would have drawn blood the moment you found out." We laugh, and Garrus doesn't even attempt to deny it. "Can you just tell me that it wasn't a night of wild, unbridled passion?"

Garrus barks out a laugh, surprising me. "Spirits, not even close. It was...honestly, it was awkward. Weird. I can't imagine that Liara didn't feel the same way about it, really." I frown up at him, but Garrus looks serious. He shrugs. "I don't know, maybe it was my fault. I wasn't forced, not by any means, but...I couldn't get out of my head enough to really get into it. And I'd been drinking which probably didn't help."

"And in the morning?"

"In the morning...Liara offered to stay," he admits. "She said at least we could offer each other comfort, but I told her the truth. I had nothing to offer anyone who wasn't you. She left on good terms, and two weeks later, you were dragging my sorry ass off Omega." 

"Two weeks? Fuck." 

I don't mean to say it, and only realize it's too late when Garrus stops suddenly. "Please tell me I misunderstood that 'fuck,'" he whispers. "Shepard. Were you already alive two weeks before you came to Omega?"

God, I want to lie to him. But he'll know if I do, and it's not the right thing anyway. 

"It's possible," I tell him, looking up to meet his eye. "Depending on exactly when...yeah. I might have been."

"Fuck." 

"Exactly." 

And Liara is an information broker, one with connections to Cerberus in a way. There's no way she didn't know at least something about the progress of Project Lazarus. I wasn't ready to wake up when I did, the scars weren't completely healed, but I was close enough. She probably knew that. Even if there's just a possibility she knew it, it makes what she did with Garrus about a hundred times worse. 

But she still needs our help and that doesn't change. 

"I love you," I tell him, grabbing his carapace and pulling him closer to my level. "Yes, this is awkward. And yes, I'm angry with Liara for what she did. But I'm here now, and I'm going to destroy the Collectors and the Reapers so that I can marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. That's all that matters." 

He glances around quickly before pulling me against him more completely, lifting me right off my feet so that he can kiss me. "You're right, and I love you too. But are you sure I can't convince you to just marry me now? I bet we can find someone on Illium to do it for us today." 

I squirm out of his arms, laughing at his weak attempts to prevent my escape. "Not a chance, big guy. I want a real wedding and more importantly, I want a real honeymoon." I shoot him a look and add, "And most importantly, I do not want to get married on Illium while we're here to see Liara." 

"The honeymoon is the only reason I'm caving," he admits, leaning down to nip my throat quickly. It's a harder bite than usual which means it makes me feel even hotter than usual. But I'm certain he did it to make a point for Liara; my throat is going to be red for a while today. And it's perfect timing for him to give me that reminder since now we have to get on with this and go meet Liara. 

Liara's office is exactly the same as last time, her assistant...well, actually, that person is new. I don't care enough to ask about that. Garrus and I are less awkward and tense with one another when we walk in, but the situation hasn't improved. And I think it'll always make me sad that seeing Liara is no longer a good thing. 

"Shepard, Garrus," she greets us, even though she doesn't look at Garrus. "It's good to see you again."

I don't know if she means it. 

"You sounded like something really serious was going on, Liara. Are you okay?"

She motions for us both to sit in the chairs in front of her desk. I wait for Garrus to sit, but he pulls out one of them for me first and then sits beside me. Liara doesn't sit down until we do, and then she holds a datapad out. It's sort of in the middle of us, not specifically offered to either of us, but I take just because that feels normal. And because I'm fairly certain Garrus isn't invested enough to read anything from her yet.

I graze it while listening to Liara explain. "I intercepted a transmission between Shadow Broker operatives. There are some hints as to his base and they mention Feron. He's still alive!" 

"I'm sorry, Feron?" I asked. 

"He was the friend who helped me recover your body from the Shadow Broker." She takes a deep breath. "Feron was with me when I stopped the Shadow Broker. He sacrificed himself to save me." 

"How did Shepard end up with Cerberus?" Garrus asks. 

Liara stammers for a moment, probably surprised he's talking to her without yelling or swearing at all. "Well...they gave me intel to help recover her. They actually put Feron with me in the first place. After I got out, I gave Shepard to them. They said...they were going to bring her back." 

Garrus shakes his head, and I brace for the yelling. But instead of hashing out what Liara did or didn't do, he asks, "Why did they go to you, though? Shepard had a whole crew, human and otherwise." 

We can all hear the unspoken question. Why not him. And I know he's wondering if it's because he'd already run to Omega, if he should have been available but wasn't. I reach for him, taking his hand and squeezing. 

"It's because I knew about the Shadow Broker and the Collectors early on," Liara tells him, her tone reassuring. "And honestly that was pure luck. Though it did spur me into intelligence trading." 

Garrus nods a little, accepting that, but he's still tense. He's probably going to be tense the entire time we're here and until this whole thing is done, I'm sure. The conversation is a reminder of my death, Liara is a reminder of a betrayal. And he told me that he feels like he betrayed me by having sex with her, with anyone else. 

I lift my other hand to his fringe and tug gently. "Hey. Do you want to go?" 

I keep my voice soft, but we all know Liara can hear. I'd feel bad for leaving now, but I'll do what Garrus needs me to. 

"No, I..." He takes a breath, then looks up at Liara. "You kept Shepard out of the Collectors' hands. Without you, I wouldn't have my life." He means that in so many ways, some that make me want to throw up and others that make my heart race. "We want to help." 

"I can't thank you enough," she breathes. "I was so concerned about you waking up with Cerberus, Shepard, I didn't know how you'd feel. But they brought you back. And now, they're giving me a chance to find Feron." Her voice cracks, and she laughs emotionally. "After two years, I hadn't even dreamed..." 

"It sounds like you and Feron were close," I note.

She manages a small smile. "It's funny. He betrayed me more than once. He was double-dealing for Cerberus, for the Shadow Broker...but in the end, he sacrificed himself for me. I owe him." 

"And we owe you. So, what's the next step?" I ask. Garrus squeezes my hand, and I return it. We're in this together. 

"I...I don't know," she admits. "Honestly, I wasn't sure if you'd show or if you'd be willing to help. I would have understood." She glances quickly at Garrus before looking away. "I need to prepare, to think. I'm going home. Would you mind meeting me in an hour or two?"

We agree, and Liara stands to start heading out of the office. I swear her eyes are wet, and I can't help but ask, "Are you okay?"

She stops and turns back to us. "I've spent two years plotting revenge. Now I have the chance to make it a rescue. It's...a lot. I'm glad you're here." 

We don't try to stop her when she leaves this time, just sitting there for a moment after she's gone. Garrus takes my hand between both of his and brings it to his mouth, nipping the tip of my ring finger and then shifting to brush his mouth across my wrist. "Are you still feeling really uncomfortable?" he asks softly. 

"Maybe a little. But it's not your fault." 

"What can I do to help?" Without waiting for a response, Garrus tugs me out of my chair and right into his lap. 

"Do not start," I warn him, even though I can't help laughing while I say it. "We're not fooling around in Liara's office." 

"I'm not fooling around at all," he growls, smoothly trapping my hands on my lap and bringing his mouth to a very specific spot below my ear. He knows exactly what that does to me, and I can't help shuddering against him. Suddenly, he grabs my chin in his hand to make me look right at him. "When and where will I have your body, Elle?"

God, I could live just for these moments, these instances where he places me on the verge between fear and fantasy. I want him, I can't resist him, and knowing that I should only makes it hotter. 

"Whenever and wherever you want it, sir," I manage around a lump in my throat and the way my heart is racing. My voice is already husky with need, an ache throbbing between my legs. Garrus's smile sends heat surging through my veins, and when he takes my mouth, I surrender it immediately. His tongue takes ownership and melts me, and I barely even notice when Garrus stands from the chair and takes me with him. I snap back to reality when he lowers me onto the top of Liara's desk. 

"Don't move," he orders before stepping away. He pulls up his Omni-Tool before approaching the door, and before I can question it, he explains, "I'm locking the door so we have a little privacy." He throws a naughty grin over his shoulder and adds, "Even though I know you kind of like the idea of someone walking in here." 

"The glass wall behind me in more than enough exhibitionism, thanks." 

Garrus laughs and finishes quickly, but something knots in my stomach as he returns. I've never questioned Garrus's attraction to me. Sure, I've wondered what the hell a guy like this could see in me, but I never question his intent. Garrus wants me, wants to drive me wild and make me cum for him. I've never thought he had an ulterior motive. Until now. 

"What are you thinking so hard about?" he murmurs as he reaches me again, planting his hands beside me on the desk and leaning down so we're closer to eye level. "You know that if you really don't want this, you can always say no." 

"I don't know why you want this," I blurt out, my cheeks heating the instant my words hit the air. 

Garrus cocks his head. "Why? You need more proof than you usually have of what you do to me?"

"No, I...I mean...are you doing this because you want me or because you want to prove something?" I ask. "Either to me or to Liara." 

"Oh, kid." He leans forward and catches my lips for a deep kiss. "I want you," he murmurs against my mouth. "I always want you, I always have. I'll prove it to you however you'd like, but I don't need that." He kisses me again, deeply enough that my head is spinning when he breaks away. "Only you. You know that, right?"

"Yes." It comes out a breathless whisper, my whole body charged with lust. 

"You love me?" 

"Yes." 

He grins. "You wanna cum for me?"

"Yes, sir." 

"That's my girl." 

We crash together, mouths and hands frantic. I yank his fringe and he gropes my breasts, I squeeze his waist and his teeth score down my throat, I grip his cock through his pants and he tears through the belt on mine for access. He yanks my hips to the edge of the desk and tugs my pants down to my ankles while I work his cock out of its confines. I hold it in both my hands and squeeze, reveling in the growl he releases. "Never stops impressing me," I admit.

"You brag about it more than I do," he teases, tugging my ponytail to pull my head back and expose my throat. He runs his tongue along the column of my throat, sending heat surging down my spine. 

Garrus steps close, taking his own cock in hand and aiming. He presses me back to lay down flat and shoves my shirt up over my breasts before finally slipping inside me, sheathing fully in one stroke. I force myself not to cry out, biting the back of my hand, and Garrus gives me a devilish smile before rolling his hips in the way that drives me absolutely crazy. My back arches off the desk - Liara's desk - and he doesn't steady or slow. Not giving a single damn about whether or not Liara's assistant can hear his balls smacking off my ass, my not-quite-muffled moans, and his snarling, Garrus fucks me with abandon until the room starts to spin. 

He can always tell when I'm on the edge, and before I can get there, Garrus pulls me off the desk, turns me around, and then guides me to lean over it before thrusting back inside me. One hand comes up under my bra to tease my nipple and the other finds my clit, Garrus manipulating my body like an expert. He leans over my back and growls in my ear, voice low and deep. "You like the look of it so much, how's that cock feel, baby? You like that?" Another roll of his hips has my head slumping forward to the glass desk. "Yeah, that's right. I own this cunt, don't I?"

"Yes, sir," I pant out. "Everything. All yours." 

"Mmm all mine." His cock is deep inside me, hitting exactly where I need him, and his fingers play with my clit perfectly. My whole body is trembling, my heart is racing, and I can feel an explosion coming. Garrus feels it too, reading me perfectly. "Oh, I love the way you tighten around me before you cum. Your body milks my cock so good, my love. Oh, baby, give it to me. Cum for me so I can fill you up." 

It's incredible, the control he's established over my body. The moment he demands it, I lose myself in sensation and ecstasy. I feel his growl rumble through his carapace against my back, his hot seed erupting inside me, his breath against my throat. His strokes lose their rhythm and slow as I come back to reality, and we stay there panting and sweating on Liara's desk for a long moment. 

"Fuck, I'm crazy about you," he murmurs, lifting up just enough to kiss my neck. "My plates were crawling when we first walked in here, and you made me so hot in seconds, I couldn't think about anything but getting inside you. Spirits, Shepard." 

I don't fight the rush of ego that surges through me. It's a heady thing to know this man loses himself in me, in his need for me. He's so incredibly sexy and vastly more experienced than I am, but he wants me. He needs me, he loves me. And, God, I love him more than I can stand. Garrus nuzzles the side of my head and I lean into it, basking in the final moments like this before he straightens and pulls out slowly. I let him guide me up and then lean heavily back against him. Garrus catches me, just like I knew he would. 

"I love you," I tell him, tilting my head back. "And I both love and hate how easily you convince me to pull my pants down or get on my knees in places where it's inappropriate." 

He chuckles. "And illegal. Don't forget that I promised illegal sex when I proposed to you, and you said yes. You're trapped now." 

"I'm not trapped until we get married," I warn him, elbowing him playfully. Garrus laughs and spins me around for a hard kiss before kneeling and helping me get my pants back up. He can bend me over a desk in someone else's office and debase me, and then kneel to dress me like he worships me. "You're perfect." 

"So I've heard," he quips. It earns him a kiss, and then I push his hands away so that I can tuck his almost-soft cock back into his pants. It's not quite as almost-soft by the time I'm done, but he manages to make it work. And he has absolutely no shame about a bulge. 

I'm going to be not soft too if I don't stop thinking about it. 

We do our best to guess where everything was on Liara's desk. We didn't make a huge mess, there was no sweeping of everything off the top, but I have to hope that my breasts didn't push anything on the datapad that ended up under me. Part of me feels a little guilty that we defiled Liara's desk. And then I remember that she took advantage of Garrus and has been in my fiance's bed, so I really don't feel all that bad. And besides, we're going to help her with something very important. She can deal with us having had sex on her desk. 

Really, I don't know that we'll ever hear from or see Liara again after this. I know Garrus would prefer that we didn't. And I have to be okay with that, no matter what else happens today. It's easy, though, if I'm asked to choose between them. I know where my loyalties lie. 

We pull ourselves together and head back to the transportation hub. Illium is bustling, and I wonder if anyone who walks past us has any idea what we were just doing. Garrus doesn't seem concerned at all, his arm draped around my shoulder, and his eye only straying when we pass shops for weapons or tech. My eye strays for weapons once or twice too...but I wish it didn't for the baby shop. 

Garrus definitely notices, pressing his mouth to my head for a long moment. It's a promise of hope, I know. And it's more than enough. 

We get a cab and take it to reach the address that Liara sent. This part of Illium is gorgeous, and we can see even from a distance that her apartment is downright lavish. But I'm distracted from that by the cops and the crime scene tape blocking off the entrance. Garrus releases my shoulder, and we both instinctively check our holsters; I know he's wishing he had his rifle. 

"Seal off those trace samples and get them back to the lab," one cop is saying inside. 

"We got multiple shots fired," another says from elsewhere in the apartment. "Your techs are going over the place now. 

"Shots?" I echo, my stomach sinking a little. Garrus squeezes my hand, offering his silent support until we can figure out what happened. "What is going on?" I ask the cop guarding the tape at the entrance. 

"This area is sealed off," the cops responds without so much as a glance at me. "Please step back, ma'am." 

"Sealed off?" Garrus repeats. "Why?"

"Someone tried to kill your friend, Commander Shepard." I look past the cop toward the stairs in Liara's home. A tall, gorgeous Asari is absolutely sauntering down the stairs, hips swaying and her fingers grazing the railing in a way that manages to look almost sensual. If she's inside, I imagine she's official, but she doesn't say cop. Or professional. 

"Oh, fuck," Garrus growls from beside me. I turn to question him, but I only need a glance to know why he's trying hard not to look at that Asari. 

And if I had any confusion or doubt, the way she's looking at him would sweep them all right out the door. This stacked, sexy Asari is undressing Garrus on her way across the room, and the look on her face suggests that she knows exactly what she'd see if he were naked. 

Now I get to spend the day with two people Garrus has slept with. Lovely. 

"Thank you, Officer," she says to the cop guarding the tape before addressing us. "Your people are dismissed." 

"You can't do that!" the cop protests. But she doesn't get the sentence all the way out before her datapad chimes. The look on her face tells me that the hot Asari can do exactly that. 

"Already done," the Asari notes. As the cops disperse and I lead Garrus into the apartment, it becomes clear that this Asari is used to being in charge. She just about owns the room that isn't hers. Finally, she looks at me. "Tela Vasir. Special Tactics and Recon." 

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "A Spectre?"

"Not one quite as famous as you," she replies with a smile that is definitely supposed to be soft; I can see the edges. Her gaze shifts to Garrus and changes, growing familiar and hot. Not fond. "Garrus Vakarian. Always good to see you." 

"Vasir." His voice is flat, even. He's trying to sound disinterested but I wish I could hear his subtones to know if it's genuine. I find it hard to believe he could be disinterested in this stunner. 

Vasir doesn't seem to mind the brush off, and she leans casually against the back of the couch. Liara's couch. In Liara's apartment where Liara is not. Maybe that is why I'm on edge...but I can't help thinking it's something about Vasir setting me on edge. 

"So, I assume you had business with your friend this evening, Commander?" 

I take a breath to calm myself. Tela Vasir is a Spectre, we're professional equals, and Illium is more her home territory than mine. I should at least give her base level respect and the benefit of the doubt. 

"Liara was following a lead on the Shadow Broker," I explain. 

"The Shadow Broker?" she asks, surprise on her face. "Dangerous enemy to have." 

"What are the facts so far?" Garrus asks, walking away from us to start examining the room. Cop instincts kicking in or a need to get away from his ex; in either case, I don't stop him and give the guy his space.

"About twenty-five minutes ago, someone took a shot at T'Soni. Note the bullet holes." Vasir motions behind me to the wall-length windows of the apartment with a stunning vista, marred only by the bullet impacts. But not holes. They didn't get through. "She stuck around for almost four minutes before leaving the building. Whatever she was doing was important." 

"Do you know where Liara is now?" I ask. 

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be sifting through her crap." Vasir says it in a way that tells me she's trying to sound frustrated by the case. My instincts tell me that she's being sarcastic, though. I don't know if I can trust those instincts though with my hackles raised; is this jealousy about Garrus or is something really off about her. 

"There's no blood, no body?" Garrus asks from across the room. 

Vasir shakes her head. "It looks like T'Soni got away. The sniper didn't plan on her kinetic barrier. Clever girl. Paranoid, but clever." 

"Did the police find anything else?"

"Just the mess and the bullet holes. I gave them a gold star for finding the bullet holes," she notes with a snort. 

Yeah, I don't like her. 

Garrus has made his way back around and stops beside me to look up at the windows. He doesn't say anything for a beat or make a move to touch me, his focus on the investigation, but he's standing closer than he would normally while we're working. I have no complaints about it. I know that Garrus is faithful and always will be, but I'm still a little insecure about someone who looks like Tela Vasir. Especially because she's so shut off and unfriendly. 

"Your standards have changed, Vakarian." The words pop out before I even mean to say it. I only say it at all because I'm already on edge, probably from the moment Liara called and definitely around Vasir. I say it quietly enough that she doesn't hear me, but Garrus certainly does...and he definitely doesn't like it. 

"Don't think that I won't take you over my knee for talking badly about my fiance just because other people are here," he growls softly. 

"Don't tempt me to let you." 

I move away from him before he can respond to that and focus on the work. Mostly because I'm ashamed for having said any of that but also too stubborn to take any of it back right now. Not with Tela Vasir a few feet away. 

"Liara was expecting me," I say, getting us back on track. "She would have left a message here. Her office wasn't secure." 

"I'm not surprised. Illium is just Omega with expensive shoes," Vasir replies, mirroring so much of what other people have said about this station. Everyone seems to hate this place. "I haven't found anything useful for tracking her down yet, but you knew T'Soni better than I do. Where would she have hidden her backup?"

I try not to notice that she just referred to Liara in the past tense - I knew her. 

"Let me look around." Vasir nods and heads into the kitchen, though I can see her lurking and listening. 

"The rifle that made these shots isn't standard issue," Garrus says the moment we're alone. I'm not sure if I prefer that he's intentionally not talking about what I said and focusing on the work or if I'd prefer him to drag everything out of me. "This was a trained and well-paid sniper." 

"Why didn't they get through?"

"Liara has a kinetic barrier up," Garrus explains. "It deflected the shots, but they still managed to penetrate the glass. Whether the shots meant she was paranoid or just careful...you'd have to ask Liara." 

That's not going to be on the list of questions when I find Liara. 

I make my way past the windows and toward a display case on the side of the room. She has some Prothean artifacts as well as a set of N7 armor. I recognize it instantly and my heart swells. It's sweet but sad that she has my armor displayed like this. 

I continue around the room, massive and beautiful and very modern, and examine some of the things Liara has on cases and on walls. "Liara only has one doctorate up in a frame. I wonder why," I muse. 

"I didn't know Liara had multiple doctorates," Garrus admits. It's oddly comforting that Garrus doesn't know a personal detail about Liara. But then I immediately feel guilty for being comforted by something so foolish. 

I stop in front of a massive painting, Garrus arriving almost at the same time. "That's not the Asari homeworld," Vasir notes from behind us before I have a chance to say anything to Garrus. "Not sure what planet it is." 

"It's Ilos," Garrus and I say at the same time. 

We leave it behind and start up the stairs into Liara's loft bedroom. She has a massive fish tank and it almost makes me laugh. There's no automatic feeder, though; Liara apparently remembers to feed her fish, and I hate that I feel bitter about that. 

Nothing appears too interesting at first, but Garrus calls me to the table beside the bed. He shows me a framed photo of the first Normandy when I reach his side. "You think that's important?"

"A hunch," he replies. "On Omega, we used a DNA scanner with fingerprints to access our base. Liara knew that, and I think...here." 

He holds it out, and I take the frame. The moment I touch it, the picture in the frame changes from the Normandy to the dig site back on Eden Prime. "Damn. Good hunch, big guy." 

"What does it show now?" Vasir asks, her voice a little too eager for my taste. 

"It's a Prothean dig site," I answer. "Liara did leave a message." 

"There were more Prothean artifacts downstairs," Garrus notes. "We should check them, see if anything stands out." His hand lands low on my back. It could just be a motion for me to lead him down the stairs, but it's far too low to be professional. I know immediately that it's a message for Vasir, a lot clearer than the one Liara left for us. 

I pause, letting Vasir go down the steps ahead of us, and then turn to Garrus. "Are you mad? It's not you, you know. It's not even Tela Vasir or Liara or whoever. I even like the thought of you with some people, but I...I'm still pathetic. 

"Stop that," he breathes, stepping close and taking my face between his hands. "I know you're insecure; I know you hate that about yourself. But you don't have to apologize to me. I'll happily spend the rest of our lives convincing you that I'm crazy about you. My taste has improved vastly." He cocks his head and adds, "And I never even consider spanking you while I'm mad at you." 

"Oh my God, please just kiss me." He smiles and leads down to meet for a deep kiss. It doesn't last nearly as long as I want it to, but at least it means we're okay for now. 

We head down the stairs, and I don't hesitate to let Garrus take my hand. Especially because Vasir definitely notices it, but she's too good at schooling her expressions for me to guess how she feels about it. I ignore her and set to checking out the various Prothean relics Liara has decided to display in her home. 

"I get this was her life's work, but some of this shit is seriously ugly," Garrus notes, looking up at a disfigured, weird piece of...something. A rock, maybe? Garrus is most definitely not wrong. 

After a few minutes, when we're getting down to the last few objects, I hear Garrus make a noise that I recognize as thoughtful and curious. I move beside him when he kneels to look at the base of a case, and as I reach him, Garrus finds something under the case that pops out a little tray. He stands and shows me the disk sitting on it.

"Vasir, I've got something here," I call, even though I don't really want to involve her. I wish I knew the protocol for throwing another Spectre off a case. Of course, she might be here on behalf of the Council while I'm here on behalf of a friend. Or former friend, who knows.

"Backup disk," Vasir notes when she approaches us. "Let's try it on her terminal." 

Garrus leads us over, not even attempting to give Vasir the disk. Something tells me he's got a bad vibe from her, too. I force myself not to have thoughts that would disparage him about that. 

Liara's terminal is almost wall-size. It's the only thing in the apartment I've seen Garrus look impressed about. There are six screens, and after he inserts the disk, they all show the same thing - a Salarian. 

"It looks like she recorded a call," Vasir says. She's excellent at stating the obvious. The log tells us that it could have been recorded minutes before the shooting and whatever else led to Liara disappearing from her apartment. 

"What about you got for me, Sekat?" we hear Liara ask from the recording. It's weird still to hear her sound so in charge, so confident. I'm equal parts impressed and concerned about the changes in her. 

"It was tricky, but you paid for the best," the Salarian responds. "I can narrow it down to a cluster, maybe even a system." 

"How soon can you have it?"

The Salarian shrugs. "Shouldn't take long. Come to my office, Baria Frontiers in the Dracon Trade Center. Gotta say, though, T'Soni - you're making me a little nervous. How big is the trouble that could come out of this?" 

"Relax, Sekat," Liara assures him, sounding genuinely calm. "I'll see you in a few hours." 

The video chat ends there, leaving me even more uncomfortable and tense than I was a moment ago. "This is important," I note. "The Shadow Broker's people already tried to kill her once." 

"I know where the Dracon Trade Center is," Vasir tells us. "My car's outside." 

"Good. You can drive us to our ship so we can armor up, and then we'll go." I don't give Vasir a chance to argue or come up with a plan of her own, heading right for the door and confident that Garrus is following me. I don't know what's going on with Liara or the Shadow Broker, but I'm not taking chances. We're gonna gear up and make sure she's okay. 

*****

It's my life's mission to get Shepard to see her the way I do. The way most of the universe and certainly all of the people who know her see her. It will never stop blowing my mind that somehow the most incredible person I have ever known, the most beautiful and the sexiest and the most talented person, sees something far less than that in a mirror. The moment she set eyes on Tela Vasir, I saw Shepard's confidence utterly deflate. How doesn't she see that she's not just far sexier but also just a better person and that counts for so much?

I've said it to her over and over, and I can tell that it's starting to help. She's a little more comfortable in her own skin, she was even comfortable enough to see me with someone else at Tarquin's party. But then she gets around someone like Tela Vasir, and I remember how much work is left. I don't mind doing it, but I hate seeing her in any pain for any reason. 

I promised to spend my life making Shepard know how loved she is, and I meant every word. That starts with having a word with Tela while Shepard gets her weapons from the armory where they were being cleaned. 

I first met Tela almost a decade ago now. I had just been promoted at C-Sec, and Saren took me out to celebrate. Tela was at the club, and he introduced us. We hooked up that night and at parties a few times after; she was the first Asari I ever fucked instead of just doing that joining thing. It was one of those memories I basked in for years, a notch on my bedpost that I was proud of. I'm not that guy anymore, though. And I need to make sure Tela knows that before she says anything to hurt Shepard. 

I find her waiting on the dock, reading something on her Omni-Tool that she shuts quickly when I approach. I assume it was official and I wouldn't consider asking anyway. Especially not when I recognize the way she's looking at me very well. When Shepard looks at me like that, I get hard in a second. Ten years ago, Tela would have had the same effect on me.   
Being a bonded man is a weird experience sometimes, but I love everything about it. And I love being in love.

The thought puts a smile on my face, and Tela misunderstands it as interest. "Well, hey there, handsome. You thought we needed a few minutes along too, huh?"

"Yes, but not for the reasons you think." I don't get close enough for any further misunderstandings, and I cross my arms over my chest to make it clear I want her to stay at a distance, too. "I don't want you running your mouth or putting your hands somewhere they don't belong. And they do not belong on me."

"Oh, is that so?" she asks, giggling as if I'd just challenged her. 

"It is. Because all of me belongs to Shepard." That gets her serious finally, and she blinks up at me, lips parting a bit in surprise. "I bonded to her, and I'm marrying her, and I'll be damned if you're going to make her uncomfortable." 

She smirks. "I don't think it's my fault is she's uncomfortable around me. Smart girl." 

A growl rumbles through my chest, and I have to ball my fists to keep from snapping at her. We may need her help to get Liara back. Of course, thinking about Liara only gets my blood coursing hotter - in the bad way. 

"Oh, come on, Garrus," Tela teases, swaying her shoulders playfully. "You remember I'm good at playing with others, don't you?"

I hate myself for the memories that flash through my mind, even if they trigger nothing more than bittersweet disappointment at my past behavior. I've given Shepard a lot of reasons to doubt me, and it's a miracle she never does. But I'm a little proud of myself too for my reaction to those memories now. I don't want Tela. 

"I remember. And I don't care to relive the past. I have what I want now." And what I want now comes out of the Normandy's airlock at that exact moment, power and sex on long legs. Damn. What sweeps through me at the sight of her is unmistakably arousal. 

But what sweeps over Shepard's face is doubt, and I'm not going to let that stand. 

"Are we ready?" she asks, putting on her Commander mask. 

"Yep." I move around Tela and open the door to the backseat of Tela's car for Shepard. "Though I gotta say...I really wish we had a pillow." I wink at Shepard and revel in the heat that comes over her cheeks as she slips past me to get into the car. I shoot a hard look at Tela, and then get into the backseat with my girl.

Shepard takes my hand and squeezes, all the tension that was in her shoulders when she saw me alone with Tela gone now. "I know you did that on purpose. And I'm grateful." 

"She needs to know where she stands. But I also meant it. That got added to my fantasy list the moment you put the idea in my head." 

"We need an excuse to own a skycar," she murmurs as Tela climbs into the driver's seat and lifts the car. 

Tela doesn't have a word for us now and doesn't glance into the backseat on the drive through the business district and to the Dracon Trade Center, an impressive glass skyscraper. She parks at the ground level entrance, and we all get out, me following Shepard on the driver's side of the car. 

We barely take a couple steps before an explosion comes from somewhere above us, sending glass raining down on us and fire spewing from the windows. The windows where the bomb went off...on the third floor. 

"Liara's in there!" Shepard cries, realizing the same thing. 

I start forward with her, aiming for the building, and then three more explosions ring out from inside the building, engulfing the first and second floors in flames and sending us all flying back into the car. I do my best to shield Shepard from the glass rain, turning my back to the building and blocking her between me and the car, but I can't prevent all of it. She reaches up and pulls my head down, apparently having the same idea. 

When some of the chaos dies, I turn back to the building, and my stomach sinks at the sight. "They just took out three floors to make sure she's dead." 

"I'll grab the skycar and seal the building off from the top!" Tela calls, already getting back into her car. 

"We'll start down here and work our way up." She shakes out one of her hands and tries to hide her wince while speaking. 

"Just leave some for me," Tela calls back, then lifts off and speeds into the sky. 

The moment we're alone, I stop pretending I didn't notice and take Shepard's hand and pull off her glove. My visor tells me all the glass is gone, but at least one piece did some damage, and she's bleeding from the back of her hand. "There's no point in arguing that I'm fine is there?" she asks. 

"None," I respond, already putting Medi-Gel on the injury. "It's not bad, but you did this trying to protect my head. Indulge me." I press my mouth to her palm and take a deep breath, inhaling her scent to settle me. 

"That's not a burden," she promises, lifting onto her toes and pulling me down by the carapace to meet her for a kiss. I want to linger, well aware it's going to be the last moment of peace for a while, but I let her release me quickly. We do one final quick scan of ourselves for major injuries and then get to work. 

We have a lot of work to do if this damage is any sign of what's ahead of us. The ceiling of the lobby caved in, and there are bodies all over. A few injured people are helping one another out of the building, and since emergency services are arriving, we head in - locked and loaded. 

We find a set of stairs leading up, and I kneel at the body at the base of them. "Baria Frontier employee. Looks like he got caught in the explosion." 

"A lot of people did," Shepard growls. 

As we start up the stairs, Tela comes over our comms. "I wouldn't take any bets on T'Soni's informant surviving the blast." She clicks off immediately after, apparently stopping in only for that. 

"Do you feel weird about how she talks about Liara?" Shepard asks, slowing a little. "She used past tense already, and now she's not even mentioning her. Like she's just assuming..." 

I reach for Shepard's hand and stop her from continuing up the stairs. "I've heard it, and I don't like it either. But she doesn't know Liara like we do, and she certainly doesn't know us. Shepard and Vakarian do not fail their missions, right?"

"Right," she answers, confident and secure again. She gives me a nod and even flashes a smile, and then we're ready to continue on. 

Tela has always been kind of a bitch. I used to think that was sexy. Now, especially when it's someone that Shepard cares about at risk, I'm not going to accept Tela's attitude and casual approach to what happens. This is about much more than the Shadow Broker's army, at least until we find Liara. 

But as long as I can keep Shepard upbeat and focused, Tela getting under my skin doesn't matter. 

At the top of the stairs, we reach an open courtyard. It took as much damage as the inside of the buildings; there are dead and dying people everywhere. A lot of them are burnt, crushed, and broken from the bombs. But there are more than few who were killed by bullets. 

Shepard sees it at the same time, and she gets on the comm to tell Tela, "We're seeing casualties with bullet wounds. Watch yourself, Vasir. They used military grade hardware." 

"Bullet wounds? Guess this was more than just an explosion." 

Something in her tone strikes me as odd, but I can't place it, and I certainly don't know Tela well enough to take a guess. It's probably just the situation putting me on edge more than Tela. 

We continue navigating the building and the wreckage, looking for the elevators since the other ways up or forward are blocked. When we find them, the elevators aren't operating, and Shepard gives Tela a heads up about that, too. 

"No alarms, no police," Tela muses. "Very professional." 

Shepard pauses when the comms click off, then looks up at me with a frown. "Okay, this could just be my ego speaking, but does she sound - " 

"Proud," I finish, nodding. "Yeah, I think maybe she does. Though, to be fair, your emotions affect mine. I can't help that. So it's possible we're both biased." 

"Yeah. Okay. Let's not jump to conclusions and just focus on finding Liara." 

I agree, and we climb some debris to get up the stairs that will take us up the third floor and the Barria Frontier offices. The doors are still easy to spot among the damage, but the bomb just a few feet from those doors doesn't become visible until far too late. Late enough that my heart crashes into my boots. I snatch Shepard into my arms, spin away, and tackle her to the ground beneath me. 

"Garrus!" she yelps. "What?!" 

"Bomb. I need you to stay here until I know if it's live." 

"You're not going anywhere!" she snaps, gripping my armor. I shake my head and drag her with me behind a piece of the downed wall. She exhales relief when I pull up my Omni-Tool and use it to scan the bomb from our position. I can exhale the same way when the bomb is definitely dead. 

"We're good. Sorry." 

"No, good catch. And good tackle," she chuckles, shoving my shoulder on our way up. I'm not ashamed of it, and I know she doesn't want me to be, so I shrug it off and just count our blessings that the thing wasn't ready to go. I'm also a lot more on edge and checking the corners more carefully. 

We head through the doors into the Barria Frontiers office. The doors still work and open into a small foyer with an electronic logbook. What we need is right there on the first screen, but it's not the information we wanted to find. 

"Vasir, we're at the Barria Frontier offices," Shepard says over the comms, her voice strained now. I put a hand on her shoulder, offering what comfort I can. "Liara just signed in a few minutes ago." 

"Understood, Commander." 

We have to sign in as well, the security still on, and then we can continue into the office proper. The first bomb definitely went off inside this office; it's a disaster, the sprinklers running and pieces of rubble still smoldering. We move down the first hallway, but we don't get far before a flash grenade goes off just a few feet in front of us. We get cover, each of us on either side of the hall, just as the shots begin. 

Mercs, and a lot of them. All of them well-armed, and even one using a rocket launcher. We stay in cover and return fire, picking them off steady. 

"Vasir, we're pinned down!" Shepard warns Tela. "Mercs - and they're well armed." 

"Say hello to the Shadow Broker's private army, Commander!" the other Spectre cries from the other end. 

Shepard and I get our bearings and then push through the hallway and the office, taking out agents as we move. Even as a team of two, we operate flawlessly. It's a rush, being this effective and efficient with someone I feel so close to. It's also a rush being this effective; it's a good way to feel like a total badass. 

"You know, this is the one time when I don't mind that you can read my mind," Shepard teases between shots, grinning at me even from behind cover. 

"Oh, I think there's one other time, baby," I quip, giving her a wink. Shepard blushes and giggles, somehow lifting all the pressure of the gunfight off my shoulders. Being able to laugh with her while we fight and while we're in bed might be my most favorite thing about our relationship. 

It's keeping Shepard's mind off the fear for Liara too, I can see that in the change in her body language. And with both of us relaxed, we're even better. 

We finally clear the floor, but the problems haven't stopped. When we get to the floors and try to head up, we find a pipe has burst and is spewing flames across the staircase.   
Fortunately, we find a suppression system nearby and I can shut it down pretty easily, so we continue up. The fighting continues on the next level, but we're prepared for it this time.  
We clear out the main area, and then approach a door. Shots fire directly on the other side, but they aren't coming at the door, so we take a second to check our ammo and head through. As the doors open, Tela is putting her pistol away and a body that was kneeling in front of her falls dead to the floor. 

"Damn it," Tela swears. "If I'd been a few seconds sooner, I could've stopped them." 

She steps aside, revealing the body of a familiar Salarian. "Sekat," Shepard breathes, crossing the room to kneel in front of him. 

I head for the desk, but there's nothing that stands out. "No sign of that data Liara talked about. Looks like a dead end." 

"Speaking of which...did you find your friend's body?"

Shepard spins around, red in the face and definitely ready to tell Tela off, but she doesn't get a chance before the other door into the office opens. I never thought I'd be so happy to see Liara again. 

"You mean this body?" she demands, a pistol drawn and aimed right at Tela. 

"Liara!" Shepard gasps, running to her. She doesn't stand between them - thank the Spirits - but she does frown and hold Liara's shoulder. "This is Tela Vasir, she's a Spectre." 

"No," Liara counters. "This is the woman who tried to kill me." 

My rifle slips back into my hand smoothly, and then Tela has weapons pointed at her from both sides. Liara gives me a surprised glance, evidently not expecting my support, but she doesn't waver. Shepard looks torn, surprised. She wants to support Liara, but she wants to be the voice of reason if needed, too. 

Tela backs away slowly, toward the windows, with her hands up. "You've had a rough day, so I'll let that slide. Why don't you put that gun down?"

"I saw you!" Liara snaps, still walking slowly toward Tela. I follow, and Shepard stays close to Liara. "I doubled back after I left, and I watched you break into my apartment." 

Shepard draws her pistol as well, her face hardening. "You didn't know where Liara went because she hid the message. You needed me to find it for you." 

"Thanks for the help," Tela quipped, shrugging her shoulders. 

"Bitch," I growl. I should have trusted my instincts. Tela just grins at me, and she's damn lucky that's not enough for Shepard to shoot her. 

"Once she had my location, she signaled the Shadow Broker's forces," Liara explains. Her body language and tone are almost unfamiliar, they're so hard. "They bombed the building to take me out. She found Sekat, took his data, and killed him. I'm guessing she's still got the disk on her." 

"Good guess," Tela teases, nodding slowly. "Not that you'll ever see what's on it...you pureblood bitch!" 

As she screams the last few words, she launches a biotic blast at us. Liara throws up a shield in front of all of us, but Shepard puts up her own and uses it to launch herself at Tela. My heart stops when the two of them go crashing through the glass. 

Shepard is falling from the third story of this building. 

*****

With Vasir wrapped around me, the air whipping past us, and the ground approaching quickly, I can't afford to let crashing through the window distract me. I can't focus on Garrus's terrified shout, I can't panic. No, I have to dodge the fists flying at my face. 

It occurs to me that I should put up a biotic shield, but I can't manage to get my biotics to come to life. I can focus enough while plummeting off the side of a building to punch Tela Vasir in her perfect face, but not enough for my biotics. Mindfulness is not a thing right now. 

A last minute effort at a shield only distracts me enough to let Vasir to actually connect a hit. It's not hard, but it's enough that she can get distance from me and put up her own shield. The concrete comes rushing up at me, and all I can do is cover my head before smacking down hard with a thud that makes my stomach roll. 

All the air is knocked from my lungs, and for a terrifying moment, I cannot move or breathe. My vision is fuzzy, but I spot someone running away from me. 

Seconds later, I hear my name, and then a hard thud. Another set of legs go running from me just before I'm rolled to my back and staring straight up at Garrus. "Okay, kid, you're okay. Can you hear me?"

My lungs expand in a rush, and I suck in a deep breath that sends my chest into spasms. Garrus pulls me to sit up and examines me for visible injuries even though that's impossible with my armor while I catch my breath. I can feel the impact ringing through my body, but everything seems to be functioning. 

"You with me?" Garrus asks, pulling me to make eye contact. He's fucking terrified, and it makes me feel awful. 

"You mad at me?"

"You mean for diving through a glass window three stories up?" He smirks. "Not if you're not hurt. Though I am officially going to kill Liara; she didn't even look at you." 

"Huh. I was hoping I'd imagined that." The second set of legs abandoning me; that makes sense. Except in all the ways it doesn't, Liara leaving me injured - at least potentially - is significantly out of character. "Let's save her, and then we can kick her ass." 

"Deal." Garrus stands, and I extend a hand to him, expecting that he'll help me up. Instead, he bends down, scoops me under my arms, and then lifts me right off my feet. He lets me stand on my own but holds on for a second, making sure that I'm steady. Considering how hard I landed, I'm grateful for the extra caution. 

When we're both satisfied that I'm somehow uninjured, we take off after Liara who is chasing Vasir. We have to clear out more of the Shadow Broker's agents on the way, but we never pass an injured - or worse - Liara, so I assume she's gotten through them. It's not until we clear the floor and get back outside that we find Liara, hunkered down behind a car and shooting at Tela. 

Before we can join, Vasir's skycar swoops in, she jumps inside, and then she's off. A second later, Liara is running toward a parked skycar that must be her own because she unlocks it and leaps in. Finally, she turns to see if we're coming. 

"Shepard is fine, thanks for asking," Garrus snarls at her, slipping into the backseat. 

"At least I'm not naive anymore, right?" she mutters even though her shoulders tense when he scolds her. Garrus shoots daggers at her while I get in, Liara sliding over to give me the driver's seat. I think that makes Garrus glare even harder at her. 

For now, I choose not to say anything and get the skycar into the skies. It handles beautifully, making soaring around the buildings and through the skies of Illium easy even while speeding to catch up with Vasir. The other drivers don't appreciate it, but Vasir isn't playing it safe so I can't either. 

"Hang a right! No, wait, left!" Liara screeches, giving directions as if we aren't looking through the same damn windshield. 

"I'm on her." 

Vasir takes a last minute turn, and I follow closely. There's a moment where I expect her to turn again, but when Vasir continues speeding forward, I don't back down. If she thinks she can scare me off, she's sorely mistaken. 

"We're not going into the construction site, are - Oh, Spirits!" 

"Oh, Goddess!" 

I fight the urge to laugh at them and maneuver the skycar easily back out of the construction site, just a few seconds behind Vasir. She zooms into a tunnel, and I don't hesitate to follow. Even as she weaves through buildings and garages, I stay on her. 

And then she makes almost a complete 180 and gets back under me. "She's getting away," Liara cries. 

"No, she's not." 

I dive and do a spin of my own, cutting around a corner. "Traffic!" Garrus snaps from the backseat. "Oncoming traffic." 

"We'll be fine!" A second after the words are out of my mouth, I have to dodge a massive electronic billboard and hear Garrus stop breathing. 

And I don't have a chance to recover before I'm then dodging an explosion. Fortunately, it doesn't hit anyone else either, but Vasir isn't done dropping them. "She's dropping proximity charges," Liara says. 

"I can see that!" She's gotten excellent at stating the obvious. 

"Shepard, you got reinforcements coming in." Seconds later, two other cars appear, getting between me and Vasir. At least Garrus gave the information when it was useful, but I can tell he's frustrated that the warning is all he can offer for now. 

That doesn't mean I can't help myself, though. 

"What kind of guns does this thing have?" I ask. 

Liara looks at me. "It's a taxi, Shepard, not mine. It has a fare meter." 

"Oh, wonderful." 

Vasir leads me into another tunnel, and this time one of her friends gets in right behind me. I swing into oncoming traffic, ready to challenge the little bastard at my six, but the tension in the car skyrockets. 

"Truck," Liara breathes, white knuckling the dash. 

"I know," I assure her. I also don't move. Not yet. 

"Truck!" Garrus screams. 

"I know!" 

At the last minute, I swerve and force the car behind me to slam into the truck, which pretty much drives through the fancy ass skycar. "There we go!" I cheer, glancing into the rearview to bask in the explosion for a second. 

"Oh, for fuck's sake. You're enjoying this." 

Liara gapes at me, but I just laugh. Especially since I can hear the amusement in Garrus's voice. He might make fun of my driving, but he loves my spirit, and I'll take it. Besides, it's better than Liara practically shaking. 

"A head-on collision at these speeds," she mutters. 

"Yeah, I hear those can be bad for you," I quip. 

She scoffs at me, then screams, "Truck!" 

"Again?" I don't play games with this one, instead moving up next to Vasir the first chance I get. Of course, she plays petty and rams into us. I return the favor, then let her do it one more time before giving her a real hit. It does the trick, Vasir spinning in flames to crash on a nearby rooftop. 

I have to circle around, but we keep an eye on Vasir. She scrambles from the car, injured from the crash and bleeding from where I punched her in the face, but she still manages to kill a security mech before stumbling into the building. We land maybe a second after we land. 

"Watch out!" Liara points through the windshield toward the building. "They're dropping reinforcements to slow us down." 

Sure enough, a truck loaded with Shadow Broker agents in the bed lands right in front of the doors into the building. We jump out, and I quickly throw a grenade. They aren't my favorite tool, but we're in a hurry, and it does the trick to wipe out about half of them. We make quick work of the rest of them, but then another truck lands with even more. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" Garrus snaps, drawing my attention to where he's in cover a few feet away. He's glaring at Liara, his expression so furious that I'm surprised his rifle isn't aimed at her. "Don't you dare leave. You betrayed me once, Liara, I won't let it walk a second time." 

I realize then that Liara has been making her way toward the door. She was planning to get inside and leave the two of us out here for the fight while she chased Vasir. She was going to leave us behind and at risk again. 

Liara has the good sense to take him seriously, and she gets serious about the fight when more agents show up. Regardless of the person she's become - and I'm really not sure about that - Liara's combat skills have improved, and that's a huge benefit today. We get through all of the agents and then run at the entrance, the trucks still parked in our way. 

"Come on!" Liara calls, running ahead of us. "We can climb over to get to Vasir's car." 

"Just me, or does she state the obvious a lot these days?" I grumble to Garrus. He chuckles softly as we climb over the trunk and the bodies of agents to proceed into the building. 

I realize, of course, that Vasir is desperate to get away. But I did not expect to see that she'd walked in here and killed people. A lot of people. Shadow Broker agents probably helped, and all these innocent lives paid for it. We can't see any sign of Vasir immediately, but a voice does reach us. 

"Please, let me live," someone is crying. "Please, let me live. I'll do the mantras every week. I'll give to charity." 

We follow the voice and find an Asari who is barely wearing anything at all on the ground in a ball and shaking. I help her to her feet and guide her to the exit; she breaks for a run as soon as she can. 

Once she's gone, we proceed into a room where we can hear more voices. But these are live. Instead, there is a massive TV...which happens to be showing porn. I glance around at the room and find couches and a bed, as well as several dead men of various species and multiple dead Asari. 

"Okay, what kind of hotel is this?" I ask, wondering if someone is fucking with me. 

"Azure," Liara answers with a deep sigh. "It's a luxury resort with an...exotic edge. 'Azure' is slang for part of the Asari body in some areas of Illium." 

I might let that drop, but Liara's whole face is almost purple, and she can't look at me anymore, so I have to ask, "Where?"

"The lower reaches, near the bottom," Garrus answers for Liara, grinning like the cat who caught the canary. 

I roll my eyes at him. "I meant where on the Asari body." 

His grin grows, as does Liara's blush, and he replies, "So did I." 

A laugh explodes out of me, and Liara running from the room with some excuse about finding a trail only makes me laugh harder. Garrus looks damn proud of himself, and I shake my head at him, and we head out after Liara. We find her on the balcony with Vasir's car, still smoldering. "A blood trail," Liara tells us, pointing at the ground and very pointedly not looking at us. 

"That should slow her down," I note. We stay armed while following the blood around the balcony and toward another entrance into the building. 

"She's lost a lot of blood," Garrus says. "We have to be getting close." 

I shake my head, stepping around another blood pool. "She's tough, I'll give her that much." 

"She's a Spectre. I hear nearly-psychotic levels of stubbornness even while injured is part of the job requirement," he teases. I stick my tongue out at him as we reach the new door. 

We step into one of the nicest apartments I have ever seen. I take mental images and hope Garrus is filming so that I can keep this place as inspiration for our future home. It's empty at first glance, but we do a search just in case. On the balcony at the opposite side of the apartment, the bloody footsteps continue, and we pick up the trail. 

This time, they lead us into a restaurant. It's crowded, and Vasir is limping badly, so she's only halfway across it and somehow still unnoticed by the crowd and staff when we spot her. "Vasir!" Liara screams across the room. "It's over." 

So much for taking her down without a mess. 

In a flash, Tela dives at a nearby waitress and grabs the poor woman to hold her like a human shield while aiming her pistol at us. The other patrons finally notice what's going on and start screaming, running out of the room. 

"What's your name?" Vasir asks the waitress. 

"M...Mariana," she stammers, pale and obviously clammy even from a distance. 

"Mariana, you want to live, don't you?" Vasir motions toward us with her gun. "Tell those people that you want to live." 

Mariana whimpers and opens her eyes to look at us. Her wide, wet, terrified eyes break my heart. "Please..." 

"We'll get you out of here safely, Mariana," I promise. 

"Oh, that's good to hear," Vasir coos. "All you had to do was walk away." She moves the gun to press it directly against Mariana's temple again. "Now it gets ugly." 

"Please," Mariana sobs. "I have a son." 

"A son?" Vasir echoes, mocking her ton. "I hope he gets to see you again. I've heard losing a parent is just horrific for children. Scars them for life. You know something about that, don't you, Shepard." 

"I'm going to end you, Vasir," Liara snaps. 

"Not if I get to her first," Garrus chimes in. 

"It's okay," I assure them. "We'll handle it. The usual way." I catch Garrus's eyes, and then Liara's. They catch one another's eyes, then look back at me and nod. 

"You want Mariana's little boy to grow up without a mommy, Shepard?" Vasir demands. "Thermal clips on the ground now. Power cells, too." 

We do, the clips clattering to the floor. "It's okay, Mariana," Garrus says, his voice as soothing as he can make it. "You're gonna be alright." 

The moment she thinks we're all disarmed, Vasir throws Mariana aside. Liara uses the chance to shoot a biotic blast that launches Vasir's pistol across the room with a loud clattering of metal on stone. Vasir gives a battle cry and uses her one biotics to teleport herself across the room. She reappears with a gun, and that starts the action. 

Garrus moves first, aiming for Mariana and getting her out of the way before joining us. Vasir has impressive biotics, but most of her skills with it are too flashy to actually be effective. But she's backed up by rocket drones and agents from the Shadow Brokers. We don't give them an inch, using a combination of all our skills to take them down, and then finally get Vasir down too. 

Her barriers fall, and when she can't pull them back up, Vasir collapses to her hands and knees, bleeding heavily and panting. "Damn it!" 

We approach, still holding our weapons on her, as she collapses against the wall. I kick her gun aside, and Vasir doesn't even try to move when Liara moves in to take the data key back. Liara holds it up triumphantly. "This has what we need to find the Shadow Broker." 

"You're dead," Vasir growls, her voice raspy and breathy. She's obviously in a lot of pain. I don't have any effort to make her death less painful. "The Shadow Broker has been in power for decades. He's stronger than anything you've ever faced." 

Garrus laughs. "Did you forget who you were talking to?"

I flash him a grin but focus on Vasir. "Is that why you betrayed the Council to work for him?"

"You think I betrayed the Council? Like Saren?" That barb is directed at Garrus, and the laugh she tries to follow it up with is weak. "Go to hell! The broker's given me damn good intel over the years. Intel that saved lives and kept the Citadel safe. So if the Broker needs a few people to disappear, I'll pay that price without hesitation." 

"You crossed a line," I tell her, not about to let her get to me. "Spectres don't blow up building filled with innocent people for merc contracts!" 

Tela laughs again, still weak and raspy. "Sure we do. We get our hands dirty so the Council doesn't have to. The Councilors might complain about our methods to soothe their consciences, but they never look too closely. Besides, you're with Cerberus. You have any idea what your terrorist friends have done?"

It's a weak attempt from a dying woman grasping at straws. But that doesn't mean it doesn't twist my stomach. It doesn't mean I don't immediately think about Aratoht. "I know who they are and what they've done. It doesn't matter." 

"I think it does," she snaps. "Look in the mirror. Kidnapping kids for biotic death camps. Hell, your own unit on Akuze! And now you judge me? Go to hell." 

A bang makes me jump, and then Tela slumps, dead from the new hole in her forehead. "You first," Garrus tells her. "Tell Saren I say hi when you get there." 

Well. That's certainly one way.

We put our weapons away and go meet Liara inside. She's already playing the data, and we hear a badly morphed voice speaking as we approach. "Eliminate T'Soni and retrieve the data. Civilian casualties not a concern." 

She closes the data and turns back to us. I can't read her face well enough to figure out what's going through her mind. I can see the urgency in her eyes, though. "Vasir's dead," I offer, hoping that will settle her a little. 

"Thank you. I'm putting the data through to the Normandy's computer," Liara tells us. "We can be at the Shadow Broker's base in a few hours. He'll know about Vasir before long. If he decides to kill Feron..." 

I squeeze her shoulder. "We'll get Feron out of there alive, Liara. I promise." 

"I know. You're here to help. Just like always." She looks past me at Garrus and adds, "Even after everything...you're here." 

The words are kind, grateful...but she looks and sounds miserable about it. 

"That's...not a good thing?" I press. 

She takes a breath and turns away, pacing a few feet and wringing her hands. "When we first met on Therum, you saved me from the Geth. You fought a Krogan battlemaster while I cowered. Now you're doing it again. And I'm still leaning on you for help." 

"Liara...that's what friends do." 

I can feel Garrus stiffen, but he doesn't object. He doesn't say anything at all. It makes me dread the conversation we eventually have to have about Liara, especially since I didn't even mean for those words to come out. I didn't realize I still considered Liara a friend at all. And now I feel guilty about it. 

Liara seems to feel the tension, and she just gives me a small smile instead of pressing me about it. "I can get us there, based on Sekat's data. The Normandy's stealth drive will keep them from detecting us. The Shadow Broker's agents are still shooting their way through Illium. With luck, they won't notice we've left until it's too late." 

"Wow," Garrus scoffs. 

"Yeah, Liara, that's a little cold. They killed innocent people." 

She waves that off. "You know what I mean. Come on." 

Liara starts to walk away, but I catch her arm to stop her. "Do I? When I hit the ground back at the trade center, you went after Vasir without a backward glance." 

"A little fall wasn't going to kill you. I had to stay on Vasir, I had to stay rational, make the call. Like..." Her shoulders crumble. "Like I did with Sekat." 

She moves to a railing overlooking Illium, and I follow. "That's Vasir's fault, Liara. Not yours." 

"Sekat had no idea what the stakes were. I put him in harm's way to get the data I needed. I got him killed. And I'd do it again." She looks at me. "You would have been with the Collectors if I didn't. It was worth it. But from here on out, things will be simple. Get in, get Feron, get out." She turns away from the railing. "And kill anyone who tries to stop us. 

"That's it?" I ask, watching her. 

"That's it." And I can tell she means it, so I nod. 

"Sounds like a plan. Let's get back to the Normandy and get on the way to the Shadow Broker's base."


	46. Odd Bedfellows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early, just because! We're almost at the end of this portion of the adventure, but there is much, much more to come. Keep reading, keep commenting, keep enjoying!

"You mad at me?"

Shepard and I left Liara shortly after getting back on the ship. We're a few hours from the Shadow Broker's base, so Shepard said her plan was to take a nap and have dinner - both with me. But this question spews out of her the moment she sits on the bed, so I know she wanted the alone time for this. She's worried we're going to fight. 

I take a breath and sit down beside her on the bed. We were in this same spot when we first talked about Liara. We've switched roles somehow, since last time I was the one feeling guilty. 

"You called her your friend." 

"I did," she admits. "And I really don't know if I meant it or not. I wish I could tell you that I've totally cut her off, but the whole Normandy team went through a lot together. Plus, she got my body back safely, and part of me will always feel like I'm in debt to her." 

"Yeah, I feel the same." And feeling like I owe Liara now that I know the real her makes my stomach hurt. 

Shepard turns toward me, pulling my hand into her lap. "But Garrus, even if we still have a past, I don't want a future with Liara in our life. Because that's what it is - our life, not just mine or yours." 

My heart skips, but I have to shake my head. "I don't want you to lose Liara if she's important to you, Shepard. I don't want to take your friends away." 

"You're not. Liara hurt you, and that means she hurt me." She squeezes my hand. "We're a team, that's what it means. And I'm especially okay with it in this case because you're right." 

"I'll have you know I'm always right," I quip. Shepard rolls her eyes, and the next thing I know, a pillow is biotically launched from the headboard and into the back of my head. "Okay, stop training with those." I snag the pillow and whack her in the face with it, Shepard letting out a delighted squeal. I move to hit her again, but Shepard is fast and she grabs it, flipping backward on the mattress so I lose my hold. 

"You're in for it now." 

I let her get one more hit in before I get a pillow of my own and make her regret it. I can't remember the last time I laughed like a kid - or behaved like one - this way. But it's Shepard, and I can't be around Shepard without getting hot. Especially on our bed. So when Shepard comes in as close as she dares for a hit to my fringe, I grab her around the waist and tackle her back to the mattress. 

The little squeal she lets out sends joy surging through my heart. I love her like this, relaxed and happy and at peace. With me. With everything ahead of her, with everything on her shoulders, I'm proud to ease some of her stress even if it's just for a moment. 

Though I plan to give her more than a moment right now. 

Shepard catches on in a moment that the pillow fight is over and I'm interested in something much different. Fortunately, the arch in her spine when I run my tongue down her neck tells me that she's interested in the same thing. 

"How badly did you need that nap?"

In an instant, I'm flipped onto my back, suddenly the one who has been tackled instead of the tackler. I don't mind, especially not as Shepard whips her shirt off and throws it aside. "I need you." 

And that, I understand completely. Shepard and I are as close as I imagined it was possible to get to another person. Closer, even. We know everything about one another, we can read each other almost perfectly, we're intimate in every way. She's my best friend. But sometimes, I need to feel her to know that she's really here, that I really have her, that we're really okay. I'm sure a lot of it is because of our past; we lost one another more than once and in more than one way. Right now, Shepard needs me physically to know that she has me emotionally, to feel secure about us. And I'm more than happy to give. 

The intimacy and closeness that we have means that I can almost always tell what Shepard wants from me, too. I know when she needs it rougher or when she needs things soft, I know when she needs to be praised and when she wants to be degraded. It's the greatest joy of my life to give her everything she needs and wants, especially in bed. And right now, Shepard is feeling a little playful. 

Perfect. 

I glide my hand up her back, seeking the clasp to her bra. But I find none. It's not often I get stumped sexually, and I can't say I love it, but Shepard doesn't laugh at me. She just smirks playfully and pulls my hand to her front. This one clasps between her breasts in the front, and it makes for a fantastic release when it's unclasped. "Oh, I like this." 

"Thought you might," she replies, voice already a little husky. She bites her lips when I press my hands over her breasts and up to her shoulders, then slide the straps off of her and remove the garment. "I was thinking...would you mind if I try something new today?"

The question catches me a little off guard. Shepard is incredible in bed, even more now that she's confident in her sexuality and more willing to explore it. But that confidence is new and still building. It occurs to me that Shepard asking to try something new is a huge step for her, and I don't make any effort to hide or to temper the smile that spreads onto my face. 

"I'm so proud of you for even asking," I tell her, cupping her jaw in my hand gently. "You can try whatever you want, baby, I'm all yours."

She grins. "You trust me?"

"Completely."

I fucking love the way her eyes glitter when she's both turned on and happy.

Shepard scrambles off of me and then sets about getting me naked. She tears through my belt like an old pro, and I need only to lift my hips to let her strip them completely. She licks her lips at the sight of my erection, making it jump, and of course she giggles softly at that. She climbs back up me to get my shirt off and tosses it aside with my pants and shorts, taking a moment to look at her handiwork when I'm completely naked.

"I wanna tie up your hands," she blurts out in a rush like the idea just occurred to her. "Can I, sir?" 

If she hadn't asked, I might have rejected the idea. I don't get tied up often; I can count the number of times I've allowed it on one hand - and I have fewer fingers than Shepard. But I meant it when I said that I trust her completely, though, and Shepard knows that even if she's tying me up this time, only one of us is in a dominant position here. Besides, we both know that I can top from the bottom. 

"Go ahead. My cuffs are in my bedside table." 

She scrambles for them, a big smile stretching across her face, and comes back quickly. "I should make sure I know how to open these beforehand, huh?"

"There's a key on my Omni-Tool," I tell her with a laugh. "Do you think I'd use something on you that I was unsure would come back off, Shepard? Or let you use them on me?" 

"You get pretty crazy when I'm naked, I don't know," she teases. 

I roll my eyes at her and scoot up the bed far enough for her to connect my wrists to the headboard. She doesn't yank me down the same way I would to her, so I have more movement still than she usually does when she's tied up. I'm grateful for it, and before she pulls away, I give her a kiss as thanks. 

She sits between my legs, running her hands lightly over my thighs. I can tell she's nervous, so I stay quiet and wait. "Okay. I've been practicing my biotics, as you know. And Samara has been teaching me to use them, not just for battle but...softer." 

Her hands glow that uniquely biotic blue, and then she puts them down on my thighs. There's still a jolt still, but nothing like the spark I get from her during spanking or biting, and nothing like when I spar with Jack or Shepard. She's right, it's softer. 

And then instead of moving her hands, Shepard moves her biotics. That blue light licks up over my hips and to my waist, lapping at me with light sparks and heat and making my plates tingle and jump. It's not like tickling, more like a massage with some kind of electricity. Every surge of the biotics leaps to my cock, it becoming rock hard and throbbing almost painfully in seconds even though she's not touching it with hands or biotics. 

"Feel good?" she asks softly, focused on her hands but with her eyes darting to my cock. 

"Real good," I answer, breathless already. "It's intense; go slow." 

She nods and does, moving her biotic reach slowly down my abs and toward my groin. My hips leap off the bed without permission from me when the very first lap meets my dick. 

"Oh, shit, Shepard, slow," I warn, worried about exploding quickly but also about pain. Biotics are a weapon for a reason, and though I know Asari who practice this sort of sexual activity, Shepard is learning. I'm happy to be her test subject, but I don't want damage for either of us. 

"Okay, okay, okay." 

"You're nervous, my love, easy," I murmur, trying to ignore my own racing heart to settle her down. 

She takes a deep breath and nods slowly, gathering herself before pushing the biotics a little slower, a little lower. A deep moan escapes me when that hot electric pulse moves down to my quad, circling the base of my erection. She's got great control of where it moves even if she's still learning pressure. And shit this is good. 

"Fuck, yeah, baby." I stay more verbal even as I stay as still as possible because I know she needs the encouragement. And because I love the way she reacts to my voice. That reaction might not be the best thing right now though, as a tightening around the base of my cock comes suddenly. "Whoa, slow, Shepard."

"Sorry!" 

And then, whatever happens, a biotic spark shooks right up my dick, and stars explode behind my eyes with heat blasting down my spine before it even reaches the top. Vaguely, I hear myself growl and Shepard cry out and then feel my cum splash up onto my chest. 

"Oh God oh God oh God," Shepard is muttering as I come back to reality from the completely unexpected and not altogether enjoyable orgasm. It wasn't all unenjoyable either, of course - an orgasm is an orgasm. But Shepard is kneeling beside me now and holding my face in her hands, her own face full of worry. "I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? Are you okay?" 

"Not hurt," I assure her, panting. "I'm okay." 

"I'm so sorry, Garrus. I don't know what happened." 

I shake my head and catch her eye. "Shut up and kiss me." 

She smiles softly, still anxious, but leans in and meets my mouth. I catch her bottom lip with my teeth, and she relaxes a bit more, leaning into me and moaning softly. "You're not hurt?"

"I'm not hurt," I promise against her mouth. "Can't say I've cum that fast in a really long time, but I'd let you keep practicing that for sure. Happy to be experimented on if the worst outcome is surprise orgasms." 

Shepard rolls her eyes at me and reaches above my head to undo the handcuffs. "I could have hurt you!" 

"You'll get more control." I tilt my head forward and capture her nipple in my mouth, biting gently and making her jump. "I hate not being able to touch you, though." 

"Oh, now you know how I feel!" she teases. Unfortunately for her, she releases my hands at the same moment, and I yank her into my arms for a deep kiss. Shepard melts immediately, wrapping her arms around my neck and meeting my tongue eagerly. I guide her leg over me, she guides me inside her, and finally, our bodies join. "You're okay?" she asks, panting. 

"I'm inside the love of my life," I tell her, pressing my face into her throat and pulling her against my chest. "Nothing could be better." 

Of course, Shepard manages to make it better when she practically dances on my lap. Wanton and hot for me, her hips lift and churn, her back arches, her body squeezes mine hard. I cum for her again, responding to the demands of her body and mine, filling her body on instinct because she is my mate, my other half. And Shepard loses her mind for me, calling out my name and clinging to me. We come down together slowly, kissing and touching everywhere we both can reach. 

"Will you do me a favor?" Shepard nods, head heavy on my shoulder. "Don't take a shower. Stay like this, smelling like sweat and like me. I know you don't have or totally understand my territorial instincts, but I'd appreciate it." 

"You don't have to explain. I don't have those instincts, but I don't need to. I love you." 

I press my mouth to her head and hold on tight. "I love you, too. Are you gonna tell Samara about this little experiment?"

That gets her laughing, like I knew it would, and she pulls back enough to roll her eyes at me. "No! I don't need her to know about my failures."

"Hey, you stop that now. Shepard, not everything goes the way you expect or want it to the first time. I've definitely had accidents and made mistakes, and I promise Samara has over the course of centuries. And hey." She blinks at me, waiting. "There is no shame here. Ever. You understand me?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you." 

"Thank you for trusting me enough to try something new." 

She nods and kisses me again, all the tension gone. Definitely not how I saw this afternoon going, but I have zero complaints. And I have my girl smelling like me before we go take on one hell of a mission. It's an ego boost I'm not ashamed to have needed today. 

Now I'm ready to take on the Shadow Broker. 

*****

Liara joining the crew for dinner is heartbreakingly awkward. It's been really nice for me to bring people from the old Normandy and the new together. Tali, Garrus, Dr. Chakwas, and Joker fit in perfectly here. But everyone here knows enough about Liara and Garrus that they're...skeptical at best. It's a joy for me that they're so loyal to Garrus, but I don't like anyone from my crews feeling unwelcome. 

Fortunately, dinner is quick and we can move on. Which, in this case, involves getting into a shuttle and approaching the planet that the Shadow Broker's ship is orbiting. And it's one hell of a planet from what we can see on the shuttle. 

"Hagalaz," Liara explains, behind Garrus and I who are staring out the window like we're children watching something new and exciting. "The oceans boil during the day, then snap-freeze ten minutes after sundown." 

We're staring out at a massive lightning storm above a planet that looks like it might be nothing but storms. "The Shadow Broker lives in this?" I ask, shocked and a little disturbed by the idea. How badly do you want to hide if this is what you choose?

"His ship follows the sunset," Liara replies. "Completely undetectable in the storm, unless you know how to look." 

Garrus sits back in his seat and asks. "How do we get inside?"

"No chance the shuttle bay isn't locked down," I note. We're not dumb enough to try and end up with a stuck shuttle. 

"It's best to assume," Liara agrees. "We'll need to land on the ship and hunt for a hatch, but can't stay outside for long. There's constant lightning where the hot and cold air collide." 

The shuttle gets us down on the outside of the ship, letting us go in absolute chaos. It's a wild storm, winds blazing and lightning just as crazy as Liara warned. Worse, really, once you're standing inside it. It's pouring rain and it's humid as hell, so I don't know how Garrus's cold-blooded body will handle this either. 

"It's hard to pinpoint in this lightning, but I'm picking up signals from a communications array near the back of the ship. There's nothing below but maintenance equipment. We have to find an entrance near the back shielding."

Garrus and I both nod to her and then we set off, working our way across the ship while braving the storm. It's not exactly a comfortable trip, and it gets much once when the first of the maintenance drones spins around to shoot at us. 

"Why are the maintenance drones trying to kill us?" I demand, Garrus taking his tech skills out on the thing. 

"Probably assuming we're debris from the storm," Liara offers. 

Great. I love it here.

We get past the drones and approach some massive tube-like things, the lighting striking them like crazy. "Careful," Liara warns. "Those capacitors discharge built-up lighting." 

"And we have company," Garrus warns, motioning with his rifle toward a hatch before taking a shot that sends one agent down with a new hole in his head. 

"Hey, big guy, make all that lightning work for us, will ya?" 

Garrus looks at me but gets the idea quickly. We get under biotic shields and Garrus calls up an Overload that he nails the capacitors with. The huge burst of lightning takes out most of the agents and Loki mechs around it. Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to do that constantly, but it's useful when we can. 

For the rest of the agents and mechs we face, we take them out the traditional way. The wind picks up, and I manage to stay behind cover that protects me from the gusts, but Liara picks the wrong moment to move ahead. My stomach drops when I watch her start to blow toward the edge of the ship. If she falls - 

And then Garrus is there, grabbing hold of Liara and planting himself between her and the edge. He basically shoves her to a metal ledge that she can duck behind, then gets down behind her and covers her body with his so that he's taking the wind instead. She's safe. 

When the wind gust finally dies, I rush over to make sure they're both okay. Garrus steps away from her quickly, and Liara jumps to her feet, her chest heaving. "That was...by the Goddess," she gasps. "Thank you, Garrus." 

"Great work, big guy," I chime in, pounding his chest with the side of my fist. He just nods, and I know he doesn't want to dwell on it, so I push us forward. Liara opens her mouth to say more, but I shake my head to silence her, and she listens though I can tell she's not pleased about it. 

We move on, finally following the mechs that continue coming after us into a hatch that allows us into a mechanical outcove on the ship. It's a break from the storm if nothing else, but the room itself is a bit of a marvel. There is some kind of crazy contraption all along the wall, capturing the lighting. It's seriously impressive. 

"This ship is incredible," Liara breathes. "It must have taken decades to build in secret." 

"I wonder what happened to the contractors." 

Garrus gives me a look. "I think we can guess." But even he looks impressed and shakes his head as we walk through. "Navigating this storm is a brutal choice. If the ship's engines stop for even a moment..." 

"At least the Shadow Broker would go down with us." 

"Comforting," I quip. 

As we approach the door, Garrus checks out a mechanism near the wall. "Motion dampeners. I bet you can't even hear the storm inside the ship." 

Inevitably, we have to get back into the storm and back to the top of the ship where we continue fighting through Shadow Broker agents while looking for the actual way in. Some areas of the ship are at steep angles, and combined with the wind and rain, it isn't exactly an easy path. Plus the number of enemies really does drive the point home that this Shadow Broker has an army. 

"There!" Liara finally cries. "That hatch leads directly to the communication signal." 

"Go get us in, and we'll keep cover," I command. 

Liara nods and runs for the door which is down a short ramp. That lets us keep her in cover while Garrus and I stay at the top and keep watch, prepared for more attacks. "It's locked," she calls up to us. "Hang on. I've got a bypass shunt program that can crack it." 

"How long will that take?"

"I don't know, Shepard," she replies, her tone stressed. "I've never broker into the Shadow Broker's base before. Well...not this one anyway." 

Garrus and I hunker down in cover as more agents arrive, fortunately all of them coming from in front of us and in mostly manageable waves. But there are a lot of them, and this storm is wild, so I don't want to be here longer than usual. After several minutes without an update from Liara, I'm getting antsy. 

"Are you sure that shunt is working?" I call back to her.

"It's illegal even on Illium. It didn't come with a warranty." 

That's almost enough to make me glance back. "Where did you get that?"

"Akart," Garrus answers, tonelessly. I recognize the name as a member of his team, someone whose name is engraved on the visor he's wearing. Liara doesn't respond, and he didn't say it as a question, so I assume it's correct. 

And I know that's making things even harder for both of them. 

"Okay, well that at least means it was tested, right?" I ask. 

"Here comes more of them," Garrus responds as a non-response, even if he is right about more agents approaching. 

"Tell me you tested it!" 

"No time to talk," Liara calls, definitely snarking me and going to pay for it eventually. 

Garrus and I battling side by side is a joy, definitely enough to keep our morale up even during a mission as stressful as this one. I don't like knowing that he's getting cold in the wind, though. "You need to get warmed up, big guy?" I ask, daring a look while we have a moment between waves of agents. 

"Even if I didn't, I wouldn't say no to that, baby," he replies, voice in that low growl that gets me hot. I don't care that Liara can hear, I would say that in front of any other team member too, but I can feel her eyes on us for a moment. I'm almost grateful when more agents show up to distract everyone. 

"Their attacks are disorganized," Liara says, almost sounding disappointed. "They'd be more effective if they all attacked at once." 

"Hey, please don't give the mercs idea," I call back at her. 

As if on cue, another wave shows up to buffer the first, and then more. This is the largest wave of the agents we've faced. I consider giving Liara a concussive blast as punishment. 

"You just had to give them tactical advice," I grouse at her, no real heat in it and I'm sure she knows that. 

"But now there'll be fewer left to deal with inside," she chirps. 

Garrus barks out a laugh. "Keep dreaming, T'Soni." 

It catches me off guard because it's by far the closest to something friendly he has said to her since we started working together. I tell he realizes that as well, and his next few shots are probably a little more aggressive for it. I can't imagine how awkward that has to feel, still having instincts to be friendly and kind to someone he's known and trusted for so long while believing that he cannot. More than anything, I hate Liara for putting him in this position. 

Finally, the doors open, and we get through. Of course, we're greeted almost immediately by another squad of agents, and this one is in a narrow hallway. And one of them has a rocket launcher. 

"More of them?" Liara huffs. "How many guards does the Shadow Broker have?" 

"Told you," Garrus grumbles, still somewhat playful. And even if I do hate Liara for what she's done to him, I can't help having a little hope that there's a chance they can at least be civil someday. And I'm proud of Garrus; he's clearly putting out an effort when holding onto anger would be easier. 

As we push forward, a voice comes over the ship comms and says, "Hold our positions, no matter the cost." We have to assume that's the Shadow Broker, but voice is...odd. It's grating and rough and almost sounds falsified, but something in my gut says that we're in for a surprise. 

Liara has the ship layout, and we use that to direct us while pushing through the ship. Finally, Garrus breaks us into the prison block, and we find a Drell limp in a chair that he's chained to. 

"Feron!" Liara cries, running to the window overlooking that cell. 

The Drell lifts his head weakly, looking up at us. "Liara?" He looks bad, he sounds worse, and the surprise that anyone is here for him hurts my heart. This guy is in this position so that I could live. 

"Hold on! We're getting you out of here!" Liara rushes to the console. Feron protests, but not in time to stop her. The moment she touches a control, violent shocks rush through Feron, and he cries out in pain, back arching before it releases him and he collapses. 

Liara leaps back from the console, her hands shaking at her mouth as she whispers his name. 

"What the hell is the Shadow Broker trying to do to you?" I ask while Garrus moves to the console to take a look - hopefully more cautiously than Liara was about it. 

"The equipment is sensitive to tampering," Feron pants. "The chair plugs into the Broker's info network. You have to shut off the power. Pull me out now, and my brain cooks." 

"He's right; I can't do anything here," Garrus confirms. "I can’t shut it off from here either." 

"Do you know where we can cut power?" Liara asks Feron. He's certainly been here longer than any of us, so it's a good bet he's heard something.

Feron gives a huff. "It won't be easy. You'll have to go to central operations." 

I look at Garrus immediately, hearing what Feron didn't just say. The Shadow Broker is going to be in central operations. To turn off the power, we're going through the man himself. Whatever and whoever he may be. 

Garrus gives me a little shrug that I know means, 'Whatever it takes,' and I couldn't agree more. 

"What do you know about the Broker?" I ask, turning back to Feron. 

He casts a dark look at us. "He did this to me." 

"I was hoping you'd know who he is. Or at least what." 

"I never got a good look, but he's big. The guards are terrified of him." 

"Krogan?" Garrus asks. 

Feron shakes his head. "I don't know. But not everyone who visits his office comes back out." 

"Easy or not, we're all getting out of here," I tell Feron, leaving no room for doubt. I realize that he doesn't know me, but I don't like to be in debt. And I certainly don't like assholes like the Shadow Broker throwing his weight around to keep people enslaved and tortured. 

"Good," Feron whispers, his eyes closing for a moment. He recovers himself and says, "Central operations is down the hall. You know the Shadow Broker's waiting for you, right?"

I don't have to look to know that the rifle cocking behind me came from Garrus. "We're counting on it," he growls." 

"We'll be back for you, Feron," Liara promises. 

"I'll try not to go anywhere." 

We head the way he told us to go, all of us locked and loaded and tasting the end of this thing. We can hear the Shadow Broker barking out commands as his agents continue to pop up, and the frequency tells us that we're getting closer. He's getting anxious to meet us, and the feeling is mutual. 

The Shadow Broker has a lot of forces, and they're well equipped and well armed, but it's pretty obvious that they aren't used to having to protect the ship. I don't imagine many people have been here who weren't invited - or who left on their own without working for the Shadow Broker. This may be the Shadow Broker's home territory, but us being here has him at the disadvantage. 

Finally, we clear out the final agents and walk right into central operations - the Shadow Broker's office. 

It's cavernous, a huge open area leading toward a desk that is as hidden in shadow as I'd expect for someone with his moniker. The room is fairly unremarkable except for the ceiling which is another set of those capacitor things, I think. It looks like the ceiling is covered in lightning, and I have to give him points for achieving an ominous style. 

"Somehow still less subtle than our fish tank," Garrus mumbles at my side, eyes as bright as that lightning flashing up toward it. I force myself not to laugh; we're definitely going to fight with the Shadow Broker, but maybe I shouldn't insult him first. 

And as we get closer, the Shadow Broker not moving or speaking, just letting us approach, I come to realize just what that fight might mean. 

Behind the Shadow Broker is a massive bank of communications terminals. He can hear and see the whole galaxy from here. And somehow that massive bank looks downright small compared to the thing sitting in front of them. I have never seen anything like the Shadow Broker. 

His mouth is huge and has three points coming out from the center; even closed, I can see it's absolutely full of sharp teeth. He has multiple eyes set around that mouth, and his head extends back into two pieces of what I guess is a fringe. But none of that surprises me nearly as much as his size. He makes the biggest Krogan and Turians I've ever seen seem small by comparison; he could dwarf even Elcor. 

"Here for the drell?" The Shadow Broker is no longer using that distortion we heard on his voice before, but his voice is still extremely deep and gravelly. "Reckless. Even for you, Commander." 

"That bombing on Illium wasn't exactly subtle," I note, refusing to let fear or anxiety creep into my voice. This thing is terrifying, but I am not terrified. I'll do what my team needs me to do today. 

"Extreme, but necessary," he replies coolly. 

"No, it wasn't," Liara snaps. "And neither was caging Feron for two years!" I'm surprised that Liara doesn't sound scared. If anything, her voice suggests that she's pissed. I just hope she can use it for our benefit. 

The Shadow Broker turns his head slightly to set all of his eyes on Liara. "Dr. T'Soni. Your interference caused all of this. Feron betrayed me when he handed you Shepard's body. The Drell is simply paying the price." 

"Your allies are monsters," I remind him. "Someone was bound to come after you for working with the Collectors." 

"It was a mutually beneficial partnership," he replies. "And your arrival is convenient. The Collectors' offer still stands." 

Garrus growls in response to that. 

I keep my gun on the Shadow Broker, but I choose to look around instead of keeping my eyes on him constantly. I have a feeling someone like the Broker won't like that. "It'll be pretty hard to run a base this size with no crew." 

"They're replaceable," he growls. "Your arrival is barely an interruption. Enough talk. My operations are too crucial to be compromised by a traitor." 

"You're quite confident for someone with nowhere left to hide," Liara snarks. It's making me pretty proud of her, the way she's handling him. I dart a glance at Garrus and can see an impressed smirk on his face, too. 

"You travel with fascinating companions, Doctor," the Shadow Broker says, doing that cocky purr thing that super-villains always do. And he's definitely trying to get under Liara's skin. "It's good you brought Archangel." 

That gets him under my skin. 

"His bounty is still unclaimed," the Shadow Broker continues, now looking at Garrus. And his expression might be a smirk or a smile, but it's horrifying. "And that bounty is Garrus Vakarian's only worth in a long line of failures." 

Shit. The guy really must know a lot to know not only Garrus’s real identity but exactly how to hit home. It takes all of my strength to keep from reaching out to Garrus and comforting him. To the big guy's credit, he doesn't even flinch. 

That terrifying smile thing only grows. "It's pointless to challenge me, Asari. I know your every secret while you fumble in the dark." 

"Is that right?" Liara takes a step forward, still keeping close to us. She looks more pissed off now, and if that's because of the attack on Garrus, I have no problem with it. "You're a yahg, a pre-spaceflight species quarantined to their homeworld for massacring the Council's first contact teams. This base is older than your planet's discovery, which probably means you killed the original Shadow Broker sixty years ago, then took over. I'm guessing you were taken from your world by a trophy hunter who wanted a slave...or a pet. How am I doing?"

In an instant, the Shadow Broker is on his feet. And holy shit, he is massive. He's more than four times Garrus's height, easily, and probably four times as thick as even Grunt. In the same movement, he punches his desk to snap it in half - the metal just breaking like plywood - and then throws half of it at us. I dive to get Liara out of the way, tackling her, but a grunt from behind me sends my stomach into my boots. 

Garrus moved to protect me, then hesitated when I went for Liara, and it cost him. That thick metal desk hit him hard, and the force behind it sent him flying back probably a dozen feet. He's moving, but he's on the ground under the desk. And I have no opportunity to check on him with the yahg screaming and pulling out a huge gun. 

Liara and I get cover, shooting both to keep the Broker's focus off Garrus - who is still down - and to get at the man himself. But the impressive shield that he's pulled up is preventing absolutely any damage. Our bullets bounce right off the son of a bitch. 

"The shield's kinetically sensitive," Liara calls after trying a biotic hit that nearly comes back at us. "Energy and projectiles are bouncing off." 

"Shit. We're gonna have to do this the hard way." 

The idea of getting close to that thing at all is unnerving, but getting close enough to fight it with my fists? That feels even more reckless than my plans usually get. I'll do what I need to do, though. 

But before I need to do it - before I can even get on my feet and out from behind cover to do it - the piece of the desk that was on Garrus comes flying across the room. It hits the Shadow Broker in the back, so it gets through the shield, and it even makes him stumble. But not as hard as the three-hundred-pound Turian who follows it up. 

Garrus comes flying in fast and furious, all fists and feet and teeth. The Shadow Broker is shocked enough at first that he takes the first few hits without reacting, but then it's on, he and Garrus going hand to hand. 

And I hate it. 

"When his shields are down, you two better start shooting," Garrus calls to us, dodging a fist that's the twice size of his carapace and kicking the yahg in the back of its knee. 

"We're ready," I promise him. I get out my shotgun, slower shots but my most powerful weapon, and hold it with one hand so that I can use my other for biotics. Jack has been teaching me to use both simultaneously, and I haven't quite mastered it without exhaustion, but I'm more than willing to test myself for Garrus. 

Somehow, sheer tenacity and incredible willpower more than anything, Garrus actually gets the Shadow Broker's shields down. And we take advantage, Liara and I blasting the thing to hell while we have a chance. Then he even gets the shields down a second time. But right as the shield collapses this time, right as Garrus starts to move away for a break and to let us shoot, the Shadow Broker gets in a hard hit. Right to the already-injured side of Garrus's face. 

The Turian makes an excellent effort at staying on his feet, but I can tell he's seeing stars, and he stumbles to his knees. He's down and only a few feet from the Shadow Broker, who is still screaming in a rage. I have to get him out of there. 

"Keep firing!" I shout at Liara, already running for Garrus. I reach him, grip the back of his carapace, and don't stop, using my momentum to just drag Garrus along with me and out of reach. A stomp from the yahg makes the floor come right out from under my feet, and it takes my knee with it. The next step is hell, but I push through it and take several more. I will not abandon Garrus. 

I get Garrus behind the other half of the Broker's broken desk. He's still a little dazed, and his jaw is bleeding, which terrifies me considering I could see his jaw bone a few months ago, but he's alright for now. And since the Shadow Broker is focused on Liara shooting at him for the moment, I turn back to Liara. 

"We need a plan," I call to her. "This isn't gonna work for long, and I'm not sending Garrus back in against that thing." 

"No, don't," Liara agrees, panting a little. "Shepard...get the Broker into the middle of the room." 

She doesn't offer any other explanation, and I don't bother to ask. If she has a plan, I'm more than willing to give it a shot. 

I kneel to Garrus, forcing myself not to wince with my knee, and catch his eye. He nods, at least coherent, and then turns with me to use his rifle over the desk. Rapid shots at the back of the Shadow Broker send it into the middle of the room, like Liara asked. 

"There! Get down!" Even as she's shouting it, Liara is aiming her biotics at the ceiling, and now I see the plan. 

Garrus and I dive for each other at the same time, both moving to pull the other into safety and cover. We end up huddled behind the desk as huge flashes of lightning explode through the room. I grip his carapace, and Garrus's hand is firmly at the back of my head, clinging to each other as much as we can. He's strong but gentle, carefully protecting me. The man who just punched the Shadow Broker in the face is careful with me. 

"I love you." 

Garrus blinks up at me just as the lightning stops. He kisses me - quick but hard - instead of saying a word, and it's exactly what I need. 

We dare to peek over the desk when the power comes back on. Most of the ceiling is down, the Shadow Broker almost completely hidden under the damage. He's also not moving, some electricity still coursing through him. Liara did it, and considering she's on her knees and panting heavily, she paid a price for it just like Garrus and I did. 

"Everyone alive?" I call. 

I start to my feet only to have my knee almost take me back down. Garrus catches me and gives me a disapproving look. I gently catch some of the blood dripping from his face and show it to him on my glove in response, returning the look. He smirks but then winces and chooses just to nod, accepting both of our injuries, instead. 

Liara is climbing to her feet as well, already moving toward us. I follow her gaze back to the wall of communication terminals that seem to be coming back on with the power. Almost immediately, various voices from God knows where in the galaxy start coming in. 

"Shadow Broker, this is Operative Murat. We had a momentary connection failure. Can you confirm status?" 

"Operative Shora, requesting update. Are we still online?"

"Shadow Broker, I've lost our feed. We are online and awaiting instructions." 

I lean heavily against Garrus to take the weight off my knee, not quite sure how to deal with this. If we tell the network that the Shadow Broker is down, what happens? When was the last time the galaxy had to function without a Shadow Broker? Can it?

The chatter continues until it sounds like hundreds of voices. Garrus doesn't move either, apparently also at a loss, but Liara approaches the console. She pulls up a program that I can see will distort her voice, and then shocks the hell out of me. "This is the Shadow Broker. The situation is under control. We experienced a power fluctuation while upgrading hardware. It disrupted communications momentarily." 

Heavy footsteps draw my attention, and Garrus spins with his gun up while still holding me up against him. Fortunately, we both recognize Feron before shooting. He recognizes us after a beat too, and all weapons are lowered as he comes limping into the room, gaping at Liara. 

"However, we are back online," Liara continues. "Resume standard procedures. I want a status report on all operations within the next solar day. Shadow Broker out." 

"Goddess of oceans...it's you," Feron breathes. "You...how?"

Liara takes a breath, and I can see she's now realizing that this is happening. She made the choice when she had to but now she has to consider what it really means. And I don't think any of us can actually answer that. 

"Well, everyone who's ever seen him in person is dead or in this room, so..." 

"You're the new Shadow Broker," I finish. 

"Liara." She looks up at Garrus immediately, and his gaze is hard on her. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure it's a good idea?"

It's a good sign that he's trusting her to make the call and that he sounds more worried about her, about this, than anything else. A good sign for them to have something of a polite relationship in the future and that Garrus won't be trying to take down the new Shadow Broker. 

"It's either that or lose everything - his contacts, his trading sources. Those will really help us. With the Shadow Broker's information, I can give you..." Her voice cracks, and we watch her tremble. "I can..." 

Feron clears his throat. "I'll, uh...check the power systems." He limps back out of the room, reading accurately that Liara needs some space. I can tell Garrus wants to run too, but he doesn't leave my side. 

The moment Feron is out of the room, Liara covers her face and releases a heavy sob. It's that sob that says she was holding the weight of the universe on her shoulders. It's a feeling I know all too well, and I reach out a hand for her to hold in solidarity. 

"It's over," she whispers. "It's finally...for two years..." Liara takes a shaky breath, lifting her head and squeezing my hand. "I spent two years mourning you and Feron. And now I've got you both back." She looks up at Garrus. "I -" 

"Not now," Garrus breathes. "Right now, we're even. Let's just not." 

"Okay. Thank you." I barely hear it, but it's enough for them both at the moment. And it's not mine to be part of. Liara pulls it together and turns back to the terminals. "Let's see what we've got. No safeguards, no user restrictions. It's like he never anticipated anyone but himself being here. And it's all ours." 

Now she sounds like a kid in a candy shop. Jack in a sex shop. Joker with porn. Ew. 

I shake it off and ask, "What kind of information are we talking about?" 

"I'm not sure yet. I'll need to go through his files. I'll look for anything on the Collectors or the Reapers first and keep you updated." She takes a deep breath, less shaky now. "All I wanted was to rescue Feron, but...is it wrong that part of me wants this? With the Shadow Broker's network, I can help. Maybe I can turn this operation into something better." 

"Not that the bar was all that high, but I'm sure you'll do better work with it, Liara." 

She smiles and covers my hand on the desk. "Thank you. For everything." I know she's including Garrus, but she respects his request and doesn't look at him. The gratitude is palpable though. 

Liara welcomes us to reach out whenever we need something, and though none of us comments on whether or not we'll speak again - or why - I head out with Garrus feeling at least like it's been a productive day. We made a difference today. 

Garrus flies us on a shuttle back to the Normandy, and we make right for the Med Bay. I get a heating pad and some pain meds for my knee, he gets a couple stitches and a firm talking to for his face. After a shower, we collapse in bed, Monster already purring at our feet by the time we settle in. 

Garrus pulls my knee into perfect position over his hip and holds the heating pad in place for me. I keep an ice pack carefully on his jaw, my fingers caressing the back of his head just like his graze on the back of my knee. I can't help but smile, despite the pain and exhaustion and what could have been a disaster. "We make a perfect team, you know that, big guy?"

"I do know. And it's the greatest honor of my life, you know that, kid?"

He gets a kiss for that one. 

"No more punching yahg, though. I cannot believe you did that." 

"Are you pretending that you weren't preparing to do it yourself if I didn't?" he challenges, narrowing those impossibly blue eyes I can't lie to. He grins when I giggle, even though it makes him wince. "I have over a foot and a couple hundred pounds on you. I think the choice for who should have fought that thing was obvious." 

"Okay, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I've had enough of seeing damage to your face, thank you." 

Garrus chuckles softly through a yawn. "You care more about my body than my face anyway, and you know it." 

His yawn is contagious, and so is the laugh. "You're arm candy, Vakarian. Can't have you looking a mess. Even if the scars get me hot." 

"You are so weird. And I love it." 

Being weird evidently earns me a kiss, and we both linger. I don't resist when I feel sleep pulling me under. God knows we've earned it today, and it's nearly the middle of the night on the ship's cycle. Besides, Garrus really is the most comfortable bedmate I could possibly imagine. And Monster isn't so bad either, snuggled against the bottom of my feet. 

"Thank you for not pushing me with Liara," Garrus murmurs, surprising me when we're both mostly asleep. "I don't know what to say or feel about it all yet. But I had to thank you." 

"You never have to thank me. I'd do anything for you." 

"Including marry me with my face looking a mess." We both laugh, and that's the last bit of energy I have. Impossibly blue eyes are the last thing I see before we fall asleep in a galaxy with a brand new Shadow Broker and a chance at being something better. I never have any idea what to expect tomorrow these days, but I know who I have on my team. We'll handle whatever comes at us next the way we always do: together.


	47. Stretch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments feed the author's soul! <3

"How's that knee stretch?"

The sound that leaves my throat is barely human. It's not even Turian. And I can't find it within myself to care. 

"Oh...yeah, I'm feeling a stretch," I manage, panting shamelessly. 

"Yeah?" Garrus presses harder, my knee at my shoulder and his cock deep inside me. "Mmm look at you, all stretched out for me." 

"I, uh...oh. I don't think this is what Chakwas meant." 

Garrus chuckles and rolls his hips perfectly, that long cock hitting all my spots. "Are you complaining, my love? I could stop." 

"Oh, please don't." I'll beg if he needs me to; I'll do whatever he wants if he just keeps going. 

"That's my girl." 

Garrus - holding my knee carefully - pins my hip with his other hand and starts stroking steadily into me. His legs are together behind him, Garrus stretched out too, his hips pumping up and down with his shaft driving into me. The sniper's aim is flawless, his cock is exceptional, and it feels like it takes no time before I'm shattering underneath him. 

"Fuck, yeah," Garrus growls, stroking slowly through his own orgasm. "Spirits, Elle. Love cumming inside you." 

"Makes two of us." He grins, careful of the new but already healing injury on his face, and then kisses me while pulling out. It's hard not to flush when his eyes drop between my legs as he moves back and guides my leg down. He growls again, and I know it's at the sight of his seed inside me. And even though it makes me blush, I kind of love how territorial it feels. It's like he's marked me in a different way. 

And thinking about him marking me gets me hot all over again. 

I check behind him to make sure Monster isn't in the danger zone, and then take advantage of Garrus on his knees to shove him backward, pushing until he's flat on his back. He doesn't resist even a bit since I grip his cock immediately. I lay on my stomach between his legs and grin up at him. "Tell me what Turian marriage ceremonies are like. When will you mark me?" 

"Ah, fuck," he growls when I take his cock in my mouth, playfully mouthing the head. "As soon as I can, baby, Spirits." 

I reward him for that with a long lick, following one of the thick veins all the way up the shaft. He lifts himself up onto one elbow to watch, brushing my hair back and tugging my earlobe lightly. I keep my gaze on him and my mouth on his cock, rolling my tongue slowly around the head while he starts talking.

"No marking at the ceremony. It's...private. Mmm. We exchange vows and rings, there's a party...fuck. Alone, that night...we'll mark each other. Shit, Elle." He stops for breath, and I don't let up, sucking his thick head into my mouth and slurping eagerly. Noisily too, which is really a joy since I would have been too embarrassed for that before or with anyone else. "I'm gonna hold you down and take you from behind. Hard. As you cum, I'll mark you, and then I'll fill you. And then, baby, I'm gonna fuck you absolutely everywhere. I'll mark you every way I can that night." 

I moan, still just focusing on the head because it's so sensitive, and I know that'll drive him crazy. And it's working. 

"You'll mark me too, baby. I want you riding my cock when you do it." 

I pop my mouth off of him and start stroking hard and fast, all the way up and down his length. "You want my mark on you too, right?"

"Oh Spirits, yes," he pants. "I want the whole fucking galaxy to know. I'm yours, Elle, all yours. Ah...in your mouth, now." 

I recognize it as an order and obey it quickly, diving onto him. He shoves roughly into my throat and explodes with a satisfying roar, my heart skipping with joy at giving this to him. He slumps back as I swallow him, the growl slowly shifting into a purr in his chest. 

"Question," I tell him, licking him clean between words mostly to keep him hard. And because it's not often I get to be the one doing the teasing. "Marking happens when we cum. What if...we don't?" 

"Not a rule," he replies, voice heavy and lazy. Just the way I like it after a blow job. It's a good sign I've done well. "Some people don't. Asexuals still marry and mark. It's...tradition. Since females have to have an orgasm to get pregnant, the hope was that you're getting your mate pregnant while marking. Lesbian and gay couples still do it, too, as far as I know." 

"Wait. An orgasm from both Turians is required to get pregnant?" 

Garrus lifts his head to frown at me. "Is that not true for humans?"

"No," I laugh, "and if it were, we probably would have died out as a species. I know plenty of humans who never have vaginal orgasms; I didn't before you." I give his cock a final kiss before climbing up to rest on his chest. "I didn't honestly believe they were possible before you." 

"That...is sad." He collapses back again, and I just laugh, finding the right spot on his shoulder - the spot that's made for my head.

"You sound cocky, not sad." 

He laughs. "I just had the most beautiful, most powerful woman in the galaxy suck on my dick like it's her favorite dessert and tell me that I changed orgasms for her. I think I have a right to a few moments of cockiness." 

"Yeah, you really needed the ego stroke," I tease, poking him in the side. Garrus jumps and swats my ass as punishment before rolling and wrapping both arms around me, bringing me into his chest. My own personal bubble of peace and safety. 

And, as always, that bubble is almost instantly popped.

"Commander?" Joker calls over the comms. "Sorry for interrupting the morning delight, but Tali just went to have a chat with Legion. You'd better get down to the AI core before one of them breaks something." 

"Shit." This is not the sort of interruption I can ignore or delay on. Garrus knows that too, immediately releasing me and both of us moving. "I'm on it, Joker." 

Garrus meets me at the closet, and we dress quickly. I'd much prefer to be cleaned up before anyone gets near me after a romp with Garrus, but I don't have time. I'm not as worried about damage as Joker is; I'm worried that Tali needs support, and I need to be down there immediately to give it to her. 

"You think we should be worried that Joker knew we were having a morning delight?" Garrus muses, pulling on his armor. We skip our BDUs to save time but agree without needing to discuss it that we'll wear our armor just in case. Tali is not exactly low-risk if she decides to start shooting, and a Geth is about as unpredictable a shipmate as we can get. 

"I think we should be worried about a lot when it comes to Joker," I admit, only half joking. "He's a pervert, but he's harmless." 

"For what it's worth, he has not a single sexual thought about you. So, he's a pervert and he teases us, but I worry only because he's a spy." 

I laugh, finding that hard to argue with. Joker always seems to know what's going on around the ship - whether we want him to or not. Although, all things considered, I think he could guess that Garrus and I have morning delight regularly. "Joker is like a brother to me, and I know he feels the same." 

"Brother or not, I have dibs on Joker standing with me at our wedding. Don't even think about trying to steal him." 

"Wait, we're taking dibs already?! I get Tali." 

"I get Jack." 

"What?! That...shit, that actually seems fair." 

Garrus laughs and swoops down to kiss me quickly before we start moving for the door. Monster yowls and follows us eagerly, probably looking for second breakfast in Mess Hall. Tali adores the kitten, though, so if he's nearby for comfort, that's not going to be a bad bonus for us. 

"No weapon?" Garrus notes. It's a question, he's not judging or frustrated with me yet, just curious about the plan. 

"Oh, I have a weapon." He laughs at the look I give him but nods. He's got his rifle, just in case, and I'd rather believe I can set whatever has happened right without a weapon anyway. 

Everyone must know what's going on, because no one stops us on the way to the AI Core. Chakwas is outside the Med Bay, which is attached to the Core, and I'm grateful she's out of harm's way. Hawthorne and Matthews are standing just outside the AI Core doors, armed, but the doors are locked. 

"Tali locked herself in. With Legion," Matthews explains. 

"We'll take it from here guys, you're good," I assure them. They step back as we approach; I'm sure Garrus's rifle makes them feel better, too. "Tali?" I call through the door. "Tali, it's me and Garrus. Can you let us in?"

I'm aware Garrus can hack through the door, unless Tali makes a real effort to keep him out, but I don't want him to. And fortunately, I don't have to, Tali unlocking the door for us. We walk in to find Legion standing at the end of Tali's pistol. It's odd not being able to read the situation or emotions on either of their faces. 

"Shepard," Tali says, her voice unusually hard. "I'm glad you're here. I caught Legion scanning my Omni-Tool. It was going to send data about the flotilla back to the Geth!" 

Legion blinks his flashlight eye. "Creators performed weapons tests and were discussing plans to attack us. We believed it necessary to warn our people." 

"I won't let Legion endanger the Fleet!" Tali snaps, almost shouting. I know the Quarian well enough to know that it doesn't necessarily take a lot to get her temper going, but Tali this upset hurts my heart. "You can't let this happen, Shepard. I trust you, and I said I'd work with a Geth, but this is too much." 

I put up my hands. "You're both right. Tali, you know that your father was running brutal experiments on the Geth. If the subjects had been human, I'd damn well be telling the Alliance about it." 

"The Primarch would just order me to shoot you," Garrus adds. 

"I know," Tali sighs, a little of her steam let out. "But if the Geth find out - " 

"They'd attack," I agree. "Which would cause a war that would leave both the Geth and the Quarians vulnerable when the Reapers show up. Is that what you want, Legion?"

If I thought Geth could breathe, I'd say that Legion sighs in the exact same way Tali just did. 

"We believed it was necessary to relay the information," he says. 

"Sooner or later, you're both gonna have to stop fighting this war. Or we'll all end up paying for it." 

They both pause to look at me for what feels like forever. Garrus still and steady at my side, obviously confident since he hasn't lifted his rifle yet, makes me feel a little better. But I can't breathe until one of them speaks. And it's the Geth who makes the first effort, turning to face Tali. 

"To facilitate unit cohesion, we will not transmit data regarding Creator plans." 

Tali lowers her gun. "Thank you, Legion. I...understand your intention. What if I gave you some non-classified data to send?"

"We would be grateful." 

"So, we're all good here? That's it?" Garrus huffs playfully. "You ruin all the fun, Commander, I didn't get to shoot anyone." 

"I could still help with that," Tali quips at the Turian. 

"How about you help me with breakfast instead?" he offers, extending an arm for her to tuck inside. She doesn't resist, the two of them pausing only for Tali to squeeze my hand before they leave. I'll debrief with Legion, but knowing Tali is alright is what I need for relief. 

"Shepard-Commander," Legion says when we're alone. "We have completed our analysis of the Reaper's data core." 

Well, shit. Now I'm really glad I stayed. 

"Did you find anything useful?" 

He gives a weird sort of nod that makes me smile. He's picking up sentient habits. I'll have him eating peanut butter in no time...and then Garrus can clean out his gears. 

I have to hold my breath to keep from laughing at my own dumb joke. 

"We were sent to the Old Machine to preserve the Geth's future. We are prepared to reveal how." Legion pauses, I think for effect, and I let him have the moment. His dramatics will help him fit in on this team. "The heretics have developed a weapon to use against Geth. You would call it a 'virus.' It is stored on a data core provided by Sovereign. Over time, this virus will change us. Make us conclude that worshipping the Old Machines is correct." 

I nod to myself, trying to track his logic. "So, the virus would give all Geth the heretic's logic. And all Geth would then go to war with organics." 

"Yes." 

"Shit." 

He blinks at me but doesn't comment. I wonder how he interprets swearing. I don't ask though since he continues. 

"Geth believe all intelligent life should self-determinate. The heretics no longer share this belief. They judge that forcing an invalid conclusion on us is preferable to a continued schism." 

"But I thought Geth couldn't be hacked or get viruses? At least for more than a few seconds." 

"Altered programs are restored from archives, new installations are deleted. This heretic weapon introduces a subtle operating error in our most basic runtimes. The equivalent of your nervous systems. An equation with a result of 1.3382 returns as 1.3381. This changes the results of all higher processes. We will reach different conclusions."

I shake my head, trying to stop it from spinning. "I'm sorry, Legion, engineering is not my area of expertise. You...might be wasting your time trying to explain." 

"Shepard-Commander. We have already judged you are capable of more than most. The Old Machines have reached the same conclusion." He cocks his head. "We will explain if you prefer." 

"I...thank you, Legion. Who'd have thought a Geth could make me blush?" I appreciate that he doesn't respond to that. "So, the reason the heretics worship the Reapers is a...math error?" 

"It is difficult to express," he replies patiently. I sit on his bench, assuming this will take a while. He sits beside me. "Your brain exists as chemistry, electricity. Like AIs, you are shaped by both hardware and software. We are purely software. Mathematics. The heretics' conclusion is valid for them. Our conclusion is valid for us. Neither is an error. An analogy: heretics say one is less than two; Geth say two is less than three." 

"Okay." I don't get all of it, but that's enough. The big picture matters more for me anyway. "If it were released, how quickly would this virus spread through your people?"

"We are networked via FTL comm buoys. Most would change within a day. Isolated platforms would remain unaffected until they rejoin the network." 

"Shit." This time, he nods. "And you needed to go to the Reaper corpse to learn this?"

Another nod. "The heretics store the code in a quantum storage device Sovereign provided. To find and destroy the virus, we needed to understand its code and data storage structures." 

"And did you find out where this thing is?"

"The heretics' headquarters station, on the edge of the Terminus. We will provide coordinates. Normandy's stealth systems are necessary to safely approach." 

"Wait, Geth build stations in the Terminus? Where is this thing?"

"Between stars," he answers. "Organics have no cause to look there." 

"But why do they build stations outside Geth territory in the first place?" The same question so many ask about the humans who choose to live outside Alliance space, I'm sure. 

"The heretics seek improvement from the Old Machines. In exchange, they help them attack organics. We condemn these judgments." 

He never hesitates to answer. He doesn't pause to tell me about where the heretics are or their plans or anything about how the Geth function. And that builds a lot of confidence in me. I didn't doubt him before, but now I know I can trust him. Which means we have a mission. 

"What should be our plan once we get aboard?"

Now he pauses like he might be surprised I agree. But it only lasts a second, and then he's back on his game. "The Geth will disrupt their network. Prevent the station's defenses from focusing on us. The Reaper data core is physically isolated from the network. We will need to be escorted to it to access and destroy the data." 

"Makes sense. What defenses should we expect?" 

"In space, none. Within, mobile platforms of various configuration and non-sentient defense turrets. There may be billions of individual programs. Fortunately, most will be uploaded to the central computer. Only a few mobile platforms are maintained at any time. Others are manufactured when needed." 

"Okay, Legion. I'm not going to let the heretics brainwash you and your people - especially not to worship the Reapers." And if I can keep the Geth from being part of the war with the Reapers, all the better. "You have my word." 

The Geth sticks out his hand for me to accept and shake, and I take it quickly, firmly. He's a teammate, after all. 

"We will begin preparations," he says. 

"Give the coordinates to EDI; EDI, get them to Joker." I give Legion a final nod and then leave the AI Core, heading back into Mess Hall. It benefits me that the whole team is already gathered. Now I don't have to sound like I've lost my mind more than once when I tell them, "Guess where we're going?" 

*****

Shepard never stops surprising me. When I say that, I wish it was in more innocuous ways. I wish she surprised me like my friends have been surprised by their partners, with unwise purchases or even pregnancies. Shepard is the most surprising person I've ever known, but she surprises me in entirely unexpected ways. 

Such as going to a Geth base to wipe out what amounts to a significant piece of the entire Geth population. 

She has one five-minute conversation with Legion, and now we're going to a Geth base. All of us. Although I guess that last part is a good surprise. It might even be Shepard showing some caution, but I'm not naive enough to start assuming that. 

The bonus is that EDI is going to give the IFF a final runthrough and install it for real while we're going. That means when we come back, we'll have taken a massive step closer to being ready for the Omega 4 Relay and putting an end to the Collectors - which of course has a bonus of getting in the way of yet another of the Reaper's plans. Shepard is really developing a knack for that. 

But still. Really? A Geth ship. Only Shepard. 

And only for Shepard. I would tell any other Commander to shove it, I would have quit this mission months ago - if not years, before we ever went to Ilos. I don't have any doubt the rest of the team would have done the same...with any other Commander. 

Only Shepard could walk her teams into seemingly suicidal missions. And only Shepard could bring us back. 

Damn, I'm a lucky man. 

And lucky me, I have a position on the ship that gives me an excuse to call our Commander away for a little private time before yet another deadly mission to give her a surprise of my own. Is it lying to tell Shepard I need to talk about a Thanix update? Yes. But sometimes lies are worth it. 

The moment the doors close behind Shepard, I use the console to lock them and use a preset hack to get around EDI and set the room to private mode without having to ask. EDI and I have come to an agreement about private mode, so I'm confident she won't question me or shut it off. 

"Did you call me in here to brag about your gun, Vakarian?" Shepard quips.

"Yes, ma'am. But not the gun you're thinking." 

I turn, and she's confused for maybe a second before a spark lights behind her bright green. 

"Hmm. Does that mean I get to play with the gun?" she cooes, walking closer to me with a swing in her hips that makes me wild. 

"It does. Wanna help me calibrate?" 

She barks at a laugh at that one and rolls her eyes. Pride swells in my chest at making her laugh so freely, especially when I'm just being silly. It makes me feel like she really likes me. And I'd like to show her how much I like her. 

I reach out to catch her hand and pull her up against my chest, Shepard coming willingly. She moves to wrap her arms around my neck but I catch them, hearing her heart skip when I trap both hands behind her instead. Her gasp when I push her to walk around the side of the Thanix makes me smile, and that only grows when I shove her up against the massive gun. 

I plant one hand on the gun and run the other lightly down Shepard's throat. "Two most powerful things on this ship. Both of 'em, mine." 

"Oh, yeah? Which one of us is more powerful?"

I laugh at the playful challenge and lean down to kiss her soft lips. "How about you shut up and let me make you cum?" I speak it against her lips and punctuate it by unsnapping her pants. And I take her whimper as consent. 

Her shirt comes off, and I replace it with my mouth and hands everywhere than I can. I let her keep her bra on but I grope her breasts over it, far too obsessed to ignore them completely. Her muscles jump as I kneel and bring my tongue and teeth to her waist. I love that she's sensitive here even if this area isn't nearly as erotic for humans as it is for Turians; I would hate knowing we don't both get pleasure out of something. 

Not that there's an inch of this woman that doesn't turn me on. 

Granted, the breathless way she says my name might be the biggest turn on. And I get plenty of that when I pull her pants off, guide one leg over my shoulder and slip her panties aside with one talon so that nothing stands between me and this gorgeous, perfectly wet woman. 

We aren't guaranteed a lot of alone time here, especially pre-mission, privacy mode or no. But at the moment, that just means I don't have to waste time to devour her. Shepard only barely manages not to scream, and I'm having trouble of my own not moaning and growling. I can fight that, but my erection is beyond my control, and it's not long before I need to release it from my pants. I stroke myself, content with my hand while I'm blessed with the incredible way this woman tastes. 

Shepard takes advantage of having no rules, holding my fringe for leverage and grinding her hips on my face. She rides my tongue, fingers teasing my fringe, and it's nearly as hot as her riding my dick. I let a growl rumble through me softly, knowing that she likes the way it feels against her, and Shepard throws her head back, biting her lip. She's close, and I take that signal to slip the fingers of my free hand inside her, focusing my tongue on her clit. A few strategic strokes from both, and she's shattering for me, that sweet flavor exploding on my tongue. 

My arousal is tied strongly to hers, so her orgasm makes my dick throb hard enough that I can't fight off a groan. I'm not complaining that she gets me hot, but having an erection in my pants and armor all the time is not the most enjoyable part of our relationship for me. It's entirely worth it, though. 

I kiss her hips softly while bringing her pants back to put them on. Mission accomplished, I hope I relieved some of her stress for the Geth base. We can worry about me later. 

Or at least that's my plan. Shepard has something else in mind, apparently, since she swats her pants away with her foot and tugs my fringe to make me look up at her. There's a twinge inside me when I look up this way, the move - and especially exposing my throat - very submissive and very much not me, but I trust Shepard enough that I can handle it. The way she's looking down at my cock is enough for me to know where I stand. 

"I want you," she pants. 

I surge to my feet, pulling her mouth to mine. She meets my tongue eagerly, tasting herself, and immediately grabs my cock with both hands. I set my hands at either side of her head and plant my feet firmly, nodding into our kiss to tell her to keep going with her hands. Shepard obeys, jerking me hard and fast, both fists sliding up and down my length. 

When I have to break our kiss to breathe, Shepard moves to kiss my throat, even though she needs to lean up on her toes to do it. "Like that?" she murmurs. 

"Mmm, just like that, baby." I reach blindly for a clean tray to my left and grab a towel that I shove into one of her hands, my rational mind aware that we don't have time for cleaning up. And Shepard doesn't miss a beat, those strong little hands pulling me right into a blissful oblivion that leaves my spine tingling. "Damn. Wasn't expecting that." 

She gapes up at me. "You called me in here!" 

"Well, yeah, but only to take care of you," I admit. I give her my best grin and tease, "I got hungry." 

"Jesus," she shivers. "We're not leaving here soon if you keep talking like that." She pops up onto her toes, stretching to kiss me. "And thank you for letting me take care of you, too. I don't give you nearly enough handjobs." 

"Oh, well, don't let me stop you." She laughs and pushes me back playfully, but I use the space to retrieve her pants. I take the towel from Shepard to clean myself up and can't help a laugh. "It's been a while since I came in a towel on this ship."

"Garrus! You've jerked off on the Normandy?"

I give her a dark look. "Are you gonna tell me you haven't masturbated on this ship, Shepard?" It brings an instant blush to her cheeks. "Exactly. And technically, I never jerked off on this Normandy; you've kept me busy. But on the last one, when I had a sexy Commander running around, teasing me? Come on." 

She laughs, but it's huskier than I expect, and I look up at her while fixing my pants around my steadily-softening erection. Her eyes are still firmly trained on it, though, despite the softening and the pants. The look on her face is going to change that softening real quick, though. 

"Oh, yeah?" I taunt her, Shepard's gaze flashing up to mine. "Like the thought of that, do you?" 

She bits her bottom lip and nods, eyes wide. Fuck, I want her on her knees. 

I move quickly again to pin her against the Thanix with my body. "Get us home quick. I need more of you." 

"Yes, sir." She smirks. "Get your armor on and gear up." 

"Yes, ma'am." We move toward each other at the same time for a forehead bump. Shepard kisses me, then tilts her head to let me nip her throat. 

And now I'm confident we can take on anything.

*****

When I was about fourteen, a neighbor's dog had puppies. Fourteen of the fuzzy little devils. I remember going over with Jake one afternoon and helping them wrangle up the dogs into a playpen. It was a disaster. We had to chase them around, and every time we got one into the pen, two more jumped out. We had a blast, of course - how could we not with puppies? - but it was an exhausting mess. 

I'm reminded of it now, watching the whole team get themselves ready to go in the Cargo Hold. 

And Garrus might be my biggest troublemaker. There was almost focus before he snapped Jacob's ass with a towel; it made me blush like a fool because I know from experience that he was holding back and can do some impressive things with impact, but it got the crew all riled up. As much as I want them to just get done, I can't help laughing when Garrus and Grunt play keepaway with a piece of Zaeed's armor. It surprises me that the grumpy old man who almost definitely hates me seems just as amused by their antics. 

"Vakarian, would you quit causing trouble and come with me?"

"Shepard, did you just hear yourself?" he counters, grinning lasciviously. I have to hide my face, the blush almost painful, as the crew roars their laughter. Garrus rescues me, though, coming over and sweeping me into a hug. "Sorry, Commander," he murmurs into my ear. "Someone got me all worked up before we got down here." 

"Oh, yeah, sure, blame me." He gets kissed for it anyway; I can't help myself. I manage to control my cheeks and my body enough to turn back to the crew. "Legion, come on up with us to the cockpit for approach. Everyone else...God, would you people get yourselves together?" They laugh because I do, but they do all continue getting geared up. "When I get back, we'll get in the shuttle and head out." 

I get a round of everyone's favorite version of 'yes ma'am' while heading for the elevator with Garrus and Legion. The Turian leans against the wall, one heavy boot propped behind him. He's a rock, constantly cool and soaked in the sort of charisma that makes other people want to know him, to be near him. On the other side of the elevator is Legion. Even for a machine, he seems stiff. 

"We scaring you off yet, Legion?" I ask, offering him a smile. I realize that he knows what a smile is and can look up what it means, but I wonder if he really understands the gesture. I would do it anyway, of course. He's part of the team. 

"Scared? No one has been aggressive." 

Garrus chuckles softly. "Humans really like idioms, Legion, they aren't literal. She wanted to know how you're settling in, if you're comfortable on the ship." 

"And don't worry because I used to confuse the hell out of Garrus, too." Garrus laughs, and Legion just blinks at us. 

"We are...comfortable. The crew has been accommodating. Kind." He cocks his head a little. "Creator-Tali does not trust us." 

I cock my head right back at him. "Do you trust Tali?" His silence is my answer, and I give him a nod with a laugh. "The whole universe has some stuff to work on, Legion; Geth and Quarians are no different. Being here is a start, and taking us to stop the heretics from helping the Reapers is a huge step." 

"We are glad you agreed to the mission," he replies. 

"Well. I trust you." The doors open, and I head out into the CIC to let Legion consider that. I hear Garrus pat his shoulder, and then he's at my side as we cross the bridge into the cockpit. 

"Perfect timing, Commander, we're on approach." And he's certainly right; I can see the Geth ship coming close through the window. That's more than a little unnerving; it's the kind of vulnerability I do not like. Joker turns around to look at Legion. "You know it's just our heat emissions that are hidden, right? They can look out a window and see us coming." 

"Windows are structural weaknesses; Geth do not have them," Legion responds. He has a point. "Approach the hull at these coordinates." 

Legion turns to a console to plug them in, and Joker faces his controls again, moving his mouth and arms like mimicking a robot. Until he sees the look I'm giving him. The pilot at least has the grace to look properly scolded. 

"Geez, Shep. You've already nailed the mom look." 

"Access achieved," Legion announces, saving Joker from response. "We may proceed." 

"Alright. Joker, you get us close. Let's get on a shuttle and get down there." I pat Joker's shoulder gently. "Legion said we probably won't have comm access or be able to reach EDI while we're in there, but you guys should just have the IFF to deal with. Good?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're fine," he growls, waving me away. 

"Yeah, yeah, see you soon." 

Moments later, we have the whole squad on a shuttle and flying for a Geth ship. Not something I ever thought I'd be doing. I can feel the tension among the squad but also the excitement; this is a team of adventurers as much as they are soldiers, and I adore that about them. Exploring new worlds has always been my most favorite part of my job, following closely by contact with new species. 

Although that might have snuck into first if more of my initial contacts went like the one with Garrus did. First Turian, and I fell in love. 

Almost like he can read my thoughts, but more likely because we're landing on an enemy ship, Garrus is right up against me when the shuttle lands. I get a moment to lean back against him, borrowing his strength and knowing that he's borrowing from mine. We're both going to need the strength and one another today. 

Legion leads us off the shuttle. Whether he would be as confident as he seems with a face that I could read, I'll never know, but I'm choosing to believe he really is that sure. Especially when he whips out some tool in his hand that burns through a metal wall. Apparently, this is our door. And apparently, I should bring Legion more often if we don't have time to hack through doors. 

He turns back to the squad for any of us steps inside. "This facility has little air or gravity. Geth require neither." 

"Yes, that's why I forced even the Turian and Krogan who complain about it into their helmets." I wish they could see me grin back at them, but something in their postures tell me that Garrus and Grunt know that I'm smiling. Back to Legion, I get serious and ask, "Won't we be detected? Don't they have intrusion alarms?"

Legion makes a motion like shaking his head. "Sensors have been reduced. We have infiltrated their wireless network and filled the data storage with random bits." 

"And...that helps us how?"

"The heretics must scrub this 'junk' data. They have partitioned themselves into local networks working in parallel. Any alarm we trigger will not go beyond the room we are in. Only accessing the main core will trigger a station-wide alert." 

Tali makes a soft noise. "That's brilliant." I can tell it costs her something to say it, so I give her a nod and hope she knows how proud I am of her. 

"Okay, so that's definitely going to benefit us. You all have a map of the ship on the Omni-Tools from Legion, right?" The team confirms. "We're going to split up. A small team will go with me and Legion, and we'll go to the core where Legion can access the virus. To reduce how much of a fight we face when we get there, I want two other teams to go room to room through the ship, taking out the heretics inside. We then meet in the core." 

Legion shows us the paths to take around the ship that will lead to the core while allowing us access to heretics along the way; we don't want to face the whole ship of heretics in that central core. 

I face the squad, running through my options for teams even while I start talking. I want my biotics, my gunners, and my technically astute team members divided evenly; I have to be aware of the guns they favor, the skills they use, and their personalities. That's honestly only a small reason why I get to know my teams so well but it is helpful. 

"Jacob, you're taking one squad. Let's say to the left?" He nods. "I want you with Miranda, Mordin, Thane, and Zaaed. Jack, you're heading up the second team. Grunt, Kasumi, and Samara will go with you. Tali and Garrus, you're with me and Legion. Everyone got it?"

I can see the disappointment and surprise on Miranda's face, but she doesn't say a word. Jack is the only one really staring at me, and I motion with my head for her to approach. Garrus catches my signal to stay while the others do one final check of maps and equipment prior to leaving. 

"What's wrong with you?" Garrus asks my favorite bald biotic before I can say a word. I'm inclined to trust his approach with Jack. "You leave your balls on the Normandy?"

"Fuck you," she snarks, a grin in her eyes. It fades quickly, and she looks at me before glancing back at her squad. "You sure about this, Shep? Nobody's ever exactly called me leadership material." 

"You've just never worked with anyone as smart as me," I quip. "I don't screw around with my teams, Jack, especially not when it comes to their safety. I wouldn't ask you to lead a squad if I was two hundred percent sure that you can handle it. But I need you to be sure, too." 

Jack and I have been working on her leadership skills since Horizon. Garrus suggested it originally, actually, and it was a great idea. She has a natural inclination for it simply because she refuses to follow, and she's charismatic as hell. Plus, she's talented as all fuck with biotics and her guns, and there is nothing soldiers respect more than someone who can hold their own. Jack has what it takes. But for all her bravado and mouth, Jack is one of the most insecure people I've ever known. Which is just another reason I want her to do this. 

"Look at me." Garrus doesn't touch her, maintaining Jack's privacy as much as possible. Jack looks up at him, almost like it's become instinct to her as well. "You got this. And if you don't, Miranda can lead your squad."

She kicks him in the shin for that, and he laughs it off. It works to relax her a little, though. And I'm certain that Garrus expressing his confidence in her makes as big if not a bigger difference than hearing me do the same. I'm her friend and her commander, but he's like a brother. Jack has always needed family. 

When Jack looks back at me, all of her uncertainty is gone. 

"Yeah, I got this." 

"Good." I clap her shoulder, knowing that she'll hate it if I make a big deal about it. I call to everyone, "We've got a job to do. Let's get to it." 

Jacob and Jack lead their teams in opposite directions. Garrus has Jack's team keyed into his comms, so he'll hear everything that they're saying at low level so it doesn't distract us. He's adorable, but he'll hate if I call him out on that just like Jack would, so I let it go. Once they're on the way, I motion for my team to start into the ship, but Legion stops us. 

"Shepard-Commander. We concluded that destruction of this station was the only resolution to the heretic question. There is now a second option." When I just blink, he takes it at a signal to continue. "The virus can be repurposed. If released into the station's network, the heretics will be rewritten to accept our truth." 

"Wait a minute!" Tali interjects, voice squeaky with her anxiety. "If we rewrite these Geth, they'll join the others. Legion's Geth will be stronger. Can we trust them not to attack us in the future?" 

There's no doubt in my mind that humans said the same about Turians after our war ended. Hell, there are some that still do - the same people that consider me a traitor. 

"Why did you mention this before, Legion?" Garrus asks. There's no anxiety in his voice, but he's definitely a little frustrated. 

"We did not know the virus was complete," he answers. "It is. It can be used against the true Geth at any time. Our arrival was timely." 

And now we have to choose between rewriting these Geth with the same vitus we're here to stop the heretics from using or we have to destroy these Geth - maybe needlessly. Neither sounds like a great choice without consequences. 

"Legion, these are your people. You must have an opinion." 

He shakes his head at me. "This is new data. We have not reached consensus. We would value your opinion." 

"Rewriting feels unethical," I admit, speaking from my gut. "I wouldn't brainwash an organic race; I can't see the Geth differently." 

"The question is irrelevant. If we do not rewrite them, we destroy them. That is why we are here." Legion steps a little closer, imploring me even without vocal tones. "Do not hesitate now. They will exterminate your species because their goes tell them go. You cannot negotiate with them. They do not share your remorse, pity, or fear." 

And yet I'll swear I saw both fear and remorse when Tali had a gun to Legion's head. 

I take a breath. "It should be your call, Legion. Let's just get to the core and then make a decision." Even as I say it, the options are weighing heavily on me. But I'll respect Legion for whatever he thinks is best. I really wish I had time to hash out all my thoughts on it with Garrus, though. I can't even see his face for a guess with his helmet on. I knew I was going to hate this mission. 

We move into the ship and then into the first room from Legion's map. There are pathways on the floor that give me flashbacks of David I really don't need to deal with right now. Garrus can anticipate that without seeing my face, and his hand lands on my shoulder. That helps. 

"Interrupting data streams will alert local networks. We recommend preemptive strikes against hard link routers." 

"We could sneak by...if we were boring." I laugh and nudge Garrus; we both know that's not going to happen. 

We move through the room carefully, avoiding the stream. Garrus alerts both the other teams for me that they have the same options. We have to take out the heretics and the hubs in each room anyway, but if we're careful, we can wait until we're ready. And in this case, that means taking cover while Garrus launches a strategic blast of overload at the hub. It instantly kills two of the three Geth attached, taking the hub out as well. The remaining Geth doesn't last long enough to raise his rifle before Legion puts a shot right through its flashlight. 

"Garrus...why is your overload better than mine?" Tali asks slowly. "You got illegal mods for that on Omega, didn't you?" 

"Excuse you, Tali'Zorah, are you insinuating that I need the black market to have better tech than you? How superior of you." 

His tone is light and teasing, and Tali knows better than to assume she could rile Garrus up that easily. Garrus, however, knows exactly how to get Tali going, and he's done it. She plants her hands on her hips and demands, "Just tell me. It's not like I'll turn you in." 

"Do you want the mods?" he asks.

"Of course not." 

"Then why do you want to know?"

"I..." Tali proceeds to stammer for a few seconds before stomping her boot. "Just tell me!" 

I shake my head sadly, knowing for sure that she just lost this battle. Garrus pats her shoulder and shakes his head before walking toward the hub where Legion is, leaving behind a frustrated Quarian. 

I pat her shoulder as well. "C'mon, Tali, you should know better. Give Garrus the advantage, and he'll never give it back to you." 

"I don't know how you deal with him all the time," she laughs, no heat. "He's impossible." 

"He is. He's also really hot, though." 

Tali laughs harder and shakes her head at me before turning to the hubs and getting distracted by the data collection. It's my turn to shake my head while I wait, realizing that I'm completely surrounded by dorks. 

"These hubs are built with resources that could be useful to our mission," Legions tells me. "It would be efficient to salvage the material as we proceed." 

"I let the nerds handle that stuff, Legion." Tali and Garrus both turn back and give me their species' versions of the middle finger. "Hey, Legion, why are all the heretics attached to these hubs?"  
Patient as ever with my technical ineptitude, he answers, "These are mobile platforms. Hardware. The crew is software. They are communing through the station's central computer." 

I recognize few of those words and open my mouth to answer him, but hesitate. I don't generally have a problem admitting what I don't know, but I'm standing in front of two of my most technically talented and mathematically minded members of my crew. Granted, they're also my best friends, and that's what lets me admit, "I'm not sure I follow." 

"The heretics connect to the main computer to exchange data memories and program updates," Legion explains. "We gain complexity by linking together. To be isolated within a single platform is to be reduced. Comprehend less. It is quieter." 

"If you exchange data - memories, how do you keep track of which ones are yours?" I ask. I motion to him. "How do you stay you?" 

"There is only 'we,'" he counters. "We were created to share data among ourselves. The difference between Geth is perspective. We are many eyes looking at the same things. One platform will see things another does not and will make different judgments." 

I almost wince. "I can see why you'd be conflicted about the heretics. In a way, whatever you do to them, you're doing to yourself."

"Yes. Once they return to us and upload their memories, we will share their experience of being altered." 

"Every other species I know of might be psychologically scarred by a traumatic experience like that." Tali looks at me but says nothing. 

"It is not clear if Geth can be 'traumatized.' We do not feel pain as you do. We cannot predict what the effects will be." 

I don't know if he thinks that will make me feel better, but it doesn't. 

"Let's keep moving." No one objects or hesitates, and we continue through the door in the room to the hall beyond. There are a couple rooms off the hall, but in the hall itself, we're stalled by a few defense turrets. 

"We can assume control of any defensive turret," Legion tells us. "They will assist us briefly, then self-destruct." 

"Good, do it." He nods and sets to work; it takes him less than a minute to confirm that all three turrets are ours and will fire at Geth with a signature other than his. It's useful since we don't get far down the hall before Geth start coming out of the one open room. The turrets do most of the work, taking them out. 

We find a couple more Geth hubs inside the room and decide to go at them simultaneously; Tali comes with me to one, and Garrus is with Legion at the other. On my count, Tali and Garrus hit their respective hubs at the same moment. We take out the attached Geth, and more pour into the room, but we win the battle without any major issue. I confirm that Jack and Joker's teams are doing just as well while Garrus, Legion, and Tali do that salvaging thing they all enjoy so much. 

We fight through a few more halls and rooms, taking Geth out on the way, before arriving on a large platform that surrounds a central room. Legion hacks the rocket drones in that central area, and that makes it easier to take out the Geth that come into the room from either side. 

A ramp leads us down several levels. I'm relieved when Tali admits that the layout of this ship confuses her; it's easy to tell that this was not designed by organics. I'm sure Legion feels just as off-kilter on the Normandy. If that's a feeling Geth have, that is. 

At the bottom of the ramp is a long room. It has a window into another room that runs too far for us to see the entire thing. "This station is over fifteen kilometers long. That room may run the length of it," Legion says. 

"Shit. Can you imagine crewing a ship this size?" Garrus shakes his head, proving I'm not the only one blown away by the scope of this ship. It's fascinating. 

We leave through another door, and yet another level takes us - somehow - down more levels. It leads us onto a platform that has a datastream along the edge all the way down into a main room. There are two hubs in this room, so we split up the same way and handle it. 

"Nice shooting, Legion," I offer to the Geth. "You make the third sniper on our team, but maybe we only need two. How do you feel about changing weapons, big guy?"

"Keep it up, kid, I'll show you weapons." 

"Ew!" Tali chirps, throwing a bolt from one of the destroyed hubs at the Turian and then another at me for laughing. She misses both of us and I try not to make a comment about why she uses a shotgun instead of a sniper rifle, choosing to let it go for the sake of moving on. And because there's always more time to tease Tali. 

We clear the room and then move into a hallway. All along one side is a window into another set of rooms with weird systems lining either side. Again, it goes past where we can see. "What are these?" I ask Legion. 

"Processes. Each contains thousands of Geth."

I whistle. Considering the size of the room and the number of processors, if the Geth don't already outnumber organics in the Galaxy, they easily could. 

"Can they see us?" Tali asks. 

"They are no more aware of us than you are of cells in your bloodstream." 

"This isn't like the other hubs we've seen before, though," I note.

"No, this is a database. It contains a portion of the heretics' accumulated memories." Suddenly, Legion's head snaps up and he goes stiff - well, stiff than usual. Metal is always stiff. "Wait. We discovered copies of our current patrol routes in this database. This suggests the heretics have runtimes within our networks." 

"We wouldn't be here if the heretics wanted to be friends with the Geth," Garrus chimes in, frowning at Legion. "Why wouldn't they spy on you?" 

Legion turns away from the window, facing us. "You do not understand. Organics do not know each other's minds; Geth do. We are not suspicious. We accept each other. The heretics desired to leave. We understood their reasons. We allowed it. There was peace between us." 

"Legion...it couldn't have lasted forever," I tell him, trying to be gentle. This can't be an easy lesson. "You disagreed about what path your race should take." 

"Human history is a litany of bloodshed over differing ideals of rulership and afterlife. Geth have no such history. We shared consensus on such things." His head falls, and he shakes it slowly. "How could we have become so different? Why can we no longer understand each other? What did we do wrong?" 

I put my hand on his shoulder, just like I would touch any other member of the crew. It doesn't phase me that his body is metallic and cold; he needs comfort in this moment, and as his leader, it's my job to give it. "It's not your fault. When individuals are separated, they develop in different ways. When they get back together, they don't always get along." 

"If this is the individuality you value, we question your judgment." He manages a dry enough tone that we can't help but chuckle, even Tali. Well, a little. Legion shakes his head. "This topic is irrelevant. We must return to the mission." 

"Have you reached an opinion about whether to rewrite the heretics or not?" I ask, hopeful that he's considering everything he's learning and telling us today. Considering all the processing he does, I imagine he is. 

"We are still trying to build consensus. Some processes judge destruction preferable. Others rewrite." 

I nod. "Let's keep moving." 

We leave the hall through a set of doors at the end and proceed onto a large platforming that's overlooking a room with several data streams and a number of large turrets. There are stairs leading down into that room from either side of the platform we're on and doors at either side, too. Legion is drawn directly to a console in the middle of the platform, and I follow him there as Jacob and Jack's teams arrive almost simultaneously - and entirely safe.

I stand beside Legion. "This is it?"

"Yes. We will upload a copy of our runtime into the core. It will delete all copies of the virus. When complete, it will notify us." He starts to work immediately, the language on the console completely foreign to me and even to my Omni-Tool's translator; no organics have cracked Geth-speak. Except David. "The indexing operation will take time. The heretics will respond with force to our upload. We must hold this room." 

"Things you could have told us before," Garrus quips, no heat in it. It's not like we don't have a force in this room available to fight the heretics back. 

And I send that force to work. Legion hacks the rocket drones, and we cover the doors, the stairs, and the room below us. The fight comes quick and it comes hard; the heretics are even more aggressive than the Geth usually are during the fight, and I wonder if they know what we're really doing here. They seem desperate. But they're no match for us. I barely find the need to take more than a few shots. 

"They're good," Garrus notes, in cover right beside me. He's not firing at the moment either, letting the two other snipers on the team do his job for once. 

I nod. "They are good. Together and individually." I glance at him with a grin. "We might actually have a shot on the Collector Base." 

"We'd better have more than a shot," he chuckles. "Me and you have big things to do." I give him the sort of grin he's famous for and look him over head to toe. Garrus barks out a laugh and tugs me closer so he can bump me with his forehead, making my heart swell. I don't mind spending firefights like this at all. Maybe I should bring giant teams more often. 

As the fight starts to slow, Legion goes back to the terminal and calls for me, Garrus, and Tali. When we join him, he tells us, "Datamine and analysis complete, Shepard-Commander. It is time to choose. Do we rewrite the heretics or delete them?" 

I balk, nearly laughing at him. I might have some choice language for him if the whole team weren't watching at this point. "Why are you letting me make this decision, Legion? These are your people." 

"We are conflicted," he answers slowly, his tone almost definitely sad. "There is no consensus among our higher-order runtimes. Five hundred seventy-three favor rewrite; five hundred seventy-one favor destruction." 

"And you don't have trouble wiping out your own people?" I press him. 

Legion shakes his head. "Every sapient has the right to make their own decision. The heretics chose a path that prohibits coexistence." 

"What's to stop them from using the virus later to change themselves back if Shepard rewrites them?" Tali asks. It's an excellent question. 

"We will delete the virus after using it. We judge it too dangerous to allow its existence." 

I take a breath, feeling eyes and weight on me and not liking it very much. "I am really uncomfortable making this decision, Legion." 

"Shepard-Commander." He takes a step closer to me. "You have fought the heretics and the Old Machines. You have perspective we lack. The Geth grant their fate to you. We...trust you." 

Well, shit. 

Garrus takes my hand and pulls me toward him. Quickly, he tucks a curl behind my ear and tugs the lobe. It's an instant way to ground me, and my lungs expand on a deep breath. I look up into impossibly blue eyes, and the rest of the room fades away. "Talk me through it, kid," he commands softly. "Where are you at, what are you thinking?"

Right. Run it down with my right-hand guy, my best friend. Talk it through like I would anything else on any other mission, even if I hate it. 

"We're fighting for our lives right now against something that would enslave and indoctrinate us. The Reapers...what they want to do to us is basically rewriting us, isn't it?" He doesn't answer because he knows without having to be told that I don't want him to answer; I just need him to listen, and no one is better at that. "How can I do the same thing to another species? It would make me a hypocrite, it would make the Geth slavers."

But as much as I appreciate his listening skills, I trust his feedback and his opinions more than anyone's. More than my own, sometimes. Like Legion trying to get consensus, I need to know what my partner thinks. 

"What would you do?" I know he won't answer just to placate me, he respects me too much for that. 

"I'm with you," he answers firmly, quickly. "We're fighting for our right to die instead of handing over our freedom. The heretics put up their fight; we have to respect them enough to let them die instead of taking their choice." 

I narrow my eyes and tease, "You just had to say it better, huh?" He laughs, and I pound my fist on his chestplate. "Thanks, big guy. Legion...destroy the heretics. We're not going to rewrite them." 

"Acknowledged." He doesn't hesitate, gives no indication that he doesn't like the decision. That helps. Legion turns back to the console and gets to work. "Collapsing antimatter magnetic boiling mechanism. Done. Recommend withdrawal to shuttles." 

The station jolts violently, hard enough that I'd stumble if not for Garrus catching my elbow. "Legion...how quickly do we need to withdraw?" I demand, a sinking feeling setting into my gut.

"Three minutes."

"It took us almost an hour to get here," Garrus notes, a little bit of a growl creeping into his voice.

"Someone should teach him about the right time to tell us things," Jacob snarks.

I shake my head, already pointing toward the exit. "We'll teach him later. Everyone back to the shuttles - double time!"

The squad races back through the ship. Garrus, Tali, and Grunt take a lead and blast damn near every Geth right to pieces with their heaviest weapons. Jack, Samara, and Miranda add in their biotics to clear out wide swaths of the enemy and make sure we never have to slow. It gives me an opportunity to stick to the rear, making sure the entire team gets out ahead of me. I can see Garrus taking every opportunity to glance back, though, and something tells me I'll be getting spanked later. That'll be easily the best part of this day.

Jack starts blowing through walls when Legion warns that we're a minute from explosion, and just when this place is starting to look like Purgatory, we make it back to the already-running shuttle. It pulls away in time to give us a great view of the station exploding.

The team takes a moment to celebrate that, to congratulate one another and themselves for a job well done. Garrus doesn't miss an opportunity to pull me into his arms for a kiss, and I don't resist it. "How do I want you so badly even after all the times I've had you today?" he growls into my ear.

"When I find out what I'm doing right, believe me, I'll never stop." He kisses me once more, both of us smiling, and then I turn to Legion who seems entirely unbothered by what happened to the ship. "What happens to the Geth now?"

Before he can respond, the shuttle pilot whips around in his seat and shouts, "Commander! You have an emergency message from the Normandy."


	48. And Then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early because I love you.

"Everyone?" Miranda's accent is more grating than normal when she's yelling, and it's worse right now than ever because she's yelling at Joker. "You lost everyone and damn near the ship, too?" 

"I know, alright?" Joker snaps back at her. "I was here!" 

Jacob shakes his head. "It's not his fault, Miranda. None of us caught this." 

"The harmful data in the Collector drive was even more sophisticated than the block box Reaper viruses I was given," EDI chimes in. 

"Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again." I can hear the tension, the fear, in my own voice, but I can't help it. Garrus wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side, and I don't resist for a second. I need it. 

"EDI and I purged the system," Joker assures me, rubbing his eyes with one hand. I can see the physical and emotional toll this took on him, the bruises and the trembling and the pallor of his skin. Literally crawling through the ship while the Collectors murdered and took our crew? For the first time since we met, Joker looks broken and not just because his legs are at odd angles in his seat in the Comm Room. "For what it's worth, the Reaper IFF is online. We can go through the Omega 4 Relay whenever you want." 

"Don't even get me started about unshackling a damned AI," Miranda scoffs. 

I turn to start telling her off, but Joker is defensive and beats me to it. "What could I do against Collectors? Break my arm at them?" he demands, voice cracking. 

"That is enough," Garrus interjects, voice low and deep with a growl. It catches me off guard that he jumps in when usually the Turian is the perfect soldier. I can see Miranda startle as well, but she only needs a glance at him to decide she's not going to argue. I don't blame her; I've seen Garrus protective before, and it's nothing to mess around with. 

Garrus squeezes me and then steps away, kneeling in front of the pilot to get closer to eye level. I realize seeing it that Garrus always makes a point of sitting when he's with Joker, never asking the pilot to look up at him. He never asks Joker to submit. 

"You okay?" he asks. 

"I'm...yeah, I mean, I'm fine," Joker grumbles, clearly lying. At least Garrus used the same tone he would in the field; if I had to ask Joker that question right now, I would probably cry and embarrass the hell out of him. 

"I'll get your legs splinted as soon as we're done here. It won't be as good as what Chakwas can do, but it'll help some until we get her back." 

My heart stutters. It's special to see him so protective over someone else, to watch it from this perspective this time. And I don't worry about Garrus doing more damage to the pilot's fragile bones just because of his size; I've certainly got experience with the big guy being gentle.

"Will administer pain relievers," Mordin chimes in. "Well deserved." The Salarian who has a special forces reputation and is well respected as a total badass on this ship gives Joker a firm nod of approval and respect. He's staked his side in things against Miranda. Once again, she's put herself at odds with the crew by putting her foot in her mouth and her ego ahead of her good sense. And she had the nerve to wonder why I didn't give her one of the teams on the Geth ship. 

Joker seems a bit flustered, and he's definitely blushing, but I can see that he's grateful. "Yeah, painkillers would be nice, thanks." He glances quickly at Garrus but doesn't keep eye contact and then mumbles, "Thanks, buddy." 

Garrus just nods and pats his shoulder gently before standing again. I make a point of catching his gaze and giving a nod of approval of my own. I know he appreciates it even if he doesn't need it. 

"You should all be thanking EDI, by the way," Joker announces. "She cleared the ship." 

"I assure you that I am still bound by the protocols in my programming," EDI tells us calmly. "Even if I were not...you are my crewmates." 

It makes me smile even with the pain and fear in my chest, threatening to choke me. Joker praising the AI he's called cancer more than once is certainly worthy of a smile, too. "EDI, you have had plenty of opportunities to kill all of us and never took them. I trust you." 

Tali touches my arm. "Shepard, you've worked hard to get the upgrades that the Normandy needs. From an engineering perspective, we're ready to go after the Collectors whenever you decide we need to." 

"Offensively, we couldn't be better prepared," Jacob agrees. "Between the armory upgrades you and I put together and all the work Vakarian has done on the Thanix, this baby packs a serious punch to her now." 

"And the squad is ready," Garrus adds, his tone allowing for no uncertainty. "We're all with you." 

My heart rocks when the whole room agrees. And Garrus is in the middle of them, the literal beacon for me, the beam holding it all up. Right now, he's standing tall and firm, arms crossed. There's no doubt in his eyes, and that's what I need to see. 

Especially because even if we weren't ready right now, there would be only one way forward.

"We have to try and save our crew," I tell them. "We're going to the Omega 4 Relay and the Collector Base immediately." 

Zaeed outright cheers, probably more for the prospect of violence than anything else. A couple others clap or fist pump, Jack and Jacob high five with their jaws set firm. They're as ready as I am. We're doing this. 

"Course plotted for the Omega 4 Relay," EDI tells me. "ETA is about two hours." 

"Perfect. Everyone go gear up. Do what you need to do. We bring our crew home, and this ends today." 

The confident way that the crew confirms my command and then scatters off to their respective places around the ship makes me feel a little better. I ask Miranda to get the Illusive Man on the comms but I don't plan to start the call with him right away, wanting to make sure Garrus can get Joker to Med Bay safely.

"Can you walk?" Garrus asks. He waits until the room is clear of everyone else, and his tone is patient and kind without being patronizing. It strikes me that this is a huge part of his dominant personality and his skills in that arena, being able to anticipate and manage needs. We both know damn well how defensive Joker can be about his illness, and Garrus obviously doesn't want to make the guy feel worse. Love and affection swells in my chest as I watch him care for a good friend.

Joker, of course, growls in response. "As much as I'd like to tell you to fuck off and I'll get there on my own...no, I don't think I can walk." 

"I think I could probably manage carrying you easier than Shepard could. That okay with you?" Garrus checks. I definitely recognize this treatment, Garrus getting consent every step of the way. 

"We might make Shep jealous if you give me the full princess treatment," he quips. 

Garrus laughs, and I flip Joker off, which makes him laugh as well even though it looks painful. I hold my breath when Garrus steps closer to the pilot and lets the human brace himself on the chair. He tries his best to slide his arms under and around Joker's frail body without breaking or harming it. Joker groans in pain, and I wince in sympathy. 

"I know I'm not exactly soft, buddy, I'm sorry. I promise I'm doing my best," Garrus breathes, anxiety thick in his voice when he straightens slowly to lift Joker into his chest. 

Joker pants heavily, the pain obviously bad enough to take his breath away, but he shakes his head firmly. "No, it's...it's okay. I'm good, I'm good. Okay. Let's go." 

Garrus moves with caution, turning sideways to leave the Comm Room so that Joker's legs and head are nowhere near the bulkhead. Joker doesn't make eye contact, mostly because his eyes are shut while he grimaces in pain, but Garrus catches my eye as he passes. Garrus just shakes his head a little to blow it off and even offers me a wink before continuing on his way to get our pilot battle ready. 

Once they disappear and the doors shut again, I accept the call with the Illusive Man. In classic douchebag form, he goes on and on about what a great opportunity this is and how the danger is well worth the risk. He tells me that I've put together a fine crew and that I'm a great leader - the leader humanity needs. He calls me a valuable asset, and I feel cheap, my stomach churning at the reminder that this man brought me back from the dead to use me. 

I tune out most of what he says because I just can't stand talking to him. I hate him, I hate everything he does and stands for, and I despise the fact that - at least for now - I have no choice but to check in with him. It makes me sick to owe him my life. 

It makes me sick to hear him call me a great leader right now, too. My team has been broken, our crew taken from us and slaughtered. Garrus, Grunt, and Thane did the horrible work of collecting bodies - bodies of our friends. And as their leader, every single death is on me. 

I consider doing rounds after ending the call with the Illusive Man as quickly as possible, but I don't have the emotional energy for it. And we only have two hours. I know where I need to spend that time if I'm going to be ready to go through the Omega 4 Relay, so I get into the elevator and hope Garrus is either already there or will be soon. 

My heart is heavy when I start at the empty spot on the CIC where Kelly Chambers should be playfully annoying me about emails until the doors shut. After how much of an ass I was to her in the pre-Garrus days, I never deserved her kindness. My mind whirls through everyone else the Collectors stole right out from under my nose. Hadley, Matthew, and Hawthorne were murdered, their blood smeared on the floor of the ship that they protected until their last moments. I wonder who they're gracing with those ever-present smiles in whatever life comes after this. 

Gardner was taken. He was the first member of the Cerberus crew to welcome the aliens, and his efforts to give all of us comfort after long missions never meant unnoticed. I hate thinking about how quiet Engineering must be right now without Ken and Gabby. I picture Ken taking bets on how long before we rescue them, and Gabby blushing when Garrus comes to her rescue. 

Dr. Chakwas is gone. That one is the hardest to take. The mental image of the gray-haired doctor being dragged off the ship she loves so much by one of those bug-like abominations makes me feel sick. Garrus asked her for a blessing to marry me because we're so close, because she's one of the closest things I have to a parent. My heart breaks to think that the Collectors may be hurting her. 

I have nothing but unknowns. Will we make it to the base in time, before they kill the rest of our crew? Will we even make it through the Omega 4 Relay? And even if we do get through and do rescue them, can we make it back?

With pain in my chest and anxiety making my head spin, I send up a silent prayer that Garrus will already be in our quarters when we get there. I heave out a sigh of relief when the doors open and he's standing near the edge of our bed. Right where I need him. 

For half a second, I fight the urge to rush across the room and into his arms, to where I'll be safe and feel alive. And then I stop fighting at the same time Garrus does, our bodies colliding into the middle of the room. I cling to him, throwing my arms around his neck, and Garrus pulls my legs around his hips immediately like he knows I'm ready to collapse. 

He moves for the couch, just a few steps away, and sits so my knees rest outside his hips. One hand shoves into my hair, and Garrus pulls my forehead to his where I can nuzzle him, my hands on his jaw. With his other arm firmly wrapped around me, he's created a bubble. A place in the universe where I can be safe from the monsters who just invaded our home and hurt our family. 

"You're trembling," he whispers. I only realize then that he's right, but we're both distracted by Monster making space for himself between us. It's welcome, his tiny but rapidly growling body warm and snuggly the moment I pull him against my chest. And his purr is enough like Garrus's that it's even more comforting than a sweet kitty purr would be anyway. Monster tucks under my chin, and Garrus leans around him to kiss my neck, up to my ear, and then my jaw softly. "I do not like competing with this little creature." 

"Hmm. Just wait 'til there's also a baby someday." 

Garrus snaps his head up and gives me a dark look that makes me laugh - really laugh, which I would have thought impossible a moment ago. "I will love our children more than anything in the galaxy...but not enough that I'd let them keep me from getting to your body." 

"You're an animal," I murmur against his mouth, instantly turned on both by his need for me and him talking about future children - children, multiple! Garrus meets my kiss, wet and almost rushed, and very hot. Monster has been around long enough to know that's his signal to get out of the way, and he only chirps his displeasure a little before going elsewhere. I don't worry about where, already far too distracted by Garrus's exceptional kissing skills. 

He threads both hands into my hair and tilts my head, holding me still and taking control of my mouth. His tongue moves in slow, almost lazy licks except that each one is perfectly tantalizing. He slides his tongue along my lower lip, then captures it between his teeth and tugs gently. It's enough to completely melt me, my entire body simultaneously charged and submitting to him. I need that desperately right now. 

"Wanted to taste these lips the first moment I saw you," he purrs, brushing his lips over mine. 

"You took to kissing lessons exceptionally," I manage, my voice absurdly wanton and husky. 

"I had a lot of incentive." He kisses me fully again, hard and demanding. "Most of that being that I am completely fucking crazy about you, Elle Shepard." 

He pulls my hand up between us, nipping my ring finger, then just above my engagement ring, and then licking a hot line over my palm. I have no idea how my palm turned into such an erotic spot, but damn he gets me hot. 

"You know what happens after we get back through the relay, right?" he breathes, a growl building in his chest while he pulls my arm to bring his mouth to my wrist. This is a spot he's taken advantage of before, his tongue on my pulse point somehow connected right to my clit. "We're gonna bring our crew home, shut the Collectors down...and then you're gonna meet my mom." 

My heart stops. It's not that I'd forgotten Garrus's mom started treatments on the Citadel, absolutely not. And I definitely haven't forgotten that we made plans to visit when our mission is over. But with everything that's happened very quickly since Castius Vakarian left the Normandy, it took a back burner. That, or I'm so terrified about meeting Garrus's mom that my mind put up a block. 

Garrus snaps me back out of my head with a sharp nip to the inside of my wrist. "I told you that because I'm excited about it, not to panic you. As far as I'm concerned," he licks to soothe the nip, "you're my family. And introducing you to the rest of my family..." Blue eyes blaze at me. "I can't wait." 

"I'm excited, too," I assure him. "And you know that you're my family. It means a lot to me that I could...you know, become part of yours." 

He kisses my lips again, softly. "We're gonna go rescue our family here, and then you're gonna be that much closer to being a Vakarian." He cocks his head. "Shepard-Vakarian? Just Shepard?"

"I should probably just change my first name to Shepard," I laugh. "And you're doing an excellent job of distracting me this evening, big guy." 

He offers me a sad smile. "You're onto me, kid. Usually a distraction is what you need. But you know I'm here to talk, too." 

"I know. I just..." Words fail me, and my head falls forward. 

"Hey now." I talon tips my chin back up, and impossibly blue eyes hold mine. "We both know I'd follow you to hell without question. But I have every confidence that you've prepared this team and this ship. You are going to bring all of us back through that relay. Okay?"

They're just words. Anyone else could say the same thing, I could have said those same words to myself. But for some reason, coming from Garrus, the confidence lifts a massive weight. It's like he can breathe right into my soul when even I can't. 

I capture his mouth this time, leaning heavily against him so that he can feel my breasts against his chest, which always makes him moan. I press closer, slipping one hand under his fringe to the soft spot there, and kiss his mandible softly before kissing the new bandage on the other side of his face. Against his lips, I whisper, "I know we're coming back. But I need to know that we've said everything we need to say to each other before we go." 

"Vows," he responds, punctuating it with a kiss. 

"Okay, other than those," I laugh softly. "Have we? Is there anything else you need to say? What do I still need to say?"

He chuckles a little and nips my bottom lip. "I can't answer that last one. After everything we've been through, all the mistakes we made, I think we both try to say things every day, not wait." He smiles. "You totally blindsided me the first time you told me you love me." 

"I could tell! And you're right, I couldn't stand the thought of not saying it right then and missing my chance." My heart swells and I kiss him again, then whisper, "But you've always given me more chances than I deserved."

"I've always known you're meant to be mine," he whispers right back, the heat of his breath making me shudder. "I couldn't have said what it was then, but I knew there was something special about that first night." 

I roll my eyes dramatically and tease, "They're just tits, Vakarian." 

"And they're fantastic, but we both know it was your ass that drew me in." We share a laugh and then another long kiss that lingers, then grows. I just can't seem to pull myself away, and Garrus doesn't seem to want to either. "We don't have much more than an hour," he breathes, breaking the kiss to lean down and kiss my throat. "If there is any chance this is our last hour, and if it's okay with you...I want to spend it buried inside you." 

The words alone are enough to get heat coursing through me. But after what we’ve been through...I need this. "I want that, yes. Garrus. please." 

He meets my lips again and stands smoothly, holding me in his arms. I wrap my legs tightly around his back while Garrus makes quick strides to the bed and lays me down under him, pressing that big body against me. We strip one another eagerly, the time ticking in our heads, but I'm still panting and hot and crazed by the time Garrus is sliding inside me. 

When our bodies finally meet, Garrus heaves out a heavy sigh into my through. I recognize it because it's the same way I sighed when I walked in here to find Garrus. It's the sigh of coming home, of recognizing safety and peace and the place where we belong. Knowing that I am that place for Garrus, in the most visceral sense, means everything to me. 

Everything I still need to say swells up inside me, but I can't find more words than, "I love you." 

"Oh, Elle," he moans. Garrus strokes slowly, capturing my hands to entwine our fingers above my head and pressing forehead against mine. "I could have a lifetime, and it wouldn't be enough to say everything. I love you so much." 

Instantly, my eyes sting with tears, and I tighten my legs around his back. "You will have a lifetime. We're not done, big guy, not by a long shot." 

"Damn right," he growls, going a little harder and squeezing my hands. "Can't wait to spend the rest of our lives worshipping you...this exceptional body, Spirits." He rolls his hips and releases one of my hands so that he can lift my breast and catch the nipple with his teeth. My back arches and a cry escapes me. "Let me hear you," he growls. "Don't hold back, baby, scream for me." 

It's not an order, but it doesn't have to be; Garrus is going to give me no choice. He scoops my leg over his elbow, then pulls it over his shoulder. His strong hands hold my thighs and that powerful cock pounds me, Garrus making long strokes so that he knows I'm feeling every thick inch. And every damn one of them is glorious. 

He gets me screaming, moaning, begging expertly, and he's just as vocal. Garrus growls filthy things at me, making sure I know exactly how sexy he finds me and how good I make him feel. He's constantly kissing, licking, or nipping me somewhere, keeping me on sensation overload. When he commands my orgasm, I shatter for him while he fills me with a roar. 

I love the way he cums, the growl and his entire body shuddering. His orgasms are intense and powerful, just like the man himself, but they're also extremely vulnerable. Garrus lets himself go for me when he cums, and I know that I'm privileged to see it. 

Now, eyes closed, Garrus drops his head to my chest and pants heavily. He's resting on me without letting his entire body weight down since he could crush me pretty easily. I'm not scared, though, and when I wrap my arms around him, he tilts his face toward mine. I kiss his head and face, loving the peaceful smile that slips onto his face. 

Much as I adore the color of his eyes, watching him keep them closed is pretty great, too. "You know, we were always told Turians never did that," I breathe. 

"Did what?"

"Close your eyes around non-Turians. Probably especially humans." 

His mandibles flicker with what I recognize as amusement. "That's mostly true. We don't like to be vulnerable." He nuzzles me a little. "I trust you." 

"I should hope so, considering what we're doing in..." I check my Omni-Tool. "Half an hour." 

"Too soon," he groans, tightening his arms around me. "Can't we just stay here forever and ignore the galaxy?" 

I take a deep breath, wishing I could give him another answer even while we both want to complete this mission more than ever. "Someday we will. Stick it out with me until then, okay?"

Garrus lifts his head, looking at me now. He smiles, then kisses me softly and presses his forehead against mine. "Our life together is worth the wait, kid." 

"And the Reapers are standing in the way of it. They really don't stand a chance." 

*****

"Approaching Omega 4 Relay," Joker announces. "Everyone stand by." 

Garrus's hand lands heavily on my shoulder. "It's been a long time coming, kid. Congratulations on getting us this far, Commander." 

"Thanks for being with me," I reply, leaning into him. "Let's make it happen, Joker." 

We approach the relay, easily the most ominous one I've ever seen, and the ship starts to vibrate with that familiar pressure. A roller coaster ride. 

"Reaper EFF activated," EDI tells us. "Signal acknowledged." 

"Shepard!" Tali cries over the comms. "The drive core just lit up like..." 

Jacob, who is helping in engineering since we're shorthanded, chimes in, "Like a Christmas tree!" 

"Drive core electrical charge at critical levels." 

"Rerouting!" Joker seems like he's trying to control more switching and signals and controls than he can all at once, and he's also managing our approach to the relay - which is happening very fast. And engineering is down two experts. Just before I can get worried, Garrus sits down in the navigator's seat, taking the console and lending a hand. It lets Joker guide us right through. 

"Thanks, big guy," Joker offers as Garrus stands and joins me again. 

"No problem." 

There's that moment of weightlessness, a stutter in my heart when I realize this is actually happening, and then EDI's voice warns, "Brace for deceleration." 

And EDI is not kidding. The moment we come through the relay, a piece of huge debris is barely a few feet in front of us. Oh, shit. 

"Oh, shit!" Joker cries, swerving around that piece and then weaving around another. There's no clear end in sight, a debris field surrounding us. If not for having one hell of a pilot, we wouldn't have made it more than just out of the relay, all that work for nothing. Instead, Joker pilots us expertly through until we have clearer skies. He slumps, dropping his head back into the seat. "Too close." 

"But impressive as hell," I assure him, patting his shoulder. 

I get a smile for that, but it fades quickly as we continue flying and get a look at our surroundings. This is basically a ship graveyard, vessels and chunks of what used to be vessels floating lifeless and wrecked everywhere. 

"These must be all the ships that tried to make it through the Omega 4 Relay," Joker mutters. 

"Some of these are...ancient," Garrus notes. He motions toward one of the more intact ships. "Turians haven't flown ships like that since before the Hierarchy existed. I saw one at a memorial site once." 

I shake my head but don't have a lot of time to take that in before EDI says, "I have detected an energy signature near the edge of the accretion disk." 

"Has to be the Collector base," I say, something that feels like both anxiety and excitement surging in my gut. Almost there. "Take us in for a closer look. Nice and easy." 

Joker flies us in steady. This place is creepy as hell, the entire atmosphere odd, but it seems fairly quiet. And of course the moment that thought occurs to me, EDI is delivering more news. 

"Careful, Jeff. We have company." 

"Jeff?" Garrus echoes with a grin even while we're all looking at the sensor for this company. "Shit, even I don't call him Jeff." 

"Shut up and I'm taking evasive maneuvers." I'm certain that Joker yanks the ship to port harder than he needs to so that Garrus will stumble, until we start getting fired at. Little bots are chasing us, and they're quick, keeping up with Joker pretty easily. "Now they're just pissing me off." 

A beam hits the ships, jolting us even though the shields don't take a hit. "Let's hope that new plating upgrade holds out," I mutter. 

"EDI, take these bastards out!" Joker calls, leaning forward a little. He and EDI go at it with our chasers, and we get a moment of peace when they're successful, before more pop up. "They want another round? Come on, girl, let's give it to them!" 

Joker has to start flying more erratically, throwing us all over the place, and I'm grateful yet again that Garrus is so damn big. I can basically use him as an anchor and reduce how much I'm feeling or moving. 

"Alert," EDI announces, voice still completely calm. Obviously, since EDI is an AI. Still, inflection would be good. "Hull breach on the engineering deck." 

"It's in the Cargo Hold," Joker confirms. 

"We'll deal with the intruder. You get them off our tail." 

"Aye aye, Commander." 

I spin out of the cockpit, and Garrus follows without being asked or told. I call Zaeed on the way down, figuring he's nearby and always up for killing something. It ends up being a good call since few things shake him, and we end up fighting a huge machine with a powerful gun while Joker has to race back through the debris field to shake our tail. We have a ton of chop, and we're flying into things down here while EDI is giving warnings about the kinetic barriers that I do not like.

Finally, we take care of the machine - dead for good after two rounds - and Joker gets us through the debris field. It's instantly so much calmer that it feels like a vacuum. 

I slump against a crate for a moment of rest and call, "Damage report." 

"Kinetic barriers are thirty percent. No significant damage," EDI confirms. 

"Damn, Joker, nicely done." 

He scoffs over the comms. "I'm gonna go throw up. Take the helm, EDI, keep it slow. See if we can avoid any more attention."

"Oh, man. He's letting EDI use his first name and drive his ship," Garrus teases while we head for the elevator. "I think he hit his head during the attack." 

"Or he's thinking with a different head," I chime in. 

"How 'bout you two assholes just get back up here?" Joker snarks in response. We get to share a laugh on the way back up to him, which is needed since I'm not thrilled Miranda is in the cockpit when we return.   
We're crossing the bridge when she says, "There it is. The Collector Base." 

Sure enough, we're approaching what looks like a massive version of a Collector ship. Bigger than Sovereign, the thing is a planet unto itself. No wonder it manages to survive this close to a galactic core. 

And we're gonna take it down. 

"See if you can find a place to land without drawing attention," I tell Joker.

"Too late! Looks like they're sending an old friend out to greet us." 

From a port on the Collector base emerges one of the Collector ships - the same one that destroyed the first Normandy and killed me. There is not a single piece of me that feels fear looking at it now. Not this time. 

It starts to shoot at us almost immediately, that red beam I still see in my nightmares coming right at us. This time, however, they didn't sneak up on us. Prepared, Joker swerves right out of the way. 

"Give it the Thanix," Garrus growls, his voice deadly. He's staring down the thing that killed me, and he's in the same mental place I am. I remember his warning that he wasn't going to ask permission if he got to kill his thing, and I have no problem with that. Sometimes revenge does heal. 

"Hell yeah, Joker, show that bastard our new teeth." 

Joker was already on it at Garrus's command, so moments later, I get to see what Garrus has been working so hard on. The Thanix unleashes such a blast that it rocks the Normandy a little, like Joker wasn't prepared for the kickback. Our own beam slams into the Collector ship, an explosion coming with impact. 

"How do you like that, you sons of bitches?" Joker cries triumphantly. 

"Get in close and finish it off," I tell him. 

Joker nods. "Everyone hold on - gonna be a wild ride!" 

Joker has to continue avoiding the Collector beam while getting even closer to the thing and lining us up to take aim. He's really getting a chance to show off here. For all the shit we give him - and that he gives us - I'd never want a different pilot. 

"Give 'em hell, girl!" 

Another shot from the Thanix, and a weight lifts from my chest as the Collector ship blows. From the comms, the entire team chimes in cheering, and Garrus grasps my hand. They can die. 

But the celebration is cut short when that explosion is rushing toward us. We're close enough - to close - that the blowback comes at the Normandy with force, and I'm thrown right into Garrus's hard body. 

Alarms screech all over the ship, and for a moment, I wonder if I dreamed the Collector dying when really it's killing me all over again. Strong arms taking hold of me while the ship rattles and rolls bring me back to reality. Garrus wasn't there when I died, so this isn't my nightmare. 

"Mass effect field generators are offline," Joker says, frantic at the control. "EDI, give me something!" 

"Generators unresponsive," the AI replies. "All hands, brace for impact." 

Joker maneuvers us toward the Collector base, giving us somewhere to land as best he can, and we go at it hard. There's nothing to stop us except for impact. 

Garrus's arms come even more firmly around me. He spins me toward the wall of the cockpit and pins me there, holding onto a beam over my head for leverage and protecting me with his size. All I can do is brace and cling to him, lifting off my feet more than once while we crash land. Garrus never lets me go far, so while Miranda slams into the bulkhead and then the floor, I'm cushioned. As much as metal and muscle can actually cushion. 

Despite not falling, I'm still a little dazed when the dust settles, and I can tell Garrus is too, but we're steady enough. Joker is almost halfway out of his chair though and groaning, so we rush right to his side. 

"You alright?" I ask, each of us letting him use our arms to get himself upright again. 

"I think I broke a rib. Or all of them." He gets upright and can breathe though, and considering where we are and what just happened, I'm calling it a win. 

"Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash," EDI tells us while Garrus turns to give Miranda a hand off the floor. "Restoring operations will take time." 

Shit. 

"Well...we all knew this was likely a one-way trip," Miranda notes, steady now. 

No. 

I shake my head. "Our primary objective is to destroy the station and stop the Collectors - at any cost. But I have no intentions of throwing my life away. I have things to live for. We all do." 

Joker looks up at me. "So, what's next?"

"Is the ship safe here?" Garrus asks. "How long until the Collectors find our landing pad?"

"I do not detect an internal security network," EDI answers. "It is possible the Collectors did not expect anyone to reach the base." 

"If we're lucky," Joker adds, not sounding like he believes in luck at the moment, "their external sensors were hit like we were. They might not know we're alive." 

I nod and take a breath. "Okay. We're gonna get inside and do what we came to do. Joker, you and EDI do whatever you can and whatever you need to get this ship back online and flying. I have no intentions of staying here. Clear?"

"Aye, Commander," Joker answers, giving what might be the first genuine salute of his military career. "We got this." 

"I've never doubted you." I give him a final nod and then turn to the comms. "Everyone, get your gear and get to the Comm Room. Double-time." 

I let Miranda head that way first and then start across the bridge, Garrus at my side. We're going slower than double-time, but I need a minute. I know what I said, I know the orders I gave Joker, and I know I'm going to make it clear to the team that I plan to get home. But shit we just crashed down onto the Collector Base. 

"Where you at, kid?" Garrus breathes, his voice a low and calming rumble. 

"I am...trying to get as confident as I just sounded. Fake it 'til you make it, yeah?" 

He takes my hand and pulls me to stop. "Yeah. The reality of this whole thing just got a lot more...real." I almost manage to laugh at that. "Focused on the future though, right? That's what gets us through." 

Focusing on the future gives us something to fight for when the fight seems impossible, and something tells me that a lot of impossible fights are coming our way even after we make it back through the relay. 

"Right," I assure him with a nod. "Let's get this done." 

"On your six, Commander." 

I leave him into the Comm Room where the team has gathered. Their weapons are scattered across the table for final checks and loading. Garrus finds his place among them, his rifle and my pistol out on the table in a flash for a check. I look down at my holster and then up at him, finding blue eyes full of mirth. He winks, and my cheeks head instantly. Even here, he can make me smile. 

But here, there is not much to smile about at the moment. We have a huge mission ahead of us, and I have to be convincing that it's possible. 

"Okay." I plant my hands on the head of the table and take a breath. "This isn't how we planned this mission, but this is where we're at. We can't worry about what comes next. We came to stop the Collectors and that means coming up with a plan to take out this station. EDI, bring up your scans." 

A hologram of the Collector base, standing straight up, appears in the middle of the table. EDI has peeled layers away in some places so that we can see the inner workings, the paths. Our way through. 

"You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the main control center, here." She highlights a piece of the base and creates an arrow pointing to it. "That means going through the heart of the station, right past this massive energy signature." She highlights that as well. 

"That's the central chamber," I note, remembering the last Collector ship I was inside a little too vividly. "If our crew or any of the colonists are alive, the Collectors are probably holding them in there. 

"Looks like there are two main routes," Jacob observes. "Might be a good idea to split up and keep the Collectors off balance, then regroup in the central chamber." I like the idea immediately. 

"No good, both routes are blocked," Miranda tells us. "See those doors?" She points at the hologram. "The only way past is to have someone to open them from the other side." 

She already sounds frustrated, and I don't want anyone else to join her, so I quickly jump in. "This is not a fortress. There's got to be something." I run my eyes near the routes that EDI has highlighted, and for a moment, I think she missed one. Then I realize what I'm seeing and point. "Here. Maybe we can send someone in through the ventilation shaft." 

"Practically a suicide mission," Jacob notes, crossing his arms over his chest. "I volunteer." 

"I appreciate the thought, Jacob," Garrus chimes in, already shaking his head, "but you couldn't shut down the security systems in time. And there's no way I fit through a ventilation shaft. You need a tech expert, though." He looks at me, and I can read the suggestion though I don't completely need it. 

"Tali, you can hack through anything," I tell the Quarian. "I'm sending you into the shaft." 

She grows three inches right before my eyes. "I won't let you down, Shepard." 

"The rest of us will break into two teams and fight down each passage," I continue, feeling more confident by the moment. "That should draw the Collector's attention away from what Tali is doing." 

"I'll lead the second fire team, Shepard," Miranda announces, moving to stand at my side. She doesn't even look at me. "We'll meet up with you on the other side of the doors." 

Before I can scoff or laugh at her, Jack does. "Not so fast, cheerleader. Nobody wants to take orders from you." 

"This isn't a popularity contest!" Miranda snaps back. "Lives are at stake, and this won't be as simple as the Geth ship." 

She's right. Whoever is leading my second team is going to be up against formidable enemies while keeping their squad together, keeping morale up, and keeping three steps ahead. 

"Shepard." I look up at Samara. "You need someone who can command loyalty through experience." She says it softly, the way she speaks to me when she's trying to tell me that a personality flaw is keeping me from grasping a new biotic or meditation technique. Again, I can see the suggestion right there in her eyes. But this one is much harder to deal with. 

I look across the table at him, impossibly blue eyes already shining back at me. He knows, too. Garrus is the obvious choice and the best one. He's led full squads on high-risk missions, he has the loyalty of the crew, and I can be confident that he'll make the same calls that I would. But choosing him means being in there without him. 

And that's the choice I have to make for my crew, for my mission. 

"Vakarian, you'll lead the second team." 

"Aye, Commander." 

"Good luck, Vakarian," Miranda offers in the least sincere tone I have ever heard. She falters instantly when I turn to look at her. Now is not the time for petty bullshit.

Miranda quickly forgotten, I focus back on the whole crew. I'm not a big moment person, but they need to hear from me before we walk into hell. 

"I don't know what we're going to find in there, but we can assume it's not going to be easy. We've lost good people, and we may lose more. We don't know how many the Collectors have stolen - thousands, hundreds of thousands...it doesn't matter. What matters is this: not one more. It ends with us." I slam a hand down on the table, my heart racing. "The Collectors and Reapers want to know what we're made of? Let's show them. Let's bring our people home." 

A firm cheer goes up around the room, everyone grabbing their weapons. I take a breath as Miranda, who is standing closest, turns to me and holds out a hand. "You've done a hell of a job getting us here, Commander. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled it off." 

I accept her handshake. "Let's finish pulling before we call it down." That earns me a rare smile, and then she heads out. 

"Commander." Jacob is right behind her, smirking when I roll my eyes at his salute. "You know, I thought the project to bring you back was crazy. That many resources for one person..." He shakes his head. "Now I get it. Miri is right; no one else could have gotten us here. And you'll get us back, too." 

"You're a good man, Jacob." I shake his hand, too. "I'm glad you were chosen for the team. It's been great coming to trust you." 

I can see how much that means to him in the gleam of his eye, but he turns away quickly. Mordin takes his place almost instantly and only then do I realize that everyone is waiting around for their moment. Yikes.   
"Commander Shepard. Hell of a thing you've done. Will do much more." He smiles and bows his head. "Look forward to seeing it." 

"We would never have gotten this off the ground without you, Mordin," I remind him. "And that's not to mention everything else you've done."

"No need to mention. My pleasure." 

He leaves me with that and leaves me smiling, especially when I notice Garrus by the door having his own moment with Jacob. It looks like the crew is making their way to both of us. My smile falters a little when Zaeed swaggers up to me. 

"Well. You did it. You brought us right to hell's door." 

"And you were crazy enough to stick around for the ride. Let's hope you get to spend those credits." 

He gives me a scrutinizing look, and I'm expecting more snark or an insult. It's the only way Zaeed has communicated with me for the last few months, when he bothers to at all. Instead, he thrusts out a hand between us. 

"With you leading, I'm sure I'll be spending them soon." 

Shocked, it takes me a minute to accept his handshake, and neither of us lets it last long. Zaeed hates me, and I don't have any fondness for him. We're total opposites in all the ways that it matters - namely that I have morality. So from him, the show of faith and respect goes a long way. 

"Commander." I turn to Thane who, of course, snuck up on me. And then he bows, which only makes me blush. "You have allowed me to make the remainder of my life count. You have given me something I did not expect to find ever again: a family. I am honored to serve you." 

"Geez, Thane. I don't need to cry before we go in there, okay?" I grin at him and tease, "Besides, you're just trying to butter me up for a shot with Garrus." 

Thane laughs, such a rare sound that it catches the attention of everyone in the room, and when he opens his arms for a hug, I don't resist. He holds me for a long moment, his heartbeat steady and comforting, then releases me to bow again. "You make us proud, Shepard." 

He then steps aside, letting Samara approach me. I smile up at her. "Is there any kind of rule against bringing a Justicar on a suicide mission?"

"The rules are more like guidelines," she quips smoothly, sharing a laugh with me. Samara has become something of a biotic mentor to me, and her guidance in mindfulness and meditation have done wonders for me. I've come to admire her, so the look in her eye now surprises me. "It is not often that a Justicar finds someone not of our ranks who is as driven by justice and honor as you are, Shepard. I have learned much from you - as much as you think you've learned from me, I assure you." 

She hugs me, surprising me, and then releases me quickly before stepping away. I've learned that the Justicar does not like being praised or thanked; they want to feel as altruistic as possible. I can only hope I've made her feel welcome and appreciated. 

"Shep!" I startle at Jack's voice and turn around only to get shoved backward. "I should've gotten the hell off this ship and this crazy ass mission the first chance I got." And then the crazy biotic is yanking me into her arms for one of the tightest hugs I've ever had. "I'm kinda glad I didn't," she whispers.

And before I can even get my arms around her, she's gone. 

The smallest member of my crew is replaced by the largest, Grunt scooping me up for a hug from behind. "Hey, don't break me now," I tease him. "Especially since you're coming with me when we get in there." 

"Oh, great," he grumbles. "I get the speech from Vakarian about protecting you or dying at his hands." 

I turn when he puts me back down and balk up at the Krogan. "Does he really do that?!" 

Grunt just grins at me, the expression surprisingly sweet for someone built to be so menacing. "I was given one purpose in the tank, Shepard. You have made me rise above that. I couldn't have found a better Battle Master anywhere." 

"You only say that because you couldn't find better enemies anywhere," I tease him. He laughs and lets me pat his cheek. "You're a good man, Grunt. Just be your own man when we get out of here, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am." 

He's off, immediately aiming for Garrus, but I'm distracted from them but a familiar squeak. I turn just in time to catch Tali, and I sink into the hug, holding onto it and her. "Thank God you joined us, Tali. I needed you," I confess, something I've only said to one other person. 

Her arms tighten around me. "I'll always be at your side, Shepard. There is no one else I'd rather serve with. And I love you!" 

"I love you, too."

She steps back and holds my shoulders. "Just think. The next time we hug, it'll be when we're celebrating getting the whole crew back and the ship home safely." 

And she means it, too. I can see nothing but confidence on her face, and it spurs my own. We're ready for this. 

"Hey, you don't take any dumb risks in that shaft, Tali. I'm not leaving this base without you. Got me?"

"Got it. But the same goes for you." She pokes my chest and laughs, then hugs me again before scurrying off. 

I shake my head and circle the table to grab my pistol where Garrus left it, perfectly clean and loaded and ready to go. And it wasn't when Garrus took it off my hip. I'm a lucky Commander. 

I wait, giving Garrus a moment with Tali, and when she's gone, the air in the room sparks to life. Even the atmosphere in space recognizes our bond. Alone with the love of my life, with my other half, we take one final moment in the calm before the storm, and Garrus welcomes me into his arms. I close my eyes as our foreheads come together and inhale deeply, breathing in Garrus's scent and the peace he brings me. 

"You ready for this, big guy?" 

"You know I'm always ready, kid. You're gonna be careful when we're apart, right?"

I smile. "I will if you are." 

"Deal. Now kiss me and let's go kick ass." 

I don't hesitate to do either. 

*****

The whole team leaves the Normandy as one and we split into three as we enter the ship, Garrus taking most of the squad while Legion and Grunt come with me and Tali heads into the ventilation shafts.   
Fortunately, the Collector base is just like the ship we were on and has pretty much open entry. Cocky bastards don't expect anyone to get this close. 

"I'm inside the ventilation shaft," Tali confirms as we get inside. "It's hot in here, but clear as far as I can tell." 

"Good, keep me updated. Second team, are you in position?" 

"In position," Garrus answers, voice clear over the comms - much to my relief. It's bad enough that I can't see him and he's not on my squad at the moment; if I can't reach him at all, this is going to get ugly for me. And probably even uglier for Garrus if I know him. "We'll meet you on the other side of those doors." 

Locked and loaded, I lead Legion and Grunt into the base. It looks almost exactly like the other Collector ship and, in a weird way, I'm glad for that experience now. At least Garrus and I aren't completely thrown by the look and feel of the place while we lead the team through. Legion is unaffected in the way I would expect from an AI, and while Grunt mutters about the smell once or twice, he's on his game and ready to rock. And I know why Garrus didn't make any comment about my squad for the mission. 

In the first room we reach, we're attacked almost immediately. The Collectors were waiting and definitely know we're here, so I check in with Garrus to see if they're having the same experience. "We're taking heavy fire, but moving forward," he assures me. "You?" 

"Same," I answer, blowing the head off one of the Collectors with a shot that would make my sniper proud. "At least we know that means our plan worked and they're having to split their attention between us." 

"I'll keep you updated on us; I'm keeping my comms open too." It makes me smile even during this fight that he can anticipate I'll need regular updates on him. We never fight separately anymore; it just doesn't feel natural, but there's also a sense of vulnerability without him on my six. But I know that the majority of my team, those who aren't with me, are safe with him, and that means enough that I'll deal with feeling vulnerable. For now. 

As we clear the first room, Tali calls, "I'm stuck! Something's blocking the pipe. Can you find a ventilation pipe and clear it?" 

I spot what she's talking about, and I'm not far from it. "We have no ventilation pipes on this end," Garrus chimes in. "You got it, Shepard?"

"Yep." I head right for it and find the system simple to get through. Granted, a few months ago, it would have stumped me completely. And a few months ago, I never used my biotics. And a few months ago, I was heartbroken. Everything about my life has changed very quickly, and it's all come to a head here where I'm using every change to take down the biggest thing we've faced so far. 

"The gate is open," Tali confirms, relief in her voice. "Moving forward. Thanks, Shepard." 

We push into the ship, getting into firefights at just about every turn. Tali getting blocked regularly, too, but I'm not having any trouble finding the exchanges to let her through. We're making enough progress that while Tali gets hot at times, she's never at any real risk. And she never panics, which I'm grateful for. Garrus's team is progressing as well. It's all going as well as we could hope. 

We get into the largest room yet, the one right before the central chamber, and it ends up being our largest fight as well. While we fight, Garrus comes over the comms and tells me, "We're in position, just waiting for the doors to open." 

"We're getting there," I tell him. The moment the words are out, I regret them, wincing between shots. 

"You mean to say that my squad made it first, yes?" he taunts predictably. 

"You have the bigger team! And the bigger ego." 

Garrus laughs, and I roll my eyes even while joining him. It's a huge relief to hear that laughter when I can't see him in a place like this. 

Harbinger shows up, taking over a Collector or two, and makes an attempt at taunting me. I can't help but laugh. That damn thing can say that our efforts are futile all it wants; we've already done the impossible, and we certainly aren't backing down now. Plus, we've basically confirmed that the Reapers consider me personally a threat to them, and that ego stroke is doing a lot for me. 

Tali lets us know when she's through the doors, and I feel some relief knowing that she's letting Garrus's team through. Not long after, we get to the doors, but more Collectors show up behind us. 

"We're in position, taking fire. Tali, I need this door open now." 

"Tali, go!" Garrus orders. "We'll cover you." 

Legion and Grunt hunker down on either side of me. With the Collectors approaching from in front of us and the doors behind us, we're pinned down, and I hate it. Especially when Tali tells me that the doors are stuck. I trust her though, and it pays off when she gets the doors open just in time as Collector reinforcements arrive. The three of us are immediately joined by Garrus's squad, the Turian leading them in front of us so that we can get inside for cover and a breath or two. 

"Fall back!" I call to everyone once we're inside. 

The squad, still firing, starts moving backward into the room, Tali working on shutting the doors and getting us safely shut in. The doors that Garrus's team used to get in shut no problem, but the others stay open. "Something's wrong; the door is stuck!" the Quarian tells us. 

Garrus springs into action immediately, running to one side of the door. "Come on, Krogan, show me what you got!" he shouts. Grunt obeys, hurrying to the other side. The rest of us keep the Collectors at bay while the largest members of our team get the massive doors shut manually, complete with a good deal of groaning and grunting from both of them, though neither would admit that it's difficult. 

Once the doors are shut, I take stock. Everyone is in, no one is injured. That's a huge piece of this mission accomplished. 

"Nice work, everyone." I pound my fist on Garrus's chest. "Great job, Tali. I know you wouldn't let us down." 

"Shepard!" Miranda's tone of voice makes me spin around, gun raised and expecting an enemy. Instead, she's standing just inside the next room and not looking at us. "You need to see this. 

It's an unsettling and ominous thing to say, but I move to join her, knowing that the others are following me. Of all the crazy, horrible shit we've seen on our mission so far, the pods decorating the cavernous room are the first to take my breath away. 

And the familiar faces inside them don't help. 

The first pod along the wall has a familiar redhead with a bounce to her step inside, floating in some kind of odd liquid. I reach out and touch the pod, confused and feeling kind of sick. "Spirits," I hear Garrus breathe from beside me, staring through the front of another pod to where Dr. Chakwas floats. 

When Kelly Chambers suddenly surges to life in front of me, it's so unexpected that I jump. "Oh, God, they're alive," I gasp. The pod containing my yeoman makes a whirring noise as if something just clicked on, and then Kelly is thrashing, screaming silently inside it as the liquid around her starts to move. Red blood joins the swirl. "Fuck, get them out of there!" I shout, already pounding at the latch on the glass with the butt of my rifle. Thane appears beside me and starts to do the same. The latches pop, and we jump aside to let the glass fall, Kelly tumbling out unconscious again and directly into the Drell's waiting arms. 

I spin to find the others at work. Garrus taking a much more direct route and going directly through the glass to yank Dr. Chakwas out. I watch as she takes her first gasping breaths with my heart in my throat until she looks up and clearly recognizes the Turian, lifting her hand to touch his face. He murmurs something so softly I can't hear it and then bows his head to press his forehead against hers. 

All the remaining tanks are opening before God knows what happened, every single member of our crew now out and gasping for air in various stages of confusion. Kenneth throws up while Tali rubs his back, and Gabby tries her hardest to sit up and comfort Ken while Jacob tries to keep her down. Gardner is holding Jack's hand, and I think Samara is talking him down from a panic attack. Everyone is shaken up but out and at least alive. 

I turn back to Kelly, my own breaths coming in hard gusts from my lungs as the adrenaline eases a bit. Thane is kneeling and cradling her to his chest, Kelly breathing but still unconscious. She doesn't look good. She's in bad shape...they've all been through hell. 

And now it's time to make sure no one else has to go through this. 

Dr. Chakwas gets steady on her feet with Garrus's support and looks at me like she's seeing the sun for the first time. "Shepard, you...you came for us." 

I nearly laugh. "Of course we came for you! We couldn't let them have you." I take her hand and squeeze, hoping she understands just how much she means to me even if I can't say it out loud right now. The way she squeezes back tells me that she knows. Unfortunately, I have to keep us on track. "Any chance you know where we can find the missing colonists?" 

"The colonists, they were...processed," she answers, shaking her head with sad gray eyes. "Those swarms of little robots, they...melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped it through these tubes." I look down at Kelly, realizing she was seconds from having that happen to her. 

"Why are they doing this?" Miranda muses, looking around the room. "What are they doing with our genetic material?" 

"Many possibilities," Mordin responds, tapping his chin. "None of them good." 

"I'm just glad you got here before it happened to us," Gabby breathes, now on her feet. "A few more seconds, and..." 

Ken steadies himself enough to reach for her, pulling Gabby into an embrace where she lays her head on his chest. He presses his mouth to her head and they both close their eyes, clinging to one another. 

I know all too well everything that death can teach you not to take for granted. 

"We're glad too," I assure them all. Then I take a breath. "But we still have a job to do. Joker, can you get a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, Commander," he responds over the comms. "All those tubes lead into the main control room right above you. The route is blocked by a security door, but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in." 

"I cannot recommend that path," EDI chimes in. "Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect you against so many at once." 

"What about biotics?" I suggest. "Maybe we could use a biotic field to keep them from getting near us?" 

"Yes," Samara replies with a nod. "I think it may be possible. I wouldn't be able to protect everyone, but we might be able to get a small team through if they stay close." 

"I could do it too," Miranda announces, over eager. "In theory, any biotic could handle it." 

Jack says nothing, but I can feel her eyes on me. I know she wants the responsibility, and I know how much it will mean to her. I glance at Samara, and she nods which I take as acceptance. I'm not worried about Miranda's reaction. 

"Jack and I will take my squad and get us through the seeker swarms. Garrus, you'll lead the rest through this room and wait for us to open the security door. We'll meet you there." 

"Aye." I appreciate the confidence in his answer since I'm sending them into a firefight that will likely be bigger than the one my squad faces. That doesn't sit well with me, but I don't have a lot of options. 

"What about the rest of the crew, Shepard? We're in no shape to fight." Dr. Chakwas is now kneeling by Thane and Kelly, though I can tell the position causes her a great deal of pain. She turns to look up at me.   
"And Kelly needs immediate medical attention." 

Joker's voice cuts over the comms. "Commander, we have enough systems back online to do a pickup, but we'd need to land back from your position." 

"We cannot afford to go back, Shepard, not now!" Miranda screeches. 

"Damn it, Miranda - shut up!" Jacob snaps at her. I hear Jack snort her laughter. 

Thane clears his throat for my attention. "Forgive me, Shepard, but I would like to return with Miss Chambers." 

"I understand, and she's unlikely to get there on her own," I agree. "Mordin, I need you to lead the crew back to the Normandy. You can handle your own if they face resistance on the way, and since Chakwas needs care herself, you can start medical attention." 

"Yes, understood, Commander. Happy to." 

Dr. Chakwas pushes to her feet as the crew gathers around Mordin, Thane carrying Kelly in his arms with her head heavy against his shoulder. "Good luck, Shepard. We will see you all soon." 

"Yes, you will." I turn my back to those leaving us and face my crew. "Jack, Grunt, Legion - you're on me. Everyone else with Garrus. You have your assignments; let's move!" 

Part of me wants to take a moment with Garrus, to kiss him and tell him that I love him, but I know that we'll have another opportunity. More importantly, I know that our crew needs to believe that. So, instead, I catch his eye and toss him a wink. Garrus gives me his crooked smirk, my favorite smile, and we part. 

Jack puts up an impressive, large biotic shield as we head through the passage EGI told us about, and it's a good thing she does because the AI was right. We are completely surrounded by Seeker swarms.   
Unfortunately, we're also facing a good number of Collectors and husks, which is especially a problem because it takes a ton of energy to keep a shield of that size. 

"How's it hanging, Jack?" I ask the biotic. 

"We need to get there soon," she answers with a grunt, walking with her feet behind her hips like she's using her whole body to push the shield out. 

"I can see the doors, Jack, hold on - we're almost there!" We keep pushing, and for the last few meters, we run for the door. 

"Husks!" Grunt shouts, drawing my attention to a wave of enemies coming in front behind us. I need Legion or I to get to the terminal and open the doors, but there are enough husks coming that we can't afford to lose the firepower. 

Before I even have to come up with a plan, Jack plants her feet and lets out a roar. She blows her shield out in a blast, leveling every seeker, husk, and Collector in the way. Legion makes a dash for the terminal, opening the doors and giving us a moment to breathe. 

"You okay?" I demand of Jack once we're inside.

Static breaks over my comms, and I hear Garrus calling, "Repeat, Shepard, do you copy?" The swarms must have broken up our radio connection. Jacks nods to me while she catches her breath, but Garrus shouts, "Damn it, Shepard, do you copy?" 

"I copy. What's your position?" I'm trying not to panic. 

"We're just outside the door, and they've got us pinned down." He sounds exceptionally calm considering the situation and the fact that I can hear them all firing on the other end of the comm. 

"We're coming, hang on! Legion, the doors!" 

The Geth dashes to the terminal while Jack and I get set to provide cover the moment they open. The squad hurries back through the doors, all of them shooting at the rapidly advancing Collector group, and we manage to hold them back until Legion shuts the doors again. A quick glance around confirms everyone is here, and no one is injured. Success. 

"Couldn't reach you," Garrus mutters when I meet his eye. I can tell he's not pleased. 

"It must've been the swarms. You okay?"

He tucks a curl behind my ear and smiles softly. "I am now." 

My heart thumping, it takes all my self control to keep my focus. It's truly magic that he manages to distract me even here. 

"Joker, are you at the rendezvous point?" I ask over the comms. 

"I'm here, Commander. Mordin and the rest of the crew just showed up. Everyone made it safe." 

Yet another success. And a huge weight off my shoulders. I can see relief ripple through the rest of the crew as well; we've come this far and lost no one else to these bastards. We can do the rest of this. 

"Good. EDI, what's our next step?"

"There should be some platforms nearby that will take you to the main control console," EDI answers quickly. It's easy enough to recognize the sort of platform we got trapped on in the Collector ship turned trap, and they are nearby. "From there, you can overload the system and destroy the base. Shepard, I am detecting a massive energy signature near the main console. Resistance will be strong." 

"You've got another problem, Commander," Joker chimes in. "Hostiles massing just outside the door. Won't be long until they bust through." 

Garrus looks at me. "Take a team with you, everyone else can bunker down here and provide cover." It's a good idea. And it means that, from here, the crew will be on a straightaway to get safely back to the Normandy once we set a charge. I'm sure Garrus knows I'm thinking that as well. 

"If whatever is waiting for us is as big as EDI says, you're with me, big guy," I tell him. He nods firmly. "Jack and Miranda, you're coming too. Everyone else..." 

I turn to them and take a breath, feeling another big talk coming on. Gross. But if I've learned anything, it's to say the thing that needs to be said before it's too late. 

"There's just no way around this face: the galaxy is depending on us - on all of us. We've made it farther than anyone ever has before. We are the first to make it to the belly of the beast and fight back. The Collectors, the Reapers have always won before. They've never had to stand up and fight the very best, and I'll be damned if that's not you." They're getting riled up, adrenaline pumping again and showing in their eyes, the way they hold themselves and their weapons. "Make me proud. Make yourselves proud. And give 'em hell." 

I get a cheer, but it doesn't mean nearly as much as Garrus pressing his mouth to the top of my head, clearly unable to keep his distance in the moment. "Well said, kid." 

I don't resist either and grab his hand before giving one more order. "Let's finish this!" 

*****

The platform moves us deeper into the ship, heading up and in somehow faster than the Citadel elevators. I take a breath on the way. “So, this is it EDI? All tubes lead to this spot?”

“Yes,” the AI confirms. “The tubes are feeding into some kind of super-structure. It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures.”

Just as she’s telling us this, the platform reaches this end of a tunnel and connects to a series of other platform, effectively parking us in a large open area. The super-structure EDI has been referring to looms over us – and massive feels like an understatement. We all just stand there gawking at it for a moment, Garrus the first to gather himself and take a few exploratory steps ahead.

“If my calculations are correct,” EDI continues. “The structure is…a Reaper.” 

“Not just any reaper,” the Turian murmurs, shaking his head slowly. “It’s a human Reaper.” As much as I hate the words, it would be impossible to deny. The thing is absolutely huge, it’s head alone the size of half the Normandy. And it’s very clear human shaped, a mechanical skeleton.

“It appears the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans,” EDI says. “Significantly more will be required to complete the Reaper.”

That information is enough to snap me out of shock and get me bad into work mode. “This thing is way too big for our guns. EDI, give me a way to blow this thing to hell.”

“The large tubes injecting fluid are a structural link. Destroying them should cause the glass supports to collapse and cause the Reapers to fall.” She barely finishes telling us when Jack blasts her shotgun at one of the tubes, making the glass crack from the blow. I nod and we all open first on the tube, taking it out with a lot more ease than I would have imagined.

“That could have been worse,” Garrus muses, daring to stand near the edge and look down.

I smirk at him and get onto my radio. “Shepard to ground team. Status report.”

“Jacob here. We’re taking them out as they come but feel free to call for an exit anytime.”

“Head back to the Normandy. Joker, prep the engines. I’m about to overload this place and blow it sky high,” I tell them.

“Roger that, Commander.” I get to work pulling up the core of the ship so that I can set the charges and get my team the hell out of here. “Uh, Commander? You’re not going to like this, but I’ve got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI is patching him through.”

I roll my eyes and Miranda kneels beside me, pulling up the comm on her Omni Tool so I can see his creepy ass face while I work. “Shepard, you’ve done the impossible,” he preens. “You did what you had to do and you acquired the Collector base.”

“Acquired?” Garrus repeats, drawing my attention to the word as well. What the hell…

The Illusive Man continues, “I’m looking at the schematics EDI uploaded. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors, but leave the machinery and technology intact. This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a Reaper. That knowledge, that framework, could save us.”

“They liquefied people, turned them into something horrible!” I protest. “We have to destroy the base and put technology like this where it can never be used again.”

“Don’t be short-sighted. Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them.”

Jack scoffs. “That sounds like betraying the people who died for this to me.”

“If we ignore this opportunity, that would be a betrayal,” the Illusive Man urges. “The Reapers were working directly with the Collectors. Who knows what information is buried here? This base is a gift. We can’t just destroy.”

I shake my head and continue working on the charges. “No matter what kind of technology we might find, it’s not worth it.”

“Shepard, you died fighting for what you believed. I brought you back so that you could keep fighting. There are those who would say what we did to you was going too far but look what you’ve accomplished! I didn’t discard you because I knew your value.” I wince at his choice of words, making me sound like a tool or possession all over again. I hear Garrus growl from behind me. The Illusive Man either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care and continues, “Don’t be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential, Shepard.”

“I will not let fear compromise who I am,” I tell him, firm and clear. “We’ll fight and we’ll win without it.”

“Miranda! Do not let Shepard destroy the base.”

I half expect Miranda to grab me but she gives a soft laugh. “Or what? You’ll replace me next?”

“I gave you an order, Miranda,” he barks.

“I noticed. So consider this my resignation.” I turn to blink at the human, shocked, and hear Jack give a laugh that sounds a lot like approval. Miranda looks like the picture of confidence in her decision and she nods back toward the core to signal that I should keep going.

The Illusive Man tries to focus on me again, his voice rising with panic now. “Think about what’s at stake, Shepard. About everything Cerberus has done for you. You – “

Miranda cuts off the transmission and Garrus laughs softly. “I think the words of Jack are needed here. Fuck Cerberus.”

We all laugh and I finally finish the charges. “OK, we’re done. Let’s get out of here. We have ten minutes before the reactor overloads and blows this whole station apart.” Before we can actually go anywhere, the entire platform starts to shake violently. A huge metal hand appears and then with a roar, the hellish face of the human Reaper, pulling itself back up onto the platforms. “Get cover!” I shout as it starts to attack us, sending beams from its mouth that I want nothing to do with.

The squad responds immediately and we take the thing on, shooting at whatever might be a weakness and weaving around cover on the platform to avoid the attack. “The eyes, Shepard,” EDI tells us over the comms.

“You heard her! Go for the eyes – give it everything you’ve got!” We unload on the thing, Garrus and I relying on firepower while Miranda and Jack support us through biotics. It takes almost all of our ammo and I can see our teammates waning on energy when the head finally explodes with an impressively violent blast.

The Reaper starts to fall again, this time collapsing onto the platform. As the massive being slips into the darkness below us again, the weight of the body pulls the platforms. With a loud crack, the lower half starts to split and fall with it. I spin and grab the low wall behind me, using it as leverage to keep myself from falling. Jack and Miranda do the same but my stomach drops when I hear Jack scream, “Garrus, no!”

Over my shoulder I watch him try for purchase but he’s not close enough to anything that isn’t also falling; he has no way to stop himself. Without second thought, I let go of my hold and dive down for him. Garrus stretches a hand up toward me, both of us barreling downward, and I stretch as far as I can to reach him. My body angled, I catch myself on the very last hold of the platform just as Garrus falls over the edge and disappears from view. It’s only by touch, feeling a large hand grab my wrist, that I know he’s caught on.

“I’ve got you,” I tell him, bracing my legs on the hold and using both hands to try and pull him up. Garrus is a lot bigger than me and my angle isn’t good. Before I have to figure out how the hell to get him up, the Reaper falls into something below us that causes an explosion. Within a split second, the shockwave from the explosion blasts up at us. The force is enough to throw Garrus up into the air and send him back down on top of the platform several feet away from me.

He moves a leg so that I know he’s conscious and alive but before I have a second to check on him, the platform starts to vibrate again. The shockwave blasted out a wall of the ship above us and it starts to rain down in huge pieces of metal and rock. “Get down!” I shout to them covering my head with my arms. My heart pounds, knowing that Garrus is exposed and potentially in danger, but with the amount of debris, I’m stuck. I’m trying so hard to find him that I don’t see the beam coming until the last minute. My arms do nothing to stop it and the metal slams into my chest, taking me flat down to the ground and knocking the wind from me.

I fight to stay conscious and catch my breath while listening to the rain of rock stop slowly around me. Finally it’s quieted and I get my arms under the pole. I can’t lift it but I can push it up enough to slide out from underneath it. Nothing injured, I can still breathe. When I get to my feet, I spot Miranda and Jack on the other side of the platform; Jack is on her feet and helping Miranda crawl out from under a huge piece of metal.

For a moment, I can’t see Garrus at all and my stomach knots in the worst way as I spin to try and find him. It’s the shine of blue armor that finally catches my attention and I race for it, finding the Turian pinned under rock. “Garrus, wake up!” I shout at him while trying to get him uncovered. Jack and Miranda race over to join me but when he’s clear, Garrus remains unconscious. I lean over him and give him a hard shake, enough to rattle him.

It’s also apparently enough to wake him, impossibly blue eyes blinking open and becoming almost immediately aware. “You good big guy?” I ask.

“Good,” he answers gruffly, already starting to push himself up. I give him a hand and have to resign myself to patting his back for now even as relief that he’s unharmed takes my breath away.

Joker’s voice breaks over the comms, his tone bordering on frantic. “Do you copy, Commander? Come on, Shepard, don’t leave me hanging. Do you copy?”

“I’m here, Joker. Did the ground team make it?”

“Everyone is on board. We’re just waiting for you.”

“Commander,” EDI chimes in. “Collectors are approaching your position.”

I spin to the squad, all on their feet and ready to go. “Let’s get the hell out of here!” I command. We start running, shooting back at the Collectors until we realize that time is not on our side. “Forget shooting them just haul ass – fast as you can. We’re almost there!”

The Normandy is waiting for us up ahead, the door to the airlock open where Joker stands. He’s holding a rifle and shooting at the Collectors behind us, buying us extremely valuable time. Garrus reaches the end of the platform first but stops and motions for Miranda and Jack. They take the leap at a run and cross easily.

“Go!” I shout to him, just a few steps behind. Garrus obeys and takes the leap, landing inside. Something crashes down beside me onto the platform and I dodge it but feel the ground under my feet starting to give.

“Shepard, jump for it!” Garrus shouts. I find another gear to move enough faster and use every bit of energy I have to leap for the ship when I reach the edge. I never have the opportunity to find out if I would have made it because Garrus takes no chances, holding the edge of the airlock with one hand and reaching the other out to grab me mid-air. He yanks and throws me into the ship behind him, nearly making me crash into the wall.

“Detonation in ten, night, eight…” EDI starts to count as Joker limps quickly toward his seat.

“Yeah, I get the gist of it EDI. Hold on!” he cries while shutting the door. Joker punches it and we’re all launched backward, Garrus again catching me before I fall. Within a second, another blast rocks the ship and through the window, we see the destruction of the Collector Base. Cheers erupt throughout the ship and a laugh bursts from my chest, overjoyed and shocked that we did it.

Garrus grabs me and pulls me into his chest for a hard kiss. “I knew you could do it.”

*****

For the first time ever, I’m glad to check in with the Illusive Man before doing anything else. He is pissed and it makes me feel so damn proud. “Shepard. You are making a habit of costing me more than time and money,” he snaps at me.

“Too many lives were lost at that base. I’m not sorry it’s gone.”

He shakes his head. “The technology from that base could have secured human dominance in the galaxy. Against the Reapers and beyond.”

“Human dominance? You mean Cerberus dominance,” I counter, crossing my arms and sinking back into my hip.

“Strength for Cerberus is strength for humans!” he snaps, losing his cool finally. I can’t help smiling. “I should have known you’d choke on the hard decisions. Too idealistic from the start.”

“I’m done listening to you; I’m doing things my way from now on.” He blinks at me. “The Reapers are coming, and I’m going to make sure everyone is ready when they get here. Not just humans, and not just Cerberus. You and Cerberus can fall in line or get the hell out of my way.”

“You sure that’s what you want? You’re taking one hell of a risk here, Shepard.”

I laugh at him. “You brought me back. You should know better than to make an enemy of me.” I spin on my hell and call, “Joker, lose this channel.” My pilot confirms with a laugh and I hear the click to confirm the end of the comm. I walk out of the room with my head held high knowing that the Illusive Man and Cerberus are no longer a shadow over my head.

Now I just have to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with the Reapers.


	49. Epilogue - Everything Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you likely guessed, this is the end of the Mass Effect 2 portion of this adventure...but there is MUCH more. In fact, the next part of the story is going up *today*!!!!
> 
> When you finish here, I hope you'll go check out "Walk Me Home." The next installment in Garrus & Elle's story is short and very sweet and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it. 
> 
> From there...Mass Effect 3 is coming!

I never doubted Shepard. I'm absolutely positive that none of us did. Honestly, I think you'd have to be a total stranger or have your head completely up your ass to doubt the woman who has done the impossible over and over. 

From the moment she survived the Batarian raid on Mindior, Shepard has beaten the odds. She was orphaned as a teenager and forced into slavery; I worked on C-Sec long enough to know what happens to most people who come out of a life like that. If they come out at all. Instead of ending up on drugs or on the street, Shepard enlisted. A few years later, she was the only survivor on Akuze. And there's a good damn reason no one else made it, it's not like getting away from a thresher maw is easy! She got us to Ilos, supposed to be impossible, and she defeated a Reaper. And then she died. 

Shepard has even defeated death. Why wouldn't I assume that she could take out a Collector base, defeating a species with near mythological reputation in the Traverse? Her talents - as a leader and a solider - don't surprise me anymore. But damn, she makes me proud. 

The crew is relieved and proud of themselves, of each other, when we get back safely. There's still a weight over us, knowing we're back with some of us gone forever. But we saved a lot more of us, and we completed the mission on the base without a single loss. It even looks like Kelly is going to pull through, though Chakwas is glad we're headed right for the Citadel. 

And once we've determined for sure that the entire crew is safe, secure, and just ready to get some rest, I am headed right for bed with my girl. Fortunately, Shepard is of the same mind; the moment I motion toward the elevator, she's moving in that direction, catching my hand and tugging me with her on the way. It feels impossible that she needs and wants me as badly as I need and want her, but it's there in the way she throws herself against me as soon as we're alone in the elevator. 

Shepard gets a grip on my fringe with a still-armored hand and pulls me down to meet her lips. I don't need encouragement to kiss her; I'd do nothing else for the rest of my life if I could. Her urgency surprises and charges me, Shepard shoving her tongue into my mouth and then me into the wall. Her hands move to the latches of my armor, moving through them with desperation, and it sets a blaze charging through my blood. Need for her explodes in me, every touch making me hotter so that we end up stumbling into the hallway and desperately trying to get one another's armor off. 

I'm achingly hard by the time we manage to get through the door, but then Shepard gets my codpiece off, and her steel fucking grip on me erection sends me right to my knees. I was holding her, so Shepard comes down with me, and she gasps but doesn't panic. She barely misses a beat in kissing me, and I find myself thrusting into her hand right there on the floor. I don't need more than her body to make his work, so I don't bother slowing or giving up the effort to get to her skin, starting with what's between her legs. 

She cries out when I rip right through her BDU's, tearing the seam on her stomach and then yanking down until I get her bare where I want her. We're both still partially armored, panting hard between sloppy kisses, and covered in the stench of Collector ship when I shove into her. "Oh, hard, sir, please," Shepard cries, spine arching and our armored thighs creaking against one another. "I need you hard." 

And she'll get whatever she needs from me. 

I sit up on my knees and spread her thighs wide, giving me all the access I need. My quad smacks hard and with an incredibly satisfying sound against her ass with each stroke, and Shepard is moaning with each one too. My talons slice through the top half of her BDUs as well, shredding the equipment with care only for her breasts and the look on her face when I grope them. She gasps and grabs my forearm when I wrap one hand around her throat, squeezing harder than usual. Emerald eyes meet mine, and I hold her gaze. 

"Give in," I breathe, an softer order than she usually gets. "I have you." 

Immediately, her hand releases me, and I take that as my consent. The sound of her choking combined with the noise of our armor and our bodies joining is a fucking symphony. I don't squeeze long enough for her to even turn red, no where near as long as she's without air when she's deep throating my cock, but even just those few seconds get my girl wild. She screams for me, clawing at my waist and thighs, urging me harder and faster with her body, arching her throat into my hand for more and more and more. 

She cums just as wildly, an absolute vision shattering there on the floor for me. And that comes more and more and more, too, her body rising to the occasion and meeting all of my demands. I don't hold back, giving in to my base instincts and filling her every time the need arises until there's a puddle of both our fluids on the floor under her and my legs aren't holding me up the same way anymore. 

Shepard lets out a husky laugh when I collapse onto my back beside her. "I have never been fucked on a floor before." 

"Really? Well that's a shame because you, my love, are fantastic for fucking on a floor." 

"I...is that a compliment?"

I laugh and lean over her for another kiss, then test my legs slowly before helping her up. She's a mess, her throat and cheeks red, her hair a disaster, her armor half off with shredding BDUS hanging, cum on her thighs and stomach. "Fuck, you are gorgeous, Elle." I can barely get the words out, my heart is racing so hard and so high up in my chest. She's breathtaking. 

"You are ridiculous," she laughs, shoving me away. She then immediately pulls me back. "Now finish getting me naked and then take a shower with me." 

We move at a much different pace in the shower, lingering and luxuriating in the hot water, the opportunity to get clean, the feel of one another. Shepard washes me with care from head to toe, massaging my plates in the progress. Anytime she's touching me, and especially when she's naked, I get hard. This is no exception, even when I'm physically and mentally drained. She looks up at me, running a finger down it, and I kiss her while shaking my head. "Ignore it. I wanna wash you. And honestly, you'd be pulling rope at this point anyway." 

"Fair enough," she laughs, leaning into me. I can tell she's just as tired, so I return the favor of a good massage from her scalp down but I don't go so slowly that she becomes dead on her feet. At least I don't mean to, but Shepard is wavering by the time I finish. I scoop her into my arms, take her to the sink to get dried off with a fluffy towel, and then carry her naked to bed with me. 

"You know, I meant to talk to you when you got up here," I laugh, collapsing onto the mattress with Shepard on my chest. "I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, to thank you for trusting me with so much, and then I was going to fuck you. Gotta say, I think I like your plan more." 

She giggles, snuggling against me and burying her face in my throat while I bring the blankets up around us. Monster comes too, happily making a place for himself against Shepard's feet - his favorite place to sleep. "I just couldn't help myself," she admits. "You saved my ass when you pulled me onto the ship. Being alive and grateful makes me horny." 

I laugh and drop my hand to her ass, giving it a squeeze. "I have zero complaints when you're horny, kid." I shift my hand to her hair and drag my fingers down her scalp lightly. "I am proud of you though, baby. I need you to know that. It's an honor to serve with you." 

"Thank you," she whispers, tightening her arm around me. "I'm proud of you, too. You got most of the crew through that ship for me. No one else down there could have done it as well." She tilts her head to look up at me. "I'm honored to serve with you, not just lead you. You know that, right?"

I nod and kiss her softly. "I know. Now get some sleep. Tomorrow, you have to start freaking out about meeting my mom." 

She groans loudly and buries her head in my throat again, making both of us laugh. I wrap both arms around her, soaking in the feel of her soft skin and warm body, her breath against me. We conquered something massive today, and tomorrow, we start figuring out how to conquer the rest. All of I know is that nothing will stop this woman and nothing could keep me from being on her six. We're going to get through this. 

"I love you, Garrus," she murmurs, voice heavy with sleep. 

I smile so wide it threatens to split my new wounds. And I don't care. "I love you too, Shepard. More than I could ever say." 

*****

I will never know what I've done to deserve a blessing like waking up with someone like Shepard beside me. I'm not good, I've done nothing of note, and I've accepted all that. Spirits know my father has a list of ways I've dishonored our family, our people, Palaven. And yet for some reason, the universe and whatever forces control it have seen fit to give me not just any mate but this exceptional woman. One who can walk into hell, take down impossible enemies, and come right back out. 

The soldier who is going to lead us to save the galaxy from an unimaginable foe and horrible fate is naked and sound asleep in bed beside me - our bed. Guard down, peace surrounding her, her body perfectly warm and soft. She loves me. She wants me so badly she fucked me on the floor last night. She trusts me enough to hand over leadership during her mission, and even more to fall asleep beside me, to be completely vulnerable and exposed to me when I'm inside her For all the dreams I've ever had of my future, I imagined that being blessed this way was out of my reach. 

Armed and ready - as always - I press myself against Shepard's warm back and run my hand slowly down her while rolling my hips into her ass. I run my tongue along the back of her neck and nip over the reconstructed N7 tattoo on her shoulder blade. Her hand is resting in front of her, until it joins mine on her hip and squeezes my fingers. She wakes, rolling her ass back into my hips and the erection I woke up with. "Good morning," she murmurs with a smile in her voice. 

"Mmm, it's about to be," I tease, nipping her ear sharply. Shepard jumps, then moans and turns her head to ask for a kiss that I happily deliver. Her mouth is especially warm first thing in the morning, and I shamelessly indulge in it as often as possible. I have different plans this morning though, a different need. And Shepard knows exactly what that need is when I show her the bottle of lube in my hand. 

Her face lights up, some of the anxiety about pain still in her eyes but its overwhelmed with excitement and lust now. "Ooh, early morning anal. Lucky me." 

"Spirits, you are perfect," I laugh, then lean in to kiss her hard once more. I cup her ass, squeezing, and tell her, "I want this up in the air for me. On your knees." She squeaks softly when I slap my hand down hard, reveling in the bounce of flesh, and then quickly rolls to her stomach and gets on all fours. There's no hesitation, no questioning this. Just submission. All for me. 

I can't resist the opportunity to taste her, getting between her legs and using the length of my tongue to dip inside her. She grows wet in a rush, grinding against me and moaning while I slick up my dick and fingers. She barely resists at all now when I start to work one finger and then two inside her ass while alternating between flicking my tongue over her clit and fucking her with it. She's much more eager to take her pleasure now, all fears of the taboo and even the pain gone from her mind. 

"Such a slut," I tease, growling with a need I cannot contain or control. She shudders at the words, then jumps when I nip the back of her thigh before sitting up. Shepard assumes her position without being told, pressing her face low into the pillows and keeping her ass up. I love how much she's learned, how much she'll do to please me, but I won't hold back from pushing her for more. "Spread your cheeks for me, beautiful." 

She moans softly but doesn't hesitate, bringing her hands back and blessing me further with a perfect few of that tight, pink hole. Confident she's been stretched effectively by my fingers because I'm never going to cause her more pain than I absolutely must, I square my hips behind her and press the thick head of my cock against that hole. 

"Breathe," I warn. As she exhales, I push inside her. Shepard pushes back out at the same time, her body welcoming me. I think I could take her ass everyday and still be stunned by how tight, how hot she is. It's dizzying, and I constantly have to fight for control. And it's worth it for the way she cries out, the way her spine arches, the way her skin flushes while I work steadily into her. "That's my girl," I purr, closing my eyes and running my talons down her spine. I stroke lazily, long and slow. It still makes both of us pant, but I won't waste an opportunity to take my time. 

I bend forward, aligning over her back, and pull her arms toward the head of the bed under my hands. She keeps her ass up and I keep stroking into her, licking and nipping her neck and shoulder and jaw wherever I can reach. Our bodies move in perfect sync, Shepard grinding against me like we're dancing while getting her ass fucked deeply. "Oh, Garrus," she whispers, leaning her head against mine. "You make me feel..." 

I press my mouth to her cheek when she trails off in a moan. "I know, baby, I feel it too. Made for me. All mine." 

"Yours, yes," she pants. 

"Mmm, yeah. And because your mine...." I drag one hand down the front of her body and then hook my arm around her hip to reach her clit, barely crazing her. "I want to make you feel as good as possible. I want to show you off, too. I think you need another cock in you soon, hmm?" Shepard gasps and stiffens for barely a second before leaning into me again. "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? My cockstarved girl getting as much as she can handle, maybe even a third for your mouth. What do you think, baby, can you handle all that?"

"Garrus," she gasps, her body tightening around me. "I'll take whatever you tell me to, sir." 

A smile erupts over my mouth. "Good girl. You know I'll take good care of you, right? Always?"

"Always," she agrees. "I trust you. I want you. Want more of you." 

"Anything you want from me, Elle, you can have. Anything." I kiss her one more and then sit up, not wanting to miss the few when I take her harder, faster. It almost seems impossible that she can take all of me, her body so much smaller, but she handles whatever I have every time. More, she makes me feel more than I knew was possible. She rocks my entire world, and I want to worship her in a way I've never felt about another person or deity. Right now, that worship comes in the form of making her fall apart for me. 

She's soaking wet, making a hard and rapid massage of her clit feel even dirtier than usual. Shepard throws her head back and cries out my name while l work her body, and the tremors that start rocking through her make it almost impossible for me to hold out. Her permission to use her with other men is fresh in my mind too, the mental image of Shepard completely filled and perfectly debased the thing that finally drags me over a sharp edge and into an intense orgasm. Shepard doesn't need more than that to explode, her screams piercing through the haze of my orgasm so I know to keep going. I refuse to let her down. 

When Shepard's legs shake hard and threaten to collapse, I hold her hips, carefully pull out, and then roll to my side so that we end up in the same position we were in when I woke her up. This time, we're both panting and hot and shaking a little. I'm still just as eager to touch every inch of her, and can't stop myself from sliding my hands everywhere I can reach. Shepard arches into all my touches, neither of us doing much to gentle the other, but Shepard breaks first and rolls over to kiss me, climbing on top of me. 

"Come here," I moan between kisses, tugging her hips and encouraging her to climb further up me. "I wanna taste you." 

Shepard whimpers and doesn't resist, kneeling on either side of my head. I tug her down to me, but she doesn't need anymore encouragement to ride my face. Her scent and taste surround me, nearly overwhelming me, and I lap eagerly while she rocks her hips against me. She whispers my name over and over, grabbing my fringe with one hand and the headboard with another. I can't see much of her but shit it's an incredible view. 

"Please, sir," she cries, head falling forward. "Make me cum." 

I growl against her and grip her ass, holding her still and lashing her clit with my tongue relentlessly. I can feel my hips surging up off the bed with need even while there's nothing I need more than her orgasm.   
That burst of her flavor on my tongue, the way I know she'll say my name. I can feel it coming, and I only work harder to earn it, my talons breaking her skin lightly. 

"Commander." 

Joker's voice in the room startles both of us, Shepard actually yelping. My surprise lasts half a second though, and then I'm just pissed off. 

"No," I growl when she tries to get away, instead rolling her so that I can pin her hips. I'm still in between her thighs, and I dive right back in, ignoring her half-hearted efforts to shove me away. 

"I...oh! Joker...Joker, what?" she manages somehow. I can't help a smile, and she sees it on my face when I look up at her. She looks like she wants to smack or scold me until I take her clit lightly between my mouth plates and work it softly with my tongue. "Joker!" she snaps when he doesn't answer. 

"What are you two doing?" he asks slowly, playfully. 

"Joker, I swear to God, oh...." She trails off when I slip a finger inside her. 

Joker makes a dramatically disgusted noise. "Hackett is on the comms for you. I'm assuming that you want to have him hold? And since I haven't heard Vakarian yet, I'm assuming he's - " 

"EDI, privacy mode!" A beep confirms we're alone, and then Shepard throws her head back on a scream. "Garrus, please! Like that, right now, oh...oh God!" 

Shepard explodes for me, her body nearly levitating for a second and her biotics sparking wildly. I hang on for the ride, not letting up until she's collapsed against the mattress and pushing me away, begging for me to relent. 

"No more!" she pleads, rolling away from me as soon as I give her the space. "Garrus! There's a - " She stumbles when she gets to her feet, legs shaky, and has to catch herself on the closet door. "Damn it. There's an admiral on a call, Garrus!" 

"And I'm sure he's still there now," I respond, propping up on one elbow. She gives me a dark look while tugging on a pair of sweatpants, breasts bouncing fantastically. "I will not apologize for making you cum like that. Or for being in love with you." 

"Don't be cute," she snaps. It would concern me if she weren't also smiling. She yanks on a tank top, no bra, and then rakes her fingers through hair to pull it up on her way to her desk. I lay back, choosing to listen from here and while naked. I hear Shepard take a deep breath and clear her throat, and then the lights shift to make the hologram of Admiral Hackett visible. "Sir." 

"Shepard. I hear congratulations are in order." 

I frown. He sounds anything but congratulatory. He actually sounds nervous. I don't know Hackett well, but I know enough to know that's odd. Shepard can hear it too, I'm sure. I've got 'super senses' as she would say, but she's intuitive as hell. 

"Thank you, sir. My team did an incredible job. I wasn't expecting to here from you, though." 

"I am honestly sorry that you have to, Commander." 

I lift my head and can see Shepard swallow hard from here. "This is about BATARIAN PLANET WITH RELAY, isn't it?"

That gets me on my feet, and I quickly start yanking on clothes while they talk. 

"They're threatening war over what happened," Hackett tells her. "And Batarians have never given us reason to believe that they give hollow threats, even though we know they just needed an excuse." 

"And I gave them that excuse," Shepard mutters. 

"Stop," I command, cutting quickly across the room and into their conversation. I don't care if Hackett doesn't want me here; I can see that Shepard needs me by the look on her face. I pull her into my chest and press my mouth into her hair. "You did what you had to do. If you hadn't, the Reapers would already be here and we'd probably be dead." 

"And I agree with Vakarian," Hackett chimes in. He shakes his head slowly and looks down. "But...they are calling what you did a warcrime, and Alliance leadership is already unhappy that you're serving with Cerberus." 

Shepard tenses but straightens, facing her admiral again. "What are we doing next? What do you need me to do?"

My stomach turns when Hackett doesn't even look at her. "Why do I get the feeling we aren't going to like this answer?"

He takes a visible breath. "Commander, you are being charged with a war crime and treason by the Alliance. Given your service record, you will be permitted to turn yourself in on Earth, but you are expected to do so - " 

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Shepard barely reacts to my explosion, her shoulders falling low. "Treason?!" 

"I'm being stripped of my rank and court martialed, right?" she asks, voice softly. 

Hackett nods but rage courses hot through me. "No, you're not. The Alliance wants you, they can come out here and try to get you." 

"Garrus, stop," she breathes, shaking her head and not looking at me. "We both know I have to do this." 

"Like hell you do! Shepard, they have nothing - " 

"Three hundred thousand people died because of me!" she shouts, glaring up at me with wet eyes. "I know exactly what I did, and if I have to pay for that crime to keep Earth out of a war - to keep the galaxy out of a war that we cannot afford right now - that's what I'll do." 

I release her roughly, terrified that I'll hurt her by accident with the way I'm shaking, and then turn away. I can't...I can't accept this. How can she? 

"I am doing what I can for you, Shepard," Hackett says. "Anderson and I have made it clear that your mission cannot be interrupted, so we've given you this much time." 

"I have to come now then?" she asks. 

Pain surges through my chest, and I press my hand against my carapace to try and keep it from ripping right through me. Monster meows softly up at me, confused and concerned, but I can't risk touching him right now. 

"Actually...I have a plan to buy you a little more time and to make sure that, should the worst happen and you be found guilty, the Alliance cannot keep you on Earth or even in jail." 

That catches my attention. At least enough for me to turn around and look again.

"The Turian Hierarchy would never allow the...mate of one of it's citizens to be held in a prison and kept separated from their mate. If you and Vakarian are married before you turn yourself in, you will need to wait for trial and stand trial, but you could be freed after. Released into Hierarchy custody at least." 

Shepard's green eyes flash to me, and I'm almost grateful when they flash away again because I have no idea what to say. "How long could I stall before coming in?"

"I can give you two weeks at most if you are in Council space that entire time." 

Shepard nods. "We're heading for the Citadel now anyway. Thank you for letting me know and for all your help, Admiral. I'll keep you updated." 

"For whatever it's worth, I am sorry." 

I scoff, and Shepard gives me a dark look before ending the call. As soon as it's gone, she plants her hands on the desk like she needs it to keep from collapsing. I'm doing the same with the wall behind me. 

This can't be happening. 

"What about the Council?" I ask. "You're a Spectre, they can defend you, say that it was a Council - " 

"Garrus. You know that's not a real option." 

"Why the hell not?" I demand. "What is the real option then, you go to Earth - to prison - for Spirits only know how long until they decide whether or not to charge you?"

"I have a responsibility to the Alliance, and if I don't go back, we could end up at war with the Batarians." 

"Shepard! The Reapers are coming, you know this," I press, hearing the pleading in my own voice and my legs instinctively move me toward her. "We can't afford for you to be grounded, to be out of the battle." 

She shakes her head, taking a breath. "The crew will have to keep working on readying the galaxy. You can - " 

"Yeah, me. What about me, Shepard? You're just gonna leave me, just like that? Again?" 

Shepard blinks, then takes a step back from me, wearing an expression like I just smacked her. And I know that I might as well have, but right now, I can't really care very much that it hurt. She's leaving me, and even with the thought, I can barely breathe. 

My hand wraps around her dog tags, and I collapse into her desk chair, my body threatening to quit while the scars on my heart crack right back open into fresh wounds. "Tell me I can come with you," I beg her, not looking because I know what the answer will be. 

"You know I can't do that. Court martial...they aren't going to let me have anyone around, have contact...nothing." 

"Please, Shepard. After all this...how can it be so easy for you to leave me?" My voice cracks around the words. "You promised. You said you..." Something hot and foreign erupts in my chest, and before I even realize my hand is around it, a framed holopic of Shepard and I is cracking into pieces. I drop them to the floor like she’s doing with me.

There's a suffocating silence until I hear the door opening, then closing.

She's left me. 

*****

"ETA to the Citadel?"

"Two hours." Joker turns in his chair to look up at me. "You talk to him yet?" 

I shake my head. "Have you?"

"He..." Joker takes a breath and pulls his hat off. It's nearly enough to make me panic; I thought that thing was permanently attached to his head. "Last night, he was in the bar. Kasumi was down there; she called me and Jack. He never had a drink, but...he wanted it. More than I've seen him want it." 

My chest seizes, pain and fear taking my breath away. Garrus was wrong. He said some horrible things, things that I did not deserve. But am I just being stubborn in not approaching him first? If he needs me, if he needs help, I should be there for him. 

That will be impossible while I'm in an Alliance prison. 

"So, you're really doing it, huh? Going to jail?" 

He knows the answer. I told the whole team the same day I found out. It was their right to know. I asked them all to stay until I came up with a timeline, a plan for what they should each do, and everyone agreed except for Zaeed, who is leaving as soon as we get to the Citadel. And that's fine with me. Samara also said that she may have to leave; she can't continue to follow me if I'm technically a criminal. That one, I understand. I'm just glad she's not going to kill me. 

No one is happy; Tali has cried twice in two days, and Jack cursed me out. But none of them reacted like Garrus did. Granted, none of them has a relationship with me like Garrus does. None of them has been abandoned by me before. Still, I'm not entirely in the wrong, and that stubborn ass Turian hasn't even bothered to try apologizing. 

And now he's going to drink? No. Hell no. I'm not letting him go down like that. 

I whirl around and head out of the cockpit, ignoring Joker's calls from behind me. "EDI, where is he?"

"Your quarters," the AI answers. I jump into the elevator and smack the button. I can't help running through the contents of the minibar in my head. I don't want Garrus near a drink and alone after what Joker just told me. Garrus has always seemed so in control...

I need a breath for courage before walking inside, scared of what I'll find. What actually awaits me is worse than anything I could have imagined. 

Garrus is cleaning out his side of the closet, packing the bag he brought from Omega.

"Oh, God." I fall into the wall, the ship rocking suddenly. Or maybe that's just me. "You're really...you're going?"

He stands and turns to me, hands flexing. I don't know if that's a need to touch me the way it would have been two days ago or to break something. "We're almost at the Citadel, and you’re taking the Normandy to Earth so...had to pack." 

Oh. Right. 

"Okay." 

"Is it?" He gives a dry, pained laugh and then turns back to the closet, now shoving things into his bag much less neatly. "I'll be out of your way in a second." 

I take a breath and approach the couch, letting myself fall onto it. My pillow is still here from all the no-sleep I got on it last night. "They're your quarters, too." 

"Again, you're taking the Normandy to Earth. And since I'm not coming...I have to get out." 

He's right. I'm taking his home, the place we've called home - our home - for months. I'm throwing them all out, forcing my crew with no homes to find something else and even my crew with somewhere else to go to leave this home. I'm kicking Garrus out of the home I asked him to share with me. 

I move to rub my face, but a glint on my hand catches my eye. My ring. My beautiful, perfect ring that my beautiful, broken love put on my finger right in this room. In our home. 

"We got engaged here," I mutter, turning the ring slowly and watching the light dance around it. "I don't know what they'll do with the Normandy when I..." I'm not ready to say it. I'm losing home, too. An orphan again. And I may be even more alone than I realize...but I'll never know if I don't ask. 

When I look up, Garrus is watching me. His shoulders are low, his mandibles pulled tight to his face. I take a breath and steel myself for whatever might come. 

"I understand if you don't want me to go with you...if you don't want me to meet your mom." I swallow, the lump in my throat making that hard. My face burns with unshed tears. "If you want the ring back, I can - " 

My voice cracks, and it opens the damn, tears flooding my cheeks in an instant. 

"Shepard - " 

"I'm scared," I blurt out. I didn't know I was going to say it, but now I can't stop. "I'm so scared, Garrus, about what will happen to me on Earth and what will happen to the crew and about not being ready for the Reapers. And I'm terrified that I'll lose you for this. I don't want that. I have to do this, but I can't do it without you even if I'm..." 

I lose the words, and sobs wrack my chest. 

"Hush." Strong arms scoop me up and into a hard chest before Garrus sits back down on the couch with me on his lap, in his arms. He hushes me softly, rubbing my back and letting me get all the tears out without so much as another word. I don't bother to try speaking, letting the fear I've been trying to hold back take over me. 

Treason and war crimes. I'm being charged with actual crimes, including the murder of hundreds of thousands of people and being disloyal to my own people. To the Alliance that I've fought and died for. I have to go to jail, I could be stripped of my rank, I could end up on the streets with nothing and no one. No one, because Garrus is leaving. 

"I can't do this alone," I cry, my own voice barely recognizable.

Garrus's arms tighten around me. "I'm such a fool. I...I'm so sorry I've made you do it alone this far, so sorry." He starts to rock me softly, carding his hand through my hair. When he bends his head to press his forehead against the side of my head, another horrible sob bursts from me. "All I could see was you leaving. I was selfish, I didn't...Spirits. I'm sorry. You are not alone, Shepard. I'll never leave you alone." 

I manage to shake my head, trying to catch my breath. "You're scared too." 

"Terrified," he whispers. "But that's no excuse." 

"I don't want to leave you. How could you think that?" 

He just shakes his head and holds me even closer, his mouth against my head when he whispers, "You didn’t talk to me, didn’t consider it. You made the choice like it was obvious and easy. It felt like being back in my apartment, you walking out on me. It felt like you dying again, Shepard, like...like losing you. And I can't lose you, I can't." 

His voice cracks, and he buries his face in my shoulder, chest trembling with his breaths. He's breathing rapidly now, like he's right back in those places again, and I wrap my arms around him. Garrus wasn't the only one being inconsiderate and selfish. 

"I shouldn't have made it sound so obvious, so easy. And I shouldn't have made the decision alone." I press my forehead against his head, and Garrus shifts until we're nose-to-nose. "I should have at least talked with you about it. I'm sorry." 

"Fuck, I hate fighting with you. I missed you." His talons threaten to break through my shirt, he's holding me so tightly. 

I shake my head. "We have to stop running away when we fight. We need to talk and not days later. Promise me we’ll talk it out, fight it through next time." 

Blue eyes blink up at me. "Does that mean I'm going to get more opportunities to get mad and upset with you?"

"I'm sure there will be plenty in a lifetime," I laugh, the sound easing some of the pain in my chest. I grow serious again quickly, we both do, and I lean against him. "Are you okay?"

"I...no. I can't be okay with this. I'm losing you." That last bit is whispered. "Shepard, what if they try to keep you from me?"

Hackett's warning about that, his plan, rings through my mind. I can see the exact moment that Garrus remembers it too, his head snapping up and his eyes searching mine. The Turian Hierarchy won't let the Alliance keep us apart no matter what I'm charged with if...

"Do you - " 

"Would you - " 

We both laugh when we realize the other started talking at the same time, and Garrus lifts a hand to dry my tears gently. "I never wanted to wait anyway, baby," he breathes. "Whenever you're ready...I want to marry you." 

"You would marry a traitor and a war criminal? Someone with no rank, no nothing?"

"Stop. Look at me." It's a firm, direct order, and my eyes snap to his on command. "You don't talk about yourself like that, you hear me? I don't give a fuck what the Alliance or the Batarians say, I don't care if the rest of the galaxy says it." He presses his hand to my chest. "I know you. I know your heart, I know who you are. And I know it will be an honor to spend my life as your partner, your mate." 

"I'm not a traitor." It comes out weak and pathetic, a whimper, and more tears follow it. 

"No, you're not. You're not a traitor, you're not a criminal. We know you, Shepard, your crew - the people who were there...we know. Okay?" He nuzzles my cheek. "I know you're having trouble believing that right now, so just trust us. Trust me. You can do that, can't you?"

I nod and swallow. "Yeah. I trust you." 

"That's my girl." He bumps me with his forehead and whispers, "Hey? You wanna marry me in two weeks?"

"Garrus." A laugh, the sound bringing relief, escapes me. "I wanna marry you right now." 

"Even after I threw a fit and broke things being selfish?"

This time, I pull him to meet my eyes. "We have a lifetime ahead of us. We're both going to make mistakes. We're going to have fights. We just have to deal with that as it comes, but I'm not leaving you. I mean that as much now as I did the first time I said it. Okay?"

"Okay. And I promise I'll work on not running away when I get mad. Maybe on my temper as a whole." 

I laugh. "Yeah, maybe." He smirks and leans forward, catching my lips in a kiss. I push him away when he tries to deepen it. "No, no, you have to keep packing. Now not only are we going to meet your mom, but we have to tell your family that we're getting married." 

He smiles brightly. "We're getting married." 

*****

It's not often that I get to see Shepard nervous. She had some anxiety going into the Collector base, sure, but that wasn’t like this. Now, walking through the Citadel toward Huerta Memorial where my mom is, Shepard is jittery as hell. I didn't even know she had nervous tics before now. It's almost adorable. I'd probably tease her about it if I wasn't feeling so fragile about us right now. 

Chakwas told me once, when I first went to her about my depression, that she wondered if I didn't have PTSD about Shepard dying. She encouraged me to talk to Kelly Chambers about it, but at the time, that was absolutely never going to happen. And now, with Kelly unconscious and in Huerta herself with Thane by her side, I probably lost my chance. I can't help but wonder if Chakwas is right, though. I got even the thought of Shepard leaving, of losing her again, in my head, and I could barely breathe. Panic is the only way I can think of to describe what I was feeling. 

Part of it might also be that she's my bondmate, and a Turian is not supposed to lose their bondmate - especially not before the bond is complete. A piece of my soul went with her and left me for two years. I know that I'm not quite the same as I was before, and Shepard knows it too. While I don't have a good option for someone to talk to about PTSD, I have my parents and my oldest brother for bonding. Especially my dad who has to face the reality of his bondmate dying everyday. Maybe he could help me figure it out. 

I want to get better. I don't want to panic - ever - and certainly not when it means fighting with Shepard like that. I don't want her to have to deal with that for the rest of our lives. And for some reason, this woman is still interested in spending her life with me. Temper and trauma and all. 

I pull her against my side, releasing her hand to put my arm around her shoulder. "Do you have any idea how grateful I am for you?" I murmur, holding her close. "What the fuck are you doing with a mess like me, Shepard?"

"You stop that," she replies, leaning on me heavily and looking up at me. "If I'm not allowed to talk badly about myself, neither are you. Deal?"

"Definitely not," I tease. She pokes my side and laughs when it makes me jump, but I get her back with a sharp swat on her ass. 

"Garrus!" She blushes, trying to hide her smile, and looking around as though she's been scandalized. "There are people around to see you spanking me, you know." 

"We both know you kind of like it when people watch." I have to dodge her swat, but Shepard is fast, and she nearly trips me. "Oh, you wanna play?" I give her a dark look, and Shepard spins to run, forgetting all about the people. I snag her around the waist and lift her right off the ground, her back against my chest. "You're gonna get spanked," I growl into her throat. 

"Could I just get kissed instead?" she asks, pouting adorably. 

"Mmm. We both know I can't deny you a damn thing." 

I put her down, and Shepard spins around, yanking me down by the carapace to kiss me full on the mouth. Now she really isn't thinking about whoever might see, holding my face between her hands and leaning up on her toes to reach me. I keep my hands safely on her hips, keeping my wits about me at least enough not to grope her on the Citadel. Still, when her tongue sweeps across my bottom plate, a growl escapes me. Shepard smiles against my mouth, well aware of what she does to me. 

"Wow, do we have to pay for this show?" 

Shepard tenses at the taunt from nearby, but I know that voice in an instant. I'd know it anywhere, no matter how long it's been since I last heard it. My big brother will always be familiar. 

I look over Shepard's head and find him leaning on a metal planter and smoking a cigarette with a big, shit-eating grin on his smug face. "Dex." 

"Pup." 

I pull Shepard with me, noting that she's tense again, and I squeeze her hand once before releasing her to hug my brother. I'm taller than him now, broader too, but something about hugging Dex always makes me feel small in the best way. 

Our foreheads meet, and I draw in his scent, closing my eyes briefly. We stay there for longer than usual, and I'm not sure if Dex knows that I need it or if he's taking comfort from me, too. I don't care; he's my big brother. 

When we part, Dex takes a hold of my fringe and pulls my head back so that he can examine my throat and then the rest of me. It's a traditional move, the way we signal to each other which of us is dominant. With family and loved ones, it's also a way to show that you care for the other person. Dex grins. "You look good, Pup. You're getting too tall for this, though." 

"Getting?" I laugh and roll my eyes at him. "I'm over thirty, I stopped growing years ago." 

"Not enough years apparently." He releases my head and slaps my shoulder. "Good to see you, Garrus." 

"You, too." I turn to Shepard, finding her a couple feet behind me. She's a little flushed, hands tucked deep into the pockets of her hoodie, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Come here, my love." Her face brightens instantly, surprise sparking like she wasn't sure I would be the same around family as I am when we're alone. I'm happy to help assuage those fears. She comes to my side, and I wrap an arm around her, planting my hand possessively on her waist. "Shepard, this is my oldest brother, General Dextius Vakarian. Dex...Commander Shepard." 

It's always weird to introduce people with titles, but some of my Turian military training has stuck. Dex smirks like he knows I hate it. 

"Commander, it's an honor," he says, putting a hand out between them. Shepard grabs his forearm instead, offering respect. "And a pleasure. Solana hasn't shut up about you." 

Shepard laughs. "I knew there was a reason I liked her. And please, just Shepard." 

"Then it's just Dex." They smile at one another, then release hands, and Shepard is just a tiny bit less tense when she looks up at me. She knows from what I've told her, though, that this was how I expected Dex to react. I'm his baby brother; he's always supported me almost blindly, even when he also needed to kick my ass back in the right direction. She won't relax until she's met the most important member of my family, and I won't relax until I see her either. 

"How's Mom?" I ask, always anxious to spit the question out. I never know what to expect from the answer. 

Dex's wide smile is not what I expected. "You need to see her for yourself. Come on." He leads us inside, Shepard holding my hand and tight to my side again. "Solana and Dad are upstairs. Pia is here, too, and Cas is with us." 

"Yeah? He's starting school soon, right?"

"Next month, man." 

"Shit." 

"Exactly." 

My oldest nephew is fifteen and starting military school. Apparently, I’ve gotten old as hell. 

We get into the elevator, Dex obviously familiar with the route to Mom's room after two weeks, and I pull Shepard to lean on me. Dex looks her over subtly and then offers a sweet smile. Much sweeter than what I'm used to from him, and it makes me suspicious instantly. 

"You know, Shepard, I assumed Solana was exaggerating when she told me how beautiful you are. Turns out she didn't say enough." 

Shepard's cheeks heat instantly, and I playfully tug her behind me. "Flirting with my girl already, Dex, really? Stand down." Dex throws his head back with a laugh, and Shepard graces me with that sweet giggle. I narrow my eyes at her and tease, "And you. Don't blush at my brother. That's just for me." She rolls her eyes and pops up on her toes to kiss my cheek. "That's just for me, too." 

"You hope," she quips. Dex laughs again and catches my eye to give an approving nod. It makes my heart skip, especially considering the news we have to give them. 

And thinking about that news makes me wonder who else might be here. 

"Ephram around?"

"No," Dex answers while we head out of the elevator, giving me a look. "You haven't seen him in years either. Don't go into it with assumptions and grudges, please." 

"Did you say the same to him?"

"You know I did." 

"And what was his response?" Dex's silence tells me everything I need to know about that. It would take a lot more than a few years apart to fix my relationship with my other brother. Most of the rift between us is my father's fault, but we were always too different to ever get along. I count my blessings that he's not here now to stress Shepard out further. 

Dex leads us down a hallway, and then stops outside a room, motioning for us to enter ahead of him. My heart is racing with excitement and anxiety about seeing my mom with no idea what to expect, but when I start inside, Shepard pulls out of my hand. I turn back to her quickly, and she smiles up at me. "You should go in alone first. You deserve a reunion with your mom." 

"I'm getting a reunion with my mom, baby, and I want you with me. You're my family, too, right?"

Her smile grows, and she takes a breath. "Right." 

"Right," Dex chimes in playfully. I shove him aside, and he laughs before deciding to snag Shepard's hand and just march in the room ahead of me, dragging her along. "Look who I found groping each other in front of the hospital!" 

Solana's squeal greets us first, and she charges right into Shepard for a hug. My eyes are drawn immediately to the bed in the middle of the room, but I'm struck by what I find there. My mom looks better than she has in years. Her pearl-colored plates are bright and healthy instead of pale and dry, her golden eyes are gleaming, and she's sitting up all on her own. She looks healthy, strong. She looks like someone who is going to live. 

"Mom," I manage to croak out, my heart in my throat. 

"Garrus." She cocks her head at me. "You did a very stupid thing, boy." 

My head falls, shame for leaving my family in the dark and disappearing overcoming me. "Yes, ma'am." 

"Are you okay?"

I look back up at her, then glance at Shepard. "Yes, ma'am." 

"Come here." My mom opens her arms, and I feel like a little kid again, rushing to her. I sit on her bed and lean into her, letting our foreheads join. It's an instant balm to my soul; it makes this - her - real. She closes her eyes and breathes slowly, bringing her hands to my face. When she feels the bandage still covering the left side, she pulls back a little and turns my head for a better look. "Oh, my boy. You've been through so much." Her thumbs sweep under my eyes, and she searches my gaze. I can tell that she sees more damage than just what's on my face, and even while feeling exposed, I feel safe. "I'm so glad you're here." 

"Me too, Mom. I'm really sorry." 

"None of that now. It's behind us." She bumps her forehead to mine again, then releases me. "Introduce me." 

I turn back to find Shepard, who has evidently just been introduced to Pia and Cas. I hold a hand out to her, and Shepard obeys, coming to my side and to stand in front of my mother, the matriarch of the Vakarian clan. "Mom, this is Commander Shepard. Shepard...my mom, Cae Vakarian." 

"Shepard." My mom extends her hands and motions for Shepard to sit beside her, so I get up to make room. Shepard is anxious, I can tell, but she doesn't hesitate, and she lets my mom hold both of her hands. "I know we're not supposed to thank you for the other thing, but I have to thank you for bringing my boy home and keeping him safe. For making his heart whole. That was...I wasn't sure that would happen for him." 

"I..." Shepard blushes and flounders a little; I can feel heat rising up my throat as well. "I just love him," she says finally with a shrug. "Not sure I deserve to be thanked for that." 

My mom positively beams at Shepard, then pulls her into a hug. Shepard's breathing hitches, emotion and surprise, I'm sure. My own breathing gets a little harder when I watch the two most important people in my life hug. 

"Son." My dad's hand lands on my shoulder, drawing my attention away from them. 

"Hey, Dad." I greet him with a hug for the first time in what feels like forever. It's okay that we're not quite at the level of forehead bumping yet; we're making progress when I thought that was impossible. I turn, looking for Solana now that Shepard has been introduced, only to have my little sister fly right into my arms. "Baby Sol." 

"Hi," she breathes, hugging me tight and then nuzzling my forehead affectionately. "I swear I couldn't breathe until I knew you were back through that relay." 

"You doubted us?" I scoff playfully at her and punch her jaw gently. "You should know better." 

"It's in our history books at school that getting through the Omega 4 Relay is impossible," Cas - barely recognizable - informs me from his father's side. He's staring at Shepard wide-eyed and in awe. "It's impossible." 

I motion to Shepard and note, "Yeah, well, this one thinks that word is a challenge. And I was there too, Cas, thanks." He laughs and comes to me, letting me hug him, bump his forehead, and examine him. "Shit, you got tall." 

"Mom says I look just like you when you were my age," he informs me, grinning proudly. 

"Nah, you got your dad's goofy face genes," I tease, shoving him away from me by the face. My nephew laughs, but he doesn't need to know that he actually looks exactly the way I did at fifteen. Just as tall, too. If my past is any indication, he has some good times ahead of him at military school. I laugh at the thought and turn to his mom. "You got trouble on your hands." 

"We're used to it after you," she replies. "You get over here and hug me, pain in my ass." 

I go to Pia eagerly, wrapping her in a big hug that lifts her feet off the floor. Pia was like another mom to me when I was growing up since she and Dex are so much older than me. She's always been more than a bond-sister; I told this woman all my secrets when I was a teenager. She was actually the first person I came out to, and I never would have been able to come out publicly without her. 

"Missed you, Pup," she murmurs when our foreheads are joined. "Glad you brought at least half your face home." 

"Yeah, I do what I can." I go back to my mom after I release her, while Shepard is greeting my dad. She catches my eye, and I know she's wondering if it's time to tell them. 

"What's wrong?" my mom asks, reading it on one or both of us. 

My father sighs. "I have a feeling this has something to do with the Alliance." 

I catch Shepard's eye and nod, letting her start and decide what to say. She tells them everything, recapping the mission on Aratoht, a lot of which they know from my dad, and now the bullshit charges being leveled. My mom takes my hand when Shepard explains what she's doing, that she's turning herself in to face the charges. 

"But you're not guilty," Cas protests. 

"No, but sometimes the honorable thing to do is hard," my father replies, his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "The timing is a challenge, though. The Reapers will not be pleased at all the work you've done to stall them." 

"The Reapers are coming, hard and fast. We need to prepare," Shepard agrees. "I'm counting on Palaven and the Turians, on Garrus. The Alliance, the Council..." She shakes her head and sighs. "They're useless." 

"But what if they find you guilty?" Solana demands, her voice higher than usual with stress. "What happens to you then?"

Shepard looks at me, something like fear in her eyes. This part is on me, and I swallow hard. 

"Well...we sort of have a plan. We were going to wait until after the Reapers were taken care of but, uh...well, we need to make sure the Alliance can't keep her on Earth forever. I would need the Hierarchy to help me get her out legally, so...we're not waiting anymore." I can't help smiling up at Shepard, whether or not I'm afraid of my family's reaction. "We're getting married in the next two weeks." 

Solana's supersonic squeal makes me wince, but her arms flying around my neck from behind makes me laugh. Her reaction sets the tone, surprise but excitement, from my siblings and nephew. But my mother and father remain stoic, and that makes it hard to breathe. 

I squeeze my mom's hand. "I have to be with her, Mom. I want to be. I love her." 

"I know, boy." She looks up at my father, and they have a silent conversation. "We just found out that I’m being released as of tomorrow, so we're going home to Palaven." She grins at me, eyes lighting up. "And I guess this means we're going home to plan a wedding." 

"I...wait, really? You're..." I look up at my father. "You're going to let us get married at home, with your blessing?"

"Would you marry her anyway? Even if we didn't give our blessing?" my father counters. 

"You're damn right," I answer with no hesitation. "We were planning to do it right here on the Citadel if we had to." 

"But we don't want to," Shepard interjects, giving me a hard look. She gave me a lecture before we left the ship and after turning me down for sex about being patient with my family, especially my father. 

I take a breath. "No, we don't want to. We want a ceremony combining our traditions, on Palaven, with family." I squeeze my moms hand. "It would mean a lot to me to get your blessing. But you know that nothing will keep me from my life with Shepard." 

My mom smiles brightly. "Good answer. Let's go home and get you two married then." 

Solana scream-squeals again, and this time the cheer is joined by Dex and Pia. I hear Shepard laugh, but all I can do is gawk at my parents for a moment, wondering if there's a catch or a punchline. 

"We want you to be happy," my mom breathes, holding my face again. "And if there is one thing I can already see, it's that she makes you happy. She makes you better. I can't think of a better match; I don't think we could have dreamed one up." 

"For a time, we couldn't dream that you were ever actually going to get here," my father adds. When my mom gives him a look, he quickly says, "I don't mean that as an attack. I worried about you; we both did." He looks down at Shepard and smiles. "She is good for you. You're good together. I have my concerns about you two making a life together work, but I'm your father. I'll always worry." 

"And we'll always support you," Mom chimes in. She brightens even more and laughs softly. "I think I might even venture to bet that I'll have a few more years to support you now. Oh." Her eyes grow wet. "I get to see my boy get married." 

I pull my mom into a hug and look up at Shepard. All of this, my mom's health and me even being here, is thanks to her. I hope she can see my gratitude, but I'll make sure she knows about it for the rest of our lives. 

We defeated the Collectors. We've stopped the Reaper invasion twice, and we've put a dent in their plans. We have a lot of work ahead of us, getting prepared for the invasion that will come. But right now, we have something else ahead of us. Shepard is facing her personal hell, and what's coming isn't going to be easy - especially for the part of it that we're apart. But I'm going to keep focused on the fact that it won't be forever. Within the next two weeks, she'll become my wife. When she's done with the Alliance, we'll be back in battle together. 

And then my wife and I, together with our team, are going to defeat the Reapers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so much for reading this far. I hope you continue to enjoy as Garrus & Elle continue their journey. I'm floored every week by how many of you read and comment and leave kudos. I want nothing more than to do you proud with the rest of this story. 
> 
> Please go read the first chapter of "Walk Me Home" to see where they go next!


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